Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Ryan started as the party guy and then alcohol took over his entire life.

Episode Date: August 29, 2024

In this episode of the Sober Motivation Podcast, my buddy Ryan joins us to share his sobriety journey. Ryan reflects on his childhood in a tight-knit community, his introduction to alcohol in high school, and how his father's coping mechanisms influenced his own. He describes the progressive nature of his alcohol dependency, the strain it put on his relationships, and his eventual realization of needing change in 2020. After multiple attempts to quit, trying a few different pathways Ryan was tired of the life he was leading and realized his drinking did not only affect him it affected everyone around him.  Something had to change but how would Ryan go from a life of drinking to a life without? This is Ryan's story on the Sober Motivation podcast. --------------- Join the Sober Motivation Community here: https://sobermotivation.mn.co Ryan's Instagram Page: https://www.instagram.com/weber.m.ryan/   00:00 Introduction to Season Three 00:14 Meet Ryan: A Journey Begins 00:43 Ryan's Early Life and College Days 01:25 The Role of Alcohol in Ryan's Life 02:39 Marriage and Moving Away 03:29 Struggles with Alcohol and Family Dynamics 04:47 Realizations and Early Signs of Alcohol Dependence 06:25 The Turning Point: Marriage and Parenthood 08:25 Hiding the Problem and Seeking Help 10:27 The Role of Community and Support 25:48 Fishing Trip Revelations 26:31 Struggles with Sobriety 27:00 A Turning Point 28:22 The Road to Recovery 30:07 Reflections and Realizations 35:32 Finding Community 47:34 The Power of Connection 52:19 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

Welcome back to season three of the Subur Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. Hey, how's it going, everyone? Welcome back to another episode. Brad here. If you haven't heard yet, huge announcement, the Sober Motivation Community officially launches

September 1st, and I want to welcome all of you. We are having 100 founding member spot. to join the community, lock in the lowest rate that's ever going to be offered. This is going to be incredible support, community, virtual meetings, hangouts, all kinds of stuff inside of our own exclusive app, chat feed, you know, meet some people. And we have 90 spots filled. So we have 10 more spots for founding members. And I would love to have you join.

We kick off our virtual launch party this Sunday, September 1st at 1 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. It's going to be a little meet and greet. We're going to have some fun with it, get to know each other. So if you are serious about changing your relationship with alcohol or you're already on the journey, but I feel like you could benefit from some connection from some other people that are doing this as well. I'll drop the link to get signed up down in the show notes below or just send me a message over on Instagram and I'll get that over to you. Come and join us. Comes with a free two-week trial.

Try it out. Join some of the meetings. And I'll see you on the inside. In this episode of the podcast, my buddy Ryan joins us to share his sobriety journey. Ryan reflects on his childhood of a tight-knit community, his introduction to alcohol in high school, and picking up on his father's coping mechanisms influenced maybe some of his own choices. He describes the progressive nature of alcohol dependency, the strains that put on his relationship and his eventual realization of needing to change starting in 2020.

after multiple attempts to quit, trying a few different pathways, Ryan was tired of the life he was leading and realized his drinking did not only affect him, but it affected everyone else around him. Something had to change, but how would Ryan go from a life of drinking to a life without? This is Ryan's story on the Sober Motivation podcast. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast.

Today we've got my buddy Ryan with us. Ryan, how are you? Doing great, Brad. I'm doing great. Yeah. I'm so glad that you decided to jump on here and share your story with all of us. Yeah, you've been twisting my arm for a while. I think it's going to be good just to get some of that out and get my story out there

and a little bit of a healing process of myself too. So it's appreciate you having me. Of course, man. So what was it like for you growing up? So I had a really good childhood. I grew up in the Pacific Northwest, Washington State, lived in a very, In the area, I had like 21 kids in my graduating class in high school. It was a really close community, lots of support, was very active in athletics. I mean, a key group of guys. So I had a

good friends, my parents, awesome parents, family members. I had all my aunts and uncles all around they're close by. So if we never needed anything, always had somebody around. Went to college real close to where I grew up as well. It was about 20, 30 miles down the road. kept a lot of the same friends. Of course, I met some new people too. And it was there. I started getting into a little bit of alcohol. I wouldn't say that it was a problem in the early days. Definitely could go weekends or weeks without having to drink. But being in the college scene and everything, it was party time. It was a party school anyways. So started getting a little bit more visibility to the alcohol. And I was always kind of awkward growing up. You know, I had friends

girls and stuff. I guess I was clueless around, but I started drinking some alcohol, had a little bit more courage and just got the ball rolling. But yeah, after college, my plan all growing up was to stay home and farm and got into college a little bit and started going down a different path. And I ended up moving away about eight hours away. And I was really the first one in the family to move more than two hours away from where I grew up. And when I said family. I mean, all my aunts, uncles, cousins, all that stuff. So from there, it was out on my own, and that's when alcohol started playing a bigger and bigger role. Didn't have a lot of friends, sit at home and drink at night. I wouldn't say it was a problem that early, but my

tendency is to rely on alcohol definitely was starting to increase. So from there, got married, and we started moving around quite a bit, finding new friends, new careers every couple of years. and all that kind of stuff just started to escalate pretty quickly once the kids came around. Yeah. So going back a little bit, though, you're growing up in those early years, right, that small community, your family around too. And that sounds amazing, right? A lot of support right there close to home.

