Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Melissa struggled with binge drinking until she learned to trust the process of sobriety.

Episode Date: January 31, 2025

In this episode, we have Melissa, who opens up about her upbringing in Appleton, Wisconsin and how a great childhood led to struggles with alcohol. Despite not encountering drinking in her family, Melissa recounts her early experiences with alcohol, the toxic relationships, and the eventual descent into binge drinking and drug use. Melissa shares her turning point after a series of attempts at sobriety, including several 'dry Januarys,' in February of 2024, Melissa starts to reclaim her life. Her journey from the chaos of addiction to trusting the process. This is Melissa’s story on the Sober Motivation podcast. ------------ Join the Sober Motivation Community: https://sobermotivation.mn.co Melissa on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mam_i_am1/ 00:00 Introduction and Guest Welcome 00:16 Melissa's Childhood and Family Background 01:21 High School Experiences and Early Relationships 03:22 College Life and Introduction to Alcohol 10:34 Post-College Life and Moving to D.C. 17:36 Return to Wisconsin and Weight Loss Journey 20:17 Struggles with Alcohol and Social Drinking Culture 24:51 Reflecting on Drinking Habits and Health 27:41 Dry January and the Impact of COVID-19 31:52 Reflecting on the Party Lifestyle 33:08 Questioning Drinking Habits 34:14 The Hip Injury Incident 37:37 YOLO Summer and Escalation 39:48 Christmas Chaos and Realizations 46:12 Attempting Moderation 47:52 Embracing Sobriety 56:06 Trusting the Process

Welcome back to season four of the Sober Motivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sorority stories. We're here to show sorority as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode of the podcast, we have Melissa, who opens up about her upbringing in Appleton, Wisconsin, and how a great childhood led to struggles with alcohol. Despite not encountering drinking in her family, Melissa recounts her early experiences with alcohol, the toxic relationships in the eventual descent into binge drinking and drug use.

Malicia shares her turning point after a series of attempts at sobriety, including several dry January. In February, Melissa starts to reclaim her life. Her journey from the chaos of addiction to trusting the process. This is Melissa's story on the Suburmotivation podcast. How's it going, everyone? Brad here. Welcome back to another episode. Before we jump into it, I just want to drop a quick reminder about an incredible resource that I offer, which is the sober motivation community. Right now we have a 30-day trial that's going to be going away soon. So if you plug into joining us, you get an app and there's tons of

meetings, community connection. This is really a game changer for people that are wanting to make a difference and stay alcohol-free. This is it. Getting connected with other people, sharing your stories, sharing what you're going through, connecting in meetings, connecting in the app, building new relationships and learning from other people that are on the same path. It really makes all the difference. So many people I talk to all the time, they just do it on their own. And that might work. It's going to take maybe some stumbling, maybe not.

But you can really fast track the process by getting involved with the community. So huge invite to all of you that listen to the podcast would love to meet you. A ton of people that are fans of the podcast have joined the community. and it's just really great to be able to connect with everybody. So I'll drop the link to where you can access the 30-day free trial down in the show notes, or you can just send me a message on Instagram to add sober motivation. If you have any questions now, let's get to this episode. Welcome back to another episode of the sober motivation podcast.

Today we've got Melissa with us. How are you? Hey, I am so good, Brad. Happy to be here and share with you today. Yeah, so glad that we were able to connect and you'd be interested in coming on here. and sharing your story. So what was it like for you growing up? Okay, so my childhood was pretty nice and simple. I was born and raised in Appleton, Wisconsin, which is the best of both worlds. We have a little bit of city, you drive 20 minutes, and you're out in the country. And we have this, like,

crazy drinking culture here in Wisconsin, but when I was younger, I did not see any of that. In my family, if my parents drank, I never saw any of that. that. I know that my mom's mom, she did pass away in her 60s of pancreatic cancer, and from what I'm told, she was an alcoholic. And then my mom's dad also struggled with alcoholism, but he did end up getting sober. I've never really heard any of those stories. That's just what I know or what I remember. But yeah, growing up was, it was nice. I have two brothers. My parents were together, and my parents are still together. So nothing like too crazy or traumatic in my childhood. Yeah. Are your brothers older or? So I have a younger brother and an older brother. So I'm the middle. Oh,

okay. The middle. Hey, I'm finding out a lot in my life with my kids about the middle. But yeah. Yeah. What are some of your earliest memories like from growing up too? Because it's interesting. I mean, I share a lot of that same story with you too. Growing up, my parents, like they drank, but I never saw it or never saw them. I never really even noticed it or picked up on it until like later in high school. What are some early memories that you have of growing up? Things were pretty good. Yeah, things were good. I mean, I don't have anything that stands out as I didn't like that or I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting though, and I'm sure we'll uncover a few things maybe as we go here, but then it's like you hear two different sides, right?

because this is a pretty common story too. And then we go on later in life to struggle with that. But then it's always like from the outside, I feel like people are looking for this, sometimes this big explosive life growing up. Yeah. To be, oh, yeah, that's why we are where we are right now. What school like for you and everything?

Are you a sports addict or what? No, I had a boyfriend at high school, which I guess now that I look back on it, you didn't treat me very well, but I was like so wrapped up in that when I was in high school that I couldn't see what was going on. He was dealing with his own issues at home and his own issues with addiction, heart addiction. But he completely shut me off from that part of his life. So I didn't really know anything about that until after we had graduated high school.

And then seeing what the world is, I look back and I was like, oh, okay, he was really going through some stuff that I didn't know about. I wasn't really into like sports. I was really into having a boyfriend and that thing. And yeah, it was good though. Yeah. What were your plans for after high school? Where did you go? I went to a local like two year extension college. And this is probably like when so in high school, I didn't drink at all. I didn't get wrapped up in any of that stuff because like I said, it was like wrapped up in the boyfriend thing and like I would hang out with my friends and stuff. But I saw my brother, he drank in high school, my older brother. And I think I saw how that was like getting him into trouble.

