Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Melissa's story from grey area drinking to sobriety.

Episode Date: June 28, 2024

In this emotional and powerful episode, we welcome Melissa, who courageously shares her journey to sobriety. From struggling with alcohol during her teenage years in Wisconsin to moving to New York to pursue a career in theatre, Melissa's story is filled with ups and downs. She discusses how her alcohol use escalated during her adult life. With insights on the challenges of quitting alcohol, the importance of community support, and her continuous journey toward a healthy life, this episode is a heartfelt reminder that sobriety is achievable. Tune in to hear Melissa's story of resilience, determination, and reclaiming her life. This is Melissa’s story on the SoberMotivation Podcast. Melissa on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thesobernewyorker/ More Information about SoberLink: www.soberlink.com/recover Follow me on IG: https://www.instagram.com/sobermotivation/ 00:00 Welcome to Season Three! 00:15 Facing Setbacks in Sobriety 01:06 The Power of Trying Again 02:28 Introducing Soberlink 03:14 Meet Melissa 03:37 Melissa's Early Life 05:52 High School and Early Drinking 12:37 College and Theater Life 16:57 Moving to New York 25:32 Starting a Family 28:13 Struggles with Alcohol 29:11 Sober Curious Journey 33:20 Facing Unexpected Challenges 33:34 Finding Purpose in Mask Making 34:10 Turning a Hobby into a Hustle 34:58 Coping with Loss and Grief 36:34 Struggles with Alcohol and Health 44:39 A Wake-Up Call from the Doctor 49:58 The Journey to Sobriety 51:12 Reflecting on the Path to Recovery 58:28 The Power of Connection and Support 01:04:27 Encouragement for Those Struggling 01:07:20 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Welcome to Season 3 of the Subur Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible, inspiring, and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible one story at a time. Let's go. How's it going, everyone? Great to have you again for another episode. Had a few thoughts over the last week, week and a half.

About people reaching out, things didn't go the way they wanted it to with their alcohol-free or their sobriety journey. And I get it. It can feel like you failed. Like this is never going to work out. I mean, people, I think, reflect on how many times they've tried. And find themselves back to the beginning. And man, do I ever relate to that?

I hope you guys never get the impression that I got all this figured out my first try. Because that's so far from the truth. There was a ton of intervention, a lot of consequences. a lot of pain, a lot of me not being honest with myself. And I put up this thing on Instagram a while back, that sober people just gave it one more try. That's all that's required here, is to give it one more try, beating ourselves up,

feeling like we're failures. Although I get it, it doesn't help us out. We've got to dust ourselves off, And get back up and get back at it. Start with a day. Even though we want things the easy way, the only way to get through 30 is to get through that first day first,

that second day, and that third day. And before we know it, we're into years. And it's just magical how it all plays out. And all the benefits and the ways our lives change. For me anyway, and for so many other stories that we've heard here on the podcast. So if you're struggling with that day one, and you feel like you're never going to get it,

the best advice and direction I ever got was you've got to find a way to get back up, to get back at it, find some support, find some people that you could connect with, to not feel so alone on this journey of sobriety. Now let's get to this episode. In this emotional and powerful episode, We welcome Melissa, who courageously shares her journey to sobriety, from struggling with alcohol

during her teenage years in Wisconsin to moving to New York to pursue a career in theater. Melissa's story is filled with ups and downs. She discusses how her alcohol use escalated during her adult life, with insights on the challenges of quitting alcohol, the importance of community support, and her continuous journey toward a healthy life. This episode is a heartfelt reminder that sobriety is achievable. Tune in to hear Melissa's story of resilience, determination, and reclaiming her life. And this is Melissa's story on the Sobermotivation podcast. It was vital in keeping me accountable.

It doesn't interrupt my life. It only enhances my life. People in my program swore by it. These are just a few quotes from Soberlink users. Soberlink is not just any breathalyzer. It's the breathalyzer designed specifically for those in recovery from alcohol addiction. How it works is simple. You'll test at the same time every day.

A built-in camera will take a photo during your test so it knows it's you testing. Tamper sensors will flag any attempts to cheat. And instant easy to read results are sent directly to your loved ones because it's not just about proving you're sober. It's about sharing your success, establishing patterns of trust and dispelling doubts with hard evidence. Soberlink proof of sobriety at your fingertips. Visit soberlink.com slash recover to sign up and receive $50 off your device. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got Melissa with us.

How are you? Hi, Brad. It's so great to be here. Thanks for having me. Yeah, of course. I feel like our time was due to do a podcast recording because we've been crossing past in a lot of different areas. It seems over the last couple of months.

So I'm so happy to have you here. Happy to be here. So what was it like for you growing up? So for me growing up, it was pretty idyllic. I grew up in Wisconsin and in a family that was very loving and supportive. I have a younger brother and small town growing up where we played with the neighbors outside till the sunset and my mom rang a big bell for when it was time to come in and kicked the can and all those fun games growing up, riding our bikes.

before the internet, kids got out and played quite a bit. So we had a really good life in this little small town. And when I think about what role alcohol played in my family's life, my dad drank, not too excess. He had a party drinking lifestyle if there was a party going on. We had a pool in the backyard, so sometimes there were pool parties, and he had a big goblet that he would fill with a margarita. And it was a joke, you know, one of those big 64-ounce cups, and he was like the king drinking from it. But my mom didn't drink. And, you know, my grandfather was an alcoholic. I didn't know that as a kid. But when we would go to visit my grandmother, they were divorced. We would go visit her, and we would stop off and see him on the way.

And his house was dark and dank and smelled like cigarettes. And he was very unhealthy looking. It just had an ashy look to him. And as a young kid, I didn't put those things together. It wasn't until later on. But yeah, it was pretty typical, which was good that it wasn't much of an issue. Yeah. Yeah.

