Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - From hopeless and homeless to sobriety Kelsey's story.

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

In this episode of the Sober Motivation Podcast, we have Kelsey, who details her journey from a turbulent childhood to overcoming profound addiction challenges. Raised by her grandparents due to her parents’ substance abuse issues, Kelsey sought connection through drugs and alcohol, leading to a life marked by substance misuse, including cocaine, heroin, alcohol, benzos and DUIs. However, Kelsey’s story is one of transformation and hope. Through immense struggle and court-mandated rehabilitation, she achieved sobriety and now lives a fulfilling life as a mother and business owner. This episode also highlights the importance of community and supportive networks, with Brad discussing the newly launched Sober Motivation Community aimed at providing support for those on their sobriety journey. Join this episode to hear about the power of resilience and the possibility of redemption one story at a time. --------- Join the SoberMotivation Community: https://sobermotivation.mn.co More information on Soberlink: https://www.soberlink.com/recover Kelsey on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kelseyautry/  

Welcome to season three of the Suburmotivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible, inspiring, and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode of the podcast, Kelsey shares her story from a turbulent childhood marked by parental addiction and neglect to her own struggles with substance abuse. She was raised by her grandparents, and in high school, she was looking for connections

and community, and found that through drugs and alcohol. Her addiction journey involved various substances including cocaine and heroin, alcohol, marijuana, and led to multiple DUIs and brushes with the law. However, Kelsey's story is one of change and shows us that no matter how far we wander off the path, sobriety is always possible. And this is Kelsey's story on the Sober Motivation podcast. Welcome back, everyone, to another incredible episode. here on the podcast. I just want to share with you guys about the new sober motivation community that just launched 11 days ago and it feels like forever already. We've been having some incredible meetings, some incredible connection that's happening inside of the app, different

milestones, people starting out their journey, some people with many, many years of sobriety. We're all coming together to support each other on our goals of remaining alcohol-free and living a sober lifestyle. And it's incredible. I'm loving it. I'm hosting it. I'm hosting three meetings per week over there, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and we have some other incredible host as well. The community is just really clicking, and I would love for you to become a part of it. The doors are still open to become a founding member of the community, and that will probably be until the end of this week. So definitely jump on this opportunity to get involved with some incredible people that are on the journey, whether you're thinking about starting,

whether you're just early in the process, or you have years and you want to reach back in there and help out somebody who's just getting started. We would love to have you. I'll drop the link in the show notes below so that you can get signed up and join us today. I've taken the device everywhere with me. It's gone on camping trips, holiday vacations, even Iceland. It was really useful for when I wanted to travel.

I wanted to be able to visit friends and really be able to live my life. These quotes are from Soberlink users who have found peace of mind while enjoying vacations, even in early alcohol recovery when traveling can feel scary. Maybe you're nervous about going away from your support system or your loved ones are concerned about a possible relapse. That's where Soberlink comes in.

Here's how Soberlink helps keep you accountable. You'll test at scheduled times each day, two to three times a day. Facial recognition confirms your identity. Tamper sensors detect any attempts to cheat the system. An instant easy-to-read results are sent directly to your loved ones, giving them peace in mind while you're enjoying your time away. Soberlink isn't just about proving your sober. It's about building confidence in your recovery even when you're miles away.

Soberlink, proof of sobriety at your fingertips wherever life takes you. Visit soberlink.com slash recover to sign up and receive $50 off your device. Also, too, since I launched the podcast, so many people have asked me, does it come with a video? And up until now, it hasn't, but I just released this episode on video on YouTube. If you're interested in checking it out, I'll drop that link in the show. notes below and I'll be the first to warn you that it is far from perfect but check it out if you're interested in seeing the video that goes along with this episode now let's get the Kelsey story welcome back to another episode of the sober motivation podcast today we've got Kelsey with us how

are you I'm great thanks for having me awesome thank you so much for being willing to share your story here on the show yeah I'm excited so what was it like for you growing up growing up I would say my childhood was a little different than most. My grandparents, which were my mom's parents, raised both my sister and myself. Our biological parents, our mom and our dad, were not together, and they were both on drugs and alcohol. They were in and out of jail, prison, rehabs. Our real dad never really had much to do with us. I can, I think, can. I think, count on one hand how many times I've seen them, and I only remember two of those times. But my mom was in our lives, but not consistently.

I would say her priorities were drugs and men. So my grandparents raised my sister and I, and they tried to give us the best childhood, but my grandfather was also an alcoholic. He struggled with his own addiction. He was a functioning alcoholic, but we know how that is. I've seen my fair share of things for sure. My grandma, she was a stay-at-home mom, basically raising my sister and I. So that's like just my childhood. My grandma and I didn't have the best relationship. I'm not sure if I, like, reminded her of my mom a whole lot, but I would always say

my sister was like her favorite. And even my friends, when I got older and went through high school, my friends would call me like the evil step-sister because it was just the way my grandma treated me. I can't really explain it, but she was definitely abusive. She was very old-fashioned. If you, you know, if I'd be in my room and she would call me and I'd say what, she would stomp in there and backhand me in the mouth. So she was abusive, but again, I don't know if it's because I reminded her of my mom in some way or what. So I ended up moving out when I was 15. I moved in with my best friend at the time. We had been friends for years. So I'd moved in with her. And honestly, that helped my relationship with my grandparents, especially my grandma, when I moved out of the house.

Yeah. Wow, that's a lot of stuff going on early on for you. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, where did you grow up? So I actually grew up in, half my life, like my younger childhood, we grew up in Wilmington, North Carolina. And then once I got into middle school, we moved out to the country, a little town called Rocky Point. and that is where I went to middle school and high school. Yeah. So is your sister older or are you the oldest?

