Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Stephanie Noble struggled with alcohol, weed and heroin until she got her 4th DUI after an overdose and everything changed.

Episode Date: December 14, 2023

Stephanie found great relief from herself in substances. As things progressed from drinking alcohol and smoking weed to pain pills and heroin.  Stephanie was going through the motions on a daily basis trying to find an escape.  In an underground parking garage, she overdosed and got her 4th DUI. She is a true example of what is possible if you put in the work and this is Stephanie Noble's story on the Sober Motivation podcast. ---------------- Follow Stephanie on IG: https://www.instagram.com/iamstephanienoble/ 👉 Download the SoberBuddy App: https://soberbuddy.app.link/motivation 👉 More information on SoberLink: www.soberlink.com/recover 👉 Grab Charmaine's ‘Delicious & Doable ~ Recipes For Real and Everyday Life’ Cookbook: 👇https://www.amazon.ca/Delicious-Doable-Recipes-Real-Everyday/dp/1989304559 👉 Check out the Sober Motivation Shop: Click HERE

Welcome to Season 3 of the Subur Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible, inspiring, and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible one story at a time. Let's go. Stephanie found a great relief from herself in substances. As things progressed from drinking alcohol to smoking weed to pain, pills, and heroin, Stephanie was going through the motions on a daily basis trying to find an escape.

in an underground parking garage she overdosed and got her fourth UI. She is a true example of what is possible when you put in the work. And this is Stephanie Noble's story on the Sober Motivation podcast. Soberlink is a high-tech breathalizer device designed to keep you on track. Devices are remote so you can take it with you on the go. And scheduled tests means there are no surprises. During each test, Soberlink's facial recognition technology verifies your identity ensuring the correct person is testing.

Your test results are then sent instantly to the contacts you've chosen, helping you rebuild trust and stay committed to your sobriety throughout the busy season. Stay sober and rebuild trust this season with Soberlink. Visit Soberlink.com slash recover to sign up and receive $50 off your device. And I've got to give another huge shout out to our other new sponsor, Charmaine Cooking Show host and author of Delicious and Doable Recipes for, real and everyday life. Charmaine prides herself on living a drug and alcohol-free lifestyle,

and she's also a huge fan of the show. So if you're hungry for fun, delicious, and doable dishes, Charmaine's collection of over 70 mouthwatering recipes will be sure to please your hungry gang. Pumpkin muffins with coconut crumbled toppings, lemon walnut tuna melts, cranberry turkey burgers with sweet horseradish mayo, and grilled chocolate sandwiches are just a few of the fabulous

and flavorful dishes, you will enjoy preparing and devouring with ease. Check out Charmaine's cookbook today. I'll drop the link in the show notes below to the Amazon listing. Let's go. How's it going, everyone, and welcome back to another episode. Stephanie's story is incredible. She also joined us on the holiday episode that was published earlier this week, and if you haven't got a chance to check that out yet,

you should definitely start there. That was an incredibly powerful episode bringing together five people, a ton of sobriety, lots of experience, and helping everybody else get through the holidays. And if you're looking to pick yourself up something these holidays, be sure to check out the shop, Sobermotivation shop.com. See if there's anything you like there. Everything goes back to supporting the show. Let's get into Stephanie's story.

Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got my friend Stephanie Noble, with this. How are you doing? I'm doing so well. How are you? I'm doing good. I'm glad that we could connect and record this show. We've known each other through the Instagram verse, I would say, for a while. How we always start out, though, is what was it like for you growing up? All right. So I was born and raised in Utah. I still live here today. So Utah has its own interesting cultural aspects to it. my childhood was good and not good at the same time. So I had loving parents who love me so much. I have a brother and a sister who I adore and who have also gone through some of the same struggles that I have. But I was

happy. I was playful, very opinionated and spicy and just my own person. And then when I was five years old, my parents got divorced. And it was a pretty messy divorce. And my five-year-old little brain just took that as, oh, my gosh, this is happening because of you. So there must be something inherently wrong with you. And I just ran with that from the age of five, which after a lot of therapy and stuff, it's very clear that was not because of me. It was because of my parents. But as a five-year-old, you can't really understand that kind of emotional stuff. So I just took that on if there's something really wrong with me. And so to counteract that or to try and fix that in me, I was like, okay, you have to be perfect. So I took on this role of just trying to be perfect all the time and

doing everything right. An example of this is like when I was younger, I wanted to be the first woman president of the United States. That's how far I took this idea of like, in order for no one to ever leave you again, you really need to make sure you are perfect, you are on it. Don't give anyone a reason to ever leave you, which I think really got me into a lot of trouble, which then led to eventually when I found drugs and alcohol, it was like the answer I had been waiting for because it quieted all those voices inside my head. That's a little jumping forward, but we'll get to that. So after the divorce, it was an unstable childhood, to say the least, and we moved around a lot. My parents talked really badly about each other all the time, which is really hard on a child,

right? Because if mom is talking bad about dad, I'm thinking I'm also bad. And then when my dad's talking bad about my mom, I'm thinking, hey, it's like I'm half of each of you. So you're just giving me the message that, again, I'm inherently bad. There's something wrong with me. But school was good. Like I had a lot of friends. I played soccer. I thrived in school. I was a 4.0 student because of that perfectionism and you better be perfect thing. So it was good. And then I dealt with a lot of losses too. In high school, I lost two grandparents in one week. And because of the divorce, my grandparents were a really big part of my life. So that was like earth-shattering, soul-crushing type of stuff.

