Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Leah McSweeney shares her struggles with alcohol and other drugs on this episode

Episode Date: December 6, 2022

Leah McSweeney started using drugs and drinking alcohol at 14 years old and says she never had a regular drink she always wanted more. After many treatment center stay and attempts at recovery meetings, she could not stay sober. Leah McSweeney launched her fashion brand Married To The Mob, which was a hit. Leah was also on the hit show The Real Housewives of New York City and her struggle with alcohol was broadcasted on national television. Leah knew the show could not go on and decided to get completely sober; this is her story on the sobermotivation podcast.   Follow Leah on Instagram Download the SoberBuddy App Follow SoberMotivation on Instagram    

Welcome back to season two of the Subur Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. Leah McSweeney started using drugs and drinking at 14 years old and says she never had a regular drink. She always wanted more. After many treatment center stays in attempts at recovery meetings, she could not stay sober. Leah launched her fashion brand married to the mob and it was a hit.

She was also on the show, The Real Housewives of New York City, and her struggle with alcohol was broadcasted on national television. Leah knew the show could not go on and decided to get completely sober. And this is her story on the Sober Motivation podcast. At Sober Buddy, we have a massive update for all of our fans. We all know how important connection and community is when it comes to staying sober. So we have added in a new sober buddy community feature to the app that includes private community groups, news feed, direct messages, personal profiles, and maybe my favorite daily hosted topic centered live groups right in the sober buddy app hosted by Sober Buddy team members. You can catch me on the app Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

Download it today. You're going to love these new features. I'm drinking more than most, at least that's what you told me. I started reaching for it any time I was anxious, I'm lonely. These days, that's all I feel, unless I've got one in my hands. And when it's crossing through my veins, it makes me less than what I am. So Lord, have mercy all, and it takes me. I came hard like mine.

Who could probably do some good if he wasn't drinking all the time. I came across Mike Kinnibrew on Instagram, and this is one of his songs, What's Left of Me, and I just thought it did a really good job explaining what things are like. So I hope you enjoyed it. I loved it. Now let's get to the show. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation Podcast. Today we have Leah McSweeney on the show with us.

You may recognize her from the real housewives of New York City. How are you doing today, Leah? I'm great. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be sober. And I'm just looking forward to doing this. Why don't you start us off in the beginning? What was it like for you growing up?

So, you know, I was born in Manhattan in 1982. And I grew up on 24th Street and 8th Avenue. in Chelsea, which is like the gay mecca of the world. And it was just a very cool neighborhood to grow up in. It was extremely diverse. Um, there were, you know, I mean, I remember just seeing like drag queens walking down the street. And, you know, it was, it was the 80s in New York city. I mean, I didn't know anything different, you know, but like now in hindsight, I know I got to grow up during a very special time, like in New York City. Like some people would say it was a was like so much crime and this and that.

And there was, but there was like so much culture also. Should I just get right into like fucking drugs and alcohol and like how it started? And like, that's a great idea. Let's get into it. You know, the thing is like I kind of always.

And look, I had like, you know, my parents were, you know, I came from like a pretty happy home. I did not, was not abused.

I was not starved. I was not, you know, um, there was nothing, you know, it wasn't perfect. But it wasn't like,

horrible, you know? And it's interesting because like, you know, addiction and alcoholism doesn't discriminate. Like, you can have a great childhood or like the worst childhood in the world. Like, it doesn't make a difference sometimes, you know? Like, you could be, have the worst childhood and not end up like smoking meth at age 14. You know, you could like not make those decisions. So, but I always, my mother is sober. My mother's been sober for like 42. years. She got sober two years before I was born. So there's a lot of alcoholism in my family and she was very worried that I was going to be an alcoholic. I think it was a huge fear of hers. And she would never let me taste wine or beer growing up when all my cousins, I have a huge like Irish and Italian

family. And all my cousins, like I have like 20 cousins or something, they were all allowed to like taste wine and beer and I couldn't. And it drove me fucking crazy. Like it made me, want the wine and beer so badly that when I made my first communion, I was chugging the wine and wouldn't let go of the cup that the priest was holding, you know, and he was like prying it out of my hand. So I really think that like, even like as like a young teenager, like as a even like 12 year old, like before I was doing drugs and drinking, I was kind of like, you know what? I want to try acid. Like that seems cool to me. I don't know. My, you know, my dad went to Woodstock and he was like a, you know, he's not a hippie.

