Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Nick had tried sobriety before but struggled to be honest with himself and others. Changing that would change everything.

Episode Date: February 23, 2024

Nick joins the show; he has been sober for 10 years and shares his journey from substance abuse to sobriety. Nick describes his childhood marked by his parents' separation, their struggle with substance abuse, and his own progression into alcoholism and drug use. He ventures into various attempts at sobriety that he was unable to maintain. Nick hit many bottoms, including losing everything, and after being charged with a felony, he had a choice to make. Along the path, Nick tried many methods of achieving sobriety, but there was always one thing holding him back from the change he desired so much. This is Nick’s story on the Sober Motivation podcast. ------------------ FREE 30- Day Trial to SoberBuddy: https://community.yoursoberbuddy.com/plans/368200?bundle_token=8d76ca38d63813200c6c1f46cb3bdbed&utm_source=manual Follow Nick on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/breathofliferecovery808/ Nick's Book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1956955860?ref_=cm_sw_r_mwn_dp_2SMDP9Q8QRQ2CPF25GJT&language=en_US Follow Sober Motivation on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sobermotivation/   00:18 Guest's Early Life and Family Background 00:36 Exposure to Substance Abuse and Early Experiences 01:32 Adolescent Struggles and First Encounter with Addiction 02:08 Dealing with Dishonesty and Fear 03:42 Escaping Reality through Television 04:20 The Role of Drugs and Alcohol in Coping 05:46 Downward Spiral into Addiction 06:48 Moving to Hawaii: A Failed Attempt at a Fresh Start 08:32 First Attempt at Sobriety and Relapse 13:42 Journey to Surrender: The Struggle to Get Sober 20:45 Rebuilding Relationships and Life in Recovery 25:55 The Last Chance at Recovery 26:11 Committing to the Recovery Process 26:30 Facing the Reality of Life's Challenges 28:50 The Turning Point: Choosing Sobriety 30:16 The Journey to Sobriety and Service 34:28 The Power of Honesty and Change 36:20 Building a New Life in Recovery 42:47 The Impact of Breathwork on Recovery 49:59 The Power of Consciousness in Overcoming Addiction 51:44 Closing Thoughts on the Recovery Journey

Welcome back to season three of the Subur Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode of the podcast, we have Nick, who has over 10 years sober. Nick shares his journey from substance abuse to sobriety. Nick describes his childhood marked by his parents' divorce, their struggle with substance abuse,

and his own progression into alcoholism and drug addiction. He ventures into various attempts at sobriety that he was unable to maintain. Nick hit many bottoms that included losing it all. And after getting charged with a felony, he had a choice to make. On the path, Nick tried many ways of sobriety. But there was always one thing holding him back from the change he so much desired. And this is Nick's story on the sober motivation podcast. What up, what up, what up, sober motivation podcast. Welcome back. Brad here for another episode.

We're closing in fast on a million downloads. If everything goes according to plan, we will hit that next week. That's incredible. Thank you all for the support on that. And to do that as we celebrated 500,000 downloads, I do an eight hours straight liveathon on Instagram, where I bring on previous guests and fans of the show. And we just chat it up for eight hours straight on Instagram. live. So if you're not following at Sober Motivation on Instagram so you can get updates on when that is going to be, be sure to jump over there after you finish this episode. Give me a follow. Send me a message to if you like. I get back to pretty much everybody. Probably everybody. So I would love to have you over there hanging out and just seeing what's going on there too. Thank you guys so much. Without all of you, this would not be possible. Would not be possible at all. This is an incredible story.

You're really going to enjoy. Nick talks a lot about breath work and how that's helped him in his recovery. And I think it's going to be helpful for a lot of you as well because I get messages all the time about what are some other things that we can try or we're running into these roadblocks. We want to check stuff out. And breathwork, I think from hearing Nick's story can be a really helpful thing for a lot of people. So let's get to it. What do you say? Welcome back to another episode of the sober motivation podcast.

Today we've got Nick with us. Nick, how are you? Man, I'm doing really good, man. Thank you so much for having me all. I appreciate it. Yeah, of course. Thank you so much for being willing to share your story here on the podcast. How we start every episode is with the same question. What was it like for you growing up?

Oh, man, growing up. So I was born in Eugene, Oregon in 1979. And my mother was 17 when she got pregnant with me. And she was 18 when I was born. and my parents divorced before I was one years old. And so both of my parents struggled with mental health and substance abuse challenges. And it was an interesting time because, you know, in the early 80s, we moved up to Seattle, Washington, and there was a culture of sex, drugs, and rock and roll with, like, thing.

And from, like, my aunts and my uncles and my mom, it was like cocaine was this big thing in the kind of party scene. And back then, they didn't even think it was bad for you. Right? That was like the thing. It was like, it's not even bad for you. And of course, alcohol and pot. And so growing up, my mom's long-term relationship she has were with people in rock and roll bands. And so we're only 18 years apart. So it was almost like I was just along for the ride as a kid. And so those addictions advanced into harder substances. And I went to 13 different schools before I got expelled at a 10th grade. And so when I was 15 years old, three things happened. My cousin, who was really close with me, he got arrested for bank robbery. It was just crazy. And then my mom's long-term boyfriend had died from a drug overdose. And my dad's brother passed away from AIDS.

And so that all happened in one summer. And I got expelled from high school. And I had my first drink around like 11 years old. and we started smoking a little bit of pot. I could always go to the ashtray and find marijuana and these type of things. And when I talk about my recovery journey, oftentimes I talk about when I first started to be dishonest. You know, my dad wasn't around when I was a kid. And so I started to create lies about who my dad was, about who my family was.