And then in high school is when drugs and alcohol came in. Did you live with your mother? How were things split up there after the divorce? Yeah. So after the divorce, it was every Wednesday night we were with my dad. Every other weekend we were with my dad. and then the other times we were with my mom. So I still saw my dad a lot.

We were just going back and forth. But my home base was with mom and my brother and sister. And then that joint custody type situation. Yeah. Okay. And then when did you find drugs and alcohol? Was that in high school or after high school? In high school, I drank alcohol for the first time when I was 16.

And I had held off drinking for a long time. I saw the partying my older sister did. And I was like, yikes, that looks chaotic. So that kind of helped me waded out a little bit. I saw my friends doing stuff and I still just was like, no, I'm not going to. No, I'm not going to. And one day I just decided to try it. So I drank at a friend's house at some party type thing.

And we got pretty drunk that first night. I woke up the next morning and my first thought was just, I can't wait till I can do that again. Because it just quieted all those voices in my head of like, you have to be perfect and you're really bad and you're not good enough you're not good enough so when I found alcohol and it quieted all that I was like this is what I've been searching for my whole life it just was like this is clearly the solution to everything because I forgot about my problems I forgot about those insecurities I forgot about that voice in my head that always told me you suck

people are always going to leave you even your dad doesn't like you enough because he left like all those insane thoughts that I had since I was five, it just quieted them and I couldn't wait to do it again. Yeah. Now, I can relate to you with what it did for the way I was thinking about myself, for sure. Was there anything that you could identify before that that maybe played a role similar? Like, helped you forget the thoughts of not feeling like you were enough? Not at the level alcohol ever did, although it's clearly the most maladaptive. coping skill I could have used. I don't think there was. And I think that's why I was so happy to find something that really quieted at all because everything else that I was doing was just feeding into

that same thought process, like get 4.0. And even then it was like, did I get 100 on everything? Oh, you didn't? You suck. Or playing soccer. Like I had to be the best. And I wasn't always the best. So again, it was just like I was setting the bar so high, always falling short, so that it would validate that you're not good enough belief I truly had ingrained in me since I was five. So I don't know that there really was anything. My pattern of operation was just do everything to the best of your ability. And if you don't, it sucks. And no one can ever be perfect.

So I was just setting myself up for more validation and more validation of see, you're not good enough. Yeah. And then when alcohol came into the picture, things made sense. What was it like for your peers when they were drinking? Did you mention anything to them? They were like, hey, this was great. Let's get ready for the next one. No, because I was just like they would do it and things like that. But I don't think we ever, especially at 16, right? I don't think you have the emotional intelligence or emotional wherewithal. Also, I always felt like I was the only one who had a messed up family.

I was the only one who had these feelings of inadequacy. So I never really spoke them to my friends. It was always just like, let's pretend like, we're just part partying and let's put on the space of like this is just what high schoolers do. But in my own process internally, it was just this mental anguish of like, yeah, you're not good enough. Let's do this again, but don't seem too excited to do it again. So it was still just like, I'm going to play it cool and do things like that. But at 16, I just didn't have the emotional language or the ability to be vulnerable enough to have those conversations. And as I've gotten older, I've realized and working in the treatment field and hearing intimate things about people's lives, I'm like, everyone's family's messed up. And I wish I would have known that at 16. Everyone's

family has something. There is no such thing as a perfectly healthy family. And I wish I would have known that growing up. I wasn't the only one who was experiencing some emotional turmoil in the home. Yeah. Well, especially because that isolation piece of it, too, just keeps us from even voicing it. And we might not know when we're 16 exactly what's going on, but even voicing anything, right? We just keep it all to ourselves. And then that just grows. And then we find this solution and this external substance. For me, it was just so easy to find that thing. Like it was just a very simple process. When I look back on my journey, therapy, recovery, that was a lot more effort than just hanging out with the boys and doing whatever we were going to do, Right. So I knew something was up. I knew I was definitely struggling with mental health with a lot of different things. But to talk about it, yeah, I don't even know how that process would have come about. Yeah, I just don't think we had the language. And to be vulnerable is very courageous. And I think at 16 or in your younger years and adolescence, there's such a insecurity of just like we're trying to navigate the world and we're trying to fit in and we're trying not to be.

exiled from the pack, right? So it's kind of like this, oh yeah, we just go along with this, but then internally we could be completely suffering. And we see that today now with the mental health crisis and things like that. I believe it is getting better. Like we have the language about it. We actually talk about mental health and stuff like that, whereas when I was in high school, it was not like that. Yeah, so true. Yeah, definitely making progress. So how did things move forward for you after this first time and how was the rest of your life after that for high school? So it was, yeah, so I drank first time when I was 16 and then it was just drinking and then I smoked weed for the first time in high school and that was whatever, but drinking was really

just the thing that I looked forward to the most and I always took it to a different level. And looking back now, I'm like, oh girl, you were an alcoholic very early on because like the blackouts and the puking all the time. I did not have an off switch. Even in my teen years, I just didn't have an off switch. And even though I would get sick and wake up feeling like I wanted to die because it was so bad. And then doing it all over again. And I never even really was like, hey, you should probably cut back.

