Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Saz thought she would always miss alcohol.

Episode Date: June 25, 2025

Welcome back to another update episode! In this candid and heartfelt conversation, Saz returns to share her journey of nearly three years of sobriety, reflecting on the challenges, growth, and lessons learned along the way. ------------ Saz on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sackedthesauce/

Great to have you here for another update episode, sitting down with my friend Saz. Saz returns to share her journey of nearly three years of sobriety, reflecting on the challenges, growth, and the lessons learned along the way. Interesting thing I found out, Saz's initial goal was for one year of sobriety. And here we are, almost three years later. Incredible episode. Hope you enjoy it. Have a listen.

Before we jump into this episode, just reflecting back over 200 plus. stories here on the podcast. I want to first thank all of you for continuing to listen and supporting the show. And two, I was just thinking how grateful I am that this has went the way it has. When I started this podcast, I had two things in mind. I didn't want to be the main character. And I also didn't want to tell everybody the way that they needed to do it. And I think what the stories bring is something very unique, is that you can pick and choose what parts relate to you and what things that you could try out or that might be helpful to your own journey,

but also to hear how people's lives change and how a lot of people share that exact same story of getting sober and not drinking wasn't possible. They never believed it to be possible, and then here they are, living potentially their best life on the other side of things and making big changes in their life

and impacting a lot of people around them, if not everybody around them, and making the world a better, their place because they decided to step away from one thing that was no longer serving them in their life and that was drinking and it doesn't matter how much, how frequent what you're drinking. The only thing that matters for this journey is this one question. Would your life be better without it?

Another part of it is be easy on yourself. Like being hard on ourselves that things aren't working out the first time or the second time we try something, I don't know that I'm convinced it's going to get us anywhere. I think we have to learn from the times we fall down and utilize what we learned the next time we stumble. Get connected with other people. Doing this alone, although possible, extremely difficult. The game completely changes when you surround yourself with other people that are on a

similar path. and there's this one quote that always stands out to me, shame dies when stories are told in safe places. And there's so much truth to that, because we feel alone on the journey, we feel like there's nobody else who understands, we feel like we're the only people who have done what we've done. And I think the stories help as well in that direction

to break down the barriers that we're the only person that's been through it, because that is far from the truth. Although we take different paths to get to where we've gotten, a lot of the past I feel like intersect. And I don't believe that anything in this world happens on accident. You found this podcast or this podcast found you. You're on this journey for a reason. Whether it makes sense or not right now, maybe one day it will.

Now let's get to Saz's story. Welcome back, everyone, to another update episode. We got Saz with us today. How are you? I'm great. Thank you for helping me back. I'm so happy to be here. Yeah, of course.

If anybody didn't catch the first episode that you joined me with, maybe share with us sort of the Cliff Notes version and what things were like at the end and when you got sober. Yes, of course. So, yes, I got sober almost three years ago on my 30th birthday. I kind of did it as a birthday present to myself because for the longest time, I was going in and out of little periods of abstinence

and kind of like not really committing to it fully, always being like, I'll drink again. Like I'll take a. a break but I'm going to drink again obviously. And then it got to a point where I was just like, let me try and do a year. So that's what I started on my 30th birthday. And then, as I say, I could never just stop at one. So here we are nearly three years later. And I guess my journey started when I was maybe about 16, 17. It kind of went from an eating disorder into binge drinking that carried on throughout like the entirety of my 20s.

And then I was just like, do you know what, I don't want to carry this into my 30s, new decade, fresh start. And I think the way my brain works, it's really helpful for me to have like deadlines and like fresh starts. And like, I can't just in the middle of a week be like, I'm going to start exercising or eating healthy. I have to start from like a Monday, the first day of the month, things like that. So that's how it worked for me. Yeah. Wow. In the best birthday present you ever gave yourself or what? Yeah.

