Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - “Moderation Was Torture” — Tanya’s Sobriety Story

Episode Date: January 20, 2026

In this episode of the Sober Motivation Podcast, Brad sits down with Tanya to talk about what it really looks like to get sober and stay sober when your journey isn’t linear.   Tanya shares how she grew up with a stable home and little exposure to alcohol—but still struggled with insecurity, belonging, and wanting to feel “cool,” which made alcohol feel like the solution. What started as binge drinking and partying progressed into DUIs, escalating consequences, and the painful truth many people discover: once the addiction wiring is there, moderation feels like torture. This conversation goes deep into relapse, grief, identity, relationships, resentment, and recovery—plus the power of community, AA, faith, service work, and learning to build self-worth from the inside out. Tanya also shares how she stayed sober through devastating loss and what helped her reach one year sober. If you’re sober curious, trying to quit drinking, rebuilding after relapse, or looking for real tools to protect your sobriety long-term, this episode will hit home. ------------- Just Between Us Podcast Sign Up: app.helloaudio.fm/feed/07bfba32-e173-41c6-973e-ceee488187c7/signup Sober Motivation 30 Day Free Trial: https://sobermotivation.mn.co

Welcome back to season five of the Sober Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We're here to show sobriety as possible. One story at a time. Let's go. In this episode, I sit down with Tanya to talk about what it is really like to get sober and stay sober when your journey isn't linear. Tanya shares how she grew up with a stable home and a little exposure to alcohol, but still struggled with insecurity, belonging, and wanting to feel cool, which made alcohol feel like

the solution. What started as binge drinking and partying, progressed in the DUIs, escalating consequences, and the painful truth, many people discover, once the addiction wiring is there, moderation feels like torture. This conversation goes deep into relapse, grief, identity, relationships, resentment, and recovery, plus the power of community, faith, service work, and learning to build self-esteem from the inside out. Tanya also shares how she stayed sober through devastating loss and what helped her reach one year sober. How is it going, everyone?

Welcome back to another episode. Brad here. Thanks as always for hanging out. I wanted to mention, too, about the Just Between Us podcast, the kind of sober motivation 2.0 with just me sharing different stories and different thoughts. I want to invite you, and for everybody listening to the podcast, I want to give you a one-time offer, $37 get you access to the podcast forever, as long as it runs. How long that's going to be?

I don't know. But this is my space to share more in-depth stories that there just isn't time to share on this podcast. And I want this to be about the guest stories and us kind of collaborating together to share their story. A couple of the episodes I've got so far as how it got started when alcohol gave me relief. Everything starts small.

First rehab part one shortly after rehab. and untangling ADHD, the addiction, and dopamine. Those are a couple of the episodes that are out there right now. This offer is going to be for the first 10 people who move on it. I'll drop the link down to the show notes below so that you can sign up for it. Once you do, you'll get an email with the information on how to add it to your Apple or your Spotify or YouTube or wherever you listen to podcast. But it's not a searchable podcast.

It's a private podcast. And there's reasons behind that and I talk about it too. in the first episode of Just Between Us. Huge shout out to Shaz. Thank you so much for sharing your story on the last episode. Also want to mention, too, if you're looking for some community, some more connection, for some more support, for some more friends, come and check us out on the Sober Motivation Community app.

We have 15 meetings every single week and an incredible group of people. We all met up in Toronto. We're planning our second in-person meetup. this year actually in August and it's going to be in my hometown kind of my hometown Waterloo Ontario and we got a bunch of people who are hyped up to get involved with that and come and hang out we spend the weekend together do some activities and it's a ton of fun it really brings sort of this virtual world into the real world I guess and it's a beautiful way to just get to know each other make some new friends and just further the connection to let people know

they're not alone on this journey and together we can do so much more than we can on an individual basis. The first 30 days are free. And I see a lot of people I'm guessing from the podcast, go over there, check it out, kind of do the sign up and don't go all the way through with it. And I always wonder, you know, where are those people at? And I host three meetings a week inside of the app. We bring different topics and it's just a lot of really good people. So if you're just getting started or even if you're into your journey. I mean, we have people join that are 500 days sober and 300 days sober and some people that are really early in the process as well. So all are welcome. It's about furthering our connection, building community, staying sober one day at a time, and having an opportunity to

live our best lives. If you have any questions, feel free to send me a message over on Instagram. I'll draw both of the links down to the show notes below. I would love to see you on the podcast or see you in a meeting soon. Now let's get the time to start. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got Tanya with us. How are you? I am fantastic. How are you, Brad?

Yeah, I'm good. I mean, all things considered, I'm doing well. Glad we could finally connect us. So what was it like for you growing up? You know, I had a great home life growing up. When I look back on it, you know, I honestly can't say there was too much wrong with it. I grew up upper middle class, so to speak. I had a great mom, dad.

I have two brothers. We were actively involved in our church. I was very involved in the youth group. Never ever saw my parents drink a day in their life, I don't think. And we never had alcohol at home. So for all intents of purposes, yeah, I have no idea how I became the alcoholic I am today. Yeah, which is interesting. I mean, over 200 and I think 25 episodes, I would say it's pretty close to down the middle

if I had to sort of take a guess about somebody who shares a story similar to yours where there isn't anything that necessarily stands out, like clear as day, that went on in those early years that would, I mean, maybe make sense if that's the right way to put it, of where we end up. I mean, very similar for me. I grew up, my parents, I found out later that my stepdad was drinking a big, but I never ever saw my parents drunk that I can remember. When I would visit my dad, that's the only time I would really be around alcohol.

Right. The kids would kind of run wild and him and his buddies would drink around this little table in the backyard and they would order us pizza. But I didn't really pick up on it because I wasn't exposed to that very often. So yeah, it's always kind of leaves me wondering, you know, how do things play out the way they did? anything from your childhood, any good memories that you have? Honestly, I think most of my childhood was good memories. You know, my family and I, we would go on a vacation a year. We tried to.

And so we have a lot of just happy. We had a big family. My dad was one of six. My five, six. My mom was one of seven. Everyone had three to four kids. On my dad's side, we were like every six months. And so we were really close.

tons of cousins, tons of family time. The biggest thing for me is that I definitely was insecure, very insecure. I'm a late bloomer for that, and I was always trying to fit in. And so I think that definitely made the biggest impact for, you know, why when I found alcohol, I was like, yay, I'm cool. So I am like a poster child for doing things to look cool. So I have my first cigarette at 18. And I literally did it to be cool. I didn't know how to light it. It was about six months of smoking till somebody goes, are you inhaling? It's like so embarrassing. I'm like, what? You know, and I'm like, is that why I can't get them to light? Like, I literally go around the corner before I saw my friends and go like this and like didn't know. And then unfortunately,

I figured. Yeah, unfortunately, I figured it out later. But yeah, I'm like, I. I think that I wanted to be the cool kid or the bad kid. I always found the down and outers, you know, wherever I was going to school and would like latch on to them. And I think I always thought like, I'm going to help them. But really, I just was like out of my skin, I guess, you know? And so that's probably like the biggest part of it. But from like a home life and being loved on and all that, I mean, that was great.

I just couldn't find my way until I did. Yeah. Maybe like a sense of belonging in the world. Yeah. Yeah. So my dad also passed away when I was 17, so my senior year. And I distinctly remember thinking nobody's going to blame me if I start drinking. You know, like this was very traumatic for our family.

He was kind of, I wasn't kind of. He was the staple, the glue. So I grew up. My grandparents were pastors. All my uncles were pastors. And my dad was like the business mind guy. And he was CEO and president of his company at the age of 31. And so he was very much, I guess, the glue.

