Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - She Couldn’t Stop Drinking—How She Finally Got Sober

Episode Date: July 13, 2026

Jess never imagined alcohol would take her here.After years of trying to stop drinking, repeated relapses, multiple detoxes, inpatient treatment, and three-day blackouts, she found herself waking up to police after her truck became stranded on train tracks. She thought she had destroyed her life—and that she would never be able to stay sober.In this powerful episode of the Sober Motivation Podcast, Jess shares how alcohol slowly took over, the shame of living a double life while working alongside law enforcement, how addiction impacted her relationship with her son, and what finally helped her break free after 17 relapses.We talk about: • Growing up with trauma, rejection, and people-pleasing • How alcohol went from occasional drinking to physical dependence • Blackouts, detox, rehab, and repeated relapse • The hidden shame of alcohol addiction • Why recovery isn’t about perfection—it’s about not giving up • The role of faith, discipline, structure, and community in lasting sobriety • Rebuilding trust, purpose, and a meaningful life in recoveryIf you’re struggling with alcohol, have relapsed, or feel like you’ve tried everything, Jess’s story is proof that your next attempt could be the one that changes everything.🎙️ Subscribe for weekly conversations with people who have overcome alcohol addiction and built fulfilling sober lives.Sober Motivation Mobile App: https://apps.apple.com/app/sober-motivation-app/id6759266291Sober Motivation Website: https://www.sobermotivation.comSupport the Podcast: https://buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivationContact me anytime: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

relapsed again, I had a three or four day blackout. Well, I ended up driving on train tracks. I don't know how or why, but I came out of the blackout to the police coming. My truck got stuck, but I was on them, not going across them, driving on them. And got arrested. I don't remember a lot of that, but I know my behavior during that arrest was horrible. Great to have you back for another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. from working alongside law enforcement to waking up after a blackout on train tracks, alcohol took Jess's life somewhere she never imagined. And here's how she found her way back.

And this is Jess's story on the Sober Motivation podcast. If you're enjoying the show, don't forget to like, subscribe, and drop your thoughts in the comments below. And if you could use some support with quitting drinking and living a sober life, check out SoberMotivation.com, download the Sober Motivation app, two-week free trial, journal, connect to over 60 meetings hosted per month by other people on the journey challenges. Most importantly, the connection, though.

That's what helps people. So I'll see you there. Now let's get to the story. Welcome back. Today we've got Jess with us. Jess, how are you? Doing well. Thank you.

How are you? Yes, I'm good. I'm glad to connect. You're a longtime listener of the show. And it's great to have you here and for you to be willing to share your story with all of us. Yeah, thank you so much for having me. Your podcast definitely has been a big part of my recovery. Yeah, awesome.

So what was it like for you growing up? Overall, I would say I had a really great childhood, always provided for, but I will say, like, I think a lot of people that struggle with addiction, my parents divorced really young. So my first memory is actually of my dad leaving and me begging him to stay and asking him, like, why he didn't love us anymore and couldn't he, think in our house and I was three years old. And I literally had to ask my mom if that was the case because I remember it so clearly. And so I didn't realize this until in my recovery phase,

but I had this lifelong rejection issue, you know, or wanting to be accepted. So that comes later, right? But I don't know that. And then I witnessed a domestic violence incident too. That was like my second memory. So some, you know, smaller trauma, small tea trauma and in comparison to what some people go through, but otherwise pretty normal life, good loving parents. Did you go to live with your mom then? So I mostly lived with my mom and then I had a stepdad come in when I was pretty young. He's still in my life and he's been a great influence. And we would see my dad from time to time, like on the week, every other weekend and then some, you know, a week out of the year or something.

He also went through these like relationships where, he would be with a woman, cheat on her, go to the next woman. So also had this really weird behavioral pattern that I was watching to relationship-wise. Yeah. Yeah. I think, too, like what you mentioned there is if we maybe don't have those, what you referred to there as big T traumas, maybe we find a way to minimize what we went through without realizing how it impacted us kind of as, you know, life goes forward. Did you find yourself struggling when you were younger with things like you mentioned too like acceptance and feeling rejected from the divorce and that situation did that come out you know behaviors in any way yeah i think it did because i've never felt like i

fit in anywhere my whole life so i would kind of try to adjust myself to fit into certain groups and i think that would take me to like middle school where i left sports and started smoking weed I think because I just didn't feel like I fit in anywhere, but it was like I was smoking a lot of weed. And then I started selling weed. But then I didn't even feel like I fit in with those people. So yeah, just always kind of feeling like a misfit for sure. Yeah, and trying to find a place where you can land.

That's relatable. I mean, I was bouncing around from here to there or wearing the jinkos, skateboarding one day, doing this the next day, collecting Star Wars toys or Legos. I felt like whatever. whatever people like to do, I was like, yeah, I love to do that. And I really didn't. That's relatable. It's kind of on that quest to find ourselves. How does school and everything look like for you? I did all right in, you know, average, not really well in middle school and high school. Definitely

was getting involved with like the wrong people. I would, we had like, you know, the high school drinking parties, but I wasn't drinking regularly. And alcohol is really what became my issue. But yeah, I went on and I met my son's father pretty young. He was, I was 17 or 18. He was really in a bad lifestyle. He was selling drugs and in a gang. And I really was kind of sheltered from all of that per se. So I didn't really understand the gravity of what he was doing. But we ended up getting married and I was with him for about 10 years. And during that 10 years, I was just living in a state of anxiety the whole time because of his behaviors. And just not safe.

It just the environment was not safe. Yeah. Where did you grow up? I'm from Puyallup, Washington or Tacoma, Washington area. Okay. Did anybody mention anything when you, when get married and everything kind of going on there? Were you just doing what you were going to do? either way.