It was just kind of like, this is what it is. This is how you drink. And I think I thought that everyone was doing that. And some of my friends, you know, you're young. So some of them would be hungover. and puking and things like that. So again, there was never really a conversation about it, nor was there like an awareness of how dangerous what I was doing really was. That's kind of how that all went. I continued drinking, smoking weed. After high school, I got really into weed,

very much like pretty crazy growing in my own house with an ex-boyfriend of mine and not one plant by the window trying to grow weed, like full hydroponics, pounds of weed, which is, I mean, I hope the statute of limitations itself that I can't get arrested for that. Allegedly, we'll just add that. Allegedly, that seemed to be what was going on. And so I was waking and baking. I was smoking so much weed and still drinking. But the weed, I think, helps subside some of the drinking because I preferred that of

just being in this state of like, I'm not here. I just get to like zone out and forget things. When I was 21, I got hurt playing soccer. I injured my knee and I was prescribed oxycontin. This was back when oxycotton was the supposed Holy Grail and you can't get addicted to it and all that stuff. And then on my 21st birthday, I hurt my ankle and got more oxy cotton. I had a friend who also injured herself at my 21st birthday party because we were drunk in messes. I shared my pills with her. Then we found out some of our friends were selling them and using them. And so my old best friend and I, we got into Oxy really bad.

The physical dependency you get on opiates is horrifying. So if you don't use, you feel like you're going to die. So no matter what, you're just in that mode of like, I have to use, I have to use just to wane off the withdrawals. so we got really bad into OxyContin for quite a while. And when that all came out that we were doing that, you know, she did her thing, which I don't blame her because addiction is pretty ruthless. And all of a sudden it was all just put on me like it was my fault. And I was the one who made her do it.

And it was just this whole thing of like I was the bad guy. And in that process, I lost all my friends that I had for years, like 20 years. then I just felt even more alone and betrayed and abandoned, which was, you know, the thing I'd been trying to avoid my entire life was abandonment. So that happened and that really shook my whole world. That was one of the hardest parts of this whole entire process for me was everything being put on me and hearing all the gossip that everyone was telling me. And again, this is what I feared my whole life of being exiled from the pack.

And that happened in a really big and dramatic way. So all of a sudden I lost my using buddy and I lost connections to getting more oxy. And one day I was really sick in the withdrawals, detoxing. And someone close to me was like, you're going to have to switch to heroin. And I was just like, oh my gosh. It was like this moment of like, there's no denial that can be left if you switch to heroin. Because I always could ride on the whole, my doctor gave me this or I was injured, you know, and I still just hung my hat on that for so long of like, this is okay because it's prescription.

This is okay because you know exactly what you're getting and because you had a reason. My injuries were not ever even bad enough to get OxyContin the way that I was getting it. Like never. So I still could just justify my using in that sense. And then you become desperate. And when you're in that mode of detoxing from opiates, I was just like, okay. And so I did heroin for the first time and smoked heroin for a long time. which takes it to a different level.

It takes it to this level where you're just like, we're really in this now. We're really in addiction. And the shame that comes with that. And I would think to myself, like, how did it get here? How did it get here? And as much as I wanted to stop, I didn't know how. Yeah, I'm with you 110% on that.

Same transition that I took. When I first started and was introduced to the pills, though, as naive as it may sound. I had no idea what they were, for one thing. I had no idea that there was a dependence that was going to build. I had no idea that there was going to be a high potential of an addiction to happen. If I kept going, I had no idea of any of that stuff. What I'm wondering, when you're going through all of this, how does the rest of your life look?

Like, are you working or other relationships in your life? How do things look around you? So it was trying to maintain, trying to look normal. So yes, I would have jobs. I would lose a lot of jobs because I would have a lot of jobs because I would have a lot of to leave to go meet my dealer or I would be sick. And the addiction always came first. So I was trying to work, losing jobs, worked so many jobs, but I could never keep a job. And then my relationship, the one I had out of high school, we broke up. I got into another relationship and just hit it

as much as I could from him until eventually he found out. When people find out you're using heroin, there's just this shock. Like unless you're in that world, you really, even my now, husband when he found out this whole thing about me and I can get to that later on but he was just like blown away because he did not even know that people in real life did heroin. He was like this is like in the movies. He had no idea that people really did that. And that was same with my prior relationship and that relationship eventually ended as well because I just couldn't maintain anything in my life and my relationship with family was strained. My mom, that poor angel, she was just devastated and trying everything she could do to help me, but I wasn't ready.

So it was just lying, ruined relationships, loss of jobs, just I could not hold anything else together as hard as I tried because my disease was very loud and it would show in ways of losing jobs, losing relationships, losing trust with family. It was a mess. It was a mess and you still are just like, the only thing that matters is don't get, in the withdrawals. You have to keep going because you really think you're going to die without it. I thought I would die without it. And that's just what the disease does to us, right? It prioritizes drugs and alcohol over everything in your life because it thinks you will die if you don't have it. And it sounds crazy, but if you'll live it, you get it, right? Yeah, no, for sure. Did you ever, like,

have your back up against the wall and have to go for a couple days without? Oh, yeah. Yeah. And just pure misery and doing and finding whatever you could. So I would steal money from my mom's first. I would pawn things, all those horrific things that you do because the withdrawals of opiates are just so bad, the mental anguish that you know exactly what will fix it. You know exactly what will take it away. And so you're just in that animalistic mode of like, you have to get something. And somehow I would find ways to do it. But yes, there were many times where I would inevitably have to withdraw because maintaining that, unless I was like a millionaire. And thank God I'm not because I would probably be dead.

Like the things we have to do to maintain that is stealing, lying, cheating, all those things that go against our character. Yeah. And is this a small town that you're growing up in with this stuff or is this a big place? Compared to other big cities, it's smaller. I grew up in a suburb of Salt Lake City called Holiday. Okay. So small, well, yeah, I think it is because we call it Small Lake City.

