Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Madeline never hit what most may call ”rock bottom”, but she still knew her relationship with alcohol was not helping her life.

Episode Date: June 5, 2023

Madeline grew up with a keen awareness of the dangers of alcohol, as her family had a history of alcoholism. Despite this knowledge, she had her first drink at the age of 17. However, it didn't take long for Madeline to experience overwhelming anxiety whenever she consumed alcohol. During a year-long trip to Australia, alcohol started to dominate Madeline's life. Recognizing the need for change upon her return to Canada, she knew she had to make significant adjustments. Although her drinking didn't lead to any severe consequences, she understood internally that it was a problem and that her life could be better without it. One evening, after a typical night of sharing wine with a friend, Madeline woke up with a firm conviction that things had to change. This moment marked the beginning of her journey towards sobriety. Tune in to this episode on the  Sober Motivation podcast to hear Madeline's inspiring story firsthand. She shares her experiences, challenges, and the transformative process of embracing a life without alcohol. Madeline's story is a testament to the power of self-awareness, determination, and the pursuit of a healthier and more fulfilling life. This is Madelines story on the sober motivation podcast. --------------- Follow Madeline on Instagram Follow Sober Motivation on Instagram Check out the SoberBuddy App More info about Sober Link Check out Palm Beach Recovery Centers

Welcome back to season two of the Subur Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. Madeline grew up with a keen awareness of the dangers of alcohol, as her family had a history of alcoholism. Despite this knowledge, she had her first drink at the age of 17. However, it didn't take long for Madeline to experience.

overwhelming anxiety whenever she consumed alcohol. During a year-long trip to Australia, alcohol started to dominate Madeline's life. Recognizing the need for change upon her return to Canada, she knew she had to make significant adjustments. Although her drinking didn't lead to any severe consequences, she understood internally that it was a problem in that her life could be better without it. One evening after a typical night of sharing wine with a friend, Madeline woke up with a firm conviction that things had to change.

This moment marked the beginning of her journey towards sobriety. Tune into this episode on the Sobermotivation podcast to hear Madeline's inspiring story firsthand. She shares her experience, challenges, transformative process of embracing a life without alcohol. Madeline's story is a testament to the power of self-awareness, determination, and the pursuit of a healthier, and more fulfilling life. This is Madeline's story on the Sober Motivation podcast. The Sober Buddy app. This community is one of the most supportive I've ever seen.

Starting with the meeting hosts who lead with support, kindness, and understanding, when someone falls, the community rallies to help support and encourage. People from all different countries who show up as strangers leave as friends. It is a true example of community and connection. What makes sober buddies special is a special is a person. everyone is working on the same mission to get another day sober so we can live our best lives and to provide a safe place so no one feels they have to do it alone. Check out the app today or head over to your sober buddy.com and come and join us for some of our

live support groups. It's hard to find the motivation to get sober when you're in the trenches of addiction. It's easy to say I'll stop tomorrow or I'll cut back tonight. What's harder is putting action behind those words. That's why I've teamed up with Soberlink. Soberlink's remote alcohol monitoring system was specifically designed to help in your recovery, not just some breathalyzer you buy at the store. Small enough to fit in your pocket and discreet enough to use in public, sober link devices combined facial recognition, tamper detection,

and real-time results so friends and family know instantly that you're sober and working towards your recovery goals. Visit soberlink.com slash recover to sign up and receive $50 off your device. Are you a loved one struggling with alcoholism or substance use disorder? Palm Beach Recovery Centers can help. Their inpatient medical detox and residential facility provides personalized treatment to help you get back on track. Their experienced staff is here to support you every step of the way.

For more information, visit their website, Palm Beach Recovery Centers.com. Hey, how's it going, everyone? Huge shout out to all of you, the listeners. We just crossed over 300,000 total downloads. Thank you. Now let's get to the show. Welcome back, everyone, to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got Madeline with us.

How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm great. I'm glad we could jump on here and record a show and share your story with everyone. Me too. Thanks for having me. Of course.

And it was nice to meet. We met there in person at Luke's sober event. That was so. Yes. so fun. Only like a few weeks ago. A couple weeks ago maybe. Yeah, that was so much fun. Yeah. So what was it like for you growing up? Yeah. You know what? I had a good childhood. So I come from, I have alcoholism all over my family. So my mom got sober at 21. She walked into AA at 21, never drank again. So she's coming up on 40 years sober. And when my parents got married, my parents were both sober.

My dad had gotten out of rehab maybe a couple years before they got married. And I have two older sisters when I was eight, my dad relapsed. And so my parents separated because of it. And then my dad was for a lot of our lives, like pretty absent because then he was back in his addiction and ended out of rehab and not around a whole lot. So it was really just like me and my sisters and my mom. and we were this like very tight-knit group. And it was like alcohol was a very big topic of conversation in our household.

My mom was really open about it. And so as much as that, yes, was a challenging thing with my dad. I had such an awesome mom that really compensated for it. So looking back, I feel like I had a good childhood. But it's interesting because my mom, not a rules person, not like hates rules, but her one rule was we weren't going to drink until we were allowed to drink. And me and my sisters, like, none of us went against that. Not a single one of us drank before our mom said you can have a drink

because we had such a healthy kind of respect for it because we watched. My parents' marriage fall apart because of it. So I definitely, when I first took my first drink at 17, it was, yeah, something that had really been talked about in my house a lot and really been drilled into us like you have. alcoholic genes and pay attention to how alcohol makes you feel and all of that. So, yeah. Wow, that's a lot to unpack there. So what your mom gave you the go ahead at 17 to try it out. I mean, everybody's going to, everyone's going to experiment probably anyway, most people, right?

