Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Melissa struggled with substances for years and everything had to change for her to get sober.

Episode Date: May 15, 2023

Welcome back to another episode today. We have Melissa Paige as a guest on the show. Growing up, Melissa was never really around alcohol or other substances and her mom was her hero. She moved around a lot as a child and struggled to fit in with her peers. Melissa was very shy and nervous and always the new kid in school. Once Melissa discovered that drugs and alcohol would quiet down the nosies and provide some relief she couldn’t stop. The substance's would bring her to some very dark and tough places. One day she asked for help and this is  Melissa’s story on the sober motivation podcast.  ------------- Check out Melissa on Instagram Follow SoberMotivation on Instagram Get the SoberBuddy App More info about SoberLink Check out Palm Beach Recovery Centers Donate to Support the Podcast

Welcome back to season two of the Subur Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. Growing up, Melissa was never really around alcohol or other substances, and her mom was her hero. She was moving around a lot as a child and struggled to fit in with her peers. Melissa was very shy and nervous and always the new. kid in school. Once Melissa discovered that drugs and alcohol would quiet down the noises and provide

some relief, she couldn't stop. The substances would bring her to some very dark and tough places. One day she asked for help. And this is Melissa's story on the Sober Motivation podcast. The Sober Buddy app. This community is one of the most supportive I've ever seen. Starting with the meeting hosts who lead with support, kindness, and understanding. When someone falls, the community rallies to help support and encourage. People from all different countries who show up as strangers leave as friends. It is a true example of community and connection. What makes sober buddies special is everyone is working on the same mission to get another

day sober so we can live our best lives and to provide a safe place so no one feels they have to do it alone. Check out the app today or head over to your soberbuddy.com and come and join us for some of our live support groups. It's hard to find the motivation to get sober when you're in the trenches of addiction. It's easy to say I'll stop tomorrow or I'll cut back tonight. What's harder is putting action behind those words. That's why I've teamed up with Soberlink. Soberlink's remote alcohol monitoring system was specifically designed to help in your recovery, not just some breathalyzer you buy at the store. Small enough to fit in your pocket and discreet enough to use

in public, sober link devices combined facial recognition, tamper detection, and real-time results so friends and family know instantly that you're sober and working towards your recovery goals. Visit soberlink.com slash recover to sign up and receive $50 off your device. Are you a loved one struggling with alcoholism or substance use disorder? Palm Beach Recovery Centers can help. Their inpatient medical detox and residential facility provides personalized treatment to help you get back on track. Their experienced staff is here to support you every step of the way. For more information, visit their website, Palm Beach Recovery Centers.com.

Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got Melissa Page with us. How are you? I'm good. you. I'm well. The sun's shining, so I can't complain. We hit the lotto today. I mean, if you, if we woke up today and you're, you're doing your thing, we really did. Yes, I agree. Thanks for being with us. And what was it like for you growing up? Thank you for having me. Well, growing up, so I was born and raised in Charlotte, North Carolina. And so addiction does run

on both sides of my family. Growing up, basically, I grew up with my mom and my dad. And my mom is this really sweet woman that doesn't have an addictive bone in her body. I'm really supporting loving mother. My dad was untreated mental issues. I'll say that. And addiction. However, ironically, I didn't see any drugs or alcohol in the home growing up. I was never around it.

I had, like I said, addiction runs on both sides of my family. So there are people in our family that had addictive issues. but I didn't know it. And I found out later actually that my dad's dad was an alcoholic. And he was sober for a good while. And my dad, when he relapsed, my dad kept him away from me, my brother, my sister. So we literally never saw alcohol. We didn't even see my mom or my dad drink socially, I don't think.

So growing up, there was no, again, like no, you know, no drugs or alcohol around me. I had heard that people, my family had alcohol issues, and I didn't think anything of it. There wasn't any kind of, I don't remember that my mom sitting me down and saying like, this could happen to you. You know, she probably wasn't aware, you know, it was like one of those things. I mean, even at family get-togethers, we really didn't see a lot of alcohol, you know, and the people that were drinking were drinking in the other room. But growing up, my dad was extremely because he was untreated with, he was untreated by

polar. So his moods were extremely up and down. So I saw a lot of chaos in that in that realm where he would get very angry all of a sudden and go off on my mom, which would tear me up because my mom's my hero, you know, and it really, it broke my heart to see him go off on her like that. And he was very impulsive. So he was in and out of the house, odd hours of the night, which I came to find out later, like he was drinking and stuff. But again, it wasn't directly around us. But because of his untreated bipolar. We were moving around a lot. My dad, like I said, he was very impulsive. We would have money and then we wouldn't have money. We would have a home and then we'd be on food stamps. We would get a whole bunch of stuff and then we'd have a whole bunch of stuff taken away.

We were going to this school and they were going to that school. And I was a very, I'm an extrovert now, but I was a very shy, nervous child. And so like every year, I felt like I was a new kid at school. So I was never comfortable. I was bullied from, I want to say the time I was like 11 years old to like 15. I was brutally bullied for being really skinny, being underweight, being weird. My teeth stuck out like a bunny and like that's what I was told. And because I was on top of it super shy, it was like you're the weird kid, you're awkward. What's wrong with you? Like it was bad. It was really bad. And I was a, because my dad expected honestly perfection. So I was a straight A student. I never got in trouble. I mean, straight A's always made the honor roll. I started playing the

violin when I was 10 years old and I fell in love with it. And that was my escape. So I would play to the point that I remember playing. I even played addictively. I would play to the point where my fingers were cracking when I was really young. Like I was, I was getting calluses and my, the tips of my fingers were bleeding even because I would play. so much. Every time I got stressed, that was my outlet, you know. And then when I was about 14 or 15 years of age is when I went from, I say what happened in one summer, I went from wearing turtlenecks. Mom jeans are now popular, but back then they were not popular. And I was wearing mom jeans, like super high cut jeans and like turtlenex. And I was a shy kid. And I remember I was standing in

