Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Quitting Drinking Without a "Rock Bottom": Paula's Story

Episode Date: May 5, 2026

You don't need a rock bottom to quit drinking. No DUI. No lost job. No moment where everything blows up. For Paula, life looked great from the outside, a beautiful home in South Florida, two kids, a marriage built in the alcohol industry, and a career soaked in alcohol. Nothing was falling apart on the outside or so she thought. She made every soccer practice. She was the homeroom mom. But the hangovers were getting worse, the blackouts had started, and her kids were beginning to see two different versions of her.In this episode of the Sober Motivation Podcast, Paula shares what she calls the "miserable middle" of drinking. The place so many high-functioning drinkers get stuck. Nothing is bad enough to quit, but nothing feels right either. She talks about growing up with a normal relationship to alcohol, building her entire career around it, falling into the mommy wine culture trap, and how managing her drinking became more exhausting than the drinking itself.After 30 years of drinking and four years of being sober curious, it was her teenage daughter's words that finally broke through: "I can't take these two different people." That was Paula's day one. November 2, 2022.We cover:Quitting drinking without a rock bottomHigh-functioning alcoholism and the gray area drinkerMommy wine culture and how it sneaks up on youWhy managing your drinking is exhaustingAnxiety, hangxiety, and the cortisol crashHow alcohol affects your kids even when you think they don't noticeThe "miserable middle" between drinking and sobrietyWhat the first year of sobriety actually looks likeIf you've been sober curious, gray area drinking, questioning your relationship with alcohol, or wondering if your drinking is "bad enough" to quit — this episode is for you. You are not alone, and you don't have to wait for things to fall apart to choose something better.Sober Motivation Community: https://sobermotivation.mn.co/Sober Motivation Website: https://www.sobermotivation.comSupport the Podcast: https://buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivationContact me anytime: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, Brad here, and I need your help. The platforms have let me know that over 60% of you that listen to the show regularly do not follow the podcast wherever you listen, Apple, Spotify, and so on. I put countless hours into this podcast over the last three years. Interviewing people, setting it up, doing the editing. In a vast majority of it, I covered the bill with no sponsorships. This is something you can do for free that can help these sorts of, stories reach more people. And it would mean the world to me. Wherever you listen, be sure to follow the

show. Thank you so much. And now let's get into it. And it wasn't until one night I went overboard, just went to lunch with a girlfriend. And when I woke up the next day with a raging hangover, and it was my daughter who was like, I'm done. I'm done with you. I can't take these two different people. You know, when I go away to college, you'll only speak to me when you have to. Paula didn't lose her job. crash a car, nobody had to come pick her up, from the outside her life looked great. South Florida home, two kids, marriage, career, but the hangovers were getting worse. The blackouts were starting, and the anxiety was crippling, and her daughter was done. This is the story of how Paula walked away from drinking after it snuck into every facet of her life, and what she found on the other side.

And this is Paula's story on the Sober Motivation Podcast. Thank you so much for checking out the Sober Motivation Podcast. If you enjoy the show, shows, don't forget to subscribe and leave your thoughts down in the comments below. Now let's get to the show. Welcome back to another episode of the Super Motivation podcast. Today we've got Paula with us. Paula, how are you? I'm great, Brad. Thank you. How are you? Yeah, I'm well. I'm doing good. All things considered, thank you so much for being willing to jump on here and share your story with all of us. What was it like for you growing up? My pleasure. Thank you for having me. Well, I grew up here in South Florida, right? near the beach and I had a great upbringing. It was a lot of fun and I didn't come from an alcoholic

home. My parents have been married almost 52 years, really cool, fun, hardworking, very hardworking people and always provided a great life for us. Nothing, nothing glamorous or fancy, just a good, a good life, a lot of love. I had a lot of fun growing up and selling. Florida. A lot of time at the beach. We went to nightclubs very early on. And yeah, just not a big family. I have a brother, seven years younger, and then my sister's two years younger. And it was a, it was a nice way to grow up, I will say. Yeah, the sunshine state, right? Yeah. I mean, we live where people vacation. It's not too shabby. Yeah. No, that's great. And I think, too, we were mentioned a little bit before jumping on here. I mean, for me anyway, doing so many of these

episodes, 270 and working with people for many, many years, not every story starts out with maybe the rockiness involved that we might think, well, you know, that kind of makes sense later in life, this struggle with alcohol, substances, whatever it is, right? And you kind of touched on two key factors, actually, without maybe even realizing it of common threads I see, people who can struggle later down the road as their parents have separated or they came from a home where, you know, people were leaning into drinking or that was something they saw a lot. Did you see a lot of that growing up or not really? No, I didn't. My mom didn't start drinking until she was in her 30s, maybe a glass at night to relax. And then my father drank socially, you know, block parties.

I'd see him have beers after maybe mowing the lawn. You know, there was never like a negative connotation to alcohol. It was always pretty normal, healthy relationship with alcohol. I had a family member who struggled pretty bad with alcoholism. So my vision of alcoholism was somebody who had really gone really far down the scale, you know. Yeah. And that's interesting too. And I'm sure that might come up later in sort of the story here about how. How, yeah, I mean, this lives on a spectrum. I think we know that at this point. But in the earlier days, it might be you have to fit into sort of this one box.

It has to look exactly like that. And if it doesn't, well, then there's nothing to see here. I'm figuring out. Anything else stand out to you kind of from your childhood? Like, how did you feel about yourself? How are things with school connecting with others? Yeah. I always consider myself a pretty social person.

and I was always very outgoing. I got in trouble a lot in school for talking too much. She talks too much. And I did have a little bit, I think, of trying to not be perfect, but a little bit of a perfectionism aspect to me. And when everybody started drinking in high school, that was normal. And for me, it felt like it allowed me to kind of shut down,

on the perfectionist part of me. And then at the same time also allowed me to be more social and more outgoing. And, you know, when you hear people saying, you're so much fun, come out with us. And then you're being included and you fit in and you can be with the popular kids. Not really any insecurities. I mean, just normal insecurities that girls have growing up. That was not, it was nothing abnormal. Yeah.