Honestly, like it was, well, it was funny because it was, that happened on my birthday and then two weeks later I lost my job. So I was like, why? Like, I was like, this is not, at the time, my mindset was like, this was not a good idea. The timing's off. But I think that really it was the best gift because that's how I was able to navigate all the kind of obstacles that came up throughout that first year in particular. Yeah. Yeah. It's always, you know, hindsight's always 20,

looking back at the time, it's, it's hard to see how we're going to navigate through something, but looking back, it's like, you know, maybe that was the right time for this or the right time for that. Yeah. Push us forward a bit. I'm switching the perspective up,

like just like he said, of like it being a gift. So I think the whole time when I like wasn't committed to trying to quit, I was saying it as a deprivation. And I was saying it almost like a punishment. Like I was taking something away from it. myself that was making me less happy and less connected to people when really that was the complete opposite and I know. So it was just kind of seeing it as like a fresh start,

like a new opportunity and like that reframe was really helpful in like staying with it. Yeah. Yeah. That, you know, that's so interesting because I feel like, you know, I would be so curious to know how that became part of your life, right? Because I mean, we grow up. And I think when I was when I was a kid, right, before I ever drank, you know, when I was just younger kid, I didn't wake up and think about drinking. Drinking wasn't really part of my life. And then once I started drinking, I had that same perception too.

Like, what am I going to do for fun? How am I going to connect? It's attached to my identity in all these certain ways. This kind of who I was known as. Like, what was it in your life? If you could put a finger on it to say, you know, this is the story I kind of believed to my relationship with alcohol to where it seemed that maybe impossible to walk away.

Yeah, I remember you saying in the last time we talked about how alcohol didn't start off as a problem. It was almost like the solution. You were like, like, Eureka, like this is, this is like the magic potion that I can like not awkwardly talk to people at parties and feel like I'm fitting in and all those things that maybe as kids, we really struggled with,

of like connecting with others. this was all of a sudden the answer of like how we could do that. And that's why it becomes part of what we feel as like our personality, because it's how we bond with others, how we, you know, process really difficult emotions, how we celebrate, how we do all those things. So it's so wrapped up in like every aspect of our lives. And then often for for us who are a bit sensitive to using it to cope or relying too heavily on it, there comes a time where it starts to slip into that slippery slope of like, I'm starting to drink the next day. And, you know, is this part of my personality or is this something that's actually a little bit darker that I'm struggling with? And I,

you know, it's not always fun or is it ever fun anymore? And I think that something I've been reflecting on recently of like something that surprised me in my sobriety and my own like three years of it is I never thought that I wouldn't miss it. So I was always like, oh, you know what, it's always going to be something that I'm like, oh, you know, the good old days and I wish I could go back. And I never thought that I would be like, there'd be times I would be on a whole holiday. And I'd be like, oh, I didn't even think about that once. Or I'd be at a party and I'm not like, I'm laughing so hard with people that I don't even consider.

I wish I had a beer right now. So I think that was like a major reflection for me of like it really isn't part of my personality. I'm like it never was. It was just what it was kind of leading me to believe. And that's why it's so insidious, isn't it? Yeah. And like what you mentioned there too, it happens over time.

It doesn't necessarily happen. I mean, everybody's got their own journey and their own unique relationship in a sense, right? But it doesn't just happen like the first time necessarily. it can be this sort of slow process to where it creeps into maybe more areas of our life, right? And then at the end, you hear it all the time. I'm not going to go places where there's not drinking. I'm not going to go to a restaurant where they don't have alcohol.

It becomes all these things. And I think at the time when we're going through it, it's maybe not even a full-on conscious thoughts, maybe more in the subconscious of we just know we need to be a place where we're going to be able to drink and be comfortable and it just becomes sort of part of the everyday thing. So you're mentioning now, too, in the beginning, it's like, this is always going to be something that I'm going to miss in a sense. And now, you know, with the growth. And I think that speaks a lot to, and correct me if I'm wrong here, but I know on my own

