Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Hadley experienced relief from her first drink of alcohol at 14 and went from binge drinking in college to mommy wine culture.

Episode Date: February 28, 2024

In today’s episode, we have Hadley, who speaks about her first drink at 14 and how it would remain complicated until quitting at 41. As life progressed so did the drinking from the binge drinking culture in college to the mommy wine culture that followed. After another night of broken promises to herself about remaining present and aware at a party, she blacked out and the hangover lasted several days and the thoughts of quitting started to become more real. Hadley discusses how it was in a 2-year span that she was working on her relationship with alcohol and after a day drinking session at the lake house she began her journey of sobriety in August of 2021 and everything has changed since then. This is Hadley’s story on the Sober Motivation podcast. ---------------- Follow Hadley on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/hadley_sorensen Check out SoberLink here: https://www.soberlink.com/recover Follow SoberMotivation on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sobermotivation/

Welcome back to Season 3 of the Suburmotivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. In today's episode, we have Hadley, who speaks about her first drink at 14 and how it would remain complicated until she quit at 41. As life progressed, so to the drinking from the binge drinking culture in college to the mommy wine culture that followed.

After another night of broken promises to herself about remaining present and aware at a party, she blacked out in the hangover lasted several days and the thoughts of quitting started to become more real. Hadley discusses how it was in a two-year span that she was working on her relationship with alcohol. And after a day drinking session at the lakehouse, she began her journey of sobriety in August of 2021. And everything has changed since then. This is Hadley's story on the sober motivation podcast. How's it going, everyone? We're three months into a new year, and I'd like to take a pulse on how everyone's doing and feeling.

If you made the commitment to get sober in 2024 but are struggling to stay accountable, check out Soberlink. Soberlink is an accountability tool that will keep you honest. It uses a really high-tech breathalizer system to help when those cravings get a little too loud. Here's why I love it. You'll test at the same time every day, eliminating testing anxiety. devices have built-in facial recognition so it knows it's you testing. Pamper sensors flag any attempts at trying to beat the system.

Friends and family receive instant test results helping to rebuild trust and prevent relapse. If you're serious about getting sober, this is a tool to use, and the only monitoring system I recommend. Make these next months count. Visit soberlink.com slash recover to sign up and receive $50 off your device. What's going on, everyone? Welcome back to another episode here on. on the podcast, an incredible story that we're all in for coming up here shortly. I just want to mention here really quick. I've been getting a lot of questions about people who are newly sober,

and they have these events coming up, and they haven't told people around them that they're not drinking or they're not doing other stuff anymore. And they're working on this alcohol-free or your sobriety life. And they're wondering if they should go to these events, weddings, vacations, all-inclusive, birthday parties. Whatever it may be, there's always going to be another event, right? You got to ask yourself one question. How many things did we miss out on when we were drinking or hungover or doing other stuff? How many things did we cancel? For me, it was a lot.

A lot of things I canceled because I just couldn't be bothered or I just didn't feel well enough to be able to attend. And for some reason, when we get on our sobriety journey, we feel that we have to attend all of these events, even though that I think we know deep down, it's putting our journey at risk. The old expression always stands. If you hang out in a barbershop long enough, you're going to get a haircut. My best suggestion is that you need to protect your sobriety at all costs.

And if that's saying no to the next event, then say no. You can catch the next one. There will always be another opportunity to go to these things, to be part of things again. But in the beginning, it's really important that you focus on your sobriety. Now let's get to this episode. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. We've got Hadley with us today. How are you?

I am great. Thank you for inviting me on. Of course. Thank you for making some time for us to share your story. Yes, I'm excited. I'm excited to share. Perfect. So what was it like for you growing up?

So I grew up in the suburbs of Washington, D.C. in Virginia. I am an only child. I had a very close relationship with my parents. Interestingly enough, my father did not drink for most, if not all of my childhood. He didn't drink for about 25 years until the last couple after he was diagnosed with cancer. He decided screw it. And that's a whole other story. But I had sort of a picture perfect childhood, no complaints, no trauma, very close with my parents. sort of that stereotypical only child overachiever, you know, good grades. But I discovered very early on as an introvert that I loved to drink. The first time I got drunk, I was 14 at a party. And I realized that it was just what I thought I needed to kind of help me fit in and feel like I belonged. So despite having this super happy, stable family childhood, I still kind of fell into that trap. Yeah, only child too. You do hear that from time to time, right? That you're maybe trying to do things to a level of perfection that just might be out of reach at times.

Yes, that has haunted me. Sometimes it's a strength. Many times it's a weakness, but I've sort of had to battle that for most of my life. Yeah. So you had a good relationship with your parents, too, which is incredible. And then you got right into it here in the episode. At 14, you start drinking. I'm curious how that becomes available for people at 14. Well, actually, so I had fallen in with some friends that were a little bit older than me and probably not the best crowd, right, for me to be hanging out with at 14. And one of them, their grandmother was out of town for the weekend, and he was watching the house, you know, and had the keys. And so we went over and had ourselves a little party and raided grandma's liquor cabinet,

which, if I recall, was mostly like minched shnob. and, you know, that kind of stuff, her liquor cabinet was not well stocked. But that's when I sort of realized, wait, this fitting in thing, this socializing, this kind of living in an extroverted world for somebody who feels awkward and, you know, has struggles to fit in. It kind of seems to make all of that easier. And so that's how it started. Yeah.

