Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Jen's journey began with teenage drinking to fit in, transitioned into the mommy wine culture, and ultimately led her to sobriety.

Episode Date: May 17, 2024

In this episode, Jen shares her journey with alcohol, from her early days of drinking at 15 to her decision to become sober. Growing up in a household without alcohol, Jen discusses how she turned to drinking to fit in and cope with insecurities and anxiety, leading to her involvement with party drugs during her teens. She recounts her years of putting rules around her drinking in an attempt to moderate, which didn’t work out. At times overtaken by the mommy wine culture. A turning point came after two significant events that filled her with shame and led her to seek therapy, change her lifestyle, and find a supportive sober community. Jen also shares the positive impact sobriety has had on her life, including improved confidence, being present, and enjoyment of life's moments, and hopes her story can inspire others to reconsider their relationship with alcohol. Jen's Instagram:  Sobermotivation (Brad) IG: https://www.instagram.com/sobermotivation/ 00:00 Welcome to the Sober Motivation Podcast 00:23 Jen's Childhood and Early Experiences with Alcohol 04:07 Transitioning to Adulthood: College and Work Life 05:54 Meeting Her Husband and the Party Lifestyle 08:10 The Impact of Parenthood and the Mommy Wine Culture 08:58 Reflecting on the Relationship and Alcohol's Role 14:27 The Internal Struggle with Drinking and Self-Reflection 22:04 Navigating Anxiety, Therapy, and the COVID-19 Pandemic 27:52 The Wake-Up Call: A Personal Journey to Sobriety 28:17 A Turning Point: Realizing the Need for Change 30:59 The Last Straw: A Commitment to Sobriety 33:23 Seeking Help: Therapy and Community Support 42:42 The Benefits of Sobriety: A New Perspective on Life 51:02 Reflections and Advice: Embracing a Sober Lifestyle

Welcome to Season 3 of the Sobermotivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible, inspiring, and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode, Jen shares her personal journey with alcohol, from her early days of drinking at 15 to her decision to become sober. Growing up in a household without alcohol, Jen discusses how she turned to drinking to fit

in and cope with insecurities and anxiety. leading to her involvement with party drugs during her teens. She recounts her years of putting rules around her drinking in an attempt to moderate, which didn't work out. A turning point came after two significant events that filled her with shame and led her to seek therapy, changing her lifestyle, and finding a supportive, sober community. Jen also shares the positive impact sobriety has had on her life,

including improved confidence, being present, and in the enjoyment of life's moments, and hopes her story can inspire others to reconsider their relationship with alcohol or stay on the journey. And this is Jen's story on the Sober Motivation podcast. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got Jen with us. Jen, how are you? I'm good, Brad. How are you?

I'm well. Thank you for reaching out and being willing to share your story with all of us. Yeah, thanks for having me. These stories always helped me so much when I was just starting out. So maybe someone will relate to mine. Yeah, 100%. So what was it like for you growing up? So growing up, I had a pretty good childhood.

I was an only child. Neither one of my parents drank. So I never really had liquor in the house. I never saw either one of my parents drank. But looking back at it now, I had a lot of insecurities and anxieties and something that was really hard to put your finger on until you get much older and you spend time in therapy. But I did start drinking probably about 15 years old. So I was quite young and it was just one of those things where I was trying to fit in.

And one of my friends offered me tequila. We started drinking tequila and I would drink in her room. We would pass around shots and we would do a shot, eat a pringle, get a little tipsy, get silly. go walk at fast food and then wait for my parents to pick me up and they'd have no idea. I douse myself in perfume and they had no idea or I thought they had no idea but they probably did and they didn't say anything. They really didn't like confrontation too much and there wasn't a ton of discipline going on at home either. But overall, I was a pretty good kid, an average student. But I did feel like I didn't fit in and I started to feel like I was fitting in once I,

started drinking and hanging out with the drinking crowd. And now and then into my teens, I did dabble with like some party drugs. We did a little bit of accessing. Zanix. I really liked Zanix back then, probably because I was treating my own anxieties, which I didn't realize until later. But I would say a pretty good childhood. Drinking started young, but my parents were good. I felt like I was close with them. And overall, I felt like a good kid. I felt like I was just fitting in with that group of friends that enjoyed drinking. No sports or no your story.

You tried out for the soccer team and you didn't make the team. I was that way. Everything I tried, I either didn't make the team or I tried it and was horrible at it and then quit. So, like, those were not my people. I was not, you know, into sports. I didn't watch sports. I was artsy. I didn't fit in with the really art.

kids. So I just found a group that drank and we drank and that became the hobby starting at a young age. Yeah, I can relate to that as well. Like knowing where you belong or where you fit in the world and with your peers and then you gravitate to what works, whether it's right or not right, but gravitating to what makes sense at the time. I always look back at my past as I did the best I could with what I had, with what I knew. Yeah, absolutely. That was a big part of it. So where did you grow up?

I grew up in New Jersey, about half an hour from New York City, about 40 minutes from the beach town. So right in central Jersey. There was a lot of bars and a lot of nightlife. When I was growing up, drinking age here was 21 officially. So from 15 to 21, we were just drinking at house parties. anyone's house, the street. We had parking lots we would go to.

I mean, we just did everything around drinking. And then once we hit 21, then we were hitting the bars and the clubs and experiencing that. And that was every single weekend. Whether I was sick or if I hadn't worked the next day, it did not matter. Nothing stopped us from living a party lifestyle. Yeah. So what did you do after high school? where did you go after that?

So after high school, I did go to college. I went to community college. College wasn't really pushed in my family. Looking back at now, I find that a little strange. No one even mentioned college. What am I going to do? And no one really went to college in my family either. So my dad did a trade school.

