Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Johnny saw addiction first hand growing up and swore that would never be his life until it was.

Episode Date: April 18, 2024

In this episode, we have Johnny a veteran who shares his transformative journey from growing up amidst the chaos of his brothers' addiction during the South Florida crack epidemic, to falling into his destructive cycle of substance abuse. Despite excelling in school and initially resisting the path of addiction, Johnny's experimentation with alcohol in middle school eventually led to a spiral of drug use, including cocaine, opioids, and heroin. After experiencing homelessness, multiple overdoses, and the tragic loss of his brother, a moment in an abandoned apartment in Austin, Texas, led Johnny to seek recovery. His sobriety journey began in March 2019, during which he faced the immense challenge of rebuilding his life, re-establishing relationships with his family, and overcoming the remnants of his troubled past. Johnny's story highlights the power of hope, the significance of self-improvement, and the impact of reaching out for help. This is Johnny’s story on the Sober Motivation podcast. Johnny on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/schreyj11/ 00:00 Welcome to the Sober Motivation Podcast 00:11 Johnny's Childhood Amidst Family Chaos 01:20 School Life and the Start of Substance Use 04:16 The Slippery Slope: College and Consequences 08:13 Military Service: A Temporary Escape 16:47 The Downward Spiral: Addiction and Homelessness 20:20 Reflections on Recovery and Rebuilding 24:12 The Dark Depths of Addiction 29:09 The Turning Point: A Glimpse of Hope 32:59 The Road to Recovery: Embracing Sobriety 41:47 Rebuilding Life: Family, Work, and Self-Discovery 47:44 A Message of Hope and Resilience

Welcome back to season three of the Suburmotivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety is possible one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode, we have Johnny, a veteran who shares his transformative journey from growing up amidst the chaos of his brother's addiction during the South Florida crack epidemic to falling into his destructive cycle of substance abuse, Despite excelling in school and initially resisting the path of addiction,

Johnny's experimentation with alcohol in middle school eventually led to a spiral of drug use, including cocaine, opioids, and heroin. After experiencing homelessness, multiple overdoses, and the tragic loss of his brother, a moment in an abandoned apartment in Austin, Texas, led Johnny to seek recovery. His sobriety journey began in March 2019, during which he faced the immense challenge of rebuilding his life, reestablishing relationships with his family and overcoming the remnants of his troubled past. Johnny's story highlights the power of hope, the significance of self-improvement, and the impact

of reaching out for help. And this is Johnny's story on the Sober Motivation podcast. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast today. We've got Johnny with us. Johnny, how are you? Good. Doing well. How are you? I'm good, man. Thanks for being willing to jump on here and share your story with all of us. Of course. So what was it like for you growing up? I had a great growing up. I did have a lot of chaos, but for me, you know, as I look back, it was always great

memories. I had two brothers that were 13 and 15 years older than me. And so I was born in 81. I grew up in the middle of the South Florida crack epidemic was hidden. Didn't know it at the time, but both of my brothers were completely addicted to crack cocaine and alcoholics as well. And it caused a lot of chaos in my family in my early years. So even though I do remember, like, my parents did a real good job, kind of like keeping me away from it.

But you couldn't keep me away from it all the time. So there was a lot of chaos as well. And I remember like thinking to myself, like, I don't know what's going on. My brothers, I didn't know what cocaine. I didn't know what alcohol. I just knew like they were addicts or alcohol. And I would never become that. That was my thing and my mentality at that point. Yeah, that is so interesting too, right? You're hearing a lot of different stories, right? A lot of people share two parents, right? You had the older brothers. So it's a little bit different in your situation. but a lot of people share that their parents struggled with addiction in one way or another. And then, yeah, you see that.

You're just like, yeah, I'll never live like that. And then down the road, we find ourselves in a tough spot. What was schooling things like for your relationships with other people? Are you getting along in that direction? Yeah, man, I did very well in school. In fact, I think I did so well that I think it was almost like enabled my behaviors. You know what I mean? I was able to do well in school and also kind of.

be like the troublemaker or I just I was high energy I was always wanting to do more no matter what it was that's how my drinking started and a lot of people they drink to fit in or or that social anxiety that really wasn't my story man I like to drink and inevitably do drugs to to get as high and as drunk as I possibly could and to just keep doing more and that was my life it's just more of everything sports more putting myself in bad situations more just yeah but school was relatively easy for me. Yeah. That's good news, man, that it was easy for you, right? It adds a whole another stressor, right? I mean, I always look back to high school. It might have been some of the hardest years of my life. I struggled with that other aspect of things of fitting in and

everything. So when you mentioned it's when it started for you drinking, like, when did you start drinking? And how did that come about? Yeah, so I was trying to remember this early, early. My and uncle had a bar attached to their house, and they listened to some of the stuff that I do now, and they probably hear this, but like, and we used to like take sips out of their liquor cabinet. When now we're young, in middle school ages. And it's funny because that's kind of my progression was always like, I never wanted to be like my brothers, right? Although they were also my heroes because they were larger than life, they were very popular or stuff,

