Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Leanne's struggle with alcohol and cocaine took her to the brink. Now 4 years sober she tells the tale.

Episode Date: July 25, 2024

Leanne shares her journey of overcoming addiction to alcohol and cocaine, and the transformations she sees in her life since choosing recovery. She openly discusses her early life experiences, her struggles being adopted, dealing with ADHD, the pressures of a dancing career, and her almost life-ending relationship with substance abuse.  Leanne’s daughter was born with serious health conditions and she struggled to cope and went deeper and deeper into her addiction.  Leanne stresses the importance of honesty and introspection in recovery and the need for help and connection. Leanne and her daughter Darcy have a saying ‘We Move’ and from listening to her story you will understand the importance sobriety plays in her life. This is Leanne’s story on the Sober Motivation podcast. ------------- Sobriety Shower Affirmation Cards : https://jaxkelly.com/products/sobriety-shower-affirmations  (USE code 'Sobermotivation' for 25% off) Leanne's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/soberlittlemotherred/ Giveaway on Sobermotivation Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sobermotivation/

Welcome back to Season 3 of the Suburmotivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode, we have Leanne, who shares her journey of overcoming an addiction to alcohol and cocaine and the transformations she has seen in her life since choosing recovery. She openly discusses her early life experiences, her struggles being adopted, dealing with ADHD, the pressures of a dancing career, and her almost life-ending relationship

with substance abuse. Leanne's daughter was born with serious health conditions, and Leanne struggled to cope and went deeper and deeper into her addiction. Leanne stresses the importance of honesty and introspection in recovery and the need for help and connection. Leanne and her daughter, Darcy, have a saying, we move. and from listening to her story, you will understand the importance, sobriety plays, and both of their lives. This is Leanne's story on the Sober Motivation podcast.

Welcome back, guys, to another episode. I just want to give you a heads up to Leanne just celebrated four years of sobriety. This is a bit of an older episode that I recorded here on the podcast, but I thought we'll relaunch it here as the summer has just been fairly busy with the kids and all of that fun stuff. I also want to give you a heads up too. I'm hosting a giveaway over on my Instagram at Sober Motivation right now for some sobriety shower affirmation cards. These things are incredible by a company called Jacks Kelly. The coolest thing about these, it's not like a sticker. I can't show you on the podcast, but I have a video over on Instagram showing you you wet the back and then you can stick it to your shower, your back splash, your mirror, and there's 20 affirmation cards. We're giving away

10 sets in this collaboration. So head over there, enter the giveaway. And if you want to just go ahead and pick up a set and support the sponsors of the podcast, head over to their website, jackskelly.com, and use the code sober motivation to save 25%. Now let's get to this episode. How's it going, everyone?

Brad here. Welcome back to another episode. Leanne's story is incredible. And I'm not going to spoil it at all for you. but when I went back through the editing, I couldn't help, but shed a few tears myself. Her incredible ability to share her story and everything she's going through and her willingness to share this is incredible, and I feel that it's going to help so many people. I want to mention before we jump into the episode that we do talk about a suicide attempt that Leanne had.

So that is in the episode. I hope you guys enjoy this, and I'll see you at the end. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got my friend Leanne with us. Leanne, how are you? Good, thank you, my friend. I'm good. How are you?

I'm well. Thanks for jumping on here and being willing to share your story with all of us. Oh, no. I'm so blessed to be here. I've been waiting a long time to do this. So I'm super excited to chat to you today. I really am. Awesome.

So how we start every episode is with the same question. What was it like for you growing up? Growing up, I have to say. say it was born in 1983 in England. I was adopted very young, so I went into the care system for a bit. And I have to say, I was adopted into a family of love, 2.4 children. And it was nice. It was a nice place to be. I was given such a nice home, and I'm really grateful for that. And it's still really strong family bond. Yeah, I have to say, it was nice, which is why sometimes you think, well, How did it end up the way that it did, you know?

Looking from the outside, everything always looks shiny sometimes, doesn't it? But sometimes it's not. Yeah, wow, interesting. I don't know if we've had anybody on the show yet, at least not that I know of, that's been adopted. What age did that happen at? So it happens at quite an early age. No one can give me an exact date time. There's a period of time where people can't even tell me.

who looked after me, like where I went from the hospital, who had me, who held me, who nurtured me for the very early start of my years. And I think still to this day, even at the age of 40 now, I can't find out that information. It's a tough thing to sort of live with and understand the process. Most people come home, have those lovely pictures. There's no way I can dot the eyes or it's really quite a sense. bad thing, but it's something that has propelled me forward in the way that I now parent as well. So you take the rough with the smooth and I have to say I was lucky in some situations and circumstances, but there has always been these empty spaces. And I think for anyone that is adopted, you have those empty spaces.

You have those questions and you have to come to understand that those questions sometimes can't be answered and the harder part will never be answered and I'm going to go to my grave not kind of knowing who I am and that's a really strange thing to connect with at some parts of your life and I think quite anyone that I've spoken to that has been adopted can really resonate they were like to feel that there's just this missing yeah 100% you can always connect with other adopters the same thing the missing pieces the missing power Yeah, I hear you on that for sure, not having those answers. Definitely create a void.

