Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - The Hidden Cost of Shame | Jason’s Quit Drinking Story

Episode Date: July 17, 2026

Jason spent decades believing he had everything under control.He built a successful career, became known as the guy who could outdrink almost anyone, and convinced himself that because he was still functioning, he didn’t really have a problem.But behind the scenes, alcohol—and eventually cocaine—had quietly become the solution to every uncomfortable feeling. Anxiety. Loneliness. Shame. Divorce. The pressure to keep it all together.After watching his mother die from alcohol-related liver failure, Jason knew he had to change. He quit drinking… but discovered that removing alcohol alone wasn’t enough. Recovery didn’t truly begin until he found honesty, connection, and a community where he no longer had to hide.In this episode, Jason shares:Growing up between divorced parents and constantly starting overCollege drinking, drugs, and the rave sceneBuilding an identity around being “the party guy”What it really means to be a functional alcoholicWhy quitting alcohol didn’t solve everythingThe shame of hiding addiction while appearing “sober”How connection finally broke the cycle of relapseWhy he now believes sobriety is a superpowerWhether you’re trying to quit drinking, coming back after another relapse, or supporting someone you love, Jason’s story is a reminder that recovery isn’t about perfection—it’s about finding the courage to keep showing up.If this episode resonates with you, please follow the podcast, leave a review, and share it with someone who needs to hear it today.Jason on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jasondlyman/Sober Motivation Mobile App: https://apps.apple.com/app/sober-motivation-app/id6759266291Sober Motivation Website: https://www.sobermotivation.comSupport the Podcast: https://buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivationContact me anytime: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm drinking a lot by myself at home. I would wake up in the middle of the night because alcohol is great to put you to sleep, but it's terrible to keep you asleep. And so the alcohol would wear off, and I'd wake up just tons of anxiety. And I would, middle of the night, come down and take a couple of big swigs of whiskey to be able to go back to sleep. And then I can remember sitting in a meeting one time, hoping that the people in the meeting couldn't smell my coffee and whiskey that was in my cup.

But I needed it because that was the only way I was going to make it through the day. Every recovery story matters, but every once in a while, one reminds you exactly why hope is worth holding on to. Before I ever met Jason, he was sitting alone in his car listening to these conversations, wondering if he'd ever stay sober long enough to share his own experience. And this is Jason's story on the sober motivation podcast. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got my buddy Jason with this. Jason, how are you?

Brad, I'm doing great, man. How are you? Yeah, I'm good, dude. Happy to connect with you on the podcast and have you share your story with all of us. Yeah, I appreciate you having me on, man. I'm looking forward to this. Yeah, beautiful. So what was it like for you growing up?

I got to be honest, Brad, to have you asked that question to me and hear that is really surreal because I've listened to your podcast for over a year. I heard you ask that question to so many different people around the world and sat in my car and thought, you know, maybe someday I could string together enough days to one day be a guest on here. So it's so cool. My childhood, it's funny. Like, I think it was normal, but that's just because that's what I knew. My mom and dad divorced when I was very young.

I think I was probably two. I actually don't ever remember my mom and dad being married. I grew up mostly with my mom, who was a single mom, and was born in Denver, Colorado. We lived here until I was in about third grade and then moved to Ohio. I spent most of my life with my mom. I have a younger brother, who's about 10 and a half years younger than me. We have different dads. But everything I think was pretty normal, you know. We moved a lot. That's what I will say. I always tell people from first grade, kindergarten through almost until I got into high school, I attended a different school every year, almost every year, sometimes two different schools in one year. And so everyone always asked if my family was military, and that's just that wasn't the case. It was just that we moved a lot. And so I think because of that, I got used to making friends pretty easily, pretty quickly. And yeah, I mean, I can't really recall anything that sort of stood out as being not ordinary. I mean, regular childhood.

Mom did the best that she could being a single mom. She worked very hard. Sixth grade, I decided that I wanted to go and live with my dad for a couple of years. You know, I used to see my dad once a summer, usually, and maybe. sometimes on a holiday or something like that, but my relationship with my dad during my childhood really was limited to phone calls and then those visits. And so I went out to visit him once, and I think it was probably fifth grade, and he had remarried, and she had a couple of kids, a daughter that was a year older than me, a son that was a few years older than me.

And when I went out to visit this at this time, it seemed like this ideal family unit, at least in my, you know, young mind. I was coming from, my mom had just had my brother, and it was just my mom. I came back that summer and I told my mom that I thought I wanted to go live with my, try living with my dad. And that family, I wanted to see what it was like to live, you know, in a family. And when I had gone to visit, it was like kind of like idyllic. They went to church every Sunday. They were very involved in church. I just wanted to see what that was like.

And so the next year, I moved out. And when I got there, it was just not like that anymore. It was completely different. My dad drank, and at times I think drank a lot. There were times during those two years that he was working on my grandparents' motor home, remodeling the inside. and it took, you know, it was a long project, but I can remember he would come home from work and just spend the whole evening out in the motorhome

doing cabinets, doing remodeling on the inside. And I'd go out a couple times, and he was pretty well through, like a big jug of wine. And it wasn't all the time. But definitely, I think that's the first time I really noticed something like that. And I heard stories of drinking, too. And so it wasn't, I wouldn't say,

Like, I don't know if it was daily. I don't know any of that. I just, there were just a few times that I remember. And there were, you know, those two years that I spent out there were very difficult for me. My stepbrother, I think, was into drugs, was into drugs and drinking. There was an instance I can remember where he was fighting with his mom, arguing with his mom, left the house. I'm hearing all this going on and left the house. Nobody knew where he went. People were trying to get a hold of him. Obviously, this was before cell phones, things like that.

So they were looking for him, and I went out back, and I'm just kind of playing out in the backyard, and all of a sudden I look over and I see his body just lying, crumpled up next to the house. And I just, I just screamed. I for sure thought he was dead. It turns out that he wasn't. there was blood and stuff. And so, I mean, there were just some instances, things like that, that really sort of didn't make me feel too good. And so at the end of that two years, I told my dad that I think I want to go back and live with my mom.

I really, you know, I'd go back and visit my mom. And every time I'd have to come back, I just, I really missed it. So in eighth grade, yeah, I went back and moved back in with my mom. My dad told me, and not in a mean way, but my dad said, you know, if you go back, you can't move back here until you're at least done with high school. I want you to stick with one place. And that's really important. And I was like, don't worry.