I never, I always never wanted the chaos that came with that. But like, when I knew they were doing more than just drinking, drinking became okay. You know what I mean? It was like, okay, well, I can drink. And that went on throughout my years, dude, until inevitably, as we'll probably get into, They were just doing Cokes. I won't do that. They were smoking crack. I won't do that. They were shooting heroin. I won't do that until inevitably I was doing all of it. And I lived in a shelter with one of my brothers. But that was a long time. That was years later. But the drinking started in middle school. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. And usually at first for most people they share too that it doesn't start out necessarily problematic. I mean, being young and drinking and you know what I mean, not the greatest idea. A ton of people go through it, though. A ton of people go through it and experiment. But it doesn't start. out as a huge problem right away. Where do things progress for you? So you go through high school. I mean,

are you experiencing any consequences in your life for what you're doing? I mean, did you get it smoking pot too? That's a big thing in high school as well. Yeah, definitely smoke pot. I think I started experiencing the consequences, but they were so minimal again. But what I was looking at with other parts of my family, with my brothers and a lot of the people around me, they didn't even see my consequences. Like getting in trouble, but not really getting in too much trouble. You know what I mean? Again, not really affecting my grades so much. The consequences really didn't affect me at all. I like doing things that would get you in trouble because if people doing worse things,

it doesn't make it as bad when you're doing it. Yeah. So the consequences really didn't come from me until I went to college. I did get into a college and I went to Florida State, which is like my dream to go to Florida State. And when I didn't have any type of structure, it's hard to get graded that you don't go to school. You know what I mean? So no matter how smart I thought I was, how intelligent. and maybe I was. It didn't really matter once I'm sleeping through class and other substances

came here and started dabbling in cocaine when I was 21. GHB is a big part of my story too at that age. But then the consequences started coming. I dropped out of school. I had to move home. And that's really when my life started kind of just like it wasn't just like going like this anymore. It started to kind of gradually start sliding. Yeah. That's interesting too. Yeah, once you get into college and you kind of do what you want. There's nobody telling you what you can and can't do anymore. Come and go as you want. What did your folks think about that whole situation? Yeah, I mean, I was like the, I was like the first one to go to college, right? My brothers did like dabble in like community college and one of my brothers played sports. He was actually really good

quarterback and drugs and alcohol ended any chance of a career in that. But I was the first one I actually went like a four-year university. And so I was a baby boy, right? So my brothers are half-brothers from a different mom. And so my mom, I'm my mom's only kid. You know, so I was like, you know, the golden child for quite a while. So they weren't happy. But again, I had dealt with some more severe issues. At this point, my other brother's been in prison numerous times.

And my other brother, Scott is still just kind of sputtering through, putting some time together, but not really, not really doing much. So I still, they weren't too upset. I was like, all right, come home and work. And that's just kind of how it went. I tried to go back to school. I came home. I tried to go back away to school.

went back to school, did the same thing, right? Started partying, dropped out of school. I went to maybe four or five different colleges trying to figure it out until I ended up around 23s, on the 22-23s when the opiates came in. And that's where I really, I should say, that's when this took off. Yeah, things fell off. Where were you growing up at? Where did you grow up at?

South Florida. We grew up in South Florida my whole life. I went to school. Went to Bogartown High School. Everyone knows Bogas, like this rich town, which is kind of a weird thing, too, because when you grow up in a town like that where you're either rich or you're not. So it's funny because I always thought I was like, I don't want to say poor, but like relatively, I thought we grew up kind of poor because I was looking around at the, like, my concept was completely off. How I see what real poverty is. But it was weird at that time.

I thought I was always like an underprivileged kind of kid for a while. My parents did a great job of not making me feel that way. But, you know, in your back in mind, you see the rich kids and you're like, you're not really sure where you sit in and the whole thing. Yeah, you're sizing yourself up to other stuff, especially, yeah, in an area like that. So you get involved with this opiates. And, I mean, too, going back there, I mean, that's probably when things really picked up and popped off for the opiates.

How did that all unfold for you? I mean, how do you get introduced to it? What does it look like? Yeah, really not introduced to it. I had gotten into a fight or I got just kind of blindsided, had my nose shattered, drunk as shit in Miami, and they gave me pain pills. And I'd probably take a perk, a perk a sec, or Vicodian a couple times before, but this is the first time I really had a good substantial amount of them.

And that's kind of where it took off, kind of the snowball effect that started realizing how much I loved them. And in Florida, this is 2003 or 2004, 2005, when the pill epidemic is at its height, you're paying and nothing for these pills. There are maybe $8 to $10 a pill. If you have insurance, and you could doctor shop. I mean, just, it was the Wild West down here, as a lot of people probably know.

And I couldn't hold a job. I was sleeping on the couches or on my girlfriend's house at the time. Just really buttering through life. And I'm 25. She's going on 26 at this time. And I don't know if I told you when we taught, we're in the bio, I sent you. But that's when I made a decision with my buddy

to join the Marine Corps. You know what I mean? It was one of the wild. I'll just people, it literally was that easy, though. We were sitting there, and his little brother was getting out of the Marines, and we looked at each other, and I don't know who said it to who, but it's like, I'll do it if you do it. And I knew my life was at this point not really going anywhere. I hadn't gotten any real consequences.

I had been arrested numerous times, but never spending time in prison, never. Again, looking at my brother, who's numerous prison stints, is I'm still, the consequences don't really seem that heavy as opposed to what I've seen. around me, though it wasn't that big a deal, but I did know I had to do something. So I went and I joined the Marine Corps. I was 25 years old, and I really kicked for the first time in boot camp in November 2006. That's a wild story there. Yeah.

At boot camp, I mean, I've only heard that it's quite the challenge in itself. It's interesting you bring this up to it. Let me know, man. Part of my story is I got, like I got involved with the pills too. A little bit later, probably about 2005, 2006. And it was wild back then, man. I mean, I remember a buddy of mine, his dad used to get enough stuff dropped in his mailbox to take out an elephant. And they wouldn't even check.

There was no checks and balances, nothing. And all of us would just be waiting for the call because then his dad would give him to him to sell all these pills. And it was just thinking about that now is just crazy. But when I first started taking these pills, obviously I felt the relief, right? I mean, the painkillers relieve more than just the physical pain. For me, it was a lot of the emotional pain I experienced, too. But I was naive enough, man, and it sounds wild saying this, Johnny. I never knew about withdrawal.

