Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Laura aka @YourSoberPal shares her story of relapse, blackouts and sobriety.

Episode Date: March 28, 2023

Laura (@yoursoberpal) shares her story with us on the podcast and was very open and honest about all the ups and downs. It took Laura some relapses to really come to the understanding that moderation would not work for her alcohol intake. After a very scary blackout which ended her up at Whole Foods and very few memories of the event. Laura knew she needed in person connection with others on the joinery. This is Laura story on the sober motivation podcast. -------------- Follow Laura on Instagram HERE Download the SoberBuddy App HERE Follow SoberMotivation on Instagram HERE

Welcome back to season two of the Subur Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. Laura shares her story with us on the podcast and was very open and honest about all the ups and downs. It took Laura some relapses to really come to the understanding that moderation would not work for her alcohol intake. After a very scary blackout, which ended her up at Whole Foods and very few memories of the event, Laura knew she needed in-person connection with others on the journey.

This is Laura's story on the Sober Motivation podcast. How's it going, everyone, Brad here? I know you hear me talk a lot about Sober Buddy, and here is why. This community is one of the most supportive I have ever seen, starting with the meeting hosts who lead with support, kindness, and understanding. when someone falls, the community rallies to help support and encourage. People from all different countries who show up as strangers, leave as friends. It is a true example of community and connection.

What makes Sober Buddy so special is everyone is working on the same mission to get another day sober so we can live our best lives and provide a safe place so no one feels they have to do it alone. Come and check us out on Sober Buddy today. I host three groups per week, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Download the app in your favorite app store. Now let's get to the show. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation Podcast.

We've got my friend Laura here, aka your sober pal. How the heck are you today? I'm great. How are you this fine Wednesday? I'm good. I'm so happy that we're able to get together and do this. How we normally start the podcast is, what was it like for you growing up? All right.

So growing up, let's go back into time. I was, I was a classic super nerd. So I had the braces. I have the glasses. And we're talking the thick glasses, like where that made your eyes look really small. And, you know, I was kind of isolated too because I was raised in a really religious family. So growing up, I was really insecure. I felt really invisible.

And I don't know. I was just like a very insecure little girl. And so some of my main memories in elementary and middle school, it's like, I'm standing in a group of friends and I'll say something and everybody be like, oh, yeah, yeah, whatever. And then someone else will say the exact same thing. And they'll be like, oh, my gosh, that's a brilliant idea. And I was like, but I just had that sort of thing. And that's kind of the vibe of what it was like for me in middle school. And so I just felt very invisible. And I remember being like, I wanted so much to feel loved and accepted and included, you know, like any. kit at that age. As far as alcohol goes, we did have booze in the house. My dad was a big drinker, my mom, not so much. And I do remember we would have these parties growing up. And it was like all fun and booze is flowing. Unfortunately, at one point, a situation happened for my father with work and alcohol. And he actually had to go to AA as part of his program for like work or whatever. And I remember going

with my dad and I was like probably around 12 or 13 years old because he'd be like come to this meeting with me like I need the support of the family and so the family would go and I remember sitting in those church basements with the flickering fluorescent light bulb and like all the people sitting in those folding chairs and you're like 12 you know what I mean so I was like oh my god this is the worst thing ever like this is terrible and my first impression I guess of recovery and of AA specifically I was just like cringe and this is not cool and that kind of thing. So anyways, that was my first impression of recovery. But I remember thinking, like, I'll never end up like these people or I'll never end up like my dad. So yeah, so anyways, continue on. At one point, I was around 15 or 16 when my family

decided to move to Arizona. And so we moved to Arizona and I remember thinking, this is my chance to reinvent myself. Like, I don't need to be dorky Laura anymore. I'm going to be cool and I'm to do what it takes fit in. And I remember buying like all this Abercrombie and Fitch, which totally dates me, but you know, was back then, Brad. But yeah, I bought like all this apricramian fish. I like bleached my hair. I did all the things that was like considerable back that. And I remember going to my new school at like age 16 and being like, this is the new Laura. And I'm like letting that old Laura behind me and leaving that old Laura behind me. And it worked. you know, I was suddenly fitting in and people were inviting me to parties.

And I remember going into these desert parties in Arizona. And of course, there's like Mironoff ice blowing like the cascades. And that was kind of my first introduction to drinking and drinking being cool and, you know, being the thing that like helped me fit in. And I really took to it. I loved the way alcohol made me feel. And I felt like I was more charismatic and funny and all the things. It made me someone that I felt like I wanted to be, not that shy and secure girl that I was all my life up until that point.

At around age 18, I actually got sent to Mexico to study abroad. And up until then, I was like kind of drinking at these desert parties in high school. But when I went study abroad in Mexico, the legal drinking age down there is 18. And that was really when like my hard party wave took off. And it was like tequila shots, tons of drinking. And I freaking loved it. Being able to go out to clubs, go out to bars. I mean, I always wanted to be a part of the nightlife scene.

And it was like something I loved and had craved. And so, oh, man, like, those are some times. And so when I came back, I went to college at ASU, which at least the time was like a notorious party school. This is like the girl gone wild days. And again, dating myself, you're young and the doubt now. No, I'm just kidding. But yeah. And so I went to ASU and it was just, you know, college. It's so normalized to party and drink and go to these like frat parties and stuff. And, you know, I was in the honors school, but I'm like juggling honors. And then I'm chugging Yeagermeisters on the weekend. And this is the time when you're drinking with kind of a badge of honor. And so we would line our dorms with a empty Yeager bottle like on the windows. Like that was such a vibe back then. Oh my gosh. And, of course, that's like the environment.