We're all good there. We're on the same page. What are you doing to look after yourself in sort of this period of your life too? Like, are you sharing with mom sort of things that are going on or how you're feeling about things or it's a little bit uncomfortable or a little bit maybe more chaotic than maybe at your moms. And I'm curious, too, did your dad live back in Denver and your mom's still in the Ohio area? No. So my dad actually lived in Southern California. So that's where this all took place, was right outside of Los Angeles. And for the first year, the second year, we moved up into the

high desert area above Los Angeles over the mountains. And that was a little interesting because it was rural. I made some friends. You know, we do different things when you live out in the desert country like that. So I rode a lot of motorcycles, had a lot of freedom as a kid that age. There was not a lot of supervision, I felt like. And so, yeah, I mean, that in terms of how I dealt with all of that, I really did it. I didn't really talk. I didn't know, I didn't know who to talk to. I didn't really know anything like that. I just knew that I didn't feel comfortable. I just had to, I just had to go. And I have a great relationship with my dad now, you know, and even short, even, you know,

not too long after that, we just, we have a really great relationship. I see him often and he lives not too far away from me now. Yeah. So you go back and this is kind of eighth grade. How did school and everything look like for you? You mentioned kind of bouncing around a lot. That's relatable to me too because we had moved from Canada to Texas to North Carolina. I don't know exactly, but when I kind of look back, I feel like maybe that's where the

chameleon in me began because I was moving from these different places and had to sort of find my way. Like I wasn't the sports guy. I wasn't, you know, the academic, you know, smart guy. So I had to sort of find my way to see how I could maybe get people to like me or to fit in or to make new friends. What was that experience like for you just kind of like maybe starting over a lot? Yeah, man. you're just speaking my language there. I did the same thing. I wasn't great in school.

I think because I didn't have, I had just a lot of freedom at a very young age. There just didn't seem to be a lot of accountability. My grades were average. I got suspended sometimes. I remember one time in seventh grade, I was getting in trouble in class and I got suspended. And so when I moved to Ohio, same thing. I wasn't really into sports. I didn't play a lot of sports here and there. In California, I started getting into skateboarding. And so when I moved back to Ohio, I came back and I was like dressed in skateboard gear

and immediately found my people. Because back then, skateboarding was, it was very alternative. You were a skater and it wasn't like a popular thing. It was, you know, we were kind of outcasts. We didn't have, there were no skate parks. There were, you know, unless you had a friend who had like a homemade ramp in his backyard, really, we just spent the time out skateboarding the street, skateboarding in the city. And still didn't have a lot of, you know, I moved back and my mom worked full time. And then on the weekend, she was going to college to get her college degree.

And so I had, again, just a lot of free time. to myself. My mom was, my mom was strict and she instilled, you know, a good work ethic in me. Like, I had to, I had to have chores done and things like that when she wasn't there. As long as I got them done before she came back, all things were good. So, you know, I do all that and then spend my after-school time or in the summers, like all day, every day, just out skateboarding or playing video games or going to the pool. and I think that that started to lead to some other decisions. Back in, and that's when I, eighth, ninth grade is probably when I started drinking for the first time. I had had some friends from when I had lived in Ohio previously, before I lived with my dad, who had access to beers and things like that.

So I just thought that was normal. It wasn't, you know, I can't, I know I've heard stories of people, you know, the first time they take a drink or first time they drink a beer or whatever, it's just like this instant, like, on switch. It wasn't like that for me. I mean, I can remember enjoying it, and I can remember thinking, you know, like, I know I'm not, I'm doing something bad. I'm not supposed to be doing this, but that was kind of the fun of it, too. Yeah, like live on the edge of it. I mean, that probably goes in line sort of with the skateboard thing. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you know, we were kind of, we were kind of almost like outcasts. You know, made fun of us because of the way we dressed and the music that we listened to and and all of

that kind of stuff which is so funny because it's all you know it's all like mainstream now so to watch that over the course of my life has been kind of cool but yeah i mean drinking drinking um i had i had friends who you know who were into drugs smoke pot i didn't do a ton of that i did it a couple of times here and there but but through high school really i felt it was just normal you know i had a small group of friends. So once I got from junior high end to high school, again, my grades were never great. They weren't the worst. They weren't the best. Just kind of average skating through. And when I got to high school, I had this like really close-knit core group of guy friends. And we're still friends. I think there was probably like maybe eight of us or so. And we weren't

like part of the popular crowd. We weren't part of the drug-using crowd. We weren't jocks. We just were regular dudes and we created these really great friendships. But one of my friends, his mom, stayed with her boyfriend a lot. And so we would have parties at his house because there were no adults there. And we had people who we knew that were over 21 that would buy slicker and beer and anything we wanted to drink. So we'd have these just wild parties. And it was, it was fun. You know, we would drink a lot. Everyone just get silly. I know there's some VHS. test tapes out there floating around with some of my friends of some of our antics. And, you know, I had a friend who worked at a hardware store. We'd build beer bongs and just what I felt was this

normal high school behavior, you know. We didn't do any drugs. We just drank and had no repercussion. And it was fun times. Got my grades actually picked up towards the end, my last two years of high school, enough so that when it was time to apply for colleges, I only applied to a couple of colleges. I got into one, and that was Ohio University, which had a reputation of being a party school, still has a reputation of being a party school. But it is one of the best places on earth. And I finished high school without any issues. I was of my friend group, I was one of maybe three or maybe there's four of us that actually went away to college right away. I just knew that I couldn't stay in my hometown. I didn't want to stay in my hometown. I wanted to

to go away to college. And so that's what I did. Yeah. Throughout this, bringing us up to sort of moving into college, though, a lot of people share sort of their feeling uncomfortable in some aspects of their life or maybe there's something when they look back. They say, hey, you know what, maybe that's sort of what alcohol was maybe helping me with in a certain way, you know, rounding the edges a little bit, making life a little bit more comfortable. Like, was there anything like that for you or no? Yeah. I guess I would say that. You touched on earlier about moving a lot and having to make friends and things like that.

And so I'm always been very adaptable to any situation. And I think it's kind of become a benefit to me as an adult in the career that I have now. But I do think, yeah, during those years, it helped me to loosen up, help me to keep those friendships, helped me to feel like I belonged. Coming out of being a skateboarder where we were kind of outcasts and punks and all that kind of stuff, I wasn't a jock, I wasn't athletic,

but I was super adaptable, and so the alcohol really kind of helped with that for sure, and especially more so as I got into college. I always wanted to be, I always have this need to feel like that people like me. I never want to like, you know, piss anybody off or anything like that. And so alcohol really, really helped with that for sure in those early years. Yeah. Do you realize that at the time, though, or no? Like, are you conscious about like, hey, I... No, because I, because it was just so

normal, or at least I thought, you know, like, I just thought that that's what high schoolers did. And obviously not all high schoolers, but I always heard of big blowout parties that the popular kids would have or the rich kids would have or whatever. And we never went to any of those, but we had our own. And then the older I got, you know, when I would come back and talk with people from high school, like outside of my friend group, you know, I just, it wasn't, I don't know. I didn't think there's anything wrong with it. But it definitely, you know, I think I used that as a means to loosen up and have people think that I was, that I was cool or interesting. or whatever, be able to have conversations.

Yeah. So how does college look for you? So my mom was pretty strict, which is another reason why I wanted to go away. I got into Ohio University without having ever been there. And I remember once I got the acceptance letter, go in to visit for the first time. And Athens, Ohio is just a very, very, very special place. and it is, it's gorgeous, number one,

it's in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains, southeastern Ohio. And what's cool about it is it's just like, it's like a bubble. Like all that's really in Athens, for the most part, is the university. Athens is a very small town otherwise. So it's far enough away. I always tell people like, it was far enough away from home that I couldn't go back every weekend,

but it was close enough to where if I had to go back, I could, or if I was just homesick or whatever. So what was great about it is, like, because it was such a bubble like that, you really, it was just filled with people, kids, who were learning how to be adults and more than just education. You know, I always say, like, college is supposed to be a place where, like, you discover yourself.

