Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - The Wake-Up Call: How Brittany Stopped Drinking and Took Her Life Back

Episode Date: December 10, 2025

Brittany joins the Sober Motivation Podcast to share her powerful story of growing up in Minnesota with a father who struggled with alcoholism, living with clinical depression, and using alcohol to cope with trauma, loneliness, and shame. She talks about becoming a “high-functioning” drinker—doing well at work and school while secretly relying on alcohol every day. Brittany also opens up about getting trapped in an abusive relationship, the trauma bond that kept her stuck, and the moment everything changed after a violent incident. On January 3rd, she chose sobriety, learned to ride out cravings, and started rebuilding a life filled with real joy, self-respect, and emotional healing. If you’re questioning your relationship with alcohol, stuck in toxic patterns, or wondering if change is possible, this recovery story will give you hope and motivation to keep going. ---------------- Support the Podcast: https://buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivation Sober Motivation Community:  Click Here Brittany on IG:  https://www.instagram.com/innatedivinity/

Welcome back to season four of the Sober Motivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We're here to show sorority as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. Great to have you back for another episode here on the podcast. I want to mention if you're enjoying the podcast, you love the podcast, you're a big fan, your support would mean the world, head over to buy me a coffee.com slash sober motivation, drop your donations there everything goes towards helping fund all the subscriptions hosting the

podcast doing all that cool stuff so that would mean a lot um the holidays are coming up quick for all of us as well the new year is going to be here soon and we had an incredible meeting in the sober motivation community on monday i mean we're always having these great meetings that really seem to move things forward for so many people but we had a member that was celebrating one year 365 days He invited some guests in as well to sort of share the accomplishment with him. And there was a lot of tears shed me a couple times for sure. And it was just so beautiful just to see the impact of making the decision to get sober, how it impacts so many people around us.

I think one of the hidden cost of continuing drinking is that it removes us from being present, having really good connections in really showing up in not only our life, but others as well. So if you want to change things up and be part of a community heading into the new year or right now, jump over and check out the sober motivation community. We have over 15 meetings a week. We have a men's meeting, a women's meeting, and we have some incredible hosts that are just really down to earth and there to support you, there to listen. It's not about force feeding you solutions and telling you that you should do this and you should do that, it's more listening in creating connection and community that can help us move forward. So if you're on your first

day or you're within your first year or wherever you're at in your journey and you feel like adding a community would be helpful, and I'm here to tell you that it is. It changes the game for so many people. It changes things completely. You feel less alone. You feel more connected. You feel less shame. Every time you share about something, the power goes away. from how we used to feel about it. And it is really transformative. So we'd love to have you. I'll drop the link down on the show notes below,

or you can just message me on Instagram. If you have any questions, the first month is free and I hope to see a few of you there. Now let's get to Brittany's episode. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got Brittany with us. Brittany, how are you? Hey, I'm great.

How are you doing? Yeah, I am really good and excited to connect with you and have you share your story with all of us on the podcast. Thank you. I'm really happy to be here. Yeah. What was it like for you growing up? So growing up, overall, I can name off a lot of wonderful things.

I grew up here in Minnesota, out in the country, traditional family, mom, dad, siblings. And, yeah, I mean, overall, it was a pretty good childhood. The only things I can say is that from as young as I can remember, I suffered with severe clinical, depression, and that did impact me as a child. My father was an alcoholic throughout my entire childhood, drank every day. That obviously had its impact on me, but I loved my family just the same, but those were definitely big struggles I had. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that, too. It's Minnesota. I mean, that's, weather's a lot like what I get here. in Canada too, right? The snow. What are some of your earliest memories? Mother Nature has always

been my first love. So I love just being out in the woods or swimming in the lakes, you know, Minnesota land of 10,000 lakes. So lake life was a big thing. My family was really into camping and hiking and all that kind of stuff. So we did a lot of that. And we embraced the winter. We did what we could do during the cold months. But yeah. That's good. That's good. did school and stuff look like for you? School, I was, I took school very seriously. I was, for the most part, a straight-day student. I was hyper-independent.

My parents didn't, like, have to get after me. Like, hey, did you do your homework yet? It was just, like, she always has her homework done. So I was very studious. And, again, I took deadlines seriously, all that. The only thing that, so during school, I was kind of a lone wolf. I wanted friends, but I, I don't know, it's one of those things where some kids just feel like very adult at a young age. So sometimes I didn't connect with my peers as much as an

adolescent level. So I spent a lot of time alone as a kid and it wasn't the easiest thing for me to make friends, not because I wasn't friendly or any of that. It just, you know, it's hard to kind of explain in that respect, but I was the type of kid that was like, let me hang out with the teachers. I don't know. So that was kind of the school side of things. Very, very lone wolf. But if I did make a friend, it was like, okay, that is my friend, you know. Yeah. So, yeah, yeah. Best friend right there. Cool. Thanks for sharing that with us too. It's always interesting because you hear a lot of stories on the podcast and you've listened to the show. And then some parents grow up, maybe struggling with drinking and then there are other people that their parents never drank

and they still, oddly enough, find themselves sort of on this journey of alcohol being problematic for them. You growing up around that, did you develop any insight or any sort of beliefs about how alcohol impacted somebody's life and saying maybe that would be something you wouldn't explore or you would explore cautiously? Did you have any of those thoughts early on? Yes. For number one, I hated. when my dad drank. I did not like it. And I wanted him to quit so badly. My mom did, all the things. And as a kid, too, I felt like I had empathy for my dad and understood to a certain extent why he did drink because I knew he had a very challenging childhood. But I still didn't

fully understand it. I just knew, like, I just remember thinking like, man, why can't you just stop. I remember thinking that. But as a result, I did have a negative viewpoint on alcohol and thought it wasn't something I'd ever want to mess around with because of him. Later on in the teenage years where, you know, my peers are starting to experiment with it more. I'm just like, no thanks. But eventually, I started to see them. It would look more fun and appealing the way they would go about it than the way my dad did. So I'm like, well, they're making it not look so bad. And then I kind of thought to myself, well, I'm not my dad. So that's not going to happen to me if I try to give this a go. And yeah, was I wrong about that? Absolutely. But. Yeah. Well, that's kind of like

