Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Heather Lowe hit her alcohol ”rock bottom” on Memorial Day 2018 and knew she had to get sober by any means necessary.

Episode Date: May 29, 2023

Heather knew alcohol was a serious problem in her life and it got to the point where she knew it would kill her if she continued. Over many years, Heather was finding a way to make her relationship with alcohol work even though she knew it was a problem. Growing up in Wisconsin where alcohol always seemed to be flowing. It was no surprise to Heather she would later struggle with alcohol after having her first drink at 12 years old. Heather has been sober since February 18/ 2018 and this is Heather’s story on the sober motivation podcast.  ------------ Check out Heather on Instagram Check out Heather's Top 12 Secrets to Sober Success Check out Sober Motivation on Instagram  Download the SoberBuddy App More information on SoberLink

Welcome back to season two of the Subur Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. Heather knew alcohol was a serious problem in her life, and it got to a point where she knew it would kill her if she continued. Over many years, Heather was finding a way to make her relationship with alcohol work. even though she knew it was a serious problem. Growing up in Wisconsin, where alcohol always seemed to be flowing in,

it was no surprise to Heather she would later struggle with alcohol after having her first drink at 12 years old. Heather has been sober since February 18, 2018, and this is her story on the Sober Motivation podcast. The Sober Buddy app. This community is one of the most supportive I've ever seen. Starting with the meeting hosts who lead with support, kindness, and understanding, when someone falls, the community rallies to help support and encourage.

People from all different countries who show up as strangers leave as friends. It is a true example of community and connection. What makes sober buddies special is everyone is working on the same mission to get another day sober so we can live our best lives and to provide a safe place so no one feels they have to do it alone. Check out the app today or head over to your sober buddy.com and come and join us for some of our live support groups. It's hard to find the motivation to get sober when you're in the trenches of addiction. It's easy to say I'll stop tomorrow or I'll cut back tonight.

What's harder is putting action behind those words. That's why I've teamed up with Soberlink. Soberlink's remote alcohol monitoring system was specifically designed to help in your recovery, not just some breathalyzer you buy at the store. small enough to fit in your pocket and discreet enough to use in public. Soberlink devices combine facial recognition, tamper detection, and real-time results so friends and family know instantly that you're sober and working towards your recovery goals. Visit Soberlink.com slash recover to sign up and receive $50 off your device. Are you a loved one struggling with alcoholism or substance use disorder?

Palm Beach Recovery Centers can help. Their inpatient medical detox and residential facility provides personalized treatment to help you get back on track. Their experienced staff is here to support you every step of the way. For more information, visit their website, palm beach recovery centers.com. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. We've got my friend Heather with us today. Heather, how are you? Woo, good, good, Fred.

Thanks for having me. Yeah, of course. Yeah, it's been long overdue for us to jump up. on here and share your story. So I'm excited for it. Me too. I'm super, super thrilled to be here. Thank you for the opportunity. And thank you for all you do for the sober community. I know you host meetings and you have a podcast and you're like a Roy Kent from Ted Lassau. Like you're here, you're there, you're everywhere. And you do so much. And it is so appreciated. And I don't know if your audience knows this, but you're also a great mentor to other sober creators and leaders in the

sober space behind the scenes. So I appreciate you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much. So how we start every episode is no secret. What was it like for you growing up? Holy moly. Started off with a bang, right? So I was born and was, well, I love to start with this. My parents met in a beer attend.

Where else? So looking back, it's like, who wouldn't I be to have an alcohol problem? Of course, I had an alcohol problem. I had everything going for me in that way. My parents had met in a bar. my parents divorced by the time I was two years old because my dad was, I would say quote unquote, like an alcoholic, had an alcohol problem. He was a bartender.

And I say he took his work home with him. My parents divorced. I was in small town, Wisconsin. So I had culture environment in Wisconsin is such a huge drinking culture. I mean, their baseball team, the brewers is named after beer. There is more bars than grocery stores or churches. Everybody drinks. I don't think anyone questions it.

or that is the way it was in the 70s when I grew up. And it was part of every church gathering. It was part of every family gathering. It was expected right of passage in early adulthood and high school and college. I think all the Wisconsin schools always win party schools for college, you know, the award for the biggest drinkers. So I had the environment. I had that childhood trauma of a divorce in my family at a young age.

and I had parents that were drinkers. Of course, that's how I grew up. My dad actually quit drinking by the time I was five years old, but my mom also, she loved her beer, you know, and it didn't look the same for her, but it was just part of everything I did. So I grew up in that kind of culture. I had my first drink when I was 12 years old, which seems so young to me now, but I downed a bush flight because I was mad at my mom about something.

And yeah, and so from there, I would sneak drinks whenever I could. Me and a friend would visit her dad on the weekends who was divorced, and we would drink his liquor and fill his bottles with water, all the classic things that kids do. Through high school, I was a party girl. I had a party girl reputation, much like my dad. I was proud of that, personal, fun, party girl, extroverted outgoing, friendly, happy. I drank beer from kegs.

in barns and fields and anywhere I could and I loved it. I'm college. I went to college. I had a fake ID. I now got to go into bars. I wasn't in the fields and the barn or the fields in the barns anymore. I actually got to go into bars and clubs. And I met my husband in a bar in college as well.

So I knew my drinking. It wasn't always a problem, but it was always a little different. like I wanted to go out every single night all the time. I had major fomo. I didn't want to miss out on a thing. And the bars would have specials for peanut night or picture $3 picture night or whatever it was. And I wanted to be there for all of it. I wanted to chase boys.