mine in a grocery store. And I was looking at, I think it was a fashion magazine. I don't really remember which one. And I was looking at all the women in the magazine and they looked confident and beautiful and happy. And I just remember thinking, God, I wish I could, I just want to feel that just once, you know. And I looked to my right and two kids walk in the store. They were about my age and they were cool at the time. They were both wearing really baggy jeans and chains. One kid had on shades and he was wearing an Adidas visor. The girl was wearing a tube top, baggy jeans, chains, and they were walking in the store, like they own the place. And I'm like, God, these kids are so cool, you know? And I looked over at them and looked away. About 15, 20 minutes later,

they got in line behind me. And the boy started talking to me. And he was like, have you ever been to a rave? And I was like, what's a rave? And the girl starts laughing. And she's like, she doesn't know where a rave is. And he was like, we're going to make you our project. And I said, what does that mean? And the girl's like, do you want to come with us to a party? And I said, Yeah, because at that point, I had no friends. I didn't have anyone, really, you know, like no one understood me. And my home life, my dad was by this point out of my life. So it was really chaotic.

So I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere. These kids, in one summer, I went from wearing the turtlenecks and the ginkos, making straight as to wearing ginkos, baggy, baggy jeans, tube tops, Adidas visors, sneaking out of the house. I started doing ecstasy. That was my first drug, ironically. And I just remember feeling like I just felt so, I don't know, I felt cool. I felt taller.

I felt prettier. I felt funny all of a sudden. And so I started going to raves, you know? And it wasn't every day. It was whenever I could sneak out of the house. And sometimes it was in town. Sometimes it was out of town. A lot of times it was out of town.

The parties would get busted at by the police. I would tell my mom, oh, then goes to Spina. I get so-in-s-sand-sat-house. and then I would go to Atlanta, like five hours away. And there weren't any consequences at first. I'm not going to sit here and say that there were. But I started drinking when I was 16 years old. And my first experience with that was chaotic.

I mean, I was probably 110 pounds dripping wet and 5'5 foot 6 and a half. I'm still 5'5. That was 5.6 and a half then. But I was introduced to alcohol by my friend's older siblings. We had, there was a hotel party and I asked them, how do you drink? How do you drink? And I was advised, which was not cool, but I was advised, drink this and chase it with this. It was a bottle of Goldschleger in one hand and it was a drink called Hot Dam and the other.

And I did that. And so for about an hour maybe, I felt cooler, taller, funnier, smarter, you know, all the things. And then I was praying to the porcelain gods for the rest of the night. night. I was sick for the rest of the night. And the next day, I was still sick. And I remember thinking, I'm never going to drink like that again. But you know what? Not once did I think, I'm never going to do that again. It was just like, I need to figure out the perfect cocktail and the perfect way to do it to where I don't get sick. You know, and I chased that feeling until the end. I really did. I mean, I, I, my drinking progressed to where I was throwing up every time I drink. I, I guess. I,

I obtained the nickname Puky, which is not cute. And it didn't matter what I mixed, probably didn't. I was always, and even when I tried not to, because nobody wants to get sick, nobody wants to be that person. I would always inevitably get sick. And finally, like, it got to the point where I wasn't getting sick anymore,

but I was always embarrassing myself. So I hear people tell their stories and they're like, oh, it was fun and it was fun with consequences. And then it was just consequences. But me, it's like once the drinking, once I, the drinking joined the party, so to speak, it was fun with consequences and straight consequences. There was no fun without, you know, and yes, there were fun times, but a lot of my drinking involved me embarrassing myself and involves me telling myself, oh, I'm going to, even when I tried

to moderate, I'm going to drink like two drinks, and I would really believe that, and I never could, I never could. I don't think my entire life, I don't think I've had only two. I don't think I've ever, my entire life. And I would always like either lie about how much I've been drinking. I would, I was a nice, I'm a nice person, generally speaking, but put alcohol in me and I become a different human being. I mean, I was getting in fights. You know, again, I'm like, I'm not a big person.

I'm not like a big girl, you know, and I would try to start fights with bigger people. If I thought someone was, that was my thing. It's like when you're in your addiction, a lot of us are suffering from self-esteem issues, right? So we tend to think things that aren't true and we build stories in our heads that aren't true either. And I would go out with my friends and if I thought someone was mean mugging me and they might probably weren't even looking at me, I would go off. And it got to the point where my friends were like, are you going to be okay tonight? Like, are you going to misbehave? And I'm like, I'm fine.

Like, you know, I'll be fine. But we would get kicked out of places. because we would, like I said, I would get in fights. I would get in fights with men. One of the scariest nights going out, me and my friends had gone to a bar, and there were a few guys at the bar that were home from war, okay? And they were talking about it. So that's how I know.

One of the guys was trying to hit on one of my girlfriends, and she was like he was kind of creeping her out. And I don't remember what always said, but he called her a hoe. And I saw red when he did. And so I went off on him and my friends told me to calm down. My boyfriend at the time had gone to the store to pick up more alcohol for the night so that we had alcohol at home.

And I'm going off on this really tall guy. I don't remember the whole thing, but I was like, you know, don't you dare talk to my effing friend like that, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so he gets one of his friends, pulls him back. And we go outside because we're leaving. and he proceeded to go outside too and he had a gun. And so he put the gun in my face and was like, do you have anything to say now?

And here's the thing about that. Luckily, his friend was like, what are you doing? Oh, my God. But that's my thing. It's like when I'm drinking and or using drugs, like I feel invincible, which is,

it's scary because you think that nothing can happen to you and you think that you can do whatever you want and there's no consequences. And that's not the case. I remember there were several nights that we drove drunk. I remember one night in particular, I was going to drive that night,

and my boyfriend at the time was like, I got this, I'm going to drive. And I'm like, would just drive slow because we also had cocaine in the car, and we were going to, oh, my mom's going to freak out if she listens to this episode. We were, she knows of them, thubber, by the way.