She's actually two years older than me. Okay. So as you're going through all of this stuff and when we're younger, it's tough to process how everything's going out. And I've heard stories similar to this and I think maybe more common than we realize, too, is for grandparents to step in if parents are struggling with substance use. And I think it's really a challenging thing to work through. I had somebody earlier on the podcast, share that.

And then when they would have school functions or school events, their grandparents would go. And early on, people picked up on and started asking them questions. And it was really like an uncomfortable space for them to be in. So I'm just picturing maybe some of that stuff similar for you. You sent over your story to me before we jumped on here, some of it anyway. And it seemed like in high school, things really got kicked off for you for drinking, for other substances coming into your life. What was that like? Yeah, I think for me, I just desperately wanted to feel wanted.

I wanted to feel like I fit in, like I belong somewhere. I wanted to be cool. Just plain and simple, I wanted to be cool. And I think I naturally fell into the wrong crowd of friends due to my home life, right? So my grandma was a chain smoker. They cussed like a cellular. My grandpa was a drunk. So that's naturally who I felt into it because they felt like home.

And so when I was around people, which wasn't very often, but around people who were successful and were very well spoken and carried themselves, I did not feel at home there. I felt so out of place. I felt like I didn't belong there. It just made me very uncomfortable. So I think I gravitated towards the people who were more like, home to me. And that was the people who was partying and drinking and doing drugs and stuff. And so in eighth grade, actually, is when I had started smoking pot. I was like 12 years old, had no

business doing it, of course. But I was in that kind of, as they say, marijuana is the gateway. And I wholeheartedly believe that because that's exactly where it started for me. And then, yeah, in high school, we lived in this neighborhood in that, in the country that I was telling you about Rocky Point. We lived in a neighborhood, and it was actually, like, it could have been really good, but we all were in the same grade, same age. We all lived like, it was a bunch of double wads, and we all lived like a trailer or two apart from one another, and all rode the school bus together, and we were not good influences for one another at all. So that's where my addiction really started at. I didn't know it then. Of course, I thought I was young and partying and just having

bun, but my grandparents went to bed early every night. So we would have a bonfire at my house in our backyard. And we would drink and smoke pot. And that's just where everything started for me. Yeah. At that point you bring up there, too, about wanting to fit in. I think it's necessary in one way or another for human. We just want to be seen. Yes. We want to be part of something. And I found out too, drinking alcohol was an easy entry to fitting in and to being part of the crew. Yeah. This was like, I didn't have to have the good grades. I didn't have to be good at sports.

It was like this thing right here. I could be good at this. And looking back to another interesting point I think that you bring up to is we have no idea how this thing's going to unfold. Right. When we start out with that first time, whether it's smoking pot, drinking, most people share that they start there. and then it can transform over time. And I think once we get into it, you mentioned like the marijuana being the gateway. I think too, once we just do one thing, then it opens up the door to, well, let's just try the next thing and just keep it going.

Like, it's easier to maybe say yes further down the road we get. Yeah, and I think it definitely builds that curiosity because now your mind's already altered from the first thing, whether it's alcohol or it's marijuana. Lana. So you know that feeling of not feeling normal, not feeling sober. So I feel like it brings that curiosity of, okay, well, what does the next thing feel like? And that's how it was for me. And being that my mom, so my mom's drug of choice was crack. And I knew my whole life that was her drug of choice because my grandparents were very open about that. Even I can remember being seven, eight years old, being at the dinner table. And my grandpa, my mom's name was Lynn. And my papa, my mom's name was saying, oh, well, Lynn's on another mission again. She's on a binge and she's probably at the

crack house. And I didn't know what that meant at that time. But as I grew up and seeing her in and out of jail and prison, I eventually under shortly a few years later from that even nine, 10, 11, 12 years old, my mom would come around every so often and she ended up using in front of me. So I knew what it was. And being that I had already started drinking and smoking pot right at the start. of high school, I was eager. Like you said, like I'd already tried something, so I had that curiosity and doing something else seemed easy. I'd already got the first thing out of the way. And I can remember wanting to try cocaine because I knew it was my mom's drug a choice. And my whole life, I just longed for that relationship with my mom. I don't know what it is if it's just a mother

daughter thing. I'm not sure. But I always wanted a relationship with her. And, She didn't care. She didn't. I'm sure she did in her own way, of course. She had her own addiction going on, but I didn't feel like she didn't. I think that's why I searched so hard to be wanted or belonged or fit in because I didn't at home. And so I can remember wanting to try cocaine because I felt like it would make me closer to my mom.

And to hear my grandparents talk so poorly about her and her choices and made me feel like no one loved her. Nobody loved her. And it could go two ways. I could have resented her or it brought me closer to her like it did. My sister, it did the opposite. My sister had so much resentment towards my mom for her choices and things like that, leaving us. But me, it just made me want to be closer to her. So when I started dabbling into drugs and alcohol, I vividly remember asking one of the friends from the neighborhood, can you find someone that has cocaine?

I really want to try it. She couldn't. But I remember being at a party. in high school and they had some. And the first night, there was always a party at this house. And the first night, they offered me cocaine. I said, no. I was scared.

And then I went back the next night, fully intentional on trying cocaine. Like I was going to say yes. I was looking forward to it. And I did. I went back and I said yes. And of course, just not knowing that I already have an addictive mentality, I liked it. I liked it. And that ended up starting a whole other addiction.

for me. Yeah. It's the thing there, too. I'm just wondering what it's like going through those early days, too, with trying to connect with your mom, but landing in a spot where, I mean, you mentioned, too, like she's in and out of jail and coming into the picture and you're really looking for that relationship. And then it sounds like what I'm hearing is that you're looking for it elsewhere connection and community and to be a part of something. And what's that like, though, to grow up in that spot where, you know, that's the situation you're in with the relationship with your mom. I think when I look back on my photos when I was young, all but my school photos where you're literally told to smile. I'm not smiling in like none of mine. And I could remember I had my cousins, which I'm very grateful for because even now to this day, we're very close.

but they were only on the weekends. I feel like I was just very sad. I always felt like I was missing something, missing. And also, too, you see all the kids at school, they have their mom and their dad, and then you say, oh, my grandma's picking me up. Why is your grandma picking you up? Where's your mom and dad at?

