Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Ryann Cooke is a young black women and shares how she broke free from alcohol

Episode Date: January 18, 2023

Ryann Cooke started drinking and smoking pot in high school to ease the emotional discomfort she was experiencing.  Little did she know that would be  just the beginning of her journey with alcohol. Ryann was blacking due to her drinking and her depression was getting worse and worse. Ryann is a young black women that got sick and tired of the vicious alcohol hamster wheel.  Ryann had to go through some of the struggles alcohol was causing in her life until 1 day the madness came to an end.Ryann became ready to make some changes.  She is very thankful for her life today but it was not always that way. This is Ryann’s story on the sober motivation podcast. Follow Ryann on Instagram Follow Sober Motivation on Instagram Download the SoberBuddy App      

Welcome back to season two of the Subur Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. Ryan Cook started drinking and smoking pot at high school to ease the emotional discomfort she was experiencing. Little did she know that would be just the beginning of her journey with alcohol. Ryan was blacking out due to her drinking and her depression was getting, worse and worse. Ryan is a young black woman that got sick and tired of the vicious alcohol

hamster wheel. Ryan had to go through some of the struggles alcohol was causing in her life until one day the madness came to an end. Ryan became ready to make some changes. She is very thankful for her life today and it was not always that way. This is Ryan's story on the Subur Motivation podcast. Connection and community is key when it comes to recovery. That's why we have 10 live groups inside of the Sober Buddy app every week. Catch me Monday, Wednesday, and Friday inside of the app hosting the support groups. Download the Sober Buddy app today at your favorite app store or check out your soberbuddy.com for more information.

I hope to see you on one of the groups soon. Getting help for addiction is never an easy thing to do. And picking the right place to get help makes it even more overwhelming. That's why I've decided to partner with the United Recovery Project. I've had a chance to get to know some of the incredible people working. working at the United Recovery Project over the years. And that is why this partnership makes so much sense. The United Recovery Project has a top-notch treatment facility and program.

I truly believe in Brian Elzate, who is the co-founder and CEO and has 14 years clean. The properties themselves are beautiful with tons of amenities and activities. But most importantly, it's the level of care they offer. It's exactly what you would hope a family would receive in the staff who most of which are in recovery themselves truly care. care. It's really apparent that they do their absolute best to create custom treatment plans to meet everyone's individual needs. If your loved one is struggling, reach out to them directly at 833-551-0077 or check them out on the web at URPRecovery.com. Now let's get to the show.

Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got Ryan Cook all the way from Oklahoma with us. How are you doing today? I'm doing good. Thank you. How are you? I'm well. I'm well. And thank you for taking time out of your day to do this. Thank you for asking me to be here. Of course. So usually where we start off is what was it like for you growing up? I grew up in D.C. I had a great childhood. Everyone was, we all knew each other in my neighborhood and it was like a village and I spent a lot of time outside. I didn't like being indoors on the computer and playing games. I loved to be on my bike and roller skate and stuff like that. I went to high school and that's where I first got introduced to weed. I remember my parents were, you know, everything was great

as a child, but my parents started to really, they just had a really bad relationship. And it wasn't like it was violent or anything, but they just, they just had a lot going on. And so me and my sister weren't really the main focus. And so that it kind of gave me the opportunity to kind of just slip under the cracks. So in high school, when I first got introduced to weed, I was like, oh, this is great. This is a great feeling. And then I was around 14 or 15 at the time. and my friends, we just wanted to drink. And we would go to the liquor store and they would allow us to buy it. And we would like drink after school.

We would drink during school, like during class, during lunch break. We would leave the campus and come back and drink. And so, yeah, that's kind of how it all started growing up. My, I would go to parties. They would be drinking there. We would all, like all my peers, we were drink. And I don't think my parents really knew what was going on, but I know that I would skip school a lot. And my grades were just like all Fs for like every semester. But no one really spoke to me and asked me like, hey, what's going on with you? And so that's, I think that's kind of how it all started. I'm with you on that, too. The high school grades for me. me where if I got above an F, everybody was surprised. Yeah.