I wanted to hang out with my friends. I wanted to dance. And I never wanted to say no. And I never wanted to go home. When the end of the night would come, I would want an after party. I would want a pre-party party, party after party. party. I wanted all of it. And in fact, looking back in my journals, I've kept journals my whole life because I like to write, I can see when I was 21 years old, legal drinking age, I wrote that I was

scared I was an alcoholic. It would be 21 more years before I would quit drinking. But I always had that little seed planted of. I like this a little bit more than everybody else. So that was my, that was my growing up years, party, party animal. Having a good time, alcohol didn't always look like a problem to me at that point. It just looked like a really extroverted, friendly, outgoing, pretty girl. Yeah, I mean, I can relate that too for partying and stuff fitting in. It was so hard for me growing up, fitting in with people and being connected for people. So when I went into, when I, when I was drinking, I was able to feel like I had a purpose. And it wasn't always a disaster. It was like, really was like, it really was weird to say it. But it really was a lot.

of fun, not even tell it wasn't, right? Yeah. Yeah, always. Exactly. I will say the irony is, my degree is in social work. And in college, I actually worked at a halfway house for criminal women that abused drugs and alcohol. And I worked the midnight to 8 a.m. shift. So sometimes I would go out with my friends at 9 or 10 o'clock at night and not drink. I would just drink water because I had to go show up to work at midnight. And those nights, I also had a ton of fun, but maybe even better because I felt like I had an edge to me because I wasn't drinking, right? Like I had my wits about me.

I was clean. I wasn't stumbling or slurry or any of those things. I felt like I had more confidence with boys. I didn't feel so desperate or begging. And so I had a glimpse, even way back when, about what it would be like to be outgoing, be social, want a party and not include. include alcohol as bad. Yeah, wow, that's incredible. So what happens after college? Yeah, so my husband and I moved from Wisconsin to Chicago. He loved the Chicago Bears. I'm sorry about that. I'm sure there's

a lot of groans out there. Don't worry, his family has Packers season tickets. And I loved Oprah. So it felt like it would be the perfect place for us. And we've got a job at this company, which was sort of like the college after college, because it hired a bunch of new grads. So this was cool because now we were making a salary. We were working a salary. We were working. and we had a little more money. So we were living that young urban professional life outside of the big city, Chicago. And we were going to happy hours and we were going to sporting events and we were going to concerts and dinners. And we were drinking, but we were drinking in cooler places and we were drinking better drinks. And again, we were meeting friends and having a lot of fun in this college

after college, young urban professional kind of living. And then I got pregnant with our first daughter and I didn't drink during the pregnancy. But as soon as she was born, I was thrilled to switch kind of from beer to wine and have a little bit of wine. Even in the afternoon, when I was home on my maternity leave, it felt very European. It felt very grown up.

It was like, I mean, I was thrilled to have a baby. I wanted to be a mom. It's the one thing I totally wanted in my life. And so it was almost like I was playing house, right? And here I was now the sophisticated mom with my baby. and a little bit of wine in the afternoon. I had a second daughter. Same thing.

I didn't drink during my pregnancy, but as soon as she was born, you know, I could sip a little wine once in a while. And at the same time, my husband and I chose together that I would stay home part-time. I thought it was important to be there for my kids. And I thought at such a young age,

they needed a mom, and I was their mom, and they had just come from my body, and I was breastfeeding and all that stuff. So in order to keep our lifestyle and things we wanted, my husband traveled a lot for work. So I was home alone and I also had a job and I was also home with the kids. So this was a lot. I think a lot of moms can relate to this long nights of working and then doing the dinner time, bath time, bedtime, bedtime with little ones and no support. I was lonely and I was used to going out. Like I said, I was a party girl. I was an extrovert

and now I was stuck at home with two little ones and a husband who was off to, traveling. And now my husband, who's also pretty social and outgoing, he was going to private concerts and he was in Vegas and for private parties and bottle service and private shows and all this stuff. He was drinking and living the highlight and I was then drinking at home. And so trying to be responsible or perhaps, you know, having play dates with other moms and other kids and drinking with the kids next to me. So it didn't feel fair to me that he got a break. He got an actual break from parenting and he could go be an adult and drink.

But I didn't have any space in my life to be an adult. So I tried to drink with the kids next and be a mom, do it at the same time, do both of those things, which was a challenge. And I probably created some resentment. And it was just a challenging time as it is raising little ones and having a job. When my, I was still managing it, making it all look good on the outside. And I was noticing that my intake was increasing. But again, I had always been a drinker.

So it wasn't necessarily room for concern. It was just now I was drinking alone versus going out or drinking at home versus going out. When my little one went to kindergarten, I had an opportunity to take a whole time job. And it was a big job. I had a people like probably about 10 people that reported to me. It was in the city. so it was a big commute. And so it was very long days.

And I thought with my little one going to kindergarten, it was time for me to take a leap in my career to start to grow my career a little, which is also something that I had always wanted to do. Well, my dad passed away during my interview process without warning. And I thought not taking that job would be like using my dad's death as an excuse to hold me back. And I really didn't want that. So I took this job.

which immediately wasn't right for me. I ended up breaking my leg in January in Chicago by falling on the ice after my first week on the job. So I had to hobble to this job with a broken leg on public transportation in the middle of icy winter in Chicago. And it was just a comedy of airs. Within the next two years, two friends of mine would die. Again, without warning, people that were my age, leaving children. And I did all three physiologies in three years. and this is where my drinking shifted from the drinking I had done growing up or the more normalized,

regular Wisconsin drinking to self-medication. I didn't let myself feel the grief that I felt for those deaths because I had to give the eulogies and I wanted to do a really good job. I wanted to really keep it together and make myself and everybody and mostly my loved one that had passed, like so proud by being able to share words about their lives. life to their loved ones. So I stuffed down my feelings. And by the time those services were over, I told myself to get over it. Like it was done and get over it and stop feeling. You don't get to feel. And my emotions were so intense. I've always been like a very intense, emotional kind of person.