How do you progress through school and all that stuff with your adopted family? So I was given a good education and my family moved to the new up-and-coming estate with the good schools and community buildings, places for kids, parks for kids. You know, it was all there. It was all very glorious. I had a sister, my parents loved me, dad worked hard, mom stayed home. I have to say every member of my family till this day, like a second cover is removed. Everyone's treating me the same as they would as if I was a member of their family. So I was very lucky I went to a good school.

I remember primary school here, which is up to the age of like 11. I liked it. I embraced it. Everyone was quite individual and I really. really liked that and there was no sort of you had to be in a group you were forced to be with people you weren't it was it was very pleasant i got to see in a secondary school here which is your age 12 different kettle of fish completely everyone knew who they were everyone had their stories had their roles and i was like i don't know who i am you know

at this age, I don't know who I am, and I found it really hard to identify. I was very different to other children. I was quite, my parents have always been really open about my adoption, so I was really open about my adoption. And it turned against me. Like, I was made to feel a complete outcast. People would say things like, well, nobody loves you because they gave you away, like little things that even now you see it as childhood spite, you still heard those words. You can't unhear things, unfortunately. So that's when it turned. I wanted to fit in.

So for me, alcohol stored around age 12. Party is, I would be the girl, that bought the booze to the party. I would be the one that would sneak the odd beer into school. I would be that person. And it started because I had these things, people started to like me. So school, second for school, even though I did quite well, scraping by, not doing any work. I just had no interest. My interest was already at 16 years old, leaving, game my own flat, drinking myself, doing dry, like all these things. I had it massively planned

out in the early years for me as well. I had no structure. I didn't have any focus, which I later found out later on in life. Well, about two years ago, that I've got ADHD. No one picked up on it. So all these things sort of catalysts to my behaviour traits, which I now now I just thought there was always something severely wrong with me or it didn't fit in with the crowd. So I can't say I hated school because I went like I never bunked toss, but I didn't fit in. I didn't like it. I put myself under immense pressure, immense strain. I tried to mold into people and things that I wasn't. I was the joker. I was the one that tried to please everyone, but little did I know that I was giving myself absolutely no pleasure at all.

So I scraped by. I did quite well with my grades, but I didn't injury it. And it was setting me up for this empty feeling, which sort of came later on in the following year has to come. Yeah, I'm with you on that. I assumed a lot of those same roles too in school. And a lot of people, it seems like, on the podcast, too,

we really get comfortable with wearing a lot of different masks that we can be this person in this circle, be that person here, be this person at home. And I think even at early age, I wasn't completely aware of what I was doing. It was more like a survival technique, a survival, a way to survive in these different environments, a way to somewhat fit in and somewhat belong and somewhat be part of the pack, even though it was other people I didn't see them having to really try at it. Other people were able to be part of the social circles. It seemed like maybe they had to try a little bit, but just being themselves. And I found me more of,

into all these different characters to play this character here and this character after lunch and this character at home. And it just became exhausting. But like when I was going through it, I don't know if I was extremely aware of it. It just worked. And then it kind of didn't work. But it's interesting. So you start drinking at 12 years old. How did you get introduced to drinking? I don't want to blame my parents, but alcohol was in the house. They never drank excessively. You know, they would have some wine with meals. They would see them around friends. I had my sister's five years older than me, so there's quite a big gap there.

So I'd see her and her friends. And it was just kind of there. Like on a Sunday it was quite a done thing and still is in this country. But yeah, it is England. We are the nation of let's have a drink, whether we're celebrating, commiserating, it's a Wednesday, it's 10 o'clock on a Thursday. Let's all have a drink. So I think I was first introduced to our people.

when I was actually on a family holiday in France. We were given some wine. It seemed like a really exciting treat. It's something that I'd longed for. And then it turns into cans of beer after school, which turned into I was the girl that would, because I looked quite old at the time, could get a bottle of vodka,

laps really ID back in the day. Like there just was it, you could just get alcohol that young, you could just get it. Take it to parties. But it was everywhere. So even though it was in my household, things that I was watching on TV at the time, people's other families that I was around, everybody drank.

And I remember my nan staying to me when I was really young. Never trust anyone that doesn't drink a hot drink and doesn't drink alcohol. It's kind of like growing up with that mentality. But it was everywhere. It was something and still is highly regarded over here. It's like massive cultural thing. But if you don't do it, you're all the odd one out. I don't think there was any pressure for me to drink.

I think I was very much excited to do so, like taking part in that action. And I think as you just touched on as well is very much the comedian changing to be in different groups. So one group would be the Kansas cider. One group would be the fancy wife. So it was just everywhere. And I liked it because it made me feel like. nice. It gave me that confidence that

I didn't have. It gave me some solace that I later realised it numbed my pain for a very long time and that's why I liked it because I had a lot of pain. So that's how I got into it and drugs came later. I think

the first day of college of smoke to splice had a massive whiting and vomited everywhere. And then the day after that I was introduced to cocaine and that was just on a college toilet, you know? And I obviously have learned over the years. I've got very addictive personality, so if I do something, I do it wholeheartedly. I do it a lot, and there is no stopping me.

So that's how it started. But when you look birth, you can understand why you did things, but at the time, you're just doing them. There's no thought, there's no consequences, there's no rationality. There's just you're doing it. You can't explain why you're doing it. Only if you could. It would stop a lot of this, wouldn't it?

