Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - He Was Dying From Alcohol but Still Couldn’t Stop Drinking | Alcohol Addiction Story

Episode Date: October 11, 2026

What happens when you’re told you might only have weeks to live, but you’re still not ready to stop drinking?For Tom, what started as weekend partying eventually became a daily dependence on nearly 30 ounces of vodka. He was drinking from the moment he woke up until he passed out at night, all while trying to keep his struggles hidden from the people closest to him.After a devastating car accident, multiple hospital stays, and a diagnosis of end-stage liver cirrhosis, Tom was faced with a terrifying reality. Even after doctors warned him that he could die within weeks, the thought of giving up alcohol still felt impossible.Today, Tom is approaching five years sober. He joins the Sober Motivation Podcast to share what finally changed, how he found hope through recovery and community, and what life looks like on the other side of addiction.A powerful story about alcoholism, the fear of getting sober, and finding a way forward when you’ve nearly given up hope.Sober Motivation App on Apple App Store HERESober Motivation App on Google Play Store HERESober Motivation Website: https://www.sobermotivation.comSupport the Podcast: https://buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivationContact me anytime: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

How's it going, everyone, Brad here. I want to share with you the Sober Motivation app. The app is a space to connect with others on a similar journey. Track your Sober Days, Journal, join live meetings, explore challenges, and be a part of a supportive sober community. You'll even find lots of familiar faces from the podcast hanging out in there. I would love for you to come and check us out, available on the Apple App Store, Google Play Store,

or check out Sobermotivation.com, and I'll see you on a call soon. Now let's get to today's episode. So they rushed me in the back and I was met with a team of like doctors and nurses and they were ripping off my clothes and hooked me up to all this stuff. And I'll never forget seeing like the panic in their faces. And it, it scared the shit out of me. And all this crazy shit is going through my head like, like, oh man, like what's happened?

I'm dying. Those five years I was drinking from the moment I got up until I passed out at night. Today on the podcast, I sat down with Tom, who spent years hiding, how bad his drinking had become. What started his weekend partying eventually turned into nearly 30 ounces of vodka every day. After a devastating car accident, multiple hospital stays, and a diagnosis of liver cirrhosis, Tom was running out of chances. But this is also a story of hope. And he's here to share how he found a way out when he couldn't see one for himself. And this is Tom's story on the Supermotivation podcast. With over 300 stories heard here on the podcast, 16 years of recovery

myself, 15 years working with other people, I've picked up on a trend. And it's probably no secret to anybody who's been around this for a bit. What keeps people drinking for longer than they want to is the desire to do it alone. That is exactly why I created the Sober Motivation app, a community that meets you exactly where you're at. Inside of the Sober Motivation app, we host daily peer support calls to help you achieve your goal of sobriety or keep you on track. An incredible place to meet other people, create connections, build relationships, and so many other tools. If you're tired of doing it alone and always ending up with the same result, give it a try. Head over to your favorite app store or click the link below and I'll see you on a call soon.

Now let's get the Tom's story. Welcome back to another episode of the Subur Motivation podcast. Today we've got avid listener, Tom with us. Tom, how are you? Doing good, Brad. How are you? Yeah, man. I'm happy to connect, dude.

Yeah, me too. I mean, this is pretty cool for me. I listen to your podcast every night. So I think it was a Jacob's story that I listened to about a week and a half ago. And that was when I kind of reached out to you. I had a very similar story to him. And yeah, hopefully just to get the message out there. So what was it like for you growing up? Growing up for me, you know, I had a very good childhood. I grew up in Sarni, Ontario, Canada, and three brothers. Both my parents had good jobs. They both worked. in Chemical Valley up here. So my dad was an operator. Mom was a business analyst and they're very loving, supporting. And I had a good relationship with my brothers as well. We're all,

you know, very close and still to this day, we're very close. And yeah, growing up, alcohol was always around, but my parents, they made their own beer and wine and stuff. And, you know, they were, they would let loose on like vacation or if there's a event going on the weekend. But, you know what, they were pretty responsible people. But, yeah, I guess the obsession with it started early for me because, you know, I seen like when people were drinking how much fun they were having. And even before I had my first drink, I was always something that I wanted to try. So, yeah.

Yeah, sort of the, maybe that right of passage or growing up or seeing how people were letting loose a little bit. Any other memories from kind of growing up that you feel are important, relevant to the story? Yeah, I guess like a lot of us, I had a lot of insecurities growing up, you know, people pleasing was a big thing of mine. I really cared that everyone around me liked me. You know, that was always very important to me. And when that didn't happen, I didn't, I never handled it very well. And as I got older, you know, like, and looking back at it, I mean, a lot of this stuff

is easy to see when you look back at it now. but, you know, I had tons of friends, lots of people that liked me. And, you know, I, like, I really couldn't complain. And, you know, that's just a fact of life that you're not always going to see eye to eye with people. But, you know, I had a hard time accepting that, I guess, growing up. Yeah. Some people talk about, too, which I relate to as being in a crowded room, but still feeling alone. Like, even having a big group of friends, but maybe still feeling something was different.

or something was off, having a hard time maybe connecting. Yeah, thanks for sharing that too, man. How did you do in school? About average, I guess, you know. I really think if I put a little bit more effort in, I would have done well. But, you know, I kind of skated by, you know, and did just enough to kind of get through it. I mean, I did graduate high school. It took me an extra year to do it.

But, yeah, I skated around was mostly season Bs. and but especially later on in high school it really became more about the party and less about the education you know yeah when did you start drinking uh the first time i i really let loose like i had had a sip of beer here and there growing up but uh i'll never forget the first time that i really got tied one on was on new year's eve one year my oldest brother he was actually kicked out of the house at the time but he showed up when my parents were away with the bag and full of liquor and he had told us that

he had stole it from a bunch of kids down at the park and in reality what had happened was he had emptied my parents' liquor cabinet out and fed it all to us and I drink a good amount of Crown Royal that night and you know what I had an absolute blast and

obviously was not feeling very well the next day but you hear a lot of people say through that time in your life that you know oh I'm never drinking again and I never really had that, you know, I couldn't wait to find another opportunity to do that, right? And I think I was probably 13 to 14 years old at that time. And after that day, it started to become like a weekend thing. Again, you hear it all the time. It starts out as a weekend thing. And every week at school, I would look forward to the weekend for that reason, you know, and...

Yeah, eventually, eventually, you know, just like I progress from there, you know. Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Sunday, then now it starts creeping into Monday. And now, like, you're finding out that, you know, like, eventually beer isn't doing it for you anymore or whatever that that looks like for you. And, yeah, I just, you know, I go hard on the weekends. And then that was, and that was just, that was my kind of my focus. It's going back to the obsession, right? Yeah. And that's all in high school?

Is this still all in high school? You're drinking on the weekends and partying? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, towards the end of high school, that was, you know, it started to get creep into, like, during the weekend.