So. So it's funny. What happened was like the kind of rule, because I'm the youngest. And my sisters and I are all very close in age. There's like less than three years between the three of us. So it was kind of like don't drink in high school. So when my two older sisters went away then to like university and college, they were allowed to drink. And then when I was in my last year of high school, my other sister who was only a year older than me had gone away. So I was visiting her. And my mom was kind of like, okay, you can you can have a drink. I squeaked through all my last year of high school being able to.

Yeah. And what was it like for you? I mean, were things downhill from the first one or what was the experience like? So it's so interesting because it wasn't it wasn't downhill from the first one. The first time I drank, I only had one, I think, because I was nervous. I felt nervous. I felt cautious about it. And then the next time I maybe had a couple and I experienced that feeling of feeling like

a buzz for the first time and was really like, oh, that's fun. I get it now. but the first time I ever got drunk, I woke up the next day, the next morning. And from the very first time I ever got drunk, I was filled with anxiety. I remember it so vividly, like lying in bed in the morning. And I almost could, I couldn't even get out of bed because I was just like, my heart was racing. I was so anxious.

And that stayed with me. And that was like ultimately what ended up giving me the push to get sober was the anxiety that alcohol always caused me. And I wasn't someone who struggled with anxiety before that. And it's really interesting because when I got sober, then I started reading up on it and learned that alcohol does cause anxiety. And I was like, oh, my God, that's not just a me thing. But I also really think that looking back now, because of kind of my upbringing and all the conversations we had around alcohol, I think I felt a very magnified sense of shame about getting that drunk because like I think I felt oh I did something wrong. It did something bad by having gotten

that drunk. But it didn't stop me. And then definitely shortly after that I went away to university and definitely became a big partier. I was always down to drink. I would black out and it was so like I think I did see the red flags but very much didn't want to acknowledge them. But it was also really normalized at that time. Binge drinking culture in university is really normal. So I don't think I really thought I had much of a problem until I got later into my kind of like mid to late 20s and then it got progressively a lot worse. But it wasn't in the beginning. I think I really was able to just be like, oh, I'm in school. I'm in my 20s. It's okay kind of thing. Yeah, no, and you hear that a lot, definitely see that.

I mean, I can relate to that too. It's always interesting, though, I think looking back, like the blacking out part of things, I'm hearing that story. Like, that was never really part of my story. I did a few times, but that's because I took Xanax. It wasn't necessarily just the alcohol, but blacking out. Like, that really scared me because I was operating on an autopilot. And what was that like for you to where, when you say blacking out, like this once a week

or other people doing it too? or other people blacking out too? Yeah. Talk about it. And when I say blacking out, I feel like that would be when like I would forget things. I don't know how many times I was in full. No, I definitely would black out fully sometimes.

But there would often just be like little holes in the night or things I didn't remember doing. And because I struggled so hard with anxiety after drinking, like blacking out, it was my worst nightmare in the morning. I would be so paranoid. convinced I did something bad, convinced I embarrassed myself. I always played out the worst case scenario every time if I couldn't remember things.

And even when I could remember things, I would convince myself, what if there are things I don't remember and I don't even realize that I don't remember them? That was also my thing. And when it got like that those feelings got progressively worse, when I got later into my drinking career, like it didn't even really matter how much I drank. I would still feel that way. the next day, even if I only had a few. Like, it just, like, that anxiety was always really present for me.

Yeah. What about if you took a few days off? Is that every part of your story, took a few days off? Did you still have that overwhelming anxiety? I think it's, because I'm trying to think when I was in university, I would drink weekends, and then there's always a night out. Mondays were dollar beers, and so we're Wednesdays. And Thursday's kind of a weekend in university.

So I went out a lot. But if it depends, there were some things that. that would stay with me for a long time. So one of the, towards the later, part of my drinking, which ended up being less than a year before I got sober, I blacked out at my work Christmas party. And that was my absolute worst nightmare. It was the worst morning the next day.

I was an absolute wreck inside all weekend. I was a wreck walking into work on Monday. And that one stayed with me. And that actually gave me the push to do dry January. because I never took a break. Really, in the 10 years, I really never took breaks. I didn't drink every day, but there were periods in my life where I would drink most days. And so that did give me the push to do dry January, and that one stayed with me.

There would be certain things. I wasn't someone who, when I drank, it wasn't usually a big dramatic thing. Nothing as much as it's ironic because of the anxiety I have. But typically, I was a pretty good nature drunk. I didn't get myself into trouble. I wasn't creating a scene. So it wasn't often, but on the times where I did really screw up drunk, then that would stay with me for a very long time.

And I really would struggle with shame about that. Yeah. I hear you on that. I mean, some people throw around the term like high functioning amount of things. You can still show up to work. You can still do fulfill your responsibilities and things are completely. I mean, I think personally, I think that that area there is a really tough place to even consider sobriety from. If things aren't that blaringly, it's not that bad,

then we'll convince ourselves. And maybe you did for a while, convince yourself, I'm not that bad. Look at me. I'm going to university and I'm hanging out and things are pretty good. I'm generally a nice person and things don't get out of hand. What was that sort of internal dialogue like for you? Because I know there's a lot of people that are right there right now. I had so much in our conflict about it. So I went, when I was 24, I moved to Australia for a year. And when I moved there, I had this intention of I'm going to go and travel and grow and have this cool life experience. And when I went, it just ended up being the whole year I ended up being about drinking when I went,

which was not my intention when I planned it. But I got there and I was like, I'm on a holiday for a year. It was a working holiday. I bartended and traveled around. but it became for me justification to just drink every day and party. And I had some of my worst moments there. And that year was the first time that I really started taking a look at my drinking because my mental health was suffering so much.

