Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - He Drank for 25 Years… And Didn’t Recognize Himself Anymore

Episode Date: April 7, 2026

Quit drinking is not about willpower. It is about the moment you realize you cannot keep living like this anymore.For over 25 years, alcohol was part of Paul’s life. From the outside, everything looked fine.But inside, the anxiety was building, the anger was growing, and he was slowly becoming someone he didn’t recognize.There was no rock bottom.Just a quiet realization that something had to change.In this episode, Paul shares what it really looks like to live that way for decades, the denial that keeps people stuck, and the moment he finally chose to quit drinking.If you have ever questioned your drinking or felt stuck in the cycle, this one will stay with you.Paul on Instagram: Click HereGet Support. Get ConnectedSober Motivation WebsiteSober Motivation Community: https://sobermotivation.mn.co/Sober Motivation Website: https://www.sobermotivation.comSupport the Podcast: https://buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivationContact me anytime: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Great to have you for another episode. Brad here. Right before we get into it, two seconds of your time. I recently started adding video podcast episodes to YouTube, and I'm 125 subscribers away from reaching 1,000. If you could take two seconds out of your day, go over there and subscribe to the channel. Tell a few of your friends. Thank you so much.

Now let's get to the show. I drank on my own from a young age, stealing the mom's vodka and stuff like that, you know, trying to fill it back up water. But I do. had a problem then because I would have a sip and then I would like, oh, I need to go and have another one. But looking back at it now, obviously hindsight is a beautiful thing. I wasn't alcoholic from a young age. For over 25 years, alcohol was part of Paul's life. It was how he dealt with

pain, how he showed up, and how he escaped. And for a long time, it worked, or at least it felt like it did, because on the surface, everything looked fine. But underneath, the anxiety was building and the anger was growing in the gap between who he was. was and who he wanted to be kept getting wider and everything had to change. And this is Paul's story on the sober motivation podcast. Great to have you back for another episode here on the podcast. Don't forget to hit that subscribe button and drop your thoughts of this episode in the comments below. Welcome back to another episode of the sober motivation podcast today. We've got Paul with us. Paul. How are you? Yeah, good. Thank you. Thanks for having me, Brad. Yeah, of course. Thank you so much, man. What was it like for you

growing up? Yeah, for me growing up, it was quite a sort of turbulent and chaotic childhood. And yeah, it was pretty crazy, man. It was lots of stories to tell, wild ride at times. And yeah, drinking was a prominent part of my childhood and growing up. Yeah. What were some of the stories? And if anybody can't notice kind of with your accent there, where did you grow up? So yes, I'm from England, as you can tell with the accent. I grew up actually in Bedfordshire, the outskirts of London, for a good 12 years of my life.

And then I moved into, to move to London, really young, early teens type of age. So yeah, it was great. Like where I lived, it was like full of green. It was very countryside, chalk hills of Bedfordshire. Yeah, and it was, yeah, it was fun. You know, you could go. out and it's a safe place, go out and ride your bike and go and explore. So we did a lot of

in the summers, you know, bike rides, exploring and things like that. Yeah. What was the other part of it that you were kind of hinting towards earlier, the chaotic part? I mean, what are some of your memories too from growing up in that sense? I think the chaotic part was actually my childhood and, you know, I was a single parent home. There was, you know, my mother was young. there's a lot of partying, you know, around a lot of partying, around a lot of adults, which was, you're good, lots of christeninges, lots of birthday parties, weddings. There was always something going on which might involve family members and really access to alcohol from a young age, you know.

I'd be at christenings and I'd have a drink from a really young age. So it was quite wild in that sense as a start and it sort of just carried on. I just stayed on that, that head. hill, so to speak, going into my adolescence and my younger teenage ages, really. Yeah. Anything that you could put a finger on too that you struggled with growing up? I mean, I know you've listened to the podcast and heard a lot of the stories. Everybody has sort of a different experience for things. Is there anything that stands out to you? Yeah, I think it wasn't too long ago. I've been in counseling for the last two years, actually.

and prominent part of me growing up was, you know, I was molested as a young man, as a young boy from the age of eight. There was some sexual abuse in there. So I didn't really deal with that until my early early 40s. So it's a matter of just sort of holding on tight to all the emotions and what was going on, the confusion. And just trying to sort of, yeah, trying to blank it out with whatever I, could, whether it be fun, friends, alcohol, obviously being one of them, you know, drugs as well, in my later teens and my early, early teens and 20s going on. That was really a prominent part of me growing up, but the realization was quite, quite tough. Yeah. Well, thanks, man, for sharing

that too. Yeah, I mean, I can't imagine. Not something I've personally went through or worked through. But, you know, I've had a lot of people share on the podcast, too, about how, you know, how that affected them and how not really talking about it for, usually for a long time, you know, kind of bottling it up and holding it in. So at 12, you're kind of, you're getting this picture painted here of, you know, like a lot of living life around you, right, parties, gatherings, a lot of alcohol, you know, that was probably fairly normalized, right, gatherings and alcohol. Absolutely. Yeah, it was quite my, um, superheroes or people I would look up to, there would be people that, you know, are involved in party lifestyle or, um, involved in,

you know, more criminal activities, which came with, you know, the party lifestyle, which came with, you know, all of that. It comes together, doesn't it? At 12, though, I still had that sort of innocence about me and I was still trying to find my way and still trying to have good friends around me. But, yeah, my stuff. first experience of drinking was that age really. It's funny you mention that because that was my first experience of getting drunk in a park with friends at the time and yeah really enjoying it. I think that sort of led to reaching for the bottle in the cabinet area because there was always alcohol in the house, you know. My mother now is still a heavy drinker and always has been. So alcohol

was really accessible from a young age. I didn't have to like ask someone to go to the shops and get it for me. I think the legal age, you can buy alcohol here is 18. But we really start drinking from a young age. It's really part of our culture, the English culture, to sort of get together and gather and, yeah, and have a drink. So 12 was, yeah, it was that age where I found experiencing my first drunkenness, drunken episode, so to speak. And I was buzzed by it, though, you know, I didn't have a hangover. I was like on a ride, Brad, like, really felt like I was an affair guy around,

whatever I used to get quite drunk, you know, or alleviated. Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting, too, because people covering a lot of ground with a lot of different stories. People have different experiences, right? Some people get sick. They maybe, you know, have too much, right? We're not necessarily experts at that stage when we first get started. But they still go back to it.

