Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Teri aka @Sassysobermum shares her inspirational story of giving up alcohol on April 29, 2019.

Episode Date: June 12, 2023

Teri aka @sassysobermum made the life-changing choice to embrace sobriety on April 29th, 2019, putting an end to years of excessive drinking that had begun to overshadow her desired lifestyle. Initially, alcohol had provided enjoyment, relaxation, and a means of social connection with friends and peers. However, over time, it transformed into a habit of solidarity and uncontrollable consumption, which deeply troubled her. As Teri entered her 40s, she reached a pivotal moment where she knew she had to make a change. Alcohol was no longer serving her well, and she yearned to discover a different path for her life. After enduring yet another chaotic night out with her friends, she summoned the courage to take the bold step of quitting drinking altogether. Teri's journey is shared on the "Sober Motivation" podcast, where she recounts her story of transformation and newfound inspiration. -------------- Support the Show HERE Follow Sober Motivation on Instagram Download the SoberBuddy App Check out Soberlink 

Welcome back to season two of the Subur Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. Terry, aka Sassy Sober Mum, made the life-changing choice to embrace sobriety on April 29, 2019, putting an end to years of excessive drinking that had began to overshadow her desired lifestyle. Initially, alcohol had provided enjoyment, relaxation, and a means of social connection with friends and peers. However, over time, it transformed into a habit of solidarity and uncontrollable consumption, which deeply troubled her.

As Terry entered her 40s, she reached a pivotal moment where she knew she had to make a change. Alcohol was no longer serving her well, and she yearned to discover a different path for her life. after enduring yet another chaotic night out with her friends, she summoned the courage to take the bold step of quitting drinking altogether. Terry's journey is shared on the Sober Motivation podcast, where she recounts her story of transformation and newfound inspiration. And this is Terry's story on the Sober Motivation podcast. This episode of the show is brought you by Sober Buddy and Sober Link.

Check out a quick message from each of them. The Sober Buddy app. This community is one of the most support. I've ever seen. Starting with the meeting hosts who lead with support, kindness, and understanding, when someone falls, the community rallies to help support and encourage. People from all different countries who show up as strangers leave as friends. It is a true example of community and connection.

What makes sober buddies special is everyone is working on the same mission to get another day sober so we can live our best lives and to provide a safe place so no one feels they have to do it alone. Check out the app today or head over to your sober buddy.com and come and join us for some of our live support groups. It's hard to find the motivation to get sober when you're in the trenches of addiction. It's easy to say I'll stop tomorrow or I'll cut back tonight.

What's harder is putting action behind those words. That's why I've teamed up with Soberlink. Soberlink's remote alcohol monitoring system was specifically designed to help in your recovery, not just some breathalyzer you buy at the store. small enough to fit in your pocket and discreet enough to use in public. Soberlink devices combine facial recognition, tamper detection, and real-time results so friends and family know instantly that you're sober and working towards your recovery goals. Visit Soberlink.com slash recover to sign up and receive $50 off your device.

So grateful for the sponsors of the show and all the partners and everybody who is behind the scenes that make all this possible. if this is bringing some value to your life and it's helping you out in your journey or you're really enjoying it, it would mean the world if you're in a position to donate a few dollars just to keep things going. Head over to buy me a coffee.com slash sober motivation to donate today and I'll drop that link in the show notes. Now let's get to it. I wanted to jump in here really quick before we get into Terry's story and talk about the word moderation.

moderation. Moderation is this new word I feel that's really come to the alcohol-free world or sober-curious world is about moderating. And I had somebody last week reach out to me about what is the best way to get sober or cut back, aka moderation. When I think about this in my head, I would say most of us have tried to moderate for many years before we get to the point of understanding that we need to get sober. Like we've tried not to drink too much on Sunday

because we have to get back to work on Monday. We've told ourselves we're only having two or three and we end up having more. And I think moderation is definitely works for some people, but I also wonder how much energy, effort, and brain space is it taking up for you to be able to maintain this moderation? And could that be put to better use to improve your life or achieve goals that you've set out for yourself?

maybe something to think about if you're stuck in this place of a desire to moderate, look into what actually alcohol is. I did a couple Google searches over the weekend because I was just interested to see how this would be answered. But how addictive is alcohol? On most of the list that I found about the top five addictive substances, alcohol was definitely in the top five in all of them. And most of them it was number two behind heroin. So if you're wondering why moderation is not working, maybe have a look into some of that stuff.

Now let's get to the show. You're going to love this one. Welcome back to another episode of the Sobermotivation podcast. Today we've got Terry with us. Terry, how are you? I'm very good. Thank you. Yeah, good.

Awesome. Thank you so much. Why don't you take us back? What was it like for you growing up? Yeah. So I grew up in the middle of English. in mainly the 80s. So back then it was, there was quite a lot of drinking, I think.

My parents, my mum used to drink, my aunties drunk, and it just felt like there were always adults getting together and socialising. And to be honest, always looking like they were having an absolute ball. I actually have a lot of really happy memories of those sorts of meetups and parties where the kids would just run riot until probably about midnight until somebody finally realized that we needed to go to bed. And we'd be making dens and just, I don't know, sledging down the stairs, stealing packets of crisps.

and the adults would just be having a great time, always lots of booze. And so I think that those are my earliest memories of kind of drinking in my childhood. My mum, I think, I don't know what age I was at, but I realized that my mom, she drank quite regularly. And probably around sort of nine or ten, I started to become aware of that she would go to work and then she would come home and she would drink whiskey and Coke and smoke lots of cigarettes because, again, in 80s, lots of people just smoked indoors and it just felt like everybody smoked. And so I think around that time, I started to see a few of the more negative kind of side effects, I suppose, of drinking. My mum and dad would fight quite a lot. My dad would be angry at my mum for drinking.