You find out, like, what you like. what you don't like, how to be an adult, along with the education, but the personal growth that Athens affords, at least at that time, because as a freshman and sophomore, if you're living on campus, you're not allowed to have a car or you can't park it on campus. So it just made for this environment to where you could experiment, really start to figure out, like, you know, what you're supposed to do in college, right? And so I get to college and drinking ramps up heavily for sure. But again, I felt like that's just part of the normal college experience. You know, we had, there's a small area in Athens called Uptown. There's like a bazillion bars up there.

I found someone to make me a fake ID, a really bad fake ID, but it worked, you know? Like, McLeod? No, actually. So this is a funny story. So back then, your driver's license, it was laminated. And you could peel up the top layer. And so I found this girl that I went to high school with, funny enough, but she peeled up the layer and then, like, colored in where my birth date the year was and somehow made it look like I was 21. And then, like, it was just really bad, but it worked. And I got to, you know, there are, in Athens, there are, there are bars notoriously that would serve underage people. You know, even if you showed up with your underage ID and they put big X's on your hands. You just go wash those off. And they'd be

coming around, girls coming around with little shooters selling your shooters. You go to the bar, getting, you know, they had nickel draft beer nights and all of the college stuff. And so I drinking just ramped up a lot that first year. And then also, it's when I started getting more into drugs and started smoking a lot of pot because that it was very prevalent. Athens. also around Athens was known for growing very strong weed. And back in the early 90s, it's not like it is today where you walk into the store. Depending on where you're at, I know here in Colorado, you can walk in and you get some of the strongest, it's too strong. But back then, that was another thing Athens was known for.

So I smoked a lot of pot. I started experimenting with other drugs, LSD, things like that. So eventually I started, my sophomore year came around and continued partying and drinking in that way, drank heavily, smoked heavily. Grades freshman year weren't great. Parents said that if I didn't, you know, pick those up, then they weren't going to continue to contribute to college. And so I kind of changed that around. But I also, I got a job my sophomore year. I was a radio DJ on the college radio station. Again, I just felt like I had. the typical college experience. That's what you did. You go to the bars, you go uptown, you drink. The other nice thing about Athens is everything's walkable, so there's no, you're not a lot of drunk driving because you're just walking everywhere. And so, you know, continue to drink heavily, continue to use. And then my junior year, I was introduced to raves and electronic dance music. And it

It was fascinating to me. I'd always been into, big into hip hop and hip hop DJ culture. I just thought it was fascinating watching DJs make music with records. And so, and I had been to clubs before and things like that. So I finally, I went to a rave, gosh, it must have been, this must have been 1994 or 5, 95, early 95. And I tried ecstasy for the first time and I was like just, I was hooked. Like, that made me feel incredible. It, like, opened up. It opened me up in ways that no other drug had ever had. I felt so great. And so the rave culture, I was hooked. We would drive from Athens, Ohio, every weekend. So I had a group of friends, a crew,

and we would just drive to different cities every weekend from, you know, other cities in Ohio to as far away as Toronto a couple times, to Pittsburgh. all these different places every weekend. And we didn't drink as much at that point. That's just not what people did necessarily. But I did a lot of drugs. Definitely did a lot of drugs during that time. I was introduced to cocaine around that time too.

And I've heard stories, I think even you said, Brad. I always had a line in the sand, so to speak, of things that I wouldn't try and inevitably. And cocaine was on that list. I was like, well, as long as I never do cocaine and I never do heroin. Those are my two, like, lines. Well, I crossed the cocaine line for sure and enjoyed that, too.

That really was a different kind of drug to open me up and be able to talk to people. And I liked it, and it became very prevalent, and then started mixing alcohol and cocaine in those days, kind of on a regular basis. It just ramped up from there. But I still finished college. I graduated. It took me like an extra year. I was called my fifth year, my super senior year. But that wasn't uncommon either. I knew a lot of people like that. Partied my way through college, drank my way through college and graduated and moved to Columbus, Ohio after that. And just kind of continued that. I had a great group of friends that I met in the rave scene. As a DJ, I became a DJ. That was great too because that meant free drinks and free drugs for a lot. Free drinking. Yeah.

And I just started building this identity not on purpose, but I kind of became in those years just known as like the party guy. Like if Jason's coming, it's going to be a great time. He usually is going to, I could out drink most people. I could out use most people. I could stay up later than everyone else and want to always keep the party. going. That's when I can remember. Like, I always wanted to keep the party going. I was always, the guy who could, you know, it's early morning and I'm really, you know, everyone else is trying

to wind it down. And there were a couple of instances where I, that's, I started to question like, oh, man, maybe, maybe this isn't so great. But I kept, you know, I kept going and I got a job out of college, my first job, and kept DJing. We'd go out on the weekends. or we had a Wednesday night thing that we did and still, you know, lots of drinking, partying. But during that time, again, like, I never, because I kept, I had most of my stuff together on the outside, everything looked fine.

And I didn't think, I never really thought there was a problem just because everyone I hung out with, that's just what we did. We drank a lot. We had a club residency at a big giant, nightclub in Columbus and my friends and I ran the Friday nights and we got free beer and free drinks and we would just we would just go crazy every every weekend and that's just what we did for years and I didn't think anything was wrong with that because we all had jobs we all kept our shit

together during the week and you know let loose on the weekends yeah which I mean I think is a pretty common trend of some people you know you hear that transition people people leave college. And for some people, I feel like they changed their ways a little bit and then maybe it catches back up to them further down the line. And some people share was this kind of like a smooth transition. But my guess is for people that I guess aren't like us and don't struggle with this, after college of all the craziness and the madness and everything, like they might scale it back a little bit. But, you know, we seem to just kind of keep it going. You know, even after college, like kind of like living like we're still maybe in college. How do you feel

about yourself up into this point? I mean, are you thinking like, hey, I'm achieving my goals. I'm where I want to be in life. I feel good about the direction I'm heading and sort of my contributions maybe to the world or like, is that bothering you at all of things? Or it's just like everybody's doing it. I'm in a good spot. Yeah, I mean, that's a tough question, really, because I had a job. I was moving. I felt like I was advancing, you know, just as normal people do. And was getting raises, getting new positions, moved jobs a few times. But there were definitely some time, there were a few times where I lost a job, whether I got let go, you know, I got, I got let go from a couple of jobs. And at the time, I didn't, I wouldn't contribute that to

drinking necessarily. It was more like, I didn't really love the job, so I didn't perform all that well. But now when I look back on it, I think a lot of that did have to do with my drug and alcohol use, just because I would rather have been out partying. Like, I wanted to be a professional DJ. That's what I wanted to do. And like I had, in my eyes, I was only working so that, because I needed some way to make money. And my jobs, if I didn't like them, were just interfering with my goal of wanting to be a DJ for a living. And in 2000, in August of 2001, I just gotten married to my first wife and we moved to San Francisco. We decided we were going to move to San Francisco. I had DJed out there a couple of times. I had a friend out there who was managing a nightclub and offered me a nightclub

residency. He's like, if you move out here, you know, I'll give you a residency at this club and we'll pay, I forget what it was, like $4,500 a week or something, which was a lot back then. And Not a lot to live in San Francisco, but a lot. And so I was like, okay, so I convinced my, we had just gotten married. It's my college sweetheart. We dated for five years, and then we got married. And we moved to San Francisco, and like right after we got there, 9-11 happened. We got there like Labor Day weekend.

