Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Navigating Childhood Trauma and the Path to Sobriety with Emily

Episode Date: October 23, 2025

In this episode of the Sober Motivation Podcast, Emily joins the show to share her powerful story of growing up with alcoholic parents, her own struggles with addiction, and the journey to sobriety. Emily recounts her move to Texas, feelings of disconnection, and major life challenges, including an unplanned pregnancy and battling an eating disorder. We explore Emily’s slow, nonlinear path of recovery after decades of chronic relapse, twenty institutions, a DUI with her child in the car, and ongoing neurological damage from alcohol use—all while mothering four children. She discusses her multiple stints in rehab and what led her to get sober again in 2016.  Emily also speaks about her memoir, 'Wife, Mother, Drunk,' which explores her family's generational trauma, her personal experiences, and her path to healing and understanding.   Sober Motivation Community: https://sobermotivation.mn.co Support the Show here: https://buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivation Connect with Emily on IG here: https://www.instagram.com/emilyredondo_author/    

Welcome back to season four of the Super Motivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We're here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode of the podcast, Emily joins the show to share her powerful story of growing up with alcoholic parents, her own struggles with addiction, and the journey to sobriety. Emily recounts removed to Texas, feelings of disconnection, and major life challenge including an unplanned pregnancy and battling an eating disorder.

We explore Emily's slow, non-linear path to recovery after decades of chronic relapse, 20 institutions, and a DUI with her child in the car, an ongoing neurological damage from alcohol use, all while mothering four children. She discusses her multiple stints in rehab and what led her to get sober again in 2016. Emily also speaks about her memoir, wife, mother, drunk, which, explores her family's generational trauma, her personal experiences, and her path to healing and understanding. And this is Emily's story on the sober motivation podcast. Welcome back to another episode. Brad here. If it's your first time here, this will be new for you. If you've been here for a

while, you've probably heard this before. But we would love to have you in the suburb motivation community. I was thinking about what makes a community special. In the sober space, we have a lot of meetings, yes, we do have that. We have a great way to chat. We have a lot of vulnerability, a lot of connection. But I was thinking, what does really make a community special? And maybe it's obvious to everyone else and wasn't to me, but it's the people. The people that are involved. I had one person to reach out to me recently that just couldn't believe it. They had joined a couple of meetings and people were sending them messages afterwards just cheering for them. And for them, it was so confusing.

Why do these people that I don't even really know care about my sober journey? And people that I know that are close to me might not even be as interested in my sober journey as these kind of quote unquote strangers are. And there could be layers to that. But I think one of the points to make there is that people that have been through it and understand how difficult it is to get out of it, they have a lot of empathy to deploy back into other people that are still struggling. So I want to give all of you an invite to come and check us out at the Subur Motivation community. We have daily meetings where you get connected with an awesome community, a bunch of different hosts.

I host three meetings a week and we have, I want to say about 10 different people that host meetings. So you're going to get a big variety of perspectives and everything like that. And that's what's important because I'm not sitting up here like, like I have all the answers and I know everything far from it. I mean, that would be extremely naive of me to think anywhere close to that. And I definitely don't.

But a lot of people that are part of the community have come on the podcast and shared. And a lot of people that listen to the podcast have come into the community. And it's really been incredible. And we had that big event in Toronto. And, you know, that's still there. In my memories, you know, it was a core memory. It'll be there forever. Kind of our first event where we spent, you know, a year or,

or year plus, some of us in this virtual space. And then we hung out in real life and it was like we didn't even skip a beat. I mean, it was just incredible. All around just incredible. My friend Melissa, her and I recorded a podcast specifically about the meetup that we had in Toronto with the community. Our thoughts, our takeaways over on the Sober New Yorker podcast. So if you want that link, just send me a message on Instagram.

I can get it for you or just search on Spotify or Apple. and you'll be able to track it down. But it was a really cool experience. So people that are part of the community are going to get invited to upcoming events and stuff that we're going to be putting together because it was just that cool. It was the weekend was just that incredible to connect with other people that are on the same journey. And that's what it's all about.

That's what brings us together. Everybody in the community has different backgrounds and different things that brought them right to that moment. But when we land there, our mission is all the same to leave the alcohol behind. It's to live our best lives. And by the time we get there, we've realized. By the time you get here listening to the show, you've realized. Alcohol is not helping you out in any way at all.

Maybe you're still believing in the idea that it is, but I'm telling you, from my experience, there's no benefits. At least for my life. My life, there's no benefits. There never will be. There never really was. I think it was all just a lie that I, just bought into and believed that it was helping me out in areas of my life and it never was. It was never authentic.

That's the thing with alcohol. It's, yeah, maybe it helps you relax and connect with other people. It did that for me, but it was never authentically me. And I think when we go against the grain for long enough and get so far away from our truth, that's when we start to have that internal struggle that a lot of people talk about on the podcast. So we'd love to have you guys joining the community. Incredible stuff. We're looking at crossing over 200 members.

So we're really making a big push here. You're going to hear a lot about the community because I had a few people message me And they say, I didn't know anything about the community. And I'm thinking, you know what? I just don't talk about it enough. And part of me is like, well, I don't want to bother people. If they're not interested, then I don't want to bother anybody. But here we are.