So I knew that my childhood dynamic was not normal. I knew that living with my grandparents was not what everyone else was doing. And I think it made me very sad. And I think I felt that neglect from a really young age and just couldn't really place what that was until I was way older. Yeah. It sounds like anyway, I don't really have any experience. I mean, my grandparents did raise me for a bit because my mom had twins at 16.

Oh, wow. But it wasn't this kind of situation. It was a different situation for sure. And then we moved all the way to Texas from Canada. So that was interesting. That's what sort of things. But so as you go through this high school phase, right, you're doing the stuff to fit in, belong somewhere and maybe in a strange way trying to make sense of this entire situation that

you're in. How do things look like for you after high school? So after high school, honestly, I had no ambition. I was never pressured or told how important like your grades were, extracurricular activities or your GPA. I was not aware of any of that stuff. I think maybe the school counselor talked to us all as students probably wasn't paying attention or I was absent that day. Who knows? But I was never made aware of how important and that stuff was. I did end up going to a community college straight out of high school, but I was using. So I was barely there. I ended up dropping out first semester. And that's actually when I met my now husband was right out of high school. And I didn't know it at the time. But,

He was addicted to pain pills, opiates, and I thought we were just partying. So all through this, like my addiction, like, you know, being addicted to cocaine in high school and all of that, I didn't realize that I was, like, addicted. I thought I was just partying. And cocaine, you don't have withdrawals from cocaine. So I ended up getting off of that, still drinking and smoking. I was dabbling in pills. So when my husband and I got together, we actually met downtown at a club, partying.

The girls I went with, when we left, she actually got a DUI. And so I had nobody, my grandma was asleep, and I wasn't even living at home then anyway. So it would have been awkward to call her, but I had just gotten my husband's number on my hand at the club. So I just called him and I was like, hey, my girlfriend's getting arrested. Can you come pick me up? I'm on the side of the road. And he did. And I never went home.

We've been together ever since 15 years later. But we did struggle with our own addiction in the beginning. And that's really where I learned a lot about addiction because he was addicted to pain pills. I didn't know it, though. So we were together months, just taking pills every day. And I thought we were just partying until we didn't have any pills. We couldn't get any pills until later that evening at 6 p.m. And so that whole day, we didn't have anything.

And we were both in withdrawals. And I didn't even know what withdrawals was. I'd never even heard of that. And so I was like, what is that? He was, well, we've been doing these every day for months now. So, yeah, we're hurting. So I learned about svoxing after that and all this. And, you know, we really tried to get our stuff together quite a few times, but it didn't happen then.

So that was straight out of high school. It's when I met my husband. And that, again, was a new addiction pills. And that's when I really knew that, okay, I'm in full-blown addiction right now. And now it was to opiates. Yeah. And was that in Wilming? It was, yes.

Yeah. Because I grew up in Apex. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I grew up there. And I have one memory, too, because I was on methadone at one point. And I went to Wilmington for vacation, so I had to do the little, it was such a strange world. But I had to get the methadone there in Wilmington. Oh.

And I was blown away by the amount of people off topic here a little bit, but I was blown away by the operation and the amount of people that were there because I used to get it in Raleigh. And it was a lot smaller. In Wilmington, I was like, my goodness, I mean, this place was just, it was like Costco on a Saturday. And at the time, I didn't realize that I didn't put two and two together that, hey, there might be a, there might be quite the problem here with people that are on this stuff. What yearabouts was this? This was about 2010, 2011. And yes, the methadone clinic in Wilmington, it is probably tripled by now because of the Fed.

Fetanol problem. Now it's Fetanol. Back then, it was just opiates and heroin. And even just those two, or the pills and heroin, but just the opiates alone back then was really bad. But now it's probably tripled with fentanyl. So yeah, methadone is still very popular in Wilmington. Like the methadone clinic, like you said, it's like Costco on Saturday all the time. Yeah, it was just different. It was really different for me. But it's interesting, too, that you bring up the part about withdrawal, because I have an interesting story about when I got started on pills, is I was like so naive to all of this whole thing, right? And I had to come across this supply, I guess you could call it.

I keep the details vague to protect the innocent in the sense. And I started taking these things every day for a month until it ran out, until they ran out. And then I was in that same spot where you ended up, right? Now the withdrawal is kicking. I was just like, I mean, when I was like 18, I never really, I can't really remember being sick, like getting a cold or a flu or anything. thing, but the symptoms were like that. And I was like, oh, that's weird that. So I got on a handy-dandy

Google, hey, what's going on with me? I've been on this stuff, right? Like, I was so naive. It's, I don't want to say it's embarrassing to mention it. But it's really strange because I was just like, oh, a doctor prescribes these. It says take two. What's the harm in taking for, right? I've doubled the dose on town all before. Things were good. And then that works for a little bit. And then you go little bit higher, right? I'm sure you're well aware of how it all builds up. You know what I mean? And most people that have been down that journey, it's the same, right? And then, yeah, I got kicked into the first time I was in withdrawal. I wasn't connected with a street supplier who you can say, right? So I reached out to a buddy of mine that I knew from like grade five that I knew he was into

the mix here for things. I got educated on it. And that's sort of when it all started for me, right, this more of this underground way of feeling well in making things work. But it was definitely a scary transition to things about now, how am I going to keep this going? Because the first container was free that lasted me for a month. And now I had to come up with the money. So my best friend, the one that I had moved in with when I was 15, she had actually gotten on heroin with this guy that she was dating.

