Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Sonya Johnson struggled with addiction for many years. She lived in a shed and was using daily before getting sober.

Episode Date: December 21, 2022

Sonya was introduced to substances at 11 years old and found that they worked well to help with the emotional pain she was feeling early on in her life. As time went on her addiction progressed to different substances and she found herself battling to keep custody of her kids. A knight in shining armour showed up at the shed that she was living in on July 1, 2019. It was not your fairytale type of knight in shining armour it was a police officer there to serve a warrant for her arrest. This was not her first arrest but hopefully her last. This was her turning point and this is Sonya's story on the sober motivation podcast.   Follow Sonya on Facebook Download the SoberBuddy App Follow SoberMotivation on Instagram Check out The United Recovery Project

Welcome back to season two of the Subur Motivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. Sonia was introduced to substances at 11 years old and found that they worked really well to help with the emotional pain she was feeling early on in her life. As time went on, her addiction progressed to different substances and she found herself battling to keep custody of her kids. A night in shining armor showed up at the shed that she was living in on July 1st, 2019.

It was not your fairy tale type of night in shining armor, though. It was a police officer there to serve a warrant for her arrest. This was not her first arrest, but hopefully it would be her last. This turned out to be the beginning of her journey to recovery. And this is Sonia's story on the Sober Motivation podcast. Sober Buddy has a brand new community section of the app. I can't wait for you all to check out the new live Zoom groups we are hosting two times per day. And you can also plug into the feed and private groups that are created by members of the Sober Buddy app.

So track your sober days and get connected with others all in one place. You do not have to do this alone. We are here to support you. And all of the community is there to support you as well. side of the Sober Buddy app. Stay anonymous or share your name. That part is up to you. Get support from other community members today.

Download the Sober Buddy app today in your favorite app store or head over to your Soberbuddy.com. I'll see you over there. Getting help for addiction is never an easy thing to do. And picking the right place to get help makes it even more overwhelming. That's why I've decided to partner with the United Recovery Project. I've had a chance to get to know some of the incredible people working at the United Recovery Project.

project over the years. And that is why this partnership makes so much sense. The United Recovery Project has a top-notch treatment facility and program. I truly believe in Brian Elzate, who is the co-founder and CEO and has 14 years clean. The properties themselves are beautiful with tons of amenities and activities. But most importantly, it's the level of care they offer. It's exactly what you would hope a family would receive in the staff who most of which are in recovery themselves truly care.

It's really apparent that they do their absolute best to create custom treatment plans to meet everyone's individual needs. If your loved one is struggling, reach out to them directly at 833551-0077 or check them out on the web at uRP recovery.com. Now let's get to the show. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. I've got my friend Sonia with us today. Sonia has an incredibly powerful story. This is a true overcoming the odds comeback story. And we're going to jump right into this.

You're for sure to love this one. Sonia, how are you doing today? Thank you so much for having me, Brad. I'm so excited to be here. I'm doing absolutely fantastic. It's a nice, warm, sunny day here in Florida. So good to be here. Awesome.

I love that. So take us back to the beginning. What was life like for you growing up? So when I was younger, I was born. My parents were married. I'm an only child. So I spent a lot of time, like at home alone when I was a kid. My parents were Sunday school teachers.

So I think I had this illusion in my head that like there was this perfect world that I lived in. And, you know, my parents would take care of me my whole life because I was very spoiled and entitled when I was younger. And then my parents divorced when I was eight years. old and everything changed after that. My dad wasn't really around as much and I went through like a series of traumas in my teenage years and that is where my drug addiction started. So when I was 11 years old, I was sexually molested by my mom's boyfriend. And that guy that molested me was the first person that

ever gave me a drug. So he gave me my first cigarette. He gave me my first joint. He gave me my first pill and he used that as a manipulation tactic to take advantage of me when I was younger. So the thing about it is like I was super confused because he gave me the attention and the affection that I wanted from a father. But that attention came with strings attached. And so the abuse continued for a little while. And finally, I broke down and told my mom about it one day. Well, it didn't really change anything.

So even though I had told her about it, You know, I just kind of felt like the whole thing got turned around on me. And so I started not wanting to be at home anymore. So I started hanging around somebody's house. Well, the house that I started hanging out with was the party house. And we just partied all day and all night. I mean, I would like to say we started on the weekends, but it was pretty much like an everyday type of thing. There was always people over there. You know, we were just young and wild and free and having fun. So I started dating the guy that lives at the party house. And within a few years, I got Well, I wound up losing the baby. And then just a few short months after that, the guy that got me pregnant passed away. And after he passed away, so he was like an alcoholic, right? And the night that he passed away, he took one and a half pain pills. It just so happened to be one and a half oxy 80s. We were young. Like we didn't have the knowledge back then that we have now. We didn't know like how strong everything was. We were just in that like experimental phase. So that actually he overdosed and died from that. Well, the next five years of my life, I spent in an abusive relationship because in those years, I was just like looking for love in all of the wrong places because I just wanted somebody to fill the boy that was inside of me. And so, you know, I spent the next five years after that in an abusive relationship. So that was really the beginning for me. It was just a series of traumas. And that's what led to my addiction. You know, I started using in my teenage years by the time I was

18, I knew that I was an addict. Wow. So a lot of stuff. happened in your life really early on. Yeah, it definitely did. And I think that's what fueled my addiction. You know, I mean, I started with the small stuff. And by the time, I remember actually very specifically, when I was 17 years old, was the first time that I ever did cocaine. My grandfather had passed away December 22nd, 2001. I'm aging myself now. And a few days after he passed away, it was the first time that I tried cocaine. and it was like falling in love. I mean, I remember everything about it. I remember the smells, the sounds, the people I was with, how I felt.

I mean, I just remember everything. And from then on, like, I just wanted to do more. And so that's where my addiction really started progressing. I mean, I was dabbling before that. But when I tried cocaine, I was immediately addicted. I just wanted to keep doing more. Yeah. What did it do for you that made it so enjoyable? Oh my gosh. I had energy. I was very talkative and social. I could get the cleaning done. And that's the thing, right? When you first tried drugs or alcohol or whatever, I mean, for me, it pulled me out of my shell. It made me feel like I fit in because in those years of the traumas that I went through, like I was looking for something to make me feel okay about myself. That's why I kept getting into the relationships. So when I did cocaine, it was like it just,

instantly filled that void. And I would, could just be this person that I wanted to be, but I just didn't have like the confidence and self-esteem to kind of be outgoing and bubbly and happy. But when I did cocaine, I did. And I could clean the whole house in just a couple of hours. And, you know, I didn't eat. And I had all this energy. So, you know, in the beginning, it was great. But it wasn't great for very long because it's only fun in the beginning. Eventually, very quickly, actually. it turns into this continuum of getting some, doing some, finding some, getting some, doing some, you know, and that's very quickly what it became for me too.