And hopefully I'll bother a few people that will take action and enter into the community and potentially change everything for you. It has for so many people. So the first month is free. I hope to see you there. Come and join a meeting. Come say hi. We have a chat there.

We'll connect. And I really love when people from the podcast jump in and, you know, share their experience and start chatting and, you know, open up and let people know who you really are. And I think that's when the healing begins on this whole journey because I think we all know. At least I do. This is a lot less about just not drinking alcohol than it is about all of the things. that come afterwards. So, and if you're enjoying the podcast, don't forget, I haven't mentioned this for a bit either. You can jump over to buy me a coffee.com slash sober motivation and donate to support the show.

Helps covering all the subscription costs and everything else involved with keeping the show going. Thank you guys again for hanging out. Let's dive into Emily's story. This was an incredible episode, really incredible episode. I thought Emily did a really great job with sharing her story and the time constraint. I feel like we could have went on for another hour or two hours. And maybe we will start doing longer episodes. You guys let me know, though.

Send me a message on Instagram. I always love hearing from you. And I'll drop the link to check out the community down on the show notes below. Or you can also check on Instagram. Now let's get to the show. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got Emily with us. How are you?

I'm great. Thanks. Yeah, so great to have you. Glad we could share your story here on the podcast. What was it like for you growing up? Okay, so really, I should preface this by saying both of my parents are alcoholics. I didn't really realize that my mom was an alcoholic just because my dad's brand was so stereotypical, the raging alcoholic that you never know was going to explode type of situation.

So I really grew up kind of wanting to be a good girl, wanting my dad to really, you know, I wanted to be the one that kind of made him happy. And let's just say I didn't succeed. But we moved to Texas when I was in second grade and my mom had another baby. And I just, I really had a hard time settling in and, you know, reestablishing my place, not just in the family, but. in life around me. It was like a complete culture shock. And the dynamics of my parents was my mom was completely focused on my father. So there was, you know, I know neglect is a really hard, harsh word. I don't really want to say that. But it was all about, you know, because my mom was scared too. So it was a lot of her drinking was kind of to numb out. And,

take care of my dad's emotion. Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing that. Where were you born then if you made this move to Texas? Where were you before? Minnesota. Okay. Yeah, that's a big change. Yeah, and I think one of the things that was so different was my mom grew up with seven brothers and sisters.

So I had a lot of aunts and uncles and cousins. and in a way I had multiple mothers, you know, and also this established kind of like my cousins were family. And then all of a sudden, all of that was gone. And I didn't understand it. I was just a kid. So. Yeah. Oh, it's so funny that you landed in Texas, too. I mean, I was born in Canada, and then when I was in, you know, fifth grade or something, my mom, which was a single, mom at the time of twins, she decided to move to Texas. So I can relate to you in a sense, too. And we lived with my grandparents before that. And my grandmother had, she had, what, 15, 16, brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, everybody around, right? Like, it takes a village, you know.

That's what I mean. And we had, we had that. And then, yeah, when we went there, at the time, I didn't really know, like you mentioned, just being a kid. But when I look back, That's when my anxiety started. My self-esteem was really low. I felt disconnected when I looked back. But at the time, I didn't really know what was going on. Where in Texas did you guys move to? Waco, Texas.

Oh, okay. Same place? No, we moved to this, it's a suburb north of Dallas called Plano at the time. And it was brand spanking new. It was like this huge explosion. happened and I mean everything was spotless I'm used to you know the outskirts of Minneapolis where I mean stuff had been there you know our house was old everything was old in here everything was new all the trees were like this tall um on our street and it was it was so

strange it was just very weird yeah where do things go for you from there I had, well, so my mom got sober. I actually, I did this thing that you never do in an alcoholic family, and I told someone that I think my dad might be an alcoholic. And the aftermath of that was, you know, I was kind of the target of, my dad was very, very angry and resentful. My mom ended up taking me to an Al-a-team meeting, And she went, it was, they had an Al-Anon meeting going on at the same time.

She went to Al-Anon at the same time that I went to Al-A-Tine and kind of came, you know, came to the conclusion that she had a problem and she needs to quit. And I'm sure, you know, she knew she did. But like I said, my dad's was so center stage. And so I was 15 when my mom told me, hey, I'm an Al-A-Lan. alcoholic too, and, you know, I was enraged. It felt like she just completely betrayed me. Because at the time, you know, an alcoholic symbolized something so fierce and destructive. And I thought, how dare you? You know, I felt very kind of alone, I think.

And also, my dad just got, I mean, can you imagine a household where they've been married like, I don't know, 20 years. And now my mom's going to AA. And my dad, like, nothing's the same. It was a war zone. And my mom just couldn't leave him because of financial reasons at the time. And, you know, we weren't, we were on the, we were getting by. basically. My mom was always balancing the checkbook kind of the thing.

So I had just a lot of anger. I didn't know why. And in high school, I was super unpopular. Kind of a loner couldn't quite fit in. It's sort of an affluent suburb. And it certainly was at the time that I was in high school. And so I did feel like an outsider major. I didn't really have a friend group.

And my graduating class was, like, I think, around 1,400 kids. So, you know, it's really easy to kind of disappear. So that's sort of what happened. And then I had some traumatic things happen right before my senior year. And then I went to college and had another. traumatic experience my freshman year. And it was just sort of like these things were kind of piling on. I didn't know how to deal with them.