In fact, actually, I was watching another one of your podcasts. And I forget the guy's name, but he was talking. I'm like, that's my story. Different, but that's my story. Stop sharing. I'm about to share that same thing about his mom who had passed young. being the glue, but it was so, so true. And so, of course, there's the trauma from that as well. And it just, like, it was a combination of things. I'm going to college. I'm finally feeling

comfortable in my own skin. I feel cute. Guys are looking at me. Alcohol's introduced. Plus, I'm going through the morning and the grief of that. And it just hit me all the, yeah. Yeah, everything there. And that's a lot, too. I mean, your experience with your dad, and then also that transition to college. And now you're kind of finding your way and maybe connecting with people. I mean, when I first started drinking, that's one of the things that stood out to me.

Most at first is like I was connecting with people, vibing with people. I was talking with girls in ways that I'd never taught with girls before and getting phone numbers. People were interested in. I was like, I mean, this is the greatest thing ever. You know, it's so weird because I waited, you know, it was after high school.

school before I started drinking. I said I waited. I waited like it wasn't a conscious decision. I just wasn't when I kind of draw it up. I really wasn't you know the coolest of kids maybe to be invited to the parties and to hang out with sort of you know hang out with everybody let and lose right. And and I had gotten in trouble you know also so I was on probation so I used to have to go meet my probation officer and do interestingly enough like drug samples and stuff and I was like I just don't want to mess with this. I kind of knew better at that level. That was part of it. You know, I had maybe five or six rules. I had to follow that was clearly on there. And my parents never drank. It was never around. I did drink once. My parents had like vodka or something and

everybody at school was talking about it. Oh, man, we had all the vodka and orange juice and everything. And that was great. Everybody was giggly. So I took this vodka bottle down and I had a swig of straight vodka. And it was disgusting. It was disgusting. So I was like, okay, like this is not for me. And I just moved on with my life. But when I did, you know, getting into the drinking in the college days, it was just like, man, I am finally home. All the insecurities kind of fade away. I did anyway.

I felt like I fit in. I felt like I had a purpose. I was just like, man, I belong. This is the coolest thing ever. Right. And it sounds like, you know, relatable in a way to kind of what you're sharing. Yeah, absolutely. The thing I don't relate on is so many people go, ooh, it was disgusting.

And granted, I think my first drink was Azema. So, I mean, that's my generation, 99, 2000. Azema, you don't know what Zima is? No, my gosh. No idea. I guess they would be kind of like sparkling or whatever they are now. Like it was like almost like sprite, I guess. Flavored.

Okay, so it's in a bottle. And then you would put skittles in it and you tap it and it foam all up and you tugged it down. So totally aging myself. Okay, so 90s, kids, 80s, 90s, they'll know what I'm talking about. But I loved it. I don't recall ever drinking alcohol and going, that tastes like crap. And yeah, I loved the taste. I loved the effect.

And I was even thinking, too, I don't even recall, even my very first time when I'm 99% sure I blacked out. Remember the party. It's vague, but again. I don't even remember waking up with a hangover. My body tolerated it exceptionally well to a fault from the beginning. Interesting. Again, until it didn't. Yeah.

Yeah. Is there anybody else in your family, too, that it struggled with this at this time or no? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Now, I mean, again, when you have a family as large as me, my mom always says the gene pool is deep and wide. So, you know, I think she had an uncle that died of alcohol. alcoholism, but again, a long time ago was it alcohol? You know, who knows, really the story. My brother has eight years clean. And so he struggled with that. But again, it was very much in alignment

with when my dad passed and him trying to fit in as well. So we see it. And then there is definitely some extended cousins now that, you know, struggle with that as well. But like the immediate family and Like my aunts and uncles, I mean, it's really, it's not too prevalent. There's other things that you can say, okay, you know, maybe some OCD or issues with eating that all kind of fall in line with that addictive personality. So I can see, I can see where it comes from, but not necessarily. Like, again, it wasn't environmental. So maybe a little bit of, yeah. Yeah, interesting.

Where do things go for you in college? I mean, do things pick up for you fast? I mean, people kind of share a couple different variations in this phase here. Things pick up quick or it's maybe a slow progression and what that looked like for you. Yeah. So I ended up just being a big partier. I can look back and see how it affected me early on in different ways. But I was never around the clock drinker.

I was just partying very much like all my. my peers were, I would probably go out almost every single day, but I at that point, never drank at home unless, again, I was having roommates and we had parties and stuff like that, but it was never excessive in that standpoint. But when I look at my 20s, I think back, I'm like, oh, you know, because eventually the hangovers did kick in and poor decision-making and just different circumstances were like, it was definitely a problem. But it, I still don't think I was alcoholically drinking. I think I was party binge drinking.

And again, by all standards, if you do the test, by 100% from the beginning, I would check multiple boxes. But, you know, my career was taking off and, you know, I was showing up for work for the most part. Again, I might have been really hungover or leaving early, but I was still there. And so it wasn't until, so I got married when I was. 25, 26. So I kind of went through my really crazy. I moved to California for a year. That kind of got really wild. And then I came back home and it was really started my sales career and I met a nice

young man and quickly got married. And then when we divorced, I remember saying I can never date anybody else unless I'm sober. So I always look back on that moment. Like some, part of me. There was a problem, but it was more like who I showed up as drinking when I was not a very good human being at that time in my life. So it was there in my mind that there was a problem.

Like what year would have, would this have been, ish estimate? 2007, I think we got married, 2009, divorced. Yeah, somewhere in there. So around that time you're kind of seeing sobriety would be in your life. Yeah, so exactly 10 years later, because I don't think I started drinking until 99, early 2000, because again, I didn't drink until I was out of high school as well. Yeah. And then things kind of picked up. And then you share that other part too, which I hear so often,

I think it's so relatable as well, is it looks a lot like our peers, whether that is that everybody's drinking that way or that we've consciously or subconsciously decided to surround ourselves with people who are drinking or hanging out, you know, doing that. That's what I always think when I look back at college, I used to tell myself, I mean, this is what everybody does. And now when I look back at it, I'm like, dude, nobody, there's not what everybody was doing, man, at all. It's just what I saw what I, you know, what I wanted to see maybe. Yeah, you gravitate 100% to the people that are like you or you want to, again, drink the same. And I look back to, so when I was 21, I was hanging out at this place frequently.

And I remember going, okay, Monday is this, like Tuesday's industry night, Wednesdays, karaoke, you know, whatever. And I had a day. And then I was like Thursday's my rest at home day or whatever it was. I can't remember. But it was a joke that you could call Rock Bottom. I don't know if you guys have missed that place. Anyways, great food.

And you could ask for me and I'd be there. But like, why would my friends call and ask for me? I'm with my friends. And I started thinking, wait, I wasn't with my friends. I was with bartenders and servers that are working, acting like they're my friends. I mean, they probably were my friends. But I'm just going by myself. That's, but saying I have people to talk to.

So maybe I wasn't drinking the same, the same as everybody else. Yeah. Well, that was the name of the place, Rock Bottom? Yeah, it's not funny. I never even thought about that until just now. Because it's not even really a bar. They had a bar scene, but it's actually just a really great restaurant. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Chicken and shrimp pasta of my life. I love that place. And now they're gone. It's gone. Yeah. My goodness. Yeah.

I was like, is that the name of the restaurant? Rock Bottom. That's interesting. Brad, that has never processed in my mind. That should have been a sign. It was a projection of my future. There was signs. The signs were there.

My goodness. Oh my Lord. Even when you mentioned that too, there where you look back too, like maybe things were a little bit different. I remember in the early days, I knew things were different, but you can realize I think that things are different. I did anyway and still not be interested in making it change. Like I felt like I was living on like there was this, there was a pendulum.