And the other thing is like, I didn't grow up with parents like drinking or doing drugs or anything like that. But for some reason, I was very, I romanticized it. You know, like the movie kids came out when I was like an eighth grade. And even though it's like the most fucked up movie in the world, I thought it was so cool. There was the whole like skate scene and rave culture in New York City in the 90s. And I wanted to be a part of it.

We moved to Connecticut when I was 14. which by then I had already been started drinking. So I started like smoking weed and drinking when I was like 13, which I thought was like normal. We were like drinking 40s and smoking blends and like we thought it was so cool. And you know, it was not that like nothing was like very dark yet. Like nothing bad it happened. Well, I got thrown out of school.

That was pretty bad. But it had nothing to do with like the drinking and stuff. We moved to Connecticut when I was 14. And I think my parents thought it was going to be a very like smart, safe place. for us to live, but what I don't think they realize is that, like, first of all, I know how to get on the train and go back to the city. There's drugs in Connecticut, lots of them. I actually probably know more heroin addicts and kids that have died from Connecticut than I do from New York City. So when I moved to Connecticut, I just found the kids that did drugs right away, you know? And it went

from drinking and smoking weed to going to raves and doing crystal meth and acid within a year. like it went very quickly and you know I never had a normal drink ever I never could have a drink or like just got regular drunk and was like oh I'm not going to do that again you know it was like full on blackout drinking I was like just a fucking I was a storm like I was just and I and I was insatiable I just wanted more and more I went to my first rehab by the time I was 15 I think that like my mom, you know, I had been like I would not come home for like five days in a row or, you know, I would call her from like a pay phone in the city and be like, I'm fine, like, I'm good. And, but I was addicted to raves and to getting high. And like, that's when I felt, that's when I felt

at peace was like when I was on like fucking five different kinds of drugs in a dark club with music pounding. Like, I did not want to be anywhere else. Like that was when I felt okay. And I don't know why it never felt okay to be me, you know, and I don't know if there was like mental health issues on top of the, I don't know what came first, you know, like maybe I was depressed and anxious as a kid and like, that's why I also wanted to do drugs. I don't even know at this point. I went to my first rehab at 15 and the crazy thing is like when I went to that rehab, which my parents totally tricked me into going to, like I remember like I woke up and normally like I had like a, you know, when I woke up for school, it was dark out. So when I woke up this morning, it was light out. And I'm like,

this is weird. Why would my parents let me sleep in today? You know? And I went downstairs and I'm like, what's going on guys? And they were being so weird. And I'm like, did grandma die? Like, what's going on? And then I saw my bags packed and sitting on the dining table. And I was like, oh my God, this is so bad. I'm like, where am I going? Like, where are you bringing me? And they're like, can you come in and talk to us like in the bedroom? And I'm going to say like my parents did their best dealing with me. Was it like, you know, they, they were trying their best. Like, you know, to me, I felt like they were talking to me like I was a robot,

which I didn't appreciate. But they didn't know what the fuck to do. They had like a meth addicted like 14 year old, 15 year old kid, right? It's like crazy. I don't know what the fuck I would do if my daughter was how I was. So I remember my mom was like, we found a place for you. It's going to be very helpful. And I was like, hell no, fuck you.

I'm not fucking going. You're crazy. They're like, please just drive with us there. And you can just like check it out. And if you don't like it, we'll leave. Yeah, right. So we drove four hours to Pennsylvania to the Karen Foundation. We, you know, we like checked it out and everything.

And I was like, yeah, I don't want to be here. I don't need to be here. I don't have a problem. And they're like, why don't you spend one night here and just see how you like it? there's other kids, like, you know, it'll be, it's fine. It's just one day. And I was like, oh, fine. But I said to my dad, I'm out of cigarettes.

I need a, get me a pack of Newport's because I'm out of cigarettes. He comes back. He goes drive somewhere. He comes back with a carton of Newports. And I'm like, in my head, I'm like, dad, why did you buy me a carton? And he's like, they were out of single packs. You're going to be there for a while. Exactly.