Other people, I think I'm more in line with you. you, man. It was just the most beautiful thing. I felt like all my insecurities everywhere I ever had in the world, like how insecure I was talking to girls and connecting with people. I felt like all of that just kind of faded away. And I was like this different version of myself that people seemed interested in, kind of as like this party or let loose or, you know, which wasn't me at all. But I enjoyed it. When I hear, I feel like everybody I have on the podcast from England, they always first start drinking in a park. I mean, is there something with that? Like when you say a park, do you mean like a place? playground or like a, you know, place to hang out?

Or what is that? I think generally, we have this very green, as you know, if you've been here, it's a very green country. So generally, in these green zones or green areas, so you call it a field, they'll always be a kids park where there'd be like a seesaw, kids amusement, um, I should call it a seesaw, kids amusement toys, swings and things like that. They want to get boss over. But yeah, so that would be like a place to gather.

So it wasn't far from school. It was in between where I lived and where I went to school, which is about 15, 20 minutes. So it was easy to meet people from school and, you know, have my first sort of experience with drink and girls. And I was very much a shy boy. I was labelled the shy boy growing up. And that was a lot to do of my experiences of the sort of the abuse. And I was quiet because of it. So having that drink, that rush, that. that peeling everything back and being able to be liked. That was my first initial feeling. I was liked. I felt I could be myself, so to speak. So, yeah, it was a lot. It was a gateway to a different life or a different me. So I was never going to put it down anytime soon.

Yeah, it was sort of, yeah, it made a whole lot of sense. It's interesting how that happens, though, for some of us, Right? Because for some of us, the first time we drink it, it just makes total sense. It checks so many boxes for our life. And then other people, I'm sure that there's so many people who they drink for their first time. And they might not drink again for another two years to say, oh, that was just disastrous. But I think what you touched on there, too, with the abuse and your experiences and your life is that you had all of that happen. And then it affected you in a way, in a lot of ways.

and then this was sort of an escape or a way to numb or a way to come out of your shell maybe a little bit? Like, is any of that accurate? Yeah, I think all of it's accurate, actually. You know, I came out of my shell. I never had a hangover. It was on a ride whenever I was, you know, drinking. It was great. This is fun, you know.

I'm excited. You know, what can I do next? Or everything had been numbed. And I felt like, you know, like you say, the Superman jumping off a 10, floor building, you know, it was just like, wow, this is great. This is the way for me. I could go to parties, you know, I think I went to my first sort of underage party, which was allowed for under 16s.

And I was, I had a drink. Like, most people didn't drink. I drank before I went and was like, this is fantastic. Like, I felt more important and I felt accepted. And, you know, and that's really, that's important. for me to say that actually to really touch on that that acceptance and it was something that was dealing with throughout my childhood and my later years actually my 20s my 30s and kept on sort of but didn't jump off I did never get off the ride yeah well you have now but back then no you

were you were riding it to the last stop where do things go where do things go for you from there too and what if you were caught drinking I mean would it have been a big deal or no no no absolutely You know, I think, yeah, I'll be encouraged by elders, the elder part of my family, to let you know, come on, don't be shy. You know, let your hair down. Have this, if that helps, you know. Walking around with a lot of pain and a lot of insecurities and a lot of issues. And again, you know, my childhood was, like I said, was quite chaotic. So, yeah, it wasn't, there was a lot going on, if I could say, in my own.

And I think, yeah, going back to your question, yeah, I just, I didn't get stopped, which led to, like, I think when I was about 16, between 16 and 18, I started to smoke a lot, a lot of weed. I smoke a lot of weed to the point where I was just like getting up and smoking a lot. Yeah, not going to school, that type of thing, you know, it was, you know, and then I was in a different crowd then, you know, I was like, it was, like, it was, jumping through all these crowds and of acceptance, oh, I could be accepted here. I can, you know, around a lot of guys who can smoke. So yeah, now I started with that. And I'd sort of lived quite a normal,

tried to live a normal life, tried to get a job. But I always had this sort of party excitement, always knew I could turn back to the excitement, that party style, lifestyle that I was sort of used to. I knew of from my young age. I grew around it. So it didn't feel abnormal,

go into a party and not being known. It was, yeah, it was quite, yeah, anything was exciting for me to do something like that. As long as there was alcohol involved, I'd be excited by all that type of thing, you know? Yeah, yeah. It sounds like even to me, I mean, from what I'm hearing, drinking for use, substance use, the smoking, the drinking,

was a big self-medication from the beginning, from the early days, you know, way to, to, you know, quiet down, maybe whatever was going on between your ears a little bit? Yeah, absolutely. You know, I think, you know, there was moments in that time where I would, I would start, I drank on my own from a young age, like, you know, stealing the mum's alcohol bottles, like the vodka and stuff like that, you know, trying to fill it back up water. But I would, I was, I knew I had a problem then because I would have a sip and then I would like, oh, I need to go and have another one. And then I'd have another one. And then before you knew it,

like halfway through a bottle of vodka from the ages of 1214. I was like, didn't bat an eyelid. But looking back at it now, obviously hindsight is a beautiful thing. And I can look back and look back and I'm like, I was an alcoholic from a young age. The bars it gave me was just excitable when I was, that's what I was yearning for. And they're away from the sort of darker side and the thoughts and the sorrow and the pain, you know, that you carry for going through sort of childhood abuse, childhood abuse, yeah, and it of experiences.

Yeah. Where do things like look like for you or what do things look like for you on the tail end of high school? Did you drop out of school then or no? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I just smoked my way through it the late years. I'd smoke loads of weed and it was pretty good weed back then, though, you know, it wasn't too much chemical day.

It was pretty good. It was, you know, it wasn't too much. You didn't mong you too much. And I would, yeah, I'd get up and that would be my day and smoking. And part of it until at least my early 20s was I was a heavy smoker. I wasn't really too concerned about working or going to school or going to college. I did try. I tried to go to college and I dropped out.