And I knew there were consequences to drinking, but it would swing so much further the other way. Like when I was drinking, I saw so many benefits and experienced so many benefits. and then the negatives, it just kind of maybe swing a little bit. Until time goes by, and then it's like, okay, it's swinging just as high, if not higher, to the negative consequence side as potentially anything I'm sort of getting out of it or experiencing it. But even when I look back, you know, people would go to sleep.

I had this cocaine run too in college. So, you know, people would go to sleep. And then so weird to look back on all of it now. not three young kids but um people we would kind of go in and whatever and get our stuff and then they would go to sleep and i would pretend i was sleeping and i'd be like okay that you know that's the night right and i would have the stuff with me and then they would go to sleep and i would pop back up like at the party and just kind of you know do this and then i remember you know like not clear as day or anything but i can remember myself thinking like dude this is weird like this is

this really weird how, because to me, when I look back now, I'm like, okay, those are kind of what we refer to maybe as quote unquote normies. Like they party hard, but they also knew when to shut it down and then they went to carry on once Monday came. I mean, they were straight A students and they did what they had to do. And then they would maybe join another party three weeks later. And I always wondered like, how do you guys not party every night? Because we had the same thing, right? of the taco Tuesday, tequila, Thursday, Thursday, Sunday, fun day, blah, blah, blah, everything. And it was just like, I was so excited to just get out there and kind of forget about the

world in my life, but I didn't connect those dots at the time. Like, I had no idea of the escape that I was, you know, involving myself with. How do things that look like for you moving forward? Well, I was going to say one more thing, too. I feel like I think I deserved it. Like, I struggled so much trying to fit in growing up. I bounced around. We never moved.

I just went to a bunch of different schools, always trying to find where I fit in. So there's this like, I struggled. This is my treat now, you know? People think I'm cool and people, you know, I deserve it. And then I also deal with FOMO, sadly, even to this day at 44. It's so sad, you know. But that's sad. Well, when you think about it, it's like,

FOMO, like, come on, I have a beautiful life. Like, I shouldn't feel like I'm missing out on anything. And I've worked really hard on that in the recent years. But yeah, back then, it's like you don't want to go home because what if tonight is the night. That's something big is going to happen. And it's going to be epic. I can't miss that.

So, anyway. All of the time. That sort of track of thinking, too, every time that I, you know, when New Year's came around this year, I have a few people in my life. I mean, they lean in heavy to drinking. What that looks like for them is for them to decide. But it's like every time at New Year's, like, I mean, they hit you up. And it's like, da, da, da, da, da.

And I was just thinking to myself, that's how I used to live. I wanted to hang around until the lights turned off because I thought I would miss something. Now in my life, I'm just like, thank goodness. am not out there doing that madness, you know, calling people with recklessness and all of this stuff. So that, that is interesting. Is it relatable at all to you, like identity getting attached to it? Because I hear that a lot. It's like kind of party and drinking and, you know, having fun and, you know, that life. Yeah. Absolutely. Again, for always just trying to figure out, like how to be accepted or cool or whatever.

What did they say? Like even the negative attention, at least it's attention type of thing. And so I so vividly, and I was thinking about this earlier when we were talking about the taste of it, I remember being at my buddy's house and I think it was like the gold flake.

What was the gold flake? Again, it might be before your time. Gold slogger? Gold shogger? Yes, yes, yes. And I remember I could take more shots than the dudes and still be functioning. And I loved that.

loved that identity and being able to just, yeah, be kind of known as a little bit of the wild child. That was like my internal child just, yeah. Like I just wanted to be cool and fun and rebellious and all that. And this kind of comes more from like a relationship standpoint too. But I very much think like a man. And I have for a while. I'm very stoic, I guess. And that probably actually happened from after my dad died when I saw everyone crumbling.

I took on that as I will be the rock in times of struggle. And so that kind of, I think, partially affected how I interact with people moving forward. And so I just love the fact that I guess I was a player. I do what I want. You know, nothing bothers me. So I had like these two identities. I'm just like, rock on, party hard. And again, it was that entitled piece that I really felt like I deserve it.

I never got boys before. I'll get whatever I want, whoever I want. Because I'm also the cool chick, you know? I'm not crazy. I'm not burning your car up if you do something stupid. You know, I hung out with the boys. Yeah, that's interesting too. It's kind of like finding your way, like finding what is going to work

and maybe bring you comfort too, like at a different level. level for your life. And then how was school? Like, did that come easy to you, that part of things? No. So I always struggled in school. I think it was undiagnosed ADD in hindsight. ADD mixed with insecurity.

So if I had what the kids have today, I don't know how they're not all straight A students. But my brain would just shut off. So I would process absolutely nothing that I heard in the classroom. And then when I want to ask your question, I was too insecure and shy to raise my hand. Until I actually got to college. And I took my first business class. And two things happened in that class.

I got my first 4.0 or A. And I was told I must have been a class clown in high school. Obviously, it stuck with me to this day. Were you a class clown in high school? No, I didn't talk. I was so much secure, you know. So that it just shows you. that was like my first or second quarter, you know, at college.

And I was like, oh, I found my calling business. I'm very good at that. I keep getting distracted with my nails. Go Hawks. We're playing this weekend against the 49ers. So I had a shout out for that. Hopefully by the time this airs, we won the Super Bowl. But anyways, so lost return, I thought thinking about my football team.

So talking about that. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So business. I finally figured out where I fit in in the world. And I was starting my career and I was doing very good. And that also created a lot of bitterness inside of me because, as I said earlier, my dad was business minded.

And I never knew how to fit. And that would probably be, I guess, a little bit of childhood trauma. I'm the only girl, middle child. and I didn't feel like my dad and I were, we had a good relationship, but I didn't feel like he invested in me as he did, my older brother with like, where are you going to college, what's your career, what's all that. And then I figured out, oh, I'm supposed to run businesses. I'm supposed to like take over the world. And now I don't have my dad. Now I want to talk to him. Now I need his mentorship. Now I need his resources and his connections to help me go further in life.

And so that added this whole new bitterness and hurt in that situation. And so that also furthered my discontentedness in life and more drinking. Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing that too. Kind of bringing us back up to speed sort of say in the story here. After your divorce, like how did things go? You kind of shared earlier too. You had sort of that glimpse of sobriety.

or I should be or sober for relationships, you know, how do things look moving forward? Yeah, so shortly after we had divorced or I moved out, I moved to Seattle. And speaking of New Year's Eve, I said I wasn't going to go out that New Year's Eve because I did not want to get a DIY. And I just, and there was no Uber's at the time. And so I stayed home and I worked out. I remember being at the gym in my apartment complex. I'm like, look at me.

No. making good decisions. So I don't know why, but I just felt like there was just going to be a lot of cops out. And so then eight days later, I got a DIY. Oh, okay. Yeah, so stayed home on New Year's Eve and then got my first DUI. And I got dropped to a reckless. There was some issues with the blown goes at the time. And I had to do, I think an eight-hour class and some community service, and that was it. And I still remember, I tell the story a lot. Sitting in that eight-hour class, fast forward seven months, and I'm in sales at that time, so I'm making good money. And they said, why would you reoffend? Why would you do this again?

And I raised my hand, and I said, not strong enough punishment. And I swear, I almost got mobbed. Everybody looked at me like, what? What are you talking about? And the lady goes, I've never heard that before. Like, why would you say that? And I'm like, well, again, I make good money. I paid $5,000 for an attorney a while ago. I've already gotten a commission check to bring that back in. I did this class and that's it. That was it. And I didn't learn my lesson at all. And so fast forward, five years from the divorce and I'm really parting now at this time, meeting people that were, you know, as bad as me or worse. And so I'm doing it a lot.

