Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Kate started drinking at 14, and it would take decades before she realized there had to be more to life.

Episode Date: January 26, 2024

In this episode of the Sober Motivation podcast, I chat with  Kate about her journey from childhood to adulthood fueled by heavy drinking, to her decision to choose a sober life. The discussion uncovers Kate's upbringing in a large London household and her early 20s described as a 'constant party', and her later relationship with alcohol, which led her to question her real identity and purpose in life. Eventually, these reflections triggered a transformation, with Kate finally embracing a sober lifestyle and reshaping her life in the process. Kate shares practical tips and recounts how she used journaling, walking outdoors, and interacting with others on a similar path to help her stay the course. ----------- Donate to support the podcast: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivation Follow Kate on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/walking_the_straight_line/ Follow (Me) SoberMotivation on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sobermotivation/   00:23 Guest's Childhood and Early Life 02:39 Beginning of Alcohol Consumption 03:44 Escalation of Drinking in College 05:08 Transition into Professional Life and Continued Drinking 05:45 Reflections on Self-Identity and Alcohol 13:14 Moving to America and Continued Struggles 20:24 Becoming a Mother and the Impact on Drinking 22:19 Reflections on Sobriety and Life Changes 26:18 The Impact of Alcohol on Family Life 27:59 The Turning Point: A Personal Video Message 28:59 The Fight Against Alcohol: A New Beginning 32:58 The Power of Support and Self-Love in Recovery 34:33 The Journey of Sobriety: Challenges and Triumphs 35:32 The Transformation: From Alcohol Dependence to Self-Love 42:29 The Power of Community and Connection in Sobriety 47:26 The Joy of Sobriety: A New Perspective on Life 49:28 The Final Thoughts: Encouragement for Those on the Sobriety Journey  

Welcome back to season three of the Subur Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode of the podcast, I sat down with Kate. We talked about her journey from childhood to adulthood fueled by heavy drinking, to her decision to choose a sober life. The discussion uncovers Kate's upbringing in a large London household,

and in her early 20s described as a constant party and her later relationship with alcohol which led her to question her real identity and purpose in life. Eventually, these reflections triggered a transformation with Kate finally embracing a sober lifestyle and reshaping her life in the process. Kate shares practical tips and recounts how she used journaling, walking outdoors, and interacting with others on a similar path

to help her stay the course. And this is Kate's story. the Super Motivation podcast. Hey, how's it going, everyone? Welcome back to another incredible episode. You're going to love this one. Gotta give a big, huge shout out to everybody who checked out. Jersey Mike's episode, that's one of our biggest episodes that we've ever had here on the

podcast. A lot of people send messages to him, to me. A lot of people enjoyed it. So thank you so much for showing up on that episode. I hope you guys are enjoying the show. We've got some more incredible, incredible. incredible stories coming up soon, that recordings that I've done, I can't wait to drop them. I wish I could just drop an episode five days a week. Send me a message if you'd ever be interested

in such madness. I know one person out there that would. But thank you guys, as always, for all this support. It's been incredible, more than I ever imagined. So thank you so much. Let's keep the podcast rocking. I try to keep the beginning here short because I know you all want to get right to the story. So let's do that. Let's jump right in to Kate's story and I'll see you at the end. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got Kate with us. Kate, how are you? I am really good. I am alive. I am sober and it's just not raining. So life is peachy. Yeah, I love that. Thank you so much also for being willing to share your story with us all here on the show. And how we start every episode is with the same question. What we

was it like for you growing up? I grew up in London, in a big house. I had three siblings. We're all very close in age. And it was a bit like, I don't know if you know the book Tales of the City with Mrs. Madrigal. And there are all these amazing people coming in and out all the time. You know, my dad was a very successful publisher.

And our house was filled with authors and illustrators and well-known sort of hosts on TV and stuff like that. So I would literally have lunch with Roll Doll, coffee with Bob Gailoff, and Laurie Lee once walked into my room asking where the toilet was. It was just incredible. It was a house that was always open. My parents are both American. They were very not like the typical English families who lived around us who were kind of like

make an appointment and come for tea and bring biscuits. They were like, come in whenever you want, just bring a bottle of wine or a bottle of gin. Stay the night, stay as long as you want, bring friends. So it was a kind of amazing experience. And I was never alone. There were always people there. It was very, very busy. And saying that, I have a very tempestuous relationship with my mother and always have done and still do.

And my father was always working. So I learned from a very young age to be very self-sufficient. I'm a very confident person, but I've never relied on anyone. And I look back even at the age of five or six. And I was kind of forging my own way, trying to work out who I was in this kind of crazy, magical world. I went to a fantastic school down the road. You know, I really can't complain about anything and I hear a lot of stories on your podcast about people who have got troubled childhoods and difficult childhoods and they go through all sorts of trauma. But I genuinely cannot think of

any trauma from my childhood. It was a bit crazy and I'm sure a psychiatrist would say differently and say, oh my gosh, you know, how long have you got? Let's break this apart. But for me, I happy, I was free, I was allowed to come and go as I wanted to, I was allowed to have any of the friends I wanted to, and I was safe. So that was my early childhood. When my parents split up, I moved house, so I moved away from this kind of amazing house. My father moved to Paris, and I moved to another part of London. And I started, and this is so common, Brad, isn't it, at the age of 14, I mean, how often do you hear that number? And when I hear people interviewed and they're about to say it.