journey, it speaks to the work that I did on the underlying reasons why I drank in the first place. And not to say that I've perfected everything or I've made every improvement in my life that I need to, but I feel like once I remove the alcohol, on my life. The other stuff really became elevated. I became more aware of where I'm uncomfortable and what was really going on beneath the surface and all the masks I was wearing. And once I was able to work on that stuff and work through that stuff, I just don't have that desire to run escape and potentially and probably burn things down again. You know, was that helpful for you too? The work

connection community being plugged in and in talking about it helpful? 100% and I love how you word it as like the different masks and like the different and I think that's so wrapped up in like that people pleaser mentality that so many of us have of like and I still struggle with it and especially now that I'm not drinking I'm like well I'm not drinking so I'm going to maybe stay out longer or I'm going to you know I'm going to go to the club with them because I feel bad you know I don't want to ruin their night and I've had to really be like stop that you don't want to go like listen to you your body, listen to, like, listen to yourself, like, no. But I really would agree that community was so helpful. I did raw dog it in the first six months. I deleted, like, all of my social media. I didn't go to any, like, I've never been to any meetings. Like, I really felt that I had to go through, like, a grieving process.

And that for me was really helpful because I think, I needed to just like accept like go through that acceptance of like this is what's happening like and maybe yeah I had a few distractions thrown in but really I had to just let all the feelings I can rock with them and you know the intensity of them especially as someone who feels very deeply but who has for most of their adult life never allowed themselves to like sit with it has always escaped and abandoned through drinking and through blackouts and that was really difficult but after six months when I was like, right, I'm ready. And I got on Instagram and I created my account and being, like, having gone from a period of time where I felt like I was so dishonest and I felt like I didn't really know who I was and I wasn't really honest with myself or anyone that was around me. I was always, even if it's something like as simple as like, oh, I wasn't really that drunk last night or, oh yeah, I remember, you know, pretending that I remembered like I would maybe remember like something random like oh like Johnny was there and then

they're like oh yeah well you weren't that drunk but like that's the only part of the night I remember just to try and like throw in a fact to like you know put them off my scent and I just felt like I was constantly like keeping up with my own like lies and I'm not like and it just it made me feel like so disconnected from myself because I was like is this the kind of person I am am I a liar am I like dishonest, can I not be trusted? So I feel like in sobriety, honesty was so important to me. And maybe too much so.

Sometimes I live back on maybe certain podcasts I did or captions I wrote and I'm like, sweet Lord, I really didn't know back there. It's like my whole life story. Like all the details, the gory details that like my younger self would be deceased if she heard me talking about that I like would have gone to the end.

of the earth to try and cover up because by exposing them, I was like admitting that it was a problem. But now that I have kind of accepted that, and it's not my life anymore, it feels so much easier when you're distanced from it to talk about it. And then in the help of helping people who are still in the thick of it and in the trenches to go through that process as well, I guess. Yeah. And that was one thing too that I remember after we did our episode and too, you sent me that note the other day, too, the extremely honest and vulnerable with how you showed up and shared. And I was just curious, was that the plan going into it? Or is that just naturally the way things go? Going into what, like, sobriety or the chat?

Yeah, the chat, yeah, the other episode. I think would you just have a certain, like, calmness and like a, you know, know, you create this environment where, like, I just felt safe. And I think that often, whether it was in my drinking days or in some, you know, unfamiliar environments and sobriety, I just didn't feel safe. And I felt maybe like I was going to be judged or, you know, I, people wouldn't get it. Whereas, like, when I was talking to you, I just felt like I was, the judgment didn't even remotely come into it.