I actually remember one time in grade, the 12th grade, I had a presentation to do. And I was super nervous, you know, like standing up and talking in front of people. Like, I always felt like I was being judged. And I remember sitting in the parking lot with another buddy. and put back a six-pack before we went to class for our first period of the day. And it helped get me through it. Like, there was a lot of things that alcohol did for me that I felt like I couldn't do for myself when I was that age. Yeah.

What about other people around you? Like, they're drinking or they're hanging out with a lot of people drinking. You're not drinking alone or anything at this point, are you? No, no. At that point, you know, like my. group of friends, I would follow the people that were always down to party on the weekends. What I mean? Like, I didn't, the people that weren't doing that weren't people that I was really interested

in hanging it with. So, yeah, you know, it was a social thing at first, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Where do you go after high school? So after high school, I started working at the golf and curling club here. I went to college. I took this program, it's a C-PET program you take to become a process operator, which is what my dad did. And I got through the first semester, second semester. The school was

tough. The partying was a lot more appealing to me, and I eventually flunked out. And in the second semester, and when that happened, I took a full-time job at the curling club. And, uh, I did that. I was introduced to a whole new world of things. Anyone who's ever worked in the food and beverage industry, I'm sure they would understand that that's a pretty scary place to be when you struggle with drugs and alcohol. But again, like, I kind of found my niche there. I started out at the bottom there, worked my way up. Eventually, I went back to college and took culinary management there. I ended up working there for 13 years, and I started there as a dishwasher, and when I left, I was the executive sous chef.

So things were going pretty good for me for me there. I always thought that what was going to happen in my life and how that was going to play out was, I was going to, I worked under the same chef there for 10 of those years. And my thought was, I'm going to work here until my chef retires, and I'm going to take over as the chef. And I'm going to be the chef at the Sarnie Golf and Curling Club. and that's just how life is going to play out. And all it really took was one day our general manager retired, and I new guy came in. And in that business, a lot of times general manager will come in

and he'll want to shake things up, and that's exactly what he did. And we weren't part of his plan for the future. And most of us were let go, and it was a whole restructure of the thing. And I didn't handle that very well. It was a common thing in my life that when things didn't go the way that I thought they were going to,

It was just a complete breakdown. And things really escalated from there. And I was lucky that I had, like I had been in the business long enough that I had a good resume and good rapport with my old chef and stuff. So it was easy for me to find another job. But after a bit of research, what else was out there in that industry, I found out really quick that that that wasn't something that I wanted to do. It was very stressful, long hours, weekends, holidays. And at that point, I was raising a, starting to raise a family. And, and, yeah, I don't know how far you want me to go with that for now.

So you were a dad at this point, too. And is it on your radar in this stretch here that alcohol is ramping up or that you're leaning on drinking to check all of these boxes? Is that on the radar at all or no? At that point, kind of sort of, it was on the radar. Robert again, I had surrounded myself with people that were doing the same things that I was, right? And every time it was like in that business, right, you work a day and then you go out and you work hard and then you go out and party even harder. And then even family functions and stuff, I get together with my brothers and stuff and everyone always be having beers or whatever. And it was just, it was really just familiar, I guess, to me.

It was normal. I didn't understand at the time. Again, it's easy to look back at it now, but we would go out and sure, like, people would get, you know, just as ripped as I would. But when the night was over, the night was over for them. And when I would come home, like, the party just didn't stop. And I didn't really understand that, like, no one else was doing that. I always, it was always my mission. I had to make sure that I had enough reserves at home to keep the party going when I got home.

And, yeah, so they answer your question, it was kind of on my radar. I understood that I was maybe a little bit out of the norm. But in another sense, I thought that's what everyone else was doing too. Yeah. Isn't that interesting, though? Isn't that interesting with where you're at now? Because I hear that a lot. And it's so relatable that we believe and we think that everybody's doing this.

I remember I told myself that in college. I mean, everybody's blacking out. Everybody's being reckless. And now I'm like, no, dude, no, no, no, not everybody was doing that. But at the time, that's all we see, right? It's kind of like that quote maybe, show me your friends. I'll show you your future. It's like who we hang out with affects us so much and can have us believing that,

hey, this is just, this is just a thing everybody's doing? Is that surprise? Like, is it interesting for you at all too? Like, for me, it is looking back. Like, I truly believe that everybody was living the same way. Yeah, yeah, definitely. I mean, it's funny you say that saying, show me your friends. I've heard different versions of that, like, especially in recovery, something I tell my sponsors, or if I'm in doing service somewhere, I'll say, you know, you hang it with five morons,

guess what you're going to be? But in recovery, if you hang out with five good, like-minded people, guess what you're going to be, or five successful people, guess what you're going to be. But yeah, you know, and there's also the saying, like, alcoholism is the only disease. that tells you that you don't have the disease, right? Yeah. It's just, yeah, it's very, I don't, it's probably the same for you, but it's very easy to convince yourself that, that you're doing good. And you can tell yourself anything, you know, I go to work every day.

I take care of my, my, you know, parental responsibilities. I do this and this. So people who have a problem don't do those things. So I'm good. And that's, that's how, that's how it was for, for, for, for, long time until it wasn't, right? Yeah. Those are like some of the excuses, yeah, that we tell ourselves that a lot of people tell

themselves of how this hasn't happened, that hasn't happened. I'm still showing up to work. I'm still doing it. But I hear a lot of people when they reflect back, they're like, I mean, I was showing up to work, but 40% or 50% or 10% of my actual abilities now that I'm sober and realize a difference, anything change or any thoughts come to mind being a father too? Because I know some people are like, hey, you know, once I get there, I'm going to have a look at this and change things. Was that a speed bump at all or no?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, I definitely told myself that is when my daughter was born in 2007, it was time to put the partying aside and take care of my responsibilities, you know? Because you know what? Ever since I was a little kid, it was always a goal of mine to be as good of a father to my children as my father was to me. and but by then it kind of had a hold of me not to the extent that it eventually would but and I was fairly young when you know I was 24 years old when when we when I had my daughter and I just I wasn't ready to hang it up yet and again like like we just spoke about I didn't understand that it was a problem right you know the story with the progression of of my life was like alcohol for a long time was was always bad enough that it was screwing up my life on a daily basis,

but it never got to the point where I had to, like, any serious consequences to my actions. Like, I had never, I never had a DUI. I had never been arrested for anything. I never been hospitalized for anything. And I was still going to work every day and all that stuff. And so it was hard for me to see that it was a problem. And the thought of ever stopping and quitting, I thought I was going to lose everything, everything that I knew in life, right?

Because it was so familiar. And that's a big change. Changing everything about your life, like that scared the hell of me. And that's what kept me out for as long as I was. Like, yeah, that fear, that fear of change. And so I had a hard time getting honest with myself that I needed to make that change. Yeah. It's almost being comfortable with just how things are, even if there's.