I just know they're going to say it. It's like the golden age of people who develop a problem with drinking seems to be 14. And I've always looked much older than I am. Well, hopefully not now, but when I was younger. So I was the one who would go and buy beers. We would go and sit in the park and we would just smoke, put on our stereo and drink until the beers were gone. And, you know, it was just fun. And I got through my kind of 14, 15, 16, just doing that all the time.

anytime I could. And I was always a big drinker. I didn't start small. I didn't start by kind of having half a can and then thinking after six months, or I might have two, I drank whatever there was and quickly. And I had blackouts even back then when I just couldn't remember getting home. I don't know how I managed to get away with that. But I did and I managed to cover it up and just collapse and then just say I was tired. But then I didn't go to university. So I went to college and College, my drinking completely escalated. I'm not academic. I'm very creative.

I struggled at school a lot. So I spent all my time in the pub, basically. And I remember falling asleep, age 17, trying to walk home through this field in a ball gown after a college ball and coming two hours later. And I'd been asleep in this field, in the dark, on my own, in the middle of the country, in this dress, this skimpy dress, for I don't know how long

and just sort of waking up and stumbling my way home and I look back now when I was thinking about things that happened to me when I was a teenager and I think that is terrifying I've got two teenagers now

and the thought of them in that vulnerable situation is terrifying but I did it and I laughed about it and other people laughed about it and kind of egged me on like what have you done this weekend Kate or you know

oh Kate's always up for a party I moved into a house where my dad lived and he was never there. So I had free reign of the house. I'd wake up in the morning and there were strangers from college sort of sleeping in the living room. I didn't know who they were. I couldn't remember the night before.

It was basically a mess. And by the time I finished my A levels, I didn't need to go to university because I'd done all the partying that most people do at university. And I went back to London and I got a job in media. I'm a writer. So my first job was an editorial assistant on a Disney comic. So I went straight into the world of media that was highly fueled by alcohol.

Everyone in my team went to the pub every day for lunch. Anyone who was single went out after work every day. I would still go out every weekend. I mean, I think I probably didn't have a drink for five days a year. Throughout my 20s and my 30s, actually. It was just everything. It was who I was. it had become absolutely without a doubt the main part of my identity.

Everyone would always assume I was going to go drink. I was still a complete mess. I would still have accidents. I got hit by cars. You know, I ended up in hospital and the doctor said, you were so drunk, nothing got broken, but you should have two broken arms and two broken legs. You've just got concussion.

And I remember being, like feeling very strange and very scared, but three days later I was back at the pub. You know, nothing seemed to stop me. Alcohol was just what people did. And when I looked back at my childhood, I always thought alcohol was just kind of what made adults relax. It was fun. It was what all the cool people did.

And where I was in my life and I looked around, all the people I wanted to hang around with also drank like me. And I don't know whether that's because I was automatically drawn to them. Because when you're a heavy drinker, you can go anywhere and you will immediately identify the people. who drink like you and you gravitate towards them because they're not going to make you feel awkward. They're always going to be up for opening another bottle of wine. And I don't know whether that's what was happening or whether it just was genuinely all around me. I don't know. But

that's definitely how it felt that it was just everywhere. Yeah, wow. So much to unpack there. Thank you for sharing all that with us. So you had three other siblings growing up. That's pretty busy. Cool, though. A lot of fun, right? A lot of people around. And then you mentioned there too. Your parents separated. Is that what happened? Yeah. And you went to live with your mom.

I had to go live with my mom. I never got on with my mom. I'm very close to my dad. But my father was a publisher and he got a job in Paris. So I couldn't move there because I was at school in London. So I moved in with my mom and then my dad was out of the equation. And, you know, my dad is gay. And that's what happened.

They split up. apparently she'd always known, but that she hated him. She hated what was happening. And she blamed me because I was so close to him that she took all of this anger out on me, which just pushed me away further, which is kind of why I was out all the time, because I didn't care, I didn't get on with her, and I didn't care, because she was already disappointed in me. So I only stayed there for a couple of years, and as soon as he moved back,

I moved back and I moved to a different county, and I lived there with him. Gotcha. So yeah, that's a common thread too in a lot of stories. And I know you have your own show and it might have heard it too, right, about parents separating and then the dynamics there and how things change. And it sounds like too, just from hearing a little bit of your story, you go from this household where everybody's welcome and people are around and everything. And then in this situation changes. So you find yourself at 14, you start drinking. I'm always so interested in one way or another about, How that comes to be, was it friends around you? I think as children and teenagers, we're always looking to push the boundary to the next level of cool, the next level of age. We want to be 13 when we're 10. We want to be 16 when we're 13. And I think because I saw the teenagers drinking, that was the natural progression. As soon as me and my friends were allowed to get our hands on alcohol, that would be what we would do. And I think that's common.

And we weren't, you know, from where I stand and looking back, we just wanted to have fun. We weren't all from dysfunctional families and we were kind of like, oh, let's go out because we don't want to be home. It wasn't like that. It was let's do it because it's exciting and because we can. You know, we weren't aware of the dangers. We weren't drinking bottles of vodka. We were drinking beer and cider. And although that can be dangerous, we weren't drinking 20 cans of it.