something that I've talked about so much on the podcast. It's such a interesting thing about the human experiences that we can so easily see where one thing has brought somebody else, but so easily put ourselves in a different category or a different box or that our journey is going to be completely different without maybe having the vision for potentially that it could look the same, worse, maybe not as bad as somebody else, right, that it impacts people in different ways too, which is so interesting. It really is. I know it's like, I almost had this, I don't know, it's like my mom even used to say to me growing up, now be careful, you know, alcoholism runs in both sides of your family. And I don't know what, like, I didn't take it as seriously as I should have. I think I did early on, but again, once I just started seeing my peers enjoy themselves so much with it, I just literally kind of, dismissed that and just was like, oh, I guess my, my experience will be special. I'll be set

apart from the family bloodline, but, you know. Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting too. Your, your mom had mentioned it. Was she a big drinker or no? Nope. My mom, my mom was so repulsed by my dad's drinking that she was like, she just was like, I don't want nothing to do with alcohol. Yeah. And she just doesn't have an addictive personality either, but. Yeah. So it's kind of, you saw kind of both of the both sides of things there too. And it is interesting when you do. I mean, I think when most of us get into it, I can't speak for everybody, but I think when most of us do, it doesn't necessarily start out with problems. No. That kind of comes further down the line. So I think, like, okay, you have in your head, right, you see how it's impacting your dad's life, but then you experiment with

it and it's your experience is nothing like that. So it does really kind of make a lot of sense to why we wouldn't connect the dots. I mean, we're younger too and we're still learning and everything's developing. And I only lived to Friday night when I was younger. So if what I was doing wasn't involved in that time or the impacts or the consequences weren't going to hit me then, I mean, I didn't really think twice about a lot of the stuff I did too. And I mean, my big part of my story is I wanted to fit in. I was looking for a sense of belonging at the time. I didn't realize it, but alcohol was just that free pass. Like if I could get alcohol and I hung out with other people who drank,

we had absolutely nothing else in common. And I was like not quote unquote cool, but we could still kick it when we drank at parties. And I just thought it was the greatest thing ever. I mean, what other than sort of the, you mentioned there, your peers where you look like having a good time sort of deal? Was there anything else that sort of interested you? drinking? Yeah. So another thing, I was always just, and still am, a major music junkie. So a lot of

the artists that I really looked up to and loved their work, a lot of them I would see drinking or using drugs. And it did kind of put this image in my head, like that's kind of cool. Or that makes them more creative. That makes them more wild and free. I did associate alcohol with creativity and a sense of a free spirit. So that was kind of the light I painted it in in that respect. And I had a best friend in junior high and high school. And she was the one that actually first was like, hey, let's try smoking cigarettes.

Same thing with cigarettes. I thought, oh, all my favorite artists, you see them smoking, they look cool, whatever, whatever. When her and I started smoking cigarettes, you know, that's kind of how it started. And then it was her idea initially like, hey, let's let's let's let's try getting drunk like it'll be fun and we were connected at the hip me and this girl were besties it was like that soul friend kind of thing right um when she when we

started drinking together you know we were having fun it was a blast whatever but she went from zero to 100 fast with alcohol and it was very bad she had you know been in treatment a few times before ever turning 21, a DUI before 21. So I was, again, comparing myself to her thinking I'm not as bad as her, even though I was keeping up with her just fine, just not quite to her extent. So, yeah. Yeah, so you had that. And that's another thing I think that comes up in a lot of our stories is that we do often compare to say John down the street or that person over there or another person in say, you know what? It's not as bad as where they're at. So in turn, not looking at where we're at, but just saying, I'm not as bad as so-and-so. There's nothing

to see here. I'm good to go. Everything's okay. Yes. Which is interesting. So, but you mentioned too, started with smoking. And I think that that's sort of, I mean, that's probably a lot of people's story too where things can maybe start. But I feel like once in my life anyway, once I crossed one line of something I said I would never do. It became easier to cross the second line of something I said I would never do and then became easier. I feel like it just kind of slipped away what I knew was right. It was just easier to kind of keep going in that direction to try new things and take more risks, see where I would land. That's so true. I think cigarettes really are like one of the first gateway drugs for a lot of people and maybe these days vaping. I don't know for

sure but because it is it's that one thing it's kind of taboo but it's kind of cool and yeah and once you once you you know experiment with that yeah it's like why not experiment with this that and the third and that is absolutely my story just kind of keeps going how was the end of high school and everything for you i mean any any memories from there yeah uh again high school me and my friend we just we really had fun together and we were kind of i guess two alone wolves that met and we're just like, it was cool. But I ended up doing online high school for 11th and 12th grade and she did as well. And so that gave us a lot more freedom. And so I would get my school work done when I could and I still was maintaining good grades. But then it was like, hey, are you done with

school? Oh yeah, I'm done with school too. Let's kick it. And so, you know, we would drink. Then we would listen to our music and drink and, you know, go hang out in the woods. That was kind of our thing. And she got her license before me. And so she'd pick me up. And she was like one of the first people, or is the first person to really desensitize me to the idea of drinking and driving. So we would drink and drive together around our little small town and go hiking. And I'm like, oh, she's driving just fine. Like, again, this is so bad looking back, but in my teenage brain, I was justifying it. And we did a lot of stuff like that. I had a job at a bakery. And some of the people I worked with there too, we would, oh my gosh, we would make a little drink in frost donuts and

slice some bread while drinking at work. Yeah. Yeah. So that was all in high school. And Yeah, I can think back to a lot of great times, but it was definitely the beginning of something a lot worse. Yeah, but when you're going through it, there's all these maybe these small little events that just normalize, you know, drinking, kind of being part of the culture that we're, you know, living in or just part of the events and kind of what we do. I mean, I think that's such a slippery slope when we, when I look back on my story, when I connected to drinking to like happiness, when I connect. the drinking to connecting with other people because, you know, as time went along, I lost the ability to do that otherwise. That just kind of became the thing of like, on board, or here's downtime, or here's meeting somebody new, or you're having a rough day. Let's talk about it over a drink. And then it's like, before I knew it, everything required a drink. Or I thought it made.

I just didn't have the other ways. And it's kind of like what you mentioned there too. When I think back to this stuff, I'm like, man, like, that's so, so strange. That's so. far from where I am now, I can see it clear as day. But when you're going through it, that's the thing with all of this. The awareness is just not there, which is wild. Yes, I completely agree. A lot of your self-awareness just is gone and numbed. And the seriousness of things is just down.