And I was like, right, let's roll up the sleeves here and get it. Like there's, you know, why not? And I just, that's such a beautiful quality for you to have, especially when you're, you know, having these really vulnerable conversations with people about like some of, you know, some of their darkest moments that they feel safe and comfortable to open up to. And although it was quite maybe after, you know, it's almost like, not as nowhere near as like traumatic, but, you know, on a night out where you, I would spill

my guts on, and during a blackout and then I'd wake up and can't remember. what I said, it felt so much more intentional that I was sharing because it's something that I wanted to share and that I felt would be valuable and that I felt you would understand and be able to connect with me on. So although it was quite scary to be so open, it was also like very therapeutic and I felt very, I think I, after the episode, I had like a little like cry and was, and especially the outpouring of like support and kindness from people of like, you know, because you put yourself out there and often we've been in situations with people who can drink without blowing their lives up or as you say, like burning your life to the ground without doing those things. So you often feel

like you're the black sheep or the one that like sticks out or the one that no one really understands. So there's something incredibly beautiful about the sober community where you'll put out something that you've done or you've felt and people all rise up to say that was me too. And like I understand. I'm like, I'm here for you, and that was really special. Yeah. No, that's so beautiful, too. And I'm so happy to hear that, you know, people send the message and appreciate things, too. But I've always appreciated that from, especially your post, right?

Like, your post that you put out about the things that you work through and the things you're working through and the things you've been through. And it is, you know, I think it just, I don't know, in my life, being honest about it, even though it's difficult, I think anytime we're honest, my fear is. my fear is anyway, my little small, little fear, it's gotten a lot smaller over the years. It's like, all of this can be thrown back at me. And I did have relationships too in life where that was the case. So it's like, you know, always that. But I'm like, you know what? If it helps 100 people and one person has something negative, like I'm all in on that all day, you know. And so I've always appreciated that level of honesty from you. And I feel like that can give other people some safety in maybe a runway for them to kind of get honest with themselves.

Because I feel like the denial, the lack of awareness and the lack of being honest with ourselves are sort of three keys that can keep us stuck with this cycle continuing. So I think I'm sharing our story of what it's like because we've all, I think, been at some point been that person to say, I'm so much different than everybody else. My thing is different. Nobody understands it. Nobody gets it. And although all of us have taken a different journey and a different path and had different

experiences in life, I think the way that alcohol and our relationships with it, there's a lot of intersection and a lot of things we can relate with each other on. So sharing our stories, it's like maybe permission for somebody else to have a look and say, you know, maybe I relate to that and maybe I can make the change when it feels difficult. Yeah. And I completely agree with the intersectionality of it. I think my foot in the door of like sober curiosity was on my runs. I would listen to Catherine Gray's book,

The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober. And although our experiences were different and she would, you know, identify herself differently to me and the way her drinking showed up in her life was different. I never was like, oh, like, and I have to remind myself when I'm like reading or listening, like that when I share things, like there are people who maybe quit drinking for health issues or because they just don't fancy it and maybe it never got as dark as it did for them as maybe it did for me at times. But when I was listening to her story, there was never a time where I was like judging her or being like, oh, I don't relate to that. Like I don't, you know, I was so in awe of

her honesty and her, you know, things that I was like, I can't believe she admitted that. Wow, that's so brave. Like I don't think I could ever do that. And then not, I'm here like, there's like the deepest, darkest secrets. To all you strangers on the internet. But yeah, I just, I take like, you know, and you sharing your story and everyone who's been so brave to speak so honestly about like the most difficult things that have happened to them, it's such inspiration for, for you to share, even if it looks different, to share knowing that some people will relate to it. And it, even if they don't relate exactly, it'll help them to even be a bit more honest with themselves or reflect or just anything, just like take a pause to kind of think about it. Yeah. And yeah, and that's such a

good point too, is that we're not going to relate with where everybody's been or the journey everybody's taken. But I think if we're honest with ourselves, we listen to a one hour episode of somebody's story. I think there's definitely going to be parts of it too. And none of us take that first drink, you know, just like, I didn't have my first drink and say, oh, you know, a couple of years from now, this is just going to be a disaster. Yeah. And that's what I always mentioned to people, too, is like this gray area drinking, which a lot of people relate to. A lot of people relate to, but it's a, it can be a very confusing place, too, because things are kind of together, but on, on the inside. It goes back to what you mentioned, you know, and I think that's where it all starts.