I never knew about getting addicted. I was so naive in the sense reflecting back. I saw the pill bottle. And I always had that squirly brain, but it said take two. So I was like, there's nothing wrong with taking four. And then a month later, it's like you've taken eight, ten. And it goes on. What was your thing?

Like, did you have any idea of the impact that these medications would have on you? No, man, it's funny you say that because I never really, You always think about the first time you drank or people always asked the first time he did this. I don't remember the first time I took a pill, but I remember the first time I went to withdrawals now that you said. And we had gone down to some sort of function in the keys, which is like a two-hour drive. And I remember I had to be back. I was working at my uncle and uncle's restaurant. And I remember thinking I had a bad sunburn.

You know what I mean? My skin was kind of like really getting irritated and my stomach. And I just thought, I started feeling sweaty. I thought I was sick. And I don't know if someone told me, but it was like I was going to withdraw. I was going to fucking withdrawals. And I didn't know it. And I remember someone told me that.

And I made a call and I had my girlfriend come drop me off a blue, a Roxy. And I remember they went away immediately. I was like, holy, I was like, uh-oh. You know what I mean? Like the whole game changed. The whole game changed. Yeah. That's so interesting.

Bring up that story too because the first time I was about a month in. and I was sitting there getting ready for school. I was in college at the time, and I was getting ready for school. And I started, yeah, same thing. Like, I'm sick. But in my 20s, I never got sick. I really never got a cold or flu or anything like that. Everything was good.

And then, yeah, you start to get the restless legs and your skin feels like it's crawling. I only knew one buddy. See, I did a lot of this stuff solo. I didn't really hang out with a lot of people that were into the life at the beginning. It was kind of like my hidden secret, right, that nobody knew about. I had so much energy and everybody was wondering why. And I called this buddy of mine and we're just having this nonchalant conversation. I said, hey, I've been taking this stuff.

And as I woke up one day and I'm just not really feeling well like I should probably not get into it anymore. When I reflect back onto this conversation, it just shows how ingrained you get in that life. But it was just like, oh, you're just sick, withdrawal. And I'm like, well, what's the solution? And well, you got to get more. And that was just like a quick conversation. And here I was. And I had gotten a whole shoebox of medication to begin my journey.

So I wasn't into getting stuff on the streets and I really wasn't into that life. Like I lived the dysfunctional life but also was still kind of together at this point. I had already been to rehab for 12 months prior to this and this was all new to me. And then that's where things kind of picked up, right? Because now I've got to keep it going and you just don't want to feel sick. So you just keep it going and all the other stuff that's into it. So you get into boot camp, you join the Marines, you check out this thing. I mean, what's that whole experience like?

Yeah, well, first of all, it was the best kick of my life because I was trapped. I didn't know where I was. You're a Paris Island, South Carolina, and they do a great job of not letting you know how you got on the island or anything. You know what I mean? And they keep you up to like, who knows, two days, 36 hours. I'm not really sure. But you're moving and you're doing all this shit and you don't even realize it. You know what I mean?

And the thought. So when you're kicking on your couch, it's all you're thinking about. All you're thinking about is getting high. And then you would absolutely usually get hot. In this time frame, I knew I wasn't able to. And so everyone's like, I can't believe you did that. But it really was the easiest way to probably kick. Further on, later on in my life, I found out what real kicking was.

But yeah, I joined the Marine Corps. I excelled. I did great in the Marine Corps. I tell guys this all the time, like, man, us alcoholics and addicts, dude, like we are, first of all, we're very disciplined, right? And we're very disciplined when we need to be to get what we need usually. But when we were able to put that into the right thing, like I excelled, man, I was great at busting my ass, working hard,

doing whatever needed to get done, and then partying my ass off at night. It's definitely not a place. Like, I hear a young kid, so I was working at an adolescent place. And I want to join the Marines. I was like, you better not join the Marines with that drug addiction because it's a great place to hide out and you function at a high level, but you're able to party your ass off.

And as long as you wake up and you run, no one gives a shit if you were drunk all night. You know what I mean? It's all about how you are when you're, in uniform. And so I did very well, man. I got meritoriously promoted. I went to combat twice. I spent eight years in Marine Corps. I went to combat twice. I also got in trouble while I was in the Marine Corps. But again, they looked at how I actually, like the work I was doing another slap on the wrist. So more of me not really feeling consequences. Looking back on it, like I thought I was

getting away with shit. And inevitably, it was just more of me thinking I didn't have to change, really. So we drink till two in the morning, get up at five, put the uniform on, hit the ground running, and never really, no one ever had a problem with it. I got a DUI. They had a problem with that because now you're getting the authorities involved, and I lost rank over that. But again, I bounced that quickly. And what I learned when, I mean, I'm a big guy and like hope and purpose is like my two things, man. First of all, you got to have hope to have any, I think, to get sober. I think you got to have some sort of hope or why would you even try? and then purpose. And when I was in the Marine Corps, it gave me a purpose.

I didn't even know it at the time. You know what I mean? But I think that's why I was able to drink and drug. I would go home and do drugs on the weekend when I go on leave. I'd be doing Coke and everything else. Not every time, but when it was offered to me. And then I go back to work and I bust my ass. And I think what happened was that purpose kept me afloat.

You know what I mean? It kept the alcoholism at bay. The problem was when that purpose went away. Yeah. I spent two deployments in Afghanistan. Again, being the type of person as an alcoholic, I'm always ready to go. I'm always willing to do more. I did very well.

I got some awards for Valor and some things like that that were really just for doing my job, right? But doing my job at a high level. But you never know that deep down inside, I mean, I had a raging problem, a raging problem. But yeah, so that's how the military went. It was probably the best eight years in my life. I got married. and that eight years, I had a daughter towards the end. I was blown up, I was hit by a couple IEDs where I was over there in 2010,

and that made me non-deployable moving forward. So my second four years was done back at the boot camp, Paris Island teaching recruits how to shoot on the rifle range. And that's when the purpose kind of went away, and things started sliding a little bit because there wasn't that life for deaths. There wasn't that, like, training men. I swept for IEDs. That's what I did overseas.