What was it doing for you early on? Was there something that something that was providing for you? It was an escape. It was, I was able to, one, not be at home with my parents when they were dealing with their stuff. I had love outside of my home. Like I was with my friends and we would drink together. So that was like that community and we all kind of had things going on in our lives.

And it was to me at that time fun. Like it was escaping from my home. It was being with my friends, having fun, getting drunk, making a fool out of ourselves. And it felt good to just not think about what's going to happen when I get home or like how things are going to be or how people will speak to me. It was an escape. Yeah, you hear that a lot too with when I first started, especially in high school. It's a very tense time. It can be a very stressful time.

I know it was for me because I never was able to do well in the classroom. I always felt like an outsider. Like everybody else would celebrate their grades, their scores, their achievements. And I just felt like I didn't have any to really celebrate. And I noticed my peers were connecting on that level. like with how well they were doing or how well they were studying and I never studied ever and I never did well because of it. And I felt like, yeah, the outside stuff, the other things would help me connect with other people. So I think that's so important to put out there.

It's like that's a big part of why we start this stuff because it works. It helps fill a void in our life that we're looking for. Yeah, for sure. It was, I agree with that. Like my friends that weren't doing the drinking and smoking, they were all celebrating their AP classes and, you know, the schools that they were applying to and just all of that stuff, the sports they were involved in. And I wasn't involved in any of that.

And for me, the best thing was, you know, telling my friend I got five on it was smoke weed before school. And that was like the best thing for me. So, yeah, I agree with that. Yeah. How did things progress for you? What was after after high school like? Well, after high school, I moved out of my parents' house and I was in therapy, but my therapist didn't really see she didn't, I didn't show her that I had. I didn't know I had a drinking problem. I didn't realize that was a thing. So after high school, I moved out of my parents' house. I got an apartment with a roommate. decided like I wanted to be a nurse and enrolled myself in a community college. I was working at that time at a hospital and I was still drinking and there would be times where I would drink and I would black out and it just kind of got worse. Like I remember kind of like having to go to the hospital

too during that time when I was like when I turned about 2021 and I still kept drinking after that. Like when I hit legal age, that's when I was like, yeah, I can finally do it, but I was already doing it for maybe five years at that time. So it just kind of progressively got worse. But I just thought it was normal because I'm like, well, we're all doing it. We're all getting drunk and blacking out and having hangovers and I would miss out on work. And I wasn't and still not doing well in school. Like I didn't understand why. And my life felt kind of lonely because I was out on my own. My parents and I really didn't have a good relationship. I wasn't really close with my siblings. And so drinking was the way to just feel better, come home

after work and 12-hour shifts and I would just drink. And I felt so lonely. Like I felt alone. And I remember just kind of having suicidal thoughts too, like just not wanting to be here anymore. because I didn't want to be by myself, but that was like the only way. And so, yeah, during that, like, you know, my early 20s, it just kind of just got worse. I didn't know that I needed to stop. Yeah, it's interesting that you say that.

We feel like everyone else is doing it. I always think of the reference. If you buy a white Honda Civic, you all of a sudden see white Honda Civics everywhere. Right. And I feel like when we're wrapped up in it, then that's how we feel everybody's doing it until we kind of back up. You'll probably, we'll get into it a little bit further in this. But once you back up and you can kind of look from a different perspective, then we really start to see like, no, maybe everybody's not doing this because we're just looking for something different.

So I'm glad you brought that up because I can relate to that too. I felt like everybody around me was doing it. So it was really hard for me to come to the conclusion that, wow, this is really dangerous because I saw, you know, even people I looked up to who were consumed in this. What happened that you ended up at the hospital? It was New Year's Eve, actually. And I remember getting all dressed up and pretty.

And my friends were having like a hotel party. That's what we used to do. we said have run out these hotels and have big parties and smoke weed and drink. Like, we always did that. And I remember, like, maybe like a couple of minutes of the night. And then the next thing, you know, I was waking up and really just didn't know where I was. I knew where I was, but just, you know, I remember I was supposed to go home and I had to work that next day. and that didn't happen, but I know I was supposed to go home early because I was going to go to work and open for the job I was working at.

