Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - How Jess Finally Quit Drinking After Years of Blackouts

Episode Date: March 5, 2026

Jess spent years blacking out from alcohol and convincing herself it was normal. After losing her mom at just 19, drinking became the way she coped — until everything finally caught up with her.In this episode she shares the reality of alcohol blackouts, addiction, relapse, and the moment she finally admitted she needed help.Today Jessica is over 20 months sober and rebuilding a life she once believed was impossible.Topics: alcohol addiction, alcohol blackouts, sobriety, recovery.https://www.instagram.com/wmmsjustjess/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So I was 19 years old. And I vividly remember coming home after she passed away in the driveway. And we got her favorite beer. And it was Bud Light Platinum. But I remember sitting out on her porch at her house. And I was drinking. And I said, I'm going to become an alcoholic. And I don't care.

And I will deal with it later. Sobriety was the hardest thing she'd ever done. Jessica started drinking at 13, blacking out throughout her teenage years, and by her early 20s, alcohol had taken over her life. DUI's hospital visits waking up with no memory of what happened the night before. And a music career built around bar stages and late nights. After losing her mom to cancer at just 19, drinking became the only way she knew how to cope. But when alcohol finally took everything, her relationships, her health, and nearly her life, Jessica had a decision to make. And this is Jess' story on the suburb.

Subur Motivation Podcast. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation Podcast. Today we've got Jessica with us. How are you? Oh, Grant. How are you, Brad? Yeah, I'm doing well. Glad we could reconnect here and get your story out there.

So what was it like for you growing up? So I am from Cleveland, Ohio. I grew up in a family of six, two sets of twins, all girls. Honestly, we lived a pretty normal life as a family of six for what it was. I went to private school up until the sixth grade. We had dinner as a family every night. My dad worked as a lineman for AT&T. My mom was a stay-at-home mom pretty much until I was in sixth grade, I want to say.

We grew up pretty normal for what it was. We was just me and my sisters. But then as I got older, I guess I kind of realized a little bit more. My dad was a drinker. My dad would hang out in the basement with his friends. And I'm pretty sure from what I remember, it was like usually Sunday's football game, they would be down there. And I actually had my first drink down there because usually we'd be secluded upstairs,

the kids, whatever, just us for girls. But we'd go down there and hang out with them. Be curious as children are, you know, see what's going on, seeing what the adults are doing. You know, they're doing, you know, smoking, cigarettes and drinking and, you know, hanging out. So I actually had my first drink, a taste of alcohol. Honestly, I don't know how old I was. I was pretty young, maybe 13. And it was a bottle of vodka that was in the freezer. And my dad's friend was like, you want to try it? So we put it in the cap. And I had like a little sip of it. Yeah, it burned. It was like, ooh. But even now thinking about it, I was like,

like, ooh, that's an adult drink like that. Oh, my, you know, that feeling. And my second one, my second drink around that time was my dad would drink Samuel Adams cherry wheat beer. And I had a sip of that. And it's just, I don't know how to explain that feeling of just something turned on in my brain. Even as a young kid that I'm like, okay, alcohol. And I would watch, you know, they would just drink normally, whatever it was, you know, hang out. But then as I got older, my dad would drink a little bit more. And it would just, my parents were fighting. I'm pretty sure money was tight.

I mean, for the time that it was, I think it was during the recession of 2008. But, I mean, that moved on to like 2012 or whatnot. We were just, we weren't rich. and there was four of us to take care of. We were, my mom got a job and I had to take care of my little sisters. But, you know, then again, like my dad and mine would drink a lot on Sundays and it would just turn into big fights. And we would have the cops called to our house a lot as I got older. And during that time as a kid, it's all a blur.

It's all mixed into one. And usually when I get all my sisters together, we'll talk about our childhood and we'll fill in missing pieces of what happened. We're like, oh, my God, that did happen. Okay. But yeah, up until I was about 14, I think my mom and my sisters, we all left our house in Cleveland, left my dad up there. And we moved down to my grandparents' house about an hour and a half south. And we would drive up to school every day, an hour. was that during that time I was a little crazy and yeah I mean being a 14 year old you know going

through puberty and you know this life altering thing your world's crashing down your parents are probably going to get a divorce your dad's drinking a lot your mom's losing her mind like it was not a good time and so ultimately I want to say maybe this was 2014 15, it's all blur. My mom got a house down south of Ohio in Canton. And she lived there with my little sisters and my twin sister moved down there with her.

And I stayed up in Cleveland so I could continue to go to high school. I was in marching band. It was the flag and dance team that I was in. So I was like, I don't want to leave my friends. I don't want to leave my life that I'm trying to build for myself in Cleveland. So I decided to all.

ultimately stay with my dad. And yeah, I mean, just my childhood's kind of a flirt. It really is. It just lumps all together. But it was a very traumatizing time, especially as a kid. And I won't go into much detail about what happened as a child. But I mean, it wasn't good. Yeah.

But what you say there, just I relate to that so much. Some people they can remember what they got for their first birthday. Yeah. They remember different things. For me, childhood is a lot like that, too. Like, I can remember some stuff, but the nitty-gritty details of things, I couldn't really tell you timeframes or this or that. I know from an early age, I struggled to sort of fit in and find my way.

We made this big transition. I was born in Canada, and my mom was pursuing nursing. And then in the U.S., they were hiring a lot of nurses. So we made this move when I was like six, seven to Waco, Texas. And I remember that's when everything really stressful. for me because it was like my identity was gone and the family structure and everything at home. My mom was 16 when she had twins as well. Oh, wow.

So my grandparents helped look out. There was just a lot of stability there. And then when we kind of went on our own, we were all just trying to figure it out. But it's very relatable in that sense. And it's interesting, too. I feel like a lot of times when alcohol is involved in one parent or the other or both are leaning into it to whatever it is. I mean, I don't know exactly but to cope with life.

or the overwhelm or the stress of everything, then it feels like the kids, which you're not a kid anymore, but it feels like the kids feel pressure to sort of grow up a little bit faster maybe and take on responsibility. And you mentioned too, like helping out with your sisters and all of that type of stuff. I hear that a lot, you know,

and I think that's sort of one of the things, one of the maybe byproducts of a parent struggling with drinking or addiction or whatever it might be. It was. I mean, my mom took the brunt of everything. My dad, I remember as a child, like my dad was very active with me and my twin sister. And we would go down to Kentucky and go to the mammoth caves. We would go fishing.

We, you know, I had a really good young childhood that from what I remember. It was just as I got older, I think just the stresses of having my parents trying to raise a family and just having such a large family. because, you know, the two sets of twins thing, they weren't expecting to have, you know, four kids, you know. My dad wanted a boy and ended up with two more girls. And they told my parents, you know, twins if not triplets guaranteed if they ever had more children and all.

Isn't that wild? And I did take the brunt for my little sisters because I felt like I had to. My mom was kind of doing it by myself. My dad would get home from work and, you know, stressed out and just angry and my mom wasn't a drinker and I've only maybe saw her drink a couple times I've never seen her drunk uh maybe on a new year's or something like that but nothing crazy my mom just wasn't my mom did take a lot of stress and keep it to herself and as we got older and more you know aware we it did start to pour out onto us and I felt like I had to take care of things

and help my little sisters and, you know, kind of just so my mom could go to work. And I would take them home from school and I would, you know, sit with them and watch them. And that's just kind of how life was. Yeah, especially if you don't know anything different too, right? I mean, that sort of makes sense. Another thing you bring up there too, which I think I hear a lot and a lot of people relate with is sort of when drinking is just normalized in the home, right? And then you're kind of like experimenting with a little bit.

not that that is what kind of did it or we could put our finger on and say, hey, the first sip of vodka out of the cap was what sent us on this thing. But it does make sure. Not at all. Not at all. Yeah, it does. The first thing I ever drank was vodka, too. And I heard all my kids in high school talking about it.