And so my second deployment was all about training. training these young men that were like my little brothers to this day, I loved them with all my heart, and we had a bond. And so every day, no matter what, drinking or drug, it didn't matter, like, it was all about these guys. And when that went away, it's when things started to slide. And my wife and I had a beautiful little girl, about five months before I got out of the military,

I was already addicted back addicted to opiates at that point. I failed a drug test when my daughter was two months old, and I got sent away to treatment. I went to treatment and I was raging. I had a, my anger was to it. I was so, you're restless, irritable and discontent, as they say, to the point where I went to treatment and I just, I was, I also have been diagnosed with PTSD. I'm 100% disabled from my PTSD and things because I was an absolute maniac.

I was clinically insane at that point and the drugs and alcohol were kind of keeping that at bay for a long time. Anyway, I got our treatment. I immediately called the dope man and got a dog man and got a good man. a couple pills and I ended up getting out at eight years. I got an honorable discharge because of my service record, because of what I had done overseas. But my wife's, my beautiful little baby girl, and I moved back to South Florida, to the belly of the beast, right? Right where all this shit had taken place prior. The one thing I do want to say is, and I think this is important because

I had a lot of guilt and shame around it. When my daughter was born, I was told this is going to be the greatest moment of your life. This little girl's going to change your life. And when my daughter was born, I remember sitting there and first of all, my wife was pregnant with twins. We lost the boy, but she had to give birth to a stillborn. And so immediately my head went in their mission, like tunnel vision. Number one, bring that little baby to my wife's chest, let her feel it. They even ask, do you want pictures with the fetus or the boy? I said, no, just get it out of her sight and let's move on. And I was high. the time, I was needing to get more, and I never was able to experience that feeling that

they told me I would experience with my daughter because I was so numbed by the drugs and alcohol and the fact that I had to just take care of her, and then I had to go get more. And that's something that was a hard pill to swallow. I think as we got through my story, that took that, that was a big part of my homeless. That was a big part of everything that happened to come. Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing that, Johnny, man. I'm sorry about that. That's heavy stuff, man. I was thinking back to a little bit what you shared about the deployments. I mean, I'm interested how that works, struggling with addiction, right, being deployed.

Like, how does that work? Are you just allowed to drink in the evenings or are you doing other stuff there too? Or how did that play out? Yeah, and to not put anyone else on it, I'm only going to talk about myself and what I did. You would get Listerine bottles from everyone that would send to you care packages with alcohol in them. and you get a care package. But when you're in combat, and again,

not everyone necessarily goes to combat, and that's fine, but, like, you were engaged in real, like, we were deep in it in 2008 and in 2010 to the point where there wasn't a lot of time

to, like, sit back and think about drinking and drugging. And so, that would get the booze, and we would drink when we come back to the base, like when we go out on missions, and then we come back,

you'd be very excited to get the Listerine bottle and take a couple shots. And again, I'd go back to the purpose. When you have that much, that much going on, it's like, that takes over for me. And it takes over for me now, or early in recovery. You know what I mean? Like purpose has always superseded the drinking and the drugging

once I knew what I was looking for. Obviously, that takes a lot, too, to get to that point to understand. Yeah, true, 100%. So where do things go after your daughter's born then? Yeah, so we get out of the Marine Corps? I say we because it wasn't just me. And looking back, It was hard for me to think about anyone but myself because I'm hiding this drug addiction for the most part. My wife knows I drink a lot. We drink, she drinks. But like how deep it was, no one knew.

And so I'm figuring out ways to like use credit cards and just this craziness. And so we get out of the Marine Corps, we get like a little townhouse back home. And honestly, man, from the outside looking in, you think I got it all going on. I got, my daughter is gorgeous, man. She's nine now and it's just a healthy baby. My wife, I got a beautiful wife. I've got a beautiful white, beautiful home. We both own our cars.

And my life is literally spinning out of control inside. I couldn't go home. I couldn't sit in that room and every think about this peaceful situation and I couldn't change a diaper without being intoxicated on something. I remember the fear of going into that peaceful home, I would have to snort a pill.

But I could not go into this beautiful situation without being on some sort of upper or downer. And to the point where then I was trying to find that happy medium just to go into the house. And I fucking hated myself for it. I couldn't understand why I had everything that I really ever wanted. And boy, this was just out of the control. So I would say it's four, three or four months after I moved home. Well, I went to treatment about six months after I got caught with using all the credit cards and things.

And my wife, I remember she woke me up one day. It was to the point where I would go out at like three in the morning. When she would go to bed, I knew she was asleep at like one, two in the morning. I would leave until 5 a.m. And I would hit the street. I would go to my old neighborhoods. I would be smoking crack, hanging out on the block, just trying to figure out how to get more and do different things to get more drugs.

And then I would come home. I would slide into bed. And I would just do that every night, man, because I didn't know what else to do. Until finally I got popped. She saw that the money was missing out of the account. Where's this money going? I had a job where I was driving a lot so I could just kind of maneuver on my own

and kind of stay below the radar. But she finally caught me. And so I agreed to go to treatment. I went to treatment, but I knew my relationship was over with her. You know what I mean? It had just gotten so bad. You got him so bad.

And I went from treatment to homelessness. I never really went back to my house. I chose, I chose to get into relationships and treatments, right? Anyone that would attach himself to me that would show me the loves that I wasn't getting or that I didn't have some myself. I was the king of getting into rehab romances.

