Soder - 102: Skynet is Here with Geoffrey Asmus | Soder Podcast | EP 100

Episode Date: October 7, 2025

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It's the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour. Come on out to a show. October 16th, the Bijou Theater in Knoxville, Tennessee. I'm very excited about that show. October 10th at the center stage theater in Atlanta, Georgia. I'm excited to bring the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour to the sweet, sweet city of Atlanta. October 11th, Louisville, Kentucky, the Kentucky Center for Arts.

Dan Soder.com for tickets. Go to Dan Soder slash tour for all dates, all tickets. buy the tickets through my website. Don't go to Google. Please don't go to Google. This is how secondhand resellers get you. Just go to Dancerter.com. And right there on that ticket link, we'll send you there,

and we're going to see you. These shows are going to be fun as hell. I'm bringing a lot of fun people. Sagalow is going to be on a lot. I'm bringing Matt Ross, a couple surprise openers that are fun that I'm very excited to bring along. Dancer.com slash tour, Golden Retriever and Comedy Tour. The AI thing is, have you seen the ads?

Oh, the AI actress that they're saying. That's what I was just reading about. Yeah, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, I can't even. Actors have to be, you thought comics were mad about AI, about, like, chat, TBT writing jokes? Yeah. Imagine when they just go, well, you don't need you to be on set. It's going to happen. Yeah, the sag after is, like, fighting them.

They're like, no, no, no. And then the guy, I think the funniest part of the article I read about the AI actress was the guy that created her, was calling her art or whatever. You know, he's like. Oh, they all. Timbaland signing AI music. Yeah. Timbalin's signing a bunch of AI artists. And he went, he went, it's art, it's art.

And then after he went, you know, I'm an actor. The guy that made. He's using it to get his career going. The most actor move in the world is to betray humans. I'm the guy who made humans obsolete. Yeah, but I can act. Do you want me to give a little soliloquy? And you're like, me and her are a great two-man team.

Yeah. She comes with me, like he's the guy they're going to first cut out where he was like, no but I did this so I could be I mean the AI shit it I don't I don't use it I hate it yeah it makes me sad yeah it really um the rolling now are we yeah we're rolling oh we're rolling oh we're rolling okay okay this will be used against us when the robots right I know I don't I don't know speak ill of them now like they can come for us me and you will be in a work camp I mean Peter Thiel you're listening I know so well I bet you're real wet and slick the guy who you know he named that the company Palatier after

the evil things in Lord of the Ring. That's what made the I have Soron. A man who read... No, they were the seeing stone that Soron could see through it. The guy who read Lord of Rings is like rooting for Mordor. That's hilarious. That's the people who control our world.

He's like, I identify with Soron. He goes, I think a guy... He talks like Vincent Donofrio and Men in Black where he's like, do you got any more, sugar? Like, he's like a bug. A man on the edge. If they cut him open and a big bug came out,

like a giant bug, I would be like like... He's a reptilian. Yeah. Yeah, he's a reptilian. There's, there's just one clip I'm talking about, and you could find it. Oh, the one where he says, like, I don't know if humans need to exist. Yeah, yeah. That's like the easiest one where he goes, do you think humans should exist?

He's like, oh, that's a tough one. I feel like. He's like trying to go against his master's orders. Oh, I can't. You almost expect him to be talking to someone else being like, they ask these questions, master. What do I do? And then they're like, oh, give him the rights to everything. He's creating, like, oh, they're doing, the AI's taking over everything.

All Palantir is, is Skynet. Yes. If you think about it in terms of Skynet, there's zero chance you can root for this guy. But people do. Unless you cheered for the machine in Terminator. Right. But it just proves that art has no power. Yeah.

We predicted all of this and everyone's like, well, let's let it happen. Let's ride it out. Let's see what happens. I'm going to go my way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, Skynet won't happen. No, no, it was a good movie. It was a good movie. Yeah, I don't know.

Is Arnold here? Yeah. Are they going to make another Arnold? It's crazy. I've heard comics using Chad GPT. I've heard, I'm not going to name. I've heard people use it. Then I think they should be ashamed of themselves.

I think they should too. I think I might have privately tried to shame some people. Really? And they stood by it. They're like, no, robots have a place in creativity. I don't, they always do.

It's the convenience argument is what's going to ruin humanity in debt. Yes, yes. It's just convenience. It makes it easy. It's like if we found out the dinosaurs died because of convenience that there was no meteor. Tinosaurus just had too many data centers. The T-Rex horded too much meat, and then everyone else, if we found out that it was convenient.

They forgot how to hunt because they were having robots do it for them or whatever. They grow fat. I mean, Wally's, it's just Wally. Wally might be the movie that predicted it correctly. Wally got it right. Wally, we all want it to be Terminator because we all want it to be Matrix or Terminator because the humans are hot. Right.

And there's like a war and we at least fight back at least. They're greased up on their jacked arms and they're like, like shooting shit and that and we're we win battles in that yeah in cool ways but in but in reality where it's just fat guys sitting on a couch watching the 19th Hulk remake they're just like we need to redo it again man do it again if you open the door and sent four Boston dynamic dogs in here with guns oh god those dogs I'm fucked yeah those dogs are coming in like shriep sheep sheep sheep and I'm just like I'm not gonna do anything that's you think Myrtle's gonna do anything why do you think we had to lock her up because she gives too many kisses she's not over here biting raise you brought up

four dogs because i almost got mauled by four dogs this summer really i like almost died where four dobermans attacked me this summer where you go on hikes and shit yeah it was in rural wisconsin yeah my my girlfriend's family got an Airbnb at like kind of a cabin near beautiful mouston wisconsin and i went on a run we see you mousston mausston great town five bars one school yeah hey that's that's a feeder system That's a feeder system, exactly. You get done with the school, you go right to the bar. Right to the bar.

I kind of like what they do. It works. Honestly, it's, it is renewable energy. It is. And then they have kids and then they got to go to school because they blacked out and they fucked with that. They all drink like they served in Vietnam every age. A 17 year old's drinking to forget already.

And with it's crazy. What's fun about Wisconsin is, uh, because you're from Minnesota and that whole area, the Midwest is that candy-coated shell of you guys being nice. Oh, that's not really. So quickly with alcohol. Oh, my God. Or a skin color. Yeah.

Yeah. But you become, you guys become, you go from like, oh, hey, to being like, I think you should leave. We need to get the Somalis out of here. Why are they running all the stores? And you go, I don't know. I think Alan Omar married her brother. Yeah.

Well, you didn't want to do it. And they're like, no, well, no. I want convenience. They're the convenience epidemic. Oh, wait. I was, I wanted to finish. the story about the malling. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, the four dogs. I was running, I went on a run on like a rural country highway, county highway, and I was running by some mobile homes and like four

Dobermans come out. They start barking and I'm like, whatever. Then they start running at me and I'm like, whatever. Certainly a guy will pop out and like whistle or something. Then they hit the highway. They're like 10 feet away and I'm like, oh no, I'm like an enemy and they're trying to eliminate me. And those are dogs that eliminate enemies. Those are, and I, one, maybe I could tango four. I'm No, I can't fight for. Well, the thing would be the second you turned around to deal with the first one. Another one gets me by the neck and it's over. They hunt in packs.

And they're biologically, they know what to do. They knew exactly what to. They didn't have to sit around and draw it up in the dirt where they go, all right, we get them on the highway. They saw a weak little soy boy. They knew I was at the end of my five mile run. I don't even think you're telling the full story. I think you yelled something liberal at them. Come get it, bitch.

No, you went like, I think people under 18 should be allowed trans surgery. and they're like, they ran and you go. You're going to want to get my pronouns right before you eat me. And tell you eat him. Yeah. And or you could have been like, is was or was were. Those are my new pronouns.

Which at what moment, was it the highway where you started? When they got on the road, I was on the opposite side of the highway, I was like, oh, this, there, no one's coming out. No one was there. No one was going to stop them. And then I just bolted.