I still didn't get it. I'm so naive and I was probably still like high because I was literally gone for seven days like rave after rave right before this. And it was the first week of like sophomore year in school. So I'm like, all right. So I, you know, get checked in and I'm like talking to the other kids. And I'm like, yeah, I'm leaving tomorrow. Like, yeah, I'm not staying here. And they were like, yeah, right. They're like, you're not leaving. They're like, you can't even make a phone call to your parents till you've been here for one week. And I was like, I. I'm like, I. I fucking cried for like, I cried for a whole week straight. Like I just cried and cried and I didn't talk to anyone. And I just cried about everything. I cried about moving out of the city. I cried about missing my friends. I cried about being on drugs.

I just was like crying. And then one day we were in group and the counselor said, you guys are addicts. You don't have a red light in your brain to tell you when to stop. other people. You have a green light that just says go, go, go, go, go. And when she said that, I was like, it clicked. And I knew I had this disease. It didn't stop me from doing drugs and drinking for the next fucking decade and more than decade, you know, but I knew. I knew. And I also always was like pretty spiritual. I don't know. Like I wasn't like, I mean, I went to Catholic school and

stuff now I converted to Judaism but I was always spiritual I always believed in God and like doing drugs like I always felt like I don't know it was you know hallucinogenic I felt like I felt like I went to other realms and all of that but like I knew that if I kept doing drugs and drinking I wasn't going to be on the path that the universe really had I wouldn't been I wouldn't be able to like feel the flow of where I was where I was supposed to go and what my life was supposed to be but I couldn't stop. That rehab, you know, was just one of many. I got out. I didn't really stay sober, maybe for a little bit. You know, I went to 12-step programs. And I was 15 years old. Who the fuck really is going to get sober at 15? I'm just wondering with the rehab. How long were you at the

rehab for? Twenty-eight days. Twenty-eight days. Okay. I have a similar story. I have a similar story. When I was 17, I was out of control. And school, uh, jail. everything. And I was in a psych ward. I was feeling suicidal. So I was at a psych ward, UNC Chapel Hill, the hospital there. And my parents had mentioned to me about going to rehab. I wasn't into drugs at this point, but I was more of like a behavioral thing. It was the drugs were, it was definitely a red flag. My parents got help intervention and everybody red flag. This is what's coming. So my parents are trying to intervene. So I was in the psych ward and these two security guards. They were security guards of some sort. Came into the

bedroom kicked the bed. It's a little metal bed there and woke me up and they're like, you're going to rehab. And I was kind of like you too. There's no way that this is going to happen. I went to this place in Knoxville, Tennessee called Peninsula. I was going to say the crazy thing is like you were in a psych ward being stressed out about going to rehab, which I think rehab is better than a psych ward. Yeah, except the psych ward stays were only about seven days. The rehab stay was 12 months. So, yeah. Yeah, so at 17, I was kind of pulled from my life. I went with these two security guards.

They drove me to this place. I actually ran away from them and they had like this big search for me with the sheriff's state troopers and everything from these people. But I went to this place. It was a lockdown program because I wouldn't have stayed anywhere. Where was it? This was in Knoxville, Tennessee, Peninsula Village. So it was three sides water, Tennessee River.

So you couldn't really escape. There was one road kind of out of this place. There was, it wasn't, it was like chicken wire, but hardcore stuff on the windows. And your first like three months, you were in a basement of this cafeteria. Then after that, you graduated to an outdoor program, but you had to sit on your bed all day. You couldn't talk. This was like, it was wild. Looking back, it was wild.

I don't know how it's legal now. I think Paris Hilton's trying to change those laws about these places. Yes. Yes. Yeah. It's not around anymore. I mean, there's so many lawsuits and stuff from the trauma cause. I mean, it did do good for me.

I mean, obviously, same as what you're sharing here afterwards. I got out and I actually started doing drugs afterwards. It's an interesting for the concept, but it did play a purpose. But I had to share a little bit about that story about, yeah, picking out. The most I ever stayed at a rehab was 90 days because then I went back to rehab. I went back like again at 17. and then went back again at 18. You know, it was just a whole, it was the series of just like everything falling apart constantly.

You know, I mean, just like I would get out. I remember I went to the rehab in upstate New York. And I was like, okay, I'm going to get off crystal meth because I don't want to look like shit. And that was my big thing. It was just a vanity thing. And when I got out, the next day I went to a rave and I did every single drug. I did ecstasy, acid, special K, angel dust. But I didn't do crystal.