And I chose to be homeless. I chose the streets. For one, because I knew I couldn't stop. And I loved the shit out of my wife, dude. I love my little girl. But I knew I loved them, but I couldn't feel that love. And I couldn't give them that love. And I knew that I was just going to be a wreckage in their lives

if I kept coming back. So I chose to leave. She divorced me once the infidelity started, as well she should. And that started a good three, four years, man, and everything you can think of. Overdoses, you know, cons, treatment centers, like about 12 different treatment centers.

I signed over custody of all rights to my daughter. Again, because my thought was, let me get as far away from them as I can. I thought if I just die on the street, If I just die of an overdose, now I'm not, I wasn't trying to commit suicide, but I sure as hell was not going to, was not upset if I died. And I thought in my mind was like, if I just stay away from them and they just find out that I died, when my daughter gets old enough, they can show her pictures of me and my dress blues and my uniform,

showing my awards, and she can know that her dad was a hero. Because the way it was going to be, dad's a junkie that comes into the house every six months that showed up here and there. I was 50 pounds lighter. And that was my mentality, man. And I operated as such. I did everything I could to. I started using needles, got into heroin.

Thank God, Sinal was just coming around. It wasn't what it is now, or there's no chance I'm alive. Because the way I use, people like me, use it. I'm not dabbling. Yeah. And so that was it, man. was my life for the next three, four years. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like there, too, you're just trying to lessen the blow if there was going to be a massive blow for your family there. Man, what a tough

way to live, right? But I feel like when we're going through these tough situations, too, it's hard to really connect the dots. I mean, when you pull the curtain back on all of this, I mean, what do you see there about what's kind of keeping this going? I mean, you mentioned, too, 12 treatment centers. you go in here, you're getting involved in these relationships with other people there in the treatment centers. What's going on the inside, the need for the escape or the need to kind of keep the thing going? Have you ever kind of put a finger on that? Oh yeah, definitely. Listen, if there's one thing I do and continue to do it, do work on myself and those are great questions, man, and kind of why I appreciate you having me on because

those are the questions that need to be asked, you know what I mean? And I think, one, One is I hated myself, right? Guilt and shame were running my life. I talked about when I was younger, you know what I mean? It was all about just getting more and more blasted as fucked up as we could get. That wasn't the case anymore. I don't remember feeling that it was about escaping.

It was about I couldn't stop what was going on. Now there were things that happened overseas. There was like hypervigilance where I couldn't turn it off. There was a lot of that going on too, but there was also just trying to escape that guilt and shame. And I thought that, like, there's no, drugs and alcohol was my solution. They say, you know, I'm a 12-stuff guy, and I don't push it on anyone, but I'm an A-A guy. And they talked about it was a symptom.

For me, it was a solution. It stopped everything. Even as it got shorter, those periods of time got shorter and shorter, I didn't know what else would work. So even if I would shoot some dope and it would blot out, as they say, for a couple seconds, man, that was the only thing that ever worked. And I think that's what was blotting out, that self-hatred, and that guilt and shame was just unbearable. And then the hopelessness.

Again, if I didn't have any hope, what was I doing? I was just literally just trying to, and not wanted to be dope sick, right? Like back to that first time we talked about, boy, at all costs. That is the worst feeling in the world. Because then when you're dopsick, then you got all those emotions. that we're talking that the guilt and shame and it just all comes on and it's like I just run out the door yeah oh for sure it becomes so overwhelming and then we're using all the time we're in that life that cycle we're not used to really feeling much and when we do feel then we're looking to escape again

escape the emotional pain now I love that too because I think it's so important that we kind of get to the bottom in a sense about at least digging in a little bit to try to figure out what's going on and you mentioned something there, I mean, I think is extremely powerful that you hated yourself. And if you didn't before, living like this could bring upon that stuff, right? With your family, saying goodbye to them, being away from them and the experiences that you've had and your experiences while you were deployed and everything like that. It sounds like a perfect storm of everything, Johnny, that was just going on. You were looking for a way out to slow the voices too. That's something I struggled with, man. I struggled with that not being good enough. The insecurity is just,

I could be in a group of 100 people, and I would feel like the loneliest person in the world. But when I was alone, I would feel like maybe I wasn't as lonely. And it was just a really strange thing for me to ever figure out what I was doing this stuff for. Why I kind of kept in the cycle? So thanks for sharing that for us, man, because I think those are the deeper things if we can identify with it. That's what's kind of behind fuel and all this, because I think when we're stuck in it, when I was anyway, I would have interventions and people would say, Brad, why are you thrown away your life? I mean, you came from a good family with every opportunity to do something different.

I share a lot of the same stories. You college kicked out college, different opportunities that I had. And they would always ask and I'd say, well, I just liked doing it. I didn't know why I was doing it when I was wrapped up in it. And it was great reflecting back to how things were. So you go through this period, too, of being homeless and everything and away from your family. And you're just really, I mean, you're peddled to the medal 110 here. How in the heck do you get out of this, Johnny?

Are we there yet? Yeah, we're close. And one big thing when my brother passed away. I don't know if I mentioned that, but I always said I wanted to stay one tier below them or him. Now, mind you, my other brother now gets sober and has, by the time in 2017, about over 10 years. But in my mind, I'm more like my other brother.

You know what I mean? So I didn't even really look at that as like anything other than good for him. Like, I love him to death, but that's not me. I'm more like Jeff. And Jeff's my brother that passed. I wanted to say one little until there was a point in 2017 before he passed where we were living in a shelter in Overtown, Miami. And I had overdosed in the bathroom.

And I'll never forget. I came to when they had me shackled down because I used to have to go into the bathroom when I was like pretend I was taking a shower. So I had nothing on. They put boxers on me. And I'm tied down and I'm bleeding because I cracked my face open. And I remember like going into the ambulance and my brother comes riding up on his bike. And just the look he gave me.