I mean, was there anything that you look back on that you struggled with, like with school or, I mean, you did mention there, you're a little bit awkward. I mean, I can relate to that. I was more than a little bit awkward. That was really awkward. Anything in that high school days type thing? Yeah, that's so much. Well, one thing that I wouldn't say it was a struggle,

but it was difficult at times was relationship with my dad. I saw from a fairly early age that his way of coping with things was to drink. You know, he had great had great respect for him now. But I think from an early age, I felt like the only way for me to relieve stress was just to open up the bottle. And communication in our family has historically hasn't been great. We all keep things to ourselves. We don't want to burden anybody with what we're thinking and we just go with the flow. And I think he was going through some stuff with the family operation.

And I saw him dealing with that stress rather than open. it up to his family members, his son, I was the oldest, so there was a ton of responsibility put on myself. But dealing with some of that stress was to hide it and get into the alcohol a little bit. So he's been doing great, great, like I said, great father. We have a really good relationship now, but it was definitely probably one of the things that I saw him's coping skills and I picked up on it. Yeah. Interesting there. And then you mentioned too you went to college and that's when the drinking started for you. Hey, I mean, it's a pretty common trend here on the show for when we go to college and that supervision is gone. And then if we're already struggling with being

awkward, hey, drinking, I remember on one of the previous podcasts, had Dave on there. And Dave was like, I felt like I was better looking and I felt like I was getting long and I was funnier. I mean, none of this we know if it's exactly true. But I think that was one of the things that I gravitated towards alcohol with is because I was able to like forget, forget, about some of those insecurities that I was struggling with of being it, you know, of always wondering what people are thinking or not being good enough or just coming up a dollar short here and a dollar short there in these social situations. And I felt like alcohol, all that other stuff didn't matter. If I could drink the most, I was accepted. Yeah. Yeah, no, I did get into

alcohol a little bit in high school, right? Going to a lot of times, the parents would actually purchase it for us, right? They felt like if you could drink around them, they could super revise you and keep you in line and stuff. But yeah, the drinking in college to fit in, I mean, it's, I hate to say it, but for a lot of people, it's kind of right of passage. And that's the way I triggered it too. Again, at that time, alcohol wasn't a huge issue, but it opened that door and set that standard to how to deal with things was to just keep drinking more and more. And as I got on later into my life, communication with my family members, my wife, my kids, all that was put on the shelf because I'd always just go to the model. And it was

not good. Yeah. So you move eight hours away from home too. You mentioned after college. Was that for a job or what kind of set you on that track? Yeah, no, I got a job with a potato processing company. He so moved to the great state of Idaho for a while. And I was really by myself at that point. My fiancee, my wife now, she moved down there with me for a period of time. But she had gotten a job with somebody else. And so I think after a month or two, she actually moved out, moved to the Midwest where we're at now. And I was there by myself. And I remember even back then, there was times where I'd come home. I was working shift work at the time. And sometimes the shift work was variable. Most of the time I was on days. So I had the afternoons and evenings to myself.

Sometimes they all knew that I didn't have anybody in town. So a lot of times I would help cover swing shift, graveyard shift. But it just turned into alcohol was my only friend at that point. And I started relying on it just too much. Yeah. How old were you at this point? Like this is a little bit after college. So yeah, so it was Friday. Yeah, 20, 25. I have 26. I took the long way through college, a couple extra years. But yeah, I was married at 26, and that was a little bit of a turning point. Things got better for a while, too. Once the wife and I moved back together, we actually got married. We both flew in for the weekend, spent a couple days there at the wedding and flew our separate ways for another couple months. But once I moved out with her full time, I mean, at least I had somebody

around I couldn't communicate with. I was staying busy too with the new job that I had at Iowa. So I didn't really have a lot of time through drinking. And that's one of the things I've learned over time, right? If you keep your mind busy and keep active doing stuff, you just don't have that alcohol is not the outlet anymore. Yeah. Oh, so much truth to that. So as you're going through this time like 26, have you had any thoughts up to this point of like I might be relying on this or leaning on alcohol a little bit too much or anything like that or is it just going with the flow? I was going with the flow. Of course, growing up here of alcoholics and the picture that everybody paints of living under the bridge, you know, with a bottle.

I knew I was probably drinking more than I should. Would I have called myself an alcoholic? No. And it wasn't up until 2020 until I probably started really realizing how big of a problem it was. and know that I was not like most drinkers. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's so true. I think for a lot of time,

and we've had a lot of conversations over the past 11 months or so. And I mean, that's always the thing, right? A lot of people share a story of like if I'm going to work, if I'm doing what I need to do, then I can't possibly have a problem, right? My bills are paid. My relationships, like maybe they could be better, but they're not terrible.