We were going to go into her house because she wasn't home, right? So we were going to party at my mom's. And I want to say I was 21 at the time, 22 maybe. My boyfriend was speeding in the car. and I told him to slow down. And he's like, whatever sights you driver and about that time,

you know, he gets pulled over. And I'm like, oh my God, I've got a freaking gram of cocaine like literally in my purse. And I'm like freaking out. Like, what do we do? What do we do? We're pulled over.

So I reached down. I'm wearing open-toed shoes and I put the gram between my big toe and my middle toe and I stuff it. Like I'm like, I don't know what. I don't know what else to do with this, right? So he asked him, you know, have you been drinking tonight? And he's like, oh, I've only had a couple. That's what we say.

And he's like, what about you? And I said, I have been drinking, but that's why he's driving. And I live right there. You know, I'm going to fly into my mom's house. We were literally in the neighborhood. And he's like, I'm going to give you a filled sobriety test. Of course he failed it. So he gets put in the car and he's like, point to where you live. And he's like, well, I'm going to stand. I got to stay at the car. But can you, it's like literally across the street. Can you walk? Can you walk to the house? And I'm like, okay. And I have a gram of cocaine in my toe, which is insane. It is insane. Just thinking about that. It's just stupid. It's crazy. So I'm like, what? He didn't see it. I don't know how he didn't see it. I get to my mom's.

My boyfriend goes to jail. I proceeded to do all the cocaine. And then I was worried about my boyfriend. Then I was like, oh, no, how long is he going to be in jail? You know, he gets out the next day. But that's just, this is just like, honestly, this is this was becoming more normal. It got to the point where I didn't know that if you're younger, you can get DTs. I was getting DTs. I was starting to throw up in the shower. My hair was starting to fall out. I thought that my life was manageable because I was still a straight A student in college.

But if someone had looked at my transcript, they would have seen that there were a lot of withdrawals. Because my thing is, this is how I handled my manageability. I'm going to quit a job before you can fire me because I don't want anyone to know. the truth and I'm definitely going to I'm going to quit a class before you can tell me I didn't pass it, you know? So I eventually, I dropped out of college. I quit my job before I could get fired, rinse and repeat and this continued to happen. I continue to embarrass myself. I started waking up with bruises on my knees from falling. I knew that this was getting out of control. So then I decided, you know what? I'm going to, I'm going to try to quit drinking. I'm going to,

I would take what I called a hiatus, like when it would get real bad. I would, there were many mornings that I would wake up and I was so humiliated. I didn't even want to look at my phone because I knew that I drunk texted, drunk called, made a fool of myself. Or I was really tired of getting the text messages like, oh my God, you were so crazy last night. Because I don't, I would have blackouts and I don't remember. Or I would go to a grocery store, which was really embarrassing. And a guy at the grocery store, a random stranger would be like, oh, there's that party girl.

I don't know who he is. I don't know what party he saw me at or what bar, but I had a reputation that I wasn't even aware of, you know? So it was getting to the point where I hated myself. And so I decided, one, I was like, I need help. So I went to a therapist for my depression. And the therapist started asking me about drinking. So I fired him.

I didn't go to him again because he's a quack. So I wasn't ready to look at that. When was the, like, how old were you when you're going to try to get help for this? I want to say I was like, 24. Okay. And by that point, I was living with my boyfriend at the time, and our relationship was so toxic because we were both caught up in our, well, this is, this isn't his story, but

we were both caught up in Alcena, an addictive lifestyle where it was bad. It was, the apartment was a wreck. There were broken dishes because when we would get in arguments, I would throw dishes on the floor, which was stupid. He would throw things against the wall. It was a very toxic, unhealthy relationship. And it was, there was no food in the fridge. It was straight condiments and mirrors with cocaine residue and beer cans beside the bed with

cigarettes on the ground. Like that's, that was my, that was the life, you know. And I was getting sick of it. And I went to a therapist for my depression and he was asking me about my lifestyle. And we got into drinking and he's like, do you think you might have a drinking problem? And it hurt my feelings because I didn't want to look at that yet. So I ended up not going back to him. But he put a seed in my head.

He planted a seed because I was like, maybe I do. Maybe I am an alcoholic, you know? Because it's like all my problems revolve around alcohol and drugs. So maybe there's something to that. So I took a test online. Are you an alcoholic? And it was funny because no one was around me when I took the test. And I lied on the test because the denial was real, you guys.

Like I lied on the test. And I still, it's still. I was an alcoholic. And I'm like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Like, I made myself down so much better. What were the questions on the test? Do you remember, like, which one you lied on?

No, I don't remember. Well, oh, okay. Oh, one of the questions, like, was like, do you feel that when you try to drink a certain amount, you always exceed that, right? When you consciously try. And I, absolutely. Like, I'm telling you. I couldn't not drink more than two because to me, one isn't enough in how I was drinking is

way too much, but that's what I knew. It's like, one or two sounds like, why would you do that? I wasn't drinking for the taste. I was drinking for the effect. I didn't want to feel how I was feeling. And I wanted to escape, you know, addiction is an escape of something. And it's like, I wanted to escape constantly. So I was like, oh, crap.

And so I kind of sat on that for a while. And then I went online and I was like, what do normal people drink, right? Like how do normal people drink? And one website, I don't remember which one. It said, a normal person drinks about one drink per hour. I was like, okay, I'm going to try that. I'm going to try that, right? So I went to a bar that I think it was like that weekend.

And I got a pen and I was like, I'm going to do a tally mark for one drink per hour, right? I'm going to make it happen. And by the end of the night, it was one big fat tally mark because I was doing, I was drunk. You know, like I couldn't. And then I remember the insanity of trying to, like, monitor it. I paid my friends to hide my liquor. And then I paid them to give it back to me. I swore off.

I was like, I'm not going to drink whiskey because whiskey makes me crazy. So I quit drinking whiskey. And then it was like, I'll do brown liquor. Then brown liquor made me violent. I'm like, I'm not going to do that. And then I was like, I'll do champagne. Well, champagne made me trust everybody where I would go home with someone strange and wake up in someone's strange as bed, which is scary and not recall it.