I remember I was in third grade and I loved playing basketball. and at this time we were living on Baybridge Island, and I told the kids on the basketball court, my dad was Tom Chambers. Now, Tom Chambers was the only white basketball player that was on the Seattle Supersonnes. And the kids are like, Tom Chambers isn't your dad. He was like the MVP of the All-Star game in like 1989 or whatever.

And so I just lied. And the kids are like, they kept pressing me on it. That's not your dad. That's not your dad. And so it was parent-teacher conference. my mom came to school with her boyfriend, and the kids go right up to her. And they're like, is Tom Chambers, Nick's dad? You know, and she's, who? She's Nick's dad lives in Eugene, Oregon, and we were up in Seattle. And the kids are like, we knew it. We knew it. And I continued

to lie. Instead of just saying I was lying, I was like, no, he's in the NBA. It's like a secret society. You can't tell people. And even the teacher was like Nick, Tom Chambers isn't your dad. And I I remember I was crying. He is my dad, you know. And so that kind of dishonesty was a theme of my life. As a child, I had a lot of fear. I was left alone at a very young age. And, you know, we were talking about wrestling, you know, with Jake the Snake on your episode. And as a kid, the wrestling would come on television and I would watch it. You know, and I think my first escape, because I was scared, I felt separate, different than alone. My first escape was the television, you know, being able to do. go into other people's lives and make that my life. I think it was Star Trek where it was like, Bolesly Go or no man has gone before. And back then, the sitcoms were like other people's lives, families. And I would just get lost in that escape.

And it gave me security. You know, when you're home alone, you watch TV and you don't feel alone. And so that feeling of being separate, different, and alone and really afraid, drugs and alcohol made me feel like I belong somewhere. They created what I like to call the artificial means to a spiritual experience. And so when I found drugs and alcohol, I just think so bit. And I started getting in trouble in my adolescent period. And when I got expelled from high school during that summer where I lost my,

what was like a stepdad to me, and I lost my uncle. And then my closest cousin went to prison for bank robbery. I got expelled out of high school for selling $10 worth of marijuana. And the cop, it was interesting. It was the first time I was honest with the police department. They had come to my house. This girl had got caught with a joint that I had sold her. And the cop said, hey, it's just a little bit of weed.

I'm not going to arrest you. And it was the campus police officer. And I just admitted to it. I was like, I was stoned at the time. I said, yeah, I sold it to her. And it wasn't like I was some heavyweight drug dealer. It was like $10 or the weed, you know. And that ended up being a Class B felony, distribution of a controlled substance within

a thousand feet of school property. And I was expelled from the school. And at that time, I was on the basketball team. And basketball was a huge part of my life all through my childhood up until that point. And so when I got expelled from 10th. grade, that is really when my life started to, I went from hanging around with the wrong crowd to becoming the wrong crowd. And that led me down a path of darkness, you know. And so, yeah, like I mentioned, my cousin went to prison and a lot of the friends and people I were hanging out

with was a part of the criminal culture. So instant gratification, drug dealing, prostitution, strip clubs, all this kind of stuff. And I'm like 16, 17, 18 years old, you know. But there was always two parts of me. There was this part of me that was talented and gifted and had a lot of talents to share with the world. And then there was this other part of me that didn't think I was worthy of love and didn't think I was worthy of connection and just continued to drink and to use.

So yeah, and fast forward, I mean, I ended up moving out to Hawaii. my cousin was raised over here in Maui where I live now for the last 25 years and I thought man if I could just get away from my childhood if I could get away from these people I'll do better you know I'll be able to reinvent myself and in recovery oftentimes you hear that as a geographical and so when I was 18 years old I came out to Maui and it turns out this is going to be a shocker to all of your audience, but there are drugs and alcohol in Hawaii. And so I just became a part of the party culture in Hawaii. And so that was, I mean, that was in 1999, you know, and I got sober in January 25th of 2014. So 15 years of drinking, using. And I would say that I could speak you, the long drunkalogue, but what I call it is the journey to surrender. And it's hard when alcohol and drugs are your only spiritual solution for the problems that you're dealing with. I believe at the root of my challenges were unprocessed grief and unprocessed trauma for my child.

And that drugs and alcohol were the only thing that really allowed me to live in the present moment with any peace, with any connection. And so when I didn't have the drugs and alcohol, is really when my challenges started. And so I would work jobs that the lifestyle of the party was a part of it, restaurant business. And I made my first attempt at sobriety in 2009. I had blacked out while I was driving and had been on a combination of different drugs. I had been up for a couple days.

And if you've ever been to Hawaii, I was over on the Lahaina side, which They just had a big fire out there recently. And I blacked out driving home, and there's these huge cliffs with 300-foot cliffs on the side of the highway. And I passed out, and I ended up getting really lucky that I didn't die. I totaled this vehicle. I didn't kill anybody else. And I woke up with the airbag in my face, and it was about 4 in the morning. And the first thing I did was try to grab my drugs.

right and took a couple pills that I had through the rest of the stash and I ran I fled the scene and I could hear the sirens in the background and I was up by this little gas station hiding in the bushes and my daughter's mother came to pick me up after I had left for three days and she came to pick me up with our daughters and I came hiding from the back of the bushes and jumped in her car and was throwing up out the back of the window with a five-year-old and a two-year-old in the car. And she drove right past the crime scene. And after that is when I went to my first drug treatment in 2009. I went to a drug treatment called Hazelden.