I don't think my family really understood the extent of like what was going on. I've always been pretty good at like keeping things under wraps. And I was going to college at the time, doing really well in college, working. So also I was pulling this financial weight really young and, you know, being like just being on top of all of my like academics and everything I needed to do. He also had two young children when we got together. one of them was like six months old and the other one one and a half so I walked into that as well and that was a lot of responsibility and I kind of just took on that role but and I've talked to my

mom about this you know she's always been a people pleaser and put herself last and I definitely took on that characteristic too yeah what is college like for you is drinking I mean you have a lot going on too with sharing that I mean is drink drinking a thing for you or not really a problem at this point? Not really a problem. Just it was on super random occasions. I kind of stopped smoking weed. I had my son at around 22 and that really changed everything for me. You know, I had told my husband, whatever you're doing, it can't come in the house kind of a thing. You've got to keep it out of the house. And I really always had these issues with like betrayal. I had a boy, a high school sweetheart that had cheated on me with a whole bunch of people.

And then my husband at that my son's dad had cheated on me and, you know, like told me about it. And that's what actually allowed me, or it gave me a door to get out. I didn't feel safe leaving him. And so that kind of gave me the door to get out of that relationship. But I witnessed like a lot of traumatic events during that time and just experienced a lot that was overwhelming. But no, I might have smoked weed here and there. But when my son was born, I cut that out pretty much too. Yeah. What's that like too? I mean, bringing your son into the world at 22 with it sounds like things are chaotic at some elements of your life here.

Yeah, I got super protective. And so I think that's really started that drift between my husband and I too because really he couldn't, I didn't want him in the house because all the stuff he was doing. So he was just gone all the time. And then yeah, I had, I guess I'll back up just a little bit. But around when I was 17 or. 18, I developed like a bulimia eating disorder. Again, it's, I think it was trying to fit in. You know, it was the like self-image thing. And then after having my son, I was like over-eating a lot. I got up to like 243 pounds. So I think I was coping that way. And it was just really high stress and anxiety all the time. Yeah. And you had mentioned too, like before we, you know, jumped on here too, that sort of the drinking, you know, getting out of control was further down the road, but that you look back and you can like relate to kind of struggling with other things before drinking became maybe the thing. Yeah, I would say like coping through lack of food or trying to control how

I looked, coping through overeating, coping through people pleasing, codependency, wanting to fit in. You know, those are all, I didn't learn this until I really got into recovery. But that these were all my coping skills that I was constantly using to fill except. or to lower my anxiety or whatever it was I was chasing at the time. Yeah. Yeah. Hindsight's a beautiful thing. What do you think it is when we're going through this stuff that prevents or prevented

you from maybe realizing it or maybe we do realize it, but maybe we're not ready to change it, like the codependency and the anxiety and everything you're going through? Because it's a very common story. Like I think that there is sort of the quote unquote red flags long before we take action to adjust our life or make changes. Any thoughts there? You know, I have thought about this because so during this time that I was with my child's father, I was going to school to become a therapist. It's really ironic.

And, you know, I was interning and working with other people. And I have actually thought about this recently. I just never took the time to slow down and dissect my own life, ever. I was just surviving, I think. You know, I was trying to figure out what to do for a career and hold all this stuff together and make a living and pay the bills and, you know, take care of, you know, when we had as daughters, I took care of them as well. So take care of all these kids when I'm really young, you know, and I don't know.

I just, I didn't even put it all together until recovery, really. Yeah, yeah. And I think that that's usually the way. It works a lot of the time, like as we grew it, kind of ask ourselves like, hey, Brad, didn't you notice what was going on? It's like, I would love to say that I did, but I think a lot of the times I had no idea, absolutely no idea of what was going on. Yeah. Yeah, I was totally clueless. You know, I was just literally surviving.

Yeah. How do you feel about yourself throughout this stretch? I mean, tired is probably one thing, but how do you feel, you know, on the inside? no i don't i just on a hundred all the time like anxious worried something bad's going to happen but still trying to like function and get through and get my degree you know and pay the bills just you know just a lot of anxiety i think yeah does living sort of two lives related all of like being a therapist doing intern doing college and then you get all this stuff and it's like oh man if these two i'm only thinking here just here

hearing a few minutes of your story, but if these two worlds collide, this isn't maybe going to make a whole lot of sense of everything. Is that relatable or no? Yeah, I was actually thinking about this. And I'll talk about my root in my Christian faith now in a while. But yes, I was thinking about that too because I was really trying to help people live a better life. Well, I'm living this mad chaos life, right? And I know that my son's father had got on probation for something at one point and I was working my way up as a therapist and I was a clinical manager so I was managing other therapists and his probation officer came to the clinic I was working at and I was like so embarrassed you know like so it did collide at one I was just like I wanted to

crawl on the floor and get out of there and you know so it's not a good look you should really be living how you're telling other people to live or how you're helping people or what you're speaking about you know So, yeah, that was very double-sighted. Yeah. And I think that, too, could probably weigh on sort of our consciousness of how things are and, you know, how things are, you know, in the front and how things are behind-the-scenes type of thing. So, I mean, where do you kind of go from there? So you kind of cruise it along here, moving up in your career.

Yeah. And then I, so I separated from my son's father. And then I ended up, here comes again, the codependency. issue. I ended up getting together and marrying a guy that was in the military and he was getting relocated to Colorado Springs. That's where I am now. And I decided to give up my career, relocate, bring my son, and move to Colorado Springs. He was much different. He, you know, he was very intelligent and had a great career and seemed like a great guy. But when we got relocated here, things started to slowly change. And so now, you know, all my family's in Washington. And so now

I'm kind of in this isolated situation, looking for a different type of career. And I ended up working as a civilian in law enforcement doing interviews for kids that are like 3 to 18 that are victims or witnesses to felony level crimes, mostly sex crimes, but other things as well. Wow. How did you get involved with that? Just like, something you wanted to do? Well, I was looking for something different to do. And when I first got here, I worked for adult protective services. And we did some co-investigations with law enforcement. And that's how I kind of segued into this job. I learned about it. And I was pretty interested in it. And when I was really young, I wanted to be a police officer, but I figured I had like ruined all of that, right? With

being who I had been married to and all of that. So that's kind of how I ended up there. Yeah. So what are you doing to look after yourself or like how are things outside of, you know, that relationship looking and work? My most recent ex-husband drink a lot, like daily. So he was drinking a half a fifth to a fifth a day. And I didn't think it was unnormal for some reason, but he never acted off.

