Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Kathryn Sauser realized most of her problems in life where caused by alcohol and had an urgent need for change, she took a step and asked for help in February 2020 which transformed her life.

Episode Date: June 30, 2023

Join us on the latest episode of the Sober Motivation Podcast as we dive into Kathryn Sauser's inspiring journey of overcoming the challenges she faced with alcohol and overall addiction. Initially, these substances seemed to offer some peace from her pain, but eventually, they only intensified her struggles. In her quest for healing, Kathryn embarked on a geographical cure, hoping that changing her surroundings and engaging in various relationships would ease her inner turmoil. Tragically, she also had to confront the heartbreak of losing her father to alcoholism, making her path to recovery even more important. By day, Kathryn portrayed a fitness influencer persona, but by night, she battled her demons as a party animal. Realizing the urgent need for change, she took a step and asked for help in February 2020 which transformed her life. Tune in to hear Kathryn's compelling story of triumph over addiction, finding strength, and rebuilding her life on the Sober Motivation Podcast. -------------------- Follow Kathryn on Instagram Sign up for the July 5th SoberBuddy FREE ZOOM call Donate to support the show 🤗 Follow SoberMotivation on Instagram Check out more information about SoberLink  

Welcome back to season two of the sober motivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. Join us on the latest episode of the sober motivation podcast as we dive into Catherine's inspiring journey of overcoming the challenges she faced with alcohol and overall addiction. Initially, these substances seem to offer some peace from her pain. but eventually they only intensified her struggles.

In her quest for healing, Catherine embarked on a geographical cure, hoping that changing her surroundings and engaging in various relationships would ease her inner turmoil. Tragically, she also had to confront the heartbreak of losing her father to alcoholism, making her path to recovery even more important. By day, Catherine portrayed a fitness influence her persona, but by night she battled her demons. Recognizing the urgent need for change,

she took a step and asked for help in February 2020, which transformed her life. Tune in to hear Catherine's compelling story of triumph over addiction, finding strength and rebuilding her life on the Sober Motivation podcast. You are invited. Come and check us out for this free Sober Buddy Zoom group that we're hosting on July 5th at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. Get signed up today. I'll throw the link to sign up in the show notes,

or you can send me a message over on Instagram. at Sober Motivation, and I'll get you the link to sign up. We're going to be talking about the work. What is the work in recovery, and what can you do today to improve your situation, get started? This is going to be a fun event, lots of community, lots of connection. You can share or you can hang out and just listen. Join us on Zoom, July 5th, 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. I hope to see a couple of you there.

It's hard to find the motivation. get sober when you're in the trenches of addiction. It's easy to say I'll stop tomorrow or I'll cut back tonight. What's harder is putting action behind those words. That's why I've teamed up with Soberlink. Soberlink's remote alcohol monitoring system was specifically designed to help in your recovery, not just some breathalyzer you buy at the store. Small enough to fit in your pocket and discreet enough to use in public,

Soberlink devices combine facial recognition, tamper detection, and real-time results, so friends, and family know instantly that you're sober and working towards your recovery goals. Visit soberlink.com slash recover to sign up and receive $50 off your device. Buckle up for this one, everyone. Now let's get to the show. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got Catherine with us.

How are you? I'm good. I'm so excited to be here, Brad. Thanks so much for having me. Thank you so much for being here. Why don't you start us off with what was it like for you growing up? up. Holy crap. What a loaded question. I always try to keep this pretty simple. And I'm sure a lot of listeners can relate to this. You know, I grew up in a very, very, very small town in Dubuque, Iowa. The biggest thing

relating this to addiction is I grew up with an alcoholic father. He could not fight this addiction. He's no longer with us, sadly. But, you know, growing up was extremely hard due to the fact, you know, my dad was drinking at such a progressive pace. And with that, you have a mom. And with that, you have a who's dealing with an alcoholic father, alcoholic husband, and then two young girls in the house. It was all chaos. I'm talking every single day chaos. Maybe at the beginning of my childhood, it was a little bit more love and light. But as you know, Brad, with alcoholism, it brings out very darkness in the home. And so, yeah, my childhood was pretty, pretty hectic. And I found alcohol at 14. I think you are a product of your environment, and that's kind of what I was taught, is to use a substance to deal with everything, you know?

