Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Quit Drinking Then Got Hooked on Kratom | What No One Talks About

Episode Date: April 30, 2026

From the outside everything looked perfect. Behind the scenes alcohol addiction was taking over and one night it nearly ended everything. In this episode Lauren shares her sobriety story from having her first drink at just 10 years old to years of hiding alcohol addiction behind a life that looked put together.Her drinking escalates over time leading to serious consequences and a life changing moment that forces everything into the open.After quitting drinking and starting her recovery journey things begin to improve. But a legal substance called kratom unexpectedly pulls her back into addiction and nearly costs her everything in just a few months.This episode is an honest look at alcohol addiction relapse and the risks of substances that many people assume are safe.Sober Motivation Community: https://sobermotivation.mn.co/Sober Motivation Website: https://www.sobermotivation.comSupport the Podcast: https://buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivationContact me anytime: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, Brad here, and I need your help. The platforms have let me know that over 60% of you that listen to the show regularly do not follow the podcast wherever you listen, Apple, Spotify, and so on. I put countless hours into this podcast over the last three years. Interviewing people, setting it up, doing the editing. In a vast majority of it, I covered the bill with no sponsorships. This is something you can do for free that can help these sorts of, stories reach more people, and it would mean the world to me. Wherever you listen, be sure to follow

the show. Thank you so much, and now let's get into it. One night I got really, really drunk, and I don't talk about this often, but from the outside looking in, like, we were a really good-looking family, but one night I drank too much, and I went and got a gun out from under the bed. From her first drink at just 10 years old to addiction chaos near tragedy and even a relapse throughout something sold legally over the counter that nearly took everything from her in just three months. This is a raw episode, honest and a powerful reminder that addiction doesn't always look the way you think it does, and that recovery is anything but a straight line.

And this is Lauren's story on the Subur Motivation Podcast. Welcome back to another episode of the Subur Motivation Podcast. We've got an avid listener with us today. Lauren, how are you? I'm good, Brad. How are you? Yeah, I'm doing well. I'm glad that we got the connected.

excited to, you know, hear your story here on the show. Yeah, I'm excited to be on the show. I've been wanting to do this for a while. Yeah. So what was it like for you growing up? My parents were wonderful. I have two sisters. We were really spoiled. We had everything that we could have wanted and more. My dad's a chiropractor. My mom's a nurse. We just, we were part of church. We kind of lived on the outside that I would think it's like a perfect, looked perfect to everyone. And so we kind of just, the only thing I would say is like they swiped everything under the rug. So if there was something going on, we didn't show anyone. There was no showing them like if something's going on like with my older sister. So as we got

older, she's seven years older than me. And she and my mom would fight awful, like so much so that I would hide in my room under the bed because it was just bad fighting. But at the same time, I kind of thought she was really cool because she was like rebellious. And I was always the role follower. And one night she snuck into my room. I was in fourth grade. I was 10 years old. And she was like, hey, I'm leaving.

Come with me. And I was like, okay. So we snuck out the middle of the night, school night. And that's where I had my first drink. I was 10 years old. Screwdriver sitting outside by a campfire. Somebody's house. I don't know.

Yeah. Wow. And where did you grow up? We're near the Cincinnati. Dayton, Ohio area. Yeah, I'm just thinking of that, having your first drink at 10. I mean, any memories there around that event or not really? I mean, I remember sitting by the fire.

I remember having that cup and drinking it and thinking, this tastes just like orange juice. Like, it doesn't taste bad. And I just wanted to fit in. I mean, it was a bunch of 17-year-old kids, and I was 10. I had no business being there, but that was just my introduction to that world. I think my sister left me there and went and did, I think she was doing acid or something, and then she came back.

I think we went to Perkins, which is like a restaurant, kind of like, I don't know, they served breakfast at three in the morning, four in the morning. So we went to Perkins, and then I went back home just in time to go to fourth grade the next day. Yeah, just wondering kind of where things go from there. I mean, you're, you know, in fourth grade,

my guess is here without hearing the rest of it. you probably didn't, you know, really lean into the drinking too heavily maybe right then. But, you know, some people, they shared, they loved it or or helped them feel something. I mean, was there any connection there or was just this event and you kind of moved on? I don't know. I mean, in the beginning, that first couple of times, like she did that maybe three or four times after. She brought me with her. I really don't understand why, but she did. I didn't really care about it. It didn't bother me or didn't. I didn't care if we had. it or not. It was just what they were doing. But like I said, I remember thinking she was really cool.

And so I didn't get into it or look for it again. I kind of started like going towards the kids that got in trouble. Like even though I was like the safety patrol captain and trying to be the role follower, it was kind of like appealing to me, the kids that were getting in trouble. And so I started trying to hang out with them, listen to their music. And then in sixth grade is where I really got into it. I had a friend who they had a whole wine cellar, and they had the little bottles of wine, and we would go down there and drink.

I mean, I got so sick. Right before I had to go to voice lessons, I drank all this wine, and it was just ridiculous. And I don't know. It was a blackout vomiting from the very beginning. Yeah. Would you get in trouble by your parents or something like that or no? I mean, everything was swept under the rug.

So if they didn't know, then they didn't, you know, they didn't say anything. And I think it was just, they just couldn't imagine me. I mean, they still to this day are like, Lauren, we, I don't know how you did this and we had no idea. So, you know, they just, they just say they didn't even have, even up until this last relapse, they said they had no idea. They thought I was doing great. Yeah. Did you feel a lot of pressure from, because I hear this a lot of the show and you've listened to all of them. So you might have picked up on this pattern of it seems like when somebody has someone else,

maybe a sibling that's chaotic or a parent that's chaotic. They feel this pressure to kind of perform, to do well, to make everybody else sort of happy or maybe be less of sort of distraction or maybe a problem and maybe smooth things over. Like, was that anything going on for you? Yeah, definitely. So I'm the pleaser even still. Like, I have to really work on that people pleasing, not going too far. Because I saw what my older sister did and my mom would get so upset.