And I end up getting my second DUI. And this time it was a lot worse. I went around a roundabout and I just didn't finish that roundabout and hit a light post. And I called my attorney again and I said, okay, you know, what do we do? And so he put me on a deferred. I got a deferred for that. And that was the first time, I guess, I had to walk into AA or whatever.

But I still, again, still didn't learn. So that was in August. And for the next four months, I went crazy again. And I actually got an intervention from my family on Christmas Day. Because my brother seemed in the day before. I was like, she was like, hi, she's hanging out with some loser. like what's going on or she just seemed off. Didn't know.

And I showed up late to Christmas. And then I said, I don't feel good. I need to go straight in and lay down. And when I woke up, my family was like, what's going on? And I already knew I had to do intensive outpatient starting in January. So the manipulator that I am, I said, okay, let me look into some programs. So my mom now knows, kind of, we still haven't really talked about my DUIs. But if she watches these podcasts, she's going to know.

But yeah. So that's what brought me into A. And I loved it. Loved it, loved it, loved it. So I got sober for the very first time ever, December 28, 2012. And I, again, ego or whatever, but I'm like, I'm not going into the New Year drinking. I'm going to start now. And I did.

And I paint clouded so fast. And I also just recently got a new job. I felt like the dumb part of the story, but I was all over for that previous year. And then finally got back in. So I'm doing incredibly well in sales. I'm sober. And I'm just having a time of my life.

Like sober. And past forward six months, I think I'm healed, Brad. Why would I not be healed? Mind you, I'm only doing IOP. I haven't got a sponsor. I don't work stats. I haven't done anything besides just taking alcohol out. And I'm like, I think it's about time I start dating.

Because remember five years ago, I said I wasn't going to date anybody until I'm sober. So I met my son's dad. And I think I drank within a month. And we got married in five months. And that chaos started. So what were you going to say? Yeah, just going back. I mean, the DUI, like the first one didn't really seem like it changed the course

a whole heck of a lot, which it's interesting, right? When I hear this, I got in a whole lot of trouble. How I dodged that, I have no idea. I have no idea how I dodged that part of everything. I mean, I got caught for probably 92% of things I did. But I did, but I dodge that. But I hear people all the time, right? If this happens, of course I'm going to quit.

If that happens, of course I'm going to quit. Once I have kids, of course I'm going to quit. Once I get that job or we get that new house or I get that DUI, of course I'm going to quit. Or I don't have a problem because I haven't had X, Y, and Z happen maybe yet. Maybe not. I don't have a crystal ball for the future. But that didn't at that time kind of provide the most. motivation for you to like plug in, but then you have this other one.

Was the IOP there mandated because of the second DUI or no? Yeah. So two AA meetings a week and then four days IOP for like six weeks and then once a week for a year or until the end of the year and then once a month for year two. I obviously once I started drinking, I realized how I could forge those slips and all that stuff. They can't come back and get me later. I can't just kidding. They hear that. Like, you are a shining star. And that's the thing. Everyone's like, if only they could learn from you, you know, when I like graduated out of that five years later after, you know, being off probation.

I remember the judge was like astounding. And I was probably sober at that moment. But there was many times in between I was not. In fact, one of the things I say is I developed my actual alcoholism in AA because I really don't think, like, if I compare myself to other people, I think that where I was at at that moment, anything could have changed and maybe I would have just never drank again, you know, and all that's, you know, like, again, that's not my story at all, but I just saying, like, at that moment, I could have stopped and never, if I was anybody else, that was my point. If I was anybody else, I might have been able to stop and then just be like, wow, I just partied hard for 12 years, but then I got married and grew up and now I

just occasionally drank with my friends. But that's definitely not what happened to me. And my son's dad never went out and was pretty depressed and would drink at home. And that's introduced me to drinking at home a lot and around the clock. Yeah, so this was like 2012. Yeah, 2013, actually. Yeah, yeah, 2013. Yep. So we met in June or went on our first date in June, and then we were married by November. And by the next year, April, May, I mean, it was bad. Yeah, from drinking. When you look back at like, there, relationships that you were getting involved with, is there any different things that you're maybe looking for today in a relationship or would

be? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Well, one, I've grown up a lot and I've done a ton of work around that. One thing that still kind of rings true today is that most men drive me crazy after like a day. They really do. And so unfortunately, if you don't drive me crazy, I feel like it's meant to be. And so even when all the red flags are flagging, I'm like, but I enjoy being around this person. And so I have to work extremely hard in that situation, which is why I've pretty much been single for the last year, is because that's like that's my one thing, my one character defect that.

has taken me a very long time to work out. But I also, again, I've grown and really got grounded in, you know, my relationship with God. Just looking at that chaos and looking at my young son and not wanting to bring that around him anymore. But, you know, my story didn't end with a second divorce, I ended up falling madly in love with somebody I knew since childhood. And he was in the program. And again, you live and you learn, but the red flags were right there. You know, he's in sober living in California. I have eight months. I'm coming out of my divorce, eight months, I think. And we just randomly reconnected on Facebook and instantly in love. moving up and we're in love and it's so great and we drank together the first time we hung out.

So, yeah, like, and I was very involved in AA at the time, but. What were your thoughts going into that? Going to that relationship or that even that weekend. Even like that weekend, I mean, were you thinking of drinking or did? No, not at all. So him and his sister have the same birthday and she was my writer-dict. I back when I was 20, we were roommates. We were crazy together. But she'd calmed down a lot. She had kids and stuff. And I said, again, in my brilliant mind, why you fly up and we'll drive over and we'll

see her and surprise her because she doesn't see me forever. And he goes, well, there's going to be drinking around there. And I said, I'm fine. I said, as long as you're not drinking, I'm good. And not to pass blame to him, we, you know, had talked about this a lot. But we get there and they don't have even water, right? It's like, okay, I need something to hold in my hand. I need Diet Coke. So we go to the store and he goes, are you, should we get some beers? Do you want to get some beers?

And I looked at him and I go, what? I thought we weren't drinking. He goes, oh, never mind. You know, I don't know why I said that. Oh, you planted the seed and it ain't going to go anywhere now. Yeah. And I remember coming back and I guess kind of my brother-in-law, his brother-in-law, like an hour later looks over and he just met me goes,

I thought you just talked about being sober. Yeah, not anymore. And then the next day, I'm already having a beer immediately or whatever it was and he looked at me. And this is again, this is a perfect example of somebody who I guess when they drink, you might think that they drink alcoholically, but the next day he goes, that sounds disgusting.

And I thought, how can you not drink after you drink as much as you did last night? there's no way. And he's like, ew, get that away from me. And then I thought, oh, that's weird. You're weird, man. Yeah, exactly. So that was kind of it.

I mean, that's, yeah, I mean, I feel like sometimes we, you know, we try to like figure out, oh, where did everything go wrong? But, I mean, kind of hearing your story there, it's like, hey, you went into it with this mindset. and then things can, it's just how quickly things can kind of shift, right? Yeah. Well, and again, it goes back to, so his name is Travis. He was five years younger than me, maybe six. And when my, or his sister and I were roommates, I mean, he was in high school.

I didn't actually really know him very well. It was just, you know, I hung out with her and her older brother. And the Travis was cool. I didn't go to his school, but he was cool, you know. He was the football player. He was really smart. had good grades. And so even as a 20, 21 year old, at that time, I knew Travis is cool and he's popular. So you fast forward 20 years. And in my mind, even though I didn't go that school,

but my childhood trauma mind still is like, this is the cool kid. So I was enamored, right? And so Travis says, let's have a drink. I'm parting with the cool kid. Plus the nostalgia of being around Kelly and seeing forever. Again, it's like all that stuff. I would have been to 100% fine not drinking that day. But once somebody said something and I got thrown off, I wasn't prepared. You know, me and my sponsor at the time talked about it a lot. I didn't put the right parameters in place to be protected.

