Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Mod Sun's Path to Sobriety and Self-Discovery

Episode Date: June 12, 2024

In this episode of the Sober Motivation Podcast, Mod Sun shares his transformative journey from a chaotic childhood in rural Minnesota to becoming a successful solo artist. He discusses growing up with divorced parents, early sports ambitions, and how he looked up to Travis Barker which sparked his music career. Mod Sun opens up about his battles with alcohol, cocaine, and the turning points that led him to sobriety, and the steps he took to battle addiction. Just passing 5 years this is Mod Sun’s story on the Sober Motivation Podcast. ------------ Support Podcast Here: https://buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivation Check out SoberLink Here: https://www.soberlink.com/recover 00:00 Introduction to the Podcast 01:05 Early Life in Minnesota 05:04 Transition to Sports and Social Life 09:03 Discovering Music and High School Challenges 21:25 Substance Use and Post-High School Journey 27:44 First Band and the Influence of Bob Dylan 32:58 Joining Four Letter Lie and Pursuing a Solo Career 35:02 First Tour Experiences and Early Career 35:58 Struggles with Substance Abuse 38:37 A Dark Turning Point 43:01 The Path to Sobriety 45:08 Maintaining Sobriety and Personal Growth 48:19 The First Day of Sobriety 56:17 Embracing Sobriety and Its Challenges 01:08:10 Final Thoughts and Encouragement  

Welcome to Season 3 of the Suburmotivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible, inspiring, and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode of the podcast, Mod Sun shares his transformative journey from chaotic childhood in rural Minnesota to becoming a successful solo artist. He discusses growing up with divorced parents, early sports ambitions, and how he looked

up to Travis Barker, which sparked his music career. Maud's son opens up about his battle with alcohol and cocaine and the turning points that led him to sobriety and the steps he took to battle addiction. Just passing five years, this is Maud's son's story on the Super Motivation podcast. How's it going out there, everyone? I hope things are going well if they're not. I hope they turn around for you soon. Welcome back to another episode of the podcast.

This is a ton of fun. We're almost at 160 episodes, which is incredible. I've got a lot more in store, a lot more incredible ones. I really hope you guys enjoyed this one. This was a masterpiece to put together to make everything flow and do all those things on the back end to make the podcast really come out smooth. I want to mention that before we get started, if you're enjoying the show and maybe we've saved you from an expensive bar tab

or anything like that, please consider donating to support the show. I do everything myself from booking the guests, reaching out to people, having people booked, rescheduling, recording the episode, editing the episodes, and then creating some clips for social media. Sometimes we have sponsors, which is incredible, and sometimes we don't. So if you're in a spot where you can help out in any way, head over to buy me a coffee.com slash sober motivation. I'll drop that link as well down in the show notes. and anything will help out this entire process.

So thank you so much, and let's get to it. It was vital in keeping me accountable. It doesn't interrupt my life. It only enhances my life. People in my program swore by it. These are just a few quotes from Soberlink users. Soberlink is not just any breathalyzer. It's the breathalyzer.

Designed specifically for those in recovery from alcohol addiction. How it works is simple. You'll test at the same time every day, two to three times a day. A built-in camera will take a photo during your test so it knows it's you testing. Tamper sensors will flag any attempts to cheat, and instant easy-to-read results are sent directly to your loved ones because it's not just about proving you're sober. It's about sharing your success, establishing patterns of trust

and dispelling doubts with hard evidence. Soberlink, proof of sobriety at your fingertips. Visit soberlink.com slash recover to sign up and receive $50 off your device today. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got Mod's son with us. How are you? I'm doing wonderful today, man. I'm just getting my day started.

But I do time to take it day by day. I give myself like a good hour and a half, two hour grace period of not forcing myself right when I wake up to be like, I feel amazing. This is the greatest day ever. So I like to give myself a little bit of a grace period, hour and a half, two hours, get coffee in me. walk outside, get some movement going on. And then I kind of check in on myself and be like, all right, how am I doing today? I think I've been up about 15 minutes so far.

Hey, with all that said, man, I just want to let you know. I really appreciate you jumping on here and being willing to share your story with all of us. Of course. So growing up, I'm from, this will be the third time I'm already saying in this conversation. Minnesota, I'm from Minnesota. I grew up on a farm with no animals. So when I say that, it was just a giant, I think we had three acres of land on this really farm-style house out in a town of 300 people, maybe. It was called Corker, Minnesota.

And so that's where I spent like the first six years of my life was basically with no friends, no neighbors, running around a yard, imagination running wild. And that has been one of the things that has stuck with me my whole life. I feel like those very, like, pivotal years of when you are the age between one and six. And so those early years, you know, when I did finally go to a quote unquote like kindergarten. And when I say quote unquote kindergarten, I'm talking because like in a town of 300 people, the kindergarten is like three kids. You know what I'm saying? And we're like, yeah, in a small like back room of a church, you know what I'm saying?

For real. So, like, bro, those are years that, like, really, I think, help design the entire layout and landscape of what has helped me, you know, get to where I am a lot. And it's because I've just been living in this vivid imagination and kind of like living in a little bit of a dream world where, you know, when you don't have friends or neighbors or other kids or anyone to be social with. Like, you gotta figure out how to have fun on your own. And what that meant to me is like doing the things that a lot of young kids do where they're like,

you watch a movie and all of a sudden, I'm a superhero. You know what I'm saying? That, but I'm doing it by myself, you know? And I think due to that, I've just lived in my imagination for my entire life. You know, I'm 37 now and I still feel the same way. So those were those first years. My parents got divorced when I was six years old. my dad was a so i'm just going to preface this all dude i am a talker bro so if you get me going like

this and i start just rambling on for 10 minutes feel free to be like let's put a pin in that all right okay okay so my dad was a trucker and he owned a like warehouse that other truckers would come into town and they would stop at this warehouse and pick up the things that they needed to continue their journey, right? My mom worked for him. So when they got divorced, my dad said peace out to my mom, said peace out to his kids, and my mom went immediately to having no job.

And this lifestyle that I thought was pretty awesome as a kid of living on this giant three-acre place, you know, was a pretty cool house. I mean, I go back to it now and I'm like, yeah, that's cool. It was like a three-bedroom. It was rad. We went immediately to be, like super poor, bro, like immediately. And through the divorce, my mom got full custody of us.

