Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - No One Can Force Us To Get Sober - Kevin's Story

Episode Date: March 14, 2025

Kevin shares his powerful story of struggling with alcohol addiction and experiencing multiple rock bottoms. Kevin details his journey through treatments, car accidents, and personal battles, ultimately finding sobriety and purpose through unwavering support and self-discovery. Join us as Kevin recounts how he rebuilds his life and relationships and embraces the joys of family. ---------- Contact Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/fastlife_recovery/

Welcome back to Season 4 of the Sobermotivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We're here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. Kevin shares his powerful story of struggling with alcohol addiction and experiencing multiple rock bottoms. Kevin details his journey through treatments, a car accident, and personal battles, ultimately finding sobriety and purpose through unwavering support and self-discovery.

Join us as Kevin recounts how he rebuilds his life, relationships, and embraces the joys of family. And this is Kevin's story on the Super Motivation podcast. Welcome back to another episode of the Suburmotivation podcast. Today we've got Kevin with us, Kevin. How are you? Doing great. How about yourself? Yeah, I'm good, man.

Thank you for being willing to jump on here on the podcast and share your story with all of us. Absolutely. If I get somebody help, that's my main goal. Yeah. So what was it like for you growing up? Growing up was actually, it was a decent childhood. I grew up a hockey family, Minnesota. We were a tight net family, and things were always, we weren't rich, we weren't wealthy.

We were just an average family down the road, just a normal next door neighbor. Growing up, as a kid, drinking was a big thing. It was just like at every event, it was every family event. It was the neighbors who would have a drink while they're mowing the grass. It's a normal thing. It's a normalcy around here. And my life changed a little bit when I was at a young age at around 8 to 9 years old, my mom ended up getting cancer.

We woke up one morning to school morning, and I was like, it should be up a little bit way before this. And it's probably like 9 o'clock, and I'm waking up late, this is a school day. And just to walk in on my mom having a grandma seizure, send me and my brother home, and I yelled my brother, he called the cops, and we saved my mom at the time. but she wasn't really given much of a time. It was just basically borrowed time. She only was given three months to live.

After that, she had a tumor in her brain. She lasted longer than what they said. She was a fighter. She lasted maybe a year and a half. So we were able to do Disney and try to do as much as we could, spend much time as we could with her. And at that age, I really didn't know exactly what was going on. My mom was there.

I just knew she was sick. That's all I knew. I understand death at the time. My brother took it harder. He took his grief and he had to go right into using drugs at a young age, smoking weed, just what kids can get their hands on at that age. And he just went down that path at a very young age with addiction and drank and then drugs and a whole nine yards. I was more or less to get myself into sports, do as much as I kind of stay focused.

I was more of a sports kid. So after my mom passed away with a hard time, my brother was into his full-blown addiction. and running around the streets. My dad was in and out of the bars, getting arrested for a DUI when I was a young age. That was a lot to take him for a kid, but I still didn't understand what was going on. I thought that was just a normal thing.

My brother, at a young age, he was in and out of jail. I was in hockey, and I was in the hockey ranks, getting rides from friends and family just to go to my sports. And then my dad was either at the bar or he'd be at the games. He made it there as much as he could. And I understand now today of what was going on in his head. And he was just trying to know himself because he lost his love of his life. And I lost my mom, but I didn't understand it until I honestly still today, I just,

I struggle with believing that she passed away where it was at a young age. And I know she did. And I always blamed God for it. And today I understand I can't blame God for it. You just made my mom to be there to be as another angel to help. My drinking really didn't pop off until I was in high school. I just seen the troubles that were caused with my dad and my brother. I would just always say, I'm not going to drink.

I just, that's not my thing. I'm going to stay in sports. You can have those dreams near a kid, but when you get older, you start realizing that the hockey's not going to be my life. It's, I'm not good enough to be that person and the pros. I started drinking a little bit at parties in, I was around 18, 17. My 21st birthday is basically where I started just, that's when I started drinking. That was when I started going.

That's when I found out, drank consists of the way I can get through work, get rid of my anxiety, and focus on myself and ease myself after I get done with work. It was just the thing I thought that was a way to calm myself. I strived myself at a young age, just be driven. I started working in an automotive at 16. I basically would go to school and then I'd go right to work and I was able to buy a house at 25 and I was a manager by 25 of the shop. So with that at a younger age,

and like I see the generation is now coming in at a younger age, and I say to myself, how would I do that? Why would I do that to myself? Because I was mostly just working no play. And I just wanted things in life that I didn't have when I was a kid. And so I was basically going from house to house, I didn't have a foundation, I didn't have a home.

And I struggle with abandonment issues because my dad would either be in jail and my brother would be in prison. So I wanted my own home and I got married at 25. I had all these things, but I still was missing something. I wasn't happy. And that's where my drinking picked up. And I'd go to work, come home, drank. It was more of a weekend type deal.