But when I woke up, I just, there was nothing there. I mean, like, I was there with a friend and still in this hotel room. No one else was there. And this was a thing I always had to do. I had to call my dad multiple times to come help to help me after these nights out drinking. and he thought it would be a good idea for me to go to the hospital because I was just so disoriented. And it was just a really bad. I think it was like maybe 21 too or he had just turned 21.

So it was just not, it wasn't a good. It wasn't, I didn't look good. It was really bad. But I think something else that I think about that night is that, I mean, that morning when my dad came to pick me up and took me to the hospital, we had to call the police and they took me to the hospital, but he never really said anything after. But I still continued to drink, but sometimes I look back on it and I don't want to dwell or anything, but I do wonder, or maybe I could ask

or talk to him about it, but he never really said anything. Like, do you have a problem? What's going on with you? It was sort of like we just pushed it under the rug after that. Like he took me to the hospital, took me back home, and that was that we never spoke about it after that. Yeah, that's interesting too. Maybe that's the part of it just being normalized, 21, partying. Yeah, I mean, that's probably just further in that type thing about that's what, you know, people do. And yeah, it's hard. It's really hard. Like, looking back, too, there was

definitely opportunity for intervention and my story as well. And yeah, maybe it was just looked out like this is just a bump in the road, just a one-time thing. And little do people know it's more frequent or became more frequent than we would have liked. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. So how did things go after that? So you're 21, 22, rent in the hotels. I see on the news all the time, these Airbnbs, I imagine that's what they're doing in the Airbnb's and tearing these places, the pieces. Yes. Yeah. After that, I just, I really enjoyed when I turned 21, 22, it was like, yeah, I'm finally grown. Like, I've grown and sexy. I'm going to go out with my friends and have cocktails and I get to do happy hour and we get to go to restaurants and get, you know,

do fine dining and buy bottles of wine. Like, you know, so I was, I felt grown and sexy when I turn 21 and 22 and finally being able to just sit at a restaurant in D.C. outdoors, you know, just drinking. But, you know, I always knew that my drinking was just out of control. Like I would have those cute days, but then I would have days where the drinking would just be so bad. And I wouldn't remember my whole night. And I'd wake up the next day. I remember like waking up like like somebody had like shook me like I was just like dazed and confused. And that just continued for years. Like go out with friends. Go and go home. Barely remember how I got home and just continue to have that repeating cycle. And because my friends were doing it, like I never really saw it as a

problem. And I had been through therapy for years. I was so depressed, didn't understand. why I was so depressed. You know, I knew I had a lot of family issues and I knew I had like trauma and stuff, but I just couldn't understand why I was just so depressed, even though I was going to therapy, even though I had like a job and I had my own place to live and I had friends and people loved me. I just always still felt really, you know, just down and out. And I didn't realize that I was like using drinking as a way to just escape from all the things I, you know, even though I went to therapy, there were some things I just never talked about, didn't want to talk about, didn't know I needed to talk about. I was just focused on like, oh, this happened at work or

whatever. And they, you know, they also never really asked about drinking. So I just didn't think it was something that needed to be discussed. Deep down inside, I wish that someone like, saw me too, like could see what was actually happening or like me at home like crying and drinking and just saying, okay, well, it'll be fine. I'll just figure it out tomorrow. And that just became a pattern for years until I turned 25. Yeah. And what happened when you turned 25? Like the pandemic started. It's like 2019-ish. And, I had got a new therapist and we were going to do something called CBT therapy for like trauma. Like it's cognitive behavioral therapy.

It was extensive and I had to bring up a lot of the trauma that I went through and it required a lot of work and like writing and speaking to her every day, every day, every week. It was really emotionally taxing for me. Then like I would leave our sessions. just be so upset because there was so many things that I had hid behind my life, behind my brain, like for years that I just never discussed. And she was just bringing all of that out. And it was sort of like it was just awakening all the trauma that I had dealt with and never discussed or told anybody. And so we were together for about two years. And there would be times where I would

miss sessions with her because I'd be so hung over. And I trusted her because I had already spoken to her about so many things. And she had started asking me about my drinking. I had kind of told her, like, well, this is what happened before and that's fine. Like, that's normal. We all do that. Like, you know, and she was just like, no, that's not normal. And I think you should go to AA. I had already been listening to all of her suggestions and they had changed my life. And so I said, okay, I'll do it. Like, that's fine. You know, if I meet some sober people, like, okay, let's do it.