And she would hide bottles in weird places to me as a kid, like the bathroom cupboard and and things like that. So I was always kind of aware that this was a bit of an issue. And there'd be some fighting, some physical fighting as well. And when I look back, it was always almost as if my mum was always looking for a fight. I think she was quite angry at the world. And so when I got to my teenage years, I started trying to. drinking at 14. I know this is very common. And I used to go down to the park with my friends and we would drink. And it was a weekend thing. And we literally, as soon as we started, it was every weekend.

We would just be like, let's get our pocket money. Let's get the booze. Let's try and get someone to buy it. Let's have some cigarettes and let's just get drunk in the park. And at the same time, my relationship with my own mom started to become quite tense and frayed. I think that her, drinking was starting to impact my life quite a bit. And I would find her increasingly quite embarrassing, saying stupid things in front of my friends, just trying to pull me down a bit. And yeah, I think that our relationship started to crack quite a lot during that time. And I think when I look back at my drinking, I just got a big escape when I was going down the park. And I, everybody was drinking in the same way, but I do wonder now looking back whether, for me,

I think even in those early days, there were times when I was aware that it was just switching, switching off, switching things off. So, yeah, so I think, I think from a childhood point of view, it was quite mixed. But one thing is that I just couldn't wait to be able to start drinking and just feel like I was grown up. And yeah. And so anyway, drinking in my teen, this was obviously the fun that goes with that is quite fun at the time. But I think even in my teenagers, there were moments where it got a bit edgy.

And I made some decisions that I think I started, even at that really young age, I think I felt shame around. And I think that. For me, sadly, that was a pattern of behaviour that continued all throughout my drinking life. I think whenever I drank alcohol in my 20s and my 30s, I only had one outcome, which was get drunk. Like, I never learned how to have two glasses of wine with dinner and just be sophisticated, or at least that's what my, that's what I thought sophistication was, was being able to. just have a couple of glasses of wine and enjoy food, but that never happened for me. Whenever I went out, it was always, if I had one glass of wine, I would have 10.

And whether that was out with friends, out after work, or at home on my own, maybe not 10 glasses of wine on my own, but certainly I would be able to get through a bottle of wine without any real concern. As I got into my sort of 30s and especially when I had kids and things, you know, I was expecting my lifestyle changed quite dramatically. And I was very disappointed that it didn't. I was quite shocked that actually when I had kids, I was really excited to start drinking again.

And I think there's a lot for especially, I mean, I can't speak for men, but certainly for women who have a whole program. thing and I don't know I felt a lot of shame in that that kind of drinking put the baby to bed have some wine when the baby was down it just it didn't feel great for me but I did it anyway and later on in my 30s I a kind of fairly significant relationship broke down for me I had two young children I became a single mom and I had a couple of stints with sobriety before before then so I was aware of when you didn't drink you felt better. But it was just so easy to keep justifying drinking because, you know,

of the reward and I was on my own and I was lonely and I got above and I wasn't drinking every night and I wasn't, I was managing to my version of moderation was it's okay so long as I just have one bottle. When I think about that now, I find that absolutely madness that one whole bottle of wine is my version of, was my version of moderation, because that's a lot. That is a lot. But yeah, I think basically I went out and a night out with my girlfriends and I was 41, so I just got into my 40s. I went out on a night out and I just drank too much. Same old, same old. And I woke up and I had that spontaneous sobriety moment where I just woke up and I thought, do you know what? I am so fed up. I just can't do this anymore. I hate myself. I hate what my life is

becoming. I had a new partner. I was really happy. We were engaged, been married. I just had a lot of things that were going really well for me. And I just felt like alcohol was just dragging me down. And my partner doesn't drink very much. And so he's a, he's very take it or leave it drinker. And for the first time in my life, I had someone that just wasn't getting cained all the time. Like, I was so used to. And I think in terms of my previous relationships, I'd always chosen quite boozy or party partners. But this partner, who's now my husband, he just would have one beer and that would be enough. And I think that just secretly, that started to, it's, I started to become aware of it more. It really highlighted to me like, why do I need a third glass of wine? He's just got

some orange squash. We're just watching telly. I was playing with those thoughts a little bit and I'm starting to feel a bit embarrassed even though he wasn't saying anything. I don't think he really realized. He didn't really pay a lot of attention. I was very good at drinking when he wasn't around because, you know, that drinking on your own is always the best kind of drinking because no one's judging you. But I think the thoughts were starting to become a bit more aggressive and a bit louder and then I went on this night out. I got too drunk. I kind of blacked out. That was quite a common thing for me. And I woke up the next day and I was just a mess. I was physically and emotionally a mess, a wreck. And I just had this kind of this fleeting thought that if you

don't do something about this, you are going to ruin your life. I just thought, I don't want to get to that point where I'm going to have the big rock bottom or I'm going to do something stupid and just change my life forever in a bad way because of this stupid thing, alcohol. And I think, I don't know, I just woke up that day and I just thought, right, that's it. I'm never drinking again. That's it. Has to go. And it did. I mean, it's not really easy, obviously. But, you know, that's where that came from, that thought. Yeah, wow. That's incredible. And when was that? I was 41 and that was in April. I think I went out of the 27th of April.

