Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Tiffany Jenkins went from detoxing on the floor at the local jail to 10+ years sober and inspiring millions along the way. ❤️🔥

Episode Date: July 7, 2023

Tiffany Jenkins, from Juggling the Jenkins, shares her inspiring comeback story. From detoxing on the floor of the local jail to sharing her story with millions of people, she has come a long way. She has been sober for 10 years and continues to inspire others to persevere. You may recognize her as the author of High Achiever: The Incredible True Story of One Addict's Double Life or from Juggling the Jenkins. This is her story on the Sober Motivation Podcast. -------- Follow Tiffany on Instagram HERE Follow Sobermotivation on Instagram HERE Download the SoberBuddy App Donate to support the show HERE Check out Sober Link

Welcome back to season two of the Subur Motivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. On today's episode, we have Tiffany Jenkins, who shares an incredible, inspiring comeback story. From detoxing on the floor at the local jail to sharing her story with millions and millions of people all around the world. She is 10 years sober and continues to inspire others to keep going. You may know her from juggling the Jenkins or being the author of High Achiever,

the incredible true story of one addict's double life. This is her story on the Sober Motivation podcast. Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode. It's Brad here. Thank you so much for showing a ton of love for the podcast for the show. And most importantly for the guests that come on, because you guys send them messages and stuff and it just really is encouraging for them

and for everybody to get involved in what we're doing over here. So thank you so much. I also want to invite you to check us out on the Sober Buddy app. We're doing 10 plus live support groups per week. Plus, there's an incredible community of really, really beautiful humans there. Did I get to witness every day

supporting each other on this journey when things are good? When people need a little bit extra support, people from the app are there to help them out. It's truly incredible. So yeah, come check us out on the Soberbody app. Lots of support groups, lots of community, lots of connection. And you can try the app for 30 days for free. Join some of the groups. What do you got to lose? So many people love it. So many of the people that have been coming to the groups and checking out the community for six months or more, they love it and they really credit the community to be a big part of how they're able to

maintain their sobriety. So come check us out. I also want to give a big shout out to all of you who have helped with donations for the show through the buy me a coffee.com slash sober motivation. You won't make this possible. Thank you so much. And if you're able to make a few dollar donation and you're on a spot to do that and you love the podcast, head over to that URL, buy me a coffee.com slash sober motivation.

That would mean the world just so we could keep up with the cost for editing. and everything else that goes with a podcast. And if you're not in a spot too, we still love you, enjoy the show, and maybe just share it with a friend. And I'm also super grateful for Soberlink being here from the beginning. It's hard to find the motivation to get sober when you're in the trenches of addiction. It's easy to say I'll stop tomorrow or I'll cut back tonight. What's harder is putting action behind those words.

That's why I've teamed up with Soberlink. Soberlink's remote alcohol monitoring system was specifically designed to help in your recovery. not just some breathalyzer you buy at the store. Small enough to fit in your pocket and discreet enough to use in public, sober link devices combine facial recognition, tamper detection, and real-time results so friends and family know instantly that you're sober and working towards your recovery goals. Visit soberlink.com slash recover to sign up and receive $50 off your device.

Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got an incredible special guest. Tiffany Jenkins, how are you? Hello, I'm wonderful. Thank you for having me. Yeah, of course. So how we start every show is with the same question. What was it like for you growing up?

Yes, just jumping right into it. It's funny because growing up, I thought everything was okay. Now that I'm older and I look back, I can see some things were a little weird and probably not normal. My father was a super, fun guy. He made childhood really fun because he wasn't big on rules. So he would let us set the mattress up against the wall and my sister and I would slide down. But behind the scenes, I mean, there was a lot of drinking and partying and stuff going on that we weren't privy to. My mom was

a bartender and my father cleaned the bar that she worked at. And so we spent a lot of our time as kids at this bar. And it's weird because back then, I don't know if it was normal. for most people, but my sister and I would be walking around these bars, drinking cherry coaks, say and hide all the drunk people and, you know, six, seven years old. But yeah, nothing significant happened to lead me to what ultimately happened with me. I think when my parents divorced when I was seven and then it was just my mom raising us, she did the best she could, but because she was a bartender, she would work all night and sleep all day. So my sister and were kind of left on our own a lot. And so there wasn't too much structure back then.

Yeah. That's a tough thing too to go through. Yeah. I mean, at the time, we didn't know. We thought it was cool that we were left on our own all the time. We would wake ourselves up for school and get ready and leave. And then we'd come home and watch TV and do whatever we wanted because my mom would be gone. And then my mother ended up marrying a police officer. And things became the exact opposite. We went from no structure to probably too much structure, actually. He was very strict. Yeah, very structured. Where was this all at? Sarasota, Florida. Okay. I was born in New Jersey, but I moved to Sarasota when I was really young. So I consider myself from here. That's where I am still here in Sarasota. Okay, cool. How's the weather? Nice. If you like ovens, if you're,

fan of hanging out inside an oven, then yeah, it's so hot. It's not enjoyable. I know a lot of people dream of this weather, but I don't leave the house. It's too much. Yeah, because I'm up here in Canada, so yeah, they love talking and then going to Florida. Oh, I mean, I guess it's fun and short first, but every time I walk to the mailbox, I feel like I'm going to have a medical episode. It is just so hot. It's like walking through a wet blanket. Yeah, no, that's no good. That's too much. So your mom married the cop? So your mom married the cop. And how was things in school and everything for you?

Did you do well in school? I was actually not to brag. I was gifted. And I got kicked out of the gifted program for not paying attention. I guess like my brain was there as far as smarts. But I just didn't know how to apply it. I did good. I did good in school.