I tried to go to university and studies to create a creative art. And again, I dropped out. Yeah, I think I was those years after school or leaving school years, we call it the GCSE years, the serious point where you've got going to get a job and you know, you've got to have certain qualifications. I was like, no, forget that. I'm just going to smoke. I'm going to smoke all the way through these years and see what happens, see where I am. Yeah. And that was after that, it's after high school.

So just leaning into smoking and hanging out. I mean, what you said there, too, I think is, you know, one of the interesting things about it. I mean, hindsight is 2020, but I mean, tell me your take on this. When you're going through it, I mean, maybe there's a little bit here and there sense and understanding and honesty with ourselves that like this isn't the best, you know, path to be on. But I think part of it, too, the denial is so deep that I don't know, man, I didn't really realize how like where I was headed. You know, people around me would mention, hey, like, this isn't good. My parents, whatever. I mean, people would mention stuff.

And I mean, I just looked at them like they were crazy. Like, I just knew what was best for me. And it's just living recklessly and just doing whatever. It really had no future. But at the time, I couldn't see it. Yeah, I think you're right. I think it took, like, moments of, you know, sitting in a cell. Like, there'll be moments I'd get in trouble with the police.

I'd be out smoking, drinking, causing antisocial behavior. generally and I'd get in trouble when I end up in a night in a cell and that those moments would be like I'm touch and go now I got into a moment at all occasion with someone coming home from a girlfriend's house at the time who I see and I was drinking throughout the day and I did some bodily harm and got in did some grievous body harm got into a lot of trouble got caught went to court for it and I was like one minute away from a jail sentence so I got 200, they call it community service. So I've got maximum hours of community service.

And it's just in my early 20s. And that was enough for me to be like, okay, maybe if I want to smoke or if I want to drink, I might just need to just hold back a bit and moderate it. So I can try and live normally, try and go and get a job, you know, and try and be upstanding. Because I was looking at any more trouble. of being put in jail basically because of the criminal activity. Yeah.

So this incident here was kind of an eye-opener for you of like connecting the dots of, okay, when I drink, I open up the door for potential trouble or to get myself in trouble or to, yeah, kind of acting character. Probably sober, you wouldn't be doing that stuff. No, I was very angry. Like, as you can maybe imagine, I was very angry as a team, very confused and angry. So, yeah, you know, it would bring this sort of demon out of me, depending on what I was drinking.

So very much. So, yeah, yeah, it was definitely, like, angry. What does your life look like outside of, you know, the drinking and smoking? Like, are you working through your early 20s here? Where are you living? Like, what does that picture look like? Yeah, so there we go. The lifestyle just continued to be chaotic, really.

Like, I think I moved out when I was about 16 of my mom's home. kicked out. It's like, I've had enough of you. Like, this is crazy. You need to go. So I think I moved out and went to live with my father because, you know, we're a single parent and tried that for size. Didn't work out.

And then I thought, well, I can't go back and, you know, get myself a girlfriend and started living with a girlfriend and working whatever job I could to make ends meet, to pay the rent. It's just chaotic. When I look back at it now, like, there was no, there was no, there was no. like foundation. There was no settle. I didn't feel settled. So, yeah, the early team, my early 20s, I was in and out of work, basically, and doing whatever I could to make ends meet. I was just happy to be accepted socially. I'm happy to be part of a group that drinks, smokes, goes out,

parties. I was really happy with that part of my life. Very unstable. Yeah. How did you feel on the inside. Like, did you have any sober moments to reflect? I mean, you mentioned sort of the nights in jail, but did you have any sort of moments to reflect on how you, you know, were feeling about where things were? Oh, if I'd be completely honest with you. And I know, I am on the podcast to be absolutely that. And no, there was no self-affection. There was no remorse, even in regards to getting in trouble and nearly going to jail, didn't feel remorseful for it. I think if I'm as honest as well, I just like my status.

I just like the status quo what alcohol and drugs and drug abuse brang for me as a person of that time. So I didn't ever really self-effect. I was just like, right, I'm on this right now. Let's not come off and let's not break. Let's not break down, basically. So, yeah, it was sort of, I went into my early 20. tease with the same attitude. I was just going to stay on this lifestyle of partying and rock and roll.

Which is interesting. I mean, where you're at now and you reflect back on sort of that stage, I mean, what do you kind of put a finger on it as? Like, is this just a big distraction from what's actually going on with you, maybe internally or everything that you're avoiding? And it's like, hey, if I just keep going to bars and hanging out with people and just put pouring substance on it, maybe I can. avoid or I don't have to sort of maybe deal with with life or no yeah I think it was um yeah it was true

avoidance from what had happened what I went through as a child I think yeah it was yeah it was just real avoidance really and like I said didn't really want to deal didn't want to go there with you know the sort of abuse um what I experienced and it was easy like I always said to people like drink alcohol it really does what it says on the tin it really does like if you want what the instructions are there for you there are clear that was always my lean-to drug it was always alcohol you know like i said i smoked a dabbled with you know class A substances but alcohol was like this is my friend this is doing exactly what it needs to which is just take away all the pain take away all the sorrow, just park it.

It's being, isn't it? Like, you know, you just park it, you know, and face it the next day, and then obviously you start again, start drinking. Yeah. How much were you drinking? Oh, you know, I think for out my heaviest sort of stage, I was, you know, I went, we should go on holiday a lot, and holidays was the prime time to really let my hair down. and I'd go through, you know, Yeager Meister,

bottles of Yeager Meisters for, like, breakfast, really. And so I've got myself a bit of a name through this shot in Yeager. Like, everyone just called me, I got myself a bit of a name for it. And I would say, in all, I'd drink at least two to three bottles, wine, maybe a night. And then I would start on beer as well. So that was sort of late, when I started sort of, later in my life, but a lot of the time, it's just whatever I could get my hands on, I'd drink. And it wasn't sometimes a lot of volume.