I take the bottle down. And I was just thinking, this is the most disgusting thing. I don't know what was wrong with these people. And this is terrible. And I didn't drink again for a while. But when you see it all around, right? and it's becoming sort of this normalized thing that, you know, is going on, then I don't know if there's much room to sort of question.

And some people talk about write a passage or kind of growing up, especially if you, it sounds like it. I'm picking up on it. I had like this rebellious edge to me in my teenage years to kind of do everything I was told not to do. And I'm kind of picking that up from you. So that's like the smoking, cigarettes, the drinking, like those were sort of rights of passage for me and friend groups and connecting with people. And if you see it at home, then there's, you know, there's probably not a discussion going on.

I don't know. We did like the Dare program, which was like say no to drugs. But when I look back, I don't know that they really talked about, you know, drinking sort of as much. How do things in high school look like for you, like outside of sort of things with your family? Like, how is that going? So high school, I had a friend. Well, we're still friends. She's been my best friend for 15 years.

And she's seen it all. We grew up together. I met her at 12 years old. And so we, I had a job at 13 years old. I worked at a party center for like weddings and stuff. And, you know, it was my twin sister, my girlfriend, Kara, and me. And we, we had an experience of being 13 and having a job, which was just weird. And we would work 12 hours, which is illegal.

But whatever, we had a job. We made money. We were like, ooh. But we, they would use to steal the little body. Gummy Bears off tables if they had them at the thing and they would drink up or they would eat them sometimes. I would not do that because I was like in the back of my head. I was like, that's wrong. I'm too young. No. And we would. So we had that. And then growing up to be more in high school at like 16 years old, me and my friend, we would go out to the local music scene. and that was a whole different world.

We would be hang out with these people and, you know, watching live music and, you know, drinking underage. And we were probably six, yeah, we were about 16 years old. And I had a fake ID as well. And so I would always get us alcohol. We always found a way and we would just have fun. And that was kind of our life every Saturday night. Like we thought our lives were so going to be rebellious and, oh, we're,

this is so badass and we're going to have a life of we're going to write a book about this one day and of this crazy lifestyle that we were living and we would go to shows and also at that time I had friends who went to college and I would go down there on the weekends and be in their dorm room and drinking what was it jungle juice like this sticky gross who knows what they put in there it was gross I just remember it would coat your mouth in the morning when you'd wake up and, you know, just get drunk in a dorm room and just party it up. And that was cool. And I was, I was 16.

So I was like, oh, I was hanging out with these older kids. And I also, I went to a show at this place called Blossom Music Center out here in Cleveland, big outdoor pavilion concert center. I was 16. And I went to a Rascal Flats concert, which I don't even care about Rascal Flats. I was like, I'm hanging out with these 18-year-olds. They gave me a free ticket. We're going to drink and we're going to have a great time.

And I had a jello shot in my hand. I didn't even drink it. Undercover cops got me. I got taken back. They showed me scared straight on their phones. And they're like, this is where you're going to end up if you keep drinking like this and you act like this. You're going to grow up and be a failure. And, you know, just instilling that in my head.

And I'm like, whatever. I'm like, okay. And it was just, you know, that was my life. I would go to school. In high school, I only did a couple classes. I would go to the college and I would do classes there. So I wasn't really in school. I didn't really care about high school.

It was, you know, I had my couple friends. We would hang out. That was our thing. And also I wouldn't say I was a great student. I was C average. My whole high school career, I had to go to my math class because I couldn't pass my math class in college. So I just had to go to school, high school for that. And then I'd do my college class.

So I had a lot of freedom too during the day, especially in high school. So I felt more like an adult. And, you know, yeah, and I was hanging out with these people and just running around and out on weekends, I would be drinking. And then also I worked at Starbucks when I was 16 years old. So I was hanging out with these people that were older than me. And they would go out. And again, I had my fake ID. So I thought I was an adult.

I was hanging out with these adults and drinking with them and hanging with them. and even during that time, in the back of my head, I always blacked out. I always blacked out. I always took it too far. When you were drinking, you always blacked out? I can probably count on my hand how many times I didn't black out.

And, but yeah, during that time, it was just fun. It was, oh, you know, we're young. I'm young. I'm only 16. I'm 17 years old. Oh, you know. I'll get my life together eventually. It's just life's a party right now.

I'm living in this adventure. That is what I thought it was. And I wasn't drinking all the time at this point. It was just, you know, waking up, well, drinking all night and then waking up at 4 a.m. for work at Starbucks, 16 years old, 17 years old. And that was, and then I'd go do it all over again. Yeah. And this whole time you're living with your dad then.

And then your mom and your sisters are living, you guys are living. Yeah. Yeah. So I, what does your dad say about all of this? My dad would, I would hide a lot from my dad. I would. And he, he would get mad. He, you know, he couldn't control me.

And it was just, I was more of like, I'm going to do what I want. And that's what it is. And I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions. And that's, kind of how it went. And he, uh, one time, he would put cameras in the house when he would go on work trips and stuff, which wasn't very often. I think it was like once a year. Because he didn't trust me. Rightfully so. And that made it more of, I'm going to sneak around. He didn't know

what I was doing. He didn't know I was going out to bars at 16 years old. Yeah. Like the first time that I got into a bar at 16, my, we were at a concert. And then, below is a bar and it had a big window and you could look down into it. It was like kind of like a nightclub kind of thing. My friend, she had braces and she snuck down past this bouncer and I was scared to go down there and I'm like, I don't know. And I just see her, the bartender's pouring beers and she's pointing down like, come on down. So we snuck down there and that's just life was an adventure. We got drunk down there and that.

And my dad didn't know. We'd get home at 4 a.m. or I'd say I'm sleeping at her house or she's at my house. And, you know, no one knew what we were doing. Yeah, that's kind of, uh, well, what did we use to say? If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space. Yeah. And even at 16, like, again, I thought I was this adult.

I wanted to be a broadcast journalist, journalist. And that's what, my goal was I wanted to be on, you know, a news anchor. So even at 16, I called this, uh, art gallery. James Franco was in town. His uncle had an art gallery here in Cleveland. And I pretended to be a reporter. And I told them, you know, I'm writing this article. And I got into this event and they had free wine. I remember drinking that wine to give myself some courage and, oh, confidence, because I needed that, you know, alcohol. That's what adults do.

They drink. And I got to interview James Franco at 16 years old. They didn't know how old I was. I told them I was like 23. But also, I remember that night I met some people and we went out to a bar and I got in that way. And I just remember just feeling so careless and free. And I'm an adult.

I'm an adult, even though it was like, oh, by day, I'm a high school student. But by night, I'm this 23-year-old adult. who goes out and parties and, you know, carefree and it's whatever. Yeah. And like throughout all of this time, I mean, are you thinking about things, you know, where this ends up or it's just enjoying the moment or the best thing? I was enjoying the moment. And it wasn't until I graduated high school.

My mom got diagnosed with cancer. And that took a whole tailspin. That was very intense for me. And she, I would go down to visit her every Sunday. And it was just me and my mom were best friends. I was so close with my mom. And at that time, yeah, I was drinking here and there, you know, with friends and whatnot. But it wasn't to the point where I had like a problem.

And it wasn't, my mom survived a year and a half. and she died August 16th of 2018. So I was 19 years old. And I vividly remember coming home after she passed away in the driveway. And we got her favorite beer. And it was but like, but like my mom wasn't a big drinker. So I was like, is this really?