And I mean, relatable to there with. the being able to fit in and make friends with other people. I found when I started drinking, like, I would have nothing in common with a lot of people. But if we drank together and partied and it was fun, then it was like, oh, yeah, come be part of the crew. And I was like, wow, this is, this is awesome. This is all it takes. I'm all in.

Right. Yeah. And then the wildness that comes after it. I mean, your first time drinking, do you remember it? I can't say I remember my first time drinking, actually. You know, we lived in an area where there was a lot of new development. So there were what we would call like the rock pits. They were actually just construction sites.

And so we would go out there and drink our zimas and our bud lights and smoke marble lights. And, you know, that was just a really normal thing in high school. Yeah, to get together and hang out. Would you have been allowed to drink or like that was okay if it wasn't? causing a bunch of problems or no? You mean with my parents? Like was it allowed in the home? No, no, no.

My parents were, I wouldn't say extremely strict. You know, my father was Latin. So there was a little bit of that strictness. And my mom, I think they were just so busy trying to provide for us and make sure that everybody was doing what they needed to do and focusing on school and contributing back to society that it wasn't it just wasn't something that was aligned with our values at home. Yeah. So how do things look like for you at the tail end of high school? Like I'm guessing, I'm only guessing here, but probably not any huge problems around drinking. It ruffled things up or no?

No, not at all. I was, I was into the, I was on the golf team. So I was a pretty decent golfer. And my grades weren't great. I wasn't a great student. I can admit that now. I was embarrassing at the time. All my friends were doing well in school and they all went off to University of Florida, Florida State. And my only option really was to go play golf at a small school. And so I took up that opportunity to do that. And I was there about a year.

I worked in the meantime, saved money because my parents said, you know, you're not, this is, this is the plan for you. if you want to go party with your friends, we'll pay for your education, but we are not paying for you to go party. That's not what we're doing. So I was like, okay, I'll save all my money and I'll do it myself. So I did. I saved my money, quit the golf team and went to join all my friends who were partying their butts off up at Florida State University. And that's where that went. Yeah. So you quit going to the school where you were doing the golfing at. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I wanted to go party with my. my friends. They were having a great time. I'd go visit them on the weekends. And I was like,

this is, this is where I want to be. And so I did. I saved every penny I made and paid for my new life. What, what were you doing for work early on? I think I was working. I was working at a golf course at the time, maybe retail, you know, trying to go to school. Yeah. So you go up there and you really lean into partying at this point? I mean, and then are you going to school as well or no? Oh, yeah. No, I was, my mom was a nurse. She actually had gone back to school when we were teenagers, but there was nobody in my family had had a college degree. So I would have been, I would be the first. And that was really important to me that I got a college degree, helped my parents, you know, pay for me to, you know, live up there, my living expenses. So that I did have a

focus. I had a really big goal. And I had my eye on the ball and partying was weaved in there seamlessly. I could still work that in while while accomplishing that. So yeah, it wasn't a disastrous. Nobody had to come pick me up and bring me home. I made it work. Always making it work. Yeah. I mean, was it difficult at times or no? No, I don't remember being difficult at times. It was like, okay, I have a test tomorrow. I can't go out tonight. You know, I really made sure I was managing the drinking. Yeah. So at this point, it's-

Alcohol, you know, which is so ironic looking back, because it's like I never wanted to do drugs because it seemed like that was uncontrollable. But the alcohol, that's controllable. Yeah. And well, I mean, even on that point, too, I mean, I think there's been a huge shift about, you know, there was always this big conversation,

especially when I grew up with Dare. It's like drugs and alcohol, drugs, and it was like these two completely different things. And it's so interesting. I mean, if you scale back to marketing and peel back the layers of the onion that the big alcohol companies did. I mean, that was exactly their goal, right? I mean, we want to separate ourselves, even though it is still a drug. You didn't really hear anybody refer to it as, well, I'm going out drinking. Instead of saying, well, I'm using drugs or I'm using a drug, it was very, you know, it was very,

very socially acceptable. Well, it still is in a lot of ways, but that way they kept it separated. Their punchline is to drink responsibly. So it puts all the onus on whoever is drinking it would be really interesting if we kind of coined that up with, you know, other things. So you don't really run into any sort of problems. You know, a lot of people I think have this. I kind of refer to it as the college experience. It's kind of doing what you need to do and, you know, making it through that, partying a little bit. But it does really seem. to in some stories open up the door to kind of what's acceptable and maybe risk taking a little bit. I hear a lot of people's stories.

Like maybe I shouldn't have been walking home at 2 in the morning or maybe blacking out or different people have their own experience with it. I don't know if this is going to be your story. I'm really interested. But some people when they leave college, they think, oh, yeah, I'm just going to turn off the taps. And I think little people I have on the podcast, they kind of, open up the taps maybe a little bit more after college, just thinking that that was a phase. What was that experience like for you? No, yeah, absolutely.

I feel like even up into the, in my mid-40s, it was like I didn't turn the tap off. It was still always chasing that more fun, higher high. That never really turned off. It's crazy how that does happen. But after college, I had some family in the alcohol industry. and so I went directly to work for distributors selling alcohol in downtown Fort Lauderdale. So I kind of like seamlessly went from drinking in college to now here I am drinking for a living. And that was another aspect that really cranked up the alcohol drinking, the drinking, yeah.