Before anything external, before any of these rock bottoms we see in the Hollywood movies, it starts happening internally where we're not in alignment with our authentic self. We can feel it like, you know, maybe in our soul or something, right? About it's like, okay, my behaviors are not lining up with who I am, right? The dishonesty for some people might be the sneakiness. And we're just out of character. At least, you know, I was. And I think that's where it kind of first shows up. But the longer we keep this around, the more likelihood to, for things to maybe go more astray, you know? So it's always like, even if that's how we're feeling now, Now, there's no objection from my end to say, hey, let's get ahead of it.

Because these other stories we hear from people, too, we never know. I mean, we will say, I always said for me, oh, that'll never, I'll never do that. Oh, yeah, I draw the line and the sand, you know, and then there I was. And I crossed over that one. And I find in my life, every time I crossed over one, it was a little bit easier to cross over the next one, the next line. in the sand and it was a little bit easier to push the limits again. So it's always being mindful that, you know, maybe things aren't completely out of control right now. But I believe that it really only could take one event, you know, one heavy event in our life for us to lean more and more,

you know, in that direction. So getting ahead of it is, is never a bad thing. Definitely. And I think like kind of what we had touched on, you know, at the start of this conversation about gratitude of like, I know how lucky I am and I work, you know, we spoke about it last time, I work in communities of vulnerable people who do struggle with addiction and struggle with trauma. And, you know, what they say, I'm not sure of the exact statistic, but that you're only, you know, a certain amount of barriers away from homelessness and things like that. Like there's so many, and, you know, we have, like I'm so blessed to have these protective factors, but that I, that made me say, oh, I'll never be, I'll never maybe do this or I'll never be at that level of whatever,

um, on the spectrum of addiction or substance use, but you don't know how, what life's going to throw it. You don't know. And, you know, sometimes it doesn't, you know, for some of us, like, it doesn't take and that's something I also struggled with. Like, why do I, like, my life, I have all these protective factors. So why am I showing up in my life in such a chaotic way when my siblings are all inverted home as normal? And I'm just this complete header that's like, what is wrong with her?

Like, what? Like, nothing happened to me, but like that doesn't matter sometimes. You know, so complex and it's so difficult. And as you said, once you open the flood gate a little bit, it's just so much easier for behaviors to start slipping

and for you to get first. they're disconnected from yourself for sure. Yeah. Yeah, that's a great way to put it. I love how you said it there at the end, disconnected from ourselves. In the other part of the story we believe, we believe or think we're more connected.

Yeah. I mean, that was one of the things that kind of blew me away. I thought, you know, of course, the drinking, the partying, getting together for people, the friendships, their relationships. It was all just drinking. And I was like, this is what brings us together. what I realized now looking back is that I just was really uncomfortable and the drinking just

made me comfortable. Check the boxes. I didn't have to worry about my insecurities or my thoughts racing or acceptance. If I came with drinks in my younger years, it was like, you're the coolest, you're the coolest person around. Yeah. Great job. Yeah. It's like great. I was like, yeah, you guys want more. Like, you know, I'll make it happen. Whatever, whatever we got to do here. I was just looking for a place to belong, and that's the first sort of thing that made that happen, you know, very predictably happened. So I leaned into it, you know, and it transforms as we kind of, you know, get older. But when I look back now, it was the ultimate disconnect. I mean, we weren't having vulnerable, honest conversations. You know, we did the best we could with what we had. But yeah, there was no genuine connection. There's nothing better than. the connection of, um, of sobriety with others and also with ourselves. Oh, definitely. And it sounds like just what you're saying there. It's like you were like the green light guy. Like if people wanted to be green lighted like that was me. I'm like, if you want a good

time, if you want to stay out all night, you know who to call or like, you know, if, or if you want to feel better about your drinking, come talk to me because I'll be the, I'll be the biggest mess in this room without a doubt. And I think it's really, it was really uncomfortable. in the beginning to show up in friendships and social situations with, I keep saying this with inverted commas, but like nothing to offer but ourselves. So we're not offering a good, you know, like, oh, I can green light you in drinking or I can escape with you. It's just showing up like as you and there's something really scary and vulnerable with that in case you're not accepted. because the drinking thing was always a bit of a comfort blanket of like if people didn't like me