They were totally shameful. I thought, oh, my God, what have I done? And I just stuffed it. And we might think I'm never going to become someone like my parents, you know. Yeah. And lo and behold, here I start. on that same path without even really having an awareness of it. Yeah. Well, I think even, too, I hear a lot on the podcast, especially in the college years, it's just so normalized for a lot of people. So even if you

do, I mean, I think as humans too, we're really good. At least I know I am really good at talking myself out of ending up like anybody else or having the consequences that they had. Like, that's their story, but it'll never be mine. I'm always so interested about this topic with your parents struggling with drinking and how that affects you growing up. I hear a lot and maybe this is relatable, maybe not. But it's like what happens in the home stays in the home. Don't talk about it. Don't share about it. And whether people are outwardly saying that, that might kind of be the vibe that people have picked up. And then I see that really catching up with some people throughout their stories when things start happening in life is because that's kind of what we've known.

is that we're not supposed to share about it. Don't get help. Don't talk to anybody about it. We'll deal with it. We'll keep it here. I mean, is that relatable at all to maybe when these other things happened in your life, feeling like you didn't have the tools to reach out or to share? I mean, definitely.

And I think part of the, you know, there's always this urge to kind of simplify the issues someone has with alcohol. Like I want it to be simple enough and easy enough that I can do this, this, this, this, and all my problems are going to be solved. And I think one of the things about growing up in those kind of homes is there's so much invisible tension. And when you're a child, you know, it's sort of like either I can make this better. I'll make mommy or daddy happy, or it's, I can't do anything that's going to make this worse. So I want to be good. I mean, how good is a kid?

You know, we're all good, but still something happens. And I go into this in my book a little bit and some scenes, but we think it's our fall. We think maybe why isn't mom or dad happy? It's also, we don't know what's going on. I did not know that it was these beverages that was destroying things. I didn't even really understand what drinking was because everyone drank. Everyone drinks. I just knew that, gosh, my mom's acting weird.

Why isn't she listening to me? You know, these kind of things. And then as I got older, when I ended up my senior year, my first boyfriend, and my naivete, and this kind of goes into the fact that we don't talk about anything in an alcoholic home, is I ended up with an unplanned pregnancy at 17. And, you know, I'm in Texas. And I couldn't tell my mom. I couldn't tell anybody because I thought it's going to make, you know, I'm going to officially be bad.

But also, I didn't want to burden my mom. I didn't want to, like, bring anything. like, how horrible? Like, how's she going to handle this? And so we kind of take on this child caretaker sort of thing. Like, I'm going to be able to manage my parents' emotions a little bit by my own behavior. So I think it kind of stems from that. And we don't know any different.

We don't, I did not know how to share this because the way of somebody treats me or acknowledges me as how I measure how lovable I am. And I wanted people, whoever you were, to accept me, like me, love me, that type of thing. Yeah. Yeah, some people have thrown out too, like a perfectionist or overachiever, really trying to, you know, hit the target in those areas too, right? so that maybe parents or other people around us too would maybe identify value there or see that we're doing well or, you know, not to ripple the waters. I hear that. I think they kind of go hand in hand, actually, you know, because if we can, you know, master these, you know, these really high,

high achievements that, you know, appear to be perfection or we're striving to do this, that the feedback we're going to get from that, whether it's, you know, it's almost always external, right? It's whatever we're trying to, whether it's a grade, a college acceptance, you know, whatever this is, it makes us feel like, wow, I have value. I'm important in this world, you know. Yeah. Yeah. No, and I've heard a lot of people share on that. I mean, it wasn't personally my experience, but on the podcast, I've heard a lot of people that, you know, grew up in homes, you know, dynamics are probably a little bit different across the board, but very relatable to, you know, what they kind of shared. It felt like they had to grow up pretty quick and, you know, stuff like

that. And I think like what you mentioned, too, is kind of the nail on the head, too, is when you're kind of going through it all, when you're young, don't really realize it, but looking back, I mean, obviously, you've done the work and reflecting back in this sort of time in your life to really see things for, you know, where you are today. How do things look like for you in university? And you mentioned, too, like you start leaning into drinking then and in college. So I feel like I was prepped for it. Like I could have really to. And I did go out and drink and go to bars with fake IDs and get myself into, you know, a big bunch of trouble. But my primary, I did, I don't think I went full fledged.

into it because I had another addiction, an eating disorder, and like this addiction to being attractive and appealing and been beautiful, this sort of chaos that as strange as it sounds, I was so obsessed with calories and my body image that drinking, I'm, I'm just, I'm I mean, drinking was going to get me bad, you know, the freshman 15 kind of thing. So while I would go out and completely just binge drink on the weekends every once more, or that was part of my thing, it wasn't, in hindsight, looking back, I don't think it was as bad as it very much could have been. Yeah. Because I had other, I was, you know, we do this addiction, switcheroo. And at the time, I was more focused on another one.

Yeah. And when you look at that and in that time, I mean, the fuel behind that, like, is that, is there any part of that that's like a sense of control, like opposite of maybe the chaos growing up? Yeah, 100%. Definitely. And it's also something that is untouchable in my head. Like, you can't make me do X, Y, and Z. The first time I threw up was in high school and I was still living at home. And, man, it was the same sort of relief that you get when you take that first drink of alcohol.