It was a weekend away with my girlfriend. So it was, yeah, 28 was the Sunday. I woke up. I couldn't, I could barely get myself to breakfast with the girls. I just felt in a really, really deep funk, like a bad depression. I felt so anxious and depressed. I knew I had to drive home and I was very hungover, probably over the limit. And I'd have to drive home for an hour.

and then face, face the movie, even though I hadn't done anything bad, I just felt bad. And my kids were going to be coming back from their dads at 4 o'clock. And I knew that it was just going to be another afternoon where I didn't have the energy to deal with them. Like, I wouldn't be bothered. And I just hated all of that. I didn't want to live like that again anymore. I was just like, I was so burnt out from it. And I feel such immense gratitude.

for that very dark day because I worry that if I hadn't had that experience or just if things didn't line up in that way, I worry about where I'd be right now. Would I really be here? And obviously here is a much happier place for me. But yeah, it was certainly not on the cards. I knew on and off throughout my 20s and 30s that my drinking got me into trouble sometimes and that sometimes I felt, oh God, maybe I should just stop this, but then quickly convince myself that I'm fine. Or my friends would say, don't be too hard on yourself, Terry. You're fine. And I go, yeah, yeah, I am, aren't I? I'm fine. And then, you know, another two years of go by and something terrible would happen and then you, like, go around the various way and again

thinking maybe I should sort, you know, but so I had a lot of those sorts of moments, I think, in the sort of couple of decades before I finally stopped. But I was definitely, I was definitely probably without realizing there was a sober curiosity, I think. I had actually read the unexpected joy of being sober in the February of that year. I went away on a work trip to San Francisco and I was reading that book and I was trying very hard to control my drinking on that work trip. And I did really well for three days, but then the last day I went over the top.

and I drank too much. And it was just, I don't remember go to bed and all those things that you just don't want to be doing on a work trip with work people. It happens a lot, but for me,

I was starting to feel like I just couldn't cope with the aftermath of that stuff. And so I think there was that period of February, March, April, I probably was in a more curious phase without really realising because I didn't know that term back then.

and I always know it quite well now, but that one night, I think I went into that night thinking, it's okay, Terry, you're really good at moderating, you can do this, this is fine, you can enjoy this night with your girlfriends. And then I just like literally arrived at three or five in the afternoon. It was like I'd probably drunk a bottle of wine by five. I mean, I was just drinking so quickly. I was so over-excited.

And then went out in the evening and don't think I ate, I never ate when I was drinking. Why would you? And then it was like cocktails and blah, blah, blah, blah. And basically from about nine o'clock, I can't remember much at all. But yeah, I was up until 3 or 4 a.m. Still drinking, going hard, all that stuff. And then I just think in the morning, I don't know, it was like something changed. It was like a feeling, overwhelming feeling of, I just can't do this anymore. Wow, that's powerful. Thanks for sharing that with us. I'm wondering, too, if you things stood out to me that you that you shared there too right 14 when you share like you started drinking at 14 and you i think you mentioned there that it was like fairly common yeah to start at 14

and i'm thinking too yeah that was thing i'm seeing a shift though now in today's world where a lot of young people are leaving it and i think it's an incredible thing that they're not really getting in getting started on it but i'm also thinking how do you have access in everything at 14 i know you shared the story with your mom there and maybe it was more acceptable or looked away from, but did anybody pick up on it at 14 that you're drinking in the park and stuff? I think that, so the interesting thing is that when I look back at, and I do think this is the time that I was alive in back then, I do think that it was so much more acceptable to drink at that age. Like now, if I look at a 14-year-old now, I'm just like, oh my God,

The 14 year old is so young. But when I was 14, I looked older and I supposedly put makeup on and things like that. At 14, 15 years of age, I was able to go to the off license, which is like the corner shop. And I was able to buy alcohol for me and my friends with fake ID. And it was just, I think you could go into pubs and get served back then in the UK. Like in the villages and stuff like that. I think people just turned a blind eye a lot more than they, I mean, now people are quite straight. But also for my, I think maybe my 14th or 15th, definitely my 16th birthday, I got bought

bottles of alcohol by my mum and my family. I remembered being really proud of having, probably not 14 actually, but certainly at 16. I remember having a bottle of like taboo, a bottle of Tia Maria, a bottle of martini Rosso, which is like the red. martini. These were very common drinks back then. And yeah, so culturally, I think, you know, at 14, my mum was giving me cigarettes. I was given quite a big amount of pocket money back then. So it was almost a bit like, I just think back in the 80s and 90s, it was just, it was more widely acceptable culturally, certainly in the UK and definitely where I, was growing up, which was quite village, small village life, you know, you tried to hide it from

your parents. And most parents did care about stuff like that. And I think my dad was quite oblivious, really, what was going on. But with my mum, I think because she was also abroad in quite heavy drinking, and she was quite young as well. My mum was only 19 when she got pregnant with me and she had me at 20. So by the time I was 14, she was 34, so it was like 11 years younger than I am today. I mean, she was quite young. At 34, I was still going out and getting absolutely wrecked.