So I was like, okay, now champagne's the problem. And then I remember I tried a McCarty 151 one time. And that 151 wound me up in the hospital. And I went to the hospital. I did go to the hospital several times. And this was because I fell in my boyfriend's bathroom. And when I did, I got mad. I went to the bathroom.

He's a bathroom and I fell. And him and his friend were downstairs and I punched the window. Well, if you punch a window, you're probably going to hurt yourself, right? So I'm like, oh my God, I'm bleeding. My boyfriend's like, what the hell happened? And I'm like, I fell through the window. I punched the window because I was throwing a fit, you know? And so I went to the hospital.

And this was like two days before Thanksgiving. And I show up at my mom's house with a cast. And she's like, what happened now? And I'm like, mom, it was McCarty-151. And she was like in tears. She's like, I really do feel like you have a problem. By this point, my mom was having regular discussions with me. She was like, your drinking is not normal, honey.

Like, I'm worried about you. And I kept telling her like, no, I'm young. Like, this is what young people do. And she's like, you've been saying that for like four years now. Like, this isn't normal. You know, she's like, I drink in college and, you know, she's like, I just don't remember it being like this. Like, it's bad. You know, it was to the point.

And I found this out later where my mom would come in my room sometimes. when I was still living at home. And she would put her head down to my chest to make sure I was still breathing. And that tore me up because I'm like, that's so sad. She said there were so many nights that she waited up for me where I would tell her, you know, I'll be home like by one o'clock.

And then I would show up two days later, you know, or a day later or whatever. Like, and that was my typical, you know. So I tried to quit drinking on my own. It didn't work. I was able to stay dry for like maybe five months. and then I was going crazy because I didn't have a solution. So I went from partying like crazy to just I'm going to I'm going to quit drinking.

I'm just going to stop. I'm going to prove to the world that I'm not an addict, you know. And so for about five or six months, I was like basically living in like fear, anxiety, not sleeping, shaking, like, ah, you know, constantly mood swinging, angry, all that stuff. And one of my friends was like, Jesus Christ, if you're going to be like this, you might as well drink. And I was like, the point, you know. So I tried to get on the out here in California, they call it the weed maintenance program. So I started smoking pot and it wasn't enough.

So like one or two months into that, I was right back to where I started. I was drinking, doing Coke, all the things. And then eventually I got to the point where I was, I went to a party and I was sexually assaulted. And when I was leaving that party, I was, I got in my phone to call somebody, call a friend. And what was sad was at the time I realized there's no fucking friend. Part of my friends. There's no friends. The friends that I had had, minus a couple. There are a couple that I'm still friends with that I love dearly.

The friends that I had were not the friends that you call for help. They're the friends that you call when you want to do a gram of cocaine or you want to party or whatever. You want to ride somewhere or you're going to hook them up with something. They're not the friends that you call in the morning and go, I need you. Come help me, please. You know, and that was, it was terrible. It was a terrible feeling. I didn't know exactly where I was at.

I had to walk down the street for a street sign. So when I called the cab, I could tell the cab where to pick me up. I'd like to say that that was the last time I drink. It wasn't. I absolutely hated myself after that. And I continued and continued and continued. And then finally, December 31st, 2010, I had had enough. I remember I was, it was pretty earlier in the evening, too.

I was out with friends, drinking, partying, blah, blah, blah. I called my drug dealer at the time, and I said, I need party favors. And he was like, what do you want? And I said, whatever you can get a hold of. And at that point, I don't know if I was trying to kill myself. I think I was trying to kill myself. And I remember that night, I didn't hardly eat anything. And I had a lot of alcohol and cocaine, sanax, ecstasy, clonipin, pot.

And I remember the whole night. I remember it. I remember exactly what I wore. I remember the smells. I remember the people. Something hit me that night different. And I was like, I can't do this anymore. I really can't.

And I called, well, first I went to the bathroom and I prayed. I said, God kill me or save me because I can't continue. And I waited for a minute. I don't know what I was waiting on. I think I was waiting on someone to show up in the room and be like, I've got you, you know. We're a rescue you now. But I, yeah, I said that.

I went back to the room. Everybody seemed to be having fun. And I said, I need to make a phone call. And they said, okay. And I called my mom and I was bawling. And I was like, I'm going to kill myself. I can't do this anymore. And I was like, I'm drinking.

I've been relapsing. And she's like, I know. And she's like, I'm going to come get you. And she said, you need to call your father. Because by this point, my dad, who I didn't really have a relationship with, he was sober. He was living in California and he had gotten sober. And no, I don't think anybody in my family was sober up until that point.

You were either in your addiction or you were a normal, normie, quote unquote, like my mom. So I called my dad and I told my dad that's like, I want to kill myself. This is what's going on. And I was expecting him to be like, oh, you poor thing. Like I'm here for you. And he's like, you want to kill yourself? I said, yeah, he's like, good. And I'm like, good.

And he's like, yeah, so here's what you're going to do. You're going to go to a meeting. And he's talking about a support group. You're not going to call this number again until you do. And he hung up on me. And I looked at my mom and I'm like, dad just hung up on me. And she's like, well, I don't know what to do anymore. My hands are tied.

Up until that moment, my mom was enabling me, not on purpose. I'm not putting this on her. This is on me. But she was unintentionally enabling me. Whenever I was sick, she was there. Whenever I needed money for rent, and I'm putting this in quotes, it wasn't for rent. It's because I blew my money on drugs. She was there.

It took her finally looking at me, which she felt bad. It's so funny. Even to this day, she's like, I feel so bad doing that. I'm like, you need it. I was like, by you telling me the show is over, it gave me the opportunity to land my butt on the grounds and hit a bottom that I desperately needed. I desperately needed that bottom. In the next day, I went to a meeting. I just went to the first meeting. The first meeting I could get to. And it was a big, it was an auditorium. It was a big support group meeting. I'll say that.