That's when I went to my first AA meeting. She recommended I go to Washington, D.C. I think it's like an AA site. And she's like, find one on Zoom and just go. And so that's what I did. And the first meeting I went to was just a bunch of like, older white men and they were like veterans and they were talking about like their their years of sobriety. I was like I just told her. I went back to her. I was like this is their worst idea yet.

Like why would you tell me to go there? Like I don't want to be there. Like they don't like I don't feel comfortable talking. I'm like we don't have similar stories and she says well go to a woman's meeting then. So it's like fine. I'll do that. And I went to a women's meeting. It was a woman's AA meeting. And the first time, the first meeting, they were like, you know, I spoke and I just cried the entire time. And everyone after the meeting was on Zoom, you're in my family.

This is, you're, this is, we're your family now. Like, this is, this is it for you. We're going to help you. And I felt so overwhelmed by that. Because I'm like, I don't know you. Like, what are you telling me? You're my family. Like, I'm a part of it.

of a family. I'm like, this is my first time here. I don't know what to do, what to say, you know. So they had, this was a local women's meeting. So they invited me to a in-person meeting at that time, at this park in D.C. And they gave me a big book. And there was about maybe four or five of us and we're going to all walk to this meeting. I just, I wasn't ready. I don't think I was ready. And I think I would tell myself every excuse in the book to just not do what they were like they were talking about you know, I'm going to have a wedding and I'm not going to drink and I'm like, you women are nuts. Like what do you mean? You're going to not drink at your wedding. Like are you crazy? And so I just felt like these are not the women I want to be around. Like no. So I there was a girl there who asked to be

my sponsor. And I said, sure, like, whatever. I don't know what that is. But, you know, and she was telling me her story. And it was so much like mine. And I just didn't want to admit. I thought that I was like, well, you have a problem. I don't. And so I went back to my therapist, and I told her, I'm just going to do it about myself. You know, at that point, I was 16 day sober. This was like April 2021. And I said, I'm just going to do it by myself. I don't need that. Like, it's fine. So. she advised me not to do that. She said, I think you should go back. And I said, and I told her no. And so April to, I think it was June or July, it was July, her and I would meet every week. And she,

and I lasted about 16 days not drinking, then I went back out. But she would ask me every session, how many drinks did you have this weekend? Did you drink this weekend? How are you feeling about drinking. Are you thinking about going to A? She would ask me that every session. And as at one point, I think I remember being, it was one session and I was so mad at her. I was just so upset that she would continue. I was just like, mind your business. You know, even though she's my therapist. Like, I was so upset that she was just like constantly trying to get me to change and I was not ready. In between from like April to July 2021, There were times where I would just black out, drunk, get in a car with a random person,

and just have one-night hookups and just be so, like, just thinking that that was so okay. It was July 2021, and that's when I had my last drink. I just remember it, like, it was kind of like yesterday. I had a neighborhood bar, and I would go and I would drink. And that day I was just so upset. And I had already had suicidal thoughts and I had been crying and it was just a bad day. And this poor guy, I had met him at the bar and just started telling him everything about my life and crying to him. And I remember like walking home from the bar when I was blacked out, but don't remember how I got home.

and there was a guy I was dating at the time and he was so scared because I was just saying nobody loves me, no one cares about me, I want to die, things like that. He thought I was going to, you know, I'm alive myself. He was so scared. And the next day, he calls me and he comes over and he's just like telling me how scared he was. And that's when I knew that someone else besides my therapist had

saw me and saw that that I needed help. And he like prayed together. And the next day I went to AA and Bipak AA meetings. I haven't had a drink since. Wow. So yeah. When was that? July 21st, 2021.

