Soder - 111: Dead Dads with Ian Fidance | Soder Podcast | EP 109

Episode Date: December 9, 2025

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Hey, everybody. I want to thank you for coming and seeing me on the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour. You know, the last date of 2025 is in Royal Oak, Michigan, December 13th. But we are, we've announced the second leg. It starts up in February, February 13th in Orlando, then February 14th in Tampa, going to be in Buffalo, February 28th, Boston, March 6th, Philly, March 7th. Go to Dan Soder.com. The whole second leg. All the way through April is on sale. All available at danceorder.com. Just click on the touring button, and there you go. Thank you for listening to the podcast. I'm sorry, I burped.

When I get excited, I burp a lot. It just happens. It's gross, but, you know, you're not in the room. I ain't blowing it in your face. Dancer.com for tickets. I fucking love you guys. And that's exactly what corporates are Yeah

When you get a corporate They go like The corporate of corporate Yeah when they get a corporate They'll go like Court And I did them a lot Early in my career

Especially when I first started Headlining And like the agency would get them Especially when billions started I'd get a lot of like Finance bros That wanted to see me do an hour And then I would do it

And they would be like Not good Because they'd be like Well we don't want you to make fun of us You want you to just like Be the guy from the show So I did it a couple times Before I was like

Oh, these corporates aren't worth the money. I was a fucking corporate gig. And I was told, you're not allowed to say this. You're not allowed to say that. Don't cuss. Don't say this. But, but, but, but. So when I go do it, it's fine.

And then afterwards, all these old white dudes came up and like, you're on the front lines of free speech. You just got to go out there and say it. And I go, you're the dickhead that told me I can't say X, Y, and Z. And they're like, well, you know, in this environment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's always weird when, like, you, that's like the feeling of a friend's parent-wise. watching your comedy and then they go like I love all the sex stuff you did and you go you what you're like weird I wouldn't even allow to watch yeah like cinemax at your house yeah yeah yeah we'd a curfew yeah what are you talking about that's weird when you grow up to see your friends parents as just adults as just like older adults there's like when the authority of them leaves oh yeah well even seeing your own parent like that yeah like your mom and you though you're since we both have dead dads when your dad dies your mom cuts you a lot of

black your mom is like i need that's the problem i needed some my mom was like oh you get high in the garage and now i'm like oh i am addicted to weed oh yeah if i behaved in front of my stepdad's family she would give me a cigarette and a beer yeah she'd be like go get it so you deserve it how old are you in the backyard like you have a stepdad yeah they divorced they divorce they divorced how old were you when they got dude they started dating when i was in sixth grade and then got married and didn't tell me because they didn't want to me to think anything was like different how old was your dad when you died he was 37 how were you you were eight you're eight so your mom started dating three years later he turned he turned 37 10 days before he died so he was like newly 37 damn

and I've outlived him have you outlived your dad my dad's 48 that so I'm 42 right now so I got six four years it's crazy I've thought about that since he died really fucking weird outliving your dad so you're 38 I'm 40 you're 40 yeah was the 38 birthday the one who's strange that you're like strange because another thing and this is for all the people in the ddc and the dead dad club the when you're the thing that I have hit is where your dad is dead longer than he was alive in your life oh that so you were 16 I yeah for me I was I was 29 because I was 14 when my dad died so when I hit 15 years right having my dad dead I was like like that's crazy he's been dead longer than he was alive in my life yeah you never think about that

that's like a real it just puts it in perspective well it's also like these milestones keep coming up in a way that you don't imagine like you know that he died in 93 and there's still these like weird milestones i never even thought of that are coming up that you have to face and yeah kind of deal with but someone someone the other day asked me if I ever get sad still and I was like you know I don't really it's it's like the the emotion hits me and and I don't allow it to control me with grief. I almost like recognize it, acknowledge it and then move,

like let it move through me rather than let it consume me. Yeah, I mean, I think, in a way that used to absolutely consume me. Oh, it did. Oh, completely.

I would ignore it. I would just ignore it and get fucked up. Yeah. And be like, ah, he died, but who cares, I'm alive.

Whoa. That's a thing. I would ignore it, ignore it. I, we never, when my dad died, we never talked about it.

You and your mom never talked about it? Dude, the, the first time we talked about, they died was Christmas 2019. No way. No way. How did you bring that up?

Were you just like unwrapping a present? You go, remember when dad died? Dude, it was like this crazy. You're like, oh my God, a Lufa, Casal Lufth. Remember Dad died? Remember how Lufus didn't exist when he was alive? That's crazy. Dad would have loved Lufus. Yeah, he would have loved Lufus. Too bad he died. Yeah. How did he get brought up?

Well, we would talk about him obviously but we never talked about the specifics of that day yeah because your dad died suddenly of a heart attack no he died at work in an accident and so my mom had to i thought he died of a heart so my mom had to drive to philly to pick up his work truck and then drive his work truck back alone and then she told me like all this shit like when when she had to identify the body she flipped out she locked the door and they had to break in they had to like uh hit her with like a shot and knock her out because she like she like didn't believe you was dead no dude she like destroyed everything in the hospital and then she'd go home and tell her eight-year-old son that her you're an only child

I'm an only child fuck and she was a she was a teacher's assistant um in uh the grade below me and so I'm going to the bathroom this girl comes up she goes are you Ian finance I go yeah and she goes oh your dad died your mom went to go find him that's how you found out what she's like yeah there was an accident and and I just started screaming Wait, that's how you found out? Yeah, and they had to come get me. And then the teacher was like, no, no, no, she's there, there's confusion. She's retarded. She's got to go to a different school.