You're not experiencing the DUI or getting the handcuffs slapped on you and jail and all of that. But it's like being comfortable even though there is consequences. I mean, drinking all the time. You just don't feel good. You know, there's all of those impacts too and telling ourselves we're going to cut back or we're going to slow down. I'm just going to have two at this party tonight so I don't embarrass myself or all of these different things. It just chips away at our confidence, our trust with ourselves, I think even our. our respect for ourselves, like, Brad, you can't even follow through with what you say you're

going to do in this area. That affects all areas of our life, I think, eventually. But you're right, man. I mean, I think that that is, like, one of the things that people fear most is, like, the identity crisis. Who will I be without this? I also have this other interesting perspective on it. And I don't know if you'll track with this at all.

It's kind of my own weird thing. I think that's part of it. I think the other part of it, too, that is, fearful, maybe in the subconscious level, is what if this does work out? What is my life going to look like? Because we know what it looks like day in and day out drinking. We know what to expect. I'll wake up, feel whatever. We know there's relief, potential relief at the end of the day or wherever. But what if I do this and all of it does work out? Like I think that scared me maybe even more than I realized because I didn't know how to live life on life's terms. I didn't

know how to live life without this crutch, without this escape, without a way to avoid and numb everything. Yeah, I can totally relate to that. That was, that was this one of the scariest things. It was like, what, who am I if I, if I stop? Who am I going to hang it with? What are people going to think, you know, that fear of judgment is, I think that's the biggest thing that keeps people from getting help to admit, to say it out loud to somebody. Like, I have a problem. and, uh, being a man growing up when I did, you're just supposed to man up and, and deal with it, you know, like, no one's going to feel sorry for me, you know, they're just going to tell me to deal with it. And, uh, I mean, I don't know, like, you were married at the time? Yeah, I got married,

married, married in 2010. Um, and, uh, my wife threw out this whole thing, was just been completely supportive and, and, but anytime it got brought up, I wasn't always the nicest person. And I, I had all the excuses in the world. And I think at some point, she just, she didn't know what to do with me, you know. Until the end, when she finally made a stand. And I'm so grateful that she did because I never would have done what I did if it wasn't for that. Some people have to be given an ultimatum and a scary one at that. Yeah.

That's not get there yet. We can't get there yet, though. Okay. What were some of the, I'm just thinking, Tom, somebody maybe comes across the show randomly and they're in the mix of things and they're not realizing that the excuses that they're making are excuses that maybe a lot of people relate to. What, like, what are you telling her? What are you telling people? What are you telling yourself? Like, what, what justification do you give yourself for continuing? A few things that stand out to me is,

for one, my job was very stressful or could be very stressful. That was one thing. When I was 19, my old man passed away on New Year's Day, and I was there for her. He had a heart attack. It was just my mom and I at the house. And whenever I share my story, I don't use that as an excuse of why I ended up the way I did. I was well on my way when that happened. But that was something that I used as excuse. That was like my go-to. whenever I was questioning about that as, oh, you haven't been through what I've been through, and this is how I deal with it. And there was all kinds of things. Or I'm not comparing myself to other people. That was not a thing I used to do with my wife, especially,

but other people too. So I'm not as bad as this person. Or, you know, there was always somebody that I could compare myself to that was abusing alcohol more than I was. So if I'm not that bad, then I don't have a problem. Yeah, that's such a, sorry to hear about your dad too, man. That's such an interesting take, though, to me because relatable, right? It's like, hey, yeah, John down the street, man.

I mean, he's really falling apart with the whole drinking thing. I mean, I'm not that bad. But I always wonder, too, why we don't sort of kind of compare ourselves to the people that aren't drinking. It's always like it's got to be the person who's drinking the most that we know. And it's like, yeah, like look at that. It's so much worse. But it's like we have people in our life, I'm sure, that aren't abusing alcohol.

And we don't say, hey, you know, this guy over here just has two beers per weekend. And yeah, mine looks way worse than that, but not as bit so interesting to me anyway. But it all makes sense, right? It's all just to keep kicking the can down the street. in one way or another so we don't have to face what's actually going on. Let's just kind of keep it going. Yeah. I mean, I would look at those people and think to myself,

well, how much fun is that guy having in his life? I mean, and yeah, probably a lot more than I was having. But that's another thing, too, man, is I don't know what it happens for each of us on individual basis, but there seems to come a time when a lot of people's journeys I pick up bond that we believe this idea that we can't have fun without drinking anymore. Like the fun is on the other side of drinking, go to a concert. Well, the concert is not going to be fun unless we're drinking. Go to a sporting event.

I was not going to be fun unless we're drinking. Barbecue, family outing. It's like fun is always, like the gatekeeper's alcohol funds on the other side as to where it's like now, wow, you know, I had it so mixed up. But it feels like somewhere along the line, it would cross over that of like, that's fun. And I think if we look back, I think it's pretty fair to say, geez, you know, maybe there was a little bit of fun. Sometimes we're fun. But like the big picture, man, the fun was gone a long time ago.

Right. Yeah, I agree with that 100%. Yeah, I mean, eventually it just, it just becomes so normal of what you do. And you can't imagine doing anything without it, like literally anything, you know. I found for me that as soon as I started crossing roads, I'll never do it here or I'll never do it there. Once you break that barrier and do it one time, and you said now that just quickly becomes something that you do now.

You know, and like you said, like going to a concert or going to a sporting event or something like that, it just went hand in hand with each other. And eventually you kind of make, you kind of like let it creep into other areas of your life where it never it never was a part of that but now it is and and uh yeah yeah what were you drinking at this time i was no stranger to anything really but uh for the most part especially my my last uh five to ten years was mostly vodka i switched to vodka i think when i when i was drinking in times when I shouldn't have been drinking,

I was under the impression that people have a hard time smelling vodka and this and that. And so that was when I made the switch. And then I found it just, it went down so easy. And it got me from where I was to where I wanted to be a lot quicker than beer or anything else would. And so, yeah, that was kind of my, I guess my drink of choice for the last little while. Yeah. how do things kind of look like for you? I think too, like losing that job and discovering or discovering what you want to do.

And what does that look like? Yeah. So when I left the golf course, I went and worked this other catering company. And I hated it. But I had to put food on the table and it was what it was. And it was around that time, I was maybe 30 or, yeah, coming up on 30 or so. And it was about that time when I started having a drink or two before work just to deal with how much I hated it. Plus, I was feeling like shit every morning because I would stay up all night drinking.

You actually said something in another episode that really related with me. It was like how some people that don't have, I like to call it this thing or whatever, they drink and they get tired or whatever. And for me, it gave just it would give me more energy, right? so I would start drinking at night. I'd be up too late. I wake up the morning. I'd feel like shit. I wouldn't want to go.