And I don't know if that's a military thing. They just build a really high tolerance sometime. But I started to drink more in that relationship. And then so besides drinking, like a lot, the drinking starting a lot more often and a lot heavier, I was just, you know, going to all my son's sports games. He was a multi-sport athlete. So just being involved really by myself with everything he was doing and working. and that's it really yeah so the drinking kind of gets started when you move to Colorado Springs

or like more you know drinking more yeah for sure yeah just in that normalized a lot of people share of that too like the normalization of it right just like after work or a long day or just kind of creeps in here and there and things maybe just elevate or escalate from there yeah you have any thoughts early on of like hey i'm drinking too much or No. You know, I just thought that's what everybody did to relax. You know, it wasn't really part of my earlier life, but no, it just kind of became the norm and I wasn't concerned about it. Yeah. Did you have anybody growing up that drank a lot or no? Like family or hear anything of it, a vet that's friends in the family. Be careful. Nothing like that or yeah. So my dad, I'm not going to label him, but he has definitely had. issues with drinking and blackouts and doing some strange things.

But even when I have gone through this like recovery process, he would say, well, I was never as bad as you. I didn't have to go to rehab or, you know, things like that. I'm like, well, you did some really crazy stuff too, though, you know. But that's for him to, for him to deal with process. Yeah, it's near impossible to convince anybody else to, you know, to get sober. where do you go from there? So you're working this new job and things going well in the relationship too or not really when you moved. Do things change a little bit you mentioned there? Yeah. So things started to change. He kind of just wanted to do his own thing. It was really important for me to have like a family unit. If I'm going to leave my career and bring my son out here. And this was all, you know, discussed prior. Like you've got to like come to sports games and be involved. And he just wasn't.

involved in anything. And he would do, like if I did anything to upset him, he would just not talk to me for three days, five days. The longest time was two months. Like literally, if I was sitting here talking to him in a room, he would just act like I wasn't sitting there. So things like that were occurring. And I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong during that relationship, but nothing that warrant that. Yeah. Looking back, how do you think you get to a spot where like this stuff feels acceptable or like kind of makes sense, you know?

Because I think like looking back, I get the sense anyway. It would be like, oh, my, I'm not getting involved in any of this type of stuff again. But at the time, it kind of seems like it just, that's the way it kind of played out. And you mentioned too, like things changed when you made the move. And any thoughts there? because I think there's a lot of people that are probably in dynamics of, you know, maybe wondering at times, like, is this really where I should be with things? Yeah, I think I just, I always wanted to be, and it goes back to that codependency piece that I've

just, you know, learned in sobriety is I just wanted to be accepted, I think, you know, and I just wanted like a family and something healthy. And so now, like, I know where my standards are and what's acceptable and what's not. but then I did not. I was just willing to accept whatever, you know, and at the cost of my emotional state, my family, you know, my life, really. Yeah. Was it a couple of years before you were separated and then married again?

Like a year and a half, probably. Yeah. So pretty quick. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I mean, for everybody, it's a little bit different. I mean, I guess that, you know, that probably can. work out and then for other people it might be like hey looking back like hey we move pretty quick

on that one in the move was big too and everything what's the next highlight of of the story you know for this relationship and where you're headed yeah so my son and my husband like when we were here in colorado weren't getting along like they did not have a good relationship he and i were drinking more my son started actually like moving his stuff out. He was like in middle school, beginning of high school to his best friend's house. He was staying there more and more. I didn't want to be at home anymore. So I would like try to figure out reasons to not go home. It was just like going home to walk on eggshells and I didn't like it. So that's when I would start drinking on my way home, you know, or stopping and sitting, like, at a, I don't know, there's just a little

lake place and just, like, drank and sat there as long as I possibly could before I was going home. And so the drinking just got worse and worse. And I just, I don't know, I was scared to leave for financial reasons. And I should have, you know, what I should have done is just walked away from that situation, but I didn't. And I started. I started. to have, well, I had a really big blackout and something kind of negative happened that involves somebody else. So I don't want to speak about that per se, but that's what led me to my first detox. And so I went to detox. And when I, I did like a four or five detox, five day detox. And then went out to a four-month IOP out in the community. And I want to say I started drinking

before I got out of IOP and just didn't get caught. So I went because my family wanted me to go. And I can remember sitting on the couch saying, I'll be able to drink normally. So this is where that mine, you know, like the, this is where all that starts. I'm building this physical dependency on alcohol now. I'm getting real sick if I don't drink it.

But I still, and like this is where like things really start to go south for me. I'm like, I just had, I was so convinced that I'd be able to drink like a normal person. I had done it for so many years. Yeah. So that's, yeah, thanks for sharing that too. That's one of the things I think that confuses so many of us is, hey, we were able to do it, you know, at one point, one time or another, it wasn't all disastrous. So of course, we're going to be able to get back to that point.