My sister was the one who comes. kind of tended to get in trouble. And so I felt like my role was to be the good kid because she was getting all of the negative attention. And I saw that when I behaved and did the right thing, my parents seemed relieved, like it was giving them a break. And then I kind of took on this role.

I see so much of that still in me today. I was a huge people pleaser. I was a worrywart. Everything I did was for their approval. And I felt like I was doing them a favor by being good because they already had so much to deal with with my sister. And it was exhausting. I was really anxious, I'd say, growing up. I didn't know there was a word for it.

But I was worried about things that most kids weren't worried about. I always use this example, but I very vividly remember not wanting to go on the playground with the other kids because I was so worried that I was going to hurt myself. and we were going to have to take me to the hospital. And I was worried about whether or not we could afford it. I was worried about if my mom was going to be mad at me for breaking my eye. Like thoughts running through my head that most people at that age probably weren't thinking about. But because we never talked about it, I thought it was normal. I never asked about it.

I just kind of lived with it. And it was exhausting. And so in high school, I became a cheerleader. that was a nice distraction. I was popular and awesome and pool and I got good grades, but that was around the time that I discovered substances and alcohol. And I had all this stuff wrong with me, but I never talked to anybody about it. And so my senior year, I was captain of the cheerleading squad. I had great grades. And I'd never smoked anything or drank anything or I hadn't even kissed a boy at this point. I was a really good kid. And when I

was introduced to alcohol and I said yes to it for some reason. It was the first time in my life that I didn't feel anxious and afraid and worried and stressed. I felt nothing. And it was such a magical feeling. Like I didn't know it was possible not to feel so much at once until I woke that darkness up inside of me with alcohol. Yeah. I can relate to you so much. on that. I was so uncomfortable. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. And then I went to my first party type thing. It was like 18, 19. And I went to this party and they had the cooler. They called it like some sort of juice and it had the fruit ever clear and everything. And I was drinking this stuff. And like for two hours, I was on top of the world. And I felt like I for once

belonged to something. And I could talk to people and be social. And then the sickness started after that. But at the time, I don't know if I consciously was able. And this sounds really even weird thinking about her saying that I was able to really connect it to that it was the alcohol. Like, I don't know if I really picked up on that, but I knew I wanted more. And that makes sense, too, because I don't recall ever being like, this is the answer to all my. I just remember being like, whoa. And since it was the first time and I didn't have anything to compare it to, I just knew I wanted to try again and see if I could achieve that same feeling of numbness. And of course, I did. And that's when the chase began. So you feel like you were able to achieve that again? Because I know a lot of others,

like I got into doing heroin and stuff too and the pills and other stuff. Like that first time I was drinking like it was just that incredible thing. And of course I had other times where I felt good. But I don't know if I 110% ever experienced it like that euphoric is the first time. ever again. I agree. I don't think it's ever as euphoric as the first time. Same with drugs. So for me, it was drinking. And every time I would try a new drink or a new type of drink, it was a new feeling. So it was discovering all these new things and all these new feelings and experiences. And then the drinking progressed to smoking marijuana, which was a whole other feeling that did something completely different to me. And I was like, well, I've already done this. Why not try this other thing?

And it was like a snowball rolling downhill. I couldn't stop it. And so my drug of choice was opiates. And the very first time I did my drug of choice, I remember being like, oh my goodness, this is it. This is the best I have ever felt in my entire life. And I understood why it was $25 a piece because it was what I thought was the greatest feeling. Of course, at this point, you know, we didn't have like cell phones in our pockets. I'm not saying that everything that happened to me happened because I just didn't know. I mean, I could have figured it out. I could have paid attention to the DARE classes and, you know, I could have ran up to the library and read some literature about drug addiction, but I didn't care. I just wanted to party. And I didn't put two and two together. I didn't realize that you could withdraw from opiates. I always thought it was like the heart. for drugs that you would withdraw from and be sick and become a robber and break the law. I was like, doctors give this to people. Like, it just never occurred to me until I experienced my first withdrawal. Yeah.

Wow, you're sharing my story over there. Really? Yeah, it was the same way. I had no idea when I took that first oxycodone, five milligrams. I remember it like it was yesterday. That 30 days later of doing it consistently, when I ran out of, I had no idea what was to come. And I didn't know when it was happening.

I didn't know anybody else in my circle that was really doing drugs. Like, we partied, we drank, they smoked dope. But that was pretty much as far as most people took it that I knew. But I had this one buddy. I called him. And I knew he was into the stuff. And I said, hey, like my legs are just vibrating. I can't sleep.

Shut up. My comic is just in knots. And he's like, just nonchalantly. He's like, oh, that's just withdrawal. He's like, I got to go. And I'm like, okay. So what's the solution? And then I kind of figured it out.

I think I did a Google search or something. And the solution was that like I had to do more. And it was that time though, right? It was that time where all the information wasn't out there, right? We were kind of being sold a dream in a sense. And it wasn't readily available. So it's interesting that you share that because I thought I was kind of a strange one out to where I got involved with this stuff and had no idea of what it was going to look like. Right.

I'm freaking out, by the way, because. my story is I was laying in bed one night and it felt like my bones were growing out of my body. It felt like I was getting bit by a million fire ants. I couldn't get comfortable. I was twisting and turning and I called my friend and I was like, I don't know what's going on, but this is how I feel. And she's like, oh, you're probably just sick. Just grab another pill.

And I was like, okay, weird. And then I went and I got one. And then instantly all of the physical pain went away. All of the mental anguish went away. And that was the night that I stopped doing it because I wanted to and started doing it because I had to in order to not feel like I was dying. And that's how I felt. I felt like I had to keep doing it. And by then it was almost too late.

