Soder - 110: Western Doors with Dana Gould | Soder Podcast | EP 108

Episode Date: December 2, 2025

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December 5th, that's a Friday, Vancouver, Canada. I am going to be there. It's close to sold out, but we're at the Vogue Theater. Saturday, December 6th, Eugene, Oregon. I know it's the Big Ten Championship. I hope your Oregon Ducks are doing great. Off chance they're not, or the games earlier in the day, why don't you come to the McDonald Theater in Eugene, Oregon.

December 13th, Royal Oak, Michigan, Royal Oak Theater. I'm coming back, baby. I'm very excited. It's the last show of the year. We're going to have a hell of a time. December 13th. Royal Oak, Michigan, Dan Soder.com for tickets. Don't futz around with those other websites.

Go to Dan Soder.com. Get your tickets from there, and I'll see you in Royal Oak. It's true story. Did you start in San Francisco? I started in Boston. You started in Boston and then moved to San Francisco. Yeah. We just start recording, by the way.

Okay. We don't do like a fancy intro. That's smart. I just remember one day driving from L.A. to San Francisco, and it was a cloudless sky until I got to 19th Avenue and then just, boom, fog. And it's carbon.

What's the name of the fog? Carl, they have a name for it. Oh, I don't know the name. In the Bay Area, if you can look it up, I think we've talked about this before. I think the fog's name is Carl. And you go, oh, yeah, it's... Carl.

Carl, why is it Carl? They have a reason for it, but it's so funny that the Bay Area is like, that's like similar to like in Minnesota where it snow so much they go we just know you won't see your car until June they had to build I mean that's the thing about Minnesota that they built tunnels between buildings yes because they know and and that also shows you I'm fascinated when humans live in places that it's clear we shouldn't live I lived I went to college at the University of Arizona and after like a week there you go without the invention of air conditioning

yeah this doesn't work who stopped here and stayed Who was the guy who would keep going? And they went, you're going to die. He goes, am I? Yeah. Or, and his name was Robert Phoenix. Yeah, exactly. Who said, this is good right here?

Even with like Minnesota and shit, you're like, you're hitting snow drifts that are like 15 feet. And you're going like, and that's fine. I don't know how they survive. I literally don't know how they survive. Like those first winners in Minnesota, I just like don't get it. But I, to your thing about seasons is what you grew up in Massachusetts. I grew up in Colorado. I think that's like how normal people are regulated,

where it's like you go through the anger of the summer, then you get to crisp the heat of like, why are you do, you've forgotten me, God. You're burning me in this hell. Oh, you took it right to God. Yeah, right to it. As all things, bring it right to God. Listen, he's the boss.

I don't need red tape. I'm not talking to a cardinal. You want to talk to the management. Truly, if you want to know, my theological perspective is that I am agnostic because of the lack of red tape. I go, if there is a God, I want to talk to the man. I don't want to talk to five people that maybe can talk to the manager. The layers. Yeah, the Pope is just the general manager.

He doesn't get to make any decisions. He's literally a district man. He's a district manager where if you get him, you go, it's impressive. I got the district manager. but I would like to speak to the boss. He can't okay anything on his own. It's all going to go upstairs. It's all Latin for my hands are tied.

It's all like, he's like, my hands are tied. I don't know. This is just how we do things here. You know, it's so funny, I was raised Catholic. Yeah, which it was, by the way, hilarious in perfectly normal. Oh, oh, thanks. Go watch. I should tell you this, because comics don't do this enough.

your special was recommended to me by comics by Louis Katz number one and Dan St. Germain Oh, that's nice. Dan St. Germain is like Dana Gould right now and then I put it on and I was like immediately right back like, oh yeah.

Oh, that's nice. Because there's so many albums and there's so many things that I feel that there's this overwhelming thing that now we need to go back to record store mentality of my friend who has good taste said I should try this.

I put it on. I liked it. But perfectly normal. fucking rips. Oh, thank you so much. It's on YouTube, watch it. Dana Gould, uh, but watch Dana Gould. Still alive. Still, fucking, you thought he had gone full Dr. Zias? Nope. He's out of the makeup. He's fucking you and your ass with jokes. Yeah. I'm, I said, I make my living the old fashion way. Yeah. I get a monkey mask. I fly around the country. I want prosthetics. But, uh, but, but it's so funny. Growing up Catholic. Growing up Catholic. Growing up Catholic.

and all that stuff. Yeah. I'm as Catholic as that table. But the most spiritual thing that happened to me, like, honestly, I'm not like, was the Mr. Rogers documentary. Oh, my God. Which you bring up, which is really funny. Great callback.

I don't want to ruin it. But it was, it was just like, oh, that's what you're supposed to do. Yeah. Like, he's just, he is. Like, yeah, whatever, however he was made. Well, you bring it up in the, in the, in the special. And it's just a good point, which is he's our last good guy. Yeah.

That didn't fuck anybody. Yes. Don't even have to be kids. We don't know how he did it. You find out that they fucked other people and you go, come on. Yeah. We don't know how he did it. Can you be nice and not a cum gas station just pumping people full of your jizz?

Like, can you just do. Like a mortar gun? You're just firing off loads into people and ruining your legacy. But there is this thing of... Like a Death Star Canon? I, um, for some reason in my subreddit algorithm feed, what comes up is, I'm not even a giant Sam Kinnison fan, but this Sam Kinnison subreddit comes up. Yeah.

And they post these very interesting old clips, and I'm a sucker for comedy history. Sure. I will watch anything old interview with Lauren Michaels, an old interview with Sam Kinnison. I just kind of like to see how their brains work and all this stuff. And it's around the time... Sam's brain worked on cocaine. Yes. Yeah.

I think it's like, well, I think he just had a race car, but cocaine was the gas that made that car go. I think that's well put. I worked with him. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But there was this interesting scene right after the Tammy Fay Baker thing happened. And he's talking about Jim Baker. Now, here's what you have to understand about me and my fiance, Katie, also from Massachusetts.

Ah. from the Great Commonwealth. We love to go on religious channels and when we get high and we watch there's like on Verizon cable in New York you can get like super Christian networks

there's a Jewish one there's a couple Christian ones but Jim Baker still does a show and he's just a skeleton and other people are doing the lifting thing. Yeah he's like the Frankie Valley of Evangelio. That's exactly yeah where he's like ha ha he's like God wants

Give me money. But it's like this short documentary about Kinnison and he's mocking Tammy Faye Baker saying like, yeah, I would switch her out. He's like doing these jokes. But then he has a serious interview and they go, you know, this upsets you. And he's like, well, I was raised by a preacher and I was a preacher. And he's like, my father, we lived at the church because he didn't take donations. And that is what struck me about the Mr. Rogers thing.

It was like, oh, there's preachers that were just like, no, I need to preach the word of God because it's what I'm supposed to do and out of the goodness of my heart and now you have all these Joel Osteins and all the kind that are going like, well, they're just doing it to get rich. Yeah, my mother taught me how to shoplift when I was a kid.

So we would save grocery money and then she could send it to Oral Roberts. Great university that didn't even believe. And his brother, Anel Roberts. I was just going to, that's great. The joke I was going to make is the only college where you're not allowed to give Cunalingis or blow jobs.