So you were able to identify before you drank for that first time. that maybe things were a little bit different because I know I picked up on a really early in life that I felt different than my peers. It was harder for me to sort of forge relationships with my peers. It was harder for me to get connected or get invited to things. Like looking back, I can see it clear as day. But at the time, I was just sort of going through it as a teenager trying to figure out what was up, what was off or what was weird or what was strange about, you know, me. Yes, I feel every word that you just said, and that describes my situation. I definitely felt it at the time, although I could not have articulated what I was feeling, but I always had this sense that I was kind of like a square peg and a round hole.

Like I never quite fit in. I was always sort of like fighting for my right in the friend group or trying to belong, and I never quite made it. I always felt like I was sort of on the fringe. And that feeling followed me for most of my life until I started to figure it out as an adult, right? But back then, it was like, oh, wait, this alcohol thing helps kind of smooth all of that over. Yeah, I like the way you put it too. And we were just talking before we jumped on the air here.

It kind of smoothed your edges. I think that's what you mentioned. Yeah. Yeah. All those rough, jagged edges, it just kind of seemed to. to wipe them away. Yeah. It's interesting, though, because I've heard a lot of stories here on the show.

Some people will connect sort of a euphoric experience with the first time they drank. Other people who maybe down the line had a problem with it in different ways. It might have been something that had a big impact on them. It kind of varies by story, by experience. But for me, I remember, it wasn't later until, you know, I was 17, 18 years old that I had my first drink. And I never saw it growing up. I feel like the naive one out sometimes on these podcasts because I was just not sheltered, but I was in so much trouble in other areas of my life.

Like I got in a lot of trouble. And people were often surprised. Even when I share my story, they're often surprised at like, oh, my goodness, you can go through all of that and not be struggling with drinking their drugs at the time. And I was like, yeah, believe it or not. But everything was there. Like the foundation was set. Right.

I was looking for an external solution to an internal problem that I was having. Like you, I couldn't articulate it. I had no idea. I saw doctors, counselors, therapists, ever since I was extremely young because the behavioral issues were just out of control. But I could never put a finger on it about what was actually going on. So you kind of connect the dots here with your first time drinking that, hey, this can alleviate maybe some of the discomfort or some of the pain or some of the awkwardness that

you're experiencing. how do things progress for you? Well, what's interesting is there was always sort of this dichotomy, right? There was this side that was like, oh, the alcohol makes it easier, helps me fit in. But also on the flip side of that, very early on, I felt like my relationship with alcohol was kind of toxic or corrupt. Because I learned very early on in my drinking career, if you want to call it that, that I was a blackout drinker. I would drink quickly. I would black out. It wouldn't happen every time. It was very unpredictable, but just knowing that it kind of lingered out there as an option was very unsettling. And I would wake up from, you know, the next morning after a blackout. And I was just, it was like I was huddled under a cloud of shame. Again, as a teenager, I don't think I identified what I was feeling as shame. That didn't come until much later. But I just knew that I was. miserable and I hated that feeling and it was the checking and did I do anything awful? Did I

make anyone mad? Did I do anything unforgivable? And so there was this dichotomy, right? Oh, I needed it to help me fit in, but then I felt so awful. And it made no sense. The two didn't go together, but yet I just kind of kept going with it. Yeah, it makes so much sense to go through it. Did you ever talk with any of your peers? Like, were they experiencing this without all? or no? You know, a big part of my story is that I experienced all of this for so long. I mean, we're talking about what I said 14 and then I finally quit totally when I was 41. And I always felt like I was the only one experiencing this. You know, in college, binge drinking is so common and accepted and sort of glamorized. Everybody joked about their blackouts. Everybody laughed about it. I had this,

like my drunk alter ego was badly, right? I'm Hadley. And then it was badly when I blacked out. And everybody loved it. And oh, is badly going to come out tonight? We haven't seen badly for a while. So there was never like a sit down conversation with someone where I said, I really don't feel right about this. And they said, yeah, me too. I mean, no one really talked about it in those terms. It was just everybody kind of laughed it off. And so I figured, I guess this is just normal. This is just part of the human condition, like we're supposed to drink. So this is what we're supposed to endure. And I just, I didn't ask the questions I should have been asking. When I think about it, too, yeah, even in college for me, I blacked out a handful of times when I would mix Xanax with

drinking alcohols when I first had, when I first had a blackout. It actually was really scary. I had a few occasions to where, you know, people have to recall the events back to you. And it's just that shame and embarrassment for me. I felt that after because this one time we went out to a restaurant and it was just like I was just there and going along with the thing. We're having this food, but I was so out of line, so out of character that I would never operate or act like that. And it was like five or six o'clock on a Tuesday or something, which I had never

experienced that before. And then even when I did experience it, when I look back, like, yeah, I was freaked out for a little bit, but I don't think I ever gave it a second thought or that anybody said anything but it's interesting too you kind of bring up that that stuff in college too about being celebrated for kind of the extremes because that was my experience too i had always been rejected in life i felt anyway i wasn't always like that way but i felt like i was rejected and that i would have to go to these extremes to get acceptance from other people and then it would be celebrated like if you could do the keg stand for the longest you know right you end up throwing up everywhere it was like that was