My mom loves to share that I, that I'm an EQ genius, that I'm emotional quotient genius, but I've taken the test. It's like one of her kids is a very high IQ. She's always like, Heather has a very high EQ. But what that means is, yeah, I feel intensely and I felt these deaths intensely, but I just stuffed it. And obviously, now I know that the stuffing creates the suffering. And I just drank. I drank and I drank and I drank and I drank on the couch alone after my kids went to bed. And one bottle turned into two and then more. And every other day turned into every day. And it was escalating and gaining speed very, very quickly. I was so confused. My mental health. I was depressed. I was anxious. I was waking up hating myself every day, just pulling

myself through the day till I could get to my glass of wine and promising every day that I wasn't going to do that again. And of course, stopping to pick up some wine at the end of every day. Yeah. Wow, a lot to unpack there. How, like, how long would you say that cycle went on for? I would say probably, that was probably three years. Yeah. Worth of like tumbling, getting worse, getting worse. Pretty soon I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. I was so bloated and I was so exhausted. I was so tired, literally pulling myself through the day. My husband and I were so disconnected because of course he was mad at me, maybe. I don't know. I didn't have the guts to ask. I was saying things the next day that I had already said the night before. He was confused. He thought I was drinking too much,

but he knows better than to tell me what to do, of course. Like my whole life I've told him, don't tell me what to do. And also, I was getting up and making lunches and cleaning the floor and going to work. So I was very high functioning. I was doing all the duties. I was getting out of bed. I was showing up. And this is how most of my clients are, were like overfunctioning.

Perfectionists, people pleasers, hiding that we have this problem and probably overhiding. You know, I was overfunctioning in every way because of my guilt and shame about my dream. But I really didn't know any other way. So eventually, I broke down and I called a therapist from my company. Well, I quit that job, by the way, and got another one that I also hated. So I quit that job, and I got another one that I also hated. I was just desperately seeking something in my career, some balance in my life. And I broke down and I called the company's employee assistance program.

and in this panic, anxiety attack that I needed a therapist. And it was like, okay, fill out these forms and we'll talk to you in two weeks. It's like, here I was in this like what I thought emergency situation. And it was like it would be weeks before I would actually be sitting in someone's office. So I sat in someone's office and I had asked for somebody who had a substance use background and training. And I said, I have a drinking problem. I am drinking too much.

It's out of control. I cried. I shared. my story and she said, no, I didn't have a drinking problem. That I wasn't really harming my kids. I wasn't drinking while driving. What I had was an anxiety problem. So she prescribed anxiety meds for me and said that I could keep drinking. She literally said, try to hide it from the kids. So maybe drink in my closet. Maybe I have a big bonus room for a closet. She said, I could drink in my closet, but not drink in front of the kids. And then that would be fine, which didn't sound right to me,

but I was thrilled that I could keep drinking. A professional substance use person told me I could keep drinking. And so I did. Well, what happened is you're really not supposed to drink on this medication. So drinking and taking this medication turned me into a walking blackout on more than one occasion. And it was actually, it's funny, we're recording this right before Memorial Day. Memorial Day, I would say, was my rock bottom. I was having a long weekend of drinking with friends and family for days and days and days,

day drinking. That's what holiday weekends were for. And I blacked out and then passed out in the middle of the day in front of my family. And it was incredibly embarrassing. We ended up leaving. I sat in the far back seat holding my dog because my entire family was giving me the silent treatment sitting in the front seats. We drove two and a half hours home. And when I got home, I wanted a glass of wine. My husband was going to lose his mind at me. for creating the scene and coming home and still wanting more wine. When I woke up the next day, my husband and my mom wanted to check me into rehab. I didn't want to be bothered by them.

I just wanted to keep sleeping. I really didn't care. These are the two people that I care more about in my whole life than anybody. They're my two top supports and they were pleading with me. And I honestly didn't give a shit. I felt like, wow, even for me, you know, like that this medication, was having me feel nothing, first of all, when I was used to feeling so much. And also that I still wasn't ready to let go of alcohol, even after it created all this chaos.

And it was pulling me down. I feel like it's quicksand. But it's slow and it's gradual and it tricks you and it's sneaky, right? There's not an exact line that you cross that says, now this is too much. Now this is not. It's like yesterday I got up and made lunches, so it was okay. today I passed out and now it's not okay. And I was defensive and angry.

Yeah, that must have been confusing though. I'm just thinking about the whole situation where you go and see the therapist and you're, I mean, you're sharing your story and you're just looking. Maybe you're looking for that one person to be like, hey, this is a problem. You need to do something about it.

It's serious right now. And the feedback you get, which over here, I'm blowing my mind a bit, Heather, to be honest with you about, you know, drinking the clock.

I mean that or away from the kids like that just seems like I think now looking back we can see like red flag with that so that must have been confusing but you know Heather I've heard similar stories to this of people mentioning it to maybe their parents or maybe their friends and they're like oh they're like no I mean it's I don't see anything it's interesting right yeah and I think maybe it's an old fashion belief that we hit a rock bottom and that that that involves cops and lawyers and a diagnosis or a family cut off or something like that. And that until that happens, we could keep drinking. And for me, it was a series of like, you know, death by a thousand paper cuts or whatever.

It was like a series of decisions and disappointments and situations. And also, lawyers were not involved and doctors were not involved. I didn't have the diagnosis, which I do believe was right around the corner for me if I didn't quit. But I didn't have that. But waking up miserable and hating yourself every day, that's enough. That is enough reason to quit drinking. You don't need anything more than that. And you also don't need a therapist to tell you or not tell you.