And I don't remember the whole story, but there was a woman from New York and she was this short lady with this attitude. And she was a lot older than me. But whatever her story was, it resonated. And she said, Is anybody in the room suffering? And I threw my arm up and I was sitting in the back. I was scared and I know I reached of alcohol even though a shower. I had big Jackie-o shades on. I was shaking and I flew my hand up and I was like, my name is Melissa. I'm an alcoholic.

I want to quit drinking. I can't. I'm doing drugs to you or something crazy. Like I need help. I need to stop. You know, at the end of the meeting, this woman came up to me and she was this beautiful. I felt like she was glowing. She was beautiful.

She was very intimidating. She was extremely happy and super pumped that I was so miserable. And she asked me, she said, do you have a sponsor? And I said, no. And she's like, I said, I think I need one. She's like, okay, well, call me tonight. And I said, okay, is it like an interview process? And she said, no, just call me tonight.

And I called her that night. And she asked me, do you want to be sober? I said, yes. And she's like, will you do anything it takes? I said, absolutely. And she's like, and will you help other people in sobriety? I said, well, yeah. So we met at Starbucks that Wednesday, her choice.

She was like, meet me at Starbucks. And she's like, this is what you're going to do. You're going to call me every day. And I said, okay, perfect. I said so because I had gone, oh, by the way, I had checked out support groups, but I never really stuck around. I would go when I was feeling just bad enough. And I would like, take what I needed.

And then I would look for the differences. I'd be like, well, I'm not that bad. I mean, the denial was so strong. I remember watching intervention every Sunday night with my. my bottle of wine on my low-key evening, and I would watch the show as long as there wasn't an alcoholic. If they showed an alcoholic, I would say, oh, this is a boring episode and change the channel.

Because I could not look at myself, but I was still watching people like me that maybe were further along in their addiction, right? It was insane. But the woman became my sponsor. She said, you're going to call me every single day. And I said, okay, I'm going to call you every day, what time and she's like every day no text call I need to hear your voice and if you call me and you want

to drink you're going to call me again if you call me and you want to use you're going to call me again I said okay and she's like you're going to go to support group meetings every single day I said oh okay so like 30 and 30 and she's like no you're just going to go every day I said all right cool like 90 and she's like no you're going to go every single day and you're not going to worry about an end date because you didn't worry about it in date when you were drinking and you're saying you don't need to worry about that right now. Because the thing is, if you put 50% of the effort you put into drinking you're using, you're going to stay sober. And when she said that to me, I'm like, you're right, because I would walk in this freaking snow to that, to get alcohol. I would. If I had a flu,

I would, a whiskey can solve it. And I would go to the, literally, I would go to the bar, sick as a dog to get shots, you know. So I listened to her. You know what I mean? And I remember her telling me, she asked me, she said, you know, what, what is the, what was the, what's the biggest drinking day of the week for you? And I said, oh, that's easy. That's Friday night. She's like, perfect. You're going to meet me every Saturday morning. You're going to meet me every Saturday morning at 7 a.m. And if you're late, you're going to go home. Wow, this woman is, whew. But she, I call her my, and we're still friends to this day. Every time I go back home, I see her. She's my guardian angel. And what's really crazy. What's really crazy is that morning,

that's not even a normal support group meeting she goes to. She happened to wake up that morning and decide to go to that meeting across town. I'm like, someone call that a coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences. So there's that, you know. But I listened to her and I've been sober ever since. You know, and it's been amazing. Wow, that's incredible.

So much to unpack there. So much. Thank you. You know, painting a great picture for us. You know, I'm wondering, too, if you ever, throughout this whole thing to back up a little bit, did you ever think to yourself, like, how in the heck did I get here? You know, growing up, things were, you know, so, so. Maybe it wasn't perfect, but it wasn't completely terrible.

Like, you know, maybe some stories were here. And, you know, had an opportunity. You're in school. At one point, you're getting straight A's and then things kind of flipped. Did you ever wonder that, though? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was like, why am I crazy?

Not crazy, but that's the way. I was thinking, like, why am I so different when, and I also kind of was caught up on a while. I was using my pain as my excuse, if I'm being honest, you know, I was like, well, if you had, and me and my dad have a good relationship now, but at the time, we did not, you know, he's sober and he's gotten help for other things, which is wonderful. But at the time, he did not. So I thought he was a monster. I didn't know what I didn't know. So I would say, you know, if you had the dad I had you'd be drinking too right and then I would drink and I would make bad decisions and bad things would happen to me which so it would be like this vicious cycle of like trauma right trauma

shame drink to cover trauma and so this whole in me kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and I was just feeling it was junk you know so now looking back I can see the path but at the time I was like I was I was kind of like it's not fair because like My sister could drink and not have consequences. So she's like a normal. She's a quote unquote normie. My brother, he's got addiction issues and he's sober now too. You know, but I didn't see it at the time either.

You know what I mean? That wasn't until later. He's younger than me. So I'm the oldest of my brother and my sister are younger than me. And so like when I was really going through it, everybody was like, what's your problem? Like no one understood, you know? And I had a lot of people, you know, telling me, like, you need to, you need to just stop. And I would be like, I'm trying it.

Yeah. No. I mean, I didn't understand it. I did not. Even, even, even, and here's what's weird. And this is so amazing. And I wish, I wish I could think this man. So this is, I didn't use, this was before Uber, okay?

This is before Uber, you guys. But was there a time before Uber? I guess there was, hey? I guess. Well, I'll say not, maybe it wasn't before Uber. but like North Carolina Uber wasn't a thing. I'm sure in California it was at the time. Absolutely, you know.

But in North Carolina, no, you're going to call a cab. There was a cab that we would have called it. Was it Speedy Cap? It was Speedy Cap. We would call Speedy Cab every time we went out drinking. And most of the time, it was the same guy. It was the same driver. It didn't matter what time it was.

It was crazy. And I remember one night in particular, he was like, where are you guys going to? tonight and he was a really nice guy. And we were like, well, you know, tonight we just need to go by the gas station and get alcohol because we were coming back from the bar. He's like, okay. So my boyfriend at the time goes in the store to get that alcohol. I'm sitting in the car.