No, that's great. And I've had a few people on this show from Wisconsin and the accent comes out here and there. It seems like a lot of people from there, though, share in one way or another, a similar story of it just being readily available and it was just involved with a lot of different areas. Did you grow up in a smaller town? Like when you went to school and stuff, it would just be a small class size. Yeah, my town was 5,000 people. My high school class was 98. A lot of farm country. We lived in the, the town, there was a stop sign. I don't even think there were traffic lights. Yeah, so it was a great place to grow up as a kid. As I got older and got to be a teenager, I found it incredibly boring. And I looked for outside stimulation, which was very easy to find. In Wisconsin, there's drink everywhere, every home you go to, every friend that I slept over with. There was beer and a basement with a refrigerator and dad's beer collection. And so it wasn't too hard to dabble in that early on. And I definitely did. I was probably 14, 15 years old when I drank for the first time. I don't remember the exact situation. I love it when people do. I don't know if I

just don't have that kind of memory. I think it was probably peach schnapps and orange juice. I do. and someone's parents were probably gone for the afternoon, and kids came over, and we tried, we experimented, and got sick, and so that happened to me more than a few times, and when I was a freshman in high school, I remember at a dance, we drank before we went to this dance, and we showed up at the dance just hammered, and you can't hide it.

when you're 15 years old. That's not even something you know how to do. I got sick. I'm pretty sure I got sick. And they had to call my dad and my dad had to come pick me up. And I always had a dad that was like, listen, if you get in trouble, you call me, no question is asked, we'll talk about it in the morning. And that was a really great thing that he was like that. My mom would not have been like that. So after that experience, my parents, I think it came to their attention that this, we got to do something about this. You know, this was, to me, it was just normal high school behavior and I wasn't the only one doing it. My grandfather that I mentioned earlier was at this point in the hospital dying from complete organ shutdown cirrhosis. And they actually took me to the hospital to see.

him. And it was probably their way of shaking me to say, look, this can happen to you when you're a 15-year-old kid, and it doesn't, that doesn't compute. And I saw him and he was completely jaundiced and yellow and barely breathing. And it was hard to look at, but it didn't, you know, say to me, I shouldn't do this anymore. They thought, that maybe seeing a counselor would help. And I went along with it because they're my parents. They had to tell me what to do. But it didn't really change things for me. On the weekends, as I got older, we would gather at friends' houses. And it became a thing, a bonfire out in the backyard. And I was tall and I looked older. And once in a while, I would get lucky enough to get served at a

liquor store. So wine coolers were big back then with beer. And throughout high school, it just, it was a thing, but it wasn't a, it wasn't a huge distraction. I still was on the honor roll. I played sports. I was very active in the theater in my high school and in the community theater. So it wasn't, it was pretty typical, I think. Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting. You hear a lot of stories like that. I was even thinking about. your story of their of your parents taking you to see a grandfather of a scared straight. And I know they used to have this show on A&E, right, years ago. And it was so interesting because I actually did a program like that.

I was on probation when I was in high school at 16 for getting in some trouble. And part of the probation deal was this scared straight program. So your probation officer took like a group of us. And I was living in North Carolina at the time and took us into the state prison there. And we sat around a table with people. And I mean, it was people, all kinds of serious stuff. And they brought us and showed us to death row and, you know, all this. They had the different jumpsuits.

And it was pretty like probably traumatic looking back on it. But that was the idea, right, as to where you go. And it's so interesting, though, that you bring that up. And when I look back at that situation and other things, when I was younger, I easily just talked myself out of it. Yeah, I mean, this is great in all. But this will never be, you know, I'll never. end up. I mean, I come from a great home, you know, middle class, nice neighborhood, nice parents.

You know, I'm not like excelling in all areas of my life. But come on, this is, this can ever be me. And then fast forward to my story, it was me. But I think, yeah, those interventions, our parents try and to get us into stuff. And I did a lot of counseling growing up too. But I mean, what I learned through counseling and therapy through the years is you really have to know what you're doing when you go in there. And you really have to be like interested in really plugging into it. And when you're a teenager and, you know, my parents like, go here and do this. It's like, all right, we want them off our back a little bit, right? But it's really hard to plug in. Right. Yeah. I remember the counselor saying, what can you do to switch, you know, flip in your head?

What can you do besides drink, besides party? And I was like, oh, I don't know, maybe swim. We had a pool in our backyard. I like to swim. But it was like just giving them an answer. so they'd get off your back. Like, I was not plugged in. It was just going through the motions. And, yeah, there was nothing, you know, the scared straight. Like, for me, he was an old man. I didn't even really connect the dots that this is what could happen with alcohol.

So it didn't really scare me. Yeah. So you're really plugged into doing theater, you said, right? Yeah, it was a great outlet for me. I was a shy kid growing up. And once I started, there's something called forensics, which is a speech competition, not the DNA science. And once I started doing that and doing it in front of people and getting some success with it and then trying out for plays. And I just, it felt really great to me to be in that position. And moving forward, After I graduated from high school, I didn't know you could do that for a living. And I decided that maybe that's something I want to look into. The colleges that I applied to, all state schools, but one had a really great Bachelor Fine Arts program in musical theater.

I took voice lessons at the time. I did the whole nine yards. And I said, all right, I'm going to go to college. I'm going to study theater in college. And my parents were fine with it. You know, a lot of parents would say, no, you're not. I'm going to pay money for you to study accounting because then you can get a good job. My parents were fine with it.

They were so supportive. And I was super blessed in that way. So I entered this state school in Wisconsin and immediately found my people. Theater people are a very special group. I had theater friends in high school as well. I had jock friends. I had theater friends. I like straddled different friend groups.

It was great. In college, it was even better. And they were, like me, they were outgoing and fun and silly. And guess what? They could party like crazy. Theater people can party. I mean, for every show, there's a cast party, right? Every show.