the coolest thing. But it's this badge of honor, right? Yeah, from, from my peers that I just wanted to, you know, fit in. So I was like, this is what they want to see. Like, let's give them, let's give them some serious entertainment tonight. But when I look back, it was just, you know, at the time, it was, it was, it was what it was. But when I look back, it's just really kind of hard to, to see that's kind of where things went. But that's what, you know, people kind of wanted to see. But I think it wears on us with over time, right? It wears on us kind of being an entertainer for everybody else. It did on me anyway. So you mentioned you went to college. Incredible. And then that's when you were the binge drinking kind of, you know, you get introduced to

that environment. Yeah. It's like a sport, right? Yeah. Yep. Work hard, play hard. Right. Yep. And I went to Virginia Tech. Great school. It's, you know, it was also a big party school. And so it was like a sport. It was what we did. It was, you know, parties always had a theme. There was the one annual party where it was, you know, everyone went for the 21 beer club, which was actually a thing where you marked on your arm with Sharpie. It was like a whole day festival. It was the two-story beer bongs. It was the shotgunning. And you got sick. You blacked out. Everybody just kind of laughed it off and moved on. And I just felt like it was, you know, stealing part of my soul away. But I wasn't willing to actually seriously consider an alternative. Yeah, well, it's, yeah, it's difficult. And it can be difficult in that environment. Like I never did. I never did.

And I never even thought, I never thought twice. I mean, we just recovered. And then we were already planning sort of the next thing. I mean, yeah, like you mentioned, all the theme parties. We used to do like these to go. I mean, we just, it was just everything that when you look back, it all revolved around that. And when I really like do serious looking within on that about what we were all doing,

It's like we were just all struggling to connect otherwise because when we would wake up in the morning in my apartment and they have all the people there. I look back at that and I wouldn't know what to say to people when I had somewhat sobered up. Like we were not really able to carry on much of a relationship and it was really awkward. But at night, five o'clock, six o'clock hit and we started our routine. It was just like we're all just best buds, but we really know absolutely nothing about each other. You weren't connecting on any sort of real meaningful level. Yes, exactly. When was the first time you would say that you maybe like craved drinking?

Did that start from when you started or now or never? So I would say my relationship with alcohol was interesting and that I could always walk away. I could always take a break. I could always, you know, it wasn't this, oh, I have to drink every day kind of thing. Which in my mind was, you know, you're always trying to stack up evidence that you don't have a problem, right? So that was like a big check in my favor. I can't have a problem because, you know, I might not drink for two weeks. And then I might have a glass of wine with dinner every night and that's it. But I have to say it became a little bit more consistent and outside of like partying, binge drinking, more consistent. And that I started to crave at least that one drink every night. in parenthood, right, when my kids were young. Like I mentioned to you before we got on that I felt like I sort of went right from the college binge drinking scene to the mommy wine culture scene, which is another whole thing, right?

And it was like, wow, I have two under two and a sixth grader and it's really freaking hard. I need a drink, right? And everybody was kind of showing that wine was that answer, right? Oh, now it wasn't just like I needed wine to fit in. It was like, gosh, this is a hard stage of life. I need a glass of wine to coat. It was always still sort of off and on. But during COVID, I think, was when I was like, wow, I really deserve that wine every night.

And I would wait for the clock to strike five so I could open a bottle and pour that glass. That was when I really felt that craving kind of start to kick in and become more consistent. Yeah. Interesting. You mentioned you went from the binge drinking sort of culture environment, which is definitely, you know, fostered in college to now this mommy wine culture. What did that look like? How do you maybe draw that up to somebody who they might be hearing this for the first time? Yeah. So it's interesting because I claim full responsibility. I was a big proponent of the whole concept. I was a health and fitness coach at the time, and my whole kind of online social media presence was built around me being a marathon runner. I'm a big lifter. I was really into fitness, but I loved my wine.

So I was super healthy, but I still loved wine, you know, that everything in moderation kind of attitude. And so mommy wine culture is sort of this idea that motherhood is really hard, and we deserve wine as self-care to kind of help us cope. And so it's it's things like the memes that you see that I used to share, like all the funny jokes about drinking. And you wine, so mommy wines and mommy's sippy cup and the rosé all day t-shirts and the dish towels that say, you know, no good story starts over a salad and all that kind of stuff. And it's it's kind of grown exponentially since social media has come into play. But it's been around for a while.

It was that notion that, oh, let's plan our playdates around which moms are going to drink wine with us at 2 p.m. And, you know, how early can we start drinking? And oh, my gosh, my kids have algebra. You know, I have to help them study for long division. Give me a glass of wine. It was like just wine was the answer to all of our parenting troubles. And it just does such a disservice to women and our kids, right? Because wine's not self-care.

It's not helping us. making things so much worse, we just often don't realize it until it's too late. Yeah. Yeah, thank you for that because it really paints a good picture because, I mean, we see that stuff everywhere. I can't help but see it in every, seems like every, I don't know what you call them, like tourist stores you go into. If there's a little tourist store, it's always, you know, drawn up like that.