And I know so many people get addicted because they have a legitimate medical reason. I mean, there's people who have their whole lives planned out. They get a sports injury. The doctor prescribes them this stuff. And then that's it. They run out of their prescription. the doctor's like, you're done. And they're like, but I'm not done.

And then they end up calling, you know, knife blade over on 10th Street for more of the stuff. And so I didn't have a legitimate reason other than emotional pain. But honestly, I didn't even know I had that at the time. I was just young and stupid and bored and rebellious. But it escalated so quickly. It really did. And when my mom got sick at 46,

she was diagnosed with cancer and she passed away five months later. I found out I was getting a trust fund and I knew like I had limited myself to two of these opiates a day, but I knew that if I got that money that I would probably end up dying. And so I went to somebody and I was like, I think I need rehab. And they put me in rehab in 2009. And I did not want to be there. I went because I thought I was supposed to. I went because I thought my mom would want me to. So I was like super rebellious the whole time and I was yelling at the staff and I was counting down the minutes till I could get out of there and celebrate with a drink because alcohol wasn't my problem. The pills were and that's what I did. I completed 28 days and I went and I got my drink of choice

to celebrate graduating. But I managed to stay away from the pills long enough to meet a police officer who wanted to date me and I thought this is perfect because I can't use drugs if I'm with a cock, you know. So I thought anyway. Yeah, so 2009 you'd go to rehab. Where did you go somewhere in Florida probably, right? Florida's got a lot of options. Yeah. It was a place called Fairwind's Treatment Center. I went to a detox in Florida. It might have been around the same time, honestly, around 20. Really? Yeah, Clearwater. I went to Clearwater. It was a seven-day detox program in interesting. Probably about 2009. That's so funny. Yeah, it was exactly 2009. And it was towards the end of 2009. Yeah, because my mom died in October and I went, I think,

in the beginning of November, it was less than three weeks after she died. Wow. God, that's crazy. What if we were there at the same time? How weird would that be? Have you been cleaned since that detox? No, I haven't. No. Oh. Okay. It was a stepping stone for me, but it wasn't the end of the road for the clean, but it was good. You mentioned there, too, about the emotional pain. You know, know, looking back, we can kind of hopefully understand a little bit better about what was happening. You didn't even necessarily realize you had that. And that's the thing with the painkillers that I found out is like, you know, it's used for physical pain. But it did a dang good job at covering up everything. Like you couldn't just decide one or the other. It just kind of blocked it all out.

Oh, yeah. Great. Which like was a great part about it. But then you mentioned too to where it kind of turns on you. It kind of turned on me anyway to where it was this thing. that I was doing to get by to where became this thing that I felt I needed to survive to like make it through life. And it became a very challenging thing to keep up with. Yeah. And when you're sick, I mean, that's what I would call, you know, when I was withdrawing. I was sick. You can't think straight.

I mean, every minute feels like a year. It's so horrendous. So I would always tell myself, I'm just going to get enough to get me through today. And I'm going to come up with a plan to get off of this. stuff by the end of the day. I just have to be clear-headed enough to do it. And I would tell myself that every single day, like there was an end in sight. I was going to stop. I just couldn't stop while I was withdrawing because I couldn't focus when I was withdrawing. I couldn't do anything other than try to survive. And I just kept telling myself tomorrow. I'm just going to get enough to get

me through tomorrow. And then I'll make a plan on how to get off of this stuff without telling anybody that I have a problem. And I'll do it secretly. And I'll do it secretly. And I'll do it. it alone and that never happens, of course. Yeah. So after rehab there, you meet a cop and then you should you stayed off of it for a bit. So did this opiates come back into your life there? They did. Yeah. How'd that look? Not good. I was in a place where my family was finally proud of me because I left rehab. All they knew was I left and I was doing good. I wasn't doing pills anymore. So when I started dating this police officer, it kind of showed them as well, like she's a different person. We can trust her now. And I got a job. I was doing good. Things were pretty

serious between us. And somebody at my job offered me a pill because I had cramps. And of course, for a very split second, I was like, no, because these are bad for me. And if I do this, I don't know if I'll be able to stop and it'll ruin my relationship. It'll ruin everything. But it was like the most bleeding half a second. And immediately I was like, I'll take it. And I took it. And when I got to his house that night, he didn't notice that I was high. And I was like, dang, I can do these pills and keep up appearances. I can have the best of both worlds. I could have a little fun every now and then, and I could still look like I'm doing the right thing. And so that's what I did. And I ultimately ended up hiding my addiction from him for about two years. Yeah. Yeah. It's at one time,

it just gets the wheels turning again, right? Oh, yeah. And it wasn't even, I didn't have any recovery under my belt at all. I had never learned anything about any programs or so at that time, I didn't have any tools in my tool belt. So I didn't know about playing the tape all the way through. I didn't know that things wouldn't be different this time because I had kind of convinced myself of that like, well, I can manage it. I've gone this long without them. I could probably just do it tonight and not need it for a while. But that's not how it works. I mean, the minute it hit my system, I was programmed like a robot to just need more. I want more.

I have to have more. I think better, which isn't true, of course, but I felt like I was the 10 man and the drugs were my oil. I couldn't move or function unless I had just a little bit of oil to get me through. Yeah. When I was in college, I used to work and go to college full time and the pills. I just felt like Superman. I could just fly.

People were just like, what is wrong with you? You're just flying around doing stuff. you were in college when you were using drugs? When I first started, yeah. I mean, I eventually got kicked out of college, but when I first started. I was like, that is impressive. I didn't even make it there. You know what?

It's funny you say that. It's funny you say that in a sense because some of the people I've had on the podcast, I mean, I always am taken back because I was not able to, after a short amount of time, even to get dressed in the morning. And some of these people I talk to, it's unbelievable. I mean, they're movie stars. They're all on TV and doing stuff. And they're struggling with their addiction in between.