It's called Oral Roberts. If you have a name like Oral Roberts, you better be sucking and fucking like it's your job. You better be, you better have a mouth or ass or pussy filled with jizz at all time. Oral Roberts? That sounds like a nickname that they, it sounds like when I used to watch on public access,

the roller derby. It just sounded like a, like a, they're reading off the job assignments at the bathhouse. Oral, Roberts, anal, Philips. Hand job. McMill Roberts sounds like a name on like a roller derby team where they go like that's tricksy dust and oral Roberts watch her send him around on the bucket like watch her go over the side on the roller and they all have that hair that 70s haircut I mean it was it's all just like um they all

hard pack their jiz until it it's the the center of their decision spackle yeah it just backs It's black mold for their brain. White mold. Well, does someone say it's almost a liquidy mother of pearl? Yeah, it is, no, it, I mean, it's amazing. And I get the, and again, I grew up, my mom was a, saying my mom was raised Irish Catholic. But my mom was, she got married after college and then divorced, so they discommunicated her. Oh, well, no, my mother was, my mom is from, I'm from Massachusetts.

My mom was in the South. And my mom was evangelical Christian. Okay. And she was super like praying to the, praying with the TV, hands on the TV screen. Yeah, yeah. Grabbing snakes. Yeah, yeah, the whole thing. Speaking in tongues.

Yeah. I mean, I'm going to tell you right now, if you want to get kids in religion, that's the way to go. Yeah. Handle some snakes. Yep. Make up your own language. Yeah, exactly. She's fucking, you were babbling like a baby five years ago.

What's the snake? Give me the snake religion. Take the good. stuff leave the bad stuff bring the snakes and the babble but so when your mom so catholicism to her is but yeah but it was all yeah but it was all always that money and like you know that was so insane and the fact that she taught you to steal so she could give money to a guy that said he was talking to god and yeah and had a helicopter and who had a helicopter and also was telling you not to steal like the cycle of that of

you're going, I need you steal baby. Orrell Roberts needs $5. And then he's going, if you steal you will burn, get out $5. It's amazing. No, it's like you can't make it up. Yeah, it's so, it's so. I've been, but there was a thing about Mr. Roger. He didn't want your money.

Yeah. Who's PBS? By the way, he went and argued with, that's a great clip online. You can watch where he goes to talk. And the senator goes like, oh, shit. Yeah. Like by the end of it, he goes, yeah, well, Mr. Rogers, you just confirmed that I'm going to give this money?

Yeah, they attack him in that documentary. He's attacked it by this conservative commentator because he says that every child is special. Yeah. And they believe that that is the beginning of the downfall of culture. And basically what he's just saying is like, kids need to know that they deserve to be loved. Yes. That's not a bad thing. A lot of the reasons, a lot of the problems we have right now is because people can't look inward.

and go, I deserve love. And, like, you start losing things when you lose that. You lose accountability. You lose sense of self. Empathy is not, I, empathy is not a weakness. I hate to quote Morrissey. Yeah, do it. God, we're going to cry.

We're going to just do full Smith songs. But this is like, it's easy to laugh. It's easy to hate. It takes guts to be gentle and kind. That's, and it's true. And it's hard, you know, I get, you know, a lot of Christian conservative commentary. Conservatism in general offers simple solutions. Great. To complex problems. I get the appeal. Yeah. And it's always that guy. Yeah. It's never you. It's that guy.

One of my favorite elements of stand-up comedy that I always loved were when jokes are, what about for his perspective? And then it's like the funniest thing is to think like when we did the bonfire, Big Jay and I did a whole thing about what if the cop would have helped Rambo? What if instead of driving him, what about instead of driving him out, he invited him over for dinner. And they talked about the Vietnam War. Then you're not getting your whole town wrecked by a green beret. Brian Denny, he played my dad on a pilot. Sick.

Yeah, he was. That's awesome. That cop was pretty close to reality. Like, Brian was those of these guys that he could go in his dressing room and he's just sitting there under a bare light bulb reading like the biography of Stalin. Warm cup of water and a potato. Cigarettes are for pussy. If you want to smoke, you smoke a cigar. Why did you take the, why did you take the lamp off the light?

It's harsher this way. Yeah, the light lets me know it's here. But he made me look like a great actor because I just had to, I just had to be there. I just let him terrify me. Being around great actors is the closest you'll ever get to, like, playing basketball with NBA players where you go, so you can do all of it and I just have to give it to you. Yeah, yeah. And then you just give it to me and I bounce a couple times and I give it right to you.

And then you'll dunk. I just stand there and react to you and I look just as good. And I'm doing nothing. Yeah. And you are flying through the air. Yes, exactly. And I go like, I gave it to him. Yeah.

Brian Dennyhee in that movie. But that is like the whole point of like, what of my favorite things? What if he just helped? What have he helped them? Like in stand up, it's like that was my favorite thing when I was watching, when I would watch it when they played all the time on Comedy Central everywhere, you know, late 80s, 90s, comedy boom. It was on TV all the time.

And I always loved that as a kid because I wasn't hearing that anywhere else. I wasn't hearing, oh, empathy, you would hear empathy as like, try to, what are they? It was, honestly, it felt a little gay. They're like, oh, I'm going to feel for you. I want you to feel for this. And comedy was the first thing. You go, it's actually kind of funny if you think about it from their perspective. And you go, hey, that is.

That's really funny. And I love that. It's even the joke that you had that I love in perfectly normal is when you're talking about being of, when you go out to eat with vegetarians and you said that you eat steak. And the guy goes, do you like that they kill the cow? you go, I love my brother, but I don't watch my parents fuck. Because that's a perspective you don't think about. Yeah. And that's, again, it's just like...

You don't have to drag everything back to the point that it's awful. Exactly. The other thing I like to do sometimes is to make the point by strenuously, to argue their point by making their point too well. Yes. Yeah. Were you over analyzing it to the point where you go like? Yeah, because I find, like, when you go on the road and you need to,

do but sometimes you need to inoculate the audience a little bit yeah yeah like i don't mention any politicians my name or anything like that but i talk about like well my brother or my uncle and you point to somebody in your family that has that opinion and that way is because it's really talking about his brother that's always been what politics before this what period yeah yeah thing where they make so much money and that's what and that's all it's just it's money somebody said gosh i wish i knew what I was I was talking to two days ago. Rage conflict entrepreneurs. Yeah.

That's all it is. It's rage baiting. Yeah. It's rage baiting. I can't even go on. Yeah, I can't even look online for like two minutes in it. And it's also,

if you want to take it further, it's the same as like a lot of what these pharmaceuticals do where it's, we're going to treat the problem. We're not going to cure the problem. Right. So we'll give you an argument that you can take into the world, but we're not going to fix the problem. Right.

We're not going to show you that maybe you're both wrong. You know what I mean? Sure, sure, sure. I was always interested in the fact of the thing, especially because I grew up with like the kind of guys I grew up with where you go, oh, you're like all these guys are like, you're showing emotion. Oh, you're sad for that.

Oh, that's so, fuck. Oh, you're dancing. What are you gay or whatever? And it's like, well, I think trying to impress other men might be gayer. I think dancing with my wife might be fun. And I'm actually having a time with a woman. Or showing my emotions to a woman is probably, opening intimacy, I think if I stop doing that because I'm worried about what a guy that works

on a farm in Indiana thinks, that sounds like I want to fuck the guy that works on the farm in Indiana. Golf weight has the, Goldthwaite and I have very similar upbringing. Yeah. And he's Massachusetts as well, right? He's upstate New York. Okay. But it's just middle of Massachusetts, upstate New York, same thing.

Yeah, New England. Gun racks, camo hoodies. Yeah. Both of us were thought to be gay by our. parents and older siblings because we did not want to go hunting. There you go. And as Bob says, this Bob's joke, it was like, you're the one getting up at 6th of the morning to huddle together in the woods

and matching outfits. That's very, I mean, it's perfect. And you know what's funny is I always, I did the opposite. Like, I always revered the guys that were like, I'm not doing that. I don't want to do that. I always, I'm a people pleaser. So I always was like, I'll go along with it.