Yeah, wow. Sorry to hear that about your father. Yeah, you know, I always say this, which really helps me is he didn't get it so I could get it. I drank so much over grief, so much over grief. You know, he died when I was 21. I'm 33 now. So for over a decade, you know, I really worked on the grief during my recovery when I was living in Bali. I didn't process the grief until I got sober. So my first year of sobriety was like spirits will fucking warfare because I was finally looking at the stuff I was avoiding with substances. So that whole entire decade from 21 to 30, almost a decade, until I got sober at 30, I was avoiding that by drinking. so much because, you know, I never was an everyday drinker, ever, ever, ever, ever,

ever and everyday drinker. But when I stopped drinking, all of those childhood grief, emotions, trauma all came to the surface. And that was why I always drank again or I forgot how bad it was. And I was like, let's party, you know, let's do this again. And it's like, same story cat, you know. Yeah. No, I hear you on that.

So going back to growing up, when did you first pick up on that your dad was struggling with this and this was maybe part of it. of the reason for the chaos. Like, was it early on? Oh, yeah. I mean, God bless my mother. She was doing the best she could with the resources she had.

And I always say that before going into speaking about my childhood because there was so much trauma and so much abuse. My mom and I are in a very beautiful place. So I always say that before I go into talking about my mom. She was struggling with how to handle him. And at the time, I think it was like seven or eight. We were put in the middle of this.

All they're fighting and screaming. I remember counting. my dad's beers for my mom. And she'd be like, go out there and count his beers and see how much he's drinking. Because when the darkness, I'm afraid of the dark for this specific reason, because once we heard him come home from work, I specifically remember like hearing that can open. He would sit out on the porch and he would be out there for like two or three hours after work. And then right when the sun went down, it was always a fight.

I'm talking screaming, police called neighbors, just nuts screaming. And I knew at a very, very young age, I don't think I, like, put it quite together what exactly was happening. I just knew that my family was different than other people's families because I would go over to my friend's houses and they would be getting along. And they seemed to be really happy and they never was arguing. But I also, too, just was so used to the chaos as well that as time. went on, I just created more chaos in me. And my sister and I kind of went completely different ways as well where I kind of acted out and she more acted in. So I just kind of went 100 miles an hour with drinking. I mean, I started drinking at 13 and a half. That's a very young age. I don't know if you

just look at 13 year olds now. You're like, whoa, I drank at that age. But yeah, he progressed very, very, very fast. My parents got divorced pretty early. We thought that the divorce would maybe help, but he was an architect. So he built his own house out in the boonies outside of Dubuque. And it's kind of sad to say this, but when you get an alcoholic alone and we were going through such a bad divorce, he was really, really sad. He really loved us.

That's the thing with addiction too. You know, there's so many good parts of him and he loved my sister and I so much. But when he drank, he was so dark. And then when you put him out away from everyone in an isolated place, it went so fast. I'm talking so fast, he got a DUI, lost his job, became homeless, had to live in my mom's basement. It was bad. And he died at 59. So from 56 to 59, he lost his teeth. His skin was turning yellow liver damage. He was so skinny. Like,

there was literally nothing left of him. It went very, very fast. And I think that's something that I always look at too is how progressive alcoholism you don't realize that as you get older too, all of those years of drinking just catches up with you one day where you're like a completely different person. He literally was a completely different person. I could not even recognize him, which is sad because he was so beautiful, but that's just what happens when you're not, you know, willing to do this. He literally said he's going to die because drinking was his best friend. It was in the cards for him, unfortunately. But yeah, I knew at a young age, but I started drinking at 14 because I didn't want to deal with it. I was like, fuck this family. like I moved out at 16. I was like, got to go.

That's interesting. Yeah. The whole thing too about you being a little bit rebellious there. 13 scares me. I've got two daughters. And I'm just thinking of, oh my goodness, you know, the day is going to come that they're 13 and what I'm going to do with myself then, right? Yeah.

So you move out at 16. You start drinking at 13 and a half, 14 to avoid this stuff. I mean, that's heavy. And that's kind of where I'm hearing that more and more common, right? Because to me and to you here and there, it's like, yeah, that's young, right? 13, 14 is young. But I feel like I'm hearing this story a lot with 13, 14, 15 getting started with drinking. What was it doing for you at first?

I remember the first time I drank alcohol. I was in my mom's basement. It was gin and I, like, chugged it. And I literally was so sick. I was like, I'm never going to do this again. I mean, I didn't immediately again. But for me, it gave me so much relief and checked out of reality. I think even before I found alcohol.

my massive, massive addiction is fantasy, and I really love talking about sex love, fantasy addiction, and alcoholism all in one big lump sum, because it's all disassociation. So for me, like, I remember fantasizing about, like, a guy coming to save me when I was very, very young. And then once I found alcohol, it gave me access to getting more confident and, like, putting myself out there and, you know, maybe getting that love.

So it's all very, very intertwined. I definitely wasn't a shy person, but it just gave me that sense. of complete disassociation of checking out of reality. I hated my reality. I hated the fact that my parents always fought every single day. I hated my mother. I love her now, but I had such despise for her. She was extremely verbally abusive.