I sprinted for like a half a mile until they finally turned. They were within a foot away from getting me. If I would have slipped, I probably would have died. It was crazy. You were some of that, Scouts? Yeah. You guys need a kick returner?

Yeah. Come on. Hey, Vikings. Yeah, come on. We got a JJ. I could take over. Or just you on punt returns? Yeah.

Has that they just put a dog. They just put pipe in dog noises behind me. That's Jeffrey, the Delberman Asmas. I don't know if you ever seen this. It gets daylight. He thinks four dogs are chasing them. That guy's going to break into the house. I would break every single, when I got back.

Yeah. I mean, eventually they turned around. They kind of, they, they just gave up after about half a mile. Good job. If I don't know if you'll ever publicly. If I hadn't been in good, decent shape, I would have died. I would have been crazy. A lot of comics would have been dead.

And it would have been good. It would have been a good moment. Are you saying that? We could have fid the herd a little bit. Are you saying that's the new new faces? Is the Dobermans? You can outrun four Dobermans. You deserve to go to Montreal.

Hey, congratulations. They're in a van. Like, hey, congratulations on that clip hitting two million. And they go, great. Where are we going? He goes, just real quick. This is from the, We're going to Mousden.

Yeah. Mousden. What? Now, run. Run. Tim Dillan didn't make it. Actually, he talked the Dobermans. He actually wouldn't talk them down.

He'd talk to the Hamptons. I'll take you to the Hamptons. Oh, and you've never had Foguah. Stop looking at me like you've never had. Sit. Sit. You sit. You're eating cold pheasant.

You're eating cold pheasant every fall. I bet you're getting kibble. Okay. Now we're talking different. He's like, how about I get you duck? You're going to come with me. Tim walks and they're all walking in a line. Tim, like the reservoir dogs down the hallway.

You're going to fuck some of the hottest corgis you've ever seen. I'm going to be feeding you. Did you ever want to meet J.D. Vance? The dog's like, are you? You want to win 7-8-1 of the Queens corgis? I got you. I'll get you a royal corgi. I would actually watch that adventure movie.

Tim Dillon and a Doberman going to England. Trying to fuck. They impregnate the royals. Yeah, that'd be great. Were they cloned? Who cloned their dogs? Streisand? Did they clone?

I don't know about. I don't know about that. I think Barbara Streisand cloned her dogs. Are they able to clone things? I don't really. I don't know about that. You know what? Another thing, why?

Why? Just buy a fucking dog. Make a relationship. There's so many orphan dogs. Get one of them. Make a relationship with a new dog. Yeah. Why does it?

You know what I think about that? It's like when you think. Oh, she cloned her dead dog because she wasn't over it. Yeah. Oh. Which is like that's. Just let life happen. Come on.

Let life happen. It was. What kind of dog did she? reincarnate that's one of those people i don't know why she's famous yeah i actually don't know what she did that was so she's talented she could sing her ass off but like i don't know any of the music i never heard it if you watch it jay was raised by a jewish single mom so he would show me barbara strisean and that was my first thing and she does have a voice like butter okay oh they just oh it's just like one of those just a russian nesting doll of little yeah it's just like a little by the way those

dogs no offense babs that's not a one-of-a-kind dog This is a dime of dozen. That's a dog I see everywhere. I can go find these in a five-block radius in New York City. Give me 30 minutes. I'll be back with six. Yeah, there's so many in Soho and Chelsea. Come on.

Squeaky dog. Yeah, that ain't it. Influencers are cloning their dogs. Why? It's not the same. We should let them do it. And then when they get the dog, they should be shot. Yeah.

You could be like, you thought this was a good idea. You're out of the jeep pool. Christine Nome shows up and kills the dog. There we go. Put Nome to work. There we go. I like that. That's in the title of her contract that she didn't see.

I want to shoot a dog. You have to shoot a dog every month. I just wanted to connect brown people. I don't want to shoot dogs. I did that so long ago. I don't got my dog killing energy anymore. I think cloning a dog, it should have like pet cemetery rules where like the next one's evil.

They come back. Yes. You never know what you're going to get. Because they're not sleep. You disrupted their soul. You should let their soul pass. Yes. You fucked with.

God's plan. It's not the process. Now it will viciously attack you every time you try to rest or sleep. Or it'll try to bite your cock off while you're sleeping. You're like, why God? It's like, Hey.

It thinks there's always peanut butter on your penis. That's it weird thing. It comes back. It always sees it peanut butter everywhere. But even if the first time they brought the cloned dog home, I would be like, we buried you. Yeah. Move on.

I mean, I had a dog. I loved her. We're moving on. Yeah. I'm not going to get another beagle. I was very sad. all the dogs I had grown up died.

When Izzy died, I was eight. I was shook. That's like a five-year-old's dream. Let's clone it. Yeah. That's not what adults think. Your parents aren't going to get back together. Your parents are dead.

You didn't clone your parents, but you cloned your dog? Robert Rice-Sand's parents are dead. She thought, but we're going to clone the Cocker Spaniel first. I'm wondering if I would. I wouldn't want to see my dad back. Oh, no, no, no. When my parents are gone, they're gone. They're gone.

We had a good run. It's a part of life. Let it go. This is why shows don't end. Right. We got the paper coming. Why are we doing an office remake? Come on.

It was a great show. It was, you guys had it. It's like when they bring stuff back. It's like when they brought Roseanne back. It was like, oh God. I'm not talking about her tweets.

Who gives a shit? I'm talking about the show in general. It was over. Specifically, they own this once when St. Germain and I sold the cartoon to Peacock that was someone else's IP. It was like owned by the WWU.

It was Stone Cold. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember that. So we didn't own the intellectual. property. That's a nightmare. People control that shit. Because they can change whatever you do. But they go, why own it? You can't and give me money. Oh, God. You want to use it. Give me money and no. I don't like the thing you're making. So they can just control every aspect of it. It's just for the merchandising. That's why they do IP and stuff. Yeah. It's gross. Another Superman. Do we really need

another Superman? Yeah. I don't know. They're doing another Batman. The resetting stuff. They got a new Simpsons movie. And I'm the biggest Simpsons fan on Earth. We don't need it. You know what it is? Simpsons feels like going to a family member's house where you don't know their dog's still alive. Yes. And you go, oh, no. Oh, look at his white.

Buster's still going. His white milky eye. Or it's like your grandma who still plays an organ at church. She's 95. She's fucking up on eagle's wings. Everyone's like, come on. You don't even get hallelujah right anymore, grandma. Come on.

You have to point for you to start. Yeah. You're not even listening anymore. You've got to know when to quit. But they don't. with IP they like just like simpsons stop because i mean the simsons is my my golden that's what i love to 11 for me i'd go to 15 i think they were good till 15 maybe i think the fumes every once in a while they have a good episode i'll watch it every once in a while they'll have like

two great jokes at episode but they went too they went too modern with the animation yeah that's it's too smooth slick slick and smooth it's supposed to look like a child drew it that's the point that's why south park still hits south park never really improved yeah yeah even when they got good, I remember when it was, it's when they got really good at showing violence. When the heads would blow off

and the brains would come out or they'd show fights and it would like see the cheek, they still kept their crude animation. It's so crude. For most of the part. It's awesome. And they've been on fire this season.

I haven't seen it, but everyone's been raving about it. Is it good? Is it good? Oh my God. I never, I didn't want to believe the hype. They do a Broflovsky Israel episode?

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When Stavros was on the podcast, he called me a South Park Libertarian and I've never agreed with something more. That's not a bad, that's not a bad political party. I do think that's how I politically affiliate. And they're not, because they're not regular libertarian. They're different. Libertarians are like, well, they're Republicans.

Libertarians are Republicans. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But what I like is that Trey and Matt, they really do like see the bullshit of both Republicans and Democrats. They see like. That's what you want. Yeah. If you want a party that goes, these two suck.

Can we get more? Can we get a new one? Can we get six? Like Canada has. Sweden. UK is a bunch of parties. Pretty much every first world country. Every first world country.