And at one point halfway through the year was like, I'm going to take this month off of drinking. I woke up and I was just feeling so terrible about how much I'd been drinking, decided I was going to take the month off and then I drank that day. And then it wasn't until kind of later in the year. I remember having a phone conversation with my mom at one point because it was taking up a decent amount of brain space for me like, this isn't good. When I get home, I need to get a handle on this.

And I remember talking to my mom on the phone at one point during that year towards the end. And she had said she had gone to a wedding and there was someone sitting with her at the table who it seems to her. have a drinking problem and was asking her questions about it and saying, do you think I have a drinking problem? And my mom, in telling me this story on the phone, said, I mean, come on, you don't ask yourself if you have a problem, if you don't have a problem. And when she said that, I was kind of like, oh, shoot, that was a real kind of moment of truth for me. And when I got home, I was like,

I'm going to get my drinking under control. And I did to some extent, because then I went back into my routine back home in Toronto and like my career, I was just there bartending, taking a year off of my career. And so I did scale it back, but not as much as I hoped, not as much as I planned to. And then it really was like it was something that it is really hard when you don't feel like you fit necessarily this definition of an alcoholic. Like I didn't drink every single day, I didn't always black out. I had no consequences whatsoever. No one from the outside thought I had a problem looking at it. Like, it was mainly all of my own stuff. I mean, like anyone watching me in Australia would have thought I had a problem, but like in my normal life,

people didn't really think anything of it for the most part. So it is really hard. And that's why I really think that the question isn't about whether or not you have a problem or whether or not you're an alcoholic. It's how is drinking impacting you? How is it making you feel? And I think if you're asking yourself those questions already, then you already know the answer. But it was really, really, really hard and really, really scary to come to terms with it because there were a lot of ways that I could convince myself that my drinking was really okay. And it was ultimately really the anxiety the next day that finally gave me the push to do it. I just woke up one day and was like, I cannot stand this feeling anymore.

It can't keep feeling this way. And at that point, then I started having really open conversations with my mom. But even with that, like we're so close. And I never really opened up to her about how alcohol was affecting me because it felt terrifying

because she didn't really know that I was struggling as much as I was. And it felt like once I say this out loud, there's no turning back. I can't keep pretending that I'm okay. So yeah, it was definitely sort of this like inner conflict, probably for at least two years of knowing I needed to do something, knowing it was problematic for me, knowing it was making me suffer before I was ready to work up

the courage to do something about it. Yeah, wow. I was wondering too where your mom would fit back into this situation with her history, obviously. So you're down in Australia, 24 years old. I mean, I feel like even being in a situation like that, you're probably in the bartending. you're probably in a tourist place. And I mean, everybody, you worked in bars and restaurants. I mean, everybody was having their fun.

And I think we ever looked at each other like, hey, this is, it was a, you know, me early on, I thought this would just be a season, right? I would just be in this season. And then I was going to move on and do something else in my life with, and things were just going to miraculously come together. It didn't play out that. What I liked about what you said right there is your intention was to do all this stuff. you were struggling and not able to stick with what you had committed to, right?

If you woke up that morning, you decided today, I'm just not, I'm taking today off. And then you weren't able to do that. I think that's an addiction in a nutshell, right, is when we say, I'm not doing it today. And somebody probably, I'm just guessing, it's never been me. But with addictions, I've always been on this side of things. But somebody without it, they would just say, yeah, I'm just not drinking today. or they might not even have to say I'm not drinking or even, it would just be like,

it would just be known, right? It would just be part of their day where they're not. Oh, I'm good. Yeah, for sure. I'm doing other stuff. Like I never experienced that. But I think about it when it comes to other things, right? Like other addictions.

And I bring this one up quite a big gambling. It's a big thing. It's serious consequences. And there's a lot of people who struggle with it. But personally, I've never thought to my, I'll buy four or five. lotto tickets and I'll take my grandma to the casino four times, five times a year, lose a hundred bucks. And I go on about my business and I never think about it again. And I've never

questioned whether or not I've got a problem with gambling, which is a very thing. So I think you're really hit the nail on the head with if you're thinking about it and you were thinking about it for like those two years of something's got to change here, that there probably is something there or people. For sure. For sure. And I think that's what's hard, too, about the narrative that the only reason to get sober is if you have a problem or if you're an alcoholic. Because I think that that sort of black and white thinking prevents people from making a change sometimes because they're like, well, I don't fit all the boxes.

So that means I'm not an alcoholic. So that means I don't have to stop drinking. And it's really just, if it's affecting you and it's bringing you down, it's having more cons in your life, adding more negatives than positives. at this point, then that's valid and that's enough of a reason. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I'm seeing more and more people come into sobriety, recovery, alcohol free, wherever we want to dress it up. I'm seeing a lot more people that the science is catching up, I feel, to where we're seeing the effects, right? It's like cigarettes. I mean, you used to see that my grandmothers and stuff, they tell me like the doctor would smoke a cigarette while delivering

the baby and the doctors ran all the commercials. And now it's, right, and even go like on a patio, or within 10 meters of an entrance to a mall or building of any sort smoking a cigarette. So they've obviously caught up with the impact. And I think that alcohol is moving in that direction that we're getting more and more stuff. And even here in Canada, they put out a recommendation for, I think it was two drinks per week. Two drinks per week. And I saw another thing to where they were saying seven drinks per week. And that could be one every day or that could be four and three.