Like, you know, I was going out at work and then partying all night with people at 34. And so she was that age. So I just think that there was an element of kind of, it just doesn't matter. Which is quite sad, but I just think, that's the way that it was. It just doesn't really, that's what kids do and that's okay. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, kids are definitely going to experiment and stuff and not everybody's probably

going to end up with a problem drinking or whatever it is, right, down the road. I'm wondering, too, that last day, after you had the night out with your girlfriends there, did you have other mornings like that where the anxiety was so high and everything else throughout the two decades, I think it was that? Or was that like the first time where you felt all that stuff? No, I definitely had a lot of times where I woke up and I had that anxiety. But I think, I think so before I, I, I have definitely had many times where I felt the shame and the anxiety of, oh my God, what have I said? What have I done? That kind of panic and texting friends,

oh, what happened last night? Was I stupid? Was I this? Was I that? Just like constantly searching for information and validation that my behaviour wasn't that bad. And whenever somebody said,

oh, actually, you were a nightmare. And da-da-da-da-da. I was like always trying to turn that into something funny. I was like, where is the funny bit of this? Come on, let's find the funny bit of this and let me just laugh this off. so I didn't realize that I was suffering from anxiety like this. I'm not an anxious person,

but I definitely, after drinking, suffered from bouts of anxiety the following morning. And in my late sort of 20s, I do remember having conversations with people, friends mainly, trying to explain this feeling of anxiety that I didn't know was anxiety at the time. I think we've become a lot better in society at labelling things. and understanding what different things mean. But back then, I didn't realize that overwhelming worry and fear and just concern over my behaviour or what might happen next time and all that stuff.

I didn't realize that was anxiety. And I remember some friends saying, like, oh, hey, look, you're being so hard on yourself. And then I would feel shame for that as well. I would just think, okay, so not only do I feel for this anxiety, but what I learned in that experience is this anxiety is not safe. You're not allowed to feel these feelings of anxiety, or at least you're not allowed to share other people because other people are going to make you feel like something's wrong with you

for having those feelings and that you are broken in some way. And I definitely, I had a lot of underlying self-esteem issues. I think a lot of that came from my childhood, that kind of parents arguing, feeling, I guess, responsible as kids do, you know, feeling responsible for your parents not being happy or there would be fights and I would hear my name being brought up and I'd be called into those arguments.

And obviously when you're like five, six, seven, eight, nine, you don't understand, you haven't got the emotional maturity or capacity to understand, oh, I know what's going on there. my parents are just having a fight because there's tension or whatever. You just think, oh my God, what's going on? And you just in that threat mode, aren't you? And so I think, yeah, I just, I definitely felt, I definitely felt like I had that feeling,

that overwhelming feeling of anxiety. But I just, the only way that I can describe it is, and I don't know for how long I felt like this, but certainly must have been around at least a year, or so before I gave up properly. I felt like I was living on a knife edge. I literally felt like, how do I know the next time I go out, I'm not going to do something stupid or something that's going to call the rug from under my feet? I don't know. I just, I just, I felt really scared of that. I was really aware of it. I think that was anxiety as well and fear and things. But I only had that

anxiety about alcohol. I'm not anxious in life normally. I don't, I've not really been a sufferer of anxiety. I only had that anxiety, I think, around my drinking because I knew that I could only control it for so much and that there were always, you know, if I drank 10 times, nine times I'd kind of managed to just keep it in line. And the 10th time, I'd be like veering off the, off the motorway going off the edge of a cliff and I just hated that it's like that roulette feeling like time is it going to be this time

so yeah it's horrible yeah no I hear you on that yeah it becomes that unmanageable part where you just a lot of people share about it they just didn't know what to expect like you said nine out of ten times things were okay wasn't a complete disaster

you were able to stay within the lines but then that one time and you never know when it's going to hit, but that one time you really put yourself in a position where the consequences could be serious stuff, especially since you mentioned with blacking out and stuff, I had a few experiences with that too. And it's scary. And I was engaged in behaviors where, personally,

I was lucky to make it out alive, and I have no idea how I did. But when you look back, it's like, wow, that was scary. But for me, at the time, it's even scarier to think that it wasn't enough to when you go back. Man, that happened. And then, yeah, it seemed like in my mind, I normalized it so fast. And nobody around me really said anything. My girlfriend at the time came and picked me up the next day.

When I was like driving this car aimlessly one night ended up at a buddy's house. No idea how I got there. You know, sleep on his couch. And when I look back, it was all good people involved. They were really good people, but it wasn't taken very serious. I don't know that anybody had pulled me aside and was like, this is not really funny. I think everybody was kind of like, yeah, yeah. And I think that I don't even think after that we even, it was ever brought up again.

You know what I mean? And it's just, wow, that should have been, for me, that should have been a motivating factor sort of a thing where it's, wow, like something is, something's up here. And it really wasn't. So I'm with you on that. The anxiety and stuff too, yeah, it's kind of, it's strange how, I don't know that it goes away necessarily for everybody, but how much it, how less of an impact it has on us, right? Once we quit drinking. It's, wow. A lot of people, too, you hear a lot of stories right there going to see their doctor and getting medications and stuff, which is all incredibly great stuff.