Yeah. Wow. Incredible. Yeah. And what's it been like now that now that you're not drinking? What's life been like? It's been great. I mean, I have been uncovering so much about myself and discovering so much about myself. I've been uncovering some of the reasons why I used to drink. I moved out of my hometown to the middle of the country. I have great genuine friendships with people. I'm feeling how, like, my feelings, and I'm not trying to hide from myself anymore. I'm not hiding behind a mask anymore.

Like, that's been such a relief. I've been doing things that bring me joy, like traveling and finding new random hobbies, like longboarding, you know. I've just, I feel like my life. it's just cool now. Like I just feel like I have a cool life. It's been so much. I just am so thankful that I don't have to deal with long hangovers where I'm like throwing up all, you know, next morning.

I'm thankful that I have community and support on this journey. And I'm just thankful that I don't have to just go out and poison myself anymore. And I'm glad I don't feel these. miserable sad thoughts about myself anymore. Wow, that's incredible. Amazing job. I know you talked about a lot in your story there about you weren't ready. Yeah.

What brought you to the place of readiness? Was it that one night or was it a buildup of nights or buildup of experiences that kind of came to a head there? I think it was a mixture of both. it was a buildup of saying, I'm so sick of this shit. I'm so sick of not remembering. I'm so sick of meeting up with random people and just not knowing who they are. And I just, I know I need it to change.

Like I don't, like, I still, like, I think that that prayer with the guy I was dating, it, like, changed my life. I just, I know I wanted to change so bad. And I know that I needed to just, surrender and ask for the help because I had never done that before. But I was just tired. I was, I didn't want to live that life anymore. Yeah, powerful. Powerful. What would you say has been the most helpful on your journey? Community support. I used to go to AA like every single day, but I don't really do that anymore. But when I do have those days, I do go to some AA meetings.

that I know that I have frequent when I was like last year. But even just like the community on that I, for women that I met on Instagram who are sober, like, you know, like that has been helpful. Some women on TikTok, like that's been helpful. But if it wasn't for like having sober people in my life, like having that community, I don't know how, like I just feel like that's just been the most important to me because I can call them.

I can text them and they understand and I don't feel like I'm alone on this journey. And I think that's, you know, a lot of my drinking had to do with feeling alone and not feeling seen by people in my life. And it feels amazing to have that. Even if they're not necessarily sober, just being honest about where I am today. it makes a difference. Yeah. Where are you today? Well, I'm able to just express myself. I'm able to tell if I'm, I'm able to cry like and not feel bad about it.

I'm able to be vulnerable with people and say like today's not a good day or I'm just not feeling well or, you know, I'm able to express myself and not feel like I have to hide behind a mask. I'm able to have boundaries with myself. I'm in a good place today where I know that people can rely on me and I can rely on them. And I think it's just it's a great feeling to have. Yeah, that is true. It's incredible. What advice would you give from your own personal journey if somebody's listening to this podcast and they're struggling to get or stay sober?

I would say to have grace with yourself and because this isn't easy, but to have grace with yourself and to be kind to yourself. And I know that sometimes in this journey, there can be a lot of shame and stigma, but I tell myself that I matter, that I'm worth this journey, that, you know, just keep telling yourself, like keep choosing yourself every day. And know why you're doing it. Know that it's for you and to just be nice to yourself. Yeah.

Just something like simple. Like breathe when you're not, when things are just going crazy. But to just keep choosing yourself every day. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, that's so important. That's so important to stay on track is to do all of those things. It's extremely helpful. And I also really love what you touched on.

earlier to the aspect of community. I think that's really important for when we start this journey, we need to put that wall down a bit and connect with other people that are on this journey. Or if we're not ready to do that, just connect with people who want to see us do well or people who can support us. They don't necessarily have to be sober. I think there are people out there who don't necessarily have a problem with this. And they can be helpful for us as well.

And then people who have been through it can also be very helpful because of so many different reasons, but because they understand how lonely the journey can be, how we felt when we were stuck in it. And it can help us reduce that shame and that guilt feeling and the stigma around all of this. So incredible. So incredible. That was amazing. And recently, how I came across you is your TV star now. How was that experience for you? Oh, it was the woman, her name was Marina.