Yeah, really interesting. So where do you go after, after we call it primary school? Is that like till grade 12, until you're like 18, primary school? So secondary school is 16. Then I went to Stratford College to study dance, which I did really well in. I think it was the discipline. I think it was a way for me to, I didn't have to talk to anyone, and I just had to dance.

And I could let out all my emotions. And then I got picked up by a dance school, which was amazing, which was like the highlight of my life to getting picked to a dance school. Because I never got picked. I had to try really hard to be liked. I had to really put my hands off a lot to try and get anything. And this just came to me, and I was so blessed at the time. But what came with the ballerina was this strict diet was this. You had to be thinner.

You had to stay awake longer. You had to do this. So cocaine, I remember going into one of the dressing rooms, and I'd already done a lot of things. And it was this, here you go. This is work now, but this is part of your work to stay thin. If it wasn't that, are the tablets that would store. strip you as well. So Prozac, beta blockers, lots of things like this. It was like, take these because your anxiety is going to be mad. Your heart's going to be pumping, so you're going to have

to take it down. So you're like literally snorting loads of coke to come down with the beta blockers to just, it was like entangle while doing 14 hour days of being a ballerina. Like you are a broken soul. Somebody is telling you you're a piece of crap every single time you're walking to there, faster, harder, stronger, pointer, turn faster, move faster. And it's just this. It's just this catalyst of depression. I know a lot's come out in the British press of late and recently about what happened in ballet schools. And I echo everything that happened at the time you were just trying to impress. You were just trying to lose weight. You were just trying to be this person. So Coke pretty much spiraled out of control. And funnily, enough, ended my career.

many hours earlier because I came out of a nightclub so hammered after the thing doing five days of dancing and I got hit by a bus. And that was it. That was the end of my career. And I'd got no other skills. You literally go overnight as well. Although they were all my friends, it's like footballers. You leave your football career, you leave your ballet career and there's no one. You've got no friends anymore. You've got no one to talk to and no one to be with. You've lost your career, you've lost your purpose, everything about you that you've built up, like built this character at this point. I was this ballerina, I was this strong human being and it's who I truly believed I was. The next day, I was not that person anymore. And it was a huge

shock to the system. And it was kind of like, where do I go from here? Just a massive shock. And that was it. Done. Yeah. So how old were you when you get hit by the bus? So I was 23, 23. So I had quite a few years left in these ballerina legs before that happened, but it happened and it's something that I've had to live with. Burns, I think that moment probably saved my life later on in life, and I know it's kind of a weird thing to say because it didn't kill me at that point, but it gave me the realization to stay alive years later.

But after what happened, I had no purpose. My purpose was to basically just scrape by, get a job, get drunk every weekend, and do cocaine because that was it. How dare I ever try and do anything again? What's the point? That's it. It's done. And I felt like I was done at that point as well. Like I died inside.

Yeah, you put everything into this career, right? And then that happens. Where are your folks at? Are they seeing this? Are you still close with them? Do you talk with them? I've been close with my family for, I mean, I've had the odd childhood tantrum and, you know, answering my phone for a couple of weeks or whatever, but they were always all around.

I've still got friends from then as well that were always around. But the best and the worst thing about me is when I'd built up these characters, you couldn't tell I was dying inside. No one could. I was the most functioning alcoholic I've ever met to this day. You couldn't even tell if I'd have a one glass of wine or 20 bottles of wine if I'd been up for 24 hours or if I'd been up for two weeks and got on the missing list. I would commute.

Every now and again, I would withdraw, but everyone thought I'd just got a new boyfriend or something like that. There was no need to get what about me. I was a good liar. Everyone would ask, sometimes I'd get too thin. You're all right. Is everything okay? And I've been like, oh, yes, I've just been on this beautiful diet and this cleansing juices and all this.

just used to bear the light of people and I was good at it and I'm ashamed to say that but nobody picked up on anything like till I was about 27 28 but then that sort of just pillared into she's just the one that drinks she's just the one that's off her face all the time she's just the one that does this so even then it wasn't recognized as a problem it had just become part of who I was, and I think a lot of people that I speak to through the sober community, you just become this drinker, you've lost control because alcohols took control of you. So you're no longer a person, you're just fuelled by alcohol or whatever substances you're using. And it changes, and the more you do it, the more you can hide it, and the more you become better at it. And that's

the scary thing about addiction. You just become better at telling those lies, better at hiding those trees, and just hiding everything about you till no one knows. So true. So true on that. When was the first time you would say that you picked up on that all of this might be a problem? I think if I was looking back in retrospect now from the age of when I hit 16, I've had a substance of abuse problem and alcohol problem since the day I was 16. At the time in it, it was only when I got to 27. I thought, I actually, I woke up the one day and I was vomiting blood. I was six stone and a couple of pounds.