I didn't know what to do. And that decision alone was really anxiety producing for me. But I did go to community college. It was like the 13th grade. I went half the time. I did not take it seriously at all. I ended up dropping out. But I did start working for a company in New Jersey here when I was a senior in high school. So I always had that as my backup plan in my head. But I said, oh, I can make an honest living by staying there. So I did. I've been working here for a very long time throughout my year. always had a really good work ethic, and I knew that I had to take that part seriously, so nothing ever interfered with my work. But college, I did not take seriously. And I quit college twice. I attempted to go to college. I quit both times. This is my backup plan, and this is what I ended up sticking with. But my college experience was, you know, community college, not that

serious, a lot of partying after college. Yes. So you mentioned, too, in the notes you sent me before we jumped on here that you had met somebody in high school, I think it was high school when you were 18, in one way or another that helped you with, I think you mentioned earlier, party drugs that you were doing. Yeah, well, I met my husband when I was 18. So right out of college, right out of high school, rather, we met. He was a party or two.

So we did a lot of partying together, but something that he, did not want me doing was ecstasy. So he put the kibosh on that. He did not want me doing that when I was hanging out with him or at all. And that was something that I just stopped. Drinking was more my thing. I enjoyed that more. The ecstasy thing, it was like a real short, little late time, but under a year, but me and my friends were doing it quite often. I mean, we were taking a pill and going to the movies. I mean, who does that on ecstasy? But we would take a Hill and be at the beach with our friends. We did it all the time. But that was something that luckily I was able to just stop, put that part behind me. But my husband and I, we did do a lot of drinking

together. I met when I was 18. He was 20. He was in a band. So we're going to a lot of shows, these underground shows and basements and a lot of people are drinking. In that scene, a lot of people were straight at, so they were either not drinking at all. no drugs, no smoking, and then the other side of the point was, you're either doing it a ton. And I looked at those straight-edge people, like they were really boring, but now I'm thinking, like, wow, they really had the right idea of what willpower to be straight-edge at that age, too, but they were. And I thought it was so boring. I almost mocked it, you know, what are they doing? You know, you're like, so corny. What are you doing on the weekends when really they were, they're doing

what I'm doing now. They're probably drinking a lot of and still doing all the things that they enjoy, but just without alcohol. But yeah, so my husband helped me with that, but my husband and I did a ton of partying as well. And we really,

we grew up together, but drinking was always a part of our life. So when we got our first apartment, we're hosting parties at our apartment. We're having beer tastings. Everyone is coming over and we're partying. We still have our jobs. We're still doing everything that we need to do.

We're just drinking all the time. We have a kid at 31 years old. I was 31. He was 33. And we took a little break from getting trashed all the time. But then I fell into the mommy wine culture, which we hear so often. I retired the beers and then I started drinking wine. And it was my way to treat myself after working so hard between my job and between having a newborn.

And so we really did grow up together and our drinking really escalated together, even though we looked like we had it all together. Yeah, a very common story for a lot of people, right, is to where looking from the outside, yeah, it looks like things are together. We just skipped a lot of space there. We went from 18 to 31. That's how do things look in between here, and especially with you mentioning too, your relationship is built. I'm sure on other things as well, but your desire to party together in those dynamics there, how does that work moving forward? Is there ever friction in that area of you guys drinking all the time? And then I imagine on the flip side of that is you don't feel well. And I'm just wondering

if that caused anything in the relationship or other areas of your life. Yeah. So our drinking was definitely problematic during that time. And I didn't see it because I felt like every everybody else was doing it too. Everybody that we're hanging out with were all that same age in our 20s, having fun, blacking out, waking up the next day, not remembering. I would remember that maybe my husband and I thought, but I'd have no idea about what. I would just wake up feeling like, oh, I think I'm mad at him. Well, then have to ask him, what happened last night? We put the pieces back together. And then ultimately, neither one of us remember what we were in fighting about. So we had to move on. But we had some big blowout argument when we were drinking about nothing,

nothing at all, total miscommunications where I would say something or I would assume something. He would get defensive and we would argue. So we did have a tumultuous relationship, especially in our early 20s. We even did break up, we broke up, got back together after 10 months. And a lot of our argument, if we took alcohol away, probably would have. exist. It just caused so much issues for us that were imaginary. We couldn't even remember what we were arguing about the following morning. But throughout that, the hangover goes away, and then you feel better the next day. And it's Monday and you're back to work. And we are growing up together. I'm cooking dinners and keeping a really tidy apartment. And we are growing up and doing all those

things that people do, well, we're just having some wild weekends during that time. Some were fun. We did have some fun times, but then a lot of them were bad, where I started to feel a lot of shame, probably around, like in my late 20s, I started to maybe question my drinking a bit, where I don't think he really was, but I was, I wasn't saying anything. I was looking around and seeing what everyone else was doing or how everyone else felt the next day. I was a lot of comparison there. And I felt like the people that I was surrounded with, I was not doing anything different. If anything, I felt like I had a leg up on it because we did have good jobs and we were in overall a steady relationship. I saw where some friends were maybe getting to UI's or

maybe someone went to jail. We didn't experience that. There was no rock bottom. So I felt still at that time, even though I started questioning it, I felt like this was all normal. This was just all normal. It would end maybe when we got our own house or maybe when we had a child. I thought it would just dissipate. I didn't think that it would progress, which kind of crazy to think drinking really doesn't slow down. But at that time, I really didn't understand. I thought it was something I had control over and that we would just get serious when we had a kid. So from 18 to 31, it was just a lot of that. We dated for a really long time.