And there are themes. There are Halloween. There are, you know, dress up. Theater people love a good theme party. It was, you know, four and a half years. it took me four and a half years to graduate. But it was a great time, and I still have super good friends from those years. And when it came time to graduate, it's okay, I have a theater degree.

Now what do I do? And to me, in my head, I always thought Chicago's a decent-sized city with a theater program, and maybe I'll move there. It seemed more, it seemed realistic. I got cast in a show right after graduation. a dinner theater production of the show Gypsy. And we played in Ohio and then Wisconsin, two different dinner theaters.

And the first day of rehearsal in Ohio, I was standing around the piano learning my part and this very charismatic, good-looking, suave man approached me and said, he looked me up and down and said, how tall are you? And I said, I'm 5-11 and I wear heels as often as possible.

And his name was T. Scott. And that was day one of one of the most incredible friendships of my life. We were thickest thieves. He had a role in the show, a dancing, singing, just lit the stage on fire every single night. And we grew, we bonded. immediately throughout that run. And he liked to drink too. And I could drink. And Thursday nights were our nights while we were putting on the show, we would record in a VCR. For those of you listening, you know what a VCR is? It's very old. We would record Friends and Seinfeld. That was

like the Thursday night lineup. And after the show, we would watch it. We would go to the grocery store. This was in Ohio, and they have a beer called Hewty Delight. They sold a 15-pack for $4.99. And that was our jam. We got that 15-pack, and we watched our shows, and we finished it. The two of us, that's a lot of beer. We bonded over stuff like that. I mean, we bonded over more, but drinking was always in our lives. It was sophisticated. It was fun. We had parties. And at the end of the run of that show, he said to me, he said, he got cast out of New York. He was based in New York, and I got cast out of college. And he said to me, do you ever think about moving to New York? And I was like, of course I do, but how does that even happen? And he said, if you want to give this acting thing a try, you really got to move to New York. So I said, okay. And I packed my bags and bought a one-way ticket. And on July 5th of 1995, I moved to New York. And we came into Newark Airport.

We took a bus into the city, Port Authority. I'll never forget this. We were loaded with suitcases. We probably had about eight suitcases between us. And we were only going to go like four blocks from Port Authority. We had a sublet for two weeks. We got to the steps of Port Authority. And he said, he looked me straight in the eye and he said, okay, take down your hair, walk down to the street, hail a taxi. Tell him we're not going very far, but we'll give them a big tip. And it was like, it was on. Like assignment number one, New York, here I come. I took down my hair. It was like blonde, flowing, gorgeous, you know, I'm 23 years old, tall, thin, just the whole nine yards.

walk down scared as shit walk down hail a taxi it worked he took us with all our bags t scott knew i would have more of a chance of getting a taxi than he would and that was our that was my foray into living in new york and i had a place to stay for a couple weeks and my boy t scott got cast in a show almost right away and he left and i know he's He was nervous to leave me, but I made it happen. I got a job on a local dinner cruise ship that I was a singing waitress and was able to start making money while still auditioning, and he got on the road, and he went on the road with a big national tour, and that was thrilling for him.

Of course, I missed him, but he would have me out often. This was like the first time, you get a national tour. tour, you're making bucks because you're not paying for rent. And he would have me out to visit often and usually led to lots of parties. He was a gay man, so there were gay bars galore. So we had fun on the road together. And he was gone for a while from there. He went on cruise ships to Greece and just made quite a life for himself. And I carried on in New York trying to get established and doing my thing. Yeah, wow, quite the journey. So you started in New York. I'm just curious to see what did your folks think about when you're like, I'm headed to New York?

They had never been to New York, right? And here their 23-year-old daughter says I'm going to New York. My dad, I will tell my dad, when I said, when I graduated from college, I told them within five years I would like to be in New York. And he leaned over and said to me, I hope it's sooner. So he was, yeah, he was excited. My mom was very nervous, and she got on a plane probably three months after I moved there. And she stayed in my crappy apartment and just needed to see what was going on in New York. And my dad eventually, that was the first time my dad was ever on an airplane when he flew to New York to visit me. So it was out of their comfort zone for sure. But they were supportive.

They knew something I wanted to do, something I dreamt about. And yeah, and I'm still here today, 29 years later. Yeah. And so you get this job doing, so you're a singing waitress? Yeah. What kind of songs did you sing? It was the kind of thing where you wait tables, right? It's a buffet style.

You wait tables. And then you hear the music and it's a little review, maybe a 20-minute review of medley of different songs, basic dancing. And so you're on stage singing a little stage. But your tables that you're waiting on are right there in front of you. And the best would be people raising their hands. I never got my dessert when you're mid-song. Or can I have more coffee? Boy, dude, I'm a little busy right now.

It was a great job for me in New York. I still have my core group of friends that I started with on that job. We still, that is my family, you know, my friends that are my family. And we had a place after work, Wilson's on 23rd Street, where we went and spent our tip money on pitches of beer. And we were young. We could do that. We could get up in the morning and go do a little.

lunch shift if we needed to. You know, drinking in New York at that time, yeah, it was a thing for me, but it wasn't a regular thing because I didn't have any money. I was looking for a change in the couch to get to ride the subway back then. I didn't, or I would walk. Of course, I was spending tip money on beer, which is a whole other situation, but priorities, right? Yeah. I can relate to you with that as well. I mean, when you're younger, a night out, you know, sometimes looks a little bit better than the rent coming next week or the week after. So where do you go? Where do you go from there? And I mean, throughout this time, you mentioned Wilson's there. You guys are, you know, doing that thing. And I think that's too. You hear that story quite often, the, you know, the community that comes along with, you know,

working, whether it be restaurants or, you know, entertainment and just the shifts too, right? Like, I remember working in restaurants and you might work till 10 or 11, 12 o'clock at night. And you had maybe a different schedule than a lot of other people, maybe sleep in the morning, but we always used to go. I mean, we used to go out, probably not every night because we were in a little bit of the same spot. Funds are tight, but we would often make it work if somebody was short. We would cover, but we had that community to where it was almost like your sense of belonging. And I struggled with that for so many years in my life personally coming up to that. And then when I started in this restaurant business, I was like, hey, we're hanging out with older people. It's really, was really cool.