Yeah, it's that old saying, what goes up must come down. Yes, so true. Yeah, so it turns out it's like it solves a lot of our problems in the beginning and then it becomes the one thing that causes a lot more problems for us. And that's exactly what it did. So, you know, I started out with a cocaine when I was 17 years old. And I started getting in trouble by my 20s. I was smoking crack within a few years after that. And the abusive relationship that I was in. I was in an abusive relationship for five years. And that's when I started smoking crack with that guy. And, you know, I mean, when I first got with him, he was just so sweet. And he was everything that I thought I wanted in a man. He gave me all that attention and affection. Now I know that. That was love bombing. And we were in the middle of becoming into a trauma bond.

But I didn't know that back then. That's where the addiction, the crack use started was with him. And we started stealing for it and not eating for days and losing our apartments and not being able to keep a job. So all of the signs were there. And I was with that guy. I would say I was like, I don't know, 18 to 21, I would say or something like that. And that's, no, it was longer than that.

But anyways, that's really where it started. And that's when I knew that I was an addict. So did you finish high school or anything like that? Well, like when you first started? No. So I was in 10th grade. And I feel like maybe this also contributed to my addiction. I was in 10th grade.

I had just been abused or I was in the middle of the abuse with my mom's boyfriend. And I used to play basketball on the high school basketball. team, which I'm only five, too. So it's no wonder I didn't last in basketball, but I thought that I was cool, right? So I started doing, you know, smoking and doing weed. And I eventually got caught with the basketball team. So I got kicked off of the junior varsity team. And that was right around the same time that I was being sexually abused at home. So it was just, I didn't have any desire to continue going to school. I just wanted to do drugs. You know, it all kind of. of sort of happened for me all in the same period of a couple of years and it just started my

addiction off right away. Okay. So what about in your early 20s then? You're in this relationship. It's not going well. You're sort of upgrading your use in a sense to use different things. Like what's going on in your life in your early 20s? So the guy that I was with started isolating me, right? In the beginning, he was like love bombing me, we moved in together, and then he started isolating me from my family during the time that we're using. So that was also a tool that he used to isolate me and make me feel like I was a bad person because he would tell me things like that, that I was a piece to shit and nobody would ever love me. You know, and then he started physically abusing me. So that was really

what was going on during that time as I was just in this trauma bond abusive relationship, with this guy. Well, when I was, I want to say I was like 21 and my 20s are kind of foggy. So, but I was about 21 years old and we were stealing flat screen TVs from Walmart. Well, he got caught one day stealing TVs and I just didn't happen to be with him that day. By the grace of God, I wasn't with him that day. And he went to jail and he spent some time in jail. And I knew that this was the time that I needed to get away from him because he used to tell me that I would never be with anybody else. And I knew what he meant by that because he was just so, he was a psychopath, you know, he meant that he would kill me if I ever left him. So I knew that while he was

in jail, I needed to get out of there. And so a friend of mine went through a bad breakup the same time that I was going to break up with him. So we decided we were going to run away together. And that's what we did. We ran away to Georgia. That friend of mine is now my husband, you know, but we We ran away to Georgia and the plan was to stop doing drugs because like I said, I was in the middle of a pretty bad crack addiction. I was already pretty regularly taking pain pills. The plan was to not do drugs. Well, we get up there to Georgia and I did escape the abusive boyfriend, but the person that

we moved in with was out on bond for manufacturing methamphetamine. So instead of stopping the drugs, we switch substances. So I think in my 20s, I did a lot of trying other ways to manage my addiction, such as geographical changes, you know, switching substances, getting married and living happily ever after because that was the next thing that I did. So when we went up there, we got on meth and we were using it for a little while. And then I got pregnant. Well, I had lost a baby a few years before from my first boyfriend that passed away.

and I did not want to lose this baby, but I was using drugs. So I knew that I needed to detox off of the drugs. And so I decided that that's what I was going to do. I was going to detox and I was going to have this baby because I really wanted a baby. So that's what I did. I detoxed off of the drugs. I had my first born son in 2008. In 2009, I got married to the friend that I ran away with, who was my husband.

And then in 2010, I had my second born son. And so I thought getting married and living happily ever after would fix me, right? Like we see in the movies. I was going to be Cinderella and my night in shining armor had come. Well, so for a few years, I was like a stay-at-home mom. You know, I mean, he worked really hard. I stayed at home with the kids. I was in Georgia and I had no support network, right?

And when I looked back on that today, I'm like, no wonder I relapsed because I was up there with two very small children by myself with nobody there to help me. or, you know, babysitter or anything. It was just me, and he worked his ass off to take care of us. So I stayed up there for a while being a stay-at-home mom, and for a while it worked. But I wasn't happy. You know, even though I wasn't heavily using drugs, although I was smoking a little bit of weed and taking some pain pills, I wasn't heavily using drugs, but I just wasn't happy. We had gotten off the meth for a little while.

So what happened is about six years into being there, I came to visit my mom in Florida. Well, I ran into an old girlfriend of mine. she had my drug of choice, my cocaine addiction drug of choice. So I did cocaine with her. And it was the first time that I had done it in six years. And I'm like, oh my God, I've got to move back to Florida because I couldn't get any of that up there. So I told my husband that I missed my family and that I wanted to move back to Florida. So that's what we did.

Well, when I got back here, I was just off to the races. He didn't know that I was using cocaine yet. but he would soon find out. So I would go pick up. I had a job at the paper route. I think we talked about this before. Like the paper route was the perfect job for somebody who's on cocaine. Okay?

You could stay up all night long, throw papers. The cops know your car, so you're not going to get pulled over. I mean, it was literally the perfect job for somebody on cocaine. You know, I would pick up cocaine on the way to throw papers. Then I would throw papers all night. And then I would pick up more cocaine on the way home. and then I would come home and I would play Susie home at Gare. Well, it wasn't long before my husband caught me about the fifth time that he caught me.