My mom had really bad anxiety. And so I would just watch this unfold and it was my job in my mind to fix it. So running around, trying to make it okay, trying to, you know, help my mom clean up. or just lots of things because I never really knew how it was going to be while my sister was there. And so, yeah, I definitely stepped into that role. And I carried that role, you know, my whole life in other relationships. If things were bad, I had to make sure they looked good. And I just, you know, I think that prolonged a lot of punishment things because I kept a face of looking like I have everything together.

And I was just the good kid. Like my mom, my mom and dad would say, oh, you're so perfect. I hate that. I hated it. And so there was a point when I was in high school where I was just like, I'm never going to be perfect. I don't want to be perfect. And so therefore, I'm just going to not be. And I'm going to go do, you know, what I want to do to an extent.

You know, I mean, I still wanted to be good. But I was just, I wasn't going to be perfect. And it really bothered me when they said that. Yeah. So in high school, you kind of switched to. the other side. That's kind of what I'm picking up from what you're teaching there too is less focus on doing everything perfectly and maybe change up friend groups or do different things.

It's interesting too. I mean, that's like to me that kind of flashes a red light of control. I can't control other people and how they're reacting or how they're carrying themselves, but I can try my best to maybe control these situations and make them as harmful or smooth things over or do what I need to do because that felt maybe so uncomfortable. Yeah, it was definitely uncomfortable. And even up until like just a couple weeks ago, we went over to my mom and dads and they were just barely bickering.

I mean, just barely. And I was in the kitchen, you know, I'll just do the dishes. Just sit down. And my husband looked at me like, what is going on? What are you doing? Like, it just switched on again. So it is something that, yeah, I tried to control the situation. sure that everybody still felt okay. But it was really hard for me because I was always just

a bunch of nerves worried about how everyone was going to feel. Yeah, yeah. Well, thanks for sharing that with us. I hear that story in one way or another, I think on the show a lot. So in high school, this shift, you're kind of leading us up into earlier. I mean, share a little bit more about that with us. I never got in trouble at school because my dad and mom were well known in the community, and I was, I don't know why, but I was Lauren, and they just let me get away with things. But I would start leaving school. I would write fake notes when you actually had to write a note to get out of school and just leave for the day. I started a couple of times I would leave. This is the tug of war of me wanting to be good, but still doing things that I knew were wrong, is I got in the car with some people that I was trying to hang out with and they were real big pot smokers. And we went to their house, which was, you know, and not the greatest of areas. I knew, like, my mom was always like, don't go down this area. You know, she was always very protective.

But we went right there and we were smoking pot. And I was trying to study my spelling words with them. So I was like, here's my spelling words. Can you just try to study them? And they're like, what are you? And they did. They quizzed me on it. And then I'm like, take me back for ninth period.

I got to take this quiz. So I, like, went with them. I got high. And then I would go back. and take the test. And I was just trying to keep up the facade, I guess. So that kind of went on for a while. I would drink. I got into boys. That was an attention getter. But I tended to go for them. They didn't want to be with me. I tried to like, I don't know why. I just went for guys that didn't even really want to date me. It was just a chase. And so I would do things like drink

on the weekends. I was on Swoon Team. Everybody kind of smoked pot. I didn't like. mic pot. But there was a lot of nights then at that point where I did things that I wish I didn't just because I was drinking and hiding. I even drove a couple times, which, you know, looking back, that's awful. It was 17, 18 years old. But very quickly at 16, actually, in my sophomore year, I met the man who was my husband for 21 years. So I met him. He was four years older in the military. We got married before I was out of high school. I mean, I was 18 barely. We got married and I kind of felt like, oh, he saved me from this world.

You know, he saved me. We're going to be this army family. But everyone in his life, including his parents, his family were like, don't do this. You know, he's not who you think he is. And here I am. And I'm like, you know what? He just needs to be loved the right way. I can do it.

I can fix them. I can make it better. And I try to do that for 21 years of my life. Wow, 21 years. And I mean, this kind of goes back to even maybe your role when you were younger of trying to be, you know, being the glue and to smooth everything over and make sure that things are okay. Then going into this too. How does that look, though?

Then where do you go after high school? Like, are you moving around? We moved into an apartment. and he weasled his way out of the military. I don't know. A lot of things that he did, I look back and I'm like, I don't know how he did. I don't know how he did it. I was very naive and trusting of him.

But we moved into an apartment. We drank. He loved pot. So we smoked pot. He really wanted to look elsewhere in marriage. So like he wanted to bring out of people in at a very, very early time. And I didn't like that. I didn't want to do that.

So it was like those kind of things periodically. So we lived in an apartment and did that. And then very quickly, I got pregnant with my first child. So I was 19 when she was born and I quit everything. I was so happy to quit. I was just so happy to quit drinking and smoking. I didn't want to do it. And I just threw myself into her. And I loved being pregnant. I had her. We moved into a house. He was still kind of doing his thing. But I was just going to be the best mom I could be. and about six to eight weeks in, I got postpartum depression. It just, in my mind, it wasn't what I thought it was going to be. And he was smoking pot. And so I just, I just did it again. I just started doing it again. You know, I would did everything for her all day long,

and then I would lay her down and just go in the basement and smoke some pot and sit up and watch TV by myself. Yeah. What was that like for you, the postpartum? Yeah, I had anxiety. I wouldn't let anybody come. in the house if they were going to be allowed. So like the TV was only allowed to be on like 12. I had this number that it had to be on because I don't want to disturb her. So that was a big thing.

And then there would only be like three people allowed in the house at the time. And so I was trying to control all this about her. And then inside I was just, I just glamorize being mom. And I thought maybe he was going to be there more for me. And then. And then it didn't happen. And so I was really sad because I absolutely loved her, but it was lonely still. And I didn't understand why. So, I mean, that's, and the pot didn't really help that. But I did feel that in a big way.

And I remember sitting in my house one time and looking out at the park across the street and everybody I graduated with and they're outside playing volleyball together. And I'm sitting here holding this baby, which I wanted desperately. But I just cried and cried because I was like, I'm supposed to be. out there with them doing this. And now look what I've done to myself, basically. Yeah, well, thanks for sharing that, too. That sounds like a tough spot to be.