It sounds like, too, like you're just drinking and things are ramping up a little bit and then now you're going to detox. I mean, you're needing to do a detox. from the drinking. And it sounds like at this point, too, you've connected the dots. I mean, drinking relieves discomfort pain, emotional pain. It's helping you in one way or another. Or it feels like it is. Like I think when we look back, we say, oh my goodness, I mean, I don't know that it really was helping us at this point, but it feels like it is. It's numbing things. We don't really have to face reality. What's like the middle ground there is this sort of ramps up? And you said your family

was onto it too. So people like notice what is that like things just ramping up and things being fairly normal than in detox? Are we talking a couple of years here or three months? I want to say like I was drinking like that more consistent drinking starting over a couple of years. And then all of a sudden I had like this it came out of nowhere almost. I don't really know how to explain it. I just had this physical dependency and I had a blackout and I had never blacked out like that. And then I was having withdrawal symptoms all of a sudden. Like I was trying not to drink, but I couldn't deal with the withdrawal symptoms. Yeah. Was that something you knew with alcohol was a possibility that you'll go through withdrawal and it could be deadly? I had no idea. At that time, zero. And when I worked

in mental health, I didn't work on the addiction side of things, right? So you don't get training in that. And yeah, I had zero idea. Yeah, I think that's pretty common. I don't think that most people know that their alcohol and benzos are two of the things that you withdrawing from. I mean, if you're drinking, you know, whatever, everybody, I'm sure it's different. I don't think there's a set standard of X amount of drinks equals that, but that you can actually die from the seizures of, you know, withdrawal, which, yeah, I don't think many people. know like going into all of it.

It's so interesting that point you, what you mentioned there too because that is a common trend is people don't really know when the cucumber turned to a pickle. They don't really know. And that's why I think it's important

for people that are still drinking. Like everybody's got their own quest is that you don't or they won't know when that's going to happen either. Like I don't think that there's this big sign on the highway that says, okay, your next drink, this is going to be more of a problem and your tolerance is going up and you're going to have a physical dependency

to this and, you know, that there's no warning sign necessarily that's flashing in our face that, hey, this is going to be leveled up a little bit here soon. I mean, was it surprising to you? Like, were you wondering, like, I wasn't drinking that much or hasn't been that long or people who experience this, I mean, they're living this way like the movies. not the way I'm living. Yeah, and I think, yeah, I was so confused. And then I didn't want to accept it either. I also was trying to keep it under wraps because, you know, at this point, I'm working

and as a civilian in law enforcement. So all I have is police officers and detectives around me all day. And so I don't, you know, there's a culture there that doesn't talk about substance issues. And so you don't want to be the one, you know. That's what I felt like anyway. didn't want to be outcasted there either, right? Or I didn't want to talk about what was going on. I did tell my supervisor, though, at the time that I went to detox and IOP, but I just kind of really kept things underwrap for the most part. So yeah, I didn't want to accept it. I didn't

want to say I was an alcoholic. I didn't think I was an alcoholic. Even withdrawing and going to detox, I was like, I'm not an alcoholic, but I was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had a police officer on the podcast that was maybe a year or so ago. And it was really insightful to, yeah, just how, yeah, I mean, there's a big resistance to talking about, you know, the struggle of alcohol. But it kind of fits in, right? I mean, alcohol is so accepted, right? Like, it's the drug that if you're not taking it, people can look at you, like, kind of strange, right? But if it, but if it's other, it's like, yeah, man, thumbs up, good job. But alcohol is just that one that, you know, you can still drink and you can have these jobs and it's okay you just can't drink on the job but you can keep

everything else going so yeah i mean that paints a good picture of why you know keeping it quiet makes a lot of sense right and even when i would go into like when i went to detox or iop i wouldn't talk about where i worked or what i did because again i was trying to protect all of that plus i didn't think i had a problem at that point but yeah it just got worse and worse So you do the first IOP and then you're drinking before that's even done. And it's kind of like that same theme I'm picking up. Like there's two lives going on here, right? Yes.

There's this forward facing life. And then there's this other one going on in the background, right? Doing people pleasing. And you probably were a great student too, I'm guessing of the IOP. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

And that's where things got really bad. I will say my husband at the time stopped drinking because he was so concerned about my drinking. And he even talked about, like, he just did it at home, but he even, like, spoke about having some withdrawal symptoms. So that's how much he was drinking. But then that's when I started to hide my drinking. Yeah. And I mean, anyone that knows in the weirdest places, you can't find your shooters or I started drinking boots or whatever. And I'd be like, well, I only need six. And six somehow turns into 12. and then, you know, that's just how it goes. But I can't hide.

Go ahead, I'm sorry. Just wondering, what were you drinking? Was it vodka? So I was drinking tequila, but I think that was making me, like, upset. So then I switched to whiskey, and then I drank pretty much whiskey. My son and I joke about things now, and he said I should be, like, the rep person for Jim Bean, because I was, like, always, you know, drinking. that was it bottom shelf yeah yeah it was bad and then if I at the end if I wanted to really drink a lot

I drink like 99 banana because it was higher proof or whatever you know so yeah yeah yeah and so you hiding it I mean in that I think that's the spot where people find themselves too is if everybody's on to it right your parents are on to it your husband at the time is on to it he's making commitments to not be drinking, but you're not quitting or not wanting to quit or whatever is going on there, not able to quit. You don't want everybody on your back. So it's like that retreat into, you know, hiding things and trying to keep it together. And I think there's a lot of shame that builds up in that phase of this, right?

Because it's, I think at that point, too, like, I mean, share your experience with it for sure. but I think a lot of people that are there, they don't want to be drinking anymore. It's not something you're just like, yeah, this is a blast. I'm having so much fun. Wow. You know, look at me go. They don't want to, but a way out feels so far away or maybe impossible at times. Yeah, and I think it goes back to like just the insanity of like getting out of it through a detox,

thinking every time I left treatment or detox or went into treatment or detox, I believed I was never going to drink again, except for the last time I went. I thought my like, you know, I thought I was doomed and I was never going to get out of it. So I think it just goes back to the insanity of like, oh, I think I can just have one drink and be normal. Well, for me, when I have one drink, I'm not stopping drinking until I go to detox again. It's just not going to happen. And I know that. But I went through that cycle so many times.

And yeah, there's a ton of shame. I was completely embarrassed. How did I get here kind of a thing? You know? Like, what am I doing with my life? Why can't I break this? Why am I weak? That's been a big thing.

I don't want to be perceived as weak. So why am I so weak right now? Why can't I pull myself out of this? Yeah. Did you ever try to go to meetings or anything? I mean, after you leave the IOPP or anything, did they say, you put smart recovery, 12 step, to celebrate recovery, anything?