Everything's downplayed as long as it's in the name of protecting, like, the habit, protecting the being able to drink and like you said at first alcohol was like a thing to just do for for fun but it very quickly was like this is the sidekick you have it for everything you have it for when you're happy when you're sad when you're mad when you're celebrating or when you're mourning like it's always the perfect sidekick or was believed to be and yeah yeah yeah thank you for sharing that. Anything else too before we move forward from your childhood that you feel is important to the story? Yeah, I mean, I did have a number of traumatic events that did also happen to me in very early young ages without getting into details that I never knew needed to be addressed

in a more maybe professional way, like perhaps seeing a therapist or stuff like that. It was just like, kind of like, if something really, really bad or traumatic happen, it's just like, oh, well, that happened, just move on. But that still lived inside and was manifesting in different ways. And I, too young to even know that that's a thing. But that definitely was something I carried with me throughout the childhood and through adult life that I wasn't confronting or dealing with. So I will mention that in terms of childhood. A lot of traumatic things. and even situations of certain types of danger being normalized, chaos, being normalized. So I did want to mention that.

And then one last thing is that that childhood high school, junior high, best friend that I had had, I did have to end that friendship because the alcohol was just so out of control and things like that. So once I did, I thought, oh, well, I have. my life back, I can still drink, but it won't be like to the level that me and my friend were drinking. So that's kind of where that chapter closes and moves on into the next phase of how drinking looks for me. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for sharing that too. It is so interesting because I even reflect back on my story, a lot of things that happened, you know, we've definitely lived two different paths in life. But a lot of the things that happen,

that could fall into that category of trauma too. I feel like at an early age I developed sort of this body armor or this way of coping with things. And at the time helped me survive. But as I got older, I felt like those were the things standing in the way of sort of the next level in my life, of the ways of coping. They served me maybe in those moments. But it came a point to where they were just keeping me stuck. And maybe that's something, if that's related, at all to you. Maybe that's something we'll kind of talk about too. Like further down the road is, you know, I think part of this whole process is realizing for us, there's a whole lot more to this picture than just drinking alcohol or just not drinking alcohol, you know, sort of as we go through

it. So after high school there, I mean, where do you venture off to? Yeah. So after high school, you know, I was ambitious and wanted to make a good living. So it was just a lot of lot of work and play. I made time for work and play, but I was definitely managing my alcohol in comparison to those earlier's a lot better. But it was still something that I prioritized. Drinking was always a priority and was important for me to make time for it. But yeah, so, you know, getting into the working world, I got into the car business when I was 20 years old, I believe it was. And I am still to this day, good career. I also completed a college degree and was on the dean's list, 4.0, all that stuff. I had done some world travel. I went to China.

Just was, as a young person in their 20s, just trying to have as colorful a life as possible and be successful. And again, still make as much room for play as I could. Yeah. I mean, it's a, you know, in those days, it probably felt like a win-win, right? I mean, you've got sort of this career that you're starting out in and then you got some time for drinking. I mean, was a majority of your drinking done like at bars and clubs or was it at home or that looked? It was at home and at bars and social events. I, you know, I loved going out for cocktails with friends and just letting your hair down. and all that stuff, but I definitely like to have my wine at home and my way to wind down after working hard. You know, it was

a reward system for sure. And I was drinking pretty much almost every single day, but only some of the days was I drinking to the point where it's like, whoa, that was a lot and you know, you have to work the next day type thing. Yeah. But it was daily,

but I just thought, oh, like, I have controlled my life. So, it's okay yeah things were good yeah I mean the things we're not falling apart which I think is a relatable story to so many of us that there was a point in time where yeah I mean we were drinking in in excess it was a lot of drinking but it didn't have the it didn't impact our life and we're not losing our job and you know all these other things that maybe these are things we're looking for right as like society to say okay you for sure

Brad, you just lost your job because of drinking. You for sure have a problem. And if those aren't happening, I think it's very easy. And we also, maybe this is relatable to you or not. But I purposefully, I think, surrounded myself with other people that were kind of living like I was. You know, like I was hanging out with people that like to drink and drank a lot and made excuses for drinking and wanted to watch football all day and drink. And I was like, this is the greatest thing ever.

I didn't really surround myself with people that weren't living like that. And it kind of makes sense looking back. People that weren't doing that really probably didn't. want to hang out with me or the people that were, right? That wouldn't really make a whole lot of sense. And if you don't see anything different, then it's like, okay, you know, this is normal. Nope, I 100% agree. My friends were chosen by, do you also like to drink and let your hair down? Do you like to party? Do you like to get dressed up and make it look glamorous? Or, you know, what's drink about a bunch of wine and just talk for hours on the balcony.

and smoke cigarettes and just, I thought that drinking with others was building deeper bonds and connections, like, we're just getting more comfortable with each other, things like that. But yeah, absolutely, I chose people specifically based off, can you hang? You know, like, and if you didn't drink or didn't like to do that kind of stuff, yeah, I was kind of like, you know, you're cool. I respect you, but do I want to spend ample amount of time with you? No, that's going to be too boring. for me. Yeah. I mean, yeah, drinking alone is kind of, yeah, I mean, I think that's where

a lot of us end up. But I think in those, in the beginning or more beginning stages, yeah, it's about connecting with other people. And it's a really interesting point you bring up there about how we think we're connecting on this deeper level, right? There's like a weird quote that says something about, you know, when you're drinking, you kind of let out the truth of like the heart or something. And I'm just like, oh, my gosh, like that is so not true. Because we can't even we can't even really connect with ourselves at that point. I mean, I looked at drinking then, too. I think a lot like what you're mentioning is I was able to connect and let my guard down and forget about me in securities. But I don't think much of what I talked about was actually

like the truth. Maybe what I thought was the truth. I think the second I started drinking was a disconnect from my authentic self. Yes. But I believed the opposite when I was in the mix of it. gosh that's so real 100% are you dating or anything at this point in your life yeah so that's the other thing I was in a relationship with somebody from I think we got together when I was 21 and through I think I I think that relationship ended when I was 28 I believe it was 28

but this person great person I'm still very close with them to this day. But they, they drink as well, but they didn't have a problem, so to speak. But I think, and we would drink together, you know, wine at home, whatever. But like, and I think they always, actually, in fact, they knew that I like to drink. So, but I don't think they were alarmed, so to speak. I think they just thought, you know, young girl 20s, oh, she's doing right by herself. She's working hard. She doesn't miss work. She's doing good in school. she keeps the house clean you know responsible very responsible but so i was in that relationship and i think too because he didn't drink to to the level that i wanted to drink i did try to mirror him

because i didn't i definitely didn't want to appear to him too reckless so yeah i do think that if it wasn't for being with him, I probably actually would have been a lot more reckless. So that's another kind of codependency in that respect. I'm dependent on mirroring my partner when I should be able to just manage that on my own, right? Wow. In a perfect world. But that's interesting. So you're in this relationship too.