So you don't really think too much about the way you're drinking at that point. So, yeah, I just was like drinking my face off. And I think part of the reason, too, that I was drinking for heavily in college was because I didn't really know what I wanted to pursue as far as a career wet. I felt really lost as far as what direction I wanted to take my life. You know, I knew up until this point what my parents expected of me. And my dad used to say things like, if you're not a doctor or a lawyer, like you're nobody, essentially, like something to that effect. So I went into college into the dental program thinking I was

going to become an orthodontist. And I like completely flunged out of all the sciences because I'm not a science and math person. Like I'm a creative person. But I had this thought, mindset that if you're a creative person writing in the arts won't get you anywhere. And so I tried to push through the sciences and I just kept flanking out. And then I was like drinking over it. And I'm like, who cares anyway? Like I'm just going to drink and party. Like, I'm having fun. And then I switched over to marketing. And by the time I graduated college, I was like, okay, I have this marketing degree, but I have no idea what I want to do with my life. And I remember feeling so lost and just misplaced in the world and also just so out of touch with myself. I never really took the time, I think, to truly get to know myself at that age. And I just

thought of myself in the image of what I thought my parents wanted me to be. And I felt like I kind of failed them in that aspect because I graduated college without a medical degree or whatever. So I graduate college and I'm like, what do I do with my life? I feel so lost. I don't know what to do. I get a job serving tables. And as many people here who worked in the service industry know, it is a very boozy environment. So it's essentially like college 2.0. And I'm like, okay, I don't know what I'm going to do. and after about a year serving tables in Arizona, I decided to move to South Lake Tahoe to snowboard for two years because I was like a diehard snowboarder at the time.

And I'm like, I'm going to go to Tahoe for two years and I'm going to shred and get 100 day seasons. And then I'm going to go back to get my MBA, all right? And so I'm like, okay, I have a plan. Like, this is a good plan. So I moved to South Lake Tahoe and anyone who's ever lived in a ski resort. I've heard this about like beach towns too, that they're like super Peter Pan,

which the Peter Pan thing is basically saying, like, you never grow up. So everybody there's a Peter Pan. Everybody just kind of gets stuck where they are. And so, yes, I moved to Tahoe and I'm like, oh my gosh, like everybody here drinks and parties like me. Like, this is the best thing ever, except they're like in their 20, like even cooler. So I'm serving tables and I'm just drinking every day. We're talking like from morning tonight because I would go snowboarding in the morning. and I would have a tallboy of Old English.

Yeah, I'd get Old English because I was broke. And I'd stuff it at the top of the mountain and I would take a swig of Old English and then go shred. And then I'd be like going to serve tables. And then after I get off serving tables, I'm like drinking for my Shifty. And it's like you do the whole thing over again. And you know, at the time, you don't think anything of it.

You're having fun. You're young. You're free. Everybody around you's doing it. So there's no reason for you to think twice about your drinking, especially in a Peter Pan Ski Town. And so this was just kind of like, what was my status quo for years.

And a part of me knew I wanted more, but I was like pushing it off. Like I'll deal with it later. So my two years of the ski town life and going back to MBA turned into like seven years down the line, still being in the ski town, still drinking every day, still serving tables. I don't think I was willing to acknowledge

my drinking was problematic. I don't even think it dawned on me until I had this one incident where it was the first time someone brought my drinking up to me. I think I was like 26, maybe. And I'm sitting at home. It's like 7 p.m. at night.

And I'm like, I got the candles lit. I'm reading a Dalai Lama book or something like super spiritual or whatever. And I'm literally drinking sals of blue tequila and orange juice. Like I would take a shot at a tequila and throw it back with OJ. And this is like 7 p.m. on a Tuesday night.

Take a tequila shop by myself. Like it was totally normal. And I remember my ex or my boyfriend at the time. He like shows up and I'm just like sitting there drinking and I'm a little tipsy. And he's like, what happened to you? And I was like, what do you mean what happened to me? And he's like, well, what happened to you growing up for you to drink like this? Like this isn't normal.

You're drinking tequila on a Tuesday night. And I will never forget the way I felt in that moment. my whole body just started tingling with shame. And also, like, I never have felt so naked in my life either. Like, I felt so naked. Like, someone finally saw through my shit. And not just my drinking, but I saw, like, there was pain behind the drinking. And it was like, I think that was something that I was trying to mask from other people for all those years. And of course, like, my immediate reaction is anger. And I'm just like, what do you mean? What happened to me? Whatever. Like, don't need to say anything. about my drinking and I'd stand up and I'm like super wobbly because it's tequila I've been drinking.

And then I just start crying. And I'm like, I was just so embarrassed and ashamed. You would think that would be like the first day. Maybe I try to like stop or control my drinking. But no, that was the first day I decided it was time to start hiding my drinking from other people. I'm like, uh-oh, people are noticing the way I drink. It's time to start hiding it. So began the years of me hiding my drinking from other people and only drinking what I felt was socially acceptable in front of others and then drinking what I wanted to drink behind closed doors. And at this point, I'm like hiding bottles in my hamper. I'm hiding bottles behind the laundry set under the kitchen sink behind the trash van. I mean like everywhere. And then I'd get too drunk. I'd forget where