It was in Newburgh, Oregon. And it was wonderful, man. Like, it was a great experience. I didn't want to go to AA meetings. I never thought, hey, A, was, like, on my bucket list, you know, of things that I wanted to be a part of. My dad and all of his brothers and sisters have been to AA. And I thought of AA as like a horrible place to be.

When I was a kid, my dad would take me to meetings when I would see him. And there would be cigarettes in the rooms. And it was just an unattractive place for a child to be. And so when I was on the phone with this treatment center after the car accident, I was asking important questions. you know, what kind of gym do you guys have, you know, is it co-ed, you know, what kind of food is there, you know, the important stuff. And if the lady would have told me that it's a 12-step program, right, I probably wouldn't have gone, you know, but I ended up going anyways. And it was a great

experience. I loved it. You know, I went for 30 days and they asked me to stay longer. They recommended that I stayed longer. And they always did that to me. They always thought I should stay longer. And got a lot of information. I went to a lot of meetings. It was a 12-step program, so they would bring meetings into the treatment.

People would come and share their stories. And to be honest with you, the most attractive part of that treatment experience was the 12-step meetings. And there was something for me where it was like, These guys are coming for free. They're not getting paid, and they're just coming to share their experience, strength, and hope.

And trying to be of service to others. So there was something really interactive about that for me. Now, my counselor asked me to stay longer, but I had two daughters. And so I thought I was pretty important and that I needed to be home. And so I went home after 30 days. and I promised myself, you know, when I went to treatment, I was a pill addict and a drug addict. I didn't consider myself an alcoholic. And so, but I told myself when I left treatment, I will stay sober forever.

This is it. And that lasted for two weeks. And so I went to a friend's wedding. And, you know, my grandmother paid almost $30,000 for me to go to treatment. And I made this commitment. And two weeks later, I was at a wedding. and these guys were doing cocaine. And I told myself I was going to be sober, right?

And then all of a sudden it came over in my head. I said, well, cocaine was never my problem. And they're passing this plate of cocaine around. And I remember the guy even looked at me and he goes, weren't you just in treatment? And I said, yeah, but it was for pills. It was for pills. And he goes, oh, okay, that makes sense, you know.

and he gives me the drugs. And man, you know, it was like everything that I had learned, everything that I had promised myself, it got flushed down the toilet in one weekend. And I remember I had $1,500 to my name when I was at this wedding that I had to fly to California for it. And I had to borrow money to get home and barely made it back to the airport.

And my drug addiction took off again immediately. And so from that, 2009 to 2014 is what I call my journey to surrender. It was torture. It was really like a torturous experience. I ended up homeless. I ended up a daily opiate and crystal meth addict. And yeah, man, it was like living like an animal. First of all, thanks for sharing all that with us. You know, it's incredible hearing your story, man. I can personally relate to so many areas, right? I mean, your mom being 17 and 18 when she had, you my mom was 16 when she had twins.

You know, it's tough, right, when you do it. And then the rock and roll scene too in the 80s, right? And the big explosion of cocaine and all that stuff hits. But there was a few things that really stood out to me is I think back to my story. And even before I picked up drugs and alcohol, I felt all that stuff you described as well. I didn't notice it at the time. But I always felt different than my peers.

their interests were different than mine and they seemed to be able to connect with each other. And I didn't, I had no idea at the time, but you know, grade six, grade seven, grade eight, people are mingling, they're creating their groups. And I just really had to put in so much effort. I was able to make some friends, but I was exhausted looking back

to find my place of the world. Like I didn't belong. And if I did want to belong, then I would have to do stuff that was outside of my character, right? Act like they had this clown, get in trouble, do stuff. And I think over the years that weighed on me, right? And my desire to belong and be a part of something and just be accepted and be loved.

And like my folks were great. But as hard as it was, and I think this is something that they struggled with too is we're doing all this for you. I had every opportunity to do well, to play sports, to go to school, to do stuff. They supported me. They loved me so much. I wasn't able to accept that. And I was more interested in the people at school to love me, to like me than my own parents to do it.

So I guess I say that to say this. I noticed I had symptoms of struggling with a lot of the stuff you're sharing with, too, before I ever picked up. I mean, dishonesty was definitely something, a big part of my story because I just, it all came back to that spot of just wanting to belong somewhere. And we made a big move to when I was younger. I'm born in Canada. I'm in Canada now. But we moved all the way down to Waco, Texas. My mom with two kids.

And here we had a ton of support. We lived my grandparents, right? So that was great, right? Grandparents, like they're my grandparents did anyway, right? They never say no or rarely say no. And then when we moved out with just my mom, she was a nurse. So she started working overnight.

And we had a lot of babysitters and stuff like that. And she was doing what she had to do, but, and it's no fault of hers, but it wasn't really around much. She would sleep during the day. We'd come home and do her thing. And it was really a struggle looking back, but I could relate to so much of that stuff that, that you had mentioned there is about, I wonder what it's like for everybody too and hearing a bunch of stories on the podcast, it that you can pick up on a lot of that stuff about,

you know, what was going on before you had that first drink and then, you know, for people don't have it, it all makes sense because then they have a drink and they're able to take it or leave it. It doesn't provide that relief from self. That's what it was for me. It was that relief from self to be like, okay, now I can be something. And then people enjoyed that, right? Like when I would drink and when I would be involved with that culture of substance use and all that stuff, people like loved it. It was like an identity. So it was like, okay, not only am I, you know, hooked on this stuff, but I'm hooked on how others view me. And then I built up that identity of this is who I am and people loved it. And I felt, you know, on top of the world,

right? And then it's like a whole other monster starts to grow. Interesting too about the rehab story for you too, right? You go to rehab and well, you moved to Hawaii first, right? Yeah. I went to my first rehab at 17 and I was there for about five months. It was a two, I ended up being there for 12 months and I was there for five months. And you know what I thought I was doing. I thought I was doing everything I was supposed to do. And we used to get these, It's called a focus every week. And I got this one focus. And it says, wherever you go, there you are.