We got married on our nine-year anniversary. So it was just a lot of good times and some rocky ones in between all maintaining jobs and saving for a house and doing those adult things at the same time. Yeah, so much good stuff there to what you just mentioned too, right? It's like that measuring stick that we put out there about other people have got the, these things going on. And if we aren't there yet, then there's nothing to see here. Then there's no problem here. I think that's a very common tale. I think it's a thing for me anyway, I would use that as a reason to keep going. Yeah. I'm not there yet. And then too, like your belief of, hey, this is just for a season. And then when this comes into our life or we buy the house or

we have a child, then we're going to flip that switch of how we're operating. And I think about when I was going through it, it was very believable. I believed it. Yeah, if I got that right job, or that right girlfriend or this went right. Yeah, of course, somebody else would come in and change me or these other situations. And there were things that happened like that. But when I reflect back, I was only able to really keep it at bay for a little while before things took back over because there was no fundamental change on my part. And I wasn't being actually honest about how maybe big the problem was. So I can really relate to you on that.

I know a lot of other people can too. we get stuck in that cycle of just the way it is and everybody's doing it. And then I chose my friends wisely. I chose friends that were going to be okay with the behavior. And at times I would cross pass with people that weren't and they would be short-lived relationships. I'd be like, oh, screw so and so because they just don't want to party. And it was like, no, because they just don't want to get in a lot of trouble or they just

don't want the madness. So it's a really good point there. So you go through that and things are fairly together. Interesting point to you make those about the shame starts to creep in to your life, right? About drinking. How does that look? Is this just like an internal conversation you have with yourself? Yeah.

So it's all internal. I'm just waking up hungover saying, what am I doing? I'm too old for this shit. And I'm in my early 30s at that time. I'm like, I have to stop doing this. and I would tell myself that I have to be a better drinker. And I hear this sometimes with other people, but I really thought it was me.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just stop? Why am I getting so blackout? Well, because I'm drinking out of the wall that's addicting and I'm chasing the buzz. Hello, of course I can't just stop. But in my head, I would beat myself up so bad in this circle of shame that it was mindful. You know, why can't drink like so and so? When we leave in the restaurant, there's three on the table from them, but I have six. I mean, even three sounds like a lot, but, you know, I would be the over-drinker of everyone. I'm drinking the fastest. I'm looking to catch that buzz. I would not drink if I can just have one. Like I would feel that would be pointless. I would need to drink as much as I could in a short amount of time to catch that buzz and then to maintain that buzz. But I tried so hard. to meet these rules for myself during this time. We'll drink one water in between or don't drink

wine at weddings because wine I drink really fast. But then I would drink the beer and I would drink it fast. Then I'd get blackout or fall down. So during this time, I'm trying to figure out the rules that will stick for me. And it's a really long time of thinking it in my head but not saying anything out loud until I hit about 40. And that's when things really progress. I can tell you all about what happened and the parties I went to and what happened and how I embarrassed myself in front of my son. But for that time leading up to it, it was just me. Maybe my husband, maybe I would say to him, did I get really embarrassing last night? Did I get too drunk? And the answer would always be the same. I didn't think you were that bad. That's what everyone did.

said, I never really embarrassed myself or maybe I was just spending a long time around other people that were just drunk so they didn't remember either. But, you know, I felt like I'm still just doing what everybody else is doing. And I didn't hit that wrong bottom. In my head, it was either all or nothing. You're an alcoholic and you have to go to AA or you're just doing what everyone else is doing. And maybe you just need to pump the brakes a little bit so you're don't feel like complete crap the very next day. So my 30s, the whole entire decade of my 30s is me fighting myself on this. Well, I'm not an alcoholic, but, you know, I did black out. I don't remember anything for the night before. And then it gets tricky because I have my son at 31.

So he's getting older as I'm questioning myself. And then he starts to get old enough to pick up on things. And that's when it really started to get to. That's when things started changing. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that too. During that time, did you ever think about quitting? Was that a scary thought that ever came to mind or no? Honestly, I hate to admit, but it really never came to mind to quit. I remember my friend, she was single and she was going on the dating apps looking at God who said, she's, oh, I really like this guy, but he doesn't drink. And I remember telling her, like, that's a drink, what are you going to do with them then? It seemed foreign to me because dreaming

became, I used to tell people that drinking was my hobby and it's a very like funny ha ha thing when someone like me says it was the class mom and I'm with my son 24-7 and this is my way to relax and reward myself to go out with my girlfriends to a winery or to go out to happy hour after work because I do so much during the day, right? This was me telling myself that this is my reward. So it seems, in my head, I couldn't imagine taking that away. This is the only thing I do for myself. When the weather's nice, I want to sit outside and I want to drink. But the weather's crappy, I'm bummed that it's crappy, so I might want to have a drink. During COVID, what's there to do? But drink. So I could not imagine taking it away. I could not. I tried to retrain my brain. with a dry January of 2021, I think I did it. And I did it. It was amazing. I felt great when I was counting down to February 1st.

So it did not do anything to the mental aspect of it. I just, I needed something more to make the change, which, of course, I can get into. Yeah, for sure. You mentioned her a little bit back in the talk here about, I think you're talking about the talk about the ecstasy and the party drugs that that was relatively maybe not easy, but you left it behind or maybe it was easier than the alcohol or your situation there because you really enjoyed drinking. And in my story, too, yeah, we had a lot. We had a ton of fun. Like, I got to come out of my shell and talk to girls and be invited to stuff. I never would have been invited to and was a part of a

community of people and stuff that I had never done. So it was like a ton of fun. But I always say until it wasn't until it wasn't and that that sort of honeymoon phase of alcohol being a part of my life was gone and over with and then I obviously I think a lot of us go through the same cycle a lot of people go through the same cycle there are some people I've heard who didn't really enjoy it from the beginning but kept on but we go through that cycle it's serving some sort of purpose in our life it's providing us something right even as we look back writing you mentioned there too you never even thought about not drinking, right? And that's like a lot of people's stories, right? We never could picture a life without drinking because it had just become part of our identity, right?