I hid the booze. And then like a week later, my roommate would be like, why is there a half-drank bottle of wine near the sink and I'm like, oh, I don't know why that's there. And then another thing that was happening around this time is I had a roommate who was like part of a really fancy wine club and she'd get these cases of wine to the house. And mind you, these are like bottles that you can't just go buy at the grocery store down the street. I remember being like, you can't drink Liz's wine because you can't replace it. Because at the time I would like drink my roommate's booze, but then I'd replace it so they wouldn't ever know. But then I remember being like, I would be so desperate to drink more that I would just crack into her bottles of wine. And I remember

like watching myself opening her bottles of wine. What are you doing? Why are you doing this? And yeah, I couldn't stop. The compulsion was so strong, so out of control feeling. It was like an outer body experience where you're like watching yourself do something and you're like already ashamed of the fact that you're doing it and yet you cannot stop. So yeah, that was really rough. And around this time, I think I was like, okay, my drinking is a problem. And then not too long after that, I'm leaving my friend's house. We had a couple bottles of wine and I ended up getting pulled over by the cops for a broken license plate like my view.

Like I wasn't driving erratically or anything. Cables with me over. And immediately I'm like, I'm dead meat. I know I drink too much. I'm going to get a DUI. I like knew already I was getting a DUI. So the cop hold me over and I do like the sealed sorority test and I actually do pretty good. and then he breathlizes me and I blew a point two one which is enough for an extreme DUI

and the cop was like whoa the fact that you did so well in your field sobriety test with this much booze in your system he's like you got a problem girl that you can drink this much and that was a freaking wake-up call and going to the drunk tank that night you go to jail for DUI it's awful you're in this room they have the lights on it's like bright flickering and they give you this pathetic excuse for a blanket it. Cover yourself, the toilets in full view of the officers. And I just remember, like, the shame was just closing in on me in this. It was dribbling. And I was like, how did I get to this point in my life? Like, I was supposed to be getting my MBA. I was supposed to do this and do that. And you just kind of go through your whole life when you're like in the drunk tank, knowing you're there because

of your drinking, you just go through your whole life. And you're like, what the fuck? Where did I go wrong? And I get a lot of messages from people who are like, I just got a DUI. How do you get over this shame? And it's like, I heart goes out to them because I totally know that shame. It is crippling. It is crippling. And I had to make the call to my parents that I got a DUI that next day. And my heart never beat so fast.

That was the beginning of when I decided to start trying to moderate my drinking. Need to get my shit under control. I need to figure out how. to moderate my drinking. And so I'm doing like 30 days off and then I'm going to come back and control it. And this is like a whole ring around the rosy. Like we all go through it. But honestly, like, I'm really grateful for all those attempts to moderate because I was so stubborn. I was determined to become a moderate drinker. I was like, no, I don't have a problem. And when you've been like pretty successful at achieving the things he put your mind to you up until that point,

you just think like, oh, I can knock this one out and continue on with my life. But yeah, every time I would come back to moderate drinking, I would probably be successful like a couple times, maybe for a week or two. And mind you, like, by successful, I mean like fighting to stay moderate on those times I drink moderately before spiraling to old ways. Yeah. I'm just wondering there for a second, too, where did you get this idea of moderation from? Had you witnessed other people do it or where did that idea come from?

of, hey, let's just moderate this thing. And I like what you said, too, before you even answer that, I wanted to mention, too, that that was really a big confusion for me, because when I did things in moderation, sometimes it would work. Oftentimes it wouldn't work. And then I felt like for a while I was in this confused state of like, hey, Mondays it works. And then other days I struggled with that personally for some time.

But where did the idea of moderation come from? Because I don't know if that's a term when we're in the mix of this we think about. But yeah, where did that come from? That's a great question. At the time, I don't think I thought of it as moderation. I think more so I was looking at the people around me, my friends, and seeing, I felt like they could control their drinking. They would have two or three drinks and be good.

And I would be the one who's like, I just need to drink more and going to my room and drinking more or sneaking off to drink more drinks between drinks while they were just content with one glass. And I think more so I was like, they can do it. So I just have to figure out how to do it like they do it or like other people do it. I don't think I really understood that I was wired differently at that time. I think I just thought I needed to like hammer myself into like discipline or something. You know, like, oh, people have to get disciplined to exercise.

People have to be disciplined to do this or do that. So I think I just really, of course, like I didn't want to miss out on being able to hang out my friends and drink with them. But I also didn't want to be like a disaster and a mess and filled with all this anxiety and my life falling apart like it was at the time. And so I think that's really where it came from. Yeah, no, I hear you on that. Yeah. I think like most people do definitely hit a spot where whether they call it this or call it that. But yeah, it's like you want to be on the fence, right?

You don't want to be all the way into the dumpster fire, but you also don't want to feel like you're missing out on the other stuff. I like your thing earlier where you mentioned the restaurants because I can relate to that too, 110%. That's how I got started doing cocaine to begin with. Was the restaurant business hanging out people, hanging out after work? It might even be relatable to the Peter Pan. thing you made right when you work in the restaurant business i mean you're 18 i was 17 18 19 hanging out with

30 you know 40 year olds god love them but i think a lot of the stuff we were doing it was like the same stuff and you know what i mean so i'm like yeah maybe they were kind of stuck in that idea and then you get exposed to the older people that you might not normally hang out with that are maybe further along in the process here so i think that was incredible did you ever move away from the snowboarding town is this part of your story now where you got the DUI was this in the snowboarding town or no. It is. Yeah. I didn't move away until after I decided to get sober. So I decided to get sober in Tahoe, which is a ski town. So I did forget to mention that. But I also got into cocaine to give myself more because I was like blacking out really fast,

drinking. And yeah, I discovered cocaine in the restaurant industry. And I realized like it helped me drink longer. Honestly, like I love working in restaurants. I really loved that job. And I loved everyone I met in that industry. So I have so much left for that industry. But I can see why it's so easy to get stuck because it's like the safe thing every day where it's like you work and you're drinking. You work in your drinking. So how are you ever going to move forward on anything? Especially the drinking portion. You're consuming all that time with booze that you're really not moving forward. And that could be like any job. But it was especially prevalent in that industry. I still remember like it was yesterday.