We're sending her to a retard school. They had to put her in the back of her head. She's like, Ian's father's not the only one dying today. Sorry, this is Philly rules. You can't reveal the death. Did you? My aunt died the day before. Oh.

So they. Your mom's sister? No, my dad's, my dad's, my dad's aunt, my great aunt. Okay, my grand aunt. And so we were all, like, the house the day before, and we were all, like, being, like, morbid about, like, death and everything. And my dad even said, he's like, boy, you better hope I go before your mom. Because if it's you and me, you're going to be in for a world of hurt.

That's really funny. Because my mom was, like, you know, very, like, oh, Lucy Goosey. Do you ever think about that? About what it would have been like if your mom died, not your dad? Oh, dude. My life would have, I wouldn't be here. I'd be dead. I had to go live with my dad.

If my mom would have died, first off, I want to say, big shout out to Trish. You can always see the comments in the comments. Someone commented on the Stavros episode a while ago that her birthday was coming up. Motherfucker, you're way past her birthday. Stop happening like, you know when Trish's birthday is, motherfucker, because you were way off. So, but thank you. Dude, that's such a good mom. You've got Trish.

I got Gail. Gail and Trish. Yeah. Jay's mom's name was Terry. And I was like, so we made a, someone made a sweatshirt that was called T&T size queens. And it was two women doing the predator handshake. Trish and Terry size queens. I'm trying to find that logo.

If you have that, please DM it to me again. Because I gave my mom a mug. I don't think she understands what a size queen is. Because she's just like, I love my mug that your fan made. And I'm like,

it means you love huge cock. But I think about, I think about like, if I were like you, like at middle school and then they're just like, hey, your mom died. I would have been like,

well, I have to move to California. I would have to have moved to Lake California. And then I would have had to live with my dad and my grandma and my life would have been no offense to Lake County. I did have some good times there. It is a shit hole. Yeah. I would have been on meth. I would have been on meth by the time I was like in a freak fist fighting accident with my dad. That's so funny. You guys would have taken each other over the edge. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Once you would have got big enough to threaten him. You go off. But I think about like it's obviously I was very. very sad my dad died we didn't he didn't he didn't live with us like your dad lived with you i always felt way worse for kids whose dads died who were in the house because for me it was like i think i paid for it not in a worse way but in a different way of like not knowing him so for me

what it hurt was like your life got changed your dad just didn't come home that day oh yeah my life was like damn we never got the chance to fix it like i was like oh we could have fixed it. And then you could have died. And then I could have had this. Did you search for dads elsewhere? Like were you always trying to find like my guy. Until last year, until my therapist broke it to me, it was like,

I've talked about this before on podcast so I don't want to do it again. But I had this thing with older comedians that I worshipped, like Louis, Chappelle and Burr, where I really was like hurt that none of them mentored me. And I was really hurt that none of them ever compliment. me. Yeah. I was at the cellar. I was at all these places and I'd had all these stories of my friends being like, oh, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then it was in therapy that my therapist was like, yeah, that's just your dad. And then you go, and then now I don't give a shit. Now they're like Chappelle and you're like, cool. Yeah. Good for Chappelle and Louie. But there is like, I think

that was what fucked me up was like searching for a dad. Also, I really wanted all of my mom's boyfriends to work out. I wanted that. For a second, I thought you meant like way. I would love that. That's an interesting request. They have a better physique. Trish is up at 4 in the morning. Mark, would you kill you to do some push-up?

Keith, could you do some weights? Trish is running every morning. Dude, I remember I saw Goodfellas and this guy named Al came to pick up my mom for a date and I answered the door with a baseball bat

and I was like, if you touch my mother, I'm going to break your legs. And then he goes, and that's when that Al guy went, you know that pussy's good. He goes, this kid's defending it like that? dude i i i walked in the basement and they were kissing and i ran away from home i ran to my grandparents did you ever like did you like your stepdad when your mom started

dating him no and i you give him a chance no i i was very uh much an asshole and i've reconciled it and he loved my mom and my mom's side of the family and did the best he could i was very difficult but it michael jordan could have been my stepdad i don't have been like i fucking hate you fuck you you know but my mom like trying to sell him to me like he had like a leprechaun tattoo on his ankle she's like ian he's cool he's missing half of his ear from a motorcycle so funny fuck him i don't give me shit yeah can you do a backflip on a motorcycle yes would that make it better yeah yes dude i he i just the our first like real interaction he tried to have a catch with me and that was like me and my dad saying and i just wanted to be like dude chill

all right but he was trying He was trying. Did you say yes to the catch? He brought me to the, dude, he brought me to the baseball field, and we were talking in the car. He was like, let's go have a catch. We threw the ball like twice, and I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. And they just, like, brought me back home. Did he know it was what you did with your dad?

Yes. My mom told him, like, have a catch with him. That'll, you know. Put it on some of his dad's clothes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to love his clone. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Take him to the beach as you and him like him and his dad used to do. Have a paper cut out of his face. Put this over. his face. Make you still balding up top. Do it. They're in the bathroom going to be here. Yeah, look at your dad.