She likes beer? Okay. But I remember sitting out on her porch at her house. And I was drinking. And I said, I'm going to become an alcoholic and I don't care and I will deal with it later. Who thinks like that? And because I was like, okay. And I drank that whole time.

I drank. I was probably drunk for weeks after my mom died because that was the only way I knew how to cope. I couldn't deal with it the right way. I couldn't grieve correctly. So I was drinking because I had a lot to handle. I had to take care of a house. I had to take care of my 15-year-old little sisters who just lost their mom. And I just had a lot on my plate at 19 years old, you know.

And so I was just drinking. And again, at this point in time, I was hanging out with some older people, like I was dating around, I guess. But they were much older than me. And, you know, I just lived this life where I was just constantly drinking to cold. and I see it as that now, but during the time it was like, oh, again, I'm going through a lot. My mom just died. So, yeah, I'm going to be, I'm going to be drinking. And even looking back at like being 19, there's so much that happened during that time.

I was still blacking out. Like, I was drinking more than I. And it was starting to realize like, oh, wow, like, I can't stop after one. Like I need more. Like I can't drink like everybody else. And at 19 as well, that's when I got introduced into the Cleveland music scene. And that was a whole different animal. These are adults and cover bands and it sounds cheesy, but it was the bar scene and music and life was these people playing in bands and drinking a lot.

And I was the youngest in this with a bunch of like 50-year-olds being 19 and entering this scene. And I had two friends who were around my age. I met them and it was the three of us. We were a team. And we would go out and hang out with these older people and just drink all the time, blackout drunk constantly. And that was and that's where things I have trouble remembering a lot from being age 20 to around 23 because my whole life was every weekend blackout drunk and I entered the scene of we and I would black out a lot yes but I would also wake up and I knew this was an issue as well

because they'd be like do you know what you did last night I would wake up so anxious and embarrassed and I'm like what happened last night but I didn't want to say it because I was too scared to like, you know, face that. And they'd be like, oh, well, you know, we have videos of this or who, you texted somebody last night or you went home with somebody you shouldn't have. Just things like that. And I would just, it was embarrassing. I didn't want to hear about it. I didn't want to hear about it. And I even then, I was like, why can't I drink like my friends and do something silly when I'm drunk? Like, why do I end up in destruction every single time making these horrible decisions.

Yeah. And I would go home with these people and, you know, these older people who kind of took advantage of me, I was young. Yeah. And I wanted to be in a band and I wanted to do what the adults did. And I thought it was okay because I was young and I thought it was cool. And I did join my first band when I was around 20 years old with my one girlfriend. She was the drummer.

We're still friends to this day. she was a couple years older than me and then she was the one that I would go out with and drink with and this band was insane we were a hot mess except our bass player he was actually he was sober

he was uh three years sober around this time and I always say he knew I was an alcoholic before I knew he watched me just so much destruction we would get blackout drunk on stage during shows. Like, we were the hot mess band.

Like, people would come out to see us because you never knew what was going to happen. We were drunk. And, yeah, I mean, and during that time, I was like 20, 21 years old, I got, I flipped a car. And I wasn't drinking at this point. We were drinking earlier in the day. I remember this because I think it was like a Sunday and Sunday fun day. You know what that means. You got to go out and day drink all day long.

And I remember leaving around, it was nighttime. And I didn't drink for like six hours, but who knows? You don't know how much alcohol is in your system, for real. And I was driving down. I slipped on black ice and I overcorrected and I flipped this car over. And didn't get in trouble for that. I got a failure to control. But two weeks later after that, I got a DUI directly after that.

I was just, it was just bad decision after bad decision. And that, my DUI being 21 years old, that hit hard. That was a different, that was like a game changer for me. Yeah. Because I was like, oh, my. What was it like, did you get pulled over? What was this story with that? So I was doing something I shouldn't have been doing.

I left a show with my band and I went home with some people where. again, I was 21 years old. And these people took advantage of a situation that they shouldn't have. I was already drunk. And so after that, I remember leaving. But next thing I know, I guess I knew I couldn't drive anymore. So I parked my car on a main road in front of a bus stop. And next thing, I know I wake up and there's a cop tapping at my window.

and I was so discombobulated and disoriented. I was like, like, what's going on? And I, yeah, I got arrested that night. I blew a point two to zero, which is considered in Ohio that was a super DUI. And that it was, I had to go through court. I had to go to, it's like a hotel program. People call it hotel health. or drunk school, that kind of thing.

Yeah. And at that point, I was like, okay, maybe I have a problem, but also again, in the back of my head, I'm like, you're 21, you're young. Oh, and in the Cleveland music scene, it was a DUI was like a badge of honor. You joined a club. Oh, because life's a party. And no one is really stopping me at this point. And people would say, oh, just, you drink too much.

Just you just got to control it. You just got to control how much you drink. And that's been my whole life even when I was 16 in drinking and blacking out. People are like, you just got to control it. You don't have a problem. And I would listen to them. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I don't have a problem. But I, in secretly deep down, I'm like, why can't I drink normally like everybody else?

Yeah. It seems like too, like a big part of your environment is where you're hanging out in the people and everything too is playing such a big role in all of this too. I think it can feel like when you're wrapped up in that, because I had the restaurant, the bar scene. I mean, when you wrap in it, as

as wild as it is, looking back, now we can see the fall out of everything. But when you're in it, you don't see anything out of the ordinary because that's all, for me anyway, that's all I was really seeing is that's what people did. Older people,

young people, I was like, everybody's living a good life. We're partying. We're hanging out. We have so many friends. My biggest thing is I felt like I never belonged. That sort of community of sort of the bar scene or the restaurant scene, it gave me sort of that sense of belonging, even though it was destructive. But you just don't see it at the time. Yes. And even then, yeah, I mean, I literally, I was like, oh, this is where I belong. Like, this is life. Life is a story. Like, oh, I'm so young. I'm in this business where it literally, yeah, life was a party and I felt like I belonged and I felt like more of an adult and I felt like, you know, even though I was like 21 years old at this point in time, I was accepted into something

where this was normal. It was so normalized. The interesting thing is, I noticed, is other people I hung out with and drank with, like they weren't going all in like I was every time. So like for them, a lot of people I don't understand it, but they were able to get back to their life. And for me, I always kind of carried it on or wanted to whatever party more or stay later or find the next thing. But other people, it seemed like a lot of them anyway, were able to say, okay, you know, the party's over. I always wanted to be going. I hated when it came to an end. Yes, I never wanted to leave the bar.

I never wanted to quit drinking. It was always like, all right, so the bar's closed at 2 a.m. We're going back to our friend's house for the night. Do we have alcohol there? How are we going to find alcohol? Like, what do you have at home? We got to keep drinking. I can never turn that switch off.

And at the time, I thought it was normal. And there was just no off switch for me. And yeah, I mean, I just wanted to keep drinking. Even in the morning, it was like, you know, I remember times it would be like everyone was hungover and whatnot. And I'm like, hey, let's go to brunch. Let's go, let's go start the day. Let's go drink. It's Sunday.

or, you know, it's Saturday morning. Let's go. Yeah. Let's have a great day of day drinking. And some people are like, are you insane? No, I feel like, like crap, you know, I'm not doing that. I need a couple hours to recover. And I'm like, oh, here the dog, it's fine.

Do you find, like, getting plugged into the bar scene and, like, this, in all of that is sort of a distraction or an escape from what was actually going on with you? Oh, 100%. Yeah, I didn't cope the death of my mind. mom. And I just kind of buried that down and I just, you know, filled it in with, all right, here's the next thing that I'm going to be. Because I didn't think I would be a musician. I didn't see myself as a singer. I didn't see myself as doing that. I wanted to be behind the scenes. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to that was my dream. That was my goal. And then I fell into

this business where I was like, oh, I can be the rock star. I can be. Oh, and you just drink. And that's what, you know, that's what rock stars do. That's what people do. Like that, and I was more comfortable with that. That was more of an escape for me. Yes. I, it was easier. And also during that time, I started the service industry myself.