I was with a buddy of mine and we were at this party and we were drinking and he was going to drive us home. I was like, all right, whatever, I trust you. So he pulled out this dollar bill. It was all folded all weird. And I'm like, okay, that's kind of strange. And he had to cocaine in there. And he's like, yeah, you do some of this.

It'll wake you up so that you can sober you up a bit so you can drive. And when I look back, I'm like, oh, the madness. I mean, the writing was on the wall. That's definitely a bad idea. But at the time, it was the introduction to things, right? It's a bit in the same sense. So I'm wondering, too, about this DUI, too. Like, you talk to your folks.

That was a hard conversation to probably have. How does it play out, though? Do they just let you out the next day after you sober up and then you get a court date and you have to go through that whole process? Yeah. So I had a DUI in California. And I called my friend. I was like, I got a DUI.

Can you pick me up? Because they, like, take your car. And you know what? Dewey in California is not cheap. I actually had a friend who had gotten a DUI in Nevada and it was like $700 all told. In California, it's like over $2,000. Yeah, I mean, it's, you're just so embarrassed and so ashamed. And, you know, you realize you're one of those people.

There's like such a big stigma against people who drink and drive and rightfully so. But it was like now I was one of them. You just feel so ashamed. Yeah. Or that, though, because you say now you're like one of them, but. I'm thinking like to my story, there were so many maybe red flags or I was arrested at 16, a convicted felon at 18, another convicted felon at 22, a huge record. I remember the first time I got arrested, the police officer printed out my record.

And it was like, they had like this old school printer. And it was only one page. And he told me and somehow he knew this. I don't know how. He's predicting the future pretty good. He's like, look, you have only one page. He's like, we have people in here, they have five or six or seven pages. And he told me this detective, I mean, really nice guy, just doing his job.

But he told me, too, he's like, you got to figure out a different way because you'll have all these pages. Then the last time I got arrested, he was like, Brad, I remember you from years back. We talked about this and now you have like four pages. And I was like, oh, my goodness. So I'm wondering, too, though, when you say now you're one of them, did you firmly believe that you were in that category of like, the only people who get impaired driving are alcoholics. I mean, regular people that just are partying for fun don't do it. You know what I'm saying?

Yes, 100%. I think I thought it was above it to sublevel. And you know how it is like there's a little bit of ego in there? I think like you think it's never going to be you until it is. And it's rough. I mean, so when that guy presented you the page and you like, you don't end up to seven pages, did you ever feel like I don't want that, but you just couldn't help yourself? Or were you like, you kind of dismissed it because you didn't think it would be you.

or you thought, like, what is our mindset at this point? Yeah, no, great question to reflect back. I think at the time I was young and I thought like I had been caught, right, for stuff. It wasn't me. I wasn't going to fall into that category. It just wasn't going to happen. You know, I just didn't believe that could I have that life of this stuff, before felony convictions on my record by the time I was 22,

like very serious stuff for drug trafficking and everything in between. No, I didn't. I came from beautiful middle class home, incredible family, parents, every opportunity to succeed and do well. It was in college. I had my own apartment at 17. I went to treatment already before this for a year. I did a year-long treatment center.

I'd been to psychiatrists, therapists, doctors, 12-step meeting, celebrate a car. I had done everything. I thought, no, there's no way that that'll be my life. And I was like, maybe end of the same thing about the ego got in the way. like I'll get this figured out. I think the consequences were good. Like when I was 16, like they're really going to toss you in jail, like probably not for most of us. But I think the consequences were like a little bit light.

You know, it was heavy. It was really heavy. I got put on probation for a year. I did have to book into the county jail when I booked into the county jail. I was in a 10 by 10 room with a 19 year old who had taken his girlfriend's life in another state. You still like, it was traumatic. but if I had to like answer it very shortly, I think my level of maturity, I don't know if I really understood how serious it is. I think that's the short answer to the question.

100% I totally relate to that. You convince yourself it's not going to be you. You know what I mean? Like you think you're above it or you can figure it out on your own. And I think that's why so many events myself included become so adamant in figuring it out and figuring out how to moderate and whatever, you know. But yeah, I mean, I got that DEY and I thought, okay, I'm going to take some time off. I'm drinking. Again, come back a moderate drinker, came back, slippery slept right back into my old ways. And it was like, next thing I know, I'm getting demoted at work for drinking on the clock. The wheels are really starting to fall off. And up until that point, waking up in the drunk tank was like a kind of my rock bottom at that point. Finally, a new rock bottom came. And at the time I was dating my now, partner. But we were like early-ish and I was down in Reno, which is where I live now, so not the ski town. And I was down in Reno and I went to visit him over the weekend. And it was

like a Sunday morning, I think, or maybe a Monday morning because I was in the service industry still. So I had like Mondays off. And I decided I was going to go to a restaurant in town and have like a glass of wine. And mind you, it's like 11 in the morning. And I'm like, you know what? It's totally fine. I'm just going to have a glass of wine and then drive home. It'll be fine. So I go to the restaurant and I'm having the glass of wine and I'm like working on something semi-important. It was like a project or something. And then I have that glass of wine. And then I'm like, you know, one more glass of wine.