You know, it was like, wow, I just got rid of all that angst and disturbance inside me. And I feel, I feel relief, a sense of. Relief and, you know, what did they say? Like relief and comfort. So. Yeah. There was that. I also think that there was a point in time when I was, you know, before my mom got sober

and her house was so chaotic that I would eat my feelings. So food was comfort to me. And later when I got into high school and I was struggling with bulimia, I got thinner. And man, people liked me a lot more when I was thinner. I got more attention. I know it was more complimentary. And it's such a screwed up system.

But it was like, oh, okay, people like me now. So I need to keep doing this. And, you know, then I just ran away with me. Yeah. But this going on, well, you're sharing there too before, kind of not put the brakes on, you know, of the alcohol, but you were more mindful in that direction too, right? So, but school, I mean, are you doing well in school, grades-wise and showing up?

Yeah, I'm still kicking myself because I did get a B in a walking class that I took and I'm like, oh, gosh. But, yeah, I mean, I still cared about my grades and I'm trying to manage all these different things. And I was at A&M and I was doing a, and I was doing a, okay with that. I was proud to be in college. And it's sort of when I looked back and I didn't really know what I was. Like, was I career oriented? Was I really driven to be a fill in the blank? No, I wasn't. I was so aimless. But I know I needed to get good grades and, you know, I didn't

want to flunk out. And so yeah, I was a good student. And then my, you know, it was like in the spring, I was sexually assaulted. And I mean, I just went crazy. After that. Yeah. What year were you in when that happened? I was a freshman. Oh, that was when you were a freshman. Wow. Yeah. And this is sort of the event you were sharing before that happened and not really knowing where to talk to or like talk to anybody or share. I think because I didn't know how to, you know, it's like I just assumed, wow, this is my fault. and I know people are going to really grill me if I say anything. I didn't tell my friends. I didn't deal with it.

I mean, I just tried to lock it away. And that doesn't really work. Yeah. It comes out different ways, but that was one of those things where, you know, we have, like, and that, I mean, that is legit trauma. as is, you know, I got an abortion when I was 17. And, I mean, I'd never even been to, like, a female doctor. This whole, the whole thing, it was like, I was so unprepared, inexperienced, uneducated.

You know, it's like, almost like I raised myself, and now here I'm in all these terrible things. And they just sort of pile on top of each other. And. Yes. I don't know that's happening. I think, oh, that happened. It's in the past. I'm moving on kind of thing.

Yeah. Yeah. And then you really lean into drinking and stuff after that. How do you wrap up college and stuff? How does that look for you? I mean, that was very adventurousome. So I ended up leaving A&M at the end of my sophomore year. I got married.

I moved to Idaho with my husband. And another culture shock, another case of massive homesickness, ended up going into treatment for eating disorder, and I was served divorce papers while I was in treatment. So moved back to Texas, freshly divorced, enrolled in classes at Texas Women's University in Denton. and started to kind of tiptoe in the in the in the I didn't really feel like I was dating but there was a a good friend of mine who I got back in contact with and um I ended up pregnant so I was 23 pregnant and um became a single mom still in school working full time

and and this was back in Texas. Yeah. How did this all happened within, you know, the marriage and all that within two years, I think. That's some two years. Yeah. Yeah, things picked up speed for you then. So you go to your first kind of rehab, right? Rehab, you called it for the Indian disorder?

It was a treatment. It was at a hospital, a medical hospital in Dallas for eating disorder. And I think I was so, I did not know what is going on, but what I would call it now is like a Ph. Like a partial hospitalization type of thing. And was that like your idea, like you were interested in doing that or how did that come about? Well, I think people were really concerned about me. My mom was very concerned. I had started, which before the internet, you don't know what you're doing.

You don't know that anybody else is doing it too. It's so unspoken and unseen. And I had started cutting on myself a lot. I did not know at the time that anyone had ever thought of that or had ever done it. I don't know where it came from. And I got to that eating disorder treatment. And I saw for the first time a girl that had cut marks on her ankles. And she saw mine.

And she was like, hmm, you do it too. And it was like, wow. I'm with my peak in a psychiatric unit of a hospital in Dallas. So, yeah, that was really. that was really eye-opening, but it was such a different world. I mean, there's no, you can't like, I mean, how do you even get educated on these kind of things? It's impossible. So I did that, and it was really good.

And, you know, shortly thereafter, I feel like I'm back on track, and another singer comes my way. So. Yeah. What's the Zinger? Getting pregnant with my daughter. Getting pregnant. Okay. Yeah. And then where do you go from there? I mean, that's, yeah, 23 years old. I, you know, it's weird. It's sort of like after I had my daughter, I felt spooky as this is. I felt kind of like, oh, I'm, I'm purified. I'm now, you know, a mother and

all is new and here I go. So I was still in school and, you know, I would sometimes take her to class with me and, you know, the professor or other students would hold, you know, take turns holding her and there was, it was really great until my senior year. And she was definitely, she was over a year. And it's funny because I remember this so vividly that I was driving home from campus, which is about a 45-minute drive, and it was a Friday, and I was absolutely swamped with classwork. And I thought, gosh, you know, other moms have a glass of wine at the end of the week.