And then that following week, 9-11 happened. And so everything, like the job that she had fell through. The residency gig that I had fell through or wasn't going to be as much as I thought. So we struggled. And San Francisco is not the cheapest place to live. Even back then, it was crazy. They were just coming out of the dot-com bubble, but the rents had not caught up to that. So the rents were still high.

Jobs were scarce. And we were, like, forced to make something work. And so we did. and I absolutely loved San Francisco, but the drinking, the partying definitely ramped up there too. I've got some pretty crazy stories of things that I did that I'm not necessarily proud of, but I was trying to make it as a DJ.

And there were a couple of instances where I can remember getting an opportunity, what I thought was an opportunity, but I was just so wasted that I, like, I blew the opportunity. I just wasn't performing the way I knew I could. And so we only lasted there for about a year, less than a year. I still love San Francisco with all my heart.

I think of that as home, even though I didn't live there for very long. Every time I go back, I just, it's something about that city that's magical. But we moved back to Ohio, and things just continued. I DJed when I could. I became one of the best DJs in the city and played great music. but I also still was known as had this identity as like the party guy. And I would spend my weekends drinking a lot, using a lot, and then working during the week. And it still didn't necessarily affect, I would say, like, you know, my job performance,

but it definitely hindered me from, I started to watch my friends, like, have some success and start making some serious money. And I was always like, you know, what do I need to do to do that? And never once thought like of giving up drinking at all, not to hadn't even enter my mind because, again, it just was normal. I just felt like this is just normal. This is what everybody does, you know? Not everybody DJs on a Tuesday and Wednesday night and drinks a lot for free and comes home

at like three in the morning as hung over the next day. But I did it. And I still was showing up to work. It was very functional. I always say, like now looking back on it, when I hear this term, like, functional alcoholic, that's me. Like, there's a picture of me in the dictionary. If you look that up, because I was very good at it and never really let it affect, you know, no matter how bad I felt, I still showed up to work, still did my job, still got paid, and was making okay money. And I was married. So I figured, you know, figured everyone was great.

Anybody ever mentioned anything in the stretch of your life of like, hey, drinking and all this stuff? I mean, it's quite risky, too. Like, it doesn't sound like it or you haven't shared it. I mean, you know, you haven't been caught for any of this too, right? Like, no, yeah. Like that like that, right? Like, but, you know, I think that things have probably eased up a little bit now, but then, I mean, those serious stuff. If you would have gotten caught with cocaine or ecstasy or like that's, yeah, yeah.

100%. We didn't think of that, though. No. No, no. I mean, because it just never happened. You know? I mean. I never got pulled over for a DUI, even though I probably could have gotten a thousand DUIs by now, but I've never gotten one, never got in trouble, never got kicked out of a place

for, you know, doing drugs, was able to hide it. Again, it was just sort of what we all did, but it wasn't like so out in the open. I think we all just, you know, we all, we all did it and hit it, you know, and we're good at that. And as long as, you know, I always say, like, if I'm, if I'm functioning, if I'm doing, if it feels like, you know, I'm still making upward progress in my career, even though I changed jobs a lot, I've changed, I had that point, I'd done not just different jobs, like in one industry, like different industries completely. I'd done a whole bunch of different things. And I had also, so in late, 2000s. I decided I want to go back and get my master's degree because I thought like, man,

if I get a, if I get a master's in business, then I can start, you know, then I'm going to start earning more money. Then I'm going to start getting this, achieving this life that I want to live. And I'll have this status and these types of things. And so I did. Like I went back, worked full time, got my master's degree, still all of this stuff of partying and drinking and DJing. And so I'm doing all of this stuff. Didn't have any kids either. That was the other thing. Like my first wife and I never had any kids.

Should have. But we didn't. And for, you know, a couple different reasons. And at the time, honestly, like, I just, there were definitely periods during that time where, like, I felt like I was just, I never wanted to, quote unquote, grow up. But I'm watching a lot of my, I'm watching some of my friends, a lot of other people, like, start to dial it back, start to scale it back. and I never did. I just never did. I felt like Peter Pan almost, you know.

Yeah. Felt like, yeah, you just want to keep it going. I mean, how old would you have been sort of in this age, like 30-ish? Yeah, so in my 30s, yeah. So in my 30s, I'm still doing a lot of that. My first wife and I decided to get divorced in 2009, 2010. And we're looking back on it now from, from where I'm at now, I do think drinking, my drinking probably played a large role in that.

That's when I can remember my drinking really started to pick up. Because once I was divorced and single, like I didn't have anybody I had to hide anything from. And so I really started, I'd gotten into whiskey at that point, started to drink a lot of whiskey, but still didn't think of it as a problem for myself. Like, it's funny because I could look at other people that I felt like it was a problem or I'd see other people who were worse than me. And I always had this idea like, well, as long as I'm not like that, like, I'm good. You know, as long as I'm not at that level, then I'm good. If I still hold a job, if I'm still making money, then I'm okay.

And so in 2011, I met a woman who would become my daughter's mother, and we had a very hot and fast relationship. She got pregnant fairly quickly. I met her while I was DJing and still in that party lifestyle. But she got pregnant. We had our first daughter in 2013, got married shortly after that, and moved to Colorado Springs, I got a promotion opportunity with where I was working. And I wanted to be close to the mountains. And so I had built a great life in Columbus. All of my closest friends, and they're still my

close friends, like 30 plus years, almost 40. My best friend, we went to high school together, and we're still best friends. And he married my college best friend, and they have a daughter. And so, like, all of my, I consider my family, they still live in Columbus. But there was something that told me, I had to get out. I needed to get out of Columbus. At that point, I was identifying a pattern of drinking and using and partying that I felt like maybe I wanted to dial it back. I needed to dial it back, and I felt like I needed to leave Ohio in order to do that.

And then also, like, something about being in the mountains. Every time I would come visit, my friends and I would take a snowboarding trip every year out west. And I just felt like a sense of calmness being in the mountains every time we came. And so, like, there was a pull for me to be close to the mountains. And I had a brand new daughter, and then we had another one on the way. And I was like, I would like to raise them close to the mountains too. So we moved to Colorado Springs. We didn't know anybody here. And that was, I felt like a good thing because I could start over. I could have, you know, start a different identity. Anybody out here, they weren't going to know me as the DJ, as the party guy, as the

guy who could outlast everybody. And so we moved out here, and it was pretty isolating because I didn't know anybody, but we quickly made some friends. And it was a group of friends who also liked to drink a lot. I wasn't expecting that one, Jason. Yeah, we made friends with a guy who's still a good friend of mine, but he opened a brewery right by where we lived, and, you know, I became friends with him. And so they would, everyone, you know, have house parties, dinner parties, house parties, and everyone just, that was just what we did. Again, just, it's normalized. Drinking, drinking is so normalized. And, and that's how we made friends. And, and so, you know, it just kind of picked right back up where, where I left off in, in Ohio, except for the drugs. There weren't, nobody really did that here.