And I worked at a brewery. And at that brewery, everyone drank that was very normal. Everyone drank even, you know, we would have little beer shots and whatnot. and drinking after work and shots. And it was just that was normal. And we would go out. And again, I was like, cool. I met people that normalized drinking once again.

And I won't get judged. I'm just like everybody else. And so I, it was just constantly drinking all the time. And I dated somebody for two and a half years who I did acoustics with. And we were in the bars all the time. And me and him, our relationship was 100% based on drinking. We should have just stayed friends, but we both had this. I didn't even know how to really explain it, but we didn't judge each other when we drank,

I guess you could say. We were drinking very heavily every day for two and a half years. I also at this time, I was working, my jobs jump a lot. And I was working in an office. This was after my DUI. And I had driving privileges. And I think I got my license back. It was only gone for five and a half months.

And my dad lived right up the street from this office job. And during my lunch break, I would go to his house. And I would steal his beer. And I would drink a couple on my lunch break. And I would go back to work. And sometimes people would be like, did you drink on your lunch break? You smell like beer. And I'd be like, no.

Because also I was so stressed out and depressed because I didn't want to work in an office. I wanted to do this music job. I wanted to be something more, but I needed the money. I owed a lot of money. My car insurance was close to $500 a month. I bought a car at 21, which I, worst purchase of my love. That was like $350 a month as well. I lived, yeah.

Well, no, it was new to me. In this car, oh, my God, I spent so much money trying to fix this thing up. But also, I lived on my own, too, at 20 years old. I moved out from my dad's house and I think we missed over it or skipped over that part. But I moved to, I got a roommate and I lived with her. And we, you know, I had bills to pay. So I had to get a better job. I couldn't work at Starbucks forever.

And also I wanted to do, you know, this music stuff on the side. And that's mainly weekends. Yeah, I mean, I was already stressed out. And I think I was also like, I think just trying to cover up what was really going on inside. I was just, you know, by drinking. And I forgot to mention this too. Like, I was very depressed. And sometimes I would drink by myself to the point where I'd get so drunk where I wanted to like,

I would get these suicidal ideations. I know for a fact, I would never, you know, harm myself. But when you drink so much, you get to that point where you think you want to kill yourself. You think you want to harm yourself. And there were situations where I'd be so drunk, my friends had no choice. I would be calling them crying. And they would, I would end up in the hospital. And I've ended up in the hospital multiple times for over drinking.

and my blood alcohol level was to the point where I should have been dead multiple times. EKGs all over my chest. Just in case they had to restart my heart, in case my heart stopped. It was, you know, 0.3, 0.4 IVs in my arms. And still, when I would go to that hospital, I would wake up and be like, okay, whatever. You think that would hit me in a way. Like, like, hey, that's not normal. you're wasting this hospital's time because you're drunk.

And even at the end, they would be like, well, you did say you wanted to harm yourself, or are you still thinking that way? And I'm like, no, I'm good. Like, cool. All right. Well, see you later. Let's go back to life, like not actually focus on the real problems that were happening and trying to deal with my mom's death and trying to deal with stress and just trying to be trying

to do it all. and I lost myself a lot during that process. And, you know, yeah, and I just drank a lot for that reason. And the people I surrounded myself with and the guy that I dated, we encouraged each other. We didn't judge each other. It was just, that was normal for us every night, going out to the bars, every night playing a show.

Would we get hammered? Yes. People would buy a shots. We, that was my life. was just drinking every single day. Yeah. Because it finally got to that point. Yeah.

Like setting up, it seems like it, whether maybe the awareness was there or maybe it weren't, but setting up your life in a sense where drinking is always an option in one way or another with going out to the bars. I mean, it's such an interesting, it's such an interesting thing because I had that phase of my drinking too where going out. And, I mean, to be honest, I loved it. I love just walking into a place and feeling the vibe. And I think now when I look back what I loved most is I knew that the insecurities that I had in my life, how uncomfortable I was, the stress of the outside world, I felt like soon it would all slip away.

Like, and I just knew, and alcohol was just that vehicle to get me there. And it was a sense of identity. It was like for me anyway, I felt like I was something outside of there. I felt like I wasn't something. but they're new walk in the bartender knows you they know your order they had you when you're regular yes we have home bar yeah and it's like you just feel like you're a part of something but when i look back at it now like there wasn't really much depth to it like a lot of those relationships that i had and people that i saw in passing and whatever it was there really wasn't a whole lot of depth i think

when i realized taking the alcohol out of this relationship or this equation there actually is nothing they would be when I first got sober, I would, you know, when I would try to sober up, I would try to hang out with the same people. And I'd say, hey, like, I'm sobering up or whatever. Let's go for a coffee. And let me tell you, it was the most awkward, like 45 minutes of my life. But it was at a bar. It was great. But we just didn't mesh on that level. There was really nothing there. But I thought there was. I thought it was so important. And even like back to high school, like just getting into the wrong crowds of people. And when we got together, we, we had these very bad ideas. of things, you know, not that people, but just made bad decisions. And we all kind of co-signed

each other's BS of like when I look back at it of just not really expecting much of each other. Like I wish I kind of connected with people at that phase of my life in my early 20s that were maybe pushing me forward to do a little something more. But if you, I think when I look back to if you hang out with people that aren't really going very far, like nobody, humans are kind of strange, right? Like, people want to see you do good, but not better than them. You know, it's kind of weird. And I was hanging out with those people and those mindsets. So it was stuck. I was stuck for a bit. It sounds like for you, too. And it does bring me back because there was this bar right up the street from my house. And we would play there once a month, our acoustic shows. And we were regulars at

this bar too. So we knew everybody. You know, it was like the cheers show. Everyone knew your name when you walked in. And there were people there every single night after work. And it was the same people every single night. And we would get free drinks while performing. And we were just like these celebrities of some sort of, oh, well, you know, it's, you know, Jess is here. Grab her a drink. and just it was so normalized in this little bar and that was your own little community of people and friends. Yeah. And I think that's probably so common everywhere. There's probably like those places where it is true because even when I worked at the bars,

like you would see the same people. They were usually older than I was, a lot older. Like maybe they're 50s or 60s. But you would see the same people every day. And then I worked in the kitchen and you'd see the same orders come through at the same time. It was like very robust in a sense to go to like the same place every day. And I guess at the time I was like, well, of course that would never be me. I think if I continued on the journey, like that's kind of what happens.

If you keep alcohol around your life shrinks so much and your opportunities do and the longer you kind of stick around, it's like, okay, this is all I've ever known. So it's a scary spot. Yeah. And then, you know, so I dated that guy for two and a half years. And then finally, it got to the point where it was just so toxic. We were just so engulfed. And it just, it kind of blew up. And where we were like, what are we doing?

This is just, I, it just wasn't going anywhere. And ultimately, we broke up and he left. And I don't know what came. over me at this time, but I was like, I'm going to stop drinking for a hot second. See what happens. I'm going to try for a week because I want to process this and this breakup with a sober mind, like a clear mind. And because I was just living this life of, you know, repetitiveness of drinking every single day. And I guess something came over me to say, let's see what happens. And I, and I was like, okay, I'll try a week.

And then it went on to two weeks a month. And I was kind of getting excited. I was like, oh, okay, I feel good. I'm sleeping a little bit better at night. Like I'm not waking up super dehydrated. Oh, and then I, from drinking like I was and what I was drinking, I gained probably 30 pounds just off of alcohol. And I'm a small person.