And I'm just like, I'm blown away how you can do this stuff. Because I there are a while. Like, things were good for a bit. Everything in my life didn't completely burn down right at the beginning. It took some time. But when it started to, it just went fast. I'm guessing that wasn't your story by your response there. I'm guessing that you were like me and you struggled with.

getting things going or no. Yeah, well, absolutely. So when I first started using, I had dropped out of school three months after my first sip of alcohol. I just dropped out of school because school no longer was interesting to me. I wanted to party all the time. High school? Yes, my senior year. You skipped over that one, Tiffany. I know. You had a cheerleader. You were doing well. You had the smarts and then you dropped out. I know. I forgot to mention that. Within three months, boom. done. My parents were like, what? Wow. Like, what happened? So then the guilt and shame kind of kicked in and fueled things to get worse. This was around the time when things were escalating for me and moving from drinking to drugs. School was just not on my agenda. There's nothing fun about

school. And you know, what's interesting is I feel stupid saying this because I know nowadays so many people are learning as adults that they have age. ADHD. And so it's very new to me. My diagnosis is very new. And I don't like talking about it because I don't have enough information. And I don't want to be a person that people look to for guidance in ADHD. But I will say this, looking back on my school experience, how different my life would have been if I would have known that I had ADHD. I couldn't sit through a class. I just was not interested in the way my mind works. If something doesn't. doesn't interest me. It is physically, scientifically impossible for me to absorb anything.

My eyes will literally glaze over like a shark and my brain shuts down. And I'm not here. My body's here, but my brain isn't here. And I never knew why. And so the minute I had the opportunity to drop out, I did. And I was so close to the finish line. I'm with you. I'm with you on that too because, yeah, I just am so interested recently because a lot of these conversations I'm having is talking a lot about ADHD with people, diagnosed. And I got put on Adderall, riddling everything, saw psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors, therapists, ever since I was a young boy. Oh, really? Yeah, because I never was able to really conform to the rules. I never really followed the rules. I had a hard time. I never passed a test probably in my entire life if I showed up.

You know what's so interesting is all the doctors I'm talking to said so many people with undiagnosed ADHD end up becoming addicts because they have all these symptoms, blah, blah, blah. But you knew it and still became an addict. So maybe my life wouldn't have been that much different if I had gotten help. But maybe it could have been. You know, where I went maybe right or wrong, I don't really know. But I was taking the Adderall, right? And the Adderall, what it did for me anyway was that it just made me not social at all. So I was able to create relationships, talk to people. Of course, I, I could focus and behave and listen to the rules.

I found that it really decreased my impulse. I didn't have that impulse. But what happened was one day in high school. I was probably a sophomore in high school. And my mom used to give me the medication every day. Like when I was in like grade six, seven, eight, you used to go to the office or see the principal or the nurse. They would give you like your second dose.

But I missed the medication that day. And my goodness, this fire inside of me just lit up. I felt like I was alive for once. And I hadn't felt that because I felt like I was just. in this like little box from the medication for so long and I hadn't experienced anything different. So then from that point on, I just was pretending I was taking it and the impulse, the behaviors, everything just skyrocketed like in pure insanity. So at the front door.

I have full body chills. That just blew my mind. Yeah. So maybe it would have been better. Maybe I would have avoided this route if I had just taken the medication. not. I don't know. I'm just very much interested in like brains and psychology and how things work. And so it was very interesting to me to hear that it wasn't like a late stage thing. Like you knew the whole time. This is why I struggle too, because so many people are diagnosed with this recently that when I think of

ADHD, like there's nothing hyper about me. I'm the opposite. I'm sluggish. I'm slow. I'm tired all the time. And that's why I had to get like three different opinions on it. But growing up, I wasn't one of the stereotypical ADHD kids that most people would think of, which maybe from the sound of it, the impulse thing might have been more aligned with who you were as a child. But anyway, I'm getting off topic because of ADHD. You know what I was like? The only reason I even mentioned it is because you mentioned it before we started the show that you had it. And I was like, he gets it.

But yeah, so where were we? I dropped out of school. Yeah, we were just kind of touching back on that. I mean, like you brought up there, the shame and stuff involved with that, right? You know, not finishing high school and stuff can be heavy, right? So, and then you married the cop. And then you had mentioned, too, that it was two years. We were just boyfriend and girlfriend.

We were not. Oh, yeah, married. Sorry. No, that's okay. I just wanted to clarify for the rumor, Mel. So it took two years for you to kind of get figured out. But you mentioned that it was really dark. in between what did things look like for you there?

So I was living a double life. I would wake up and put this mask on of, I'm a cop's girlfriend, we have a house together, we have a dog, I have a job, life is really good. But underneath,

I was a monster dude. I was lying and stealing and going to my drug dealer's house every day. So I had this level of desperation to keep this other part of me hidden. I didn't want him to know the truth about who I was because if he did, he would break up with me and I would lose everything. And I would be back to being homeless and I would have nowhere to go. And my family would write me off as a lost cause.

And so I had to do whatever it took to stay high because to me, high was normal. I don't even know why I would call it high because it wasn't like a euphoric high feeling. It was just base level human functioning at this point. In order to feel like a normal human, I had to do. you know, $200 worth of opiates a day. Then I changed the way that I administered the pills in a way that would leave a mark, in a way that I always said I would never do it because those people have a real problem. And then I became addicted to the routine of that.

I say it all the time. If there was a line of people who deserved what I did, he would be the last person in that line. He was like an actual angel. The minute his feet hit the ground in the morning, his goal was to make me happy. whatever it took. He would like skip to the kitchen to make me coffee and whisk into the room to bring it to me. And I was like withdrawing and I'm like,

get out of my face. And I was like such an evil. And so I got fired because I was accused of stealing from a coworker, which was very true. It was true. Totally true. I denied it, of course. So I had no money.