So was my dad. She was so obsessed with the house being clean. That was her kind of addiction. It's just fixating on cleaning the house. And so like she was screaming all the time about the house not being clean. And it just was like consistent yelling. Like all I remember when I was going through childhood trauma healing therapy is like I just wanted everyone to shut up.

Everyone to shut up, stop talking. And so that's what alcohol gave me. Just like get all of that stuff away. And then also the confidence to go do things that I was too scared to do sober. Yeah. So it's solved quite a few problems for you that you have. But then was the root of all my problems. Yeah.

It's weird. you say that because I was thinking of that today too because I saw this quote right to where alcohol ends up becoming much worse than everything that it's trying to help with. It like amplifies. It catches everything on fire. If you're anxious, you don't have the confidence or you want to fit in or all these things and then towards the end of it, it makes all that stuff so much worse. So you move out of the house at 16. Now what do you do? Are you still in Idaho? Iowa. Iowa. I love that. Everyone does that. I'm in Miami.

There's a few chapters in between. So one of the biggest things that I did was demographic jumping. So I would try to run away from myself, but I came with me. So long story short, I went from Iowa to Chicago, Chicago to Vegas, Vegas to L.A., to Montreal, to New York, to Bali, to Miami. So it was a freaking journey, man. You can see how my alcoholism or whatever you want to. to call it my drinking pattern was I ran away. I was a runner. I would run away from everything and think

that a new city would help, but the problems came with me and so did the shame and guilt. So I think that's such a big thing for me. I had so much shame and guilt that I thought like jumping to a new city would be helpful for me. And it wasn't. You know, it only made it worse because then not very many people knew me and I could act crazy again and people would start to know me and then I would be crazy again. So I think too, like where my alcoholism got really, really bad was when my dad died I moved to Chicago, but I was an accountant. And back in like those times, I was making below being able to afford rent in Chicago. And I had so much debt in student loans. Like my parents didn't take care of me or anything. And so I went to a trip to Vegas and I thought I was like a really,

really a great idea to apply to be a bottle service girl there. And I had already been working three jobs. So I always, always was a hard working girl. So regardless if I was drinking, I always worked because I had to take care of myself. Because I had so much debt, I thought it would be really good idea to start doing, you know, I saw how much the girls were making Vegas in and bottle service. And I applied and I got the job. So went to Vegas and that's where things got really, really crazy for me because think of it this way too. Like I'm a small town Iowa girl. Throw me in the materialistic world. I didn't even know what Chanel was and get to Vegas. There's, you know, rich guys everywhere. There's famous people. I'm serving $1,000 bottles of

champagne. It just took things to a full another level for me where my self-worth was so based on what I could get on the outside of me, that it took me to a really dark place because I kept drinking and more drinking. And I tried to feel I call it the God-shake tool with more stuff and more things. And it just kept getting bigger and bigger. And that was when it started getting really, really bad. Because I mean, I've always been someone who when I drank, I always did drugs as well. So that part of my story got pretty crazy. Then same with L.A., same thing. You know, putting myself in extremely dangerous situations. I still. have a hard time sharing parts of my story because they're very, very dark. But, you know, I put

myself in positions that I should be really dead. I think personally that the person that was drinking then, the younger version of me was trying to maybe kill herself in some way by putting herself in extreme dangerous situations because I couldn't find a way out. I was really wrapped up with the wrong people in Los Angeles. So at the time, I actually had met a guy. He was from Canada. and he basically like saved my life, to be honest. He was like, oh my gosh, you have so much potential. And like, he just took me out of this place. And I moved to Canada for a while with him.

And, you know, we had a pretty good relationship. But same thing there. And the one thing with alcoholism is that when two people are drinking, it's very hard to have a foundation. You know, both of us were just drinking so much. And that relationship cracked, which then took me to New York City. where I started getting into fitness.

And I knew that I always wanted to be in fitness. And the reason that I got sober was because of fitness. You know, I did a bodybuilding show. And I just was so sick and tired of being sick and tired that I didn't know what else to do besides sign up for maybe a bodybuilding show because there you can't drink as much, which that really, really helped me. Like, fixing my body helped me so much. And having those fitness goals helped me so much get momentum in my sobriety.

I'm sure that you can relate to that as well. Yeah, no, exercise, fitness. Yeah, it's huge plus, right? Even simple for me going for a walk. It's really boosts everything. You feel so much better just by doing something. I'm wondering more about your relationships there because you met the one fella. Was there other relationships you had throughout this whole journey? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think my biggest one was him. We were together for a very, very long time, you know, two and a half, three years. And we were so in love when we first met. I still look back and I'm like, oh my God, he loved me so much. But it's just sucks, man.