And it wasn't disastrous at the beginning. Right. Yeah, it wasn't. But you know, those drinks show up during a shift. Any kind of hospitality job, it's like, oh, okay, it's end of my shift. Bartender's going to slide me one. That's cool. But the boat, it was seasonal.

So in the wintertime, I had to do something else. And I eventually got a job at Rockefeller Center in a restaurant down there where the ice skating rink is. And I happened to live a gloathe. a block away at the time. I couldn't have been closer. And I took this job that I had to be there at six in the morning for breakfast and lunch. You know, people like Al Roker are coming in for breakfast. Conan O'Brien loves a tall blonde, let me tell you. And it was great because I could, it kept me on track. I knew I had to get up early. I could have the afternoon to go to the gym or to go to an audition. and it kept me in a really great place physically and mentally.

And that's where I met my husband John. He was a manager that would come in at noon for the lunch and evening shift. So our paths crossed a little bit and through a little flirting here and there, he actually picked up a pay phone one day and left a message on my answering machine asking me out on a date. So we hit it off right away, and he was in the process of trying to figure out what he was doing. He moved back to Florida for a little bit. I booked a national tour that took me out on the road for a little while, so we were apart. But eventually, we did both end up back in New York, and we got married in October of 99.

It'll be 25 years, which I can't even hardly believe, wow. Yeah. So we started our life together, and drinking was, you know, it was something we did on occasion. It wasn't a huge thing. He's never been a huge drinker. He's the kind of guy that could have a glass of wine. For me, even when drinking wasn't like a huge part of my daily living, when it was there, it was always something that I could not moderate.

There was never one or two glasses for me. Early on, from the time I took a first drink maybe when I was 15 years old, like that just was that was just the way that I drank. And this memory came to me recently. We were at a Yankees game. This is years ago before we started our family. And there was a group of guys behind us. And one of the guys, they were all drinking.

And I remember the one, he said there was this one guy that wasn't drinking. And they said, you know, come on, why aren't you drinking? We're all drinking. Why aren't you? And I remember he said, because I can't have just one. And I remember hearing that. And I remember thinking, oh, my God, that is me. That's me. I've never heard it put that way before. So it was a part of our lives. We would take wine tasting classes and we took a trip to Napa. And once once we were, we were, wine started creeping into my life. It became something that I liked and something that I looked forward to. We had our children. My kids are now 21 and 17. And when they were little, it wasn't really possible to be a heavy drinker because the demands of that, I was stay-at-home mom.

He was working crazy hours to get to the point where we are next. where he doesn't have to. And the drinking really wasn't too much of an issue until my kids got to be like, you know, middle school years and got to be more independent. And I could kick back and drink a little more. And then I was enjoying white wine and not too much vodka yet. But at one point, like around 2010 at a class reunion, I had flavored vodka for the first time. That was about when that was getting really popular and I thought, wow, this is pretty good. Of course, it was not good the next day. Yeah, as we raised our family, things started to become more stressful. Teenagers are stressful. My daughter had a point in her life where her mental health was playing a role that was

really hard to deal with and it caused me to start drinking more. And I would go into my doctor and and have some visits where I'd see my liver enzymes would be up, and my doctor would say, take three weeks off from drinking, come back, and we'll retest. And that was probably around 2016, 2017, when that first occurrence started happening. Yeah. Well, and what's that like? They do the blood work, and then they mentioned to you like, hey, this is a little bit, are you drinking too much or anything? Like, they asked a question with that, and then we're like, Oh, no, definitely not. Or did you?

They do. Yeah. And I remember saying, no, I mean, I don't think I'm drinking anymore than the next guy. But your liver enzymes don't lie. If they're elevated, there's usually a reason. As my kids grew older and really, man, 2018, 2019, this sober curious started playing in my head. Like, I started hearing about it. I bought that book, this sober curious, and I thought, this is really interesting, this term.

And it was worth getting, for lack of a better word, curious about. Because in the back of my head, I always thought, this is probably not something you're going to be able to do for the rest of your life. I really did. My uncle, my dad's brother during that time died from alcoholism, my grandpa's son. he was 47 years old and had a son and you know little things like that started creeping into my head as I got older and in about 2018, 2019, I started reading more and thinking about it and I got into the one year no beer, those guys. I heard a podcast with Andy Ramage and Rich Roll. You know,

podcasts weren't what they are now. five, six years ago. And I got the book. It was a 28-day break from alcohol. And I read it, and I was like, I'm going to do this. I get seven days, no, get maybe 17 days. God, it was hard. And in 2019, the fall of 2019, I was upstate at our cabin. And I was up late watching a football game. I am from Wisconsin. I do bleed green and gold. Just a side note. And I was up late watching this game.

I went back and looked at my notes from when I was a part of that community. I drank two bottles of wine and two big vodka lemonade. And I woke up the next morning feeling like death had warmed over. And I looked at myself and I was puffy and bloated. and I looked like shit, I took a selfie, and I said, that's it. That has got to be it. I cannot do this anymore. And I leaned into that community as much as I could, which really wasn't a community. It was like a Facebook group and daily emails and videos. But I read a ton of quitlet. I didn't even know what the term quitlet was. I read a ton of books. I started exercising

walking at least. And I felt great for four months. Oh my God. And then on March 12th, 2020, exactly four months of me being alcohol-free, New York City became the epicenter for the COVID-19 pandemic. And it was crazy. School was getting canceled. My daughter's national track meet was canceled. I mean, you remember the NCAA basketball tournament, all of a sudden at half time, they're saying, everyone go home? Like, what a hell? So in my head, I was like, this warrants a drink, definitely. And I said to my husband, we were going out that night, I said, I think I'm going to have a beer. And he said, yeah, okay, have a beer. And then he said, do you think you can have just one. And I said, yeah. And that night I did have just one. And maybe a few more days went by,

and I didn't have any. And I don't even remember when I actually went out and bought wine, but I did. And before you know it, my refrigerator and our wine cupboard was full again, and it started ramping up. At this time, I had been working with an older senior lady as has her caregiver. And we had just started right before this pandemic happens. Here I was so happy to be like out in the workforce again. I'd stayed at home with my kids for so long. And this happens and she's got to go upstate with her family because her building locks down. It was just, it sucked. It sucked so much. Eventually, I got busy making cloth face masks because one day my husband said, hey, the CDC says we're going to have to all be wearing masks.