So, again, I would have a drink or two. And then once I did that once or twice, I just became something that I did now. And so the starting to get to that point where I would withdraw if I wouldn't have it, right? So anyways, that this job, I stuck it out there for a couple years. And it was around that time. It was like the first time.

where I thought maybe I do have a problem. But the first time I wanted to stop, it wasn't because I thought that I was getting very unhealthy. It was more for a financial reason. I was spending so much money on it, racking up credit cards. And so I went to my first AA meeting, and I didn't stay until the end. I went long enough to get one of the pamphlets to show my wife when I got home. But, yeah.

Eventually, when it was time to leave there, I even left that job and I went and worked at a bar and grill as a general manager there because I thought, I need to get out of the kitchen business. That's what I need to do. That's going to fix everything. So I took a job as a general manager at this bar and grill, and things just continued to progress. Now I'm working at a bar. Same thing. If I was going to quit, it was going to be, I had to do it myself. You know, I didn't want anyone else to know.

But that was just impossible. Anytime I had tried, I couldn't even make a day ever. So things just prolonged. And it wasn't like I wasn't making decent money and that I still had, we still had a house, house car and drove a new car and all that stuff. So like on the outside, things looked like I was doing pretty good. But internally, like it was, it was just, it was exhausting, really. Yeah. Did anybody know that you weren't doing well, like inside?

internally? I really kept a lot of that to myself. There were a few times where I had kind of broken down in front of my wife and my wife was more than happy to help me, help me quit. But it would always be one of those things that I'd wake up the next day and be like, no, I don't want to quit. That's too scary. And so I would just tell my wife, I would forget what I said last night. But yeah, as far as, you know, I really just kept everything in. I didn't want anybody to know. That scared me more than anything. Why?

Why didn't you want anybody to know? I know that I was struggling inside. Oh, just I would make me look weak. I felt like I was going to be judged. People were going to make me stop or slow down on the drinking. And those were all things that I didn't want. That would mean I would have to change everything again, like we spoke about earlier. So yeah, on the outside, I always made it a point to have people think that I just, I had it all together and that things were going well.

But, yeah. Were you drinking in the morning, too? You mentioned like before work, like, is that where it got with the vodka? I know a lot of people share that I have to experience once the withdrawal symptoms kick in, right, to take the edge off of that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was. I was for all up until the end there. But it wasn't like I was getting trashed before I went to work.

I would find a way to have just enough just to take the edge off. And that would get me through the first half of the day. And then I would have something else for partway through the day. Again, just enough just to keep the edge off and get me through the day until I got home and then let loose when I get home. And that was kind of what my daily routine was for a long. long time. When you say a long time, like five years, 10 years? Well, I would say that probably started when I was 34, so about five years. I finally got clean at 39. So, yeah, about five years. I was, five years, I was drinking from the moment I got up until I passed out that night.

What's going through your head as sort of this is, I mean, progressive over time, obviously, right? I mean, you're drinking on the weekends and party in high school. Now at 34 through this stretch, you find yourself here. Like, what does, what goes through your head is sort of, man, I've got myself in a spot here where I need the alcohol. And I think that's a common story too for people who kind of hit this stage, right? It's not getting drunk. It's not binge drinking in the morning, but it's finding out how can I sort of get to my baseline and not experience withdrawal symptoms. but what's going through your head?

Yeah. I mean, I knew it wasn't sustainable. What's going through my head? I was basically, it felt like I was in survival mode. Yeah. I knew a lot of the times I was doing stuff that I shouldn't have been doing. But, yeah, I mean, what was the alternative is what I was looking at. When the alternative was I would have to admit to someone that it's out of control.

Like, I finally got myself in a situation that I didn't know how to get myself out of. And yeah, it was, it was scary. It was scary the whole time. But again, but the alcohol helped with that. When I was feeling any kind of remorse or grief or shame or anything like that, what was the solution for that? It was more alcohol, right? I always felt better. And I knew when I would get those feelings that those feelings will go away once I get home and get to kind of wind down and let loose a little bit.

And so it was just kind of like, yeah, like I said, it was just like I got to survive another day until I can get home. And that will take everything will take care of itself then. Yeah. That makes any sense to you. Yeah, of course. Is anybody picking up on like the volume of what you're drinking or are you just kind of hiding things or? Yeah. For a long time, I was pretty good at hiding things.

Like I would always always make sure I bought like the same brand, right? and I knew like a 26er of polar ice would fit perfect in the glove compartment of my car, right? So I would have one in there. And after a night of, if I would drink heavier than I normally would, I could kind of go grab that, top up my existing bottle to make it look like I wasn't. You know what? People did start to catch on around that time. I remember one time specifically the LCBO were contemplating going on strike and closing for that time.

I mean, that was, you know, for an alcoholic, that's a pretty scary time. I remember I was picking up liquor for the bar I was working at, and I bought myself a case of vodka. And I had told the guys that I worked with, like, oh, yeah, you know, I bought a case for myself in case the LCBO closed and da-da-da-da-da. Well, it wasn't like two weeks later, the guys are going out after work, and I had told them, I said, oh, I just got to run into the LCBO and get a bottle, and then I'll meet you guys there at the bar.

whatever. And the one guy said, holy shit, Tom, didn't you just buy a case of vodka a couple weeks ago? And it was kind of like, oh, no. People are going to know, people are going to find out that I'm drinking

insane amount of alcohol. And that was a scary moment, right? Once people started to find out, again, it was always that fear is if people know, then people are going to make me do something about it. And that scared me the most.

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I've got to say that's a first time. I don't know if anybody's been on the show that bought a case at one time. No. I think that's the first. And at that point, too, like, do you feel like you're losing track of how much you're drinking?

Oh, for sure. For sure. I mean, like, every other week when it was Blue Box Week, like, I was embarrassed to put my blue box out. I'd have two blue boxes and they both just be full of empty bottles of vodka. There was times where I would fill up a garbage bag and go take it somewhere myself just so people wouldn't see. So no, the answer your question, like I didn't really keep track,

but I knew roughly about on a work night how much I needed to get me through the night and how much I would need on a weekend. Like if I was coming home from work, I needed to have at least a 26th, sounds bottle at home for when I got home that night or that afternoon or whatever, any less than that wasn't going to get me through the night. So I knew that that was, I was roughly going through about 30 ounces of vodka a day through the work week anyway, which looking back, it's insanity. But that was, but well, I had just normalized that. And again, able to convince myself, there's like, oh, I'm not the only one that does this. This guy at work, he probably

parties too. He probably does the same thing. Yeah. And were the weekends more? Was it more or less? Oh, for sure. For sure. On a Saturday morning when I got up, if I knew I had responsibilities to do that day, I would get up and I would get run around town and get everything done that I needed to get done. So I didn't have to be in my vehicle for the rest of the day. And then it was just, it was just go time. You know, if I didn't have anywhere else to be, that's for sure. And not that I didn't drink if I had somewhere else that had to be, but I would maybe be a little bit more careful of how I would pace myself. Again, going back to I would drink just enough, just to consider I could kind of still stay with it, but not lose control at the same time. Yeah, that's the thing, man. I noticed that a lot with drinkers, man, Saturday morning, they get out. Wait when the store opens and get the chores done, pat themselves on the back.