And again, I just got sucked in. It's cuteness. Yeah. Yeah. So where do things go for you from there? Okay. So we end up, again, dating, falling in love. So that would have been the very end of 2020.

Then I did the thing where, okay, so he ended up moving up and he goes to live with his sister, which is about two and a half hours away. So then it became only when I go see him on the week. weekends. I can have some drinks and I'll be fine and I'll leave it there. And that lasted like two visits. And he called me one time and I was home. Oh, and another thing too, I blamed my ex-husband a lot. Like, it's your fault. I'm the alcoholic that I am now because you drink around the clock and you didn't really work. And then I was working from home. So now I'm drinking around the clock. And that's when you made me a real alcoholic. But I figured I was just,

miserable and if I'm with somebody that I'm happy with, that won't happen. So this is the very first time that I drank without being able to stop by myself. And I was like, okay, well, shoot, I'm happy. I'm really good in my life. My career's booming. I love being the mom to my son. Everything's perfect. And I still find myself blacked out drinking in the morning. So, So at this point, you're, so you're drinking in the morning. Then this is kind of during the lockdown and all that pandemic days too, right? Right. Yeah.

So everything's shifting at home. And yeah, things changed up for a lot of people. You know, it's so interesting this time of life and, you know, well, that time of life for a lot of people, you know, I pick up on sort of, you know, I mean, maybe there's something to this and maybe it's just in my own head. But it sped things up for a lot of people. I mean, for better or worse, I think what it did was show people that there was maybe more here as to where the process maybe could have lingered on for another decade, sort of a slow burn. But it really exposed it maybe sooner rather than later because you're at home. And it was like, okay, we don't really have the coping skills to navigate all of this and life and everything that's being thrown at us and all of the uncertainty. everybody around us is like drinking happy hour

you know and like a lot of people too like they'll kind of I've noticed over the years they'll kind of engage in those little like little games or whatever of like hey let's kind of be sneaky and stuff but like everybody's not going to drink the way that we do to where it's like when we start it just keeps going and going and going so it's almost like for the people that it does catch

or the people that it did catch it went a lot further and then the boundaries got blurred and it was like okay I used to start after that noon meeting after lunch and then it became 11 and then, oh, well, you know, what the heck is 10? And you call quits a little earlier just seemed to really scale back just to kind of be wide open. Yeah. No, I definitely see that in other people. I will say that my alcoholism at that point, I guess I could have elaborated a little bit more with my seven-year marriage. But it was when we drank, it was around the clock.

And then we get sober. and it was weird because it was very cyclical. I had in a journal, it was like April 17th, 2018 or 17, 16, April 17th, it was like always, you know, it would escalate and then we'd be sober all summer and then something, a vacation or whatever, but we weren't ever working a program and that was the other thing I was going to kind of touch on. But early on, I never really fit in. I mean, I didn't have any friends and stuff like that.

And then when I got divorced early 2020, I was like, okay, I'm going to go all in. And now, you know, he's not in the picture so I can make friends and, you know, do all this stuff. And so I showed up and went to like a whole new area of meetings. Like, oh my gosh, there's young people. This is so exciting. And that lasts about 30 days. And then the lockdown happened. So I didn't, you know, yeah, I was doing the Zoom.

I really was doing the deal, but that shifted to. And then again, fast forward, I could say I had COVID and not show up to a meeting, you know, like you could kind of say anything. You could say I have a cold, you know. And so that was where, you know, it was just hard. I was like, I was finally ready to plug in and do the deal. And it just wasn't really available, you know. It's not like a big part of why.

I relapsed, but I feel like it could have possibly made a difference if I was going to meetings every day and had a big circle of friends and all that kind of stuff. I don't know. Yeah, like that in-person connection, you know, and making friends and then doing the other stuff, coffee and outings or seeing a move here or whatever, you know, stuff you do, right, to, you know, to help you stay on track. So I mean, a big part of this stretch, what I'm getting from it, correct me if I'm wrong here is it's sort of like checking things out, you know, A-A here, but then just other sort of like, I don't know, dry time or just sober time of not drinking, but maybe not plugging into the self-development community steps.

What was the experience there where you're like, okay, I'm sober, but maybe not working on other stuff too? And maybe you were, but like, do you notice a difference between that time of sobriety as opposed to like the stretch that you're on now and where you're at with things of like being more fulfilled? or anything? Oh, big time. I always am a little cautious about how much I say online about my son's dad,

still my son's dad, but it was very controlling and I wasn't allowed, I hate that word, but, you know, to make friends or do a lot of stuff. It caused more chaos, you know, than just not doing it. And I've always been a very self-reflective. I love learning person, but there's only a. so much growth you can do when it's a very toxic environment. But we would go through and even him, you know, for that was four or five months and we're trying to, we had this like one summer.

It was quest to be Northwest, as in we're going to embrace that we live in the Northwest. And so we went hiking and got bikes. And, you know, we did that type of stuff to try to, I don't know, explore. So it's not that we weren't learning. I just feel as though there was a cap. And I just remember so distinctively that first time I walked into a meeting post us like going through the split. And I was like, finally, I can, I know I can do it.

And I'm going to dive all the way in. I'm going to get a sponsor. And I'm going to do this deal for the first time legitimately. Because again, you got to remember, the first time was the nudge from the judge. But I still didn't think I had a problem. But I really enjoyed being sober, you know. but there was no actual work done besides, you know, what you learn at IOP. So I just knew in that time, I was kind of like an uphill battle, you know?

I was miserable and all that good stuff. Oh, that good stuff. It's interesting. Miserable and all that good stuff. Yeah. I think of like the earlier interventions to where, you know, I had this other guy on the podcast many moons ago, a good buddy of mine, Scott. And he said, when he was 17, he went on a high-speed chase from the police and he was drinking.

And he said, he sat in front of a judge then. And the judge said, you're like, I don't know if he used the words, you're an alcoholic, but he was like, you have a problem with drinking. And then, I mean, you know, 30 years went by. And the judge knew it at the time. But the thing is about this is that doesn't always check the box as to where we realize it and become willing to do what we need to kind of stay on this path. But even with your earlier interventions and IOP and going to AA meetings,

it's, I really picked up on that that you said you didn't really identify with having a problem. You knew it was creating consequences for your life. But maybe the hope was you could kind of manage this, you know, if these other things come in. Grow out of it, really. How does the rest of like the pandemic days unfold? I mean, you were mentioning to me about the DoorDash. Does that start during this too? where you're ordering stuff?

Yes. Oh, and I was, okay, it came back to me. I could say I was a functional alcoholic, which I think is a little bullshit. I do not think that that is really ever, no one's ever really functioning. But I think that's where I could separate. Like, yes, it causes chaos.

I shouldn't do it. I need to moderate it. And I honestly, you know, when you talk about that badge of honor, I took on, I'm like, I'm an alcoholic. Yep, I'll figure that out in 2013. that became my new identity, right? Like, claim it.