And then I wasn't good at it. And then you feel 10 times worse. Because they go, you're gay if you don't do this. But you're even worse if you do it and you suck. Now you're a loser and you're like, I can't fucking win. And the winning is going, I don't fucking do that. And it's all, here's the thing. It's all fear of change.

Yeah. Whatever it is. Fear of change. And by the way, and I'll tell you right now, I have my life, I've been horrible with fear of change. Of course, as have I. Because it's hard as shit. Yeah. It's also scary.

It's also. There's a great line about John N. Twistle, the bassist for the who. Yeah. One said, like in an interview, I don't get rap. I don't like rap. Yeah. And Pete Townsend said, it's not our job to like it. It's our job to get out of the way.

Yeah. That's the perfect way of putting it. And that's just, yeah. And if I don't, I don't understand something. I don't like I was talking about my brother Like my brother Does not like trans people

Yeah Well you know I mean I was Never met one I have a theory about this He's never met one I don't like it I don't get it

I don't have your problem Yeah Don't pay attention to it Yeah You don't have to It's not in your face You don't have to deal with it This is the problem with the internet though

It's every like Right The way society used to work was if it was in your face, it was a problem and you dealt with it. And a lot of the times it was in your face.

So it's like the way when you live in New York City, the age old joke is you can't be racist because you'd be too tired because it is true. Like everyone's made that joke stand-up-wise.

But it is like, I lived in Astoria, which was Greek, but I also had a huge Muslim pop. I lived next to a mosque for 15 years. So I'd watch their kids or whatever. I had a joke in my HBO special

about being stoned and my window slammed by accident and a Muslim woman was with her kid and I was like great now they think I'm anti-Islamic

I mean I hate them and in reality it was just that my fucking window was stuck it was a shitty apartment in Queens it was like stuck

but it's like when you're not I have friends that are from Colorado that are sweethearts they're like genuinely good people sure

and I was with them recently with my friend's wife who's a sweetheart and there was a woman in a hijab and she was like uh oh And you're like, well, I don't think you're Islamophobic.

I just don't think you've been around Muslims. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You've just never been around Muslims. So you're like, oh, they, all you see is what Fox News or CNN or what all these rage baiters feed you. Yeah. And you're like, you don't know. I, like, here's something I don't like, cat puke. Yeah.

And I have, I have three daughters and a wife. They all have a cat. I went from zero cats to four cats in a month. Yeah. And every morning, I'm the first guy up. Between my bedroom and the coffee maker, there's going to be a puddle of cat puke. It's just the nature of cats.

The way they do it. Right. Exactly. But you know what I do when I see it? I get a Lysol wipe that I now buy in bulk. I wipe it up. I put it the garbage. I then don't get on Facebook and log into my cat puke update awareness group,

photograph it, file it, cross-referencing, post about it. They don't want to fix the problem. Yeah. They're there. to like, you can go to your sub-ruddit and then someone's making money off you going cap-hook and they go,

I heard they're going to make you eat cap-hue. Yeah, exactly. I heard if they get the fucking government going, you got to eat cap-hook and it's like, dude, I don't care. Also, people get mad when you say that, but it could be the truth where you go, it doesn't affect me.

I don't care. Also, nine times out of 10, like, threads of the thing, freedom-loving mom isn't real. Yeah, yeah. It's just software. Yeah, yeah. It's engagement,

getting you in engagement. They're very good at marketing has reached a level now where I think us in society we're hip to how they market now where you go, oh, they put that drink in the movie because that drink gave the movie money. Right. So we all know that now.

We're in the 80s or 90s. We had no idea. You're like Pepsi. I like Pepsi. And it's back to the future too and you're like, I thought Pepsi in the future. And you have no idea

that they're giving Miramax or whoever. This is the most egregious one. and I just remember it. I barely know how to tie my shoes. I'm not going to tell you how to run a business, okay? If you're starting a business, I want you to know, I think that's scarier than doing stand-up comedy or speaking in front of a large group of people

is operating a small business. I truly, that makes my p-hole snap shut every time I think about it, and I get filled with anxiety. But if you start a small business, you better use square. What's square? Well, sometimes you'll, like, you know,

buy something at a fair and see that little square thing they put on the, the phone so you can swipe your credit card and you're like oh that's cool that's square it's about but it does more than that it's not just the thing that takes credit card payments it's a behind the scenes of a lot of businesses you already love whether you're selling smoothies cutting hair whatever it is this isn't just a point of sale square includes hardware that works in person and on the go software for managing staff marketing and customer insights and banking tools like square checking to get paid instantly.

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But then when I have, you know, like the nitty gritty, it's obvious my reading voice. But if you are starting a business or running one that deserves better tools, Square helps you sell, manage, and grow without slowing down. Right now, you can get up to $200 off Square hardware at square.com slash go slash soda. That's SQ-U-A-R-E dot com slash geo slash soda. Run your business smarter with Square. Get started today. This episode is sponsored by BetterHare.

help you know me I'm a fan of therapy I think everyone should talk to somebody I don't think a lot of people can fix themselves and the few that can I think are probably licensed therapists but I do think you should help yourself by talking to somebody and this December I don't know start it now why wait till the new year get it started making a new tradition now of going to talk to someone so by the way your holidays will be a lot easier because you're like oh I'm not crazy some of my family sucks and there you go. And then you have someone that helped you. You get like a cosign

that your family might stink and they've been making you think that you stink. Regardless, go to betterhelp.com slash soda. And this December, we're starting a new tradition and taking care of you. Our listeners get 10% off

if you go to betterhelp.com slash soda. That's better help.com slash soda. Because it was so egregious in Moonraker. Yeah. Shout out, James Bond. A building collapses. Sure.

But a seven-up cooler is sacrosanct. There you go. Right in the center of the frame. He's like, if you ever get a tummy ache. I don't know if that's Roger Moore or Conner, but he's like, if you get a tummy ache, I always have a seven-up. I'd like a seven-up and a Raspberry Ties a place.

Smucker around a little bit. When that clip of Connery came out, you're like, Dan, he was just popping women in the mouth. One of my favorite by movies is Diamonds are Forever, because it's when he starts to look like your dad. Like you couldn't look like that in an action movie now. He's like, I'm going to stop it. And you're like, you're not even going to mow the lawn, you fat fuck.

Excuse me, darling. Are you finished with those potatoes? But I think marketing now has gotten so good if you don't eat you vegetables. We won't go to the ball. But I think marketing now has to evolve because we've caught up to knowing product placement, knowing all that shit. So now they're on a different level where they're throwing problems. And they're like, come over here.

We'll fix it. You think it's a societal problem, but really they're just marketing. And it's, yeah, and I do think, I don't know where it goes, but... Apocalypse? Maybe. I mean, everyone's furious because we're fed conflict because it engages you. And it's hopefully we evolve past it. I don't know if we, I think what will happen is there will be an answer the way that your generation to your parents went,

smoking in hospitals isn't smart and they went that sounds gay and then they were like smoking during delivery is probably not advisable on an airplane it's just a tube maybe you don't smoke do you remember when you could smoke on a plane yeah i flew very young my parents got divorced when i was very young and i would fly from i'd fly alone from Denver to san francisco all united and i remember there being a smoking section yeah and it was actually i think it was first class like you could smoke in first class and then they'd like hit a thing. I remember the back of the plane also and it would just open that curtain

and it was just like this, like London in the 1800s. I remember looking in the thumb, the ashery in the arm and seeing butts. And you still see the ashtrays on the back of the bathroom doors sometimes. Yeah, because they're like, they would just be like you could smoke on a plane.