And with that, she got to keep the house now. My mom getting a house to pay a mortgage on without having a job or a career because she worked for my dad, the house got foreclosed on within a couple months. And the day before Christmas, we had to move out of that house. And we immediately moved to a suburban area in Minnesota called Bloomington. Minnesota. And we went into a tiny two-bedroom apartment. It was me, mom, and me, my mom, my sister. And from there, it started this journey of being raised by my mother and my older sister. She's three years older than me. And me being like the baby of the family and also the man of the family at the same time. And, you know, so the first thing that my mom thought to do when we moved

into this suburban area, she was like, you don't really know how to be social. And at six, I don't know if you know how to be social at that point, but at six, a lot of children have at least become accustomed to being around groups of people, right? Me, not at all, man, not at all. So my mom thought at that point, I want to get you into sports. Now, if you hate them, all good, but I want to be able to put you in a situation that you kind of are forced to be around people, you know, because she could just send me to school and be like, hey, hope you go and make friends. And I could be that kid sitting in the corner that doesn't know how to talk to anyone easily. When you're in sports, you like, hey, you kind of get a father figure with sports,

right? You have a coach, right? So I was kind of getting that side. And then I'm forced to be around all these kids and you, and due to the fact that you're a team, you kind of build this camaraderie. And I think that it was, I think that it was a really good move. Like, one of the things that I would, that I'm going to do when I become a parent someday is what my mom did for me, which is like the first time I put on hockey skates, right? I went and got on the ice and I got off the ice and my mom looked at me and she was like, you are a natural, okay? And I really doubt that I put on these skates, bro, and I got on the ice and I was just like,

I really doubt that, bro. I highly doubt that. But the fact that my mom told me I was a natural, that boom, never left me, never left my spirit. And anything I did after that, I went into it believing that I was a natural. So if I saw someone play baseball, boom, get me a glove, give me a ball, I'm a natural.

This is what I do. I'm a natural at things. And I believe that my whole life. And I think those are such important things. you know, obviously, do you want to lie to your kid? No, you don't want to lie. But there is something really special about my mom saying that to me because I've always believed that I truly am a natural of things. And so I started playing sports and that was my first love. That was my first, you know, this is what my life is going to be is I'm going to be a professional athlete, you know.

I've always had since a very young age. My career goals have always been a professional in kind of the non-normal route, you know. But I was like hockey player. I'm going to be a professional hockey player, you know? That was my first thing that I believed I was going to be. And so I grew up and I spent a lot of time playing sports. I was really good at lacrosse. I was really good at hockey.

I mean, I was really like hockey was. like hockey was it for me, right? I was really good at hockey. But along the way, I found out that I was really good at lacrosse. And I was all right at baseball. I chose, again, just like hockey to be the catcher in baseball, just like I chose to be goalie. Because, again, I'm a loner at heart who grew up on a farm by myself.

So, of course, I'm by myself in the net. I'm by myself behind the plate. You know what I'm saying? But somewhere along the way, it really also clicked to me that if you're choosing to be a professional athlete, you get to be good at one sport. And that's it. And I knew that wasn't for me, man.

I really knew that wasn't for me. I really knew that I wanted to be really good at a lot of things, you know? And in this conversation, when we lead up to who I am now and all this, you'll see how pertinent that ideology was then and how I've utilized it. Now. But this is how I transition in life. So I'm 13 years old, dude. And I'm sitting there and my sister's three years older than me, right?

And this is, let's for the sake of this one say, it's 2001, okay? And I'm sitting there. And my sister who's three years older than me, who's, you know, I'm 13. So maybe I'm in like seventh, eighth grade, she's like a freshman, right? And she was the cool girl her whole life. She was straight A's captain of the cheer team, hung out with all the cool kids, right? And I was always kind of a weirdo, bro. I'm not going to lie to.

I was always very outcasty, you know? And I'm sitting there and I'm flipping back and forth between ESPN. You know, we're fighting for the remote, right? This is, again, this is 2001, kids. This is the start of dial-up internet type shit, all right? So we're flipping back and forth between ESPN. And then she's flipping back and forth between watching the band Hansen. She was obsessed with the band Hansen.

And I'm looking at my thing, and it's full-grown adults that are professionals. And she's looking at her thing that are full-grown 13, 14, 15-year-olds doing their thing in a professional level. And right then in that moment, I was like, I can see myself in these kids that are my age playing arenas a lot more than I can see. myself in these 26-year-old men on the ice. And right then and there, I was like, Mom, I want a drum set for Christmas. And my mom managed to give me like $100 shitty drum set, and I sat there trying to figure it out,

and it really was not happening. She put me, I took one drum lesson my whole life, and it was this guy who came over to our house and tried to pick up my mom, okay? And my mom's this single mom in a household. And she was like, hey, man, I'm sorry to say, but we can't keep doing these drum lessons. That freaked me the fuck out, you know?

And I was like, all right. And so drums didn't click. And I probably went two years looking at that drum tent in my basement being like, can't figure this shit out. And I'm still like playing sports at the time, right? But I had made the mind transition that like, maybe there is something for me in music, you know? And then boom, I'll say I'll hit eighth,

grade and I saw Blink 182 and I saw Travis Barker and I saw I mean I've said a million times to say it again the coolest looking human being I have ever fucking seen in my life dude tad it up wearing dicky shorts down to here sleeve sleeveless shirt that drops down to here mohawk just I'm just like yo this guy is going to make this drums work for me and so we're still in dial-up internet days, and this is the days of a platform called Kazah. It's going to take you a month, okay? Because also, if you use the internet, you can't use the house phone. You know what I'm saying? So my mom's screaming at me. Get off the internet, go be a kid, and I'm like, okay, I guess the internet wasn't that bad of an idea. It was kind of on to something. But anyways, you could preview the

amount that you had downloaded, and I would sit there, bro, like this far from the screen. And I was able to watch everything Travis Barker was doing because he's moving his hands and his feet. Whereas you're watching a guitar player, it's really hard to understand. So I could learn drums because I was watching physically him do this. And from that moment on, Travis Barker taught me how to play drums, bro, by watching everything he did. And it got me to high school. So I just ran down for, I'm looking.

I think that was 20-minute intro. So listen, but cut me off and take me somewhere else, man. Yeah. No, I love that. Thank you for sharing all that because it definitely paints a picture, right? And you said it's going to even probably paint more of a picture further down the road. I heard another show you did too, like you didn't have a backpack. You had a briefcase, you know, other things.

And maybe that was further in high school. I can't remember the. Yeah, that was high school. That was high school. Yes, that was in high school. Say, this is where the music comes in on the scene is you watching these videos with Travis and picking up on it. I mean, that was something for you to look up to, right?

Yeah. For you to work towards. I mean, where do you go from there? I mean, you start getting into high. I mean, how do you kind of find your way, navigate? Yeah, so high school starts. And, you know, I was raised by, like I said, my mother and my sister, okay? And a big popular show at the time was saved by the bell.

And everyone in Saved by the Bell loved Zach Morris. And he was a quote unquote preppy, right? That was his thing. And my mom and my sister were thoroughly convinced that's the way I should dress was I should be a preppy. And so I'm talking like all the way up until the first day of high school, I was like, dude, I was like a prep, bro, for real. I was wearing the khakis and the sweater vests and all this. And like, I see Travis Barker and I'll never forget, you know, when I'm coming off a summer

going into school, you know, my mom would let us do that like school clothes shopping thing. You know, she'd give us like 60 bucks to go get ourselves. 60 bucks could kind of get you a lot longer of a way than it can. now, okay? So maybe a couple new outfits, 60 bucks. And I was like, Mom, I want all famous stars and straps shirts, Travis Barker's clothing line. And I was like, and I want a pair of Dickies and I want a pair of vans, you know? And I completely transitioned right there going into high school. I became, you know, a quote unquote like scene kid. Now that was very like pop punky, but But in 2001, that timing around there, the scene was pop punk.