That's cool too. And so I would say I'm an alcoholic and I would say all these things, but at the end of the day, I'm still doing well at work. Again, what would I have done if I hadn't relapsed or hadn't been drinking or, you know, all these types of things? I still looked good, good on paper. And so then it became this whole thing like, oh, again, it's my dad or my son's dad's fault. You know, like, I just, if he's out of the picture and I've been working on myself and I'm

doing all these things, then I should be able to do it, even if I don't really want to do it, you know, it's like, do it when I want to, but, or, you know, again, that it could cause consequences. I felt like I did grow. One of the beautiful things about that marriage is I learned that I actually can stay wildly committed into a relationship. I became a mom, not just to my son, but to my stepkids. And I really turned the page of I don't need to go out and party all the time. I love being at home and baking and cooking and working my career, raising these kids and doing family outings. And I was getting more involved in church.

And so to say that there was no growth in that period is a lie too. I mean, I honestly did grow drastically. But again, I thought, just got to get this denominator out of it. And then I should be good. And then again, fast forward, COVID times and I'll divorce. And I realized very quickly that that's not true. Like at some point, I started drinking alcoholically and I cannot ever reverse that. My brain knows at 3 o'clock in the morning that if I just have a drink, that that's going to

calm it down. And then again, that cycle continues until I pretty much have to go to rehab, detox, or someone hold me down. Otherwise, I will just be completely blacked out for days. So the good thing is, when I drank, it's fast and it's brutal. There is literally no slow. It is quick and fast. And the beauty of now being involved in AA and all my friends being in AA is they all know within about a minute, it's psychotic, like how they know. Like, what? Don't tell me my texting. It was different that quickly.

And, you know, I get pulled right back in, but I'm getting a little ahead of my story. So, long story short, oh, go ahead. Well, it just sounds like I'm picking up on it kind of one of the things I mentioned here a lot on the podcast is this I, this thing that was told to me when I was in rehab at 17 for the first time, wherever you go, there you are. And at the time, I was like, oh, you guys, I mean, something's like, I don't know what you guys are talking about, whatever, I'm doing well. Right. And I take that into so many different areas, but I think it's a lot of like what you're touching on, right? Like, I think that's so common way of thinking on this journey is that I'm drinking this way because of this or because of that. It could be so many different things.

And then we find ourselves not in those situations anymore. drinking the same if not worse and then it's like okay now what is it you know now now now what do i need to do but you also brought up sort of that high functioning you know measuring kind of our drinking levels with am i showing up to work am i doing this am i doing that okay you know everything is that everything looks pretty good i always think of it as like the sports team on paper that's supposed to win it all and then they lose in the first round of the playoffs and it's like how did this happen and it's like it just did it just do you know it's just It just does.

You know, looking good on paper for everything doesn't, I don't think always translates to how we feel about ourselves on the inside. Yeah. Oh, 100%. 100%. And again, I just go back to, and this is kind of, I guess, like my message for anybody, like whether I drank alcoholically or not, which again, I do. Disclaimer, I do very much so.

But it doesn't bring any. good in my life at all. And so I can look back on manageable times, like early on or different things. I just think like, it's kind of like if you go to a gym all the time and you can't get in control of your eating habits, you know? Like, yeah, you might look better, but like how much better could you look and how much more effective will your workout be if you actually just ate like you should, right? They always actually say that, 80% your nutrition, 20% your workout.

I feel like that's the whole thing with alcohol. There are so many people. And again, the functioning alcoholic or the person that's trying to moderate, to me, that's torture. I saw somebody say it once and it's stuck with me. But it's like to think about having to manage your alcohol, abstinence is just so much easier. Maybe not at first, but in the long term, it's like just get rid of it versus like, okay, I can drink on Thursdays or Fridays or I better stop at, you know, 5 p.m. on Sunday because I got work. Oh, and then you're just all consumed with it. It sounds horrible. I would never want that.

Yeah, which is so interesting kind of, I mean, for people that are there, like, you know, I get it. I think in one way or another, it's kind of part of the process. Like, I think that a lot of us, I can't say everybody, but I think a lot of us are just trying to keep the dream alive. Like, can I get to a spot again, how it was in the beginning to where I felt so free, but there was any consequences. This wasn't negatively impacting my life. But the problem or the beauty of life is the older you get, the more responsibility that you have, as opposed to when we're 20. I mean, we can just hang out, you know, for some of it. And then as you get older, it's like, okay, there's more stuff that comes up. But yeah, I mean, I've seen that stuff too. You know,

here's five moderation tips, like eat before you go, do this, have water in between. do that. And I'm like, does it not cross anybody's mind just to not drink? You know, it's, it's almost kind of like the new, it was Dr. Oz there on the, you know, the new recommendations or the new dietary. And it was like, don't have alcohol for breakfast. And alcohol helps people socialize. I understand that. I'm not like an anti-alcohol like thing like at all. But I'm just saying, as a society, have we lost our way to socialize sober? Like, why can't we? do that. I mean, I do that. I have an incredible time doing it. I don't become a different person. I remember everything I talked about. Of course, there are times where it's a little bit awkward,

but it gives me the opportunity to grow and to like learn new things. But man, we lost touch with connecting without drinking. It's interesting. Yeah, well, I think 100% we have. And it's the easy button. And there is a lot of socially uncomfortable people. You know, I was a socially, Well, it's weird because it was actually very outgoing, like my whole life. I think, again, it was just a perception of what I thought people thought about me. But, yeah, it takes time to adjust, but not really. I mean, it happens pretty quickly. And I'm the same, whoop, whoop, you know, like, she's sober.

Let's go. You know, I'm probably not, like, totally drop it on the dance floor, mostly because, again, I'm 44 and I can't do that. I don't have the alcohol is blimber. but it's like even through my relapses, I always laughed. So every Seahawks game I've ever gone to and I've gone to a lot, I've been sober. Ironically, you know, through all the time, I've always been sober at a Seahawks game. And one time in a previous relapse, I had Seahawks tickets like in the future. And I actually went to opening day and I was in a special like Toyota Suite or whatever.

And there's free alcohol everywhere. And I didn't even think about it because I'm sober and I'm, and I had a great time. And then I relapsed. And I was thinking about these tickets I had in two months. And all I kept thinking is, how am I going to go to the Seahawks game sober? I can't go sober to a Seahawks game, even though the 20 other times I've gone, they're sober. But that's what the alcohol does to you as soon as you start drinking or, you know, whatever. It convinces you that all of a sudden you need something, that you've been completely content.

without having. Sorry, it was kind of a tangent on relapse versus just people trying to moderate, but. Yeah. No, I mean, I love it. It's, it, it switches. Like, the things switch when you go back to drinking, too. How do things, um, look and feel for you moving forward from here? So moving forward, because I talk a lot and let's get to the nitty gritty. But long story short, back in July of 2021 is where I found my people. And this is the beautiful part of my story, even though there's been a lot of chaos that still happens after that. But I got really involved once again after another confrontation or, hey, I see you're drinking again, didn't want to go back to AA at all. I'm like, I've tried it, even though I barely tried it. I've tried it and

it doesn't work and da-da-da-da-da. But it was all I knew. and God had a big plan and I met my best friends to this day, that very pretty much first meeting. And it was the first time I feel like I gave it my all. I was all in. Travis was what I thought all in. Can look back now and go, wow, I think he might have been high the whole time. But I didn't know it at the time. Everybody always laughs at me. I never seem to know if people are drinking or high around me. even though I'm in the rooms, just like oblivious. But we were doing the deal and I had basically at that point in my recovery said I'm not going to make another person my higher power.

I am going to stay sober for me no matter what, whether they're sober or not. I'm not, you know, I kind of drew that line in the sand. And it was very slow and that's one thing I used to talk about all the time. I just went back and I was like, whatever. I'm just going to do it for a year. Even if I'm drinking or not drinking, I'm just not going to quit AA. I'm just going to try it. Do something different.