And it's so interesting, too, when you share the moderation hacks about have water in between. And I mean, there's so many. But I think for those of us that are going after that feeling, the water in between is only going to get in between us and what we're going for. So it's like for me, I mean, I tried all the different stuff. You could ever drum up. But when I reflect back on it now, I was like, well, but all that other stuff was just getting in the way and I would just get really pissed off. This is ridiculous because this is just driving me bananas.

So let's just get to what we came for. And you talk about that. And I'm interested about that. What was it that you enjoyed about drinking? And maybe a different way to ask is, what was it providing for your life and helping you out with even further down the road when you started to maybe not experience the external consequences. You're not in the back of a cop car. You're not losing the apartment. You're not losing a lot of stuff. But inside, I would guess that you're really feeling a tug of war going on here.

Yeah. I love that hit of dopamine. I got just thinking about drinking, waiting for the wine to come to my table, just going to a brewery, just knowing that I was going that there was alcohol available. I would just automatically feel relaxed. I have a lot of lot of anxieties, a lot. And that goes into part of it too. I started treating my anxiety with therapy and Lexapro, which doesn't mix with drinking as I learned. I had so much anxiety that was untreated at that time that I'm looking back now. I was treating it with alcohol. And the alcohol would make me feel relaxed. And it would just put me somewhere else. It would just make me feel like, I don't know, it just lifted the weight off of my shoulders. It also gave me,

like, instant a long time almost for like when I was home with my family. If I was drinking and cooking, like it was just me doing my thing. No one bothered me. Drinking, reading a book, not realizing that I can do all these things and drink tea or watch a show. You know, this is all what I do now. When I was drinking, that was like my outlet. I didn't have a hobby. I didn't follow sports. I didn't do any crafting regularly. To me, it was just drinking. That was how I relaxed, which is really insane when you think about it because it did the opposite for me. Like it relaxed me for maybe half an hour, 40 minutes. And then all hell broke loose. I didn't know how the night was going to be. I didn't know how the night was going to. end, the next day I would feel horrible, physically, mentally, have that wave of shame. But, man, it tricked me so much. That 40 minutes of feeling good I really paid the price for. But that's all that I wanted.

That's all that I wanted on any given day that I was going to drink would be that 40-minute, you know, hit of dopamine. But, you know, ultimately, I think it was numbing or quiet. a lot of my anxiety that I had about everything. I had health anxiety where I would think I was having a heart attack or, you know, my head hurts. Is it a brain tumor? But yet I didn't mind putting alcohol into my system. That's another story. But, you know, I had health anxiety. And then I had anxiety about my child, his health, everything. You know, my good mother. I mean, my mind just was constantly going, mostly irrational fears, but it just, it did not stop. And I think the alcohol kept those thoughts down a little bit for me, and I really enjoyed that.

But unfortunately, the drinking doesn't slow down after time. So I go from partying in my youths being a weekend drinker to now I'm drinking maybe one day a week and the weekend. To now I'm in my 30s, rather, drinking weekends, definitely. Our Friday. I love drinking on a Friday, Saturday, and a Sunday, which I set myself off through failure on Monday because I always feel like crap, but I had the Sunday scaries. And then once COVID hit when I'm in my late 30s, now we're home. We don't know what's going on. I'm anxious about that. And now I'm drinking definitely a lot more because I'm working from home. And so nobody knows if I have a hangover the next day. So it definitely increased going to my late 20s as well.

whole time though, I'm just numbing anxieties, I believe. I mean, if I'm looking back now, that's what I think that it was. Yeah, to get some relief, because I'm with you on that too. It's like that big buildup. I remember building it up in my head to get that next drink and then you get it. I was so disappointed, though, so often. Yeah. Because it never was what it once was. And I seem to be so attached to the way it used to be.

And it never was like that again. It was always that thing, like you mentioned there, when I started, I didn't know when I was going to stop. I mean, most of the times it was, it was all right. But, you know, there were also those times, too, where you just lose a handle on things and you don't know what that happened or how things went down. But definitely that relief. And then like you mentioned too there, I think it is really, really important too, is that you're looking at it as a self-medication for anxiety and maybe overthinking or just thinking about a lot of stuff. alcohol just quietes it all down. But then the next day, you mentioned it right, about the anxiety is just 100x. Everything is just exploded. You got those 30, 40 minutes, but you said it really well,

like you paid for it with a lot more time than that. So during COVID, things pick up, right? This is a, I mean, this is a very common theme here on the show. Yeah. Everything switched on us overnight. And we were at home and there was a lot of downtime. There wasn't going into the office and stuff and things changed. So this was an accelerator for you as far as your drinking went. Yeah, definitely. Prior to COVID, I started Lexapro for my anxiety. So I thought I could drink on it. Nothing really changed too much when I did start taking it. But then around the time of COVID, I did start drinking a bit more. My husband was working out of the home. So it was just me and my son. I'm his teacher. I'm working full time. It just was a lot. And this was my escape. I noticed I started

blacking out a lot more or browning out even. I would have a full conversation with my husband. The next day, I have no idea what we talk about. We would watch a show, watch a couple episodes every single night. The next night we go to watch it and I'm lost. And he would remind me, Jen, this happened last night. I had no idea. And that really, really started scaring me when I'm doing this in my home. I'm not a 21-year-old partying in New York City with a bunch of friends and half of us are blacking out. Not that that's okay, but I'm in my home with my small child and I'm blacking out on a Tuesday. That really made me question my drinking as a whole. During that time, about two years ago, when I started glokeling,

Do I have an alcohol problem? Am I an alcoholic? And in my heart, I really didn't feel like I was. I still was telling myself, you know, I just got to get better at drinking. You have to figure out, you know, a right balance. So I remember my good friend was having a party. She, 39 years old cancer survivor, so we were having a party for her being cancer free. And I decorated it for her. I was supposed to take everything down. I was really helping out planning the whole entire thing. I was really excited about it, a little nervous going into it. It felt like with a lot of pressure had to make it perfect for her. I started drinking white wine, my poison, and it got to the end of the night. I'm drinking heavily purposely not eating because I feel like I want to maintain my beds. I feel like I'll eat later. Not now.