So for us, we were. just cool. It was like, oh, what did you do last weekend? Oh, we went to the cinema and we're like, well, we sat out and we got drunk and we met some local rapscallions who came along and they had a fight, you know, and it was just exciting. It's boring at that age. You're not old enough to go to a pub. You're too old to sort of just want to hang around at home and, you know, watch TV with your younger siblings. You want to be out doing something. And that just fit the void perfectly. So that's what we did. It's what everyone did. Yeah, interesting. When I think back to when I was in high school, I wasn't really part of the cool, the cool crowd you could say. I mean, maybe later in high school,

I started to get more acceptance from people. But yeah, I mean, and I grew up in the US. I live in Canada now, but I grew up in the US. I went to high school there. It's interesting. And maybe it's the age. What age in the UK can you start drinking at? Oh, God. I don't even know. I think it's 18. Is it? Okay. Yeah. Because I know. U.S. it's 21. Canada, some parts of Canada is 18. Where I live now, it's 19, so 18. So maybe just become more familiar with it because I guess the whole thing I'm saying here, when I was in high school, I didn't really notice. There were obviously people partying, but this high school had 7,000 people. It wasn't to me at the time, like a thing that

everybody was getting in. I didn't really hear chatter and stuff. And I wasn't overly involved in those things. So it is interesting, too, about kind of starting into it. And then, you know, the cider and stuff, that seems to be really big from my conversations with people. It's just an interesting dynamic to get started. And then you start to experience some consequences relatively early on and keep things going with it too, right? Some scary times. Blacking out is, you know, is a scary thing.

So where do things go for you after that, after you're getting this job? Well, I think that's when I started to start some kind of. branch off from just doing what everyone else was doing and realizing that my drinking was much heavier and actually I'm a serious drinker and maybe I shouldn't be proud of it because actually I'm seeing the people I'm hanging around with and we're drinking heavily every night and the other people I know will only drink on weekends but I kind of carried on doing that and I worked in publishing and I moved around and I decided that my life wasn't moving and I don't know if you had this. But I felt, and I know now this is alcohol that was keeping me trapped, I felt like I was

kind of wandering around searching for something, searching for me, waiting for something to click into place so that I knew where I stood in life, waiting for life to begin. But the years are ticking by Brad and I'm like, I'm not changing. I'm not evolving. And it's because I was going to the pub every night. How are you meant to evolve? How is your brain kind of meant to move on to the next level. How are you meant to have interests when you are sitting in a pub having ridiculous conversations with the same people every night, month after month? So what I decided to do was to move to America. I've got an American passport. So I literally decided I'm going to go. And I'm one of these people who would just jump in the deep end and be fascinated about how I'm going to find my way

back to shore. I don't think about things. And that's good in a way and it's bad when you think about drinking and situations you put yourself in. You think you're invincible and you know, you add alcohol to that mix and it's terrifying. So I decided I was moving to America. Next thing, you know, I'm on a plane. I moved to New York, got an apartment in Brooklyn and I started working at Scholastic on Broadway. I was in the film department and guess what? I found all the Irish drinkers in my company. I started to go into my local Irish bar and I went on a date with this American guy and I remember I ordered a second glass of wine and he looked at me and he went, do you think you need that? I'm not going to attempt an American accent. And I thought,

this is never going to work. You know, you're judging me already. There's no way I want to go out with someone again who's going to be like this. So I literally did just party for a couple of years, but I did it in New York and instead of falling asleep in fields in Gloucestershire, I fell asleep on the subway and woke up in the Bronx, not remembering having got on the subway. in Manhattan. I mean, it was scary stuff again. And I'm so lucky that I'm still here because the situations I put myself in were incredibly dangerous. And I was so cocky. I thought I was invincible. Nothing really bad had ever happened to me. And again, I wasn't moving forward. I had a good job. And I looked like I was kind of having the best life ever. And I told myself that's what's

happening. But it, but it wasn't. I was still now in my 20s and doing the same thing and moving towards my mid and late 20s. You know, so then of course, well, this isn't working. I'm not really doing anything. So I moved back to England. And it literally just went on repeat. You know, I have had some wonderful relationships. I've got some wonderful friends and I've been really lucky in my job.

My career is fantastic. I'm still a writer. And I work with some incredible companies. But when I think about myself, Brad, in my 20s and my early 30s, I'm ashamed to say that there's nothing to report at all about Kate and how how I progressed as a person. I had no interests. I literally had no hobbies. And to admit that and to acknowledge that. And the depression that alcohol brings was really starting to catch up with me. I've never been depressed, but I woke up every morning hating myself

and saying, why am I doing this again? You know, and that catches up with you. I didn't like looking in the mirror. I didn't like who I was. I wasn't doing anything to make myself proud. And I just thought, you're wasting your life. You've wasted so much of your life and you're carrying on. Why are you doing this?

And that is when things started to get a bit more sinister, I think, with my relationship with alcohol. I was drinking at least a bottle of wine every night. even if I was just home, on my own, I would open wine. You know, on the weekends, I could drink two bottles or three bottles. And I was just doing it because I'd been doing it since I was a teenager. You know, it's this vicious cycle. It's become my comfort blanket.

It's what I do. It's who I am. Everyone knows that. And to step out of that when you've got no foundation at all, everything's been built on alcohol and socializing. So to step out of that, alone is quite scary because you're stripped bare and you're having to admit you're a woman in your 30s who has nothing to show for her life other than what, partying with strangers.

I can't remember. It's all merged into one big party. I don't know where I lived. I have to look at my CV to work out where I lived at what parts of my life. I mean, that's not good, is it? Yeah. I mean, you're at a place too where you're very honest about how things played out. And I, I noticed that there's a lot of people, and I know there's a lot of people out there who are just still in. I mean, we could call it whatever we want, denial, or we could call it that we're just not conscious of it yet or we're just not aware of it yet. But I think that's the impact it has, right?