I ended up getting a head injury, falling into a curb on front of my house, letting my dog in. So I got basically lead from work for almost three months because I had a hard time. speaking. It was in my fifth concussion, numerous ones from hockey. So the only way I was coping, it was drinking all day. And what I know now is like my drinking all day was, and my side effects I was getting, it wasn't from my headaches. It was this my drinking all day. So when I go on these checkups to get cleared off the work, I would fail them because either I couldn't stand on one foot or I couldn't see clearly still or I was still having the headaches, migraines, and the whole nine

yards. But what I realized now, I think most of it was because my drinking all day. And I just remember one time when we and stuff went for a walk to get me out of the house, and I would say I see things out in the yard. My life isn't normal anymore. I've seen things. I see shadows. And it's just the weirdest freaking deal. And it's, I don't think they were my head. It was mostly the drinking I was doing. Just going back there for a second to when you first started drinking, What was that experience like? Some people have different sort of experiences they share when they first got started, but you got a lot of stuff happened when you were younger.

Was this some sort of relief for you in any way of everything that went on or was going on? It just made me feel more comfortable with my own skin. Everyone always says they had that warm feeling going down their throats and the worm was a feeling in their body. I never really had those feelings. It was just more or less it made me feel comfortable than my own skin. I was battled to self-esteem issues. I was had a social anxiety. It was just me growing up in the hockey rink.

It was never me going to parties and talking to people. It was just putting a mask on and it was just me. I was the only way I could feel free when I was a kid. In school, it says I hung out with the people, but I never felt comfortable of hanging out and talking people and meeting new people. This, like you and me are doing today, it's, man, back then I wouldn't be able to do it. It was, I got to have some drinks in me, and then I can, do it. The feeling I had, there really wasn't a feeling. I was more comfortable in my own skin

when I was able to drink. I got rid of that anxiety. It just felt more free. And so I thought. Yeah. Now, I know a lot of people, it's like that expression too, like alcohol gave me wings until it took them away. It kind of reminds me maybe that in a sense to be more more comfortable. It's so tough, I think, looking back, right, to where we're at now. And maybe you can relate with this, but I was a lot of the same way, a different turn of events in my life, but I was just, I always wondered how it was so easy for other people to connect and make friends and just be happy. And I felt, I don't really know. I never really talked with them about if they were really forcing it, but I felt like I had to force it, put so much effort and energy into making

friends, keeping friends around, like just being this clown of some sort and just this constant distraction of who I really was. And this was like even before I started into drugs and alcohol of trying to find out like that million dollar question, where do I belong in this world? What's my purpose for things? So right out of high school, you put and you already got into sort of the automotive thing. You said when you were 16. So that was your passion to really get things going. Your brother's older than you. I'm only assuming that, but he's an older brother. Yeah, he's four years older. He's driving himself. He just got himself on a Hazelden, I think four or five months ago.

He's putting in the work. He's doing the thing. He's good, man. Not doing it the way I did it. I was just basically all in, do what I can do. But he still struggles with a little bit of the social anxiety. And he's doing it his own way and I get it. We all got to do it our own way.

It's our own path. And but he's making it work for himself and I'm proud of him. He's kicking ass if I could say that. But he's doing it. He's doing it. He's doing the thing. And I'm proud of him for it. Good, man. That's great. That's really great. And so you get out of high school, you get into the, you get married too, you said at 25. How is in the early days of drinking for you, are there any red flags that you're noticing or anybody's noticing around you or is it just like what everybody else is doing? What are your thoughts there?

It was to me, it was like, gosh, it was more or less everywhere we would go. It was, at dinner, it would be a drink, multiple drinks. It would be a Saturday. Saturday, Sunday, this go to the bar up the road, it's ever bloody mary's. I'll have my beers. I have to reflect on it with this conversation here. I remember they used to start off with just one, we'll have something to eat. And then later on in the years, it was, let me try to get this third one down and it will go or just try to get the fourth one down and then I'll go. And every time now, I can think about it.

Yeah, there was red flags. 100%. We would only go there for this one there, here and there, maybe a soda, just little bad little. But then more I think about it, it's like it progressively got worse over the years. We'd go on a Sunday and I can't go. It's just, I want to have one more. And I'd already be five deep. But then before I went, I'd already have a couple before I went there. So yeah, there was red flags. And I didn't want to see him. She seen them. I didn't want to see them. It was not my problem. It was your problem. It was their problem. It was the bar tender that cut me off's problem. It was never my

problem. And that's just the blindness of our addiction, right? Yeah, it's so true. And the hindsight's 20-20, right? We can see it now clear as day. But when you're going through it, it's the truth. You can't see it or we're not willing to accept it or we're just lacking that ability to be honest with ourselves to be like, hey, this is how it's going. It's so easily to rationalize and justify the next one or it's everything around us. I'm with you on that 100%. I was blaming so many things around me for where I ended up and it wasn't until I changed that perspective that things could have the chance to change. How are things going for you? Because you're moving up the ranks in your career, your job, getting married, all things that kind of check those boxes in life, right? Buying a house.