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one day our fucking cousin eans is not around anymore yeah when did you how old were you when you reached out to them um well i i had like written letters and stuff and it never got there and they like wrote to me and it never got to me who does that who does the intercepting who does the intercepting who does the answer you're your mom but you're fucking tooth fairy no my mom what about them what about their your my mom would look in the mail come on dale dude she my my yo it was such a massive tragedy sure that at 40 my age now she lost her husband her son is is a fucking lunatic and anytime we would be around anyone that was in his life we would come home and I would cry she'd be upset and she was like this can't happen and so instead of addressing the grief she just was like we're shutting that

out defense and that's what it is yeah and I can't blame her you know and your mom opened up at all to grieving your dad like as you've gotten old like I know you guys talked in 2019 yeah but do you see like what I was really impressed with my mom was when my dad died and obviously they had been divorced for like nine years hadn't spoken didn't like each other much yeah but what I watched was I watched my mom not hate him anymore which was obviously way different than your your parents were together when he died but like watching my mom go like I'm not mad like yeah whatever what's the point of being mad at well my mom's mad at him for leaving my So that's what I'm like, if I could grab your dad right now,

I would beat the shit out of them for leaving him with me. That's what I find interesting. It's like a reverse. Yeah. Like it like cooled the beef my mom and I, my mom had with him. Yeah. But for your mom,

it creates a problem. Well, it was this thing like they, they would argue a lot and I'm pretty sure like, look, they like loved each other. And it's, it's before my dad left for work,

every day he'd write me a letter. Yeah. So I have stacks of these yellow legal pad letters. And it would always be like a letter to me about like the day before and like what we were looking forward to doing. And then it'd be like, P.S. Thank you, dear, for the lunch or whatever, just like an afternoon. And so I have like stacks of these. But I've read them and it's like really cute to see like the little like love notes he'd leave to my mom and everything. So like they would fight a lot when I was younger.

And then like for the past like two years of his life, it was so idealic. Like come home from work. I'd run out. The dog would run out. Jump in his arms. he'd be all-time quarterback the neighborhood kids would come over you have that great picture of him holding you up in the car yeah and it's like you literally and it was like that all the time and so when he died I think my mom felt guilt of like fuck we used to argue a lot and for what and so like she and they were like getting like they wasted time so well like dude within like six months before he died they were going on like date nights and like really like finding love again and then it was taken away and I think that really like fucked my mom and And so again, it was like self-preservation, you know, like she, she couldn't be around it.

And I had some family members come back into my life later and they were like, I'm sorry, we left you, but your mom was very depressed and we just couldn't be around it. And I was like, yeah, well, how do you think I feel, dickhead? Thanks for leaving me with her. Hey, yeah, that lady's a wreck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's leave that little impressionable child with her. Yeah, let's leave the kid a lost and alone who keeps, who people keep disappearing from his life. He'll be fine.

That's the conversation. They go, I mean, she's really bad. You go, and Ian's worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Later, Gator. Yeah, yeah, we couldn't deal with you screaming at sleepovers to be picked up by your family. I always think about different, I always

think about different scenarios of like your mom goes and gets your dad's work truck, right? And then he's driving at home. But I'm just like a regular guy in Philly. But she didn't know that the horn was changing. Wee-w-w-wam. She's sobbing. It's a horn.

What? but like the thought of her like behind your dad's like at the wheel of your dad's work truck and then I'm like a guy in Philly driving home and it's like eh-uh and you're like move it bench and you're just like sobbing just crying damn why they ain't paying their employees listening to tears in heaven just on the stereo is there was there any music that came out when he died that still fucks you up that's what happens to people lose people songs will come out and you're like well cool now you're tied to this well horrific event in my i mean dude i found all of his old tapes and i found journals of his that he

wrote in his 20s so like damn dude i put a lot of pen to paper bro it he like wrote poetry he was like the most righteous coolest dude and he had i found all his old records i found all these old tapes that he made of like mixed tapes from different records did he have like a lame name name for him like super awesome like Thunderbird 97 yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah beat the sheets

dirty dick mix I'm like dad what's sweat tape 5 yeah let's remember to all these pull out 7 what is that about he goes busting nuts 17 but dude I he I'm telling you like even after he died we had such a connection for me to learn who he was through his journals that's incredible through his music and like even reading his journals dude i found that he was a really bad fucking i he he was sober when he died he got sober before i got born but he was

an intravenous drug user he was an alcoholic he had dude he used to have so many DUIs that he would like buy used cards without like a title so he wouldn't have to register it and get like yeah yeah yeah work around so like that's how he read all this shit That's how you know booze rules. And I read how he struggled to get sober and how he got sober, like in, in his own words. And then I went through this. It was, dude, it feels surreal to read this stuff. Do you have all of those?

They have it all. Together and safe. Damn, that's incredible. I know. Because I, my dad didn't leave anything. And then I, my, he lived with my, he was like a real bad alcoholic. He, like, live with my grandma. And then, like, he died.