He looks in the rear view mirror. He's like, you know, you don't have to keep living like this. Oh. I'm like, okay. And I look at his, his rear view mirror thing. And I started crying. I'm like, he sees me. And he had a cross.

And I'm not super religious, you guys. So I'm not trying to, I'm adding, I'm connecting the dots. He had a cross hanging on his rearview mirror. And he looks, he looks right at me. And he says, you know, I used to run what the hell's angels? I'm like, what do you do now? And he's like, well, I make sure that people will get home safely, but I'm also a preacher. And he's also sober, right?

This tatted up cool older guy, he said that, you know, you don't have to live in, and I don't, did it get me sober at that moment? No, but it definitely made me feel in my being, there is a chance for me. because up until that moment, I was like, I'm a party girl. That's my definition. That's what I'm going to do. I'm just going to run my life into the ground

because I'm good at it, you know? But there were two times in my life in the beginning of my journey to sobriety. The first time was him saying it. The second time was when my, who became my sponsor was like, she grabbed my hands the first time we met for Starbucks. And she's like, that woman that I met,

you never have to be her again. Do you believe me? and I was a mess because there's something about my mom told me you don't have to live this way but there's something about another alcoholic

that sees you and is like, yo, I've been where you are and you don't have to do this anymore. It doesn't matter if you grew up with no home. It doesn't matter

if you grew up on the streets. It doesn't matter if you grew up in a mansion. All signs point to you do not have to continue this horrible life. You don't. I don't. don't believe that people wake up going, I think I'm going to be an addict when I get older.

That sounds like a great idea. No, but we do have a choice in whether to partake or whether to get help and save our freaking lives, you know, and all it takes is one person to like give you that little bit of hope, you know, and it changed the whole narrative. And that man, I, I went, like, I seriously almost like, I remember when I got sober, I was like, I almost want to call the cab. So I can be like, I'm okay. You're amazing. Thank you so much for being there for me.

You know, it was crazy cool. You have to give him a call one day if you ever back. Yeah. See if he's still doing speedy cab. I mean, it sounds like, maybe he's doing Uber now, but like. Oh, yeah, Uber. Yeah.

It seems like a bit of a risky name for a cab, speedy cab. I mean, I guess they're going to get there quick, right? I'm wondering too, though, because you mentioned to where your sponsor there and you had the cab driver experience about like these other people believed in you maybe before you were able to believe in yourself. At what point did you, could you take that on for yourself? Because I can't imagine that was right away. Like you're living this life.

And then people are like, because I had experiences like that too. Or like people saw the good in me that I couldn't see in myself. But it definitely took me some time to be like, maybe there's something to that. Like what about you? It took me a long time because I had a lot of shame. one, I was carrying a lot of shame from, you know, the fact of ruining my life, right? Like the shame of quitting college, the shame of disappointing my parents, the shame of not being who I really wanted to be in this world.

But I also had a lot of shame because there were multiple occasions of sexual assaults when I was out there ripping and warren multiple. And there was a lot of shame around that. There was, you know, it's trauma. And I wasn't facing it because I was too busy partying because my thing is like, when I'm in my addiction, if I feel anything that's like remotely bad, I'm going to, nope, nope, we're going to cover that up. Keep filling that hole, right? So when I got sober, all that stuff kind of came. Because the thing is, we can't compartmentalize pain. We think we can.

We think we can. We can maybe put it on the shelf, but it's going to come back. And when it comes back, it's not to sound dramatic, it's going to come back bigger, you know? So you have to face it. You know what I mean? And it's like one of the acronyms of learn and recovery is the fear acronym, face everything and rise or F everything and run. And I was running and running and running. So now that I'm sober, I have to face everything.

So that whole, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror for like probably the first 30 days. And I was shocked because I was like, I can't talk to anybody. I'm weird now. like at least at the time I thought at least alcohol and drugs gave me a voice like now I'm like I don't know what to do like people say hi to me I'm like you know people are hugging and I'm like you know what's intimacy going you know like I was super duper duper shy and super duper awkward and stuttering and clumsy and shaking and it was it was it was a it was a shit show you know and so for the first 30 days I couldn't look at myself in the mirror my self-esteem was built my my first sponsor said

that self-esteem is an action. And she said, you can't get self-esteem. Because I asked her, I was like, what am I going to start to feel good? I felt like crap. I don't like who I hate myself right now. And she's like, honey, it'll come. I promise, you can't have self-esteem until you do esteemable things. Because it's an action.

And so now that you're sober, you're going to start building your self-esteem muscle, right? And she helped me with everything. I mean, like, I wasn't, it wasn't just in my drinking and my, I using? That's the thing. My drinking and my using are actions. But honestly, at the end of the day, it's me that's the problem. Does that make sense? Like, I'm the issue. I carry me everywhere. You know, that's why geographicals don't work. I can go, oh, I'm going to start over and go to, I'm going to pull it, eat, pray, love, like Julia Roberts in the movie. I love that movie. And I'm going to go

to India. I'm going to become, I'm going to become enlightened, and I'm not going to be an addict anymore, and everything's going to be amazing. I'm going to floaten. It doesn't work that way. I'm the problem still. And so it took me doing one esteemable thing after the next, like doing the things that I say I'm going to do, you know, if I tell my mom I'm going to call her, I have to call her. When I got sober, she was traumatized because there were so many nights that she waited up waiting on my phone call that she was worried there were nights that she wasn't going to get the phone call or she was going to get the phone call from the police department. Your daughter's been arrested for a drunken disorderly or your daughter's in the morgue, you know?

Like, or drinking and driving and just kills a family. You don't know. Like, I just don't know. When I start drinking and using, all bets are off. Anything could happen. So I had to earn my mom's trust over time, you know? So I was calling her every day. One self-esteem, actionable act, or one action after another, you know, and then it slowly,

I remember I slowly started feeling better. and my sponsor would never tell me things like she would never tell me what to do. She would just make these little suggestions. And if I took them great, like one of the things she told me was if you want to be respected, you need to look at how you're acting in public. Like, what are you talking about? I was going to support groups in go-go boots and miniskirts being loud and obnoxious. And she's like, you know, so I, something in me changed over time.