And I began pawning things from around the house. And I began pawning his things. And then one day I got super dexterity. and I took some of his firearms and I traded them for drugs. Like the kind of stuff that never at a million years, I would think that I did. At the time, I felt like there was no choice I had to do. That's where my brain was at. I don't have a choice here.

This is the only option is this crazy outlandish felony thing. And he came home and happened to check the gun safe that night. He never checked it. I thought I would at least buy myself enough time to come up with a plan to get the guns back because I had so many pills. Like I was set for a couple of days. So I could figure it out. He noticed they were missing and he called the police. They came. They were fingerprinting the house investigating a crime that I'd committed. For S's and giggles, they ran my name in a pawn database search. And it just lit up like the 4th of July. And they called

him into the office and they were like, did you know? They're your girlfriend on to all this stuff. And he just got really emotional. And they said, we have no choice. We have to bring her in because him admitting that he didn't know. That was it. That was all they needed. So they woke me up at a bed and rested me from our house, from our front porch, all these people who I knew who I'd partied with before, who I'd met in social situations were now, you know, handcuffing me and taking me away.

Wow. I can relate to you so much on that, too, about like it was just, felt like you had to do that stuff. You had to. I don't know if it would have crossed your mind at the time, but even with the plan of doing the buyback plan, this must have looked a little risky to think like, hey, hopefully this kind of plays out

and I'm able to get him back. But at the same time, like this could very much be noticed. Yeah, you would think that would have crossed my mind for sure. Like I knew guns were a scary thing. He had a whole entire gun safe full of so many guns that in my dumb idiot head, I was like, he won't notice if these two are missing. because I don't know anything about guns.

And so to me, they all look the same. He rarely goes in there unless he's going to go shooting, which was rare. So I thought by the time he ever even came around to noticing that they were missing, I would have like the most solid lie locked and loaded, or I would have rehearsed my, I don't know what you're talking about, speech so well that it was like second nature. the things that I could concoct in my brain, the weasily ways to get out of things, because that's all I did was think. I would start a lie on Monday because I knew I was going to need it Friday. I'd get so outlandish. I'd call my sister and be like, you're never going to believe this.

They shut the power off. And I was on my way to pay it. And I got a flat tire. And I got out to change the tire. and a bicyclist hit me in the shinbone with his pedal. And just like the craziest stuff in my mind sounded so believable. But the average person is like, this makes no sin. Yeah. No, I'm with you. I'm with you. When you got arrested there, though, on the front porch,

did you have any thoughts? Like, how in the heck did I end up here? I used to think that sometimes, like, when I would get busted for stuff or get arrested, I'd be sitting in the back of the cop car, you know, full of shame. embarrassment. And I would think to myself for a few seconds, like, how the heck did I end up here? This must be a big mistake. Not at that time. Like, I still thought I could get away with it at that point. I was on the porch and I'm like, what are you guys arresting me for? And they're like, we'll talk to you about it at the station. And I'm like, no, I feel like I've seen cops and you're

supposed to tell me right now what I'm under arrest for. And they said, well, tell you at the station. So at this point, I was like, okay, what could it be? Because there's so many things that it could be. Like, what could it be? And then he, my boyfriend, asked his coworker to pop the trunk of this police cruiser and he popped the trunk. And one by one started pulling out all of the tools and fishing poles

and things that I had pawned. And I was like, all right. So they got the pawn stuff. So then I went into, how can I explain this? Maybe I can't get out of this. Maybe I'll just say, because we lived together, I thought it was mine too. I didn't know it was against the law. When I was fingerprinting at the pawn shops, I would only put half a fingerprint down.

Or I would sign my name so that it didn't look like my real signature so that if it ever came to this, I could deny it. So the whole ride in the back of the police car, obviously there was shame and guilt like deep, deep down. But I was still in fight or flight mode. I was still in self-preservation mode. And it wasn't until a few. hours of being interrogated and the exhaustion setting in, the withdrawals setting in, the realization setting in. I just had this moment and my shoulders just slumped and I just put everything out on the table and confessed. It was like the weight of the lies and the double life became way too

heavy in that moment and I just decided to drop it. And that was the moment where the shame and the guilt and how the hell did I get here kept in. Yeah, that's powerful. Holding it all in, it gets really heavy. So heavy. It feels like there's a million balls being juggled up in the air. And if you look away for one second, they're going to come crashing down. So I have to balance all of these things. Where did I tell him I was last night? Where did the money go? Where can I say that I got this money from? Why am I so tired today? How many times have I had the flu this week? Who do I owe money to? Like it was utter chaos, utter chaos. And so I knew it was going to end.

I had hoped it would end in an overdose, honestly, because then I wouldn't have to worry about the consequence. Or so I thought at the time, that's what I wanted. It was like that would take me out and then I wouldn't have to deal with it. And I didn't think I was meant to have a long life anyway. I thought I was meant to live a short life and fizzle out and like become an example for other people of what not to do. I would pray for death because at the time, I thought that was the only solution. And in hindsight, I'm so grateful that those prayers weren't answered.