Just a different time. I think we're at the level where your daughters or like my niece, she's two years old, she'll go, oh, well, social media is horrible for the human brain. And we're going to go, what? We're doing it all the time. And they go, well, it really fucked you guys up. And you're like, oh, yeah, it really did.

I mean, the amount of people going crazy right now tells me we're going to have to do something. And with AI, it will get worse. That's what I mean. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if you guys know this, but we miss the rapture today. That was supposed to happen. I don't know how you guys are feeling about this, but we weren't raptured. It would be weird if Blondie died today.

Yes. If Blondy died today, you go, did she wrap into the rapture? Um, it's, that's, one of my favorite things, no matter how divided this country is, is when the religious nuts do either the Mayan calendar, 2012, the rapture, because then what it does for the rest of us is we go, look at these fucking, sure. You know what I mean? Like, we're in a very tense time right now, uh, especially after the Charlie Kirkman with the Kimmel stuff, all this very tense stuff. Everyone's very tense. And then there's a group going, the rapture's on Tuesday. And everyone goes, shut the fuck up.

You wish. Shut the fuck up. I was, I used to play Pop Warner football. I was horrible at football. My football team was horrible. We lost 116 to zero one game. We would get crushed.

Sure. Week in and week out, my mom would bring a, her and her boyfriend would bring a thermos pitcher of rum and coke. And they would watch us get. God bless them. Because we could walk to the park. We'd just get blown out.

out. One time we're losing 42 to nothing at halftime. And I was like, come on. Everyone's very bummed out. And I go, come on, guys. If they can score that much, we can score that much. And someone goes, shut the fuck up, Soder. And I felt like one of those rapture people in that moment where I brought the team together through my stupidity of going like, I'm a leader. There's a clip online of a kid getting barked down like that. And I identify with that kid. And he was like, come on guys. And someone goes, shut up. When he goes, yeah. Yeah.

Sometimes we need the real stupid people to say some stupid shit. So the rest of us collectively go, I know if shit's hot out there right now. But what the fuck is this? Like people making videos where they're going, this is my last video. One woman that I saw, my favorite video I saw where she was like, here's a little tip. Like she's done it before. She goes, here's my little tip. Keep looking up.

Don't look down. and don't hold on to anything. And you're like, people that blow my mind are people that act, number one, afterlife specialists. Yeah. You were there for five seconds.

You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I died on the operating table. Now it's my whole personality. I go and I give these lectures. Here's the five people you meet in heaven. Shut the fuck up. Your brain was off. It got rebooted.

It was like, I went to heaven. It's all ghosts. It's terrifying. And it's hot. It's humid. It's like an indoor pool. And the sheets, we all wear sheets. They don't breathe.

If you want to take them off. And let me tell you this, it's hot. God is rude. I like to say it like stuff for you. By the way, I'm going to say this right now. This Halloween, I want to see a return of the sheet ghost. Sheet ghosts. I haven't seen a lot of sheet ghosts.

And I would like to see some sheet ghosts. Or put the black. Yeah. Hold on. People in the South, I know you have sheets with all eye holes in them. Bring them. smooth out, smooth out the top, surround the top,

and then have it, I just... This is my favorite thing, if I may. Yeah. I've said this on stage, so I'm cheating. Yeah, it's okay. But it came as a feeling first, and then I brought it to the stage,

and now it's still my feeling. Sure. When you see an old photo of a Klansman, in the full outfit. Yes. And he's with a horse. Yeah. And the horse is also in the outfit.

Love it. I love that there was a lot of measuring involved. Yeah. They had to have a tailor. Yeah, 23 inches, nose to ear. It's the same as like, Michelle Wolf used to have a fantastic joke about ISIS that someone made the flag. Like someone had to be like, it was their Betsy Ross. Yeah.

And they're like, hold on, I got it. Hold on. Let it out. Let it out, girlfriend. Yeah, it is. I love that. I love any sort of, it's always, it's like the Nazis. They were like, they picked Hugo Boss.

Oh, yeah, no, they were like, we need to look. Yeah. We need to look sharp as shit. Yeah. And you're like, okay, great. Adolf loves Hugo. Yeah. It is, there always is this gay element of evil that James Bond villains did very well.

Very, very well. They always did the very like, I know, no, no. The Nehru, they worked that Nehru jacket, like nobody's business. They loved it. And they were like, I don't even know. I've always wanted to say this to you because you have been, been instrumental in like several murders several murders and we have the families here no but like you worked on the simpsons which i think is rad i think that's like one of the coolest credits of

all time it's a good one yeah i'm not gonna lie and you worked on the simpsons in the era of like it wasn't like simpsons now i love them i still think simpsons are magical but i think they should have been put out it's cyclical i think the simpsons is always best when you were at your peak of watching it. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. And,

but this brings up something else that does that, which is SNL. Yeah. And you gave a speech at 2014 just for laughs. Yes.

That I recommend to comedians. Are you there? Or did you watch it? It's transcribed. Oh, it's transcribed on a, on a website, and I tell people,

stand-up comics, young stand-up comics, a lot of my friends, or maybe comics, not young might not be the right word. Comics that aren't doing great, but are working, I give them that speech. Yeah, you're doing it now, is the print of this.

That's it, which is you talk about auditioning for S&L, the plane ride back, how good your set went, how you're like, I'm going to fucking get it, and then you don't get it. And as I went through the same thing in 2014, where I screen tested, didn't get it. And it's weird to explain to people the spin out that you feel, because you get close, and then you don't get it, and then you feel worse than if you would have never on 100% yeah it's worse that you get close you get close and you go great I go to the Olympics but I'm not even on the podium yeah yeah yeah yeah I don't know if I mentioned this on that speech but it's true so like I audition with two other guys

and we're flying back yeah you did talk about it so and I'm looking at the other two guys in the plane thinking Adam Sandler Chris Rock you'll have your turn yeah this is all about me yeah so years later I'm married my wife is an executive she goes to new york has dinner with chris rock for some reason comes back and says you know that story you tell about auditioning for saturday night live i said yeah she goes it's true what do you mean she goes i had dinner with chris rock he told the same exact i'm your husband why did you think i lied about that do you think i been lying at every party we've been at for 10 years you think this is just a lie that i'm like hey baby play along escape

Yeah, exactly. That's what you, what do you think of me? What do you think of me? I have that feeling with childhood friends when they are with me and someone like Colin Quinn goes, damn, they go, you know Colin Quinn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've told you this. I've told you I know Dave Attell. Have you ever had something happened to you and then you ask yourself, did I dream that?

Or was that real? Yeah, I had, there was a couple moments like that working on billions where I would be in the room with someone and I'd be like, did that really happen? Did I really talk to the guy that shorted Enron? Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just in a casual conversation. Yeah.

Because you tell it to someone and you go, I would think I was making this up. Yeah, sure. Like if you told me that, I'd be like, oh, yeah, that's how I made it up. There was one, and I had to have this confirmed by somebody. There was a cable access show out here in the early 90s called Collins Sleasy Friends. Love it. There was a 2020 video store on Ventura Boulevard and Studio. City.

The video guy was managed by this guy, Colin Malone. Okay. And he was around like Bob and David and me and Janine and Kathy Griffin, that social group. He was around. I think our friend Laura Milligan or our friend Jerry Fidelity. Which, by the way, is like insane because that's like a lot of people. If you're a comedy nerd.