I'm 5'1. And my normal weight, I'm 102 pounds. but when I was drinking, you know, I gained so much weight. But once I stopped, it melted right off. So also in my head, I was like, oh, okay, I'm going to, this is nice. Like, this is different. And I just kept going. And I was like, also I was like, I don't have a problem.

And I would still go to the bars, the same bar that I would hang out at and drink. And they're like, oh, you're not drinking? I'm like, no, I'm taking a break. I'm going to see what happens. and also it was hard for me to be on stage too because I felt like I needed the alcohol for the confidence to do the stage banter, to do the songs, to feel like, oh, I'm a good musician this way.

That's how musicians operate. You have to be drinking. And that's obviously not true. But so I stayed sober for four months. And it just turned into four months. And so when I was around four months sober, I met this guy. And he saw me at, like he, he would see us do our acoustic shows.

And, you know, he saw me, like, drunk is all hell. Like, just, and I wasn't a good drunk. Sometimes, oh, I'd be angry. I'd be crazy. Sometimes I'd be crying or I'd get super depressed, like I said before. It was never the happy drunk. It was never, you know, I'd see my friends doing crazy things, like rearranging their fridges.

at their house like because they're drunk and ooh but me no I was out destroying my life doing things I should not be doing getting behind the wheel of a car and driving because who knows you know getting the UIs like that's what my drinking was but anyway yeah we met and we we kicked it off we started dating we were friends for a while and he knew I wasn't drinking anymore he thought it was awesome and again he didn't think I had a problem and I didn't think I had a problem. And so we went out November 17th of 2023. We went out to a friend dinner.

It was all my friends. And I remember, I was like, today's the day I'm going to drink for the first time. And I was so nervous. I remember being so nervous. And I had a glass of white wine. And later on in the night, I had a shot of tequila. and I was like, oh, I feel fine. Oh, why am I so nervous?

You're right. You're not an alcoholic. You did it. You had two drinks. That was the ultimate switch that turned on in my head that started the chain of the worst relapse of my life up until this point in time, till the last time I got sober. Because that opened the door, the guy I was dating. He was the very first person that ever looked at me.

said, Jess, I think you have a problem. I think you have a problem with drinking. And I just looked at him and I was like, what are you talking about? Because it did as soon as when I was sober and we were starting to date, it was let's go on walks. Let's go do things that were proactive and, you know, fun. But then as soon as I had that first drink in November, right after that, it was, hey, let's go to the bar. Let's go do a nightcap. Let's, you know, drink at home. It progressively snowballed back into a relapse, which I didn't know at the time.

And, you know, but he was the first person that actually looked at me and it got in my head. And I was like, oh, so that means I got to hide it from you. And I got to be good at it because I can't drink around you. You're going to judge me. And I went back to hanging out with people that I shouldn't have been hanging out with. I hung out with my, I was going back to the bar and drinking again in secret. I was drinking at work. I would say, hey, oh, I'm stopping at the bank to deposit my money from the brewery.

And I would be at the bar drinking a couple shots to hurry up to get back because I felt it made me feel normal. And yeah, I, goodness, yeah, I mean, I, yeah, I thought I had it under control in the beginning. But also during this time in January of 2024, I was it 2020? Yes, it was 2024. And I got a job offer for a band in Chicago. And I already told them that, yeah, I was sober. And, you know, I think I applied for it before I relapse. But anyway, I thought I had a hold on things, whatever, I can drink normally.

But so I got this job offer. I drove up to Michigan for my audition in the snowstorm. And they didn't know. I was secretly drinking during this time during my audition. I remember having a vodka. I remember and I hit it from my boyfriend at the time too. He thought I was sober. And I wasn't.

And I had little bottles of, I had a bottle of tequila, small one, and a small bottle of vodka in my bag. So I was like, I have to survive this night. I have to have the confidence to drink so I can nail this audition and make this band. Because once again, I thought I needed it. So I did ultimately get the job in a band. For the first six months I was in this band, I was driving back and forth from Cleveland to Chicago, which is a six and a half hour drive.

So I was doing that every week. This band that I joined, we did 140 shows a year. We would get in a band and we would travel. different states from like North Dakota down to Key West Florida. It was we were on the road living. And yeah, during this time, driving back and forth because I was dating this guy, and we were on and off a lot because during this time I was drinking so much again and hiding it. And he knew and it caused a lot of problems for us. And he had his own issues within himself. And when you And when you mix that with somebody who has alcoholism, that just doesn't.

And we're not fixing ourselves, working on ourselves. That just causes a toxic relationship. We knew we loved each other, but it just, you know, it just didn't work out. And we stayed together. It was on and off again. But, yeah, I was traveling with this band. And I, I remember, yeah, the first couple of shows. as I was drinking secretly.

And then I would drink with them too because I was like, oh yeah, I'm having a couple. It's fine. I'm not an alcoholic, whatever. Because that's what bands do. We'd be in a hotel, like at the end of a show before we leave. And we'd all have some drinks, hang out, whatever. And there was a show in this was very early in my career in this band.

I got blackout drunk on stage at a show. I don't remember the show. I remember, I think I fell. And my bass player at the time, he was like just after every single song, you would come up to me and tell me that you wanted to kill yourself. And I'm like, what? And I just remember after that show, I woke up in the back of the van and everyone was quiet. I just remember I could feel the steam coming off my boss who was driving the van. who was driving the van and he was so mad.

Like, I potentially, you know, ruined having this band play at this venue. And this band's been around for 12 years at that time. And I joined. And they've been playing at that venue in North Dakota for, you know, 10 years. And I destroyed that being the new singer because I was drunk on stage. And I played it off, too. I was like, whatever I had a bad day. It was, oh, you know, whatever.

after that I tried to get sober again and I was like okay well I'm going to take a break again I'm going to not drink and there are so many stints in between this last year of drinking where it was really tough it I just couldn't get sober I was just constantly back and forth of just the relapses and I'd be okay for maybe a month then I'd fall right back into it because I got into a fight with my boyfriend or, you know, I just caused a lot of turmoil and I hurt a lot of people. And my friends at this point were like, they were like, Jess, we can't handle this anymore. Like, you were getting drunk and we had to go on a chase to try to find you and you're hiding.

Like, what are you doing? And I'm joining this band where I don't know these people and I'm living in a van with them and I'm constantly drinking. And so. That was my life for a while. And it just, it got to the point where I was having to drink when I woke up. And yeah, that, that sucked. And also driving back and forth every week of drinking on, like, I would carry my alcohol with me.

I'd hide it because I had to hide it from everybody. I was constantly buying toothbrushes and listerine and toothpaste to brush my teeth, hurry before my boyfriend would ask. if I was drinking. He knew. He knew the whole time I was drinking. And that would cause fights because I didn't want to, you know, tell him I was struggling. And I was hiding alcohol in my stage boots and I would go to the bathroom and drink. But I was telling everyone I was sober. And I was so sick with withdrawals of being not having that alcohol in my system that I was throwing up as I was drinking alcohol because I had to get it in my system. And I was throwing up as I was drinking

alcohol because I had to get it in my system, but also my body was rejecting at the same time. Or I'd go out of my way and hide behind the side of the bar before the show started. I'm like, I need a shot of vodka. It was always vodka. And because I thought, no one will know. Yeah, you can't smell it. And I would drink that. And I was like, no one's going to tell me I can't drink on stage.

And I can handle it. I can handle it. But it was back and forth in my own head of, I have a problem. And then even when I was driving back and forth from going home to Cleveland, I was withdrawing so bad. And the only thing in my mind was I have to get through these six hours. And the last spot I'm going to go is the bar at the end of my street by my house. And I will feel better because I would be so sick, shaking. And there was one time where I got pulled over in Indiana.