Now, I know there's a lot of really good therapists. I think this one was clearly not the right one. for me and she did a disservice i think she was probably looking for harm reduction that sort of a harm reduction sort of strategy so if the biggest problem was the kids were noticing just stay away from the kids but truly um it's healthy for everybody to let go of alcohol and we know that i did do a series of sober experiments so after like three years of like quickly escalating drinking getting worse then i did three years of sober experiments drinking and not drinking I started with Bell tired of thinking about drinking's 100 day challenge.

And I made it to 70 days. And I thought I was cured. Hallelujah. If I can quit drinking, then I don't have to quit drinking, right? Like the sober experiment, the goal was like to prove that I didn't, that if I could do it, then I didn't really have to do it. Of course, I started drinking and of course it escalated. And then for three years, I continued to do these things, one time even going five months without drinking. and then getting to Mexico and having a welcome drink that it could have tequila or not tequila.

I chose not tequila. There was a mistake. It had tequila. You can imagine how that story ended. I had the wine, not going to bring it home just in the other country. Of course, I brought it home and all of that. So I was quitting drinking not to quit for good or be sober or anything like that. I always say my worst case scenario was dying from alcohol.

My second worst case scenario was getting sober. Like it was definitely not something I wanted. It was not something familiar to me. It seemed really sad. I only knew two sober people in the world in my life. And one was my dad who quit drinking and used all these other patterns and behaviors, you know, that hadn't really healed some of the main issue. And the other was my godmother, my aunt. And she, it felt like was living sad and deprived without it.

You know, like she got her hand slapped and then had to sit in the corner at every party because she couldn't. And I certainly didn't want to live a sad and deprived life. So I was just taking these breaks so that I could learn to moderate my alcohol intake and I could learn to be a normal drinker and all those things that I think we all originally started wanting or thought would be the goal. But what happened was through these sober experiments, I started to feel proud of myself. I started to recognize the discomfort and the disease that I had inside of me. and I started to learn to take care of myself without alcohol.

And that seed that was planted, that relationship from me to me that I really never had because from such a young age, 12, I just jumped ship on any discomfort with alcohol because it was always there. I couldn't deny that that felt really good. It felt really good to start to take care of myself, even though this was a private and lonely journey when my head hit the pillow at night, I didn't hate myself. And when I woke up in the morning, I didn't hate myself. And the absence of that self-hatred started to fuel the desire to maybe continue down a path more like this. Yeah. No, I love that where the seed was planted

before kind of that that big decision in a sense, right? I wanted to touch on one thing before we move forward here is this high functioning aspect of your life that you mentioned, right? Because I mean, I see the high functioning too. It can be a red flag, you know, looking back, right? Are you covering all the bases like over and above? And there's a lot of people that I've cross pass with and I continue to cross pass with that it's like I'm showing up to work. I'm working overtime.

I'm here. I'm there. I'm doing all of this stuff. Why, Heather, why do I need to make any changes? You know, I mean, a lot of these people too, you see, and like you mentioned in your stuff, like they might be doing more stuff than maybe people. who aren't struggling with this, you know, and I think it's definitely compensating for something, but how were you able to get through maybe the denial there if there was, like about, this can't

be that, that can't be that big of a problem. Like, look at, I'm showing up. I'm checking all the boxes here. Mm-hmm. I don't think I overcame in until I did it. I think I'm still overcoming that because I was very defensive. I was very, very defensive. So I get asked all the time, like, how can somebody help a loved one?

And I'm like, I don't know. You have to talk to my husband because I was the person with the problem. And I was mad at him no matter what he did or said, right? Like I was just resentful and defensive. I didn't. Wine was my best friend and my only coping tool. And I couldn't feel good without it at the end. I needed it to feel good.

It's not to feel good, to not feel bad. Right? Like it stopped feeling. good, but at least stop the withdrawal of feeling bad. And at least stopped my overthinking about self-hatred. It gave a pause on my very, very self-in-old, loud, loud, inner critic. It shut that up just a little bit. And that is what I needed because I was beating myself up all day long.

And, yeah, the exhaustion of hide the wine bottles and hide that you're getting wine and hide that you've already had wine before you're having more wine. and make dinner and clean it up and be mad at your whole family, but also be serving them like it's your top job and ignore your own feelings and just demand yourself like a robot to march through the day doing all the things that you have to do so nobody can call you wrong, right, on anything. And I thought the problem was my marriage. To be honest, I thought the problem was my husband, not doing enough and me doing everything. So I just drink to put up with it all. And I can see, so I was the first child of divorce in both of my families and people pleasing and being perfect was, I decided to do that at a very young age to keep everybody

happy. So everybody would know my dad is okay and my mom is okay because look at me, I'm perfect, right? I will be sweet and kind to you and polite and adorable to you and everybody will know that everybody is okay because I desperately needed everything to be okay. So that is what I learned at two years old, three years old, four years, five years old. That's how I was behaving. And that's what I continued through my whole life. Don't have anybody mad at me, right?

Keep everybody else happy. Micromanage everything around you and all the people and all the emotions and make, you know, like as if I controlled all those things. I felt like it was my responsibility. So do all that and then secretly, silently, poor alcohol and yourself at night because that's a lot to manage, right? Yes, my goodness, Heather, is it ever a lot? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I'm wondering, too, though, with you mentioned about like the inner critic because I think that's a fairly common thing for people who struggle with alcohol.