Yeah. And that's what you're doing for work then. So you're around it all day and meeting with people. Yeah, drinking. Yeah, drinking all week, drinking at the office, drinking after the office, drinking, you know, the weekends were actually the time to, to not drink. Because it was like, I drank all week. I need to, like, pick a break for a couple days. And late nights, very late nights.

And all different arenas, too. I mean, we could be at a strip club. We could be at a mom-and-pop pizzeria. Like, you didn't even know where you were going to be out, entertaining. you know you name it we were doing it yeah i'm thinking there too just how normalized it becomes of everything i remember towards the tail end of me drinking i mean it was like in my mind it didn't make any sense to go out and not drink and i'm i didn't necessarily take it all the way every time but it never crossed my mind i would go to a restaurant and see other people

maybe having dinner or something i'm like they're not drinking like what is going what is so weird. Like you go out, you drink, of course. I mean, they have the beautiful menu and all of the options. But in your situation there, just, yeah, and then it's like, okay, this is just what we do. Yeah. And I wanted everybody in that restaurant to have a drink on their table. That was my goal. Yeah. But it is. And I didn't, I didn't know anybody who didn't drink. So it was just became, it became everything. It became my social life, became my career. I met my husband in the business. And so it just became our whole world, really. Everything revolved around alcohol, everything.

Vacations, trips, work, all of it. Yeah. When you're going through it, though, hindsight's, you know, 20, 20. But when you're going through it, are you actually connecting the dots that, wow, you know, everything we're doing is drinking or not really? Not really because I think it was so glamorized that this was such a privilege to be in that, in that, in that world. And it didn't seem excessive. You know, at times it was like,

this is a lot. You know, this is a lot of drinking or like, especially the driving because we didn't have Uber at the time. So it was like, well, who's calling a taxi to go from there to there? You know, you're just going to drive. So those types of moments were like, hmm, but never, Never like a red flag. Never.

No. Yeah. And that's, yeah, I mean, it's so relatable, too. I look back at my story and say, man, like, well, you know, I mean, from the first time I drank, it was like, wow, red flag. I mean, I was like shot out of a cannon. Just how much I enjoyed it. Yeah. How much I was like, this is the greatest thing that's ever happened in my life.

Where have you been? Where have you been for the, you know, before? I just felt like I just like, wow, this checked all the boxes. I mean, everything kind of slid away that I was stressed about or insecure about or didn't have the answers about. And I get that sense of belonging, the big checkmark there because I was wild. So everybody is like, oh, man, this is the greatest thing. And I mean, that just reinforced acting more wild.

And then you mentioned too, you know, this is one of the things I talk with people about who might fall into sort of a gray area. or, you know, a different place on the spectrum, their life is not completely falling apart. But I do believe keeping alcohol increases our risk of things going disastrous, like so much, even though they might not every time. I noticed that I made really, really poor decisions and a lot poorer decisions when I was drinking than, you know, say, in my sober life, you know, I have never been arrested since I got sober. And when I was not sober, I couldn't seem to avoid that part of life.

and it's really interesting too. And you kind of mention, you know, with the driving and stuff, I would tell myself excuses all the time about why I couldn't do this or whatever. And, you know, I put myself in situations that how I made it out alive. I mean, kind of blows my mind. But, yeah. No, and yeah, and I don't mean to sugarcoat that at all that like, oh, nothing bad was happening. It's, it's, there were things that were happening.

Like I mentioned the driving. or, you know, a crazy night where maybe you said things, but it was always just brushed under the rug. Like, it was just, okay, it was just a night of drinking. Like, let's move on, you know. I mean, yeah, of course, shit happens when we're drinking. It's not picture perfect. You know, okay, maybe nothing happens nine times out of ten, but it's that one percent that that gets progressive too. Yeah.

So where do you go from here? You mentioned, do you met your husband, I believe? So in the business too? Yeah, in the business. And we, you know, we bought a beautiful home and we started a really good life together in that way. Beautiful vacations revolved around drinking, trips, fun. We had a lot of fun. We entertained a lot.

We, you know, met amazing people. It was a really, you know, it wasn't all bad. really wasn't yeah yeah and that's the interesting part too is that you know not everybody has their own sort of experience but i think for a lot of people that it wasn't all bad yeah you know at first right and then maybe you know further and further along in the stories i think that things do progressively get worse or you know have more of an impact on us too where do you go um with things from there so from there after we got married i got pregnant with my daughter, pretty early on, and I didn't drink through my pregnancy,

got pregnant a year later with my son, so my kids are back to back. And, you know, I stopped working in the business because that just wasn't conducive with me being pregnant and raising two really, you know, small kids. And it kind of like alcohol kind of went on the back burner. Because at the time, I really felt like I was a normal drinker, you know. Yes, it was a big part of our lives and a lot of things revolved around it, but like I could, I thought I could take it or leave it, even though I love to drink. But raising two kids, not a lot of sleep was happening. And it just wasn't, it just really wasn't anything that I did very often in those early years with my kids. And that was good. I mean, did I miss it? Probably, probably. I don't know. I think I was so just,

you know, when you're raising small kids, that's your priority. Yeah, that'll keep you pretty busy. You mentioned something there. You loved it when you drank. I mean, what about it did you love? Can you put a finger on that? Hmm. I love that I could really just shut down all the anxiety.

I started experiencing a lot of anxiety when my kids were little. I don't know if it was from, you know, just the hormones of having two kids back to back and the stress of having kids and my husband's traveling and, you know, all the responsibilities of being a new mom. So early on, that's probably the biggest thing that I enjoyed about drinking was that I could really just check out for a minute. It was how I relaxed. It was how I coped.