But when you, when you don't tell the whole story about the booze, it's, oh, yeah, there's that too. I think that that's a really interesting point because I work with mainly women and some of the kind of anxiety recovery is phenomenal when they stop drinking and then they get you know so many months into that journey they can almost completely stop taking anxiety medication and they've just suddenly the penny drops that they have been feeling very anxious. from, say, their late teens when they were starting to drink in college. And that just carried on throughout their 20s and maybe sometimes in their 30s and 40s. And that having a six months off of drinking can almost completely remove that anxiety that's been on their back that whole time. And I just find that so amazing. But I think that now, especially being in this sober sphere that we're both in, we're

realizing that the conversation is getting louder, it's broadening, and there are more people that are dipping their toe in the sober waters. And quitting drinking is not something, it's not just for alcoholics, and it's not something to feel ashamed of. And it's more of a lifestyle choice much more than it ever has been. And I think that, is so lovely because people are actually changing their lives and having these huge transformations, just as I have. I feel like I had no idea. When I woke up that morning and I felt these things and I was under such a big cloud of shame and I went home and I think I cried quite a bit for my fiance and I was just like, I'm just so fed up and,

He comforted me and was like, okay, you know, do what you want to do, what you think you need to do. And I just went into planning mode. This is what I'm going to do. I'm just going to stop. And, you know, I was afraid and I had all that. And I was, you know, I was nervous about what this meant for me. Because for me, I drunk for 27 years. Even at 41, I drunk for a really long time, more than half my life.

And life, I had no idea what it looked like. without drinking. I'd done a few stints of it before, but I really, for me personally, I didn't actually approach my sobriety kind of one day at a time. I was like, I am straight in and that's it. I'm doing it. Like just, for me, it was just the only way to tackle it. I am never drinking again. That is it. I'm done. I will do everything in my power to make sure I stay there. And everybody does it slightly differently, but that's what worked for me. And that was frightening because I had to deal with those things like, this is forever. You know, what does, what does forever without alcohol look like? And that was really scary. But I just, I just knew that

I had to make that, that change. And I had no idea that I was going to get all this amazing stuff on toilet. I just didn't realize. I didn't realize there was going to be all this other stuff that would come from me stopping drinking. So back then it was just like, felt like a real, really dark, shameful thing to have to do to stop drinking because I can't control it. And I'm the only one that feels like this. And I realize that's just not true. There's so many people that are struggling, probably even now listening to this, just thinking, God, yeah, maybe I should do the same thing.

Yeah, it's so true, so true. It was 2019, right, that this all happened for you. Yeah. And I mean, I would say it was probably a little bit quieter on social media, at least, than people sharing their stuff, it probably wasn't as loud as it was now. So, yeah, there's that feeling of, yeah, I'm the only one here struggling. Did you know any other sober people in your life? No, I was the, at the time, and up until a year ago, at the time, I was the only sober person,

apart from my dad, to be fair, my dad never drank. But, you know, in touch, but my dad, you know, bless him, he lives hundreds of miles away, and we're very close, but I'm not in his life every day. And he was a non-drinker. So it wasn't like he drunk and then stopped drinking. So he just never liked the taste of drink. But, you know, I remember when I was growing up, like he would get a hard time from all the family.

Come on, have a whiskey. What's wrong with you? Have some fun. Blah, blah. But he always had to fend off the pressure. He would just be like, no, why would I drink? it's disgusting. But so he was a sort of like earlier doctor, I think, of the no drinking thing.

But other than him, I didn't know any, I mean, all of my friends and and my ex-partners and everybody that I surrounded myself with was a drinker. And so I was the only person that was stopping drinking. It was quite alien in my group. And I'm absolutely delighted because I, I, I, I, I, you know, I, you know, I, you know, a year ago today, actually, a very close friend of mine, she took inspiration from one of the posts that I posted, probably around me hitting two or three years sober.

And she really wanted that life as well, and she stopped drinking a year ago today. And so she is my first proper sober friend, someone that I used to drink a lot with sometimes. And she's celebrated, she's in that really glorious zone. of celebrating one year sober today. So that's really nice.

But other than her, no, it's just me. Yeah, wow. Huge congrats to Terry's friend for one year today. That is so cool. I'm wondering too, though. Okay, so you have this, you have this night, right? In the next day, you make this decision or this choice or you start doing it. What are the first steps you take to make this real this time?

Because you must have woken up many, many, many, many other times. I'm only guessing here, Terry. you woke up many, many other times and you're like, today is the day and I'm done. And then by 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock, 4 o'clock, we feel better. Did you have those days, a lot of those days

where you're like, that's it or no? I had definitely had many times where I'd be saying, oh God, I'm never drinking again. But you say that, but then 3 o'clock and you're having a drink. A couple of times before I'd said, right, that's it, I'm not drinking. The first time I stopped drinking for eight and a half months,

but that was because I got into trouble in a relationship and I felt a lot of external pressure to stop drinking. And so I went into it. I gave it my best go. I did eight and a half months, but I didn't do any work in inverted comments. I just put the drink down and just tried to live my life. And so I realize now that that you only get so far when you do that. And that's what happened to me. One day I was at a barbecue and someone said, oh, come on. You deserve a drink now. You've done an eight and a half months.

You've proved that you can stop. Just have one. And I literally just looked at it and went, yeah, oh, let's let's go. And then I did 100 days because when I became single parent, which was a shock and it felt like it was overnight that happened to me. I did a few months of quite heavy drinking to cope with that. And I think I just realized, again, I had that same anxiety. One of these days, you're going to do something stupid, do 100 days, get through this breakup. And it was 100 days. And I did very well. And I felt very good.