And it wasn't up to me. That's how dark it gets, right? Like, I got into a spot anywhere where I wanted to stop. I just couldn't stop. It didn't matter about the consequences. It didn't matter about the arrest. It didn't matter about my parents being upset. It didn't matter about living on my brother's floor, losing the job, getting kicked

at a college, burning everything. relationship bridge. It took a while for that stuff to catch up to like actually matter. And it's like, it's not hard looking back because I took a lot of wrong turns, but it kind of ended me at where I am today. And I'm extremely happy and grateful for where I am. You know, for me, it was hard to let a lot of people down. And I just, I wanted to do better for so long. I just couldn't quit. It was so tough. Where do you go from here? So it wasn't up to me where I went from there, honestly. Yeah. I was taken to jail and I was charged with 20 felonies. And at this point, even if I wanted to go get drugs, I couldn't. I had no choice but to withdraw. It was my first time in jail. And on day three, it was too much. The pain of the withdrawal, the realization setting in of all the choices that I'd made and all the things that I'd done. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take another minute in this first. broken body. I just, I wanted out and I tried to end my life on day three in the jail, actually.

I had a really great plan. So I thought, but they ended up finding me and taking me to, I don't want to trigger anyone really, but taking me to medical to put me in a glass cell with no clothing to make sure I don't hurt myself. And that's where I detoxed on the floor of suicide watch. Wow. Yeah, it was horrific. It was horrendous. I felt less than an animal. It felt like I was in a zoo. Like people kept walking by to make sure that I wasn't hurting myself. And I was just screaming and like ravenous and begging them to hit me over the head with their stick things.

I was like, please just tell me. Like I don't want to do this anymore. It was horrible. It was horrible. And then eventually the drug started slowly but surely leaving my system. I started feeling a little bit more human and they took me to general population. That was, I think it was like day 14. I can't remember the exact days.

But there was one day where I took a shower, it wasn't excruciatingly painful when I got out of the shower. And I was like, that's weird, dude. Because for so long, like when you're an addict, especially if you don't have drugs, when you get out of the shower, it's like chill to your bone. I can't even describe it. It's horrible. It's painful. And I was like, oh my gosh.

like my skin is wet and I'm not in pain. And then a few days later was the first time that I belly laughed for the first time in a long time, like a genuine laugh where your cheeks hurt. And I was like, I forgot all about that feeling. That's so crazy. And the more space that I put between the drugs and where I was, the more all these little things were happening. And so the consequences were still there.

The shame was still there. But I was physically feeling almost like optimistic. Almost like, okay. this feels familiar. I remember these feelings from before I started using. And then my dad came to visit me in jail. And that changed everything. He was an alcoholic my whole life.

And he came to visit me and told me that he had cancer. And I was like sad, obviously. He's like, but as of today, I have 60 days sober. And I was like, what? He was like, yeah, the doctor said that if I want to live longer, then I have to stop drinking. and I haven't had a sip of alcohol in 60 days. And I was like, that's incredible.

What does it mean? And he said, it means you need to get your shit together and get out of here so that we could do this recovery thing together as a family. And that's exactly what I did. Wow, that's incredible. I felt like if this guy, after everything that I did, if this guy can love me, if this guy can believe in me, I can friggin' love and believe in myself. And so I started writing judges that day, begging them to get me to a rehab.

And so they gave me a choice. I could just do the rest jail time or I could do four more months jail time and then six months residential treatment. And I chose the treatment because I knew that they let me out in the world without touching my brain in any way that I was just going to end up right back in there. And so even though I would have been gone longer with the treatment, I picked it because I wanted to hang out with my dad. and I wanted to do the recovery thing together as a family, and it was the smartest decision that I ever made. Wow, that's incredible.

That's an incredible story. So seeing that your dad was able to get started on his journey and get out of it inspired you that like maybe this would be possible or this could be possible for you as well. Yeah, and not only that, I hated who I was. And I did not think I was worthy of another chance or of love And just having somebody who knew me, like the real me from my old life, being like, hey, I know you're in there. I can see you.

And I'm here to help you bring that side back out. Just having somebody there seeing in me what I couldn't see in myself was enough to make me want to try at least. He definitely saved me. I got to pick up my one-year medallion and turn around and give him his one-year medallion the same time. So we got them together. and we made some really incredible sober memories together before he passed away. And I attribute so much of who I am today to who he became for me. Wow, that's incredible.

Were you close with him before that? On and off, I always loved him fiercely and had the most special place in my heart for him because he's hilarious and he's funny and he's artistic and he's goofy and he could do no wrong in my eyes. So he wasn't a regular figure in my life, but we would go some weekends and hang out with him and spend time with him. But it's so hard to be a reliable parent for him when alcohol is involved and when drugs are involved. And so, you know, there'd be months where we wouldn't see him. There'd be times he was in jail. But it didn't matter to us. We just loved him so much. So my mom was the constant. Begrudgingly, she would let us go with my dad whenever he was available.

But we became much closer in that short period of time of sobriety than we ever had in the whole duration of our lives. It was an amazing blessing. Yeah, it sounds like it. It sounds like it was really the thing that helped you turn the corner. How do things look after that? So you do this six month program and then like, what do you do? Because you're starting all over. Is their relationship done? Oh, it was done the day they put me in the back of the cop car. And he said, he came up to the window of the car. It was like, where do you want to take your stuff?

And I was like, what are you talking about? He's like, where do you want your belongings? And I'm like, are you breaking up with me? He's like, you've got 20. What are you saying? Of course I'm breaking up with you. What? Like I didn't grasp it.

But yeah. So then there was like a restraining order. And understandably, it was the end of the relationship that day, for sure. Don't blame them one bit. So from rehab, I decided to go to a halfway house because I knew I was ready for freedom, but I wasn't ready to be completely on my own. I needed some accountability. So I made the decision move into a halfway house and I lived there for six months.

Right after I moved into the halfway house, I met this guy who also happened to be living in a different halfway house and thought he was super cute. And we got an overnight pass together. and then two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. That was very fast because I had only known him for two months when I was pregnant. And by known him, I mean, met up with him at meetings because we didn't have a car. Like we had no money, no job, no nothing. And the timing was not good.