I'm having too much fun. I'll only dance when I'm drinking. And I wanted to dance, wanted to feel good. end of the night, there was pictures of me just drinking out of the bottle and had people like, oh, I like your style, just teasing. But, you know, what they didn't know was I'm in a blackout. I had no recollection of the end of the night. I did not take any of the decorations down. Someone else did. They put everything in my car. I did not drive home. I got a ride home. The person that dropped me off had to walk me to my door. Couldn't get my key in the door.

I'm holding trays of food. It went all over me. There's a ring doorbell video of it. It's not a cute luck. My husband and my son were inside. And I'm sitting next to my son on the couch. And he's like, why are you making that weird noise? I didn't realize what I was doing, but I was about to vomit. So I vomited in front of my son, who was probably about nine at the time, scarred him.

He hates throw up. Doesn't want to see his mother sick. But here I am thrown up all over the couch. I am mumbling nonsense talk. I'm totally blacked out. I wake up the next day, put the pieces of it together, and I'm just mortified. I look him in the eyes and I tell him, I said, Austin, I will never do that again. I said, I promise, things are going to change. I cannot do that anymore. And it was a lot of leading up to that of me questioning myself anyhow. So I thought that was it. This has to be it, right? The shame that I felt is you're just the most

horriblest mom in the world, which I know that isn't true, but it just really got me good. But about a month later, we're having a Labor Day party at home, family and friends over. I'm doing crafts with the kids. I'm the hostess with the most. I got the charcutory board out. I'm doing crafts.

We're having a lovely time. I will not drink wine, though. That's my rule from after. this party. I will not drink wine. So I start drinking beer, but I have a lot of different people at this party. I'm nervous. Not everyone's going to talk. I have to be the hostess. I got to get everyone talking. So I got to loosen up. So I have to drink. And I start drinking a good amount of beer purposely looking for the highest alcohol content because I wanted the most bang for my buck. But that night would turn into another blackout. And my son woke me up from the black

out. It was about 9.30 p.m. People are still over our house. And apparently I left the party. I went into my room. I laid on my bed. I vomited in a blackout. Had no idea. My son came in, woke me up. I wake up. I'm confused. I think it's 5 o'clock in the morning. I can't figure out how long I was laying there for. And I have dried throw up on me. So luckily, I wasn't laying on my back. Luckily, I did get up. I stumble out of there. The kids are looking at me. They're scared. I mean, literally two hours prior, I'm doing crafts with them at a craft table. And that's when I told myself, I have to stop drinking. And that was my last time drinking. That was September 4th, 2020. I woke up the next day, and I immediately knew I had to stop. It just, it hit me. I said, I can't moderate. I can't moderate. These

rules are trash. I'm making these rules for myself. I'm not following them. Like you said, I'm getting to that point. I'm getting drunk. No matter what the rule is, I'm blacking out. No matter what rule, I don't follow rules when I'm drunk. I don't know why I would think that I would. I have good intention when it's one or two drinks, but if I have six, my husband couldn't even tell me or remind me about these rules because I'd get pissed off at them. So I told myself right then and there that next morning. I said, Austin, I'm very sorry. I know I said this before. I said, but it's different. I immediately started searching for a new therapist. I had stopped going to therapy a couple years prior. I found a new therapist who works with addiction as well. Luckily, I was able to get in

with her like three days later. I just laid it all out for her. And then that's when I type sober on my phone. And I found sober Instagram, sober communities. I got this naked mine. I ordered that. And I just dove in. And that's really what started it for me, realizing that there's this whole other life out there, that you don't have to hit a rock bottom to get sober. I still enjoy all the things I used to do. It took a while of building up that confidence. But, you know, it's just a whole new world now on this other side. But that was, that's what made me make the change, was those two occasions over the summer of 2022. Yeah. Wow, that's heavy. And you mentioned there too, like you don't have to hit a rock bottom and stuff, but it was quite rocky for you. It sounds like Jen, it was quite rocky with how

things played out. And I mean, not like in a bad way, but it's just sometimes that's maybe situations that have to go on so that we can really see alcohol in our relationship with it for what it is, right, is we just try these things over and over again. And I think that's a great example there too, where you set up these rules and maybe we invite other people. You mentioned your husband, would mention stuff. And it all goes out the window once the alcohol starts flowing. And it just doesn't work out. And that's great. You said you had a therapist before that. Did you and your previous therapist ever talk about the alcohol? And I'm wondering, too with the prescription and everything that if it was a psychiatrist or something, did they ever

ask you about alcohol or anything like that? So I had broke up with my prior therapist. I just felt like we hit a roadblock. I had her from my early 20s to talk through a lot of anxiety issues. And I really did do pretty well with my anxiety. I felt like I was. So I broke up with her. I wasn't seeing anyone. And then I went to my regular family doctor for the anxiety medicine. So he prescribed me the lexapro. I was not with a therapist probably the last six years or so. But between being a newish mom, I was struggling a lot, probably up until he was about four or five is when I finally started with a different therapist. Same thing happened. Run its course. I started the lexopro. I was feeling great. I felt like, I don't need her anymore. Drinking really never got brought up.