Yeah. And that was my little thing of fun because now we're missing that fun part because we feel like, you know, our lives are evolving on these kids. Like, where's our fun? And where was all the fun I was having in the last few years? Yeah. I feel like that kind of ties into something a lot of people talk about. It's sort of the mommy wine culture, too, of like, okay, you've done all this work, hard work.

You're right in there, you know, all day. And then at the end of the day, you just want to unplug. You just want to turn off. You just want to have some me time, maybe. Yeah, absolutely. That's exactly what happened. And that went on for a really long time. Yeah, in those moments, just wondering how to put this, but in those moments, why not something else?

Why not yoga? Why not a TV show? Why not this or why not a puzzle or why not reading? Why did alcohol make so much sense? I think it's the easiest thing for us to reach to. And that is what I was conditioned to do for everything. I wasn't raised, or maybe many people my age, weren't raised in a society where we talk about doing these other things instead of, you know, how do we cope with stress?

You know, I didn't grow up where people were saying, just go for a walk or you go for, you know, go whatever, go for a run, whatever it is. There was really no other coping mechanisms. And then even when our kids are little, you know, you'd hear people. People say, oh, you really need a drink. Oh, the kids were stressing you out. Time for a drink. So you just keep getting those messages.

And then it's easy. It's a cheap, quick way to check out. You know, those other things require work or things that I wasn't, I could, I didn't associate those things with relaxation or fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks for, for drawing back on. that too because I think too I mean we're going to go to the default we're either going to stay with what's comfortable even if it's not the most beneficial or the healthiest thing for us to do what's comfortable and what's easy and you're right I mean you go out and you spend $10 or $20 and get wine and then you're getting that message from the world of I mean you're doing a great job as a mom so it's of course you can have some you know wine at night or drink at night and And then that cycle continues and it just kind of goes on and it's not disastrous.

So, you know, initially and yeah, it helps with your anxiety. I mean, that's what people, one thing people talk a lot about on the podcast. It does what it says it's going to do. Until it doesn't. I mean, I think there's that point where sort of the scales flip until it's maybe relieving some anxiety temporarily. But then on the other side of things creates a whole storm of it. But not necessarily initially.

No, no. And when you start to realize that that's what's creating, making your anxiety so much worse, you don't want to see that. It's like, oh, no, no, no, that's not it. That's not it. It's the kids. It's the keeping up with the Joneses. It's, you know, trying to just, I guess, keep up in general. But yeah, you don't even want to acknowledge that it's not helping your anxiety. It's making it worse. Not an option. When did you first pick up on that? probably when my kids were maybe getting closer to middle school, I was in my late 30s. And that was really the time when I, the anxiety was getting worse because I was drinking more. And I think not only drinking to relieve the anxiety, but then also the comments from the kids, that was that was another turning point for me. they started making comments about me drinking, that was another red flag. That was a red flag. That was a big red flag for me. Yeah. And that was like middle, like them in middle school.

Yeah, they're in middle school. And now we're hanging out with other parents and now they're drinking. So I had gone from college to now drinking for a career and now it's evolving into, oh, this is something we do with other. parents. This is how we make friends. This is how we socialized. Oh, we have to join this club. Oh, let's join that club because that's what all the parents are doing. And then becomes the parents, hanging out with the kids. And then everybody's just, it's just, it's so normal to be doing that. And then when the kids started making comments about my drinking, because they would see me one way, you know, I'd have my shit together. I'm working out every day. I had started going to yoga because of the anxiety. So that was my fix for the anxiety was I'm going to start going to yoga. And so then we start

doing all these things. And then they're, they don't, they don't, they're seeing two versions of you. And then they don't feel safe. The, the respect starts to go out the window. And, and there's, there's not a lot of consistency. And I would say to them, like, I'm an adult. I'm going to do this. I take care of you guys all week. I deserve this. So now they're getting that message that I deserve this. This makes me happy. But then they're seeing you as somebody else. So it becomes so confusing for the kids to see us like that.

And that is that's that's another part of the progression of the addiction. Yeah. As to where they're mentioning it and they're seeing kind of. Yeah, things shift. Right. When you're drinking, you can my kids ask me to. They're younger, but we go places. and we don't drink at home, obviously, and then we go places and they're like, hey, everybody's kind of a little bit gitty or a little bit funny or, like, they do pick up on, even like at five and six years old, they do pick up on sort of the changes that happen for people.

Like they don't know everything that's going on, but they have an idea. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They, yeah. I mean, I don't think my kids liked me drinking ever. You know, I look back and I just, I don't think they ever liked me drinking. Yeah. What was your routine? Like you're, you know, on average drinking routine. Well, really wasn't a specific routine. But maybe on average, I would, you know, Monday mornings were always went off with a bang, you know, full, hardcore workout, sweat it out. And especially in the last few years, I would say, here we go again. Like, here I go again, sweating it out, knowing good and well that I was just going to start that whole cycle all over again

come Thursday evening when I started pouring a glass. And then Friday nights would come. And that was like, game on, let's go. And then Saturday. And that was kind of the way it went. I never was a daily drinker. I think there were certain times in my life and in my kids' lives where I was having like glasses here and there during the week. And then I would scale back. I'm like, Oh, no, I can't drink every day. That's a problem. Yeah. Anything but that.

Anything but that. Yeah. So, I mean, in some sense, you're able to kind of keep it in between the bumpers, you know, in some ways. But that can, I think for some people, that can also present itself as sort of like this false evidence that maybe I don't have a problem or maybe this is okay or everything is, you know, good here. Did anybody outside of your kids mention anything about drinking? No, nobody ever. I know my daughter would sometimes call my mom and my mom would say, what's going on?