And I was like, I don't really want to be like that. It scares me. I was like scared of my parents too, even though I don't think they were actually ever going to do anything about it. So I saw him going down that path. And I was like, I don't know if I really want to go that way. I don't know if I like need to go that way. I think you can have fun and do what you want to do and have friends without drinking. So that was the mindset that I had through high school.

And then, yeah, once I graduated college, it was, or graduated high school, it was just like, we're off to the races, basically. Like, then me and my high school boyfriend broke up. And so I started hanging out with my older brother more and his friends more. And that's where I got introduced to alcohol for the first time. And it's in true Melissa fashion. The first time I got drunk was just a complete shit show. My parents took me to a wedding of one of my dad's co-workers. And I was, I drank everything.

I drank mojitos and wine and mixed drinks. And halfway through the wedding, I was like sitting out on the verand outside and I just puked all over in front of everybody. And it's, I should have known then, right? Like what, we're going to just take it. It's always going to get taken to the next level. And that was like the first time. I should have been like, let's just not even go there with that.

So that was the first time, the summer after I graduated high school. And then I went, like I said, to a two-year college. So I still lived at home and then really started like hanging out with my brother, his friends, and then people in college. And like what we did in college or what we did at least around here was we just partied. Like we would drink on the weekends, go to parties. Like we were drinking in college probably more days than not. So it's thirsty Thursdays, whatever. dollar beer Friday and we're just going and going with this. And also in college is probably the first time that I was introduced to Adderalls as well. So I take an Adderall and then I drink so then you can stay up longer and getting introduced to that whole world too. So I spent two years

there and then I transferred two years to a University of Wisconsin, Plattville, which is three hours away from where I live. And I went, so I transferred there obviously two years in, so I would have been a junior at that time. And so I went there like by myself and I just moved into apartment by myself. I was dating then who my husband is now, but he stayed back here and then I just drove back every other weekend or whatever. But when I lived in Flatville, I'd be like going out to the bars by myself, putting myself in these compromising situations. I remember one night going out by myself and they would do this deal on Friday. It was like $10 all you could drink or something at one of the bars. And I am like pretty sure that I got roofied when I was by myself like doing that deal one

time. So it's scary, but it's not like enough. You're like, oh, I like dodged a bullet there. So we're going, let's just keep going. Yeah, interesting to me how you went from where you were in high school to not drinking, then all of a sudden now, things were really picking up. I mean, what was that all about? How does that happen? I don't know. I think it was because I just started hanging out with a different group of friends and then I tried

it. And then I was like, yeah, this is fun. Like, it was fun at the time. You're meeting people and you're going to different places. and you're like playing drinking games. And it was fun to go out and meet new people and be social. And that was just how we did it. Yeah.

But an interesting part there too is even the first time at the wedding there. I mean, what a place to get started. But how you even notice like that first time taking it too far? Yeah. And that's how it always was. I think like when people want to party, it's fun saying, out with Melissa because she's going to go to the next level. But if you want to chill, it's buckle up because we're not doing that. There was no, never like an off switch. It was like

I'm going and I'm going until I'm like too drunk to get home. And I don't, I could never not take it that far for some reason. Yeah, you ended that for some reason. I mean, do you have any insight now looking back about what that was about? I still don't know. Even when I went through a moderation period, even on the one time I might drink a month, it was just all the way to black out, even when I would try to moderate it. And it's, I mean, what they say, once you have that one drink, like, you don't have control over it anymore. And I think that's what it is.

Just don't even start with the one drink, because that's just how it escalates. And that's how it always was. It would be like, I would tell myself, like, okay, I'm just going to go. we're going out to dinner. I'm just going to have one or two drinks at dinner and then we're going to go home. And then I'll literally wake up the next day and be like, what happened last night? Even like downtown till 2 o'clock in the morning and then don't remember how you got home. And I started the night saying two drinks. And then you're like, dang it, it happened again. Yeah. So as you transfer to this new school, that's a new area for you, right, three years. So you're getting to know people,

going out by yourself. Are you working or anything at this time when you're Yeah, I worked at the university doing like call center stuff. We like called alumni for donations for the university. So it was very like low stress. Like I was only working a couple nights a week for a couple hours and didn't work on weekends or anything like that. Yeah. And how are we going on a job? Yeah.

And how were you doing in school? Initially the first two years I hated school. I was on academic probation. But I was just not interested in the stuff that we were learning because you have to go back. and do all of your general gen eds. And I wasn't interested in that stuff. But once I got to Platteville, I was going for criminal investigation or crime scene investigation.

And like that stuff really interests me. So I did really well with those classes, like criminal justice, forensics, all of those classes. So once I graduated, I got into what I wanted to do, it was good. I mean, granted, being there by myself, It's a lot of morning classes or that kind of thing. But I made it. I made it through it.

Yeah. Hey, that sounds pretty cool, though, for courses. It was cool. So then I graduated from there, and I actually got a job right after I graduated, and we moved to the Washington, D.C. area. So I say we, me, and my now husband, then boyfriend. And I worked on a government contract in a forensics lab, and we would process evidence from, like, Afghanistan, like, IEDs that were detonated, and we would process them for fingerprints. So we would get, like, all of this, like, cell phones and plastic and tape and stuff, and then we would, like, forensically process it for fingerprints.

So, yeah, it was really cool. But at this time, I was working like third shift in the lab. And like working third shift was just the worst thing for my health. And this is when I also started gaining a lot of weight to was when we moved to Virginia. Because working overnight, it's stressful. Like you're not sleeping properly. You're not eating properly. You're just like overloading on caffeine, sugar, food, all that stuff.

This year that we lived out there, it was an awesome experience. And I think we needed that experience to propel us. into the next chapter of our lives. We're like, okay, we do, we did that, and we do want to live by our family in Appleton. It's a little bit like slower pace in the Midwest that it is out in the D.C. area. But when we lived in D.C., again, this was just like every time we're like just exploring the nightlife and the party life. We would go into the city.