He started doing it with me. Well, just a few months after that, because very quickly our life became unmanageable. We weren't able to function anymore. We started not being able to pay the bills, not being able to keep up with the house or the kids. Well, then I had a lady shove at my front door one day with two drug tests in hand. And so when she showed up, it was the department of children. and families. So I decided I was going to be honest with her, right? Because, you know, I wanted to be a good mom. I wanted to not do drugs, but I was in my addiction. So I decided to be honest with her. And she's like,

okay, I tell you what, since you were honest with me, I'm going to come back in 45 days. And if you can pass a drug test, then we will close your case in what they call not substantiated, which basically means that yes, something did happen, but not enough where we could take your kids away. So she came back in 45 days and I was ready for her. Not because I was clean, but because I had fake pee shuffed up inside of me and I was ready to fake a drug test. So that's what I did. I faked the drug test and she went away. They closed the case. Well, in my mind, now I'm like, oh, I got away with some shit. I'm smarter than you guys are. I can get away with using, you know, and that kind of messed me up because I started using heavier because I thought I had just gotten away with something.

Well, it wasn't five days later that I got into a fight in the middle of the road. Like the person I was with, we were in the vehicle. I jumped out of the vehicle while the vehicle was moving, got covered in blood from head to toe from jumping out of the vehicle. And then I got back in the vehicle because only me would get back in after jumping out. But anyways. So, and then we started fighting in the middle of the vehicle. the road. Well, the thing is, is that I had the kids in the backseat of the car. So an anonymous passerby, that's what they call it on the police report. And an anonymous passerby called the police.

And the police came, charges got put, got pressed. And then DCF department and children and families came back into my life. So when they came back into my life, it was they wanted me to do substance abuse classes. They wanted me to do parents in classes. I mean, they had this whole. whole list of stuff they wanted me to do and they called it a voluntary case plan, although there was really nothing voluntary about it because if I didn't do it, they were just going to take my kids away for me. So I tried. I tried to do the things they wanted me to do, but I wasn't actually clean. Like I was just trying to get away with it. You know, every time that I would go see him, I would have fake pee shoved up inside of me. Every time that they would come see me, I would have the

fake pee ready to go so I could put it inside of me and fake the drug test. Like I had a whole set. I had a whole system. I used to do a little pill bottle, like, you know, and then I would wrap aluminum foil around the top of it, put a rubber band around that, and then put it inside of me, pop my finger through it, and the pee would come out. No, I was golden. But, you know, they knew that I was faking. That was the thing. Even though, like, I was passing the drug test, I didn't appear to be somebody that was clean. I looked fucked up. I act fucked up. They knew I was fucked up. So they asked me to take a hair follicle test about six months into it. I knew that I was going to be screwed. So I was like, you know what? I'm just going to send the kids to live with my mom because if I

don't, then they could wind up going to foster care because I knew they were going to catch me. So I sent the kids to live with my mom and that was in 2014. So that's that was really the whole gist of my 20s because once that happened, it's it got really dark after that. Wow. That's a that's a lot going on there in a short period of time. How did they first get involved? Because you said that the lady just showed up like one day. Was there something that got that or involved with it in the first place? Yes, there was. I forgot to mention that. So my neighbor saw me hitting a crack pipe through the sliding glass window of my apartment. So we lived in like duplexes and she was in the duplex next to me. And she knew I had kids because we would kind of like hang out, let the kids

ride bikes in the little like, you know, parking area. And she saw me blazing up a crack pipe one day through the sliding glass window of my apartment. So that's how they originally got called. And when they showed up, like I said, I was honest with them, but I just wasn't ready to quit yet. Yeah. Gotcha. Looking back at that whole situation, because I know people have mixed feelings about an intervention such as that. What are your thoughts like reflecting back to that whole thing? Oh, man. I'm so conflicted about the way that I feel about that.

So maybe later we'll get into this part. But now I have learned so much more about the system when it comes to Department of Children and Families because of my new job. So for me, I feel like, you know, I don't like that my kids were taken away from but for me, I needed an intervention. And although that intervention wasn't a successful intervention, later on, and I'm sure we'll touch on this too, I did have a successful intervention. But, you know, the thing is, is when somebody has their children taken away, they hit this

just rabbit hole of shame and guilt. So it's so hard to come out of that. And for me, if it hadn't been for also the law intervening in my life, I don't think I would have been able to make it out. So I have super mixed feelings about that because I do think that there's times where egregious abuse occurs and that a child should be removed. But I feel like people that have substance abuse and mental health or even domestic violence issues, maybe there can be services put in place before they go just taking kids, you know? Yeah, for sure. Like a chance to turn things around with support.

I mean, I think that's the important part with this and with anything to do with coming out of the substance use area is that we need the supports in place, but also have attractive supports that people are going to be interested in that are really supportive and not, you know, I find like a lot of these things too, right? It's information gathering. So I think people go into it very hesitant to go all in because it's like, well, what I share with this person is then going to hit the file. for everybody and then it might if I'm completely honest about my situation then I could jeopardize you know this this ball rolling down the hill a lot faster so that's exactly what they do I mean it's totally information gathering and you know when it first happened to me in uh 2014 I was very honest with her and that actually worked out to my benefit as far as the case plan goes but a lot of times it doesn't work out like that because when you are completely

honest. Like, they use that information against you in court. So sometimes, and I can understand why somebody wouldn't want to be completely honest. But I guess maybe being completely honest would be good when you're ready to make a change. Because if you're completely honest, you better be ready to make the changes that they're going to offer you. Yeah, that's true too. Very true. Okay. So we have, we have all of this. This is a lot. This is a lot of stuff. Like you, you're kind of bit, you're really busy in the mix of all of this. Yes. With this addiction.

You're trying to, you know, what I'm hearing too is like you're, you're trying to find a way and I've been there before myself. I'm trying to find a way to still keep this stuff in my life, whether it be alcohol, whether it be drugs. I'm trying everything I know to do to try to keep this stuff around. And I'm hearing a little bit of that from your story here is you're trying to manage your life, the bills, the relationships. this other situation trying to make it all work out. And then what happens next? Yeah, you're right.