So, I mean, Salt Lake is a big city. Holiday is not that big. So yeah, small town vibes. Yeah. Okay. And you mentioned there too that your mom tried to help. What did that look like? Did other people say stuff? Like, hey, Stephanie, you got to get help. You got to go to therapy. You got to go to rehab. We can help you. What did that look like? Oh, yeah. My addiction was so ruthless. The collateral damage of the addiction around me was my mom just turning into this person of like she would search my purse. She would search my person. She would. want me to strip down to be like, where are you hiding your drugs? Or I wouldn't be able to shut the door when I went to the bathroom and things like that where I can't imagine what that was like for her. But yeah, she didn't really know how to handle this. And so it was kind of like, okay, you're just going to stay home and withdrawal. And I would sleep in her bed and detox some days. And she would run baths for me. And she would do all those things that she thought she could do. But then eventually, like when I would go into detox and treatment and things like that,

then she started learning a lot more about it than she could support me in a more productive way. But I think when you're in it, you're just in like crisis control. Oh my gosh, okay, this. Okay, we need to hurry and do this. So it's just like putting out fires as they come, but no real long term plan. It was more just like what's happening right now. So like if she didn't hear from me for a few days, she would go on the look for me and she would know where to find me.

And I think that relentless in my life type of attitude from her, I think that really did save me because I knew that I at least had to talk to her, at least had to tell her where I was and things like that because she's a fierce mama bear and I didn't want her to like come hunt me down because that would be scary. So she did the best she could with what she had. And unfortunately, I don't think families have as many, I hope now, I think now it's changing, but as many resources or even just the wherewithal of like, oh, this is the process of detox and treatment and therapy and meetings and Al-Anon or whatever that looks like. But I really think that a lot of the way she did handle it saved me. Yeah. Because I knew that like no matter what she was there, I knew she

loved me no matter what. And I knew I could go to her or go detox at her house if I needed to. And I really was trying to do this. And I will never be able to repay her for all that. What you mentioned earlier about the angel, it sounds like it rings true. How were you feeling during all of this stuff while it's going on? Did you have time? in between to feel anything? Not really. The first time I went to detox was 2011. And then detox again in 2012,

treatment for the first time in 2012. But up until then, no time to really feel like the gravity of it or like come back to myself in any type of way. It was really just this like shame, regret, sadness. I didn't care if I lived or died. It was just the rat race. I couldn't believe my life had gotten that way.

I wanted to stop and I didn't know. know how. I just figured this was my life and I kind of surrendered to the disease of addiction. I was like, this is for sure how I'm going to die and I don't care. And that's really sad about it. I just, I didn't care what happened. And thank God it didn't take me out because, oof, I would have missed out on a lot of really great stuff. I think just anytime I would start to feel anything, I would use at it. Because feelings were not my forte. I did not know how to feel. And I, and feeling was the most terrifying thing ever, especially after it had gotten so bad, I for sure didn't want to feel. Because like, this isn't how my life was supposed to be. I wanted to be the first woman president.

How did I end up a junkie? This is crazy. So I just would use it that, use it that, use it that. And it's the same story as I'm sure so many others of I didn't want to feel so I used. Yeah, just bury it down and deal with it. Another day. I can relate to you on that too. So how did things move forward here? So you're smoking the heroin at the time. Are you still drinking now too or is all of your efforts going into the using heroin? Yeah, once the opiate addiction really took over, I didn't care to drink that much. With drinking became just like, I would do it if I needed to do. Sometimes I would drink to try and help with the withdrawals, which never really helped

because opiate withdrawals are so different. It almost made it worse. I did that one time. I drank a fifth of orange-flavored, I think it's called Burnett's, and that was probably the closest thing to not being alive that I've ever been when I did that. It was the most terrible thing ever, but the withdraws were, this was from methadone at the time, and it was really tearing me up. And I remember I was at my girlfriend's apartment, and I had this idea. And yeah, I just started going to town on this thing. And like, she's watching me. And then it was

just terrible. Luckily, I think the only thing that probably really saved me was that I threw probably all of it up. It didn't stay down. But yeah, it's that insanity part of when we're going to through it when you reflect back. At least for me, I'm like, man, what was I thinking? Or the other question is, was I even thinking? You know, part of it, I think it was just on autopilot. Like, my mind

was telling me to do something and I just followed through with it in a sense. Yeah, we weren't thinking in the way that we would think today, obviously, because even as we're sharing these stories about our own lives, we're looking back and we're like, what? You saw drinking a fifth would help the opioid withdrawals or me drinking a bottle of robotussin to help with the opiate withdrawals.

Like now we can see that because our brains are, you know, properly functioning. But when I'm in active addiction and the prefrontal cortex is not really awake to life. So I am operating from my lizard brain. I'm operating from this very animalistic use, use, use, drink, drink, drink, mindset. So I couldn't use consequential thinking or decision making or problem solving in the way that I would today. because addiction hijacks the brain. So yeah, the insanity is wild.

And unless you've lived it, I think it's hard to be like, how did you guys think that would make sense? Yeah. When my mom hears me, he's like, what? Oh, no, we better be good on here in case mama bear plugs in. You know, we better behave. Oh, she already said this morning, she's like, where can I see it?

And I was like, I'll send you the link. She knows. She's good now. Okay, perfect. So you mentioned you went to detox in 2011. in 2012. And what did that look like for you? What brought you to the point where detox was something you wanted to check out? It was just one of those moments where you're like, okay, let's do something different. So I go to detox in 2011. And this is not a comfortable medical detox where

they give you benzos and you have your own room and things. It's called the VOA, Volunteers of America. And it's basically for homeless people. And because I don't have children, I wasn't able to go to the women's and children one, so I went to the co-ed one. So it's men and women going there detoxing. They give you green tea and they're like, have fun. So you're just cold turkey detoxing. And I've always cold turkey. I've never done a medical taper. I've never done a syboxone tape or anything. It's always been cold turkey, which is, oh, just the worst ever. And while I was in detox, I met someone, which is just the biggest red flag in the world. So I met someone. who was also in their detoxing off opiates.