It really, really sucks when two people are both hurting so much. And you just take it out on each other in addiction. Like, it's all rainbows and butterflies at the beginning of a relationship when you go out and party and we would buy all these champions. He definitely was a wealthier guy. So he had the means to have these fancy things. And it seemed like I should have been like, oh my God, this is it. But I was dying on the inside.

And I don't want to speak for anyone else, but I do know that we just drank too much. And it just killed our relationship. And we did things that are really, really hurtful to each other. And it's very hard to come back. So here's the thing, too, with that type of relationship is I knew I wanted to change. And I have this a lot with my clients as well, where they want to grow, but some people don't want to grow with you. And you're like, come on, come with me.

Let's go. Let's do this together. And sometimes people just aren't ready yet. And that's how we grew apart too. I was like, come on, man. Like, we can't do this anymore. Let's try to have a new type of way of being. And he didn't.

And I had to keep going because we can't drag anyone with you. You just can't. I wish. I really, really wish. but I just had to keep moving forward and I didn't know if we would ever reconnect in the long run. But I know that I had to do this for myself. My sobriety has always been for me.

I never did it to make sure someone was okay. I did it all for me. That's why I feel like I have really inspiring sobriety is because I really did it for me and that's why I'm still sober because I've created all of this for myself and then everything else becomes the bonus. Yeah.

No, I love that. And that's so true. You can't drag other people. There's an old expression there that I'll drink before I get someone else sober. I think we have this idea that we have the power to get people sober. And my experience over the countless years working with people is, I mean, as much as you want to believe that that's true, it's a very hard thing to do. And at some point, people got to come back to themselves. They've got to be able to do it for themselves. I'm wondering, too, when was your first thought of like, this is a problem and I might need to do something? about it. It actually was in Canada, for sure, when I was living with my partner, because we would get in these crazy fights. I'm like talking unhinged fights. And I was like, whoa. And it was exactly my childhood home. I ended up becoming like he drank and then I would get up, it was just the same thing, childhood home. And I was like, this isn't going to work. And there wasn't really a specific time to be completely honest. When I was living in New York City and I started being,

a group fitness instructor at Barry's boot camp, I started doing these online fitness challenges. You know, I was just like, I'm going to start posting about helping them and get fit. I had already won my bodybuilding show. And I started getting so many clients, you know, who wanted me to help them with fitness and nutrition. And then I was hosting retreats in Tulu, Mexico, big fitness retreats. And I had all of this really good stuff happening for me, okay? But I was this girl on Instagram posting, Life is So Good. life's so great. And then on the weekends, I would get blacked out, do really embarrassing things,

wake up next to strangers who I don't know. And then I would go post on Tuesday, oh, yay, life's so great. No, I was literally dying inside on the weekends. I felt so dishonest. And then I had a retreat in Tulum and I was the host of all of these people. And I got blacked out and embarrassed myself. And I didn't show up as this really strong business woman as I am. And it just all started compiling where, wow, I'm creating this life and I'm going to fuck it up if I drink because I never was a drinker who was a classy drinker. Yes, of course, I was fun and I wasn't hurting or yelling at people. I wasn't angry. It's just it wasn't cute anymore. And I knew that if I kept drinking, I would lose everything or even a chance of taking my career to the next level. So I was kind of

the girl in my whole drinking decade and a half. I was the girl who was definitely the party girl. I drank every weekend. I never was an everyday drinker. I never drink in the morning unless on Sundays. And when I turned 27, I would say I, quote, became sober curious. So I would drink maybe once a month or once every two weeks. But as time went on, sobriety and being sober actually ruined drinking for me. You know, you kind of increase your baseline. You're like, whoa, I kind of know what feeling good feels like now. And then when you drink again, you're like, Holy shit, this really sucks. And so those times I would drink from 27 to 30 were so dark.

I was just like waking up, like next to people I don't know, like cocaine everywhere, just nuts. Lost keys, lost phone, in the middle of New York City. I mean, sometimes I would wake up in different cities. It was not safe. And I was so sick of it. You know, it was over time. And I think that's a huge thing. What I do with my clients is try to have understanding that experiences are, you know,

needed, you know, like from 27 to 30, I was working on my relationship with alcohols one day at a time. But those experience, those really, really dark moments were so needed for me to get sober because they were so dark. And it's like, okay, surrender. This isn't working anymore. Yeah. I'm with you. And that's kind of the million dollar question, too, that I've been thrown around with a few guests, right? Because when it comes to this stuff, I can definitely get off this train at any time. But it's like that balance, right? I think for some of us, we do need that. I needed to go to prison for a year to figure out like, hey, this is some serious consequences for your actions. And this is what it's going to continue to look like for your life.