You know, it really was. Like, we hadn't hit the, like, My Chem super emo shit yet. That came a couple years after, you know, the follow-up boys and stuff like that. This was real, like, Blink 128, and then it would kind of lead you down a rabbit hole and start to find bands like, you found glory. And then that would kind of lead me into drive-through records. And then it was just everything was drive-through records. And so I had to make a decision.

right at the start of high school where I was like slated to be so I grew up like I said in Bloomington, Minnesota. And in Bloomington, Minnesota, we have a hockey, like our hockey program in Bloomington, Minnesota is where scouts from across the country come to to find pros, to find people that they're like, you could go to D1 and that could lead you to professional hockey. And, you know, I was slated to really go all the way. That really was. You know, as a goalie, I got a lot less competition, okay? But I was the man. I was the goalie that was going to take it there.

And I'll never forget, like, having to make that decision, that, like, really right at the start of high school, because that's when hockey gets super serious. It stops being, like, this kind of, like, journey that you're on, and it starts being you go to school. As soon as school is done, you go to the ice rink, you practice, and then you come home and you have to eat right, and you have to work out,

and you have to do all this shit right. And it's like, as soon as I heard all that, bro, I was like, this ain't like, this is not, I'm not committing to that. I knew there was something different for me. So I had to sit down and have the hardest talk ever with the coaches. And they were coming to pick me up and take me out to lunch and be like, this is not, you should not do this. I'm like, bro, I'm going to be an artist.

I'm going to be a drummer. They're like, no, you're not. You know what I'm saying? Legitimately, they're hitting me with the, that is so one in a million. And I was sitting across the table as a young kid talking. and grown men being like, I am the one in a million. Watch me, you know. And I quit hockey, and I immediately was a skater and a drummer in the scene.

And that was what I did. And there was no scene in the city I'm from at all. So I was the complete outcast. And when you said briefcase earlier, yeah, I was doing it fully outcast style. I was coming to school. This was the start of wearing girls jeans. Oh, I got hell. for that, bro. I got hell for that. I'm wearing tight girls jeans. I'm wearing a scarf.

And it's in 70 degrees out. I'm wearing a scarf. And I'm carrying a briefcase instead of a backpack. And I just became the complete outcast in my school. And I found some kids throughout other cities. There was like a teen center that would throw shows. And so I found that there was a few of me in these other cities around. And that's what the scene was. So when I, you know, you understand what the scene is. I'm assuming, obviously, just how we're talking, but it's hard for people to really understand nowadays.

Like what the scene was, there wasn't other people like you in your city. So you guys went to a place where all of the yous could meet up. And that's what formed a scene. You were the counterculture. And you liked certain bands. And you went to a show. three, four times a week.

And you looked at these bands that are playing to 150 kids, like they were the rolling fucking stones. You know what I'm saying? And that was the start of that journey. And all through high school, I was a drummer in a band. We were called The Semester. And I was super convinced that was going to be the rest of my life.

Yeah, wow. Yeah, no, I do remember those days. I was never part of it, but I do remember in high school when you get the high, I went to, it was a fairly big high school, maybe five, six, seven thousand people. Yeah, the jinko jeans kind of come on the scene. Definitely the vans, the chain wallets.

Yeah. I mean, I had a few pair of jinkos too. But yeah, funny what you said when $60 used to at least get you an outfit at least, right? Oh, for sure. For sure. You can get a T-shirt now. Did you deal with any, I mean, this paying the pitcher there for me, did you deal with any backlash or anything from other?

other people that didn't understand what was going on? Oh, bro, every fucking day. Every fucking day. And not only my peers in school, I'm talking my teachers, too. You know, I was looked at as the kid that was like, you just fucked up your life. You know? It was like, you were an athlete jock and you were in the right group of people and you just fucked up your life.

And, you know, this was the days again. So I graduated high school in 2005. And, you know, so from 2001 to 2005, when you're in high school, these are the days when, bro, weed was like, dude, it was like the, I mean, it was the devil. And it was like, it is not at all like it is now where you can go to the corner story. So, you know, I was looked at as like the kid who fuck us. up his whole life. That being said, I also, dude, I got the great traits from my dad, some of the bad ones, which we'll get into, but I got some of the great ones, which was like charisma. My dad could light up a room and he was a hustler. Like, he could fucking get you in the palm

of his hands. And so due to that, I kind of took everything with a smile, bro. And so I skipped more high school than I attended. You know what I'm saying? But I was like, cool with the hall monitors. You know, I'd make them laugh. And, you know, I just had this charm to me where I took it with a smile, bro, and I didn't let it kill me.

But I was met with extreme backlash, especially for the first, especially before it was accepted that I made this decision. But like I said, that first, like year, that freshman year of being like this dude just threw his life away was like, I lost a lot of my friends immediately, you know. And then furthermore, it was like, you know, all the teachers knew that I just had made this change and were like, you're going to throw your fucking life away.

Yeah. So you mentioned, too, the weed there. So, I mean, did you start getting into substances in high school then? Absolutely right. I mean, they said, don't do this. And I was like, cool. I was like, all right. You're telling me I'm the bad kid now.

all right, I'm going to be the bad kid. And I started smoking weed. And probably like the end of freshman year, I really started smoking weed. But the first day I smoked weed, I think I went, unless I was going to Europe on a flight, I think I smoked weed every day since that first day I smoked weed for about 15 fucking years, bro. Wow. Yeah. What was it like for you that first time?

I mean, what kept you going back for 15 years? The first time, I turned into the end. anti-weed commercial girl and flattened out on the couch, bro, and was like that. But I mean, I think it's strange. Now, one of the bad traits that I got from my father is like, hey, besides the fact, you know, my father died from alcohol abuse, you know. Dude, I drank my first beer. My dad gave me my first beer at five years old.

I drank a fucking Paps Blue Ribbon at five years old, full beer. You know what I'm saying? Like, my dad was a party animal, Hell's Angels, leather jacket, wore boots every day. And seeing that my whole life growing up, you know, slipped its way into my skull. That was like the lifestyle of chaos and breaking the rules and doing bad shit, right?

Doing what is looked at is bad shit. It was more of that than it was getting high. You know, I don't know if I enjoyed getting high the first time. It's hard for people to really enjoy that experience. It's a lot. It's heavy, you know? But I was just like, oh, yeah, I'm breaking the rules. This feels cool.

You know, I'm a cool kid because of that. I'm breaking the rules. This is what this type of shit. My dad did, you know? And I think it was that, bro. And, you know, that led me to also being just totally addicted to chaos. Like, that's an addiction of mine. Still to this day, I'm fucking sober, but I am addicted to chaos completely.

Yeah. It's really interesting there with the chaos part. Yeah. it is like that, you know, I mean, substance use in itself, addiction, it brings upon a lot of chaos, right? And I mean, in my story, too, I was in high school. It's funny, I graduated in 2005. I graduated high school from a treatment center, but it's still in 2005. You know, when I look back, man, I mean, different stories, different paths we obviously had. But high school was probably four of the hardest years of my life. And I really had a hard time fitting in and had a really hard time being accepted. And I was. wasn't really, you know, part of the cool crowd. And I never did well in academics. And I had ADHD and I constantly got in trouble. And I was like you.