And when you're doing all that stuff, I think too when we're wrapped up in it, it's really hard to be like, what's the problem? I'm checking this box. I got this going for me. Like, how bad could it be? Yeah, I'm doing the thing. I got my job. I'm a manager of a shop. I'm a manager of a shop. I I got it all. I'm still not happy, though. Here's kind of like, everyone says they have a rock bottom, right? I don't know what a rock bottom is. In all honestly, I'm going to go through this part of my life where there's been

numerous rock bottoms that normal people will say it was a rock bottom. At about between 20 by to 29, my drink had picked up. It was just on the weekends, maybe once every now and then at night. It wasn't, it was too in excess. Yes. Till then, to me then, it wasn't to an excess. It was to me to get numbed out and go to bed. So around 29 stress levels were already through the roof.

I had a hard time bearing myself, dealing with my own emotions. I think my early childhood was catching up with me at that time. I was missing the family life, figure, this all anxiety of this life in general, what have I actually done with my life at 29? and why am I still not happy with myself or even when I look in the mirror? Between me and my wife at the time, we're just basically, we're fighting every day. We were struggling with me finding myself, but not finding the love in the relationship. I just had a hard time loving myself.

And this also goes out to the wives, the spouses, the boyfriends, whatever anyone has out there. That person that's in your life, they're the ultimate warrior. They went through a lot of trap we went through. and they had to handle it and deal with it in their own way without anyone even understanding what's actually happening in that relationship. Because nobody knows an answer of, oh, you got the alcoholic husbands and all he goes is drink. Nobody understands that.

And nobody's not understanding what to say to that person at that time. It was just a complete warrior in the old relationship. And so basically, 29, I was doing with anxiety, the work stress, the lives were just becoming bigger and bigger and it was taking a toll of my life. And my drinking was nightly in the garage, hiding out there and not dealing with going to bed at a decent time. I'd be out there at 3 in the morning and go to work at 7.

And I'm sure I was still drunk when I got to work. So I went to my first treatment. It was not something I wanted to do, something I was basically told. We all told we should go to treatment and we'd do it to please them. And I went there. It was pre-COVID. It was basically when I got out, we were wiping the door handles and they were saying, there was a sickness coming.

Okay, I get out and then the next day, the country's on lockdown. I'm doing an IOP and that's intense about patient. And I'm doing it to still please people, but it's also, you do it because I want my relationship to work. And I still want to figure out what this whole thing is about. Do I still, do I actually, I do have a problem? I did take things out of that treatment and I take them today and I still use them, but I just didn't understand the whole situation.

So I would do my OP, but I was still drinking. I would shut my camera off and I would go in the garage. She was still working, so she didn't even know I was doing this. And I would just go in the garage on a couple of drinks, come back to my OAPE, they'll right back on the Zoot camera, and I think everything was just fine. And I was doing that for a while, but it just, it wasn't, get caught on. It catches on to us. They catch on.

They're not stupid. They'll see it at upset some point. I stopped doing that and I just started going off the garage and hiding and that was like my thing. And that's where things really got south. And I lost my job due to the COVID. And I'm sure it was mostly because I wasn't performing a performance either. Yeah. The relationship wasn't getting better.

It was getting worse. She wasn't happy with me. We were actually just having our first kid. And we had a miscarriage before that. And a lot of my drinking before I went to treatment was I was blaming myself. Was it because of my drinking that caused the miscarriage? And Hudson's a miracle baby. We ended up still having a baby.

And so it's huge when you think of it. It's big. There's a bigger picture. But in the time of our addictions that we don't understand it, we just understand we just want to blame everything. I was still blaming God at the time. Yeah. In this last five years, Hudson's the little bundle of joy of what I thought was

I'm never going to happen. That's been my biggest motivator because I don't want to see him without a dad in the long run. I make sacrifices today to be there down the road. So if I got to miss something, unfortunately, that meeting is more important because I need to be there down the road too. Yeah. Yeah, just interesting too, right? Because there's two things I'm thinking about here. One is that thing we go through, right, of everybody else's problem.

There's no problem with alcohol. It's everybody else's problem. And that lack of accountability, too. I'm wondering, like, how you started to chip away at that block to realize, okay, maybe it isn't everybody else. Isn't part of the, you sharing too, like your wife's not too impressed with how things are going and everything. How are you feeling about where you're at in life, especially when you go through, are you doing the IOP, you're drinking in the garage?