I'm getting after it. But the real reason is to open up the rest of the day for drinking, right? But it's like in those moments, it's like, yeah, you know, I'm early riser, man. I'm really getting after it here and getting boxes checked here. But the bigger picture, the zoom out is let's free up anything afternoon, right? Because we know how that's going to go. Yeah, man, thanks for sharing all this too, dude. Like, obviously from where you were is like you don't want anybody to know.

It's going to be devastating for your life. And now here you are, like, just sharing so openly. And it's not everybody's situation, but, you know, here. But there will be a lot of people who listen, I think, man, that can relate to this story or living here or have lived here. And the thing is, I mean, you let me know. I mean, it's your quest here. But you don't really realize that it's going to end up here when you're in the mix, right? Go back about 10 years.

I don't think anybody sets out and says, what, like one day, I'll be. waking up to a shot when we're just partying on the weekends? Or did you have a foreshadow foresight of, man, how tough this was going to be? Oh, no, I never thought that I would get to that point. I mean, I had never seen anyone get to that. I guess my grandfather, he struggled with alcohol too. But other than I, I never really met anyone who had needed to drink in the morning or whatever. So at that point, when I started doing that, that was when it was like, okay, like, this isn't good, but what else am I to do?

And you talk about going out and getting all your daily responsibilities done getting after it, I think you said. But that was the same thing with trying to hide, like going to different LCBOs every day, just so people wouldn't start to catch on there, right? And in Sarnia here, there was, there's, I think, four different ones, so I would just go to a different one every day. but yeah, I lived somewhere else for a couple years where if you went to a different liquor store, you were driving like half hour, 40 minutes from the town, right? And that's what I had to do. Anything to, had to do whatever I could just to protect myself is how I felt, right? Again, like going into that survival mode.

It's a full-time job for you, Tom, at this point. And for a while. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to bed, you wake up and what do I have? Is it going to be enough? How am I going to get more?

Where do I hide it? And then towards the end of the night, like, do I have enough for tomorrow? Like, it's the first thing I thought of it when I woke up in the morning, the last thing I thought of it before I went to sleep at night. And, yeah, you're right, full-time job, exhausting job. And, man, what a load off it is today. holy smokes yeah so how yeah so how do things progress where does the the ultimatum fit in i mean i know there was some health stuff like walk us through sort of how this started to to appear okay so in my i guess early early to mid 30s i was waking up in the morning and i would feel like i was going

to be sick and so my daily morning routine would be get up go down the kitchen uh quietly make myself a drink, so no one would hear, and then I make my way to the backyard and find a quiet place back there, and no one could hear or see me, and I go get sick for about five to ten minutes, and I was just vomiting up this vial that was coming out of me. And I knew it wasn't good, but again, it was like, well, I was more concerned about someone finding me or catching me than actually doing anything about it. And that went on for a lot of years. That went on for at least a couple of years. And at that point when I was getting that sick,

I took another look at not quitting altogether, but trying to manage things and try to slow it down a bit, which I would later find it was completely impossible. But I took a real look at stopping it. And what I thought I had to do is, for one, I have to get out of the food and beverage industry. I have to all together. Two, I have to move to a different city.

I need new friends, new life. I need to go somewhere and start fresh, right? And because as time went on and it all went from getting sick in the morning to then I would get sick midday. And then again at night, and it was just, it was this, yeah, just nasty stuff coming out of me. So that's what I did. I quit my job. I sold my house. I moved up to somewhere two and a half hours away, started a job.

about a pharmaceutical plant. And yeah, I thought that that was going to fix everything, right? I'm going to get healthy again. I'm going to meet new friends. I'm going to slow down on my partying and all that stuff. And when I got there, it did the complete opposite. I got there. I didn't have anyone to be accountable to anymore.

Nobody knew who I was. I had all this money from selling my house. So it was just it was a free-for-all, right? I quickly started hanging out with all the same kind of people that I hung out with here. Um, started dabbling in some other kinds of stuff, too. Um, not that I had never done before, but it began, started to become, I guess, more regular, um, scary, scary spot to be. Um, and yeah, but be like work was still going well. They liked me there. Um, and, uh, but eventually, people eventually did start to catch on. And, and the, the first time, it became really noticeable was I was driving home down, um, Bruce Road,

20, it's an 80 kilometer highway driving home after work one day, and I woke up in an ambulance with no recollection what had happened. And I remember looking up, I seen two paramedics there, and I asked them, I said, oh, what happened? And they said, oh, you're in a car accident, you're on your way to the hospital, and we'll be there in about 10 minutes. And my first thought was, well, holy cow, did I hurt anybody? And they weren't allowed to tell me.

They said, oh, you're going to have to wait for the OPP to the police to arrive at the hospital, and they'll let you know. So anyways, I pulled up the hospital, and they go to get me off the stretcher, and I realize something was wrong. And this was, like, really the first time that I had taken on any consequences to my actions, right? And they would take me out the stretcher, and I realized that I had fractured two bones of my spine and a bone in my knee and obviously suffered a concussion with no recollection what had happened. And all that we've really put together is that I had a seizure on the drive home. And anyways, about an hour later, the cop showed up. And they told me, they said, no, Tom, the only person you hurt was yourself. But we thought for sure when we pulled out the person that car was dead,

we needed the jaws of life just to get you out of there. And it was like, holy smokes. And you'd think that that would have maybe opened up my eyes a little bit, but it really didn't. I just couldn't wait to get out of there. so I'd go home and have a drink. And when I left, the next day, I remember just being excited because they'd given me this big prescription for all these pain pills that I couldn't wait to go home and abuse, you know, because I wasn't a stranger to anything as long as it was going to help me get outside myself, right? I wouldn't have to look at myself in the mirror.

Any crazy story about that, too? You want to hear a story about insanity. I didn't realize it, but when you're in an accident like that, you have to go give a statement to the police of what had happened, right? And so a week later, I had an appointment at the police station. And I remember, like, thinking to myself, how the hell am I going to go sit in an office with two cops and explain to them that I wasn't drinking on my drive at home, whether it was from work or not, right? And so I remember telling myself, like, what, you can't have any alcohol that morning, but maybe double up on the pills that they gave you. maybe that'll take the edge off enough. And so I woke up that morning and that's what I did.

And, and it wasn't doing it. It wasn't enough. It wasn't helping me out. So I compromised with myself and one drink. And that turned into two, that turned into three. And then I'm freaking lit on my way to the OPP office to explain to two cops in an office that I wasn't drinking on my way home from work.