However, you draw it up, seven per week. And you're damaging your brain. I don't have all the facts for it. But it was a video I saw. And I'm like, I want to comment so bad. What does 50 do? Because that's where for a lot of people, like seven, for some people, that might be a night. So it's all coming to light.

So I think that's incredible to put it out. You don't have to lose it all to make it to feel. to feel better. For sure. So thank you for bringing that up. Yeah. And I think that the science of it all is so important because when I got sober, I didn't know any of that until I started reading Quitlet and reading up on it and seeking that information out. And when I read about how alcohol really affects our bodies, how it affects our brains, I was mind blown.

And that actually really, and I'm like not a sciencey person, but reading it, really helped me in my early days to stay sober. And I think the smoking example you gave, it's really interesting because I was born in the 90s. I remember in health class in school, health class was them drilling into us how bad smoking is for you, smoking kills like this and that. And I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. And it makes me think if this information about alcohol is as, you know, out there as it is about cigarettes, what different decisions will people make. So it's really cool that it's being talked about more. And I think just the whole conversation about drinking is changing so much.

I've been sober for a little over two and a half years. And even from when I first got sober to now, I noticed such a different response in people when I tell them that I don't drink. Even in that short of a time, it's really been changing. I feel like for the past kind of few years, I think especially the pandemic made people look at their drinking. That was what made me look at my. drinking. I got sober November 2020 because the pandemic kicked my drinking back into high gear.

I kind of reeled it back in a little bit after Australia. And then the pandemic happened. And I was like, well, nothing to do but drink every day. And that ultimately then led me to the place where I was really feeling the effects of it. And I had to. And then that was what made me quit. So I think that even kind of really changed things for a lot of people too. Yeah. That is so true. I've talked to a lot of people that around that time. Yeah. they're making changes because the isolation of the pandemic and stand at home and not all the distractions that we were so used to really fired things up boredom and so many other things. I was wondering too, though, because you had, you said you were asking yourself these questions about, do I have a

problem and is this a problem and all that sort of stuff? How do you move through those stages, right? because I think it's easy for us to just, those questions pop in and we're just like, nah, like, of course, look at, look at Sally and look at Joe. I mean, they're doing exactly what I'm doing. I can't, they can't possibly be. So how do you give those some attention early on or do you? I think it's like a seed that's planted and then it grows and then maybe that's when we shut it down.

I don't know. What do you think? Yeah, you know what? It's hard because I feel like on one hand, And I really think you're not ready until you're ready. I think I just had to have those couple years of back and forth and being unsure about it. I don't even know why I was ready that day. I, the day that I decided to get sober, I had had the most uneventful night of drinking ever.

I'd had my closest friend over. We drank wine in my backyard. I woke up in the morning to a text from her being like, thanks for such a great night, love you. And I felt so low. and that was what did it for me. So I think it's interesting to look at what eventually is the last draw for you. So I do think that sometimes you just have to get to the place where you're ready, whatever, whatever that is. But it's interesting.

I had in the months leading up before I got sober, I was listening to a podcast. And I hadn't discovered sober Instagram, sober podcast, anything, but a non-sober podcast I was listening to. I saw one of their episodes was called Sober Curious. And because I was at a point where I was definitely struggling with my drinking. It was like summer 2020. I was drinking heavily because of the pandemic. And so it piqued my interest. So I listened to the episode.

And it was Millie Gooch, who's the founder of the Sober Girl Society. And she talked about it all in a way that I've never heard anyone talk about it. The host asked her, are you an alcoholic? And that was when she said, well, I think it's actually a lot. more of, it exists on more of a spectrum. I'd never heard it said like that before. But the one thing that she said that just hit me so hard was she said, if you had a small fire in your kitchen, you wouldn't wait until your whole house was in flames before you put it out. You'd just put it out. And that stuck with me. And that's, I think, what I would say to anyone going back and forth.

Do I have a problem? No, I'm fine. If you're asking yourself that question, then at the very least, you probably have a small fire in your kitchen. And you can get ahead of it and put it. put it out now and live a much better life because of it, or you can wait until your whole house is in flames, but you don't have to wait for that point to make a change. Yeah. Wow, that's powerful. I love that. I love that in that that was able to hit for you. Yeah, it hit me so hard. Yeah, that that was able to click. And I think that a lot of that was probably from the seeds planted and probably from the trial and error maybe in a sense over the time trying this, trying that and maybe things not working. The wildest thing though with addiction is that

that whole house could be on fire and we'll stand outside. And you're still not acknowledging it. Yeah, this is for me. I mean, my whole house was on fire and I was standing in the backyard. Just watching it burn thinking, oh, that must be the neighbor's house. Yeah, like you get. Right. It was that spot where I was just, I don't even know if it was denial because I definitely knew I had a problem, but I wasn't willing to, I had no idea how to get out of it. I didn't want to drink or do any drugs are part of my story too. And there was every morning I'd wake up and I didn't want to do it anymore. I was like, this is the last thing I want to do. And then before I knew it, I'd be on autopilot going over to Food Lion. I'd lived in the U.S. at the time. And I'd get a 24

Keystone light and I would buy the Marlboro menthols. At the time, they were new, right? You're smoking again. I would buy the Marlboro menthols and they were buy one, get one. And it was like a jack. pot because you could get two packs of cigarettes and a 24 beer for like under 20 bucks. This use that analogy, my entire house would be on fire. And it was just like, I just couldn't stop. It was wild. It's like even if you're not necessarily in denial and even if you can see it and you know what you have to do, it's a terrifying thing to do.