I was like grumpy and I'd see that at meetings. Like, eh, I'm just here because I don't know what else to do. And honestly, it wasn't even a bottom. If I could say there was any manageability in my drinking in the last 10 years, there was probably those couple months, you know, it really wasn't like how I described earlier. I mean, there's moments, but for the most part, it was okay. It wasn't in trouble. You know, my mom just was like, hey, I could tell you're drinking. You should go back. And that's the one the miracle happened was that time. You know, again, I've had a lot of miracle since. And my sobriety story is definitely not linear. And it wasn't a continuous amount of sobriety since then. But the shift in who I am and what I want, that shifted. And so pretty much, um, a,

I think I had about nine months, and I realized Travis was not sober, and we had some discussions about our future and all that. And he finally admitted he had a problem, and I thought everything was good. I got already felt myself choking up. I tell a story all the time. I don't actually. But fast forward a month, and he did not make it. And I found him downstairs, and he had...

overdosed and was on life support for about five days until we had to pull the plug. And I stayed sober through that. To me, that was like the biggest miracle of all. And I had this whole tribe of people that surrounded me. And I remember going to a meeting. We hadn't actually pulled the plug at where he was doing organ donation. And it was a Sunday, but I wanted to go to the meeting. And it was Memorial Day.

and everybody was doing sober softball and they all drove back early. And I walked into this meeting and it was like packed out with people. And she said, I have not cried about this in a long time. Stupid. No, it. I also haven't really talked to detail about it for a long time either. Anyways, I was like, I have people, like people who really like love and care about me. And then I went on a crusade of telling, you know, I was doing speaker meetings and all this stuff and trying to just like save a soul.

You know, that's always been my thing. If I could just save one person in my mixed up crazy, not perfect sober story, then I want to do that. And that I was telling you earlier, like that's when I TikTok kind of took off. But then it got really depressing. It was like, it's hard to sit in that and talk about that all the time. and it was a lot of delayed grief. I just was trying to find purpose in it. I didn't understand how a guy, in my opinion, that was perfect every other way.

I was the first guy that treated me like a queen and my son called him Travi Dad and loved him. Like, I don't understand why him. And so that was very confusing for me. But I had to grasp on. I wasn't going to be mad at God this time. I already did that. I was like, been there, done that with my dad. I'm going to make sense of this and heal the world.

world. And so I just did that. And then, as you can imagine, that's a lot of burden and stuff to carry. And so one day, again, that simple, we should have some tequila. I mean, I was literally doing a speaker meeting in three days. One of the meetings I was so excited about, the creme de la creme, the speaker meetings. And I felt like I arrived in my sobriety, and I was so excited. Yeah. And I threw it all away. And through that, there's a lot, you know, on off, on off.

Yeah. And the biggest common denominator is men, like I've talked about. Not that it's their fault, but I can, you know, we talked about a little bit of people not having responsibilities. And when I feel like somebody's supposed to be sober and they're not, it kisses me off. Like, why do I, because I have the kid and I have the house and I have the career and I have all the stuff, I'm the one that has to not do that and you can just gallivant all over and then I get pissed. And I say, screw it. And then I finally just had that realization,

like, why am I doing that for my life that's so beautiful to like, it was the first time I realized resentments lead to drinking, like really, like understood like, oh, if I carry resentment, within a, you know, whatever I'm going to drink. And so I worked freakishly hard on that over the last year because I don't know. I don't want to go back. I've done this. Again, I'm a grown adult, sadly, at this point in my life. Doesn't seem like it sometimes, but I am.

And I, and I cherish my life so much. It is wildly beautiful. um today and i am so happy just in my own skin now and so that was that one piece i think i just really didn't ever want to address or be told no you can't date that person because again that childhood side of me was like i deserve these men and i want them to fawn all over me and tell me i'm worthy and then i finally just was like any fine worth within you know by yourself and that's what I've got today. Thank God.

Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing that too. With the TikTok, were you sharing your experience with Travis in that as part of it? Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. And just I have, there's two things that I hate in the world. I mean, there's a lot.

I hate fentanyl. I hate fentanyl. But I hate Kratum. That, I feel like it was a gateway. I don't know your thoughts on cratom, but to me, he would always try to supplement with cratum. And it weirdly made me more irritated than heroin and then eventually the fentanyl that it was laced with. I think back then it was still not guaranteed. It was 100% fentanyl, you know, like it is today.

So I was just on a rampage. Like if I see a cratom sign outside, a gas station, it is everything within me to not go kick it down and scream. Yeah. Is that a thing where you live? I mean, here in Canada, not that I know of. I've never seen Kratum for sale. Like, I don't know if that's... Oh, it's everywhere. That's... So where you're at, yeah. I heard some states are moving towards banning it, but then they change the chemical slightly and whatever it just seems to be like they kind of figure out a system, but it's everywhere where you're at. You just walk in and buy Kratum. Yeah. Every babe shop, every gas station, it's in drinks now, you know.

and there's a lot of people that just insist it's fine but it's synthetic heroin for like I've got to say all intents and purposes again I have heard that though I mean I knew somebody really close to me too that got they were in the US and they got they got hooked on this cratim stuff ordering stuff from Russia and in all kinds of stuff and kind of when they got sober too like I mean the cupboards filled with with this stuff so you yeah, I mean, I think that it is a thing. I mean, I'm not overly, like, familiar with it, but I definitely see it as something that's keeping people around. There's withdrawal symptoms from it. It's serious. And serious withdrawal symptoms. I've never taken creditum. I just have experienced

with other friends that would insist that they were sober when they did crate them. And then when they stopped and again, had horrible withdrawal symptoms, they go, yeah, I was lying to myself. I knew that I wasn't sober. It's just, it's easily accessible. here. So, I don't know. That's a big pet peeve. So anyways, I went on a whole thing with that. And also, just look at me, not, well, yeah, it's probably ego. Look at me. I stayed sober during traumatic times. You never have to drink again. And so that was my platform as well. And then, obviously, I didn't make good distance. Yeah. And which kind of puts you probably in a difficult spot too, right? Because you have, I would imagine people looking up to you for the message of

things and then things are going, you know, well. And then life happens. And then you're in this different direction of things. And then maybe that's internalized of how you feel about yourself and how that, right? That is so many layers and dynamics there. And then I think what I've picked up on consistently in one way or another in the episode is like the like worthiness, right? You mentioned too like putting it in others like the way that they saw you and the way that they treated you and how that all played out and I mean maybe even work I know that's relatable for some people right their self-worth is how much money they make or you know how many hours they work or yeah all of that's of the career and I think yeah at the end of the day like that can leave us

feeling empty because will it ever be enough I know for somebody like me it doesn't matter literally doesn't matter I mean X amount of dollars this or that everybody else like it'll never be good enough. And for me, I had to get to that point, too, where I had to be good enough for me. And all of the flaws and everything that, you know, I'm not the best at and not great at. I had to find a level of acceptance.

You know, and I kind of, I pick up on that too with that kind of last share you had. That's something you've worked. It sounds like a lot in this last year. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think, you know, they always talk about the alcoholic, like the big ego, low self-worth. And I knew that early on. And I think that was the part that

confused me in recent nurses, because I actually did feel like, you know, people go, you know, you don't have to date the bottom of the barrel. I'm like, I know that. You know, I'm my catch. Like, I understand that logically. I think there's just, again, that wounded child, not to be all hippie-dippy, but there's something in me that still craves that. And early, earlier this year, I was laughing. I said I read the book. I think I read like a chapter, but it was, date yourself or be alone. I mean, it was like, what's something I can't even remember. But the gist I got out of it was about dating yourself, even in a relationship, make sure you're constantly taking care of you. And I just was like, I'm already independent,

but I'm like, I want to be like, well, actually, sorry, to interact. rep myself. One thing they said is if you were told, like if someone says, are you okay with never dating again for the rest of your life? How do you feel about that statement? That was the big key takeaway. And I remember thinking, I'm actually pretty happy alone, but like forever, I mean, that's forever, ever, I don't know about that. And it basically stated that unless you're totally like, I'm going to be okay with it, then you probably have some self-growth. And I'm at the point where I actually am okay with it. It's not what I want for my life because I believe in love.