I skipped school all the time. I was on felony probation in high school. And part of the conditions was to go to class. And I couldn't even get that right. So the probation officer was coming down on me. It was just like this whole high school thing, just like trying to learn these teenage years that constantly fighting with my parents running away from home.

And I was just a rule breaker, man. And I never could really put a finger on it. But I just could not follow rules. that other people, you know, laid out. But the biggest thing I'm working on in life is understanding that not everything is someone trying to be in authority. Yeah. I'm with you.

Yeah, I get it. I love how you said there too. It's like something you're working on, right? Because, you know, I mean, for all of us, right? It's sobriety or not. It's even when we get sober. There's still work to be done, you know, even throughout the journey about how to work on things and perspective and approaching things.

where do things go for you after high school? Yeah, so after high school, so senior year is the first time that I step outside of just weed, right? Going into senior year, right? I'm like, I try mushrooms for the first time, okay? And I try cocaine for the first time, okay? could totally already a full-on, like, love to drink alcohol. And I was in a band with these kids that grew up being, like, church musicians, right?

They were the best musicians in town. They were punks, too. But their household situation was very strict, very different than mine, you know? When my parents got divorced, we were poor, okay? And my mom got a job, the lowest level at the job, essentially an intern. And she worked her ass off. She's been retired. She worked her way up from like intern to like top of the company over 20 years.

Okay. So why I'm bringing that up is my mom worked her ass off. Not only that, but if I wanted to play hockey, right, during those times when we were poor, this is how hard my mom worked. When I was playing hockey, only to allow me to play hockey, my mom would work. my mom would work at the concession stand for free, right? She couldn't afford to have me in hockey, okay? So she would work her nine to five and then go to the ice rink

and work for free at the concession stand to allow me to play hockey. So this is how hard my mom was working. And due to that, she didn't get to be that strict parent that I'm sure she'd love to be. She had to be like, I'm sacrificing my whole life for my kids. that means I'm going to try to, you know, give them the life that they want. And then my sister was, you know, doing a lot of raising me. And she was not equipped for that.

And no girl that's three years older than her younger brother wants to do that, right? So anyways, I had a very different life than, you know, these kids that grew up, like, in church with a very, like, stationary standard household. And so I was, like, hiding these things from them. was never like, yo, I fucking try cocaine. Like, I didn't mushroom. So high school ends. And literally the day after I barely graduated, bro, I snuck by that much.

And I barely made it, bro. I barely made it. But I graduated, okay? The day after my graduation, me and my band, we got in a 12 passenger van that cost us $1,000. And we went on a full tour across the country playing shows for it. Maybe we'd get $100 sometimes, but mostly. was just to go sell merch, get on stage,

tell the fucking 30 kids that were at this local punk show that we have no place to stay and go stay at their house. And that's what we did for an entire summer straight. Throughout that summer, I'm like, yo, I can't really hide the fact this from you, but I'm playing punk shows, bro. You can see the five kids at the punk show that are like on the fucking like piss drunk punk shit, you know?

that are like, oh, we're getting fucked up, you know. We got brown bagged 40s, and, you know, we smoke weed, and obviously, too, we can get down the other way too, right? And so throughout that summer, you know, I was the bad kid again in this band of really good kids. And we got back from that tour and called me on the phone, and they were like, you're out of the band, just like that. And I was like the mouthpiece for this man.

We were going to go somewhere. We for sure were. And I was the one orchestrating all. They were much better musicians than me, but I could, like, my dad gave me, I could hustle and talk my ass off. And I was getting this in the right places, you know? And so as soon as that happened, you know, drugs and alcohol, in retrospect, looking back at it, especially the drug part. You know, in the early 2000s, like, cocaine was like, bro, this shit ain't everywhere. And, like, it's not just, like, where it is now.

I live in Hollywood. It is everywhere again. You know what I'm saying? But these kids found out that I did like cocaine and shit, mushrooms and stuff. And they were freaked out and they were like, dude, you're a bad, you're bad. You know, you're going to fuck this all up for us. Also, they were super scared because I was in a van with these guys. And like in my backpack, little do they know.

But I got like a bag of weed, a little bit of cocaine, some mushrooms. And they're like, find this shit out. And they're like, bro, if we ever got pulled over, we'd go to jail. So I got kicked out of this band. And I immediately for the first real. Real deeply, you know, went through a very deep stage of depression, right? Because this was what I was betting my whole life on throughout high school, betting everything on, you know.

I get kicked out. I go through a deep depression. And I have no money. I have no job. And I'm in my mom's garage. And growing up in Minnesota, I was, like I said, when I lived in this place called Corcoran on the farm. We lived a mile away from Bob Dylan's farm,

okay? That he still has to this day. Okay? And I would pass by this fucking farm all the time. My parents would be like, that's Bob Dylan's farm. It's Bob Dylan's farm.

Finally, though, I'm sitting in my garage and I see one of my mom's like CDs and it's a Bob Dylan CD. And I put it in and I'm smoking me and I'm hearing Bob Dylan for what feels like the first time

and I'm like, oh my God, this is like the person who's going to save me. You know? And my hero transitioned right then and there from like Travis Barker being like my idol to Bob Dylan being my idol. Right? And furthermore, it set me on this idea that I could be the one saying the words and holding the microphone.

Right. I went from speaking with my hands and my feet on drums to be like, I'm going to really speak because I love words. I've always loved poetry. I've always loved what words do for me. I'm obsessed with music and love the songwriting style of it. And also, I wanted to be a singer my whole life anyway, but everyone told me, you can't sing. They literally would tell me, you can't fucking sing.

Don't sing, you know? I would be singing with a song that's playing through the speakers, and they're like, dude, don't sing, you know? And then I find this guy Bob Dylan who, everyone, I hear people all the time, still to this day, say, dude can't sing. And I'm like, oh, one of the great, greatest artist of all time, in my opinion, the greatest artist of all time. You're saying,

this dude can't sing and he made it work for him? I was like, we got something in common. I'm going to go that route. And that put me on the path, which led me to where I am now, which is to being a solo artist that writes the songs, sings the songs. In a lot of cases, produced the songs and all that. And, you know, it took me a minute to kind of really be able to lean into who I am now, which is Mod Son. Because during that time, drums kept trying to pull me back. You know, this band Four Letter Like, that was from Minnesota that was starting to pop. They were like post-hardcore breakdowns, screaming and singing.

Very like, if anyone out there knows the band, Under oath. We were very much like Under oath, okay? And that wasn't even my style of music at all. But these guys called me, they're like, man, what are you doing? I was like, man, I got kicked out of my band. I'm sitting in my mom's garage. Listening to Bob Dylan Smunkweed. They're like, you're one of the best drummers I've ever seen.

Come join our band. We need a drummer. I joined that band. We wrote songs for three weeks, got a showcase at this place called Victory Records. We went down to Chicago, played for 30 minutes in front of all these suits, and they fucking gave us a record deal.

And then all of a sudden, I'm back in a band, and I'm playing drums again. And then I go throughout this journey in this band called Four Letter Live. We drop two albums that come out, I go to Best Buy and buy my album. You know, boom, bucket list. I always had that.