The bottom's not falling out. I'm going to work. I'm doing extra shit. like my goodness right like I'm just blowing off steam like I've worked hard and I've earned this at the end of the day right you can hear that story sometimes as well and it's interesting right how it plays out and it's progressive for a lot of people a lot of people share you started in college wasn't a problem and then now around 26 and in moving forward right it becomes more of a thing in life right more of something you lean on you get used to yeah it's uh for me it really it's not

up on me, right? Like, I probably concerned myself to be a fairly heavy draker, but to say that at the end, going out and buying a pint of vodka every day and having it done before noon, that way, I was sober enough for when the wife got at home so she wouldn't know what happened. I would have never saw myself doing that in the early days. It just kept, my lows just kept getting lower and lower and lower. And to this day, I don't know exactly what clicked, but so grateful that I've been on this journey now for 11 straight months. Yeah, which is incredible. It's truly incredible. So backing up a little bit, though, I mean, let's work through how you ended up getting there, right? Because there's a lot of people that are going to fall. You know, I mean, you look at it like a

spectrum, right? So on one end, you have people that are drinking to where it was for you in the end. And then in the other side of the spectrum, you have maybe people who are just getting started, right? And I think one of the coolest things about this whole sobriety thing is you can get off of this elevator in a sense at any time. You don't necessarily have to wait for it. But what were some early signs that you noticed? Like if somebody was in that area where you were at 26, I mean, they're evaluating things and looking at things. I mean, what were some things that when you look back stood out to you that maybe this was a downhill slope in a sense? When did you first pick up on, I drink a little bit differently than maybe people around me

or I drink for different reasons or I rely on it? For me, I think it was a mixture of, mixture of items, right? Like, going back to my memory here, even unopened or beers or whatever after a party, I would never, ever leave any type of outfall on the table when I was done, right? I could not stop the sneaking around, hiding and drinking, even from early stage, right? Parents came to visit. I would always kind of hide an extra ball or two just so I could get through their visit or whatever we were doing.

Just those type of behaviors started catching up with me, right? And at one point, you think you're just chasing the buzz and then you end up having to do it all the time just to get through the day. and those are some of the early signs. I would always like going to parties and stuff. I was always, of course I was pre-funken too, right, drinking before we got there, but always wanted to be the life of the party, have a good time with everybody else. And it just, for me, I guess it did take a couple years,

but it just got to a point where that was the only thing that I lived for was alcohol. Yeah, I mean, go through, as you go through this, right, and things start to pick up. up and then you have kids, what does that look like? Because I know some people share like, when I get married, right, I'm going to cut back, I'm going to slow down, I'm going to figure it out. When I have kids, some people are like, that's going to be the thing, right? I think that's a common thing if we're, if we have any behaviors, whether it be struggling with alcohol or anything in our life, or just like, once I have kids, I'm going to settle down. That's going to be my switch, right? That just all of a sudden turns on. And then we hear time and time again, that's not always the

case, right? And maybe rarely the case that it just like flips like that because of something external. I mean, what does that look like? That sort of stage of your life, right? Becoming a father in all of that, right? Yeah. I mean, I think everybody sets goals for themselves, like even during my act of addiction, right? It was, I'm not going to drink this weekend. And we're going to go on this cruise and when I get back from their cruise, I'm going to stay sober for a while. And I, I set tons of goals like that. I've probably achieved maybe 1% of those goals. It just, it kept progressively getting worse and worse. And I think about like when my son was born. And I think one of your previous guests also said this too. And I definitely related to it. But my son was born.

We were living in Louisiana at the time. And was at the hospital with the wife overnight. and the second morning happened. Everybody was doing good. I wanted to go home and take a quick shower. I went home and probably had two or three glasses of probably whiskey at the time is what I was drinking and then went back to the hotel. And there was those type of behaviors

that never set right with me, but I did not have the power to stop doing those type of behaviors by myself. It was something that I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn't be doing it. I should be there at the hospital with the wife. But I seriously, I cannot control up myself.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, what you said there, I think, was so important. It's because at a certain point, we know what, you know, how we were raised and we know what right from wrong, right? And you're going against that internal intuition in a sense, right? Or maybe that gut feeling. of I don't feel good about this. But I'm also at this crossroads of what in the heck do I do

about it? Because I ended up there so many times. And I share maybe a different story of coming up. My mom was a single mom, had my brother and I twins at 16. She was a nurse. And we lived in Canada. And when I was six, we moved to Texas. And she did the best she could. She did a really great job. But it's tough, right? She was nursing, new, working overnight shifts and was around as much as she could be, but also had two kids to do. I mean, I couldn't even imagine it. I mean, my wife and I, like, we're, I mean, we're trying to figure it out every day, right? So for her to do that, what a challenge that must have been.

And I never grew up really around drinking. I mean, my folks, I could never recall them ever being drunk or noticed anything like that. And it's so interesting, right, how you mention a lot in your story, too, how it progresses, right? You get introduced to it. One of the most dangerous things I think about alcohol that a lot of us don't realize when we first start. It's like it works so well to cover stuff up. And then we all hit that point. I think when we get sober,

a few things happen. It stops working the way it once did. And instead of relieving pain or relieving stress, it creates so much in our life. And I think towards the end, too, a lot of us get tired of our own bullshit in a way. Like, I know I got to be doing better. I know I have more to give this world than where,

I am, man. So I can relate with those situations and there were situations too where there's a lot of shame around that about sort of the choices we make. And it's so interesting, man, once I removed alcohol from my life. And you can probably relate to this, man. It's like 99% of the problems and all the stuff that I had going on when I look back. It was like, it was either because I was drinking or somebody else was drinking. And once you remove that, it's just a lot smooth to override. So as you go, Is your son the oldest? No, I have two kids. Daughter, she's 13 and my son's 11.