It was just the consistency. I wasn't bothered what I drank, but I'd make sure I'd always be drinking, whether it'd be cans of pills now or bottles of brandy. There was always something in my hands, you know? Yeah, as long as you had something. Anybody mentioned anything to you about how much you're drinking or the other people? The other people you're hanging out with drink in the same way. I think, no, I think I was the guy who would drink more.

So I was the guy who would hang out with friends and we'll drink, you know, 16 cans or whatever it might be. And that might not be enough for me. I'd be like, I want more. I want a bottle of cider or I want, I want to start on some brandy, you know. And if no one's joining me, I'll just go home and start drinking on my own. own. So at times, people wouldn't see a lot of the drinking I'd be doing, you know, and I started to drink a lot at home during COVID. I don't want to jump too far ahead, but yeah, that's when I sort of started to really unravel. Yeah, during COVID, yeah. Going back to, like, say, approaching, you know, your 30s here. I mean,

is there anything that stand out? I mean, a big part of this, too, is probably the drinking is still there. is part of it, but did, you know, anything else sort of change up in your life as well or no? Yeah, I became a father from a young age. I was a father from the age of 20. Oh, okay. Yeah, and by the age of 30, I had two children by then. And by the age of 30, I was nice and settled by then, Brad. I was, I had full-time work. I had money in the bank. I had holidays. I started playing recreational sport as well, which involved a lot of drinking. One being rugby I played as well, which is a lot of drinking involved in that.

So I was really like, I started to settle down a bit, you know, I was with someone who had met from school. And again, that was turbulent, but again, you know, she stuck by me. So there was that 30-year-old, it's like, okay, maybe I can continue this, but at a little bit more of a grown-up level, if that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Okay, so a few more details there. So, yeah, two kids, by 30.

And how did you kind of turn things around, though, to even get full-time work and sort of, you know, like this stuff? Like, did you sort of have an awakening there of some sort of? Yeah, definitely. So the children was like, right, okay, you need to be responsible. My first child was like, right, you know, I was 21, be responsible, get a job. even if you want to party and take drugs there needs to be money coming in

it's not just for me now so there was definitely an awakening with that but yeah the partying continued at more of like an adult stage like you know instead of me going to the club or bar I was like right I'm going on holiday

you know and I can spend as much as I want on alcohol with friends and I think there was time at nine holidays in one year Yeah, just absolutely drinking my head off. I was like wherever I could go. Like the cheapest place for drink was like, yeah, this is heaven.

Yeah. So yeah, it was, yeah, it was like I said, the excitement I got from drinking was, yes, one of a kind. Yeah, definitely one. Yeah, I mean, that's probably one of the earlier red flags to kind of look out for of. I mean, when I see, when I see people don't, I'll call it a drinking problem. and we can call it whatever we want, an alcoholic, whatever. When I see people who don't struggle with that, they drink and they go to sleep on the couch.

They fall asleep because it's a depressant. It makes you tired. But there's a percentage of us out there that we'll clean the house, we'll cook meals, we'll do this, we'll tinker in the garage, we'll get all fired up, get energized from it. It's kind of what I'm picking up from you. I mean, it shoots you out of a can. Yeah, yeah, so a lot of this come up in like in counselling, you know, like I said, the latter years, two years of it.

It's just come to a bit of a halt. It's come to a stop and rightly so. I think, yeah, it was like, like you say, I was never a point, well, it got to a point where I drink to black out. And especially on things, on spirits and the Eagermis, it was like, I got to a point where I was drinking and I was blacking out. And it was like, what happened with data friends? Well, what happened? You don't remember what you did? It was like, no, I was like, what happened? And then I'd have to get the story the following day. So, yeah, that sort of excitement started.

It was always there, but it started to change. There was a change, like a chemical change in me. It was like, okay, now this is getting a little bit dangerous with how my body's reacting to alcohol. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of people share about that too with the blackouts. They have no idea when that's going to happen at some point. Some people that even starts from the beginning, they start having, you know, blacking out, like every time they're drinking, which part of me is like, okay, like, can that be true? But that's what people share.

I mean, I don't know all the details. I mean, I had a few blackouts in my life. I mean, two, you know, one of them, man, I was behind the wheel. And I was behind the wheel for 45 minutes, lost. And a couple of my buddies had to put the pieces of the puzzle together for me because you don't remember anything. And I mean, it was just kind of one of the many times where I thought to myself now reflecting back, like, dude, this could have been, this could have been tragic, man. Very tragic, you know, for my life and whatever else was around me. but when you, you know, I'm just, I just, only thing I remember is leading up to that, man.

I had drank a whole bottle of gray goose vodka. I thought I was some sort of celebrity or something. And I drank this bottle of vodka. And then, yeah, I got behind the wheel and it was going to go on some sort of mission or something. And yeah, I woke up the next day at my buddy's place and covered and marked up, scratched up, just banged up, face everything. And he started to fill me in with the story about how I ended up there. And he was a good 30, 45 minutes away. And I lost my phone.

And, you know, I do any way, I think back on those. And I'm just thinking, man. Yeah. There's one of the most beautiful things about not drinking anymore is I don't have to worry about that kind of stuff. So you're kind of, you get into this blackout stage. When was this? I mean, is this kind of the COVID kickoff? No, I like blackout stage.

It was like going into my 30s and 40s. And I was like going out of pot. I was really like, okay, I'm out of stage now. I've been drinking for a long time. I can handle this. I can go into parties. I know what I'm doing. This is great.

You know, there'd be a moment where, okay, Paul's had too much, you know, to the point where you, again, I'm blacking out, waking up, like, what am I doing here? And I think the craziest thing for me, even listening to you, Brad, back on that, is despite all that,

friends would still be like, are you going out on Saturday? Or are you coming out next weekend? I'm like, yeah, of course. I'm like, I'm raging it for your bus going out. you know, let's all get absolutely hammered or, you know, going to Camden and listen to bands, listen to music. I really started, in that 30-40s, really started to sort of try and indulge in a more of an alternative scene. And alcohol was a huge part in that, yeah, sort of leaning into sort of, you know, music and skinny jeans and into tight shirts.