I was bow. I was a yellow. And then for a year after that, I did a year. It was sobriety. The whole year. And I just didn't really know I was doing it. I just didn't want to feel like that anymore. And that's kind of when I thought, right, I have actually been relying on this because it was quite a struggle.

to get away from it. I had to withdraw from people. I went through withdrawals. And then that's when the realisation, and I did it, yeah, and I did it well, and I had a good time in that yard, and I loved it,

and my life changed dramatically. And then someone asked me if I wanted a drink one night, and I said yes. And then I went back to the same, well, it all spiraled completely out of control then, because I think after a year's of sobriety you can have this false illusion that maybe you could just have one and maybe you can control your drinking and maybe because you don't have to do coke you will never do it again and that's the false lie that I also told myself on one like that one drink led to 10 years of absolute in my life and it was awful it was absolutely awful. I didn't just drift back into it. I was straight back in at three bottles of wine a day, two grams of coat, three grams of coat. I then started to feed my own habit, supply to other people,

which is something that I'm so ashamed of it, because when I'm older, I've got to sit with what I did, and the people's lives that I could have ruined, and I hold my hands up to that. It's not a great thing to say, but I did because I couldn't afford it anymore, so the best thing to do was to get it in and supply it to people, And then I went in with a friend to buy a bar because it's like, oh, yeah, let's go and do that. Because that's all I want to do is drink and sell drugs. And I did. And it almost ended me. And it was the hardest time.

And I think when you look back, you don't realize that when you were scraping the barrel every single day trying to be a human being, when you have the weight of the world on your shoulders every day, how hard it is. And that's what I look back at and that's what hearts is. I didn't have to go through that pain, that heaviness, that feeling empty and brokenness. I just didn't have to do it. But it just seemed like the only way. Yeah. I hear you on that.

Did you ever reach out for any help throughout any of this, like counseling or support meetings or anything like that? Any interventions? Yeah. Like throughout my life, even when I was a young child, I was, you know, big believer, I've always had mental health issues. And later come to realize that I've got adoptive syndrome as well. I've got ADHD. I suffer with PTSD now, lots of things. But I've had therapy since I was younger and people just put it down to she's different.

It is what she's been through. She's different. My parents even came to like therapy with me as well and like there is the older generation so that's not really something that was done but they did it. I reached out when I was older to the doctors, to medical professionals. I screamed for help but I never put it down to alcohol and substance addiction. I just put it down to my brain works differently and I'm not going to listen to that because they're right. I'm different to people because I've been through this. And I think I just, along with

medical professionals, shunted it. Like, just, no, it's not anything to do with that. Not anything to do with that. And obviously, it was absolutely everything. I mean, I do have separate issues, but they have been heightened throughout all this period of time because of my substance and alcohol use as well. So I did reach out. And I think the world is changing now. I think there's more support out there. I think it's more accepted to say, I need help. And I think there's more people like yourself, like me, reach now to hold other people's hands and look like they're in the same situations that we've been in as well. So I'm thankful it's a different world now, but I did reach out for help. I did get certain help, maybe the wrong help, maybe not enough help. But yeah,

it's one thing that I am proud that I did sort of try and assess what it was going to be. going through at the time, but again, never put alcohol and substance towards anything that I was going through. Yeah, it is interesting too. Here's some stories, too, about people go and see different service providers and maybe, hey, you don't really have a problem with that. Maybe it's this other stuff to look at or all these different things, right? And I think that, yeah, I mean, there's obviously different scenarios that are going to

play out different ways. But when I look back at my journey, I don't know that I was completely honest with everybody. everybody that tried to help me. I think that was one thing where I probably could have brought more to the table and for other people who are looking to reach out and get help with people, people can only really help you with as honest as we are engaging in those conversations, right? But it's also interesting that you bring up too that oftentimes we hear as well that we'll try to change every other aspect of our life, our job, our relationships, maybe look at different areas of our mental health,

which are all great, which all might need some change. But we land on the alcohol and the other substances last. And we land on those to be able to try to do, say, hey, like maybe this is the problem. We seem to safeguard this and say,

it's got to be this. It's got to be that. It's got, you know, and that's like just such a tiring thing because, I mean, what alcohol and cocaine, too,

due to your mental health is, going to be really hard to get a fair assessment anywhere you go if that's not part of the conversation. So it is so interesting. So what does the rest of your life look like? I mean, you're drinking every day, you're doing cocaine. What are like, are you working? Are you in relationships? What else is going on? So I was drinking, doing lots of drugs. I was with a, and I'm not going to name before you say, but I was with a famous 90s pop singer. So obviously that spiraled out of control as well because that took me into the celebrity world where everything was just even more right. That ended because we were both in a terrible state with drugs and alcohol.

And I came back to, I was London for a while and I came back to Birmingham, as I said, went in with a friend with a bar and it was just chaos. I'd say working, but it was just like getting drunk every day. I've had some good career jobs in between before the bar as well. I work for a fragrance company. We sold out to Elizabeth Arden for a lot of money. I've always, if I've had a career, I've done well at it. Despite everything that was going on, I worked for a long time. They'd get a deal.