So eighth grade, excuse me, in sixth grade. But, no, I definitely relate to just being fed up with your own shit, right? Like, I got to the point where if I invested half the energy of hiding drinking from my wife, my kids, my family members, I knew I had a really good chance about getting sober. I mean, hiding bottles, forgetting where you hit the bottles at. Like, I was complicating things so, so much, but I still couldn't own up to the, I didn't feel like I could ever talk to anybody about it. I didn't want people to feel disappointed with me and still struggle trying to communicate at times. but at least now I have a fighting chance we can sit down with the wife or other family members

and have in-depth conversation. I can tell them how I feel and a lot of times they can help. And even if helping is just encouragement. But yeah, like seriously, I wasted so much energy just trying to hide it. And I guess that's my hope for other people and being active in some of these communities that we're a part of is you are not. alone and up until 11 months ago, even when my wife knew I had a problem, I still felt like I was alone. I was part of some other members, too, and never really connected with them.

But yeah, I've already been on at least one meeting here today. It's just reassuring because we're all on the same journey together. Nobody's perfect. We're just trying to make the day a little better than the day before. Slow and steady growth. Yeah. And that's such an incredible point there, right, that I think is difficult for us to, a place for us to get to, right?

Is, and I think it's a big part of the shame, right? How did I end up here? Look at, for me, speaking for me, how did I end up here? I had every opportunity to do well in life. I always provided every opportunity. I mean, my parents did everything they could. They had me in all the sports.

I mean, they paid for me to go to college. over and over again. I mean, they paid for me to go to rehab when I was 17 for a year. I mean, they paid for lawyers. They bailed me out of jail. They kept a roof over my head. They never turned their back on me until the end. They did everything they could. And I was in that same position as you. Like, how can I possibly talk to people about what I'm struggling with when I've had every opportunity? I mean, I was seen doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, ever since I could remember learning centers. They tried everything to help me get to a spot, I think, where I could believe in myself to like do better. And how could I tell them, even though they noticed it,

how could I come clean to them and talk with them and other people who loved me about where I'd been, right? Because I was just given all those opportunities, man, to do well time and time again. and I just got stuck in that shame spiral. I think something you're sharing about, right? Like, how could I do it? And then also I think what bounces around in our head is like, well, nobody's going to understand or people are just going to say, pull up your socks and get back at it. Or what's wrong with you?

And if I had those answers, maybe I wouldn't be where I was, but I was completely stuck and isolated in the fact that I was the only person dealing with this. But I think, like, what you mentioned there too is like just putting it out there and finding other people that are going through the same thing that share similar stories can make all the difference. So, I mean, you mentioned there too, which I'm interested by, you're hiding all this stuff, right? And it seems like even going back in your story, this is a thing.

I mean, so was somebody mentioning to you like, hey, I mean, maybe there's something here, maybe you have a problem. What's going on that's encouraged you to or got you in that behavior of hiding everything? Well, I mean, as hard as I tried, I could not keep it all hidden for my wife. So there was times here and there where she'd find an empty bottle or body passed out in the couch or stuff like that. So my wife, and she's a huge supporter of me, the amount of crap that I put her through when she's still around. She's definitely an angel. But yeah, I think she was probably the main one that was starting to call me out in some of the bullshit.

and she should have. She probably should have done it a little bit. She did what she did. But I think there's a little bit of alcoholism in her family. So she kind of knew what it looked like and knew that it had to run its course. Because even with her constantly on my back in our marriage or relationship, just going downhill, I still did not want to give up the bottle, right? I had to come to that decision.

on my own with her definitely encouraging along the way. And that's something that you hear in AA and these other groups that it's up to the individual how low they want to go before they are tired of their own ship. So another thing that really slowed me down with not finding or not addressing my alcoholism sooner was my pride. I have always been very self-sufficient. If something needs to get done, I will do it myself. And I didn't feel like my drinking was anybody else's problem.

So why am I going to trouble somebody else with my issues? So my pride still gets in my waist from time to time. It's progress, not perfection, right? But it all, it just for me, I definitely had the ability to end my story or start my sober life a lot sooner than what I did. But I think it's important that I learned the way I did because somebody forcing something down your throat, forcing you to change. The likelihood that you're actually going to have long-term change is not likely.

You've got to find that power. You've got to find that motivation from within a lot of times. Yeah. Well, great point there, too, with the pride kind of getting in the way, ego getting in the way. And that's one of the, man, that's got to be the hardest thing. Working with people and seeing people go through this process, right there what you mentioned is that in your story especially, and on mine too, I can relate with that, is it's got to take its course. It's got to take its course.

You've got to get to that point in a sense. Some people do anyway. Some people don't. But you got to get to that point to where this is just not making sense anymore. The consequences in everything internally is just piling up. And it's becoming harder and harder to manage, almost to like an unmanageable state. And there's so much stuff that's just catching up with us. We can only put it off for so long.

I remember my early days getting my first credit card and spending that and then not realizing yet to pay the bill on the other end. And just avoiding it and avoiding it. And that behavior crept into other areas of my life as well of just like avoiding stuff and not dealing with stuff. and just pushing it down and not talking about feelings. And especially like you mentioned earlier too, about not really being taught how to share your feelings

or talk about things that are going on and feeling comfortable doing it in learning that stuff, then it's just continued until being an adult type deal. So how do things look? I mean, you mentioned there earlier, like 2020 was maybe when you first started to really look at things. Yeah, and I forget the exact, all the details. But yeah, 2020 with the pandemic and stuff going on too, it wasn't a help.