And I was going through withdrawal so bad. I'm probably, I might have still had alcohol in my system. Who knows? But he pulled me over and I was like, this is bad. Like, am I going to get a DUI again? Like, you know, nervous. And he gave me, he didn't give me a ticket. He gave me a warning for being in the wrong lane for too long or whatever it was.

But that hit me as, oh, my God, I have a problem. And now it's taken over my life so much where I'm like, and still in my head, I was like, I have to make it to the bar. I have to. A couple more hours because I had to cure myself. Yeah. It's just sort of that back and forth of the, I mean, the denial, but then the clarity of, okay, there is a problem here. But then slipping back into the denial, hanging out in those environments. It seems like all of this.

I mean, things with your boyfriend are maybe going well for a bit and not going well. It's the thing that happens, I see it so often and it's relatable to me too. When alcohol is in the picture and things are going these ways, right? Stress, overwhelm, everything in life, stuff we haven't dealt with. This becomes the thing we lean on, right? The brain gets used to leaning on alcohol instead of like when you mentioned you had that four months stretch, right? You're going out for walks. You're doing other things that are productive, that feel good.

And when alcohol is in the picture, it's just such an easy reach, right? We know that this will quiet it down or help us get through something. I mean, it doesn't fix anything, but it gives us that sort of illusion of like, I'll deal with it another day. And then things just keep piling up. So you have like all of these things we're not looking after. And then it's like, okay, piles up. And then this becomes, for a lot of people, I think, the only tool in the box or the only thing that we know that's going to sort of make things feel okay for a little bit. And the brain remembers, too, because a lot of people share that story.

Like you had that four months stretch. And it didn't seem like the way you shared it. It was overly difficult to kind of get that. And then I think that we can be confused. And then we drink again. And we're like, well, it wasn't really that hard to get started like last time. So I'll be able to. I can definitely get going again when I'm ready.

But a lot of people share the story every time they go back. It is harder to get things going again, harder to quit drinking again, which you kind of nod your head there. so there might be relatable. It is. And it did. Yeah. So once it reached that point, even in that last year of the relapses, like I was trying to get sober. But at that point in time, I was trying to get sober for the wrong reasons.

I was trying to get sober from my boyfriend. And I, you know, this guy was different to me. He was the first person who helped me accountable and cared about me. and I felt where I was vulnerable with this person, and I wanted to get sober for him, maybe a little bit for myself on the side, but it was mainly I wanted to be sober for him. And that doesn't help you get sober, you know, that doesn't help you stay sober. And every time I would just end up, you know, relapsing. But it wasn't in, because I wanted to stay with them.

I didn't want to, you know, break up with them. And I wanted it all. I wanted it all. and I couldn't have it all because I wasn't focusing on what needed to be focused on, which was, you know, getting myself healthy. And so I moved officially to Chicago in July of 2024. It was my first, like I was living there every once in a while, but back and forth then again.

But anyway, I officially moved there and me and my boyfriend were fighting again. And it was just, I think we were broken up again. and the last time I drank, because I got in a fight with everybody in my life, I was just to this point where everyone was out to get me and, oh, I was entitled, you know, everyone should feel bad for me and life's so hard and you don't know what I'm going through. And everybody left me. I did not have anybody anymore. And I just moved to this city by myself. I had my band, yes, but I, I didn't really, I didn't know anybody. But anyway, yeah, even my own father was like, I'm done. I can't handle this anymore. My own sister was gone.

My best friend of 15 years had to step away. And I didn't have anybody. So the last time I drank was the second night that I was in Chicago. And that night I quit my band. I was drunk. and I thought my boss said something, like me and my boss, he was the drummer of the band.

He, we would, we had it out for each other. We did not like each other for the longest time. We just could not get along. And he, because he had a business to run. And I wasn't meeting his standards. I thought, you know, whatever.

But anyway, he didn't think I was taking the job seriously, but also I was drinking a lot. So he would also get mad about that. And so I quit the band that night. I went to a bar. I drank. It was called Kim Crawford, Savion Blanc, and I just sat there and I got hammered by myself at this bar. And the only things I remember is waking up in a bathroom.

I passed out in a bathroom, woke up, and that was a normalcy for me. That happened in the past, and I never told anybody because that was embarrassing. I've blacked out in a bathroom and woke up, and the bar was closed. and I was alone in there and I was like, where I'm, you know, you wake up from a blackout and you're like, where am I? And I couldn't see anything. Everything was black and I just feel a toilet over here. And that wasn't, so again, you know, waking up in this bathroom again, I was like,

this is, that's really bad. And so next thing I know, I woke up in the bathroom, I guess I went out and next thing I know I have a bartender poking me and he's like, hey, you got to pay your tab and leave. And I'm all like, what? And who knows how many glasses of wine I drank. I just remember they were like $24 glasses of wine. And this girl was there and she looked at me and she's like, you're not from here. And I'm like, no, this is my first day in Chicago.

My car's parked outside. I can't drive home. I don't know where I'm at. And she was a saving grace for me. She drove my car home. And I lived right. on the block, but I didn't know that. New to Chicago. And she looked at me and she goes, you are very lucky. It was me who helped you out and not somebody else because you're not in

Cleveland anymore. You're in Chicago. This is a whole different type of animal. This is a big city. And if you're drinking like that, you don't know what's going to happen to you. And that scared me. And at this point, I was like, I just moved to Chicago two days ago and I'm living with these roommates who don't know I have an alcohol problem. My band, I just quit. And I have to go beg for that back. I lost my family. I lost everything. And I'm on the verge of I wanted to move back to Cleveland anyway because I was like, I just quit the band and begging my boyfriend to take me back because, you know, and it was just all this at once. And that night when I woke up in my apartment, I was like, this, something came over me. And I'm like, this is it. No more.

relapses, you're serious about getting sober this time. So that weekend with the band, we were traveling and I was going through withdrawals really, really bad, like flu-like symptoms. And that was tough and also dangerous. You know, you shouldn't, especially when you're drinking every single day of your life. I made it through a week. And I made my first appointment with a therapist for the first time. And she was an alcoholic specialist. And I made a psychologist. And I made a psychiatrist appointment. I went in and the first question, I was so nervous to go into this therapy appointment. She asked me, why are you here?

And for the very first time in my life, I admitted out loud, I am an alcoholic. And I just started crying because that was where I finally accepted it where I'm letting my guard down at this point. Like, you know, it's, I need help. Because also at the time, too, I knew this was my only option of how strong am I can I do this? How strong am I? I knew I couldn't go to rehab because I was like, well, if I go to rehab, I'm going to really lose the band this time. And I have to go back to Cleveland.

And I can't afford rehab. My family can't afford that. They won't pay for that, you know. So the next best thing was how strong can I be? And I went to therapy. And I got on with the psychiatrist. I got on is gabapentin, which is a nerve blocker, but I don't know, was supposed to help with alcohol and cravings or whatever. But I made it through a week and before I got on this.

And so I started taking control of my life and going to therapy and actually admitting the real things of what alcoholism was and how it was affecting me. And, you know, getting deep diving into my relationships and just how I lost everybody and everyone was mad at me and how do I pick up the pieces from this. and yeah that was a tough tough time but you know it was all new for you it was and finally admitting it was hard but it did once I left that first appointment

it felt like the biggest weight off my shoulders of I'm going to be okay I'm going to get through this but also it took a lot of accountability and then I was like well what do I do with my time now now that, because I spent all my time drinking from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed, even on the road, I mean, we would travel.

We'd be gone for days, but I was drinking, but I'm like, all right, well, I have to make some major changes. I, you know, that week I told my band, I was like, listen, I am sober and I need the support and I need to be held accountable. And my band was all for it. They were like, hell, yes, finally, you know. Yeah. And they were the most supportive people with it.