But yeah, I mean, you're doing what you need to do. And I think that's kind of one of the more interesting things about alcohol as a drug. You know, I mean, sometimes people want to say drugs and alcohol. You know, I did the DARE program and it was always kind of separated, you know, back in like grade five where you write the paper and I don't know if you did that. But it was kind of like the two separate things, right? I mean, alcohol was dangerous. But the drugs over here, I mean, you got to, you know, never do this or say no to drugs. You know, the big campaign, you know, back in the 80s or whatever, 90s of just say no to drugs.

but it was so interesting. When you're struggling with alcohol, you can really hide out. Like you can really kind of fit into it. I used to go out with a lot of people and they say, and I read, knew you had a problem. Well, what you didn't know is after we stopped hanging out, I went home and drank a six-pack or a dozen beers as well as to where you probably went home and called it a night.

Like, I didn't want everybody else to see that side of things. Yes. And, yeah, it can make it complicated. But it's like, you know, we look back and like, well, why did nobody say anything? It's like, man, because we were just keeping it quiet. We didn't want everybody to know and stuff in front of people. So, you know, that is, yeah, that's always something that is interesting with alcohol, too, is it can seem to carry on maybe for longer and not be as red flag or as noticeable.

I think for ourselves, too. I think we tell ourselves a lot of things. Like, I mean, how could it be that bad? It's on every billboard. They sell at the grocery store. They sell it at the convenience store. Everybody does it. You know, we can feed ourselves these sort of ideas to keep things going.

How do things look like for you moving forward, too? I mean, yeah, no, I mean, I just have to respond to that because I do think I was very methodical at who I drank around how much I drank around them, how it appeared in front. of them and you know I would it was just a it was a full-time job managing like my drinking and how it appeared to others for some it was like if I knew you were on my level great if you're not I'm like okay and so also to that too like before a function or something like that I would always drink before I went to the function to show up seem composed and like articulate and all those things and they'd have no idea like I drank a lot before I showed up here because my tolerance was very high. But then I would start to drink as if I was my first drink since that day, right? But mind

you, I'd been drinking. And so then I'm drinking at the function. And then I'm drinking when I get home more in, you know, my privacy. And yeah, that was, I was very good at managing and hiding certain aspects of the drinking. And that was a theme throughout all the years I continued to drink. But yeah, so, you know, that to say, that relationship I was in eventually, collapsed in whatever kind of sense. And I had been in that relationship, like I said, since 21 years old. So at this point, I'm 28 and I'm going to be starting all over, move, all those things. And my drinking had gotten a lot worse the last two years I was in that relationship. And I was home alone all the time because he was gone a lot more for work and things of that nature. So at home, I was drinking two

bottles of wine a night by myself on all the nights work nights weekends and just it was getting so bad and I um in my mind like when I left that relationship I went to stay with my family like for a little bit to figure out like what am I doing next you know I still had my job and all that stuff but and I remember thinking like oh maybe my drinking will get a lot better now that you know I'm on a new chapter in my life. And even though I was still heartbroken, I mean, it was, I loved that person and it was, you know, seven, eight years with somebody and then you're just starting over. It's a lot. So my drinking continued, but I had a couple of months where it really simmered down because at this point I'm at my family's house and my dad had given up drinking sometime when I was in

high school, I believe. So he's sober and I'm definitely, and I'm glad he's sober for the record. But I was just like, yeah, this isn't going to be a place where it's appropriate to drink. So to me, in some ways, it was kind of like checking into rehab. But so that was in 2019. And yeah, so my drinking was still a thing, but I was trying to be moderate, trying to manage it. And eventually I moved out of my family's house. And it's 2020 at this point. and I my drinking got heavier and heavier and you know in 2020 it was even more normalized to day drink I'm like cool like what I already like to do is now normalized yeah yeah yeah I'm just I'm just curious too how your life feels and looks outside of this right so I mean you're you're showing up to work and you went through or you're going through this break

break up. I could be way off and left field here, Brittany. I very well could be. But my best guess here is, on the outside, for the most part, if I asked anybody around you, they'd say, you're good. Things are good. You're doing well. You're on track. You're achieving your goals. You're where you want to be. But I have this hunch that on the inside, things are not really like that for you at all. Any accuracy? Yeah, complete accuracy. How do you feel inside? I mean, are you able to kind of go back there and articulate how you felt about how you were as maybe somebody who came off as having a ton of confidence and being really certain in where you're going and how your life was looking, but maybe on the inside, second guessing a lot of things? Yeah, so I had not been

okay on the inside really ever like i mentioned depression was something i had my whole life so i was always using alcohol and drugs for that matter pills when i could get them as a form of self-medicating and i knew that i was sick i did in my knowing of knowing knew i was sick and knew that i needed to get a whole of things but i still kept blaming outside things for why I was drinking. I'm like, oh, I just don't feel aligned at my job anymore. Or I just don't like where I live. I just need a move. I just need to move to a different state. I would just think if only this changes or this changes or this changes, then maybe I won't be so heavily reliant on drinking or I won't be misusing it. Like I'll be able to moderate if I just change certain things.

And I really believed that. And so, you know, again, I knew I was sick and I knew I was kind of performing for others by making it seem like everything's cool. And I was very ashamed of it. So I didn't want to talk to anybody about it. I kind of thought I got myself into this. I need to get myself out. So I didn't reach out for help, even though I should have. But, yeah.

Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing that too because I think it's easy at times to get really honed in on the timeline and maybe not go to that level of how things, you know what I mean? We're actually looking. And I think that that or how things we're actually feeling on the inside, I think it's very easy for a lot of us that struggle with this to paint a really pretty picture. I mean, I've heard stories from people that on the inside they're dying, but on the the outside, nobody had any idea. And when they tell people they quit drinking, everybody looked at them sideways, like, I never knew you had a drinking problem. I never knew you were struggling with it. And that can be like that thing of like what you mentioned there, the shame of how did I let things get this far or I can't let anybody in to let them know what I'm struggling with. And you kind of brought up there too, like one of my favorite things. And kind of one of the things that really changed my life and brought everything into perspective is wherever you go there you are.

Yes. So we can want to go on the vacation or move to the different state or get the different house or the different relationship or the different job. And you know what? Those things might keep us on the straight and narrow for a little bit. But the novelty usually wears off without the internal change that, you know, has to happen for things. So that's, I think that's a thing a lot of people go through.

We try it, right? I mean, what sounds better? And now this could sound really weird. But what sounds better to somebody struggling with alcohol than a life where we could figure out how to have the alcohol and not have the chaos or have the consequence or have the anxiety? It's like, there was a point in my life where I was like, that's a home run. That's the lottery.

Like, can I figure out how to have alcohol be part of my life without all this other stuff? Like, let's figure out the equation. Like, that would just have been a grand slam. Looking at my life today, that wouldn't be a grand slam, but there was a point in time where I would have thought, man, that's winning. That's great. Yes. We wanted our cake and eat it too. We did. And, you know, it was delusional to think that that actually was something that could be attainable. You know, again, looking back, I'm like, man, I really believed that there was a way to to have my cake and eat it too. And it's just like, no, you know. So it is really, it is, that's just very real. that saying no matter where you go there you are i remember actually it was the first month i got

sober someone close to me said that to me and it really is exactly what i needed to hear in that moment because i was in early sobriety i got you know sober on january 3rd so this was probably like on january 12th when they said that to me because i'm like you know i think i just need to move to i can't remember where i said at the time yeah and that's when they said to me Because I was, I opened up to this person. I was like, look, my life is a mess. But I'm five days sober, you know, whatever it was. But anyway, so when they said that, I was like, you're right.

Like, I need to make this right here now where I am and not show. If I do decide to move someday and not show up fragmented and still same old patterns, right? Yeah. But, but yeah. So I'm on my dad. What was your last question? I don't know. had one. I was just thinking, too, I mean, so you had that sort of the, you know, quote-unquote rehab, right, staying

with your parents too. The thing not to do is drinking. And then kind of your, it sounds like next part of your story is you're kind of heading back out on your own to kind of take on the world solo in a sense this time. And I mean, how does this all come together for you? As you're moving around, I mean, are you still in the same town you grew up in? No, I was, so my parents may live out in the country. And then, so I was back in Minneapolis at this point, and I lived with a couple of girlfriends at the time. And so it was 2020, and they drank, too.

So, you know, we're just, we're drinking, we're having fun. I mean, we're also, what do you call it, not going out because of the pandemic and all the things. We were just, and, you know, we were just enjoying our time together. but like my drinking was getting excessively worse that year. And so when my lease ended with them, I was like, whoa. So I actually checked, I actually checked myself back into rehab again. I am meaning my parents after living with them.

And I'm like, I just need a reset real quick. So I went to stay up my family again for a few months thinking I would be able to quit. My drinking was got even worse. Even at their house, I was just drinking alone there. in privacy and hiding it in hiding in hiding oh yeah they had no idea no idea but then yeah i only stayed there for maybe a few months and then got a place alone this time now living alone i thought it was the first time actually i'd ever lived alone so i thought you know uh hopefully this goes good drinking wise and it didn't i drank alone every single my drinking was even worse

But at the same time, I liked the solitude aspect of it because I'm not having to make sure who's watching. And I can drink as much as I please and within whatever reason and still try to just remain responsible with work and all that stuff. So basically, at this point, I'm just kind of back to my lone wolf ways and drinking and work home, working home. And then my main version of fun, and I hate to admit this, but I was like, as long as I have my dog, alcohol, and the open road, I'm good. So I did, my favorite activity was me and my dog, get ready to go on a hike somewhere beautiful. I have my alcohol. I'm drinking, driving, and going to this beautiful place in nature and drinking on the hike

and get lost in the music on the highway. and to me that was a perfect day and I would do that all the time that was my like I said my form of fun and solace but at the same time that was the best of it but at home I was just at work I was hung over at work every day I was hung over all the time my body was just like couldn't keep up it was getting worse and worse and I was so depressed it was just getting really bad. But again, when that lease was coming to an end, I knew I didn't want to live there. I didn't like it. And I decided to stay with my family again. This was, again, my version of checking back into rehab and trying to recalibrate because I was like, I just need to get out of Minnesota. I need to

quit my job. I need to get out of Minnesota. I need to go somewhere that's more in alignment with me. and so I had plans to move all kinds of different places over the years and I was just in this loop it would never happen and so eventually one day or after months of contemplation I decided you know what I'm going to quit my job at this point I'd been there for almost 10 years I'm going to move to this little remote cabin in Wisconsin and I'm going to get a job in that area and work on a book that I had had been writing. And I just thought that was going to be the answer. And in all my journal entries too, like, I believe that this was going to be the answer and I was going to be able to quit drinking. So I did. I put in my notice to my work and leased this place in Wisconsin, which was a month-to-month lease, and I bring it up for a reason, and was about to move forward. The drinking was still very bad. I could not make it two days, let alone one. And my work at the time was they really wanted me to stay. They were like, is there anything we can do, you know? And finally it occurred to me

what it would take for me to stay. So I negotiated a different kind of schedule structure that would make me feel like I had a little more work-life balance. And they approved that. Well, that meant that this little place in Wisconsin I was at for a few months, not even, I would need to move back closer to work again. So because that was a month to monthlies, I was able to get out and I moved back. I got a new place again in my hometown and did a little bit of commuting for work. So they accepted that. And again, the drinking is still really bad. And I'm very lonely because again, And my life is in a lot of solitude. And my, as far as dating was concerned, I just, I didn't date.