Just craziness, you know. But that's where that, you know, it gives you an idea where I was at in life is just, Yeah, it was, I, I didn't feel like I had a different option, you know? Yeah. Crazy. Did your family move with you too? Or was it just you?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, I moved up by myself for the first, like, two months until, like, my probation was over. And then my wife and kid moved up as well. Okay. So again, like, I'm making, I was making decisions like that without taking into consideration at all that that my wife would have.

to quit her job and find a new job, which ironically, I found her a job with a liquor store there, and my daughter was going to have to switch school. I didn't take any of that in consideration. I was so selfish to the point of it was just about me and what I had to do. And that's one of the things until I really started doing the work, that was one of my, a big regret of mine and something that I always felt so guilty for. Like, just, yeah, the amount of selfish, selfishness that we have when we're in this, it's just, it's scary, but it's, it's, it's almost like, not personal. It's just business, you know what I mean?

Like, I don't know, a better way to explain it, but yeah. Yeah, but it'll eat you up, man. It'll eat you up, especially when you're not doing anything to change course when you're still kind of doing the same stuff, right? I think on the other side, you get the opportunity, like you mentioned, to do the work. at, first things first stop the behavior or be aware of the behavior. But when we just keep rolling with it, it's like, man, it all builds up. It's, it's overwhelming, right?

It's like, man, I don't see a way out of this behavior or this way of life. Right. So did you talk with the cops and what they were happy with what you had mentioned? To be completely honest, I don't even remember it a whole lot. I don't remember the conversation. I kind of remember walking in there. So to this day, like, I'm just blowing away that I got away with all that Scott Free. Again, looking back, it's like maybe if I had some sort of consequence for me showing up there like that,

maybe just maybe things would have changed a little bit earlier in life, but they didn't. And eventually, I was saying, like that car accident kind of opened up a few people's eyes at work. And I started getting questioned. I eventually started getting questioned about it. People started to, like, smell it on me at work. And so I would get called into. to HR on almost a weekly basis and accused of this. And of course, it was just denied, deny, deny, and you can't prove anything.

And until eventually they just had had enough and they let me go. And that's the only time in my life I ever been like, oh, from a job. And I remember driving home thinking, like, what the hell am I going to do? Like, I'm unemployable. I can't stay sober for half an hour to sit through a job interview. like the hell am I going to do? I burned through most of the money that I had from selling my house. And yeah, so I did.

The only thing I could think of was I called my mom back home and told her that there was layoffs at work and I need we need somewhere to stay. Can we move in with you? And of course, my mom is just an incredible person. Has always just been there and done everything for us for me and my brothers. And of course she said yes, right? But when I got home, it was a big eye opener for my mom because I didn't realize at the time, but things had escalated twice as bad when I was down there without even realizing it.

And so when I came back, even though I was hiding stuff and thinking I was being real smooth about everything, the stuff that I was doing in the open was enough to cause concern for my family. She said something? Did your mom say something? Eventually, between my mom, my wife, and my younger brother, who I like to refer to as my younger big brother, he's just an incredible person. They kind of had an intervention with me. One day, we were home, I was home for maybe, I can't remember, maybe a month, and they tried to have an intervention with me. I mean, I obviously, I wasn't having any of it.

I tried to run away. I called them all hypocrites. I was pretty nasty to them. I didn't want to hear it. You know what I mean? I told them it wasn't as bad as they thought it was. Inside, I knew it was. But admitting it was just saying it out loud was impossible for me to do it at that time.

So, yeah, anyways, I actually had a conversation with my brother about that about two weeks ago, and he said that he actually felt like a bit of a hippoccur. hypocrite, even though my brothers, they have a few beers here and there. And eventually, every once in a while, maybe let loose, but they certainly weren't consuming alcohol like I was, not even close. When did the, when does the health stuff start happening? Like, when do you start noticing that? So maybe a couple of weeks after that, it wasn't long. Again, nothing's really changed. I'm still in the, in finding a quiet place in my mom's backyard now to get sick every day. And then one, one day I go, out there and uh and i go to get sick and it wasn't uh this vial that was coming out of me

more it was just it was blood i remember getting sick and and this might sound nasty well it does sound nasty but it was like almost like coffee grains just like pouring out of me um and then i was sick about an hour later and it was red and it was there was blood in it and and i really i knew something was seriously wrong but again i thought my first thought was man i really have to cover this up or if someone finds it that I'm throwing out blood, they're really going to make me go get health. And I didn't want to do that, right? But I knew I wasn't, I wasn't that far off that I think I obviously knew something was seriously wrong. I remember Googling on my phone to figure out what it could possibly be. And everything that came up basically, like, kind of

told me, like, seek immediate medical attention. We might have a week to live. And, and, And I heard tell, like, my first thought was, well, how am I going to spend my last week on this earth? I didn't take into consideration that I believed in my wife and kid behind or nothing. It's just like, how do I want to do something fun in my last week here or what? So, again, I was still just hiding it. But then two days of that going on, it was, I was obviously losing blood every day, like every minute of the day. And I started passing it or in random places around the house. And I'd wake up and I'd be pissed myself.

And I just started to lose control of everything. And finally one day my mom let her dog out in the backyard to use the washroom. And she found this spot in the backyard and came back in the house with the beard full of it. And I eventually, I can think what else to do it. I fessed up to everything to my mom. And yeah, so she threw me in the car, raced me up to the hospital. I went to the emergency department. And I felt like I was going to be sick as soon as I walked in there.

So they gave me one of those clear bags that they tie around. years and I started immediately bombing up all this blood in this bag. So they rushed me in the back and I was met with a team of like doctors and nurses and they were ripping off my clothes and hook me up to all this stuff. And I'll never forget seeing like the panic in their faces. And it, it scared the shit out of me. And all this crazy shit is going through my head. Like, like, oh man, like what's happened? I'm dying. Like, I'm thinking like, oh, I'm like, how the fuck did I get here? Like, like, I had every opportunity growing up.

Now, like, my wife's going to marry someone else, and my daughter's going to grow up with a new, with a different dad and all this stuff. And I really started putting things in perspective. And I was like, holy smokes. It was crazy. And then they brought me upstairs to the ICU where I had my first blood transfusion. And I spent five days in the ICU. And that was the first time that I ever suffered through, like, the full.

alcohol withdrawal, which I didn't see coming. Like, I didn't, I didn't know that I thought only, like, hardcore drug addicts who used needles and stuff like that go through, like, the hallucinations and and all the stuff. Like, it was, sometimes when I was sharing my story, I say, I'll tell you what, the stuff I was seeing, but you probably wouldn't believe me. It was an intense experience for sure. Like, one morning I woke up and, uh, they had me handcuffed to the bed. I guess I had, uh, I thought I was somewhere else and, and I, I basically attacked. I used to, started ripping out my IVs. And so when the nurses went to stop me, I kind of got physical with the nurses.