But, I mean, you answer sort of my next question there, too, is that I've heard a lot of but moms kind of share this story and kind of, you know, gets sold this dream that it makes being a mom easier, but you mentioned in the end of your sharing there, that it actually makes things harder, but it's interesting to me because, see, when I first started drinking, it solved a massive problem in my life,

and it was a decent thing at first. Like, it wasn't the best. I mean, obviously the makeup of wine or of alcohol is not good. It's not healthy for us. But it solved those other problems that I was struggling with. So I was like, you know, this isn't terribly bad. The consequences didn't set in, you know, so it was kind of good until it wasn't good. And then when it wasn't good, I was battling with, I can't quit. But it's, would you say like at the beginning, you know, this serves some

sort of purpose that you believed was helpful? Yeah. Oh, for sure. I believed it was helpful in that I was stressed. I was frazzled. I, you know, my temper and patient. were wearing thin and I would have a glass of wine and it would like relax me and chill me out, that kind of thing. And so again, I thought that was like self-care. I thought that was a big part of me being able to unwind as a frazzled mom at the end of the day. But the problem was that over time, the sort of negative impacts start to accumulate, right? It made me more disconnected as a mom. It really didn't make me more patient. It made me less patient. It made me grouchy and it made me kind of lean away from my family instead of leaning in. And I think the biggest problem with it is that when we think as moms that wine is self-care, we lean on that. And it stops us from doing things that are really going to provide benefit as self-care. Right. We think wine is doing the job so we don't look for other outlets. We don't ask our partner for help. We don't, you know, get a loan. time when we need it or request it. We don't get the exercise we need or, you know, we think of

self-care as bubble baths and going to get a mani. And it's really a lot deeper than that. But when we're telling ourselves that wine is doing the trick, we ignore all the things that we really should be doing to help us. Yeah, well, that's so powerful there too, because it's kind of like reaching in the tool belt and only having one tool. Yes, yes. Yes. On a job site, and I can relate to that, you know, not in the mommy wine culture aspect, but the way that alcohol played a role in my life and other drugs, too, is that I just didn't have much or any resilience. So it was very hard for me to work through difficult situations when I was stressed.

For me, when I had a good day or bad day, it didn't really matter if the sun was out. I mean, that was go time, but I just didn't develop that resilience. You know, and that's what I figured out is when I got into recovery and sobriety and put it down, it's like, that wasn't the problem. The alcohol wasn't a problem for me. It was what was going on internally. And then when I wanted to get sober, it's like, man, I don't have any tools. I don't know how to deal with stress.

I don't know how to deal with myself. I don't know how to handle emotions or work through them. And because I had that one thing that would kind of do it for me that I could just reach to. It's really easy to give a cashier $10 and kind of get a solution. But when you want to work on yourself, you can't just, pay $10 and 10 minutes later, you know, maybe feel a little bit better. But then also as we know as time goes on, those effects that we feel in the beginning and you brought it up there in your share, that stuff is gone.

Like that little bit of relaxation and that little bit of maybe peace of mind and where the thoughts slow down, that stuff is gone. For me, it was anyway because then what happened later in life is when I started to drink, I was just worried about the next one and the next one. And the next one, I didn't even have time to relax. Yeah. Yeah, it's not really solving our problems. It's just brushing them under the rug and ensuring we're going to have to deal with them eventually.

And it's not going to be pretty, right? Because we're not going to have any idea how to do it. Yes, 100%. Did anybody in your life ever mention anything? Because you did mention earlier too, right? You're checking the box of, I mean, you're doing well from the outside looking in. you've got everything rocking and rolling here. Did anybody ever mention anything to you? No, what's amazing is, in fact, my husband was just reading some of some things that I had written.

And he was like, I still feel horrible that all of this was going on and I didn't know it or you felt like you couldn't tell me. My response was it wasn't that I didn't feel comfortable telling you. I know I could have. It was that I didn't want to. I was ashamed. I was keeping it inside and I felt like if I said it, That would make it real, right? But no one in my life knew that I was struggling. And in fact, when I said that I was quitting and started to kind of speak about this, people were shocked. And it was sort of that, why are you quitting? You don't have a problem. Well, just have just have one or just on special occasions. You know, people were kind of shocked. Now, I did have close friends that knew that I struggled after a blackout or a particularly bad drinking episode. I would kind of started expressing some of my, like, I don't. don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear what I did. I definitely don't want to see any pictures or videos. So they kind of knew that angle, but they didn't know that it went deeper than that. I was really good at portraying this image of it. Maybe it's that back to that only child thing, the perfectionist. Like I wanted to show this picture perfect image and didn't want anyone

to know what was going on behind it. Yeah, definitely it sounds like it could be that. I'm with you on that and maybe a different light, but that really made the struggle even more difficult for me because here I was trying to just be this person that was strong and just trying to keep it all in, not bother anybody else sort of with what was going on. But what I found after time of trying to keep all these pieces together, you know, the drinking was, of course, a problem for me, but also that life of just keeping everything inside and not sharing how I was actually feeling or what things were looking like or what I was struggling with became another spot that just caused a ton more anxiety and probably a lot of sadness in life to where I just felt like,

man, am I the only person out there who's going through this? Like, I've got to be because nobody else would ever do this to themselves, you know? This is beyond the drinking. I'm not even drinking in the morning. And this is how I feel, you know, it's just terrible. Yeah, I would feel the same way. I would look around at, I mean, and it's also twisted when you look at it now. I was looking at all the people who looked perfect on the outside, you know, just like me and saying,

I must be the only one that's struggling with this because no one else seems to feel this way. But statistically speaking, that's not possible. Lots of them were struggling also, right? We know how common it is now. And it was so powerful when I started sharing my story and people started coming out of the woodwork and saying, oh my gosh. I mean, I know you've experienced this. Me too. Me too.