And then we strike up a relationship. And surprise, it did not go well. So he was also an opiate addict. He was also a dealer. And we get into a relationship. He was an IV heroin user. I never had done that before. Being around it, I was like, oh, I'm not going to shoot up.

I'm never going to shoot up. Just like I was never going to do heroin. You always put these like standards on yourself. And then you slowly cross each one of them until you're like, who am I? And one day I just say, I want to try that. And he was like, no, don't. And then shot me up. So then I became an Ivy heroin user.

And then the following year, I go to detox again. Same place. Same thing. It was not fun. And. And. Again that it went to? How was the how did the relationship go?

Are you still in this relationship when you go back? Yeah. When I went back the second time, yes. You're still. And then before I ended up going to treatment, this relationship ended. Okay. And he's sober now too, which is wonderful, and I'm so happy for him. But yeah, so we break up.

I do detox again. 2012, I go into residential treatment. And again, this is not like some bougie, fancy private chef type of treatment center. This is pretty hardcore. It's county funded because I don't come from a lot of money. So it was a county funded treatment center. I was in residential treatment for five and a half months. I did day treatment.

I did I op. I did the whole program, so I have like about a year sober. And when I finish treatment, I'm like, I could drink again. Just don't do heroin. Just don't do opiates anymore. But you can drink again. That would be fine. And very quickly, I was reminded alcohol is also a big problem for me.

You know, we see a lot of drug addicts do this. Like, well, no, I'm not using. I'll just drink because they think somehow they're different. And for me, they were not. And then that same month, I had a cousin who died by suicide. So the emotions were very big and I decided to drink at that. So this is summer of 2013. The whole summer it is a shit show.

I am drinking. I am partying. I am going to Vegas all the time. I'm going to EDC. I'm doing party drugs. And in September, I was down at a bar with one of my friends here in Salt Lake City and I get my first DUI. So it's not even five months again after using or starting to drink that I get a DUI. And I'm like, oh, crap, I'm in trouble.

And the fear of that and the fear of the consequences of that, I kept doing it. I kept drinking. I kept this up because I was scared and I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. And then the following April, so eight months later, April of 2014, I got my second DUI. And I was like, oh my gosh, you're in big trouble again. And I still hadn't seen consequences from my first one because the justice system is slow. And again, just fear and okay, I guess I'll deal with this when it comes up. And so I keep doing it.

And two weeks after my second DUI, I get my third one. So I have three DUIs in nine months. And I know driving under the influence is such a sensitive topic. And I know that a lot of people have lost people from drunk drivers. And I have so much empathy and sympathy and compassion and love for those people. And I am so grateful that I never hurt anyone and that I never gotten an accident. and I truly am horrified by that behavior, truly. I still think about it and I like get teary-eyed because I'm like, oh my gosh, that's, you know,

you could have really hurt someone. So I have three DUIs. Some of the legal consequences start to show up and I had to get an ankle monitor put on that would test my skin every hour for alcohol. And so I was like, okay, we'll do that, whatever. And then I was like, well, it's not testing for Xanax or opiates. So then I get back on it. Xanax and my friend could get oxy so I was getting oxy and kind of did the whole pill thing

since the alcohol was the thing being monitored. Again, like saying this story, I'm like, this is insane. How did I think that this was what I should be doing? But this is my disease and action. So I get back on pills and those kind of things. And then we're in 2014. Okay. And then I do intensive outpatient treatment again in the summer of 2014 at a wonderful place that was so lovely and I loved it and I was doing so well and I stopped everything and it was going well and I was going to meetings and all that kind of stuff. And then I don't know what happened. I think it was like I got a new car. I got a new job. I was like things were good, which is truly when I see the most relapse happen is when like, look, things are good again. And then somehow I get amnesia to my disease and

I'm like, was it that bad? Could you find another way to make this work? Just be smarter about it, right? moderate a bit, Stephanie. Oh, yeah. Yeah. How old are you at a time when you're going through all of this stuff? I think I am 27 at this point. At this point, okay. Yeah. So six years into, I mean, I drank at 16 and, you know, the weed thing, but like when the opiate addiction came in, that's when, like, truly everything fell apart.

Yeah, the top. Like, when he was doing weed and stuff like that, I could hold a job. I mean, it was still very unhealthy the way I was using daily and things like that. way that my life completely fell apart was the oxy heroin drinking, partying, all that. So that's 2014. So I'm like trying to go through all this. The legal stuff is starting to show up a little bit, but nothing crazy. I mean, the ankle monitor and then treatment. I had to go to treatment and stuff like that. So I was doing really well. But I would have relapses in between. I would try and drink like a quote unquote normal person, which I never could. I figured out if I don't charge my ankle monitor,

I was pushing the limits everywhere, so I stopped charging my ankle monitor and just would drink on it. Until then they called me in and they were like, hey, I don't think yours is working. We're going to get you a new one. And I was like, dang it. I was a very sneaky person.

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. It wasn't working because I've been drinking and nobody's called. Yeah, right? I mean, that's what I was thinking, but I wasn't going to say anything to them. So those kind of things are all starting to catch up. And so we're in 2015 and still trying to hold it together. The court stuff is slowly starting to come up.