So it was like a trek to get into the city. You'd have to drive to the metro station, get on the city. the metro, take an hour metro into the city, and then in DC is like nightclub. So you'd wait outside, and then you'd have to pay to get into the club and stuff. And this is like really when I started this like progression of losing my stuff all the time. So I would lose my ID and then we'd be stranded because we can't go into any more bars. And I don't have my ID. And now I can't get into the bar to get my ID. And then I will lose my phone at a bar and then forget. about it and then we'd have to come like all the way back into the city like the next weekend

when the club was open to get my phone so it was just like it was fun but it was exhausting too so this stuff is just like escalating like now i'm losing all my stuff i gotta spend all this time to try to like figure out where my stuff is in the morning and i'm probably minimum 50 minutes from the city too so that's like a whole thing trying to get into the city with traffic So I'm just piling on problems for myself. The drinking is taking up a lot of time. So was that a little bit of a different scene for you from Appleton, nightclubs and all that stuff? Yeah, it was.

Yeah, and it was awesome. I mean, it's like cool to experience that stuff if you ever have the opportunity. But it was just like not sustainable. The expense, like I said, the travel to get out there, the expense. And just like the compromising situations, again, that you. you put yourself in. We have to take the metro in the middle of the night, like, back to where we started. And, like, the metro, sometimes in the DC area is not, like, super safe at night. There's a lot of homeless people living down in there and stuff like that. I mean, that's just how it is.

It's like putting yourself in another compromising situation. You're just a different city, different place, different town. So going through all of this, though, did you ever wonder? Because you must have observed other people around you about maybe how they were drinking or stuff and be like, ever thinking to yourself, like, why am I ramping this thing up every time? You ever think that or no? I mean, I think I did, but I just, I thought that it was fun, I guess. I don't, I didn't think about it at the time, but looking back on it, I think, yeah, I was always, like, escalating it more than everybody for whatever reason. Yeah. And I thought it was fun, but people around me were honestly probably terrified.

They're worried. Yeah, they were worried for you. They were tired of going back to D.C. to get all this stuff. Yeah, get my stuff. Yeah, exactly. Did anyone mention anything to you or no? No.

No, not really. What about the hangovers and stuff? I mean, are those hitting you hard yet? I mean, the worst. I had got the worst hangovers like from the get-go, which I think should have also been a sign. Like, why are you doing this to yourself all the time? And I would ask people around me, like, I mean, like, so sick.

Can somebody take me to the ER? I think I'm dying. Just head, stomach, everything, sore. And other people were not feeling that extreme every single time, too. But it makes sense now, though, because people were probably not escalating it as far as I was every time, too. It'll be like, yeah. And I'll ask my husband, he'll tell me a story about the night. before or something, I'll be like, how do you always remember everything? Do you never get so drunk

that you don't remember anything? And he's, no, pretty much never. Yeah. So is that, never added up to me, it added up for me. I'm like, how do you do that, though? How do you, what, just? How do you drink and then just remember everything or not have to go so far? that never it still doesn't make sense to me why yeah i can't just chill out yeah i don't know i it's it's interesting though because it's something that like a lot of people talk about too is it's like even from the beginning a lot of people identify that things were different in one way or another maybe people around us and stuff like that so where do you go from here so you're in D.C.

You mentioned you were there for a year? So we spent a year there. Yeah. The contract that I was on was supposed to last for five years, but we finished the work early. So we were all like completely shocked by this. After one year, they're like laying us all off. So we had a decision to make.

Do we want to stay here and I can try to find something else? Maybe in the contract, government contracting field or something like that or do we want to go back? And at the time, my husband was just like working. in retail, like really struggling to make ends meet because it's like these are our first full-time jobs and we're like getting dumped into a really expensive city, like really expensive rent. And we're like barely hanging in there as far as like finances are concerned too. So we're like,

let's just go back home and regroup. And also at this time I was like the heaviest that I ever was too. So it's like drinking's escalating finances are not good. We need to just go home and regroup. So we move back to us. And this was like 2014. And this is when I started my weight loss journey too. I was like, I really want to get this weight off. So I started that whole journey. And that whole journey like prompted me to take a six month break from drinking. So this wasn't like, I should probably take a break from this. This was like, I want to get to my goal weight faster. So what can I do to get there? I'm like checked in with the food. I started like exercising pretty hard running for the first

time ever in my life. I've never done any of this stuff. And I was like, I think if I stopped drinking, that's just going to get me there a little bit faster. I didn't have a time frame or anything. And I had just moved back. So nobody was really like looking to go out or anything. We hadn't like really reestablished friendships or anything like that. So this was like a good time to just focus on what I wanted to do. And then I got settled in here. I worked a couple jobs, wasn't really like into what I was doing. And in the meantime, I was, applying for jobs, like with the police departments and with the crime lab and stuff like that. And in Wisconsin, you couldn't do civilian forensics work yet for the police departments in

Wisconsin at this time. So you had to be like a sworn police officer and then work your way through that. And it was just not really something that I wanted to do. Like I went through a couple of the processes and I just thought, I don't know. I mean, I don't really want to be like pulling people over. And like, I didn't want to go through that part of the career to get where I wanted to go. That was, like, still looking for a job on the backburn or looking for something to just make some money. So then I started working at Planet Fitness part-time because I was on this health and fitness journey. This would be like a great transition for me to just get some get going part-time on something and get some money going. And then I started meeting my coworkers there and then these people drink.

and I was like, all right, yeah, let's go out. And then the first, this is like the wedding thing. The first time that I went back to drinking again after that break was like the worst thing ever. Puked everywhere, worst hangover ever. And again, that should have been a sign of like, why are you doing this? And why do you have to go back so dang hard too after such a long break? At this time, though, like drinking was not even like really. my head. I was like, it's just what we do here. Like, we live in Wisconsin. We're going out.