I was like, I don't even like the way I dress. I'm dressing crazy and I want people. You know, I'm, I'm confrontational and I want friends. Everything I'm doing is opposite of what I'm trying to attract. Like if I want, if I want good in my life, I got to be good, you know? If I want healthy people and love in my life, I got to embody that. I can't embody that when I'm when I'm acting a fool. I don't know how else to put it, you know?

So it was built one actionable item at a time. The self-esteem was built by doing what. what I say I'm going to do when I say I'm going to do it, no excuses. If I didn't feel like going to the family function, I'm going to go. If I told my sister, I was going to meet her for something, I'm going to be there. Because I remember that was one of the harder amends because when I made amends to my sister, I asked her, I said, is there anything I left out? She was crying.

She's not really a crier. I am the one that's emotional. I'm super sensitive. And she's like, just promise me Lizzie, that's my niece. Promise me she doesn't ever have to see you drunk. and it made me cry because I remember my niece always like, why are you? I remember her saying one time

Auntie Melissa, why are you always so sick? I couldn't play with her. She wanted to play outside. I couldn't even do it. You know? So just stuff like that. It's like my self-esteem was was built over time by by being the person that I wanted to be and like showing up when I said I was going to show up

and like going to work on time and back in school, making good grades and like doing the things that I say I'm going to do and meaning what I say I'm going to, you know what I mean? Yeah, 100%. Yeah. I'm wondering if anything else changed too, right? Because you started going to the meetings, but throughout this, throughout your story here,

I'm hearing about these relationships. A lot of these stories are involved in a boyfriend of some sorts. Like, were you in a relationship then? Did you change that? Like, what other things changed, right? Because going to the support group, phenomenal step. But was there anything else that you had to look? Everything.

Okay, short, short answer. I love it. Yeah, no, everything changed because I realized when I was, you know, I also, I'm big on therapy. So I'm going to school to become a therapist. So I'm definitely, you know, a little biased. But I'm very much, very much big on therapy because most people that are addicts have got something, some kind of trauma. And it doesn't necessarily need to be some crazy thing that happened to you as a little kid or something. but like there is a reason outside that maybe genetics that you are partying the way that you are there's some kind of escapism that you need to look at right so i'm a big person like i'm big on therapy and my therapist at the time and maybe my current therapist like helped me see that like

i have toxic cycles it's not just i'm going to put things in my body that make me crazy it's like i have a bad picker i did not anymore where i would pick people that were in alignment with my style living. So my circle, minus a couple people that I'm still friends with that are healthy, my circle, we were party animals, right? The relationships were toxic. The highs were high, the lows were lower, you know? We were getting along, they were yelling and throwing things, and it was bad. When I got sober, I wasn't in a relationship. And my sponsor was like, I'm going to strongly advise that you don't get in a relationship for the first year of your recovery. And thank God she told me that. I need to work on myself. You know, and it's

like you can't give what you, you can't give away what you don't have. If you don't have love in you, you can't give it away. You know, it doesn't work that way. And I was a hot mess and I needed to work on myself before I could be okay for somebody else. You know, so that was a journey because it was like what has someone said before, how you do one thing is how you do everything. I believe that. I never used to believe that. I'm like, that's the most stupid saying ever. How you do one thing is how you do everything. Like, I can be lazier. I can be really, really busy. Like, it's not that, I don't know.

But it is true to a certain extent, you know? And so like, my friends, I don't want to say my friends were toxic, but I was choosing people that were like me. And I'll just say, I'll own my own behavior. I was toxic, right? So the people that I chose to be around weren't exactly healthy.

Yeah. You know, so the relationships were chaos. Yeah. Everything was high or low. In fact, I remember, Oh my God. I remember this one time I was sitting on my mom's couch. I was about four months sober at the time, I think. And I felt peace. I just felt peace. And I text on my sponsor. I'm like, can you call me? She's like, well, call me. I'm free. I called her. I said, someone's wrong. And she's like, what do you mean? I'm like, I don't know how I'm feeling. And she's like, what do you mean? Explain it. And I'm like, I'm not like, hi. She's like, we are sober. I'm like, no, no, no. But I mean, I'm not super excited. But I'm not depressed and I'm not angry and I'm not sad. And she's like, so are you somewhere in the middle? I'm like, yes. She's like, honey, that's called peace.

And I'm like, what? And I hadn't experienced that that I recall, which is crazy. It was so foreign to me that I didn't understand it when it hit. Yeah, wow. Yeah, no, that's powerful. It's good to bring that forth too, though, because that, you know, a lot of people when they start out, right? But that instant results, everything to just be cleaned up, you know, 10 years, 20 years.

30 years to just be fixed up in five days. And I think a lot of what you're sharing, I'm getting from it is there was a process for you. Things took time, right? A year without, you know, the relationship. It take four months before you, you know, experienced that piece. And then that was just like something so different. And a lot of different things, it takes time. You know, I love that, that you bring it up.

The healing process takes time. What else was helpful for you? So you mentioned, I'm just thinking if anybody's new and, they're struggling together. You mentioned, you know, I mean, support groups and you mentioned, you mentioned therapy. I mean, is there anything else that you would, that really helped you in your journey? Yeah, getting friends that are sober. I have friends that are normal too.

I'm not trying to say that people that are addicts are not normal, but I have friends that don't have addiction issues. Does that make sense? So, but it was vital for me to hang out with people that were sober, you know, and whenever, and this is something my sponsor at the time taught me. She's like, whenever people in sobriety say, come join me for dinner, go. You're building a new life.

And I was like, this is so weird. Okay, fine, I'll go to dinner with these strange people. But that is what really changed my life. The support groups helping other people and therapy. That is really what, like, it really things took off at that point. because one of my concerns getting sober is that what if I don't have fun again? Not like I wasn't, it's not like I was having fun when I came into sobriety.