When did when does that start? I mean, was that around like that same time as when you started the, you know, the people pleasing stuff or like? Yeah. Yeah. So I remember I even have like my kindergarten assessment. I actually still have it. And I was adamant about I didn't have sharp enough crayons to color in the lines. And how could I use these crappy broken crayons and do my best work to keep my perfect coloring in the lines? So I know that it was from a very young age that I really did want things to be perfect. And I wanted myself to be perfect. Right. Yeah, I think it was always there. And it wasn't until after I got sober that I could start to address those things too. And alcohol is a great way to jump ship on yourself. It's a great way to abandon yourself. And so like in high school, I would show up to upper classmen parties that I maybe was or

wasn't invited to. And what better way to stop your discomfort than to just immediately get a drink, right? Like it's uncomfortable to walk into a party. It's uncomfortable to fear judgment of others. and does somebody like you or not like you? And the whole high school social crowd can be tough. So if I drank, it eased that, you know, instead of telling myself to be perfect and demanding myself to be a certain way,

if you pour alcohol on it, it just kind of like softens those edges. And it softened the edges from me to me, too, in my internal world, a very demanding and sets in voice, right, telling me that I wasn't good enough or wasn't right enough all the time. It added some static to that. So it wasn't, I didn't hear it so clearly. And that was a really good relief.

Now I know that if you have to drink alcohol to be in a situation, it's probably not a good situation for you. If you have to drink to tolerate something, it might mean that your insights are telling you this isn't the place for you. And as a sober person, I don't have to fit into places I don't belong anymore. I can just not go. Right. Yeah.

Yes, the power of choice, right? I love that. So, okay, so not to catch back up to where we were at before this. And that's incredible, too, because I think that that's something that a lot of people struggle with too is that a sense of belonging. You want to feel like you belong somewhere and it can be really uncomfortable at times. And the alcohol is a good way to, you know, like you said, soften the edges type thing. So you had three years and then you started to get into these experiments.

I think that's what you called them where you were getting days. Yes, 70 days. And the seed was getting planted about you were starting to experience some of the benefits, right, feeling better, waking up and not hating yourself every day. Where do we go from there? I was laid off from a job. So I was totally miserable. And now I could drink more. I didn't have anything to wake up for the next day.

I mean, I could get the kids off to school and go back to bed or whatever. So I was in a period of drinking and my not drinking, not drinking. My husband and I went out to dinner and I was thinking we were so disconnected. You know, I was thinking we would be able to reconnect over the table, you know, over dinner, a special date at a fancy place, just him and I. And as we started talking, I just felt so much distance from him. And eventually he said point blank that the alcohol wasn't helping me. And so I left my wine glass there, half full.

I was mad. and we left. We went to bed. And I was like, I have to quit drinking. And I have to quit drinking for good. And I don't know if it will save my marriage, but I have to quit drinking with or without my marriage. There's no way forward for me with alcohol.

I can't keep it in mind. I have to give this a really good try. And if this doesn't work, then I have to find more support and resources than I do have to look at a rehab or leaving my family or whatever, whatever needs to happen because it's not working. I just think I realize it's not working and it's not going to work. And I don't know if sobriety will work either, but I have to give it a try. I have to give it a good try.

So I went to bad, mad as hell. And I woke up the next day and I said to my husband, do you have a second? and he said, I'm getting on a call. Can we talk when it's done? And I said, no, I need a minute right now. And I fell to my knees and I cried. And I said, I have to quit. And I need your help. Can you not drink with me for the first few weeks? And he was so happy to have some direction and how to help me because he didn't know either. He was just as confused as I was. Right. And so that surrender, the need help and the like, this is for good and this is for whatever it takes and I'm going to throw the kitchen sink at it. I'm willing all those things I didn't want to have to do, all those labels I didn't want to have, all that way of being that I didn't want my second worst case scenario.

It was like it had to be that because I was headed towards the first. Alcohol would have killed me and it would have killed me quickly and I know that. I know by the way it was escalating at the end. And I drank for 30 years. I drank for 30 years and it wasn't a problem necessarily. I mean, I don't think it was helping me necessarily, but it was definitely a solution before it was a problem. But in those last few years, added with my grief and anxiety and my mental health,

it had hijacked my brain and I was on a one track, fast track to ending my life, ruining my life and ending my life. To be honest, my husband was scared I was going to fall down the stairs, you know, when I would stumble up. and it was starting to get ugly. And so I was willing to throw the kitchen sink at it to quit. I was willing to say I need help after I had just, you know, for years preach, don't tell me what to do.

And my husband was thrilled with some guidance and direction and how to help. That was February 18th, 2018. And I haven't looked back one by one day by day. I started to build this life. And it has been the best surprise of my life. sobriety is beautiful. It is so beautiful. It is freedom from a cage.

And you know I was a big drinker by how freaking thrilled I am to be sober. Yeah. Wow. That's incredible. Huge, huge congrats on that too. Thank you. That day.

I just want to back up there for a second, though, because, you know, like you said you came to a spot there to where you just knew that this relationship wasn't really going to work out, right? Like it was going to end up taking you out. But it's almost this thing of where you have to try this madness of moderation, maybe to get to a place to where you've like tried. And then you have that understanding of like, I've tried X, Y, and Z and none of it's working out.

This is my only option left. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So like now as a sober coach, all of my clients start with me. And they all want to be the kind of person that has a. less of wine when they go to dinner. Everybody starts like that. Everybody wants that. I say yes, of course. And do I have to quit drinking for good? Like, do I have to be abstinent to work with you?