And I would stay in the room that he lived in when I was. I would visit her and so I'd just be like bored at her house and I start going through drawers and that's when I found out he had DUIs that's when I found out like I found all this shit just like rummaging through stuff I was just going to my grandmas and it was like but I didn't find any diaries of him being smart I just found like I found out he dated a nurse so we could get clean needles like he was he was he was he was a fucking smart dude yeah and this is wild too I found somehow an ex-girlfriend has found me on Facebook the woman he dated before my mom and we connected and she told me these stories about

my dad she lived in long island he used to ride his motorcycle up to new york and like wanted to settle down she was like no like i want to still be like a young whatever and so then like he ended up being like well i can't be in this with you and so then he started kind of like wanting to settle down more it was crazy did your mom know that you talked to the ex-girlfriend was she cool with it she was sorry with it but then we we kind of had to stop we had to kind of stop meeting up because it was like very strange very strange there's people that you meet that no she was very kind but it was almost like what is yeah my dad had a half sister that uh I wasn't really close with and I didn't really know and then like I she saw me on billions or something and she was like oh my like emailed me like

oh her son was into my stand up and she was like I'm your aunt and blah blah and I was like I'll give it a shot so there's there's just like when you inherit your parents beef yeah like there's this moment where I was like yeah I don't know if you're ever close like you're not telling me anything I don't know yeah and that's what I'm looking for I was old things I didn't know I was looking for like yeah and and then this story and he was very much like this and they tell me that and I'd be like it was like super sweet it was very nice. I think I cathartically gave her some things because after they broke up, she didn't hear from my dad and then one day found out he died. And then so I was kind of like bridging a gap

of information. She was filling things in with me. You can you provided services for each other. You gave a little bit. I mean, you got a more well-rounded idea of who your dad was. But also like I was like drinking at the time. So I was like showing up fucking hammered like tell me more about She goes, you got your dad's good stuff. You have a piece like this? Oh, what do you think? She goes, by the way, I still got those clean needles. And you're like, yeah, mad little bitch.

I can see why he wanted to not settle that. It's funny because my, you know, me and my cousin Sherry, who lives in New York and she's a comic now, she's the fucking best. Dude, if you ever want to know, like, anything about me growing up, just meet her for five minutes you know be like it all makes sense yeah she and i were like she one of the cousins that got cut off yeah so so it's like it but her dad was my dad's best friend so it wasn't blood it was like the best friend uncle cousin thing right so we got cut off whatever and then it turns out unknowingly we both moved to new york at 18 we both had fucking i was a vicious alcoholic she was a

heroin addict and we did everything together as kids like we got in so much trouble and it's a blessing from my father that we were not together because we would have died and we laugh about all the time like dude if we were hanging out in fucking Claymont Delaware together being two little clay monsters

we'd have been fucking dead dude I'd have been like I can bang more heroin than you you know it is there is like there's there's an interesting thing when you lose touch with people that sometimes you think it sucks and then you realize it's for the best where you go like my

my cousin who was my aunt's daughter my dad's sister's daughter i just never last time i saw her i was like seven years old and i was like she was my sister's age she was 12 years older and i was just like annoying her i was just the annoying little cousin but then we didn't talk until i was in like my late 30s yeah and then i was like oh why don't you come out and then i met her and her kids and now we're in their life and it's like oh this goes way better as us as adults yeah yeah than it was like i probably would have been when i was a teenager i was a loud drunk dickhead yeah like you wouldn't have liked me Yeah.

And then now I'm like older and I've calmed down and I don't drink anymore. I used to carry a dildo around and like smack in the stranger's face. It's like, these people would have hated me. They would have been like, you are embarrassing your father in heaven. It's winter time. It's Mack Weldon time. And Mac Weldon has got that warm kit collection. I'm talking about shirpa fleece jackets, waffle long sleeve Henleys, wool cardigans.

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Dan 20. That's M-A-C-W-E-L-D-O-N.com promo. code day and twill. Do you think you're like I I wonder what my dad would have been like now because now we're seeing like what boomers are turning out like and my dad was like into Rush Limbaugh would like read a lot of Rush Limbaugh books. Dude my dad took me into the voting booth and I remember we both pulled the lever for Clinton together.

Oh really? Yeah. Yeah. See my dad was always like for the underdog my mom was my mom's liberal. My mom voted Rush or Ross Ferrell. That's great. She was like, I just think he's great. Can I finish?

Can I finish? Can I finish? Everyone just does Dana Carvey's in Brazil. Can I finish? Here's a deal. Whoa, do you think your dad would have been a like a fucking anti-vaccing? Yes. Really?

I think it would have been a problem. Because also where he lived rurally in Lake County, that was the first time when I went up there to stay with my grandma. I stayed with my grandma when Obama won in 2008. Like I was at her house when Obama won. My grandma was a Republican, but she was like one of those old Republicans that you're like, I actually think you're a Democrat and you don't know it. Right. Right. But she was like, I'm a Republican, but she didn't, she was, she was like,

Trump would have called her a rhino because she didn't like Trump. But she was absolutely a lifelong Republican. And I didn't know, because we lived in New, if you lived in New York in 2008, you were like, oh, the whole country's voting for Obama. Yeah. It was just like crazy. If you were on the East Coast, you were just like, oh, the whole country like this is going to be a fucking landslide and then it was when i went to visit her was the first time i saw a bunch of mcaine palin uh palin signs where i was like oh shit in fact the uh two nights after obama won the election i was driving to the sacramento airport at night because i was taking like a four a m flight so i had to kind of drive down there a little early and i

went to a gas station and i was bought i was getting a coffee right gas station middle of bum-fuck northern California guy comes in riding a bike with a like an old winter jacket shorts and work boots so it's a court-ordered bike ride a lot of those in Lake County and he got I remember this specifically he went what he the guy behind the counter the guy walks and he's like hey what's up darrell you're like what's going on Larry and I'm making the coffee on the side so I'm taking my time making my coffee and I hear him go well are you think of his new president? And he goes, well, he ain't my president yet.