And she was very heavy into my party in years as well. I mean, we were best friends. And I looked up to her so much. She was still, I mean, she was one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen in my life. I mean, she was gorgeous. And I looked up to her so much. And so I was already on pain pills with my now husband. And we hadn't really hung out in a while due to her addiction, me getting with a new guy.

And I knew that she was doing heroin. And I'm like, whoa, I'm doing pain pills. They're both opiates. I mean, it can't be much. different and I had already began using IV when I was in high school doing cocaine. So I was very familiar with using IV and I wasn't scared to try heroin. The needle did not scare me. And I hung out with her when my husband was at work and I did. I tried heroin and that is a feeling I will never forget. And that was the start of my heroin addiction, which that lasted a while. That lasted for

a year or more. I can't really. The years run together when you're using that heavily. I mean, there was times of when I was homeless, living in my car during that heroin addiction. And my husband had broken up with me on his 21st birthday. I'd still to the state. We were very on and off been toxic back then. And so I got heavily addicted to heroin, especially during that breakup. And when we had gotten back together, he began using heroin with me. And he never liked the needle. It's crazy. It's crazy to some. Honestly, the needle alone is another addiction. Like just that alone was another addiction for me. Whereas he was very grossed out. He did not like doing it. I loved it. I mean, that sounds terrible, but it's just the truth. I did. I loved it. And so

we began using heroin together and we were homeless living in a car and cow topping. And it went really downhill until 2013 when we found out we were pregnant and we were not trying at all. And so this was, we felt like this was maybe our chance to finally get sober. And so my husband is very strong-minded. He hates when I say this, but it's the truth. I mean, he doesn't feel like he is, but he is. I mean, I could never in a million years do what he's done, but he has. And so when we found out that I was pregnant with our oldest, I immediately started calling

rehabs. I'm like, okay, well, I'm pregnant. I have to get sober now. And so I start calling rehabs. And I was very naive. Like you said as well, I was very naive when it came to withdrawals and using an addictions and stuff. I was very naive. Even though I'd watched my mom have an addiction all growing up to crack, I wasn't doing crack.

So I don't know why I thought that was an exception. It wasn't, obviously. But anyway, I started calling rehabs. And again, very naive. They're saying it's thousands of dollars and we won't have a bet till next month. And I couldn't wait. I don't have any money. I was homeless at the time.

And so I quickly realized, thankfully, one of the rehabs I'd call told me, your best option is to get into a doctor's office and get prescribed suboxin. That is your best chance. If you try to get sober, cold turkey while pregnant, you could risk losing the baby. And although our daughter was not planned by any means, we did not want to lose her. We wanted to get our life together and be a family. A husband and I were together at three years at this point. And so that's exactly what I did. I went on Google.

I found the first doctor on there. I called. I ended up getting a prescription the very next day. And that was the start of my recovery, although it didn't last, but that was the start of it. And I did stay on Suboxin during my pregnancy. Our daughter was born. A lot of people asked if she had withdraws, and I'm very grateful to say, no, she did not. Same with our son, two years after that.

And I was, we were both good. The moment we found out that we were pregnant, my husband is where he's very strong-minded. He put everything down. I mean, he quit smoking pot. He quit smoking cigarettes. Like, when he knew he was going to be a dad, he put everything down. And we did not have the money to both go to the doctor. So we had actually split my prescription between him and I both.

So he was on M-A-T-suboxin same as I was. and he had stopped everything. I mean, literally everything. And he truly changed his life to be a dad and is honestly one of the best dads I know. And so we did really good for her first couple years. And at a year and a half old, we ended up getting pregnant again. And we got pregnant with our second, which is our son, Jace. And I don't know what it was, but the pregnancy and then after when he was born,

I was still on Suboxin, so I have him, and he, again, did not have any withdrawals, which we are so grateful for. He was healthy, seven pounds, seven, six ounces. He was beautiful and healthy. And after he was born, that is when, honestly, it was probably postpartum, being more older and sober. Now I think I know better. But then when you're an addict, even in recovery, I mean, when you're feeling like heavy emotions, anger, over simulation. Your first thought is to use. You want to self-medicate. And so I didn't think, oh, I should go to the doctor and see why I'm so oversimulated, why I have so much anxiety,

and what the heck is wrong with me right now? I didn't. And I just got some Xanax from somebody that I knew. And this was right after he was born. He was still a newborn. And I was still on my suboxin prescription. So I was mixing the Suboxin and the Xanax. And that is a terrible. cocktail. I mean, this is when I have the most overdoses and my addiction was mixing those two things. But I thought it was helping me, but I was a zombie for sure. But I think it was just having two kids super close together. They're only two years apart. And it became a lot to me. And the first thing I thought to do was to use to numb out those feelings that I didn't like that I was feeling. And this is when my addiction went from here to here very quickly.

And this was years, 2016 and 2017. Those were my rock bottom years. And it all started from not knowing how to handle my emotions and just going back to what I'm used to. Because you know, you get a prescription of Suboxin that gets you off the hard stuff. But there's no help with that, right? And some places there are, but at the place I was going, there was no counseling. There was no help for the, there was no treatment for the addiction.

It was just like putting a passy fire in its mouth, like just, it wasn't really helping the root cause of it. Yeah, it's that a lot of stuff is going on for you at this time. But it's interesting too, because I can relate on the fact that when I first started the methadone program, I was doing cocaine as well on top of it, plus drinking. And after a while doing the methadone, they picked up that I was drinking a lot. And I used to have to do this breathalyzer every day when I went in. And if I blew anything through the breathalyzer, then I won't get the methadone, which created this thing.

But, yeah, I mean, they offered a little, like, group counseling thing once a month. But I would always just be like, I have to work. And I would just, I was selling cars at the time. Michael Jordan, Nissan in Durham, North Carolina. Oh, wow. Yeah, I was selling cars at the time. And, like, they gave me a little bit of a hard time. But I found that, too.