You know, got signed through a record label. Boom. Hit a bucket list. Going on tours, actually playing great big shows, still making zero fucking money, okay? Which is always, again,

where I'm like, yeah, solo artist is for me because I'm sitting here splitting $600 a night with seven people. I'm like, I don't know how I'm going to build this into something, right? I'm like, but I could, if I was solo, I could probably be, you shit,

I might be able to get an apartment someday, you know? And then this journey with Four Letter Lie goes on, and the guitar player of Four Letter Lie and myself were writing a lot of the songs at the time. we dropped our second album. We went down to Chicago to talk to the label. We felt like there wasn't any interest anymore there. And on our drive back on a mega bus,

which is like a fucking $10 bus ride that can take you from Chicago to Minnesota, the guitar player looks over me and he goes, hey, man, I think it's time for me to quit this man. And I was like, if you're quitting, I'm quitting, he goes on, and he's the guitar player every day to remember now, okay? And that's what he transitioned to do.

And I was like, all right, I was like, now is my time to do my solo career, right? So now's my time. So boom, I'm back in my mom's garage. Two years just flashing in front of me like that, I'm back in my mom's garage. And I'm really going at it this time. And I'm like, this is what I'm going to do.

And at the time, the only way for me to get by is I was dealing weed. And I was the worst weed dealer in the world. I was the worst fucking weed dealer. And I get a call from another band called Scary Kids, Scaring Kids. And they're like, come play drums for us. So I end up playing drums for them.

But on this one, I say, the only way I play drums for is if you let me open the shows is Mod Sun. And so my first tour is Mod Sun ever. Was playing these thousand person shows. Because this man's scary kids, scaring kids. Anyone out there, go look us up. We were fucking rad. And a legendary band, low-key in that scene. But I'm coming out and I'm rapping over party in the USA by Miley Cyrus and playing to hardcore kids.

And they are booing and throwing shit at me. And that's my first tour. But then I'd get off stage as Monson and an hour would go by, two hours would go by. And I'd go up there and then get on drums for Scare Kids, Scareing Kids. And everyone hated me until they saw me get back on drums. And then I'd play drums and I'd run down to the front door where my merch was for Maudsun. And they're all high-fiving me. And that started, that's where my whole career as Monson began.

It's right there. Wow. How old were you at this point? 20 going on 21. Wow. So, yeah, so a lot of stuff in there. How does the substance use go for you? I mean, are you just taking it easy here? Are things progressing for you? Oh, no, definitely progressing. You know, once, so then the scary kids, scaring kids gig, and they ended up stopping his band, and I'm full on Maudson. And basically, you know, once I turned into a solo artist for real who would lock themselves in a studio,

So cocaine became my best fucking friend and I was still living in Minnesota and I was, you know, from essentially the first line in cocaine I ever did, I always knew this shit was going to kill me. I always knew it. I really did. And I always felt shame doing it. But that was my drug of choice for a decade, you know, was cocaine. And the cocaine use started to get stronger and stronger because cocaine's a funny little friend to have because, you know, when you first start doing it, you know, you pull it out at a party, put it on a table, and you and five people are like, oh, this is a good time. And it slowly becomes the thing that you're in the bathroom by yourself with, and you walk out of the bathroom, and you tell everyone, I didn't do anything. What are you talking about? I didn't do anything. And it turns into this really dark fucking dark vice to have. And it was becoming darker. And the second that I moved out to California, that was when it all took a turn for me. and I just became a full-blown addict where I would get an eight ball

and I would get an eight ball pretty much every two days I would go pick up a new eight ball and I would stay up for days at a time and I did the typical thing where you do cocaine for two days straight and then you think the only way to fall asleep is to grab a bottle of Jack Daniels

and slam it so you can fall asleep you know and I just kept going down that journey and I spent you know the next 10 years like I said I'm an addict so I like to do everything it's not even necessarily the addiction it's more the addiction to being the best at it so like yo yo I do cocaine I'm gonna be the best at it I fucking I drink whiskey I'm gonna be the best at you know and it it started to really take over my life that there was you know points in my life where it was ruining relationships I was in you know one of a really great relationship and

my life was totally rude for me trying to hide my cocaine addiction, staying up all night, being more in love with drugs than I was in love with this person. And it started to ruin relationships. And then it slowly started taking over my life. And then there was a really big turning point where everything went fucking dark for me. And this story is a little fucked up. So if there's anyone out there who feels the need to switch off or skip ahead, feel free. This story involves a little bit of gruesome.

So I'm at my house one night, and me and my father have had this turbulent relationship our whole life. Essentially, I was like his father. He would live with me, you know? I'm out in California. Within two years of moving out to California, I get a call from my dad's girlfriend that's, yo, your dad's in the hospital. You need to come see him. So I drive down to Long Beach.

I show up to the hospital. She hands me a suitcase and he can't come back to my house. He's yours now, okay? and at that point right there a doctor was like, yo, if you take another drink you're gonna die, okay? No, one more drink and you could die, okay? And so he was put into my care.

I take him back to my house up in North Hollywood. He's living on my couch. We're fucking partying together. I'm not letting him drink, you know, and I'm sure he was a little time, but I'm like, you can't drink. And they're like, the doctor didn't tell me I couldn't do cocaine.

I'm like, you're right. He didn't. And so me and my dad are sitting there doing cocaine together and he was my friend more than anything we're like best friends you know and still living with me i go into his room one day i find a plastic gallon of vodka under his bed and i'm like bro you got to go you got to dip you're out kicked you out my house so he left and he had this parrot his whole life this african-grate parrot and he was always like yo when i died my bird is yours you know

that was like spoken he had this bird before he had me as a kid you know so one day i get this call and I'm up, fucked up in my house, and I get this call from him and I ignore it and he leaves a message and I have his feeling to check this message and I go check this message and it says, hey, something came up, you know, my bird is yours. That was like our code for, you know, he's checking out, right? So I get in my car and I started driving on Long Beach, driving as fast as I can. North Hollywood to Long Beach, right? You know, it was probably 1 a.m., so it didn't take as long as it could have and on my way

down there. I'm calling me, find the answers, and he's, you better just turn around, man. It's already lights out. I already did the deed. Like, I'm out of here. I'm like, man, just chill. Don't do this. Just stay on the phone with me. He hangs up. Well, show up to Long Beach, kick down the door. I find him in a pool of his own blood. He'd slit his wrist. And I call the ambulance, call the cops. They pull up. They save his fucking life. You know, they save his life. Had I not shown up that night, I think he would be dead because he was completely wasted. There's blood completely flowing out of his body. He was passed out when I got there. So I show up. They take him to the hospital. I go to the hospital and covered in his blood, you know.