And he goes, well, he is the president. Like, in my mind, I want to go, we'll use the president elect. So technically he is. But I was like, oh, shit, that's where we're at. Oh, yeah. So knowing my dad and that he liked Rush Limbaugh, he would have been like, you know, I was in a hussy, he would be like, you live in a liberal tard city. I was in a home depot the day after Obama won.

Oh, yeah. And having the guys help me load drywall under the, truck was an interesting conversation so you don't think he's suitable for the position yeah yeah i'm getting in the truck to myself and like oh i haven't heard that word in a while that was like you also that was like when you started seeing that side mouth racism where they go yeah yeah except this one of the rucker yeah yeah yeah yeah oh okay that's where we're at but i think it's like interesting to know my dad like i probably would have to tell him like release the epstein files and my dad would go he's not Bill Clinton's on there too

and like, good, behead him. And he'd be like, no, right, right, right. But I wonder that. Interesting. I wonder what my dad would have been like had he stayed alive. I also think I wouldn't have liked them. I don't think I would have, yeah, because he was a shitty dad. This is something that's interesting about therapy.

You uncover that this is something that me and you specifically have both gone through, even though we're in different situations that my therapist pointed out. And other members of DDC, sound off in the comments, but I'm pretty sure they're right. Right. When you're little and you lose a parent, they are like a superhero because you're looking up to them. Yeah. They're older. They're your version of God. Yeah. Well, you're just like, you know everything. Yeah. Exactly. You're like, you know everything. And then as you get older, like how you see Gail is how I see Trish. Like my mom is a woman in her 70s that's like great at cooking and sweet and loves gardening but she's like i know she watches the podcast sorry to say this she's an old lady

yeah she's like an older lady dude she's not like an old lady but she's like an older lady bro reconciling the passage of time with your mother in just looking at their face and you go you're an older lady such a jarring experience like well it makes you feel 10 times older well i'm still my mom's still in the house i grew up in oh that's wild when i go home to my mom it's these memories and places and things. And sometimes a light will hit a certain way. And I can, like, it blows my mind. Because sometimes she and I have, like, leveled with each other and been like, we've been

through some shit, huh? I mean, that's, it's pretty wild. I will tell you right now that is, look at that other person and that is the same connection you and I have. When you have a, uh, a single mom and an only child, there is a connection there that is weird to explain to other people that Katie, who grew up with married parents and a brother, When she sees the way that my mom and I are, she goes, oh, yeah. She goes, that's intense.

Yeah. Because it's just you too. She's like your whole world or each other. So she sees kind of like, she'll see my mom get like cheer me on. Like, you know, when we're like, we play Nintendo Wii. And my mom will be like, great shot. And then Katie will be like, making fun of me. Because she's like, she's such a boy mom.

That's so cute. She's such a boy mom and she like is proud of me. But it's interesting you say that because I think if we were still in the house I grew up in, that would fuck me up. Yeah. Because I'd be like, oh, we were in this kitchen when I was a little kid

and now you're an older lady. My mom has her own townhouse. So to me, she's just an old lady that's thriving. Yeah. Where I'm like, get it, bitch.

What you want new windows? My mom, like, leads this rag tag group of like widowed women around town because she was like the first of her class to have her husband. Yeah, yeah. She's like,

follow me. Oh, Jake is dead. Now we can have fun. Come into my coven. I call it say, I call no sex in the city. They're just all these widowed women running around to pool halls. And like, oh, Ian, we shut Stanley's down the other one.

I'm like, get it. And my mom does that kind of stuff. She's in a book club and she, like, has friends that she hangs out with they go to dinner. And when I call her, it's so funny, the different energy of like, when she's at home, she wants to talk. She wants to know everything that's going on. It's like the role reversal.

It's like when I was out with my friends and she called me like, well, hold on guys, I'm on my way. Yeah, yeah. my mom. I like to call her. We talk once a week. I usually call her on Sundays. And I called her on Sunday. And she was like, I could tell she was out. And I was like, where are you at? You had a friend's house? And she's like, yeah, I'm in the backyard. I, you know, she's like, I brought my dogs over and we're in the backyard. And I went, oh, well, we don't have to talk right now. Like, I'll call you later. Great. All right. I love you. Bye. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, this is such a role

reversal. Yeah. And she'll be like, Ian's on the phone. I hear her friends. She's like, hi, Ian. She's like, I got to go. I'll call you later. I'm like, good for you. She's like Katie's good. Yeah, I love you. Meanwhile, I'm alone in my apartment with a cat on my lap. Just like reading while. I hang up and I look at Myrtle and I go, I guess she doesn't want to talk to us today. And Myrtle's like, you know, do dog size.