She found my TikTok. And I talk about it on TikTok. I talk about my sobriety journey on TikTok. So she found my TikTok and she said that she was like looking for just like black women in sobriety, like diversity. And there's only a few of us on there that talk about it. And so I felt like just so over the moon that she found me. And I just sometimes I can't believe it. Like if you would have told me like a year and a half ago that I would be on the Today Show talking about my sobriety journey, I would have looked at you like you were crazy because I just never would have thought.

It was such a great affirming feeling to just know that I could have. help someone else, like by sharing my story and inspiring someone else for someone to see my voice and see what I, you know, see what I look like and say, hey, I can do that too. Even after I had got comments on my TikTok, like, oh, I saw you on TV. And thanks for sharing your story. And just overwhelming love and support. And I really just hope that me sharing my story can help someone else. Yeah, I definitely know it will and I'm sure the response from that has been incredible.

And I'm glad you brought that up though because like is it hard for you as a black woman to share your journey? And like is this a bigger problem than we may realize in your community? Yeah, it is. There are not many. I guess when I first started in this journey, I didn't see. anyone who was black and sober. I just didn't see what I didn't see where to look. I didn't know anyone in my life who was sober and black.

But then when I started just sharing my story, that's when I found other black women, other black men who were talking about it. But yeah, it was really hard because in my own community, like with my friends and family, there was no one who was not drinking unless they were religious or pregnant. And also I felt, I feel that there is just like this like shame and stigma behind getting mental help, saying that you have a problem with a substance because that's just not,

you know, it's not the norm for us. So it feels really empowering to, to know that I, that I'm sharing my story and I'm a young black woman and that there are sober black women out here. That's incredible. Yeah, and the journeys are different for everybody too, right? So I mean, I'm happy you brought that up about having a hard time admitting that you need help or to get services for mental health. And also there's more barriers to access those services. Right.

Yeah. Yeah, I agree with that. Yeah. So I thank you so much for speaking out about this and really opening up the for people to see what's possible. Yeah, and I feel like the audience on TikTok, they're young. And I have got comments like, I'm 25 and my goal is to be sober by 30, you know, and I'll say, well, I started it at 25 and I'm 27 now and it's possible for you, you know?

So, like, I get so many comments like that that I can relate to. Like, you know, people will tell me I'm on day 30. I'm on day one. Like, I needed to see this, you know? And like, it's just sometimes it just brings tears up to my eyes to know that like I was there a year and a half ago, a year and a half ago. And like, I know what it's like. It just feels so good to help someone else and tell someone like you can do it. Just keep going.

And that's the power with stories is because once somebody can identify with someone else's story, then a little. piece of hope is kind of instilled in that person that if they can do it, maybe I can figure it out. Maybe I can do it because I share, like what they shared hits home for me. Definitely. Right. Really thank you for asking me to share my story with you on your podcast. And I'm glad, like sometimes I'll share my story and I forget certain parts. But then I share it again.

and I remember a certain thing. And me sharing my story more and more really helps me too. So thank you. Yeah, of course. Yeah. And thank you so much for doing this. And passing it,

passing it along to the next person about what's possible. And I think every time they hear this stuff, that somebody who's struggling might get more and more ready. I think it's so important part of your stories that you stuck with it. You had these opportunities. where you could have kept it going then. And things didn't go that route. But I feel like that's a lot of people's journey.

They'll have multiple things, 10, 15, 20, maybe smaller tries or maybe smaller interventions from the world. And nothing changes. And then we get into this cycle where we beat ourselves up, like, this isn't possible. I can't do it. And I think your story is a prime example of stick with it, just keep showing up and like it'll happen for you.

Right. Yes, for sure. 100%. Wow, that was incredible and so grateful for Ryan to come on here and share her story with us all. And if you've been listening to a few episodes, you already know what's coming next. If you're enjoying the podcast, take a minute or two out of your day, please and leave a review on your favorite podcasting platform. I'll see you on the next episode.