It's so scary. So it's completely understandable. Yeah. No, that's the truth. But to the point you said there, I think it's incredible that people now are getting ahead of this. Because when I first started this, I'm sure there were people out there who got ahead of it and were like, yeah, enough's enough. And I'm done with it. And they did that. And not everybody shared it on Instagram and social media and stuff back then, right? Things were a little bit. Yeah, you're one of the first. You're one of the OGs, right?

You could say that. Yeah, not everybody was doing that. So it was like you didn't hear those stories. You never really heard the story. And I don't think people, even if they had that story, I don't know that they had a way to connect the dots to say, this was my story. It was either like, you're a heavy drinker, you're an alcoholic, you're this, you're that, or you're maybe nothing. I never heard those conversations.

Every rehab I went to, every fellowship group I went to, every therapy I went to, it was like that was the conversation. So now I think there's, There's a way to identify in a sense, right, where people can be like, I just got off the train before the thing blew up. Exactly. I think it's incredible, though. I really do.

Because this is where it heads, right? When you first started, too, when I first started, we were having a blast. I mean, we were just kicking it. We were chasing girls. We were partying. I mean, we were in college. Life was decent. We were just flipping burgers at this restaurant and things were good until it wasn't good.

And then I didn't know how to stop. But it was fun for a bit. I don't know. You mentioned you had that horrible anxiety. So that probably was really terrible. I didn't start to experience that until a little bit in, right, to where. Yeah. At that point, I had no idea what was going on.

I mean, it was just more. The solution was more booze. Right. I think for me, I don't think drinking ever stopped being fun for me, the drinking part. but what happened was that the consequences started to so heavily outweigh anything I was getting from alcohol anymore. So it wasn't even that I was like would drink and then be miserable while I was drunk. I loved to drink and that was why it was such a hard decision to make. And I knew that it wasn't good that I loved to drink that much.

I was like, I don't feel good about the fact that this is what I look forward to in the day. But it just really got to the point where like it was getting less fun. the consequences were getting so much worse that I was like this, I cannot keep going on this way. Yeah, which is incredible. What, walk us through that day, though. So you said your friend was over, you guys had a pretty normal good night. And I mean, what inspires you the next day to not drink anymore? It's so funny.

So after I listened to that podcast episode, I went and followed her on Instagram. And then from that kind of stumbled onto the sober community. on Instagram. So I was lurking it a little bit. And then I would be hung over and be like in a shame spiral and go look at sober Instagram. And I just remember I was at a point too where I was for the most part only seeing my sisters at that point because I lived alone. And so you've just had your little circle of people you could see. So I would only see them. And I remember sometimes I would be only with my sisters and they knew how bad my anxiety was the next day. So sometimes I would only have a few drinks with them. And then I'd be a wreck the next day. And they would be like,

Maddie, you were just with us. I'm telling you, you didn't do anything. You have no reason to feel this way, but I still just couldn't shake it. And I do remember my sister at one point making a comment to me, like, you need to get a handle of this because you can't keep making yourself suffer this way. And so it was definitely something that was just more and more on my radar. And I was looking at accounts more. But then I don't know why it was that day. I think it's so funny. because there were so many days where I did do embarrassing things or like I did make a mistake and I did, you know, whatever and was stressed about it. But genuinely, we sat in my backyard drinking wine. I got too drunk for sure, but woke up the next day, like lights on on the couch,

TV on had just like drunkenly passed out. But yeah, she had texted me like that was such a great night. I had no reason to feel as anxious as I did, but I did. And for some reason, I don't know why. I just had this moment of I can't keep feeling this way anymore. And my mom has an interesting insight about that because she pointed out to me like if you get drunk and then you do something and then you're stressed about it the next day, you can blame how low you feel on what happened. Whereas when nothing went wrong and you still feel low, like there's nothing you can blame it on except for the alcohol. So I think for some reason and thank God, thank God that was it. I don't know why that was it, but it just was. And so from there, I remember just like reading so many sober Instagram accounts that day.

I had a conversation with my sister that day saying I'm going to stop. I didn't stop that day, but I gave myself an end date that day. My sisters, I know everyone says you shouldn't do it this way, but my sister's 30th birthday was coming up. And I, in my head was like, I'm going to do my sister's 30th birthday. And after that, I'll be done. And after that was my first day one. And then it took me like three, four tries within a month and a half span before it stuck.

Yeah. Wow. Great job. Thanks. Who told you not to do it that way? No, I just feel like people say, the best data starts today, there's always another thing that you can be like, oh, but I have this coming up, but I have this coming up. So, but I did. I was like, I'm just going to do her birthday. We went to, oh, you know, Niagara on the lake. We were doing wineries, like a bike tour around the wineries. And I was literally thinking to myself, like, this is my farewell tour to wine right now. Goodbye, wine.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's inspiring though. I mean, it's inspiring to hear. And I know there was definitely effects. And I talked with another guest, too, on the show, just about, you know, maybe the confusion between consequences because the external stuff is heavy. But there's also that internal stuff that I think was more maybe what you're experiencing, that turmoil, that constant battle, that constant, the shame spiral you mentioned about stuff. Like that can really weigh on you when you're crippling for me. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, it was really crippling. And I always just had this sense of, I remember feeling sometimes, oh, at any moment, at any moment in my life, I could find out something embarrassing I did that I didn't know that I did. Even if the next day, even if everyone assured me, you were fine. I just, I could never shake it. That was always just lingering. I always had this little bit of underlying kind of shame and anxiety.