As we look back and in decades have gone by and some of us look around. I mean, the job's going well. Things are going well. I mean, that's so cool. You're probably like, I'm moving to New York. I've got this job. You're getting, you know, lots of praise. You're doing well with things.

But it's like when we look back and reflect at our personal life, in the self-development we've done internally, you mentioned hobbies and interests. You didn't have things that really brought joy to your life or fire. Those are the things we sacrificed because how can we even get that stuff involved in our life when we spend every evening going out drinking or every other or whatever it is? And then the next day, we start our day off. You know, the most terrifying thing to me about this whole thing is we start our day off.

in this anxious, some people call it a anxiety, you know, this sadness. And it's not even necessarily that we're sad or that we're extremely anxious. It's the poison that we've consumed the night before that brings upon this thing. And then we make a pact with ourselves. We make a commitment. I'm done. This is it. I'm at least I'm going to take tonight off.

And then, you know, then there goes a decade off the calendar where we've had the same conversation with ourselves so often. And then I think where we're getting to in your story is kind of the next level, right? It's the shame builds. Yeah. We're not happy with where we're at. And then it's like, this is the only tool on our belt. The disappointment was huge to the point where I stopped saying I'm going to take a day off,

to the point where I never did dry January because I was so disappointed in myself, I didn't need to put any more pressure on myself. and any more disappointment. I didn't need any more people saying, oh, look, you haven't managed to do it. And it was more to do with myself. I just started to feel like a complete failure and you cannot be happy and positive in life

if you think that you're rubbish, you're a disappointment. I'm full of shame. I'm still embarrassing myself. I'm still scared to look at my phone. You know, I walk into work and there's my boss looking at me because I fell over and face planted the paper. pavement at an important work to, always constantly, it was me. I was at the center. I would walk into a bar and I thought to myself, am I going to be able to walk out of here and get home or am I

going to be carried out of here or what's going to happen? I knew it was going to happen. I knew I was like that, but I still did it. And that was what really bothered me. And actually, I was really lucky in that I met a guy and we started. started going out and we drank too much and we were getting drunk all the time. We started to argue and after about three or four months we said, let's move abroad because, you know, that's what I do. So we moved to Rome. Like, he got it.

He's a teacher and I'm still with him actually. So, you know, he's a teacher and I'm a writer. I just need my laptop. So we moved to Rome and a few weeks before we moved in together for the first time, I found out I was pregnant. And I remember at our leaving party, I wasn't drinking. and everyone mentioned it. Everyone said, are you pregnant?

Because that's the only way Kate Taylor wouldn't be having a drink. And again, more shame. And I didn't actually want to tell people, but I had to because it was obvious, because why else wouldn't I be drinking? So I stopped drinking for nine months because I didn't want to harm my baby. And as we all know, alcohol is bad for you.

But that brings up a question of, If I know that alcohol is bad for my baby and I don't want to harm them, what does that say about what I've been doing to myself and the value I place on myself because I've been doing this to myself for so long and I have never stopped. So I'm basically saying, well, you're not worth it. I'm someone's child. You're someone's child. But we just think, well, I'm going to kind of completely poison myself from the inside out.

But I won't do it for this baby. So I did stop for nine months. but then I picked up again and I don't know why I did that because actually I found it easy to stop I was so excited I mean I was a bit terrified I don't speak Italian and I had to give birth

in Italy surrounded by doctors shouting in Italian and I didn't know what I was doing I didn't have any friends over there I was just this big fat pregnant woman in the middle of a city but it worked out fine and my son Luca was born over there But the point is that I never thought it was a real option for me not to be a drinker.

Even at that point, even after having nine months off, I still thought, but that's what I do. I can't imagine life without alcohol because it would be so boring. I literally just think I would sit and waste my life away doing nothing. And that's where we've got to start changing the narrative because we're not meant to drink alcohol as humans. It's something we start to do and it affects our brain. It affects every part of our life. And to think that it's going to be boring not taking this drug is absolute bonkers. You know, no, you get to actually live life in Technicolor when you stop taking a drug.

It's the total opposite. But we convince ourselves that we've got a life of greyness and sitting there, you know, learning to knit socks because what else would you do? And I think that's why things like this podcast is so important. Because I know there are so many people out there who still believe that. And we know it's not true, don't we? But I picked it straight back up and then I got pregnant again. And I moved back to England.

And then after that second child, back up again. And that takes you to kind of the whole mummy wine culture thing, which I don't know if you want to get into. But that's a whole other level of drinking, even worse than the kind of media industry lunches, if I'm honest. Thank you for sharing that. And that's so much, there's so much truth to that. The thought of things being boring. The thought of things being really low and kind of blah.

I mean, at first, there might be aspects of that. It's going to be different. You're changing your friends. You're not going out to events. Things are changing. You're finding yourself uncomfortable in some social situations. But you're present for things. You're going through it.

You're processing. For some of us, maybe for once in our life, as an adult. A lot of us, we have time as children where we're not. drinking and we have to go through all these things, but in our adult life, these events and these work things and whatever it is could very well be the first time we're doing the things. So of course it's going to be uncomfortable. That's a normal part of life. And I think that sometimes we really blow it up.

I did anyway. I really blew it up. Like, oh, this is so strange. I don't know what to do with my hands. It's really weird. But then when I reflect back and I look at it now, I'm like, that's how everybody else was feeling the entire time. That's just the way it is.