I was now at home all the time. So I could start my day drinking as early as I wanted to. My wife, she has a little bit of a side gig where most of the mornings that she's gone. And it would allow me to run to the store quick and grab a bottle. $4 is what I needed for most days. But yeah, it got to be. Canada's a regular occurrence. That summer, too, I went on a fishing trip with a buddy up to Canada. And I remember everybody drinks pretty heavy at this fishing camp. I go to probably most fishing camps, I guess. But it was late one night. I think we were down to our last 12 beers, something like that. And it was my intention to stay up all night to make sure that stuff was gone before we got in the boats and headed home the next morning.

And definitely came home. I didn't hide that I drank from my wife during that trip. And she really started to push pretty hard about trying to go to some type of support meetings. So shortly after that, I started going to AA for a while. Had several months sober, that was probably the fall of 2020. I think I was sober September through the start of 2021. one. And then I just started diving back to my old ways, right? Complacency got me. Oh, I have this beast's control that I can go back out. I can try it again to lead me right back down the same path.

And I stopped going to meeting, stop being involved. I just thought I was cured. Wave your magic wand and I'm better. So yeah, from the next year or two, I drank off and on hiding it, maybe stopping for a month, a couple weeks at least. I will say that it all came to a head, September. of 23, had a baseball tournament with my son about an hour away from where we live now. The wife wasn't going along, so I had a bottle hidden in the trunk. I think throughout that tournament, I took sips off and on, not enough to really notice, or I don't think anybody could notice that I was actively drinking. But that night, we came back and we were also, that was youth year season for us here in Iowa. And I was going to take my son up.

hunting, tried to get his first deer and went up there. We were camping in tents. I think I stopped along the way and got another bottle because I'd ran out. Next morning we woke up. Of course, I was all groggy, feeling that crap, drank the rest of that bottle and packed up camp. Didn't chew anything. Of course, I passed out at least once or twice along the way. On the way home, I stopped for another bottle. And shortly after getting home, the wife had to go to town for something and I sat down on the couch and I fell asleep and she came home and all the time. I mean, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it wasn't until she came home and she called me out on what I did that some of my actions really didn't sit in with me. And the next morning

is when I started down this last round at 11 months. And I think I joined the Silver Buddy and it Megan's was my first meeting. And I remember you guys have a way of calling people out. Megan called me out. The rest is history. But yeah, it was those behaviors driving with my son in the car, drunk, passing out for his first hunting trip. That's not the way any dad wants to remember first hunting trip with a son hunting, fishing, whatever you're into, backpacking. And so I think at that point, I was just so disappointed myself that I had missed out on some of those special moments that I knew this time had to be different. And I mean, it took six seven months of being sober for me to be able to start putting my life back together to help rebuild

or repair the relationship with my wife to gain trust again because, I mean, we've been together now for about 20 years. She didn't have any trust left. And I don't blame her. If I was in her shoes, I probably would not have stuck around as long as she did. But I was so disappointed in myself that I knew I had to do something different this time to make this thing permanent and never pick up a bottle again. And I don't like saying never, right? It is definitely something that could go back at it tomorrow. It's not my intention to. But I know for a fact that I cannot moderate, I cannot pick up a bottle again, or else I have a chance to lose everything that I just work so hard to get back. Yeah. Yeah, thanks for sharing that, man. That's great.

your first one with Megan and she called on you, Ryan. It's so powerful, man, as you share that story because you're definitely not alone with those situations, right? And it's so weird how it happens. Like, I never planned on my last drink to be my last drink. I know some people do. They're like, my 30th birthday. That's going to be my last one. And they rock with it. And it's great. But I never planned on my last one to be my last one. When the way drinking went for me was 92% of the time, Things were all right. Like, I didn't get in any trouble or I always drank too much. Like, I always felt like garbage in the morning.

That was a guarantee. I shared a lot of those same tendencies you talked about. I never left anything behind people that did leave stuff behind. It was really weird. I like to isolate because I wanted to drink the way. I wanted to drink. I didn't want people watching. I didn't want to.

I always cringed going to a buddy's house, right? Like a buddy of mine that didn't have a problem because he was in control, the beer fridge. So we'd be having a beer and I would just be, I would be so irritated. And I'm like, dude, I'm thinking of my own hand. I'm like, dude, can you just hurry up? Like, less chatter. Let's just get to drinking, like less talking here. But I always felt weird and uncomfortable, right? Because, you know, I had some manners left, I guess. I didn't want to just help myself to, to everything. But it was more, in the beginning for me, I started drinking at parties and in college and that lifestyle. And then at the end, it was just me.

That sort of phase was over. It was just me. I didn't want anybody holding me back. I didn't want anybody mentioning anything about the way I was. But I'm just picturing here, too, like how heavy that must have been for you. It's like all this stuff collides. And just what I picked up earlier in your story, too, is you just didn't see how your drinking was affecting anybody else. And it seems like at this point in your life, that all kind of collided.

and maybe there was like some clarity and like, my drinking is affecting literally everybody around me in one way or another, whether we can see it at the time or not. And then you make that choice. And what's it like though? I'm interested when your wife mentions this to you, right? Because you have this pride stuff you're struggling with and you have this other stuff in a sense, right?