And I have a sewing machine in my closet, and I had those skills, and I had some extra fabric. And I was like, ah, like light bulb moment. This could be fun. And I went to YouTube and looked up some, and I just started doing this and sending them to friends and family, especially like sport themed. Oh, my God. Who doesn't like to wear, right? You would have worn your hockey team across your face. I know you would have.

Yeah. I got started going with that. And then I was like, what if I try to sell these things? And I did. And I was hustling and grinding and feeling really good in that part of my life. And then it turned into, damn, I've been sewing for six to eight hours today. I'm ready to open up some wine. Five o'clock, ding, let's go. Sitting down, relaxing. That was my jam. And so then it became a reward. And it just came in. It, came in with a vengeance. Because even if I was feeling like shit the next day, I could still, it was my own schedule. I could sit at my sewing machine for two hours if I want. I could not at all. And it became a way to deal with everything going on. And in 2021, my friend T. Scott at this point had moved to Ohio. We always kept, he was always such a big part of my life. He was the man of honor in my wedding and saw both my baby's first days in the world. And when 2021 came about in the summer of 2021, we got a call John's mom, my mother-in-law, woke up one day and she couldn't feel her legs.

And they took her to the hospital and she had a massive tumor wrapped around her spine, cancerous tumor. She, earlier in that year, she was diagnosed with cervical cancer. They caught it very early on. She went through everything. She had clear scans. And this just came on out of the blue so aggressively. And she was gone 10 days later.

We lost her. 10 days. Everyone in the family had bought their airline tickets to go down and see her. and say goodbye, and it ended up being her memorial. And that was the first time in our relationship, that something that big and drastic and just the loss of her, because she was larger than life. She really was.

She was the matriarch. She was just an incredible lady. And, yeah, it was a huge loss. and to see my husband struggle with that was really hard. He threw himself into work, and, you know, I used wine and Tito's vodka, yeah, to deal with that. It was around this same time that my friend T. Scott, who had been struggling on and off with drinking. I saw him in 2018 and 2019, and both of those times, one time he had a lot of. busted up shoulder.

I knew, I didn't know at the time. I know now he had fallen. And another time he had his legs, I can't think of the term, but they were all swollen, said to the C, anyway, he was, his body was changing. And he was very good at hiding, his drinking and not being upfront and honest about it. he had a sister that confided in both me and another friend that it was not going well. And after we lost John's mom, I learned that he was, he got diagnosed with liver failure and liver disease and the writing was on the wall for him.

And it was, oh, God, it was so hard for me to wrap my head around that. Because I knew he had an issue, but I didn't know it was to the point where he was going to lose his life. And so I thought he's not going to have a long life, but he's still here. And maybe there's a way that he can turn it around, maybe getting sober. He did get sober. It was just too late. By the time he got that diagnosis, it was too late. So in April of 2022, he went into the hospital to have the fluid. drained from his body, which is something you have to do when your kidneys and your liver are not combating this disease. He was also HIV positive. So there just wasn't a chance to filter all

that out. And he went into the hospital and he had pneumonia and sepsis and he never came out. When was the last time you saw him? Did you see him? Did you see him? through this? The last time I saw him was May of 2019 because that pandemic happened. And even though we were getting the clear of the go-ahead to visit people, and he was in Ohio, and he was working with a gay men's health organization that was setting him up with housing. And he was really trying to get his life together. And he would talk about me coming out there to visit. And I was just like, just say the word, buddy. I'm ready. I'm here for you. And what's so sad is that he would say, I just want to get better before you come visit. I just want to get better. And he was on a transplant list

and everything. He was vocalizing to me. We spoke all the time. He was telling me that his body was failing. His body was shutting down. But he was also so optimistic. that he might get a transplant that would save him in time. Now, in my head, I knew that even if that were to come through, I don't think he would have survived. That was a big loss for me. It was my mother-in-law and then my best friend and his light. Oh, my God, it shone so brightly.

And then it was gone. And I felt completely good. I wasn't sure how to operate. And even while he was dying in the hospital, even before he got to the hospital in my head, I thought, maybe this is like the thing that does it for you. Maybe it's going to take losing your best friend to something like alcohol for you to say, what are you doing, Melissa? I thought about visiting him when he was in the hospital on a respirator for a week before he passed. And I thought about visiting him,

just for my own selfish reasons, to see what a dying person with this disease looks like. I did not go see him because I know he wouldn't have wanted me to see him like that. So in my head, he will always be how I last remembered him. And we were on vacation in Florida celebrating a friend's 50th birthday together. Anyway, I threw myself into feeling like I could just do anything I want with my life after he passed. And I remember in the kitchen one night, it was just my son. My daughter was at college, my son and my husband, and I made dinner.

And I don't remember what it was, but it was not good at all. I was trying to go through the motions of being okay. And I said to my husband, oh, God, I can't do this. I broke down. I said, I just can't. Can we order a pizza? And he said, yeah, of course we can. Let's order 10 pizzas.