I could blame oh it's because I was too drunk if I didn't really get on with people oh it's you know I could always blame drinking whereas if I'm showing up as my arm as I am and we're not viking that's because we don't jam it's because we don't like click because you know I'm showing up as myself and I don't know about you but I one of the my favorite things in sobriety and although it's really difficult sometimes because it feels like everyone else, you know, when they're a few pints in and they're getting on with everyone, I'm so aware of like who makes me comfortable and I'm aware of like picking up on like good energy and there's certain spaces that I'm just like I don't feel like I can be myself here.

And that's a signal for me to maybe not to go to the bar and nail a bottle of line, but to bounce. Do you know? Yeah. Yeah. So I think that for me, that's been really important to like in that connection with yourself and getting to know yourself again of being like there's certain spaces that are I'm not I don't feel comfortable here and I can do something about it I don't have to drink my way out of it I can just remove myself or you know show up in spaces that I do feel comfortable in yeah and that's massive massive growth throughout the process right you mentioned at the beginning and it yeah I think a big part of it too and there's layers to it is that we're like I was just unfamiliar with showing up anywhere

without drinking. So I, uh, one of my earliest mentors told me like, it's just all new. Like, try to do anything new. Try to go skiing. I've never skied before. It was like, you're going to be uncomfortable. It's going to feel a little bit wonky and you might look a little bit silly. And that's kind of what I looked like in the early days, right? Like, what do I do with my hands here? Put him in my pocket, I guess. Not really knowing. Yeah, not really knowing. what to do. But as you go, and I think that's part of the development, right, about finding new things we enjoy, connecting with the right people. You know, it's all that four quarters thing, right? Four quarters, not a hundred pennies as far as our connections, right? And having more meaningful

ones instead of, you know, when I was drinking, I just wanted to be everybody's pal. I never wanted to be alone. So it was like, I've got to, I've got to make as many friends as I can impress as many people so that if, you know, I want to hang out or have company or do whatever, I've got a running list and feel like I have this level of importance, you know, people need me. Like, if I'm, didn't go, like, they're not even going to have any fun if I don't show up, you know, believing that kind of madness, right? Like, they need, I have to go and just that sort of stuff just doesn't excite me anymore. I'm with you on that 100% too, like just finding the places where not only am I accepted, but I feel like I can be part of and be myself, you know?

And for us, too, like we live like, you know, paths that not everybody's talking about. A lot of people are probably experienced, but everybody's talking about it. And I was talking with my wife the other day. And I'm like, you know what? Like, I'm, I've been to all this stuff, trouble, jail and stuff. And I'm like, I don't think anybody around me when I take my kids at a bus stop. and I'm like, nobody knows any of this stuff, you know? So I can get in my own head sometimes, right?

Like, what if when I bring my kids over for them to go to somebody's house or we invite somebody over here and I think it's probably a common thing to like do a quick Google search and I'm like, how is that going to play out? Is it going to affect my kids? Like, what are people's perception going to be, right, of finding out all of this stuff? But I also think it all goes back to we lived a life that wasn't in alignment for so long. for me, I have to live a life of alignment. Whether other people accepted or not,

this is peace for me to be who I actually am and I can't go back and change, you know, what I did, right? It just is. That's so, so lovely. And just when you said that there about, like, just, like, finding peace and just being, like, authentically yourself, it's funny because when you're dating

or meeting new people, like, you know, if I'm traveling and people are like, like, hey, let me grab your Instagram. And I'm like, like, the last post is real about like the darkest moment of my life. And they're just like, what the, like, it's this balance of like, you know, it is authentically yourself. But like what's, you know, it's still up to us how much we want to share.