And not that I'm not, like, against the MAP programs. And I don't know what they're like now. I mean, this is going years back when I was involved with it. But yeah, it was just what you said, right? It was just a way to keep way the withdraws and learning how to deal with emotions and how to do other things in life. I still struggled with. I never learned those skills at that time for things. But so you got on this. I mean, you have two beautiful kids. And I had somebody else. I don't know if you can relate with this, but I had another mom on the podcast too. And I think there's times in our lives, whoever we are, I think there's times in our lives and we tell ourselves this story. When this happens, I'll definitely rein it in.

I'll figure all this out. Sometimes as being a parent, sometimes it's getting married. Sometimes it's one of our close friends passed away from this and we're just like that sort of stuff. I'll straighten it out. But she really struggled because that was something that she had told herself. That was a story once I'd become a mom. And then on the flip side of it, she felt a lot of guilt and shame because she was in a spot now.

Look, I have the kids. I told myself this story. And I'm not even really able to do it for them. And it really put her in a tough spot. I mean, is that anything you can relate to? Yes, 100%. And I also really struggled with not feeling worthy of my kids. I felt, and I mean, I say this all the time, but I just remember.

the feeling so vividly. I would literally beg my husband to leave me. Like, go find another woman that will love our kids like I do, but it cannot be me. I'm not worthy of them, and I would say, I don't know why God chose me to be their mom. And I can just remember, just saying it out loud, I can remember how passionately I felt about that. Like, why? Like, why would you choose me to be their mom. Someone who is struggling with addiction who was homeless on heroin when she found out, like, why? Like, it almost made me very angry. And so I didn't feel worthy to be their mom. Like, why would you make me their mom? And so I struggled a lot with the guilt and the shame of not being able to get sober. And also a lot of other people, especially family, when people ask me how they can help their

loved ones. The one thing I say is do not shame them. You may not even realize you're doing it, but I cannot tell you how many people said to me, well, if you loved your kids, you put the mess down. Well, if you really cared about your kids, you just stop. And it's not that easy. I loved my kids, and I wanted to stop. Once I realized that I was in full-blown addiction, I wanted so badly to stop and that I was weak-minded. And that's okay to say that. A lot of people will say, don't say you're weak. That's not a nice thing to say about yourself. That is the truth, though. I was too weak to do it on my own.

And that is okay. That is why there are rehabs out there, right? That is why there are help and resources because I'm not alone. There's several people that. It's hard to do it by themselves. My husband, he did it. He's strong. He's very strong-minded.

He's got a lot of willpower. I was not that way, and that is okay. Woman enough to admit that. But yes, the guilt and the shame I struggled to. terribly with that. Yeah. Another incredible point there you make too about doing it alone. And for sure, it works for some people, handful of people, but I do like, I love the, it. He never worked for me. Like, I'm in the camp with you. It never worked for me because I could always talk myself into what I thought would be a good time. Oh, just one more beer, right? You get sober tomorrow.

And then tomorrow never comes. And then you look back and you're like, oh, that's 90 tomorrows. That's 100 tomorrows. You're going to do everything in your. your life, Brad, tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes because tomorrow's, then it's tomorrow. He never make the change. And it wasn't until for me personally to get around other people who were living a life that I just envisioned as impossible. Like, how could you, wait, you did that and that the same sort of way I was living. And now you have this. You're kidding? What the heck? That's incredible. How did you do it? And when I was able to get around people like that kind of held me to maybe a different standard in a sense, not through shame, but through, hey,

like, you can do better than this. Like, we can help you do it. We understand where you're coming from and what it's like. And people who use different language, because I think it's great. You bring up that other thing is, I mean, we can't bully people into, to getting sober. We can't just say everything that they're doing wrong. And why don't you just figure it out? Hey, if we could just figure it out, trust me, we would have figured it out long before all the consequences. I know being arrested in being in jail and all that's part of your story too. I mean, is that around this time as well? That is actually. So prior to we're in 2016, 2017, I got two kids at this point. But before that, my high school graduation night, I got my first DUI. And this was my only DUI that was actually

from alcohol. It was a graduation party. I ended up leaving it and getting pulled over. And that was my first DUI. I was 17 years old. And I lost my license for a year, spent 24 hours in jail. And that was it. And I honestly never drank and drove again. When I was rock bottom doing Xanax and my Suboxin, I did. I was driving under the influence. And you don't, think you're under the influence, like you're on prescription medications, right? Like, people are prescribed these every day. I'm not drinking and driving. And so I would drive. And I thought I was okay. I mean, I never wrecked or anything. Like, I thought I was okay. I was not, though. I was not. So I ended up getting two DUI within a year. And the first DUI, they put me on probation for,

I spent 24 or 48 hours in jail for that. And when I was on Xanax, it made me not care. And I think that's why I liked it a lot because my whole life, I cared so much. Like I cared desperately. I wanted my mom's love and attention. And I couldn't get that. My grandparents or my grandma and I never got along. And I didn't feel like I belonged at home.

And I cared. It bothered me so bad. And Xanax, I did not give a crap about anything. I didn't care what people thought about me. It made me not care about anything and almost not have any emotions. And it made me do things that, one, I don't even remember doing. It totally, you'll lose your memory. But I was breaking into cars and stealing things.

And what's wild is I wasn't even trying to steal, like, the car. I was trying to steal the change. You know how people keep change in their car? cars. I had no money for drugs, so I was literally just breaking into cars trying to collect enough change to go to the Coin Star. And so I got felony charges of breaking and enter in. I had larceny charges, shoplifting. I would go to stores and steal shoes and then take them to Plato's closet. So during 2016 and 2017, I'd racked up quite a bit of criminal charges. And I sat for three months in jail.

My husband would not get me out. At this point, he's still sober. And he's doing great. He's working. He's got a house car, all the things. He's a great dad. And there was nights where he would lock me outside and not let me in. And I would have to sleep outside in one of the vehicles are on our port.