No, of course, right? But I will say you have to take a break from drinking to evaluate your drinking. Like, you can't evaluate your drinking while you're still drinking because of the way it affects your judgment, your mood, your decision making, your intuition, right? Like, it affects your brain. So you have to have a period of time not drinking in order to evaluate it. Maybe that's a day or a week or 30 days or 90 days or whatever, whatever you can do. You do have to take an absent break to evaluate it clearly. But the beautiful thing that happens is eventually you lose the desire to drink. Right. Like it's not that you stop wanting to drink. When you see it for what it is and you start to take care of yourself, you start to not want alcohol anymore.

So that's the surprise I think is that I love being sober. I want to be sober. I choose being sober every day. I'm not tempted to have a drink because I know what that brings me with full clarity. And that's not what I want. But at first, it's terrifying because how could I be a sober person? in a world and community and life that I had built around drinking. All my friends drink.

Everything I do is included with alcohol. I were somebody who wants connection and belonging, feedback, affirmation, so, so much, was going to lose friends and I knew it. And I did. You know, relationships were going to change. I was not going to fit in to places where if I kept drinking, I would, like, my puzzle piece shifted, being sober and I didn't fit in places anymore. And that's what kept me drinking for a long time because I was scared of the changes that that would mean.

And I was scared to lose relationships and I was scared to not fit in. And I was scared, you know, they say your new life is going to cost you your old one. And it's true. I'm sorry to say that terrifies anybody out there because it terrified me. I wanted everything to stay exactly the same and just have me not drink so much. But that's not the way it works. When I stopped drinking so much, I had to change my whole freaking life. And when you're letting go of one branch before you grab on to the next, it's a pretty

terrifying free fall there for a minute because you're afraid of losing everything you have built. I was. I could lose my marriage. You could lose my friendships. I could lose my family. You know, I had built a life around drinking. So what the hell was I going to do without it? I was terrified.

Yeah. No, that is definitely so real. Thanks for sharing that. I'm wondering you mentioned there about like there's there becomes a point where you lose the interest to drink alcohol. Can you pinpoint that for your story? Like was that 30 days, 60 days, 90, two days later? Yeah.

It's just like, I mean, it was the seed that was planted of like, I'm going to bed and I remember it. I'm waking up and I'm not punching myself in the face. So as a drinker, the first question I would ask myself every day would be how bad do I feel? a gauge of how hungover was I going to be that day. There was going to be some level and it could be mild or it could be horrific, but I was going to feel bad. Definitely. I was going to feel bad. But how bad? How much would I have to drag myself out of bed and through the day? And what were my remedies going to be? Was it so bad that

I couldn't even have my coffee, you know, or because my nausea was so bad? Or like, if I had a couple aspirin and a big glass of water, would I be able to pull through today? You know, but I was going to feel bad. Now I realize, is that the way you want to live your life? Like with the first question being, how bad do you feel today? That's a terrible way to live your life. That's how would you expect yourself to have a beautiful day? How would you be setting yourself up for success and joy and brilliance and shining bright in your life if the first thing you're going to ask yourself that morning is, how bad do I feel? You know, that's terrible. So that's alcohol.

That's alcohol that does that. And once I could see that, it was like, then alcohol has to go because it's not helping me. So am I itching, jumping out of my skin with irritation? Yes, definitely. Do I know how to take care of myself? No, because I never have. But I would journal and cry, get in my car and scream, walk around the block 12 times, talking to myself out loud like a crazy person.

I mean, figuring out whatever the hell I had to do to not drink, right? Putting myself in a bathtub, going to the gym on Saturday night alone because I had no friends and no plans. And didn't not know what else to do with myself, but wasn't going to drink when it's the one thing I wanted so, so bad to just ease this discomfort of being human. Yeah. Yeah, it's really hard. It is really hard to ditch the drink. But once you see alcohol for what it is, you kind of can't unknow what you know. And passing craving feels really good.

My confidence started to build. Yeah. What is alcohol? You mentioned it. We mentioned that if you see it for what it is. Like what? What do you see now? It's quick sand that hijacks your brain.

Yeah. It's just a sneaky, sticky escape hatch that pulls you down. And it takes you, it is self-abandonment. Yeah, I love that. And I don't want to abandon myself anymore. So even though I have feelings of discomfort, I'm not jumping ship on me. And you know what? My feelings of discomfort are there for a reason, because maybe this isn't the place for me.

Maybe these aren't the people for me. Maybe I don't have to try so hard to fit in somewhere where I'm never going to be long because I'm not meant to belong there. I stopped blaming me for everything and I start listening to me. As a drinker, I was pouring alcohol on myself because I thought every thought and feeling that I had was wrong. If I felt something, I'd say, don't feel that way. You're mad. Oh, you shouldn't be mad.

Have a drink. You know, I think that person doesn't like me. You know, pour a drink on that. Poor drink on everything. And you're wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong. That's all I ever told myself.

And through sobriety, I got to ask the question about like, what if there's nothing wrong with you? What if there's nothing wrong with you at all? What if what you feel is the right way to feel because it is the way you feel? What if you can manage through this feeling? You know, what if you can learn to take care of yourself? What if your anxiety is there for a reason? It's maybe you're on high alert because this is not a safe place for you. You don't feel safe here.

And there's nothing wrong with you. Just listen to yourself. Get the hell out. Yeah. Find the exit and find it quick. Exactly. I appreciate you so much sharing this because. I'd heard your story before, but, you know, I feel like this is just so relatable for me personally.

And I just think with so many people, I think this is we get stuck sometimes, right? Heather, we're thinking alcohol is our problem. If I just remove the alcohol or just remove the other substances, then my life is just, it will just get better. And I think the stuff you're mentioning here is actually like the real underlying stuff that we've got to bust through the barrier about about alcohol being the problem. And once we can get, you know, you mentioned a day, one month or something and some clarity. and we can start to see and start to work on like the stuff that's going to keep us on this track because a lot of people ask, how do you get sober? And when I think about my own journey, I'm like, I sobered up hundreds of times.