But I do also on the flip side of the coin believe that people can obviously make choices and hopefully, you know, learn from this stuff, hopefully sooner rather than later. But it is sort of a mixed bag on that. Those experiences are needed to motivate change for us to stick with it. I think it's got to be a little bit painful. If it's not, why would we change it? 100%. If anyone told me that I needed to be sober, I would have been like, shut up. I had to get it myself.

I actually only had one person really in my journey tell me to get sober. When I was living in New York, I was dating a guy. He was almost eight years younger than me, and it moved fast. And that's kind of too with addiction, is I would kind of just jump into relationships without even thinking. And that's also another form of avoidance or codependency, you kind of just like jump into things and thinking that's going to help the pain that you feel inside. And when we were together too, he was younger than me and he was really nice, but I would go out on the

weekends and then like I would call my ex partner and I was just not a good partner either. And I think too, he looked at me and he's like, I think he was like might need to not drink. And it was like when he said that to me, I was like, oh, you know, maybe so. It's like I never thought about it. But I think I realized too with that is when I drank, It was mostly around men and stuff like that. Because I had such daddy issues, you would say, that I didn't know how to be around guys without drinking. But I knew if I kept drinking, there was no chance I'd be in a relationship.

No, my God, no. I would go on dates and get blacked out and really, really, really, really, really, really embarrassed myself, you know, to the point of not wanting to leave my house for a week post date. And some of these guys that would go on dates with were lovely. And there was just no chance I could ever have a partner. And I was 30. You know, it's not cute anymore when you're 30 years old. And you're having a lunch date at Soho House and you're blacked out and like falling on a parked bicycle.

And I shared this story on my TikTok like blacked out screening, you know, walking out of Soho House in New York City, falling on a bicycle, bleeding. And he had to call my friend the first date. First date. Girl, like, relax. You know? And so that was actually a really big incident for me because he was a really nice guy and I just like totally sabotaged that. I was like, okay, this is not working. This is already freaking.

Girl, this is not working. So, and I had multiple stories like that. And that's why I'm on my TikTok, so many females DM me, they're like, that was me. And the reason I like to share those stories is because we have so much shame around that. But I work with women in this space and so many women struggle with that. But I guess the question is, okay, if this. this isn't working, you want to have a loving relationship. What do you got to do? Well, you got to stop drinking. So that's, for me, it became just so no-brainer. It was so no-brainer. It's like, what is the problem right now? Every single problem I had was because of my drinking, period. And it's okay, regardless of I'm an alcoholic or not, because I know a lot of people struggle with that. Do I believe I was an alcoholic? Yes. Do I like to say I'm an alcoholic now? I don't really care. For me, regardless of how much I drank and when I drank, Is alcohol helping my life? No. Okay. Period. You know, I think we get so caught up in the, am I an alcoholic or not? Or am I an alcoholic because I don't drink? It didn't matter. I was like, sure. If I go to AA meetings, you need to say I'm an alcoholic. Sure. Whatever. I don't care. I don't want to drink anymore. I hate it, regardless of how much I drink. And that perspective really shifted for me. Yeah. No, that's all beautiful. And it's so true. Yeah, we can get caught up in the labels of everything. But yeah, it really comes down to the

nitty-gritty of that simple question. Like, is alcohol bringing value to my life or is it really taking it away? And for most of us, I mean, if you look at the science and the makeup of it, you know, I only learned this recently, and I might be extremely naive, but the reason that we get intoxicated is because our body can no longer process the alcohol we're drinking. And I never knew that. I should have known that. I feel like a little bit silly. I should have known that. But to me, I would never do that with anything else. Like, there's nothing else in my life that I would, well, I've done it with McDonald's a few times. So that's. That's not true.

That was that. Donald didn't make us crazy. Exactly. But you know, you wouldn't do it with other things. But I did a podcast with a fellow named Pete. And he really mentioned something that you mentioned there too about this had to be your idea. Like he had mentioned there that the alcoholic only gets sober when it becomes our idea or their idea. You mentioned not many people in your life had mentioned that this was a problem.

But you had the one boyfriend there, partner there who mentioned it was a problem. And that's not necessarily going to change us, right? But once you came to the conclusion, too, that this was no longer serving you in a good way. And all or most of your problems in life are from drinking. And you're having all of these dates. I mean, people are meeting you on these dates and things are going sideways. And you're in an instant crisis here with them. I think that's a big thing, right?