Get like seven guys. And then they have to run on podcast. policy because they can't like out to the ad homonym like blue is bad red is bad yeah it's just too like yeah yeah yeah yeah like context right you need context for people to go I don't know man I think that's kind of crazy but it is it's convenience that's why this the political system is what it is straight up because of convenience people are just like I voted red my whole life I ain't going to stop now. Red blue.

Red blue. Red blue. It's crazy. And like George Washington, he said don't have parties. That was like his big thing. When he died, he's like,

don't do political parties. And then we did it immediately. And they were like, don't make the president too big of a deal. Right. And should just be a guy that serves. The whole point of America is that the president had almost no power.

And they were like, we want you to be king. He's like, we just fought that. And then they're like, not and out. He's like, I'll be president,

but don't take it too seriously. And then 250 years later. And now we're like, what about a kid? king, though. What about it king? Have we thought about it king? I think we're back. Be up a gold in the White House. That was one of the funniest things where I am one of those moments that something's funny that when you try to get someone who is into Trump to laugh about it, when they don't laugh about that, it's kind of a bummer. It's the same way when liberals wouldn't

laugh about how old Biden is. Yeah. We go, come on. When he was like, when he's lingering on, he's clearly had dementia. That was sad. That like, that debate when I couldn't get some of my friends that are very liberal to be like, he just didn't, he didn't nap long enough beforehand. Oh, he had a bad tea. He had bad tea.

They're like making excuses the way that like, fans of sports. When like that guy has a bad outing where they go, it's not the drug use. He's fine. It's not being 83 and overworked

and being politics for 50 straight years. No, no, no. And pandering to the fucking worst. The lighting was bad. It was overhead lighting. He can't deal with overhead lining. It's his weakness. And that's what I feel like

when Trump does something and you want your friends on the right to go, okay, that's hilariously, crazy, was when he was like, I don't know, maybe we joined the UK. And you're like, come on, guys. I can't even keep up with everything.

That was in the very beginning of this term. Jesus. When he was tossing around Canada is the 51st day. Oh, he's like, maybe we join the UK, maybe because they were going to do the tariffs. And you're like, as someone that pays surface level attention to politics, that was just funny. As a comic, you're like, that's funny. And then you say, I think the problem.

You would hope that everyone finds it funny. Some people are like, it's actually a pretty good idea. Yeah. Or actually help the occurrence. What sucks about the internet is you can find someone to agree with you on anything. And that's not how society works. You used to be like, you used to be like a little loser in fucking Albany and you're the one white supremacist in town. And now you've got your little network on there.

That's what I mean. Hook up with all these guys who also think the moon is flat or whatever. And then you're just, you should have to be alone. I think or make a point. Or go into a bar and be like, I don't know, I kind of think this way. and someone could go, I see where you're coming. And then someone massages your point. You should have to go into a crowded bar

and convince people to agree with you. If you can't do that in like Moused in Wisconsin, you don't believe in it really. Not these 20 to one gang bang arguments. Oh, those Jubilee videos? Yeah, it's just gangbanks. I don't get that. It's gang bang.

It's a gang bang. Everything is porn culture, but it's not allowed to be porn. It's just, it's all porn without the fucking. Yes. That's all it is. I was trying to do this as a bit. But it really wasn't working because I don't think people were understanding what I was saying.

But it works. I don't know if Jubilee is as popular for a stand-up bit, but I think on here, yeah, people get it. Like, if you understand it. But I was saying it is a climax. It's gooning. It's gooning. It's gooning at its highest form. You just go like, oh, yeah. You're going to fucking argue with her.

Oh, yeah. You hate white people too. Oh, fucking say it. Say what I want to say. Say the statistics. And then fucking say that I'll say other statistics that go against yours. Oh. And we'll accomplish nothing.

Fuck, yeah. Rub your statistics. It's up against my statistics. Oh, fuck, I need it. And we'll make a lot from monetization. We'll make thousands of dollars. It's the same with the helping videos. Oh, like, telling you how to do something on Adobe Premiere or something they're teaching you.

No, no, no. It's like the glasses that film. Oh, I haven't seen that. And they, oh, it'll cross your algorithm. Now that I've said it in the microphones, it'll cross your office. Wait, there's glasses that film. I'm really anti-tech. I don't know the new.

So they walk up on someone, and it's usually someone down and out, like a homeless person. And they'll be like, hey, do you have a dollar? And they always score it with sad music. Like, yeah. They ask the homeless guy if he has a dollar. And he'll be like, yeah, man, I got a dollar. He's like, sorry. Or they'll walk up with something like my car broke down.

I really need a dollar. I'm missing a dollar and then I can, you know what I mean? Uh-huh. And they go, well, hell, brother, I got a dollar. And they're like, what are you doing? And he's like, I lost my leg to dad. Beaties. I'm trying to get my lights not turned off. And the guy will go, thank you for that dollar. Here's $100,000. And I'm going to go pay your light bill. And he's like,

what are you and me? Dude, these are real things. Do they actually give them $100,000? They'll give them a fucking bag of money. And then they like, there's one I saw where the guy gives the guy a truck. He's like, well, I walk to work. And he's like, I don't think you walk to work anymore. I think you take a truck. And you're like, this is kindness porn. Yes. This is a hundred percent. They're monetizing it. To get more money to do it, I guess. This pizza delivery guy is not fucking this housewife. These are two porn actors on a set with lighting and a director. This guy probably didn't serve in Vietnam.

This guy probably didn't think. He's probably a guy where he gets up and he's like, no, do you think the next time? He's a failed actor. He had one episode of Growing Pains in the 80s. And he's just been looking for work. She was a bitch. I played the shopkeep in an episode. And he goes, I could have fucked her.

I'm pretty sure Billy Ray wanted to fuck me But they and then they go and they do these like So it's like Mr. Beast ask okay Because he does it more like built up I get told I look like him all the time on life I get told all the Mr. Beast does comedy all the time You look like his brother that that doesn't speak to him Yeah and he and Beast don't speak anymore

I'm my name's Jeffrey Beast I no longer talk to my brother What's his name? I don't even know what his name is, actually. I have no idea his name is. My name is Jeffrey Beast. I'm the beast's brother. We had a falling out after he tried to fix

100 cleft lips in an hour. I said that was too far. I said, no. Let them be marked. No one will watch that. Mark them by God. If God makes them blind. Yes, it's beauty. You should have fixed God's blemishes.

God never makes a mistake. What can I say? I don't talk to my brother because he locked me in a house for 100 days. Didn't he just do that lock a guy in a burning house or something? You had to pull the money out? Oh, he had to pull the money out. Dude, when you watch the video, he's going in and pulling money out,

and you go, late stage capitalism might be. We'll do anything for money. The most entertaining thing. It is. The fall is entertaining, no doubt. I understand that with our fall of society, when we're dead, Pat and Oswald used to have a great joke about dying at the end of the world is cool. Because when you go to heaven, you get to brag to everyone else.

I was there. I was there. Fire. We're shooting outside. It's great. I'm pretty sure that's an old patent bit. That's great. But it does make me think of like,

it is our collapse of our society of like seeing Romans and being like. You always like what would I've done as Rome was burning? You would have been in the vomitorium. Turns out I was doing the Omaha Funny Bone. That's what I would have been doing. You would have been doing like the Venetian like speaking circle. Oh yeah, yeah, right. I'd be the guy, the comedian at the orgy.

Yeah, Sean Murphy and I went and saw. We were at the Pittsburgh Improv, where you and I, so we walked across that movie theater at the Pittsburgh Improv and we watched Gladiator 2. Oh, wow. Was it any good? No. It was horrible.

No way. But there's this scene where they're like Denzel and everybody who's like with all the people that bet on the fighters. Oh, they were into draft kings back then. Yeah. It's Caesar's Palace. Yeah. Oh, guys.