Because I was never, I didn't really take breaks except for one dry jam. January at the start of 2020. So I was never that far away from the last time I had just gotten drunk, like maybe a few days. I don't think I ever really took like a full week off. I was mostly like a weekend drinker. But then if I was doing something on a weeknight, I would drink then too. And then as I got my last year, definitely a lot more just like works over, pour a wine. But yeah, and it's wild to look back on now because that felt so worth it to me. All of those feelings the next day, it's so obvious to look back on and be like, Like, if I just didn't drink, I wouldn't have felt those.

But to me, it was really worth it. I could not imagine life without drinking. I could not imagine how life was ever going to be fun and what I would look forward to. It just, I couldn't wrap my head around it. So, yeah, it really did feel worth it for a long time until I realized that it wasn't. Yeah, wow. I just heard a country song I thought recently about that, like sacrificing tomorrow's joy or something like that for. You're drinking, right?

Because that's kind of what we're doing. And I'm glad you brought up the fun part because this is a very scary thing for people too, right? My fun is going to be gone. I'm not going to have fun. I'm going to have to meet new people and I'm going to have to do different activities and stuff. What's been your experience with that, though? And what did you think at first? Was that what you were thinking?

Yes. And I love talking about this because so when I did that dry January, I actually, came out of that, thinking to myself, that proves I cannot be sober. Because I found it really hard. I felt like I had nothing to look forward to on the weekends. I counted down that month so I could drink again. So to me, came out of it feeling very discouraged. And I really felt like, yeah, life's not going to be fun without alcohol.

And oh, my God, the opposite has been so true. And I feel like my life now is so much more fun. I do more things because when I was strange, My whole entire definition of fun was just drinking. So I would just like go out to bars. I would just even in Australia. I was in Australia for a year. And I wasted it away at the bars that I worked out. I would just get off shift and then hang out there drinking all day. And I'm like, oh my God, all the cool things I could have done and seen. Not to say I didn't also do some exploring, but I'm like, oh, to do that over. But I go to concerts all the time. Sober concerts are,

I'm obsessed with going to concerts. I love going. on road trips. I still go out and I have, I go out for dinner and mocktails. I love traveling so much more sober, which I could not fathom as well. I feel like my life now, I feel like I started fully, really living when I got sober. And it's not to say I didn't do things or have fun in my drinking days because I did, but I relied on alcohol to feel like I was having fun. And I relied on alcohol for a high. And then to just be able to now find those feelings that like natural hot, like being at a concert or doing something really fun is the best feeling. But it was a real adjustment period to get to that point. Hence why I think that first month was so discouraging. I just wasn't used to it yet.

But I feel like I really rediscovered just my sense of joy and fun from just living life again. Yeah, I love that. And I saw it was it the Taylor Swift show you were just that? I was just that Taylor Swift's on the weekend. Night of my life. It was good? I'm a really big Swifty. And I was joking. I saw actually I got to meet up with a sober friend for his one year the next day.

I was in New York. And he's in New York City. And it just so happened I was there for his one year. And I was laughing to him saying before she came out, because I'm like, shameless, like big Swifty, big fan girl. I was screaming, crying, shaking on the most intense. And I'm like, if you could bottle that feeling and that came from being stunkled sober. It just like hot.

It sounds so cheesy, but just the high on life is just, it's just better. And obviously it's life and you're going to have bad days and you're going to have challenges. And it's really hard in the beginning to get used to. But it's really, really worth it. Yeah. No, I'm with you 110% on that. What advice would you give for somebody like first month, the first, their second month where it's like tough and you're really. struggling to find the silver lining here and maybe your third month or somebody where we

know the solution is you just got to stick with it. Some things just time. But when you're in the thick of it, that's the last thing you sometimes want to hear. I don't know if we're able to really trust the process so early on. And what would you say it was helpful for you? Just to get another day type thing to keep it going. So you could experience that fun and that. that joy. Yeah. I would say two things. Number one, the thing that really, really helped me get through my early days was really accepting that I was going to have to sit in some discomfort. And I remember, because I said it took me a few tries. And I got, I remember I got two, three weeks and then felt good and then really wanted to drink again. So I drank again.

And then felt awful. And then got two, three weeks feeling good, and then really, really want to drink and drink again. And I remember after I did that a couple of times, I was really had this moment of if I'm going to just give in every single time I really want to drink, then I can do this forever. I can just stay in the same cycle forever. And if I'm going to stay sober, then I'm going to have to accept that I'm going to have to sit with that discomfort of wanting a drink and not having one. And I feel like when you're willing to lean into that discomfort, I think that really translates to other parts of life as well of being able to sit in sadness if you're having a hard day and trusting that it is always going to pass. And the more that you do that, the more you get to

see that it will always pass, the more you get to see that you can survive it. Your feelings aren't going to kill you. They're not going to last forever. That was a really key thing for me. And that would always be something that I would come back to is I can just sit with this feeling it will pass. I can survive it. And the other thing that I think is really helpful is to remember that how the early days of sobriety feel, that's not how sobriety feels. I remember someone said to me a few months ago, I don't know. I'm trying to do the sober thing and it's hard and I don't know if I can do this forever. And it's like you don't have to do this forever because this is this is the hard part. This is the early part. And that's going to pass. So the this that you're like,

you can't do it forever is isn't going to be forever. And if you can just hang in there, it will, again, it will get so much easier. And I always found that to be a really, really comforting thought. And there's so many resources out there now, too. There's so, like, I think back to when my mom got sober at 21 in the 80s, there was only AA as an option. And like, A.A. is awesome. It's helped so many people.