I mean, that's exactly what I was trying to do is make it work out because the thing is I couldn't imagine not doing drugs. I had done drugs for so long that I just couldn't imagine a life without them. It seemed so foreign to me. I remember seeing people like at the gas station or driving down the road going to work. And I would just think to myself, like, how can they do that? Because the only thing that I ever knew was drugs. So I couldn't imagine not waking up and using. It was the only thing that I ever knew. I think we don't realize maybe while we're wrapped up in it is that it just becomes that it becomes an addiction, but it also becomes like a strong habit. Just something we're used to just like waking up and taking a shower every day. It becomes that routine that we just get stuck

into it just like digs itself deep into it and it just becomes our way to get back to baseline like to get back to feeling quote unquote normal and without it it's near impossible to get there so you're exactly right yeah thank you so much though i well for for sharing this this is extremely powerful story and i appreciate you for like really really sharing that this is um i can't imagine it's hard stuff i've never been through anything like this before but i appreciate you because i imagine that there's a lot of people going through this i'm a lot of the story you're sharing about being a mom and your husband working a lot to provide for the family and you being at home with a lack of supports nobody really to talk to about the addiction but

also not getting help and support with being a mom of two young ones I mean, that is like you're balancing, you know, two full-time life positions here at the same time. Exactly. And that's so true. I mean, when I look back on it now, I can see that I, if I would have had the supports, maybe it would have been different, but I had nobody to talk to. And then when you start using, I mean, that's where I really fell into the rabbit hole because my using got my kids taken away.

Even though I didn't lose custody, I had to send them to live with my mom. because of my using. But because I lost my kids, I had to use more because I hated myself so much because this is where my life had come to. So I had so much shame and guilt. And I just hated myself because I have failed so miserably. And like we talked about before, like using creates that baseline that you have to have drugs just in order to feel status quo. You know, if you don't have drugs, you're absolutely miserable on top of the misery that I was already feeling that shame and guilt of losing my kids. So I had to stay as high as I possibly could all the time just so that I could be numb and not feel the feelings that were inside of me. I mean, the trauma, the not having support, the shame and guilt.

I mean, it was just so much inside of me that I was never ready to deal with. Yeah. And that's a hard thing to do to ask for help. Did you ever think throughout this beginning part, like more beginning part of your story? Did you ever think of like asking for help? And I wonder how I wonder how your mom reacted to this stuff. Was she aware of everything? Like what was what was that like? She was. So even in my teenage years, my mom was aware that I was experimenting with drugs. And she knew that my addiction was progressing. So I, funny enough, just talked to her about this recently, and she knew that I was using cocaine, although she just didn't know really how bad it was. So she was aware of it. She just didn't know to the depths that it was taking me.

What was the other half of the question? Did you ever think throughout this process to ask for help? Oh, yeah. So actually, when the kids were taken away in 14, they offered me some substance of abuse classes. And I started to get honest, but just like you and I talked about a moment ago, I wasn't ready to get completely honest. Like they had me do an assessment and I would tell her just what she needed to know. I didn't want to get all the way honest with her. And it prevented me from getting the help that I needed. Now, I also tried for several years to do the methadone clinic

because, you know, I thought maybe that would help me. But I wasn't ready to deal with the internal stuff going on with me. And I guess maybe now that I think about it, that's what it was, right? I was running from myself and I was running from my feelings. So even though I knew I needed help, I wasn't ready to face it yet because I wasn't desperate enough. Yeah, I hear you on that. That's a tough place to be. That's a really tough place because you want to, you want to do well. You want to engage with this. You want to get help. You want to be, you want to be there. with it, but there's also everything from the past that you're maybe not ready to deal with yet in this situation. And I feel like I've been there too with, with, you know, with my journey.

And it was completely different journey than, you know, the stuff you've went through. But it just really wasn't ready to face myself completely. Like it was a scary place to go at first, that I was just going to have to deal with life on life's terms and not have this backup plan that I relied on for so long to help me out. I'm with you on that. What changed? Well, it got really, really bad. It didn't change right away.

So from 2014 until 2018 for those four years, things were really, really bad. So my addiction went from, you know, doing cocaine and meth to shooting meth and heroin. Every single day, all day long. I used to live and I lived to use. It was all that I did. It was all that I cared about because I had dug myself deeper into the hole. And I went through many rock bottoms. I mean, I was like the rock bottom queen.

You know, I lived in the rock bottom. But I just wasn't ready to face myself. So in 2017, this is where. started to change, right? In 2017, my husband started getting really sick. And we would be like using and he would get fevers. And then he would like kind of come in and out of consciousness. And he just was very lethargic all that's time. So we wound up taking him to the hospital after basically begging him to go because he didn't want to go to the hospital because his grandfather and his father died in a hospital suddenly and tragically. So he was not wanting to go to the hospital. And

hospital, but we did finally convince him to go to the hospital. So when we got there, we found out that he had a kidney, no, kidney failure. And they told him that if he left the hospital, that he would die that night, that he was going to die. So he wound up staying there for a couple of days to find out that he had what they call bacteriomia. And what it was was a staff auroras infection in his blood. And the staff affection had gone into his heart and into his lungs and into his kidneys. Well, in his heart caused him to have endocarditis. It was vegetations in his heart from the infection that caused endocarditis. And in his kidneys, they said that he had chronic kidney disease.

And then in his lungs, he had this like mucusy buildup infection in his lungs. And they had to put chest tubes in on each side of his rib cage to drain the fluid out of his lungs. So he was in the hospital for like six months. And the reason that he was in there for so long, he was actually only supposed to have 42 days of IV antibiotics. But he was in there for so long because he was an addict and active addiction. And he would leave the hospital every 10 days to go use. And then he would use and he'd wind up with double pneumonia in his lungs and have to go right back to the hospital. So that process took a while.

And, you know, I just remember those days when he was in the hospital. We didn't know if he's going to make it until the next day. I mean, it was really bad. The prognosis was bad. And to be quite frank with you, the doctors didn't really give a shit. I mean, I hate to say that, but I mean, that's how we felt anyways because he was an addict and active addiction. They probably see this stuff so much that they become jaded to it.

You know, so they weren't going to give him a heart valve replacement if he needed it. I mean, they were just doing the best that he could. And because the Vicomacin, they were giving him for his heart was killing his kidneys, although he's already had chronic kidney disease, he had to be on dialysis during that time too. So it was bad. But he finally started to get better after about six months. And when we left the hospital, we took him to the heart failure clinic because that's where they wanted us to do our follow up. And they told him that he had congestive heart failure and that he would not live for more than five years.