God, that was a better riff. No, no, no. We're here to punch out. Cut it. Switch it in. So we go, there's a part in the movie where they're all talking, and then there's these like, I might have brought this part up before on a previous episode. I did, but there's like, I just want to tell Jeff it.

So I'm sorry, listeners, if you remember this, but Jeff needs to hear this. Come on, let me know. I need to learn. But there's a scene where there's these like two gay guys covered in glitter and they're playing like. The woke mob got to Gladiator too also. But they're playing harps and they're like, I'm the king and the sparrow or whatever. And Sean and I were both like, that's,

comedians in Rome. That is. That's what they did. We were minstrels. Yeah. We all had to know how to play the ukulele or the mandolin. And just be like,

and the story of the king. And King Charles, your enemy is a big queer man. And he sucks. I heard he doesn't like pussy. I heard your cock is big, my king. And I'd love to see it one day.

We're close to getting back there. Oh, I mean they're doing UFC at the White House. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. Late stage capitalism is great. It's all the same. But here's the deal. You guys can be like, oh, my God, there will be a hype video that will make you feel something.

For the fight, for the fight. When they get the octagon set in the ring, I'm telling you right now, they're going to make a hype video. And they have Pelosi fight McConnell that I'm in. That's what they got to do. If you want to fucking get me to buy the ticket. You're going to turn us into like this bizarre, like, capitalist hellfest. I don't care about the actual UFC fighters. Get AOC against Pete Heggzeth or something.

I love it. I mean, Hakes is rude. It would ruin her. That would be a terrible fight. But I wouldn't mind seeing Marjorie Taylor Green versus AOC. That's a better fight. Or I'm thinking, I mean, I mean, Imon versus Bobert. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, Elon against Boebert, there we go. We can make this match card all day. This could be good. I'm thinking. Gavin Newsome against, he could go, I don't know, he's not that strong. I think maybe Newsome, unless he was secretly doing BJJ. I think he's fairly weak. I hate to say it.

I don't think he's a really strong guy. I think you know who would surprise this is Buttigieg. Buttigieg, I think, could have a little. Fetterman, too. He wouldn't remember. No, he's got CTE. But that's fine. He'll just fight.

I don't know if you've ever seen him. He walks around like. Oh, he's not there anymore. Yeah, he's drooling everywhere. It would be a human. I think he could get the fight instinct. You just put a black person in front of him. He'll try to attack him.

I think he's like Hodor. I think he's only got one more thing left in him. I think, but I would love to see a Pelosi. Who's an old lady on the other side? Yeah. I don't know. I don't even go in party fighting. Pelosi Feinstein.

Oh, that would be great. No, Feinstein died. Well, Pelosi wins. There we go. She died like a year ago. Yeah, yeah, she did. That's how you know people. She was old as shit.

Here's a point. She was embarrassing. She was like, she's not going to make the vote tonight. Like, San Francisco, she's representing you. Yeah. One of the most liberal cities and they got a, the cryptkeeper.

The oldest lady of all time. She's like, I've got a dangerous idea. We let the homeless loose. We kicked the Irish out. I'll tell you who I don't like. Get those whops out of here. These Protestants are bothering me. Do you, I think the problem is,

Gen X didn't step up. Gen X is a forgotten generation. They coasted. They coasted off of a pretty good ride. The hippies did a good job getting some rights in the 60s. They should be in power right now. It should be all gen X.

What is Gen X like 40 to 60 maybe? It's something to, I think, 81. Oh, so it's a born in the 8, oh, 68 to 81. 61 to 68 to 80. Okay, so they'd be about 65 to 8. Okay, so they'd be about 60 years old. I mean, this is a point. Yeah, we haven't had it before because I believe it.

Yeah, well, who's a big politician in the 45 to 60 range? Ted Cruz? Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I'd like to see him fight. Oh, who do he match up again? Nat Newsom? I don't go Newsom. Yeah, I think he could win.

Honestly, did you ever see that one where Cruz played basketball and fucking balled out? God, can he? Yeah, I think he's athletic. that. What about Beto? Maybe Beto could get in there. Hit him with a skateboard. Beto.

I think he's got a little punk rock energy, though. Maybe. He's a loser. He's a loser. He's a loser. He can't win. You're going to get him there. He's not going to win.

That is true. They should do the UFC card with all politicians. We would all enjoy that. I don't think there would be an American. You want to pass the budget? Win in the fight. Who wins the card? It's like rider cup for like that way.

It's like match play. It's like you got to. Dude. You want to get your bridge built in Michigan? Win a fight. Go. Local fights. Fucking fight.

Pork barrel shit. Can you suffocate the rival state senator? Fuck your filibuster. I don't care if you could talk for 36 hours. Cut off their windpipe. Oh my God. The idea of MTG going, release the upsy files when someone's in a choke.

That would be awesome. On Matt Gates or something. And he goes, I know she's just someone's Crossman. And she's like, come I can release the files. Redact them all. And unredacted them.

And he's like, no, that we watch that. If you're going to take politics and turn into sports. Go all the way. Oh, guys, Factor Meals here for the fall. I know it's tough to cook, especially if you're working full time and you feel burnt out.

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with factor. Offer only valid for new factor customers with code in qualifying auto renews subscription purchase first year this is the first year gen x out numbers make our move in the senate or whatever and oh the house represent okay the tide is turning not bad you guys talked a lot of shit the 90s yeah they made great music but they kind of dropped the ball on social values i don't know man the music is that that might have been it oh baby boomers the senate too which is the important one no offense yeah house of representatives just kind of you know what's funny is you watch people in the House of Representatives blow up their shit to get a Senate seat where they don't like be there and they'll go they have to throw the other guy in from Kansas under the bus they're like oh I saw

talk to a gay guy once you're not going to want him as your senator. There you go that for a Senate? Yeah. Anything. Or like Democrats will be like he used the N-word once. I'm stepping forward. Not me. I've never used it.

Never even in a rap song. Yeah, dude. But I think maybe we get AI politicians. You know, if we're not. If we're not going to get good human ones, I guess, keep Zoron and then AI only otherwise. Or what if Zoron is a robot? Is anyone work that? If that's the robot future, I'm in, I'm all in on Zoron.

Here's what sucks about, because the right drives home points better than the left. They're way better at propaganda. They're way better at it. Well, the left comes up with something. And then they go, I don't know if I could do that. And then the right goes, I'm going to take that. The left has like 1% of integrity. They're like, ah, maybe not in the right side.

We'll do it. Just enough to lose. Just enough to lose. Just enough to lose everything. They're like 2% integrity. That's it. The right, how are they not calling

Mamdani AI already? They, I mean, they're still going through the race stuff. Okay. They're not going to get to a robot for a while. They got religion, race, immigrants.

They're not. He's brown and his religion. I don't. I don't. What did Eric Adams call him, Mum Scrony? That's great. That was not bad.

Trump says there are two N words and you can't use either of them. He said nuclear, nuclear. nuclear that's what he said the other one in nuclear and the other and i say it why can't you say nuclear because he was talking this is when he was addressing the generals oh oh you can't use nuclear weapons okay okay yeah i don't know man it's at this point right now where i'm like was there oh is that the big meeting today with the generals i didn't read about that god you can't keep up

you can't keep up with it all well it's almost like it's almost pointless this is what happens when you get an influencer brain in the White House where it's just like, I remember not hearing from the president until the state of the union. Right. Every year, like, oh, once a year. What's he going to sound like? Yeah, what's the daughter? And now you're like every day. Well, he's campaigning every day.

He never stops. But it's been that way since social media. Probably, yeah. Obama, people want to, they lovingly go like Obama's the first social media president. Yeah. And you go, well, change. He was the guy giving us his iPod playlists. He's like, I put a little wearing on this year. Okay. Oh, maybe you'd DM me.

Maybe you'll forgive me for bombing a Pakistani wedding. I like, I listen to let the beat bill off the Carter 3. I was listening to cash money as I was droning Yemen. Because you're going to need some cash money to drone Yemen. He goes, those, because those planes, those little tiny planes? They ain't free. They ain't cheap. Cash money is an army.