That's life. Yeah, that's life. And it is so interesting, yeah, about the boring part. But I mean, if I look at, if I reflect back to when I was drinking and when I was wrapped up in the madness, it was literally predictably the same thing every single day. Some new adventures

here and there, some different risk-taking stuff, but not much positivity, not much self-development, because you're not really able to tap into it. Because in life now, When things get difficult and things are hard, we really are forced to work on it, to manage the emotions that come in, to come up with plans of action, to come up with solutions and ways to move forward. When drinking is in our life, and not everybody's going to be drinking every day, but when drinking is in our life, the good days, the bad days, the sad days, the happy days, the promotions, the parties, the weddings, the new years, the crisp, whatever it is. We don't go through any of the emotions.

We just drink and we just don't even address or deal with it. So, yeah, that is an incredible point to make is that life is not going to be this boring thing. We do more now. You know, some people will share, they've done more in one year of sobriety than they feel like they did in 10 years drinking. As far as different adventures and building relationships and finding new things and maybe career advancements or maybe career changes, I mean, those are all exciting things. happy you brought that up. But when was the earliest time in your story that you were like, I've got a problem here. Something is up here and I might have to change it someday. Did you have any thoughts like that? I did. And I think it was when my kids were about five and six. And I was

rushing story time. I was avoiding story time so I could get downstairs to open a bottle of wine and watch Netflix. Now, any parent is going to say that that's concerning to admit that to yourself. And, you know, I would go to the pubs after school with other parents and kids and I would stagger home with my children. And actually, once I started, once my actions and my drinking started to have an impact on these two innocent children who looked up to me and who loved me and who would hold their little hands in mine. And as I was swaying along the road, or they would find me asleep on the sofa, I couldn't ignore that anymore, you know, but I was in this constant kind of survival mode. So I was constantly catching up with myself. I was either thinking about drinking,

drinking, recovering from drinking, you know, it was all the time. And when that is happening constantly in your life, it is so hard to sit down and really think about where you are, what you're doing wrong, how you're going to rectify it, because you're just trying to keep on top of the laundry and to make sure your children are safe and all these other things. And then, of course, it's drinking time again. So you're avoiding anything. And that's why it might feel boring is because you're spending all your time. Your body is completely focused on keeping you alive. Your brain is constantly running through everything you've done you shouldn't have and then kind of commiserating with drinking.

But actually when I started to say, this isn't good enough, I will never be able to do this again. My kids are starting to talk about it. They are remembering my daughter brought me a glass of wine on Mother's Day for breakfast because she said it was my favorite drink. You know, that kind of stuff smacks you in the face. And I got really drunk on the 20th of December. a few years ago, and I pulled out my iPhone and I recorded myself and I was crying and I was

saying, this isn't you, Kate, please, I was begging with my sober self to stop doing this to me. I was saying, this is a drug. You are poisoning yourself. You are ruining everything. You are worth more. This isn't you. Please, please, please, please. You know, tears streaming down my face. I'm slurring. And I woke up the next morning and I've got chills just talking about it. it really because it took me a long time and I'm talking over six months to watch that video but I knew it was there and it clicked and I thought this is not all your fault Kate you are not useless you are a strong woman you are completely capable of changing your life you're making the decision to drink this stuff and you have no idea how it's been affecting you what are you

capable of without it it's time to fight it's time to fight for that 14 year old girl who had the whole world ahead of her, but who's drunk it all away, but you've still got the time to do this. And these kids are still young enough to have a sober mother who they love and respect. You've got to do this now. And I got this. I can only describe it as a kind of fire in my belly. And I got angry at alcohol for the first time in my life, because I've tried to give up before, and I just felt like I was being deprived of something that I wanted.

And that mentally is not going to cut it. But this time, I was angry. And I had this kind of mental image of myself in armour with my children behind me and alcohol in front of me. And I was like, I'm fighting. I'm going to do this. This is my chance. If I don't do this now, I'm going to be 50 and then I'm going to be 60 and I'm going to be in the same place. And then I'm going to be sitting on that rocking chair if I'm lucky enough to make it.

And I'm going to look back and I am going to regret everything. And that's when it clicked. And it had been a couple of years of me being really, really disappointed in myself. I'd been disappointed in myself for so long. But it was making me really sad. And I felt like I was wasting my life. And I was a disappointment to my children. And that's what got me in the end.

Yeah, that's so powerful to make that video too. And wait six months there. But you know it's there and you know things have to change. And it's interesting. bring up there too about feeling deprived when you had tried to quit before. And I think that's a big mental shift that needs to happen is we have to stray away from we're giving up something and we have to really focus on everything that we're gaining. You know, make a list if you're early on in your journey or wherever you're at. Really get honest with yourself about what you're gaining and you're really

not giving up anything, but there's nothing there to give up. And then your entire life can change. everything can change. So you make that decision. That was a couple of years ago. You get into it. You want to fight. You're angry with alcohol about where you've ended up in your relationship with it. You've gotten to the point to where you kind of let yourself off the hook in a sense, right? This isn't your fault. I mean, at the end of the day, we're dealing. I think it's number three on highly addictive drugs on most lists, right? Number three and some different ones, but it's always in the top five, whoever puts together list. So we're dealing with a highly addictive substance that if you keep going back, I think for duration, that, you know, it's not unlikely to get addicted to it, to get a different.