Or there's abandoned house, a couple houses down that I would sleep at because he did not want me around our children high. And at the time, I was very mad about that, but now sober in a right state of mine. I'm very grateful that that was the best choice. But I sat for three months in jail. He did not get me out. And then three months, my lawyer gets me out on probation for that second DUI. I got the felonies dropped down to misdemeanors. And so as of right now, I have no felonies on my record.

But I was charged with them. But that was my first time really trying to get. sober was 2016 to 2017, and I made it a whole year. I was on probation. I had a lot to do. I had community service, task classes, IOP, and I finished it all. I was on probation for two years. I had gotten all the money that I owed paid off within that first year. I mean, I was on track to getting off probation early, and so I don't know what got into me, but at my one year mark of being sober, nobody knew. Nobody said, oh, congratulations on being sober a year. Nobody said anything to me. I felt like nobody cared. So why was I staying sober? I don't know why I had that mentality and honestly

I'm ashamed to myself for it. So at that one year mark, I got some Xanax again and I started using and it didn't take long, I think only a couple days and then I got that third DUI. And it was after that third DUI that I knew I was in big trouble. I knew I was in really big trouble. I knew that my lawyer was not going to be able to get me out of this. This is my third DUI and I also realized I have a problem. This is a real problem. I cannot seem to not go back to drugs. I was like I said, I just celebrated a year or sober and nobody cared. That doesn't, I should have been proud of myself. But it was that anger and that feeling of nobody cares about. me that drove me to use, right? So our first thought is not to, you know, fix the problem. It's to

self-medicate. That's all we know. So that's what I did. And after that third DUI, I knew I was in really big trouble. And I went ahead. I told my lawyer, like, look, if we can get me court-appointed rehab, I'm willing to go. I know I need it. And so I actually had months to wait until I went to rehab. They set my date. The judge granted it. They set my date. And so at that point, I'm like, okay, I'm going to go to rehab. It's life or death for me. I know that. So until I go, I'm going to live it up. So I got back on heroin. So now I'm doing heroin, still doing my suboxin just little at a time just so I'm not sick, but little enough to where I can still feel the heroin if I did it. And so I was on Xanax heroin subs. I was most likely smoking pot

at the time. I was just doing it all because I knew this was forever. This was. was the last time. Once I go to rehab, I'm done for good. And that's the mentality I had. And so that's what I did. I ended up going to rehab January of 2018. And it's court appointed. So, like, you can't be there unless a judge orders you there. So out of all 60 girls there, I would say 58 is forced to be there. So they are not taking it seriously. They're just buying out their time. better than a jail. And so it was really hard to take it seriously because nobody else was, right? Nobody else was, but I knew I had to. And honestly, I think that's, you know, that's why I'm sober today. It's because I actually learned what I needed to learn what I did in all those years and why I kept going back to

drugs. So now when I'm sad and angry and overstimulated or whatever the case may be, I know how to help my then going back, instead of going back in self-medicating, right? I know the tools and I have all the resources that I need to stay sober and maintain my recovery. And so I'm very grateful that judge granted me rehab. But, I mean, after I got out of rehab, that wasn't it. I still had to go to court and face that third DUI that I got in. And I was actually facing five and a half years. And that was a scary thought. I had two children at this time who were two and four years old. And as soon as I got out of rehab, I got a job. I really showed effort and took initiative and trying to maintain a good recovery to show the judge that I'm trying. And so I'm very grateful,

but the judge, I mean, he looked at me and my maiden name is Lucas and he said, Miss Lucas, you are skating on real thin ice. And he's, if I see you back, in this courtroom, you're going to prison. And so the minimum sentence for a third DUI in my state was 120 days. And instead of sentencing me to those 120 days in jail, he allowed those 90 days that I was in rehab to count towards that 120 because there wasn't a fancy rehab. It was part of the prison system. Like, it was nothing fancy, but it was rehab. And there was real counselors and real doctors there. And I feel like that's what I needed. So I think that's why it really helped me. And so all I had left on my sentence was 30 days in jail. And so the judge let me do that in weekends. And it took me

four months to do it. But I did it. And I had still, so I had to finish out my probation, which I did. And that time, I actually did get off early as planned. I did not mess it up because rehab is what worked for me. And I think it's just mainly having those tools and those resources that it teaches you to really stay sober and have a good recovery. Yeah. Wow. A lot of stuff there. I mean, so relatable for me too. I mean, I got wrapped up in the cords and all the same stuff you just named there. I did once or twice or maybe more. It's such a tough spot to be in too, right? Because you're going through all this stuff where the choices we make we've got to answer for them.

Listening to all that stuff there too, you've got so many opportunities, right, to turn this thing around, right? With the three DUIs and in the other stuff as well. And I got so many opportunities in the courts to turn things around with different probations and everything else. I mean, I did have to spend a year

on different jails and everything like that at one point in time for my choices. And it was fair, it was really fair when I got off extreme. extremely easy, but I learned my lesson. That's not how I wanted to live anymore. And you get this opportunity to go to rehab and really plug in. But you know, you mentioned too, like I'm sure that's fairly common, right? You're sent in somewhere. It's maybe easier time to do the rehab thing. And you get out and then things start to change for you, right? And you have, you're going to have

to answer to this thing, right? And it's going to be in your favor to show that you're putting forth the effort and things. But I mean, how different was that for you? Because I remember when I went through all that and then I got sober, I mean, it was like, I could do that stuff, but it was really uncomfortable for me, getting a job, being responsible, being held accountable. What if? How is this all going to play out? Why not sabotage myself before and just figure that out? What was that experience for you? It was definitely uncomfortable for sure. And again, I struggled with so much guilt and shame from all I had done in my addiction that I struggled with feeling worthy of these things, right? So my husband likes to say, when you do good, good things happen. When I was in active addiction, I would get caught for everything. I mean, I'm sure you know how it is, but I don't know about you, but for me, I would get caught the first time I did something wrong,

whereas all my friends that I was hanging out with, they would do the same thing 10, 20 times and never get called for it. So I would always say, oh, it's just my luck. It's just my luck. I've got bad luck. That's why I always get caught and stuff. My husband said there's no such thing as luck. Good things happen to good people. So when I got sober and I got a job at the first place I walked into, and all these good things started happening to me, I really struggled with feeling deserving of this.