Yeah, yeah, it was. We had a tough time, he and I for the whole time. But after my oldest daughter, like two years later, I had another one, my second daughter. And at that point, I had just learned that I was going to do this on my own. So the postpartum kind of left at about two. 12 months, and I decided that I was going to lose some weight and be healthy. And so I started exercising and that sort of thing. And then I got pregnant with my second daughter. And so I was just kind of trying to make my own way, because it wasn't going to be necessarily with him as much as I

thought it was. So we just, I just started doing that. But the exercise thing, because I hadn't healed anything, it just started becoming an obsession. And so I was, I had to, I had to, I had to lose and it just ended up blowing into this full-blown like eating disorder, binge and then purge. And it was just a transference of I'm not healing. I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing for myself. But yet I'm still, you know, I'm being mom to these two little girls and loving them, you know, adoring them and never wanting them to see or know this part of me, but just hurting that whole time. Did you talk with anybody about what was going on with you?

I went to a counselor when I was pregnant with my second daughter because I just was feeling really constricted with food. I was like, I can't eat this. I don't want to eat this, but I'm pregnant and I just need some help. And he said, what are you eating? For instance, and that day I was like, well, I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and watermelon. And he was like, well, that's okay. But I'm like, I don't think you understand. That's all I had the day.

Like, I need you to tell me what's going on with me. And I just got disfurged and I just stopped going. I was like, I'll handle it myself. So, yeah, I mean, it ended up kind of drifting away a little bit. We had a lot of arguments and he would get upset and, you know, that sort of thing because I was hiding it. So there was a lot of tumultuous situations around that. But it kind of dissipated. I realize now looking back that I liked being pregnant and having a baby because

of the attention. I know that sounds selfish, but it was not, it was like I was really lonely, but he would, he would be more attentive to me during that time. So a little bit after that, I got pregnant with twins. So I have five, I have five kids. So I got pregnant with twins and that was like a world shaker. I was like, oh my God, I do this by myself. He didn't work ever. We didn't have money. It was just, I didn't know what I was going to do. But I love being mom. So I was like, I'll figure it out, figure it out. And there I was with four babies before I was 24. Yeah, well, twins too. I'm a twin. Yeah. I couldn't imagine raising twins. Yeah. It was hard. I mean, it was really tough. There was times where I would like, I remember one time I went in the closet,

they were in their cribs and the girls were playing watching TV and I went in the closet, shut the door and I was like crying. I was like, okay, God, I need you to just not do this. I don't understand why you did this to me, but I need somebody else to do this. I can't do it. And then I, you know, I sat there for a while. I was like, okay, nobody's going to do this for me. So I left and that was a very, I grew very strong at that point. I just didn't realize it. I didn't give myself enough credit because, you know, I would ask for help, like, hey, I'm got to go to the grocery. store. I've got, you know, four kids under four. And he'd be like, you're the mom, make it work. And so he didn't help me. But it's okay because I learned how to do it on my own. And I'm grateful for that. But, you know, the drinking at that

point, to go back to the drinking thing, it wasn't a part of our life at that point because I was pregnant nursing, pregnant nursing. You know, I couldn't drink. And he wasn't really drinking. And we kind of went abstinent on that for a while until I went to work at a pharmacy as a pharmacy tech. Yeah. When was this like approximately? That was 2010 when my youngest was 10 months old. So I, after the twins, I got pregnant one more time. We moved into a house that I thought would be our dream house. But again, he didn't work and I had all the kids. We got evicted. We had to move several times because of that. So in this house, I had my youngest, and my ex-husband wasn't working, so I was like, I'm going to go to work. And I knew medical terminology for my parents. So I got hired at a pharmacy,

and I loved it. I loved the job. I loved being there. I hated leaving the kids, but I had to do something to kind of keep us afloat. One day I was going to the pharmacy, and I had some cramps, and I stopped by my mom and dad's house. And, you know, this breaks their heart because I had my first Vicodin there. But they didn't know. But I opened up the cabinet. I found some Vicodinid from like a dental procedure. I took two.

I got to work and I was like, oh, my God, this is it. I'm here. This is what I want to do. And that was just off to the races for me because I had full access to it in my pharmacy. Yeah. Wow. So that was your first kind of time experience with looking into and it checked some boxes for you. Yeah.

Where did it go from there? I mean, when you say you had. Oh, Lord. By the grace of God, I didn't get in trouble. I should have because I found some ways to start taking them. And I didn't know that I was going to get sick if I didn't take them. I didn't know about withdrawal or addiction very much at all. So I just knew that they made me feel really good.

And then when I didn't have them, I was completely out of it, tired. And I couldn't take care of the kids. So it got to a point where I was taking a lot, I mean, a ton of pills. And I, like for one, like when during Christmas, because this went on for eight months. So during Christmas, I just said, okay, today I'm not going to take them because I want to be here from my family. And I was, I was miserable sick. and I just had to go, I had to go get some at home and take them. So I just did that every day for like seven and a half months until I just, I had tried to quit multiple times.

I'd throw them all out and be like, I'm not going to take these anymore, dump them down the toilet, and then be so sick and say, I can't take care of all these kids right now. I have to go get more because they can't take care of them. And I didn't know, I don't even know if Suboxone was a thing in 2010. I don't know. Did you mention to anybody, like ask anybody for help or this was kind of your secret? My ex, he knew and he didn't say much because there was some give and take there. He was doing some things that he shouldn't be doing. So he was kind of like that sick.

I won't say, I'll tell if you don't tell kind of thing. But I think he had come home a couple of times to me nodded out to the point where I wasn't coming to very easily. And it scared him. So he told his dad, and then one night they came over and I was a mess. I was just sobbing. I didn't want to do it. And I had just taken like three sleeping pills because I had access to all of these things. And they said, just hand me your pills.