And I felt a little guilty because I'm like, what do I have to offer a kid? I'm in a halfway house. I barely even know the dad's last name. I don't have a job. I have nothing, but I had like this weird faith somewhere inside of me that everything was going to be okay. I cannot explain it. I just, I knew it was going to be okay. And so I talked to the guy about it.

And surprisingly, he did not run full speed away. If he did the opposite actually, and three months later, we were married. Wow. So both of us living in different halfway houses with nothing decided, let's just make this official permanent forever. So we got married. Yeah. And then my son was born on my birthday. And we ended up moving out of the halfway houses, working really hard, getting jobs,

saving up money. We got a car. We got an apartment. Had my son. My son was six months old when I found out I was pregnant again. And then two weeks after my daughter was born, his daughter from a previous relationship came to live with us full time. Wow.

So you got a full house there. Overnight. Yeah. It was over night. One minute, my main focus is my sobriety and figure it out how to live life. And then the next minute, I'm changing diapers, gluing things together for a preschool project and trying to figure out how to be a good wife. Like, it was nuts. But it happened to exactly how it was supposed to happen, I guess. Yeah. It always does. Sometimes for better and sometimes maybe not at the time. Right. There's so many times when I reflect back on my. story and I just look at the timing of things and I'm like, my goodness, I mean, that just could not have been any better timing how things like came together. I think about that all the time, the smallest decision.

Like if I wouldn't have gone to watch my relative graduate from rehab that night, I wouldn't have met him at the rehab he was graduating from and my kids wouldn't exist. And just that one small decision, it just blows my mind if I think about it for too long. But yeah, I mean, it was crazy. It was overwhelming. But it was so rewarding for me because not too long before that, people would shudder at the mention of my name. I was wanting to die in the jail cell. And now I have people looking up and calling me mom and giggling.

It was incredible. And it was difficult. And that's when juggling the Jenkins started. because I had postpartum depression with my daughter and the doctor's like, you should write. Writing is very helpful. And I'm like, okay, I will put that on my schedule between mental breakdown and diaper changes. I will just write. But I did.

I wrote and I shared it. And that's when I decided to start a blog. I thought I was going to be a blogger. Were you not a blogger? Technically, I was for a little bit. but I quickly went from writing mom content to writing about my time in jail. And that's when everybody started flocking to my page, like seagulls to a pringle. It was overwhelming.

What was it about what you were sharing that people were interested in? I think just the fact that I was speaking so candidly about it, because back then it was like 2017. And so like we were talking about earlier, there wasn't TikTok or reels or anything. There was this huge stigma around addiction. It was anonymous. You know, most people were anonymous. But I was like, screw it. Like if my story can help people, I'm going to do it.

So I just started talking openly and honestly. And I think the reason people flocked to me is because what I was writing was shocking. And the way I wrote it was shocking. I would write a chapter a week and I would leave it on a cliffhanger. and people were going nuts. And then eventually somebody's like, I wish I could send this to my son in jail. And that's when I had the idea to turn it into a book.

And so I took the blog down and Googled how to write a book and how to self-publish a book. And I did. I self-published it, sold a bunch of copies. And then it got picked up from a publishing company. It changed my life. And now it's in jails and rehabs all over. It's required reading for some college courses.

Wow. It's nuts. It blows my mind. I'm just so honored. Anytime anybody's like, I loved your book. I'm like, I can't believe I wrote a book. But in addition to the addiction stuff, I also did comedy. I started doing comedy and doing comedy skits using humor to bring awareness to stuff people felt weird talking about, like addiction and anxiety and depression and kids. And yeah, it took off. And so it was all of this darkness that occurred in my life, all of the heart. hardest times that actually ended up being the springboard to my new life. Had I not put myself through all of those terrible things, my life would look a lot different today. I feel like I've lived a thousand lives in my one life. Do you ever feel like that? Like you've done so much thinking and stressing and obsessing through your addiction and everything that you're like, man, I've lived enough lives for like three people. Yeah, you could say that. Yeah. The farther I get away from it It's almost like I have to sometimes convince myself that it was real.

It's so far away from like where I feel I am today. I know that we're all, you know, one decision from being back to where it was. I'm not in that sense. But it just feels like when I meet new people and stuff, if they ask questions, see, I was deported from the U.S. and given a lifetime ban after I got out of prison. So I live in Canada, but I lived in the U.S. for 16 years. It always comes up in conversation because I'm a huge Carolina Hurricanes fan, which is a team from Carolina.

Where I live here in Canada, the Toronto Maple Leafs. It's Canada's team. Everybody's a fan. So I'll wear Hurricanes stuff and everybody's like, how the heck are you a Hurricanes fan? So if I tell them the story,

they'll always add, oh, the weather's nice and Carolina, it's beautiful. What the heck are you doing up here? And I'm like, oh, my. I just had this flashback. I'm like, you're not getting the story. Some people I will tell the story too,

but like some people, it's like, dude, no, we don't want to start a relationship. But sometimes I'm just like, wow, it feels so far away and stuff. But yeah, I'm with you. It feels like you have so many different seasons that we kind of go. And we grow through and we learn and there's different experiences. And it was taken back by the one thing you mentioned there about your dad because you listed off some qualities that he had.

And then I just couldn't help but think about everything you're doing with the comedy and everything. And I'm like, oh, my goodness. I wonder if this is where she picked up some of this stuff. I love that. You said that because I feel like I owe so much of who I am to him. I paint and I do a lot of art and I feel like I'm so close to him when I do that. And my father was a freaking comedian.

He wasn't paid. He never went on stage and, you know, who knows if he wouldn't have had the alcohol and addiction where he could have been. But he reminds me so much of Jim Carrey and Robin Williams like his sense of humor. And so every time I see those guys, I think of him. But I think he was the first person to show me that it was like, okay, to be different and to be goofy and to be silly. And I really do attribute so much of who I am to him. And I am also not allowed in Canada.