Or no? Of course, they made those recommendations. But I didn't think I had a problem at that time. And so I wasn't going. I did go to AA in between my last two sets of treatment. Found out that's not really the place for me. But I would go. Like if I had an urge to want to drink, I would go today.

I know, you know, it's a great place. It's just not what kept me sober. Yeah. So you mentioned to me before too. Like, I mean, there was 14, but then it was hard to keep track of all of the, you know, all of the different interventions. Like how does this come about? I mean, is this your family kind of intervening?

Or is this you deciding? Like, I need to go back and get some support. Or is it that the bottom is going to really completely fall out? Like, how do you kind of get wrapped up in that cycle? I think like 2023 was that first detox, beginning of 20203 was that first detox in IOP. And I was kind of battling with myself. And then I went to like a 21 day residential treatment like May of 2024. And I decided like I was going to separate from my husband.

I couldn't stay in that environment anymore. But I was kind of in and out of detox. Maybe it was pushed by family. Maybe I just so it could be either or. There were times that I decided I needed to go because I couldn't get through the withdrawal. And so I think what's really. really important though is like during this drinking phases too my morals ethics and values went out the window so i really like valued the fact that i had a good i was a good person prior to drinking and i had good

intentions always kind always loving caring i wanted to always do the right thing i know i didn't make good decisions with the people i put around me sometimes but i was always making trying to make the best decisions and i just stopped caring when I was really drinking like that. And I just did they, you know, I hurt a lot of people through that process. And there's a lot of shame that comes with that as well. Yeah.

A lot. Yeah, and I think it can almost dig the whole little bit deeper of already what feels so hard to get out of and now other things are piling on top of it. Can we ever turn this around and, you know, come out, change person or, you know, making different choices. Does your son pick up on how much you're drinking? Is that impacting his life as well?

Yeah. So when I separated from my husband and started that divorce process, we got our own place. And I thought that was going to be the cure for my drinking. Like that was the problem. But no, my son knew. My son stopped going to his friends. So the good thing was he liked the home environment. He didn't need to just be gone all the time.

So that changed some things for him. But he knew the moment I drank. He really became the parent and I became the child in this situation. He would take my keys and my wallet away at times. We would get in arguments over that. I would end up walking to the liquor store because he would take my stuff. And I mean, you could just, if there's somebody that wants to drink, nobody's going to control that. you know, so I'm going to figure out how to drink, whatever.

So it was really hard on him. And then at one point, so last May is really when things got bad. I worked in an on-call position and I ended up getting called out. And I was so intoxicated that I don't even remember getting the phone call to go or really being there. I remember like two 10-second flashes of being at work. And then they let me drive home, which they probably shouldn't have done. And then I got called basically, like, like to get off call because they knew I was drinking and it started this internal affair investigation.

So now I have, you know, I blacked out when to work like that. Now I have this like internal police investigation while you're working there. It's a lot of pressure. My fault, completely my fault, right? Yeah. But I put people I work with in a bad situation that I don't, I think they had consequences too. And I feel really bad about that, you know. But through that, then I started having these three and four day blackouts.

So I went to detox right after going to work like that, got out, stayed sober for like two weeks or something, was still going to work while they were like doing their investigation, relapsed again, had like a three or four day blackout. Well, I ended up driving on train tracks. I don't know how or why. But I came out of the blackout to like the police coming. Well, like my truck got stuck. But I was on them, not like going across them, like driving on them. And like got arrested. I don't remember a lot of that, but I know my behavior during that arrest was horrible.

And that the following day, I thought I could drive my truck. I went to the tow yard to go get my truck and thought I was going to drive it home. I had no tires left, you know. It was completely totaled. And I'm just, that should be enough, right, to make you stop drinking. Like to see it in that condition and that you were driving and what you went to jail and then got out the next day type thing? Well, it was just like they just, it was a servant release. They didn't actually like, so it's still like an arrest because I don't know.

They don't like, they didn't put me in a jail cell or anything. I had to call my son that my son was at work and he had to come get me. here's another issue he's dealing with, you know. And then I went to like a 60 day inpatient and that was the first most impactful in patient treatment. So this would have been last June and July. And it was pretty eye-opening. They really did some like deep work there, kind of started to unroot all of this stuff that was going on for me. I did, oh, the day after the DUI, I did call my supervisor to quit because I was like, there's no way between showing up to work intoxicated and this DUI, well, somebody hiring the chain of command had called and said, don't quit.

Like, just come back to work. So I wish I would have just quit because that Internal Affairs investigation really put up. It was a lot. But I did like the 60 days of treatment, learned a lot, got out, went right back into that interview for that internal affairs investigation, which some other stuff came out through that like again my morals values and ethics were out the window yeah i was seeing this cop when he was on duty somehow they found out all that comes out i had no idea they knew about all that and i just started a this is a whole other series of relapse was suicidal and i wanted to shoot myself on i've never been suicidal in my life i wasn't going to

go out by like taking pills and maybe waking you up. So I was trying to find guns in the house. My son had removed them. I get put on these mental health holds. You know, they put you in the, like you had to go to the hospital. Twice, yeah. And I have a, that is a horrible process in my opinion and there's really no treatment in there at all. At the hospital? For the, on the, on the 72-hour mental health holds. No. Yeah. No. And then I was just like in and out of detox. And I was only going to detox because my son and one day I had come home and I couldn't have like a door pad lock on the front door and I couldn't remember the code and I think I was so intoxicated. I just went to sleep on

my porch and my son came home and found me like that and CPS gets involved now, child protective services. Because you know he called the police because he couldn't wake me up and all this stuff. So then they come in and they have him go stay with his friends and, and, you know, he's called the police. And, move him out of the house. Wow. So there's more shame. I'm doing this all to myself, though. You know, I think it's really important to take that responsibility, but I can also say I just could not get out of the drinking.