I thought I was the only one. And that shame starts to kind of melt away when you stop hiding it, you know, when you stop hiding it inside. Yeah. They say that the only way to heal is to feel. You have to go through it. It's so scary. But it's interesting, too. I picked up on that you had mentioned before, I think, a little bit there, about you didn't look like somebody who might have struggled.

And it's so interesting that because when I look at all the people I know who currently struggle and I look at all of us who have struggled, there's not one person that I really could be like, hey, like you would be struggling with this. And I think that's another part of the whole struggle is because we become so good at doing what we need to do, checking off those boxes, right? Like, we can perform. We can do it really, really well. It's very interesting dynamic to things. Yeah. And we have these preconceived notions of what someone with a problem looks like. And for the most part, they're total BS, right? We think you're stumbling around with a bottle in a brown paper bag and you're disheveled and you're, well, I don't know anybody in this community. I mean, most of the people I know out here didn't fit that mold. So what are we even basing that on?

Our problem doesn't have a certain look, right? We have to get that out of our heads. Yeah. I always relate that back to like the Hollywood movies. You know, I feel like, you know, maybe five, six years ago, a lot of the movies, they'll show somebody who's struggling and it's, there's certain. characteristics about them that that maybe we kind of cling on to, right? Waking up in the morning and have a drink.

And although that is a lot of people's stories. Yeah. I think the main message here is that it doesn't have to be your story to say, hey, let's do something about this. You can make a change. You don't have to bottom out time and time again before we decide that, hey, we're just going to make some changes with our life, whether they give up drinking or give up other stuff and see where we land.

Right. And that's, I love that. My message has always kind of been, don't think that you have to check all the boxes on some like internet, am I an alcoholic quiz, right, to say, oh, wait, I need help, right? I didn't check most of the boxes. And I did those Google searches plenty of times, right? And I didn't check those boxes. So I'd think, well, I'm, you know, it was either I'm an alcoholic or I'm fine. And I was like, well, I guess I must just be fine. So I have to keep going, right? At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. If you check any of those boxes, if it feels like a problem to you, then that's all you need to go off of. Yeah, that's all you need to get started for sure. Was there a time when you ever thought to yourself that, like, I don't know if problems the right word, but like, hey, my life would be better if I didn't drink throughout your journey of drinking? Yes, yeah. I had a clear kind of start. I had this like the beginning of my awakening. I will call it.

And while I didn't stop drinking immediately, it was very clear that this was the beginning of my path to get here. And it was November 30th of 2019. My husband had a big birthday. And I threw him like an epic 80s themed surprise party. I mean, you would have thought this was a 21st birthday party, not what it was. It was out of control. And I went into the night, as I often did, saying, I want to remember everything about this experience. This party is going to be classy.

I'm going to be in control. I'm going to remember everything. And, you know, as often happened, that went out the window. And I ended up blacked out and woke up with the worst hangover of my life to the point where I really felt like I probably should have gone to the hospital. and I slid into a depressive episode that probably lasted for two weeks and was very clearly a result of that, you know, overconsumption. And it was like this wake up call where I thought, something is not right. I don't feel okay about any of this. I don't think life is supposed to be like this. And I really started to contemplate a change. I kind of opened my mind to it. And in fact, I took a break from drinking. I didn't drink for all of December, which people thought was insane, right? You do dry January.

You don't do dry December. And I was like, no, I needed a break, you know? And I was not even the drunkest person at this party, right? This was out of control. But again, everybody else seemed to just like lick their wounds, take some Advil, and move on, where it was like eating me from the inside. And so I didn't drink for all of December. I had a couple drinks like January, February, March, and then COVID hit.

Right. And things changed. I mean, it was a whole other story. Right. As COVID hit, my husband was diagnosed with cancer. He was laid off. It was like this series of unfortunate events. And I was like, yeah, I'm going to need, I'm going to need wine for this, right? Just back to that whole self-care thing. How else are we going to get through all of this without wine? But it was still all in the back of my head and it would take me, you know, two years to finally get there. But that was definitely the start of it for me when I said, started to realize maybe this isn't what it's supposed to be like. Yes. And I think it's so important to let people know that, that we can really get started in this

process. I mean, for every story I've heard, I think we all kind of come to a place like this to where it kind of makes sense and we kind of start to have those thoughts about maybe things would be better without alcohol. Maybe if I got sober, alcohol-free, my life, there would be more joy in it. in that or we just feel that the direction we're heading is a very slippery slope. And we have that. And, you know, because a lot of people, they ask or they think it's just this split second,

man, must be nice. And just one second, Brad, you just decided to get sober. And now you're sober. And it's like even in my story, you know, I went to rehab for 12 months. I went to detox. I went to jail. I mean, went on probation. I went on all kinds of stuff.