But I always knew I was coming back. And I do think when you approach 100 days knowing that you're always going to come back, it is a little bit easier because it is just a break. It is not the work. to get emotionally sober, for example, and make that long term. So I guess I'd had a couple of times where I really wanted to stop, and I did stop for a little bit. And then I had plenty of times where I just woke up super hungover, just thinking, I'm never doing this again, but then a five o'clock I've got a glass of rosé in my hand.

But this time, something changed. It's like something clicked inside. I just, I had a deep knowing I wasn't going to drink again. I just knew. I just knew that was it. I just thought, this is my time, this is my moment. If I don't do this now, it could be too late for me. And I think whatever the combination that happened that day,

it unlocked that acceptance for me that I would never moderate. And I think once I was able to accept that I can't moderate, I just thought, oh, okay, give in. Let's just, okay, let's get sober. Let's just do it. Let's do it. And in true Terry style, let's go like 150 miles an hour into it, all singing, all dancing, bells on the fingers and toes.

Let's give, let's hyper focus and give all the enthusiasm. And that's, that's what I do. I do that with everything I feel passionate about in life. So the first thing I did was I bought the, easy way for women to stop drinking by Alan Carr. Like I said, I had already read the unexpected joy of being sober, but the first book that I bought, and I don't know why I bought that book, but it changed my life that book. It changed my life.

And I know everyone has their books and for different reasons. And I don't think any book is the perfect book, but I do think the way that you open up yourself to take on information. and even if something annoys you about a book, just move past it. Don't let that be a reason to not absorb the good stuff in the book. So, you know, sometimes I felt like that book got a bit repetitive and sometimes there is like criticism from people that I tried to share that with. And I say, yeah, okay, fine, but just move past that.

Just don't worry about it. Just get past it because there are a few messages in that book that really, really opened up my world. and one of them was around the desire for alcohol and not using willpower, which is what I had used before. And I thought you had to use willpower to stop drinking. And I think reading that book, it just opened my mind to the fact that actually,

willpower will only get you so far. What you need to do is undo the desire to drink. You need to challenge your beliefs around what you think you're getting because you're not getting anything. you just think you're getting something. And it was that whole conversation that started to happen to me, for me, on almost like day two,

I downloaded the I Am Sober app so that I could count my days. I got some vitamins. I bought the Alan Car book. I opened up this obscure app on my phone called podcasts, which I'd never listened to a podcast before in my life. I had no idea.

My son-said was listening to podcasts, and he was always talking about them, and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. sounds great, whatever. And then I just typed in sober, I think, or something. And then bang, all this free information was just there. And I basically listened, a gorged podcast. I listened to one or two podcasts every single day for months and months and months.

And I became a little bit, yeah, I guess laser focus is what, because it's kind of being like that. Yeah, no, I love that. I mean, you took action on it, right? And I think that's so important for a lot of people because you have that, you have those mornings or whatever it is, you have those times where you have a little bit more clarity

and you see, hey, like the writing's on the wall, this is a bigger problem than maybe I realized. And then for you, you followed through with some stuff this time. You took some action on stuff. And some people might just do one thing or two things and say, oh, it didn't work. Didn't work back at it and just give honestly a half-ass effort for stuff. Just expect that things to just change right away.

So, I mean, that's incredible that you move on doing some things, right? If you're going to make this real, you've got to gather some information. Yeah, I'm wondering the million dollar question here, Terry. So for you to get to that point, you mentioned 27 years of drinking. To get to that point to where it's hard to really put a finger on it, but to where you, I can't remember exactly what you said. there was a shift, like the way you're thinking, you made sense, like the sobriety stuff and you could do it. How can somebody get there maybe without waiting 27 years?

Yeah. This is a million dollar question, literally. Yeah, I guess, I mean, that is, that is not an easy question to answer. I think everything in life, everything comes from having an awareness. And I think the first thing to do is to pay attention to really, how are you really feeling, forget all the narrative about how fun and brilliant alcohol is, how do you really feel? And how is it impacting your life? And do, how are you, in your day to day, are you feeling optimal or suboptimal? And just things like that. So I think awareness is everything. because without the awareness of what the truth is, what the real role that alcohol is playing in your life,

you just carry on blindly and in denial and just, yeah, you're not able to do anything that you're not aware of. You can't change anything that you're not aware of. So I think that being open to the possibility that you could live, a different and a better life without drinking. As scary as that might seem, I often tell clients to put a lot of their fears in a box on the shelf, because if you literally try to attack everything, you just, you won't start. You won't get going. I say the same thing as well that you mentioned there, action builds motivation. It's not the other way around. So people think that they need to

wait until they're motivated, but they'll be waiting forever. And, And actually by taking some action, you can take action before you stopped drinking. In fact, the Allen Car books and I think books like this naked mind and stuff like that, they're all designed to be read when you're still drinking. And I have definitely had people that have been following my journey on Instagram that have said to me in private messages, I wasn't even looking at stopping drinking. and I just somehow thumbled on your page and a couple of things you said really resonated with me.