And I'm like, listen, dude, like, he's completely out of it, you know, so it wasn't the right time to have any conversation. But I'm like, I'm here for you. I'm going to help you, blah, blah, blah. I leave the hospital. And I call him the next day and I'm like, dude, I'm like, the second you get out of this hospital, they let you out, let me send you somewhere, you know? Like, I'll take care of this. Let me, like, let's get you better, you know. And he's like, man, fuck that. That was just a rough night, blah, blah, blah, and denied that. And, you know, my mom had called and was like, yo, this is two days later. My mom said, you really need to apologize to your son. And he was like, man, I was drunk. I don't even remember doing this. And I had to cut my dad out

of my life at that point. And the sight that I saw that night had never, to this day, has never left, you know, when I close my eyes very often, I see it. But that sent me down the really dark path. And that was the turning point in my life where I went dark. And I stopped communicating with people. And I had a mound of cocaine on a tile. And I was exiling everyone from my life and was just completely spinning out. And I had to, you know, really be checked on by certain people.

You know, my mom had to just really actually come out here. without speaking to me. She had to come out here. And, you know, people started to straighten me out a little bit, little and little. You know, I tried to get help from certain places and tried to do a stint in rehab, and none of it worked for me. And I continued partying. But that dark phase really sent me on a path of what led me to finally getting sober, you know.

And what led me to finally getting sober was, you know, I went through a really hard breakup that, you know, bled into the media. And so not only was it something a part of my life, but the whole world was watching this happen. And it really, it did, it really fucked me up. And it can sound a little lame, but like, I enjoyed the honesty of it. But yeah, you know, the extra eyes on seeing me

and in this way, like really fucked me up, man. And I went on like a 10-day bender, bro, like a literal 10-day bender. And I started adding in the, cocktail of drugs, which was everything except pills and needles. You know, those are two things that I've never gone down the route up, right? But I'm on the cocktail of drugs, and this is when Whippets started getting really popular. So I'm five years now, so this would have been pretty much exactly five years ago. I'd pretty much just turned five years sober. And, you know,

I'm ketamine, and I'm tons of cocaine and drinking and Whippets and Molly and acid and, you know, just lining them up for 10 days straight, dude. probably slept maybe 10 hours and 10 days. And really pushed it to the limit. I wasn't staying in my house. I came back to my house. I had this plate of cocaine under my sink. I grabbed it.

I did a huge line. My eyes rolled back into my head. Fell over onto my bathroom floor. One of my really good friends found me on my floor. Brought me back. And that was the moment that I said, I can't do this anymore. I just got a second lease on life.

This was really when I felt like I checked out. And that was the moment. was it. That was when I finally, that day, went cold turkey and got sober and started actually, you know, doing the proper channels to get sober and actually joining a community of sobriety. Yeah. Thanks for sharing all that, man. I mean, a heavy story for sure, but it really paints a good picture of how you ended up here. I mean, did you notice as your career picked up that the usage like cocaine and partying and stuff picked up with it as well? I would say yes and no, man, because, you know, I was always the one with it.

So if anything, I was like the bad influence. You know what I'm saying? I was like the bad influence that got some of my close friends into that world, you know? I was always on a journey to be like a party animal, bro. And so I was always, like I said, out partying everyone. And so it was more like that was a goal of mine always was to be the one going harder than everyone else. So it wasn't like I felt like this outside influence from people. If anything, I would find like a kinship with someone else who liked to get fucked up.

Right. But I felt more of anything like I was the bad influence on a lot more people than they were on me. Yeah. No, fair enough. Do you mention that too there with the breakup and then it sort of, you know, goes out into the media and everything? I mean, that's nothing I've dealt with at all. But, I mean, what is that struggle where you have people watch and sort of every move? And then when you're struggling with this as well.

It makes the quote unquote, like paranoia or insecurity factor completely heightened, you know? As soon as, I mean, dude, look, man, like, I used to look much different than I do now. I think I've kind of cleaned up pretty well. But if you look at a picture of me from five years ago, I look 10 years. older than I do right now, right? And, you know, I was dating a beautiful actress at the time, let's say, and I was being called, like, look at this crackhead, look at this fucking drug addict, you know what I'm saying? They were able to really kind of pin it. They were wrong with the crackhead, but they were right with the drug addict. And, you know, that became like this, like, heightened,

really, like, insecurity level, whereas I kind of had this, light of confidence around me, a lot of my life. I really did. I was very confident in the fact that I'm me, no one else is like me. I believe so firmly in the law of attraction and the manifestation world and all that and really live that like I have this light around me and I am me and everyone loves me, you know? And as soon as that kind of lifestyle was put on me of being in the public eye in a different level of not just my fans, it's one thing when you have fans and you're in the public eye, right? Because those people essentially fucking love you, okay?

It's when you're in the public eye with a bunch of strangers looking at you. That's when it became, oh shit, I'm really polarizing. You know, you either love me or hate me. There is no in between. There isn't, that guy's all right. It's, I hate that guy or I love that guy, you know? And I mean, that made my confidence level

and my security level completely changed. It completely changed it, you know? And I felt like I had to live up to other people's standards. now and not my own. Yeah. No, that makes it. That makes a lot of sense. So May 11th, right? That's when Yes, sir. Yeah, May 11th, five years. I mean, what does that first day look like? Because you've been living this other life for a while before you decide to get sober. You have those string of events that maybe push you to the edge of like insover. What was that first day going into it? This decision I'm making. I mean, how do you operate differently moving forward? I'll tell you exactly,

man, I have this, you know, I think that my outlook on the community that this is, I think I have another take on it, which I like to share and be open to share, because, you know, the community of sobriety can be scary to a lot of people. Like, it can really, it can feel like there's a lot of fucking rules. Yeah, really rigid, right? Yeah, yeah. And, you know, you can't do this, you can't do that, you need to do this, you have to do all this. And it's like, you know, I, kind of took it on as being like, the most important part is me getting sober and how that remains is up in the air to what works for me, you know? And I'll tell you what the first day was like, man, I did something that is a kind of a no in the community. And I said, look, I've been doing

this career for half my life. And I don't feel fulfilled, okay? I want to really feel like I made it. Okay, another really hard term to define making it. You know, you have to define that yourself, okay? Making it is not something that someone could say, get here and you made it, right? And, you know, the definition to me was definitely like, I am an artist and I want my art, I want my music. I want it to be big, man.

I want the dreams that I've had to come true my whole life. I've gotten very close, but I never got it. And I made that day, that first day, what I like to call the Great Trade, bro. And I said, look, you know, right when I got sober, so this was kind of before I entered the AAs and the like sobriety community, because we're talking first day. But I always had a connection with the universe.

So now if I was talking to my higher power, I would say God, right? Because sobriety really put me in the perspective of accepting God into my life and being like, it is God, right? Before it was like, I don't really know what I believe in, but it's the universe. I believe there's something else. So first day, I'm like, yo, I'm going to make this great trade. I have felt shame every day for a very long time. Because every line of cocaine I did, I was like, this is going to kill me.

And I do not want that to be my legacy. My legacy is not to overdose, okay? I don't want all the people that love me in this world to say he went out ODing. Okay? And I just about did that. and I have been carrying around this suitcase of shame and a lot of it's trauma filled this suitcase of shame

and I'm going to trade in this suitcase and I'm going to pick up a toolbox okay and I'm going to fucking fix my life I'm going to get these tools I'm going to put in the work but I want to make a trade with you God so this is how I talk now and I want to show you that I deserve it and I want to stop blocking my blessings by carrying this shame.