And I was like, man, you know, like I was upset, right? Because I was like, I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. I'm making progress. And they just called me out. The counselors and the people that weren't there would put these together. And they just called me out that I'm not actually doing as well as I might think I'm in. Yeah. And, you know, I'll never forget.

get that man. And it reminds me of that that geo change, right? Moving and everything will be different, but it's who we are. Like, if we go, everything else goes, you know? So I really related to that. Thank you. Thank you so much. Yeah. Incredible stuff. And then you had that blackout, too. You mentioned you had two children too. What's that relationship like with your, is it your partner or who is it at that point? What's that like? One announcement here before we get back to the episode. I just want to mention it's been incredible for all the new members to join Sober Buddy that are listeners of the podcast. And I want to extend the 30-day free trial on this episode as well. I'll drop the link down in the show notes for you to get a 30-day trial to the brand new

Sober Buddy platform. It's incredible. We have a ton of members that are listeners of the podcast. I'm fired up because Friday morning I do a meeting every Friday. And when I get off that, I'm just amped up. I love to see the progress people are making, whether it's 10 days or 20 days or one year. We have people from one day all the way up to years. And we all get together. We talk about it. We talk about topics.

We check in. And we just stay connected because this whole sobriety thing is much easier when we do it together. So if you could use a community to be a part of, we'd love. to have you at Sober, buddy, check out that link in the show notes. Grab yourself a free 30-day trial, and I hope to see you in a meeting soon. Yeah, well, now, so now, you know, I've been clean and sober for over 10 years, right? But when I finally got sober, I wasn't, I didn't have them in my life. I had lost that privilege, you know, so I was towards the end, I ran out of money. I had always found a way to manipulate and have some cash and be able to pay for things, you know, that first

treatment center I went to that I mentioned in 2009. I had a decent amount of money in the bank, a couple car payments, and I had a decent job. And so it's like when you can manage, it makes things okay. And then when you go broke, things start to get really scary. And because you still have an addiction to feed, but then you got kids you need to pick up. And then you start to make choices about which one's more important. And for me, it wasn't a conscious decision, but I chose drugs and alcohol over every meaningful relationship that I had. And I compromised everything in my life to keep using. And I remember having no gas and still having to pick up drugs and putting my daughters in some really unsafe situations. And so I lost that privilege. And when I got clean and sober,

I went to a different island. So I flew over to Kona and I got sober over there. And so it was very embarrassing. It was a real source of shame because like I mentioned, the way that I grew up, I always told myself, if I ever had kids, I would never do that to them, right? I would never put them in that type of a situation. But what I've learned about the historical wounds of abandonment and about resentment is that if you don't heal, then you will repeat. If you don't heal the resentments, then history will repeat itself. And the definition of resentment is to relive to refill and to reenet. So basically I was reenacting that and doing the same things to my own daughters. Now, thank God I got sober in 2014. So my youngest daughter was six and my oldest daughter

was 11. And so since then, we have rebuilt those relationships. My youngest daughter lives with me for the last seven years. I've had her full time. And she's 16. And then my oldest daughter is actually a pilot. So we helped her get through becoming a commercial pilot. So now she's in her process of getting 1,500 hours and she's going to be an airline's pilot, man. So recovery has allowed me to regain so many things that were lost or stolen. So I have beautiful relationships with both my daughters now. Wow, that's incredible. It's interesting to that point. Another thing, another note I wrote down here is restaurants. You know, working in the service industry, right? I'm with you, man.

That's when I got in a lot of trouble. And then a lot of stories have heard here too, I think that's, if you don't maybe follow the path, but even if you do, right, you go to college, you follow the path and then you might start an internship or career afterwards and you might stodge that service and treat. But where I was is I went to college, I got kicked out after a few years. And what else are you going to hop around and show up when you want to show up? And it was loose and lax. But I got introduced to a people that were a lot older than me.

And I think you even mention it too, right? When you get expelled from school, I saw this a lot with the people when I was in high school who got expelled. Well, other people your age are going to school. So who are you going to hang out with? You're going to hang out with the people that are older than you that are out of high school. But yeah, the restaurant industry, I mean, it was just access. It was just, you know, you'd work that four to 12 shift or four to one shift. And then everybody would gather.

And there was just, yeah, for the older crowd of people I got introduced to cocaine there. And that was just running rampant, you know. I wouldn't say it's embarrassing anymore, but at the time it was, I worked at this one restaurant. And we had this open kitchen. And I had this like streak of like just doing cocaine. And I couldn't even really answer all the things. It really wasn't my bread and butter. But I had this bad streak and I just couldn't get off of it for three months.