And I remember going through my wallet and wherever my purse and just taking pills out and putting them in their hand and just sobbing. And like, I need help. And so that was my breaking point. They drove me to the hospital. And it took every ounce. of strengths or walk in there and say, I'm addicted to opiates because I was terrified somebody was going to take my kids. I just didn't want to lose my kids. And they took me back and they asked me of what I had taken. I told them and the nurse's eyes got like this big. Like, holy hell, that was a lot.

But I was still, you know, talking to them cohesive. And they just gave me some flyers about, you know, recovery stuff and told me to go home and send me home with some nausea medicine. And I never used them again like that after that. I went home and it was about a week and a half of withdrawal, like locked in my bedroom. My sister-in-law kept my kids and I was just sick and I pushed through it and I swore I would never do opiates again because of that. And so, you know, I didn't. After that, I didn't. And I tried really hard to get my, I tried hard to get my life on track. My oldest was in first grade. So as they got a little bit older, I was trying to homeschool. I mean, I was trying to do things right the way I thought was right.

I hadn't healed any of that. I had just put it away. And now I was just trying to be perfect again, like the perfect mom. You know, so I was doing all that. And I got a job. I went to this Christian school. And I walked up and I said, I don't have money to pay for my kids to be here. But I want my kids to go here.

And they were like, well, we'll give you a job. job. You can work here. Your kids can go to school here. And that's what I did for seven years. My kids got private school education. I was clean and sober and I worked at the school. And that was like my, my fresh start. They trusted me. They didn't know my history. And I took that very seriously. So I worked really hard there. And there towards like the end of me working there. Some things happened in the school and some staff changed. And I wasn't treated the same. and I got kind of down. One of my dear friends died of cancer, and I was there during that time at her house.

So a lot of things happened. My marriage was still not good. I was trying to keep up for the kids, but we just started drinking again. In the midst of that, I had to have back surgery. So there's like a lot of during that period of time. But the end of it all started drinking again. We just weren't happy. We were just drinking again after my friend died.

The kids didn't know. old enough to pay attention, so we kind of hit it from them. But then eventually they started seeing us like we would have campfires and have family over and drink. And it was always to excess. It was never, it was never just one. I never just had one or two. It was always too much. So that was, we were doing that and I was unhappy at the school and I just had this great idea that we needed to move to get away from all of this and start again. And so we decided to move to move to Pensacola, Florida, which is like party capital, I feel like. I moved there because there was a really cool school for my kids. And that's honest to God why I wanted to move there.

I was like, okay, let's do this. And we went down there. I got a job at a Christian school, but we were still drinking. And it just got so much worse because the accountability was not there. We had no family. Nobody knew us. And we just went off. Just it was the worst year ever. My kids were flourishing at this school. But their dad and I were, I mean, we were going to end up dead doing what we were doing. So, you drink it every day? Like every day, you're drinking? We were drinking. We were going, I never went to a bar until I was 36 years old. And we started going to the bar. I was seeing karaoke on Tuesday nights because at this point, my oldest daughter was old enough. She was a freshman in high school. So she was old enough to watch the kids and like help them get in bed.

everything else was done, we'd go to the bar, or we'd be drinking. And it just got worse and worse being at the bar. And I would fight and say, I want to go home. You know, the kids are at home. He'd say, no, we're going to stay. And so I just, if you can't beat him, join them so that I'd be throwing them back. And that's not his fault. Yeah, we did that for a year, just basically drinking every day. And that's how we were introduced to cocaine at one of those bars, 37 number touch cooking. and this guy, the bar just took us out, and he looked at me and he looked at me and he's like, are you sure you want to do this? And I said, absolutely. I do want to do it.

Somebody told me one time that I would love it. So let's do this. And I did and we did that every day for six weeks right after that. I enjoyed it okay, but I didn't love it. And I saw the things that were happening to my ex-shusband, like, he was kind of falling apart and I didn't like it. It scared me. He had lost a bunch of weight. And I was like, we just can't do this anymore.

So we didn't buy it anymore. We went through a ton of money that month. And then we just didn't get it anymore. We were still, you know, just kept drinking, just kept drinking, blackout drinking, walking home from the bar drinking at once when I ran my car into a brick mailbox. And I, it was because I blacked, I didn't even remember doing it. I woke up and got in my car that morning to go down to the gas station to get beer. And there was a busted mailbox on one of my neighbors.

And then I, like, I had come out, my car was all wrecked and I didn't know why. So you put two and two together. Like my car was wrecked. I didn't know why there was just blown out mailbox. I did that. I just don't remember it. Yeah. How are you feeling about yourself and kind of where you're at and everything through, you know,

this one year stretch here where things really seemed to be unraveling quick? Yeah. I felt terrible. I mean, I felt terrible myself. There were times throughout our marriage and throughout that time where I had said, you know, I don't want to live anymore. I can't be here anymore. My kids would be better off without me. I was unhappy in my marriage. It was just, I felt so lost. I felt so lost. And I was just, I just wanted to feel better. I just wanted to feel normal, I guess. I don't know whatever normal is.

I just wanted to be a person and I didn't feel like I was being a person if that makes sense. Yeah. It kind of brings me back to earlier in your story too of sweeping everything under the rug. There's nothing to see here. It's not a

big problem like that can really catch up with us, I think. Yeah. Because we're not asking for help. We're not really connecting with others. We're not, everything is just, maybe there's one really bad night and it's like uh it's fine we were just drinking that's all good like we it was for me too when i was drinking i really seemed to be able to move past all of the chaos and i look at it now i'm like oh my gosh if that happened in my life today like i would

really pause for a minute or a week and say what happened there but yeah when i was drinking too i was just whatever blackout driving drinking chaos fights whatever oh man We were just drinking. It's all good. And everybody kind of seemed to adopt that thing. And anybody who didn't, then we would just kind of write them off. Like, ah, they just take stuff too personal or they're too serious. Like, we can't have that around.

Yeah, definitely. Absolutely. And the fights with my ex, when he said fighting, he and I fought so much. There was so much violence going on at this point between both of us. I had held in so much for so long. When I drank enough, I would just explode, explode. and, you know, cars were wrecked in fights. I left the bar and I made a fool of myself.