Seven o'clock in the morning, you're having a shop. I've always, it's weird because when I look back, I've always navigated to jobs that have allowed me to drink or do stubs, or party. And that's the mad thing, how accepted it was. So I was at the bar drinking, working, and in 2016, I unexpectedly felt pregnant. And that was a massive shock. It wasn't in a relationship as such. I was just seeing someone. And then that day, I didn't touch drugs. I didn't touched drink. There was something inside me. And one, I felt really sick. And I say to people, and I'm honest about this, and people may not like it. But I think if I hadn't have felt so

ill, I probably would have carried on drinking. But because I felt so ill, I didn't drink. And that's just the honest truth. But for those nine months, and then when I was in pregnancy, this is where it kind of all spiraled, a bit out of control. I went for a routine scan. And the doctor pulled me into a room and I thought, oh, this doesn't look very good, what is going on here? And they informed me that my baby had a heart defect and there was going to be a 2% chance that she was going to live. She would probably have eddows, patos, she would probably die, she wouldn't be functional, she wouldn't have any brain like function at all. But she was going to die and then they gave me 10 minutes to decide if I was going to terminate my pregnancy by stopping at the baby's heart and giving fathers or whether I was going to go away and try and have a baby.

And I remember slipping the desk up looking at my dad who I took to my pregnancy appointment with me and just saying get me out of you. Later on, prematurely, did have my daughter, Darcy, and she's with us today. Well, she's seven now. But life isn't great. We had a really tough start. Darcy's had 100 operations. And when she came home for hospital after the first nine months, that's when my drinking spoiled out of control because I was told at the start, Darcy won't have.

have a lifespan like mine or yours, I will outlive my daughter. There's no beating around the bush and that's what's going to happen. And I can't daily deal without not saying that I can now, but I couldn't get my head around it. I couldn't get my head around being a single mom to a child with disabilities that needs full-time care and unstrank all the time. Like literally, always time. And that's when people started to notice because I had some mum friends and one of my mum friends came around. She went, you know it's 10 o'clock in the morning and you're drinking. And then there was a night when it was actually my birthday and I think it was the first night out away from a child that I'd ever had. And I drank a bottle of vodka, two pots of pso.

People had turned up at my house. And I could hear them saying she can't go out like that. She can't go out in that state. And I went, I can hear you. And my friend just went, you've got a problem. And that is the first time anyone had said it out loud. And I, of course, shouted of every obscenity at that person, told them to get out my house and all these things. Obviously, the next day she said, I don't even remember this because I still went out.

She said, you phoned and you kept phone until I picked up the phone to apologize. And then I didn't stop. I just kept going. And on the 19th of September in 2019, I took a lot of prescribed pills and two bottles of vodka because I didn't want to be here anymore. And I did almost die. I was very lucky.

I was found just in seconds of time of not being here anymore. And it pains me now to look back and think I was. ready to leave this world. But I think I'd cope, everything could escalate it, 20 years, 30 years of drinking heavily, of being so chemically imbalanced from all the drugs that I was taking. It just went bank, and so did I. And then about a week later, after I'd had some intense treatment, I'd come home, was trying to cover it up, because if people knew,

then they'd take my daughter away from me. And I got home and I went to therapy and somebody said to me, have you ever considered really giving up alcohol? By this time, after my drugs was the last thing on my mind because I do think it tipped me to the point of doing that. And I had a deep discussion with a therapist for over two hours about giving up alcohol and what it might do for me. And I said, I'll go away and think about it. And I did. and less than a year after that so on the 25th of July 2020

that was the last time I had any alcohol and I've never had any to this day and I still live with the knowledge of the relationship I have with my daughter at some point will come to an end and that is every parent's worst nightmare but I live with it today

because you know what the best thing that I could ever do is be present. And being present gives me everything I'm going to lose to wonder. And I don't know how to explain that properly, but the presence I have around her now, being totally there, 100% every second, every minute makes life okay, makes it what it is today. We have a beautiful relationship. We fight daily. Nobody knows how much we fight, but we, fight and we will keep on fighting. And I give her that fight on the days that she doesn't have it and she gives it to me too. And the only way I have that is to not drink because if I have one,

I have 20, then I'll have some grams of cocaine, then I'll go missing, then I'll get arrested, then I'll try and bam ham stand. That's it for me and it's a choice. Live or die. That was the choice for me and I chose to live. And I'm here to tell the tale. And I almost wasn't. That's the really important bit about this story. It's that I almost wasn't here to tell this story. Thank you so much for sharing that.

Thank you. Do you think there's something deeper to you being here to share this story? I can't help but wonder too. You mention your moments away from this never happening. in your life, that being the end of your life. I don't know. But something happened. Something or somebody saved me,

not only the person that was there, but I think to everything that I've been through in the past, that I need to be here to tell this tale, literally as I'm lying on the floor, and I can still, this is part of my PTSD as well. I can remember what I was thinking about when I was doing it, what was flashing in front of me. And a lot of it were all,

The similar people to me, it was all about trying to, if I wasn't here, getting them help, it was all about my daughter, it was just this flashing, they say about this euphoric light, it was just absolutely insane and I can still picture it. I don't know what saved me, but something did. And whether it be the higher power, whether it be the universe, whether it be myself, the inner power that I had, because I've always had to fight for things, Even as a baby, I had to fight and I'm still daily fighting. And I think it's that internal fight that I have just gave it.