But what's interesting about that is I've watched my mom. It's been, you know, just like your mom, you watch them get older. So you know all of their change. My mom doesn't have a temper anymore. She used to have a temper when I was growing up. Now she doesn't have a temper. My mom barely drinks anymore. Which is like a thing when I was growing up, she drank.

So you watch your family members get older and you adjust to them. But when you have a parent that dies when you're a kid, you're stuck at that angle of looking up at them. You're stuck at like, oh, my dad knew everything. So forever, all through my 20s and all through my 30s, I was like, oh, my dad was funny. He was smart. He just had this thing. And then now I'm in my 40s and I'm kind of like, my sister, and we talked about this before in the podcast, I found a letter of my sisters to my dad.

that was kind of like, hey, I don't know you. You abandoned me. I wouldn't recognize you if we walked down the street. Like, this sucks. I want you in my life. And also, I was, I think I was like 11 or 12 when she wrote this letter. And she's like, Dan still believes in you. Like, Dan still thinks you're the man.

Oh, my God. Don't lose that. But it is heartbreaking. But with the release I found in it, and this is what I said in therapy was like, I no longer take my dad abandoning me personally. because I go, oh, this is just what he did. He abandoned my sister. He abandoned me.

This is just what he did. He had a kid stuck around for a couple years and was like, yeah, this sucks. And then he would dip. And then just go live with his mom and get blacked out and fuck bars, sluts. And that's how he died, where he was just kind of like, yeah, he just want to party, get drunk and fuck sluts. I don't want any commitment. I don't want any, I don't want any kind of like responsibility. And I was always like, he was the men, because he was the man.

He was so funny. He was so smart. So which dream do you choose to live in? The idealized version of like, he was a man, I love him. No, no, the reality.

He sucked. Fuck him. Since I started, well, here's the thing. Was it not fuck him? It's, he sucks.

It is what it is. This is what life is. Life isn't all good. Life isn't all bad. Life is, he still was very funny. Still very funny. Very smart.

Read all the time. Was, would rip through books. Even Rush Limbaugh books, he would rip right through. he was a shitty dad yeah kind of a shitty dude probably wouldn't have been a good dad to me when I was in my teens and my 20s probably wouldn't have been around

then I would have been like really resentful of him yeah then I probably would have been a lot more violent yeah then I get to my 20s I probably don't want to talk to him because my sister her whole 20s she's like why the fuck would I talk to this loser he doesn't give a fuck about yeah and then I started hitting some success fucking water boys dad dude you'd show up at my wedding yeah I'm back on I love you, sir. Just like Tagglewood's that. Dude a minute.

I've seen you on Comedy Central. Yeah, yeah. You're doing all the voices. I love that show thousands. It's billions, dad. It would have been that. And it would have been like, I would have been getting calls.

Hey, pal. My car got repoed. You think you could give your old man a couple grand to get it out. And I would be like, brutal. Because life is all those things. I would still want to love them. I would still want them.

So there would be a, so I'm like, Like sometimes, and this is for people that have lost parents early, sometimes you have to wrap yourself around the idea that might be better that he died. Yeah. It might be better for you, and this is a very selfish thought, but it is very true, it might be better that he's dead. Well, then you can, you can mourn him in a way that you can love him in a way that's different

than if he would have been around and you would have been like, fuck, you suck, dude. well i think of it like you know i've had to really learn through my you know like therapy and work and reflection and everything like the sadness and deep emptiness i felt like the it it made me who i am and so in a way i'm not like oh thank god my dad died no never but it's but it's like um i'm grateful for who i am today yeah so in a way I have gratitude for what my life has become and what was and what it has turned me into. So in a way, I have the opposite of like, what if he lived and I sucked? Yeah.

Or like, I was just like a fucking turd guy that had two parents and then like, dad, they're being mean to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're not like, well, also you sometimes when you lose somebody, especially it's like for a lot like kids who. moved a lot you you come up with these like identities to protect yourself and a lot of the times that is being the funny kid a lot of times that is being like it's it's influenced and inspired every aspect of my life for so long and like I I I you know I was I was a really bad alcoholic and I lived like you know and that just came through like different pain and like trying to figure things out but I in the back of my mind it was always like I just want my dad to

be up there and be proud of me. And so, like, even when I was out doing, like, terrible things, the, the reconciliation I had was for my dad. And so, like, having him, this omnipresent, like, being in my life kind of almost shaped me in a way more than if he was here, I think. Or maybe that's a coping mechanism. No, I think, I mean, I think it's both. I think it is a coping mechanism, but I also love him so much. And he was such a righteously cool dude that I want people to meet me and go, Oh, man, dude, Ian, if Ian's, I want people to be like, well, if you like me, you would have loved my dad. I, I really, the fabric of him is in me.

I can really respect that. And even with everything I said is that was something that was always like, my dad's family, and I'm sorry, shout out to my mom's family. I think they're great. My dad's family was flat out hilarious. Like every member of my dad's, my dad, his sister, my aunt Karen, who was my aunt Karen. and my sister Michelle were all funny yeah there was my cousin Michelle is like the funniest human there just wasn't an unfunny person so yeah i think to go with exactly what you're saying

i think that is a sense of pride for me when i'm very when people call me very funny i go like that was the good thing gary had yeah like gary really was very funny and i'm glad i can like show people my family's talent yeah which is like oh yeah we're we're we're were funny. The soders are funny. We had done this stuff when you were younger. Probably like drinking, like young emotion would have gotten in the way. But as an older adult, you can almost mold your family and your relationships to be the thing you never had when you were younger, which is so beautiful.