Intervention. I went to therapy. I went to counseling. And all of this, I went to meetings and all of this stuff. You know, if you were there like my parents were supporting me, I mean, they could only be shaking their head. Like, none of this is working. He's still doing what he's doing. But see, the seeds were being planted in ways.

Yeah. And I think that's why even if people aren't quote unquote ready to just take the leap right now, you can start getting yourself ready by, you know, doing small things, reading books, listen to podcast, go and visit counselors, taught with people, taught with coaches, and just get around people that are sober. And I think that that's such an important part of the process for us. Did you know anybody in your life that was sober?

No, I didn't. I didn't. It was such a big, drinking was such a big part of my social circles. You know, as an adult, you have sort of different pockets of friends And I mean, it was like that with all of them. We live in Virginia, wine country.

You go to wineries to celebrate everything. A wine tour. Mother's Day picnic, you bring the kids. They play outside in the hills while you drink wine. I mean, everything was focused around alcohol. So it was kind of like I didn't have any kind of role model or a picture of what that might look like in the context of my current life. And still all of my friends drink.

And that's fine. they know that my choice was about me, not about them. I've made adjustments to how we maybe spend time or things like that. But yeah, it's part of why I've really leaned so heavily into the sober Instagram community because it's sort of given me connections and an outlet that I don't have here in my day-to-day life. Yeah, a lot of us, yeah, didn't have anybody. You bring up the COVID, right? Now, this is a big theme, especially kind of where we're at, right?

a lot of people. When it hit, we're at home, we have maybe some extra time, we're maybe a little bit more stressed out. It's the unknown. It's sort of a lot of unknown things. Of course, the memes, I mean, not only the mommy wine stuff, but the memes and everything, it just, it seems like it just exploded on there. How did the things play out from there?

It started with, I was the crazy person that would sit and watch the news every night, like the daily press conferences. I mean, I've always been sort of a news junkie, and it was like, I felt like it gave me a sense of control to know what was going on, but it really just was not great for my mental health at that stage with what was going on in the world. But I would pour my glass of wine and I would sit and I would watch the news and I would get angry and I would get stressed. And then I had like two kids in elementary school that I was homeschooling or doing the

distance learning thing with. And then all of that other stuff I mentioned kept piling on and then we're dealing with like daily cancer treatment during a pandemic. And I was like, I need this wine every night. Damn it, I deserve it. I deserve it. It's a treat. And it was so easy to do because sports had been canceled. I didn't have to drive my kids anywhere in the evening. You know, we're going through cancer treatment so friends had started like a meal train. So somebody would bring dinner for us every night and they would always bring a bottle of wine for me. I mean, of course, my husband couldn't drink, but I would, you know, get him situated for the night. I would get the kids situated. We would watch a

movie and I would just drink wine, right? It just became more consistent than it ever had been, even though I still wasn't drinking a lot. I was having, well, you know, it's all, it's all relative. But, and then in 2021, so that was just sort of consistent. In 2021, when the world's started opening back up a little bit. I had those moments where I thought, okay, I kind of got to dial this back. I got to rein this in. Like this can't, this isn't healthy long term. I think a lot of people were thinking that after we kind of got through the brunt of 2020 and life was feeling a little easier again. We have a lake house that's about two hours from our home. And we spent a lot of time there during the pandemic. But because of my husband's immune system, we couldn't have any

visitors, right? We had to be so careful. And so in 2021, we started. We started. being able to have friends and family come back to the lake. And I always describe it as, you know, when you know when you would go on vacation and you'd get that like, yes, vacation drinking. Like it gave you an excuse to start early, go hard. I'm on vacation. That's what you feel like when you get to the lake. And so friends would come. And so we would drink hard all weekend. We would kind of binge for the weekend. And then Sunday would roll around. And I would be hungover and depressed and anxious and it would last till like Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and then we would go back to the lake for the next weekend and the cycle would start all over.

And I really felt the connection between that weekend binging and my mental health. And that just kind of got me further along in the process until I finally sort of had my wake-up call, which everyone says, like you were mentioning before, oh, you just made this decision in the moment and then you never went back like how did you just like it it had been coming on for a long time you know it was it was two years plus in the making yeah so what was that like was there anything that happened just before that or what did this situation what it looked like i had my best friend and her family were going to come for the weekend and i hadn't seen them since before covid this is like my ride or die right our kids

are close, like she's my college friend. Our husbands are close. Like, we were so excited about this visit. And that Friday morning they were supposed to come. She called and our husband had woken up with like cold symptoms. And, you know, like in that era of COVID, you were like, what we had to cancel the whole thing. We just couldn't risk it with my husband. And I was so sad. And so we got together with some friends that live by, you know, at the lake. And my friend and I started drinking. I had all this sparkling rosé I'd gotten from my best friend and I. And so this friend from the lake and I started drinking it and I was kind of like drowning my sorrows. Oh, I'm so sad that Kelly can't come. And we finished two bottles and it was like that sort of awful daydrawn hangover where you

fall asleep at 7 p.m. And you're like, oh, I'm going to feel awful at 3 in the morning. And I had like the water in the Advil next to the bed. And I woke up at 2 or 3 in the morning. And I had the spins. and the like hot chills and felt miserable. And I took my Advil and I was laying there. And I was like, why did you do this again? I had a long run. I was supposed to go on the next day. I was like, why am I, why do I keep doing this? And why do I keep acting like I'm powerless here? Like I don't have the power to change it. And I just felt everything sort of click into place. And I was like, this is it. I am so tired of feeling this way. And I can change. it right here right now. This is going to be my last hangover. And it was. And I just went forward