But I also know I could never put myself in that situation again because I will never have as much fight as I did to get through that. I know we're made of strong things and I believe that we are strong on the outside through things that we go through. But to get through what I did to come back from the brink, that took a lot and I never ever want to go there again. It's like we said earlier about scraping the barrel, trying to pull yourself together every day. I've found myself, I know who I am, I believe that sobriety is the gift that keeps on giving,

which is why I get up every single day. And I give my sobriety to other people because it's the only way I get to keep mine and I'm blessed about that. The more we give, the more we get to hold on to as well. And I think it's such a powerful tool. It's something that no one ever reached out and held my hand about or spoke to me about. But I reach out to every single person's hand. I have tough conversations in any situation possible because they need to be bad. Everyone is dying in silence.

Why aren't we shouting? Our brothers, our sisters, our friends. our mothers. It's not just the people that are taken by addiction, by mental health. It's the people around. It's the people who are left. It's the people that have all these questions of why, how, who, how could this happen? So I believe truly, I went, sorry, I went a bit off a tangent then, but I believe it's the inner world and the words that I've got to share with the world now because they're really important because I learned the hard way. and people say, why do you talk so openly about it?

I'm sure my parents don't like to hear some of the things that I say and what I've been through and what I've done. But they truly believe in it because my dad said, I don't want anyone to feel the pain that I did because you never have to. Like to never have to go somewhere like that. You don't have to. There's someone that will listen.

There's someone that will care. I'm living proof that you can get out of addiction. Like yourself, it can change. Can for the better. So true. It definitely can. Go back to when you first started out all this. You mentioned you taught with the therapist or counselor there for a couple hours and it suggested that you take a look at this whole drinking thing. I mean, what are some of the first steps you take? Because you mentioned there too, which is something that stood out to me. And I'm sure at the time, you definitely felt

that to be 110% true, right? Things really unraveled there. But listening to your story a little bit here and I obviously wasn't there for all of it. But it seems like things have been headed that direction or unraveling maybe at different scales, since you were 16 probably, and then things really sped up there. But what are some of the first things you do to start to get yourself out of this spot that you're in? So the first thing that I did, when I went to therapy, where I remember me and my therapist, Graham, I still see him now. And I told him, loads of bullshit. It just all came out, and I was all erratic, and I was just telling lies, lies, lies.

And he just looked to me and went, when you're prepared to sit down and tell me the truth, we'll have a conversation. A bit like Robin Williams and Goodwill Hunting, that type of therapies. He knew that I was just full of bullshit. And it just took me by surprise. It took me by surprise that somebody called me out. Somebody knew that I was lying. No one had ever questioned me before.

How does he know? And I trusted him. I trusted one person in my life. I love my parents. I've never trusted anyone. I couldn't. It was the thing that I just couldn't do. If my own mother was willing to give me away,

I could never trust anyone. But I trusted him. The second thing I did was I told him the truth. I just told the truth. And everything I'd been through, how I felt, what I wanted to change, why I'd done, what I'd that, literally, once I opened this can, because I don't think anyone had ever listened when we spoke

about therapy before, everyone was pushing me in different directions. No one questioned if I had autism or ADHD or it was, you're adopted. That's why, you're different because of this. And he opened up kind of worms of me and once I started talking, I couldn't stop. And he suggested lots of things, but he also gave me the tools. I did go to A.A.A. I did go to online forums. I did throw my mobile phone down the drain so I can speak to drug dealers. I did give somebody all my money out my bank account. I threw my house keys out the window into a bush so I was locked in the house.

I did touch things like that. And then it was locked down as well. So we literally in England, like we were allowed out for 40 minutes a day. day to go for a walk and like they were checking that you want. So I was like literally locked in my house. So for me, which is different now, I do think in person is you get that connection, but I did a lot of online therapy and did a lot of online groups. I think you were the second sober account that I started following on Instagram. I just threw myself into it. I just knew, but then again, my addictive personality. If I'm going to do something,

I'm going to do it all. But the first steps for me were finding someone that I could trust, being truthful because you tell so many bullshit lies in addiction as well. And the third was facing the truth and just being really raw and saying, yeah, I'm here. I've got massive issues. My whole life is fucked right now. and I've just tried to unlive and everyone's watching me like a hawks

or best behave that's the other thing as well after you try to do something like that you've got no space because everyone thinks you're going to do it again so you're really like you're kind of putting on the mask again to be on your best behaviour

be the best off don't let anyone know if there's anything wrong with me but as soon as I met him it all changed and then from that day I've had very open and honest conversations with everyone and the worst cod about it all was everyone was like, oh yeah, we knew.

Oh, we knew. Oh, we knew. These conversations were never had. They were just never. Yeah. You almost wonder if everybody knew. Why didn't anybody say anything, right? Well, it would have been nice.