Because even in my story, a lot of people suggested I went to rehab. I went to detox. I went to see all the doctors and do everything. And actually, it's weird looking back. Not a lot of people ever mentioned getting sober. They were just like, you have to follow the rules. You have to behave. You have to take medication and stuff like that.

Only a few people ever picked up on the addiction part of things. But even when they did, it never really phased me until it was my idea. So I thought that was incredible. So what happens that you get sober? Like what happens the day before, the week before? I mean, and then you're like, bang, I'm sober now. I guess you could say I had like quote one relapse. So before I got fully sober, the year before I got fully sober, I never said I'm going to be sober.

I just said I'm going to drink once a month or whatever. But January 2020, I said I want to do a year sober. Okay, I was like, I'm going to do a year sober. And then January 17th was my last drink. And that night was pretty bad. It was the same story, but I couldn't remember if I had slept with the person I woke up next to. And that did happen a lot. And the reason I'm very vulnerable to this and I share about this a lot on my TikTok because

I know so many women struggle with this and I don't mind being the voice for women. So they don't feel that shame because I know what that feels like. And that was a sign, okay, I have no idea what happened. There's drugs everywhere. There's alcohol everywhere. I'm this online fitness influencer selling like health stuff. And it just hit me. I don't know how, but maybe it was because my higher self was like,

all right, let's take this outlet with a fucking bang, girl. A bang that I don't know if it happened or not. It just hit me. And I went and got a sober mentor right away. I was like, I'm done. But I actually changed my sobriety date to February because the pills are a huge part of my story. When I was living in Los Angeles, I was addicted to percocet. I was like taking three or four a day plus drinking.

So pills are a huge, huge part of my story. Then Xanax, everything, Adderall, you name it. And so February 17th is my sobriety date. And that was the last day I did any pills. And that was on my Touloum retreat. I had a big, massive Toulin retreat. I used to own a company called Jet and Flex. And I had 30 people there.

And the reason I got sober, too, was because I knew if I did this retreat, like, I got to stay sober or everything would go crazy. But I then just did everything. anything it took to stay sober, didn't go out much, you know, got a sober mentor, started connecting with sober people. But my journey was probably a little bit easier, but also needed to happen because universe ejected me out of New York City and I got to spend 18 months living in Indonesia for my sobriety. I was hosting a female retreat that was March 10th, 2020. And so the Indonesian border shut March 20th, 2020.

So that's when they were supposed to come. So I'd already been 10 days there. And all of the girls were supposed to fly in on the 20th. And the border shut that day. So I had to make a decision to cancel the retreat. Four of my friends were coming on the retreat. And I said, you guys can come. We can make this a vacation or something.

Four of them flew out there. And I was only supposed to be in Indonesia for 20 days. and I stayed 19 months. So when I got to Volley, I had met my sober mentor. And the second I met her, it was game on. And I promised myself I would not leave until I was ready to face my family. I have a very intense family dynamic. And, you know, they were like, what are you doing out there thinking I'm crazy, like not sober, running away like I always did.

And I just dedicated my full entire time there. full recovery. And it was hell. Hell in paradise. You know, but I needed to be ejected from the materialistic world. I don't know if I would have made it. And I like to say maybe universe kind of put me there to like help me become this woman I am today so I can be of service to other people and I needed to go there to become this person I always was supposed to become. But with, you know, in the U.S., there's so much stuff going on. It's hard to kind of come back to yourself, especially New York. Yeah, there's so many moving parts for sure. So many distractions all over the place.

So what's been the most helpful for you to stay on track? I do work a 12-step program. I'm involved in 12-step. But the biggest thing for me is my sober mentor who still lives in Bali. We are very, very connected. But also what helps me really, really stay on track now is putting myself out there. So when I started doing my TikTok, 20 months ago, I started my TikTok and I'm at 100,000 followers, like, it's crazy.

keeps me sober. And then having my, because I have a sober curious fitness program, my program is not for, what we would say addicts. It's for the girl who wants to work on a relationship with alcohol. Sober curious, maybe moderate drinking. Most of my clients that come to me are wanting to learn how to moderate. And we're trying to work on that together keeps me sober. Me being of service to other women keeps me sober.

Me using my story and sharing my story keeps me sober because it gives me so much purpose and so much hope, if you would have saw photos of me like five years ago, I looked like a completely different person. I was like really dying instead. So now that I can finally make use of this pain that I suffered and make it into something keeps me sober because the love that comes and the joy that comes from doing it is almost the same high as drinking. And I know you can for sure relate to this because you're of service all the time and you're talking to other sober people, and I'm sure that that really helps you stay sober. Yeah, for sure.