Like, I think we can fool ourselves pretty good. Yeah. But I also think there's a level of, we know what we're doing is not really in. line with who we are or who we want to be in our ways on us? What are your thoughts about those? At the time, it's like, I felt like I got it all figured out. I felt like I can get by with lying about the situation. If I'm not really an alcoholic, I'm able to get by and still do these things. I can get by with showing her that. It's not a problem. There was times where I would go to a meeting, take a picture of a 30-day coin, and to send it to her and be like, hey,

I got my 30-day chip. I hope you're proud of me. And I hope this, you know, and look, you know, whatever, whatever goes in our head at the time. And I would just leave there and go to a liquor store and start drinking. It's, yeah, I was ashamed of myself, but I was also proud of myself. I found out a way that you get through, you know, lying and hide in the situation. I thought it was clever. Yeah. But in all hindsight, it catches up to you.

Yeah. You end up finding a way. that you're going to slip up and your life just becomes more of a downhill slope. You start struggling more. You're, man, if you would have seen how I would look, it was, I was bloated and I was just, I looked like a red apple. Blood pressure was through the roof. I couldn't stop shaking.

It got bad. Yeah. Yeah. So basically, I went to my second treatment after I lost the job. I worked everything for where I was burning up the bank account. And this is where probably my life really changed, just going into that treatment and the way I came out of it. I struggled even more with myself,

didn't understand myself at all. I figured it was my life and my self-esteem and my self-image issues, was it all like deep-rooted someone? where I don't even know. I didn't understand. There were so many questions when I came out of there. And when I came out of there,

me and SEPA were in a very bad situation. And I just remember the car ride home from this treatment and my son is in the back seat and he was months old. He was less than a year, I believe. And I remember seeing him and I seen joy in him. But I also felt myself looking at myself saying, And what are you doing with your life, Kevin? You can't figure it out.

And you're still not happy with yourself. And you got that little boy in front of you, that smiling away looking at you. But you just don't feel like that person that should be his dad. You're not a healthy person. All these self-doubts would go through my head. And I was just in a dark spot. And I think that's where the moment was where I, I needed to love myself to love others, and that's where I understood.

I can't go through life with saying, I love you. I don't even love myself. There's that feeling and you're like, you think that's love, but you don't know. Basically, when I got home, we had papers on the counter and she was taking my house. She was done. And it wasn't probably like a couple weeks later after I got back because when I came back, I basically immediately went into a hotel, went on a weekend vendor, calling that treatment just to go back to say,

just to have them say that they're not taking me back. Yeah. So that's kind of like for, I'm like, okay, they're not going to take me back. Then why even bother continuing to try to do this recovery, sobriety thing? If no one's even happy with me. So that's just me buying the lie. I'm doing it in my spouse.

All these people aren't doing it to me. It's just, I'm doing it to myself and I'm proven to myself to them. It's like, I'm, there's truly an alcoholic and I can't see it. Yeah. What were your conversations like in treatment? Yeah. Yeah, you had a caseworker or something? Like, would they say, where do you think you're at and stuff?

Like, and when was this? What year? This was probably in 21. Okay. So basically just out of the end of COVID, we're still wearing our mask. Yeah. But the whole problem in the situation was like this treatment, we had a caseworker and I was bonding and I was able to communicate and express myself just to have them pull the counselor out of there and just do a whole staff change. And then I had to start all over with another counselor.

And I couldn't get invested because I was worried about insurance dropping. And every day I'd go into a group, not sure if I was going to be there tomorrow. And I just couldn't express myself the way I wanted to, the first counselor, because I just felt like I was just being just another person. I just felt like it was just a game and I couldn't get invested with it. And there was times where the culture that maybe you two should just get a divorce. And I were here to work on things, not to make things even harder in my life. And yeah, yeah, I just left that place just confused. I didn't know what I even want.

I just had no self-worth at that left there. I didn't know what life was anymore. That's where the problem was like I couldn't love myself because I didn't know what was real anymore after leaving that place. It was this bad experience, put a bad taste in my mouth. And it just confused me even more, I should say. Yeah. Yeah, interesting too, with what you're sharing about struggling to love yourself, accept yourself, and find that place within.

You feel like that, and you've probably done some work on this sense where the journey goes, but do you feel like that's coming from childhood experiences too about what was around you and how life was, and not in a sense to blame anybody else, but maybe just how things were going in your life. Yeah, my life back then was basically, it was more of an isolated type life. And that's where I got my comfort. And that's where today's life, that's where the problems kind of rooted down to. I was more, I'm more of a self-isolation type guy.

I was hanging in my room, go to hockey, come back, hang out of my room. Nobody was home. I'd make my own meals at a young age. Might have to play video games every now and then. But I was mostly just me and myself and me just take care of myself and hiding in my room. Yeah. So what happened was like in my adult years is the only way I could cope was unhealthy. It was me alone hiding in the garage because that's what I was normalized in my life.

And when I was a kid, it was hiding in my garage. I dealt through my emotions by myself and my room. Adult years I hung out in the garage and I would just drink myself to oblivion and I go to bed and numb. So that's the only way I was able to cope at an older age. because I was taking those childhood isolation habits and focus them in my dull ears. Yeah. It was, it's kind of hard to break out of those bad habits, but you can definitely get out of those habits if we do with the proper way.