It's a navy. Now it's got drones. Obama just been like, drone them. Drown them. The thing that I, the like, they're like, Everyone getting super into politics now feels like when everybody got into something that we shouldn't get into, where you're like, it was like kale, where it was like, kale was like, cool when it was only for hippie people that were like in it. And then it got like shoved down our throat. Like now all politics, all comedians try to get into politics as like, maybe you just talk about dating. I don't know. Maybe you're not the politics guy. It's fun to joke around with you about it and talk about like. I mean, I talk about politics on stage. I like to think I'm decently intelligent. I hate to. Well, I will say. Go watch his new special, a perfect hour of stand-up on YouTube. Please watch for a new hour.

The Wonderful Sacramento Punchline. Best Comedy Club. It might be the best comedy club. I don't know why. I don't know why. It's close enough to San Francisco to be liberal, and it's rural enough to have red. I think it's got a little bit of, it's got purple sores. Yeah.

It's got like meth sores all over it. And they come in, they have to walk past a mattress store, and they realize you. Yeah, it's not in a great location, but the room's beautiful. Rooms beautiful. I think I've done three or four shows there. They're probably three of the, the five best shows that I've ever done. It makes no sense.

The staff is unbelievable. The staff is so nice. The, yeah, my special on YouTube, it's just one unedited set from Sacramento punchline. But it's great. But the thing that I love about it is

you're one of those guys that can talk about politics, but you always have a punchline. It's never just you suck in your own dick. Yeah, I try not to do it. You know, like with, I think when anyone gets political, especially for someone like me,

I'm like, I'll be riding it and I'll be like, eh, where's the joke. Yeah, then you hit a punchline. There's got to be a joke every 20 seconds. You got to be. I mean, I was, the celebrity culture shit was great.

Oh, thank you. I really enjoy that bit. The joke about, what's J-Lo's secret? It's like she's never had a friend move. She never had to help a friend move. But I think you make a great point. Let's, beauty pageants should be the people that work. It should be the people who like, they're like, what's the guy's name?

Harry Styles, they're like, oh, he ran a marathon recently. I'm not impressed. I don't give a shit. Find me the Walmart greeter who only eats beans who ran a marathon. Like, that would be impressive. Find me the hot lady that works at an Amazon. warehouse. Yeah, see if she has time to train. Oh, you're just out in the lot. What is her secret? Yeah, exactly. How does she look? Yeah, how does she look good? She works. She's like a

lady at the post office who's just beautiful. You're like, what happened to you? Like Lauren Sanchez, Bezos's wife has all the money to get chopped up. Of course. I want to see one of the ladies that works in the Tacoma fulfillment center. Exactly. But she's just hot as hell. Giant D's in a zero waste. And she just has just never knew how to use her body. She never thought about selling out. Or she just came from a dirt poor place, which goes, I just work. I don't know, I got a husband. You're supposed to work. Yeah.

Modeling ain't real work. That's what I mean. It's like, I want to find those people. Exactly. I'm not impressed when celebrities are hot. Yeah. It does, I don't care. You have a team.

You have a nutritionist. But you see like a hot barista. You're like, that's cool. That's sick. You make $10 an hour and you're hot. I go through two emotions. I go through the emotion of like, that is so cool that you're just making fucking Starbucks pay and you're gorgeous.

You still find a way. But I also. You can't buy all the fucking products and then my second thought is what did you fuck up so bad that we're here like it's like when you see a hot girl's instagram and you're like why do you only have 400 followers yeah what did you you're posting thirst traps and they get 20 likes what did who did you fuck over you must have the worst personality of all time what does someone know about you that I don't yeah yeah you must have killed a child in high school you ran over a kid because it's it's amazing to me I saw a guy

working the gate at I think it might have been Minneapolis okay the devil Delta, that you're like, dude, you're a male model. You should not be here. You're like, his bone structure was immaculate. His hair was like the kind of. I think they kind of like being the hottest guy at the airport, though. They're like, I'm the hottest TSA agent. And I'm sure every woman tries to fuck them.

You want to be the big fish little pond. Yeah. It's like people who do comedy in Des Moines and they never move. It's like, I'm the king of Des Moines. Come through and I'll bury you. Yeah, I got 20 minutes on a local mall. Oh, my God. And I got suburb jokes that are going to kill.

Do you bring openers? I have like three. or four guys I bring with now, yeah. But when you were first headlining, did you ever get the guys? Try to bury you? A lot of, I got a lot of local openers who, a lot of people don't understand my comedy. They think I'm just like dark and dirty.

So the opener's like, I'm going to do my darkest, sickest jokes for you. It's like, yeah, but they have to be funny. You can't just go up there and be like, rape, child, like that's, you have to have a joke. That happens all the time. The funniest example of that is big jokes. goes on the road. I'm sure people try to be filthy and funny.

I don't care if you just do 10 minutes on yogurt. Just be funny. I don't need you to do my shit. The line that Big Jay says that I think of this, whenever it's brought up is when they'll do a joke and they'll be like, yeah, and then I'm sucking on his baby nuts. And they get in their laughs and they go,

if you don't like that, wait until you see your headliner. And he's like, I don't fuck it. I got jokes. And then Big Jay goes up there and kills because he has jokes. He's hilarious. He's hilarious. But it's just so funny to that idea. of like if you don't like me you're in for a lot with the headline if you don't like me i'm

eight months into comedy you're not going to like your seasoned vet who gets up here and i get that because you just want to be a part of it but it is really funny the ones that always blew my mind in comedy were the guys that were like actively like i'm going to put you in a bad place oh i'm mad your headlining long island very big on this yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm not other clubs there's been some funny bones all i feel like there's those clubs where the staff will be like oh Pete's the best we got. Pete's the best comic in Bakersfield. And then Pete goes up there

and does like eight minutes on Monica Lewinsky. But then he'll also just the thing that always gets me is it's the in-depth knowledge of local knowledge. You're like, oh, that, you must be from Ankeny.

Yeah. Oh, fuck. Shit. Holy shit. Fat people are from Ankeny. Oh, fuck. They drive like shit. They fuck their sisters.

No one knows how to drive here. Oh, fuck. We're the only state that says that. I did that once. I did that. kind of joke like i do those all the time i think they're funny i always ask what's the town you guys shit on here but i think it's funny sincerely at the sacramento punchline one time oh well you're from there around well my grandma lived near there and i was like what are you guys from clear lake

and then i did it and i felt a part of my soul yeah and i felt a part of my soul i think that shit's so me and my friend i don't know if you know what tommy brannan is he just on s&l yeah well you lost an opener you know i lost one of my opener there we go he's gonna leapfug me and i'll be opening for him probably any year. Dude, it's great. He's awesome. I'm going to tell you right now. It's the Shane plan. It's, oh, right. There we go. It's fantastic. That's not bad. That's not bad. Then what happens is they go get arenas.

And then all you do is 10 minutes for chicken fingers. That's great. The pressure's off. He gets all the pressure. That's not bad. I don't know. He's got to talk to the entire offensive line of the Cincinnati Bengals. I get to fucking play Xbox and smoke weed. That's not a bad deal. It's fucking great. Tommy's off.

Me and Tommy used to have it. Embrace it, brother. It's sick. We used to have a thing. we always joke about doing those local references. We think that's funny. And then Tommy did a show somewhere in, I think Dubuque, Iowa. And he was like, he asked the bartender,

like, what's the town to shit on? And she's like Waterloo, shit on Waterloo. And he kept saying Waterloo, Iowa. Oh, that's really the name. He kept saying the name Waterloo and the crowd was like, ah, he kept being like, this, at least we're not in fucking Waterloo. And the crowd like didn't like it.

Because apparently Waterloo is like the only small town in the Midwest that's like largely black. Oh, that's so cool. So it sounded like he was just being in. insanely racist. It's like a weird black factory town in Iowa, and the bartender was half black, and she was kind of like pranking him, and the crowd just fucking hated him, the whole show. They're like, what?