So they brought security in. And then I got physical with security. And anyone who knows me knows I'm not like a violent person, right? So it was just, it was nuts, man. Wow, dude. So you're there for five days. When in the process do they mention, like, this is because of the drinking? Just about right away.

Yeah, just about right away. I mean, that was the first time where I kind of got half honest with them. And I told them, like, this is what's going on. But I wasn't 100% honest. Again, I was, I was embarrassed. But even with what I told them, they were like, holy shit. Like, this is a problem for you, you know, you need to stop, right? But, yeah, it wasn't until, like, it wasn't until my, well, basically, I was up there for five days.

and five days they released me and my mom came and picked me up and on the way home I asked her to stop at the liquor store. Like it was just, it was in deep. And I was just the insanity. I thought that maybe I can convince my mom that I'm better now and then I can manage it. But obviously my mom wasn't going to stop at the liquor store. But I remember thinking it was I had enough stuff hidden around the house that when I got home, I'd have enough when she goes out to pick up all my new prescriptions. I'll have time to hit this hard until she gets home.

And so she left, and sure enough, I went down to her laundry room where she kept all of her wine, and I popped a bottle of that and started slamming it. And that was when my daughter, who was 14 at the time, she kind of walked in and see me and burst into tears. And it was like, holy smokes. I thought at that moment, like, I'm supposed to care about this person more than anything else on the planet. and I choose this bottle over her every time. Like, what the hell is wrong with me? But it didn't, still, I wasn't ready.

I wasn't ready to surrender. I just hid things as best as I could for the next week or two, and then nothing changes, if nothing changes. So I ended up acquiring ascites throughout my whole body. Just water retention, it was bad, looked like I was pregnant. I had what they called Barrett's esophagus, so I had varicose, all down my esophagus. That's where the blood was coming out. I had lost, or at least lost half of my, I had teeth, about eight teeth,

rotten away in my mouth from throwing up this vial for so many years. But I wasn't diagnosed with anything just yet, but eventually, the throwing up of blood started happening again. So again, it's boom, right back to the hospital, same process, same thing. only this time like when I remember them bringing me through this with an stretcher and and people remember still remember me by name and stuff and it was so embarrassing but at the end of that time a doctor came in and talked to me and just said you've got a decision to make buddy like I was diagnosed with end-stage

cirrhosa the liver and she just said you got a decision to make you either you you stop and you have a chance or you don't and you probably be dead in a week or two. And I still didn't, I still hadn't decided yet. And then they, they sent someone else in who was in this program that the hospital runs. It's a place called Ryan's house. And one of the workers from there came and talked to me and told me about this place. And it, it was fairly new. We've been around for like six, seven months. It's basically like, it's like a sober living place. And it helps get people on their, back on their feet for 30 days, stay there. And then helps people get set up for treatment or whatever else they may want to do. And anyways,

this girl came in and told me about it, and I was plate to her. I thanked her for coming to talk to me, but I said, oh, that doesn't sound like it's for me. And anyways, I got in the car when mom came and picked me up, and basically my wife had a plan to leave, and I had a feeling that my stay wasn't going to be welcome at my mom's for much longer, and they really wanted me to go to this place. And my thoughts were fine. I'll go there and prove to you guys. guys that I'm too far gone and like this isn't this isn't going to help me but but there was a 40 day

wait to get in so I basically sweated it out on my mom's couch 40 days and fear basically fear motivated me to stay clean but what um without without any kind of program or anything in my life like if that's what's what getting clean is like then I wasn't interested in doing it because that was it was just pure torture right but but eventually in that 40 days I I wasn't I wasn't drinking. I think I've been like two weeks and I hadn't had a drink. But all the symptoms came back again from before, right? So I started throwing up blood again and it was in and they had to send me in an ambulance this time and then and then nobody believed me, right? It's like the boy who cried wolf, right? Because at this point, yeah, I was actually being honest. I haven't had anything to drink

in a couple weeks. But of course, no one's going to believe you because you've been lying for the last fucking 30 years of your life. So anyways, but I got three. through it, man. I got through it and then eventually I got the call on, I think it was December 3rd, 2021, that there was a bed available. So I went and had to spend a couple days up in the detox there, which I didn't even know existed then. Like, I knew nothing about where or how to find help. But in the first night, I was the detox. Two people got kicked out for using fentanyl in the room. And it was like an eye opener. It's like, holy shit, what kind of whirl in my coming into? But I don't know, I've been talking for a while, maybe I'll.

Yeah, so your wife sort of had a let you like this ultimatum in one way or another. It sounds like, it sounds like everybody, which I think, I mean, with time, man, even the greatest people, like, it's a hard thing to, to be in the mix with, right? Like, to keep going through this and through this and through this. And then you went to, you show up at this place, you do the detox. I mean, so when did you quit? Was it the two weeks before going or before going to this one? Yeah, I hadn't had anything since that two weeks before still to this day.

Wow. But I didn't know. I mean, the original goal was just to be able to, I'm going to go take this program and then do whatever I have to do just to be able to manage it was what I thought my original goal was going to be, even when I showed up at this facility. And at this place, when you're there, they have like every night of the, the week someone from a different fellowship comes in and they kind of do what we're doing here, right? They kind of share their story. And because when I walked in there, it was like,

I walked in, I was the 12th person. It holds 12 people. And I found it real quick like, man, like I don't know how to deal like, like I was physically and socially dependent on alcohol, right? And I didn't know how to talk to it. And it was scary, right? So I kind of just kept it myself, but then people from these fellowships started coming in. And I remember one day in particular that this guy came in and he was sharing a story. And it was like, everything he was saying was like how I felt my whole life, but I never heard anyone else say it out loud before. And it was like, kind of like what this podcast is. You can hear that it's not so looking out there.

And not really like that was my first, I guess, glimpse of hope. and I started taking things serious. And a piece of advice he left me with was, if you're going to be here for 30 days, make the most of it. You know, you got no other responsibilities. You got nothing else to concern yourself with except yourself and what you've got to do about your problem, right? And so I did, man, and things started to feel a little bit better.

I was participating in everything. I found my love for cooking again. I was there over Christmas, so like on Christmas Day, like I made a big turkey dinner for everybody and we all sat around the table and it was pretty cool. And I started to get like really like into it. What I mean? Like with me, my obsessive behavior, like once I get my mindset on something, I just immediately become, if it's enjoyable for me, I become obsessed with it like easily. Right.

And now this kind of became my obsession. So I got a sponsor and this and that. And I just started doing everything that he told me to do. So the one thing he told me to do was because the day you get out, go to a meeting, the day of. Because if you don't go, the day you get out, you're not going to go. And so I did. I got out on Sunday in the morning, and there was a meeting. I knew where it was.

It was at 12 o'clock, so I showed up there. And again, I walk into a room with 40 people. And I don't know anyone. I'm scared, right? And a guy gives me a hug on the way in, introduced himself. That guy is one of my best friends. today. And I welcomed me, and I sat at my first meeting,

and I heard a bunch of people sharing, and it was like, it was crazy. It was crazy. Like, you could tell when I walked in, they were, like, everyone kind of knew each other. And it was a, like, it's a fellowship, right? And it almost seemed like everyone was using everyone. I was so happy.