Exactly. There was a moment. And, you know, I think people saw the picture on Instagram. But I got to, I went to Columbus, Ohio, because her Lisa's son, Zach, who's older, he's like, engaged, he's 20, he said, awesome, dude, installs HVAC units. he's the fucking man we went he loves queens of the stone age and so i was like dude why don't i fly to columbus and we'll go see queens of the stone age and then he was with me when i got to meet josh homie for the no way and i looked over and there was this moment of like oh that's my

karen's grandson yeah like that's a guy that i fuck with yeah and i love and i love my cousin and his fiancee's unbelievable and his siblings his little sister and his little brother and other little sister and you're just like oh this you know what it does it feels like family on your own terms which is a lot of the times especially people listening you don't have a dead parent to feel like this but sometimes your family feels like it's on their terms all the time and that can suck because you're like I don't even want to do this but when you have family on your own terms you're like this is when you're for the first time in my life I understand when you go like that's my family yeah I love them yeah but it's true but I had to go through all that dumb shit of course and knock some motherfucker

out via Facebook message. Because what's Facebook for if it's not telling an uncle to go fuck himself? I did do that with a cousin that fucking was like, I hope you get gay cancer. Like, fuck you. And I was like, well, let me tell you right now. If I see you at a family function,

it's on site. And I can't wait until your kids get involved in a gay interracial marriage, you fucking loser. So now every time they all get together, I got to be like, gee, and is Tony there? Okay, I can't go. clear but that's the best part about i mean my mom's family's great so our gatherings is just like

everyone's together oh dude we had a finance family renews the first time i saw my cousin sean since we were kids and we met at a gun range i love it i was like this is the and then we all got tattoos and by the way it was the best outside we all got smiley face tattoos i love people don't get enough credit cutting people out of your life is okay yeah and sometimes way better for you totally don't be one of those people that's like well it's funny because we when when When we didn't have my dad's side of the family, we were with my mom's side of the family, and they were just, like, horrific people.

But my grandfather raised me with my mom, and so that's what we were close with. But my mom's sister and brother were just, like, terrible. And then we cut off my mom's side of the family, and that's when my dad's side of the family, like, came back, and it was, like, perfect timing. That's the way to go. Yeah.

You go, oh, fuck, the finances are here? Let's fucking rip it. Yeah. But do you feel like your mom is in a place where she's dealt with the death of your dad at all? Or do you think it's still very like put away in a box deep down in her brain? Yeah. Do you think it would be better for her if she went through it?

Because the boomer generation did not clear out their closet. I think all I can do is love her in whatever way she presents herself to me at the time. I love that. I love that. And it will do me no good to try to get her to deal with things the way I think she should. She does what she does. Have you recommended therapy to her? Dan.

It's so funny when you tell you're- Caught her in quite a few lies. Really? I just left the therapist office, Ian. You'll be so proud of me. Oh, where? Harvey Road. Oh, where on Harvey?

Dr. Tomlinson. Oh, okay. And I'm Googling. I'm like, Mom, I don't think that's a place. Ian, stop. I have to go. Like hanging up. I'm like, okay.

I'm going to go back in and have another therapy session about this. Yeah. Like, dude, this is crazy. If you went down there and he's like, I'm Dr. Tomlinson. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're in Helium in Philly? He's like, I'm Dr. Tomlinson.

We've made quite some progress with your mother. I'm like, well, hang on my face, Dr. Tomlinson. Well, now I'm fucking crazy. Yeah. But it's I, I like, dude, honestly, like the, when I visit my mom, she's in the home I was raised in that all this crazy shit happened in. So every time I go there, I have to like pray and just be like, dude, it is what it is. just fucking let the thing i say all the time is like let's just gale yeah that's gal being gale

you got to let gale when you get older that's every parent yeah you just go hey trish going trish yeah you know what dude in those letters my dad wrote to me i it's so funny going back and reading them in so many of those letters he said all you have to do is be yourself and everything will be okay that's great and he literally said i didn't put this together to later to be said, just be Ian, and things will be fine. That's all we want you to do is just be yourself. And for so long, I hid who I was because I felt like this guy in heavy would be so upset that I was, you know, kind of gay or whatever, like living a certain way.

And it's like, dude, it was so clear as day on the paper the whole time. I was loved no matter what. Yeah, he loved you. I was the one that had to allow the love. It was there the whole time, yeah. That's fantastic. You also, you really get worried about writing letters that he's going to be like, also I got this new piece of pussy.

And let me tell you, a girl throws a back. Dude, dude, reading, reading a letter not meant for me. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes, Trish can't get enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you found that? We found a letter, but we found a letter from when my dad was in his 20s after his first marriage.

We read it on the podcast. Really? Pussy whipped. She was like, she was writing a letter to his mom and he was like, I, I never knew it could be like this. He was like, what did this lady let him throw it in the ass? He was, like, talking about it, we were like, and then I looked at the date and I looked at his age and he was like 24. And you're like, oh, this is, this is new pussy. That's what we said on the podcast.