Data Nance, I didn't tell. It was one of those things where she was blaming my anxiety on some family things. That's another story, but also I listen to a lot of true crime podcast. So she's, I think you have to lay off the podcast. It's making you very anxious. Meanwhile, it's a bit more than that. I wasn't being completely honest about me drinking as well. I don't think she ever reacts, But even with my regular doctor, you go for those physicals and he asked if you're drinking and I would say, yeah, socially. But my social drinking was blacking out. But I didn't lie. I was drinking socially.

But didn't get into specifics with him. I definitely think it contributed to the blacking out because even in my youth, my early 20s, we did a ton of drinking. I don't think I was blacking out like I was more recently leading up to me quitting altogether. It was getting scary where most of my drinking more recently was at home. I'm not really going out. So I was in a safe environment, but it's just really scary to think about the lacking out to even possible. I mean, I'd have no recollection of anything. I was really scary, having a kid, having two tongs. Luckily, my husband was here. He was a drinker too. It was more my thing than his.

But I do want to add that when I woke up that following day after the party at our house, my husband said, well, I think I'll quit with you. I'll do that to support you at least for now. He thought maybe it would be a couple weeks. But I do want to say that we both have the same sober date. So my husband, he also stopped at the same time as me, which is pretty awesome. So we have 620-something days. Yeah, so it's really nice having the support of him, which,

was huge. I don't know if I'd be able to do it. I guess I would, but it made it a heck of a lot easier having him quit at the same time as me. Yeah, wow, that's so cool. So you go into meet with this therapist. This is a new therapist you've never met before. And you said something to the effect of you laid it all out on the line. You shared everything here. Do you get the support that maybe you've been looking for in other circles in this meeting? Yeah, yeah, I felt really good. I told her about the party. I told her about throwing up in front of my son.

I just told her everything. And I said, do you think I should go to meetings? What do you think? And she's honestly, if you want who you can. She's, I don't think you have to. She's like, why don't we just meet once a week and set little goals for yourself? So that weekend, we had a hockey tournament, my son please travel hockey, which is a lot of drinking, believe it or not. The parents, they do a lot of partying at these things.

So she said, don't drink this weekend. And then we're going to talk on Tuesday. Let's see how you do. And so every single time I met with her, I was like, no, I didn't drink. I got one week. I got two weeks. I got three weeks. And I was feeling really good.

I mean, it wasn't easy, but I was feeling good. I was feeling really confident. So she told me, let's just keep doing that. I don't so much need to go to meetings. if I don't want, but she was amazing. I still see her. Now we're like at every two weeks or three weeks we talk about. Now we're diving into like childhood stuff, not so much of the drinking stuff, but she's, yeah, she's really great. I mean, she was just so validating to hear. It's not you. It's alcohol. It's these rules you're setting for yourself aren't going to change. It's an addictive

substance. Of course you want it. Your brain is wired for it now. So it just felt good getting the facts about it. And that's also something that I got a lot from other podcasts or books that I was also diving into at that time. So I really started to educate myself about alcohol and what it does to you in general, which really wasn't even something that I thought about, which is insane to me now that I've learned as much as I learned. But I can't believe it. It's I don't want to eat certain things. I want to take care of myself. But then I'm, you know, downing a bottle or two of wine. Like on any given day, it's just, it's wild to me. But yeah, she was great.

Yeah, that's incredible. And I think that it's so glamorized, right, in our cultures. You see it on the billboards, all the celebrities, they either have a brand or they promote a brand. You see it on all the sporting events. You see the nice bottles, great attractive packaging, and it's in the center of the grocery stores. It's in every store. That's why I think when we do figure out. out. We've been really fooled on this in a sense. And then you get those answers to why you keep going back.

Yeah. And why things aren't working out. Yeah. I mean, that's just the design of it. And when you're drinking, you don't realize it. The billboards and everything, it's just so normal. It's just part of everyday life. And then when you're away from it and you're not drinking, now I really see it's everywhere. I mean, they just put a bar in the rink that my son plays hockey in. All the parents are drinking at the practice and the games. then I would be right up there with them if this was two, three years ago. I never thought about it or viewed it the way that I do now, especially the mommy wine culture thing, is just insane to me. It's, oh, you're stressed out, you're a mom, here's mommy juice.

And you fall for that. You think it's cute. It makes it okay. You go to a play date. You bring this mommy juice. It's funny. We're all drinking together. But then I'm leaving that party and then I'm going home

and then looking another bottle. Maybe they aren't. Maybe they can just have a few at moon. I can't. I'm done for the night. And it's just not something that we were talking about. Or I would ask my friends, hey, do your kids mention that you talk funny or they think that you're drunk? And they'd be like, no. Or if they did, they'd say, yeah, but I'm the mom. This is my time to relax. And it makes it feel okay and looking bad. It just wasn't okay for me. Maybe that is okay for some people. Maybe it's not to the extent as it was for me, but the shame I felt around, it killed me on the inside. It just wasn't the type of mom that I was and I knew something had to give. Yeah, well, I'm happy it did. Yeah. It sounds like you are too. Heck yeah. Yeah. Okay, so what things have changed for you since,

I mean, 600 plus days ago, how have things changed for you and what do things look like for you now and throughout those 600 days? Wow, that's a loaded question because it wasn't always easy. On the beginning, I tried to steer clear of certain things I thought would maybe be triggering. I still have the same group of friends. They're still having their birthday parties at bars. And so maybe I would just drop in. So in the beginning, maybe I wasn't a social. I really needed to protect my peace.