So like, what's it like when she comes and she's like, Ryan, you know, really got to give this a shot. Is that kind of how it goes? No, no. It was a lot more intense than that, as it should have been. I mean, I've had years to try to fix this on my own. And you hit on it exactly. I always thought that my drinking was my problem, right?

It didn't affect anybody else around me. And that was so far from the truth. I know I affected her in so many different ways. the trust, putting herself or putting kids at risk by riding with me when I got open containers in the car. I think that was another thing that really sank in about me wanting to turn the page and wanting me to get better. I have always enjoyed people putting responsibility on me to get stuff done. Right. And then when she couldn't count on me anymore, I mean, I don't know. That, that, it was those type of behaviors that just started eat at me so much that I knew that I had to change.

Like simple stuff, right? Remember to take the garbage down to the end of the road, right? Like when I couldn't remember to do some of that stuff because I was under the influence, it was those type of behaviors that I knew I needed to do something different on, but you're right. It's an ego thing because when you're in the act of addiction, At least I didn't see it affecting other people around me. I really didn't. And I know that was so far from the truth now.

Yeah, it's interesting there. And all the stuff weighs on you. And I think, too, maybe you can relate to this or not. But everything you've learned up until this point was maybe necessary in one way or another. I don't think any of us go out and we're just like, yeah, I mean, the world just bring on the pain and I'm ready for it. And I want to live like this, right? But I think when I look back at my story, every time I had a relapse, every time I had a slip, every time things didn't work out the way I wanted them to work out, I was constantly faced with

a reflection. And I had to beat through that idea of moderation because when I first got sober, I was so frustrated with people who could drink normally. I'm like, what is? Come on, guys, what the heck? Just almost praying in a sense, like just flip the switch. Why can't I do this? people around me are doing this right and I wanted that to be my story when it's wild man looking back that I wanted that to be my story and then now years later it's like man I'm so glad that wasn't because sobriety has provided me with like literally so many opportunities in life that would have never materialized into anything because I just couldn't I couldn't have been the person for the opportunities and when I was drinking I would always beat myself up to say oh nothing good

ever comes my way or I always get fired from this job and things don't always work out. And the reality was, I wasn't ready for things to work. And I wasn't in that spot. Can you jump on? How did you end up hearing about the sober buddy meetings? Was it through the podcast? It might have been. Yeah. It's been long enough now. So one thing that I got from the conversation or the argument that I had with my wife the last day I drank was I had to do something different. I had gone down the AA route. it didn't work for me at the time. I know now that probably was, or I know that was my issue and not the community's issue. I just was not ready for it. But I started thinking about different ways that I could get a sober life to work for me. And I never thought about in the past. Podcasts have been

around, I don't know how long, but I ended up going on to, I don't know, for a Spotify or iTunes or whatever. But yeah, found your podcast. I listened to probably every episode that you had at the time. And during one of those episodes, I think it was about the sober buddy community. And that's when I joined. So, but yeah, it's been crazy. One thing that I did forget to talk about was, and it's just crazy how your mind works. But I guess it would have been July of 23, I spent about four or five days in the hospital because I had infection in my leg. It's called cellulitis. And I was drinking beforehand. And the second I got out of the hospital, I was drinking again. But it was pretty scary there for a couple of days. Of course, I didn't

divulge to the doctors how much I was drinking. I thought it was just something that I brushed up against and around our house and maybe had an infection on it got into my leg. But throughout all my drinking. Like, I've had very little serious repercussions for my actions, right? I wasn't in trouble with the law. I definitely was in trouble with my wife. Health was, for the most part, other than that one one infection in my leg cellulitis, health was decent. So, I mean, I never thought that I had a big enough problem because I was still functioning the way I should have functioned, right? Work was good, high performing at work. And finally, that one week. weekend is what turned my page. But yeah, this sober motivation group that we're a part of it,

it's truly saved my life. My relationship with the wife is so much better now. We were sitting down after the kids that went to bed and able to have a long, lengthy discussion about some of the stuff that she's dealing with. And I tell you what, when I was drinking, none of the conversations revolved around her. It was all me having a pity party. How come I'm getting this promotion or didn't get this job? Oh, woe is me. And to be able to sit. with myself and my thoughts and emotions and process them on my own is so much better than hiding up masking it with whatever beverage choice is for me it was vodka at the end but yeah things things have definitely changed which is good I'm looking forward to it I fix the really repairing

the relationship with my wife being able to stay home with the kids this summer and feel they will see them grow up and be emotionally available for them all the time it just part of me is sad because I know I missed out on a ton, but I'm very thankful too because I've had some of that opportunity to give back to them and be able to focus on them. Yeah, that's beautiful. Did they know any of this part of your story, your journey? I'm sure they know a little bit. I mean, they know dad doesn't drink. I'm sure they remember me taking poles from a vodka bottle. I always try to hide it as best I can, but I know for a fact I probably didn't hide it that well. So yeah, We will definitely have the conversation when they're a little bit older to let them know how deep and how dark it got for me.