I didn't do any of that. And one of my friends was like, you know, if you really do want to meet somebody, you might need to try the dating apps because you work all the time and, you know, you go home. So give it a chance and try not to be too picky because you're so picky. Like, you got to. And I'm like, okay, so. so I did I did I gave dating apps a chance and I ended up meeting somebody on the dating app or on the same time in this new place and you know we I guess hit it off and it was very early on I realized this person did not have a drinking problem and I was very attracted to that and so I thought oh they're going to rub off on me and I just won't drink as often and I'm not as I won't be as lonely

And so that was helping for a little bit. And again, I was embarrassed of my drinking. So I'm like, I don't want this person that seems so amazing to be like, oh, nevermind, she's got a problem. But it wasn't long into that relationship that I realized this person had some really bad anger problems. And at the time, they weren't directed at me. it would be other things, but they were the type where if something bad happened at work, they are punch a wall. And I'm like, oh my gosh, whoa.

But they seemed wonderful. There was already kind of this Jekyll and Hyde when they came to this person. But I'm like, well, so far it hasn't been at me. And it wasn't, this relationship moved very fast. But it wasn't long before, I wouldn't. At the time, I wouldn't have been able to call it abuse, but now with the education I have and everything, I was in an abusive relationship and in the early stages of it. So it was psychological, emotional, mental, and I was walking on eggshells.

And I had a lot of highs with this person and a lot of lows, just like alcohol. And somehow, after a very, very, very low, low with alcohol, and I'm like, I'm never drinking again that's it today's the day things neutralize a little bit and then my brain only remembers the good times and i'm like okay drinking and it was the same thing with this person they oftentimes say like abusive relationships are are like a drug because of all the highs and lows and how our brain deals with somebody being the cause of harm but also the solution to the harm and again much like alcohol. So basically this relationship lasted about a year in total. But my drinking was getting worse while in this relationship because now I'm also drinking to numb myself from the

nightmare I'm in with this person. And it was very challenging. And I kept thinking it's kind of same thing with alcohol, well, maybe when his problems he has in his life dissipate and things are more neutralized, he'll be the better version of himself that I've seen so many times. And yeah, so basically, I'm just in the state of utter delusionment with everything, with the alcohol, with this person. And I didn't want to be alive anymore. I, all the time just thought it'll be just so much better if I just cease to exist. And it was just very heavy and I could tell my body, well, I was skin and bones at this point too. So I wasn't, like my appetite was just gone. So I wasn't eating, but I was drinking

and just very sick and withdrawn. And so I remember it was October of 2024. I kind of not because I wanted more pain or harm, but I kind of wish something worse would happen so that it was like I had the ultimate clarity in terms of the relationship. and it was in November he did end up physically assaulting me and I guess that was the clarity that I needed and I got it so I um I has a plan of you know a plan to get him out of my home and it was

very traumatic right so I got him out of my home and then I told some people in my life, you know, what had happened. And I knew that would keep me accountable too, because it wasn't so much longer after he had assaulted me that he went right back into love bomb mode and was trying to repair things. And I almost was, maybe I can look past this. Maybe this is just an isolated incident. But my sister especially really helped me stay accountable and know what I was dealing with. So yeah, I legally was able to break my lease out. after that because of domestic violence and I went to stay with yet my family again. But this time I just, I was so traumatized. I didn't know what was what. I didn't have the

capacity to be like, where am I going to live? What am I going to do? Like, let me just be at my family. And so at this point, it's December and I'm still drinking a lot and I just am wounded. And I'm being, I'm no contact from this person, right? And I'm listening to now podcasts that are, I'm listening to your podcast and I'm listening to domestic violence podcasts at once. And one of the DV podcasts mentioned, um, that abusive relationships are, it can be harder to break than, um, a heroin addiction because of the trauma bond that forms. And when they're explaining all this, I'm like having so many dots connecting on my relationship with alcohol and this and how that was kind of a manifestation of what I had going

on inside just reflected in a relationship and I'm like it was just very mind-blowing so I'm remaining no contact it's hard and in remaining no contact it's much like abstaining from alcohol in that respect although I wasn't abstaining from alcohol just yet I decided you know what my birthday's on December 31st. So I'm like, I'm going to go down to New Orleans. I'm going to get together with some of my friends, trying to try to forget about all this terrible stuff and have a good time. So I booked this trip and I'm there and everything's going good so far. My ex sends me an email. He had already been sending me emails that were just pulling at my heartstrings, right? And I just kept ignoring them but one night while drinking a little bottle of gin walking back to my Airbnb in

Orleans my guard is down and one of the influence I get a message that just tugs at my heart again and I'm like you know what I love him I miss him I'm just gonna break no contact and so I did and next thing you know you know he's on the phone and he happened to be in Alabama he's a truck driver he's like you know this see he's like he's like you know this see he's like, God wants us to be back together. And I'm like, oh, yeah, this is all just divine intervention, whatever. So next thing you know, we're together in Orleans. Everything seems cool. But the very next day, I already started to see little things slip out that kind of showed me that he's just the same person and I'm just falling back into the cycle again. And so to make a long

story short, I'm in New Orleans. I'm still drinking, having fun. That was a was the last time I ever was drunk, by the way. It was in New Orleans, which is kind of funny. But I got back home to Minnesota after that trip, and I'm on the phone with my ex again, and he's just being awful, just saying awful things. And it was January 3rd. It was morning time. I was in my office at work. And he said, or I said, you know what? I'm like, I'm never talking to you again. And I hung up. I said, you know, leave me alone. And I blocked him. It was very hard. I didn't want to do it, but I knew I had to. And after I got out of the phone with him, I was just trembling. I was just beside myself. And I knew in that

moment, I was like, Brittany, if you want to stay away from this person once and for all and reclaim your life, you need to also quit alcohol today. No offense or buts about it because one, you're going to use it to medicate your broken heart. Two, it's going to, again, make you not have boundaries and stay, you know, in control with staying no contact because, you know, you know how alcohol makes you just forget all about your boundaries and lead with your emotions. So I'm like, there's that end of things. And I'm like, and ultimately, one or both of these things are going to end up killing you. So you have to say goodbye to both. And so I actually did. That was the beginning of my day. That was my day one. And I didn't believe it. I didn't believe I had

what it took at the time to stay sober because I had tried so many times. But that is what ended up making it stick. And in early sobriety, whenever, like, I had, I wanted to drink again, I would just tell myself, drinking again would be, like, going back to him. And going back to him would be, like, going back to drinking. And I'm like, both are destructive and are taking your life away. So they were both enforcement of staying away from each thing. But it was the first time in my entire adult life that I was finally facing emotions head on without numbing. And it was the first time for a lot of things without alcohol. Let's just put it that way.