from there. I woke up. I powered through that last hangover. I ordered a bunch of quitlit books from Amazon. I started reading right away. I kind of poured myself into doing all of the things. And, you know, it wasn't always easy, but I have not looked back and I have not regretted it for even a half a second. Yeah. Wow, that's incredible. Thank you for sharing that. How soon was it into your journey that you mentioned it to other people. Like, did your husband know that this was the goal you'd kind of set out to achieve? Yeah. Well, so I gave myself an alibi, if you want to call it that. I said I was doing 75 hard. You know what that is? That like challenge, you know, because I was always, I was already a, you know, fitness nut. There's this checklist of things. If you don't know what 75

hard is that you have to do every day and just not drinking is one of them. And I already did the others. It was like excessive workouts and nutrition and drinking all the water, whatever. I don't even remember now. But I kind of did it for that alibi and I could be like, oh, I'm doing 75 hard. I'm not drinking. In my head, it was a totally different story, but I wasn't quite ready to like articulate what was going on. And so very soon into that, I started saying, you know, I think, I think this might be permanent in the alcohol sense. And I don't think anybody really believed me at first. But I slowly started talking about it more and then kind of getting public about it. And I was already out there on social media.

So then I kind of started sharing that side of the journey. And then people realized I was kind of serious about it. The rest is history. Right. That's incredible. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, 75 hard. No alcohol.

I think reading a book for 20 minutes a day. Yeah. And then, yeah. Exercise. Yeah. That's incredible, though, that that was there. and you're kind of already in that space too, right, with fitness. And it wasn't like too far out of, you know, for maybe for me,

if I was like, I'm doing 75 hard, then people would be like, what the heck is going on here? But for you, you're already in there, right? Yeah. And that's a thing too, right? I think when we first start a new journey, you know, we kind of, some of us anyway, some people just put it right out there to everybody, hey, this is what's up. But for some of us, I think we try to play it safe.

And I kind of maybe did in some ways, too, because I had already felt so much shame. I just was like, if I mentioned this to everybody and it doesn't work out, I'm going to experience that again in a different way, but I don't really want to do that until I was kind of had my feet under me in a sense. What things have you found challenging throughout this journey for you? So that's, what, August 6th, 21, right? Yep.

So just over two and a half years. What's been some challenges that you've worked through? I think in that first year, especially the sort of challenge of each of those firsts that we go through, right? The first vacation, the first girls' night out, the first, like, book club, like things that were big kind of drinking occasions, which, if we're being honest, it was like pretty much everything I did socially, right? and trying to figure out how to navigate those and a lot of the kind of fear around those firsts was in my head. Like I built up in my head ideas about what people were going to say and what they would think and how they would react and how uncomfortable it would be.

And for the most part, I was very pleasantly surprised. But just kind of coming up with a plan of action for each of those firsts, right? like my first vacation, especially it was at an all-inclusive resort, which would normally be like a drinking. It was, you know, it's like a constant drink fest. I'm kind of figuring out how to tackle that. Those were challenges, but with each of those firsts, I feel like my confidence grew and I got stronger and I felt better about my choice. Kind of figuring out who I was without alcohol was a challenge because I was. I had made it sort of a part of my identity, my love of expensive wine.

It was part, I had sort of made that part of my persona, which is so silly. But kind of stepping back from that and being like, wow, what I drink is like the least interesting thing about me, right? Navigating friendships was hard. I feel fortunate that my friends have been so supportive. and respectful and encouraging. But when those relationships have been built around drinking, you still have to figure out how to navigate that. And it was finding different ways to connect and spend time with my friends

if I didn't want to be out when everyone was drinking. Or just, you know, are there some relationships that maybe don't make sense anymore without alcohol? Was alcohol sort of the glue holding them together? And how do you like release those in a way that feels, okay. So those were those were some of the challenges and I feel like, you know, they still come up from time to time. I still find myself slipping into that. We were going to like a dinner with my husband's boss and some of their team from work and they're all big drinkers. And I found myself

getting all riled up before we went thinking, oh my gosh, what am I going to say? When they ask, what am I, you know, just the mind tricks. And then I went to dinner and nobody cared what I was drinking. It didn't even come up, you know, and it was like, oh, maybe a lot of this is in my head. Yeah. Those are some serious common things that we go to, right? Our identity and our friendships and especially in your story, too, is that a lot of things were tied, right? You're, we're tied to drinking. It just becomes, it just finds its way. I had a guest way, way, way, last year on the podcast and he just kind of mentioned to it, too, that alcohol just creeped into every crack in his life. I mean, it was just part of things. And it didn't always end up that way, but slowly,

but surely, it just, it crept in. And then that also the first you go through, right, your first birthday party or your first wedding or versus, but what you, the point you made there, I couldn't agree more with is that we get in our own way with these things, but other people, they don't care. You know what I mean? They just don't care about what we're drinking. And it, luckily in our world today, it's probably more accepting to not drink alcohol than it probably has ever been just because of the movement of people that are sharing about it, the other options that are coming out, the advertising for the other options, and just that all the impacts that they have on our mental health and our physical health. So if you're not drinking, it's that you're looking after those areas of your life. How has your mental health improved? You shared a little bit too.