The community connection with people and sharing stories and hearing people's stories about even yours today, like I'm moved by it, just the ability to come back. And I feel like when we're starting out on this journey and even before that, we just don't even feel that this is possible. And then you talk with people in their 10 days in, 100 days in, 600 days in or whatever it is, they're like, wow, I never thought I could do this. Just how powerful that is. and then to see everybody improve their lives and give back.

Just on the part too about giving back and everything and being of service to others, does that help you feel in any way that everything you went through, the madness, the chaos, the darkness, wasn't for nothing? I believe I say God, universe, whatever you want to call it, I know deep in my soul that God put me through this because he knew I could fucking handle it so I can help other people. I know that in my soul. I've gone through so much in my life.

The one who I shared is like 1% of all the stuff. I mean, we could talk for hours. And there's parts of my story that I'm not comfortable sharing quite yet. But I know that there is no way because all of my clients that come to me, even TikTok, people are like, oh, my God, that's me too. Oh, my God, that's me too. And I'm brave to share some of these dark parts because I know that there's a younger version of me that's behind their TikTok struggling, probably just slept with a stranger the night before and that sees me.

And they're like, oh my God, this girl looks happy and she's fit and she's helping other people. And she shows that sobriety is amazing. And that's because I've gone through this stuff and I've come out on the other side. I'm like, sobriety is so awesome. Like, I truly believe that. Like, I truly believe that sobriety is the fucking coolest thing ever. When I meet a sober person, I'm like, that is so rad, man. And I know it's because I've gone through so much darkness that every person who comes to me that works with me or I meet, they're like, anything.

They share. I'm like, me too. anything. And I have so much compassion because I've gone through so much that that's why I can connect to people on such a deep level because I literally always say, I've been there. Me too. Yeah, me too. Yep, me too. You know, that's my biggest asset. My story is my greatest asset. I would not have a business. I would not have my TikTok. I would not have the amazing friends that I have because we connect it on such a deep level. I would not have the relationship I have with my mom because we've reconnected in such a beautiful way

and we talk about all the stuff that used to happen, we have such a deeper bond now unless I'd gone through the stuff I've gone through. Yeah. You know, and I know you can relate to that too because I know your story's pretty like, wow as well. Yeah, I don't know if I would consider that. I don't know if that's true.

It was a ride. It was a ride. I always think of the question, right? I always think of if I could go back and change things, change the course, right? I was just kind of controlling everything. everything if I went back in time. It's really hard for me, even with all of the pain, disappointment, the shame, the guilt.

Even with everything that happened, it would be really hard for me to change it, even if I could go back and change it. Is that weird? Like, do you feel weird about that? I feel a little bit weird. Like, I would go back and do it again and have welcomed everything again. But I'm happy. I don't know if I want to relive it, man.

I don't know if I want to relive it. Okay, okay. I'm going on that. It does be two different things. I'm sorry. Like, no, from 23 to 27, I don't think I could relive. Like, no chance. I could.

But, like, I don't want to relive it. It's just I don't, I'm saying, you know, I don't want to change it. I'm worried if I were to change one thing then, would I be where I'm at now? The whole future could have changed. And then I wouldn't be where I wouldn't have met my wife. I wouldn't have three kids. I wouldn't be doing this. Like, I just think all of it would change.

but then it, I don't know, it's just weird, right? Yeah, I actually have a question. So what is the darkest part of your story, but you know is like the greatest gift? That's a good, yeah. I mean, I feel like just the end, right? At the end, it was just this sense of hopelessness. And there was no way where I could live a better life.

Like, that just was never in the cards. I never thought of it. I was living on my brother's floor in his apartment. And I was a convicted felon at 18 and I had been kicked out of college. And my parents spent hundreds of thousands of, thousands of dollars on treatment and I felt like I fucked it all up. You know, I'm going to the methadone clinic every day doing cocaine, drinking beer. And I think that part of the story may be helpful for people because when we're wrapped up in it,

you're dancing with that bear, the big monster, the addiction monster. You can't necessarily see a way out. Like I never thought I can live a life. And that was definitely the darkest time. It'll be up to other people though, whether that's helpful for them or not. I don't know. Yeah. And I think, too, what I'm hearing is gratitude.