Weakle pickers and Camden was like, what is going on? when I look back now, it's quite funny. But yeah, it was a real dark moment. And I think it took, something happened where I sort of took myself out of that scene and just decided to start drinking at home. And that's when COVID kicked in for me. I was a, I was drinking at home a hell of a lot. Yeah.

COVID. So COVID just accelerated that. I was working yeah I was working I was drinking like you know midday I was yeah

I was the kids at home was like let's just have a drink I can work I can drink so this is fantastic and I thought at the time

I was drinking red wine a lot of it and I thought because it's red wine it's not what's the worst that can happen it's not Yeager it's not vodka

it's not brandy it's not grey goose you know this is easy this is light but yeah that's when And I, it's like, okay, I've got a problem.

Yeah. Even interesting there when you go back to, you know, your friends and your relationships and all these people that you're, you know, hanging out with, would anybody have had any idea of what you were actually going through? Or did they just see it as one big party for your life? No, I think, you know, I was like the best, if I could put it, like, chameleon. and yeah and I was and give me a drink and I could be in a room with all different types of groups and different types of people so I was really good at protecting myself and even so now you know

I've got this sort of defensive mechanism and protection that I sometimes layer on and realisation now it's a beautiful thing you know and anyone who's gone through any type of turbulent childhood to try counselling I was dead against it. I always thought it was for people that could afford it or I suppose what you see on TV, the shrink, you know, around these rich families, you know, and I just didn't think it was for me. So, no, absolutely not. And, you know, I'd go back to that, you know, being honest, it was just literally a mask. And like I said, I go back to, Alcold just does what it says on the team. So it asked everything very, very well. Yeah. Yeah. So they just sort of excited me, really.

Yeah, that thought there too about therapy kind of not being for you or being for others. I thought right away, I was like, therapies for people who need it. And I'm thinking about the life and the story you've shared up into this point. I don't know if you would be at a spot where you thought you would need it. Like it seems like this is sort of, it does what it says on the tin. I mean, you're drinking. So it's like you're getting sort of that escape and not really having to maybe face sort of the heaviness. of what you've been through or how you grew up, you know, fully, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly that. And in all fairness, I always had sort of people to talk to on a, on a deeper level, especially, you know, my mother, you know, she's great. She's been a pin in my life and ups and downs between us, but, you know, she's always, always been there, you know, always somewhere I could turn to. But she is always, you know, bless her heart, always had alcohol in her life as well. So it's quite, it was, you know, it was, you know,

It was a bit like a mirror, really. You know, sit and drink on my mom at times, you know, and with better an eyelid, you know. So I didn't have to face anything. And it was, it was, yeah, I didn't have to face anything, Brad, really, during the amics of drinking. Yeah. And then it hits and you, you get into red wine becomes the thing.

And then you maybe scale it back earlier and you're working and that kind of opens up a window. I mean, I have such a relatable story, I'm sure, for so many people, right? is there was so many jokes and everything flying around. It was just like this normalized thing of, you know, drinking and while working and all this stuff. He didn't have to go in somewhere. So if you're a little bit hungover, whatever, you know, you could kind of keep your camera off.

Like a lot of people went through this. But I mean, I think there's, I think there's like two sides to it. We're oddly enough. I think there's two sides to it. I think for some people, what this did was exposed the problem, maybe sooner than if it had. hadn't have happened. You know, maybe other people could have carried on, you know, maybe another

10 years or something before it was like, oh my gosh, but this sort of phase right here, I think, really, like you said, a mirror, kind of put a mirror up to people and sped things up, but then also gave them sort of an opportunity to get honest about where things really were. What was your experience with that? Oh, man, honestly, like, COVID was, I don't know if it was a blessing in disguise, really. The craziest thing was everything else was closed, apart from the wine merchants. I used to go to the wine merchants with my partner and it was getting to tasting wine. It was like during COVID. It was like I would never dream of doing anything like that and it was just an escapeism again. So I was buying boxes man. I was like boxes delivered and going through boxes of

wine a week with my partner at the time and I was doubling her amount. So like if she'd have one, I'd have two bottles that is. And I was working. I'd never turn my camera on. You know, I might as well disappeared during those years. And it's weird because, like, even though I was doing all that, I was still trying to be hyperactive, still trying to run a business, like my own sort of side hustle. I was trying to run side hustles at the time as well.

You know, I was turning up, like, really sort, sozzled, really. And I was just going through the motions, man. It was like, then it got to a point I had got really bad anxiety, and it was like, right, you've got to go back to work. And I was like, well, I don't think I can. I'm not in a great. great way. I think a lot of people didn't believe me. They were like, no, he's just, you know, he's trying it on, you know, I'm in a bad way. Like, so from that, I went to A&A. And it was organized, I think it was organized through work, getting back to work. And I went to AA. Yeah. I went to, and just doing COVID, yeah. Well, wait, so what was the process there? What kind of led you up to there? Take, take me a few days.

before you you went to a meeting or you went in person or online online all online I was like I can't be seen I'm like okay like here's here's the like back-to-work care team and that it was like a discussion with them and it was like well what's going on and so I'm drinking a lot to the point I've got really bad anxiety and they were like oh okay um have you thought about A-A and I was like not really. I was like, I ain't got a problem. Why am I going to say? Talking about, they were like, well, give it a try. And I said, okay, so I'd be honest, I tried. I went and I had no intentions of stopping. I would go, and I'd go, as soon as I finish, I'll go straight back to the pub. And I'd be shaking. The pub, the drink, the first initial drink was to stop the anxiety.

It wasn't a matter of, okay, well, screw you anxiety. It was like, whatever I could. can do this and I can just go and sort my anxiety out with with alcohol and I did that for about three months didn't last long doing it to be honest until they sort of signed me off and said oh yeah you're doing so much better now you're drinking less and it just didn't work it didn't work yeah and that was what your job you'd so your job was like okay you're doing better now no hey oh the but you're still drinking but you were still drinking I was you telling them yeah I was I was like yeah, I'm drinking less. They were like, make sure you have half and have water.

And they're like, yeah, I'm doing it. And it's like doing it for, you know, a few weeks or so. And it's like, yeah, well, well done. You know, do you want to carry this on? I was like, no, it's fine. I'll be okay. And yeah, the minute that stopped, it was like, yeah, back on the road again. What was so hard with you at that point to just say you had a problem?