Like, that's how we meet people and that's, like, how we do stuff. So it was, like, picking up a little bit. It would be like, okay, I'd go like one week, like one weekend a month. And then it very quickly picked back up to every single weekend again. And then that from there until maybe my first dry January. I don't remember a weekend that I didn't drink for, that was 2014 for seven years of every single weekend. That was just the thing to do on the weekend. Did you drink at home at all or just drink when you went out? No, I just drank when I went out. So I never drank by myself and I would never, I never like to sit around and drink either. It would be like, If I'm drinking, we're going to a party. We're going downtown. We're going somewhere where there's

people. So I don't know. I never, yeah, I never really sat at home and drank by myself or hit it or anything like that. It was just like to party, basically. And I've had a couple people on from Wisconsin, and I know a few people. And they all share in line with that story, right? Drinking is just a big thing, right, to do in the culture there. So my guess is here too, as you're going through this, you're going out, you're partying for seven years, I think you said there. Yeah. Like for every weekend. Like 2014 to maybe 2020 was the next time. I took a little break. So six years. Yeah. Yeah. So six years. And you get wrapped up in that. And I think what you just describes that pattern of drinking is just so acceptable, right? You wear a card all week, go out on the weekend,

and just drink. So it's obviously nobody's going to say anything. That's what a lot of people are doing and it's just a thing that's that's okay to do and that stretch of life is to go out on the weekends how did you feel about it though i mean you're working you're working during the week and then on the weekend it's now i'm drinking all night maybe a couple hours of a good time but then saturday probably not feeling good sunday morning i'm just out of it completely like it would be like whole day shot like i need the whole day to recover okay if not as i got older like multiple days but i didn't think about it i was like this is oh that was so fun last night. So like that like when I was still young, it didn't phase me or even I didn't even

have the idea of not doing that never literally never crossed my mind. I was like, this is just what you deal with the next day. Yeah, which is so, which yeah, that's another layer to it now is, that's just what everybody's doing. It just just just go with the flow. And that's like kind of what I told myself for 10 years. And then I was like, do I have to be doing what everybody's doing though if it's not like serving you anymore and that was the turning point that I was like maybe I don't have to do this but so yeah we go through this whole time so I was working at planet and then I bounced around jobs a little bit then I worked in retail for a good bit of time and I mean working in retail is awful this was probably like the most awful three years of my life

just complete torture you're working on weekend holidays are horrible. And now I don't have off on weekends. So then it's the day that I have off, even if it's a weekday. I'm going and getting drunk on the day off. It's Tuesday. I'm doing my stuff. And then I'm like, I want to get drunk because it's weekend day to me.

Like, this is the only day that I have off. So if me and one of my coworkers head off on the same day, we would do this like meatball day where we would go downtown during, and like, like day drink and then bop around all day like in the summer. And yeah, I remember one time me and her went downtown on one of those like weekdays. And I do I we rode our bikes, I think. And then my bike broke. And then she had to carry both of our bikes back home. And then she like delivered me back to my husband. And he's like, what the hell? And I was like fell down. So like my arms probably scraped up. And I was like, that was so fun. But really it was just like,

torturing yourself all the time, like falling down, getting hurt, having hangovers, like having anxiety and thinking that it was fun. Yeah. How did you feel like internally about where you were at with all of this? Honestly, I never thought about it. Yeah. What about your, what about before in 2014 when you started your health and fitness journey? How was that progressing when the drinking came back on?

Were you still working on that? I was still going. I was still like always super committed, discipline and dedicated to like goals that I had set. But I'd never set a goal around drinking because I was just like, that's just not even in question. It's not even going to be an option to be put on the table that we're not going to do that. And I never even thought about it as far as how it's affecting my health or how it's impacting my body. Like I never thought about it, honestly. I think your brain just shuts it off to protect you. So your ego is like protecting you in those situations. Yeah, from maybe looking at it and then realizing. And having to like analyze

what's really going on and having to make a change. You don't want to do that. Yeah, true. I was talking with somebody the other day and she asked me this question and I was like, that's like the million, one of the million dollar questions. And she was like, basically the long story short is why am I a where in my life that drinking's a problem, but everybody around me, it doesn't seem to bother them. And it was, is this a good thing or is this a bad thing?

And it was really interesting to me because it's, I feel like so many of us just wander around, not even really posing that question or not even having that insight or that awareness of ourselves to say, the drinking is not helping us in any way. And I was like, you know what, I think it's a good thing because I think there are a lot of people that will

wander through life and they'll, make it to the end and have never really looked at it to say, did I leave anything on the table because I was deciding to drink every weekend or however it is for somebody? So that never popped up for you maybe until it did. And that's probably why, right? It's you're just your ego is protecting yourself from yourself. Because you would imagine if you do get all the way to the end of your life and you're like, oh my God, I've wasted so much time. But if you never even think about it, then it's not real. You don't have to face it.

Yeah. So just to stay away from that in the sense, yeah, that rings a bell too. It's hard to self-reflect, right? That takes a lot of practice and like realization. And that's, I hadn't developed that yet. And that took like many years in the making. to like actually start looking at myself and saying, hey, what are you doing? What can you change? And yeah. So you mentioned something about a dry January. When does that come into play?

Yeah. I did one in 2020, January 2020. I did one. And I think because I was just like maybe starting to think, I wonder if I could just not do it for a little while. Yeah. Not maybe. be questioning if it's like a problem or not, but I was like, I think I just want to test myself and see if I could do it. And my head was never in, oh, I'm going to do this forever, anything like that. And it wasn't. Like my head was not in the game of I'm actually going to stop drinking for good. It was like, I'm setting a goal one month and I'm going to do it. And I did. And I was like, see, nothing to see here. No problem at all. And then during that month, I'm just like counting down the days, the weeks until this month is over. And then same thing. Went back. First time I went back,

it was just a disaster. Like the drunkenest you're ever going to be. It's always like you go back just so much harder that first time. And so that was 2020. And then obviously we all know that COVID happened. I don't know that my drinking escalated any more than it had before. Now we're just partying at home instead of partying at the bars. And we would have friends over and have house parties every weekend. And we like built a bar on our porch. And we're still going to make it seem like we're out at the bars. They're like down. But yeah, 2020, dry January and then COVID hit. And then I feel like from 2020 until I actually started this moderation business in 2020, It was just going and going.