It's not a big deal. I just have one more. It's fine. So I have one more loss of wine. You know what I'm drinking it slow. And I'm so proud of myself because I'm drinking it nice and slow like a lady. And then after that second glass of wine, I'm like, oh, I really want one more. But I don't want to anyone to know that I'm drinking three glasses of wine before 1 p.m.

So I decided to leave the restaurant, go to a different restaurant where I can have my third glass of wine. But that's it. I'm totally done after that third glass of wine. It's going to be fine. And then I'm going to go home. I go to the third restaurant. It was like a sushi restaurant. I get that third glass of wine. And next thing I know, I black out.

I black out. And then I wake up. And it's 7 p.m. And I'm inside Whole Foods. I'm like hovering over the buffet area because they have that buffet section. And their manager is shaking me by the shoulders. And she's like, ma'am, ma'am, are you okay? Are you okay? And I literally come to and I'm like, oh, yeah. No, I'm fine. I'm totally fine. I'm like slurrying. I am like smashed. And she's like,

ma'am, do you need me to call you a taxi? And I am just discombobulated and I'm like, no, so I'm fine. Fine. I got it. And I turned around and she's like watching me horrified and I just stumble out of whole food. And I walked to my car, a completely 100% intention to drive home. I get to my car and I go to open the door. The door doesn't open. And I peer inside and they're sitting on my front seat are my keys. And I don't know what it was like right in that moment, seeing the keys there, looking up at the sky, seeing that it was dark.

I started drinking at like 11 a.m. So what, I've been drinking at 8 hours. I don't remember a damn thing. Getting awoken up, standing up in Whole Foods by the manager. I mean, like, it all just settled in. And I turn around and I lean back against the car and I slide to the ground and I just start crying. And I was like, what in the fuck?

You already have a DUI. How did I get here? It wasn't supposed to get to this point. You already have a DUI. Like, what is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? And I remember at that moment I was like, I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic.

And it was kind of like a relief to finally admit it to myself because I was just in such denial. so determined to moderate and get my shit under control. And it was like, here I am, waking a bit of a blackout in Whole Foods. So I thought Whole Foods is bougie and people on Blackout in Whole Foods. So I call my partner. He drives over to pick me up. We go back to the house. And he kind of just leaves me alone because I think he could tell that I needed speeds. And I just sat on the floor and I remember rocking myself crying. And I was like, I am so scared. I'm officially so scared of myself. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't trust my I can't trust myself to control it. I can't trust myself to stop. I don't stress myself. And it is a really,

really scary feeling to feel like you cannot trust the body that you're in. And that's really what I felt like. I felt like I couldn't trust this body. Somewhere had strayed it wrong. And now my mind was against me. And it was like I was out of control and I was spiraling. And I remember in that dark night, I like felt my way through the darkness. And I signed the couch in the dark. And it's like probably two in the morning or something. And I collapsed to the couch. And I'm not religious. I grew up in a religious environment, but I have been deconstructing a little bit up until that point. But I remember collapsing to the couch and folding my hands. And I was just so desperate. And I was like, I really want to quit drinking. I want to quit for good. And I'm ready. And I will do whatever it takes

to quit drinking. And if I ever get to quit drinking, I promise, I will pay it forward somehow. I promise, I promise, I will pay it forward. I just need to stop drinking and I just need to be at peace again. And I remember at that moment when I said I would do whatever it took, this calm sensation just washed over me. It was crazy. I felt so calm and I just felt this hug from the universe. And suddenly in my mind, I just hear a whispered, it was like, everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. And I just knew like everything was going to be okay. And it was like, Laura, just go back to bed. everything's going to be okay. That was a big turning point for me.

And also like a higher power moment, I guess you could say a God shot, as they say. After that, I wish I could say I stayed sober, but that was kind of the beginning of a really painful relapse phase. I decided I was going to quit drinking for good. But I was going to do it on my own, and I was going to do it with books and podcasts. You wouldn't catch me dead at a 12-step meeting.

I started listening to, I remember it was recovery elevator. It was like kind of the only podcast back then. And I was reading all the butts. And then it was helpful, but I couldn't say sober. So then I decided to join an online support group, like a Facebook group. And that really helped me. But, you know, again, I couldn't stay sober for longer than like one or two weeks. I was just like really struggling to stay sober. And finally, like one day, wake up from a hangover. And I'm just like, I can't fucking do this by myself. I cannot do it with books and podcasts. Some people can. And I'm so excited for them. Like, I had people in my groups that were like doing it. with just those things. But I knew in my heart of hearts, I was like, Laura, you need real in-person support. You need real people, real human one-on-one. You're going to have to go to a meeting. And I was avoiding it like the plague because I experienced growing up going to those 80 meetings. And there's a lot of meetings out there, but really AA was like the only one that I could afford.

It's like the only free one in my community. And so I dragged my ass to my first meeting. And I remember like being parked outside that building, my hand on the steering wheel. And I was like, shaky. I'm here by myself. And there's like people in this room and like, am I really going to do this? And I was so scared. And I was so anxious. And I just felt so overwhelmed and alone. And I was like, just get your ass in there and sit in the chair, sit in the back and just listen. That's all you have to do. Your first meeting is always really freaking scary. But I will say, like, I went in there. And my first meeting was a freaking mess.