It wasn't about getting sober for me. It was about staying sober for me. And when I was able to get and stay sober, it's when I worked on a lot of the stuff you're sharing about that other stuff. And then I was able to feel better about myself. And when I was able to feel better and love myself, then I was like, yeah, once you know, you know and you're less likely to kind of burn it all down for me anyway. Yeah. I'm wondering here, though, because this mommy wine culture thing, it seems like I'm having

conversations every other day about this thing. And it might be something that you could relate to wrapped up in. I'm wondering what advice would you give from your own experience to any moms out there juggling all of this stuff and it might be struggling with it. Yeah, mom, and it's hard for sure. But I think that we say like, oh, I need a drink. I need a drink for this or I need a drink for that. And I would ask, what do you really need? And the truth is, most of my clients need a break, need some help, need to change their expectations, need a voice of compassion, not judgment in their own head. But oftentimes, especially in the beginning, they need to not make dinner every single night for their family. It is just, too much. And so there's ways around that, right, that we can manage and you don't have to have alcohol. And maybe we, the kids have mac and cheese every single day for five days. Well, if eventually they get a happy, sober, healthy mom, it will be worth it. Right. We don't have to

make four course meals and we don't have to have Pinterest crafts and we don't have to say yes to everything. We can delegate. I mean, Eve Rodski of Fair Play who wrote Fair Play, what are the tasks that are responsible in the house and how do we delegate them? And And women are still doing, they're working more outside the home. They're making less still. And they're also doing everything with the same amount of hours. And they're doing more in the home. So it's these unrealistic expectations.

It's okay to ask for help. And it's actually, if you're in a male, female, husband, wife type of relationship. And it could be any relationship. It could be a same sex too. But if there's certain roles that you play, it's a disservice like for me, for my husband to be doing everything when he's quite capable himself. and him and my children, our children should have a direct relationship. I don't have to be in the middle of everything. I don't have to be micromanaging and controlling everything like I thought I would.

I can let things go and let some other people have a say about things. And other people have ownership of our life and our house and our patterns and routines. It's not all on me. So women need a break for sure, but it's not wine. You know, women need help. Moms need help. And of course it takes a village to raise kids. It's we're going to alcohol to relax.

It doesn't really relax us. We're going to alcohol to ignore the fact that maybe this life isn't working for us. Maybe we've set up something here where we're on turbo speed all the time, trying to take care of everything. And when you live a sober life, like for me, burnout's not an option. So something has to come off my plate because my self-care is number one. And it's hard to do when you have little kids. It can feel quite suffocating. But women need a break.

women need a lot of things, but it is an alcohol. Everything they're going for alcohol for isn't alcohol is not actually curing any of those ailments. Yeah, wow. No, that's a great, that's a great perspective of things. Yeah, because you see the, well, I don't want to get too far into it, but you see the T-shirts everywhere. You see the, the slogans everywhere. You see this stuff, right, all over the place. I know there's even a billboard friend of mine shared with me in the UK there about something. And it's like, wow, that's just so ridiculous. But. Yeah, I was like shopping, even myself, I was in a little lake town shopping and all the boutiques. And everywhere I turned, there's napkins and cops and dish towels and saying, wine never broke my heart in the cutest little boutique with the cutest little outfit that I loved.

And I'm like, wine never broke my heart. That's the biggest lie. Wine was about to kill me is the truth. So that's a cute little saying, but it's not true. You know, and a dish towel said, I'm either going to have to go to Weight Watchers or AA after this, meaning the pandemic. And I'm like, why are you saying that like that would be a bad thing? You know, I personally didn't use AA, but what a beautiful resource and works for so many. And if somebody needs help, going to a community that will accept and help you sounds like a pretty good idea.

Why would you be cutting that down? And I just felt like, this is me, like five years sober. I felt like I'm getting slapped with these messages everywhere I turn. And I'm like, it's hard. It's hard to be sober because I want to be funny too. I want to be witty. I want to be slapstick. I'm still a party girl.

I love to laugh. I can't laugh at any of this stuff anymore, you know, because it's not funny. Yeah, no, no. I'm with you. I'm with you 100%. I had one more question. Then we'll wrap things up shortly. This has been incredible.

We covered a lot of stuff here. I'm wondering too, right? Because we're going into summer. It could be somebody's first summer where they're sober or they're just checking it out. What was helpful for your first summer, right? Because maybe it's the toughest season because there's all the festivities. There's the shows are back, the concerts and barbecues, a lot of stuff going on. So how were you able to get through that and drop some things for the listeners to help them?

Yes. So it can definitely be tough because especially if you're going into all the situations where you used to drink. And now you're expecting yourself to be there not drinking. So first, well, as a certified professional life coach and a certified professional recovery coach, I work with my clients on a success plan, always setting up a plan, planning, planning, and we go through their week or their event and we have an exact plan. You have to plan ahead. So first of all, do you have to go? Is that the right event for you? If you don't go this time, it doesn't mean you'll never go again. But if you're just starting to build your sober muscle and you're feeling pretty wobbly, you could skip out. you have to prioritize your sobriety. And at first, that might feel sad to miss out. But eventually it's a perfect way to live your life because if it keeps you sober,

it's good for you. If it keeps you sober, it's the best thing for you. And so it starts to become a very easy barometer of what you're going to do and not do. And it's different at first. So that feels hard and like you're missing out. But I just want to say like early sobriety is different than the rest of your life. So if you have to say no now to get some more days under your belt, say no to something. if you decide to go set yourself up for success.