And I'm like, she's being dramatic. Everything's fine. And I would sound fine on the phone, you know, like, okay, maybe I had a glass or two. But like, she's like, okay. And then, you know, or maybe my, you know, the kids would say something to my husband and my husband be like, just cut back a little bit or, you know, let's switch to beer for a little while, but never was there a red flag where somebody was like, you need to really stop drinking. Never did anybody say that to me. And it became, that becomes so

confusing because your kids are making comments. You know that you're feeling like shit all the time. My hangovers were so bad. And they saw that too. I mean, they'll bring that up now that they're older. They're like, you know, some of the kids, you know, they're in college and the kids will say, oh, Miss Devine, I thought of you the other day when I had a hangover. And I'm like, oh, she thanks. And then they'll say, oh, my mom's hangovers were really bad. So, like, I didn't even know that they could see that that I was hungover. But they could because I was groggy and overwhelmed and always snapping at them. Yeah. How do you take it too? Like when they share that, like, with you that, you know, they're picking up on the alcohol and it's having that effect.

I mean, how do you feel? I mean, do you think in that in those moments or that moment that, well, I've definitely got to quit here or is it more like I've got to just do a better job here, not letting anybody know? Yeah, yeah, that made it because I couldn't even imagine life without alcohol. I mean, how would that even work? Like, that wouldn't work. We would, how would we have a social life?

How would we? how would I connect with my husband on a Saturday night over a beautiful dinner? How would I? It just really wouldn't work. So I had to say, I'll just manage it. I'll cut back. Maybe I won't drink around them as much. So it was just that constant state of always trying to manage it, always trying to make sure that it worked in the picture somehow, even if I had to cut back for a little bit.

Because quitting just to me wasn't even an option. Yeah. That's so interesting you bring that up to because I kind of posed this roundabout question on Instagram recently about when in our life did we come to believe that for ourselves to wear life without alcohol is meaningless or what's the point or the fun is over or even worse things than that. Because we're not born that way. I don't think so anyway. I don't think we're born thinking, oh my gosh, a life without alcohol. Like what the heck is going to be the whole point of that? How do we buy into that narrative or how does it happen? happen. I think for most people it's gradually. And I pulled some stats from movies. And I was, I was curious about movies because everybody, well, I think everybody watches movies or has. And I'm wondering about the ones where you see the beer, there's beer involved, there's alcohol. And I had saw this one about Skyfall was a 007. And Heineken paid $45 million for one scene to have the martini glass switched out with a Heineken bottle.

So when I further did the research, you know, kind of what I found in, I think there was 72% of PG movies that referenced alcohol. There was 46% of G movies that showed alcohol in a positive light. And it just really made me think. Like, we've been shown this thousands, thousands of times before we ever get to that spot until we've seen it everywhere, where people we look up to or whatever it is. It's like, man, this is the cool, glamorous thing to do. So a life without it, like, wow, that's not possible. No, no. And I love to drink.

I mean, I really, I did love my drinking without a doubt. Yeah. But it's interesting, the side effects, I guess, if we could call it that. You know, the flip side of it is like, I think if there's a lot of other things in life that we were experiencing a lot of anxiety from or having the hangovers or all of the effects. I think we would say, okay, you know, if I went to one restaurant and then that was the impact on my life, I'd say, okay, well, I'm probably not going to go back to that restaurant. But alcohol gets its grips in us, you know, like it's claws, right, where it's hard to really picture or envision a life without it. No, yeah, it's so true. Yeah. And even for me, like, it's funny. I was thinking about this last night. I've never really even talked about this before. But I remember, like, when things start. to change, like from when I went to like, this is fun. The kids don't know what they're talking about. We're just going to disregard that and keep doing what I want to do because, you know, we get, we're

selfish. And I remember at one point thinking maybe, and I'm kind of jumping ahead a little bit here, but maybe if I change my job, like, because I was working from home, maybe if I start working at a place where I have to get up early in the morning, I won't drink the night before. Or maybe if my blood work comes back not okay, then I'll have to stop drinking. It was like I was constantly looking for an excuse to not drink. You know, instead, and yes, I was also looking for the excuse to drink, but like also there was that aspect of like maybe I'll have a health problem and then I'll have to stop. Like I just kept looking for a reason because nothing was falling apart. Like, everybody was good. Everybody's surviving. Everybody's, nobody's missing.

a soccer practice here. I am homeroom mom. I am showing up and doing all the things. Nothing's falling apart. So it was like looking for a reason all the time to like stop doing this because what had happened really for me was the insanity of it all, like doing it over and over. And as my kids got a little older and now I'm getting closer to 40, the managing of my drinking became so exhausting. of when was I going to drink next? Was I going to drink too much? How much was I going to drink? Did I have the time to recover the next day?

How long was I going to be in recovery mode? Typically, it was going to be three days. And it became so exhausting. And, you know, it goes on for so long being stuck in that, I call it the miserable middle place of, you know, nothing bad is happening, but, you know, this isn't great either because of that, that black and white idea that it had to be either a complete shit show or, or you're moderating and you're fine. So that's kind of where I had gotten to. And that went on.

I didn't really start becoming curious about quitting until I was about 40. And that went on for about four years. I thought about it. And I didn't know anybody who was sober. nobody. I mean, I had that family member, but he wasn't, to me, somebody I could even call or relate to because his was, it was black and white for him. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, that messy middle. Is that what you said? Miserable. Miserable middle. Yeah. And I think that's like the spot where you know something is up, but you haven't maybe yet made the decision of, okay, I'm going to quit.