It was like a new pussy letter. That's great. Where he's like, oh, no one doesn't like her. She's the best. And then I asked my mom, I go, do you know who this? Because my mom got married to him like maybe three years after this. And I go, you never talk about this ex-girlfriend? And I was like, no.

And you're like, so it was. It was a fly by the night chick. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just abandoned his first family, and he's like, nah, this is it. This pussy's bananas. My dad was, like, magical, man. Like, dude, I'm telling you, in this one journal I found, it was, it was November of 1980, and he kept writing December on the date and crossing it out.

And after, like, three days, he's like, I don't know why I keep writing December. I feel like something important is going to happen in December. The December holds a special moment for me, blah, blah, bye. And then that's when he met my mom. in a matter like a month to the date letter of when he was writing the December date and then I was born in December and it was like, it was just like these weird little things man

like everything's connected. That dude has been, I'm so fortunate like yes I lost him when I was eight but I got to know him as an adult in a way that I always wished and like he and I would always talk about how when we were older we'd be you know watching the sun come up on a front porch and rocking chairs

and like our teeth would fall out and we wouldn't know whose teeth were whose you know we'd be these two old men right and I always desire that and always wish for that and um you know you said the thing about wanting like a father and like older comics and I've been so fortunate to have you know my friendship and relationship with the tell sure and he's very much become like my best friend and my mentor and he and I have a very special relationship we talk in the phone like every night he's he's the best man he's really taking care of me but when I was on the road with him

like non-stop for like five years we would just stay up late and chain smoke and one night we were by this pool at a hotel in this town we're in these rocking chairs or smoking cigarettes just dying laughing and the sun's coming up and in this moment I was like whoa I got the moment this is you got the moment yeah yeah you know it is meant life is always changing or whatever but sometimes it changes in a way that you go

oh I got the thing it's like a river bend and you don't know that sometimes you like you think you get farther away but then you wind up in that yeah and if you're looking for it it won't appear but if you just allow got to allow it. And you got to allow the prospect that it can't happen. Let the poop come out. What?

Relax. Because you know what's funny is I got constipated after I sent my, literally I couldn't shit for a week. Really? And my therapist was like, yeah, you were emotionally like so like that that my shit. And it took me until I relaxed and drank a lot of me relax. But it came out. Life you don't know sometimes that life will take you to a place where you go like,

I never thought I'd see that person. again I hate him and then you go and you might I never thought I'd be close with Lisa dude if you would have told me I was close with my least my cousin Lisa 10 years ago I'd go you guys might link up and it might be a fucking gift but we might fight here and he might kick the shit out of me and then you might he was in Vietnam you know it turns out turns out home boy still got a right cross well he's pretty old just don't wear a conical hat you'll be fine his wife was fine can I can I say something real quick sure real quick uh I've been wanted to say this a while but I heard years ago that you

you had were helping your mom out financially and like taking care of her and I always admired that like I don't know to what extent or whatever that's your business but I admired that so much and I've always thought of you and I've always wanted that and I have been able to do that with my mom and it makes me think of you when when I help my mom out and that's something I always admired you and it inspired me and so I'm grateful I get to do that today and so you without not even knowing it, you really helped me. Oh, thanks. I, you know, I, um, I'm very lucky to do this as a job. Like, the fact that it's even considered a job is never lost on me.

Yeah, same. And it's never like, you know, I was telling my buddy, whenever I walk by a restaurant and I see them setting up a cafe, I'm like, this is where I should be. Yeah. This is where I should be doing. That's what I do when I walk by a graveyard. But you know what, man, it's like, I really appreciate, uh, all the shit. You know, if my mom, you know, I'm not having kids.

So I told her it was like, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not having kids, but I can pay your cable bill the rest of my life. Yeah. And it was like, all right, there you go. And it's like, I don't know, man, I think it's, I don't need a lot. I have, I have enough. And if I can help any of my family or my friends, then it's just a cool position to be in. Yeah.

It's just like, I wish a lot more people did that because I feel like the world needs that a lot. Sometimes there's a lot of hoarding going on. I know. And it sucks. I know. It just feels good, though. Like, I just know I put my mind. mom through hell.

Yeah, that's also why it is. To be able to like, yeah, dude, I mean, my God, it's like that. Again, like, just look at her. It's so funny to look at your mom and be like, we've been in the shit, huh, brother? That is in any single, any, any, any only child of a single mom will tell you that that is the bond where you go. Right, brother? Yeah.

We'd be going, my mom used to have this phrase where we'd be going through something and you go, but hey, we'll get through this. Yeah. And it always, whenever my mom would say that, I'd be like, oh, absolutely. Oh, my mom goes, shit happens and then you flush it down the toilet, Ian. Damn, Gail and Trish with knowledge. Locked in. The podcast is being Ian with Jordan Jensen.

Check it out. Download it, join their Patreon. It's fucking hilarious and very fun to do. Check out everything Ian has. Got that half hour on YouTube. Also, his special, that's on YouTube. Go check that out. Thank you.

He's got a ton of shit. Ian Finance. com for all my dates. ianimal six on instagram and i have a travel show coming out called ian do an odd guy doing odd jobs on my youtube i love that go subscribe to his youtube thank you man hercules hercules hercules internet com bye