And it was as cloudy as it was, I remember thinking like, this is crazy. My brother that was always the more sucked up one or the one. You know what I mean? Like he's looking at me and I'm the one shackled down being taken to a mental hospital. It wasn't like a aha, maybe I should change. was I'm really screwed. About a month later, he passed. And I remember thinking that,

and like, if he can't do it, like, I can't do it. And things got real dark. Things got really dark. What happened for me, the God's truth, drugs stopped working. I don't get into what people believe in God or whatever. Spiritual experience, psychic change.

That's exclusive to everybody. I remember I was sitting, and I'll get a little graphic here, but I was sitting in an abandoned apartment or apartment that we had no power, no water, and I was trying to find a vein. At this point, I'm in Austin, Texas because someone flew me out there to try and help me get into this nonprofit men's facility, which worked for a little while, but I inevitably went back to it.

But anyway, I'm sitting there and I'm trying, and I'm the guy who I got abscesses all over my body at this point, and I can't find a vein, and I remember sitting there, I don't know what the weather was like outside, but I was drenched and sweat. And something came over me. And I'd probably been in this situation a hundred times before where I just had this realization, man. And it was like that aha moment. It was like, you're going to find a vein and it's not going to work.

And it sounds a little dramatic, but that was it, man. That was the situation. I said, oh, my God. And it was scary. I've been in combat. As I said, I've been in plenty of gun fights. I've been in some of the worst neighborhoods in America. I've never been as scared as I was in that moment

because that was my solution for a long time. And it took me about a week or two after that to get back into that same program. It was called Solstice Recovery. It was a nonprofit. Guys like my big brother now, his name's Cole Schifflett. He is one of the most,

he'll probably watch this and I don't like blown smoke. You know what I mean? But his ego is going to get. But one of the most amazing men that you'll ever meet, you would love this guy. He's helped so many people, and I called him, and he got me back into this place. Stella shipped me, and I went into it. It was a 12-bed facility in the hills of Austin, Texas, and I jumped face-first and do it.

And the only reason I did it is because my solution for the last 20 years wasn't working anymore. And that's really that it was it, man. It wasn't, I'd been dead. I've been in the hospital. I've been a nice handful of times. I always thought that the drugs would work, and it was that real. man, and that was the turning point. That was it. Yeah, beautiful, man. When was that? My sobriety date is March 19th of 2019. Wow. That's incredible, man. And I'm happy you shared that.

I'm happy you shared that because oftentimes, yeah, it's not for everybody, but oftentimes I feel like people are out there searching for this quote-unquote rock bottom. They're looking for something to kind of give them a heads up or to get in enough trouble or experience enough consequences. And then they're going to wake up the next day and they're going to change. And they'd be 145 stories on the episode and I've heard many stories and worked with many people over the years. And that's rarely the case, man. The case is rarely that we got in some massive consequence a night before or experienced

something and they get sober the next day. Like vast majority of the stories are something that what you're talking about too, right? people connect that it's just not working anymore. And we have to do something different. But my goodness, man, I mean, how terrifying that is, right? Because you relied on this heavily. I mean, it's water and then this. I mean, and maybe this before water.

And I wasn't even going to get to the food because for me anyway, that was off the table most days. I wasn't worried about eating anything. If there was something left over from one of the boys' places or something, I might get into that. But that was it. So this is what you've relied on. And now you have all this other stuff, right, Johnny, that's been happening that you've been through, right? And the thing is about sobriety is that it doesn't change overnight, right? These things don't all come back into our life and everything's just great overnight.

We've got to put in the work. So how does things work for you moving forward? Yeah, so you're absolutely right. You've got to jump into the work. But like, for me, what the 12 steps is across the board, it's a great way to rectify some of these things and to get to the bottom of things. And then a great way to live life, being of service. Like, it doesn't matter what you believe in

or how you get sober. I believe that being of service is kind of one of the keys. So I'll talk about my experience was with the 12 steps. Here's the thing, man. Once I knew the drugs weren't working, I knew the wreckage I had caused, right? I wasn't even hiding it anymore. I was doing it in your face.

I'm trying to break into my wife's house, my ex-wife's, she divorced me, like I said. And I'm doing it without you, like whatever. like this is just what it is. So a lot of the things like everyone knew. And it had to get to a point where, and I tell guys like, you don't know if you'll get your wife back,

if you get your daughter back, if you get your mom, your dad, your friends back. But the one very, like, truth is if you keep doing what you're doing, you're never getting them back. And so, like, look,

I would get sober for 30, 60 days into treatment centers and be like, I'm going to get my wife back. I get my daughter back. I got to be a dad. I got to get to my daughter's birthday, and I would never show for the fucking birthday. You know what I mean? And so one of the biggest things I had to realize is, like, I definitely got sober because my

daughter deserved to have a dad. I had to work on myself. I had to put all that aside. It's like, yeah, I don't really want to live. Like, I don't really, like, care about my life, but, like, she deserved it. And now I'm going to work on me. And I think that's the biggest thing. I didn't know if I was going to get my wife back.

In fact, I said, all right, forget it. Like, I just want to be a co-parent. And I started doing like all the little things like I worked on me and I didn't try and force the issue because every time I try and force the issue or my will as they say Things never ended up right. It always ended up right back to that trap house or that that that hospital race And so that's where it started I had to just work on me and I dove into it man and I just I had a little bit of hope because I heard guys tell stories similar to mine and and I think you make a great point like our stories can be totally different but we felt the same way. Like, that's one thing that I can grasp. You know what I mean? It's like, it's not a physical bottom, man. That didn't bring us in. It's a spiritual bottom, right? It's way more than just a physical

bottom. And I think, so yeah, that's what I did, man? I just, I surrendered to the process. I said, what do I got to do? Because my way didn't work anymore. And I had tried every way in the world to make it work. Yeah. Well, yeah, most of us do, right? Before we're like, all right, this isn't, Every time I tried it my way, the blue lights were in the back, in the rearview mirror. And I'm like, oh, man, I swore I would never end up here again. And then you find yourself in the same spot over and over again. So how do things go? I mean, what are your parents?