So it would be like falling down, hitting my head. I remember specifically one time and I was like freaking out. I need to go to the emergency room, but I don't want to go because I'm scared, blah, blah, blah. And they're just dumb stuff and it's so dramatic when you're drinking. So there's other things popping up for your life, right? Still that same line of drinking too much. Are you blacking out to at this point? Yeah.

Yeah. So for the most part, it was always like too drunk or too blackout. Yeah. Which sounds crazy. Like I think people think it's crazy. It is crazy, right? Like that you're drinking that much. Yeah.

Did you, but did you ever, did you know? Because I've had people on it on the podcast. Blacking out wasn't, I did a couple times, but it wasn't often. But did you know, okay, X equals blackout? Or was it just? It would be like different every. weekend. So also, I don't think that I can handle my alcohol like the people around me either, because it would be like, what equation got me there? I'm going to do something different,

and then that equation would still get me there. It would be like, sometimes I'd have 10 shots, and it would be, like, then you would get there. Sometimes it'd be like two mixed drinks. I never knew what the equation was going to be. And it never seemed like it was that much to get me there and then once I was there I could never keep count then beyond that point. But I would be, I mean, I would get cut off at the bars often. Yeah. How many bars are an Appleton? Oh God, probably 30, 40. 40. So then you would just go, you could go to another one. Yeah. Because like our downtown is like all bars. There's probably like 20 bars on college avenue. So you're just like bopping around down there.

Okay. Just go to a new one. Gotcha. And yeah, I would do that. I'd be just like running off, talking to people, getting people's like snapchats, talking to strangers, playing the touch tunes, like just acting crazy, really. I'd be like go behind the bar and try to make my own drink. Gosh.

Was it scary to you, though, with blacking out? Yes, but no, because my husband was always there for the most part. so I knew that he would get me home safe. So it was like a safety blanket. So at this point, 2020, I'm in my 30s now, I think. How old are you now? 34. Okay.

So 29 maybe, yeah. Yeah. So late 20s. I mean, this is stuff that you would see like kids acting like 18, 19 year old. And I'm late 20s, pushing 30, like acting insane at the bar. Yeah. Did you pick up on that part, though, at the time? Yeah, but I think I just thought it was funny. And that's the only thing you can do, right? If you don't laugh, you'll cry. And that's why I said, I think people were like, if you want to party, like call Melissa, but if you got to go out with her and she's going to get drunk, like, it might get crazy. So be careful. Was that a bit. Some people share about, too, a big part of their identity tied to drinking or how things were. I mean, was if I met some of, on the street and was like, hey, tell me a few things about Melissa. I mean, is this kind of maybe one thing that would come up?

Definitely at the time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'd be like, call me if you want to go and have a good time. But honestly, I don't even know if anyone else was having a good time or it was just me acting crazy too. Yeah. So the first time I think I started to like question this was like 20, 21. So we did dry January 2020 and we're just we're, it's each year we're like maybe putting a piece of the puzzle together. But I asked somebody like out loud if I had. had a drinking problem. This was like, we were at a party or a baby shower or something and I was drinking there. And one of my brother's friends was there. I don't know if he was a psychiatrist or a psychologist or something like that. And I was like, do you think I have a drinking problem? And I was like trying to like tell him like how much I drink. And then I don't remember what his response was, but I feel like whatever he said, I was like, okay, I'm good. I'm in the clear. Okay, I can still hold down a job and it's not really affecting my life that much. So I'm good. So then I probably didn't think about that again for a whole other year. So like I said, this is all escalating. So then let's like fast forward to 2022 like the next year. This year I had a goal of doing a half marathon. I set this half marathon goal every year for probably five or six years. And it was never realistic. because there was never going to be a scenario in which I was actually going to be able to get up on a Saturday and Sunday from like eight to 10 miles.

But, you know, we can all dream. So I was like training for that. And then we're still partying. And then one night we are, we go to the bars like normal, get dinner. We hop on the bird scooters. The bird scooters are the electric scooters that you can rent. So they have them like parked downtown for us and then you just go on an app and then you can pick it up, pay for it, drop it off wherever. And we were just like bar hopping on the scooters.

And we were going from one bar to another and it's after dark and it's pretty cold at this time too. And I'm just like take off bad out of hell. I mean they go 15 miles an hour I think is the max. But I'm like 15 miles an hour taken off to get to the bar. and I was driving it on the sidewalk and there was uneven pavement on the sidewalk that I couldn't see and I hit it and just crashed that thing and landed on my hip and broke my hip. But at the time, I didn't know what happened. Like, I don't know if you've ever felt pain like going to pass out. Tunnel vision.

Can't hear anything. Going to throw off like you kind of feel everything at once. And so my husband was riding behind me and he saw it. And so obviously then he like comes to help me and I'm like just trying to get my bearings back. And obviously it was just like excruciating pain. But I was like, I think I'm okay. Let's just go. Let's just take an Uber back home and see how we feel. And then after being home for a few hours, like I couldn't move. And I couldn't even get to the car. Trying to get from the bed to the car to go to the emergency room was just the most ridiculous thing. but I was like, I think I'm just being over dramatic. I don't know, but we get to the ER and yes, they x-ray it and the doctor came in. He's, you are going to need an emergency hip replacement today. I was like, shut off. Wow.

I was like, no. I'm like, I got to go to work on Monday. I can't be like getting emergency surgery right now. This was like a Friday night or whatever. So, yeah, I had to go into surgery. And basically he's like, you should. never run again because you can't you shouldn't be doing that on a hip replacement so this all just dawned on me and like the rest of that year so this was like April and I'm like trying to heal

trying to get back into what I was doing I actually got back into it really quickly like I was back in the gym lifting within a couple weeks like walking and jogging within a month I mean I recovered really fast, but then the news of you're not going to run or you shouldn't run again, I had so many goals wrapped around that that I just didn't know how to reframe what my goals were because I'm very goal-based in life for feeling like I'm accomplishing something. And so that whole summer was just a yolo summer is what I took it at. Instead of taking care of myself and saying, take care of your body and you need to heal and get back into it slowly, no, I'm like full blast into the summer. I need to make up for the one month that I was like down and out and

healing and this is like really where it escalated. I would say that I like got wrapped up with maybe like a group of people that didn't really align with what my long term goals were. And this is when I started like bringing drugs and cocaine into the mix of drinking. And I think it's because I'm always trying to up the ante. So it was like, okay, the alcohol, it's doing it, but it's not getting me to that next level. So then I start bringing cocaine in it to amplify this and do the next crazy thing. And it's like, I have dabbled in that stuff in the past, but like this summer was like very regularly doing this.