I realised I was drinking like that. And now I'm six weeks over and I feel amazing. And I wasn't even on my radar. So I think that it's a challenging, because I know that there are people that probably really want to stop drinking, but for some reason they hold themselves back from that. And I think people also perhaps don't realize

that they are holding themselves back. And again, it's that awareness piece. It's about you have to be very, you have to take the beer goggles off, and be very honest with the situation and think about what you really want and whether you're prepared to do what it takes to give living and alcohol-free life.

an opportunity. And I think that, yeah, you have to just take action on that. For me, I felt like on that morning, I felt, I felt really scared about not drinking again. I didn't just wake up and be like, right, let's go. You know, I was really sad. Do you know what I mean? I was really sad. I grieved. I did all the things that all the people do that I work with now. I went through all the phases. But the pain of quitting drinking, drinking. wasn't as big as the pain of carrying on. And that was the shift for me. I think I'm very good at cultivating belief,

self-belief that I can do and achieve a thing. Even if I don't know how to do it, it doesn't matter. I'll find the tools. And that's what happened to me. When I got sober, after I've made that decision, instinctively, I knew that I needed to write up a plan. And I did. I wrote up a plan for myself,

of which was kind of like reading and books and download the app and go walking, start the couch to 5K running thing. And I just had all these things. And I just poured myself into it. So in summary, awareness is your best friend. And that's not just with alcohol. That's with everything. If you want to change something, it doesn't feel like it's going right for you. Be aware of it first. Pay attention to it. Challenge your thinking around it. Is there any books or any things that you could do that could help build the case of the other option. Can you take those actions and just go with it? Can you be open-minded?

Can you have the self-belief? Yeah, wow, I like that. Those are some great tools for somebody for getting started. So thank you. Yeah, because you always wonder, right? Some people think the rock bottom, you've got to hit some sort of rock bottom, whatever that looks like. And then there's other people, too, with the spontaneous,

You mentioned the spontaneous sobriety to where you're like, okay, this happened and the way things have been. And it sounds like you just came to that awareness, that realization of it's not good. Moderation is not going to be possible for me anymore. Or if it ever was, I'm not sure. But it's not going to be something I can do. And I think that that's the case for a lot of people is that we try to weave and we try to do this and we try to go start drinking after five or sweet. You know, you'll hear so many people. I'm not drinking brown anymore.

I'm drinking clear. When you start thinking like that, that's what you need to get the books. And that's when it's when something's up. Because if you talk with people, which, you know, still baffles me at times, Terry. Like leaving like a drink in the bottom of a drink, some of the liquor or whatever. I'm like, what is going on here? But people who aren't drinking like that are just going through the container. it or leave it type stuff. They're not thinking about switching this up. I always mention this.

If you don't, if you're not thinking if you have a problem with gambling, because gambling is very addictive and has some serious consequences. But if you're not thinking about that you have a problem with gambling, you probably don't. But if you're thinking that you could possibly have a problem with drinking, probably on to something. I mean, I wasn't going to put it that black and white. You probably do, but you know, you're probably in the right direction with it, right? There's something there because I don't think we think that we have problems about other addictions if we don't have problems with them. Yeah, totally. I totally 100% believe that people that don't have an issue with moderation don't need to think about moderating. Basically, if you're having to

moderate and you're having to put some mental effort into that, then you've already got your answer, it's kind of a slippery slope. And actually, look, hey, you can try and moderate for the next 30 years of your life if you want to. Everyone has the choice, right? This is not about you're being right or wrong, but I would challenge the mental efforts and the drain of being in that zone, because moderation is extremely hard work. And it's not 100% reliable, right? From my experience and from the story of the people that I work with or that I'm surrounded by, moderating is maybe like that nine times out of 10

you can do it successfully. It takes a lot of effort, takes a lot of thought work, takes a lot of mental gymnastics, if you like. But then there's always going to be that time, whatever that ratio is, is it 7 out of 10? Is it 9 out of 10?

Is it less? Is it 3 out of 10? that actually you're going to slip up and you're not, you know, at the end of the day, we all kind of in this, in this world that we're in, we know that alcohol shuts down parts of the brain, the more that you have, particularly in a particular session. And if you're having three or four or five wines, your prefrontal cortex is going slowly offline. And that's the thing that's making the good decisions. And so all of your moderation will just go out of the window and you physically kind of, can't help that because unless you stick to a certain amount that's for you, your brain can cope with,

you're always going to end up pressing that effort button so many times out of that 10 because you're just going to drink a bit too much or a bit too quickly and then all of that reason is going to go out the window. So not only have you got all of the mental obsession and energy and effort that you have to put into moderating, you've then got all of the recovery and that. And you know, the same kind of mental, the anxiety and all of that stuff as well, like in that kind of like recovery, Restore phase. And then you're just then starting to focus on that next time again later in the week. And it's just, it's constant.

And I think one of the biggest things that I really remember when I stopped drinking, there were there were two things that really stood out to me. And one of those things was, oh my God, I have so much time. suddenly I've just got all this time because I spent so much of my time drinking like four nights out of seven every week I was drinking wine sometimes five nights

but certainly four nights so not drinking meant that I had all this extra free time now at first I didn't know how to fill that free time so it's like oh my God where is this time come from but now I've fill it and then some and I always feel like

I've got no more time but so that was happening yeah that but fill it with good stuff, right? But that was the first thing. And the second thing I noticed was that the mental chatter just disappeared. And just that whole conversation around, what are you drinking? When are you drinking? How much are you going to not drink? Blah, blah, blah, which was filling my head most nights. That was gone as well. So I had all this free time. And then I had this clearer mind. And that was like, wow, just mind-blowing, that you can give that to yourself. And again, I wasn't aware that I was going to have that. That was like a really positive side effect of just not drinking, which is like

getting my life back, getting more time to do things, and not having the constant chatter, preoccupying my head space, because I wasn't thinking or worrying about or recovering from drinking. Yeah, wow. Yeah, the time thing is you hear that. that so much. I mean, yeah, you really realize. And I love all the stuff you brought there before about moderation. I'm just wondering, too, as we wrap up here, if someone is struggling to get or stay sober, what would you share with them? I would just say, life is short. And I know we say that a lot, and we don't really think about it. There's a quote that I saw early on in my sobriety, and it just really sticks with me.