Are they talking to it all through any of this? Are they supporting you, helping you out? What's that look like? Yeah. So when my brother passed away, my dad really took it. Like I said before, if I died, at least they could just note that their heroic son or my wife, same thing, heroic. or my daughter's heroic dad. My dad took it rough, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I took advantage of that.

You know what I mean? I took advantage of my dad to get money or whatever and say, you don't want me, like, because I knew he was grieving over my brother. And so the best thing that ever happened to me and people hate hearing this that are still out there, but is they stop, everybody turn their back on me or shut the door, as well they should. And I had nothing. The one thing that they always told me is they love me. And I've been blessed to get to run some family programs.

in the work that I do now, and very tough. Because I think tough love is the way to go, but I always tell them no matter what, make sure they know you love them. You know what I mean? Like, you love them. And my family never, even my ex-wife's, who I did everything to, man, this woman,

I mean, I will forever be making a minister to this woman. But they always told me they love me. And my wife always said, get your shit together and come be a father. She never used that as a tool. And so when I first got sober, yeah, nothing. They had no interaction with me. I got to use the phone like once a week.

They would take my call. It was very dry. It was very like, yeah, because I'd done it 12 times before. But yeah, so they were non-existent. There was no enabling. There was no like, give me two weeks for a sober living. It was figure it the fuck out and call us when you got six months. That was pretty much the message.

And at that point, it's funny because usually I get mad at them and say, you don't love me and this and that, but I got it. I understood what they were saying. And they were saying they needed to protect themselves from me. Yeah. Now, that's an interesting point you bring up there. Every situation kind of has this different dynamics, but I do think there is a level of importance about a difference between love and enabling people that are struggling.

Because, I mean, I have the same experience. My folks toward the end, because I was on the methadone program at the end, man, and I couldn't afford the $12 day for methadone and $5 for gas. So my folks cut me a deal. is that I could work in their backyard. I worked for $10 an hour, and I'd have to work two hours a day, and I didn't have a car or anyway, so I'd have to walk three hours there and work.

And then if I worked doing this landscaping stuff, that, like, it just didn't even need it, but they were willing to do that, but there was no more handouts. There was no more cons. There was no more BS and stuff. They caught onto all the tricks, and none of that stuff worked out.

All the promises, right? It's that we make about things are going to work out. Just help me one more time, one more time. And, I mean, we lose count, right? and I'm sure our loved ones do as well. Did you have an idea of starting out this time when, hey, like, maybe I've got a shot at it. I mean, it could have been back to when you had that experience with things not working and something hit you there. But was there like a moment in time where you were just like, you know what?

Like, I think this could actually work for me. When I finally got over being sick, being dope sick, I wanted to use dad. I had a little bit of like some little suboxone strips, little suboxin pieces that I was able to like sneak into the place really. And I used those because there was our detox there. And I kick hard. And but when I came out of that, so I was 10 days probably took.

But after that 10 days, I was very clear that I was going to do what needed to get done to never put a drug back in my body. And that's why I tell guys like I jumped into the work. And like I did not look back because I did what I needed to do. and it was hard and it was tough times. But man, I dealt with loss of my two best friends committing suicide in the first, you know, year or two of my sobriety.

I had to like really grieve and I still have a hard time grieving death. But my brother dying, I had to grieve my not having my ex-wife. All these things that come back, but dude, I did what they told me to do, man. I just did it. And yeah, I think the minute I didn't feel dope sick, I knew that I would never go back. I'm not stupid, you know what I mean? I know I can always end up back there, but I'll never stop doing what got me here. I won't.

I don't care how much time I got. Yeah. So moving forward, how does the relationship with your ex-wife and your daughter, did they come back into your life at all? Yeah, dude. And I'm glad you asked that as we're ending up here. So at about 10 months, I get a call from my ex-wife. She says, look, she thought I've been sober for a year and a half, right? Mind you.

Because I had some time and I didn't tell her. And so I'm like, fuck. She's like, you need to come be a father to your kid. kid and I'm like, fuck, do I tell her? Did I tell her that I did have a relapse 10 months ago? You know what I mean? And I talked to my sponsor and he says, look, when the time's right, you're doing the right thing. When the time's right, you're making amends and you tell her what happened. But, you know, there's no reason to hurt her, you know what I mean, or to do that. So I said, okay. So I went off to New York. I moved to New York. I had no money, I had like a couple

hundred bucks. Granted, I do have a disability check. So I do have that going for me, which I was giving most of to her for my kid. But I had a couple hundred bucks. So I went up there. I got, I rented a room with Airbnb. I got a job at an overnight, working overnight to a treatment center. It was the middle of winter. I didn't know anybody. And that's where the fellowship did help me out, man. I knew I had AA and I went to AA meetings and NAA meetings. I think fellowship is the key. And I met some really good people that kind of gathered me up. And they took me in. I go to meetings and I was a middle of winter. I'd see my daughter like every weekend. I could see it for a couple hours. My wife has a boyfriend. My ex-wife has a boyfriend.

And usually I want to be the alpha or I want to like treat him like shit because how, you know what I mean? Like he's with my wife. But I had thrown all that away and I understood that. And so I just did the next right thing. I co-parented. I went to work and I just started stacking these little wins and doing these esteemable acts that they told me to do.

And that's what I did. And I started getting more costly getting my kid to the point where it was like 50-50 after like a year. And I built this relationship with my daughter, man. She was in kindergarten at the time. She's like going on five years old. She really didn't know the wreckage that I had caused. And so I really saw an opportunity to never have to have her go through what she quite possibly could have.