Just over and over these huge traumatic things would happen. And we, yeah, like you said, if anything, if any one of those things would happen right now, I would have to pause and have to recalibrate and think about things. But I didn't. And, you know, the last day before we moved to Florida, and I know this is a big story. I can move quickly. but the last day before we moved back to Florida, he got on his motorcycle after three shots of bourbon and wrecked

and flew 100 feet, slid all the way down his body and had all these burns. And I didn't know where he was. And when he finally came home, we had to move the next day. We had our moving truck to move back to Ohio the next day. And so my kids and I, we got everything. They actually did most of it because I was just a mess.

to help take care of him. He had a brain injury. I mean, it was a mess. So anyway, we came back to Ohio pretty broken down. Yeah. And does anybody else know? Like your parents? Are you close with them at this kind of in your life?

They all know. They all know that these big situations are happening. Like his brother knew, his sister knew, his sister-in-law knew. My parents knew some of it. My sister knew some of it. And yeah, so, I mean, it was just chaos. Yeah. It's kind of wild sometimes when you look back and say, man, how did we even find a way through?

How did we make it through? Like, how was this not maybe way worse than it was? Like, because there's so much, I feel like when drinking's around, especially like drinking a lot, there's so much room or potential for just complete disastrous things, you know? It's wild. Yeah, it is. And there, it just kept going. It was like, what was how? happening that I just didn't stop. I mean, my kids would tell me to stop. They were so brokenhearted

because you think we went to Christian school for seven years. I was on point for seven years. We were in church all the time and then they're watching me just like lose it. Both of us just go nuts from drinking so much and being unhappy with each other. But when we got back, like nobody said anything. Nobody said anything. Like, why did this motorcycle wreck happen? What is going on? Are you guys okay? Like, I don't remember anybody, maybe his brother saying something to us. We moved back in with my mom and dad. My mom helped take care of him because he had all these burns on his body. We were both unhappy with each other. I started drinking my mom's wine when we got there, like a bottle and a half a night. And at one point, she came to me, she said, you know, I buy this wine because I know you like it,

but I keep coming down and finding the whole bottle gone. And that's a lot. But that was all that was said, you know. And so we continued to live at my parents. My kids at this point were really upset. You know, my oldest was a junior or sophomore. I can't remember. But they were old enough to be upset with us and see what was happening. And it just continued and continued. We finally got a house somehow, you know, he managed to get a job somehow. And we went back to the school. I took my kids back to the school, hoping that that would bring us back to where we were before.

And it didn't. So, you know, in the point of drinking so much and being upset with him because there was infidelity and all the things that it happened. And one night I got really, really drunk, and I don't talk about this often. But I just, from the outside looking in, like, we were a really good looking family. Like, my kids always looked great and clean. And we just looked like we had it together. But one night I drank too much. And I went and got a gun out from under the bed. And I was going to shoot myself. I was just done. I was just going to shoot. And I went in the bedroom and I had the gun. And I had the gun. in my hand and I was like, I can't do this. And I just shot the gun at the wall instead because I was so angry. I never really shot a gun before and it was so loud. And, you know, he thought I had killed myself. But he called the police. I quickly left with a friend of mine. I had her take me home to her house. And the police came and found me. I went to jail for two days. And I had to face the reality that I'd put all of us in a huge risk because I was, in my mind, it was his fault.

You know, this was all his fault because I was unhappy. And I had to stay away from my kids for 72 days. Wow. How scary was that? I mean, when that all happened, like you were really drunk. So do you remember it or no? I remember. I remember some of it.

At that point, also, I was getting a person. description for Ambien. So I had taken one of those or two of those or something, but I remember taking it in and screaming, feeling really sick to my stomach and having the gun in my hand. I remember it aiming at the wall. I remember him coming in and throwing up because he thought I had killed myself. And he got sick. And then it's all a blur until I remember texting my friend, like, I need to get out of here. I need to leave. This isn't safe for me to be with him. I'm going to do something stupid. So she came and got me and took me to her house.

And it was terrifying. It was scary. And I can tell you from that moment on, when I got upset with him drinking, I would leave. I would just go lay down somewhere and go to sleep. I never got to that point again because it scared me so bad. I got angry, but not like that. Yeah. Going through all of this too with your kids, I mean, how is that impacting you?

with your relationship with them and how you're living, you know, especially in Florida there and everything too, because earlier in the story and I'm sure has always rang true that they mean the world to you. But the way you're living and the addiction taking over is how you showing up in a different way than probably how you want to. Like how does that feel on the inside? I apologize to them like all the time,

especially when I was drunk. I'm so sorry, guys. don't want to be like this. I would blame their dad. I'd say, you know, I'd say, you know how dad is. And they were always like on my side. Even now, like, even after all the things they've been put through, they see who I am deep inside and not who the addiction is. And I'm very proud of them for that because not many people, even adults, can do that. But one of my children, one of my twins, He was not okay with it. He refused to be okay with me.

And he would tell me how wrong I was until the minute, so forever. Like, he never stopped telling me, this is stupid mom. I can't believe you're doing this. What's wrong with you? Do you see yourself? I mean, he would. He got really upset. The other kids kind of did what I did when I was a kid.

And, you know, don't make mom mad. Just let's watch a show with her. Let's lay and watch a movie. Because when I drank, I just wanted to. hang out with them. I know that sounds so weird, but I just wanted to hang out with them. They were getting to be teenagers and I would drink and we would play games and stuff. I just tried, I thought it made me more fun. But at the end of the day, I would cry almost every night, almost every night. I would sit in my car and cry. I would tell them I'm so sorry. This is not right.

Please don't live like this, even though I'm doing it. I mean, we had a lot of moments like that. Yeah, well, where do things go for you, you know, from these 72 days? I think you said it was and you went to jail. And, yeah, where do you go after that? We got, I got a lawyer. My mom and dad helped me get a lawyer. And we went to court. He wasn't going to press charges against me.

I mean, he swore he didn't know they were going to take me away. I don't know what he thought they were going to do. But he swore, I didn't know they were going to put you in jail, whatever. but the lawyer suggested I go to AA. So that's my first experience with AA. So I went into AA. I was a mess. I was sobbing.