So that was the prognosis. And then if he continued using that it would be even less than that. Well, he left there. We continued using. And within a few weeks, he caught some charges. Well, I mean, we basically spent the majority of our marriage on probation, violation, or in jail. But he caught some charges and went to jail. Well, he took this thing down here in Sarasota called Comprehensive Treatment Court.

And I tell you what, I'm so grateful that I live in the county and in the state that I live in because we're very blessed to have. a lot of recovery support here. That's what started his recovery journey was comprehensive treatment court. So they wanted him just to stay clean. That was the only thing that he had to do. But he didn't know how to do that yet. So he would use, they'd send him to jail. Then jail would send him to rehab. And then he'd go to rehab. He'd get out and he'd use. And it kind of just started the cycle for him. Well, while he was on his cycle, I was digging further, deeper, darker into my addiction. And I got involved with some very bad, I don't want to say bad people. That's probably not the right way to say. I got involved with some very dangerous people, some very dark and demonic people. And they were

into doing things that I had never experienced before. And it was really bad for me. I mean, it just got to a point where I didn't give a shit what I had to do. I just wanted to continue to get high. I didn't care what I had to do to my body. I didn't care what I had to do with my mind. I didn't care what I'd do with my soul. I just had no will to continue to live, but I didn't have the courage to die. So I just lived in this darkness. And on my birthday of July 2018, I finally got arrested. Well, you know, the cop that arrested me, been after me for a while. He finally caught me on my birthday. I was pissed off at him for it. But that's what started the sequence of events in my life that led me to getting clean. And I'm so grateful for that guy that couldn't stop following me around back

then, that cop. You know, I'm grateful for him now because if it weren't for him, you know, I may not be here today. I was definitely headed towards death. I mean, I definitely was. So I went to jail. Now, my husband's off doing his own like recovery or, I mean, rehab program and I finally get arrested. And they let me out of jail on what they call supervised release. And this is where I learned that I really am an addict. My life is really unmanageable. And even though I want to not get high, I don't know how to not get high. So they let me out on supervised release and the terms of my release were like really simple. Just don't get high. Well, within a few days, I mean a few hours, let's be real. Within a few hours I was using. Within a few weeks, I was re-arrested. And I went back to

jail. Well, I sat in jail a little longer this time, long enough to get to court. So it was a couple of months that I sat in jail. I got released on probation. Terms of my probation, same deal. Just don't use. Report to probation. Once a month, as long as you do that, you'll be fine. I didn't know how to not use. So when I got out, I went right back to the same people, back to the same places that I was doing the same things. I was out on that probation for 42 days. I went to go see my probation officer, tried to falsify a drug test. And guess what? I got caught. So I got But called trying to falsify a drug test in the probation office, and I got arrested there. Well, on my paperwork for probation, I have my mom's address written down on my paperwork,

which is where my kids were located. So not only did I go to jail on a violation of probation, but they also started my probation officer called Department of Children and Families, which started a judicial case plan because I had slipped through the cracks before and they hadn't gotten custody of my kids. well this time they were coming for it. So they started a judicial case plan and, you know, I spent a couple of weeks in jail on that violation and then I got reinstated. Terms of my probation, same thing. Just don't use. Now I got this case plan looming, but I didn't know how to not use. I wanted to not use. I had the desire to not use, but I didn't have the ability or the tools to know how to do it.

So I went right back to the same places, right back to the same people, and we were doing the same things. I was out this time for about 30 days. And this, for me, I'm grateful when I look back on it now because it was really, really dark. I was living in a shed behind a trap house and a known trap house with the drug dealer in like a six-by-six shed. The only thing that was in there was a bed. I mean, it was a dirt floor, no fridge, no more. microwave, no toilet, no shower. It was literally a bed and the dope, you know. And I tell you that

because this is where the insanity of my addiction led me to. That's where I thought that I wanted to be, even though I had no contact with anything outside of my world that I loved, like my family, my children. I had no contact with any of that. The only thing that I had was the dope. And I was heavily using IV meth and heroin. So June 30th, 2019, I'm in the shed with the guy and the drugs and I used heroin or probably was fentanyl, to be honest. But anyways, I fell out on the floor and I was down there for like six solid hours. I don't know exactly how long it was, but I know when I used, it was nighttime. When I woke up, it was the next morning. So when I woke up, I was like slumped over. My legs were asleep. By the grace of God, I lived through that. I have no

idea how I lived through that. The guy that I was in the shed with was literally just sitting there. He didn't care that I was about to die. He wasn't going to call 911 on me because that's what we do when we're in our addiction, right? Like, we look out for number one because if he would have called 911, they would have questioned him because he's had so many overdoses in the past. But anyways, so I woke up And I did what any good addict does. I did another one because that was the only tool that I had in my toolbox. The only thing I knew how to do was continue to use and to do more. So I did another one. And about maybe an hour after that, we got a knock at the door. And it was the police department showing up at the shed to come pick me up on my warrant because my mom had found out where I was

located at. She called crime stoppers and she turned me in. So that's where it started. change for me because that is my clean date, July 1st, 2019. That is the day of my last arrest. And that's where everything changed. Wow. That's, so was the six hours, was that an overdose? Is that what you went through? For sure, it was an overdose. I'm absolutely certain just because of the way that I woke up. I mean, I was, by the grace of God, I lived through that. I honest to God, don't know how I lived through that. It was truly a miracle. Yeah, wow. So I'm so happy you did. So they show up, so the police show up at the shed door.

They knock on the shed door, not at the house? Or did they knock at the house first? And then they're like, she's in the back. We probably knocked on the house first. And they're like, no, go get her. She's right there because these people don't give a hell, give a shit about me. Yeah. What inspired your mom to call crime stoppers?

He was terrified. She was scared for my life. She knew the person that I was with. And there had been a lot of, like I said, he didn't call 911 because there had been a lot of overdoses by him already. So she was terrified for my life. She had my kids with her. You know, so she just did what a mom knows to do. You know, I probably had done the same thing if my kids were ever in that situation.