And I got into yoga and that was going to be my goal. I wanted to be a yoga teacher. And in Chicago, I was like, all right, well, this is a new, you know, game. This is a life you're going to build now. You're going to be sober. You're going to get through. And I started writing. And I treated Chicago as my rehab, I like to call because I was away from the place that got me sick, which was Cleveland.

And now I was alone in Chicago. and, you know, and all I had was my band. So I was like, you've got to start making these changes and building a life where you're happy and without drinking. And so that's what, you know, that was my time there. I eventually went back to Cleveland. I got back. I started talking my ex-boyfriend again. And I was like, finally, you know, look, I'm sober for the last time.

Like, this is it. We can really make it work now. And he, you know, again, he had his own things that he had to work on himself. And we just, it wasn't the right timing. We needed to be away from each other. And so that was tough. But we got back together. And I was staying with him for a while.

And then I would go back on the road and trying to make a relationship work. And it just, it wasn't ideal. And like, this isn't working out. but we're forcing something to try to work. And I need to go work on myself in Chicago. I have goals that I want to do. I want to be a yoga instructor. I want to get my foot surgery on my foot.

Like I had goals for myself, just things that I needed to work on by myself and continue my sobriety. My sobriety was my main focus at this time because it was different this time. And so ultimately, we parted ways in October of 2024. And I was on the Menda. was sad because I was like this was you know this breakup sucked and you know I got to focus on my

band I'm a touring musician like this you know I have to find myself and I have to be comfortable with being alone and I have to be comfortable of living in Chicago and it's going to be okay and I was so happy I was and I was trying to build independently and then at the end of October I was, you know, I was super depressed and whatnot and just being on the road. Being on the road, it's a lonely job at times because you're gone a lot. And the only people that you have is your family on the road. And these guys were my family. They're my brothers.

And we are so close. So I got home from a tour in South Dakota in the end of October of 2024. And I just felt weird. And I was like, okay, well, I have this one pregnancy test. laying around it was like a little 99 cents store one and I took it and instantly it lit up positive and in that moment I wanted to drink bad and I was like I'm like nope this is a complication like this is this cannot be happening I nope and I put it in my nightstand and I went to a farmer's market instead of going to a bar I was like nope I just acted like it didn't exist because all in the back of my

head, I was like, how do you cure something like this? Oh, you can go drink. No one's here to stop you, but also I was like in the back of my head, I'm like sobriety, this path of sobriety, this time, it's different. And I had a big decision to make. And so I kind of let it go and I did my thing still, yoga and whatnot. And I got it confirmed with blood tests and whatnot that I was pregnant. And that was, huge for me because I had a decision to make and I let my ex-boyfriend know about it and he decided ultimately, you know, he wasn't going to be involved and he was going to remove himself from the situation. So then again, I had another decision to make. Was I going to continue this as going to be a single mom or was I going to not follow the path of being a parent and just, you know, live my life

in Chicago and just keep doing what I was going to do. Ultimately, I decided to keep my child, and I went through my whole pregnancy alone in Chicago with my band. And if I did not have my band, I would have drank. I know for a fact, these people are my brothers again. And like, you know, they were so supportive of me. And, you know, with being pregnant, alone and dealing with the stresses of that of like how am I going to figure this out that was hard and I you know I was alone in Chicago yeah

by myself and I was like how am I going to figure this out like how you know how am I going to raise a child by myself like how am I going to figure this out and I and the thoughts passed and like people say you know oh well you're pregnant you can't drink for an addict it doesn't matter if you're pregnant or not like the feelings and the cravings and the urges still exist. Yeah. And that was very tough on me. But I, yeah, I just, I kept doing the same thing. I kept going to yoga.

I kept my mind occupied. I kept my mind happy. I kept going to therapy. I even took a salsa dancing class, random. At what point did you stop hanging out in bars besides working? Like, is that, but did that, did you change that environment and let's going to hang out places or no? I, yeah, there was no reason. I mean, I was in bars all the time anyway with being in, you know, a traveling band.

I was in bars all the time. Yeah, but maybe, maybe like doing that, but not because you'd shared the other part, too, of your story, which I hear like a lot of people kind of, you're so used to going to the bars the other time when you got sober. You'd still go to the bars and be like, hey, I'm. Yeah, no, I ended that right away. Uh-uh. I was like, especially being in Chicago, I was like, yeah, I was way too embarrassed to go back to that bar that the last time I drank.

It was way too embarrassed to ever do that again. And I knew. I was like, yeah, this is just not like when I meant changing about being sober, I meant it. And I was like, things have to change. I have to occupy my mind. So I would start my routine. I got a routine together. And I would every morning wake up and go to yoga.

Yeah. I would. Yoga was a big part of it then. Yes. And I. Sure, too, and everything. Oh, it was. I did this class where it was hot yoga and you would be sweating and you felt so good.

It was a hard workout, but it was awesome. And, you know, I would start my, and I'd go on walks and Chicago's a big city. There was always something to do. And I was trying to get out of my comfort zone and be okay with being alone. And I would take myself to the zoo. I would, you know, go on low walks. It was go to the beach. Ice cream became my favorite little treat.

That's a common trend. You mentioned like what was fueling, what was fueling your drinking before was what had happened in your life too, right? Like this sort of maybe some people refer to it as like a victim of circumstances, right? Yeah. My life is going bad. Nothing's going well. I'm not getting any wins. But on this side, I seem to pick up more.

of a sense of purpose. Like you're not living like that anymore. You're more empowered to say like, I can heal these things. I can work on these things that I've been avoiding. Yeah, I mean, because I didn't cope with my mom's loss for years. I just shoved it down and I acted like everything was fine and I covered it up with drinking and I covered it up with always being busy, always working a million jobs, always just trying to get my mind off the things that were bothering me.

You know, things from my childhood that I didn't think of. You know, I, yeah, I just, I didn't handle it the correct way. And I thought, you know, piling it over drinking and then just drinking became regular for me, how I felt normal, how I didn't have to deal with, I didn't have to deal with all that. And then when I started therapy, I had to be vulnerable. I had to sit there and talk about these things for the first time, which was hard. And doing it sober, that was hard. You know, and plucking all these, the feelings of my mom dying and how that actually

affected me as a young adult being only 19 years old. That's hard. And how do you carry on your life after that? How do you rebuild? My mom didn't get to see me turn 21. My mom didn't, you know, she didn't get to see me do, you know, these bands or anything like that. she didn't get to see any of that.

And I just shoved it all down. And I didn't talk about it for years. Now I'm more open. You know, it's been seven years since she passed. And I'm more open about it now. But yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And I think, too, what I pick up and I think it's so common for so many is not asking for help. You know, just not asking for help and feeling maybe the shame is overwhelming or what are people going to think. Or I mean, another thing is, too, once we're aware of the. problem, there's kind of that pull of like, hey, we need to do something here. And it's kind of it can really open up that door of more confusion of like, okay, I mentioned to somebody, yeah, I am an alcohol or girl. Yeah, I do have a problem with drinking. Now they might expect us to kind of, you know, move in that direction. And that's scary too, because this is the life we've known. Are we really ready to face everything that's on the other side of. Exactly. Because there was

even a point in time after I got pulled over in Indiana. I was like, I'm struggling. Why I can't stay sober? Like, why can't I stop drinking? I have to tell somebody. And it was, that was the line. Like, if I admitted finally, like, I need help and I'm scared and I'm struggling, that opens the door of expectation. Yeah. And then finally giving up that life of drinking where you can't do it. Like, you know what I'm saying like you finally admit and once you admit you can't go back you know people will get you differently and I didn't want anyone to be mad at me if I finally said yeah I have a problem and I need help like I thought I could handle it myself which how that worked out not good but yeah but so I think so many so many of us get to that spot right to where we want to just

secretly quietly in our own way figure this thing out like we don't want to to let anybody know. But it's a great story of that's where things change for you when you taught when you admit to yourself, when you sort of surrender this idea of control, I'm going to control my drinking, I'm going to do this. I think we can all agree that is just an exhausting, full-time job trying to figure out how much, when, when to get to sleep, when this, all fit in all these pieces. It's full-time exhausting. It was. It did because I was hiding my drinking and telling everyone I was sober. And I would have my boyfriend over at the time and I'm cooking dinner.