So I was like, okay, hey, I'm good. to personal. I mean, it was like nuts, you know. Finally, I was like, okay, I should probably stop like doing these hard drugs and I'll just like drink instead. And I had met the, you know, the future father of my child when I was 20. And this is after I'd been living and I lived in a halfway house for a few months. And, you know, um, after I got out of the 30 day treatment program, my mother tried to send me to a therapeutic community run by nuns. And that was supposed to be a year long program. But it was like all mandated by the court. except for me, like, all the girls were mandated by the court, and I wasn't. And I was like,

I'm not fucking staying here. This is like way, it was just not for me at all. You know, I somehow kind of got my life together. Like I was like interning at like fashion magazines and I was still partying, but it was like to me looked better, you know, because it was just drinking and it was like a lot less like I wasn't hanging out with like criminals, you know, like it was just a little more harmless kind of. But and I managed to start my brand married to the mob and I, I put so much of my life into that brand at that at a very young age and it gave me purpose. And I think that like the energy that I put into finding drugs and going to clubs and all of that, I then put all that energy into my brand, you know? And even though I was still drinking and things like that,

I was managing to grow a business that was, you know, becoming successful. And my life was changing. And I was like, you know, this, I went from like, like, basically a teenage delinquent to this girl with like, you know, working with cause and Nike and like being flown to Paris to like do stuff with MCM. And my life did a fucking 180 to the point where I was like, well, I'm not an addict or an alcoholic. Because if I was, how would this have happened? You know, now I have this brand. I'm living in a loft in Tribeca. Like, you know, I'm doing very well for myself at this very young age. And I'm like, wow. And all the, all my friends parents were like, you've turned your life around. You, this is incredible. We thought you were going to be dead.

So I was like, fuck being sober because I can obviously be successful and have, and I was just like, wow, I did it, you know? Like I did it. I fucking, you know, made it happen. And I got pregnant. I had my daughter when I was 25. And I think that's when things shifted for me. Like I couldn't drink the way I wanted to anymore without people being like, yo, you have a newborn. Like you can't. can't get blackout drunk anymore. You know, you can't like go out anymore. Like it just everything was different. And obviously, I was still an alcoholic. I was still an addict. And having a baby wasn't going to change that. You know, it just made it more obvious because the things I could get away with before I was getting away with it because I had success and I had these outside things that looked like, wow, she changed her life around so much. But now if you have, now I have a newborn and I'm like, you know, like her dad is taking care of her. I'm out like, you know, getting wasted and coming home and I'm throwing up in the toilet. I'm sick. And, you know, it became so dark. Like, that's when it

changed. Like, it was like, this is not fun anymore. Like, I'm not the mother that I thought I was going to be. And, um, I broke up with her dad. And, you know, when she was around two, I drank for the first two years of her life. And like, did drugs too, you know, cocaine mainly. I became like my my body and my soul like separated and I was the most empty feeling that I've ever been in my fucking life on the board I was dead like I felt like I was dead I was I mean I was pretty I wasn't really I wasn't like suicidal suicidal but like it was going there you know it was like what's the point of living like this and I kept doing everything I could except go and I'll just say go to a meeting you know because I knew that that existed and that's where I could go

but I was doing everything. I called this like celebrity, like psychic. And I was like, am I an alcoholic? And she was like, you are not an alcoholic, but you should stop drinking. And I'm like, fuck that. She doesn't know what she's talking about. And then I was like, you know, going on these fasts and like doing everything I could to make me feel better except stop drinking.

Finally, I was taking the train home from work from my office during rush hour. And, you know, the train was packed. and I'm just sitting up against the door, like, you know, zoning out, like, being like, what is my life? And I had a total, like, white light experience. Like, they talk about in the big book. I had a spiritual experience. I had an out-of-body experience.

I went out of my body and I saw my life without me. And I was like, God just told me that I'm not making it to my birthday this year. And that was in, like, November or off. October of 2000. That was November of 2009. I think I had one more drink after that. And then that was it. I went started getting help. You know, I managed to stay sober for like almost a decade. But it didn't come without its challenges. I ended up in a sick board while sober because I was like dating a psycho alcoholic. You know, I wasn't doing the things I should have been doing. like I wasn't drinking but I was like seeking like cough syrup with codeine whenever I had a cough.

Like I wouldn't fully commit to being totally sober. And to be honest, I started drinking again because that happens when you stop going to meetings. And I drank for a year. It was televised on television on the Real Housewives of New York. And when the pandemic started, I didn't want to stop drinking at that point. It had been like a year, but I did. And, you know, it wasn't as dramatic as my first experience in 2009. I knew what to do.