I don't, the shame is heavy. I can't believe I destroyed my life. There's no way I'm making it out of this. It's impossible. Like, I don't want to live anymore. I've just completely destroyed everything. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I think that there's an element, too, of, like, taking responsibility is important. But I think there's also the element of, like, hey, drinking is that dangerous? Like, you're lacking out, not remembering things and doing this stuff. And not to say that, you know, blaming alcohol is probably not going to get us to where we want to go. But I think that's at play as well, too, about it's changing you as a person. It changes your brain chemistry. It changes the way your nervous system is functioning. You're constantly in fight or flight.

You've been living like that. It sounds like for a lot longer than just the drinking. So everything is just sort of out of whack. Your stress tolerance and your ability to flex and stretch and, you know, everything internally is impacted, you know, by the alcohol too. Stuff. I mean, all of this is happening in a couple of years. Yeah.

Yeah. What are people around you saying? Like beyond your son? Like, are your family picking up on this, friends? Like, what does anybody else say? Are you in another relationship? relationship or now or just on your own at this point in dating or I was so we it was just me and my son here because we don't have family here so my family knew from afar and they were concerned you know but my son would also protect me too like if I could try and pull myself out of the drinking then he wouldn't tell them and I'd ask him like don't tell them you know I put him in a lot of really rough situations in my opinion and you know I dated I love yeah I knew like so I've always been a Christian, but what I didn't realize is I was not living a Christian life.

And so I would try to go to church through this time and, you know, I would go with super withdrawing, like withdrawing, or maybe I even had to take a shot or two at times before I went, which is totally horrible, just to like get to a baseline. And I had decided, like, oh, I'm only going to date Christian people. And I had dated a couple really good people with my drinking, like, kick them. they're like, I can't do this, you know? Like, this is crazy. And so, yeah, that didn't really work out, but I was still seeing that person that I shouldn't

have been seen, which was a big trigger for my drinking too. Yeah. So again, that was issues that I talk. Now what I say is like I had issues with lust, but it wasn't lust. It was want for connection, which now in my like recovery and in my Christian faith, being celibate is such a protection for me. Not only is it like something I, you know, God put on my heart to do, but later after I made that decision, I realized, oh, that's actually a protection, you know. Yeah. So you go to this last, to this other treatment, you mentioned for 60 days too, right? And

you got a lot, a lot of work done below the surface. Yeah. But then kind of going back, like, Like, what is it like, though? Like, what is that like when you're doing this, you know, detox or this rehab? And then, you know, two weeks later, you're drinking again. Like, what do you kind of, you know, think is going on there? Because, I mean, this isn't unique to you. It's not unique to me. There's a lot of people who do a lot of good stuff and, you know, really give it a go.

But then a couple weeks later, they find themselves drinking again. And sometimes they're like, I don't know what happened. I mean, I could say for me, I had identified like this person. person in my life that was a trigger. So the people places things, right? I needed to remove somebody and I didn't remove them. And I knew I needed to. I don't, I just think I hadn't like come to terms with like my unhealthy codependency issues or seeking validation or I don't really know. You know, I still, again, like kind of what you're saying, I can't really answer stupidity, you know, really is what it was. And I think going right into that Internal's Affair interview, like the day after I got out or whatever,

and they knew things I didn't know they knew. And that's really intimidating. I mean, you have, I mean, they are detectives interviewing you, you know. I'm like, just all of that. I think just coming right back out to all of those things was not a good makeup for, again, I picked up, right? I totally picked up. But it wasn't a, I didn't have a good set environment for me to, really be successful, I don't think. Yeah, yeah. And the other thing, too, like when you moved out, it's kind of like wherever you go, there you are, you know, whether it might take a little bit of time for the rest of, you know, the bags to show up. But it's, I think it's the truth time and time again that, you know, switching our location or just doing this or that, you know, is not going to

be the answer to all of our problems. I mean, walk us through kind of the day, you know, before you you quit for where you're at now. So I had, so that 60 day treatment, I get out, I'm starting to drink again. I think I went to like detox three times before I went back to that same place for treatment for, I did another like 37 days there. But when I went in that time, I went in thinking, I'm never going to beat this. There's no way I'm ever going to be able to stay sober. I've tried and tried.

And something changed in me when I was in there. this time. So I went because I think my son was like said something along the lines of like, I'm not going to talk to you anymore if you don't go. So that prompted me to go. I didn't want to go though at all. And when I was in there, I really just, so the first 60 days I did, I had started like reading the Bible and praying and took out non-Christian music. So this time I did that as well. and it just started building. Like God started to shift something internally for me. So for me, my faith is why I'm sober.

Like, Christ is why I'm sober. And I know for everybody it's something different, but for me, that's what created a change. Like before, when I would just, like, flip open the Bible and read a verse or something, but now I'm, like, reading through and I'm learning, like, how I'm supposed to be living, how I'm supposed to be treating other people,

completely shifted my worldview. and changed my life. Wow. Was that a foundation of this program? No. They, I mean, they do talk about spirituality there, no matter if it's like nature, God, whatever it is as being like a foundation of your recovery. They built, they did.

How I actually got connected to your podcast was because they talked about the six disciplines. And I built, I started using these disciplines when I went into. for the first 60 days. And it was like morning prayer or meditation, a daily podcast or a daily sober podcast or reading. And so that's how I got into the podcast. And then I found yours. And that's still a part of what I do every day today.

So I just started building this discipline. So between the faith and building this real serious structure of how I live my life is really what has gotten me into recovery and kept me in recovery. Yeah. And when was that? Like, when was it that you quit drinking? October 10th of 2025. Wow. Great job. You know, we kind of get to this point. I feel like in a lot of stories and you're kind of, I don't know, maybe sitting on the edge of our seat here of like, hey, we're going to, this is going to be this miraculous kind of thing. And I mean, it is in its own way. But I don't think it ever is the way that maybe we envision it. You know, like I don't know that it's as common. complicated as sometimes it feels because it hasn't worked out. So many times it's like the solution to this has just got to be out of this world.