So that, to me, that was like pushing my fuck it button, was like, let's order a pizza. Let's order Chinese food. Let's order tacos. Let's order a fucking shitload of desserts because that's what I want. oh, and let's wash it down with lots of wine. And that's what I did. I did that for the next 15, 16 months until the summer of 2023. And I started getting that voice in my head started to grow louder and louder about,

man, this is not working. I was waking up in the morning feeling like, what if I didn't get out of bed today? I've never had those feelings in my life. I've watched friends, my mom, I've watched a lot of people go through depression. And I always thanked myself that I wasn't one of them, like legit, because I could not relate. And I'd be the one to say, come on, snap out of it, pull up your bootstraps and let's go. and here I was lying in bed, hungover, feeling like absolute shit, not sleeping, sweating, profusely, having these thoughts of what if I didn't get out of bed, having thoughts of,

I'm waking up again, by the grace of God, I'm waking up today, what am I going to do with this day? I'd go see my client, my old lady, downtown at Chambers Street. I'd be hung over. I'd slip into the McDonald's and shove bacon, egg and cheese biscuits in my mouth, and those greasy potato patties. And I'd stop by and get a, you know, everything bagel loaded with cream cheese and just, like, sabotaging myself. I wouldn't look in the mirror.

I avoided the mirror. I hated what I saw when I did look in the mirror. And Brad, that was not me, all right? Like, for me to turn into a person that didn't like herself. And I knew exactly why. I knew exactly why. But I couldn't get out of it. It was that rinse and repeat constantly.

So in the summer of 2023, I had to go see my doctor. The only reason I went to see her is because I needed a prescription filled. I had been pre-diabetic for the past 10 years or so. And I'd gotten away with the pharmacy filling it when they shouldn't have, right? So I didn't have to go see my doctor. Here it was. My prescription was running out.

I had to go see her. I booked that appointment, I think, in June for August, in my head saying, I can get my shit together before that for sure. I can start eating better. I can start exercising. I can go in there at least a few weeks. If I stopped drinking a few weeks before that appointment, I'll be golden. Guess what?

I couldn't stop drinking until one day before that appointment. And I went into that appointment. And for some reason, I felt like if I can't talk to anyone else about this, maybe I can talk to her about it. And I changed that form number. How many drinks do you drink per week? Five to seven, right? How many of us put that five to seven?

That was a Thursday night for me, you know? So I changed it to 20 to 25 or 25 to 30. And I laid it out for it. I said, I didn't go into how bad I was feeling in the morning because honestly, as the day would go on, I would feel better. That's the typical thing, right? And then you pour alcohol on yourself again. So I didn't express that I was having those feelings in the morning,

but I did express that I thought I was drinking too much. And she remembered, you know, my liver enzymes going up in the past, and she remembered what kind of groups I was clued into, the one-year-no-beer group, and she's a very attentive doctor, and she didn't judge, and she didn't reprimand. She just listened.

We talked about, what about AA? I don't think so. What about Naltrexone? I'd never even heard of Naltrexone. And she said, let's do your blood work. Let's see what happens. And the next day, I got the blood work results back and no bueno. Really bad. My cholesterol was high. My A1C, my glucose was 6.6. So borderline diabetic.

My blood pressure was high. I was the heaviest I've ever been. My liver enzymes. And I always like to say this out loud because there's someone out there listening right now. Those numbers, there's two different numbers. The normal range is like 5 to 30, 5 to 35. One of mine was 195, and the other one was 311. I consider myself a gray area drinker. There was absolutely nothing gray about those black and white numbers. This did not surprise me.

I knew it wasn't going to be good. I mean, those liver enzymes were like, holy shit what are you doing what are you doing with your life that was 51 years old she said in an email this is the worst it's ever been for you and i'm going to have to put you on medication a statin blood pressure am i going to be diabetic am i going to have insulin i'm going to have to do all these things unless you make drastic behavioral changes. Three words that I still think about today. It gets me super emotional because those three words forced me to wrap my head around what I was doing with my life or not doing with my life. And I said, okay,

Put up or shut up. You've got a choice. And she wanted to see me again within three months. I booked that appointment for three months later. I had an appointment booked with a weight specialist to talk about diabetes. I had all these appointments booked. And I said to myself, this is a sign that it's enough. It's got to to be enough now. You can either live a life like you've been living and now be on medication, or you can make some drastic behavioral changes. And so I did, literally. I laced up my shoes. I started moving my body. I listened to your podcast. I walked in that first month about 100 miles. I went back and looked. The month before, I think I walked 16 miles. I would start out on a walk and I took a bus home because I was so gassed and winded. I leaned into everything I could,

podcasts, books, television movies, you name it. And God, for the first 10 days, I had a raging headache all day, all night. I started putting one foot in front of the other. And, you know, 10 days grew into 20, grew into 30, grew into 40. And I went back to see my doctor three months later as a completely different woman. She looked at me and thought I was maybe getting Ozempic on the black market. Wow. I mean, that's such an incredible story that you share there about how you're motivated and everything too and especially your relationship with T. Scott and how I'm just listening to that story and just, I'm in the background, maybe putting some more of the pieces of the puzzle together about how we keep the secret, how we feel the heaviness of the shame and the stigma about, hey, we're struggling with however we shape it up, whether struggling with being an alcoholic or whether we're struggling with drinking too much or,

we're struggling with this, but I think we have this like internal voice and I think you shared about it there that like, this is not going to get me to where I want to be. This is really going against everything that I really feel internally and every day that we choose to just continue to pick up the drink and wake up and feel terrible and we all can probably in one way or another relate to that cycle. I think it needs this way and then that secretive part of it as well. And not that we're like keeping it a secret from people and maybe that's part of it, but I think it just really weighs on us that this is something. And I went through this stage where I was just like, you're just a loser. You're just not strong enough to figure it out. You just don't have

what it takes as a man or as a young man to figure it out. And then I think when you go through that too, it can really destroy our self-esteem, our confidence, and really why make those changes. We're really touched by, you know, and I've heard you talk about T. Scott before. It really touched by that about how it, you know, how it plays out at the end. And, you know, from what I've heard, too, is it's a really tough way for things to end. And it can be sudden as well. You know, some people I've talked to here on the show, you know, maybe one week or two weeks or a month before. I mean, they were drinking heavy. And it was, but, you know, it wasn't really expected for things to go the way they were. I mean, I'm really curious, right? Because I think that, like you mentioned

there, there's a lot of people, Melissa, that are in that spot where, where drinking is sort of a catalyst. And of course, you know, I think that drinking can encourage sort of the unhealthy eating and we're not exercising. I mean, come on. We're spending so much time drinking. You know, in the evenings, I see people in the neighborhood, they, you know, after dinner, they go out for a walk, right?