It was like, holy cow, it's like, yeah, man, like, I want that. So, yeah, I left that meeting and told my sponsor, and he said, I want you to do 90 of those. it was in 90 days and I wasn't doing anything else so I was like yeah sure so anyways that's that's where it all started I guess yeah wow dude where did you go but did you get back with everybody like when you left was everybody like come and live with mom or yeah yeah I went back and I stayed with my mom um and uh and yeah I just I just started going started going to meetings every day um started like my sponsor told me, get involved, man.

That's the way to do it. Start building those relationships. And anyone who's just starting out or whatever, like, that's some of the best advice you can get is those connections you make and those relationships. That's what got me through. And that's what keeps me clean today. For sure. So that's what I did, man.

If people were going for coffee, I would invite myself. If people were going bowling, like I hate bowling. But people were going, then I was going. And I found out like there's life's not over. Like there's all kinds of fun stuff that you can do. And it turns out that when you're not blowing all your money on alcohol and drugs all the time, that you can actually afford to go do some fun stuff, right? So yeah, I just kept it simple.

That was the advice that was given to me. It was just keep it simple, do the things. Eventually, after I did my 90 meetings and 90 days, I got in and I started working some step work. and I worked this 12-step program. And that was something that I wasn't interested in doing right off the bat. I didn't understand it. And the way things turned out is it's the best thing I've personally done for my recovery.

And I think before my two-year mark, two-year mark, I finished. And I remember someone else from the fellowship said to me, because you're supposed to have a spiritual awakening, right? And he asked me, said, did you have a spiritual awakening when you finished? And I said, well, I don't know about that. but that was the first time in a long time that I had seen something through from start to finish. And that was a really good feeling. And that gave me the confidence that I could accomplish anything that I put my mind to now.

And I continue to get involved in stuff. Like the people that came into Ryan's house where I stayed and spoke, I ended up joining the committee that puts on those meetings or whatever and ended up taking over the schedule as a scheduler position to. And so now I go in there all the time and show. share my story and I make the schedule for the week for everyone, all the volunteers to go in. And yeah, just staying involved, staying involved. Like getting involved with the recovery community is just, there's nothing like it.

There's nothing like being able to sit down with a group of guys and just be 100% honest with them. No bull crap, no saying stuff to pump your own tires. And you just be completely honest with someone and they're going to be completely honest with you. And yeah, it's just there's nothing else like it. Yeah, man. And that was five years ago in one week, right? Yeah, I'll have five years a week from now. Yeah, we're actually my five years.

Okay. Yeah, good, man. Wow, dude. What a ride, man. What a ride that a lot of twists and turns for you and to get to. there and make the changes. What does your daughter think? What does your wife think? What is your mom think? Everyone's pretty happy. My wife and I, we talk about it all the time. She was excited for me to do this today. And our relationship's never been better. Oh, man, we just, we just enjoy each other's

company so much. And it was, it was never like it is today. Never. And yeah, like, like, Like when I got clean, it was almost like starting the relationship over again. You know what I mean? It felt fresh like we were kids again. And my daughter's doing very well. I mean, she's very supportive of all this. And of course, she's happy. Like, it wasn't easy for anybody in my family to watch me go through that, right?

So just see how happy I am today and everyone else. And my mom is so proud. And when you get clean, you really have to do it for yourself. but that is a thing. But the effects that it makes on and all your loved ones is just, it's just out of this world. That's all anyone wants for you, right? When it comes to like making amends to people,

and I've always said like the best amends that you can make to anybody is just a living amends or they don't have to be worried for you all the time. And they're happy, you're happy, right? And that's one less thing that I have to be concerned with today. That's one of the things that I'm free from today. And it's a great feeling. Yeah. Yeah, it really is, man.

It's just interesting, too, how you go from the secrecy, not wanting to share, worried about how that's going to look like for people to judgment or what are they going to think and they'll have to actually do something to be open here. And it sounds like in other ways in your community, in really embracing sort of this as part of your life. now and maybe sharing it to hopefully help somebody else that maybe feels all alone. Like I think that's an incredible shift.

Yeah, well, I mean, that's just part of it, eh, Brad? Like, like at some point, you stop giving a shit what other people think. You know what? I'm happy. I'm not, I used, I was before I got into recovery, man. I was embarrassed about it. I was. I really was.

Now I think recovery is so cool. Like one thing I did, I did consider before doing this was, like, like breaking my animity on the internet or whatever. But again, you said it. I mean, if this is going to help even one person, then it's worth doing. And I think, like, all those years that I was struggling and wondering, like, what step do I even take if I wanted to get clean or whatever? I think if I had something like this, like what you're doing, if I had something like a tool like this to use, then I think it would have helped, right? So, yeah, I know it sounds weird that something that I work so hard to hide.

Now it's out in the open, but I enjoy doing it. And continuing to share your story and say things out loud, you know, that helps keep you clean too, because it doesn't help you get to, or it helps you not get, I guess, so complacent in life, which is easy to do. And especially when you start getting things back in your life, like, I find when you start getting busy in life and you require this back and you have this going on, you have this. Recovery seems to be the first thing to go with a lot of people and understanding that recovery always has to come first. You know what I mean? I heard someone say at a meeting one

time that what I did yesterday doesn't keep me clean for tomorrow. And that really sunk in with me. So yeah, because without this, then I don't have anything in my life, right? And it can quickly make that turn, especially with alcohol. You go to a restaurant, it's in your face. You go get gas, go to the gas station, it's right there. You know, you go to the convenience store. It's right there, you know what I mean? So I know that, I know for sure that I have to stay diligent and stay in touch the recovery community in order to keep what I have.

And I have a great life today. Yeah. You make a really good point there to being complacent. Usually, it's interesting. I think people think, oh, I'm going to drink again because things aren't going well, which that is a true story. I think a lot of people drink because things are going so well. it's like okay this is different things are going well um yeah i can make sense of it now i'm at a

different place i'm at a different place now tom in my life and i know better now um it'll catch up with it'll catch up with you but it's it's it's just recovery it's like we can convince ourselves that we're so far along we no longer need to do what we did when we first started it's an interesting thing we probably could do a whole show on how it plays out you've been around for a bit too So you've seen it probably different environments that you're with, right, come and go. And I think everybody that kind of comes back, they do kind of connect the dots. Hey, I was going to see my therapist. I was attending meetings.

I was doing all of these things. And my life was good. But then I got busy. And I stopped doing all those things. And then it sort of fell off a little bit. Thank you so much, man, for jumping on here, dude, reaching out, listening to the show, of course. And sharing your story. and man, great job.

Thanks, Brad. Yeah, this has been great.