There must be some secret out there that I just haven't come across yet. And then, you know, you hear these stories and you've heard them too, is that it's really just, you know, trying another thing or having a different perspective or like you said, you know, plugging into your faith. And did you grow up with, you know, going to church and all that stuff too? just like on holidays it wasn't you know my family was definitely like believers but it wasn't something deep rooted to like where that's everything in my life comes from that now but i mean so i was exposed to it but not like how i live now and so really my transition now is like finding that community you know but the place that i went to for that last treatment took us to a recovery based church and that church is just like about the misfits of society. They want to help anybody and everybody who's an outcast.

So it doesn't matter like what, where you're coming from, you know, you're welcome there. And that was, you can find that in treatment, right? You need to feel welcome somewhere. A.A. N.A. wherever, you know, it's what you're looking for, I think, when you're looking for recovery or a lot of people are looking for. Yeah. A community of some sort. I mean, when do you get this sense that things are shifting? Like, was it in the treatment stay or after? Because you tell me, you've got, well, we've both got a little bit of experience with it. But it's a bubble. I mean, staying 31 days, you know, sober, out on a ranch or wherever it is.

Some people, they get to go to the beach and get massages and play pickleball. Like, I don't know if that's the biggest challenge in the world. Coming home and leaving in life, like you mentioned before, right? I mean, I think that's the reality for a lot of people. we've been living this way of life, right? Maybe reckless, you know, making, maybe making poor decisions, right? While we're in sort of that addiction, when we leave treatment, you know, a lot of that stuff is probably waiting for us, right?

And for everybody's life, it could look different. Then your first kind of stay there when you got out, you know, things were waiting for you. When you get out your second time, how do you go about things differently in that phase of your life, you know, looking back? Yeah, well, I built a really good structure while I was there. They had a gym, so I'd get up at five and go to the gym. You know, and then, you know, I'd pray. I'd carry that structure into my home life. So every morning, I go to the gym and I lift weights and I pray, I listen to scripture, I do reflective readings. I get on the treadmill and I read the Bible every morning before I go to work now. I also knew, though, I had to develop a new purpose for my life because, I wipe myself out in my career, right? So finding my purpose in figuring out what I was going to do and working towards that. And just, I mean, it really is about for me being rooted in my faith, like changing everything that I do and living and coming from a place of like just wanting to be as pure as I could possibly be and as good as I can possibly be.

And I know that drinking, the first thing that's gone is my relationship with God. And the second thing that's gone is the gym. And the gym is the other thing that just clears my mind, you know, and helps me to be healthy every day. Yeah. How do things feel and look like with your son now on this side of things? Yeah. He's amazing. He's such an amazing human. I give him the space to talk about whatever he needs to talk about with no judgment ever. So if he needs to bring up something that happened in the past with my drinking, then I just let him talk about it. I take ownership for it. And one day we were sitting down and I had said to him like, you know,

if somebody asked me if I could go back and take this away, would I, like, undo all of that? And I would say yes, because of the people that I hurt along the way, but no, because there's no way I would know Christ like I do. And he said he wouldn't take it back either. and he said it made him the man that he is today. And I was really shocked to hear that. He's just really loving and caring, you know. And we talk a lot about generational trauma and what he's been exposed to.

And like, how do we prevent you from being codependent? How do we prevent you from having addiction? How do we prevent you from having negative coping skills? And really just talking through all that, you know, but hopefully that's just not a life that he chooses for himself. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, I mean, it's definitely sounds like it's brought you the two of you closer together. What do you do now? I mean, what does life look like for you now? I mean, you're pursuing this purpose that you kind of left us on a cliffhanger there of like what that might be. And I mean, how do you that? And I'm also curious too, like the shame and everything that you went through with the jobs and the relationships and the consequences of the way that you were living.

How do you begin to heal or to move past or, you know, continue to work on that or, you know, that reality too? So I had started working, like having that mental health background and having a master's, I knew I could apply that into addictions counseling. But I also know, like, I need some time, right? I don't want to, not going to just be going in there at six months for me, you know. And so I started working towards like the licensing requirements. for addiction counseling. And I actually just submitted everything to the state. I'm still not sure if that's where I want to, where I'm going to end up.

But I want to open that door. And then I ended up becoming a health and wellness coat. So I help people like lose weight and do body recomposition. I didn't even know like this job existed. And it actually really coincides with addiction. The whole, I see all the same stuff. It's just a different coping skill. And then I've also been through that process myself, losing like 90 pounds.

And being able to give back there right now is a great thing. Well, I'm kind of working through wherever God wants to place me, whether it's an addiction treatment, like drug and alcohol treatment, or somewhere else. Like if he wants me somewhere I'm not even thinking about, that's where I'm going to go. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool to potentially give back and help others. I mean, what would you say to somebody, too, that, like, is considered,

starting or maybe they're just struggling to put the pieces together for their life. Create discipline and structure. I think that people, I mean, I know that drugs, like when you're looking at drugs versus if you separate drugs and alcohol, there's a quicker progression with harder substances, but I consider myself an addict because all of those behaviors that I had are just the same as any drug. It just progress. lower. But I feel like addicts thrive in structure. Like we need structure to be successful. And so building some type of structure, not giving up. Like, I don't, that's like, what, 17 times-ish that I like went in and out of detox and or treatment. And if I would have gave up on number 16, then I

wouldn't be sober today. If I didn't try something different, I wouldn't be sober today. I picked up pieces all along the way, right? I learned something here and there until it all just kind of came together and I was able to, like, get into a good place. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's a good point to hammer home there is, yeah, you have to keep trying. I think that it says humans. I think it's just a human nature, human experience.