They don't know the gist of it, all of it here quite yet, though. But I know I owe it to them. Just, again, they got to learn their life. They got to live their life. I will be 100% supportive whatever comes their way. But just like me, I think sometimes you got to learn some of this stuff out on your own. And it's hard. I can only imagine how my wife.

wife was, my parents were to see me, like, throwing my life away like I was, right? But they all knew that it was something that I had to learn on my own. I wish it didn't take quite as long as I did, but at the same time, I'm thankful I realized it when I did. Yeah. I think that, like you mentioned there too, like there is that sadness for missing maybe some of those opportunities, but we can't go backwards. And I think you have a great understanding of that about moving forward and in what the impact and the difference that you can make from here by staying on this, this journey of things. A short story of when we first met to, right? I mean, Ryan's got one of the most beautiful smiles. You guys probably won't see it here on the podcast. But I remember when you first

joined the community and stuff and you were going through it, right? You were going through it, all the stuff that's thrown at us early on in recovery. But just to see the progress you've made, I mean, has just been night and day, man, and I mean, just from virtually here in a sense, but for how you've opened up and how you give back and help others and support the new people and reach out to people and help people is just incredible. And it just shows your commitment to not only your own sobriety, but to help support others not to have to continue because you have a really good understanding and lots of experience about where this ends up.

And I've always admired that about you, that you help the next person because I think that's a really important part of this whole thing, right, is to find your community, but also reach back into the fire and help out the people that are new, right? Let them know that all of this is possible, right? That you can do this and you can chip away at the block and create a better life. I mean, what changes have you noticed? Because you mentioned a lot of stuff, right? These relationships in your life are more fruitful. You're more present. You're more. engaged, you're realizing the benefits there. What changes have you realized, say, internally, right, within yourself over these last 11 months? I always found myself to be a very positive type of person, right? Seed off positive energy. I know that when I was first starting out, and I think it feeds into what you were saying about my smile and stuff. At the beginning, when I started down this path, I was hurting on the inside. I was, was hurting because I disappointed others. I was hurting for relationships that I've lost, bridges that I've burned, how I treated my wife and kids. But as time goes on, and some of those

things are starting to come back together again, I think it's really internally, like, I don't dwell in the negative anymore, even though that I thought I was positive. I wasn't. Lennon helping hand to somebody that is going through crap, I was there. I know I was there. And if I can do anything or say one thing to make them feel a little bit better about themselves, I don't know, that type of stuff is contagious. I had a couple of people early on, Mighty Joe was one of them, right? I reached out to him and he was positive. He was encouraging. And a lot of that is for myself too, right?

It helps keep things fresh and it helps me motivated hearing people's stories about how low they've gone or some of the struggles they've been through. helps me to remember how bad it was for me. I can help out any person, whether they're trying to go down a sober lifestyle or helping somebody on the side of the road. My kids constantly tease me when I go to the grocery store, right? Well, did you know that person? It's like, no, I didn't know them. Well, you were so friendly to him. I was like, well, I mean, we should be able to joke around and have fun with people around us. And if I do something like that to somebody that's having a bad day and it turns their day around. I mean, that's what we all should be doing.

I know it's not that easy, and people are going through some stuff too. But, you know, I feel myself like I'm living such a fuller life right now than I have ever in the past with alcohol. Like, I don't know why. I don't know why I would go back. But yeah, that's probably the major change internal. Just being present for conversations.

I still forget some stuff with the wife tells me. But I'm present for 90% of those conversations now. I remember where I put stuff. Like, a lot of times it's the small things that help keep us motivated, right? I can't tell you the number of times. I forgot where I hid in my vodka bottle. And just to have the clarity, the focus, the drive to do something has been probably the biggest change internally.

I'm motivated, confident, not perfect by any means. but I know that I'm providing myself or giving my wife and kids the most perfect rendition of myself that I possibly can currently. Yeah, that's powerful. Yeah, I'm with you on that too for getting some things the wife says. Yeah, I'm with you on that. And that's beautiful. I mean, that's that internal work that we constantly do, right, to build that confidence,

to build back that self-esteem to show up a little bit differently in the world. And one of the things I look at in my own story, I went from selfish to selfish. I was very selfish. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, I mean, it's wild looking back. I can see it clear as day, but at the time,

I thought I was like a pretty giving person. And I just wasn't. It's like that hard truth that we have to come to with ourselves and be honest with ourselves. I think that plays a big role in all this. And on that day, when it collided for you, I think there was just some honesty there that, hey, this is really leaking out into my entire life.

It's not just contained. It's affecting every, buddy. And that part of being selfless now is you go into the world looking at what can I give back to the world. How can I help out in the world? And that's a really important part for me, for this podcast, like this part-time gig here with podcasting. And I love hearing people's stories and seeing when they make changes and when it's helpful for somebody like, you know what I mean? It's a really good feeling to be able to give instead of take all the time for me. And it sounds like for you as well. And that's one of the, it's like when we're drinking, we've got blinders up.

It's just how can I fulfill my needs today? How can I just do what I need to do? And maybe even at a subconscious level. Like, I didn't realize I was doing that, but I wouldn't do anything for anybody unless I was going to get a return that was either the same or probably greater. And it's just really, it was just a really sad way to live, to always expect something in return. and now it's like I'm able to just do stuff every day and like I'm not looking for anything back from people and it's just such a freeing way to live. Like I don't need anything back

and it sounds like you're on to that too. Heading towards wrapping up here, Ryan, unless you had a few thoughts on that. Well, I guess what I was going to say is like I found myself a lot of times, right, trying to cash in on the good things that I did when I was drinking, right? Like, oh, I bought you flat,

for my wife, right? Oh, I bought you flowers. Maybe that will give me a few more good graces to give me through the week to stay on our good side, right? And you think about the stuff that I miss with the kids, how I would trade, maybe going out and getting an ice cream with them, right, for four or five bucks for a bottle of vodka. I did that stuff so often that doesn't make you proud to admit it, that's for sure. But this addiction thing, man, You said it great with as far as putting blinders on. And boy, I had some big blinders on for a long time. Yeah.