I knew where to go. But I was kind of white knuckling it. I wasn't going to meetings. Again, I was smoking weed. And I'm going to have a year back on January 3rd because I, that's when I realized, like, okay, no more weed, no more med seeking, you know, no more Xanax sometimes, like, just none of that. Like, I need to recommit to my sobriety to stay sober and put it.

before anything else. So I'm going to have a year back, January 3rd. And, you know, I was in the psych ward in January. It was a horrible, like it was, I went through the worst depression of my life. And I think that had I been putting my sobriety first, that wouldn't have happened, you know? So I've really kind of been through the ring. But it's all, it's all, you know, it's all good. Like I'm very grateful for that relapse and I'm very grateful for that bottom that I hit,

which was unlike any bottom that I'd ever hit before. Because it's, I'm not going to, I don't forget it. And obviously we only had today. But I have a gratitude towards for my sobriety that I feel like I've never had before. You know, like I could get teary thinking about like I have a year back. I'm so grateful for that year. You know, like by now I would have 13 years if I had stayed sober. But like, I don't even fucking care.

You know, I don't care. It's like I had to go through what I had to go through. And it's just a different journey for every. everybody. Yeah, that's the truth. Everybody has a different journey for how they get to it. And in relapse is a big part of a lot of people's stories to go back out. I mean, I think for me, my mind wants to play the trick that I can figure this out. Like, I can figure it out. I can do this moderately. I can do all of this stuff and I can I can figure it out. And, you know, sometimes, early on in my journey too, which was 12 years ago now, but early on and even before that, I tried to get sober and I tried to do this and I tried to, I tried so hard to keep everything together. And now when I get those thoughts, even 12 years later, I mean, my mind's like, yeah, you can figure this out. You know, at the ball game or the hockey game or with the boys, you can,

you know, you can figure this stuff out. Like, everybody's doing it. I just remind myself, too, that like, you tried everything, Brad. You really tried everything to. keep this stuff in your life, the cocaine, the drinking, the pills, the heroin, you tried, you exhausted all opportunity. And that just keeps me on track. But I love the part where you mentioned about gratitude because I feel like that's a huge thing because life still happens in recovery. Stuff still goes on and to be able to remain grateful, be present for things. It's like a true skill. I feel that we learn throughout recovery. It's really hard. And you know, just like you saying like you can figure it out and it's not i will tell you that before i picked up

that drank after almost 10 years of not drinking the thoughts that went through my mind were you're not like them you're different now than you were before you can definitely do this moderately because you respect yourself now you respect your life you have a different perspective and within like you know a few months i was blackout drinking i was doing coke when i was drunk i was you know it was a mess so quick that it's like I proved to myself like I you know and it's crazy because I'm a very disciplined person you know I can be very disciplined with my diet I can be disciplined with my working out I can be disciplined with my with my job my work my career everything but when it comes to alcohol it does not matter how hard I try to control my drinking it is absolutely out of my fucking control

something goes off and that's it I just I can't like it's just I proved that you it to myself. You know, I did. Yeah, you mentioned heroin. You know, I tried heroin a couple times because, like, I wanted to try all drugs, honestly. I never smoked crack, even though I did want to, but my friend who was smoking crack wouldn't give me any. But I never liked heroin, thank God. You know, I did it a couple times. And I was like, oh, I just felt like I wanted to throw up. It was, well, I hated it. You know, I liked uppers. So, but, you know, and it's really scary. All these people are dying of fentanyl. They think that they're buying some Coke and they're just doing a little coke with their friends and then they're fucking dead i just read in the wall street

journal three people died from the same delivery service in new york city one girl who was only 24 who just became a lawyer one girl who's a social worker and one guy who was i don't know some of a business guy i don't know it's so sad it's horrible yeah that definitely is the the tragedy it's going on right now is that it's the poisoning aspect of things you know so some people are having a hard time understanding this that there's a difference between somebody who's struggling with substance use and intends to buy something but gets something else it would be like buying a steak from the store but you don't get a steak you get a rat poison in your steak but you were intending to buy it and some people are I confused with this idea of like well you know addicts

are making a choice and it's like no nobody's making that nobody's making that choice we We are choosing to buy Xanax or cocaine, but not something that's going to kill people. It's interesting, though. Yeah. It's really interesting, though. You know, I think one of the worst things, I heard this a while back, for somebody who's addicted to gambling, right? The worst thing for them is to win because when you win, then you get that rush, that idea that just gets a matter of time before I get it again. And I think one of the worst things for somebody like us who struggles with the drugs and the drinking

is that when we can do it and it doesn't end up being a big disaster. That was always a struggle for me because every time I drank, every time I did drugs, it wasn't this big blowout like the next day I'd wake up. Everything would be good. I didn't destroy anything. I didn't steal anything and things were good. And that really messed with me when I was when I was working. getting sober is that I was like, every time it's not bad.