The secretary, like, forgot the key. So we had to have the meeting out front of the building in, like, public. And my idea, this was, like, right on Highway 50, which is, like, the main road through my ski town. So I'm, like, mortified of someone's going to see me. And then there was, like, a few people who were in house at the time who were, like, kind of interrupting. And it was, like, kind of chaotic. But I still will never forget the way I felt hearing other people share their stories and how real it felt. Like out in the world, it's all these peasant trees and everybody's like,

hi, how are you? Oh, I'm great. Blah, blah, blah. But to be in an environment where everybody's just like sharing so vulnerably and so raw what they're going through and also laughing in the same breath, it was like so inspiring to me. And it just felt so authentic. And I just remember being like really in awe of like how real and authentic these meetings

were in the meeting. And so I'm like, even though that meeting was kind of a chaotic experience. It was empowering and inspiring and uplifting enough and comforting that I just kept coming back. So I kept going to meetings and I got a sponsor who worked with me one on one. And having a sponsor is a freaking game changer. Have you ever had a sponsor, Brad? Yep. Or a mentor of some sort.

And I always tell people, like if you can get a mentor or a sponsor. Yeah. It's actually a game changer. She had me doing like paper homework. And I'm like, are you joking me? I got to do homework. sobriety homework like what the fuck is this shit you know and i'm all like bitter a little bit and i'm just like annoyed because it's so much work but i will not lie that homework was a game changer

because i finally felt like my mind was truly changing and truly rewiring in a way that i wasn't experiencing before this and having that one-on-one accountability was an absolute game changer and having those support systems like it wasn't such a game change And I finally, for the first time in my life, really felt hopeful and excited about sobriety. And that was really special, you know. It was really cool to have. Yeah. No, I love that part to where you shared that you became hopeful.

Because I feel like in anybody's journey, there's got to be a place where we get to to where we feel like the hope. Because it's really cool to hear other people's stories like, hey, John's doing this or Joe's doing that or Ashley's doing this. But once you can believe that that could be your story, I feel like that's when the game changes. When you actually truly believe that you can do this thing, the sobriety thing and rebuild or continue to build your life and you're able to see that for yourself, I feel that that's so powerful and I'm so happy

that you were able to experience that through your program there. Yeah. And I will say to you, when I was trying to do it by myself, one of the things I noticed I was doing was I was like kind of trying to like bully myself into sobriety. Like I was, you know, being like, get your shit together and lashing myself. And I thought like I could like beat myself sober. And it's kind of like where your mind is when you're in early sobriety is you're just kind of like super down. You're anxious. And so your head space just like not in a good place. And I think that was part of the reason why I would

often, you know, relapse because you kind of bully yourself down. Like every time I had a craving, I would bully myself. Like, what do you have a craving? Oh, you're such a shit show, blah blah. And once I was like in a program and working with other people, I learned that when you kind of bully yourself, it's really triggering when you're like mean to yourself. And I really started adopt a more loving approach toward sobriety and being more loving, compassionate to myself. And the more that I was taking this loving, compassionate approach to myself and kind of treating myself, really focusing on my inner child, I noticed that it really changed the way that I saw. And I was taking, my journey and really was a less triggering approach to recovery. And it was a really beautiful shift

in my journey that I am really grateful to. And I don't know if I would have had that had I continued trying to do it on my own. I'm so grateful. Like there's so many programs and routes and avenues to recovery today. I think it's so beautiful. I always tell people like a hundred years ago, especially as ladies, we would have been like tossed until you in Bainas Island. anything for us, you know? Yeah, you're probably right there. You know? And then like in the 30s, why it was just saying, hey, I'm pretty sure.

And now it's like a frigate poo poo platter. And it's so cool, you know. No, yeah, I think it's incredible just to be able to approach it and what you mentioned there too about showing yourself some grace and just being gentle with yourself and not being yourself up. I hear so many people, they'll just start out. They'll just kind of make the decision about I want to get sober. and then, you know, things don't work out exactly the way they had the vision, right?

They might have a laughs or a relapse or however we want to draw it up. And then just give up. Just give up on it. And I understand how hard it is because it took me so many tries. I don't even have a count of it. It took so many tries. But you just got to keep showing up. You got to keep coming back.

You got to keep showing up, asking for help and do, you know, a few of the other suggestions. And keep doing that over and over again. And I think it'll get better for most people. Yeah, I agree. Relapse is a huge part of my story, too. I relapsed a lot. And I remember there were so many points where I felt like I was the one person who, like, couldn't get this thing.

I felt like everybody around me was getting it on their first, second, third, fourth, try. And I was just flailing. And I remember one morning after I had relapsed yet again. And I was like, wow, you screwed up yet again. This is when I was still living in the ski town. But I remember waking up because I would always do this thing where I'm like, I'm never drinking again.

I'm never drinking again. I'm never drinking again. I'm never drinking it. And then you're like, I broke my promise. Now I'm never drinking it. And then you break that promise. And after a while, it's like you feel like you can't even trust your own word. And you're like, yeah, you're so full of hot air. You're so foolish shit. And then there comes that like mindset where you're just like spiraling. You're like, you're going to drink and you don't do it. And you're so foolish shit. And I remember waking up that morning. And I was like, I have no trust in myself. I keep breaking this promise to myself. And I was laying in bed staring at my ceiling. And I was laying in bed staring at my ceiling. And I'm laying there, I suddenly, like, see this vision of myself as a child. And she's running through the meadow, and she's got like a bouncy brown ponytail. And I see myself at seven years old. And I'm just in tears because I'm like, she has so many hopes and dreams. And here I am, like, struggling to just not drink for 24 hours. And I imagine that little girl. And then I decided, I'm like, I'm going to make a promise to this little girl. And it's going to be a promise that I can actually keep. And so I sit up in the bed. I hold, both my pinkies together. And I'm like, I pinky promise that I will never give up, no matter how many times I fall. And suddenly, it was like, this is a promise I can keep. Instead of saying I'll never going to drink again, which is a promise I'll never give up, which is a promise I can keep, no matter how many times I fall. And I will never forget that moment because it's the most important promise I ever, ever made myself.