And, you know, they, I mean, I'm legal age. She's like, what's the harm of that? And it sounded great. And I stopped and bought myself a little four pack of mini wines, but I didn't want to drink in front of my mom, which is very, very, I think, thought-provoking to say the least. And I had this daughter. So I would sneak into my bedroom and drink it alone.

and then walk out and feel like, oh, okay. But I knew, I was like, this is not good. This is not normal. And I, this is not. This is something, this is screwed up. So I knew, but I wasn't, you know, I didn't think there was a problem. But there was something in my gut that was like, this is, this is kind of screwed up. So.

Yeah. Were you staying with your parents then? At that time? So my parents had divorced by then, and I moved out of my apartment and in with my mother. My mom was still working full time. And so she was supportive for sure. And yeah, but that's really where I would say that I'd really hit the danger zone with the drinking. And it was shortly thereafter that I was just kind of wheels off.

Yeah, shortly after there. Yeah, I mean, that's kind of the, you know, some of those red flags, I guess we could call it, right? When we look back, there's those certain behaviors maybe that, you know, are identifiers, I guess, or maybe that we're headed in that direction too. And it seems like you kind of in your gut anyway connected the dots of sort of that behavior, how you were kind of going about your drinking. I mean, what you said probably makes a ton of sense. I think of, you know, moms have the have a wine at the end. of the week or however that plays out. But maybe I would kind of wonder too, you know, maybe how different it looked, you know, for everybody, right? And how that kind of, you know, played out. And I think what I saw in my parents was like the end phase, right? It's like when it's already, they've already been drinking since their 20s or 15, you know. So I see this end up the spectrum with my parents.

And me over here on the, the beginning stage, I don't see any, like my drinking, no, no, no, no, no. It's not like theirs. Yeah. But I don't realize that we're on the same path. Yeah. That makes sense. They're just farther along than I am.

Yeah. Yeah. It makes so much sense. I'm just wondering too, and I mean, related to the story in a sense, but do you think there would have been anything said, done, that would have opened your eyes to maybe the bigger picture of kind of how this thing potentially could end? I mean, I think we can, you know, history tells us a lot, right? Where we see where other people go and we could do a pretty good job guessing. But I think the reality is none of us really know what tomorrow or the next day or, you know, 20 years from now

holds. So, I mean, I don't know that we could say with guarantee, if you're identifying red flags and your early to mid-20s that it's going to be the same unless you get sober. I think the odds are probably great that things are going to continue to go downhill. But is there anything that could have changed the way that you're going about it? And I'm thinking about that for the big reason about anybody who's listening to the podcast right now. And they're kind of in that spot where they're keeping things together, right? It's a spectrum. You know, you have one side. The whole world is falling apart. The other side is somebody's never drank before, and then there's a ton of us that fall in the middle at different notches. Anything come to mind or no?

So hindsight is tricky because I try not to apply what I know now with where I was then. And I don't know if I would have been willing or able to hear something at that point in my 20s. I do think that really this starts super young. Because if I had been growing up as a child and could at least know that what was going on with my parents had to do with drinking and what that was, just some age appropriate understanding that it would have impacted me on a, like, I'd be able to try to, possibly envisioned the bigger picture by the time I hit my 20s. I was so used to, like, my life was snowball to where snowball was normal. And I didn't really kind of connect anything at the time. And a time moves slower in real life than it does in our, you know,

when we look at our timeline, right? It's just regular minute by minute. And I didn't know what the answer was. I didn't know who I was, right? I mean, we just skipped that part growing up to where we'd kind of figure out, like, who and what we are. And, you know, when my daughter was three, I thought, you know, oh, here's a really put-together guy,

even though I don't really have any. anything in common with him, I think I'll get married. And that's what I did, you know, and then again, I'm divorced again, right? And I don't know how to live on my own after that. And I'm failing so hard for that I'm drinking to not feel that failure. And I also don't think I really comprehended the fact that, like, there's not a lot of room in my family tree. to be a regular drinker, to have normal drinking experience. So I missed my daughter's first aid of kindergarten because I was in my first rehab. How old were you then? I think I was 28. How did that, how did this come about, this rehab? Okay, my first rehab came because I was living with, um,

I was living in Florida with my daughter and in a, I like stumbled into a horrific relationship with a guy who, um, was a heroin addict. But I was, I was so ridiculously, um, I think now I think it's stupid, but I didn't really know what heroin was. I mean, I had never. done any drugs or yeah so um and also this was the beginning uh like oxycotton days and so uh he was getting prescriptions for that as well and i it was a it was a real nightmare and my mom ended up buying me a plane ticket uh to a family reunion in minnesota and when i got back um there was a little bit of an intervention where I went to treatment for the first time at a place called Valley Hope. Yeah. What are your thoughts on on that or what were your thoughts at the time? So this is sort of, I remember being in there and I didn't really know that it was PTSD, but it was

definitely PTSD. I mean, I just was really mentally mentally. I mean, I just was really mentally, screwed up at the time and those around me kind of thought, gosh, if Emily just stops drinking, then everything will be fine. That's all she needs to do is just stop drinking and all your problems will work out. And so I went through that program and came out on the other side of without a single bit of life skills or, you know, and it, I had a better understanding about what was going on with me, but I didn't have the tools or the skills to, like, apply it into my own mind. And it wasn't long after where this is the part of sobriety that I really think is so worthy of a conversation is that I could get sober. You know, working the 12 steps,