Like, I'm not deserving of these good things happening to me. And I ended up having to honestly go to therapy for a year after I first got sober strictly for the guilt and the shame that I felt for even being sober. And then also, too, my family's still in addiction. And so that was something that was really hard for me. And honestly, still is to this day. I almost feel guilty in my own recovery because they're not sober. They're still in their addiction. And so that makes me really sad.

And how did I get out of this? And they didn't. So it's really hard, but I've learned that good things happen when you're doing good. And I am worthy. I'm not that same person. I was six, seven, eight years ago. I'm different now. And so that helps a lot.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm just wondering too, and there might not be anything here, but I'm just wondering too if that, that feeling of not being worthy ties all the way back in a sense to your relationship or lack of relationship with your mom and maybe your parents in general. Yeah, I wholeheartedly believe that it does. I genuinely believe that. I think a lot of what we feel that's like hard and really. draw an adult, a lot of it always has to go back to our childhood. There's always some type of connection there, whether we see it right away or we don't. And so I definitely think that me not feeling worthy and deserving of good things does go back to my childhood and not feeling that way then just to even have a relationship with my mom. Yeah. And incredible, though, for your story. It's, when is it, January 8th, 2018? Yeah. When you went into that rehab in your sobriety journey started. It's really interesting too, right? Because you went through a ton of stuff.

I mean, I'm sure right now we just covered probably a speck of sand on a beach. Yeah. That is what the whole picture was like. But just what you shared with us, you went through a lot of different stuff, right? And I always have this kind of weird feeling in my life. I went through a lot of painful situations, hurt a lot of people around me. I often would reflect back on my life and ask myself the question, how did I end up here? I didn't have that rocky upbringing that you share in your story. I mean, I had a lot of opportunities in life. They were things perfect. No, far from it. But when I look back, I want to tell myself, you shouldn't have been in the position you were in. I go back and I'm like, where did things go wrong? And look at it. Though I don't live

there, but I look at it. When I was struggling, I would say, like, how did I end up here? And I wonder if there's any part in your story about you reflected on maybe the journey of addiction and, like, how did it get to the spot? Because like we mentioned earlier in the episode, you start smoking pot for the first time in eighth grade. You can't possibly picture where that's going to lead you, right? Right. No, you can at all. I don't think there is, or not that I can see a specific point or a moment where that's when I, you know, realize because like you said, you do these things and I was very naive like you were, you know, and I think a lot of us are.

I don't think that, you know, we have dare and we have, you know, maybe a drug lesson in health class in high school, but we don't really know. Like, nobody told us about what withdrawals are from certain drugs and what drugs cause withdrawals, what don't and how dangerous the withdrawal. We weren't educated on any of this stuff. And I think that's where our school system could honestly improve with the epidemic of drugs right now. But anyway, I don't think there's a specific point because had I known, I'd like to believe

that I wouldn't have took it that far. I'd like to believe that. But, you know, that was a long time ago. So who knows? Yeah. Well, it's so interesting, too, because I grew up in the DARE program and it was, you know, just reflect back on, I don't remember. all the details, but I just remember the campaigns then were just say no. And I felt, well, I had said

yes. So I was already down that. I don't know if I got the messaging that if you do get stuck in this, here's the way out. I was just like, just say no. So I was like, well, I already said yes. So everyone else went out the window. And what I feel would have benefited me is if you do end up as somebody who's struggling with, this is how you can maybe find your way out. You can talk to people. There's no shame in it. But it's just the shame overwhelms us, I think, about, I can't. talk to anybody about where I'm at my life. I mean, come on. It's just not going to make any sense. I'm going to figure my own way out of this. I'll figure it out. I got myself here. I'll get myself out. And I always ended up back at the beginning every time I tried to do that. So now you're in this

sober life. I mean, what thing, congratulations to by the way is incredible to turn this thing around, right? To turn it around from where you've been to start to make these changes. And I know firsthand, nothing happens overnight. And for some of us, it's a slow or process maybe than others, but it doesn't mean that we're not actively engaged in doing what we need to do. How did things start to change for you in your life, being a mom, being a wife, and working, and all these things that maybe are unfamiliar territory. How did your life start to change? Oh, goodness. It changed so much. I think one of the first things I remember is the emotions, right? So when I first got sober, I laughed harder than I've laughed. And,

years. I started using it 12 years old. And when I was using, it wasn't one or two nights a week. I mean, it was heavy. So I hadn't been like fully sober and so long. And even just on the suboxone and stuff, too. So coming out of rehab and being completely sober, I just remember the emotions. I remember feeling so much like happiness and actually feeling anger and anxiety. That was something I never knew that I struggled with because it was always numbed out by the drugs, right? So feeling anxiety and all these emotions and stuff, it was so overwhelming. But my life got so much better. And I realized there is no bad luck. I was creating that bad luck, right? So it was my choices that I was making that resulted in how my life went. And now that I'm doing all the right things, I never want to forget

where I came from because I feel like that's when you're most vulnerable when going back to that same place. And even being years into my recovery and stuff now, there's still most definitely days that I struggle and stuff. But life has gotten so much better being sober and stuff and actually like having a job and not getting fire. Actually don't even, it's not even a job. I own a business now that I've worked towards for the last four years now. And, being present in my kids' life and not missing anything and just should being able to show up for them and give them the life that I wish I had, that love, that attention that they deserve. It's been so beautiful. Like, I am so grateful for my recovery and, you know, the opportunity to go to