It's like the elephant in the room. I didn't let the elephant know they were in the room. It was just crazy. but then I look back that I was surrounded with and actually are they in the same situation that I was actually in? It's kind of like

trying to fish through also what's real the culture over here everyone does it. No one wants to accept the situation they're in. So it's a tough one. Yeah. Yeah for sure. And I think it is nice

and it's helpful to be supported. But you know, I think back to my story and just the hundreds I've heard on the podcast here. If we're not ready, it doesn't matter. I think that's just what it comes down to, right? So even though looking back, I think even in my story, it would have been nice. I mean, everybody kind of knew. People did say a lot of stuff for me, but for some people's stories, people don't. And even when you meet that therapist, right, you went to other therapists and you found somebody you could trust, but you know, I don't know. It could be completely off on this, but I think at some point, too, we hit that level of readiness to where we show up in a different way,

be able to open those doors of like, hey, you can trust somebody or, hey, now I'm willing to be honest. I think all of us have that one person in our story where it all kind of makes sense, but we really showed up at that time. Looking back at your entire journey here, many ups, many downs, many all arounds, if somebody was starting out on their questioning whether they should get sober, they should give up drinking or cocaine or whatever it is, like, what would you say to them? Oh, what would I say to them? Don't, the biggest person that you lie to is yourself. And like, just touching what we spoke about, even if those people knew. And at the time, if they pointed it out to me, I probably wouldn't have listened in all honesty. So it would have been

nice for somebody to point out. But it's looking at yourself. And it's not just comparing yourself to this was me for a very long time. What everyone else is doing it, and everyone, everyone, else is okay doing it. Look at yourself. I completely relate to sobriety to being a lone walls. Not saying that people aren't going to have friends and this or the other, but I've had to go, right, this is me. This is all the matters right now is finding this strength. I'm not going to do it for this. I'm not going to do it for that. I'm doing it because I need to do it. Look, be truthful to yourself. It's something that I wasn't for a long time. It takes enough of courage to have those sit down conversations with your mind. You know, you're in your head

100% of the time. You've got to make it a nice place to be. And that was it for me. That's why I really understood that in here was a horrible place and I didn't want to be here. So look at yourself, look at your situation. Don't look around. Don't compare. How do you feel? What do you want? is your life controlled by alcohol? Not every alcoholic gets up and drinks a bottle of vodka every day, but it's this routine habit. Why are you doing it? Some people say that they drink normally

and I just have two glasses of wine on a Saturday. Well, why do you need the two glasses of wine on a Saturday? If you don't need it at all, just think about the life and what you feel and be really truthful with those feelings. I think it's a moment of clarity, pausing, connecting with yourself, understanding inner peace. Like, where is you're in a peace?

I didn't even know it existed before I got sober. It's really be truthful to yourself. I mean, if there's people around you, great, but be prepared to do this shit on your own, man, and be proud of that fact. It takes a lot of courage. But you'll rip the rewards to stand there solely on your... And I say this to people in the answer world.

To crack sobriety is to be able to sit, like imagine you're in a day, up with no phone, no computer, no nothing, no one to speak to, no book, no sober Instagram, no sober, it. And just be a human being. Like, then you've cracked it. Then you have corrected you. Yeah, that being honest with ourselves, because not doing that can cost decades.

Because I think that's really how we have to get it. And I love that too about not looking around and saying this person's worse off or this person lost their job or I'm not doing that or I'm not. You really have to look within and be honest. honest with ourselves about what's the impact this is having on our life. And you just have to get there. And not that at that exact moment, everything's going to change, but at least you can get aware of where you want to go instead of just avoiding it decade after decade or one year after two years is to get a good awareness about the impact it's having on your life. How are things with

you and your daughter now? So now, I mean, like last week, she's had to know twice this year already. You know, and straight into a new year, we have a great life. We absolutely have a great life and we will have a great life. And life is changing massively for us. Her understanding of my sobriety as well, like I'm really, like, honest with her. She knows that I don't drink. She can't drink when she's older because of her conditions as well. And I think it just gives her moral support.

And we take day by day, a bit like sobriety one day at a time. Tomorrow we could end up in hospital for the next six months or hold out for the fear of that day will come. And I have to be ready for that. And I have to have this understanding for myself about life is so precious. Every second, every moment is so precious. And I breathe in. Instead of waking up hating on the world, I wake up every day. And I'm so grateful for another breath.

So grateful for another debt to look at her smile to do all the things. things to hold the hands. She goes to a mainstream school. We go on holiday. We do gym. We go to Brownies. We do all that we can in this moment. And you know what? That's all we can do. Today is today. Tomorrow is not given. And I have to live with them. And I know that my sobriety gives me that opportunity to understand that, to create less pain if it can be at all possible around the situation, but to be really blessed. Rather than a place of hate, which is where I was when I first found out about this prognosis, was just in an utter place of hate.

How dare this happen to my life. I feel blessed. I feel blessed with the bullshit we've had to go through and the bullshit we've got to come. Again, she's having open-holt surgery in about six weeks' time. It's going to be tough, I'm aware of this. But we have a beautiful life, and it's so why. every single second of hardship going forwards as well. Yeah, that's beautifully said.

It's incredible the switch that you, like you mentioned there, that you've been able to make in your perspective or however it is your outlook on things to go from that place. Because I personally couldn't imagine something like that, getting that feedback and that news. I mean, having children, for me anyway, it's been the most exciting thing to ever happen

and then getting the news that you got and how sobriety became such a pivotal moment of you seeing things different and being able to show up is so powerful. Hate can eat you alive. Hate and the inner torture of yourself. Life is tough for every single person that walks this planet is tough in some way. That is slightly tougher in a different way. But I have to look at the positives, and that's what sobriety has given.

me. If I'd have staying in the panther I was on and drinking my pain away, that's what I was doing, I was drinking my pain away because it's too painful. It is painful. There's no denying that. My life was going to be painful. But I want to live this life and if I'd have carried on, I do believe, oh, I just, I wouldn't be here if I hadn't have changed, that the power of life, it's the life that we were given and we roll with it. We indulge it. We indulge it. We indulge, us who've got this freight, we move. Whatever we're given, we move. And I'll make it move and continue moving.