But once I started figuring things out, I noticed so many benefits. My number one benefit, I'd have to say, is I feel like I've been gifted time. When you have a kid, I know you have a few kids, I just have one. Everyone says, oh, the childhood goes so fast. Time is fleeting. And yeah, it is when I'm in bed till 2 p.m. every single day on the weekend. Now we wake up early. I'm bright-eyed bushy-tail, even if I don't sleep good.

not sleeping good and being tired is a whole different ballgame than be hung over and tired because I'd be out. I wouldn't be able to function. So I feel like I've been given so much more time. My weekends feel longer. Doing more things with my son, doing things in the early morning. That to me is the number one benefit besides other stuff, like maybe keeping a little bit of weight off and my skin is so clear because I take care of my skin now because I'm not passed out. So at night, I take off my makeup and I have a routine. So there's that aspect of it too. I'm also realizing it took a while,

but I enjoy everything that I used to enjoy without drinking. It's funner. I love going to see bands play now. I remember the whole set. I don't have to worry about driving home. I don't feel like crap the next day, even if I get in late. And it really took a while for me to realize

that drinking is not enhancing anything. I always thought that it did. I thought no matter what I did, it would be better if we were drinking, like my son's game, or going for a hike or doing anything. I wanted to always have like a Yeti with some alcohol. And what I realized was that I do all of the same things that I used to do that I thought were only enjoyable because I was drinking. I do them all completely sober now, and it's just, it's so much better to be 100% present. And that to me is just, you can't put a price tag on that. That is what makes me feel like this is the right decision for me and that I will always stick with it. It's just like a whole new role now. It's confident building to go to a wedding and not drink where weddings used to make me anxious and I felt like I had to drink and I had to pre-drink before I started drinking at the wedding. And now I just, I go and I have fun and I'm fully present and I eat all those wine calories for dessert. I love ice cream, nothing I quit drinking. And I'm just, I don't know, it's just like a pure feeling just of living life without that cloudiness.

Yeah, that's beautiful. I love those benefits. I'm with you too on the ice cream. Oh, I can't stop. What do you feel has changed on the inside with how you feel about yourself or how you think about yourself or that stuff that's a little bit deeper internally? I'm so much more confident than I ever was. Just an example, I started a new position at work, maybe two months ago. I had started this position when I was drinking, and I had a lot of imposter syndrome. I felt like I couldn't do it. I went back to my old job, which I'm able to do in this position.

But I left this promotion. I felt I'm not good enough. I can't do it. I'm doing it now, almost two years over, total different ballgame. and not saying it's all because of drinking, but it's just I have this new level of confidence now because I did something, to me, this is so bad ass to use alcohol as a crutch for so long,

most of your life, and to think that you can never, ever take that away, and you do it. I mean, anyone who's done it knows that feeling, it's just so freaking empowering. I compare it to, childbirth. I had natural childbirth with my son, not because I wanted to, because I didn't want the drugs. I didn't want to feel anything, but it didn't work out that way. So I had completely natural

childbirth with him, and then afterwards I felt so empowered. I'm a girl that's afraid of needles, but yet I had a kid with no drugs. It's like that same type of empowerment, like something that you never thought you could do. You're doing it. And not only that, but you're killing it. Like you're enjoying life, you're happier overall. And I've had some struggles during that time. I had some unexpected health issues. I needed surgery. So I had some crappy things happened during that time. But that just reinforces it even more. I'm able to get through all these really stressful things without relying on that crutch. It's just to me, that's the biggest benefit of it is how I feel on the inside, how confident it has made me in myself. I just feel like I'm truly.

myself now. When you see me out, that's my personality. I'm pretty social and I'm pretty funny. I'm definitely an introvert. But when I'm out, I'm totally extroverted talking to everyone. I never thought that was me. I always thought I had to have alcohol to be that person. But now it's just me. The alcohol is just dampening my spirit and making me sick and blacked out. That's the only thing I got from it. And that little 40 minute buzz that we talked about. Yeah, it's quite the tradeoff just for the 40 minute buzz, right? I love that confidence that you're experiencing and a lot of people share that too, right? I mean, it makes a whole lot of sense, right, too, because we wake up. Yeah. And being able to spend time and do stuff we like and just do all

of that. Remember what happened. And it just feels so much better. But I also appreciate that too of the hard times on 600 days, right? Life keeps going. Getting sober doesn't just prevent difficult things from happening or struggles from happening. But I do find that we have the ability to work through things definitely our perception and perspective on things definitely change. Resilience changes. We start to build some. When I look at my addiction, I wasn't resilient at all. I couldn't work through the smallest of things. I didn't have the tools to work through any disappointment and anything. And now it's honestly, a lot of stuff can come at us. And since we have this journey of sobriety under us, we truly believe, I think, a lot of the time that we can really

do anything and we can get through anything because this thing had us and we were able to find a way out of that. So I love that story. Yeah, 100%. I mean, I'm still on therapy. I'm still on life's a pro. I'm still doing all those things because the anxiety and those feelings don't miraculously go away. But it's just a whole different ballgame of being able to face them head on and not escape to drinking and that feeling. So yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, a great feeling. And I just, I don't know, it's not something that I think about a ton anymore from being honest with you now that I am over 600 days. I don't look at my counter and I don't really think about it too much, but I still love hearing everyone's stories. I love listening to