We're racist, but we're not that racist. Well, hold on now. Hold on now. You leave the racism after the show. I played baseball with one of them fellas. They're nice fellas. He's a good man. They're well-spoken, articulate.

Hard working. Hard working. And I'd like to shake their hands. As long as they stay in Waterloo, it's okay. Because in their mind, In that moment, they were the town going, no racism. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, you Yankee, you stay out of here.

You don't make fun of our black town. Don't make fun of our black. It's just. Then they have crawls like, what the hell? When did he find out? After the show, the bartender was like laughing. Like, I should have told you, man. I should have told you water was the black town.

Oh, my God. It's a strange quirk of Midwest geography. But I remember doing that asking, I had a joke about hookers when I first started in Tucson. aren't you returning to the homeland this weekend i saw that doing two son and Denver that's go big shows i'm very excited did the realto i hope it went really well this came out after oh right it went fucking awesome what a show thank you Tucson thank you Denver um but it was like when i was in Tucson I was like doing this joke about hookers and the miracle mile was like where you would get the hookers okay so you like lean into that of course fresh in a comedy oh my god

yeah you just like I did so many shows so many shows you just like I did so many cheese curd Wisconsin jokes and shit starting in Madison. I went up to Tempe, the Tempe Improfts. And you do the Miracle Mile and they're like I asked, I was like, where do you get your hookers? And the guy was like, what? It probably just looked like I wanted hookers. Oh God, that's so funny. At least you tried to change it.

I did. Because starting in Madison, all these New York comics would come to Madison and they'd like do jokes about riding the subway. It's always amazing. They'd be like, oh, the G train's kind of crazy these days. These are like farmers and welders. Like you've got to change your act. man that's the one thing big city comics don't realize when they don't leave the city they think that everyone lives the life of chicago and new york and it's like that's not it and people in

people that come to new york that go to the stand or new york comedy club or the cellar they know they're visitors yeah so when you go i ride the subway they go hey i rode the subway today i'm kind of here for it but when they're at home in madison they're like we don't have a subway i've never rid of i don't understand he's like you ever ride the train no So, like, I had a joke about not being able to smell and about how it was beneficial for the subway, but I explained why the subway sucks because of the smells. You have to give them a little preamble.

That's it. The idea of the subway isn't implanted in their mind. No, they don't go immediately A, B, to C. They're able to afford cars and homes. Yeah. They don't need to ride a subway. They're not stacked on each other. They're not living in a railroad apartment with their enemy.

Sweat and piss, just dripping down all the buildings. Oh, you guys don't live a terrible life? No, it's quite happy, actually. Oh, no, I love me. I, when I, you said, you know, we're talking about how high up my apartment is. Yeah, I can't believe how, I don't know, I could not live at this floor. But when I get high, I think about all the people I'm sitting on top of it. It fucks me up.

That would fuck be up. Like, there's been moments where I've gotten too hot. Do you feel it move ever if it's windy? Oh, I'm out. I would leave immediately. When we moved in, we've been living here now a couple of years, but we moved in, Katie was like, I don't think I can get high for like the first three months because I'll get high. I expect that.

I took an edible. That's what fucked me up. I ate a couple of edibles and I was sitting here watch a TV and I thought about if there wasn't walls. If you could just fall off. And just wind would be whipping around and I was like, uh, I'd sell the apartment the next day. I spun out. I was like, uh, uh, uh, wait, I'm a third floor below guy. Yeah, you need to be able to land comfortable.

Yeah, I need to get out on the fire hits. I was first floor in Queens for fucking 14 years, however long. You lived 14 years in that same spot in Queens? Wow. 07 to 20. Wow. Yeah. The same exact apartment?

Yeah. Didn't move. Yep. Wow. It is a good area. I lived in all three bedrooms. There we go. I lived in the windowless room first.

Okay. I think every comic needs to live in a windowless room. I had one for like two or three years. I did mine for one and then my buddy moved in and I was like I'm out and then we had another roommate and he's like I'm not living in there and I was like I'll go back. And then I went back for six. Oh, oh, you were there a while. You become a creature of the night.

Yeah. I'm waking up at 3 p.m. Like this is when the day starts. Dude. You can just start the day. whenever you want. Your circadian rhythms are just completely off. If you shut the door,

it's crazy. You wake up and you're like. And I didn't get like the vitamin D light, which I should have. I was just pitch black. I slept for like a year straight. I loved it. It wasn't terrible until the depression got in.

That when you let the inner darkness, when it's all darkness inside and out, you can't live. You know, it's funny. I didn't even fucking put that together till right now. You can't be depressed and in the dark all day. I didn't even fucking put that together. I got real dark in my last like,

year and a half of drinking where it was like it was getting like that's why you stopped yeah well yeah it was like getting to the point where I was like I don't believe on this this is like kind of crazy I should probably and then drinking I was like but I didn't realize I was in the fucking windowless room you were in a windowless room

yeah that might it might not have been the drinking might have been the window of it back I think it was just oh no I just ruined your life yeah Katie comes home half a bottle of whiskey and I go get naked we're going to get slimy Jeffrey told me it was the room He said it was a room. He doesn't have a degree, but neither does RFK.

He means so much sense. I wasn't that sad. I'm crying. I'm still in there. Still in there. But yeah, I moved out. I got sober or I stopped drinking. Yeah.

And then was when I moved into the room with the sunlight. Right. Well, so it was the exact same time? Like, maybe I quit maybe six months to a year before I moved. It's a beautiful metaphor. Yeah, but I was like, oh, you were emerging out of the cave into the light. Blossoming. There you go.

he became a man out of my cocoon but you're right i think every comic you should do you need to live bad you can tell the comics who never lived in a shitty apartment who never lived with five other open micers it's the social confidence not even the stage confidence it's the social confidence so like you haven't been beaten down you just haven't had a moment you haven't slept in your car doing penguins and cedar rapids you haven't done it you never you ever go there i haven't been there but that's a club that i've heard and never It's RIP, sadly. It's gone, yeah. But I remember I slept in my car to do three host sets over a weekend for $75.

Did I remember? Opening for Kevin McAfrey, great guy. Kevin McAfry's a man. He was, this was like seven years ago. Great guy. Kevin McCaffrey, I love Kevin McCaffrey. Maybe it was like 10 years ago, actually. Yeah, it's super funny.

Awesome guy. There was, um, there was a, I remember going like borrowing my roommates, girlfriend's eclipse to drive to Albuquerque, to MC at last. But the other laughs. Because they used to have another laughs there. And I slept in the, I slept on the couch of the condo. Oh, my God. With the other headliner and feature.

And feature in there. And they're not happy about that. No one wants the host sleeping on the couch. That's kind of like, that's supposed to be the quiet area. The host who's drinking a lot. Oh, you're partying. Yeah, I was smoking cigarettes. I'm probably bringing a girl back, bringing a fucking lot.

Last night I did. Oh, wow. But the feature was gone. Oh, okay. Feature left after the show, so I got his bedroom. Okay. So that's why I stayed at the bar to be like. God, that's so fun.

Are you going to make an appearance at Laf said Tucson? Are you guys pop by? Get a little, you go see dingo, the bartender. I do want to see dingo. He's a legend. That guy is so cool. Shout out Johnny Dingo. Johnny Dingo.

I don't know, man. I'm a little. Yeah, it's a little irk, yeah. The nostalgia isn't clean because I'm a little irked by the basically that they were like, yeah, we don't care to book you on and off night. They did the same thing. I wouldn't. And you're, you should definitely.

I mean, I would love to. Yeah, that'd be so cool. Wouldn't be so fun to do headline a Wednesday, do two shows? Make them so sick. They're like, oh, we never did that. Yeah. That's not what we did in the 80s. They're like, we don't do that.

They said, we give away tickets and we make money on our food and drink. You don't make extra money. What? The ticket sales. I didn't even need a lot of money. I just thought it would be cool. I literally was like, I like, I like this place. I think it would be cool to do a one night or there.