And then I have a good amount of sobriety at this point. I want to say it was like I have seven or eight months. And again, things were going well because I was sober. And I don't know why I would always forget that. It's like things are going well because you're sober. But when things go well for me, somehow I convince myself, okay, you could do it now. You have the job. You have the car back.

You're taking care of everything. so you could use. And so in August of 2015, I don't know why I was just like, okay, you could just smoke heroin for a few days. And then this is my thought process. Just make sure you don't do it three days in a row because you don't want to go into the withdrawal

because somehow three days was, I don't know what common sense I thought I was using because that's not accurate. So I relapse on heroin. I smoke it for two days. I shoot it. for the next day and then I try to stop and I couldn't the withdrawals were already there because my brain remembers this and it does it really is a progressive disease and it picked up right

where it left off so August 21st 2015 I was trying to just not use trying not to use and I was like f it I have to like I feel sick I feel like I'm in the withdrawals so I go and I meet my dealer and he tells me, Stephanie, be really careful, this is strong. And I was like, awesome. I wasn't thinking like, oh, I better be careful. I was in withdrawal. So I was like, cool, this is going to get me well. So I go and I pull into a parking lot, a Dan's grocery store parking lot. I don't know if everyone knows what Dan's is. Utah people will know. It's just a grocery store. So I park in this underground parking type thing and I shoot up and I'm out. It's just blackness. And someone must have seen me and called the cops to come do a wellness check on me.

I wish I could find that person and thank them for saving my life because if they didn't do that, I would be dead. And the next thing I remember is waking up with cops all around me. And I was just like, oh my gosh. And after they do what they do and they woke me up and I'm in the back of a cop car, my first conscious thought that I can remember having is you should have done all of it. just because I just, I was just done. Like, I just didn't want to keep going.

And I knew I was like, oh my God, this is a fourth DUI. And fourth DUIs you go to prison. Third DUIs you can go to prison. So I was just like, you really fucked it this time. Excuse my language. And so I go to jail again. for another DUI because I was in my car. They don't care that I wasn't actually driving.

If you have control over the vehicle, it's a DUI. I had a breathalyzer in my car even, but I was found with a needle in my arm. So it's a DUI. And I remember being in jail and withdrawling. And I was laying there in withdrawal thinking like, holy cow, how are you ever going to get out of this? I always had this amazing ability to hit rock bottom and look around for the shovel to dig to another one.

And then once I got to another bottom, I was like, okay, because I was just always so scared and I didn't know how to deal with it in a healthy way. So it would just get worse and worse. And then something happened in jail. And it's hard for me to like describe it. But something happened where I had this spiritual awakening, this more. moment of like no matter what it takes, you're going to get sober and you're going to save your life. Because I was just thinking of, I wish I would have just overdosed and been done with it.

And then when I thought about it, I pictured my mom getting a phone call that her youngest daughter died in a parking lot. And I just, I could not get that out of my head because that would break her. And so I had this moment, this psychic change, this spiritual awakening where it was like, no matter what it takes, you're going to do this. And I had this whole sense of calm wash over me. And even my withdrawals seem to like dissipate. I know this sounds so crazy. And people who have had big spiritual awakenings will know what I'm talking about. but it felt like the universe or whatever you believe in just came and took it from me.

Not like the disease, right? I know I will always have the disease of addiction, but took the suffering from me and just was like, you've had enough. You've had enough. Let's just go forward now. And since that day, I have not had one craving. I've had thoughts of using, thoughts of drinking, but I've not had a craving, right? That obsessive thinking, that like visceral physical experience of a craving for,

drugs and alcohol like I had experienced before. And I was just surrendered to, okay, if you have to go to prison, you have to go to prison. But at least you're not dead. And whatever comes, you can do this. Something just calmed me. And so I get out of jail and I'm still waiting for sentencing and all that kind of stuff because a fourth DUI probation violations, it's all coming down the pipe. And I was just like, okay, so I get out, and this is still August of 2015. September of 2015, I go into residential treatment, the same one that I had been in before, because I was alumni there. I was able to quickly get in, which I'm so grateful.

I did 65 days in residential. And then I went back to my IOP that I had been at the previous year. And they eventually had to, like, kick me out because I just wanted to be there forever. I was like, I just, I need to be here, like, whatever I need to do. I'm ready and I'm willing and I will do whatever it takes. And then March of 2016, all the sentencing in court stuff came up. And so at this point, I was seven months sober. And I was like, all right, let's hope I don't have to go to prison.

And I go to my sentencing. Or even before that, my fourth DUI was dropped, which don't ask me how that happened. My fourth DUI was dropped somehow. I only credit it to the miracles of recovery. If they dropped the DUI and I got hit with drug possession and paraphernalia, obviously. And I was like, cool, I'll take it because DUIs are way more serious. But I still had three that I hadn't been fully sentenced on. So I go to court in March of 2016 and my probation officer at the time was recommending home confinement.

The judge was not having that. She was like, no way. Third DUI, you're not doing home confinement. And so she said, 62 and a half days, you're going to jail. And I was like, okay. So the bailiff comes up, puts me in handcuffs, and I'm standing there. And I'm like, okay, I'm still free. This is nothing compared to the mental prison that I have been living in for the past seven years.

Cool. 62 and a half days, let's go. I will do this. I am free. I go to jail. During my jail time, I had to go to court dates for probation violations. And the prosecutor wanted me to stay in jail for a year. for the probation violations because he was like, she's obviously going to re-offend.