I had some, perhaps some friends up in the Denver area that were party friends of mine. And so I could go and party up there occasionally go see DJs, things like that. But Colorado Springs, it wasn't like that. There weren't really nightclubs here that played that kind of music, at least when we moved here. It was a way for me to build a new identity here, but still be able to live out some of my old identity up in, you know, up in that area. I could go, I could go to parties that lasted all night. I could go out to clubs. I could, I could drink, I could party, I could hang out with those friends, and then come back to Colorado Springs and be quote unquote normal. And so that lasted for a little, for a few years.

And then my now ex-wife and I went through some pretty challenging times in 2016. there was, there was just, our relationship didn't last. And there were some things that I was definitely drinking more, more than, more than I realized. Looking back now, I think that played a huge part in what happened. She made some decisions about things that she wanted to do, and it just led to a really bad divorce. And there was a period of time where I knew the relationship was,

ending. I knew I needed to end the relationship and I didn't want to be a 40-year-old, twice-divorced dad of two young kids. And so I did everything I could to try and, or the things that I thought I needed to do to keep that relationship together and including just allowing her to, to exhibit some behaviors that I just, that were not great because of what was going on and I wanted to save my family, keep this family together, was something that was so important to me at the time. But that is when my drinking really escalated. That's when I noticed like I'm drinking a lot to cover up these feelings that I'm having of being less than. I felt like for the first time, really in my life, I felt like I was not myself. And I felt like I was exposed as being weak and

not deserving. And in order to squash that, I drank a lot. And I would, I would, you know, I drank a lot of whiskey because at that point, and I think still today, but like bourbon, whiskey, it was like the cool thing. And so like, you know, I felt like if I'm having cocktails, like, that's an adult thing to do, cocktails in the evening, you know, old fashions or Manhattans or eventually just straight up one little ice cube. And I noticed myself starting to drink more and more at home. And again, it was because I was trying to deal with the fact that my ex-wife wasn't happy. And she was searching for happiness elsewhere, and I was allowing that to continue. And that's when I discovered what anxiety was and that feeling.

And I knew that I didn't like that feeling, and I knew that alcohol covered that feeling up in a very short period of time. It was very good at that. And so that's just really when that picked up a lot. And we worked through some of our issues, but I continued to drink a lot. And then it happened again, and I immediately was like, that's the end. We're not, we're getting a divorce. I can't, I can't live this way. And so we got divorced. And so now I'm a single dad of two, you know, part-time single dad of two young girls. And my drinking at that point just, just escalated. That's when I started.

I would go through a bottle of whiskey, a fifth of whiskey probably every other day. I'd drink half and think that that was okay. Because again, I'm still got a great job. I'm making great money, stable job, easy job, making great money, not a lot of work to do. And so I'd go to work hungover almost every day. But I didn't have any accountability

because there wasn't a lot of work for me to do. I was managing two people who did the work. All I had to do was go to meetings. And so I did that, but I just, that's when I really started thinking to myself, I think, you know, you think you might have a problem. And my ex-wife told me, you know, as during one of our fights, I can remember the words she said to me, I said something to her while we were arguing. And she goes, well, well, you're an alcoholic who can't stop using drugs.

and I just, that just hit me to my core. I was angry at her, and then she's spouting that at me. I was like, no, I'm not, but, but I was. And that's really when I was like, well, dang, am I? You know, and you start doing those things like Googling, do I have a problem? Yeah. And I tell people like, if you're Googling, do I have a problem? You do.

You probably do have one if you're trying to look for confirmation. And so in 2018, I, I, made a decision, I was like, man, maybe I need to stop. Maybe I need to stop drinking. And so I grew up in a house. My mom was married in high school to a man who was in AA. And so that, you know, the 12-step culture is something I was very familiar with. And looking back, at that time, I'm, you know, what's funny is like, I can look back during times in my life. And I did ask myself if I had a drinking problem, probably multiple times, even in my 30s. But I always went back to like, well, no, I'll know if I have a drinking problem because I know all about the 12 steps.

And I, you know, I know like that what it means to have a drinking problem. And so, so I was in denial for quite a few years. But I went to AA. I went to some AA meetings. I started stringing together like a couple of 30 days, maybe I even had a 60 day in there. And at that point, cocaine had been introduced to, you know, I found out where I could get it here. And so I started doing that again. And then immediately after I got divorced, I met another pretty amazing woman and started a relationship there. And I finally decided like, I need to stop. I need to stop drinking. This is not healthy. I'm going, I'm drinking a lot by myself at home. I would do things. I would wake up in the middle of the night because that once the alcohol, you know, alcohol is great to put you to sleep.

but it's terrible to keep you asleep. And so the alcohol would wear off and all the sugar would still be in my blood, and I'd wake up just tons of anxiety. And I would, middle of the night, come down and take a couple of big swigs of whiskey to be able to go back to sleep. And then it started to creep into,

there were a few times where it crept into the morning. You know, I'd go to work and have a little coffee mixed with whiskey in my little coffee cup, you know, nobody knew. I can remember sitting, in a meeting one time, hoping that the people in the meeting couldn't smell my coffee and whiskey that was in my cup. But I needed it because that was the only way I was going to make it through

the day. And that's, you know, it really had just kind of taken over at that point. And so in 2019 in April, I decided like, I really need to quit for good. And I did. I can remember it was late April. I'd gone through a huge, or late March, I apologize, late March. The weekend before, I'd had a blowout weekend, drank, did a lot of drugs, and then came home and just continued it for the whole week. I just continued to drink the whole week and didn't go to work, didn't. Actually, at that point, I had left my job. I was doing real estate full time by this point. I had been doing real estate for a couple of years, part-time, went through divorce, realized I couldn't continue to do both jobs and made a decision to give up the like cushy job with great benefits

to be a realtor because I really loved that. I love meeting. I'm a people person and I'm an extrovert and the job was soul-crushing because I didn't have anything to do but sit behind a cubicle all day and look at Facebook. And so I wanted to try this out. And so I did. And so it was great, but it was also not great for being an alcoholic. It was an invitation to, like, I could prioritize my schedule around drinking, and I could put appointments off to, I could reschedule things. And so there was a week period where in late March of 2019, where I was just, I was just a wreck. And the only thing I could do is just keep drinking. And I finally got to the point, it was Thursday. It was the Thursday of that week. And I knew the next day,