doing those types of things, I could get sober. What I couldn't do is stay sober primarily because I did not want to deal with reality. Yeah, powerful. Life on life's terms, that's what one of my earliest mentors would say. You don't have a problem with drinking in drugs. You got a problem with life on life's terms. Exactly. Yeah. I think too that is. Way back though for some of us, you know. Mm-hmm. Well, for sure. Yeah. And I think too, that is a thought process out there that it's like the alcohol is the problem and it's causing all these problems and it's not helping anything, but it's, you know, it's learning how to deal with the emotions. and emotional sobriety and everything else, too, after we, you know, get sober, right,

and learning those tools and how do we implement them? A lot of people I work with, this is what I see, right? They've listened to all the podcasts. They read all the books. They went to the programs. They've had the therapists. They have everything. That's on one side of the bridge.

On the other side of the bridge is the sobriety. It's like, how do we implement all of the stuff we know and how do we bring it into our daily life of everything that we've learned or, you know, the things we're trying to do? like how do we kind of cross that bridge and practice these things and whatever it is that we're doing? I mean, you're spot on. And I think, you know, drinking, that was my answer. It wasn't my problem. That was my answer.

And it didn't matter in these moments because there's this kind of thing of like hyper-analysing or relapse. And I mean, I can't say. tell you how many times I've been lectured about a relapse, relapse prevention, all these types of things from people who have never, ever experienced it. I'm curious on that, too, though, about relapses, because I think in the notes that that were sent over, like, you experienced it a lot. It was something you went through quite a bit. Is that true? Yeah, did. Did I read that right or no? No, that's right. So, like, the first time I got sober, I stayed sober for a couple years, and then,

again, I got sober for about, for a little over four years. But then when I relapsed, I can't remember what year it was. It was, I guess, the very beginning of 2010, maybe. It was just, I mean, I just couldn't do any of it. And there was never, I mean, starting back from this. days still in Texas as a single mom. It's not like I had this idea I could drink again or that I thought maybe, you know, I don't have a problem or it'll be able to manage it this time. I mean, I knew from my first foot in a meeting that, I mean, I knew I was an alcoholic,

like 100%. There was no doubt. It's it's the fact that I have this weight on me of so much. I can't even explain it. And I cannot go. It's like my feelings are going to kill me. I can't go on one more minute and I just don't care right now. I have to, I have to stop feeling this. And I'll, and I'll drink. And I don't care of the consequences of the time. Yeah. And also, I knew it wouldn't end well. Yeah.

Yeah, there's a lot of stuff about relapse that just completely was not my experience at all. And it's not to say that that isn't other people's experience. It just wasn't mine. Yeah. I'm curious, too, on that. Because you mentioned that you knew you were an alcoholic. and you knew that it wasn't going to end well. And then you go back to drink it anyway.

Do you feel that there's any difference between knowing and accepting like this as my truth or my life? Is there any difference there for you? Yeah, I think there is definitely a difference. I certainly had both, right? I mean, I knew enough that it's not like I have the power to change it. And it didn't matter. if I liked it or not, it was a fact.

And I just don't think these kind of like basic tools for living, you get to a point where no option looks good. And I'm going to pick the one that I know the best. Yeah. And it works. And it works the one that works the quickest. And it might kill me. but I feel like I'm already getting killed.

So. Yeah. I'm curious. I mean, there's the two sides of the coin there too, right? Like the pain that you're experiencing and going through feels like it's going to kill you. And then the drinking, on the other hand, you know, feels like it is as well. You know, but you go with what you know is going to work and is going to work fast. It's always interesting, though.

I hear a lot in these stories that people relate to alcohol. You know, it's, it works so well. but then a lot of people seem to share, you know, maybe towards the end or something, man, it stopped delivering on its promise of how it took away the emotional pain. And then maybe at some point, too, the scales start to really shift. Like, at some point, it seems like there is consequence, but maybe it's manageable consequence. And then maybe it seems like, okay, you know, like things are starting. It's really not working and all this stuff's happening.

Like, did you experience that at all towards the end? Oh, my God, yes. And, you know, this is deep. I don't know if you're, are you a parent? Yeah, three kids. Yeah, I had young kids. And I say, I kind of sometimes say it like this. Like, first I experienced trauma and then I became the trauma.

Like, I was my, I was the trauma in my family. It was me. And I knew it. And it really destroyed me. Like, I just could not believe where, who I was. And I think that that's also part of this thing. I don't really get into the conversations about what is addiction. Like, is it a disorder?

Is it a brain disease? Because I don't know. I'm not a scientist, and I'm also not an addiction specialist other than my life. But it doesn't matter what I know. It doesn't matter how smart I am. It is in me. It has me. And that's my experience.

You know, so much of what we think or reflect on is coming from a safer space. We're not in it. You know, it's like the saying I love, I can't read the label on the jar when I'm in it. And I, in the end, had been institutionalized, educated. Everyone had something to say to, quote, fix me. and it was my entire life was sobriety. You know, like this was the end goal. God, how can we fix her?

What is she doing wrong? No, you're not being honest. You know, no, you're not, you know, this kind of thing. And everybody has fooled me nonstop. And some of it was damaging, some of it was helpful. But it doesn't matter if I'm still in, this disease, I cannot control it. And that's the real hell of it.