And it's a quote from Buddha. And it says, the problem is we think we have time. And it's just, it's so true. We don't really have time. Time is escaping us, is passing us by at supersonic rate all the time. And we don't know how long we have left and all of that stuff. And I just think that when you're in that pattern of getting up and drinking and just doing what you've always done, you are cheating yourself of really experiencing true joy and life without

needing to escape yourself. And so I would just say to people, just try it. Just try 100 days. Just try 100 days. A hundred days seems like a lot in your lifespan. Hopefully it's nothing. Just try it. The other thing I would just say as well is, you know, the thing that really helped me are all the things that I think we always repeat on these sorts of shows. And I know I do it on my own show a lot as well. But invest in yourself. Invest in yourself. Read the books. Listen to the podcast. Do the journaling. Do the things. There is so much. There is so much information out there now. And so much of that is free information as well. So these podcasts, free information, just do what you can to build up your knowledge and

you will not believe how much you can change your life and transform yourself and your relationship with yourself. Yeah, wow, those are incredible. I also like too where you mentioned further back there, right, if you're struggling and you're still drinking, start plugging into this stuff. Listen to the shows, read the books. You don't need to be committed to being sober before you start to take in the information. I think that we often take in a lot of information before we ever go to decide something. It's like on a lot different smaller scale, it's like shopping for an appliance. If you go for an appliance, you've already done your research. You've already checked out the YouTube videos and seen this stuff. You don't just necessarily all the time spend $3,000 just

on a whim walking around Home Depot. You usually, you've usually done a lot of a little bit of research. If you buy a vehicle, you're going to do some research and check it out and make sure that's a good choice and you're getting a good price. Do the same thing for sobriety or for recovery or for alcohol-free or for whatever it looks like for you. If you're struggling, do a little bit of research. I know it feels a little weird because you're like, well, I'm doing the complete opposite of everything. Just start to take stuff in. Plant the seed, right? Absolutely. And I would just say on that note, that final note, give yourself permission. to put yourself first.

I think as drinkers, we are people pleases a lot of the time or that's just been our identity, being the fun joking one or being the big drinker. And we're afraid to step out of that and find who we really are or do what we really want. We just think we have to do things to, because we've either always done them or to make other people happy. But give yourself permission to buy something different

and to change. You don't have to be the same person all your life. Now is a better time than, or is a good time as any, to go for it. And action creates motivation. So like you just said, take the action first and let the motivation follow.

Yeah. Terry, is that a guarantee that I'll be motivated if I start taking action? Good question. I think that for me, when I take action, it definitely cultivates motivation.

So I do think that by, it's that atomic habit thing, isn't it? I'm not sure if you read that book, but, you know, if you do the thing and you do it consistently, even or especially when you can't, we've wanted to do it, just by doing it,

you just create that pattern and that habit. And with that, does come more motivation. Yeah. And it's certainly a more reliable way of going into it than just waiting for the motivation because that is quite often not going to result in in any positive change because people will wait forever for the right time.

Yeah, beautiful. I love that. Where can people find you if they want to check out everything that you've got going on? I know you're working on a lot of stuff. Yeah, so I'm on Instagram at Sassy Sober Mum. I have a podcast as well. So you can search sassy sober mom or sober stories from everyday people. And I also have a website, which is sassysobermum.com.

And on there, you can find links to the podcast and my thrive online. At the moment, women's only group membership and coaching services. So, yeah, it's all that. Thank you. So you have two podcasts? No. I just have the one. It's sober stories from everyday people by Sassy Sober Mom.

So there's a couple of sober stories podcasts. So it's kind of a popular name. So sometimes it's easier to search Sats and Sober Mom in the podcast. But you can find it on my website, worst case. So it's all on there. Yeah. Awesome. Yeah.

So if you just Google Sober Sassy Mum, you'll probably find Sousy Mom. You'll probably find. I'll be finding something, right? Or sassy sober mom. It's a bit of a tongue twister, isn't it? Yeah, it used to be sober sassy mom, and then I changed it to sassy sober mom. So anyway, I'm sure if you put sassy and mom,

it will come up. Look, thank you so much for jumping on here and sharing everything. This was awesome. That's a pleasure. Thank you so much. Lovely to talk to you today. Well, another incredible episode. the books. Look, if you got anything from Terry's story, you enjoyed it. You just want to send her a

message and say thank you. Please do that. I think it's so important that we support the people who come on the show, open up and become vulnerable, so that we can learn something and we can be inspired to get another day. So send her a message at Sassy Sober Mum, M-U-M-N-on on Instagram. And I appreciate all of your support. If you have not left a review yet on Spotify or Apple, jump over there and do that for sure. Make sure you're subscribed to the show and let's go. I'll see you all on the next one.