Yeah, it was just definitely for comedy nerds. How casually you're talking about one of the all-time crews? We're talking pre-show Bobo. Yeah, yeah. Just around there. Janine Groflow, one of my all-time crushes, who's still when I see her in New York, I get weird. Because Janine Grofflo, like, is the reason I, like,

she was my number one. Her and Sarah Silverman were, like, two of my biggest crushes. I've known Janine since she went to Brown. And, uh, when she was Daria. Everybody, yeah, she was Daria. And everybody loved, everybody loved, you know, everyone always loved you. But I remember, like, your group specifically were,

were, this is so funny, because you were coming of age when I was like 10 years old. in figuring out that I loved comedy. Sure. So then it's like one of those things where you dive in and you go like, oh, you don't know, David Crawl. Oh, you found out about Pat and Oswald

because of his HBO half hour. It's like the way we were with SCTV. Yes, yes. Because we weren't the big, the huge people. No. It was the niche weirdos that we liked that. But you guys were in a sense, the beginning of alternative comedy.

Yeah. Oh, you guys were in LA for short. In LA for sure. Yeah. It wasn't the, club sleeves up. I'm going to do Sylvester Stallone getting a Kalonic.

You guys were like talking about shit where you're going like, oh shit. It was me, Janine and Colin. Yeah. That's nuts. At a bookstore on Beverly Boulevard called Big and Tall Books. Yeah.

Yeah. And there was one of the guy, but it was basically me Janine and Colin. But anyway. Sorry to nerd out. No, no, no, no, it's fine. That's like my comedy nerd autism. I know all the players

are talking about it. I'm very excited about all of them. It was one of those things where everybody had same idea at the same time, you know. And if it wasn't me, it would have been somebody else. Yeah, it was very similar to how the creek in the cave was for me. It was like all of us were coming up at the creek in the cave.

Or Nirvana and Soundgarden all coming at the same. Seattle scene out of sub-pop record. It's the same thing. So Colin's lazy friends and Colin was around and Colin had this Cave Alexa show where he would, because he was really in the porn world and he would have, and one day, I just, sidebar, you know the old, One thing the internet is deprived people of is the first time you're of age to walk through the western doors into the porn section. You ain't got a six shooter, but you got something that can shoot six bullets.

And those doors go, shame, shame, shame. And the first time you go through and it bumps you on the way back and you go, I should get out of here. I get out of here. But my God, your heart's in your throat. I'm standing there. A guy comes out of the porn section. Two, the Twin Towers, this is back when we still had the World Trade Center. Yeah.

two like nine video stacks of porn taxis Jeff Conaway oh my God he was getting ready to make the scene in an apartment oh shit so Colin had this show where he would you would go on the show and he would interview me basically comedians musicians and porn stars great this happened I've had this confirmed okay I am sitting on a beanbag chair next to lemmy from Motorhead. Yeah, the Ace of Spades himself. Ron Jeremy is sitting next to Colin and a woman is sitting on Ron Jeremy's lap

philating a dildo. Okay. I turn to Lemmy and say, casually, I've had this dream before, but there was a Hobbit in it. And he said, without blinking, there weren't beanbag chairs in Middle Earth.

What a fun. By the way. By the way, and I was like, I had to go like, did I dream that my friend Ken Daly was with me because no that was I was there that absolutely happened I was like okay I think that was yeah no good for Lemmy yeah let me he's like

he didn't want to beam back just the middle of exactly is that with a mall is this this delicious blowing up deal look that's a butt plug oh man that's dude that is there's something that happened to comedy yeah I mean that is an app dream that's so funny to say that because there are there were no

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Offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto-renewing subscription purchase. Something that I think comics lost in the podcast boom, and the comedy boom since, like, 08, since everything blew up, was how much closer to porn stars we are than we act like. Oh, yeah, comics are just porn stars without the dignity. It really is. They can perform. We can't.

Like, they do something way harder, which is stay hard on front of a camera. And crunches. And calisthenics. Yeah, they're going to be healthy. Yeah, they live healthy and eat right. No, we're all carnies. That's exactly it. Yeah, we're all carnies.

That's the thing that I always love is like, because my generation now is a little bit older. We're in our 40s, and we're so used to the comedy boom since 08 that we go, we're true, you know, you get a lot of guys like, we're truth tellers and men. You're like, we are carnival barkers at best. Yeah. We are the bearded lady. We are in the evolutionary ladder, an evolutionary chain of show business where like opera stars and ballet stars are at the front. we are right in front of the guy

that puts the condom on the donkey yes and even him he probably has a better five minutes than a lot of people I know I would I would listen to a podcast of him talking about donkey come before half of the podcasts that they get millions of views

is donkey come town still are donkey come down would be Nick Mullen and the guy that did that ran donkey shows by the way I think that would be the only thing Nick would want to do now if I talked to Nick you'd be like can you actually sign that up

I always thought it was I always thought it was funny that there were like, Comtown? Yeah, no, that's it. Yeah. We'll go with that. Well, I'll tell you, because this is my comedy history that I can share with you. Nick was featuring for me in Boston at Laugh Boston, and we were driving back to New York.

I remember this conversation exactly. We're driving back, and he's like, I'm going to start a podcast with Adam and Stav. And I was like, oh, yeah? And he goes, yeah, the only reason I want to do it is I want to make the logo look like cum. And that's it. only bit that he wanted. He just wanted to make the logo look like Come. And then so when I found out they were calling it Comtown, I went, well, that's a little on the nose, don't you think? But he was like Bob, Bob Rayfelson, who directed five easy pieces. Yeah. And produced the TV show The Monkeys.

Yeah. Among other things, he, the first Monkees movie that they produced is called Head. That's the name of the movie. And the reason it's called Head is because they wanted their next movie to say, from the producers that gave you head. That's great. That's great. That's just fun. That's just fun and they should let us do stuff like that. HBO fought me so hard in 2019 because I wanted to call my special butt munch.

Yeah, I could see them not doing it. But they was arguing with you. I know all those. Yeah. They were like absolutely. They were being nice, but they were being very diplomatic and like, well, is there anything else he's excited about. Please tell me who it was. It was, but they kept being, they kept trying to be diplomatic about it.

And they were like, I don't know if you want to go there. I don't know if you want to call it. And then I was getting mad about it. And Brian Six and I were sitting in the helium. What about mutt bunch? That's what I thought. I thought mutt bunch.

Right. And then I thought no, because in the joke, I had a thing where I said when kids were little, they'd go butt munch and then I grow up and I go, oh, I do eat ass. So it does,

I am a butt munch. But they were like, no, no, no. And then I got mad at him. And I was like, either we're going to call it butt munch or I'm going to call it a dance odor, Columbine 2, the electric chute-a-loo and they were like no they were like I tried to give them a red herring

and they're like the chute-a-lou and they were like absolutely not and that was my manager at the time went come on dude like give me something else and I was like fine whatever call it after the fucking edinburgh show I don't give a shit like a shoot-aloo call them buying to electric chudaloo and I said the poster would be me and Shane like eric and tim with the fucking Tim Eric Harrison Dylan Klebold with the fucking... I just saw Tim in that movie, him. Oh, is he? Yeah, he's very good in it.

Did you like it? No. Okay. No. I mean, I like... We're talking about the new Marlon Wayans movie where they take up. Marlon's great in it. I've heard that.

He's really good in it. It's the... I've heard visually it's great. I love horror movies. I'm a big... I get scared. I don't get scared ever. I just...

I felt that it got away from them. I went to see. it with my kid at the drive-in. I got very excited because they marketed it from the mind of Jordan Peel. He's a producer. He didn't direct or write it. And it's like kind of like, oh. From the production deal of Jordan Peel.