The women I go to meetings with now, remember that. And so we remember your first meeting, Lauren, you were a met. I couldn't even speak. And I kept, the only thing I could say is I don't have my kids. I don't have my kids.

I don't have my kids over. And that was the worst part of it. So I went to meetings every week and I really wanted to be sober. And then I went home. And when I went home after the 72 days, we kind of had like a welcome home thing. I came home and we had like a party. But then I went outside and there's huge garbage bands, the big metal ones, were full to the top with bourbon bottles and vodka.

He was just having parties all the time while I was gone. And I found out some things that were happening there while I wasn't there. And I went in and I remember that. I held my AA book and I was like, I'm not going to be able to do this. And I put it down and I went down, I got to drink. And that was it. So it picks back up again, even though I knew that I didn't want to do that. And I mean, that was the end of our marriage.

That was the end of everything when I came back. I mean, we kept drinking. We kept living like we had. We started just, it was over. I got a job and it was a really good job. And I got my first car in my name because I, I didn't even have a bank account the whole time we were married. So I got a bank account.

I got a job. I got a car. And I was like, okay, I'm ready. And I left. And I got an apartment. My oldest daughter had moved out and gotten married at young age, just like her mom. And the two of the kids wanted to come with me and the other two wanted to stay with their dad. And we let them do that because we thought that was okay at the time.

I wish we wouldn't have. I wish we would have had us that parenting schedule. because they didn't want to go to the other parents' house. But anyway, I left. I got an apartment. And a little while into that, I was still drinking. I was going to my job. I was drinking.

I was drinking food from Walmart. We didn't have grocery money. A lot of it was going to drinking. So that was on me. But when I got caught doing that, it terrified me to so much of it. I didn't even get, like, they, It dropped off my record. Like, it was a diversion charge because it wasn't.

It was like peanut butter and jelly and cheese and bread and milk, you know, those kind of things. So they didn't really, they scared me to death, but they didn't press any charges or anything. I just had to pay it back. But in this whole process, I just started realizing that it was no longer his fault. Like, I was still doing these things. I got a DUI. And I was like, I got all this stuff on my own all by myself. This wasn't him anymore.

And that was the best thing that could have ever happened to me because the minute I realized that, I never have had a drink since. And that was three years ago in August. That was three years ago. Yeah, wow. So 2023. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I was walking outside.

I was trying to explain to my mom why I had stolen food from the grocery. And she was like, if he would have paid you child support, and then I just stopped, I was like, mom, it's not him. It's not him. And that was a spiritual moment. It had to have been. I never thought that way. It was always his fault. And then all of a sudden it was like, I'm doing this all by myself.

And so, yeah, I didn't drink again. I just, I didn't drink again. Did you start going to meetings again? Or like, how did that look for you after that? Yeah. Yeah, in the process of this whole thing I met, the person I'm with now, the guy that I'm with now, who is now my husband just since last weekend. But he's not a drinker. He didn't know that this was going on in the beginning when he first met me with the theft and stuff and the DUI.

He obviously found out. And it puts some strain on our relationship, but he wanted to stand by and help me. So a lot of times when I was having like that antsy, I have to drink. tonight, I would drive to his house and stay at the house for the night or something and go back home. My kids were so supportive. Like, I wrote the 12 steps down and I had them on the fridge. I was going to meetings. I got a sponsor.

I was doing it. And I felt great. I felt great. I was running again because I love running. I was just getting my life back. And, you know, I was away from this toxic relationship. I was in a really nice new relationship that was wonderful and kind of more sane than I realized a good beat and I was just doing sobriety. And I stopped at a gas station and I went in and I saw a little

shot bottle that said it was five hour energy and then this other one that was called Viva Zen. And it said, Kratom on it. And I had heard of Kratom. I had heard that it was kind of like opiate effect. And I just for whatever reason kicked it up and took that shot. And I knew immediately. I knew as soon as I had it that it was, it was going to be an. opiate thing. Yeah. And when was this? Like what year? It was 2024. 24. And so yeah, you grabbed the cratum and I haven't had anybody on the show yet. So I was talking with you and you know, we've been connecting back and forth for months about the the whole cratom thing and how, you know, it's affecting a lot of people, a lot of people I hear. Maybe kind of the thing about alcohol, too,

is we get into this, not knowing how damaging it can be. And everybody has their own individual story but you know they usually don't show this part um in the movies right it's two people sailing off in the sunset wow everything was great you know home run great you know drinking and then now you have this cratim that's available from what i understand or used to be available at every convenience store pot shop whatever it was so you you get this crate and you try it i mean it starts to check those boxes again for you yeah let me know if this is accurate you know you're only going to try it once i mean obviously this isn't going to become a problem. Like, were you thinking like that at all?

Yeah, and remember I said I had back surgery a long time ago. I started running and it helped me through all the withdrawals of alcohol, but it was hurting my back a little bit. And so I saw that and it said more energy and no pain or pain free or whatever. And so it did. It absolutely, it's unfortunate how bad of a product this becomes because it really helped with my pain. And I don't want to say that to encourage anyone.

to take it, but yeah, and it is available in other states. Ohio, it just is banned in Ohio. But, yeah, you can, I could find it anywhere, and it just slowly crept up. And meanwhile, I wouldn't sober. I'm going to meetings. I'm not even considering this going against my sobriety. I'm not even considering this as a, as a breach in my time. You know, I'm taking chips and I took my year chip, and I was, you know, taking this stuff. And it just ramped up because it helped my run. And then it gave me energy. And then I would have two of those bottles instead of one.

And then they came out with something called 70H, which is a derivative of the crate on plant with the same alkaloids that affect the opiate receptors. And it binds to the opiate receptors 13 times more powerful than morphine. And they're selling this stuff. And so I started taking it. And of course, from the start to the end of me taking, that was three months, and I lost everything. So it's very expensive, number one. And number two, I just went back to the way I wasn't phycin.