That's what I do today, obviously. Yeah. So you leave this treatment center and then you get a hotel and how to things, it sounds like this is a slippery slope here, Kevin. Yeah. Yeah. So this is where it should be the first rock by. I get kicked out of this hotel and this cop basically picks me up and says that you can't stay here anymore.

It's either a detox or I got to take you somewhere else. I'm like I'm not going to detox. But then in the middle of the conversation, wherever he's picking me up and I got to leave my beer, I'm asking him, like, why am I being kicked out in the first place? And the guy is like, well, in all honesty, you got a missing person record out. You're hiding in this hotel. But the problem is, it's not that situation. You're alive and you're okay.

You're drinking, but you're talking to me right now. Problem is what's going on downstairs and the people that are seeing what you're doing. And I'm like, that's their problem, not mine. But they're like, they're seeing you come upstairs with two to three cases a day in your room and it's just you. I'm like, who? Okay. And like, that's a problem to a lot of people. Okay, so they brought me to a different hotel and I continued my bender.

But then I came to realizations. I can't keep doing this. So I went back home, went back to work. And by then, this job that I just got, and I have today, I was already too far gone to even be grateful for this job. It's at a dealership. It's respected. It's something like I grew up.

I always wanted to be a dealership. But I'm already too far gone to my addiction. So I'm starting to burn bridges there, have issues there, but I'm also being dealt paperwork to sign my house over, and he basically agreed to separate it. Focus on yourself and heal yourself and we'll see what happens. So I went to my own apartment and what are we all doing? We're all alone.

I got my own place. I can drink all day. Nobody's going to bother me. I can isolate and do the things I want. Gotta be okay. I'll focus on myself and I'll heal myself. I'll be all right. That's the lie I wanted to keep telling myself.

But it was just a slippery slope. I would stop talking to people. I would go to work. I was starting to miss and then I got in a bad car accident. So there should be rock bottom number two. I'm in the hospital. I basically back to the car accident is like I shouldn't have survived this car accident. I don't know what happened.

I don't know how it happened. All we have is theory right now from what the police reports at is I was going up. There's a high over here, 61, and I was going north. And my basis kept going straight. And I basically had an embankment and that flew off. And I went down on this hill and basically lined upside. down. You couldn't see my car. And what they think is I was hung upside down. I was hung. When I came to the next day, I was latched my seatbelt super tight, upside down. And I kept coming to, I remember this vividly because I remember like waking up and I felt dirt my mouth out or whatever and then I might fall back asleep. But it was basically as I thought at the time was just me dreaming of glass and dirt around all that was this a bad dream until I actually came to and realized I was upside down in my Jeep. So what they think happened is this happened at night.

And I came to around 5 or 36 in the morning, hanging from my seatbelt in this ditch. And it's on a highway. People could see it. But I was just so far down there that you would have never even guess there's a car down that in that hill. So it was surrounded with trees and brush. So I remember my cell phone rang in and then I was able to reach it.

And I was step letting out my dog at the time. And I was able to call her back and she's not happy with me. She said, what do you want? I'm like, I need your help. I think I'm not too far from the house and I got in a car accident. And our conversation was back and forth. I'm like, you just need to listen to me now and just get here now so I can get in the car. I was able to get my seatbelt unmatched, go across the car, able to look at it and say, what happened?

I heard her car coming and I was able to get myself up this hill and get in the car. And it was her, my son in the back seat, and me bloody from head to toe. And I couldn't feel the rest of my body. So somehow my adrenaline got me up this hill to get in the car. I couldn't walk after that. I remember she brought me to the house after yelling at me. And I remember my son being in the back seat. And he was crying and I said, why did I do this?

What did I do? And I know it was from me drinking all day. It was, I passed out behind the wheel, and I got behind the wheel, and I shouldn't know. And that's what scares me even more. It's like, I could have took somebody else out? I could have my son in the car. And I typically, I would, I knew I would never drink with my son in my car. But if it did happen, that's what scared me.

So I had all these emotions, though, I can never do that ever again. I can't go through that life if that it was the possibility of possibly killing somebody. If I would have killed somebody, where where my life went? I'm in her basement bedroom. She took me here because I said, I can't lose my job. I can't get DUI if the cops going to evolve. So I ended up passing out in the bed. And next thing I know I'm in the hospital.

And I remember her and her dad carrying me to the car. I remember that coming to one back and forth. But I was just getting purple head to toe. And I couldn't walk and I was getting swollen. So I got rushed the trauma unit and I'm there and the cop shows up and he says, you know, what happened? I gave him the honest. I still don't know.

I don't know exactly what happened. I just remember what happened that morning. I know I was drinking. But I don't know how I got there that night. He gave me a conversation. He says, whatever it is you're going through, just make this a wake-up call. I can give you a DUI right now. but I'm not going to do that to you.