Yeah, it's like in comic books where they go like Superman's going to be in this issue and then he stops to go, talk to my friend this. And you go, oh, fuck, dude. Or when I was a kid, Superman would come in and sell you a host of fruit pie. Yeah, I did. The back page. And you know, this is why he's sticking around?

Hulk love cherry pie. Hulk, calm down, Bruce, don't like cherry pie. Hulk do. It was one of the funniest little weird cartoon. I've never seen a cartoon in the New Yorker that I've laughed out except maybe for this one. And it's at a psychiatrist office and he's lying on the couch and the psychiatrist goes, we know Hulk smash.

The question is why Hulk's match? It's very fun. That is very fun. And yeah, that's again, that's like an angle of a thing of like, oh yeah, Bruce Banner would probably be in therapy. Yeah. And you don't have empathy. You don't have empathy with, like, superheroes.

Lois Lane would be dead after fucking Clark Kent. Yeah, Mallrats made that. Yeah. Kevin Smith perfectly nailed that in Mallrats where I believe it's Jay and Silent Bob are talking about that. Yeah. And he says it would go through her back like a shotgun blast. Like if he came in her.

I think that's what Jay says. He said it would be like a 12 gauge through it back, which is like, perfect. She couldn't handle it. That was one of the things that I loved when I first read Garth Ennis's The Boys Before the Television Show. When I first read the boys, the thing that made me go like, oh, was they were going, soups can't fuck humans. They'll kill them.

And then they had the full book of them on the island where they have like the hedonism thing. Right. Where they fuck and they like just send hookers for the flash to fuck and kill. And you're like, that is how it would be. That's always what I've liked about Garth Ennis is that he does this thing where he takes a real thing that has never been in common. books before like he did punisher born which is just a single issue punisher but it's the best punisher because it's not punisher going the mafia killed my family now i got to punish them it's not like that on the nose he does a whole thing where frank castle is in vietnam and he's

on this hill in the viet Cong or swarming him and he says like you get me out of this god and i will be your instrument of punishment and then that's how you get it where you go oh yeah this is like, that would be a war vet. It's why I liked Rambo. Right, right, right, right, yeah. A war that would snap. Well, that was the thing that drove me crazy in the, in the Tim Burton Batman, when they made Joe Chill the Joker.

Yeah. Because he wasn't. He's just a gangster. Right. And it changed it from young, by the way, this conversation is the leading cause of vaginal dryness. Oh, don't worry. Our lady's clocked out well a long ago.

Yeah. They're like, two pieces of toast you find after. Still on the plate. around dinner time. They subscribe to my Patreon where they sit on a subwar and I just go, oh. Like somebody rubbing two croutes together.

Very rubbery vaginas right now. What happened was it changed Bruce Wayne's theory to this happened to me it will never happen to another child to I'm going to get revenges. Yeah, revenge and Batman isn't revenge.

And it wasn't about revenge. It was like, I'm not going to let this happen to any other child. Yeah, and they don't, And that's like the thing about comic books that I always have loved. It's like it brings up nerd debate in a way where it's not, I think from the outside looking in, you go,

holy shit, that's the nerdiest thing ever. But then if you get into it, you go, these are actually like very good points that you're just arguing about. I'm a big Star Trek guy. The other day, my wife walked through the room on the phone,

I was texting somebody. I was literally saying, that class of enterprise did not have a holiday. Yeah, that's great. That's like when Katie will catch me talking about pro wrestling with like St. Germain or something and I'll go, listen, I think Eddie Guerrero does the triple German suplexes better than anybody, but you just have to give it to Chris Benoit, was crisp in the ring. And Jesus Christ, it's comic book nerdum and pro wrestling nerdum, dry up vagina's similar.

If you're all out of comic book nerddom, I recommend pro wrestling nerd. I do like that they cross-pollinate. Yeah, they do. And there's also, there's a thing that's going back to what you and Bobcat talk about, about how you had these families that wanted you to hunt and you just said no, because you knew who you were. I found incredibly, like, useful when I finally met pro wrestling fans that were like, I'm not afraid to talk about it. I like it.

Oh, yeah. And you go, oh, it is, honestly, I know it's way different, but it, there has to be some similarity to, like, if you're a closeted gay and you see a gay man out and you go I want to be like that. Well, you know, that's really interesting. Which is just expressing who you are. I have, one of the things I started doing this year is because

I do this Dr. Z thing. Yeah. I've been doing Dr. Zayas Live, which look it up, it's fucking hilarious. Yeah, it's pretty. And good luck, not thinking of the Simpson song when they did the plane of the agency. By the way, I had nothing to do it. Which is crazy. I know. For a while, I think I thought of that. Yeah, I know it's a pretty Dr. Zias, Dr. Zias. Pretty obvious connection.

but no. But I'm doing conventions. Sure. I had these things called GalaxyCon. Yeah. And the people are great. It's so great. It's been just a beautiful experience.

And we were in, Utah, someplace. Salt Lake City. And it was, you know, it was the first year there, and it was a costume contest, and basically every weirdo in Utah

was in the same building. They've been waiting on it. Yeah. And I felt that they so needed this. And they were together and there were buries and Star Trek people and cosplayers. And I kind of like dig, I was Dr. Z doing like a thing at the costume judging this costume competition. But I did, did a version of that stand-up special. It was like, when people call you weird, you say, yes, I am.

Yeah. I have seen what passes for normal and I don't care for it And they went crazy Because like, yeah, no, you need this They're strength in numbers People need the outlet People need to be around

Which is also like It's funny because you want to talk about empathy And a lot of times people don't empathize With a lot of the far right MAGA guys Which is in a way they found their Comic-Con They found their red hat And they're like, bro, I love America, and they're like, oh, I love America.

And then they're like, you're like, fucking Eagles. And it's like, and then you have all these people that aren't in it. If you're not in the Magoo, you go, like, let the fucking, you go, you guys, you go, you guys. You're doing the thing that you did to comic book nerds or wrestling fans or anybody and gay people. And you go, like, hey, guys, everybody, everybody, just was supposed to be a part of something. Just let them be a part of it. And then the second that you, you don't give it credit is the second you give it more power. Because then they go, well, then I'm going to fucking really, you know.

Right. Like that's really true. That's really true. And no one gives them that credit because no one wants to do empathy. Right. Dude, listen, I have family from the Bay Area. I have family from Colorado that's very conservative. As far as the political spectrum goes, I got everybody in my family.

The one thing I've noticed is with like, especially MAGA movement, not giving them that like, yeah, cool, whatever, man. and diffusing it is what makes it worse in any situation. Look at like, you look at like, what makes it worse. Like when you go like, shut the fuck up.

You guys are crazy. Get the fuck out of here. You call them crazy and they go like, well then fuck you. Right. But if you just go, yeah, yeah, whatever,

like because my family has the full spectrum in the sense of it as me and everyone else. And that's the full spectrum. That's almost weird because I, well, not weirder. I would almost say that's even better.

But I get along with everybody. But you can get, you can like bring your perspective and go, If I like this, this is like, they, it's literally, and I have a friend who says this, it's really true, he's a political consultant. Sure. A Republican political consultant who, in his words, got kicked out of the Republican Party

for failing to renounce algebra. Yeah. Yeah, which is, that's also a problem where you go, guys, we still need to learn our, well, it's the three hours. We've gone from, I'm right, you're wrong. Yeah. To I'm right, you're evil. Yeah, you kids.

Yeah. That's what we've got, yeah, that's what we've got a. It's so broken. It's profitable. That's very broad. That's the problem. There's too much money. But you got to let go of it.