You know, I just, well, it's legal. It's fine. And I'm just going to take as much as I want. And I did. And I used every bit of my money. I was borrowing money from people. And it didn't even dawn on me that it was going to be a really bad addiction. until I was so far, until I'm so far in with that 708.

And my kids started seeing it. They didn't know what was going on. They couldn't figure out what was wrong, but they were saying stuff. I was nodding out, so I wrecked my car. I was nodding out, so I ended up losing my job. And it was just awful. It was terrible. And here I was so happy to be sober.

And this stuff was legal and over-the-counter that you can buy. And it totally stripped me of more, you know, so quickly more than almost anything had before. Yeah, wow. And you're right. You're doing all this work. You're going to the meetings and you're plugging in. I mean, for a bit there before this,

it seemed like things were going really well. You had met someone else and, you know, kids and all that. And then you get introduced to this. Yeah, over the counter. You just buy it at the shop. I mean, how much money you say it's really expensive? Like, what's the day cost doing this? So is the regular stuff cheaper or seven o?

Yeah, the powder is cheaper. If you buy the powder or the capsules, it's cheaper. But the measurements would be like you would have to take, like, I don't know, I think it was like 50 of those bags of powder to reach the 7-hydroxy that I, 7-0-H that I was taking and other people were taking. So you could buy the powder. And there are people that get addicted to that powder because it does have opiate effects. but I just went for the stronger stuff.

And the only reason I went for that is I thought it would save me money because I'm buying those little shots for $10 a piece and I'm buying five of them a day. And then there's four tablets in a blister pack for 1999. And so I thought, okay, I'm going to get these instead of using the bottles. And I just started getting those and then they were great. And the withdrawal, I mean, they got out of your system very fast. you start having opiate withdrawals.

And so upwards of probably $120 a day. Wow, 120 a day, yeah. And then how do you, like, how does this come on your radar? You get to a spot to where you want to quit, you know, doing the gradum. But that's the confusing spot. I think people might find themselves in with this. I mean, come on, how bad can it be? It's at the store.

There's so many people doing it, whatever. They sell it at a convenience store. Like, can it be that bad? Can you get addicted to this? But how do you end up, you know, get into that spot? Well, I remember like Bert previously when I was taking all the pills, I remember having to wake up in the middle of the night to take one so that I didn't have withdrawal when I would wake up to take care of the kids.

And so at this point, I was doing that with these. I would wake up and I would be in the sweats and then chills and restless leg and all the opiate withdrawal stuff, sneezing, all the weird stuff that happens. And when I would take one, I would feel better. And so therefore I knew how bad it was. And at that point, I was like, oh, my God, it just took over my mind in something. I've never had anything take over my mind like this. It was just a constant obsession. And it has some seratogenic effects as well. So it can be like a stimulant if you take little bits of it. And then if you take a lot, it's like an opiate. And so it just became very clear to me that it was an addiction. I'm doing things. I would never have done to get money so that I can buy this. The consequences of me never being able to pay my bills, you know, so I'm bypassing that. I have no money.

Nobody understands why I don't have money because I have a really killer job. And I just started getting really erratic. And it just started affecting me really, really bad. And I went into like this weird psychosis the last three days that I used it. And I was seeing things. I thought I saw people that weren't there. it was very scary. My kid, my son saw, he's the one that called to get help that night. So there was a night where I was just, I don't know, apparently, I don't remember any of this. Apparently,

I was just out of it. I was, like, drooling. You know, I just was not good. And I don't remember how many I had taken that day. I just took them. I just would take them all day. And I had a prescription for volume that I had taken, too. So I was way out of it. And my son called my now husband. And then called my sister, through this whole period of time, called my sister. And my sister called the ambulance and police. And my mom and dad came over because I was just saying, I can't do the same work. I wrecked my family too much. I'm done.

I just don't want to live. I'm done. And so they came, the hospital came or the ambulance came. And I laid in my bed and refused to go for a while until like my sister looked at me. And she's like, it's time to go now. It's time to go. And so I went down and the officer was like, do you want to get help? I said, yes, I do.

And so I went and got in the car, in the ambulance. And that's the last time I've touched any of that. And it's been over a year now of that recovery from that. Wow. Wow. In the cratim, too, it can't have that big of an effect on your life too. In three months, you know, things went downhill and went downhill pretty fast. Yeah.

Was it tough? Like, has all of this been tough? With sobriety now, not drinking, not doing the cratim, I mean, still plugging in to your community and stuff. Has this all been tough for you? Like, what has your experience been since? After I went to the hospital, nobody knew what it was. And I went through these massive, gnarly withdrawals for a long time. The emotional bounce back from this was not like anything I've ever felt.

I was down and weird and out of it for quite some time. but I left. I lost my apartment. My kids went to stay with their dad, which was my biggest fear of my entire life was losing my kids. And I didn't. And so I went to stay at my mom and dad. I had no house, no car, no job. I was just at square one. I was just at the beginning and give credit to my higher power. I had this weird strength. Like, I'm going to get up and I'm going to show myself. I'm going to show just myself and everybody else. that this is not who I am. I'm not this. I've never wanted to be this and I'm not going to be this. And I just made recovery my job. So like for the first seven months living at my mom's, I didn't work. And I just went to as many meetings as I could. And I went on runs and listened to this podcast like every single day all the time. It was always playing because it helped keep my mind on recovery. And sometimes I had to be out of myself and just be hearing somebody else's story. And so it would help me. It was hard.

I had temptations for to go back every once in a while, but all you have to do is play it tape forward. Like if I took one of those, what is the purpose? Look at all this shit that I went through. So, you know, it wasn't hard to shake that. But then also the added fact that I think in December they made it a schedule one, drug in Ohio. And so it's gone. My problem with that was just like all the people that were taking.

taking it. It was just gone that day. And I don't know. There was no option of like, hey, this is cradle of sobriety. This is recovery for this drug that nobody knows about. And so I just started telling people that I really wanted to get that out because there's people that I know if I would have woke up and it was not there that day, I would have lost it. And I even asked one of the vape store guys that knew me. I said, was there anybody else buying it like me? And they're like, Oh yeah, people would be here before the doors would open. Yeah. Waiting at the door to get it.