One thing you said there really stood out to me too a little bit further back, how you're showing up. Nobody's missing soccer practice and you're really getting after it. I always wonder there too, is that sort of a conscious or subconscious effort for us going through this that we don't really want anything to fall through the cracks? Because then maybe it's say, well, why did that happen or how is this happening? So it's maybe almost a defense in a sense to keep all of the pieces of the puzzle. together, have everything look like it's really going well on the outside. Like, don't anybody take any deeper. Because I think if you start missing stuff or things start, then there's going to be questions, right? I mean, anything there or no? Yeah, no, that is a great, that's a great

point. I think that we do overcompensate. And because of the regular drinking, I think our cortisol is so high. And our nervous system, which we don't know at the time, is so dysregul. that we're a mess. So it feels like we're actually doing something, but we're just really doing a lot of nothing because our, you know, because of the cortisol and our, you know, nervous system is all out of whack.

Yeah. And that's a good point too, because being late to things or missing things will boost that stress and anxiety right through the roof. Like there's just a lack of, I think you mentioned it earlier too, like a lack of coping skills. And then you're looking for sort of this outside force.

Like maybe this will kind of come down the line. It'll be health problems or blood work comes back or it'll be the job. I think it's very common. I mean, a lot of people too say once I have kids, you know, then I'll obviously turn the page or if I move here, then it'll be a fresh start or if I get a new girlfriend or boyfriend or husband or whatever it is, then it's like, oh, it'll all make sense. What's so interesting to me about that and just with years of experience is that

there's a huge difference between knowledge and execution of something. You can know all you need to know about what we need to do, but then there's this gap in between about how do we actually apply that to our life and learn the coping strategies or different perspectives. So it makes kind of sense, and I think we believe it when we're going through it. Like if X happened, we'll,

obviously, I'm going to change my ways. But if we don't know how to do that, we don't have the skills, the coping, the support. the community, the connection, the information. I mean, we can want to do all that we want to do,

but we're not going to be able to do it without some of those important elements of what else are we going to do? I hear moms bring this up a lot, right? They get home, long day at work, start making dinner, pour the glass of wine. What else are you going to do during that time? Because you can read as many books as you want, but what are you going to do different? Yeah. Well, I now know the possibilities are endless when you're not drinking. That's the truth. I know. You so true about the gap. I was just talking with a client about this yesterday, that gap of like who we are and who, who is the more aligned version of us.

And it was like, I knew at the end the anxiety was being caused by the alcohol. I knew that I had an extra 10, 20 pounds on me because of the alcohol. But it was like, how do we get there? How do people, do people stop doing this? Like, do people just stop this craziness? And how did they do that? So going, so I mean, you got this four years you shared there of this kind of curious phase of things, maybe still trying to keep it together, seeing what you can kind of figure out. I'm only guessing here too, you probably had many mornings where you woke up and you're like, I'm not drinking again. Thousands. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, a lot of feeling awful. I mean, I just, the headaches, the nausea, the anxiety was, I mean, so crippling at times, I wouldn't even get out of bed because it was just, it was bad.

The chemical anxiety. So at this point, now I'm really just, at this point, I'm exhausted. And now I'm 44. And actually, I have to back up a little bit. when I was 40, I had the TV on in the living room. And I was going back and forth between my office and the front door. And I never had the TV on ever. And for some reason, the Today Show was on and they had three women on the panel. And I think the host was Megan Kelly at the time. And she said, we're talking to three women today who are all moms and who have quit drinking. And I was like, what? I never heard anybody speak like that. Like it was like, wait, wait, what? So I sat down and listened to these three women and talked about how they were moms and that they were drinking too much and it was just taking a toll on them and that they had stopped drinking.

And that was the first time in my life I had heard anybody speak like that or that they were, you know, in that same place that I was. And that's really what flipped on the light switch for me was in that moment. That's what kind of really started the whole sober curious phase. So at this point, at 40, so, and then at one point, I had even stopped drinking for a year before COVID, just not drinking because, you know, I hadn't started to notice that it was not serving me anymore. And, but I didn't have any tools. I didn't have a community. I was just not drinking and looking at the two people on Instagram who were influencers. So now there's hundreds. And so, yeah, so. Yeah. So. Yeah. So. Yeah. So. Yeah. So. So. Yeah. So. So. And so. So. So. So. And so. So. So. So. So. And so. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So And at 44, I wasn't really even at the time drinking as often because I noticed that my drinking was becoming more like I was blacking out now when I drank. You know, maybe I would drink once a week, once every two weeks.

I was blacking out. Now the kids are older. And I'm starting to really recognize, too, that my time with my kids' home is getting more precious. I don't have a lot of time with these kids home. Do I really want to spend the next year and a half hungover? 30% of the time. Is that how I want to be? I didn't I don't want to be like that. I don't want to show up like that. I don't want to show up half ass. And it wasn't until one night I went overboard, just went to lunch with a girlfriend. And when I, I woke up the next day with a raging hangover and it was my daughter who was like, I'm done. I'm done with you. You, I can't take these two different people. You know, when I go away to college, you'll only speak to me when you have to. And I knew, that moment, that was it. I was done. And I had been inching that way for, you know, the last four

years. And it was just that final nudge that I just needed came from her. And, and that's, that was my day one, November 2nd, 2020. Wow. Congratulations. Thank you. What, what made it different? I mean, in that situation, because, you know, they had mentioned things to you before. Was it sort of the buildup? Was it sort of learning a little bit more and sort of experimenting and feeling better and, you know, maybe just time? I mean, some people say it takes what it takes, you know, maybe pain in a sense of an emotional level. Yeah. Yeah, no, I think at that point, all the realizations had just come crumbling on top of me.