And it was every, I worked at this restaurant. But most restaurants I worked had in the locker room or bathroom in the back. Yes. For this staff to change and use it. But this restaurant didn't. So you'd have to go out to the restaurant. dining room. It's crazy like looking back. But I was, during shift, I would be like going out to this bathroom in this restaurant, full of people. Yeah. And doing this stuff. And then I always knew because I got

fired from so many jobs, I always knew that they would rarely, unless there was a really big problem, they would rarely fire you on shift because every place was short. They needed you to keep, you know, keep the burgers cooking. But they called me in the next, they called me in the next day, right? And I just dodged it. I just never sure. showed up for those. I knew what it was about. It was so sad, but I had just become accustomed to that. I didn't even blink an eye. I just kept going, right? And I would go put in a few resumes and, you know, leave that one off of the list. So it was like the restaurant thing. I'm with you. So in 2014, man, what happens that you're able to turn this ship around? Man, yeah, great question. So I got caught on camera shoplifting at the tender age of 33. And so I was shoplifting and got caught on camera.

And these people put, apparently there's cameras in these organizations now. And so they posted my picture on social media. And that was embarrassing. You know, my daughter's mother who had blocked me and stopped talking to me, you know, reached out to me to say, what a loser. And it's a small island over here. And so that was a felony shoplifting. And so I was dealing with the consequences of that legally. And by this time, I have no car. I can't stop drinking and using. I'm on a bus going to court. And the judge basically suspended my sentence so I could get treatment. Now, it was interesting because I had already wanted to get clean and sober.

So the charge was just added incentive. And so I had reached out to a treatment center and my grandfather, who was very much like my father in my life, he said, I'll help you get into treatment. And so I made that commitment. And it was interesting. I had, because I had done treatment before and only did the 30 days, this time I committed to a 90 day stay. and when we finally made the agreements with the Treatment Center and the courts gave me permission to leave from Maui to Kona, I called the Treatment Center and they said, hey, I'm sorry, we only have 30 days left, 30 days available.

And I'm like, what? What's going on? And so we booked it. I got there. And it's an interesting story. So the Treatment Center was actually going out of business. So I got there January 25th. And I was the last client that they let come into the.

their facility before they shut their doors on March 1st, 2014. So I had the 30 days. So I get out there, I get a sponsor. And in my heart, you know, I had told myself, I've never really done recovery 100%. I knew that in my heart. And so I told myself, I'm going to commit to this process and I'm going to do everything that these people ask me to do. Now, keep in mind, I have this felony court situation. I have no money, no job, no bank account, no driver's license. I haven't seen my daughters because of my behavior and conduct. But all of a sudden, I see a loophole because I committed to the courts for 90 days. But the treatment center is going out of business. So my sponsor at the time, he was on the board of this long-term sober living on the Big Island, and it was called the Bridge House. Now,

the bridge house was a state-funded program with people that are going through drug court, they're going through the criminal justice system. So my sponsor said to me, he said, hey, you can do 30 days treatment here and go into a six-month sober living program. And I said, hold on. I said 90 days, not six months, you know, what way to, you know, and all of a sudden, those behaviors started to come back. And I started thinking to myself, if my grandma can just get me an apartment over here, I'll go to AA meetings, I'll tell the courts, sorry, the treatment center went out of business and I'm going to do it my way. Now, everybody thought that was a really bad idea, but I was the only person who thought it was a good idea. And so back to the dishonesty

piece, I called my grandmother and I had already toured this place called the Bridge House and it's five beds to a bedroom. It's, you know, it's state funded. So there's no amenities. It's not nice. You know, this kind of stuff. So I call my grandmother because it's about a week before this, I got to get out of the 30-day program. And I called her and I said, hey, grandma, you know, I would love to go to that sober living program up there. But I don't want to jeopardize my recovery. And the word is that they're using crystal meth up there and they're using drugs. And this was a lie. I had no information of this. And the crazy part about this lie is that I didn't premeditated, Brad. it just came out naturally. It's the language that I spoke, manipulation.

And my grandmother for the first time, she said, honey, I don't care what you do. I don't give a shit. You don't have to go to that sober living program, but I'm not going to help you, and I'm not going to get you an apartment. And I remember I was like 21 days sober, and I thought to myself,

what the hell's going on here, you know? And so I got off the phone. I think she might have gone to an Al-Anon meeting or something, then maybe he showed. So that night, I was at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and a guy shared something and it changed my life. And he said his whole life he suffered from self-delusion and self-deception and that he would always turn the tables out of fear to try to manipulate the outcome of the situation. And he manipulated everything and everyone until there was nothing left to manipulate. And it just hit me. I was like, I was just manipulating my grandmother this morning. Nobody's using crystal meth at that sober living. And I heard a voice. And for a long time, I thought the voice was in my head. But I've discovered in the last few years that I think it came from my heart. And the voice said, Nick, you're doing it again. And you can't do it anymore. You can't do it anymore. And so at that meeting, I told my sponsor that there was still a bed.

at the sober living at the bridge house, I'll take it. And he said, you might just stay sober. You might just stay sober. And so that was the why in the road. In my whole life, I was going to go left, even if there was a cliff there, right? And this time I took a right. And it was interesting because at that moment, I was overwhelmed with this presence of some type of a power. And I had this thought, what can I do to be of service to the people up at this sober living? How might I be able to bring up a spirit of recovery? You know, because I'd been to a lot of meetings. I'd been to treatment before.

And all of a sudden, I was overwhelmed with this idea of how maybe I could be of service. And so I ended up going to that long-term program. You know, I got super involved in the recovery community over there. And I haven't drank or used since. And it's been over 10 years. Wow, that's incredible. Huge congrats on that. 10 years.