I was like, I just had felt so bad. I had looking in the mirror, I could, I thought I was jaundiced. I don't think I was, or if I was just seeing things or hallucinating or whatever. It was just, that was just the low point. I think that was a rock bottom moment for me and realizing that, like, I've got kids that I have to raise. I got kids that are seeing me do this, and I'm not necessarily hiding it. My kids, I felt were like young enough, maybe they're not going to remember that, but they're

getting older. They're starting four or five years old, six years old. So I made a decision to stop, and I did. In 2019, I stopped. My mom had moved out here by that point, and my mom was a really bad alcoholic and had progressed to, that was another reason that I wanted to stop because I saw what it was doing to her, and I didn't want to end up like that. And so I quit. And then in July of 2019, my mom, she was living here at the time. It moved back to Ohio in a big rush and eventually died shortly after she moved there. Actually, it was right around this time. It was July 15th of 2019 is when she actually died. But she died of liver failure. She drank herself to death. And it was very scary to me. And I didn't want to end up like that. So I think that I got sober right before that

happened. And I always tell people, like, I had to get sober in order to deal with that. And I stayed sober. Well, I stayed alcohol-free. Let me take that back. I stayed alcohol-free. But I never really dealt with the underlying issues of why I drank so much. And the other thing is, during that time, I continued to use cocaine and heavily. And so I gave up alcohol, but every ounce of energy that I had put into drinking, I just shifted that into doing cocaine. And so I developed a pretty nasty habit with that. And I'm stacking days of being alcohol free, have this secret of the cocaine usage. And so I felt fake. I felt fake. I had a lot of people, as I continue to stack the days of not drinking and celebrate that, you know, in this days of

social media, like, it took me a while to be able to put out there that like, hey, I'm, I'm, you know, I'm sober. I had a hesitation with that because I wasn't sober. I was just alcohol-free. And I had people like telling me how inspiring it was that I was able to give up drinking. Friends tell me that, that I was inspiring them. And the whole time I'm just kind of hiding this other problem, not letting a lot of people know, like, what was really going on there. And so that lasted for, I lasted for about two and a half years.

And then in 2021, I made a decision that I thought I could start drinking again, like a normal person, because I had gone without it for so long. I was like, oh, yeah, I'm fixed. I'm good. Good to go. And it was almost like a relief because I was hiding this other thing. And now I didn't have to hide anything anymore. I could just, I was just a guy who still liked a party.

Yeah. Like, how did that happen, though? that was like a conscious decision of like, hey, I'm going out on Friday night and I'm drinking that night or was it? No. There was a series of things where like I would sneak a drink here and there. I would take a couple of shots or something. And then finally I had a conversation with my girlfriend.

And I was like, you know, well, she, I can remember she said to me, she's like, you know, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you want to drink, like, then drink, but don't try to hide it. Like, don't try to hide it from me, because I love you no matter what. She's like, you know, I don't love drinking, but like, I would rather you just be yourself than try to hide something because that's, that's worse. And so, so, yeah, I had, I just decided. I was like, okay, well, I'm going to just try, I'm going to just try drinking again. And I can remember specifically, I went out to a Christmas party with my old,

real estate team. And I have a really good friend here in Colorado Springs. Actually, she's just one of my all-time best friends now. And she's been sober for over 10 years. And I talked with her a lot when I got, when I stopped drinking at first. And then at the Christmas party, I had a drink in my hand. And I told her, I was like, hey, I just want you to know. I decided I'm, I think I'm going to be okay drinking. And she's, she's just, she's so supportive. Her name's Amber. She's the best. And she was like, okay. She's like, But just so you know, like, if I see you start to slip, like, I'm going to call you out. And I was like 100%. 100%.

And so that went on for, but very quickly, I went back to my old ways. Just, I mean, almost instantaneously. Like, I hear stories all the time of how this goes. And I know how it goes. But quickly, I was back to a full bottle of whiskey every other day, taking shot in the middle of the night to get things. to go back to sleep, waking up, hung up, just kind of skating through life. I was a successful realtor during that time. Those were the boom years of real estate coming out of COVID.

And the crazy thing is I didn't drink it all through COVID, but afterwards, I made up for it. And so that, you know, that just went on and on. And it just got worse and worse. And there were a lot of days. I was in a long-distance relationship. So my girlfriend didn't live with me. And on the weeks that I didn't have my kids, there were just several days and nights where I just would drink to numb out my feelings of how lonely I was, not realizing that drinking was making things way worse. I was using it as a coping mechanism to deal with the loneliness, deal with my true feelings, and not wanting to share it with anybody.

And it was very easy to do that because I didn't have anyone to answer to. You know, my relationship was, like I said, it was long distance. So I just had to, you know, when we got together, I could, I could sort of mask, mask it, hide it. Didn't really let her know the extent of the issue. But then when I came back, and we would, you know, we'd party together a lot on the weekends, but I'd come back and I would keep that party going and still be functional enough. I always had, there was always this like limit of how good it could get because I was just, I was just a mess. And yeah, and then that lasted for a few years. You know, I tried in 2025,

I finally made a decision like, okay, I got to do this again for real. And, and so I went back to A.A. because that's the only thing I knew to do. Like, I knew that I didn't know, I didn't know what else to do. And I knew I didn't like AA necessarily. It wasn't, I know it works for some people. I just could never, I didn't hear my story, really, being told in those, in those rooms. I heard other stories that I related to, but there was something about it. And, and so, like, I went to the meetings, and, and then I was like, there's got to be something else for me at this point. It's 2025. Like, what else is out there? And I, so I'm in my car one time, and I just searched in the Apple podcast app for Sobriety Podcasts, and your podcast came up. And I started listening.

And I just started hearing people tell them by story. You know, it's their story, but it's identified with so much. And I was just like, it just hit me. I was like, this is what I need. And so I would just drive around listening, because I drive a lot for work, and I would just listen to episodes after episode. And one episode in particular, I remember, was you were interviewing the Marathon to Sobriety guy again for the second time.

And I just heard that, and I was just like, this guy is telling like my story, you know, and it just hit. And so I was able, and then I heard you talk about the community, the sober motivation community. And I was like, well, what's that about? And you're like, if you want to check it out, I got a 30-day free trial, no commitment, check it out, see what it's about. I didn't know there were meetings in there until I actually got in. I thought it was just sort of like a platform, a message board, that kind of thing. But then I saw the meetings and I, you know, I started hopping on listening. And I strung some time together, some days. I had like a 90 day in there, a few 60 days.

And, but the more I started plugging into the community and sharing and, and feeling the acceptance from these people that I had never met in my life. Again, hearing similar stories, hearing similar struggles, hearing people saying, like, yeah, I was, you know, I'd go through three pints of titos in a day just to make it through the day. And I'm like, I'm, I'm stopping at the liquor store. Like, like, it's my job. I knew, I had such a problem. Like, I knew I couldn't keep a ton of alcohol. the house because if it's in the house, I'm drinking it all. And so I would, you know, limit what I bought, but that meant I was going every day or twice a day or three times a day. And so hearing those stories really, I just resonated with it. I connected with it so much. And so I just plugged in. I was like, I think this is it. I think this is what I need. I think this is the connection that I'm missing. And that really just changed things for me. The community just changed things for me. But I still struggled. I'd go on and off and on and off. And every time I'd come back to the

meetings and tell these people, you know, what had happened, everyone was just so accepting and loving. And it was a game changer, man. For sure, 100%. Yeah, and to give something a chance, right? that you have no idea sort of what it's going to be. I mean, that's where I think people shift or make the change. I mean, up into this point, man, and you've been back at it now. I don't know the exact amount of, you know, days. But we've been connecting on there.

And like you said, it was kind of in and out and drinking again and not drinking and putting some time together, which I think is such a relatable sort of process, right? Like how many people kind of refer to them as unicorns, you know, they commit to not to stop it drinking one time and it all works out. I think a lot of people relate to a back and forth story. But a big part I take away from your story here, man, is sort of the secrecy, right? And maybe the shame as well. And you mentioned, like, you know, your divorce with your second wife, too, about, you know, those dynamics and, you know, how is this kind of not working out again? And now I'm single dad.