So heading towards wrapping up, man. If somebody out there is listening to this episode, they can relate with part of your story, part of your journey, which there's going to be a lot of people who can. I mean, what would you mention to somebody that's in that spot? Maybe in the early days, maybe thinking about I should quit.

What would you mention to them? for me, one of the biggest things to help out was the feeling of not being alone anymore. And it took me a couple different communities to try out before I found the right home. But you seriously are not alone. People go through the same type of struggles worse or not as bad as mine, right? Like the shame and guilt that you might have because of your past actions should not hinder you for thinking that you deserve a better life. Right. Like it's, I didn't feel like I was worthy of having a good life just because of some of the actions I did because nobody else is bad as me. But being not feeling alone was one thing that I would definitely encourage others to, to reach out to somebody, lots of different communities. You could get a hold of. Brad's podcast was a huge helper for me too, just to hear some of the stories, right? And how that there is hope for everybody.

So that's probably the biggest thing is just making sure that you don't feel alone. Yeah, get plugged in. And we talk about that a lot. And I mean, we're getting started here. Segway into that. I mean, September 1st, we're having our launch party for the brand new sober motivation community. And Ryan's been a huge help and a huge support for that, which I appreciate massively. And I think that's what it's about is you got to get connected, man, because if you don't get connected to something,

and we hear it all the time. Connection is the opposite of addiction. If you don't get connected to something, I always reflect back when I got a couple of weeks sober or whatever. See, getting sober was never my problem. Staying sober was my problem. I would run out of money here or there. I would be in jail here or there,

and I could sober up and not even really think about it. But staying sober was my big challenge. And back then, too, I found that community changed everything, right? You got to be surrounded by people that are going to pick you up, love you where you're at, support you where you're at and try to help you out when to meet you where you are with stuff, right? Because what happened, man, time and time again, and maybe you can relate to this. I would say, I'm not drinking when I would get, I'd go to one meeting or I'd go to church or

whatever it was. And then later that night, I'd get a little bit scratchy, man, my mouth with water. And it was me against me. At the end, it was me against me. And I would lose every time. I could talk myself into drinking any day of the week. It was not very hard to do. no matter what happened, the consequences, because I would tell myself the simplest thing. Oh, Brad, man, just for the night, buddy. What's the worst that could happen? Just for the night? And then little do I know that just for the night carries on for tomorrow night and just for the next night.

And here we are again, right? Back hooked up in the cycle of, and then we start beating ourselves up, right? Oh, man, you know, you said just for the night, well, you can't figure this out. What are you going to do and go through it all again? So long story short there to say that getting connected with people, whatever it be, with us or out in your community or fellowship or church or something, I think is one of the best anecdotes to all of this. Because we hear stories similar to ours and that unlocks. And when we share things that we feel shame about, we cut the power in half. I really find that to be true that when we talk about these things and we share these things,

You know what? We don't feel good about it. It's not what we wanted to do necessarily. But it's the reality of how we were living. And when we share it out there and other people say, you know what, Ryan, I can relate with you. Brad, I can relate with you. For me, this little light bulb goes off. Like, you know what? I am worthy and I can make a change. And I'm not the only one that made these poor decisions. Other people did too and look at how they're living. And I connected early on in my sobriety journey with this guy named Andy. And I was still wrapped up in it, but Andy, Andy had everything I wanted, man, businessman, family, great attitude, lots of gratitude. And here I was like this, I was just in rough shape. But Andy welcomed me into his life and

showed me. And I didn't get sober when I knew Andy, but it showed me that like, hey, you can you can burn your life down and you can build it back up into a really beautiful thing. Any closing thoughts before we sign off? Again, I appreciate you having me on the podcast, Brad. And the sober motivation community has been a huge part of my recovery. And yeah, just know that whoever's listened to this, that you are not alone, right? We can get through this together. being active and staying engaged is what's critical for my success or my slow recovery and

take an active role in your recovery right like you need to get out and meet people you need to share your story you need to start somewhat of the healing process for things start to feel better yeah all right well thank you so much Ryan no problem well there it is everyone Ryan's story here on the podcast let me tell you it's one thing to change your own life, you know, of course that's incredible. It's a whole other thing to be witnessed to somebody else changing their life. I've gotten to know Ryan pretty good over the last 11 months that he's been hanging around and joining meetings and making these changes and he's just coming more and more alive every single day. I couldn't be more proud of him.

So thank you guys for listening. If you were able to connect with any part of Ryan's story or just want to give him a virtual high five or thank you. I'll drop his Instagram channel down on the show notes below. And I hope to see a few of you guys in the suburb motivation community. I'll drop that link down on the show notes below as well. Hope to see you over there. Come and join our virtual launch party September 1st. Like I mentioned in the beginning of the episode, we're looking for 10 more founding members. And I hope you'll be one of them. All right, guys, until next time.