And I'm glad that she did that now. Yeah, that's incredible. Because, yeah, I can't, I can't imagine it would be easy to do in like situations like that. we're upset with maybe initially, but I think in hindsight, we're like, wow, that that takes a strong person to do that. And we become grateful for that stuff. So what happened then? So July 1st, 2019. You go back to jail? Yep. This is like a motel six for you now. Yep. Yep. That was my fourth arrest from 2018 until 2019. You know, I was in and out of jail. constantly. So this is how my higher power starts working in my life, right? So all of my friends,

because like I said, I was hanging around some very like dangerous heavily involved type people, all of my friends were going to jail for what they call conspiracy to traffic. So what that means is if you make a text message or a phone call with anybody where you're talking about a drug deal, you could get charged with like a major felony that carries like a long, lengthy prison sentence, which is kind of silly because it's only a text. But anyways, that's just what it is. So on my way to jail, I'm in the backseat of the cop car. The cop was really sweet to me, too, by the way. I'm pretty sure that he knew I was just a sick girl caught up with the wrong people. But on my way to the jail, I'm going through my phone clearing out everything because all I ever did

was talk about drugs, you know? So I see this text message from this girl named Amanda. And when I get to the jail, of course I deleted it, but when I get to the jail, they take me to what they call medical. Medical is the area that they take people to detox, right? Because they knew I was on drugs pretty bad. So I get into medical and that girl that had text me was in medical. And I hadn't checked my phone since the night before because of that overdose. But so she was in medical. She had gotten arrested that night and we automatically clicked really quickly.

So we became very close. And we spent about 10 days in medical. I don't know. It was several days in medical. It took a long time to detox. I was very dependent on the drugs. So we spent several days in there. The day after I got there, DCF, Department of Children and Family showed up to give me a drug test. I failed for four different kinds of drugs. And that just strengthened their case that they had against me. You know, I had no bond. I was not getting out of jail this time. They had let me out too many times. It was not happening again. Nobody would take my phone calls. Wasn't allowed to see my kids. kids talk to my kids my birthday was right around the corner you know it was just horrible it was horrible and when i look back on that now i'm really grateful for that because that's what i needed to become willing to want to change and do something different i call that moment that that desperate horrible moment that i had my gift of desperation so my friend amanda we went to what they call general population together that's where after you go through holding they say

you to what they call general population. So we went to Gen Pop together and we were bunkies. We shared the same cell and we stayed in there for a couple of weeks together. And the whole time we're building this like really close relationship because she's, I spent 24 hours a day with her for weeks at a time. So we got really close. Well, then she went to a different pod. And the pod that she went to is called the recovery pod. We have something called the recovery pod in the county that I live in. And what it is is it's literally just what it sounds like. I mean, it's a recovery based pod. They bring in recovery meetings four times a day. I mean, you get to go to church, not outside of the pod, but they bring church into the pod. You know,

it's just, it's a whole different atmosphere. I mean, where I was before, all they did was talk about drugs all day. So up here in the recovery pod, I mean, they had a vending machine. It was like clean up there. It felt like a hospital. not a jail. But anyway, so I walked in there and I just remember I followed her for the recovery pod. That's how my higher power worked in my life because of my friend Amanda, I wouldn't have gone if it wasn't for her. I followed her to the recovery pod. And I remember walking in there and just feeling this like sense of peace, just this peace that I hadn't felt in so long. Like I felt like I was in the right place. And when I walked in there, I recognized a bunch of the girls from my addiction.

I owed $600 in debts when I walked through the door to some of the girls that were in there. And they just welcomed me with open arms that I don't care about any of that stuff from the past. I'm just happy that you're alive and I'm glad that you're here. And that was monumental for me because all my life, like I say, when I first did cocaine, it made me feel like I belonged, like I could come out of my shell and be this person that I didn't really feel like on the inside. So when I walked into the recovery pot and they were. welcomed me in there with open arms, I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. Even though I was in jail, I was in jail with people that finally understood me. And that was a game changer for me. So I remember

sitting in that jail feeling more free than I had ever felt in my entire life. And the freedom that I was feeling while I was in there was freedom from active addiction. So one day I was sitting in the pod and they had brought in a church service and they played a song and the song was called Rescue by Lauren Dangle. I've been in there for several weeks at this point in time. So I'm kind of feeling good about being clean. And, you know, I made it past the obsession. And they played this song and it says, the words say, I hear you whisper underneath your breath. I hear your SOS, your SOS. I will send my armies out to find you in the middle of the hardest night. It's true. I will rescue you. So when I was in that shed, I was in just such a dark, demonic place. It was just so bad. It

It was so dark and I wanted to get out of there, but I could never say the words because when you're living in that kind of environment, you have to have this like tough exterior. You know what I mean? You don't want to let anybody see any of your weaknesses. So when I heard that song, I knew that I had been rescued from the darkness that I was living in. And the army that was sent out to find me was the Warren's division, you know, but I had been rescued and I knew I had been rescued and that helped give me the strength to have. that little seat of hope to just know sit still. I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Wow, that's incredible. I love the recovery. I love the recovery pod too for for the setting. Did you have to request to be a part of that program or is everybody welcome? You do have to request to be a part of it. And one of my prior arrest, I had actually gone up there. They like automatically bump me up there. They woke me up for a meeting at 7 o'clock in the morning. And I'm like, you know what? I don't think I want to be here. Just send me back downstairs. So this time when I went in there, I had to beg the lady from classifications

to let me up there because I had the case plan. And the thing about it is they give you substance abuse help up there. I would have got parenting classes up there. So I knew that I needed to go up there so that I could start working my case plan in case. In case, I might have the opportunity to be able to get my kids back. So it was the way to go. But I had to beg the lady to get up there. You do have to ask to go. Okay. Gotcha. So what happens after this? How long, how long are you in the recovery pod for? So I spent several months in jail and one day and a lot changed for me, right? Like they would bring in these meetings and these women would tell me that they had lost their kids, that they were convicted felons, that they, you know, had overdose. They were like bad like me, you know, and they had been in my seat

before in the recovery pot and yet they were able to come back in there clean you know and they had their kids back and they had jobs and they were happy and they had all the stuff that I wanted but I could never figure out how to obtain so that's when I started opening my mind and finding some hope and you know but so one day I'm sitting in a meeting right this was a mindfulness meeting the lady that brought in the meeting that day was teaching us about mindfulness and I get a call for my public defender. So my public defender says to me on the phone, he's like, listen, they're offering you 20 and a half months in prison. It's the lowest amount that your points will allow. If you don't take this offer, you're looking at 20 years in prison. So we might as well just take the offer. So that was the plan. Now, if I took that offer, that would mean that I wouldn't have enough time to be able to work my case plan to get my kids back and that my mom would permanently take custody of my kids. That's what I thought was going to happen. So the lady that, brought in the meeting that day after I got off the phone, my public defender asked me what happened. So I told her about the whole situation, what was going on. And that was that.