and I was so stripped of myself. I was so disconnected from me and not feeling like I was so out of alignment with who I knew. I was doing one thing and saying another. And I was just, it was all, I was just exhausted at that point. And I knew that it was time. And, you know, there had been a couple incidences leading up to that, too, that. weren't terrible, but they weren't great either. And yeah, I mean, I think just by the grace of God or a power beyond that I can understand

that I just, I got out of it. I cried on the couch for two days. And then I knew that when I was done crying, I was going to pull up my bootstraps and get help. Yeah. Did you let anybody know, like on that first day or whenever it was? Yeah, I mean, I had been, yeah, it was actually my mom's birthday. And so she had come over to go out.

lunch, you know, and I'm like, we're not going anywhere. I'm sorry. And, and, you know, my husband was there. And, and I said, I don't know, what do I need to do? Do I need to go to treatment? Do I need to go to meet? Like, what do? What do people do? And my husband's like, well, why do you start? Let's start with a meeting and see how that goes. And I'm like, okay. So I waited a couple days. I had to get all that anxiety. I was riddled with anxiety. And I found myself a women's meeting. And the second I walked in there, I knew I was in the right place. You know, I had avoided and I was so scared of meetings because I thought they were just going to be, I thought they were going to be really scary. And there was going to be everybody there was, you know, living under a bridge or sleeping on a park bench.

And when I walked in there and saw how much peace these women had and how great they looked, I mean, they looked great. I knew. I wanted, I wanted what they had. And that was it. And I, you know, when I started speaking to some of the women, I said, I'm done. You don't have to convince me of anything. Whatever you tell me, I will do because I want this so badly that I'll just, I'll do whatever you tell me. And that's what I did. Yeah.

And to get to that spot, though, you kind of have to go through some things, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I wasn't quitting because, you know, it was bad for my health or because I wanted to lose weight. It needed to be a consequence. And I'm, I'm grateful for that. That every consequence led me to where I am today. Yeah. Was anybody surprised with you? I think everybody was surprised. At you quitting or that this, that you were hiding this so well,

that this was actually affecting you a lot more than maybe people knew on the inside. Like, they could see you were hung over. They could see sort of that. but an emotional level, anxiety, nervous system. Yeah, I was definitely hiding how much anxiety I was living with. Maybe my husband would hear me and my daughter, but my daughter was surprised. She didn't think I'd ever quit because she had heard me say it a thousand times. I'm going to quit.

I'm going to quit. Leave me alone. And she's still to this day. I never thought you were going to do that. So, and then a lot of people were surprised like my brother. My brother and I are very close. He lives down the street for me. I party with my brother more than.

most people I was partying with. And even to this day, it's like, I never, ever thought you had a problem with alcohol. And it's like, you don't have to have this problem for the alcohol to not be a problem. You know, it was affecting my mental health so much. And those are the things people can't really see. Yeah. I mean, and it sounds like relationships too, you know, in many areas of things were impacted. Yeah.

I mean, and that's sort of, you know, I think the spot where a lot of people find themselves, especially in today's world is like looking for this external sort of rock bottom, which is subjective to everybody's experience. And, you know, the ultimate truth, I think, is looking within, right? Like, is this bringing joy and happiness to our life? I mean, alcohol sells itself as the ultimate connector, right? Bring people together. I think, you know, Dr. Oz even said, you know, recently, right?

I mean, you go have a couple drinks and connect with people that's so valuable. I saw it as the ultimate disconnect. I mean, a lot of people, they might start out at the parties in the bars and in college. And then the end of the stories are quite similar, right? In the garage or on the couch. Yeah. Drinking by themselves and the connection piece is long gone. Yeah, I was, I mean, it had destroyed my soul.

It was a soul disease without a doubt. You know, whether I drank too much or too little, it didn't even matter the amount that I was, drinking. It was it was it was internal. I was so spiritually stripped by the time I was done that I didn't even know who I was and you know who you are on the outside and but but to know who you are in the inside I wasn't living with purpose and integrity. I had no intention. I was just going through the motions thinking we had this great life and we do. We had this great life. But but internally, No, I was not, I was in a spiritual malady for sure. Yeah.

How do you begin to find out who you are? Because I feel like that's a big barrier or something that we fear going into this is, okay, great. But now who the heck am I? What do I like to do on the weekends or being a morning person or the people I like to hang out with? Because sometimes that changes too. If everybody I'm hanging out with is drinking Friday. and Saturday night, like, I'm probably not going to be doing that all the time. How do you go about finding out, you know, who Paula is?

You start doing the work. You start working on yourself and making this a priority. This was my number one because I was, you know, I was lost at that point. So this had to come first. And once you put this first, things start to fall. into place when, like I said, like it's your priority and you start to work a program. I got therapy. I went to these meetings. And then I created my own group. I reached out to women in my community because not only did I need the accountability, but I also felt like there had to be other people

out there that felt the way I felt. I couldn't be the only one who felt like this. And so I started reaching out to other women in the community. And I formed, I formed my own. women's group and it got pretty big and um i can get into that in a minute but yeah that was really that was the start this is a priority i'm lost who the hell am i i'm getting to work and be willing to show up and like you mentioned earlier you know take suggestions or what works for other people and be willing to to do stuff any big challenges sort of in your first you know year that you really had to work through? I think everything is a challenge in your first year, you know, just trying to learn who you are, because you've spent the last 30 years doing this one thing. So it's a lot of discovery.

It's scary, but it's also really beautiful. I learned a lot of things about myself that I didn't know how to do. And it's, it's empowering to learn all these new things about. yourself. So the first year is really hard. It's just about, you know, discovering things you like to do. And then I remember at my one year anniversary, somebody said, congratulations on one year. Now the real work begins. And I was like, what? What have I been doing this last year? And she wasn't kidding. It was like around 15 months that all of a sudden I was like, oh, oh, oh, okay. Like now I'm starting to see, you know, it's, you start to. You start to. to go a little deeper.