But if it doesn't resonate with you, there's so many different ways to find community now. You absolutely don't have to do it alone. And yeah, I think that it's like a good time to get sober right now as far as like with the world. Like the tides are really changing. But yeah, to just, it's going to get so much better. It's going to be so, so worth it. And you're going to look back and be so grateful to yourself later down the road. Yeah.

Wow, that's incredible. I love that part. I've never looked at it that way, but you don't have to do this forever because this part, like this two shall pass. This part. Yeah. This extreme struggle that. might be for you in the beginning will eventually, it'll eventually be a lot easier as you go along. Exactly.

Yeah. What has surprised you most about not drinking anymore? What has surprised me most? I think that I've become a much more brave person. I think that when I lived, I don't think I thought of it this way, but when I was drinking, my life was a lot. smaller. And I didn't even realize it at the time. And I think that getting sober has made me, I mean, it takes a lot of courage to get sober in the first place. And I think that doing that just proves to yourself that you can do other hard things. So I think I've just been like a lot more,

I think just how much it's really changed me in that way. Because I feel like I was always a person, like I have a lot of fears. I'm scared of flying. I was. a person who like would like not do things because I was scared of them, whereas now I'm a lot more willing to do things that scare me. So I think that's one. And I think also just like how the community aspect of it. I know everyone says community is so important, but I think really experiencing how awesome the community is and how much sobriety really connects you to people. Because I, that was something else was that like I used to, as we all kind of did, I relied on alcohol to bond with people. And I remember later in my drinking days, like only wanting to hang out with people if we were

having drinks together. Because otherwise it felt like a lot of work. It felt kind of draining. Like that was like the thing that I looked forward to. So that was a big adjustment. And for the first like good year and a half, I had no social battery. That was tough. And I think what surprised me is how much I'm actually able to connect with. people a lot more. It was just an adjustment period and especially the connection you have between other sober people is just like a really, really cool bond that I don't think I expected. Yeah, wow. That's cool. Yeah, I mean, good point there. I mean, I can relate to, you wanted to hang out with people who wanted a party. And if they didn't, it was like, yeah, like, I'll see if I can make

time for that, right? I've seen you, you had a trip to Costa Rica, right? Yeah. What's about that? Because you're hosting this trip and I think you have another trip coming up. You're talking about community. You're talking about connecting with people. I mean, this is all so important on this journey, right? What the heck?

What inspired you to start doing this trips and stuff? Tell me the story. Oh, my God. Well, it was like someone, I do them through a company called Jova Trip and someone had reached out to me asking if I would want to host a trip for the sober. community, which was a big yes from me. And it was like, oh my God, it was the best experience of my life. I had so much fun. We bonded so much. We all went in as strangers and we cried saying goodbye at the airport. It was just like I thought going in, oh my God, we're going to leave them. We're going to be

such good friends. But even I wasn't anticipating the bond that we would all have. And we still talk pretty much every day in our group chat. It was the coolest experience. And what I loved so much about it, speaking of courage, is that everyone who came was doing something that scared them. No one did it because they weren't scared. People were nervous and it was out of their comfort zone. And then they pushed themselves out of their comfort zone and did it anyways. And we were all facing kind of different fears together being there and doing the things that we were doing. And it was such an awesome experience. And I remember at one point, something that really sticks out to me, is at one point we were all having dinner together

and a waiter brought us over a tray of shots and there were 12 of us. And we were all like, no, no, no, no, we don't drink. And he was really confused and walked away. Okay. And then he came back with a tray of mocktail shots, which was very sweet of him. And as he was handing me mine,

I was like, thanks. This is so nice of you. And he said, I think it's really cool. This whole group doesn't drink. Because how often are you like 12 people? who are all like, no, we don't drink. And someone on my trip said, she said it was really, really cool to be a we and not a me. Because usually it's no, sorry, I don't drink. And you're the odd one now. But to have all of us there on a trip, not drinking together was really cool.

Because traveling for me used to be all about drinking. I would get there. I would want to have wine. Like that was like one track mind, what I was there to do. And to have that be so off the table where not only am I not drinking, but we're all not drinking together. So none of us are rushing through what we're doing because we want to go get to the bar after. We were all just there enjoying every moment and present for it. It was the coolest, coolest experience. I loved it. Wow. That's awesome. I love that too where, yeah, everybody was like together. It was like that unity piece, right? Where we're all together. That's so cool. And do you have another trip coming up? I do. I have another trip coming up to Spain. Hopefully for this September, there's a chance we might move it to summer 2024. So TBD on that. But if Spain goes through for September, then we'll probably plan another one for summer 2024.

Yeah. So exciting. I'm like when I did Costa Rica, I was nervous going into it because I'd never done it before. And now that I've done one, I'm just so excited for the others. It's a really, really cool kind of special. experience traveling with a group of sober people. Yeah, wow, that sounds incredible. What would you say if somebody was listening to this episode here and they were struggling to get or stay sober? What would you say to them? Yeah, I would say that I could not fathom how life was ever going to be good without drinking. And that was such a hangup that I had.

