Soder - 112: Nature’s Candy with Liz Miele | Soder Podcast | EP 110

Episode Date: December 16, 2025

Support the sponsors to support the show! This holiday season — sleigh responsibly, but look damn good while doing it.Our listeners get 15% off their first order plus free shipping at theperfectjean.nyc or Google The Perfect Jean and use code SODER15 for 15% off https://theperfectjean.nyc/ Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to Zocdoc.com/SODER to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today https://www.zocdoc.com/?utm_medium=audiopodcast&utm_campaign=soder For a limited time, save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com to get $35 off Aura’s best-selling Carver Mat frames - named #1 by Wirecutter -  by using promo code SODER at checkout. That’s A-U-R-A Frames.com promo code SODER. This deal is exclusive to listeners and frames sell out fast,  so order yours now to get it in time for the holidays! Support the show by mentioning us at checkout! https://auraframes.com/ The Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour is coming to your city! Get tickets at https://www.dansoder.com/tour FEB 13 - Orlando,FL FEB 14 - Tampa,FL FEB 28 - Buffalo,NY March 6 - Boston March 7 - Philadelphia,PA March 19 Dallas,TX March 20 - Houston,TX March 21- Oklahoma City,OK April 4 - Huntington,KY April 10 - Charlotte,NC April 11 - Durham,NC April 17 - Munhall,PA April 18 - Cleveland,OH April 19 - Columbus,OH April 24 - Larchwood,IA Follow Liz Miele and watch her new special Space Camp on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x53-2hTks2w https://www.instagram.com/lizmiele/?hl=en https://lizmiele.com/?srsltid=AfmBOorSY-a-IUsHUl1QE8qSWO5_FvpZAn_4aMz-BBR6uPSR6Fhw1Yw2 PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572 Connect with DAN Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by  Mike Lavin      https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

Hey, everybody. I want to thank you for coming and seeing me on the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour. We've announced the second leg. It starts up in February, February 13th in Orlando, then February 14th and Tampa. Going to be in Buffalo, February 28th, Boston, March 6th, Philly, March 7th. Go to Dan Soder.com. The whole second leg all the way through April is on sale, all available at DanSoter.com. I love you guys. I watched a video of this guy teaching his son, like, couldn't be older than three, to hit a ball. He's wearing a full, like, um, helmet, like he's on a motorcycle.

And he's teaching him how to hit the ball. And every time he hits it, the goal is to hit his helmet. Sure. But it keeps hitting it to the right. So he's teaching him, he goes, hey, bud, just when you're hitting it too early. So when you hit it early, it's going to go there. But if you wait and then hit it, it's going to hit right. and so he does it and he goes okay what did you do he goes i did it early he's like yeah but that's okay

he's like we're gonna wait and then he waits it doesn't do what he wants it to do but he did exactly what he said he's like you waited that's great we're already we're already halfway there and it was like this parenting person about like positive affirmations and letting them not even just that letting them come to the conclusion themselves and i'm watching the whole thing as she talks about what a great parent and i'm like choking up yeah i'm never going to have kids yeah my cats have never listened to me i don't even know what to do with this information and i'm just like I wish I was parented this way. Everything's porn.

Yeah. They've turned everything into porn. Anything you can think of is porn now. Yeah. What about Christmas memories? And there's a video online. Oh, God. That's what the N64 kid was.

Do you remember him? No. He was like, he unwrapped a Nintendo 64 and he freaked out. It's like an old recorder movie from the 90s. And it was a popular video online. where he's like, it's a Nintendo 64, and you're like, oh, like you watch that and you go, I remember opening toys on Christmas. And it is.

It's just the same part of your brain that porn activates where you're like, I wish I was opening a video game system right now. But isn't it like how people wish they could see their favorite movie for the first time again? Yeah, those are the worst tweets. That's why I'm glad I'm off Twitter. It wasn't the... It wasn't the racism and just the pure, just absolute toxicity. Yeah, no, it was people wishing they could have their first memories again.

There's a very famous comedian that tweeted out during the pandemic. He's like, I'm watching this movie. You ever watch a movie and realize you're watching your favorite movie in real time? And I'm like, man, I wish we haven't, I wish we, I wish we didn't fall out of contact. So I could tell you how gay this tweet is. So I could be like, man. Because it's too out of nowhere to be like, like, hey, this is the gay.