Like, I mean, I think we look back now and we can, you know, like see it clear as day. but kind of about what we talked to earlier. It's hard to see it when you're in it. But what was the thought process of like, hey, you're going through withdrawal. It sounds like if you're having the anxiety and you need to drink it when you, when you drink, if it alleviated whatever you were going through, I would say that that would be a withdrawal. What was the difficult part?

What was so scary about just walking away? You know, I mean, you've been drinking for since you were 12 until your late 30s or 40s. Right. You've probably covered all of the ground. You're ever going to cover and experienced all of it. What was so scary for you? What was it? What was it?

That is a really good question. I think I didn't want to face a lot. I didn't want to face the sort of authentic me. I didn't want to put down a bottle. I didn't want that side of me to die. So I was like, no, I've not got a problem. And again, I was like, well, I don't drink. I would measure myself against.

other people. I don't drink that much. I only have a few bottles of wine, you know. Yeah, it's not much and a few beers as well on top of that. It's fine. There's people in a pub that, you know, have 10 pints a night.

So I'd really like benchmark myself against the biggest alcoholic I could find. Or like, you know, it could be someone homeless and I'd be like, yeah, he's worse. He's homeless, you know. I think as well, as where I was like able to work, where I was able to have a side hustle, where I was able to still pay my bills on time.

Yeah, I honestly thought it. I didn't have an issue. But realistically, Brad, there's a lot of people around me who were hurting, who were like having to see me not be authentic and sort of, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was hurting a lot of people around me, unfortunately. And I wasn't able to see that. Yeah. What about joy and, like, happiness and those sort of things?

because you had mentioned too, like you could, you know, pay your bills. And I think there's a lot of people that end up here, right? Like if I can pay my bills, show up to my job, do what I need to do, then there's nothing to see here. But I think it goes a lot deeper. I mean, is joy and happiness and peace a part of your life or, or no? No, no. There wasn't that, that peace, that inner peace.

And there wasn't that, there was a real sadness. Yeah, it was a real sadness. sadness there that I wasn't able to sort of deal with and wouldn't wasn't deal with it because I was just masking it. So there's a lot of fakeness and a lot of fake smiles and fake laughter and, you know, as you do, which comes with alcohol. So yeah, there wasn't any real deep happiness and real winner peace really going on. There was moments if I'm, yeah, it might have been moments. It wasn't moments that I was happy to sit with, if that makes sense. Yeah. So I wouldn't stick with it. Yeah. I mean, I think at this point, too, like I'm only guessing here, obviously we've

just met, but I think it becomes, it becomes a big part of identity, of someone's identity. This is kind of who we are and what we're known. This is what we've kind of always done. Like, this is what we've done for so many years to walk away from it is scary because what is on the other side of this is so unknown, even though, I don't know if you'll relate to this or not, but this is how it was for me. I wasn't really scared of quitting. I was really scared of it all working out because I'd never lived that life before. Like being in drugs and drinking and all of that,

like I knew even though it sucked and it came with a lot of consequences and hurt a lot of people, I knew day in and day out what to expect from that life. Like my nervous system, everything was lined up to sort of handle that rockiness. But if things worked out and I was like successful, quote unquote, you know, relationships and got an apartment and got another car and held a job like that. I didn't know that.

I was so used to losing stuff. I was so used to getting evicted. I was so used to getting fired. I was so used to people just leaving my life because I was living a train rack. And weirdly enough, like things actually working out was scary to me because then I had something to lose. I think when I was not doing well, I just didn't have anything to lose either. So there was like limited disappointment.

That's sort of like my take on it. Anything from you? Any thoughts from you? Yeah. Yeah. I love the chaos, man. It was something I was used to from a real age. Like it was part of the turbulence.

It was like me as well. I knew how to be turbulent. I knew how to change my moods as well. Like be exciting and be angry and be emotional and then simmer down a bit. You know, it was like I loved all that turbulence. It was just something that came with me and something that I just enjoyed, like, you know, and the alcohol just always, like I said,

was another level throughout that excitement. I think, yeah, you know, my partner, God bless her, she's always been that gentler side, that sensible side. And she makes of you see something in me that I never ever saw in myself, if I'm honest. And I think it's been just over two years of no drinking or soberity, should I say. and that peace and that happiness and that joy

started to grow and I wasn't ready I wasn't ready to be a role model really I was just ready to make I was just in a place where I just want to make things work in this most craziest way I can but it's all going to come together you know because look what I can do but I wasn't ready to be that sensible

that successful that role model to not just to my children but to just like the general public so to speak, you know. Yeah, I suppose you can relate to that as well as, you know, we're asking. Yeah. So your partner that you're with now, was she, you're with her before too when you're drinking? Yeah, yeah. Like she.

What'd she say? What would she say about all of it? We've got some good stories to tell. And I think now is like now, she's, would say like you're so much a better person, a stand-up person, a role model, easier to talk to, understandable. And yeah, I shared, she never understood, she never, I never shared moments of my childhood, experiences of my childhood with her until I was sober as well. So I think knowing that as well, a lot clicked for her. You could understand my behavior made a bit more sense of why,

why I was sort of the way I was going around being chaotic and yeah just yeah sad she's part of you yeah absolutely yeah it is she is very very proud of me and yeah you do need people that like like you don't it seems to be like you know those sort of angel type people that sort of will see the good in you you do need you know those people in your life so yeah it's nice to be at a a place in my life now where I'm at peace and where, you know, I'm giving back a lot with sort of community, give back to the community through like health and fitness and exercise. So, yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. It's a complete turnaround. And it's been quite difficult if I'm on a sort of accepting the more authentic me. You're much more vulnerable than I ever was. I would never go

back. Yeah. Walk us through the story. I mean, leading up to the day you quit. Oh, wow. So yeah, it was Thursday night, it was the date night. It was literally just a day, a night and evening for me to just drink as much as I could. It was like a, I would work from home on a Friday. So I knew if I go out on a Thursday with my partner, I just drink like heavily. And I drank so heavily and just I was just horrible. I was drinking out and then I come home when I was drinking. And I was just, remember just being really, really sad and horrible and abusive,

really, verbally abusive to my partner and to my children. I was just in a really deep place. And I was doing that most every other Thursday. And it just got to a point I was just drinking heavily on my own on the sofa until I had just blacked out. knowing that I didn't have to go to work on a Friday. And yeah, the sort of the abuse as well to like my children and my partner just, it got too much. It got, I was embarrassed.