And this was like killing me. I'd be like the worst hangovers in the world, worse than the worst ones that I would have from like just drinking, like completely out of it for like multiple days. And so this summer is insane. Like at the time I thought it was fun. I was like, this is so cool. Like we're partying and we're making up for lost time. But really I was just like dying inside and I was like making so many bad decisions. And I had like drank and drank, drink and drove. my car and it got like a little bit banged up and I was like had no idea even how this happened and I was just getting so much anxiety from everything that I was doing at this time too like I would wake up with so much anxiety of who did I talk to did I get somebody's like phone number or Snapchat that I don't know or what's on my Snapchat story I have to delete all of this delete that delete all the messages and it's just escalating so this summer's crazy and then

This is, this Christmas is like when I feel like it escalated to the worst point of when I just got like really drunk at Christmas. I loved holidays and I just used it as an excuse to drink. And that's just how our family was to. My brothers drank and my parents drank. I mean, no one really took it to the same level as me. but yeah, this Christmas I just acted crazy. I was like playing music, running around in the basement,

running around with my nieces and nephews, and then my dad was like, I guess telling me like, you need to calm down, you need to go home. And I was like, okay, I'm going to drive home. And I was flipping him off, I guess. Just, yeah. And then, of course, you wake up the next day and you're like, what the hell did I do and say?

Yeah. That was like the top. Like the bad decisions. That was what Christmas at 23? No, Christmas of 22. Christmas of 22. Interesting back to where the doctor, I thought for sure the doctor said you're never going to run again. I thought for sure the doctor was going to tell never need to drink again.

Yeah, no. And at the time, I like convinced myself that I wasn't that drunk. Like I had been more drunk at other times. so I didn't relate it to the drinking. But then once I gave it up, I look back on that situation. I was like, I would have never even been in that situation had I not been drinking. I would have never been on the scooter. We would have never been going to the bar.

So even if you weren't drunk, it still wouldn't have happened if you weren't drinking. Yeah. Well, so, yeah, I mean, that's a good point there too. And you could probably look back at your life, just hearing a little bit of it here, when things went south in your life. Obviously, life is always happening. But when I look back at my life and from hearing your story, you could probably relate to this. When things went south of my life, I was drinking or somebody else was drinking.

When I wasn't, things were all right. Of course, life happened and there was stuff. But it wasn't to the level of when things went south because of me drinking or other people around me drinking. That was always the chaos in my life. Yeah. But I was like, I don't know if addicted is the right word, but I love the chaos. I love the noise because the more noise around me, the more I was drinking, the less I had to live with myself, live with who I was about. I had all these hopes and dreams in life and in everything

else. And this is where I was. Like I can relate to a lot earlier in my life, but relate to your story, right? We're hitting the bars where I'm sneaking off to the bathroom doing cocaine and spending all my money. You know what I mean? Just thinking about always having the conversation with my parents about being short on rent, being this. And where's all your mind? going. I know where it's all going. I'm just blowing all this money I'm making, blowing everything out of the water. And I think in my life, I wanted to fit in so bad. I just didn't care about how much I sacrificed to my own personal beliefs or values or goals or where I wanted to go in life. All that stuff seemed to come back seat to me just going out. When I would go into a bar and you just see,

I would just light up like a Christmas tree. I was like, you know, what everything in my life that's really heavy right now is just left at the door here. And I just knew that there was going to be that escape from myself and all the insecurities and everything in life that I've come up short with up into this point where I didn't feel like I was good enough. When I walked into that bar and I felt the vibe, I was like, I'm home. Yeah, definitely. And you think those people are your friends too.

Like you want to hang out with these people because they give you like that feeling. of fitting in or you have a place to go, but it's, it's not real. Like, when you stop drinking and you actually start experiencing life, like you see how superficial those relationships really were. They were just really wrapped around like drugs and alcohol. Oh, 100%. Yeah. Try to try to do anything else with those friends and it'll be the most uncomfortably weird thing, you know, that I've ever done. that I've ever done. We weren't drinking. I was like,

it's like you see him out in a regular grocery store and it feels awkward. It's, yeah, it was so strange. I was like, yeah, we really, we need to get a drink here.

Yeah, I was like, we really have nothing in common. So after the Christmas, yeah, what happens like internally after that? Because you said that's like the peak of the escalation. I mean,

what do you realize? I don't want to face it still. I don't want to look at myself and say I'm the problem. I just want to. to do what I want to do without anyone else's input. And so it took me still a while to overcome that. But I was like very selfish. Like I didn't care how it affected other people. I'm like, this is what I want to do and this is what I'm going to do. So I don't really care what your input or your opinion is. So I was just not addressing that. But in my head, I was like, maybe it's time

for another dry January. We're on schedule here, right? January 23. My birthday is January 1st, so we actually usually go on vacation. That January, we're on vacation, and I'm not giving up drinking before a vacation. It wasn't really a true dry January. It was like when we got back from that vacation, then I was like, okay, I'm just going to do 30 days from like when we get back. And it was very similar to the first 30 days where my head wasn't really in it. I was just trying to do it because I just want to get through it. But this time I think more things started changing and I actually started seeing like the good effects of it like sleeping better and having more energy.

And I started opening my eyes during that dry January. So still I just wanted to get through it though. And I was like, I'm still going to, I'm not going to give this up forever. And so I probably made the 30 days and then drank once again and then fell like garbage. And in 2023, this was like my experimentation with moderation. I think I could, I'm going to try to

moderate it. I was really like stringing a lot of time together. It would be like a month. And then it would be like six weeks. And then it would be like a couple of months. And like each time that I put more time together, I was like really seeing like the positive effects that were happening. And I was like journaling about it this whole time as well. And so at that time I had wrote down that I kept seeing these angel numbers. So 1, 2, 3, 4, 3, 4.