I want you to take this and think about what happened and try to take this learning experience. And after that, I'm like, I appreciate everything you said. And that's the way I would have wanted it to be. I wish I would have took it at that point. But I said to myself, like, I'll never drink again, and I'm going to go back into treatment. Spent the week there, I was able to somewhat walk when I left.

And by the time I back to my apartment, I was doordashing alcohol to my front and my patio. And there just goes downhill faster. So I'm already at two rock bottoms. I should have been rock bottoms. Those are the moments where people think that those should be rock bottoms. You should stop after that. But I kept drinking.

The only way I could cope with the stress I was dealing with, the pain I was in, my relationship was definitely not going to heal itself anymore. That's probably the end. but she still cared for what I was going through. She still was later to help me out with medications. It would be there for me if I needed it. So fast forward, I'm out of work for a good while now,

and I'm basically, I've progressed my drinking from a couple cases of day to three to four cases to five cases a day. And I couldn't get through a work week within a couple days. I would go for two days and I'd be done. And my shakes would get so bad at work on, I started sweating profusely that there was a guy at work and he would, I was showing him something and I was trying to put the dipstick back in. And he's, Jesus Christ, Kevin, you're shaking, you're shaking like a leap.

And I just looked at him and I said, I basically swore at him and said, it's my shoulder. Just leave me the aff alone. But I knew the entire time there was my shakes from not drinking. I would never drink at work. And I always said that's not my thing. I got to be sober and I'm there to do my job. And I understand now why people drank at work because they got to worry about those shakes. And it's the only way they can get by without feeling sick.

And I understand it. I was wondering why people did that. I understand it now because I was trying to get through it and I couldn't get through it. So I would find any way to leave work early just to go home and start drinking again. So I would get sick. So I got home. I started doing my thing. And every night was this downhill, downhill, downhill.

every night downhill. So I was a problem. I'd start drinking some more, not talking to anybody, and life was just not an easy life. It was me doing it to myself. I hated myself. And the way to cope,

and the way we cope is drink, or we go on and do things we don't want to do because we think it's the way we should do it. I was able to kind of have a couple moments that kind of really brighten the way I need to change things. And I remember it was June, step wanted to pick me up to get hudson some gifts so i'm like all right yeah i'll go i'll sober

up and i'm up at three in the morning i'm still drinking i'm like oh i better go to bed i got the bed picked me up and i quit drinking around you know i woke up had a couple drinks she picked up around 11 and i went ahead and i stopped drinking for the good 25 minutes 30 minutes before she picked me up and i started having witcheralls already in the car i'm on the verge of seizure and on the way to pick up gifts for my son. And I remember she stopped to go have lunch and I'm not feeling great. I'm at Culver's and I'm at a pop stand and I'm trying to fill my cup and I'm shaking. And I can't even hold it and I'm spilling the cup bar all over the place, pop everywhere.

And I remember this kid looking at me. I remember today and it burns me and I don't stop thinking about every time I get popping out at the pop machine. Because I'm shaking so bad and this little kid's looking at me like, what is wrong with you? And not a good feeling, but I remember that moment. Yeah. I also remember the moment where I couldn't help my kid cut up his chicken because I'm shaking to that alone put my son in his high chair because I'm shaking so bad. So that's one moment that stuck with me is my son not being able to do anything for

him, not be able to hold him because I'm scared to I'm going to drop him. And this little kid at a top stand. So she invites me to Disney that year. And I go to Disney. I sober up a week before. And in that time frame between that June to March, I had way too many welfare checks, way too many run-ins with family members of saying, you need to shape the fuck up, way too many talks with work because they're thinking they're going to let me go because I'm not showing up on time.

And all this is all self-inflicted on my behaviors. But then I still blame them. Yeah. Not my fault. Still not my fault. All the pain you guys are causing me that's making me drink. And I go to Disney and I feel what families, I felt happiness. I felt my son enjoy going on rides with me. I felt that there is love. And this is what I needed to do is to be sober for two weeks before I got here and not

through those withdrawals, be clear-minded and actually see what families like. And family is just all love and joy. It's seeing him grow up with a father figure, a relationship that he can see and loves of actually being happy. And those moments at that Disney trip actually made me realize that this is what families. And I remember Steph asking me, it's like, is just, are you okay? Are you feeling good? And I'm sure I was drinking at that time, I probably would be missing most of it because I'd be hiding

know at that bar and this time I was actually just sitting there enjoying my kid's time and actually seen well his happiness is through his life and it's all the small things we have in life that we see today that we take for granted it's the sun outside it's the warm weather it's the laughter that's in the air they're seeing everyone enjoy the small things and the smells you don't see those when you're drinking it's there's no smells besides the alcohol and it's a dark room that's you and your own thoughts, your own pretty self. So I got home and I said I wasn't going to drink on that plane, something switched to my head that I was stressed.