Thank you, brother. It is so interesting how things, you know, play out when we do that surrender part. Because you mentioned that earlier, too, about, like, I always go back as like, my best thinking, my best strategies. I mean, it ended me up where it ended me up, right? the moderation of just doing it these nights or that, you know, setting aside a budget or just this and just that, you know, some of those things like temporarily worked, but it never worked in the long run. I always, usually within weeks, if I tried like my best, like I held on for dear light, would last a couple weeks that I would end up at the same place, the same exact place,

wondering how this all happened again. How did this happen again? And it's not taking suggestions. But I love that part too because I remember my first meetings. I was 17 and I went to my first AA meeting. And I really wasn't even into drinking, but that was just what we did. Right. We were at the treatment center and it was like, it was like being in jail, right?

If you can get to an AA meeting when you're in jail, it's whether I got a problem or not, I'm there, right? You just want to move a little bit. Yeah. And I went to, you know, my first meeting there. And I went to meetings after I did this program. And it was never, I always went to meetings, but I always came late and left early type idea. And I was sat in the back and I always scooted out before the prayer.

And I never really wanted to, you know, face it, I got a lot from it. But I was that guy who right after the meeting, you know, it's crazy bananas, man, but literally right after the meeting, I would go to the closest place to get alcohol. And I would be looking around over my shoulder just to make sure that nobody from the meeting was pumping ass. Just because it was so embarrassing, right? So I think like at the end of my journey and things, like it's that manipulation thing you brought up too, right? Like eventually, you know, for one, I ran out of options.

I think a lot of us run out of options about things. It sounds like your grandparents, too, came to bat for you for a lot of these situations, right? Yeah. And then, you know, put an end to things and put the ball in your court. I had similar situation clay out for me to wear people at all. I mean, you can throw as much cash. you want at this thing, you know?

I mean, you can throw as much cash. You can throw as much help, support, as much. But it's that real change takes place when we start to get interested in engaging in our own healing and our own recovery journey. And then for me, it was after I get sober, I think, hey, man, now I got something figured out here, right? Because I'm not using it anymore. And then it's now life starts to happen, right?

Emotions start to come up. Things I haven't dealt with for so long, probably ever in my life. life. I probably never really talked about how I honestly felt. I just was worried about how would people take that. I ended up in the psych ward for suicidal thoughts a couple of times too. And I did have one occasion where I broke down. And I did talk to this one security guard, but it was like after I just went bananas and he wrapped me up in this bear hug and brought me into this like padded room. And I knew at that point in time, like I was just defeated. I did open up to this fellow. But other than that, I didn't really talk about anything.

So you do this so reliving. And how does that all pan out? What does life look like for you after you leave there? Well, you know, it's interesting. That moment that I had, a lot of people have seen Denzel, Washington, the movie, plight, and he's in that courtroom. And all he has to do is tell one more lie. And he's going to get the airline off.

And he's going to avoid going to prison. And he basically says that he had reached his. lifetime maximum limit of lies, right? And that was like the experience I had was like, I can't lie to myself for another moment. And it's interesting in the 12-step recovery program, the spiritual principle from the first step is honesty. And I think that's why it was so hard for me to get sober

and to change my life is because I didn't know how to change my personality. I didn't know how to change who I was. And one of my favorite sayings is, if you want to change your personal reality, you have to change your personality. And I didn't know how to do that. And so when I finally got honest there, you know, it was very humbling. I was at a state-funded program with a lot of people that were going through the system. But here I am going through the system. I got court. I got felony, you know, but it's like I'm looking down on people from a gutter. It's crazy, right? But it was exactly what I needed.

I had to go to the Department of Human Services to get food stamps and to get, financial assistance. The rent at the sober living was 300 bucks. So there was always this idea that I was this top tier guy, this top shelf, you know, player. And it came to reality about who I really was. But the coolest part about it was is when I surrendered, I was in the worst position financially, but I had recovery. Right. So it was like, everything was okay. I had hope. I didn't need any money. I didn't need a car. My primary focus began to be staying sober and trying to help other people. And so all types of miracles started to happen in my life. I got a job at the treatment center that I went to. So the treatment center that went out of business reorganized and reopened

10 months later. They gave me a job working in the industry. I've been working in the field of mental health and substance abuse treatment ever since. Right. So I was able to build my story and to start to change myself through the meetings, through sponsorship, through being of service, through helping other people. And then I was able to transfer that to the professional world. And that started my journey. I started working for Hawaii Island Recovery. After two years, I got an opportunity to come back to Maui to be back with my daughter. Got an opportunity to open a facility on Maui called Maui Recovery. And after being back on Maui for a year, you know, my grandfather passed away and he was, you know, he was like my father

and he died from cancer, but I was so grateful that I was sober for three years before he passed away. And it's interesting because of my behavior, when he allowed me to get into that last treatment center, he took me out of his will. He had a little bit of a will set up for my mother and my hands, my uncle, and he treated me like I was one of the, like I was one of the children. and he took me out. He changed it because of my behavior. And when he passed away, he had saw me stay sober for three years, and he actually put me back in right before he passed away.

And so with the money that he left me, I was able to buy a condo from, and my daughter and I, my daughter's mother ended up going through some challenges, and she asked me if I could take Coco full time. And so I did that, and it just coincided with the time where I had come into a little bit of money and I was able to buy a condo and my daughter and I

have been living together ever since and stayed working in the treatment facility, started out at the bottom. I was the overnight tech watching everybody overnight. And then it was an RM resident manager. It's like a glorified babysitter, you know. And then from there, I got into the business development, got into admissions. And then two years ago, I actually co-founded my own treatment center on the Big Island called Honu House, Hawaii. So we've been in business for a little over two years now. And so that's a little bit more about what it's like now, right? Yeah. I mean, it's extremely humbling, too, I think, when you win, you know, when you share that stuff about you really didn't have any of these other worldly possessions at this time in your life, but you had your recovery.