And that's why rehab kind of gets a wrap itself. Like, you know, well, it obviously didn't work because you came home from, you know, from long-term treatment. And you relapsed, got arrested, went to jail within 10 days, Emily. clearly something didn't work. And yes, that's true. There were things that are not working, but also, I mean, shit, I was still alive. Like, it saved my life.

And I can't knock that too much. Yeah, yeah, it's sort of, you know, the building blocks maybe in a sense, right? It's so interesting kind of where you're at now in your story and then you kind of go back, And I think that all of what you said there was really good. But this is kind of a, I don't know, this has been a thing that I've been humming and hawing about for some time now.

It honestly, it kind of drives me a bit crazy, drives me a little bit stir crazy, because you go back to when you were 25 there, 25-ish, and we're talking about, was there anything that could have been said or done and maybe you change your, you know, your path, right? And you had a really good point. You had a really good point there. Like, I can't, you know what I mean? I can't take what I know now and go back there and give that answer type deal.

But it kind of sounds like, I think for a lot of people they share, which is sort of the most difficult thing I think about all of this is that it has to run its course and maybe some sense. You know, there has to kind of be that swing of things about it's working to where it's not working and there's some stuff involved. And now it kind of sounds like heading towards sobriety. these things are kind of happening. Not a whole lot of it makes sense. And 20, you know, rehabs or institutions and hospitals and, you know, all that stuff and hearing everything.

And was there anything that you could put a finger on to? I'm asking a lot here, I know, for you to go back to, you know, where you were in that moment. Yeah. But is there any way that you could have seen maybe something different about a conversation? or something, anything? So do you mean like what I can see now that maybe I needed, that I didn't realize then? Yeah.

I would love that, yeah. I think I needed, number one, I needed a friend and not a savior at the time. I just needed someone to laugh. love me, listen to me without correcting or trying to fix something about me. And I also think that I needed to figure out how to live. I needed just actual living without alcohol experience. And I don't think anybody ever really got, I don't want to say nobody at any of

places like talked about it with me because I mean that definitely could have been but I just didn't it didn't sink into me and the expectations for sobriety for someone who is on like life and death like there's no there's no way to put it other than I mean I should have died multiple times in my story. And for somebody like that, like clearly there's something going on beyond the alcohol. And that really didn't get the,

I don't think it got dealt with on either end, on my end or whoever was on the other side of it. Because even I thought, hey, if I don't drink, everything's going to get better. And certain institutions and programs have this, kind of this presumption that we've got all the time and space to focus on our sobriety once we stop drinking. But I was, you know, I know it's trendy to say trad mom, but I mean, I was,

a stay-at-home mom with four kids, a husband who worked probably 12 or 13-hour days, in a place where I didn't have any family or any friends, and we are financially strapped. There was no help coming in for cooking or cleaning. And when we did have that, I didn't understand it. I didn't connect with it. Like, why would you do my laundry while I'm sitting right here? It's so weird.

But, you know, I didn't know how to do just simple things in a way that I felt I measured up to other moms. And I know that goes off a little bit, but it also kind of goes into this idea of, okay, what really is sobriety? and how are we really going to have enough space in this community to be more accepting of what other people are saying? You know, just because my truth doesn't match your truth, Brad, doesn't mean that we aren't both 100% accurate. And I just, I feel like there's some both old and new. and new lands where someone knows me better than I know myself at this point.

And that's kind of why, like, I just, I have no advice for anybody because so much of what lands us in addiction is super complicated and historical. Yeah. Yeah. So true. Yeah. Some people ask me, hey, can I get some advice for this? And I'm just like, I don't know the whole story. Like, I would just be pointing you down a generalized direction without knowing anything that's going on. It's like all the time, how do you get sober? And it's like, man, I mean, mode it right up. Getting sober, like you've shared consistently throughout this. I mean, that was one hurdle. Like, don't get me wrong. That's a tough one to get over. But that's literally just a speck of sand to like, how do we stay sober and how do we create this new life and go about things differently and i mean so many

aspects and and then everybody's story that they've lived if they're 35 or 45 when they decide to go on this journey it's like there's all of that as well that you know takes years i mean takes you literally years to to kind of go through um and could take decades as well but i think that the not drinking aspect for me anyway and the sobriety part i have had to get that part right because without it, I was so checked out. Like, I was so checked out of the ability maybe in the nervous system or emotionally or maturity-wise to even open up the chest and see what else was going on. Definitely.

And I'm just one of those stories that, you know, it's sort of like, how did you finally get sober? Like, why aren't you still doing this? Yeah, tell us. share it with us yeah i was at my last rehab and i went going in there knowing i've got to be willing to just turn off everything and i've already been taught because man it's everything it's so much and it's it it came down to do i emily want to live or do i want to die because i cannot live with everything that I've done in my life, especially to my children. And I've got to figure it out.

I'm going to figure it out to myself because otherwise, this is how I felt. Somebody's going to die. Like, that's all that's left in my story is somebody is going to die. It might be me, but it might be somebody else. I mean, I don't know. and I think that that's I mean the whole like I was sick and tired of being sick and tired I mean that that had been years in the main like that was an old an old thing but I think that there's a part of me that others can relate to where we have these experiences while

we're in addiction that are just so unforgivable that I think I should be powerful And if nobody else is going to do it, I'll do it. I'll punish myself. Because I couldn't stop replaying the past. And I really had to do this terrifying thing. The way to get over the past is to go back and see it. And I hate to say deal with it because I had been dealing, you know, with it. but how do I forgive myself so that I can move forward? There's this part where I was like, okay, this is time. And it was, you know, my family was so sick of visiting day at pre-ups that it was like, they came for the cookies, you know?