So I know I wasn't the only one. Yeah, I have known people, a handful of people too, that have been, you know, wrapped up in it, you know, for the creative. It's just kind of interesting to me. You're plugged into, you know, your AA, right, and you've given up drinking. I mean, that's a huge win. Mm-hmm. That's so big for your life, right, and giving you an opportunity to move out on your. on your own, see things a little bit differently, show up in the world a little bit differently.

And then this other thing that is not regulated, it's like we can just think, well, you know, whoever it is, government, whatever it is, hey, they're going to look after us. I mean, they wouldn't obviously let somebody sell in a convenience store next to a bag of chips or a four-hour energy drink. They wouldn't in their right mind let anybody sell something that three months later, I could lose everything, be in psychosis, end up in the hospital and not really even want to live anymore. You know, and then you end up down that journey, you know, of things too, right?

So then it's probably a big setback for you to think like, hey, I'm doing all this other stuff and maybe a misalignment there too, right? Like maybe you're not sharing about it that you're on the cradle. I'm like, I'm only guessing I don't know anything about this space, but if you're in AA, if you're in meetings, like there's probably a stigma about like, hey, the cratom people. I definitely don't think you're the only person that goes to places and was using Kratom, but it's like, how do you talk about it? How do you open it up?

Am I still going to be accepted? Is this going to make sense? All of these things, I'm only guessing here. I have no idea that any of that played out for you. I'm thinking. Yeah. It was really isolating. So it's not like a party drug.

You don't just go get Kratom and like hang out with some people. It's just you. It's a very isolating drug. So I was just doing it in my car or at home. And I would just chew up these tablets, you know. And I think there's a lot of misinformation out there because the 70H and the Kratum are similar families. But a lot of people fight for Kratum because it helps with pain. And they will stand on that till they die. And all I can stand on is the fact that I know what this path led. And, you know, I know I went to the stronger 70 age. It's all kind of similar. But I just know what I know. And some people will fight for it. They will. But I lived it. And I had a, awful experience with it. And it was a setback. It was a setback. And it was, it was isolating. The great thing is that my sponsor is an addiction medicine doctor. And so she knows a lot of things about addiction medicine. And she knew a little bit about this stuff. And so I was able to

talk to her. And basically anybody that's been addicted to like opiates or pills could understand pretty well what I was talking about. And because I had such a long history with alcohol, I didn't have any trouble at the meetings. Most people were like, yeah, you know, I fit right in there, which is awesome. So they watched me go through this patched year of recovery. And I mean, I took an 18-month chip for alcohol. And I was on, I was just coming off Kratom. And one of the old-timers came up and he's like, you're not sober.

You weren't sober for 18 months. And I was like, and I went home and I was like, he's so right. I got to start over. Like, I have to get 30 days. And so I did. And, you know, now I'm over a year. And that's what I'm claiming as my sobriety. I still keep to heart August 6th, 2023 because I never had alcohol since then.

Yeah. But, you know, February 11th, 2025 is my sobriety date for good. Yeah. Well, great job, Lloyd. Last question to wrap up here. What's inspired you to share your story with everybody here on the podcast, too? I mean, everything that you've been through, like a lot of ups, a lot of downs, twists and turns. What's inspired you to jump on here and share this with us?

I think when I started opening up to people in my meetings and they always say to me, oh my gosh, Lauren, I would never have thought. We just thought everything was so great. They just didn't think me. And I know that there's a lot of people that they can fly under that. like, oh, I look the part or I live the part or whatever. And I just, and it's going really bad behind closed doors. And I just, I guess I just want to tell them that it's okay to reach out.

If you're trying to keep up a facade, if you're trying to pretend like everything's okay, there's somebody that, that you in a meeting or celebrate recovery in the community here, like just reach out because that facade, once you break through all of that, there's freedom. There's just this amazing freedom. And I really want people to know about this extremely dangerous life-changing drug that's being sold throughout many states in the United States. That hasn't been banned yet. And just because it says supplement doesn't mean that it's okay. And I was all about sobriety.

I was not looking to get high at all. So just really want to get that out. And I don't think that I came through everything for nothing. And so I just really want to use my story. I'm kind of promised God that I would when I got sober that I'll use any of it. I'll use any of it to help anyone I can if he just helps me out. So I'm trying to do him a solid like he did me. Yeah, look at that.

I'm so proud of you. You know, what a story and everything you've been through to be where you're at. it really goes to show that, you know, we can't turn things around. I am curious, too. Like, how are things with your kids? They're great. They're so great. When I got out of the hospital, a couple of my oldest daughter wouldn't speak to me.

She just told me I'll say something I wish I didn't say. If you speak to me, I'm going to hurt you. So I just need to stay away, which that maturity is beautiful. The couple of the other ones were just text me every day. You can do this mom. You've got this. which, I mean, they're just amazing human beings. My kids are.

And they just encouraged me. They started coming around after a while. They were still a little skittish to see me because there had been some part there towards the end. And then they just didn't trust me at all. And they've watched very carefully this past year. And like for Mother's Day, we're all going to go to a drive-in movie and we're going to have dinner. And the girls are going to spend the night with me. and we're going to do nails.

I don't know how that happened, but it did that they are able to forgive me. Yeah. Wow. That's beautiful. The twins were there walking me down the aisle for my wedding. Yeah. That's right, too.

That's right. Congrats. Any thoughts you have for closing? No, I just appreciate you letting me share my story on here. And I hope that it helps open awareness. And I hope that it helps anybody that, that might be resonating with the story. Yeah, I'm sure it will.

Thanks again so much. All right, thanks. Well, there it is. Another incredible episode here on the podcast. Thank you so much for listening along. Don't forget to share your thoughts down in the comments below, and I'll see you on the next one. Thank you again, as always, for listening to the show.

Don't forget to leave your thoughts down in the comments below if you're listening on Spotify. And please, follow the show. It helps out so much. let the platforms know that this is an incredible show and more people should know that it exists. See you on the next one.