And that's what I did. I just kept trying different things. I did the podcast. I did. the books. I did this. I did that. I did meetings. And I had a lot of relapses. I relapsed after one week. I relapse after months. Before my final relapse, I had seven months of sobriety that I busted my ass for. And then I relapsed at my friend's memorial after she took her own life. And it was devastating. I woke up in the hospital. I bees coming out of my arms. And I'm just devastated because I lost my really good friend and my sobriety that I was working so hard for. all within 24 hours or all within like two weeks because she had pounced two weeks before that memorial. And so I remember being like, nope, I promised myself I would never give up and I have to

keep that pinky promise. And I was depressed after that relapse. I wouldn't get out of bed for a week. I was depressed. I gave myself a week to be super sad. And then I was like, you get a week. And then you go back to the meetings. You go back to doing the work. And that's what I did. I was sad pants for a week. And then I was. got back to work and that was my last drink. And I will say like putting in the work really is a game changer. You know, a lot of people get really upset because they'll relapse. But I will say that I remember thinking, well, I had learned a lot in that seven months of sobriety because I put in so much work. I was doing homework. And I remember feeling like I had this really straight platform,

really great foundation from which to continue building. I did start my town over, but that doesn't mean I lose everything I learned in the last incidences. And I'm really grateful because that seven months of sobriety that had before that relapse was a great foundation for me. Yeah, that is so powerful. And perspective switch about feeling bad about our situation or just looking at it from a different perspective. I look at it like a whole semester of math. If you fail one test, it doesn't mean you're out everything. And if you fail the entire class, it doesn't mean you didn't learn something throughout it.

you will have probably picked up some stuff. So I think that is so incredible just to kind of start your days over, but don't start the whole experience over that don't discredit everything that you learned throughout, whether it be seven months or whether it be two weeks. They're both can be very valuable. I'm wondering too here, Laura, if it's okay. What inspired you, or maybe it wasn't even inspiration, but what is the reason for you sharing about your story and your journey?

journey. So I worked with women in the program and stuff like that. I was sober for probably a year or two. And then I stepped away from all things sobriety for like probably a year or two. I got really busy with life. And I was just like, I got this and all is good. And then over for 2020, the world shut down. And I just remember being like, I really miss the recovery community. I don't know what it is. I miss laughing and talking about. the joy of soriety. I miss helping other people and being in service. And I hadn't been in service for a while. You know, I was kind of rebuilding my life. And that's the thing, too, is like you get sober. And suddenly, like your life goes from zero to 60 because they're kind of like catching up for lost time. Like my career took off. All this stuff just started taking off. And so I kind of like put the focus on recovery to the side. But over 2020, I'm like, I kind of miss it. And so I decided to start so repelled, kind of to be in service. But I'm like, I'm like, I kind of, I'm in service. more so because I really wanted a safe space to talk about my journey because the thing is, like, on meetings,

you can't really like talk about sex and sobriety. And there's a lot of topics are kind of taboo. But I wanted to like talk about those topics. And so I started sober palpile. And also I wanted to make funny to talk about sobriety too because when I was an early sobriety, I remember it really helped me to have comedy in my life. I remember like reading really funny bugs, watching like comedians. having laughter felt really healing for me and really inspired me to pursue sobriety because I was like, I want to have like a joy filled, laughter filled recovery. So anyway, I'm like, you know what, I'm going to make funny TikToks about sobriety and recovery and like what it's like to be hot mass because I feel like we need to bring some levity and some humor into the space. And I just want to like,

I have some good jokes up my sleeve anyway that I want to crack. So that was kind of like the impetus behind sober pal. And honestly, like, didn't expect it to really like go anywhere or to really even help other people. It was more like to kind of help me, to be honest. But now that it has grown and has been such a gift, and I do realize now being in service and helping others helps not only helps me stay sober. And like that's, I think part of the reason why in the program, being of service is a really important component because it does help you stay sober. And it for sure helps me stay sober. But it just keeps me in a state of gratitude. It keeps me in the present moment. And, yeah, And it really uplifts me. When I first started it, it was more to, like, help myself. But now

doing Sober Pal for a while, I don't know, it's just a joy to connect with other people in this community. And to connect with people who are seeking a bigger life, a life that doesn't need to have alcoholism and people who understand the struggle. You know, like, I really struggled. I felt really alone. And now I feel like seen and understood. And I love being able to pass that slower. So that has been a big impetus for me to keep going, you know, and to continue you doing work in this space. Yeah, that's incredible. Your sober pal is amazing too. And recently you've come out with this. I mean, it's got to be the hottest product on Amazon. I'm just looking at it right here. Your sober pal, 50 daily affirmation cards to help you along your recovery path.