You know, she left and that was like 4.30 in the afternoon. I had court the next morning at 8.30 in the morning. So I get woken up for court and they're taking me through all of the holding cells on my way to court. Well, in the very last holding cell, you go through like where I'm from, four holding cells before you actually get in the courtroom. In the very last holding cell was in the courtroom and all the other girls had gone out before me and I was sitting in there by myself and I just remember I surrendering right there. I prayed and I'm like, you know what God, if you want me to go to prison and my mom is going to raise my kids, fine. I understand. I felt like I deserved that because I had failed so much that I felt like my kids would be better off

without me anyways. But if this recovery thing that they've been talking about is true and if I really am here for a reason and this stuff is for me, then I surrender to that right now. So then I walked into the courtroom and that lady from the day before was in the courtroom. And instead of going to prison that day, she had got me accepted into a treatment center. She was on the board at a local treatment center in my town. So she had got me accepted into a treatment center somehow or another overnight from 430 until 8.30 the next morning, she got me accepted into that treatment center. And now mind you, I had already been in front of that judge a few other times that year. So he's like, listen, Sonia, this is your chance. If I ever see you in my courtroom again, you're going to prison for a long time. So I wound up getting a

chance to go to this treatment center. And by this point in time, I had a little bit of understanding about the program. And they told me if I wanted what they had, I had to do what they did. So when I got to the treatment center, I had some serious willingness because by that time, I was feeling happy and I was feeling free. And as an addict, when I like something, I want more. So I wanted more of whatever I was feeling. And they told me that if I did these certain things, that I could have what they had. So I was like determined to do whatever I had to do at that point in time. Wow. What a blessing. What a blessing that was. Yeah. And how long was the treatment program? So I was in treatment for four months. And during the time that I was in treatment, I was able to get my parenting classes.

It just so happened that Steve, my husband got out of treatment the same time that I got to treatment and he went to a halfway house. So while it was at treatment one day, he showed up and he's like, listen, he's like, I don't care about all that stuff that happened before. You know, I'm clean. I'm so happy. You're clean. I just want to work it out and I want to bring our family back together.

And I wanted that more than anything in the world. I just felt like I had failed so bad that that wasn't possible for me. So when he showed up and said that, I was like on board with it. However, we both knew that if we were going to make that happen, we had to work on ourselves before we would be able to really get back together. So I continued working on myself. He continued working on his self. And, you know, I was like I said, I was in treatment for four months.

The suggestion to me was to go to a halfway house afterwards. So that's what I did. I went to a halfway house. And during all of this time, like I learned that I wasn't a bad person. I wasn't a bad mom or a weird person. I was a sick person. And all of the things that I did, I did because I was in my addiction and the drugs had control of me at that time. The person that I am today would never do the things that I did back then. And that helped me to release a lot of the shame and guilt. So, you know, I just started working on all of the things that they needed me. to do the parenting classes, the probation, the DCF case plan. I mean, I was going P three times a week for these people. It was intense in the beginning. But I'm glad for that because I needed all of that accountability to keep me straight in the beginning. So when we had about a year clean, we moved back in together. Wow. Yeah, I think, yeah, I mean, it seems like too, you did,

you slipped through the cracks for better or for worse for many years. And it, and it's, It seems like towards the end here, your chances kind of ran out and the system, you know, kind of stepped in. You know, and sometimes this strategy works. In your case, it does. And sometimes it doesn't. But I feel like, too, you know, my situation, too, they gave me chances, right? The probation, this, that, all the different things, right?

And then I just kind of kept squeaking. I thought in my own mind I was getting away with something. But when I look back, I wasn't getting away. they kind of gave me a leash to play with. And I never was able to really do it. I thought I was fooling, it was fooling people. But yeah, when I look back, I'm like,

Brad, you really were just kind of fooling yourself. Because at the end of the day, you know, everybody else kind of went on with their thing. They weren't struggling with this. And I was like, wow, you know. But yeah, I think the interventions and stuff that kind of took place. And it seems like, you know, hearing this, like things fell into place at a lot of the right times for you.

you know, like these things came together. And I can relate to that so much in my story, too. And I don't know what it was. I don't know why things happened the way it did. But when I finally got arrested to, I was getting off an airplane and the cops were waiting with the mugshot. It was wild. And when I finally went to jail for a year, I wasn't using that time. I had already had some sobriety and something caught up with me.

A year, you know, it was like two or three years prior that this event happened. And then I was arrested, you know, several years later and it was kind of like a shock. But it was still, you know, it was still what I needed, right? Because I was still a little bit unsure if I wanted to, I never really set out to get sober. I just set out to like just not be miserable anymore and just not go through withdrawal every day from, you know, using heroin. And this really set things in, in motion for me that like, hey, you have to, you know, you have to do this stuff or else this is how your life is going to look. And like, it just was not. I didn't want to, I didn't want it to look like that.

But I can relate to you so much with being in the holding cell before. I did an open plea. So I was facing 20 years and I did an open plea basically, a long story short, the way I understood it was that there was a suggestion from the district attorney. There was a suggestion from my lawyer. They weren't exactly in line. The district attorney wanted like two to three years. My lawyer was like six to eight months is like that's all we're going to do.

but they couldn't come to agree on something. So basically you bring it before the judge. It was the same story. Everybody else went. It was like 4.30. And courts done at 5. And I already had so many postponements of the court date. Like for months, I was in the county jail for eight months before I even went for the court date.

And I remember the holding cell and I'm pacing, you know, back and forth. And I'm just like, whatever's out there. You know, I didn't have a belief in anything really. And I said, whatever is out there, you know, like just help me out here. I'll pay it forward. And I had no idea how I was going to do that or, you know, what this was going to look like. But I remember the judge, I'll never forget it. He sat back in his chair.

He reviewed the documents. I had already been to treatment centers. And I obviously had a well-documented history of a substance use disorder. So it wasn't like I was because the charges were for selling drugs to an undercover police officer. So there was no, you know, I mean, guilty as. charged 110% and I was more than willing to take accountability and I did take accountability for it. But he sat back in his chair and he took off his glasses and he rubbed his eyes and I'm like, oh my goodness. You know, the only people in the courtroom is my mom and my twin brother.