I know it's different when it's in a public forum. But there is a beauty of that. Like when I was drinking, I would just overshare to everyone with, really being intentional about it but now we have this opportunity to like share a little bits of our life when it when it feels comfortable to us and when we trust people and when we want to let people in and then I guess that's the whole thing with like dating or making friends like you're so much more aware if there's a connection there or like because you're conscious of how you're feeling and if you're if you're going to know in the first like I know pretty pretty quickly if I'm feeling

something or not. Whereas if you're kind of a couple of, you get ready, have a couple of glasses of wine, you go on the date or meet up or whatever. And you don't even, you're just, that's not the point anymore of connecting. It's just kind of, how long can we stay on this bar until we go back to yours here? And like, you're going through the motions and you're just trying to not be alone. Like that fear of like, this has to go well. I have to force this because I just can't go home by myself. And there is a real comfort. And I've seen a lot of women, especially, in sobriety who have gained this comfort in being by themselves and like feeling whole themselves and that's just I think that's really beautiful and I think that that's um it's it's a bit of a

phenomenon at the minute where these like women are you know doing a lot of the work and healing and being like I can meet my needs and I don't feel like I have to settle and I don't feel like I have to make myself smaller or drink to get through either social situations, intimate situations that don't align with me because that's the only way I can cope. But instead they're being like, you know, they're knowing when to take themselves out of situations and like, I think that's amazing as well. Yeah, that is. Yeah.

A lot of freedom on that side of things. Interesting you brought up too with like the dating, right? So you're, you go into it there. In sobriety, you get that spidey sense maybe of like, hey, there's compatibility here, whether it be relationships, you know, dating or friendships. And you can figure that out. I feel like in my drinking days, it would take me about six months to figure it out, as opposed to now, maybe six minutes.

Yeah. And I would spend six months to figure it out. And then you reflect back on it. you're like, this probably shouldn't have been a thing for six months, you know? So that's a great. And I feel like it's exactly it. And I feel like it's really linked to like not trusting yourself and not trusting your own decisions and not disconnection from yourself of being like, uh, I don't know if I really feel

it, but like I don't really, maybe I'll just give it a chance and I don't like, whereas now, it's like, no, like I can't like I'm not lying to myself here. Like this is not for me. and it's so difficult now and it feels so uncomfortable to put yourself in situations or to do things that you're not

aligning with. Like when you're sober and you're like innocent, it's just so uncomfortable to be like forcing yourself into something whereas when you're drinking and those inhibitions are, you know,

away and you're feeling numbed and you kind of like can go along with stuff that you're not comfortable with. I feel like now it's so much easier. not necessarily easier because it's still difficult as a people pleaser but it's easier to identify so as you said six minutes and you're like

yeah this isn't going to happen you know you can still have a good time you can put yourself out there not everything's going to work but knowing that you have the comfort of and you have the power and freedom of knowing that you're okay by yourself and you don't need anyone to complete

you like that's that's like badass I love that badass. Just heading towards wrapping up. Thank you so much for the conversation to always appreciate, you know, the chats. And just thinking about too and the things you've learned over the years for anybody who might be struggling. What would you say to them? I think for me, as I kind of mentioned earlier, you know, there was this massive fear that alcohol was such a big part of my idea.

identity and if I gave that up or even worded it as something that I had to give up as if I'm like depriving myself as something you know I would lose the people that mattered to me I would lose the parts of myself that were the best parts but I read this quote like when I was you know going through the first year of sobriety and it said the people who you lose on your healing journey are only supposed to be with the unhealed version of you and that just like really spoke to me because I was so scared with that person that I made, I made myself smaller. I made myself, you know, like as you said, wearing all of the masks. Like I never showed up authentically as myself. I showed up as what I thought people wanted me to be. And, you know, I was dishonest and I was

really miserable and just struggling constantly and kind of still trying my best to like, you know, put a smile on people's faces and put a smile on my own face, but it never felt like it really fit. And I think that as soon as I just realized that like if I do this for myself, which is what I did on my 30th birthday, that's, it doesn't matter. Whatever falls away and whatever doesn't make it through to the other side on the roller coaster of whatever this is isn't supposed to be there. and I think that, you know, through my journey, I've realized that things like, like that I'm an introvert and I, I would like die rather than admitting that when I was younger because all I wanted to be was an extrovert. All I wanted to be was the center of the party. And that's my worst nightmare now. And I also have like a little neurodivergent brain which overthinks and stresses about everything and spirals and is so sensitive. But you know what, despite everything that I've gone through, I would not change a thing. And that's something that I always said. I was always like, I just wish I could be a normal drinker.