Sometimes I could, you know, it would be a regular night out with things. So I don't know. I know. It's, it's, I know sometimes like I've had friends be like, oh, you were like a high functioning alcoholic and drug addict. But at the same time, it's like, was I really? Like, I don't know. Like maybe I was able to like, you know, continue working and like growing my business.

But I was like also like ending up like. passed out and in my own throwup and like losing my bag and my purse in my jacket in like a snowstorm and having no idea how I got home, which is like not really high functioning either. And like I'm going to push back on you saying that it wasn't a disaster either because you were like in a fucking jail at age 17. So it's like, you know. It was. Yeah. Not every time though. But yeah. No, not every time for me either. But like, You know. It definitely created constant chaos.

Yeah, jail was terrible. The first time I got arrested. I'll share this story really quick. I haven't shared it before here. The first time I got arrested to basically in North Carolina, at 16 years old, you get charged with a felony. You're an adult. So you go to like the big jail downtown and all that fun stuff.

I was 16 or 17. So I went there and we, a couple buddies and I, we were breaking and took a ride. And, you know, just helping ourselves this stuff terrible to do. And so we got arrested for this, obviously. And I was in this cell, was probably a 10 by 10 cell with this guy. He was probably in his 20s. And he was being charged with.

I don't know how the story played out. But for killing somebody in New York and then he was taking the train system down trying to get the floor to this with a guy told me. I asked him. I was so naive. I never, you know, my future experiences in jail, you've never asked. that stuff and this guy was sobbing and on the phone and I asked this guy and I thought for sure after that that I was going to turn my I was like my parents bailed me out I was about like maybe three

hours in my parents bailed me on ice I just was like my god I looked up at the sky I was like my god I said whatever it's going to take um I'm going to change after this and um that was just the beginning but you didn't change that no it was only six I was 16 or or 17 around there. No, I didn't. That was just... Oh, right. So young.

Yeah. Yeah. That was just the beginning of things. And then I was actually in jail for a year. And another time, too. That's when I really changed. That's when I kind of made the changes in my life after. That was a positive thing then, I guess.

Yeah. It was the best thing that ever happened. A long story short, I ended up selling drugs to an informant, like two years before this. And then two years, years later, I was living up in Canada. I had gotten sober. I was living with my grandparents at the time. And I was going back to visit my family, North Carolina. When I got off the airplane, the cops were there waiting with my mugshot. And I was like, I was talking to this, this other girl too on the flight there. And like, it was good. And then I just saw her face when these cops were there, like arresting me. I'm like, I, you know, you're the worst guy in the world here. The plane just lands and you're getting arrested. But yeah. And then I was went to jail. And that was for its selling. stuff to this undercover police officer with a buddy of mine. Of course, a buddy of mine set me up on

this deal, which it is what it is. I mean, no hard feelings. But and then after that, I was sent back to Canada, and that's kind of when things started over for me. So, I mean, it was a, it was a beautiful, like, thing at the time, though, it wasn't. But how does your life look now in sobriety, though? Like, and also, I was wondering, too, because you relapsed while you were doing the show, right? I relapsed before. I relapsed before the show. Yeah, before maybe like I relapsed in like May or April and then I started filming in August.

Okay. And what was that like? Oh, my God. So when I found out in August, because I found out I was going to do the show and then three weeks later we were filming. It's not like I had a lot of time to be like, well, I should stop drinking now. But when I found out that I had that I was going to be on the show, I had been on a bender for three days. Like Adderall, fucking Coke, fucking drinking. I felt so sick and I got the call from the production company.

Like, well, they want you. Like, congratulations. And I was like, oh my God. And I couldn't even process it, you know? Like I was like, what? And this is actually, I've never told this story before. I'm going to tell it here. It might end up on page six, just saying.