And I was like, oh, I got to go get something from the store. And I would walk up the street and there's the bar at the end of the street. Drugstore was across the street. I'd walk right through the bar, get a shot of vodka, walk right out the door, go to the drugstore. Get something random. Didn't even need it. I needed the excuse to hide my drinking and go drink because I needed to drink. And I'd get whatever I got at this drugstore.

come right back, go right through the doors of the bar, get another shot of vodka, walk out and go right back home and act like everything was normal. And oh, yeah. And you think, too, this bartender would be like, what is she doing? And I didn't even cross my mind that that's weird or I just didn't care. And my mind was so gone anyway from being, because you don't think straight. You're not logical. You're not. Yeah.

The only thing in my head constantly was I need alcohol all the time. That's the only way is that that's how I'm going to survive. And yeah, looking back at all that and some of the things I was doing, insane. Like there was one time I lost my keys because I was drinking all night. I drank like a bottle of wine and I woke up on my couch blacked out drunk or I woke up and I'm like, okay. And I was tearing my house apart trying to find my keys. And I was going through withdrawals and I was like, all right, you're going to go walk up to the bar at the end of your street. You're going to get a drink.

And after that, you'll feel better. And then you can find your keys and carry on with your day. Yeah. First drink. Uh-uh. I stayed there for a while. And then, you know, I went to the gas station and got more alcohol and I'd sat at home and just drank all day. And nothing got accomplished.

I don't think I found those keys for like a day. Keys were gone. When you look back at all of this and sharing today, what do you take away from? It's sort of your journey and what could you take away and, you know, share with other people, too, that might be in a spot where asking for help just feels so impossible. You have to utilize your community. You have to utilize yourself. You have to think about how strong you are and how bad or how bad do you want this at the end of the tunnel. You know, it's a hard battle.

Alcoholism is a hard thing to. go through. And you do feel like hopeless and you feel like you can't get out of it. And asking for help is not, it's not bad. Even though I didn't ask for help right away, I wish I would have earlier because I felt like maybe something could have been done. But ultimately it is up to you. If you do want to get better, you have to make the changes. You have to be strong. It's not easy. It is, it's a battle. And, you know, looking at my life now, I moved back from Chicago when I was 35 weeks pregnant. I toured the whole time with my band. I started working at the brewery again when I was pregnant

and just to make some money. I got a home out here. I had my son and that was the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I look at my son now and I'm 20 months sober as of yesterday. And I look at my son and I'm just like, you know, he will never see his mom drunk. You know, he'll hear stories about it. Sorry, I'm getting emotional. He'll hear stories about it, but he will never have to experience what I put so many people through. I hurt so many people. And I hurt myself.

And I damaged a lot of my life. and to rebuild that over time takes a lot of effort. And I've made amends with people. And that's the hardest part, too, about getting sober, is admitting and taking accountability and really accepting the things that you did while you were in active addiction. Those aren't things to be proud at. And yeah, they can be swept under the rug and you act like, you know, you can forget about them. But I chose to face them head on and accept and like, yep, these are things that I did.

and I had to apologize to a lot of people. And I look at, you know, my best friend of 15 years. And, you know, she came back into my life. She was gone for a while when I was getting sober. And I told her, you know, and I tell all my friends this and my family, it's I dedicate my life being sober for you guys, for myself, because I owe you guys that. And I would never pick up a drink again

because I know for a fact, I would lose it all. I would never come back. And now I have a little, you know, I have a son to take care of who counts on me. And I'm the one that, you know, I'm the only one there. Like, who am I, you know, I have to.

And even if I think about drinking now, it's like I deep think about something bad that happened in my act of addiction. and it grosses me out to the point where I'm like, no, because you know what will happen after that one drink, after being sober for four months, and I thought I was cured and wasn't an alcoholic. Look what happened.

One drink just opened up the floodgates of, you know, another year of trying to get sober for the, for real. And finally, I got it to stick. And I have people who count on me and I want to make people proud. And yeah, again, dedicating my life to suffer. variety for everybody, including myself. Yeah, don't eat yourself off the list, my goodness. Yeah.

Great job with everything. I mean, 20 months. And it's another interesting aspect, too, that I hear a lot on the podcast, too, is you try and you try and you try and you, in those moments that you touched on earlier, it's hopeless. You feel like it's never going to work out. I'm never going to get this. And then you do.

Yeah. And then you do. There were times where I was like, all right, well, tomorrow, I will, not drink. This will be the first day of sobriety. You know, if I don't feel, because, you know, withdrawal and you drinking to make yourself feel a little bit better, feeling normal. There would be days where I'd wake up and I'd feel like semi-normal and I'm like, okay, I can get through this? It'll be a couple, like, you know, a couple days of withdrawal, but can you get through it? And then I would always end up drinking. But, you know, it was that mindset, too, of, and I knew

I couldn't get sober alone. That's why I ended up going to therapy. I needed help, real help and you know someone I could really talk to and go to and just you know get on the medicine that I needed to get on because without that I don't think I would have gotten sober I don't think I would have I just don't and also you know secluding myself to Chicago and leaving the place that got me sick yeah and I really did say Chicago was my rehab and I because I was all by myself I didn't have a choice it was like what am I going to I because I was was going to die. Yeah.

If I would have kept going down the rabbit hole I was going with the drinking and just got progressively worse over time, I, I wouldn't be here. Something bad would have happened or I would have drank too much this time or who knows. The possibilities are endless. But, yeah, getting sober was the best thing I have ever done for myself. And I, you know, now I, because of my sobriety, I have an amazing job on the radio. I'm on a talk show every day.

I still work at the brewery that I worked at when I was 22. A lot of the same coworkers, but they can see the difference. They used to see me when I was super drunk. And now they're like, they are the most supportive people in the world. Like they just, yeah, they'll drink whatever. But like me, it's like they know and they see the changes. Like people have, and it's nice now because even people from the, music scene out here in Cleveland, they're like, you know, yeah, you used to be a hot mess,

but you really changed your life. You really turned everything around. And I'm like, yeah, it's not just I had to, but I'm glad I did because I am the happiest I've ever been in my life. Yes, it's hard. It is not easy, you know, and I still do some shows with the band every once in a while. But yeah, I mean, I just look at my life now. And it's all because I got, sober. I wouldn't chalk it up to anything else other than that. You wake up every day and you just have goals for yourself and you're not feeling like crap anymore. Yeah, I mean, that change, that changes everything when you wake up and you feel good, you know? I mean, it's starting to do it. You're not chasing the bottle anymore. You're not chasing, oh, I have to feel better in like,

alcohol would just take over your whole day and you can't accomplish anything. Yeah. And then years go by. Or for some decades go by. Yes. Same spot. Great job. Thank you, Jess, so much for jumping on here. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Thank you.

Well, there it is. Another incredible episode here on the podcast. Huge shout out to Jess. For everything she's accomplished, 20 months of sobriety, a huge turnaround in her life. I'll drop her contact information, Instagram, and that down on the show notes below. If you're enjoying the podcast, be sure to leave a review on whatever place. platform that you're listening on five stars all the way and i'll see you on the next one