I'm thinking, like, when I was drinking, come on, you got to be kidding me. After dinner is okay or during dinner or whatever it is, we've got to get into the flow of things. And then we have all these plans and that we just do it all tomorrow. And it just builds up. but I'm really curious to see how that decision process took place for you, for somebody who's in that spot. I mean, how do you go all in on the other way and just, you know, turn things?

And I think maybe it can be assumed that it all happened right in that moment. But I think it was maybe a longer time coming, right? Things were getting heavy to carry on your own. Yeah. You mean before the doctor's appointment? Those thoughts were creeping in. They were, I'll tell you what, like a few months. before this doctor's appointment, I had a niece at one point. We were at a family friend gathering

outside beautiful weather. My daughter overheard her cousin, my niece, say out loud, Aunt Melissa never does anything fun at these things. She just sits around and drinks. And my daughter tells me this. And she tells me this not in the sense that, Mom, you should do something about that. She tells me in the sense that defending me, they don't understand this is how you relax. They don't get that this is, you've worked hard all week and this is what you deserve. And that to me scared me. That really scared me. It happened again the weekend right before I quit.

Again, same situation. A lot of empty bottles when we left after the weekend. And my niece had something to say. my daughter in the car ride on the way home, said, God, I'm so sick of everyone thinking you're an alcoholic. And I was like, oh my God, oh my God. That just sent a shiver up and down my spine. And it wasn't normal. It wasn't normal for my daughter to be defending my drinking, because it wasn't an issue. It was a big issue. And so when this happened, And with the doctor, those results, I just, when I wrapped my head around the fact that I'm not a normal drinker,

I'm that guy sitting in the Yankee Stadium telling his friends, I can't have just one. Because it's true. And when I wrapped my head around that and when I accepted it, and of course I had been following, you know, some sober Instagram, and of course these little whispers were building up. And I had gotten to the point where I was like, this has got to be my life. This has got to be my life because what's the alternative? I didn't know who I was, Brad. I was losing myself.

And that was so scary. Here my kids are getting to an age. They're going to leave my home. And what am I going to be doing? Am I going to be sitting on my couch, chugging wine, scrolling Instagram and watching stupid television? It was, it scared the shit. out of me. I didn't want that for my life. And so I decided with every day that passed, with every

day that I felt better, that I deserved a better life. I deserved that. I had always been taken care of my kids, my family, my husband. I had been taken care of everyone except myself. And I said, enough's enough. I'm the most important person here. It's my life. And I'm going to move forward with it. And I'm going to be a fucking badass at it. And you are. And I have been. And I continue to be.

Yeah. I mean, so powerful. And I think that decision part of it is a huge thing, right? Because a lot of times we're like, one foot in, one foot out. We're hanging out on the fence. And we stay in the same spot. And, you know, these days turn over. I mean, it's wild to, I think, share some of our stories sometimes and realize how

five years of we're going to do something tomorrow just goes by, you know, it's, whoa, where did that all go? And I think that decision is really good for when people go all in. And I think that what you mentioned there too is so powerful too about in one way or another. I mean, you got honest about where you were at. Like enough of, maybe I'm fooling everybody else. And, you know, but I think at some point, it's hard to fool ourselves. I think at some point we see through our own bullshit and say, you know what, I'm not headed to where I want to go anymore. And you've had all these other experiences of people who have lost their life because of this thing and not forecasting your future or anything, but it's like, hey, you know, maybe where

I'm headed is not too far off track of where some people started. And I mean, what a hundred percent, 100 percent hit it right on the head. That is exactly it. I could, I was fooling everyone. I'm a high functioning woman. I mean, and when I removed it and when I started coming out, as an alcohol-free person, I got a lot of, I never thought you had a problem. I got a ton of that. And I was like, of course you wouldn't, because I kept my shit together, because I know what I'm doing,

because I could show up for things. I could show up for my family. I could do this and that and the other. You weren't living inside my body. You weren't living inside my head. Not only was this affecting me physically, it was affecting me mentally. Like you weren't inside of me. So my decisions are totally because of how I was feeling. Yeah. And I think that's what we have to really pay attention to on this journey. Because a lot of times we will, you know, earlier on, we hear it all the time, right? It's like a measuring stick. John's got this or Joe's got that. Look how bad that. I mean, that's there. I'm not there yet. And I think that's what we really have to hone in on. I mean, internally, how do we feel about ourselves? And all of us might not

experience those external, you know, consequences in a sense. But like you brought up, you know, so many times here, mental health deteriorates. And it's really hard to feel, you know, good about ourselves when you start every day, just feeling in serious pain. And I think, too, in your story, and I hear in a lot of stories, and I can relate to it in a sense, I think we got to go through some shit, you know, I hate that part about it. I really do because people reach out all the time, Melissa, like, how do I get sober? How do I do this? How do I do this? And, you know, it's not something you want to lead with. But I think we got to go through some pain to motivate the change in a sense to say, hey, this is the life I was living in. I can't do this anymore. And I got to do