So they had me the next day. They wanted me to go hang out with Tinsley, which was the other girl. And I had met her before. But they wanted me to go like meet up with her and, you know, just start really viving before we started filming together. And I was like really hungover. So I'm like, I guess I'm going to, you know, I'm going to just have a couple drinks with her.

So I'm not so hungover. well, we start drinking and all, you know, five glasses of wine in. And I'm like, let's go to a party. Like, let's go to this loft party that my sister's at. We go there. Someone there has Coke. And so this was the first time that I did coke since I started drinking in May or April. So right before I start like filming, like I end up doing low, which I think. And then I like ended up going to like this club the box. Not what Tinsley didn't do any drugs or anything like that. And she didn't. come with me to the to the club. But I like left my lost my Chanel bag and my jacket and it was such a disaster. And I think I did like like laced coke with something because I was so physically sick for two weeks. Like hot flashes. Like I mean, I can't even get into like how sick I was because it's like gross. Like I was going to the doctor like what's wrong with me? Like something's wrong with me. I was having like also panic attacks that wouldn't stop. And the producers were calling me like, hey, can we come over and, like, talk to you about, like, what, like, what we're going to film?

And I was like, you know what? I have, like, food poisoning or something. And, like, I'm not feeling great. And they were starting to get worried because I was like, I was like, I don't think I'm going to be healed enough. But I also might have been, like, having like a full on, like, anxiety, like, mental breakdown over being on the show because I realized, was realizing, like, how much it was going to change my life.

Finally, I was like, you know, got my shit together and, like, had the producers come over and I started filming. But I knew I was like, wait, like I just started drinking after a decade of not drinking. I know how I am when I'm drunk. I need to watch my ass because like, how am I going to be on this show and not look like a hot mess? And I was like, I don't want the drinking to be a thing. And of course, it's like, you know, you can't, I can't hide it. Like, I couldn't hide it. Like my mother was pissed at me that I was drinking again. That became a whole issue. Look, I'll say they edited me very nicely. They, you know, gave me a lot of grace.

and my drunk moments were very entertaining and light and funny. And I was kind of enjoying myself drinking at the, you know, like I really was. And plus those women that are on the show are like the wildest drinkers too. So like I kind of just mesh right in with them. You know, no one was judging me on my drinking because they get so drunk too. So I felt like I was right at home with them. But it was definitely weird to see myself blackout drunk on national television, naked throwing teaky torches you know what i mean so but i don't know it was like i have no regrets

i think that like it you know luckily i didn't do any serious harm to myself or anybody else i made some great tv moments um i made people really happy and entertained during the pandemic and luckily i was able to come back and a lot of people don't come back you know and that's the fucked up part, but I luckily was able to get sober again, you know, and also be able to talk about it on the platform, on that platform, which I think is very cool. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, it's a massive, it's a massive platform for sure. What does your life look like now in sobriety? It's the most important thing, you know, I mean, I have a sponsor, I reach out to newcomers, like I try to go to meetings as much as possible. I, you know, meditate.

I pray. I mean, I'm still a hot mess, you know. I mean, I have a very hard time turning things over. You know, because life has, like life, like, life. And I deal with, you know, depression issues and things like that. And I was really overmedicated on a lot of psych meds when I first got sober. And they weren't helping. They weren't helping at all. And, you know, now I'm on like just an antidepressant. But I know, if I don't stay sober, I can't, you know, I can't handle any of that. So it's the number one. priority in my life. Yeah. Yeah, I hear you on that for sure. Yeah. I mean, it's definitely for drinking and drugging, it's definitely hard to get any of the mental health stuff figured out because I feel like it just too many moving pieces, right? So what advice would you give to somebody if they were struggling to get sober or to stay sober? The holidays are coming up too. Like, I don't know about you, but for me, for a lot of people I know, the holidays, there's a lot of downtime. There's a lot of stress. There's like everything that could trigger somebody will probably come up. Family.

I mean, that's like the most, you know, I started taking my daughter to Jamaica every Christmas so I wouldn't have to deal with family stuff. But this year I'm not and I'm going to be spending it with my family. But my, you know, my suggestion was like, would be stay in touch with sober people. Because you can't do it alone. It's all about community. And it's like when I call one of my sober friends and have a. conversation, just having this conversation with you. I woke up with the worst anxiety today.