And that's when you start to get a little bit more spiritual. You start helping others and you start to grow. And it becomes so much deeper than, you know, just not drinking. Yeah. And I feel like that's such an important point to hit home too. Because you had mentioned the other time you had the year, I believe it was where you simply just weren't drinking. But like that can be miserable.

that can be really miserable without sort of making the other progress or doing some work or connecting with like-minded people. And so after 15 months now it's okay, let's go a little bit deeper, you know, maybe answering the bigger questions about why were we leaning into drinking, what was going on, how can we work on healing, maybe looking in the rearview mirror a little bit about how, you know, for some people they share too, like they thought everything was kind of perfect in a lot of areas of their life, but maybe looking at it a little bit deeper, realized that there was, there was some struggles for them that maybe they had forgotten about or overlooked.

Yeah, absolutely. So how much has your life changed since doing this? Wow. It's crazy. It's like, part of me is like, everything changed, but nothing changed, you know, nothing externally changed other than, you know, I lost weight and inflammation went down. but Brad at the same time, everything changed. Everything, my relationships changed.

There's so much deeper. I'm so much more connected to the people that I love. I have more empathy. I have less judgment. I have so much more energy, clarity, presence. My overall presence is nothing like it was. I was there. I was always there, you know, with the kids.

But now I'm like fully there. I embrace every second. It's like life has become so much more precious when you are living with intention. And my relationships are deeper. And I'm just, I'm at peace. I have peace. I can't say I had peace before. Yeah.

I actually wrote that down piece. I was like, is that going to make the list? Because you had mentioned it earlier that that's what you were interested in when you went to that first meeting, like if I could just have that, everybody appeared to have this peace in their life and something you were really after. It's wild, though, I think to me anyway, when you look at all these things you gained, I mean, how could just one thing or one behavior, or one addiction or drinking alcohol take all of this away or however we shape it up, eliminate all of this from our life and then we quit, here's what you get. And I think some

people who are starting out, they do believe they're giving something up. And I think it's everything but that. I mean, this is all the stuff that you're gaining or have potential to gain. And the coolest thing about all of this is it's not unique to you and I. Like these gifts or this progress in life or this healing is not just something that Brad and Paula get to experience or two or three other people. Like, it's available to everybody and anybody that wants to do a little bit of work. Absolutely. I mean, you know. never have to feel like this ever again. Never. And that's what I told myself too in the beginning. I was like, Paul, you never, ever have to feel like this ever again. But yeah, it's true.

It's a gift. And it's so scary because you think your life's over and you're never going to have fun again and you're never going to, oh my God, I'm never going to be able to drink again. Like somebody said the other day to me, they're like, so what's wrong with that? I'm like, oh, I never thought about it. Like, what's wrong with never drinking ever again? But, you know, at the time, you know, obviously our fears are so big. And the fear of like, what will people think? Are people going to think that like I was really like, I mean, looking back, it's like I could, no, I don't care. I don't care. Nothing. The amount of peace that I feel and how happy I am in my sobriety and who I am

is a person far outweighs any drink. That drink to me does not look. sexy or romantic or fun anymore. I see now the truth behind all of that. And that's a big shift that takes place. I think for people is you wonder how you're going to carry on. And you do carry on. So many people have come before us and we'll come after us. And they carry on and you find another way.

And there's more, life becomes more meaningful in so many areas. And I love that you really hit home on the relationship aspect of things because I thought I had these. good connections and these good relationships and like, hey, maybe they looked that way, but the depth was not there as it is, you know, since I got sober and really connected with people on that level. Paula, if anybody's listening to this episode here and there considering, you know, getting sober, maybe they just need a little support and staying on the journey. What would you mention to them? To get curious and don't wait for something to happen because

that will keep you stuck in that miserable middle place for so much longer than you need to be. And there's so much beauty in this life. Our life is so short. And just knowing that this journey of sobriety is so beautiful. And it's progressive too. It takes time. But the longer you stay with it and you will find these little joys and there's so much hope for you. You're not alone.

Yeah, beautiful. Thank you so much. I love that as a way to wrap it up. Yeah, people out there are definitely not alone. Definitely not alone at all. Thank you, Paul so much for jumping on here and sharing your story with this. Anything you want to mention for closing? And yeah, so if anyone wants to contact me, I'm on Instagram, Happiest underscore Hour AF. And you can DM me there. I have a website, Happiest Houraf.com. If you want to to book a call. But yeah, I am continuing to give back and help others. Yeah, beautiful. Well, I'll link your stuff in the show notes for the episode. And yeah, thanks again. Thank you so much for having me. I love your podcast. Well, there it is another incredible episode here on the podcast. It's so interesting to me with all of these conversations over the years and connecting with so many people. I think people that don't experience a business, big the whole bottom falls out type of quote unquote rock bottom because that's subjective anyway

to each individual person that they find things might be harder or more difficult to get sober and then those people who do hit a big rock bottom and bottom out feel like that is a really difficult place to come back from i don't think anyone is easier or harder to come back from or to get sober from, I think what it all comes down to is, are we going to be willing to do something different? When things get uncomfortable, when things are good, it's easy to do things that are uncomfortable or do things different. But when those difficult moments come,

are we going to choose to operate differently, lean on the supports that we have in our life, or are we just going to continue the madness, do everything alone and see where we get? Only you can decide that. Thanks again for checking out the Subur Motivation podcast. Let me know your thoughts. If you can relate to Paula's story in any way down in the comments below,

and don't forget to subscribe to the show wherever you listen. Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and I'll see you on the next one. Thank you again, as always, for listening to the show. Don't forget to leave your thoughts down in the comments below if you're listening on Spotify. And please, follow the show. It helps out so much. Let the platforms know. that this is an incredible show

and more people should know that it exists. See you on the next one.