This is incredible. Can you tell us a little bit about this? I was lucky to kind of witness your journey here and there that you shared with this. Share a little bit more with everybody about it, if you could. Oh, thanks, Brad. So it honestly, like, really starts in early sobriety. I have found this affirmation deck that's actually made by the same publisher of my card deck. And that card deck is called affirmators. And I loved this card deck because it's similar. It's like funny and light and not like super woo-woo. And I just, like, loved this card deck. And I just, like, loved this card deck and every day I would read a different card and I just remember being like, I wish there was a sobriety version of this because that was really struggling, you know, at the time. And I loved that

card deck, but I kind of wish, I was always like trying to find a way to make it tailor it to recovery because that was like my big focus at the time. Yeah. So a couple of years later, I decided two years ago, actually, I decided that I want to start working on this sobriety affirmation deck. And I'm like, I don't even know what I'm doing. I don't know anything about anything. how to be published, nothing. I'm like, I'm just going to write it on a Google doc. And then maybe I'll put it on like some digital files and like send them out in an email or something. I really wasn't thinking that big.

I know you like mentioned this about your podcast at one point where you're like, I just ordered the stuff on Amazon and it showed up. And then I'm just like figuring out as I go. I was like, oh, I relate to that so hard because that's exactly how it was. I started with a Google Doc. And then I did it for like four months. And then I got so in my head about these cards. I felt like they were funny.

enough. I felt like the word smart enough. And then, of course, I'm comparing it to the affirmators deck that I loved. And I just felt like that deck was just so much better. And I'm just like, I can't do this. And so I quit for like months. And then I have this epiphany a few months later. And I'm like, you just got to finish the deck. Stop letting your insecurities and your perfectionism get in the way of you creating this thing that you've been wanting to make for so long. So I get back to it. And I finally finished the cards. And I was planning on self-publishing and like crowdfunding on Kickstarter. And that's when I connected with my publisher.

And I didn't think they were going to take it. But they did. They like decided to take a chance on me. And they were like, I think one of the people on that team has a loved one in recovery. And I could just pick up on it like in meetings. I could sense it. And they like knew more about 12 steps than I stuck from the regular person. So I was like, and so yeah.

So we worked together on this. And I am like so great because this person who I think has a loved one in recovery was my editor. Her edits were like amazing. And I remember the first time reading her edit. I was literally in tears because I felt like she really helped me think about some nuances I may have overlooked. And with regard to like making sure everybody is feeling included at every level of their recovery journey, whether they're sober, curious or fully in recovery. like embracing all people at every stage. Because sometimes you think everybody's like at the level you're at

and you forget about all the other levels. So anyway, it's two years in the making and I just finally announced it last week and I like sent you on right away. And it's been amazing. And I just want to out in the world. I don't have any expectations to sell a bunch or anything. Like who knows how popular are this nation. But it's been really well received.

And it's been such a joy to see people sharing their favorite. cards and things like that. It has been so wonderful. Yeah, no, that's incredible. It's so cool. Yeah, the whole process to hear how it all plays out. Look, I'm thinking we wrap things up here after this and people can get it on Amazon, right? They can get it on Amazon and then they can also get it on knock knock stuff.com, which is my publisher's website. And if they shoot me a screenshot of their receipts, I will send them 10 affirmation coloring pages. So they can send that to your Soberpal at gmail.com. And I would love to send them some coloring pages to help support and inspire them on their journey.

Yeah, wow. So cool. Yeah, everybody knows Amazon. So check that out. I want to finish wrap up here with this question I ask a lot is if somebody's listened to the podcast, they're struggling to get or stay sober. What would you have for them? First off, I strongly recommend that you write a letter to yourself.

and just outlining all the reasons why you promise you'll never give up on yourself. This is something I told a lot of my swan seeds, but like one day you're going to look back on this moment and feel so grateful and so proud that you didn't give up on yourself. And so I recommend writing that out, keeping it somewhere safe, and then keep trying something new until you find what clicks. Keep trying something new until you find one clicks. A lot of times it's the thing you really don't want to do

that might be the key to long-term recovery, the key to peace and joy and sobriety. For me, I really didn't want to go to a meeting. I really didn't want to do this. And it really didn't want to do that. And those were the things that really helped it click for me. And so just be willing to keep an open mind, be willing to try things that you don't want to do and trust the process, you know. And I promise that it gets easier over time and it gets to be a lot of fun. Yeah, no, thank you so much. That's incredible. And I hear your story too is it's a full circle, right? You had that thing where you were talking to the universe of like, hey, I'll pay it.

Just help me out here. Give me a little bit of a break here, some direction and I'll pay it forward. And that's exactly what you're doing every single day. And also in your thing at the end there, I just hear a lot about just getting out of your own way. Getting out of your own way and just do this stuff. And I know that that really helped me out is my journey continues to help me out with creating stuff. It's like you mentioned about getting inside your own head. I have to constantly just make a conscious effort to get into my own way.

But thank you so much, sober pal, Laura, it's been a blast. Thank you. That was so fun. I appreciate you having me here. You're welcome. I'm just so grateful that Laura, aka your sober pal, jumped on the podcast and shared her story. There's definitely been a handful of ups and downs and all arounds. And I couldn't be more proud of her for dropping this.

your sober pal 50 daily affirmation card deck be sure to check that on on amazon i think it's so important that we support sober creators because it's not the easiest thing to do and we need to keep we need to support each other and pick each other up and help each other out and encourage each other if we want more sober products and we want more sober stuff out there then we've got to support the people who are doing it now so check that out check her out on social media your sober pal and look Keep your heads up, everyone.

You know, sometimes this is hard. This sobriety thing, this life thing, it's hard. But the good news is I bring you today is you can do hard things. We can do hard things. So let's get another day. And I'll see you on the next one.