And they're like, ah, now. That was the exact thing I told my. I just want to make, like, not even that much money to do it. told my agent I was like I miss I want to go back I want to do Tucson I want to do laughs that's an amazing nostalgia yeah that's great nostalgia I will do it before I go like like let me get a Wednesday or a Thursday before I do stand up live in Phoenix yeah yeah so it makes sense routing wise it would give them so much pressing like this is our hometown hero they should have like a picture of you I started there I loved it there was like people that I'm still friends with that like I talked to that we

started there like jesse campbell and johnny schwartz mine and there's like and matlin parsick oh didn't jesse campbell do yeah yeah yeah yeah she's hilarious yeah yeah she's very fucking funny i'm so glad that i started in madison so that club is always like i'm the best comedy and say it's the best club ever i know spoiled i was very spoiled it's a great time i know it's sacrilegious from a coloradian to say that oh to say it's better than comedy works i mean comedy works is great but madison it might be the best club it's It's really up there. Top three. There's three that I would say could be number one.

It's one A one B for Madison and Denver. I think Acme is pretty one C possibly also. Possibly. Two A maybe, a two A. Yeah, but I go, I go Madison. Madison's a great city in America. But I wanted that like, I mean, you wanted to go there too. Just like give me an all day.

Laf's was the first club that ever let me headline outside of like Wisconsin. They just random. I mean, they pay me an egregiously low amount, but I was like, this is cool. I went back there. I thought this was so sick. Living here. I went back to. feature for a push for no just to be home I just got to go back and I'm I didn't even grow up in

Tucson I grew up in Colorado went to college in Tucson right I didn't like living in Tucson but it's where you start saying you always have that but also KFMA I worked at the radio station there and I did stand up it's like where I found out what I wanted to do right it's very important to me has a place in your soul your psyche and then they were like hey sorry man we got a good thing going here and you're like is it I don't see the risk yeah And having an off night. Yeah, we don't kind of like to make extra money in these parts. Yeah.

I like to make exactly what we made last year. No more and no less. The new owner was like, but hey, maybe we'll see you next time around. You're like, I'm doing the reality. I'm doing the. I'm actually going to do a theater then go back to small clubs. I'm just still dipping my toes in the theater world. I will.

Obviously, I'm going to go back to clubs. This is your first theater tour. Yeah, I bet that's fun. And, you know, the cycle is you build the hour, you put it out and you do it in the theater, then you tape it. Right. And then you go back to the clubs and you build it. Right.

That's fun. When I go back to the clubs, I'm not going to want to go back to them. Never going to go back. They lost it. You lost it. It's weird. You could have been like, no, we don't want to fuck. And then they're like, why don't you fuck that?

And you're like, I tried. Oh, you hit me up when you're in town for Christmas. Yeah. No. You said no, Bethany. No. You said it wouldn't work. I tried for five years, Jeannie.

Yeah. It's, uh, it's, it's, I don't know me. Those things are sad when people, yeah, they've just burn these bridges with us. For no reason. It's just, it's crazy. It happens all the time, too. Just like, dude. Just like this weird ego.

By the way, I'm doing the Paramount on Saturday. One of the bartenders was like, dude, better come by comedy works to say what's up, motherfucker. And you're like, absolutely. Ricky Veles is there. That's great. I'm going to come by and see the staff and say what's up. Oh, it's so fun to get two comics are in town performing and you get a hang out.

That's like the best part of touring. I got Sagalo with me. Oh, great. We're going to go over there to the Comedy Works and be like, what's up, motherfucker. Like, get high. Watch the show. Oh, yeah. Watch Ricky do an hour where it's just like no pressure because I'm done.

Oh, when you don't have to do a show and you get to actually, I never get to watch comedy anymore. I love it. But that's what I'll, that's what I'm like check every sitting I'm in. I'm like checking to see who's at the clubs. Oh, I didn't even. Yeah, I don't. Because you're like, dude, I want to go fucking. Taylor Tomlinson did that when we did.

Oh, yeah, that's right. With that Milwaukee, that's right. She did a guest spot. Yeah, she's like, dude, I got nothing. I'm at the past theater. That was a sad weekend. That was tough. That's a bad, that's a bad, that's a bad suburb of Milwaukee.

go just to let you know this is like one of the most conservative out of the way it's the most conservative county in wisconsin i think it was like you went up there and you felt it you're like damn they don't like you don't you can't even make fun of being gay because they don't want you to talk about being gay you don't talk about that's it's not even funny to make fun of man oh i don't even all i think about it was even i had to pull in all my local references there i was talking about culvers i had to do whatever what was the burger we had a curd burger they had the curd burger they had the curd burger at Culver's and a flat pancake of curd on a burger and sold out by 11 a.m.

They opened at 10 a.m. was sold out by 11 a.m. He was like my Navajo Pointman of Wisconsin. Yeah, you're like, Jeffrey, go find me this. And you're like, we'll walk north. And then we went, and we went. Smell the curds. Yeah. You'll smell the butterburger in the distance.

Did you ever get to try it? It was sold out every day. So you never got to? I never got to have it. They was gone by, I think they opened at 10, gone by 11. I was hoping you got to justify that trip. I never got to. I think I lived in Chicago then.

Yeah, because I lived in Chicago then, so it wasn't that big of it. It wasn't that far to go. Milwaukee, kind of a weird city, honestly. I like it. I've never, I've never enjoyed Milwaukee. Really? I guess I'm Madison. I think I got spoiled because it's just so much better.

I did this fucking awesome little theater there last December. Papps? Not Paps. It was this one smaller than the one, the old, like, Legion Hall. Oh, okay. Where it was like from the 1800s where they like legitimately fought Nazis in this building. Oh, that's like, yeah, because it's a big Polish town. It's fucking awesome.

That sounds. It's just like a big gymnasium, but it was like the acoustics were incredible. And they had a bear, fuck, I'm so sorry. They had like the union meetings and stuff back in the day. I'm sorry I'm forgetting the name of it, but it was such a cool venue. And it was me and Louis Katz. And it was like, fucking awesome. What's like the coolest venue you've gotten to do on this theater tour?

I guess it's just starting, but do you know? Just started more theater in Seattle. Really? That's really fucking cool. Seattle's a great town. Seattle's awesome. People make fun of Seattle. It's amazing.

All three venues. this week this past weekend we're fucking awesome you're in L.A. Portland or L.A.? The United Theater downtown. Everyone hates to get downtown and I get it after. Oh, it's in downtown L.A. Oh, wow. But it's fucking gorgeous. Really? Okay. It looked like it was coming out of the sea. Like that's what the theater looked like. Because I got a hotel downtown and I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. Every other city you're like downtown's the place to be. Downtown. I got to be where the action's at. And people were telling me. I was like, why is this hotel $125? This is a,

four-star hotel what is it it's like oh i get it they own the night yes i get it yeah and we went down there 30 p.m they're knocking on the window like you don't come out here boy it's i am legend yeah it is i am legend you're like during the day it's just grass growing out of the street i'd feel like i'd rather be running from four dobermans than walking down downtown l.a i'll tell you these fucking bums in l.a but then we did the more theater in seattle which was awesome and then we did a place called revolution hall in portland oh really cool Portland another great city it was a an old high school turned into a venue. Oh,

damn. So it's like the venue looks like a, you know those in movies in the old time operation tables where all the classes watching? Oh, sure. It's like a really big version of that.

Really? And then the green room was like a classroom. What? That's crazy. That's so cool. The back hallway was like... Portland and other great city that people make fun of.

It's awesome. And we were there when the boots touched ground. Did they act? Oh, they are there? No. Oh, okay. I don't know. He saw one truck.

Oh, really? But it's also like you go there and like everything's going fine. There's no like mass chaos. That's always the funniest thing to me. It's like it's burning down. It's like it's not. I was just there. It was a roughly dick.