Right. And we get in that shame spiral. We get in that cycle of beating ourselves up and being so upset with ourselves. And I think that's because deep down there's this little, maybe little, maybe big. There's this voice. There's this feeling. There's this gut feeling that we can do. do so much more. We're capable of so much more. And then we feed that a little bit. It's like a

little monster, you know, and then the little monster grows a little bit. And then eventually you get to a spot where the monster is bigger because we fed it a little bit. And then the voices get a little bit louder and then maybe we start to believe it. So walk us through the first little bit. When did you get sober? And what did the couple days leading up to it or is that what we already talked about? What did all that look like? That's what we talked about. And it was a few days before Christmas. So my house was full of alcohol. And I think for about four or five days, I had awful sleep. You know, I was just sweating a lot. I felt awful and I looked awful because I was in a really bad place. You know, I was at the point where if I drank a bottle of wine,

you wouldn't be able to tell it. It just wasn't touching the surface anymore for me. But I thought, know, I've got to do this now. While I feel like this, I've got to do it now. And, you know, people gave me gifts of alcohol for Christmas. And I just thought I've got to get through. And I did it on my own initially. But I think after about two or three days, I realized I need support. I need to have other people who are inspiring around. And that's when I started searching for podcasts. And that's why I love doing them. Because for me, I would be laying in the bath upstairs, crying, what is my life going to be like? And I would put a podcast on and I would hear someone tell my story and it would just give me this immense amount of comfort and understanding.

And I just thought they've done it and they're saying they're proud and they would never go back and their life has changed. And it just inspired me to keep going. And I would listen to something every day. And I got through all those first days and the first weeks just filling my with as much knowledge as I could. Because actually, once you understand how bad alcohol is, and I had no idea. I did not know it caused cancers. I didn't know it killed three million people a year. You know, I had no idea the effect it was having on my brain and my body.

I just thought it was the drunken side of alcohol that I had to worry about, the things I did when I was drunk. But it started to terrify me when I found out the sort of science behind it and what it actually does and what's in it. So I kept feeding myself and I joined a 100 day challenge because I needed something to tell people because everyone who I said I wasn't drinking would kind of go, what, you? So I just said, I'm doing this 100 day challenge. Do you want to do it with me?

And they'd go no, but I'd go, right, that gives me 100 days. A for myself and B, people will get off my back for a little bit because I don't want to talk about all of this yet because I don't know who I am, what I'm thinking, what I'm going to do, how I'm going to do it, but I want to be left alone. And I really didn't go out much at all for the first sort of month or two as soon as I had a craving. And I actually, I don't think they are cravings as much as associations, you know, because I had opened a bottle of wine at about six o'clock every night for decades, I associated that time with wine. So I would go out. If it was pouring with rain, I would go out and I would walk until the time had passed and I'd come home. Or I'd go and have a bath for

hour or two, you know, just to get away from the kitchen, to get away from that sofa that I would sit on. And slowly, the associations in my mind started to create new ones. Well, we haven't done this for a few weeks. We haven't done this for a few months. So that's not the go-to. There is another option. And I really worked on that. And I listened to other people. I listened to what other people had to say. I got a notebook. I started journaling what to do, different ideas. I started writing down things that people said that really struck me. And when I felt weak and like I wanted to go back, I would read them. And I really supported myself. And one thing I did do was I looked in the mirror and I said, I love you to myself. And it was so emotional. And it looked bizarre. I was just

standing in my bedroom saying, I love you, and I burst into tears because I realized I had not been looking after myself. I had not had any self-respect. I had not been loving myself for so long that even saying those words pushed me further because I became my own ally. I felt like I was doing this and it was exciting. And I was going to do something good for once, something I wouldn't be ashamed of, you know, and you get used to waking up in those early days and not feeling that awful regret or am I still in my clothes? Do I have to look around for clues? Did I have an argument last night? Was I to blame? What's on my phone? Slowly, when those things go, you get stronger and stronger every day, you know, and I would buy myself little gifts at the end of every week.

Just to say, you've done it, you've saved money, here's something, and it might be a pen or something. You know, I'm not talking about expensive shoes, but it's just something that I could physically look at and say you deserve that. The things you're doing are really brave and they're really good. And I started this whole new way of talking to myself, you know, in my mind and out loud. And it really changed who I was. I just started to become the person that I was always searching for. Yeah. Wow. Those are some incredible tools, right, that you put together. And yeah, everybody has that sort of time or that association, as you mentioned there, with drinking, right, whether it's seeing the flashing open sign or whether it's the kitchen. And I mean, you hear so many stories, right? A lot of us

start out with the social aspect, right, going to the bars, to the pubs. And then you hear so, so often as we get into this other stage about it's just at home, like a lot of the times it's just at home. And it's interesting and then changing stuff up and going for walks. Like, that's so powerful for people. I feel like sometimes I had this. teacher in sixth grade and she would always say this uh this expression kiss keep it simple stupid and she would always say that about everything in when fellowship groups they do have to keep it simple saying but i feel like sometimes we try to complicate this whole thing you know i get messages that i'm sure you do too and it's like everybody wants this uh if anybody's played golden eye on

nintendo 64 you had the golden gun and one shot you'd take somebody down it was a beautiful thing but everybody seems to want that one solution, that one thing that's just going to be magical and just change everything. And I don't know if there is exactly one thing out there, but I feel like sometimes we do complicate a very simple process about, hey, these are the things that are coming up in our life. We have got to do something different consistently because a lot of people share the story of decades of use and decades of routines and an identity becomes intertwined with alcohol. It creeps into every area of our life. And we convince ourselves if we don't look like that and we're not losing our job and things

are not, you know, completely falling apart, even though internally they've been falling apart for us for a long time, that if none of that stuff is happening, then there's nothing to see here. We can keep it going. And I love those strategies you utilize because they're very practical, going for a bath, going for a walk, it's when you get those overwhelming feelings of going back to what you're used to, you have to get moving. You know, so the big question is not like, is not always how to get sober.