I was embarrassed of like turning into something that I said I'd never would turn into. And again, like, you know, not to mention my child, I witnessed domestic abuse as a young man. And I was scared of that man who committed to the domestic abuse. mystic abuse. I was scared of turning into that man. And I was, you know, I was there, basically. And my partner was like, you know, you sort of, you're going to have to stop. And for some reason, I went up to New Year's Eve. It's like, I'm going to drink as much again. I'm going to drink. I'm going to drink. It's Christmas. How much do we drink around Christmas and New Year's? Like, it's like the perfect time to escape, isn't it? Of all the, the,

responsibilities of a man and, you know, presents you have to put underneath the tree. So it was a perfect time for me to drown my sorrows. And, yeah, the New Year's Day, I didn't say much. And that was my last sort of drink. I drank it away. It was, yeah, it was a, and that was it. It was a moment of realisation who the man I was turning into, which was, you know, I could abuse me, but I wasn't ever really prepared to abuse people like my real close family

or my partner really. So, yeah, it got to that point for me, really, Brad. Yeah. Thanks for sharing that too, man. You know, it's interesting to even kind of circle all the way back. You hear, I hear a lot of people, they grow up and they see stuff around them, right? And then you kind of make this commitment, I think, internally. we say, you know what, I just never want to be like that, whatever it is, right? And then, you know,

sometimes people share too. They circle back and realize that one thing or whatever impacted them in such a negative way that they could be headed right in that direction, you know, if they don't look under the hood and see what is actually going on. You know, so in that moment, so what do you do? I mean, your first day, you just, I'm done drinking? I mean, you make it sound, you make it sound so so simple there Paul I white knuckled man I was oh dear like the first three months Jesus

like it was I was like I couldn't sleep I couldn't really talk I was in I was in a hole I just white knuckled it I just said that's it I'm not going to drink why like why would you why did that approach feel comfortable

for you or did you decide that way I've always been active you know into a healthy lifestyle. So I knew, like, you know, if I go to the gym, if I occupied my brain with walking and going to the gym, that should be fine.

Then, like, that's where my life sort of turned and I found peace. I started walking a lot. I've done quite a few trail walks over the two years, you know, a few mountains, you know, I think Mount Snowden, Scapple Pike, three peaks trail, a lot of walking.

Something I wouldn't have ever have done before, so very. Yeah. So you, but you did find, You did find it a little bit challenging in some sense to just do the white knuckling version of things. Yeah. I wouldn't advise it, you know, but I'm all in nothing. There's no way I would have been like, okay, I can drink adult like or, you know, what's the word moderately? I don't know. Moderately is just not in my vocabulary. It's just never going to happen. Yeah. But maybe to get some support too from other people, you know, whether it be, it sounds like you did get an account.

at some point. And there's some support and some help from other people. Yeah. But I think when you get to the point where you got, where I got, where people, I mean, if moderation would have worked for us, we never would be on the podcast. Like we would have just carried on with life and moderately drank and whatever. Had way more fun times than disastrous times and we would have just carried on. But I think it's when you go through, especially you drank for way longer and I drank when you go through all of that, I mean, if it would have worked. It would have worked a long time ago if that was in the cards. Yeah, I think the start of that, you know, I was trying to educate myself, what's going to work. Do I need to listen to podcast? Do I need to go for walks? Do I need to go into nature? Like nature is huge for spirituality, isn't it? So, you know, there was a lot of healing that needed to be done.

And, you know, that's where I stumbled across your podcast. And I've been listening to it for two years. I don't think I can't imagine I've missed an effort. I've listened to every, you know, whether I'm driving in a car, wherever I was in bed at night, anything to sort of help me distract away from the romanticising of the alcohol.

And yes, I do. I still do romanticise about alcohol. Of course I do. I'm a human being. But I managed to find out my sobriot. I managed to find a I Am Soba group platform where a few of us are meeting up in a few weeks

and trail in a mountain as well. Oh, nice. So, yeah, there's been, like groups and support, a support system was crucial. I didn't just whineknuckle it on my own, don't get me wrong. I started as well,

which was weekly. And that sort of turned into, other, that turned into, like going back into my childhood and sort of revisiting that. But I initially started it for the sobri to try and stay off the alcohol

because it was like, oh, you could try counselling. it was also mentioned. So, yeah, there's a lot of support systems going on in the background. Yeah, and it really sounds like, too, I mean, you're doing a lot of stuff. You've done a lot of stuff, but it's like reaching out for help and getting support and building some new connections because I think that's where people can get stuck. And I think that this will hit home for you, especially because when you're used to that chaotic

lifestyle, you take out the drinking, the chaos slowly fades away. Life can feel really boring. Like, whoa, what do I do now? Where's all of the highs and lows? I'm off the roller coaster ride. So finding some other people. And plus, it sounds like, too, I mean, a big party you're drinking at the end. It sounds like anyway was at home.

But before that it was connecting, it was going out. It was the social element of it too. You have to find a replacement for that. You can't. Maybe I haven't heard that from you yet. But I think for most people, you can't be hanging out with all of the same people that expect you to show up as the heavy drinker party guy. you know, two years into this thing,

but creating some new connections with people and just doing things a little bit different, doing your walking, doing your hiking, mountains, like that stuff's cool, man. Yeah, those people, those groups that I used to hang about, hang about with are no longer. And, you know, it's just my journey, it's my life, isn't it? And, you know, I'm trying to find connections in other ways,

you know, I'm an avid boxing coach. And, you know, I give a lot of my time, my free time to being a boxing coach and helping youngans and senior adults, you know, live a healthy lifestyle. I've reached out to the church as well, you know, spirituality is sort of an important part of my life as well. And I think, you know, realistically, like you say, it's just connections, like just different connections I'm looking for, you know.