So we will never meet. We'll meet in a terminal somewhere. What's that one movie with Tom Hanks where he lived in a terminal? He couldn't go. Yeah, I think that's what it was called Terminal. Oh, yeah. My grandfather, before he passed. the way he used to call me the man without a country.

Because we knew I was getting deported once I got at a G.S. So he's like, hopefully that they'll accept you in Canada. I'm like, well, yeah, I got to live somewhere. I have to live somewhere. So somebody's got to take a chance, right? So that's crazy. Yeah. And I'm proud of you for being able to hold the story back.

Because I have a problem with like oversharing. If somebody asked me a question, I don't know how to not tell my whole obnoxious. story. So I'm proud of you because I'd tell them every time I was deported after I got out of the gang unit. Like I wouldn't be able to not do it. My wife will just be looking at like we're at soccer practice for the kids. My wife's just looking at me like don't. Don't get started. Don't know. She's like don't get started on that. Do not do it. That's incredible. What would you say if someone was listened to this show and they're struggling to get or stay sober? There's so much I want to say.

So I have 10 years drug and alcohol free. In November, it'll be 11 years. And I look back to the time, like my kids will be giggling in the other room and just being ridiculous. And I'll think like about the time I tried to end my life in jail. And I'm like, I can't believe that if I had been successful, I would have missed all of this. Like if it was up to me, I wouldn't be here.

And none of this joy and happiness that's occurring one room over would exist. And it's because I had no way of knowing back then just how beautiful life was going to get for me. I could have sat in that jail cell all day long and tried to picture what my future would look like. It never would have come close to how incredible it is. It's impossible to see it. And so if somebody is struggling, you have to know that the blessings that are waiting for you down the road are so magnificent and they're so real. You just can't see them yet. But I promise that they're there and you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other in order to get to them. And it will be so worth it because you're worth it. And there's so much help out there. And there's so many people who get it. And you're not alone. And life is really freaking hard. And I'm, our brains are really weird and asking for help is the best gift that you could ever give yourself and your future self. That's incredible. I love that. Yeah, the asking for help part. That was the

hardest hurdle for me to get over in the beginning was just that coming to the realization that my way just got me here and probably not going to get me out of here. I have to get help from other people who understand who have been there. Yep. And, you know, shine the light down the dark tunnel for me. Absolutely. I tell people all the time, It's like if your car breaks down, you can try to fix it. And it might run for a little while, but eventually it's going to break down again. You got to take it to a mechanic who knows what they're doing, who specializes in that, who's done it before.

And it's the same thing with our brains. We could try to fix our brains ourselves. And we might make it a little bit down the road. But eventually it's going to break down when you could take it to someone who gets it. And that's what recovery did for me and rehab did for me. And my friends who are also in recovery did for me every day. they helped me fix my brain. I can't make it through a day

without texting my friend and being like, I am feeling these feelings in regards to this situation. Do you agree or disagree? Like, is this normal or am I being dramatic? And just to have somebody

to bounce it off of who is also in recovery, who knows the way we think it's so wonderful to have friends in recovery. It really is. Yeah, no, it's so true. To have support,

people who understand. And yeah, to bounce ideas and bounce how you're feeling off of people. For me, I find it even if it's just for someone to listen who gets it, right? Sometimes it's, you know, other people I think they want to help. They want to be helpful. People who haven't been through it. They'll listen and they do an incredible job sometimes. I kind of know that they don't know.

Right. So it's nice to tell somebody that I'm like, you know. And I'm not really looking for response. I'm just looking to be like, I've been there too. I hear you. And I'm like, wow. Like, yeah, I spent, you know, 22 years of my life just trying to, to be heard, just to be seen and just to be able to connect with people that can relate on that

level is just so powerful. Yeah. And that's what I love about my friends in recovery and the people in recovery in the program that I personally went through. You can walk into a room and you don't have to say anything about who you are or what you've been through and everybody just knows because they've been there too. And I think we come out the other side better than we would have had we not gone through what we went through because once you go through all of this, you're forced to like look inward at yourself and better yourself and try to change yourself. And I just feel really blessed to have that opportunity to be able to work on myself continually and reach out for help when I need it still.

Yeah, that's all beautiful. I just want to say thank you honestly. Even like you shared from your sharing on the internet type stuff and what you've done is incredible. And I just know from afar here that you've made a huge impact on. I would feel safe saying millions of people. people's lives that you've made a difference for and just to come on our little show here. Thank you so much. That means a lot to me. I really appreciate it. And you're changing lives every single day too. So thank you for what you do. I really think it's incredible.

Thank you. The people of this show, they're incredible. Like they are just some of the most incredible people. How could they support you if they really connect with your story and they want to follow you or support what you're working on and stuff like that? It's so sweet. I don't know what I'm working on. But I, I knew that was coming. I knew that was coming. You could just look me up. It's juggling the Jenkins and follow me.

That would be so cool. And I appreciate it. Yeah. Awesome. Well, thank you again. And I can't wait to get this out. Yes. Thank you so much.

I appreciate it. It was great meeting you. Wow. That was incredible. Incredible episode. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Be sure if you enjoyed this to check out Tiffany Jenkins. If you don't already know.

who she is. She's a powerhouse. She's incredible. She's helping so many people through her story, through her comedy, through her book, through everything that she is doing. And I'm extremely grateful

that she was willing to come on our little show and share her story. And if this is the first time you're listening to the podcast, be sure to check out the back catalog. There's over 60 stories of people who found a way out.

And a lot of them share how they did it. So be sure to check that out. And I hope to see you guys on the next one.