And I just started treating my ex-wife with respect and dignity and just really like living these amends. And she ended up breaking up with this dude and her and I started co-parenting a little closer together and doing more things as a family. But never was I trying to manipulate the situation. I think that's the key here, right? Again, I continued to not try and put my will into it. In fact, I was okay with being a friend to her because I love her to death. Like, I love my friends.

And bro, for the last two years, we've been back together. We're back engaged. So, I mean, my story, it doesn't get any better. And I don't want to get false hope to people. But it's just about, like, my life is my work life. I started overnights. I went on to take a position in Florida where I was traveling every week to be a liaison.

on in a treatment center, a veteran liaison, and helped build a veteran program, making no money because I was paying for my own flights, but it just seemed like the right thing to do. And I got another job, and now to the point where, you know, as I told you, I'm the director of a military program nationally. And it's almost like a fucking movie, bro. It's like my, like, I can't even, like they say like,

Beyond Your Wildest Dreams. Brother, I'm sure I didn't have dreams. You know what I mean? Like, I just didn't want to wake up sick. At the end of the day, that was the best dream. I could just not be sick anymore. So, yeah, my life, dude, it's unfathomable, man. But it's really based on the same principle that it started with.

Yeah, it's beyond your wildest dreams. Dude. Look, man, that's like a full circle moment too, right? And like you mentioned there, you taught with people that are newer, right, to trying this whole thing. And they're wondering and we're focused on about everything we're going to get back and everything we want in life. And it's just about that thing about just sit down. You got to show up for a little bit. And maybe these things will work out and maybe they won't work out.

But what you said there was so powerful to me is that if you don't get and stay sober, one thing is for sure. You'll never have a shot at making these things ever work out because it just pushes everybody away. And I think even like you shared in your story with your parents and with other people who cared about you, maybe other family members too, is that you continue this for so long. People can only take so much. Even though they love us, they can only take so much of the lies, of the manipulation of everything. And I've never been on the other end of that.

But it's all about that thing is that we've got to start showing up for ourselves, man. And I love that, that you plugged into the program 110%. And it gave you sort of a roadmap about how you could start to repair yourself and show up the best person you are, man. I really enjoyed this episode, man. Yeah, dude, I appreciate it, man. Like I said, I just took a shot and shot you what they called it, what a kid's a DM, you know what I mean? And I'm blessed to be on here. I love what you got going on. I do a little like kind of like a little podcast with a friend of mine and to get where you are at is pretty

impressive, man. And so I think it's really cool, man. And I, you know, kudos to you, bro. I hope it just keeps getting bigger and bigger, dude. Because it's a great, you got a great message. You know what I mean? And you give people, your questions are on point. And I think you do it the right way. I think it's really cool. And I think it's so needed, man, because we need to give hope, dude. You know what I mean? Like at the end of the day, you see us from the outside. But left of mind devices back that I'm a hopeless, I'm a drug out of it. That's what my life had become, man, until I had hope from people like you and people like me now. You know what I mean?

And that's why I'm so wide open about this. And I love the opportunity to just like tell it like it really was so that people know. Yeah. And I think when we do that too, when we share our pain, we cut it in half. And I think that's a great message for people out there, how open and honest you are about your story. is there's going to be people that connect with that. And if we can connect with somebody else's story who's made it out or find a better way of living,

then we get a little bit of that hope. We get a little bit of hope to say, if Johnny can go through all this and he can figure it out, you know, maybe I can have a shot at all of this, right? Maybe I can figure it out doing the next right thing and one day at a time and one step at a time and things will work out. Johnny, if somebody is listening to this episode, man, and for some reason they just tune into like this last minute,

what would your message be to them? Obviously, don't give up. You know what I mean? Like, it's never over. It's never over. And to just reach out. Always reach out, man. We don't know unless you reach out.

We can't save everybody. And a lot of people die with their hands in their pockets. Stick your hand out. And I guarantee guys like you, guys like me. And the many people that helped us will reach out. So please reach out and just know that there is hope. There is hope. Because if we did it, then you can do it.

And I think that's where it starts. If you don't have hope, we're in big trouble. Yeah, no, 100%. You also mentioned, too, you do a podcast. Is it a sobriety podcast? Yeah, yeah. It's a sobriety and like a mental, like my co-host, she likes to say it's a mental health. It's called Picking.

So my best friend that took his life in the Lincor's name was Zach Picking. And I always said, and Brandon Lay is the other gentleman's name, two of my closest friends. They took their lives. And so we did a podcast called Picking, there's Zach Picking, Picking up the pieces. and pieces spelled like peace on earth. So it's picking up the pieces, P-E-A-C-E-S, picking up the pieces. Beautiful, man. Okay, cool.

Yeah. I'll drop the link to that in the show notes, too, if anybody wants to check it out. But thank you so much, Johnny. I appreciate it, my man. Thank you. Good to talk to you. You too. Well, there it is, everyone.

Another incredible episode here on the podcast. Thank you again, Johnny, for jumping down here and sharing your story with all of us. You know, this really this story right here and all the stories here just really go to show what's truly possible and the holes that we can pull ourselves out of. So if you're struggling, you're drawing some insight, you know, lean in a little bit to some insight about people are going through stuff that we can't even imagine all the time and you're able to come out of the other side and create a better life for them and for everyone around them, you know, because sobriety is like that rock hitting the pond.

It creates a ripple effect and it impacts a lot of people. just the opposite is true as well if we're stuck in the addiction or the overconsumption or however we want to draw it up when we're stuck in that place. We're also impacting people in our lives and maybe not a good way. So thank you guys as always for the continued support. I hope you enjoyed Johnny's story as much as I did. I'll drop the link to his podcast and everything else for this episode down on the show notes below and I'll see you on the next one.