And I didn't know what it meant at the time. But when I went back this weekend was like reading through my journals, it said that it's counting down to a new beginning, moving forward, fresh start on the right path to achieving goals. So I wrote this down in 2023 and I think that was like propelling me to the actual full sobriety in 2024, but I didn't know what it meant at that time. So I was just like still like following this moderation path. And I was stringing some good time together. The summer was harder.

And then again, once I was like giving myself that excuse every time, okay, I'm going to drink for this and then I'm going to drink for this, it would be like one thing a month. And then by the end of 2023, it was just escalating again. It was multiple days a month that I was getting drunk. And yeah, the end of the year always seems to like escalate for me until January comes. And I'm like, all right, let's start this again. Yeah.

And at the beginning of January, I had the thought of it would be cool to do a whole year sober, but not possible. Because I have X, Y, Z. I had my cousin's wedding that I was standing up in. I had all these things that I still wanted to do with drinking. So I was like, nah, it's not going to happen. It's a cool thought, but not for me. But this was the first January that I didn't drink on New Year's Eve because I didn't want to wake up hung over on my birthday again. I've been hung over on my birthday for 10 to 15 years in a row.

And so that January, I was not happy about it, but I really just wanted to get through not drinking. and I didn't want to make a big deal about it. And so I did it. And I mean, it wasn't all that fun for me. But I was like, okay, I woke up. I'm not hung over. I feel good. Let's get this year going.

And then January 2024, there was still like a few things. I feel like that I was like, I want to drink for that. I want to drink for that. And then it was really starting to taper off. And then the last time that I drank was, February 24th, 2024. So I don't know. I've grappled with this day, like, looking up, like, what day people pick. This is just the last day that I actually had a drink. And I didn't even count days when I started, like, initially started doing it because I didn't actually think it was

going to amount to anything. Did you pick this day? Because this is a day you pick? Okay. We were doing a polar plunge that day. And that was like one of the things that I had on my bucket list for that year. And at this point, I'm just over. the drinking because I'm seeing like how negatively it's affecting me more than positively, but it's like really still in the culture and it's like in everything we do. So this day I was like, I really just, I like declined having any like shots or drinks before and I just really didn't want to go out and celebrate. Like I just wanted to have the moment. Like I wanted to experience like what I had wanted to do. So like we did the whole thing and it was crazy.

and it was fun, and then we, like, went out and had a drink or two. And I just remember having a drink and then immediately brain switching from having this great time, being with everyone and joining everyone's company, to can I have another drink? Should I have another drink? What will happen if I have another drink? Can I have two? Should I have three? Then what do we do when we get back?

Are we going to go out or what are we going to do tonight? And just sitting there thinking, like, I'm completely removed from what's going on around me and in my head, just doing the mental gymnastics about drinking. And I think I said to myself, I'm done with this in my head. It would be better to just not even go there at all than to have to try to figure this out in your head. And then you're completely taking away from the situation that you're in and enjoying. everyone's company and celebrating, like, having a fun time.

Yeah. So that was the last time. I think I knew, but I didn't know for sure. And I didn't really know how to go about it. I didn't announce it or I didn't really talk about it with my husband because I didn't want anyone else's input. Like, I just, I wanted to do it without knowing what other people thought about it. But it is really hard here because it is.

It's so ingrained in the culture. So I would get like super nervous in situations where there was drinking because I didn't know what I was going to say or if people were going to ask me questions about it because I don't even know what I'm doing yet. I don't know what to tell other people. And now it's whatever. I just don't drink. But you go through this like getting comfortable. Yeah. With what you're going to do in social situations.

Yeah. So something, and it's interesting too because, I mean, we all get to those moments in one way or another. It comes up, right? And then I think it's all of the other times that we tried to quit or we did this or all these little things that kind of stacked up that brought us maybe to that moment. Yeah. To where it doesn't completely make sense. It was like regular day. It was like, hey, we're hanging out.

And then all of a sudden, you get this idea of what if I just start to go the other way and maybe put. a little bit of effort, energy into this. And now here you are. Yeah. And I think initially I was like, I still want to like do the stuff. Like I want to go out to the bars with you guys and do still what we would normally do. And then I'm just not going to drink. And that lasted maybe a couple of weeks. And I'm like, at this, I'm not wasting my time in the bar.

Like I could be doing something way more productive than that. And then it shapes and forms into a completely. different life. Like now I couldn't even imagine sitting in the bar on a Friday night or on a weekend and not like doing something for myself or moving forward in life. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's a terrifying thought sitting in a bar on a Friday night. God. Maybe for a play. I'll go and hang out for a plate of wings or something, but like I'm not hanging out all night or anything. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. I'd be like, okay, I'll amp myself up to if we're like going to do something like that. And I can do it for an hour. And then I'm just like, I'm done.

I'm going. You can say if you want to, but I'm like, I'd rather just lay at home and watch TV. Yeah. It's so interesting, though. And I think you'll be able to relate to this just from hearing you share. There was a in Huberman Lab, on his podcast, he shared something about, I don't know if I'm going to get the wording right, but an early warning sign for if somebody could potentially have a problem with alcohol. You probably heard this.

It energizes you. Mm-hmm. Was that something you can relate to? Yeah, I think so. And I think, yeah, you can like, I was never, like, put down or out by it or tired. It was always like, all right, let's go. And, yeah. Which was-

We would go. Yeah. And I was the same way. When I would start drinking, I would come alive. But I know people, too, I would say some people call them normies or just, like, regular people. Yeah, that's like my husband. Like I said, it's, I just don't understand the one. drink or like how do you just turn it off yeah and for a lot of people too it's it puts them to sleep yeah

i had company over christmas too and like they have one glass of wine and then like i look over and they're sleeping on the couch i'm like okay that's the weirdest thing ever i don't even know if they finish it i think that the glass is still on the counter halfway i'm like okay i don't know what's going on here but that's weird stuff but i think people like us right that's why we go out we stay out late yeah it's party it's more and then it's just you wake up the next day and after I think we realized, man, we've, we spent a lot of time, money, days on the couch, maybe eating my, I used to be my thing, right? The awful waffle. We used to go to a waffle house. Eating everything, yeah. And nothing would help, right? You're like, I need a soda. I need a water.