I was like shaky. I like didn't feel well. I feel so much better. Just connecting with another sober person and remembering all the stuff that I have to be grateful for. So I think if anyone's struggling with getting sober or staying sober, like stay close to the to the program, you know, the program. Stay close to sober people, you know, and pray. Like I pray. I just pray. I mean, it's not, and I know it's silly because I hate when people tell me if I'm like depressed. You're like, try to pray. It's like, no, it's not going to take my depression away. But prayer is powerful.

And meditation, that shit is really more powerful than prayer to me because like and like Huberman had a great podcast about what it actually changes your brain, you know? And I'm into healing my brain because I really believe that it's just it's all up there, you know? So meditating and I know that's like hard. But it's not. You just, you know, you go on the fucking waking up app that's Sam Harris. Harris app I have waking up. It's fucking amazing. There's so many things. You can do it for five minutes. You can do it for 20 minutes. That should change as your brain. It makes you feel so much better. Yeah. No, I love that. Yeah. There's a lot more stuff like research and a lot more

evidence, scientific stuff coming out for all of these different things. I feel like when I first started this journey and even like way after that, there was no talk of meditation, no talk of breath work, no talk of all these other alternative ways that we can kind of. to stop ourselves and kind of reset, get back on track. I love that, though. The community part is massive. It's so important. And also like, you know, so much of like, I don't know, like addicts, like with our impulse control, we have impulse control issues, like the fight or flight shit, you know, like meditating and breath work changes all of that. Like it like shuts it, you know, it kind of slows it down. And I'm always doing, I'm always focusing on my breathing.

Because when I have stress, I feel like I can't breathe. That's like how it manifests. in me. So yeah, I've been all in on that. Like aside from just my regular meetings and stuff, I'm all in on like therapy and all that shit. All around approach. Outside help is so important. We all need outside help. Because not only like, even if you didn't have trauma like as a child, like you, if you're an addict or alcoholic, that shit is traumatic. And it creates traumatic events in your life. That is so true. I'm thinking that we're at a good spot here to finish things. up. This has been incredible. I appreciate you so much for coming on here. I appreciate you and all you're doing. You're helping so many people, just like your Instagram showing these stories,

the before and after photos of people. Sometimes it just touches my heart, you know? Like, it really does, like seeing how far people come. It's amazing. Yeah, it's incredible. Did you have anything for closing that you'd like to share? Just that, um, you know, we're all, we're living in a crazy time. Like we're we all collectively are probably reeling from, uh, you know, COVID and having to live in shut down a shutdown world that has impacted so many people for the in such a negative way. I mean, suicides are up. Overdoses are up. Teenagers are using drugs. They're depressed. I think we have to be loud and out and open about addiction and have to break the stigma around it. Because like,

There's a global crisis going on with addiction. And the only way we're going to be able to help is just to be open about our stories and our struggles. And that's the truth. That's what this whole platform is built on in you sharing your story. It's definitely going to be helpful for people. And I feel like that's the big barrier. Like when I first started out, I didn't know sober people. I didn't know it existed.

I didn't know that my life wasn't going to be boring if I went down this road. And now it's like everybody's speaking out and sharing their stuff. story. People can connect with it. People can identify with different parts of our stories, even though it's not the same story for everybody, but there's parts that we can all gather from and to find out that other people figure out a way to make it through. I think it's just so powerful to have other people that, especially people that look up to you. It's, it's in and on such a grand, like a grand scale. Like I was talking with another guy yesterday he was on think you can dance dan and uh i'm like i don't know how you guys do this tv thing i

can barely do the podcast thing and we don't even use the video and i'm sweating everywhere doing this yeah it's a lot it's a lot so yeah you guys are incredible and keep keep sharing your story and i i can't thank you enough honestly this is this has been nothing short of thanks so much so great talking to you well there's There's another incredible episode in the books. I hope you all enjoy this episode as much as I did. I had a lot of fun recording this, doing the editing afterwards, and I can't wait for it to be out for everybody to check out.

Leah did an incredible job to come on here and be open, honest, and transparent with her story and hopes to crush the stigma. She talks a lot about that, and I can't thank her enough for being a big voice for us out there in the world. If you enjoy this episode, just like I always ask, don't forget to leave a review on your favorite podcasting platform. Next episode on the podcast is going to be Frankie Loyal from Mayans. If you've seen it on FX, it's the badass biker show.

So stay tuned for that. That'll be dropping this week. But until then, I'm out.