And even further back in your story, too, how important a family unit was to you that you went to live with your dad. and then now that's not looking like it's going to be the future and then the secrecy of the drinking and not getting any help and the situation with your mom. Did you and your mom ever talk about drinking or like do you guys have conversations about that before she? No, like and that's a big regret that I have honestly. Like I my mom would drink so much that it got to a point like in my 30s where like if she called me after like noon on a Sunday, I didn't, I wouldn't answer because I knew she was really drunk. And so, like, it was avoidance.

I avoided that like the plague. I just, such a huge people pleaser, and I never want to, like, have anyone think that I'm causing them to be sad or angry or upset, that I just never said anything to my mom. And I'm in therapy. I'm, you know, my therapist helped me really kind of identify where that came from. But specifically for my mom, my mom did so much for my brother and I. Her main goal in life was to ensure that my brother and I turned out to be good human beings.

And she did a great job of that. She worked very hard at it. And so I never addressed that with her. And my brother, because he's 10 and a half years younger with me, he had a different childhood than I did. And I wasn't around for most of it because I was in college and graduating. So he saw a lot more. of that than I did. But I only addressed it with her like one time. And that was while she was here.

She had moved to Colorado Springs for like a year. And I had just finally was like, mom, like, everybody's worried about you. We need to stop the drinking. And then that was it. And she's like, yeah, I know, I think it's time. But it was too, it was too late by that point. What I found out after her death was just how sick she really was. She moved. out here so that she could die being close to me. And I didn't know that at the time. And so, so yeah, you know, family units, it's just funny you say that, like, that is something that was extremely important to me. And there was a lot of shame. Definitely. Just that's a big, that is a big, big, big thing for me. And I think, oh, I talk about this a lot in our meetings.

Like, the meetings that we have, the community that we have, is so, special because we are able to share and get that shame out and tell those stories in safe spaces. There's a quote that I love from Brenna, I think it's Brunay Brown, and she says, shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces. And the community, the meetings that we have, that's the ultimate safe space to share this type of thing, because you're talking with people who have. And maybe it's not identical, but a lot of it is, you know, a lot of it is so relatable. And so I'm sharing these stories with people who I've never met, still have never met in person. And, you know, I joined the community a little over a year ago. Today I'm 196 days sober.

And it's different. It's clicking this time because of the connection. Yeah. Another quote I love is, I watched this guy give a TED talk, and he said, the opposite of addiction is not abstinence. The opposite of addiction is connection. And so the community that you've created and the spaces that have developed there, and this is something I want to tell you, man, like, what the work that you've done is so important. It just means so much, not just to me, but to everyone in that. community. It is life-changing. Life-changing, man. And I'm so happy to be a part of it. And to go from

being the lowest of the low on New Year's Day of this of 2026 to like where I'm at now, it just feels like, I can't believe it's only been that short amount of time because I feel like a completely different person. Like my identity has shifted from being functional at and alcoholic to like living life as this person that I know that I can be and that it's always been inside of me. But I've just had this thing that's been holding me back. And now that that's like out of the way, I feel like I can do anything. I really feel like I could do anything I put my mind to right now. Yeah. And it's fantastic. Yeah, man. You should have given me a heads up, dude to bring the tissues for this Thursday morning.

I didn't want to give you a heads up, man. I want you to like, that's important to me. And whether this makes it in or not, like, it is important to me to let you know. Just, like, how many lives that you're impacting. And once you don't even know with this podcast. And that's why, you know, sitting in my car over a year ago listening to these episodes and kind of the way I started off, like, saying, like, I knew at one point I wanted to be on here. and I knew it was going to take a lot of work for me to do that.

And I was hesitant because I didn't fully trust myself. And I still don't know if I fully trust myself. But I know like this life, the feeling that I have right now, it's insane. Like I wish I could bottle this up and sell it to people. I'd be a billionaire. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's just, it's wild.

And this community, it means everything. It means everything to me. happy to like, and I've met some amazing people virtually, and I've created relationships outside of the meetings. I talk to people now that have become, like literally become my best friends and I've never met them in person. And that is part of it. You know, the connections, the deeper they get, the easier this becomes for me and for others too. So anytime we get new people that come in. It makes me so happy. And I've had people tell me that my stories, my shares have just truly helped them. And that in turn helps me. We all help each other.

And we all lift each other up. And it's fucking beautiful. Yeah. It really is, man. Like when you, you know, kind of think step back, right? You step back and have a look at it. You know, the effort people put in and, you know, their willingness and vulnerability and willing to help each other. and understand where people are coming from. And I think accept people. You know, I mean, I think one of the most beautiful thing I like about what we, what we have and what's going on is this is not a ton of rules. You know, it's not about do this or do that.

And if you don't do that, you don't get this outcome. And it's not about this is the only way. And it's about, hey, like, put this tool on your belt. Like, stop showing up to the job site with just a hammer. Like, add some more tools. And maybe this is one and maybe conjunction with fellowship. or therapy or maybe yoga, meditation, CrossFit, reading books, listening to podcasts.

Maybe this could just be another tool on your belt. And I think for you, and this is only my guess here, of why maybe it's been so helpful and had such an impact, is for a long time it sounds like you kind of lacked that accountability from another human. And this is a place where, you know, people aren't going to give you a hard time if things don't work out and you don't achieve your goals.

but maybe it's knowing that somebody would notice. You know, I think that that's where we get stuck a lot is we quit drinking. We don't tell anybody there's no resistance between us and the next drink except for ourselves. And it's like a bowling ball coming down the lane trying not to get knocked out. Eventually, the odds are you get taken out. But if you have 100 people that you say in the back of your mind, whether it be subconsciously or a whisper or a tap on the shoulder, A Monday morning, I got to tell 100 people if I choose to that I drank again. Maybe that will buy you the three minutes that a craving lasts to stay in the game.

And I think that's really helped you guessing from afar to stick around. 100% man. You know, one of the special things about this community that works so well for me is that everybody, we just meet each other where we're at. and there is no shame. But there is also, there's accountability. It's self-accountability because the deeper I make these relationships and connections, the harder it would be for me to come back and tell all these people that I drank again.

I said this in the meeting last night in our chat, I was like, I have a lot of friends. And I have a lot of long-time friendships, which is, which I have, the long-time friendships, which I, the longer, the older I get, the more rare I find that that is. But I don't get, I don't, if I make friendships like this, I don't just discard them. And so like these people in the community, they're like my best friends. And so like, what am I just going to be like, bye guys? Like, you know, we connect on things more than just not drinking now. And so, so I'm not going to give that up just to, to have a drink. The craving still exist. But what I've learned over these, you know, it's not quite seven months is like I'm now able to know, like, I'm not craving a drink.