I back to my apartment and I was supposed to be work on that Monday. And I left my house in Chicago here and I went north and on the way there is for four liquor stores. And that's a problem with alcoholism. We got liquor stores in every freaking corner. I was able to hit every single orchestra on the way home. And comes that Monday, I, six cases of beer gone all within a day and a half. I got pictures of it today.

And it's not a pretty sight. But I was able to take those six cases of beer still drinking and act like a normal freaking person. And that's, to me, it's, that's not healthy. It's a lot of beer. People still ask how I did it and so in the room. It's just all the months of leading up to this that I was able to tolerate it. My eyes were turning yellow. My body was falling apart.

I was always in pain. And these were my rock bottom moments. This is where I understand it. As I called that Monday morning when I woke up and I said, I'm done. I can't keep doing this to myself. Can't keep doing this to my son. I suffered from abandonment issues.

I can't do this to him. So basically my rock bottom is, my moment is when I was ready on my own time. When I've already destroyed, more things that anyone wanted to deal with, I made the call. People said I should go to treatment. Those were all like, I'll go.

But this is the time I said, I should go to treatment because I want to. And nobody, nobody really understands that, but it's a feeling in your head, like, in your mind and body, it's like, nobody will understand it, but I understand it myself. And I called a place up in, not too far from us, it's Hazleton. They couldn't get me in, but this place in Malibu, California called me and said, hey, we can get you in today.

We have a bed ready, and then I recalled you, so how did this even happen? And I was like, in all honestly, am I sure this is going to cover a treatment that's 30 miles South and there's no mall with Minnesota, so it's going to be California. And we got a bad here in California. It's come on out here. And that's where my God moment happened. Beautiful place, amazing people, amazing staff. It's unfortunately closed now, but they went out to Maryland and they got the new thing out

there, Hygieia. These people are just amazing people. And they helped me out. They helped me see what recovery is like, understand myself, understand to have fun with recovery. And that was my biggest blessing. because I understand where to love myself and love my son. And God moments can happen in weird ways, and that's one of them. I didn't pay that dime.

I was able to be scholarshiped, but turns out and cover it. A God moment should happen when I survived that car accident. I should have been like, okay, this is where I got to stop. But the moment of going to this treatment facility and be blessed with all these people that are still in my life today, I can still call Jordan and Justin be like, hey, I need some help. What do you think about this situation? What should I do?

How should I cope with this? No, be honest with me. Tell me straight up, I got a guy the tech that was there. Many, he's still sending more in gratitude and we still talked every day. I met some amazing people. Jacob, he has his own deal,

and he's doing amazing today. Yeah. Marles helped me during this book that I didn't understand when I was going through all those other multiple times. But I left there and I still didn't take what it was suggested. I went back to my apartment, started drinking again.

But then I would call them up and they would say, you just need to get yourself right into a sober house and follow suggestions. So that's what I did. I got rid of that mindset because everything I was doing wasn't, it was Kevin's way and not the right way, got into a sober living. I met these amazing people here in St. Paul. A guy in Lance and Jim, they all help me guide me down the path I need.

Nick, we have a guy there too. He just understands the way of life and he understands you to a whole different level. You learn all these things and strange ways, but it works for you and you make it work on your own path. Like I was talking about my brother earlier, it's like we have her own path. We have our own way to get go with things. I just had to go a very hard way for a short period of time to understand. This is the situation I needed to be in to understand these type of situations. It's all about being comfortable or learning to get comfortable being out comfortable,

and that's what I had to do. And they're stripping my old ways and start living in a new lifestyle, and that's staying a routine. And that's the best person I'm going to be today for my son is not the old Kevin. The old Kevin wouldn't be here today for him, unfortunately, and seeing him play hockey and seeing his life and enjoying small things, right? Yeah. It's so interesting, too, to go back there and to all of those, you know, sort of sharing that journey of the rock bottoms and everything too. And it's like the more and more I hear these stories and just connect with people and you'll be around sober people. It's like we always see in the movies, right? There's like that there's like that peak, right? Where the tough thing happens and then people change their lives like the next day or the next week. And like with this, it's so interesting because you hear so many times of all the rock bottoms. But it's not. necessarily like the day after or the week after we make that we make that change and it's also

the tough part it's also the really difficult part about this whole journey I think anyway some people can relate to it some can't is it's not possible to force somebody to get it it's not possible to force somebody to see that there's a different way to live until they're ready to live that way and sometimes oftentimes it takes a lot of pain personal for our loved ones around us, for us to be willing to put in the work that's required to make a difference in our life. That's like the most difficult thing I think about all of this, especially for guys like you and guys like me who are working, helping people and being connected in the communities. And we meet a ton of good people that they've got so much stuff going for

them and there get some time without drinking and then maybe it's back to drinking again. And it's, oh, man, it's such a difficult thing to watch. But we reflect on our own stories that like it required a certain level of discomfort and pain for us to be able to flip things and be willing to do things differently. And I love how you mentioned too, like just doing Kevin's thinking what got us here. I'm a huge believer in that. Like my best ideas, the best ideas I ever had Kevin ended me up in the worst places in life. And I had to get to that point in my own journey to realize my way of thinking got me here. I've got to get outside of that. I've got to be willing to put the ego aside and listen to some other people, whether I liked it or not.