whatever it takes to get started. What were those first couple months like for you when you first started out? They were, you know, I didn't, I mean, I'm lucky enough. I feel in the sense that I I am older. I was 51 at the time. So going out isn't like a thing for me in my home. Like I just couldn't have, I couldn't have certain things in my home. Like I said, I just, I moved my, the thing that worked for me. And this might not be for everyone else. I was like, if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it. All right? I'm not going to quit drinking and start eating ice cream every night, which there's nothing wrong with that. I totally get that. I'm going to move, I'm going to move my body, and I'm going to get it going. And it happened very quickly for me, where I started feeling

better. And I'm looking at old pictures and, you know, I'm looking in the mirror and I'm looking at old pictures. And I'm like, wow, there's something going on here. And I felt so good. I mean, there is not a better feeling in this world than feeling good in your skin. nothing better in your head and your skin. I felt like my body and my head were aligned for the first time. I mean, I can, like I said, I can fake anything, but inside it was awful. For the first time, things were aligned, and I felt so good, and I was so happy. So it just propelled me. It propelled me more. And I got to the point where I'm in a couple communities now, but they happened inadvertently. I was following Megan Wilcox on sober sisters.

I was getting emails from her. I saw that she was doing a retreat in Vermont in June, and this was like October. And I said, you know what? I'm going to sign up for that retreat because I think it's going to keep me on the right track. So I did. I gave a deposit. I was like, I can drive there. It seemed very doable.

And from there, it just grew. And honestly, what keeps me solid right now is community. I did not have that the first time I first really hard go around at this. I did not have that. I have it now in my head. I don't want to disappoint myself. I don't want to disappoint those people that are behind me, cheering me on. I don't want to disappoint my family and friends.

I've got so much going for me. And that keeps me afloat. It keeps me alive. It keeps me more than a float. It keeps me going forward. Yeah. And that's beautiful. And I think that's what, I mean, I think a lot of us can relate to that, right?

I think early on in this, oh, I want to get sober, it's, I got to do it myself. I can't tell anybody that I'm trying to get sober because what if it doesn't work out? I'll feel this way. I'll look this way. I think when we put all the chips on the table and we say, you know what, this is where I'm at in my life, like it, love it, or hate it. This is the reality. This is honestly where I'm at. And I'm going to need some help to get out of this. And I'm also going to need to be around people who have gotten out of this and can show me the map a little bit. Imagine life before

MapQuest and before, you know, all this stuff, right? You'd have to stop. I remember my grandfather driving around and he would stop at a convenience store and you would go in and you would ask for help. You wouldn't just aimlessly drive around the city. And I'm thinking like, that's what we need, right? We need some directions and we need some support. And some people when we share and when we talk, they're nodding their head to be like, yes, you know what? I've been there because when I struggled early on, I was like, I believed, I firmly believed I was the only person that struggle with this. And there's nobody else who's going to really understand this, completely burning my life to the ground.

And now here I am. And how am I going to get out of this? And then when I started to meet other people, they're like, hey, you know, I saw people that were successful and had families. and they had been through similar stuff to me. And I was like, you know what? Maybe I can figure this out. Like maybe I can do it. And I'm with you.

You know what I mean? Connecting with other people changes the game. If somebody's listening, Melissa, to this episode, I mean, they're in that spot, right? Like, they're in that spot that rinse and repeat, I think you mentioned. And the day in and day out, you know, I think we get to that spot too,

wanting nothing more than to quit, but we get to that spot where we can't quit. But we can quit at any time. You know, we tell ourselves the story. I could quit at any time, but deep down, I think we know that we can't quit. It's really tough, right? It feels you're stuck and it's just pulling us in. What would you mention to somebody who's right there?

I would say, if you have that voice in your head that's telling you something isn't right, listen hard to that voice. And start advocating for yourself. If that means getting involved in a community, if that means telling your doctor, if that means opening up to someone, do it because the opposite of addiction is connection. And we are all in this together. And I guarantee you, if you're in a group of friends and that's all you do is drink and party, I guarantee you you're not the only one thinking that this isn't working for you.

And you have every possibility to live a fulfilled and authentic life. it's going to be hard and there's lots of people to lean on and lots of things to lean into and you're worth it i would just say that you got to wrap your head around the fact that you're worth it yeah beautiful thank you so much and that's so powerful and that's i i think we're a lot of a struggle right because we just feel like we've went so far off the path i mean can we recover from this? Can we not only recover and get sober, alcohol-free, but can we also recover our life, our relationships, our careers, our friendships? And the answer to all of it's yes. You know what I mean? It's a ton of fun on this side. How long has it been for you now? I think I'm at 317 days. Just 10 and a half

months. Yeah. That's good. Yeah, ballpark's great. Beautiful, Melissa, thank you so much for really laying it all out here on the line for the next person struggling and just to keep other people going, you know, that this is all possible. Yeah, Brad, it's my pleasure. It's, and I have to say, it's just a beautiful full circle moment for me because I leaned into your podcast, man. I mean, I was walking through Riverside Park and listening to your voice and your guests. And now the fact that I'm sitting here with you today is just a beautiful full circle. So I thank you. from the bottom of my heart. Yeah, of course.

And it's always beautiful to hear from people who got something out of the show and everything like that. It's what keeps it all going. Yeah. All right. Thank you, Melissa. Thank you, Brad.

Well, there it is, everyone. Another incredible episode here on the podcast. Huge shout out to Melissa for coming on here and sharing her story with all of us. Thank you so much, Melissa. If you have a second or two to take out of your day, sent her a message over at Instagram at The Sober New Yorker. And also check out her podcast as well.

She just started a podcast recently. So exciting. So cool. So check that out. Everything you can find over at Instagram. And I'll drop all the links for that as well in the show notes below. Thank you guys for hanging out for another episode. If you have yet to leave a review on Apple or Spotify,

please jump over there and leave a review. And I'll see you on the next one.