The big question is, what are you willing to do to stay sober? Because just something simple as a walk and so many people share this and I had one guy on the show and he walked like three hours a day for the first month. And it was so helpful for him. But I feel like sometimes when you mention it to people, if people aren't committed, I don't know if it matters what you mentioned to try. Because I tried it. I did that.

I did. Didn't work. Didn't work. Didn't work. And it's like, well, okay, now we're kind of left with the question. What are you willing to do if none of this stuff worked? You don't want to keep on the path of drinking, but you're not willing to in a journaling and writing down stuff, reflecting on stuff, getting support, being part of a community.

I mean, where did you learn that these things would be helpful through the podcast you were checking out? I just did what I felt like doing, what made sense to me. And it's like you say, you know, there are some people who will sit on a chair metaphorically. And you'll bring them all these ideas. And they're like, it's not working. I'm not moving forward. Ultimately, you have to get up and take the steps yourself or you're not going to move forward. And actually, I think there is no one solution. But there is one thing. that I think does change it and it's self-love and self-respect, if you have that and you start to say, I'm not going to do things that are going to hurt me, that's so simple. But actually, it encompasses everything in your life. Putting that poison into your body is harmful. The way you act is harmful. And when you feel like something's going to happen that's going to make you sad or angry or drink, you go and do something that is relaxing. And being in nature, has this amazing ability to make you feel both small and huge at the same time.

Everything around you is growing. There are people getting on with their days. You can get up early in the morning and go out for a war where there's no one around. You see different things at different times and you're moving. And that physical movement is so healthy for you and healthy for your brain. And it was almost just intuition. I knew it would help me. And I knew if I was walking in one direction, I wasn't looking at the fridge or I wasn't

looking at where the red wine usually was. So for me, it just came naturally. I just thought, walk, you know. And I didn't have any of these other hobbies that we talk about. But I think using your hands, and I think you said that earlier, is really important. You know, I picked up the guitar that I hadn't really learned. And I started playing on the piano that I hadn't played since I was about 13, anything. And actually, that's where my Instagram account came in, because I thought, this is a really good tool that will keep me accountable.

and I will meet other people and I am creative. So it allowed me to create fun, short reels and to post my thoughts and people interacted with it. And I just thought, you know, this is incredible. It's something I can do every day. And bit by bit, I grew stronger and I started to know myself. And I had more and more self-respect and self-love to the point where I didn't want it anymore. And that is the ultimate goal, isn't it? when you start to feel like you can finally focus on your life and you suddenly do realize

this is not boring. It's anything but there is so much opportunity out there. I look so much better. That's when the real fun begins and it is hard to begin with. But actually it's absolutely possible and support is out there. You're part of a great group and you've got this amazing podcast. You have always answered every message I've ever sent you. You know, people like you are helping thousands of people, and I think people need to not be afraid to reach out.

It's non-judgmental, this community. And I did that. And I cannot believe it, but I'm here. And now I'm two years down the line. And it's, yeah, it's just incredible. I'm so happy and I'm so proud of myself. And I never thought I'd hear myself say that. Yeah, that is incredible.

And reaching out and asking for help. And I think being willing to take the help that's offered, the advice and the direction or suggestions that people offer to can make a world of difference. It's a huge congrats to, by the way, on two years. I mean, hearing your story and in hearing that two years brings me definitely a lot of joy to start off my Tuesday morning like that because it's just so powerful. It's one of those things that we maybe never thought would be part of our lives. And then two years later, here we are is we never thought that would be maybe part of our life and how things change in the connections we make along the way. I mean, meaningful connections.

And you mentioned too there. In the beginning, it can be hard. But, you know, anybody, if you're listening, if there's anybody out there who's kind of in the beginning and it can be hard, you know, the way I look at it is like keeping the train going is hard. Keeping it going, waking up. I mean, look at the consequences that are part of your life. Get real honest about it. And both things are going to be hard. And I think we, the thing is sobriety might. be hard at the beginning and there's going to be hard moments, but eventually your life's going to really improve and it's not going to be as hard. The thing with drinking, continuing to drink, is if you think it's hard today, it's going to be much harder in five years. It's going to be

much harder in 90 days. So the thing is, with drinking, there's no light at the end of the tunnel. For most people, it progressively gets worse. But if you get into sobriety and you give this all a chance and you stay on the course. And I know a lot of people listen to the show or are sober already. And then there's other people who are, you know, curious in that stage. But you have to stay the course because it will get better. And the thing is, and that's kind of what motivated me in a sense is,

I really knew where my life was heading. It was extremely predictable. I would get arrested. I would lose stuff. I would burn bridges. I ended up living on my brother's floor in his apartment. And I had every opportunity that you could have had was presented for me. college, rehab, everything. And I couldn't help but think to myself, how in the heck that I end up here?

And I made a commitment to one morning, I woke up and it was just weird. I had sort of like this enlightenment, this spiritual experience of sorts that these thoughts started entering my brain. And they had before, but this time they wouldn't go away. It was like this nagging thing of like, you can do better, you can be better. Why don't you try? If you want to go back to this life, you always can. You know, like you could always get, the stores will probably be selling it and the, you know, other people will be selling stuff. You get back at the, why don't you give yourself a little bit of a shot? And that's kind of where it started. Now, I had no idea. I wasn't as enlightened as you, Kate, with walking and all this stuff. I had to learn to crawl first. But it was incredible.