You struggled at times with it. Yeah. You've seen improvement there? You know, I never want to suggest that quit drinking and it's going to magically resolve all your mental health issues. That's not the case. But for me, it almost felt that way because, you know, I've suffered with mild depression and anxiety since my youngest son was born and I had some postpartum.

And I've taken medication on and off and I'm very public about that. that. But I was drinking a lot while taking antidepressants. So not only was there, you know, my brain was like a mess. There was so much going on. And, you know, you're not supposed to drink while you're on antidepressants. But that was just another part of mommy wine culture. We laughed at that suggestion. Everybody did it anyways. All the moms were on Zoloft or Lexapro and drinking their wine. And when I quit drinking, it was like that fog lifting. my medication actually had a fighting chance to work again. And so much of my depression and anxiety it became clear were stemming from my drinking that it was like, it was like this cloud lifted.

And my mental health improved so much. And again, that's just what it looks like for me. But that alone was worth it. I felt like myself again. And it had been a really long time since I had felt that. way. So I will always be grateful, I mean, for many reasons, but that was a big one because it impacted every part of my life. And every day is not perfect. I still struggle. I still, but I'm able to sit with it now. I'm able to feel it. I'm able to handle it. And I'm not pouring gasoline on the fire

by drinking on top of it. I like how you shaped it up there to at the beginning, right? That it's not going to be a thing to just remove all mental health. I mean, mental health is really real. A lot of people struggle with a lot of stuff and just giving up drinking is no guarantee. But, you know, the story you share, I've heard so many times. I can relate to it as well that, you know, taking that away, just offered a different clarity, you know, anxiety. I still do have anxiety, but manageable levels. Like, I have anxiety to the point where if I go for an hour walk, I'll feel extremely better as to where before, it didn't matter what I did. Nothing alleviated the anxiety or the sadness, the hopeless feelings of it doing the same thing

over and over again. So yeah, that's incredible. Look, wrapping up here, my goodness, 53 minutes and 22 seconds. Oh, wow. Look at us go. Yes. Rapping up here. Is there anything you'd like to lead people with?

I mean, I always like to send a message out there for somebody who could maybe relate to your story about maybe moms and maybe people who are stuck in that mommy wine cycle or maybe people who are early on their journey and give them a little motivation to keep going. Is there something you could say to them? Yeah, I guess there's a few things I could say. But, you know, in the beginning, it can feel so hard to give up something that you feel like has been an important piece of your life. But in the end, you're going to realize it wasn't.

worth any of it. And it takes some time, right? We all figure that out. It takes some time to let go of that and move on. But it's so possible to build a joyful, fulfilling, vibrant life after alcohol, and it'll be so worth it. And especially as it relates to the whole mommy wine culture piece, if you're a mom out there, it'll make every aspect of your relationship with your kids and your family more full as well. It changes the ripple of fun. The ripple of fun. It changes the ripple of effects through your life are so profound. I love that too. And I just was reflecting back to earlier in your share too about that ability to be present. Yeah. Because I feel like that's one thing. I had no idea at the time. I thought when I was at these parties, these get-togethers and we were

drinking and booze. And I thought I was so present and so involved with the moment in so part of it. And now when I go to these events and I see other people around me drinking and it, it's nothing against them. They're doing their thing. It's all good. I don't ever come from a place of judging about anybody else's thing. But I can't help but pick up on the disconnect with each other, you know, with the meaningful conversations. Because that's where I kind of feel like I can connect best. It's really hard for me personally to really connect with people that are drinking. And then when I think when I was drinking, I thought I was connecting. And I actually wasn't at all on anything beyond very surface level

and I really love that benefit of not drinking. 100% I agree with every word of that. I feel the same way. Well, thank you so much for joining us to share your story. You're welcome. Well, there it is, everyone. Another incredible episode. This is going to be a story

that I know so many people are going to be able to relate to. It kind of fits into that gray area drinking thing where things didn't get overly terrible yet, but they were heading in that direction and that internal battle might be the worst of all. It actually might be the toughest. And you hear a lot of these stories and you can feel it. And you can hear it in some of the

stories and some of the people sharing that that internal battles going on. Who we're showing up in the world and what we're being every day is so far out of line with who we want to be and how we want to feel. And that wears on a person after some time. And in Hadley's story from 14 to 41, it does take time, but it definitely happens. It'll wear you down. And you'll be asking yourself, could my life be better without this? And for all of us, the answer is yes. Your life will be way better without it. I taught with Hadley after the episode, she's got a book coming up and she wanted to drop this quick audio note for all of you where you could find her and check out and get some updates on that information. So I'll drop that right after this and I'll see you on the next one.

I'm excited to let people know that I do have a book coming out in the next few months, hopefully may, but don't hold me to that quite yet. So if anything about my story resonated with you today, I would love for you to follow along for the details. This book is like my love letter to all the other women or anyone really who feel like something isn't quite right about their drinking, but they're not ready to do anything about it yet. You can find me on Instagram at Hadley underscore Sorensen, and Sorensen is with an E.N at the end, or my website, which is just Hadleysoorinson.com. You can subscribe there for my newsletter and updates on the book launch.