It was like, okay, but my son was in kindergarten. and he was talking and talking and talking to me, just took my ear off. And I'm sitting there staring at him, thinking about all the fucked up things that I missed and failed at as a mother. Well, he's just sitting with his mom. Like, he's just, I'm just his mom.

I'm not at this tragedy that I think I am. And I looked at him and I said, gosh, Spencer, I miss you so long. And he stopped talking, looked at me like I was a complete idiot and said, Mom, I'm right here. Yeah, yeah. And it really hit me what I was doing. You know, I was just torturing myself, extending it, and I was running out of time.

So I dug into AA and, didn't read a single book, you know, just tried to like reestablish. I kind of fired God and said, hey, look, this isn't working. We need to start over. Let's just, let's do a fresh meet and greet and go from there. So that was a really big deal for me, spiritually. And then I just really leaned into my own version of spirituality. I don't know if other people, because I didn't read anything about I just did what felt right. And it really, it did help. It helped a lot.

And also just being able to say, you know, this is a little bit of a tangent as I'm totally on a tangent. But the idea of like the opposite of addiction is connection. And I cringed every time I heard that because it was like, no, it's not. But I think this. The little caveat about that is that if I don't know who I am, I'm not going to be connecting at all. And I really wanted to connect with, you know, hashtag sober mom. I wanted to connect with, you know, my local recovery community and things like that without having any idea who I was. And so it's like I've got a first thing.

I've got to figure out, I got to know myself, I got to get to know me. Then I kind of got to start to like me. And if there's not a redeeming quality about somebody in my life, I'm not real likely to forgive them for something that they've done to me. But if I do like them and I do know them and I do have an understanding of them, then yeah, I'm going to be more forgiving and compassionate. And that's, I had to start with myself. and once I did that, then it was sort of like completely changed the things that were important,

my priorities, you know, those types of things. And it's different for everybody, but that was really a big thing for me. Yeah. Wow. Well, thank you for sharing that. I just want to share like when you got sober and maybe a minute of what it's been like and then the title of your book. And we'll end with that. Okay, great. So I did. get sober since 2016 when I was at that rehab. And I've stayed sober, completely sober, since that time. I really had to address some mental health issues and some cognitive issues that do affect my life today. But my main goal right now is to actually just live a simple a life and be okay with it.

And my number one thing is that I like having nothing in my life that I don't need so that I can have time for my kids, so that I can have time to do things that maybe I never did throughout my life. So I'm very adventurous and curious about learning things about, oh, you know, I'm like building dollhouses and doing these things that are kind of strange, but just. just bring me a lot of joy. And I just try not to get sucked into self-criticism because I want to be an example to my old kids.

And so we were really focused on breaking cycles. And I wrote a book that took me seven years to do. And it's called Wife Mother Drunk. It's an inner generational memoir that goes into, like, who came before me and what What did we all sort of pick up? There was a massive military history and the men in my family with frontline combat from World War II and my dad was in Vietnam and what came from that. And then also I come from pioneers.

So it has to do with the women's aspect of like what were they doing and how did they, you know, the silence and the things that they were unable to deal with. So it's an example of a book that's just someone's. and take from it whenever you want. Wow. That sounds like quite the journey to go on to put this seven years in, you know, in the making to put it together. So proud of you, Emily, for where you're at now.

Thank you. Incredible job. I have a feeling, too, like the hour goes fast, hour, 10 minutes here. I feel like we only, like, scratched barely the surface on this. So if somebody does pick up the book, I mean, is it going to fill in some of the blanks that maybe we didn't have time to cover with here today? Yeah, for sure. And I also think one of the things that reviewers have been saying about it is like it is not a gloss over of what it really looks like inside behind the curtain of these homes for a mother who's just really, like, what does it feel like for fur? what's going on.

And then also like this ability to kind of do this reflective like, what is it that we're carrying? And but yeah, it's a very honest and unflattering look at what my life is like and how the happily ever after of sobriety looks different for everybody. And mine is, you know, there's things that are just always going to, be the way they are and they're not ideal, but they're still good. You're still the best life I could have asked for. Yeah, beautiful.

Well, I feel like you just left me anyway on the ultimate cliffhanger there to reading the book. Beautiful job. Really appreciate you jumping on here in sharing your journey with us. And that's a success for the book launch and everything. thing to come for you. Thank you. Yeah. Well, I just, I really appreciate what you do to just get people's stories out there. And that's really where I think the magic is, is in our experience, strength and hope, in our stories. And people, people can't pick up on what they need to. And I'm really grateful that you're out there doing that. Awesome. Well, thank you so much. Well, there it is. Another incredible

episode here on the podcast. Thank you for listening to the end. Also, I'm looking for some more stories. So I know if you listen all the way to the end, that you're a big fan of the show. So send me an email, send me a message on Instagram. Let's connect and see if we could share your story on the podcast. And I'll see you on the next one.