And I would just tell them, you don't know. how good it can be until you let yourself find out. And it's okay if it's hard. It's complete, it is hard. Like it just is and that's okay. But we can, we can do hard things. And it's so, so, so worth it. And I would just say, obviously, take it one day at a time and reach out to community, find a community that's the right fit for you. But there's so much life waiting on the other side of the decision to quit drinking. I just couldn't. I thought life as I knew it was over when I got sober. And I was right, but in a great way. Like life as I knew it was over, but like an even better life was waiting on

the other side of that. And you can get through the hard days and you're going to be really, really, really grateful that you did. Yeah, that's beautiful. Anything else as we wrap up here, the time went so fast, didn't it? Oh, yeah, look at that. It went so fast. Is there anything you want to leave? us with where can we find you at what do you got going on all that stuff share that with us yeah yeah you can follow me on instagram at happiest sober on instagram and you can listen to my podcast happiest sober podcast wherever you'll see your podcast and if you head to my instagram bio you can see what's happening with my next sober trip and the link will be there if you want to join yeah there you go yeah

everybody's doing a sober trip my friend megan's doing another trip. She had a Bali trip. Oh, yeah. You had a Punta Cana trip. And they're going all over. It's all fun. Yeah, they've messaged me. I've talked with them. Just with the three kids, right? I mean, if I tell my wife, I'm, hey, sweetheart,

I'm going to Costa Rica. You got to stay here with the crew. You're on your own. Yeah, I mean, I might get my head knocked off. So I just have to figure it out. I plan things out a little bit more, but I'd like to. I've talked with Luke and a couple other guys. You know, because that's the thing. I did see

that there was some, there was guys that your trip though. Yeah, yeah, it wasn't just women. It was, it's anyone. Yeah. Yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah, because I see a lot of people who do them. It's just women, women only, which is cool.

Everybody's obviously doing their own thing. That's cool. But yeah, I'm thinking like we need to maybe a guy's one or just for everybody too. Yeah. So that's cool. But in the meantime, yeah, yeah, no, it was. Until we get that run and check out, check out Spain. You guys want to go to Spain.

Yes. Cool. Thank you so much. I mean, this has just been incredible. I think it's such a powerful story to share about, you know, how you pulled yourself out. Maybe before or maybe the house was, the whole house was on fire. But I think it's incredible that you're able to like do that. And then stick with it because we're so easy sometimes to convince ourselves the further we get away from it.

That like, ah, you know what? Was it really that bad? Yeah. You probably had that creep up here and there. and I think a lot of us do. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I always say if it wasn't that bad, you never would have stopped.

Just shut down, shut down those thoughts. I always think I just have to trust the decision that I made while I was actually in it because you're going to look back with rose color glasses sometimes. So that's always been a helpful reminder for me. Yeah. Yeah, that's so true. That's even for me that it was a complete mess for so many different things, even sometimes not as much today as maybe five years ago,

but I would think, too, like, what is like worth is that worth that? I'm looking at my three mug shots, right? And I was actually like four times, I got three of it. And I'm like, was it that bad? And I'm like, my first thought is no. And then I'm like, dude, it was that bad. You don't need to test the waters again. But that's how things play out.

And I think it's important for us to, you know, some people will close the door on the past. And I'm not saying there's a right way or a wrong way. For me, I keep it slightly cracked because I always want to remember what it was like. And I keep that fresh. Not in a way to like beat myself up or get down on myself. But just if I get little squirrely, I'm like, dude, this is how you were living. And you can't go back to living like that.

Yeah. I'm with you on that. I think like you, it's not about beating myself up. But when I was in my early days, I made a list on my phone of all my most. embarrassing drunk moments, the things I've done that I regret, the worst mornings I've had. And it's not to, not to punish myself. But if I'm ever having a moment of was it that bad, I have that handy on my phone to pull up and be like, oh, yeah, don't want to go back to that.

So I think that's really, really helpful too. Yeah. Yeah, you see that. You're just like, yeah, no, not today. Yeah. Life's better now. Maybe tomorrow, but not today. I mean, that's why I used to do it at first too.

When I first got sober, it was so doggone hard. And it really got really hard. I would just say, dude, you can do your stuff tomorrow, just get through today. It's like everything else. Like things just, if you get a good night's rest and you drink lots of water, for whatever wild reason, you feel better the next day. And then that would be good. And then it would be a week until I was really struggling again.

And I'd be like, dude, just make it through today. You can get whatever you want to do tomorrow. The next day, I would feel a little bit better. Kind of worked, you know. Yeah. One day at a time is such a cliche, but that's because it works. We only have the day that we're in. That's the only day we ever have.

That's the only day we ever actually get through. Yeah, beautiful. Well, thank you again. And yeah, this has been amazing. Thanks so much for having me. What an incredible episode. So grateful for Madeline, aka happy as sober to jump on the podcast and share her story. I know there's going to be a lot of people that can relate to this.

I'm hearing more and more of these stories that don't involve quote-unquote rock bottoms. And I think it's incredible. I think it's really, really incredible that we're able to turn this thing around before it gets there. Because that's where it ends up for most people. But you can stop before it gets there. And I think that's an incredible message to share. Look, if you're enjoying the podcast, you want to support it. help pay for some of the editing costs and everything else that's out there to have a podcasting

show. I won't bore you with all the details. But head over to buy me a coffee.com slash sober motivation. That's where you can donate and everything that gets donated there goes back into the show. But thank you, everybody. Like I said, at the beginning, we just crossed over 300,000 downloads, which is incredible. Huge thank you to my friend, Sober Dave. for maybe being part of the inspiration for this whole thing coming to life.

And it's been a ton of fun so far. And you know what the wildest thing is? We're really just getting started. We're only about seven months into this. And it's already been so much fun to hear everybody's stories and connect and to feel and see the impact that it's having on others. Because if you can relate to somebody's story and they've been able to find a way out, my goodness.

that just lets us know that we can too. All right, everybody, have a good one. I'll see you on the next one.