I need a, like, nothing would ever make you feel better. Yeah. And it was like, even when I look back, it was like, the drinking was like one thing that wasn't helping my life. But there was so many of those other aspects of it too that weren't helping, right? Just the poor food choices, the sleep habits, the financial problems of spending $200 at the bar or Friday night that I really probably could have used for my rent maybe in other areas, right? So it was like when I started to step back and look at the bigger picture about how this is intertwined and ingrained in so many areas of my life, what was that like for you, though, as you get this thing going? A lot of people share about sober now what? Who am I as a person? And what do I actually like? And how was that for you?

Yeah. So I think the universe like puts things in front of you right at the right time. And I've really seen that happen in the last like few years. And I mean, I had big goals for 20, And I think I also knew I'm never going to achieve these goals if I don't cut this out because I'm not going to have time. I'm not going to have energy. And like just knocking each thing like that off the list was just so much validation of that you're making the right choice. Like I sometimes just blow my own mind with the stuff that like my body is capable of doing. like in 2023, I finally did the half marathon. I did a sprint try. I did 100 mile bike ride.

We like are renovating our whole entire house. So like all these crazy opportunities have presented themselves where had even six months earlier had the opportunity to like turn our duplex back into a single family home presented itself, I wouldn't have been ready for that opportunity. I would have been too scared, not thinking that we wouldn't have had time to do all this ourselves. We wouldn't have money to be able to do all this to themselves. So it's like, it was really just came at the right time that our tenant was leaving. And I think this is the right time. Like, let's make this what it should be. And so you see all of that stuff just laying out in front of you once you're open to it.

Yeah. It's like the energy changes about in the opportunities, stuff we never thought possible. It's like these opportunities are coming from place. Like where I always thought like when I got sober, I was slow to get things together. I burned basically my whole life to the ground. But when things started coming, I was like, where were all of these opportunities before? And it was like, dude, you weren't ready for them in a sense. I was like a job here, a job there. It's Brad, you got fired from. every job you had. So what makes you think that you would have made something else work? I wasn't prepared. So I loved the way yet you, I've seen that a lot in my life too. And even when I got sober, and I look back, it was like, not ideally the way I would have wanted it to play out, but it played out perfectly. Yeah, exactly. In the moment, it's hard to see what it's setting you up for, but it's just always trusting that it's like elevating you to the next level. even if you can't see it right now, just trust it. Yeah.

It's when I used to work with people, we would have this thing called like blind trust. And they do it on ropes courses too. You have this thing where you do all these. I don't know if you ever done ropes courses before. Yeah, it scares me too. I should put that on my list of things to accomplish. But it's like all those different activities of like building trust with people

and you have to depend on the team to not hurt yourself basically. but it's it's tough i love that what would you say to somebody who's struggling with getting or staying sober too what helped you the most i think i would say just trust the process like sometimes or a lot of times it's going to be uncomfortable sometimes it's going to be amazing but change literally doesn't happen overnight it takes time it takes a lot of time so just trust that like growth is always happening even if you can't see it in that exact moment yeah I love that. It's like I say all the time, right? If I look in the mirror, I can't see my hair grow every day. But if I look back a year later, I'm like, oh, wow, I got a little bit of hair on top of my head there.

Yeah. So like when you're in it, in the thick of it, it's going to be hard and uncomfortable. But just know that you like will come out of it. And you'll be able to look back and say, okay, this was like setting me up for the bigger picture here. Yeah. And that's true. I mean, it's going to be uncomfortable going into situations. And now you might have to look at making new friends. and what else do I like to do for fun and how am I going to shift my identity from somebody as like the party person? But then, but I see that in your life now, just getting to know you a little bit. I don't know you a ton, but you've brought that sort of passion. I think maybe you had for drinking. It's not where you want it to be, but I think you've brought that sort of elevation to the life you have now to, right? What can I tap into in this direction? Because there are some of those

skills and the lifestyle that we can translate over and help us with where we're headed now too. And you started a podcast and you're pursuing goals. I've been really enjoying watching your Instagram stories of the transition of the duplex to the new place. And that's wild stuff to be working on. It's like crazy to just have an idea and communicate that idea and then bring it to life. Like just quitting the drinking makes you think like I can do it. anything. Like, I can renovate a house. I can do a podcast. Like, you literally, it like takes the veil off. So you can see life and the opportunities so much clear. And it's limitless. Yeah. Yeah. And it provides us with that confidence to pursue things. Like, we've got, I got this. Or if we don't got it,

we'll figure it out. Yeah, we'll figure it out. We'll just try something else. Exactly. Anything else, Melissa that we missed, do you want to share? I feel like just trust the process, right? Like, it's tough, but you'll get there. Yeah. Interesting on that too. One last question for you. When did you find on your journey that you were trusting the process so that you were

able to? I think when I did second dry January and I was like failing, but maybe failing forward because each time I would learn something from it. And looking back at my journal was when I was really like just, I would just set a small goal, like not drink for a month and then do that. And so I was like really going through the process, just hopefully knowing that there was something on the other side. Yeah.

Awesome. Thank you so much for sharing with us today. Of course. Thanks for having me, Brad. Well, there it is, everyone, another incredible episode. Thank you, Melissa, for jumping down the podcast and sharing your story. As always, everyone, if you're enjoying the podcast, don't forget, drop a five-star review on Apple or Spotify, on Apple, write up a short review. It would mean the world just to know what you guys are enjoying the podcast and that a few people are still listening.

So thank you so much, as always, for supporting the show. And I'll drop Melissa's contact information down in the show notes below for her Instagram. send her over a note, let her know that we appreciate her jumping on to share her story. And I'll see you on the next one.