But now I can sit here and say as I approach three years sober, I wouldn't change a thing about myself. If someone said, you can drink tomorrow, I would choose not to. Because everything that I've been through has gotten to me where I am and has helped me to make these beautiful connections with people in such a deep level. and allowed me to be vulnerable and to help people feel seen and heard. And for me, it just makes it all worth it. So I wouldn't change a thing.

And I honestly think that. Yeah. Now, I'm with you on that too. I, um, it's such an interesting thing there, right? Because I feel like if you change one little thing, you know, like, uh, you hear it in football, right? Football is a game of inches, right?

One inch here, one inch the other way. In life's a game of inches, right? And you change one little thing. You potentially don't end up anywhere near where you're at now. And I think that about my story, with my family, with my kids and where things are now, I'm like, if I would have changed one little thing, where I'm at now is completely different. And I think if we're at peace with where we're at now, that's what I've always been after, you know? And so I wouldn't go back and make any changes even though, you know, I wouldn't say I'm full.

only 110% happy with how things were. I mean, I think the thing that hits the most is just the way I treated other people. You know, I wasn't happy, obviously, about that. But I think, you know, with time and people see you do better and, you know, people forgive, right? It's kind of an interesting thing. But yeah, I'm with you on that. You know, it's if you change one little thing, right, you go left and set it right. Everything could change.

and if you've ended up at a place where, you know, you're enjoying it in the process, then that's beautiful. And I think that I spend a lot of time dwelling on the past, and I feel for me it's not healthy and it's not productive. So when I say I wouldn't change a thing, I mean more about how I am as a person. So although I can't drink or I have a wild,

brain, an untamed, untethered brain that I sometimes can't control or struggle to regulate, or, you know, I don't get on with just anyone. Like, I'm not an extrovert and I'm not putting myself out there and I do struggle socially. Those things will make me me and those things were all things that I try to change through alcohol. And now, as you said, the fact that we can show up authentically as ourselves, that's kind of doing our, younger selves who maybe hurt others and hurt ourselves, that's doing us a service of forgiveness and of like freedom moving forward. Yeah. That's incredible. I could go on and on with with questions, you know, based on that there. But thank you again for catching up. And I appreciate it.

Even with you sharing there towards the end, I mean, just how things operate for you. What I hear anyway is that this is far outside of your comfort zone and necessarily what you would set out to do. But you come on here and in your second time. And you do share a lot of your story on Instagram too. And, you know, I think that that you just mentioned it there, right? Maybe for a younger self to say, you know, I'm doing the thing now. So I really appreciate that, that you've done that. And, you know, always been incredible.

Well, you make it easy to come on here, honestly. So thank you for having me. Yeah. All right. a great Friday. Thank you so much, I knew. Happy weekend. Well, there it is.

Another incredible episode here on the podcast. Huge shout out to Saz. I'll drop the contact information to reach out in the show notes below. Incredible stuff. One quote that really stood out to me. If someone said you can drink tomorrow, I would choose not to.

It's incredible progress from where things seem. I think for a lot of us in the beginning, a life without drinking just feels impossible. Like, it's really even a hard thing to even imagine, but it's the reality for so many people. It really is. There comes a time where alcohol loses its grip over you and life is so much fuller without it. And you realize that. It might not happen in the first day or two or three, but if you stick with it, you'll get to that point as well. Saz does such a good job sharing the honest and vulnerable story of how things look, and I always appreciate that.

It's incredible. I know so many of you are going to be able to relate to the journey. And thank you for listening to another episode on the Super Motivation podcast. And I'll see you on the next one.