Nobody else place is empty. You could hear a pin drop. And he says, yeah, six to eight months, Department of Corrections. And I was just like, oh my goodness. You know, I just caught a huge break in my life. And then I did end up staying in jail for longer as before I was deported back to Canada. But, you know, looking back, it sucked. But it was an incredible intervention to really put the nail in the coffin for me for that like, you know, you got to do something different, buddy, if you don't want to live like this. So what are things like for you now? Yeah. So I just want to say like just about what we were just talking about, though, you know, the things that suck, like, the parents.

pain that we have to go through and the way that it all falls in place, man, when I look back on all of that, that pain really did suck at the time and going through all of that stuff sucked. But, I mean, it really built my character and built me into the person that I am today. So I'm so grateful for all of that stuff when I look back and the way all the pieces fall into place. This is why I always am so heavy to tell people, if you are in recovery, you are here for a reason and there is a purpose for your life because so many of us don't make it through this and the way that it all happens when you talk and I'm sure you've had experience with us talking to other people and recovery on your podcast when you hear these stories you're like damn you know

all of this stuff just fell in place and brought you here I mean there's a reason we're here right now so that we can help the next generation of people to find what we have because it's available to us all. But yeah, I just, I love that topic because I get really passionate about that. But, you know, today life is just, I mean, oh my God, it blows my mind. If you would have told me five years ago that this is the life that I would be living today, I would have told you to go smoke another one, you know, because I could have never dreamed that this life was possible for me. Not only that, I didn't feel like I was worthy of the life that I have today, but it just blows my mind. I mean, you know, I got my kids back.

And it wasn't easy in the beginning. You know, when I got them back, it took us some time to rebuild that trust and, you know, to show them that I'm going to be the mom that I set out to be. But today, we have that relationship. It's good today. You know, they're teenage boys. So, I mean, aside for that part, you know, we do have a really good relationship and they can trust me today. And, you know, I love me today. And I think of all of the things, that's my greatest takeaway because I don't need anybody else to tell me who I am today.

I know who I am and nobody can tell me different. And recovery has given me that. The work that I've done on myself has given me that. You know, my husband and I went from a toxic, abusive, addictive relationship to a healthy, sober, you know, encouraging and relationship. of trust and respect, you know, recovery has given us that. Everything that I have in my life today is a result of recovery. Without recovery, I wouldn't have any of it. Therefore, I always have to recover before I'm anything else.

Before I could be a mom, before I could be a wife, before I can be a friend, before I can be an employee, I have to be a recovering addict first. Because as long as I take care of that, as long as that comes first, everything else, won't have to come last. When I don't take care of that, I'm nothing else to nobody. Yeah. And you know what? I just want to add this to just recently in the last, I don't know, six months. I know we've talked about this before, but, you know, I just recently got a job. And I would have never, I could have never dreamed of this. So five years ago, I wasn't allowed to be around my own kids, you know, and I had my kids taken away. And today, you know, I got a job

at this nonprofit and it's called the Parents for Parents program. And we help parents who've had their kids taken away, not for the state, not for, you know, Department of Children and Families. It's a nonprofit. We're there for the parent. And we just come in as a peer specialist, somebody who's got lived experience. We come in and we meet them at their first court hearing and we say, hey, you know what? I've been in your shoes before.

I made it through this successfully. I would love to support you during this process, help you with the resources that you're going to need to get through this process and teach you about what's going on. because when I was going through it, I felt like I was all alone. I was alone in the dark. I thought my kids were better off without me. Everybody on the other side of the podium just further instilled that fact into my mind because they just called out all my deficiencies and how I was failing and I wasn't

good enough. So, you know, it was just, it felt like such a losing battle. So to be able to go into that same space today, which I see my old caseworker in, too, by the way, but to be able to go into that space today. and just give the parent that's going through that, the support that I never had, I feel like is a game changer. And again,

this wouldn't be possible without recovery. So they say don't leave before the miracle happens. I have found that it is just one miracle after another. Whether it's a tiny miracle or a big miracle, I mean, recovery will give you a life beyond your wildest dreams. Not that it's always easy, but it is always worth it. Wow.

Well, congratulations on that position too. And I mean, with your with your lived experience, I can only imagine you're bringing in a lot of value to that space. Yeah. I love it. I love it so much. You know, and it's challenging in the ways that it triggers some of my past. You know, I mean, I've, I've done a lot of work and healing, intentional healing work. But one area that I've just scratched the surface on is all the years that I was without my kids and the things that I put them through. I feel like our higher power will reveal things to us when we're ready to deal with them. And now this is being revealed to me. And it's time for me to do some more work on this so that I can better help the parents by not being triggered. So I know that it's going to be a challenge. And it has been a challenge. But it's also super rewarding, super fulfilling to be able to use my greatest pain to be able to help somebody else. Yeah, that's beautiful. And you're up for the challenge. I can tell. Yes, I am.

And that's one of the, and we'll kind of end on this too, is that that's one of the beautiful things about recovery that I find is that we're able to show up. We're willing to work on stuff. It's not that we get into it and then the journey's over. It's that it just begins and we're open and willing and able to work on this stuff because we're not living in this cloud of distorted reality kind of thing. So I love that that you're, you know, even into this. I think it's so important to send that to spread a message that like this is a, work in progress. It's not like a destination and we've reached it because we are sober for one year or sober for two years or something like that. It's that continuation.

So true. The journey continues, you know, and that's the thing about our purpose too. Our purpose is not a destination that we're going to arrive at one day. It's a part of the journey. We can live in our purpose every single day. We're always working on ourselves and we have a purpose. every day to show up and help the next person and to continue to do the work on ourselves. It's like peeling the layers of the onion back. There's always going to be something to work on just when you think you've arrived. There is another layer to peel. That's the truth.

That's the truth. I can't thank you enough. Honestly, this has been nothing short of incredible. Oh, thank you so much for having me today. Well, everyone, another incredible episode in the book. Sonia brought an incredible story of overcoming so much stuff in her life. And now she is doing so much better. And I personally couldn't be more proud of her.

And her coming on here and being willing to share all of that with us was awesome. So I know you guys are going to enjoy the episode. Be sure to leave a review for the podcast on your favorite podcasting platform. And I will see you on the next episode.