Because the second you like sit with them and you go, oh, you're not like, I have like, I have family that like go to the rallies and shit. And then we hang out and it's never brought up. And you go, you know, I would never even know. But it's almost like, imagine being like this is always what interests me where we talk about oral Roberts and stuff. You have all these Pentecostal preachers that are like. homosexuality and they always get caught fucking dudes because they don't let it out yeah just let out

your nerd shit yeah let out whatever you're holding on to yeah dude trust me in the age of the internet you will find somebody that is into your shit like just fucking let it rip yeah and there's you see at these guys you see a good deal of furries and i don't get it no by also Skin on skin feels great. I can't imagine what mascot suit on mascot suit feels like. The perfect example. But no, no my business.

By the way. No, no my business. I'll tell you right now. God bless him. If putting on a fox tail, if putting a butt plug with a fox tail on my butt made me rock hard. Go.

Welcome to my fox tail closet. Yeah. Go. I have a little fucking spin thing like a tie design. Yeah. With different butt plugs with fox tails on it. Oh, Foxtail rag.

Oh, Foxtail rag. Move those fox tail. Backtail from side to side. Put it in my fuck to tail. Then I get fucked. But like, dude, I, like, to me, the, the thing is in the age of what we're in right now. There's something for everybody.

So stop trying to act like yours is better than it. Yeah. And just let it. Because you just got to go, like, like, the way that I'm into, like, wrestling or, like, even fucking stand-up. Because I talk stand-up. There's guys that are into stand-up that aren't into stand-up. Sure.

So you start nerding out with them. And they're kind of like, they go, they're just like, yeah. Yeah. dude, I don't know, I'm trying to sell out like theaters and arenas and you go, oh, I'm trying to talk like, I'm trying to talk early fucking, you know, like, all those people immensely more successful than I am. This is the only business where you go, I got, I came to baked delicious cakes. And someone went, I'm going to change the world through marketing.

Yeah. And then you look like you do the thing. And they do win because they're better at marketing. Yeah, they're there. But my whole thing is also fucking let them then. And if that's what they want, this is the whole point of everything. It's like, if they're into marketing and they want to have like large groups, listen to them talk, good.

We're not doing the same thing. And there's a, I'm going to recommend a book. Yeah. To you. We always like to do book recommendations. It's called Cults Like Us. Okay. By Jane Borden.

Okay. Who lives right here in L.A. She'd be a great guess. Yeah. She takes it from the, the, did you know that this country was started by, a doomsday cult that we now refer to as the Pilgrims.

Yeah, it's crazy. They were in Doomsday cult. Yeah. And she takes it all the way up. And what you realize is, and that's the beautiful thing about this book is,

always be like, I love America. Like you, the thing that you love about America has never existed. Yeah. It's just always been a thing

where it's like, in movies or, we have always been a shattered mirror. Yeah. That we try to get a good angle on ourselves and which is fine in the sense that it's aspirational we haven't lost this thing that we had no and we are now bad and not good enough we have to get it back we have always been a three-legged circus dog with clown makeup on it's and we're just trying to do a little bit better

every day. It reminds me of when you realize that your parents were once young and fucked and had you and didn't know what they were doing. And then you go, no, they always were mom and dad and they always knew. Moms knew that I needed soup when I was sick. And you go, no, she was a 36 year old lady going, fuck, fuck, I got to get my work done. Smoking. He's fucking kids throwing up all over. But in my head, I go, well, mom isn't great anymore. It's like, well, mom's 77. now. She's different. She doesn't make dinner every night. You just, it's all about perspective. Colin Quinn did an

awesome New York story. It's a Netflix special, which if you haven't seen it, please watch it. Where he basically goes through the history of New York, through the immigrants that come. So he starts with the Dutch, then he does the Irish, the Italians, and then he does the Jews, the blacks,

and he like talks about how each And all of them were in the barrel. All of them. They all, but he does this great thing in New York story where he shows you where the New York attitude came from which group. And he, like, talks about growing up, you know, like in Brooklyn with Italians,

and he's like, oh, their family, their abuse is like an opera in the street. And he, like, talks about it. And you go, yeah, this all makes sense. And I love shit like that. When they break it down. Yeah. And it's all, everybody, it's always been crazy.

Everyone's trying. No one knows what they're doing and everyone's trying. Yeah. And if. Like even our Constitution, which, I'm plugging all, calling shit unconstitutional.

He said it best. He goes, those are drunks. They might as well have written our constitution on a bar napkin. Right. Because they were at the bar all the time. Well, there's a great meme. I wish I knew who wrote it was like,

the Bible, a 2,000-year-old book written by a group of men who didn't know where the sun went at night. Yeah, that'll have all the answers. Yeah, you know what's funny is I always think about this now that what's his name? Jimmy Swaggart just died. And I'm obsessed with these preachers that

because my obsession is with it is they talk so confidently like they talk to God and they don't know. No. You've got to look up on YouTube, Robert Tilton farting. Done.

Done. And thank me. I will. I am absolutely going to reach out to you. Thank you. Because when Jimmy Swagger, like I said, Katie and I get high

and we watch these religious channels and they do like Jimmy Swaggart live from the Congo in like 86. Yeah. And it's a soccer stadium sold out with all these African people. and he's in a he's in a thick suit sweating going Jesus will forgive you if you do this stuff

and I just want the ring cam of when he goes to heaven and St. Peter's like when did you talk to God? We've got some financial statements here. Yeah. It says here you were billing them for us. Yeah, my biggest fear when I die

is that I have to stand in front of children who starved while I was alive and read them my eBay purchases. There we go. Oh, God, this one's really going to hurt. Transformers Coffee Mug, 1986, 79999. Both the original Hot Wheels carrying a case. Yeah, me going like, I bought a DLC pack for WW2K25 for 2999.

And Apple would have fed my family for a week. And it's just like a fly on the kid's eye and you're like, yeah, but you get it? I wanted the attire that came in that pack. Yeah, exactly. I don't know, man. I, the more internet we get and the more avenues of information we get, it all comes back to the same thing, which is that we're all full as shit. Yes.

And that we're all figuring it out. Yeah. And that's always what I love versus like now the whole thing is, um, there's a huge market of I know the answer and I'll tell you the answer. And I always think it's refreshing to know. No one knows the answer. No one knows. That's why I always old people when they're dead.

They're like, or when they're dying. My grandma died last year at 97 and being. around in that home a lot, what I saw were people that were ending the ride going like, oh, fuck, I don't know where this goes. I've only been on this ride for 87 years. Yeah. No, my dad is 95. And he's no shit.

Yeah, they get to this point where they're like, I'm fucking scared. Yeah. They're like, I'm fucking scared. And you're like, that's crazy. Because back in your 50s, you were pretty fucking confident. It is interesting, you know. My dad and I, and I, I spent a lot of time a couple years ago. I spent a lot of time with Mel Brooks.

I mean, one of the greatest of all the time. I mean, the reason I do comedy. We worked with them for about a year. I was the thing. And when you're, he was 92 at the time. Yeah. When you're that age, my dad and Mr. Brooks, when you're that age, someone you know dies every day. Yeah, I had a joke on my Comedy Central hour about my grandma has the energy.

of a gang leader because they're the only people would go like hey people get bust up in these streets but my grandma would be like yeah we lost Nancy last week and it's just like the same

where they'd be like hey big toke big too got took out shout out of you we love you it was like the same like and we're just playing gin rummy

and my grandma's like oh yeah Barb died and you're like I saw Barb at Thanksgiving and she goes yeah showed up dead last week

yeah you discard and you're like there's like this calmness yeah they just go but their own mortality is like

very It's like knocking on the door. And they're kind of like... Yeah, my dad is not like this. Really, my dad is... It's actually too Gothic and Baroque. Yeah, I like his... I didn't even know how to tell this.