Even when that day does come, I will make sure her legacy will carry on in a way to support other people like myself and her and families like ours and what they have to live with as well. Sorry. That's okay. That's beautiful. We move.

We move. We do. I'm moving. I love that. Wrapping up here, is there anything else that you want to share with us, Leanne? I mean, before we even get to that, I have to just say thank you for sharing your story. And it's not easy, right? It's not always easy, but it's important.

So I just want to say thank you on my end here for you sharing it with us all. No, thank you for having me in the outside space. I'm a true believer. If we share our stories, it encourage you to other people. to share theirs. It's a bit like this spasticus moment where I had a problem and someone goes, I did, but I didn't want to say anything and I'm glad you did because now I can stand up and the other day I wore one day a time T-shirt to my children's school and someone beeline for me with which one are you in? It's conversations in the school playground and I'm a big believer.

My Instagram account is just about my truths. I tell it very true. I tell it very authentically. rainbows every day, this sobriety, malarkey, but it does change. I now work with the prison service, rehabilitating people in situations that have got locked in the system, through drug use, drug misuse. I rehabilitate people that have got addictions from being inside prison. I coach human beings. I went and got a master's degree in psychology because no one could figure out my brain, So I went and worked out having to figure out my own. I'm tirelessly. I'm going to schools.

I've set up groups. I've got two online communities all about recovery. I give. I will sit down the floor with you and I will talk for hours if you need me to and you hold my hand. It's all about giving. I've also written, when I've written three books, it's amazing what you can do when you get sober.

You have all this time. You actually get shit done. It's amazing. I know. I mean, nobody's counting. But, yeah, I saw a post recently from you 1290 days. And yeah, that's incredible stuff. Tell us about these three books.

So the first bit we're just coming up, which I can tell you a little bit about. It's called from cocaine eggs. And it's about the transition from my cocaine use and my cocaine supplying to how I've become a mother and everything is changed. But it's a story. It's a memoir. It's a memoir. a memoir of my life, things that people will, it means people think they know it all about me

because I'm quite open, but yeah, I've felt back a few things that I'm not too proud of that you'll all get to hear soon enough. And the other book that I've written that I can tell you about is single mom syndrome, and it's about people in my situation. I get no, like, Darcy's not around at all. I get no financial help.

I can live with what I do. The state doesn't want to help me. So I have to work my absolute balls off like other parents out there do. So it's all about the trials and tribulations and a bit of a self-help book to people in my situations of where to look for help as well. I've also set up a challenge for my daughter called Doing It for Darth, which I'm going to be doing. You might know about this. The MIRF Challenge. It's a veteran challenge because I help veterans as well that are coming back from.

So doing loads of different things, 100-mile runs, the math, like probably going to try and jump out of a plane, lots of things. So in the three and a half, something like yes, life has changed and I'm never going to stop. But the one thing that is so important to me every day and I get up, I mean, I've been speaking about surprises since about 5 o'clock this morning, but I give it. To keep this to give to, I don't do it for rewards. I literally can spot someone that's in pain.

I literally can be long for anyone in a room. I spot people that in pain, it's like this gift that I have. And I'll help you. I'll help anyone in any situation, any of the time, like yourself. Love that.

Thank you so much. Well, huge congrats. And is there anything else you want to leave us with before we sign off? Just, as I said before, to look within, to see whether you are peaceful, to see a lot of people their addiction on, well, I'm not as bad as harm and I'm not as bad as him

and I still go to work. But just look around you as well. You've got brothers, sisters, friends, your next or neighbour, look at those who are struggling as well. Let's all come together. I think we've just become selfish as human beings and I think we all need to reach out more and be more caring and kindness is something that is free, man.

Like, give it out. Every opportunity you fucking can. Give love and free happiness to people. Give someone a hug. But look after yourselves. And really, the last thing I'll say before, completely, within it, is tell yourself the truth. Honestly, it might even save your life.

It will save your time, yes, decades, but it could potentially save your life as well. So just be true to yourself. Yeah, that's incredible. Thank you so much, Tham. You are so welcome. Thank you, Grant. Well, there it is, everyone. Leanne's story on the podcast. So powerful. I enjoyed it so much.

And I just love that between her and her daughter, We Move. I love that and that's really one of the things that stuck out to me so much with this episode. And other stuff did too, but I really enjoyed that. you know, living in that unknown and working through that every day. And I think she has an incredible outlook on it about being present, as present as humanly possible. Be sure to reach out to her on Instagram. Let her know if you enjoyed her. We're able to connect with any parts of the show or just to send her thank you.

I know it wouldn't mean the world to her. Thank you guys for a continued support. If you haven't left a review yet on Apple or Spotify, jump over there and do that. please jump over there and do that. Let other people know who are considering this podcast or one of the hundred other ones that maybe they should give it a shot and maybe they'll enjoy it and maybe they won't. But that's up to them.

Thank you all for a continued support. I'll drop her Instagram information in the show notes below. See you guys around. Be good.