You know, do you have a friend or a buddy that can stay sober with you? Like I had my husband. That solidarity really, really helped. And he still does that. He doesn't have to. I'm not his boss. I'm not his keeper. He can do whatever he wants.

But you know what? He likes it and I like it. And it keeps us together. It keeps us on the same wavelength. So it's been really awesome. And he's benefited too. I mean, he's lost so much weight. His health has improved.

I'm like laugh. Like I quit drinking, but he lost weight. What the heck? But anyways, find a friend that will support you or be alcohol free with you for that certain event. I have somebody that you can reach out to. As a coach, I have unlimited text and email support. Many of my clients are going into bathrooms and texting me, taking a moment, staying present, tattling on themselves, you know, taking a break to say what they're thinking and feeling

and they're tuning in to what's going on internally. You know, a lot of focus on what's going on inside of you versus what's going on around you. can you have an alternative beverage? You know, do you like an alcohol-free beer that can be a tool? It can be a trigger depending. Do you love club soda, diet Coke or lemonade or whatever? If you can have a drink, I would prepare that way. What are you going to say?

What's your talk track? You know, you want to say you're doing a sober challenge like I am? Are you doing dry July? Are you just not drinking today or tonight? You have an early morning. You want to leave early, let the dog out. You don't have to tell everybody your whole story. Not everyone gets access to that.

Not everybody also sees your shame highlight real behind you of all the worst things you've ever done drinking. Nobody knows. You can just say no or I'm not drinking right now. So definitely have a plan. And then I say reward. Reward yourself. So when you get home, do you get ice cream?

Do you like that candle? Do you crack open that new book? Are you watching that show? Did you rent that movie? Have a success plan. Reward yourself. You're used to rewarding yourself with alcohol. So you need to reward yourself with something else.

and then celebrate. Celebrate your success. And when you wake up the next day, go get yourself a coffee, walk in the sunshine, pat yourself on the back, celebrate your success. So if it's not working, I always say more support, add in more support, more support, more support. So it's that same plan of plan, then evaluate your plan, right? Adjust as needed. Reward, always reward, and then celebrate. And I believe in spoiling yourself sober. I believe in no deprivation. I have a client this weekend who's getting a book every single day that she's sober. She's got a tough weekend coming up. She's like, what's a $20 book that I love?

You know, if this leads me to a happy life of sorority. So yes, get your nails done. Get a massage. Treat yourself. Treat yourself in whatever ways work for you. Maybe you want a new fishing rod or a new electric piano or, you know, horseback writing lessons to each their own. But you should be creating a beautiful life that you love and look forward to without

alcohol. Alcohol is an ugly, toxic, addictive substance that's taking you away from yourself and bringing you down. Start to align with who you really are. Take care of yourself and put in, have that vision, that dream life, who you want to be, you know, and start to create and build that person every single day and reward and celebrate who you are. Wow. Looks like I'm getting a new fishing rod, Heather. Do it. Ray, I'd do it. You've earned it. You've definitely earned it. That was awesome. I love that. I think there's like four,

there were four kind of steps there, right? I think your plan. Mm-hmm. Reward? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And then reward. Always give yourself a reward. And then celebrate, learn how to celebrate how to celebrate yourself without alcohol. Yeah. I love that. So three steps. Okay. I mixed up the evaluate.

I didn't know if that maybe that's plan. Yeah. Plan A is three steps. Plan B is, okay, then you plan and then you adjust the plan as needed, right? Add in more support and then reward, celebrate. Okay, perfect. I love how simple you put that in. I love the celebrate part.

I mean, I've heard that in different terms, but that is so just so important that next day, if things go well or however things go, if you're proud of yourself, then you should definitely go and like, do, like, that's incredible to go and do like something that you enjoy because like yeah i mean you have you're you're doing good stuff for yourself and that's just like a great practice to have so yeah and even if friday night sucks a little bit because you're not used to it and you feel uncomfortable saturday morning will be glorious so stay with yourself for that yeah that's so true anything else hether that you'd like to share where can we find you at um yes yes i ditch the drink is i my website my instagram lincoln pinterest facebook

find me at Ditch the Drink. I have a free Sober Secrets Guide. Download that. It's not what you've heard before. Swearing as one. Maybe you heard me swear in this episode. I definitely believe in swearing as a tool. So download my sober secrets guide. I've got lots of options if people want to work with me. I have a community membership. I have a digital jumpstart course. I have one-on-one coaching. And I'm also, I recruit people that want to become coaches. I work with the International Association of professional recovery coaches. So if you're interested in being a coach, talk to me about that. And the summer, I'm launching a class for how to launch a business. So once you're trained as a coach, how to get clients and how to grow, thrive, scale in your business, I've got lots of

awesome guest speakers and master classes and both my membership and this new launcher coaching practice course. But getting sober has honestly been the portal to all my dreams come true. I'm in love with my job. I'm in love with my life. I travel now. I travel now. I'm hiking across the country and national parks. I've made new friends in midlife. I've repaired relationships with my family. And there's been pain. There's been lost.

There's been change. There's been grief, of course, with sobriety. But I wouldn't choose it any other way. And I would not be here if I wasn't having any fun. So that is what is the best surprise in my life. I still got laughed till I cry. I'm having a freaking blast. And there's no nasty consequences afterwards.

So if you're considering getting sober, you're working on getting sober, you're looking at in more support, add in more support, community, a coach, a mentor, and keep going, right? Yeah, wow, beautiful. Yeah, and I'll put the information for this stuff in the show notes. So if you guys want to check out everything that Heather's got going on, just look down there and you can give her a follow and check her out and see everything that she's rocking with and grab that free guide. Thank you so much, Heather.

Thank you, Brad.