I'm looking for a different type of connection. And that works for me now, you know, where I sort of don't have to put. up any sort of barriers or any fences or anything between, you know, or be defensive. So I can try and be as authentic as possible, really. Yeah. What, I'm so curious, too. I mean, with sort of that element, too, of being authentic and listening to the show for two years, which is cool.

Thank you so much for, for listening along. What sparked to you with the idea? Because this, to me, I get the sense that this is not what you do normally. This might be a little bit out of your wheelhouse or your comfort zone. What inspired you to reach out and be willing to share your story with countless people online? So, okay, so yeah, like I said, I've watched a lot of the podcast, audio, audio version, obviously. Now you've moved over to YouTube, and that's me being defensive again. We're going around the answer.

But I think for me, yeah, so for me now where I am, I feel like that I'm not the only one and not the only man. Sort of, they've suffered and gone through quite a lot and used alcohol as a tool for my suffering. So, yeah, I guess it would be relatable. and I wanted to just sort of show that people that, you know, you can be brave, you know, you can share. Sharing is more important to me than anything else, any money in the world, you know, if I can't share my knowledge or share what I think might be relatable with people, then, yeah, it sort of doesn't, it wouldn't sit with me very well.

So, yeah, I think, yeah, it was just a moment. where I thought, you know, there's a lot of people on your podcast that have come and shared and been brave. And, yeah, like I said, I've been listening to a few years and felt like, yeah, it was a done thing to do, really in my sort of standards and my morals to life at the moment. Yeah, beautiful, man. I love that. It's such a cool, full circle moment, too, to have people who listen to the show that

come on and join. I mean, hitting towards wrapping up here, Paul, what is something you can take from? your sobriety journey, life, you know, something in general, if you want to, that has really helped you out that you can share with others that might be struggling to get or stay sober. I would say, again, just share. Try and share with people close to you, what you're going through. And, you know, I don't like the idea of this number, counting down numbers, I'm 800 days, I'm 600 days.

Like, there's countless times where I've said, you know, I've done dry October and lasted a week. And, of course, I tried to be sober, you know. I tried a few days and I wasn't ready for that, the adverse effects of sobering. And just jump back on. But I tried, you know, so, you know, whether you're your first time, your seven-four, your seven-hundredth time, like, just keep trying and share, share those moments with people because you'd be really, really surprised how relatable they are. you're not going through it on your own. But yeah, I think that's what I would take from it all.

Yeah, just keep showing up, man. Keep getting back up. Well, it's so interesting too, right? Because on that thought, I mean, I think there's a lot of people to where they try and maybe they don't achieve their goal. Like, I think that that is a reality for so many people and it might take a couple of goes at things or they might still be up in that mix.

But I hear your story and I've heard so many others. I mean, you woke up that day. I mean, it wasn't like you were weeks in the making of like I'm getting sober. It doesn't sound that way anyway. You know, it sounds like this is the direction you were going. You had tried some things. And then, you know, for whatever reason. I mean, that first day, that January 1, I mean, did you think this would work out?

Like, were you that convinced? Or were you just like, I'm just giving this a go? No, I was like, I need to stop. Honestly, I was getting to a point where I was just really spiteful and angry and really, like, quite very. and it must be of alcohol. And it was taking me less to get there. Like, I happened to drink much.

It was like, okay. And I was, and I had some real, I had some like near death experiences like during, before that, not going back, you know,

seven years, eight years ago, I really died from blood poisoning. And I still, that still wasn't enough for me to be like, I'm going to stop drinking. It really took me to, like,

to realize, hang on, I'm turning into something, this monster that I, was never going to turn into. There's something I saw as a child, you know, that I didn't ever want to experience anyone else seeing me be that way or have anyone else experience that.

So no, it was like, I need to, this is it for me. Like I said, I tried so many times to just be dry January and dry November and, you know, doing dry, growing a moustache for October or November. I was, like, dried all of it. It was just, it was, you know, it was all sort of a fan. really like it was never going to work that way so again like i think they always say isn't it like you won't quit until you really want to quit and i i believe that it wholeheartedly but again the support that i had the support system that i put in place and help along the way absolutely

yeah i think you're right i mean it you're not going to do it it's just like anything else in life you know i mean we're not humans we're not going to do stuff we don't want to to do they were not interested in um well thank you again paul so much for jumping on and sharing your story anything for closing oh no just honestly bad thank you for um for having me on your show i think your show is amazing um i'm on the platform as well which is also equally amazing maybe slightly different time zone going on i don't know what time it is for you but it's seven o'clock anyway half eight in the evening for me, so there's not too much of a, but it's a good time. But no, just big thanks to you, really.

Like, honestly, yeah, what you're doing is amazing. And, you know, you're reaching out to so many people. And, yeah, with your journey and your story as well, which is a pretty crazy one as well. So, no, honestly, that's, off to you, really. And thanks for having me on your show. Yeah, of course, Paul. Thanks so much. Huge shout out to Paul for jumping on here and sharing his story.

So incredible just to have a regular dude, you know, come on the podcast. Share his story, nervous in the beginning, settled in, I think, towards midway, towards the end. But it's not an easy thing to do. So huge shout out to Paul. I'll drop his contact information down on the show notes of this episode. Let me know your thoughts on the comments on Spotify and YouTube. And make sure that you're following the show wherever you listen, Spotify, Apple, or YouTube. This is a good indicator to the platforms that this is a good show.

an interesting show, and they'll show it to more people. Help us grow the audience and hopefully help somebody out there. Let them know that there's another way. Paul really hit the nail on the head of how denial plays into all of this. Even with the life he was living very turbulent at times, not really connecting the dots to alcohol being the problem or the main problem in his life and thinking he was always going to be able to figure it out or it would be something that would just go away.

And I think for most stories, at least here on the podcast, for all of them, that's not the case. Maybe there are some people out there to where there's a transition in life and they move on from alcohol, but it's not one we hear, but it's not one we hear around here very often. So thank you, as always for listening and I'll see you on the next one.