I had to do my best to follow through with some other ways of people who came before me. What do things look like for you now? As of today, it's back in my house that I lost. My relationship is better than it's ever been. My son's in my life. With your wife? Yeah. Yep.

So it's better than it's ever been. Oh, wow. She's a complete warrior. She's done the things that I never thought that I needed it in life. but she's always been there and she's always been that rock where I just always just looked at the negative spot. It was all out of love, the love I wasn't seeing, but I got my job, I'm doing amazing there. I'm able to help people with spread and hope. I run that little page and I do little things here and there to give hope of what I'm going through that day and kind of show like, hey, this is the way I do it,

and I find a little weird work you saying out of it and make it work. But I started doing these posts We have this alumni page and I would just make posts and set these guys. It turned to more of an accountability thing with me posting this on my social media, and that's why I needed as well as more accountability. And if I'm not posting something, I'd get somebody to say, hey, we really enjoy your posts. Is everything all right? And that's where it's, oh, okay, people are actually paying attention to it and they want to see it. So that's where another blessing, I enjoy doing it.

Sometimes I think I'm tearing people out and then they're probably sick of me of doing it, but no, I mean, they actually enjoy seeing it. So the accountability tractor is what's big for me too, is that. I love that. And if it's helping them, that's the best thing. It keeps my light going. It keeps my fire going. And yeah.

So I can't complain about life today because it's much better than it was three and a half years ago. Things were pretty dark then. Yeah, man, which is incredible. to stop drinking in 22, right? That was what it was for you, right? 22, right? Yep. Yeah, July 23rd, 2022.

You said something there, man, that kind of stood out to me about you got your house back and building this relationship with Hudson and with your wife and your career and stuff. I think it's so interesting, man. You did get those things in your life, but I think that you worked for those things. It wasn't like, it's not like we just get sober and the magic happens. It's like we get sober and we get the. opportunity to go to work on ourselves. And then these things start happening in our life that he resisted for so long. And I just think that's beautiful, man, especially if we go all the way

back to the beginning. Hearing your story, I can't go away from how it was for you growing up in the struggles you went through in the story with your mom and your brother and your dad and stuff. And I see and I feel it's very important for you to do your very best to be present, to be a role model and to lead the way of how to do this thing called life the best we know for your son. Yep. And number one thing about this situation is I got to stay, continue with my sponsor, continue putting in work and continue to express my emotions when I need to. It was like when I was a kid, it was this isolation and hiding. Right? That's what we did. My coping mechanism, the only way I'm to speak about my emotions and what's going on in my life is just me and the bottle I'm drinking. So my sponsor says today and that's what I continue to run with is I got to catch myself sooner so I don't stay there as long and I can talk it, spill it and be done with it.

And that's just the way I have to live my life now. It's something that's bothering me. Hey, I got to say something. I got to talk it real quick and then I got to be done with it because the resentments. That's our offender, right? And I used to blame God, and I used to blame all these people. And all hindsight is always me causing the problem. It was my own thoughts and getting my own way. And that's what our biggest issue, getting in our own way and our own thoughts. And that's what we've got to have these people with their colorability or silver foundation.

And that's what I built. I got all those people to call if I need to speak with somebody. That's the foundation. I built down the ground zero and I'm going to go. keep building it up as many people as I can. Yeah, love it, man. Love that. Quick before we wrap things up here,

if somebody out there struggling to get or stay sober, what would you mention to them from your experience? If they're struggling and they're having a hard time finding their light, is to speak to somebody that has had time. Give it a shot. What's it going to hurt? You got to get uncomfortable. It's going to be hard situations, but it's going to be worth it.

See what they think. If they truly think that there's an issue that you have, going on and you hear him out, give it a try for a couple weeks. I told my brother, give it a try for a month and see what happens. And he's still going with it. And it's not going to be an easy process. It's going to be hard. It's, we're going to have storms, but it's how we get through them.

That's how we weather them. It's going to make us grow. It's going to be grow. So it's recovery. It's not going to be fun all the time. It's going to be worth it. Yeah. It's going to be worth it.

True. True, man. Thank you so much, Kevin, for sharing your story with all of us, man. I appreciate you having me on. It's about being uncomfortable, right? There's something in the story that somebody gets something out of. That's who I hope for. Yeah, man, love it.

Well, there it is another incredible episode here on the podcast. Thank you, Kevin, so much for jumping on. In sharing your story with all of us, I'll drop Kevin's contact information down on the show notes below. Be sure to send him a note if you enjoyed the episode and let him know. We appreciate him coming on the podcast. and sharing his story. Jump over to Apple and Spotify. Leave a review for the show.

It helps out a lot, and I'll see you on the next one.