Like when I lived in Chicago for five, six years. Everyone's like, Chicago is a war zone. I'm like, I'm one of the biggest bitches of all time. How did I live there if it's the most dangerous city in the world? I bench like 95 pounds and I never had a problem. They go, welcome to the war. It's these guys who live 50 miles out with 20 guns who are like Chicago. I wouldn't go to Chicago, brother.

It's like, go to a Cubs game. It's amazing. I always want to go when I see specifically dudes, you could tell Midwestern families that are in New York City. I always want to give them a show because I feel like they're going there and they're like scared and you're like, New York is so, there's elements of danger, but it's not a dangerous city. It's not at all. You just like keep your, just don't be a fucking moron. Don't black out on the train at 4 a.m. You'll be fine.

Mind your business. That's what my mom doesn't do. Anyone talks to my mom. She's like, oh, really? Yeah. Why do you need money, young man? Yeah. No, mom, no.

Let him go. You just mind your business. It'll be fine. And by the way, native New Yorkers, when you tell that, they go like, yeah. Of course. Like where you're from and you go, you say hi to people. My mom says hi to everyone she sees. We'll be hiking in the middle of nowhere.

She sees someone, hi, how you doing? Yeah. They got here to get away. from that mom in the middle of Colorado one of my favorite jokes I don't know you didn't put it I didn't see it on your special the one about your parents loving guns no I didn't put that I think I'm gonna

re bring that one back all right I don't want to ruin that punchline yeah yeah god damn he's talking about having suburban parents oh they're they're loaded up I'm from Woodbury Minnesota very average suburb no crime and they're they got the cameras they got the doorbell

they got the guns for nothing you're talking about how secure the suburbs are I don't want to ruin the bit. Yeah, I'm going to bring that one back. I saw you do that when I did a spot on your show at Session. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck that joke. I was telling Adam.

I was like, dude, that joke is so. Oh, hell, yeah. Thank you. It's like one of those jokes. They're just so afraid for nothing. It's crazy. I don't think I've ever seen a crime where I grew up. Yeah, within 20 miles.

Because your parents stay strapped. They stay strapped. That's what they're saying. It's because we have one shotgun that we don't know how to use. Yeah. That's how they stay away. But the idea of watching comedy, I think that's,

why you should always do it is because there's jokes that you see that you should get jealous of other jokes absolutely you have to that's why like the really famous people they they don't see comedy anymore they lose touch with what's happening that's exactly it's on the boots on the ground it's also i think i know it's not a popular theory but i don't think you should be mad if your partner does light flirting with people because it's like they want something else you got no you got to keep like well yeah she's cute sure if someone is like kind of like i'm not going to fuck anybody but if someone's like, hey, you're like, hey, give it back a little because you go.

It's fun to go on for one minute, two minutes, then we forget about it. We're not going to do anything. We go back to the hotel room and masturbate and it's fine. Exactly. It's a playful flirt. But my point is, like, I never have been upset about that in relationships where they're like,

I don't have a jealousy, really, no. Well, you just go, I don't know. If she's going to fuck him, then she's a horrible person and I don't want to be with her. Right, that'd be a good tell. We can get out of this now. Okay. That little insecurity of like, well, she smiled at that guy you go,

great just like when you see a comic tell a great joke that should make you be like oh i got to get back in the lab it's exactly it can't be like look you get angry for like three seconds then you go i got a right another joke it's the i left my uh hotel key in the room thing you go oh i should have thought of that yeah and then you go that's great now i'm gonna go right some people get bitter they're like i'm never gonna be fucking good i'm never gonna this is the problem man like i like to i sometimes when i'm not in the cellar i'll just go there if i see someone i know i'll just watch a v u show i love i do it like once a month I think it's fun.

If I'm at new jokes and there's like two comics going up downstairs that I want to watch, maybe back to back. I go, I'll tell Will like, hey, don't bring me up. I want to go watch two sets. Oh,

yeah. And then you sit in the back and you're like, like, that's what's all about. We don't get to do that anymore because we're touring and shit. I did a show and Tim Dillon did a drop in set and I just sat. I didn't even want him to know I was there. I just sat in the sound room and watched him do a set.

Right. And enjoyed it. Just like the way comedy, back in the day, used to be all these bar shows. You're all watching each other. now it kind of got segmented. Well, it's also...

We got a little bigger and, like, COVID destroyed that shit. COVID destroyed that shit. That was how I saw you. Right. And where was that? I was on the lower... That loft show.

Secret loft. Secret loft. And I remember you did your World Cup joke. And I was like... Yeah, I just... I added onto it and posted it yesterday again. I just saw it and I was like, fuck yeah. It was like, I watched...

That's why I know you is because of that joke. Yeah, yeah. He did that joke and I was like, who the fuck is this guy? And then you talked about it on Bert's pocket and then someone told me and then I DM'd you to open for you and... Madison. That was awesome. I think it was during COVID and then it got delayed like a year and a half.

And then we did a run of a couple. And we did like, four or five. Yeah. And it was like that's because that's what it is. You should be watching people being like, holy shit, that's funny. The new person. Yeah.

But it also makes me happy because you go, oh, other people are trying to write jokes and be funny and be really good at this. Well, you get so jaded seeing like the big people is like, but there's so many up and coming comics who are huge. Also, they're so funny right now. I remember 2017, Shane, emceeing for me. Oh, and you're like, this guy's going to be big.

No, just go, this dude's hilarious. Yeah, yeah, he's like, you play Madden? I was like, yeah, he's like, you want to play Madden? And then we hung out playing Madden all night. He made a lifelong friend. And then you're like, what a fun guy I'm going to hang out with. And then he ends up being the next fucking Adam Sandler. Yeah, yeah.

That's crazy. But he just became my friend because I liked his jokes. It's like, people don't do that anymore. They're all like. It's not like, how many followers you got? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How's the algorithm clicking for you? Yeah.

could have been still in Harrisburg right now and I'd be texting them right I'd be like what's up fucker jump online let's play fucking you know what I mean instead he's like yeah he's got like he's on an airplane with Bradley Cooper yeah yeah but what I love about him is he's my friend like yes my first theater tour and I was telling Pimp he like called me and he's like how you doing it yeah you know because that's a different vibe the theater tour obviously which is crazy because I remember when he started headlining he called me and he's like I'm headlining this fucking sucks and you're like yeah and now I'm calling him and I'm like how do you do a different city every night.

The master in the sense, or the sense say, there we go. It keeps flipping back and four. Well, what I like about it is that's a friendship. That's, yeah, you're helping each other out. He's had experience in someplace. I haven't and I haven't. Right.

So it's just like, it is really cool. What advice did he give you from theaters? You got to go slower? Yeah, he said slower. I fucked that up a couple of times. He said go slower and he also was like, don't worry about not knowing what city you're in.

He's like, because it gets hard after a while. If you do a lot of cities back to back, he goes, I still wake up in cities and I'm like, I don't know where I am I don't know like before the show you know because you're like talking about it and they're like looking at teams or whatever but when you wake up in a hotel you're like

Don't be like scared and think you're going crazy And it was in It was in fucking Seattle That I woke up and I was like Huh, hey Cause I woke out of a Just a deep dream In a fugue state

You're like kicking around And we're at the same kind of hotel So I was like Huh there's a room different And I was like oh shit different city Wow But it's fun That's not a bad thing

It's not a bad thing. That's very fun. Dude, it's fucking sick. Go watch Jeffrey Asmus is. Go subscribe to his YouTube channel and watch all he does. He's fucking hilarious. He's one of my favorite comics to watch.

And on tour now. Touring all fall every goddamn city. It never stops. But go see him. He's a fucking animal. Please do. The new hour's hot. There it is.

Whitecom. com. Oh yeah. I forgot you have that. I bought whitecommodicmedian. com years ago. Whitecom. I'm going to sell that.

to like Joe Rogan for a million dollars. Shultz will give you the bag for that money. There we go. Whitecom com.com. Thank you.