Yeah. My mom's ashes are in and urn on the mantel piece and his go in next to them. And he just stares at it every day and watches old cowboy shows on grit. And that's his life. And then he just looks at his wife and it. Yeah, and knowing that he...

It's like, it's like I get the apartment B, and one day I'll go in there. And it's like having your casket in the living room. That is crazy. Yeah, we keep umbrellas in it now. Do you want to sleep in your gasket? And he goes, well, honestly, cut out the middle, man. Listen, I'm just saying, would be a good idea if you're going to sleep there eternally. Sure.

Maybe the last two years of your life, you sleep in the gasket just to get the feel for it. And what my dad does, it really talked much. But he watches Cowboy shows. And at the end of the show, he will say the name of the show. So if you're in the house, at the top of the hour, you'll just hear from upstairs. Roy Hyde an hour later Benanza

That's so funny He's like Have gunwheel Yeah that's why And you go Oh dad's up Yeah he's up Yeah it was

It was interesting Watching my grandma Kind of like She lived by herself Until she was 96 And then when she had to move away She was kind of like That took her out of it

And I talked to a doctor And they said You take him out of their house and it spends them. She got COVID and she was in the hospital. And when she got out, I said, so what do you think? Do we put her in a home?

She's 96. And the doctor was like, no. He's like, what I've noticed is you put her back in her house. And by the way, she could still bop around and do everything. Yeah. No, my mom had dementia and she was at a facility.

My brother called it Heaven's waiting room. Yeah, it is crazy. That's the feeling you get. Yeah. We just go in there and you go, what the fuck? Yeah. It was brutal.

But people open in the morning, you just hear all again. Again? Again. Another day? What? I talk about my grandma dying in my hour right now, but the line that I cut out is about that guy across her hall that I talked about, about when the nurse is telling me about

movie night and the guys across the hall going, I want to go home, let me go home. And the nurse is talking to me and she goes, Tuesdays we do movies. It's like bouncing right off her and she's just staying in it and you're like, you're a fucking soldier. But it is, it's like, you see people that old and you go, okay, well, we're. Well, if they don't have the answer. Because I would feel better. I think it would be a little better if you were older.

And old people are like, oh, no. And I die and I go to heaven and this is what happens and fucking. But instead you're like, no, we don't know. Might be dart. That's why I won't do DMT. I won't do DMT because people have said that it is, you know, I like drugs and I love hallucinogenics. But DMT, people are like, what is the, you could smoke it. And you could do other ways of doing it.

But it is the chemical, your brain. releases when you die. Oh. And people have found a way to like smoke it or take it or whatever. And they all have this very. Of course they have. They turned it into a vape. Yeah.

That's where we're at. They found the thing that chimps feel when they orgasm. Of course. I'll do. I'll overdo it. What's it called chimp gasp? Of course. Chim cum.

But it is. And people have asked me, friends of mine have done DMT and they're like, hey, do you want to do DMT? And I said, the only reason I don't is on the off chance that there is nothing when we die. I don't want to do DMT and that's heaven. And I go, oh, well, I unwrap my Christmas presents before Christmas. Well put. Well put. And you're like, now I know what heaven is. And so this doesn't make it fun. My fear with all of that. And I tell you, I'm on, no, no, I have never done anything. Really? I have never done anything. I got drunk on beers in 1980. I threw up and that was up. I'm good.

I will occasionally have a beer if I'm eating something that it goes well with. Like a Brought worst. Like, or a fish and chips or pizza like something. But by and large, I've never done anything. I'm not sober, nor do I judge people that do. I just grew up surrounded by it. Eyeball deep in everything. Then I went into comedy where I saw more drugs than the Eagles roadies.

I mean, you went into comedy when Blow was. I watched Sam Kennison do four, four inch lines of blow, throw up and go on. stage. It's like, I don't, there's nothing that's going to. I can't even have a Caesar salad before I go. Yeah, me neither. Me neither. I mean, he said, if you don't throw up, you're doing it wrong. And then he went on stage. It was very funny. That is very funny. You don't throw up, you're doing it wrong. Also, he was empty stomach on that much blow. Yeah. He was cloud nine. He was. That boy, that boy was, that boy was humming. He was humming. But my wife wants me to do some kind of mushrooms or something. I'm like, nah, I don't, I'm the only guy on

earth whose wife thinks that they don't do enough drugs. That's very funny. Yeah. Mine's like, come on, take it easy. You smoke a little too much weed. Yeah.

Come on. Let's just do you. Yeah. I think that's awesome. I am the opposite. I don't think I can go more than a day without a substance and not want to fight everybody. I drink 40 cups of coffee a day. That's it.

I do. We're going to get some coffee here in a second. Yeah. Oh, I love coffee. So, yeah, I do the David Lynch thing. I drink coffee and then I meditate.

Did you ever smoke cigarettes? Never smoked a cigarette. I was on a TV show where I had to smoke a, like a clove cigarette that looked like a real cigarette. That was it. No, no, no, no, real cigarettes. Where on the show, I shot the guy that played Joe Chill in Batman Begins. Oh, look at that.

It all comes back around. Which my dad thought, that was the greatest. I didn't, what a shot. I didn't really shoot him. It was a fake gun, man. He was going to fall wherever the thing made the noise. Ride. Right.

But it was the only thing I've ever done was a show called Mob City. It was the only thing I've ever did. My dad thought was cool. That's fucking awesome. You need one. Yeah. You always need one. My mom thought billions was really cool.

My mom's very supportive. Sure, of course. But you need the one. Paul Giamati. Yeah, I mean, that was the Giamati and Damien Lewis. Those guys were fucking the man. Everybody, I'm friends with somebody who's friends with the Giamati. And they say he's great, but he's also like a super nerd.

Like he loves Planet of the Apes. He loves all those stuff. Dude, he shows up and you, you don't, I'm sure this happens a lot in L.A., but it happens. I just know in New York where you don't, it doesn't register. Ethan Hawk walks by. you just go like, I look like Ethan Hawk. And you know, like Paul Giamatti, you don't even realize.

And you go, that's fucking Paul Giamatti. Right. Because he's just like a regular guy in like a dolphin's hat. Right, yeah. And then he's like sitting there. He's like, hey, Dan. And you're like, oh, you're one of the greatest actors ever. And his dad.

Former Archieemite, the man who bounced Pete Rose. Yep, of MLB, which I talked to him about. Yeah. It took me a couple years before I was like, can we talk about your dad being commissioner? And he's like, absolutely. And I think he's doing a movie about Art Bell. Oh, yeah. Paul is.

Yeah. which is that again like more obscure yeah more obscure for me yeah he's Paul's the fucking man yeah you're the man I appreciate you coming on Dana I've been this is so fun this is so fun yeah you are hilarious your stand-up is so good thank you uh you've always been so funny and I I mean this from the bottom of my heart that 2014 just for last thing really fucking thank you very much it's brain ointment for me and a lot of other comedians when you feel lost as fuck an easier talk to talk than walk to walk, but I try. Yeah, but it is good.

It's a good thing. And if you're a young comic and you're, like, struggling with it, go read Dana's speech because he does make the point that I think everyone knows if you're doing comedy and you're a comic, you made it.

You've made it. Yeah, you've done it. This is it. You've done it. And check out, go, go watch this special, perfectly normal on YouTube and watch everything he does because Danny Gould's fucking hilarious.

Thank you.