rehab and change my life around because it has been the best thing for me. And I truly wholeheartedly believe that I would not be sitting here today had I not gone. to rehab and got my life sober. I would not be here at all. With what I was doing, I would have absolutely overdosed and not be here anymore. Yeah. And that's the beautiful thing about sobriety, right? As you get to start to work on that. And I think especially with, you know, hearing your whole story here, I'm just picking up on this, that being a mom is really an important thing for you. It is. Being able to show up in that sense. What are Jonathan's thoughts, your husband's thoughts on everything. He is, he's so proud of me, like most definitely. He were a little opposite in the fact that,

you know, he, it's not that I'm proud of my past whatsoever, but it has shaped me into who I am. I have no regrets. And a lot of people are like, what? You have no regrets. You don't regret using and leaving your kids and X, Y, and Z. And I wish I hadn't have done it, but I don't regret it because it's brought me here. So the part of not, I don't ever want to forget who I am is part of this right here, talking about it, being on podcasts and helping others and making reals and sharing my story, that's part of me never forgetting who I am, whereas he is more of the opposite. So he would rather forget.

You know what I mean? Like he doesn't like keeping it like front and center. Not that I keep it front and center, but, you know, that was just, he feels like it's such a long time ago for him. And I mean, honestly, we're both really proud of ourselves, especially on the way we raise our kids and see. And our kids are older now. So our oldest is 11 and our middle is about to be nine. And now we have a third child who is almost two.

And so we're, I feel like we see the most of our recovery in them, if that makes sense. Like we see all their accomplishments and what we're doing for them and how they're to. Like every day I think this is their childhood. Every day, every decision that we make, every vacation we go on, every extracurricular we put them in, that is their childhood. That is what's going to shape them into who they become. And I think that makes us take a lot of pride in our recovery because we know we wouldn't, that wouldn't be possible for our kids without us being sober and present today.

Yeah, so true. saw something recently that kind of reminded me, that what you said reminded me of is that it required both to be the person I am today. It required the struggle through the addiction and it required the sobriety to be who I am today. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, and it's always interesting. And I love that point there that you make about, I had this sort of a saying to, if you forget where you come from, you might find yourself back there again. And I think that it's important to not necessarily live there, but never forget what things were like, how painful it was. And I mean, that the whole court system in itself, my gosh, I used to hate that. I mean, you'd have to show up downtown. And I mean,

I just hated that life. I just hated it when I was able to get a little bit of a distance from it. I just hated living that way. I was just like, this is so far. That way of life was so far from who I genuinely was as a person. Yeah. And I just hated everything about it. I just towards the end, It was fun at the beginning. The middle was kind of, it was fun sometimes. It wasn't fun. And then at the end, there was just no more joy left in it. There was no more joy left in my life.

I wasn't able to feel joy. I wasn't able to be happy. It just took every. I mean, I guess it's debatable whether I gave it away or it took everything. But I ended up with nothing at the end. Somebody's listening to this episode before we sign off. And they're struggling either to get or to stay sober. and they were looking for some direction or some words of insight.

What would you mention to them? To start today. Even if you don't fully put it down today, start today. Whether that start looking for rehab, start looking for classes. And I know firsthand how hard it is to just go put yourself in a rehab, whether you have kids at home, whether you have family that you're hiding this from, or a job that that you don't want to find out, whatever the case may be. But there are other options for you.

Don't let that hold yourself back, whether that's just opening up to a friend, making a therapy appointment, looking into meetings, NAA, A, A, A, A, Celebrate Recovery. There are so many options out there. But just start. No one's asking you to finish it. Don't get too far ahead of yourself. Just start today. Start today.

Whatever that looks like for you. And if you are strong enough to set that down, then try, try. Regardless, there are so many resources and people out there just like Brad, like myself, I know so many people in a sober community that are so willing to help people because we've been there. We've been exactly where you are. And so my advice is just to start. And don't, don't feel too much shame and guilt to not let yourself start, right? So give yourself some grace. You're not alone. Yeah. Even thinking of that too, like that word that you've, brought up a few times in the episode that I think is so important, worthy.

Like, wherever you're at, whatever you've done, you're worthy of turning the page and starting a new chapter. And I always go back to this thing, too, about you don't have to be ready to start, but just get started. You don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to tell yourself that you're going to be sober forever. But I love that. I mean, plug it to something and get around some people that can really lift you up and

understand what this whole thing is about because you might just hear a story or you might just hear something that this all makes sense to you. I mean, a lot of us didn't plan our last drink or our last drug. We were in a situation where maybe we heard something, saw something, and it just changed. There was that light bulb, that aha moment that really just hit us. It's not like what in the movies where all four tires blow out on the highway and you're like, now I've got to change my life. That usually happens many times before we end up getting this figured out.

But it doesn't have to. It can go a lot of different ways. But I love that. I love that for somebody, no matter where you're at, get started on something. And you don't have to do this alone. There's a lot of us out here. Like we've just heard Kelsey's story. And there's a lot of us out here.

Been through stuff. We're not proud of everything that we've done and went through. But we can't go back and change that. All we have is today and hopefully more days to come. And we just make the best of today and just show up the best we can, right? And that changes over time. Anything else? Anything else before we wrap up the episode.

I don't think so. I just want to say thank you so much for having me. It's been so fun chatting with you. Yes, of course. Same to you. And congratulations on everything. And thank you for sharing your story with us here on the show. Thank you. Well, there it is, everyone. Another incredible story here on the Sober Motivation podcast. Thank you, Kelsey, so much. I'll drop her contact information down on the show notes below for Instagram. If you want to just reach out and let her know that we appreciate her coming on the podcast and sharing her story with all of us. If you have yet to leave a review on Apple or Spotify, I have no idea what you're waiting for, but a review would be great if you have a few minutes to do that. And I'll see you on the next one.