It was incredible. And I think that's what we need to pay attention to those thoughts and those things that are encouraging us. And I love the part about self-love. I love that to be. you know, great place to start from. And that's an inspiring story where you talk in the mirror, you say, you know, you love yourself and it's emotional. Well, I'm glad you say it's inspiring because I listened to your podcast and I've always had a bit of imposter syndrome in that I think, well, I'm just a kind of fairly privileged middle class woman and I've been given so many advantages in life and I've still messed it up. You know, who am I to say, poor me? But actually, the number of people I know who are living in that situation who feel that way too and they think,

well, I'm not homeless or I haven't lost my job or my marriage because of it and they enable themselves to carry on because of it. That is so dangerous, you know. And if you think sobriety is hard, if you're living in constant survival mode, I promise you that's harder because I have never felt like this before in my adult life. I had no idea of the joy of being sober and waking up and looking forward to the day instead of automatically thinking about what happened the night before and hating myself, that is happiness. You know, that is not hard. That is the most incredible feeling in the world.

And now that I've done it for two years, I would never go back. Why would I want to? People have said to me, if you could have a drink and no one ever found out, would you do it? And it's like, you don't seem to understand. I am so happy. I don't want the staff. You know, I drank it for so long. I've drunk my share and half of yours.

I know what it does and I don't want it anymore. You know, no, I'm not tempted. You go for it if you want to. I'm not going to preach to you. But I finally feel like I'm living and I am getting hobbies. And I did go join an evening art class at the local college. And I do go walking and I have made so many new friends. And it was slow going, but do you know what?

I wanted it to be slow at the beginning because I didn't know who I was. I had burned my house down that I'd been living in for 20 years. And I want to replace those bricks one by one carefully as I build my new house. You know, I don't want to rush into it and surround myself with all these different things and hobbies and things to try and distract myself. I want to take time and build a house that I love that is secure and that is built on foundations of who I am because I have never. never lived in a place like that before. So just take your time. And I don't feel like you have to

rush it. If you're not drinking, you are doing a brilliant job. Yeah. At first, that's what it's all about. Like the first week or the first month for some is it's literally just, that's the only thing you have to get perfect. That's it is you just don't drink and things will get better. Someone listening to the show, Kate, who's in this curious stage, right? Maybe they're doing a dry January too because we've seen a big uptick in this dry January. They're contemplating moving forward, right? What is February bringer? Or somebody who's on their journey and they're struggling a little bit. What would you say to them? Oh, that's a tricky one, isn't it? Because I want to say the right thing because I know what's waiting at the end of February and the end of March.

All I will say is there is nothing back there for you. There is no good. Nothing good ever came from a drink, you know, and all you have to do is not take that first sip and the urges will go. You will socialise again. And your life, your relationships, your career, your creativity, your interests, you will become more interesting. Everything will change and the person that you want to be and the reason you've done dry January is because you know alcohol is not serving you. So give yourself a chance.

Look at yourself and say, I love you. and think about what you deserve. If this was your best friend or your sister or your daughter or your mother and you wanted them to have the best life, what would you want them to do? Stop putting yourself at the bottom of the pile. Stop saying it's going to get better because it's not going to get better. Alcohol is never going to serve you.

So just keep taking those steps and do it one day at a time because I promise you one day you will get to the point that Brad and I are at where you think, thank God I stuck to that. because it was the most incredible decision I ever made, and I don't want to go back. Wow, beautifully said. And I think there's so much truth to that, right? You have to hang in there to do it, right? Things are not going to all of a sudden make sense overnight.

But, yeah, really dig deep. And I love that to coming from a perspective of your children or another loved one or a partner of some sort of out if they came to you with the struggles. What advice or what would you mention to them about it? Because you're right. We put ourselves at the bottom of the pile and we come at ourselves a little bit sideways sometimes. Without that care and compassion and love that we should. And that's an incredible way that you can lock into that is by putting it like you're talking with somebody else that you really respect and care for and love and just switch that up on yourself. But yeah, everybody who's kind of on the journey, I mean, it's the 23rd today. We'll be putting this out later this week or next week. But yeah, it'll be close to coming to February.

and it'll be kind of a decision for people to make and see where they land with things. But even if you did 30 days, maybe push yourself next to 90, because I think you can really start to see more progress, you know, the longer you hang around. Kate, is there anything else you would like to end with? You know, I talk a lot, as I'm sure you've worked out,

and I think I pretty much covered anything, pretty much covered everything that I needed to say, but reach out, you know, I know Brad's DMs always open, so are mine. you are not alone in this and you are doing something incredible and you're worth it. And I know that sounds like a kind of L'Oreal advert, but it's true. And I just think, you know, if you are coming to the end of dry January, carry on. You know, be proud of yourself.

This is the most exciting thing. This is not just a struggle, just difficult. It's brilliant. It's exciting. Life is about to get so much more colorful. And it's all within your grasp. don't give up now. Yeah, beautiful.

Thank you so much. Where's the best place for people to find you? I am walking the straight line on Instagram, and that's the only social media place I've got. So you can find me there, goofing around a little bit, but, you know, I'm there all the same. All righty, perfect. Thank you again so much.

Thanks, Brad. It's been an absolute pleasure. Well, there it is. Another incredible episode. Thank you, Kate, so much for jumping on here. and sharing your story openly, honestly with us here on the Suburmotivation podcast. I got a ton from this episode and I knew you all will to. Do me a huge favor though.

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