They were so hard on ourselves if we set out to achieve a goal and it just doesn't work perfectly the first time. Oh my gosh, I'm such a failure and it will never work and this is impossible and it's it can happen. You just have to, you have to keep going and sometimes falling down is part of it. Like it's very rare for people just to figure this all out on the first time. It does happen. But it's a lot of the times like I think what you described, you know, learning a little bit here, learning a little bit there. In making those changes. Does it, does it, or did it, or did it or maybe does it surprise you to where this all ended up because it feels like I'm I feel like we're only hearing a little part of the story just because of the time we have like you know that's

one element but I feel like this really picked up speed like fast and was like big impacted your life big time it did and it's hard still so I mean and there's things I didn't talk about like you know I had multiple three four five day blackouts I was waking up in the middle of parks, like just crazy stuff, you know? Yeah. Just really dangerous stuff. And, you know, I slow down sometimes and I look at where I'm at and I'm so grateful. Like, I should probably be dead, like, honestly, you know.

And I'm so grateful for where I'm at. I'm disappointed in myself still, though. So I'm still dealing with some of that shame and disappointment. Yeah. And, you know, I run into people that I worked with and all I can do sometimes. this feel like, oh, this is what they're thinking about me. There's that girl that, you know, like drove on the train tracks. There's that girl that showed up to work drunk. There's that girl that was doing, you know, whatever. And I had that ran into somebody the other day. And like, for me,

like, God was like, pick up your head and walk forward. Like, that's not you anymore. You don't have to carry that, you know. So it's just trying to, like, come to terms with the fact of that's not who I am and I'm just going to keep stepping forward. Yeah. Well, I mean, at the end of the day, that's all we really can do. I mean, I don't know if anybody that can go back and change the way things were, but, you know, do the best we can today and show up and do the best we can tomorrow and show up when it comes. Because we can get lost in everything we should have done and could have done like that will. I've been there and it drives me just bonkers. Like, man, I always say I took the long way home. Eventually, I got home. I just took the long way. I should have listened to my parents. you know, but I didn't. I chose not to. But I'm with you.

Like, the level of gratitude is just, I don't think people who don't go through this. I don't know. Maybe they experience it, but I don't know if they do. Like, I think you go through some shit in life and it just makes you appreciate if you're able to get out of it and make changes. You appreciate the little stuff that as crazy as it is. I never noticed. I never noticed before.

I never noticed how beautiful the world actually is and all of these things in it and the people in it and the stories in it. And I never noticed anything. I was just so consumed with myself. And I didn't even see it. And then you go through some stuff and now you appreciate it. It's pretty cool, you know? No, I would totally agree with that. There's no way I would have the amount of gratitude that I have without going.

through what I went through the way that I want to treat other people and but I also have a different respect for myself you know I've just come a long way and I know what boundaries are need you know I need to keep things healthy for me but yeah what to what you're saying too like a blade of grass even I could really I've had this thought one day when I was walking of like when I was drinking I didn't notice anything you know and now I can look at a blade of grass or a tree or the mountain and be like, wow, like, that's really green. Or I would have never have noticed that flower that I just walked by, you know, if I was drinking or whatever.

So, yeah, the appreciation for the small things. Yeah, yeah, I'm with you. What was your inspiration for reaching out and jumping on here and sharing your story? Your podcast really helped me. Even when I was like in and out of drinking, I listened sometimes. and like, wow, that person's story was really rough, you know, but they came back. And so it always plants this little seed of hope of like, maybe I can make it out of this. And then as it became a discipline for me, it's something I listened to every morning.

It just, I was, I just felt like I wanted to give back or, you know, also talk about an alternate way that we don't hear about a ton on fear, like through finding your faith, maybe. And it could be any spirituality. like for me it's Christ and that's a way out too and finding a really good recovery-based church and seeing if that's what somebody needs maybe you know and I think also just normalizing all this crazy behavior that I had because I thought I was the only one doing all these crazy things but hearing other people's stories and that all these other people did all these you know off-the-wall things like I knew I wasn't alone in that yeah yeah and I feel like that can help us with healing moving forward that we're not alone and you know like this thing takes over and when we do

things that we wouldn't normally do and yeah there's weirdness in it and there's blackouts in it and yeah yeah and that's great you know i mean for you know for people finding what works that's the most important thing right like find what works i feel like sometimes we might try to just do the thing over and over again because it works for other people and we're just like if we're not doing it that way we're doing it wrong like we can't be this simple or it can't be this, it can't be that. And we listen to everybody else says, and we end up just spinning tires

because we truly, I think, at our core, don't connect with whatever it is that everybody else is telling us works so well. Like it might for them and that's cool. But finding our lane I think is so important and maybe looking outside of the box sometimes is important as well. Yeah, I would agree.

And I tried. And I, you know, I can remember one day I went to five meetings in a day because I thought I was going to relax. which I relapsed pretty shortly after that. But that's just, you know, I would go there if I needed immediate support today, you know, but that's just not what it was that got me into recovery and kept me in recovery. Yeah.

And like that's cool for everybody. I mean, whatever works for it's like, yeah, it's all good, you know. Like, yeah, it's all good. Well, Jess, thanks for hanging out. Yeah, thank you so much. Incredible job on, you know, where things were for you. and how far you've come, and then you seem to be doing really well. Well, thank you.

Anything that you want to mention for closing? Just whoever's struggling, you know, don't give up. Just try one more time. Yeah, beautiful. Love it. Well, there it is another incredible story here on the podcast. Thank you, Jess, for being a listener of the show. And also being willing to jump on here and share your story with us all. It's really those full circle moments that, I don't know,

maybe make all of this worth it in one way or another connecting with other people that the podcast has helped stay on the journey or start the journey of sobriety a lot of people share that story though they start listening to the podcast before maybe they make that big jump and it's helping them just get their mindset ready just to see that things are possible for other people and potentially it could be for them too so great story wishing you nothing but the best thank you to everybody who's listening. And if you enjoyed this episode, let me know in the comments below.

And don't forget to follow or subscribe to the podcast wherever you list in Apple, Spotify, or YouTube. And I'll see you on the next one.