And I think I have another 45, 50 years. And I want someone to take care of me when I'm really old and broken. But I feel like I really am okay with being alone. And so people go, are you dating? No. Like, why not? I'm like, well, just because you're single doesn't mean you have to date. Like, it's not just an open door to say I'm out dating.

If something comes along that is in alignment with me and adds value to my life, yeah, I'm open to it. But that was the catalyst. And so this year, it wasn't even just like doing stepwork and like working at myself. It was gardening and landscaping and digging and all this manual labor and pressure washing and just being super content, you know. yes, I still want a man to get up on my roof. It scares me and it needs to get clean. But if I can do it myself, I'm doing it. And it was just super satisfying. And I just felt really connected to God out there. You know, a lot of people are in nature and doing that. And I just really, I'm just super happy with myself. And I read the Bible last year, the whole Bible. It's excruciating. But I did it. Yeah. So I just doing a lot of that. kind of stuff. And I just woke up one day. I'm like, oh, okay. I think I've healed a little bit. Always a work in progress. But yeah, I'm good. Yeah, that's great. And maybe that too is like

rebuilding or reconnecting with our identity of like, you know, the stuff we'd love to do. I mean, everything you listed off there, I'm like, man, that's like a perfect day for me. Power washing and doing the gardens. I'm like, man, I'm on cloud nine. I don't want anything. anything more in the summer months than just to have some time doing those things. It brings so much joy and content as to where my other life, it had to be extremes, right? It had to be going here, going to the nice place or this or that. And now I just find the most joy. And like, can I just cut the grass for like 30 minutes?

Like, why do you just want to cut the grass? I'm like, it's like the most beautiful thing for me to do in my life. I love it. Put on some music and do that. Yes. people go, oh, you like to, like the fruit of gardening, you know, with like vegetables. I'm like, kind of. That's not actually what I love.

My most favorite part of the whole year was literally me digging huge gardens in the ground because I didn't have money or tools to build garden beds. And I finally was thinking, I have a half acre. Like, I'm just going to dig it in the ground. Why am I waiting? And doing all that and the tilling and pulling weeds. So if I'm ever discontented or feeling off or depressed or stressed or freaked out about finances, I just go in my backyard and do some work and I feel better.

Yeah, beautiful. You had mentioned two, I think you said three days away from like a year on this stretch of things too. 17th. So two days away. Two days. But by the time this airs, yay. Yeah, which is great. I really appreciate you jumping on here in sharing your story.

I feel will be relatable to many of, you know, time here and time there. And we talked a little bit too. And everybody could share something different, their experience. But I really think you do pick up, you know, some things. It was always mentioned to me of like planting seeds. And I went to rehab when I was 17 and things didn't work out. And I did this program. And then I went to my first day meeting.

He did the steps at 18 and didn't work out then. either and I was like well when is it ever going to work out and I had this one counter and he said you know what is all planting seeds you keep watering them and the people around you will water them and surround yourself with good people and you'll get some water on these seeds and then like the day I got sober was never the play or the plan or you know in on the bingo card for that day but that's the way it played out and I really think it was a it was a buildup of sort of everything else that I had done that I thought oh man that didn't work you know that didn't yeah church didn't work and church didn't work and celebrate recovery didn't work and rehab didn't work and this didn't work.

But I think everything was working. Just maybe not right the second I wanted it to work. I hear that in kind of a lot of people's stories of, you know, very rare, I think, kind of referred to as dinosaurs out there of somebody who's like, okay, I'm quitting drinking today and that's it. Never look back. Never look back. Like I feel like that's kind of like the dinosaur story.

I'm always like, ah, you're not a real alcoholic then. Maybe cut that out. I'm like, what? Put that on the funny is the extended version. Any closing thoughts that you would like to mention or leave anybody with, you know, if they're struggling to get or stay sober? Honestly, there's one last piece that kind of had left off, but I think just keep trying things.

I mean, you just touched on it. I've tried everything. And I think, honestly, each piece has helped me. And it does help me to grow. But this last year, It wasn't AA's fault. I was just like, been there, done that. That's not working. And so this last year, I literally went to one meeting a week. That's it. And I was just like, whatever, I'm doing church, reading my Bible, still trying to figure things out. And then one day I took a service

position back in November. And then all of a sudden, I'm being of service. I go to four or five meetings a week. I'm on a new AA pink cloud. I have a new sponsor. I'm pulling. I'm pulling. I'm pumped and I thought, you know what, maybe that was God's plan for me, you know? Get me pink clouding in the time where I usually kind of struggle and now push me past it. And so I just, I feel like God is just with me this time so hand in hand. And it's so exciting to like look over and be like, God, are you like right here? Are we doing this miracle thing together? This is cool. I'm here for it. Your will, not mine. But a lot of people, could have judged me for this last year and said, you should go to more and you need to do this

and just kind of stay true to yourself while also taking, you know, advice and feedback, be open to that. But everyone journey is different and you got to find what works for you. And at the end of the day, if you get 24 hours sober and another 24 hour sober, I'm proud of you, you know, just keep doing that and figure it out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, a beautiful way to to wrap things up sort of maybe some of the differences, you know, and things you're plugging into this time. And I think there's so much truth to that too, like to find, to find whatever it is that's going to work for you to, you know, to stay on this track. And I think build some connection and community and taught with people that are, that are relatable. But like you mentioned too,

like I see a lot of people, especially when they join our online community, like they'll attend both meetings every day for like two months. And then, and then they'll like, they'll maybe cut back a little bit. And I think people get this sort of general message of like, now you're not doing it right. And I always say, you just have to be honest with yourself. Maybe that's where you're at. And if you're being, you know, really honest with yourself, then that's where you're at. But there's no, I don't think there's anything that says if you do two meetings every day, you're guaranteed X result. And there's nothing that says if you don't do anything, you're guaranteed X result. Like, it's going to be different, you know, journeys, different paths. But don't miss out on the

part you're how you're kind of feeling a slip or a slide or a drift and then it's like okay i don't need to go and yeah so we just have to look within on that thank you again so much um thank you so much brad loved it and have a good one yeah i will thank you well there it is another incredible episode here on the podcast you shout out to tanya thank you so much for jumping on and sharing your story with all of us if you haven't left a review yet on apple or spotify what are you doing jump over there leave a review, tell people how much you love the show. If you made it until the end here, you must love the show. And I hope to see a few of you plug into the Just Between Us podcast.

I think it will give you a better understanding of who I am, maybe why I'm so passionate about this work and why this is what I do 24-7 every day for the last eight years here virtually, I guess. But I've been working with people trying to get and stay sober for the last 14 years. in one way or another, from rehab to detox to medical clinics, to outpatient clinics, to different programs here locally and then, you know, virtually mentorship in the community and the podcast and so many fun opportunities. And I just love doing it.

It's not always easy work. Not always easy at all. This is very difficult for a lot of people. And there's a lot riding on it. There's a lot to lose if this doesn't work out for some people, depending on where they're at in their journey. But it's where I'm at. It's what I love to do.

So we'd love to see you guys plug into something and get to know you a little bit more. Yeah, thanks for hanging out as always and I'll see you on the next one.