the podcast still. And then it does make you reflect on your own. And you just got to give yourself a pat on the back. If anyone's doing it, whether one day and you're listening to the podcast or you're 20 years and listening to the podcast, you're doing a work. You're doing a word. were and you're reaching out. I mean, just typing in sober on Instagram or TikTok and pulling up videos, you're viewing it in a different way, which can catapult you into a major change. It's it for me. I feel like the stars aligned a bit for me with finding everything, the community that I found and the podcast and the books, but it was a long time coming. I mean, it really was probably 10 years of feeling shame. So it seems like it was overnight, just all of a sudden, but it was a long time

coming. Yeah, it's a good feeling. Yeah, I'm with you. A lot of work behind the scenes. Before we sign off, Jen, is there anything else you want to share with everyone? Just that I'm proud of you if you're listening to this. If you're listening to the podcast and you're contemplating, you know, you're drinking, whether you have a story like mine or many of the others that are on the podcast, I'm just proud of you for reevaluating it. I think that, especially if you're listening to this podcast, you know that there's different types of drinkers. Not everyone's going to hit the major rock bottom. Or for me, I'd say, I didn't hit a rock bottom.

But Brad, you're saying that was pretty bottom. What I went through? And it was. But, you know, everyone has a different situation. And if you're reevaluating your relationship with alcohol and you're here, I'm proud of you. That's incredible. It's interesting, too, with the bottoms. I always look at this thing, right?

because even though a lot of people do hit maybe something that might be a lot, right? We'll say, my goodness, that's definitely a bottom, right? A lot of people say the bottoms have basements and it keep digging. My question to people always is, what's it going to take? Yeah. If you're already at a rocky spot, it's take a step back and reflect, okay, if this just happened in your life or if something's just happened in your life that you're a little bit concerned about, and this isn't going to prompt us to make change.

What the heck are we waiting for? It's a good reflection tool to say, and even in your story and like my story, it was a ton of stuff to happen. But it would be like if that's not going to be it, what am I waiting for it to happen? What is going to have to happen in my life and my story for me to decide that enough is enough? It's never going to change unless I do. And I've got to take back control my life and get some help. And that's a million dollar question for people that are going through this, right? Right.

What is it going to take? You know, and everybody has their different experience, right? Everybody has their different things and it hits us different. I think a lot of the feelings are associated the same, right? Whether it's a DUI impaired driving or something, that's going to be, you're going to feel shame, situations that you went through, shame, situations I went through. Different things triggered it, but we all come back to those same human emotions that we experience. And I'm really encouraged, though, Jen. I'm really encouraged that a lot of people are getting off this train before this thing just the rails completely. lately. And I love that because it's just so beautiful to see, especially with your story, 600 days into this and so many other stories about how things change for people and you start to get that inner piece. And I think that's what maybe some of us were looking after by drinking. And we never found it. Yeah. Yeah, it's possible. It's there. You can even find it without the alcohol. Well, that was the answer for me. But yeah, I love that. Like, you don't have to take the train. Well, you could get off the train at any time. And that is something I don't think I realize.

But then what are you waiting for? Are your train to crash? What if I was laying on my back when I threw up? What if I choked on that? I think about what if it could have been so much worse. Someone else's rock bottom could happen to any one of us at any given time. So yeah, you don't have to take the elevator all the way down. But you could get off at any time. Yes. Yes, I love that. Thank you so much, Jen. Thanks, Brad. Thanks for having me. I really appreciate all that you do at the podcast.

You do an amazing job. One of my favorite podcasts to listen to. And I hear myself and so many different guests that you have. Every single story, there's something that resonates with me. But thank you. Beautiful. Well, thank you for the support. How's it going, everyone?

Thank you again for checking out this incredible episode. I'll drop Jen's Instagram channel down in the show notes below. So you can reach out to her if you were able to connect with any parts of her story. What an incredible journey at 600 days. A story that I feel a lot of us can relate to in one way or another. We tried to make it work. And at the end of the day, we realized it just wasn't going to work. And I was left thinking after that episode about the rock bottom and about bottoming out and about changing after that.

And I think the reality is this. If you haven't hit a rock bottom or what some make. consider as a rock bottom. Even if you do, it's not a straight line to sobriety. Like a lot of people blow out all four tires on the highway. I was probably one of them at one point in time. And you still can be stuck in the denial that nothing is wrong. And I always pitch this question when people are wondering about, do I have a problem? Do I not have a problem? Well, I mean, just look at what's going on in your life and ask yourself the question about what are you waiting for to happen before you make the change?

And then if that thing does happen, how can you convince yourself and guarantee to yourself that the change is going to happen? Because what I've seen time and time again is when people have all four tires blow out on the highway and the consequences are extreme, it still can be a challenge. because now you have that as well to try to work through. And a lot of us that are struggling with this drinking or drugs or whatever it is, we don't really have those skills to work through these heavy, heavy situations. Our way of coping with the world and our feelings is drinking or using drugs.

So keep that in mind. And I think what she said at the end of this episode is you don't have to wait till the elevator, you know, goes to the bottom floor before. before you get off. You can get off at any time. And I think Hillary Phelps earlier in the podcast episodes had mentioned something just like that, that she heard something like that from a friend. And that's the thing here is when you hear all these stories, we've got 150. If this is the first one you're tuning into, be sure to go and check out the other ones. You're going to pick up on a theme. A lot of people, if not everybody on the podcast tried a lot of ways to try to make this

all work, to try to keep it all together. And some people will do it for decades, some maybe five years, some decades, 30 years, 40 years. It's different each person's story. But I think what you hear at the end of them is a lot of like. We finally realized it just wasn't going to work out. And the sooner you realize that, I think the better. Thank you guys, as always. for tuning in for another episode. If you're enjoying the podcast, be sure to drop a review, a written review on Apple or Spotify,

and I'll see you on the next one.