So I feel when people go, like myself, the darkest parts is why I have so much gratitude. I'm sure you can really, you know, sometimes when you're just like hanging out, you might have like some crazy flashback. Like, I'll have like these crazy like, oh my God. Oh, dark scene, dark scene. Like, you know. And then I will sometimes in the middle of the day just start bawling of gratitude because of how. far I was called. And I think that is why I don't want to relive it, but, you know, I think that that is why it's such a gift for me because I have such a deep appreciation for life. And I have such a deep

appreciation for my relationships too, because when you're in addiction, a lot of my relationships were so superficial and fake and not real. And then when you come on the other side and you have these deep connections, it's just a new feeling that you've never felt before. And it's like, wow, this is like, wow. And even with just little things, too, I remember when I was about a year sober, I was in Bali, and I was reading with my sober mentor and we're on the beach, and I was like laying back, and there was this palm tree above me. And I just started bawling because like the green was different. And the lights were different and the world looked different. It was like, oh, my God, a new lens. And That deep appreciation is because of all of that darkness that I had, you get so much gratitude.

You're like almost exploding. That's how I feel. But it's because I had to feel how really fucking shitty felt. Yeah. I'm with you on that. I'm sure that's with kids, right? You know, with your children? Yeah.

It's actually weird. You brought it up. But we were at soccer. They just started soccer and we're at the soccer field. And I'm just like in the morning, one of them does it at nine. So like, it's hard to get everybody. there at nine, but we do it, and I got that overwhelming feeling, and I get it from time to time in the mornings where it's like that overwhelming, there's a tear in the eye, and you're just like,

holy shit, this is what it's all about. But it's those little things that in addiction we lose sight of. I lost sight of everything that was important. Like, now I love a sunny day. The hotter, the better, the sun's out. I'm on fire. But when I think about my years when I was hooked, I didn't give a shit if it was raining, sunny, snowing, or what? I didn't even pay attention. It wasn't even in my scope. And now a little thing like that brings so much joy and excitement. Were you an isolated drinker? Did you drink like by yourself? I was at the bars, parties, doing cocaine, doing pills, everything. I was pretty hanging out with people. Yeah. And I think too, because we're around people that are also on that vibration,

we don't know what the other vibration feels like until we feel the other vibration. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah. You know, I feel like you don't know what, feeling good feels like until you start to feel good. And you're like, oh my God, what the fuck was I doing this the whole time? Yeah. That's the other million dollar question, Catherine. Look, we've got a few minutes left. What would you like to leave everybody with?

Because this has been incredible. I really appreciate your vulnerability to in the show. Honestly, maybe when you first started talking about it, it was a lot harder. Now it really seems to come natural to you. But there's so many people out there who are struggling with so many of these topics that you really dove into. I mean, sharing stories really kills the shame, right? Sharing it and talking about it, I know that's going to hit for a lot of people. So thank you.

But anything that you'd like to share before we wrap up, go ahead. Yeah, I think the biggest thing that I tell my clients and I tell anyone on my Instagram or TikTok is that just because you drank again doesn't mean you're starting over. I really, really, really, really, really say this all the time. It is a one day at a time. and I drank for three years. Sober curious before I got fully sober and just not to give up.

I need help are the three words that literally saved my life. And the more you reach out and ask for help and start getting honest about what's going on in your life, you can see changes, but don't give up because you drank again. That's so, so important and just look at it and say,

okay, through this experience, I learned this, this, and this, and I can do better, this, this and this. And maybe that quote, doing better is asking for help. There is zero percent chance that I could have ever be where I am without having help. No way. There's just no way. I'm just so appreciative for having me. Thank you for creating a safe space for others to share. I think the more we all come out and be brave about our struggles and share our story, the more we can help more people. Because like you

said, you know, shame thrives in silence. And sometimes people like us, we've got to put our brave pants on and share the shit. But I know that we can help more people and at least we can make use of the stinky shit. Like whatever. So true. Thanks so much for having me. Of course. And where can people find you if they enjoyed this episode and they want to send you a message? Yes. I send a message on Instagram or TikTok. Catherine Souser, K-A-T-H-R-Y-N-S-A-U-S-E-R. Perfect. Thanks again, my friend. Thanks, man. You're the best, Brad. What an incredible episode. Huge thank you to Catherine for jumping on here and just sharing the raw real truth of her journey in where she's at now is truly incredible. And the impact she's having in this world is just changing the lives of so many people.

Hers included. If you enjoyed the episode, be sure to check her out on Instagram or TikTok and let her know you appreciate it. all the vulnerability. And we had a lot of fun with this episode. That's the thing is we experience so much darkness in it, but there's a point in time where we feel that gratitude. And we just really are able to embrace the gratitude because we've been down so low. And the little things in life start to matter again.

If you're enjoying this show, be sure to leave a review on Apple or Spotify for the podcast. That would mean the world. and if you're able to donate, check out the link. I'll drop it in the show notes or you can head over to buy me a coffee.com slash sober motivation. And I'm extremely grateful for everybody who has donated

to help out with some of the costs of running this incredible podcast show. And everybody, enjoy your Fourth of July or Canada Day weekend. And I'll see you on the next one.