And I wrote a letter to the judge and I said, if jail fixed what I have, I would beg for it, jail does not fix this for me. Treatment fixes this. Connection fixes this. My spirituality fixes this, like meetings, like my life that I have outside of here. Like, I've been doing everything, you know. And he agreed with me. And he said, yeah, I'm not going to put you in jail for a year.

That's a recipe for relapse. And he wiped everything. He wiped my fines, he closed my cases, and I was still just like another miracle of recovery. So I do my jail time and I get out and I've been so over ever since, ever since that spiritual awakening. And since then it's just a life I never, ever could have imagined. Wow, incredible.

Going into this, I'm thinking, I have some idea, maybe more than most, about Stephanie's story. and then after I'm hearing this last little part here, I'm realizing that I don't. So thank you so much for shedding light on that because I really like what you said there too. Just to paint a full picture of how it was for you is there was a rock bottom

and you always found that shovel to keep on digging. And I know there's a lot of people that are in that situation right now where it's just going to the basement and the next basement and the next basement. I know you talked about that spear, awakening too. I can relate to that. You know, I was sleeping on my brother's floor and things just all of a sudden made sense that where I was headed wasn't good. It's really hard to explain. The only thing that I'm thinking, though, is like, how do we prevent people from

maybe waiting for that? Can somebody get something like that maybe before that opens up for them? You know what I'm saying? Like, I never want to be that person to be like, you have to wait around for that for something to happen, you know, because that's very, very scary. Oh, yeah. That's death for so many people. And we see that all the time. And I think that's also like the million dollar question of like, how do we get people to get it before it's too late or before it gets so much worse? And so I think sharing stories the way that you do and having a place where people can come and see, because I've even had clients come to me at the treatment center and say they follow you and say that they look at your stuff and I'm just like, this is so awesome because

I don't think I had that. I don't think I had this community or this place where people were sharing their stories so openly, but I think if we could say anything to people, if they're in that situation, it would be, it gets worse. It gets worse. And it doesn't have to. Because I've never met anyone who's in addiction, who all of a sudden still gets to use and life gets better. It's always worse and worse and worse. Every single time someone comes to me after a relapse, They're not happy. They're not like stuff. That was so awesome. They're like, oh my God, it got worse. So I think if we could just convey a message to someone who could be struggling or could be in that place of, you know, ambivalence to sobriety or just not understanding it yet, just to really, I really wish I would have listened to people when they said that it gets worse.

I had to find out for myself and I could have saved myself so much heartache, so much misery, so much money. if I would have just listened and trusted other people who have been through it with this guarantee of it gets so much worse and you don't have to wait around to find out and I don't ever want to be that person either that's like, well, just wait until you get to your bottom because bottom could be so different for everyone, right? My bottom should have been, I got a DUI. My bottom should have been, I've overdosed multiple times and it never was. And it's like, I wish someone would have really just shook me and been like, it doesn't get better. Please surrender. Because I think we try and fight it

and outsmart it and we can't. Like our willpower and our strength and our fighting can help us in so many avenues in our life, but when it comes to addiction, it will kill us. So be strong and have willpower and other facets of your life and in recovery. Surrender because this disease is stronger than we think or that we give credit to. Yeah. Yeah, no, that's good. And that's one of the reasons why I really enjoy doing the podcast here. You know, my hopes to answer that question I pitched there is that I hope that other people can learn from our journeys.

And to say, like, this is where it ends up. And if that's not where you picture yourself or where you would like for yourself to be, then things have to change now because this is progressive. Yeah, I haven't really. experienced that from people to where they had this problem with addiction and then they were able to mold this up in a different way to make it less impactful on their life and people around them. It usually does. And, you know, I mean, we are really good too, though, at maybe moderating for a bit or carrying on a certain way for a bit or faking it a bit. But what I found out in my own journey

and from the hundreds of people I've talked to, eventually it comes back around and it's much worse when it does. It's just something to keep in mind. I think we also just think that we're different. Like I always thought I was different, that I could outsmart it. Those things, those stories I heard,

they're not going to happen to me because somehow my ego always wanted me to say, you're not like these people. You're not like that. It always wanted me to isolate myself from the whole. and when I realized and was told multiple times, like, I'm not unique. I'm not special in this. This disease does not give a shit how smart you are.

It will take you. And that's its goal. And so I think my ability to be like, I'm part of this community and I'm part of this. Because we get sober together. I get messed up. Me on my own, I get messed up. But me with other people and whatever that looks like for you, get in the rooms, get in the conversations, get in the whatever.

it looks like find people and know that you belong there because I always tried to say, no, I'm different. No, I'm different. No, this isn't going to happen to me. And I think that was like such a detriment to my progress in recovery because I always was like, I don't belong here. And I did that everywhere, right? It wasn't that I thought I was like better than people. It was just like, oh, no, I'm different or my story so unique and people don't get me. And it was always this I'm separating myself from the whole. And that did me such a disservice. Yeah, no, for sure. Same thing here. I had that same vision too for myself. I went to my first 12-step meeting. And I was 16-17 at the time. Appearances, we all appeared very different, right? I mean, the next closest age might have been 50,

and I'm just guessing here. But I felt completely out of place. And at the time, the story shared and the messages shared, I couldn't connect with. And as my addiction went on its course, and I reflect back to that first meeting, I mean, I'll never forget it. It was across from high school. It was this building. I always wondered what this building was for. So it is always empty on the bottom floor.

And on the top, I think they did taxes or something. And this was where they held the meetings. When I look back, though, a lot of the stuff that I heard that first meeting rang true. And it was like, I wasn't there yet, but I was headed there. And I think that was basically the message that was being sent my way, is that you're not here yet. At 16, of course, you can completely destroy your life. You can.