And although according to the bank numbers, you didn't have much there, but maybe spiritually and internally, you were the richest you'd ever been because you maybe had that piece of mind that sobriety and recovery offers us. And it's so powerful, man. It's so powerful. But it's interesting, too, in your story where you end up, you know, because I think

a lot of us can relate. Not as bad as that guy, not as bad. Look at that. Look at John over there. I mean, come on. Like, that he's got a problem. You know, me, we're so easy to, no matter where we fall on the spectrum, right? We have a lot of people who are entering, in this gray area space where, you know, it's not all the way at one end, but they're not a

non-drinker. They're not, you know, somebody who hasn't used substances before. And I think it's very easy. A lot of listeners of the show, just from talking in conversations, they fall in that today. They fall in that category today, but it's progressive over time. That's what I found out. That's my experience. And that's really what I've seen. And that's not for everybody. But in my story, too, man, I have a really hard time paying. pinpointing the spot where this just went for fun with college buddies to a spot where I just couldn't quit. And then years go by and you look back and you're like, my goodness, what happened? You know, all the legal trouble. I was struggling in my life way before that happened. And that became a

solution. And you know what the most dangerous thing I think about it for me personally was is it worked so good, man? Until it gave me something, man. It really gave me a lot. But I think that's humbling, man, when you're in that situation. And it's like we get to start over from scratch, man. There's some of us out there who lose it all. And we have to find a way to keep going. But I think early on, I did anyway. I figured out that if any of this is going to work,

because my intention was never to get sober. My intention was to stop the pain, to stop the consequences. But then I had that light ball, man. That light ball clicked. And it was this like, look, dude, you can go whichever way you want to go. It's ultimately up to you. I knew at that time. money wasn't going to solve it. I knew consequences, even going to jail and having to start my

life over and all the disappointment I felt from people that loved me and the disappointment I had of myself, I knew that although that did play a role, I knew that wasn't going to keep me sober. Because I never really cared about consequences. It was weird because once you break the rule so many times and you go so far off the track, it just, it's just, I got comfortable because I'd been arrested so many times. And I remember the first time I got arrested, everybody was like laughing and they knew each other and they're like, oh, what's up? You know, they knew the corrections officers. And I was like, this is the weirdest thing. These people are like laughing and having fun. They know everybody. And I'm like, oh, that'll never be me, you know? And then by the fourth time, I end up downtown.

I'm like, dude, you're too comfortable here. Yeah. And it's scary. You know, it gets scary because you're just like, You're not getting it. I wasn't getting it, Matt. But I did get it. And eventually I got it when I went in front of this judge after eight months. I was terrified, man, because I was looking at 20 years. And it could have been that judge at the end of the day, Friday at 4 o'clock that was heading out to a vacation. And he could have just, I mean, changed the complete course of my life in a matter of seconds.

And rightfully so. You know, that's the craziest part is I couldn't play the victim anymore. because I had done what I had done and I was going to have to deal with the consequences. But I got extremely blessed, lucky, however you want to draw it up. I got a second chance. We do what we can with it, man. I would love to hear about the breathwork

because I know that's a big part of what you do and you wrote a book. And I would love to hear about that journey, man, and how that can help people. Yeah, man. So I always tell people this, You know, getting sober was the most important thing that happened in my life. Finding breathwork was the second most important thing.

And I don't think I would have been able to find it without the sobriety first and having a spiritual kind of foundation. I went to a silent retreat with my now wife. And they facilitated a breathwork experience while I was there on the third day. And I had an experience that was of a biblical. proportion and I'm not a religious guy, but it was a massive experience. My whole body was tingling. I was emotional. I was crying and I didn't know what was happening. But all I knew was is that I needed more. I need more of that. And so I was about five years sober when I found that practice. And it was a

silent meditation course so you couldn't ask questions about what was going on. But I ended up doing some research on YouTube when I got out of that 10-day silent course, which is a whole another story that really transformed my life in a lot of ways as well. I ended up having a daily breathwork practice. I was never able to meditate very well. I have ADHD. A lot of us do undiagnosed ADHD. So I have poor impulse control. I have a hard time paying attention. And that's another reason. I think that I would always relapse and continue. to use substance, almost a year after finding breathwork, I started teaching it at the Treatment Center. So I was admissions director in business development, but I would also do

recovery coaching classes. And I started teaching breathwork to the clients at the Treatment Center. And it was amazing. You know, I'm not a licensed doctor. I'm not a licensed psychologist. I'm not a clinical therapist. And people would tell me after 30, 60 or 90 days in the program, that the most important thing that they found was a breathwork practice. And I thought to myself, wow, that's amazing. And so it turns out that we carry a lot of that unprocessed grief, a lot of that unprocessed trauma at the cellular level. So if you think about, you were talking about not being able to feel our emotions, right? And I used to think that stuffing your emotions was just a metaphor, right? I didn't realize that when we don't know how to process that we do stuff

our emotions that they actually go somewhere. And they go into the bottom of our respiratory system towards our pelvic floor. And so the big breathwork practice actually allows us to lift these up and to bring them out. And so I started to feel things I had never felt. I started to experience my emotions. So sadness, anger, things that I had unresolved in my life. And so when I started sharing this with people, their reaction to the breathwork is what really started to inspire me. I got into cold water exposure as well. And so, you know, the medication or the solution for undiagnosed ADHD or some of these challenges is stimulant medications, right? And while I wasn't going to go down that path, because I had a real challenge with stimulant drugs, but they also find that

undiagnosed ADHD folks end up being addicted to speed or Coke. They find that along their journeys, right? So breathwork, daily practices of deep breath work and cold water exposure stimulate the same chemicals in our systems as Adderall or Vivance or Concerta or these stimulant medications, but this is natural. So literally, after about a year of practicing, I started writing the book. And it turns out that natural focus gave me the attention and gave me the concentration to write a book, right? Which is something that would have been impossible for me to do.