I'm going to let go of this shame. And due to that, I want to show you that I'm worthy of your blessings. And you know what I want, you know, when I started my solo career, I was like, dude, I want to get, you know,

I grew up in an era where it was like a million dollar record deal. That would, you would have made it. That was one thing I always wanted my whole fucking life, dude. So that's one of the things. You know, I want a million dollar record deal. I want a record deal that makes me,

me fulfill this childhood dream that I had. And I'm not saying that this is the right way to do it for anyone else. And I'm not saying that it should be a monetary thing. This dream and goal that I had has nothing to do with a million dollars. It has more to do with fulfilling a childhood standard that I gave myself, you know? And I want my career to really take off. And I want to, you know, perform on a late night show that I used to, my dad used to take me. And I had these like bucket list of dreams that I never got.

And I told God, I said, I'm going to make this great trade and I'm going to put down these drugs. But I want my blessings, man, because I've been blocking them for a long time doing this. And whether or not that's okay to do, I did that, bro. And I committed to that to believing that my life and my fulfillment and my desires that I have. And this could be painted by anything that anyone out there wants. So when I tell this to other people, and I found that this ideology really does help a lot of fucking people. And when I tell this to them, dude, your desire could be to have your own apartment, your desire could be to get married and have a family. That could be your great trade.

Okay. But I asked for something in return. Okay? And that's what I did on the first day is I said, I want something in return because I'm going to put in the work and I'm going to do this. And I know this should be a self-fulfilling prophecy. To get sober is to change your life. But I don't think it's a problem to ever ask for something as well. I don't.

You know? And look, man, like, if I had never had those things happen at this point still, it wouldn't cause me to go in a cycle to be like, man, I'm going back to this life. I didn't get it. I would believe that it's always coming, you know? And on that first day, that's what I did is I said to myself, I'm making a great trade. and I want to see my dreams come true because I know that I have been blocking my blessings

and I've been telling you that I'm not worthy just by having all this shame built up. And I've been telling you that I'm not worthy of the blessing. And I put in the work and sure enough, like these things started to appear in my life, bro. And I accredited all, you know, I am a career-oriented person. I am a workaholic. I may always be like that my whole life. I don't know, you know. I don't know where my journey goes and where the levels of importance go.

But what I chose to have, I saw my career go from this to this, bro, by getting sober. And without doing that, it would have never fucking happened. Yeah. I mean, I love that the way you put that about you set this goal out there of your childhood dreams of these goals you want to achieve. And what I'm thinking about when you're sharing that too is if you are to achieve those, sobriety is probably going to have to be in the mix to get to that level. So, I mean, I think that's incredible. And not only that, brother, but I was handed those things.

And at my place right now, okay, I am fully, I am indebted to you, God. I will never go back. And again, bro, these are all things that people have to tiptoe around when you're talking sobriety. I don't do that. I am totally fine if you have viewers out there that are like, bro, you are saying some shit that you should not be saying. Right? Because I'm just telling you what worked for me. And if there's one person out there that can take these things and make it work for them too, that is amazing.

Okay. Like, I am indebted to sobriety. I am indebted to the gifts that I was given. I will not go back. I am dedicated and I am fully indebted to the fact that I was given the life that I always wanted because of sobriety. Yeah. You know? For sure.

And like furthermore, like here's the other, you know, caveats of that statement that you just asked on what was the first day like. I can tell you exactly what the first 30 days were like. And here's another thing that people would probably say, not say is that like, dude, I told myself I am going to go out every single day for the next 30 day sober. I am going to go to all the places that I would go fucked up. I am going to go out to bars. I'm going to go out to parties. I'm going to stay up late. I'm going to hang out with all the same people. Okay. And I am going to build up the discipline. And I'm also going to be fully convinced in my head that getting sober doesn't mean having less fun. Okay. I am going to

build that up. And yeah, listen, man, I got great discipline. But you know what? Addicts have great discipline. If you can fucking dedicate yourself to getting fucked up every day, you can become president with that discipline. Okay? There is no discipline like an addict has. Period. I will go to my grave believing that. The amount of discipline it took for me to every day go meet up a random plug off of Las E.Naga in a parking lot at 3 a.m. and stop in an ATM to get cash and traded to them in a sketchy-ass parking lot for a little Ziploc bag, bro, that is discipline.

You transfer that to something else. That ain't shit you can't do. And so I fully believe that part of my ability to be the voice that I have to people that follow my journey of sobriety and have been able to help out because I am not a person who has been done. closed off about this journey, you know, and I have people come up to me at every show I play. I have people send me messages every day and I have comments on anything I post that are like,

you helped me get sober, okay? And it is because of things that I've said, yo, I would go out and I would be standing next to my best friends who are holding bottles of Jack, doing whatever, and I'm sitting there with the Shirley Temple and I'm having more fun than all of them. Yeah. I did that every day for 30 days, you know, I went out and did. did that. It's that point too, right? Because a lot of people, when it comes to sobriety, where a lot of people are worried that the fun is over, the fun is done. I mean, was there a mindset shift that happened with you to where you went into those situations? Because for me, a big thing is this, right? The decision, making a decision changed everything

for me because I lived in this like indecisive world on the fence. Maybe I'll get sober. Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe I'll figure this out. Maybe I'll do something. But for me, the most powerful thing was like just deciding. And once I decided, I figured out that my problem wasn't really the drugs or alcohol. That wasn't my problem. My problem was what I saw in the mirror. And once I figured that out, yeah, I was okay to be around, you know, alcohol because that was, you know, in my mind, I was like, that was never my problem. I had internal stuff going on and I was dealing with a battle inside.

So I'm wondering if in that 30 days or in that, you know, first day or somewhere in there, man, you just. really truly made that decision. I mean, from you sharing it, it sounds like you did make a decision that you're going to do whatever it takes to not go back to what was. That's really interesting what you said about decisiveness. I really enjoy that, bro, because I can fully relate to that, you know, of being in between stages a lot, you know, and being in this constant phase where you're not putting a slate down of like who you are and constantly being in phases and cycles like that that's really that's heavy to me bro i really like that i mean beyond that you know i think the first mindship that i had was when i'd simply be in public and someone would offer me a drink

and i'd be like oh i don't drink and they'd be like i'd drink with you a minute oh no i'm sober now someone's face go, that's pretty cool. And understanding. Oh shit, dude, I thought fucking drugs made me cool. I thought getting fucked up made me cool. You're telling me, sober's cool? Wow. I mean, that changed my whole shit.

That was the most immediate change. Sober's cool? I had no idea because I've never given it a shot. And I might have been the other guy you know that would see someone sober and be like Alain is fun

and as soon as I found out people go hey that's like respectable that's cool and you're in a bar right now you can do that oh yeah I can do that wow

good for you I was like this is a whole new journey for me sober's cool sober is fucking cool. I love that, man.

And you know what? Sober is sexy. For real. Yeah, 100% man. I didn't know these things. And that was my first big mindset shift. Yeah. Because not only do you get the fact that this person's having a good time and they don't

need anything else. They're living life a lot different than me. You know, these kids out in Hollywood think, what do they call it, social lubricant? right? Yeah. Ah, man, I have this social anxiety until I get a couple drinks of me. This guy doesn't have that at all. He's fucking the life of the party right now.