I'm craving a solution to a feeling that I'm having, whether that's anxiety, depression, boredom, whatever it is. And so once I was able to like figure that out, it's easy to sit with, like you said, the three minutes or whatever. it, maybe it's longer, but just be able to sit with it and know, like, alcohol is great in the immediate term. Yeah, it's going to take away that feeling. But, like, ultimately, it's those feelings are going to come back tenfold. And I'm going to have to deal with it. So, like, why not sit through it now and let it pass, feel it, allow myself to process whatever it is that I'm going through in the moment and then also have a safe place to come and tell people like, here's what I'm going through. Here's what happened. Here's the feelings that I'm having. And I've been super vulnerable

in those meetings. Like I've cried. Everyone's seen me cry, shed tears, but also everyone's seen me, like, not just, not just like emotionally be better, but like physically too. You know, like I know I look way different than I did on January 1st of this year. When I crawled back into the meeting in my bed and just like the worst of the worst. Yeah. How hard was that for you? Or was it hard? So I'll be honest.

Like it wasn't hard because I had already done it. What the hard part was like this, this idea in my head like, man, there's only so many more times that I can do this. and these people are going to be like, look, dude, you're just never going to get it. At least that was my thought. That was never going to happen. I know that. But, like, I had a thought in my head during this last year of, like, these people are going to be sick of my shit at some point.

So, like, I knew, actually, like, coming back in the first of the year, like, I had just had this feeling of that this is it. This is really going to be it. And it has been. And it's been hard in times. The first 30, 60 days were, like, a glom. but just like anything worth having is going to be hard. You know, changing your identity, and that was a big part of it.

Like, I had to make a conscious decision to let a part of myself go, a part of my identity of being that fun guy, that party guy, the guy who could outlast almost everybody. I had to let that go and be okay with it, because I know that this version of myself, the goals and the dreams that I have require that. I can't be that person anymore. And if I, and I talk about this a lot, like, if you don't change your identity or allow this to change the identity, you're going to go back to drinking because that's how your brain is wired.

You know, if you have this thought in your head and you're questioning, like, is this, is this really forever? Can I never have another drink again? Then if I've found that, that unless I let that go, like, yeah, I'm probably going to have another drink again, because that's just how, that's why this disease is so mental. But, you know, being able to change my identity in that one instance, now, like, I'm trying to identify other parts of my life that aren't helping me get to the person, the dreams that I have and the person that I want to be. And slowly starting to let those things go to. And it's scary.

But I know I just have. have this feeling like there is something really big out there for me and some kind of purpose that I'm supposed to fulfill. And I wasn't going to be able to do that if I kept drinking. And especially after watching my mom die the way she did. Yeah. Yeah. Was that sort of something, too, that maybe woke you up in one way or another? You know, I think as humans, I talk about it a lot on the show, too. It's like we have this sort of, I don't know what it is, but it feels like it's a built-in thing that we could see somebody else go through a difficult situation. In your case, your mom, and for other people might be other stuff. But like we do, I feel like we do such a

great job just convincing ourselves, like, never me. Like, it could never happen to me. And then, you know, things kind of unfold the way they do as time goes on. Yeah, I definitely had some of those thoughts, you know. What's crazy about my mom's situation is like she watched her sister go through the exact same thing. And her sister drank herself to death. Her dad did the same thing. So when we talk about this thing runs in the family and it's genetic, I don't know necessarily it's genetic,

but it's definitely a mental thing because, you know, I watched my mom go through that, and then I allowed myself to go back to drinking again. And it's crazy to me to think that. But there was definitely a part of it where I was just like, I cannot. I love my kids too much. to have them watch me do that.

Yeah. What about yourself? Yes. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I mean, I know ultimately, and we talk about this in the meetings, like I specifically talk about this, like, I have to do this for myself. I cannot do this for just for solely for other people. Other people play a part.

You know, you can get ultimatums from your spouse or your family or even your kids, but unless you want to make that decision for yourself, that it will never last. I don't think it ever lasts. And I think having an ultimatum from a family member or your spouse can put you on the path, but to keep you on the path, it's got to be for yourself. Yeah, yeah. In finding that love for ourselves, because I think if we look at, we love those around us enough to make the change, but do we get to that spot where we love ourselves?

I think it's conflicting. I mean, even if people are drinking still, it's like, do, I mean, alcohol is poison. I mean, do we love ourselves? Even if we're moderately drinking, wherever we fall on the spectrum, like, do we actually love ourselves if we're drinking poison? I don't know. I think that that's something only people can decide. But yeah, loving ourselves.

And man, what a, what a turn around, dude. Like, I've known you for a while and it's been great. and, you know, just the energy you bring and how fired up you've been. Honestly, dude, I came out of left field, man. I can't say that when I saw you pop back in for the calls and stuff. And I can't say that I, you know, could have predicted sort of you to be on fire in this sense of wanting to contribute, wanting to support others, doing so much work on yourself. And I think really sort of my guess anyway is really getting into the healing and

answering sort of the bigger questions, right? Like, why did I drink for 30 years, however many years it was, you know, the substances, the secrecy, the shame, the guilt? Even though you mentioned too a while ago, like functioning, you know, functioning, but functioning at what level, right? I think that we reflect back and say, you know, was it 40%, maybe you weren't on zero. Your battery wasn't dead, but was it 40%, was it 50? Was it 50?

Were you recharging it every night? where were you out with that and you have some great insight and, you know, done a lot of reflection on that too, which I think is great. Yeah, I tell people now like functioning in my mind, another word for being functional is limited. You really like, your ceiling is extremely low if you're just functional.

Like you can get through life. You can probably be successful, but you'll never be as successful as you could be. You know, like there's always going to be this limit to how far you can go. At least that's my opinion and that that's my story. So removing that, this year, like, I'm just, it's so crazy

the opportunities that are presenting themselves to me, the people that are coming into my life unexpectedly from this community for sure. But also, like, I'm making the sober connections here in real life that I just never would have made. And one

woman I just met with completely accidental, like that she also happens to be, sober. Like, we didn't meet for that particular purpose. But once she found out that I was, she's like, we have something way more in common. And like, so the first time we sat down and had coffee, it was the first part of the conversation was about that. So, like, it's just things like that. Like, I noticed now that I just wouldn't have noticed had I kept drinking. So that's why I, like, life, it just gets better every day. And I'm going to go through hard things, 100%, but

but I have the tools and I have the ability to know, like, tough times don't last, you know, tough people last. Yeah. Good category to be in, man. Anything you want to share for closing, Jason? No, man. I just, again, I appreciate it. This has been fantastic.

Something that I've always thought about. And I'm just, yeah, extremely happy to be here, part of this community. And I appreciate all the work that you do. Yeah. Leave us with one word, man, that we're really. relates to, you know, your journey of sobriety? I always say sobriety is a superpower. I really truly believe that.

And I said that even when I stopped drinking before, I had a friend that I went through that patch of not drinking with. But like, it is a superpower. It allows you to pause. It allows you to do so many different things, but you have to let it. Yeah, beautiful job, man. Thanks so much for sharing with us. Thank you.

Well, there it is another incredible episode here on the Cyber Motivation. podcast. Don't forget to like and subscribe wherever you listen to the show. And drop your comments down below. Huge shout out to Jason. So proud of him how far he's come and everything he just walked us through in this episode to be where he's at today. He's on fire for life. And that's the possibility when you get sober and get rid of all of the other stuff

and get focused on your goals and what you want to do in life and start to feel better and not starting off the mornings feeling like crap anymore. I'll drop Jason's contact information as well down on the show notes below and I'll see you on the next one.