But a lot of us, it might be just starting 16, 17, 18. And that's where I was. So I love that so much to really put that ego part aside to say, look, I need some help with this and get connected to other people that can help you that understand the journey that you're on and doing it alone. And I'm just really happy with everything that's available out there now to really help us connect on that level to say like, hey, look, you're not some strange weirdo out there because that's how I felt like I was the only person doing this. You're not alone on this. People look all different kind of ways, all different kind of ages, all different kind of backgrounds, all different kind of careers.

And we're one day at a time. We're just trying to live our best life and stay sober. I think it's so cool. Oh, yeah, absolutely. And we'll always find the reasons not to go. I was like, oh, I'm different. I can't relate to that story, but it's like, I bet I could relate to the feelings.

The specifics of everyone's stories are so different. But if you listen for the feelings, they're pretty damn close, right? The isolation, the feeling alone, the feeling of insecurity, the wanting to stop up, but not knowing how. The loss of trust, the loss of trust in yourself. Like the feelings are the same, like almost universal of like shame, guilt, remorse, scared, fear, all that kind of stuff.

I'm sure a lot of people will hear this story and be like, whoa, I'm not as bad as her. That's okay. But have you felt alone? Have you felt scared? Have you felt insecure? Have you felt like you didn't belong? Because the feelings are the things that I think connect us in different ways. Because the specifics of the story, I don't care.

we all end up in recovery together that's what I care about I care about that people don't die from this disease when it's completely preventable and so to just have those conversations of people and relate to the feelings if somebody's listening to this Stephanie and they're struggling to get her stay sober what couple pieces of advice would you have for them from your own personal journey you know I have a lot of people reach out and ask me this all the time and I'm always like oh I want to see the right thing, but there is no like right thing to say, but I would just say, look at your life very honestly and ask yourself if this is the life that you want. If substances are worth everything it's been taking from you, because I let drugs and alcohol abuse me in my life for so long. And once I finally got honest and really sought for what it was and stopped with all the lying to myself, I was able to see things a little bit differently. And just having that honest look at your own life, I think that opens up a door for you to reach out, to ask for help.

I didn't know there were so many resources out there when I first got sober and there are, even if you don't have insurance, even if you don't have a trust fund. Like there are county funded places. There are free resources. I just told someone today that you guys with a sober buddy, like offering free meetings and things like that, get into the rooms where people are having these kinds of conversations because you will be swept up. Like the love that the recovery community has.

And again, this could be A-A-N-A-A, Dharma Recovery, Smart Recovery, Yoga Studios even like just finding people that you could be like, hey, I'm kind of like you. How can we connect? Tell someone, get honest and ask for help. But there are so many different avenues to recovery these days, which is incredible. just surrender, be honest, and ask for help. That's it in a nutshell. I can get a little wordy. Oh, that's awesome.

And asking for help, when I reflect back to my story, picking up that 3,000 pound phone and asking for help is the only reason I'm here today. And it's that one thing you do in a couple of minutes or seconds that can change everything for you, but you have to do it. You have to be willing to do it. And then the next step after that is when you ask for help, you've got to be willing to do what the help is. Because I get that a lot, too, with people, you know, I think a lot of people are like,

how can I get help? And my secondary question to that is, is always, what are you willing to do to get help? Because I can rhyme off, you know, I mean, we could probably have you in a 12-month faith-based program by the afternoon. Oh, no, I can't do that. So the next question is, what are you willing to do? Do you want to go to a 60-day, 90-day program? Do you want to go to 12-step recovery meetings?

Do you want to get a therapist? Do you want to download a mobile app? And I think that's the reflection we have to kind of have. And when we ask for it, be willing to go all in. And for me, when I went into it, I knew nothing. What anybody told me, I was a sponge. My best thinking, my smartest, my brightest, you talked about this a little bit too,

ended me up in a situation where I was very unhappy, just to keep it short. But I had to really listen to other people. But Stephanie, this has been incredible. Is there anything you have before we sign off for the episode? Well, you just made me think of something of the willingness to take action because my mantra that I live by and I tell my clients this a million times is recovery lives in your feet. Like you have to move.

You have to take action because I can sit here and talk about wanting to get sober all I want. But unless I change my behaviors, nothing's going to change. And so I love what you said of go into it. like your respond, take suggestions because you don't have to do this alone is what I would just want to tell people. I could never do it alone. And I've never met anyone who did it alone, actually. So we do it together and move your feet. Move your feet. Get out of your head. That's where addiction lives. Get into your feet and start moving into action because there's a beautiful life waiting on the other side of the substances. And it's fun over here. So come on in.

We're having a good old time over here. Yeah, so true. But yeah, thank you again. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us today. Yes, of course. Thank you for having me. Thank you for everything you're doing. It really is making a difference.

I hope you know that. Thank you. Well, there it is, everyone. Another incredible episode. Huge shout out to Stephanie for being sober since August 22nd of 2015. Look, if you enjoyed this episode, be sure to send her a message. Her Instagram handle is I am Stephanie Noble. I'll drop the link to that too in the show notes below.

Be sure to shoot her message and definitely check out that holiday episode if you haven't had a chance to yet. Some people message me. They listen to it a couple times already. And they may be planning for another one over to holidays if they need some extra support. So as always, thank you, thank you, thank you for the continued support on the podcast. Everybody get another day. Let's go into these holiday seasons and just, smash our sobriety, start the new year on the right foot, and it's going to be so much better

that way. So I'll see you on the next one.