But again, I knew my life depended on it. Yeah. Wow. You really hit a stride there with sharing. Thank you for sharing all of that. It's so, you know, you have all these times, right? You shared, right? You're trying, you're trying.

And I mean, maybe they're in the 50s or the hundreds of times you're committing or maybe under that, too, that you're trying to really throw everything at this, right? Your parents' place and changing this and changing that. And then, you know, you have this whole experience. But then it comes down to January 3rd where, I don't know, maybe you woke up that day kind of like it was another day. Then maybe this wasn't even the plan when you woke up that morning. It doesn't sound like it. like you were going to start this journey again and then here you find yourself 11 months later. Yeah.

No, it was technically not the plan, but I will say this, that in December, when I had been writing like 2025, what do you call it, New Year's resolutions, that whole kind of thing. One of my New Year's resolutions, and it wasn't the first time I had this, but I did write this year become either an under moderate, drinker or not a drinker at all. So I still wanted to leave a little room for alcohol. But I did. I did set that I was like, this is an intention. Like I need to get this under control this year. So. But yes, did I think it was going to end up being that early on in the year? No. Yeah, which is, I mean, it's so interesting in so many stories, right? Because we hear of like all these times we tried. And then I think if it doesn't work out, we can beat ourselves up. Like, look, it didn't work out. It'll never work out. I'm always failing at this. And then it's kind of the one

time maybe where we don't put all the emphasis on like our big goal or I'm quitting forever. It's maybe that quiet conversation we have with ourselves that maybe I'll just give it one more try. Maybe that's what it takes. I think a lot of times we're looking for a rock bottom. We're looking for the stars to align. We're looking for it all to make sense. We're looking for all the answers. Maybe if I just listen to one more podcast or read one more book or have one more conversation or go to one more meeting, maybe then it will all make sense. But this story is so common. Maybe it was all of the things that we had tried before wasn't all for nothing. Maybe all of the things we had tried were lining us up for like this one moment of clarity or awareness or vision or something spiritual that happens that says, okay, maybe I do have what it takes to just stay sober to day and see what tomorrow brings tomorrow. Yes, that is exactly right. Any of the other attempts in the past weren't for nothing.

Listening to the podcast, your podcast for those years were not for nothing. It was all accumulating and helping me get to that point. And so you can never, I think, get enough education or flood your mind with this kind of information, even if you're still failing. It's all helping, even if you don't, you can't see it. because you're not, you know, free yet. But, yeah. Well, when we first connected, like, I feel like it's been a while now.

But I think I remember this. Hopefully I'm right here. But how you had still been and still been drinking, but we're still listening to the show and doing other stuff as well, I'm sure. And, you know, maybe picking up things or maybe just in the background working on, you know, your subconscious about drinking and how it's showing up in your life and about connecting. you know, little dots here and there of other people's stories. And if they could do it,

maybe there's something I could figure out here. I think we can do a really good job of isolating ourselves or convincing ourselves that our journey is so much different and our story's different. And although there are elements of that, I think as humans in the experience and the set of emotions that we go through is all relatable. And what brings them upon is different. but from that element we have so much in common and yes you know maybe that could could be helpful I want to hear a little bit about too about how the sobriety journey has been for you and I mean these as you stack days and you know January 3rd kicking off the new year and your birthday on the 31st like it's all big stuff coming up for you right corner right it's exciting yeah oh my gosh

yeah it was crazy and you know I had downloaded you know one of those I am sober apps that helps you count down the days. This was probably like my 20th time downloading one of those apps. But I'm like, so I'd re-downloaded it, whatever. And I was just so serious about it. And yeah, so one week went by. I'm like, dang, you did one week. And I'm struggling.

It's not to say it's not hard. But like, I'm like, dang, that's so cool. I did one week. And again, I'm at my family currently. And I was fine with it. I'm like, this is where I'm. I need to be right now. But I was in therapy and doing those kind of things as well. And again, still continuing to listen to your podcast and reading some books. TikTok was big for me.

Yeah. Other sobriety people on TikTok, yeah. But I remember one day specifically in January. It was late January. I just got out of my therapist's office. It was snowing. And we had just talked about some heavy stuff in there. And when I got out, I was like, you know, I really need some wine, like right now or an old fashion or something. And I'm like, no, Brittany, like at the time, it didn't have been three weeks. And I'm like, no, we've come so far to me. That was such a, like, that it was like a huge milestone three weeks. I'm like, how can you just throw three weeks away like that?

And I was just having this fight with myself in the parking lot. And then I'm like, what do I do? I was this close to just going to a bar. And I'm like, wait, let me go on TikTok. And I remember I just typed. what to do when you have an alcohol urge. And I watched this girl's video all of two minutes. I don't even remember what it said. All I know is by the time I was done watching the video, my craving went away. And I was like, oh, dang, that's cool. That felt like a superpower in that

moment. I'm like, I can't believe I just fought off that heavy urge. And going forward after that, anytime those kind of urges would pop up, I, you know, followed similar practices. And I learned about the way neuro pathways work and the things we normally always associate alcohol with we can learn new associations but you have to be patient with it you know and trust that those neural pathways do start to connect yeah wow that's huge in that moment too where you plug into a video don't really have any idea what it was all about but it bought you enough time i mean that's the thing i think that we think that it's like we're craving alcohol all day i don't know that that's the case for for the majority anyway and it's it's trying in the beginning it's just whatever it takes

to get through like that five minutes or that two minutes or that 10 minutes and then that's why consistency becomes important because for the rewiring process for the things to train differently for us to operate differently we just need to consistently be making those other decisions I love how simple you kept it though I feel like sometimes we try to complicate this whole process. Like, let me complicate everything and make it so dynamic because that's obviously going to work. But the reality is it's very, very simple because the simpler it is, the more likely I think we're able to follow through and get to where we want to. And it was like that one moment literally changed everything for you, two minutes plugging in a search on TikTok,

kept you in the game. And then, you know, redeploying that sort of strategy over and over has kept you going to, you know, heal up and see the bigger picture a lot better, I'm sure, over the 11 months as opposed to week one or week two. Yes. You're so right about that, the simplicity of it, too. When they say one day at a time, it is down to one moment at a time. I think keeping it that simple is crucial in in getting sober and being patient with yourself. That was one thing I just never was when I was trying to quit in the past, just really let myself sit through a craving.