Like people don't get sober because they're having a blast. You know what I mean? The fun had been gone, okay? It had been gone for years. But I was like, what if I can't dance ever again? One thing about me, I love music. I love music so much. I'm one of those people that I will dance in the car.

I don't care. I don't care. I don't care if it's. If people are looking, I don't care. If I'm in the grocery store, I went grocery shopping the other day. And Mariah Carey was playing in the grocery store. And I was kind of bobbing in the music down the aisle, you know? I love music.

So I love to dance, even if it looks ridiculous. And I was really, really concerned. I was like, what if I can't dance again? And my sponsor was like, you will be able to. And sure enough, I started going to these events with these sober people. And they showed me, you can party your. your ass off sober. And that has been proven true.

And here's the thing about sobriety. I wouldn't advise going to Vegas your first month, right? Because there's going to be triggers everywhere. But I went to Vegas for the first time two years ago with two of my sober buddies. And I'm going to tell you I had the best time in my entire life. Okay. And we danced to the point I had blisters on my feet. We went to pool parties.

We went to clubs. People were asking me what I was drinking. and I said a Shirley Temple. And you guys, since I've gotten sober, I love me a Shirley Temple. Shirley Temple is the jam, okay? And I was drinking a Shirley Temple, and I remember one guy going,

no, is there vodka in it? And I'm like, no. He's like, where are you want? I'm like, I'm happy. He's like, you were just dancing. I'm like, yeah. He's like, you were like the only one on the dance for a few minutes ago.

I'm like, yeah, I'm happy. And he, like, looked at me. He was like, he didn't believe me. I'm like, dude, I'm happy. you know and I was I'm like how cool is it that I get to live this life and not kill myself and wake up in the morning and I get to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of myself like I've got friends today you know like I get to go to school and pursue my dreams you know and I get I get to do all these I get to really live because I'm going to be honest like when even when I went on vacations

when I was drinking and using I don't remember them I went to New York I don't remember it I went to K-West, don't remember it. All these fun places, don't recall it. I get sober. I go back to New York and remember every moment of it. I get to go to Vegas. Remember every single moment, all the lights, you know, in the club and the music and the pool party.

And I got to see one of my favorite DJs, sober. And I was just like, this is what's badass. That other life that I was living? No. I don't want that. Yeah. No, for sure. Yeah.

I mean, especially for vacations, we spend all. all this money. And then we don't, you know, I mean, you spend two, three thousand dollars or more, I'm sure for a week that you don't remember and you go to concerts and you go to sporting events. And yeah, it's just when you really step back and think about it, it's like, yeah, I mean, it's good to be able to do that stuff and remember it. Look, this has been incredible. Thank you so much. I'm wondering. Just wondering here in closing, if you want to leave everybody with something and, you know, to wrap this up. Yeah, I would say. reach out for help. Don't be afraid to ask somebody for help, you know, don't be afraid. That's the biggest

difference is like when I try to do it on my own, I could not. But when I finally said I have enough is enough, even like I was terrified. Like ask for help scared. It's okay. Yeah. And that's so powerful. Yeah, asking for help. And then I mean, is there a second step to that though? Because a lot of people ask for help, right? It's like, help me, help me, help me, help me out. But like I think towards the end of your story. And I mean, for me, too, like I asked for help so many times, but I didn't do anything with it. And I think it really changes when our feet start to match what we're asking for. Yes. We start to move in that direction. If somebody's like, hey, need some help. And the suggestion is like, hey, check out a support group, get a therapist or go to an online meeting or,

you know, do something. It's like in that moment when you're going through that pain, and we talked about this a little bit before we jumped on, in that moment when it's the most painful and you've just had the worst night of your entire life and you're wondering how you made it out alive and the next day you reach out for help and you're really in it, you've got to start moving then. Don't wait for two, three, four, five is after when when you conveniently forget about how bad it was, you know, think that's important. Yeah, I think the timing, timing is everything right. And I didn't mention this either, but another piece of the pie for me, a big piece of the pie is fitness working out is another form of therapy that I strongly advise, mind, body and soul health,

right? But my inbox is always open if someone wants to chat and someone needs help. But yes, be able to be teachable and don't wait. Because the thing is, there were times in my, in my journey where I've lost, I lost count how many times I was like, I feel like, crap, I need help. I want to die. But I'll call somebody tomorrow. And then tomorrow would come and I'd feel just a tiny bit better. And I'm like, maybe you weren't that bad. And And then this would like rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. So like the best time for you to ask for help is when you, you want to die. And don't even like, don't even talk yourself out of it.

Don't just do it. The phone can fill like 80 pounds when you're scared. It can. But call anyway. And then just stay open to being teachable because the people that want to help you have walked down that path. Even if they don't look like you, try not to make a judgment like they don't understand what I've been through.

They're obviously put together. You don't know. My sponsor, she's got a PhD. She's amazing. She's beautiful. She's smart. She has her stuff together. She's a beautiful family.

She had a story, you know? She hit a lot of bottom. So it's, try not to go there. You know what I mean? Yeah. No, beautiful. And how can people find you if they want to send you a message? Yeah, at the Melissa page on IG.

That's the easiest way for me. Instagram. Perfect. Well, thank you again. Thank you. of the Subur Motivation podcast. I'm so grateful for all of you that listen to the episodes all the way through. I hope you enjoyed this one.

I've got some more episodes coming to you very soon, some incredible, incredible, powerful and uplifting stories, just as the one we just heard from Melissa. Be sure to send her a message and let her know how much you appreciated her coming on this show and sharing her story. it was truly incredible and was awesome for her to be vulnerable and really share everything that went on and how she's doing now is just amazing.

If you want to support the show and you're able to do so, check out BuyMea Coffee.com slash sober motivation. All the donations go towards covering costs for the podcast, such as equipment, editing, web hosting, podcast hosting, and probably a few more things. And if you can't and you just listen to the show, that's cool too. I still love you. And I'll see you on the next one.