I'll pick up, maybe write a paragraph or three, and then I put it down and I start another task, right? So the COVID pandemic hit. I started writing the book. I took a couple of different certification courses online. And I have been a breathwork fanatic. student, teacher ever since. And it has transformed my life. And the things that people say, when we get done facilitating breathwork journey, it just blows your mind. It would be parallel to an ayahuasca experience or parallel to a psychedelic journey that a lot of people are going on

these days, but without any drugs, no drugs, just your own breath. And so it's fascinating, bro. And so, write wrote the book, published the book, you know, the breath of life, finding long-term recovery with breathwork and step work. And I had always thought to myself, as you know, being in this space, so many people don't make it. You know, so many people, I've been working in this thing for over nine years now and sober for over 10. And I've lost so many people, so many people have passed away from fentanyl these days and other substance abuse related tragedies. And not only that, just people that can't stay sober in a long-term way. And so I've found that this breathwork practice can help people stay tethered to the lifestyle change. Because

Because if you're not able to get to that unprocessed grief and that unprocessed trauma and have some alignment, then most likely it's my experience that you will pick up again and that life will become more challenging. Yeah. Wow, that's beautiful. When was it? Maybe you said there and I didn't catch you. When was that silent retreat you went on? That was in 2019. So that was July of 2019. Yeah. So almost five. years ago. Yeah. Okay. Wow, 2019 feels like just like hearing it just feels like yesterday, but bro, it's crazy. I know. Yeah. I've seen some of your videos too. Like people are laying down. They've got their blindfolds, all and like really getting into it. Yeah. It's interesting too, right? Because even with Jake, we're talking about Jake, the Jake the snake Roberts, right?

He got introduced to yoga and never expected that to be a thing. It's like he didn't expect it was going to be one of the anchors to changing his life. And then what you're sharing too is that it's been a catalyst to you getting to where you're at and doing that for other people facilitating it. That's incredible, man. Thank you so much. Of course, brother, for sure. Is there anything you want to share with everybody before we sign off?

So what I would say is that oftentimes in a lot of the different recovery paradigms, they say that a spiritual awakening is the solution for our challenges. And I often used to think, well, what the hell does that mean, right? Hint or conscious contact, awareness, consciousness. And so what I've discovered is the Latin word for spirit, espritus, is breath, breath, soul, and spirit. And so a spiritual awakening is simply the state of having more awareness than being lost in ruminating thought. And when I think about addiction, I think about obsession, I think about compulsion, and I think about habitual, impulsive reaction, right? Those are all aspects of the mind. So if I develop a daily breathwork practice, then my consciousness shifts to the point where I have more awareness, then I'm lost in that hamster wheel loop of addiction. And so that's why I feel like it's so important for people to be able to practice the breath, because, if you have more consciousness, more awareness, you're able to get out of your head and come into your heart,

then there's no way you're going to want to poison yourself. There's no way you're going to want to kill yourself with drugs and alcohol if you're able to do that internal work and love yourself enough to where you don't want to poison yourself. And so that's why I think it's so important for people in recovery to develop this practice because I firmly believe if you're, conscious and you're aware, then you won't want to kill yourself with drugs and alcohol. Yeah, so true. Thank you so much, Nick. Great to have.

Yeah, brother. Right on. Thank you for what you do, brother. I really appreciate the platform and the opportunity. It means a lot to me. What an incredible episode. Awesome. Thank you so much, Nick, for jumping on the podcast and sharing your story with all of us.

I was kind of bummed on this one because for some reason you think after 130 or 140 episodes, I would know how to work everything on my end. But I didn't have my microphone connected to the software where we recorded the episode. So it just used the microphone on my monitor, which you can probably tell is not what it usually is. But that is what it is. That's how it goes sometimes. And we just accept things. We move on and we make the best of it. But I definitely didn't have the editing capabilities with the audio that I normally do. But it is what it is. You guys probably won't even notice. Some of you might, but it is what it is.

And an incredible story from Nick there, too, about, you know, coming back. And I love hearing those stories with parents where you're able to reconnect with the children, you know. I think that that is just an extremely powerful thing. And to be able to do and have those relationships and really lead from the front. I think it's incredibly powerful. And I really love it. So I hope you guys were able to draw some strength from Nick. story. I know I sure did. I know I'll get another day sober. And I also want to do a quick

announcement for the few of you that make it to the end here is that we've got to go ahead here with the podcast to be in a lot of jails and prisons in the U.S. So it's going to reach about 400,000 people potentially. Like people will still have to choose to listen to it, but it's going to be available to over 400,000 people, which I'm really blown away for. This has been a word in progress for a little bit of time, and I appreciate the people that have given this a shot. They've waived the fees to be involved in a program like this. And I'm just extremely grateful that maybe we could just bring this message to more people. Obviously, that's what it's all about.

So thank you all for the continued support. Can't wait till the next episode drops. Got a lot of recordings coming up. And be sure to reach out to Nick. If you enjoyed this episode, send him a message, let him know. And I'll see you on the next one.