That's cool. So that was my first big mind shift. The second one was the thing I was most in fear of. I thought that the chemical and the substance abuse and the alcohol, I thought that was what made my art. I was so scared. I wasn't going to be able to make music, paint, write books. I have six books out.

I've made a lot of songs putting cocaine in my nose and slamming whiskey. And I'm like, this is what's got me here. Oh, I figured out real quick, oh, I'm so much better. I'm so much better without it. Not only that, I'm focused. I'm not sitting here tweaking out, walking around the room trying to do six things at once. I can sit here and be focused on one thing. And if I'm focused on one thing instead of six, I'm doing one thing really well and not six things decent.

You know? Yeah. It's a big mind shift, bro. I realized, holy shit, I'm way better like this. And then I really enjoyed what you said about the decisiveness about being like this is a clear decision. It's not, am I going to get fucked up tonight? or should I not drink tonight or do I feel like shit today, that question mark kind of disappears.

It becomes like a statement with a period, right? I am this, you know, and this is my journey. I might have hard times getting through today, but this is my choice. Yeah. Even in your share that you had there for your five years, right? You've said in there, I saw on Instagram too, that the last 365 days might have been the most challenging, right?

Yeah, absolutely, bro. I mean, there were times for me in the last 365 days where I didn't succumb to saying, man, I think I will get fucked up tonight. I never did that. But I definitely said, man, I am going through a lot right now.

and I can only imagine what it would be like if I could escape from reality for a second. And I romanticized that thought slightly, you know? Like I said, I'm dedicated to this path. And I didn't sit there with a bottle one night and be like, should I do this? I never did that. I never got in front of someone doing cocaine

and looked at that line and really was like, shit, man, should I? I never went there. But I romanticized the thought of what it would be like to escape reality for a second. you know yeah and quickly would be able to realize dude i love being in control i love being in control of my body i love it i can't imagine all those times where i would go years without being in control of my body or my actions or my thoughts i love to be like there if i'm feeling this way right

I can be feeling like shit. If I'm feeling like shit, it is not because of something I put in my body. If I'm feeling great, it is not because of something I put in my body. It is my pure body that's feeling that way. My peer mind that is feeling that way. And just love to have these relationships that I'm in,

just bleed into the press. And within the last year, I went through another breakup that really fucking led into the mass media. world and while that happened I was on a tour and I had to go be in front of thousands of kids every night and all the while they're knowing what is going on in my personal life and that was really difficult man and in those times I was like I can only imagine what it would be like if I could be escaped from that reality right now if I could get on stage and slam a bottle of Jack Daniels and forget about all that other shit that's going on

Yeah. What that would be like. And so I had to really put my discipline into full effect. You know, I really did. And I don't know what the typical statement is in the journey of sobriety. If people believe that it gets easier with time or not, for me, it does. It hasn't been like, oh, shit. I just, you know, hit five years.

It's just a part of life right now. I don't even think about it. No. It wasn't like that at all. This last year, there were thoughts that were there of romanticizing the idea of escaping reality, you know? Yeah. And I think it's important to dishumanize the whole process, right? Because some people, they'll feel bad, right?

I don't want to talk about this because maybe I'm doing something wrong or I'm not doing it right. And I think it's so important and I'm so glad you brought that up because that is part of the journey and part of this whole thing that we're on is that like, It had us. You know, I mean, we were really hooked in and addicted to this stuff and to still think about it five years later and get sucked back in. It's so possible, man. I mean, so many people I know that I got sober with are not sober anymore. And because they got back into this way of thinking, but I think it's incredible that you, I mean, you catch yourself. But normalizing that whole thing so that people that are sober for five years and if they're struggling,

can't make people feel bad for wanting to go back to what works so well. You know, that's when I look at my journey with alcohol and with drugs. I mean, the craziest part of all of it is it worked so well. And then there was a part at the end where it didn't work anymore. Oh, my God. It's causing a lot more pain than the relief it was providing. But I can't take away that part where it really did solve a lot of my problems. And then, you know, further down the road, it created more.

And I love that you brought that up because we know all these people, right, celebrities, regular people who are sober. and it just seems like it's always up, you know, better next level. And I don't know that's honestly the reality for the majority of people. I think that there's still those struggles, man. Just in wrapping up here, man, somebody's listening to this episode and they're struggling to get sober. They're struggling to stay sober. I mean, would you have anything you could draw on from your journey to mention to them?

I mean, absolutely. And I think, like, I definitely touched on a few of them already, which is it's okay to believe that you can get something out of being sober as well. I really do. I really think if you just put it all on like it's this self-fulfilling prophecy of like, you know, you change your life and like you're doing it and getting nothing in return. A lot of life doesn't work like that. You don't get, you know, there are people out there that do charity, right? Okay. That go out there and work and expect nothing in return. Okay. But there's a lot of people who are like, I'm going to work. and I need to get paid to go to work.

Okay? You can look at sobriety like that. You can say, I'm going to change my life. I want to get something out of this. Now, be careful on what you set your goals for sure, you know? You don't want it to be something that if it doesn't happen, that you're like, listen, work. But if your change is something that you believe is achievable that you've wanted

and you've thought about a lot, I believe it's coming to you. And if you know that you're fucking up your life in some way through the abuse, because if you're making a decision to get sober, it's okay to find the things that work for you within this community. It's okay to find different ways to do it, you know? And I just fully believe that, you know, my light was very dim while I was getting fucked up. And I got my life. back and everything in life changes when you get your light back.

You know? And I just encourage anyone out there that like it doesn't have to be as scary as it seems. It can actually be really fun, you know? Doesn't have to be this serious. I got to lock off the world. I got to change my friendships. I got to find new places to go. I got to look at this like a whole other job.

It can be really fun to get sober. And that is one thing for me that like when I say stuff like, damn, being sober is cool. Being sober is sexy. People look at me like I'm like a superhero because I can do this shit. Right? Dude. Wear that shit.

Make this an enjoyable journey. But like my voice in this. community is to be like, shit don't have to be that dark and that fucking serious and that telling the world how fucking much of a piece of shit you are, bro. You're not a fucking piece of shit, you know? We can probably find the reason that me and you started doing drugs and started getting fucked up. We could probably go and pinpoint that from a very young age and be like, it wasn't even our fault. You know, that's what therapy does. It wasn't even my fault. They're like, this is why you're like this. And you got to stop being. Being.

hard on yourself and forgive yourself and be like, yeah, I'm not a piece of shit, you know? And if you're out there and you're a person who is even really fucked up your life, dude, you're not a piece of shit. You're not a piece of shit for that. Forgive yourself. Being sober can be cool. Being sober can be a fun journey and it doesn't have to be so dark and serious, man. Yeah, beautiful.

What a great way to end it. Thanks again, mod, man, incredible conversation. Dude, thank you for having me, brother. You're great, man. I really appreciate you having me on today, dude. Yeah, 100%, man. Well, there it is, everyone. Another incredible episode here on the podcast.

Huge shout out to Maud Sun for jumping on here and sharing everything with us. Thank you guys for the continued support here on the show. If you enjoyed this episode, send them over a message on Instagram, and I'll see you on the next one.