And I just never believed that it could disappear as fast as it can. That kind of was interesting to me. I just never sat with it long enough to see it happen and really. time. I was like a superpower, yeah, sitting with things and we're so used to reaching outside of ourself, right, for self-medication of some sort or a distraction. And then when you sit with it, yeah, you do realize, hey, it's, it's uncomfortable, but it's not going to last forever and it's not going to take me out.

I'm really curious, too, about where you're at now. I mean, you shared with us, I mean, so much. And like, I have heard so many of these stories that I know there's so many, layers to people's lives, right? And we've only covered, I'm sure, one speck of sand on an entire beach here, which is perfect. But how do you feel about yourself now with everything that you've been through and how you've been sharing that last story? I mean, wondering if things would be better if you weren't alive. I mean, I think that's very real. I went through a phase in my life where that was the reality. And now when I share it, I'm just like, gosh,

that was you were actually in a place like that it seems like another world away how do you feel by yourself now and in the progress you've made exactly what you said like that old version of me feels lifetimes away even in just 11 months like i still am just like in disbelief sometimes of just how far down in that hole i was and i've made tons of progress but i just i do a lot of people i know say this too just like once you finally get sober and you are deep into it you're like wait I've never really known the most authentic version of me until now and it's gosh sometimes it just one of those things that I look back and I just I want to cry in a in a joyful way but yeah I mean just to feel like I have learned how to self-regulate my emotions and not and learn how to

spiral mentally and learn just to honor my body with mind, soul, and spirit through all forms of life-giving activities has made a world a difference. I don't struggle with depression like I was. And if I have a bout of it, I know how to take care of myself in a way, again, that's life-giving, not numbing or that's destroying my spirit. So I, you know, I spend a lot of time in the gym like a lot of us do in recovery and just reading and just finding joy and all the simple pleasures that are out there and not needing anything to make something seem more what do you call it enhanced or whatever like yeah i just i feel immense gratitude and um it feels miraculous like yes i still to your point too like i'm like man i can't believe i was in such a dark place

for so long, I really just wanted to not be here anymore. Now I'm just, you know, so grateful to be alive. And I don't want anybody else to be stuck in that either. You know, it can get, it can get a lot worse. I knew that there's a part of me that still believed I could go on drinking. And I still had some of that left in me, but I had heard somebody's quote, um, rock bottom is just a point in which you stopped digging. And I'm like, yeah, I don't, I'm not digging anymore. I've seen enough. I have had enough.

And this has all been so worth it. Yeah, beautiful. Yeah. Incredible job for you to turn things around. And I mean, that, that joy word too really, really sticks out. You know, there's like happiness and then there's like joy. Yes. And I feel like that's one of the first things to go with alcohol.

We don't realize it. because maybe there's happiness still, but feeling that joy of, say, some people refer to them as the small things in life, you know, the sunrise or the bird's chirping. I think that's everything. I mean, I think those are the things that I missed. I never noticed it, which is wild. I never noticed how beautiful sunrise or sunset was. I never noticed the birds chirping while I'm sipping on a cup of coffee or even, I mean, I'm a coffee lover, even how beautiful a cup of coffee is. All of that stuff I just took for granted. I never even had the vision for it.

And I think finding that joy again is a big reason why I do it anyway and why I stay the course is because I know that on the other side, that's all gone. Yes, absolutely. I couldn't agree more. Yeah. Wrapping up here in a couple minutes, I mean, what are your big takeaways? What message would you send out there to anybody who could be in a similar spot or is just getting started? Yeah. If you are just getting started, you're still stuck. If you're still stuck or getting started, I just want you to first be gentle with yourself and give yourself some grace because you have been doing this as a form of, it's a survival mechanism and it's just what you, it's the tool you know how to use right now. But so don't let the shame dictate your future. or who you can reach out to, either for that matter, because I know that was my biggest barrier

with shame. But I just, again, be gentle with yourself. Plug into these podcasts. And again, like you mentioned, Brad, I would listen to these podcasts, well drunk, mascara running down my eyes in bed, hoping it would embed itself into my subconscious. And it did bring me hope. So I would say that. Even if you're still stuck, listen to the podcast, read the books, watch the other people and TikTok stories or their tips, even if you fail at day five and you're back at it, this, again, all these baby steps will add up. And sometimes you do need to fight a battle more than once, but you keep building up those muscles. And so believe in yourself. We all say that. It sounds cliche, but it's true. You just believe in yourself, believe in your

power. And it's there. It's waiting for you to tap in. I think that's my biggest advice and just when you're sitting with that, with the pain and things that you've been suppressing for so long, you're learning how to suffer. Suffering will always be a part of life in one way or another, but the art of learning how to suffer well is a gift you get with sobriety. And I think that has actually been one of the biggest gifts of sobriety for me. And in doing that, you do experience more joy. So it gets easier.

And it's one of the most remarkable journeys you could ever take yourself on. Yeah, wow, beautifully said. What a great way to wrap things up, too. Thank you so much for sharing your story, listening to the show, and happy to hear that, you know, it played some role in you getting to where you are now. Yeah, I thank you so much I thank you for what you do

It makes a huge difference It makes a very huge difference So your work is appreciated Thank you for having me on Of course So hopefully you don't reach celebrity status After your episode goes live And stop listening to the show

You know I will never stop listening to the show Honestly I listen to it all the time still You never want to forget where you came from Yeah Yeah. So true. So true. Yeah. Thank you so much, Brittany. Thank you, Brad. Well, there it is. Another incredible episode here on the podcast. Huge shout out to Brittany.

I'll drop our contact information for Instagram down in the show notes below. Be sure to send over a message. If you're able to connect with any part of her story or just to say thank you. If you haven't left a review yet on Apple or Spotify, jump over there right after listening. I love reading the written reviews on Apple. And that's going to be the first place where somebody who's considering and listening to the Subur Motivation podcast is going to start. So drop some reviews about your experience and how you enjoy the show. And I'll see you on the next one.