You've been in L.A. too long. Because people in L.A. will affirm that and they'll go. Yeah. Thank you for, thank you for showing me. Yeah. Thank you for showing me your heart. I wish I could show you a moment I had and you go, shut the fuck up. My problem, the people I feel the worst for in L.A. are locals.

The people that grew up there. They just live there and just like want to work at a regular job. And then they have to just deal with like. somebody now like TikToking in the back while they get coffee. I mean New York has a lot of that but I think LA it's the whole like the problem I've always had

with that city is that everybody wants everyone's looking to collab. That's how it always feels. Like the barista at Starbucks is like can I open for you? Like if they knew who you were and you're like I don't even know who you are. Why would I do that?

What a risk that would be I'd be taking. But, like Louis Katz is originally from Los Angeles. Oh, I didn't know that. He, like, grew up there. Yeah. But then he went to college at Berkeley and started in San Francisco. And became a real person. Yeah, but he's like a real person from L.A.

Yeah. That's the thing that I think is unfair is, and I've been guilty of this. I, like, stereotype the whole city is everyone is that L.A., Hollywood trying to do shit. It's not. It's a lot of them. Yeah, of course. The people that are from there, like, people that are from New York are very good at being like,

I'm from New York. Get the fuck out of my way. Yeah. Like, you're here. And I always have really enjoyed that. So my best friend lived in Hawaii for like a year and a half. And she was like, she hated it. She hated it with her whole heart.

She was just there because her now husband had a job. He was a marine biologist. So she could be near fish or whatever. Yeah. So it's pretty, you know, just kind of a big deal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Marine biologist can't live in Colorado. Can't go land law.

She was like, makes nine times more money than I do. I guess I'm moving to Hawaii. But also it's fun. of the idea that you are bummed out, you have to go live in Hawaii and not work. You're like, oh, I gotta go while my fucking rich husband pays for everything. Well, she didn't know.

She got a job. I know, listen. Let's come down. I'm all about powerful women. Yeah. But you can understand I put that on paper. Yeah, yeah. It does look horrible.

She's paying for groceries. Oh, that's that Eddie Murphy for Raw where he's talking about Johnny Carson getting divorced. And she goes, 170 million and 75. I worked at the book. Boutique, I think about that joke all the time, when she got half, half! She goes, 170 and 75. But no, I can understand moving away from the mainland. So, but so, so we're Jersey kids. She, I mean, she's been everywhere for like, work and whatever. So she goes to Hawaii for a year and a half. Immediately is like, I hate it here. She's like, I hate everything about Hawaii. And she goes, the locals are amazing. Just the kindest, most wonderful people. She's the whitest person, you know, by the way. Just, just, just, everything's blonde. Everything's white.

It's just so many vowels. A's into O's and to U's back into A's. But she's like, can a sister get a constant? Can a sister get a T or a K somewhere? Alu, hallo, no lo, al-a-a-a-a-a-ha. She's like, locals are awesome. I loved it. The people that move there, the people that move there are the people that no one on the mainland

misses. Damn. She was like, Oh my God. She's like, I've never hated my neighbor so much in my life. She's like, everyone I met that like move there because they wanted to get away, you're like, nobody misses you. And it was like countless.

And she was just like, she's like, I miss my family. They call me all the time. People come to visit me and I try to make it the best. But she's like, I understand why people wouldn't like me there as like an implant. Yeah. But also like the type of people that seek out Hawaii as like it's going to change in my life and be then, you know, my new home. She's like, are the worst kind of.

of people and that is what Hawaii is locals and the worst kind of people well I think it's like adventurous people which I think some of those are adventurous people and I think adventurous people can be fun but not all the time you don't want people that are like let's just jump off this cliff and you're like I have a stomach ache I don't want to do that right now but sometimes that's fine but not all of that but isn't that what it's like as when somebody meets you and they find out you're a comedian like my like my boyfriend told me before he met me he was so worried I was going to be like on all the time and like and I was just like annoying we can be annoying yeah but I'm not an on all the time person I've never been an on all the time person what sucks is when I'm having

fun being silly and I don't realize I'm being annoying and that's what I think people talk about a lot where sometimes I'll be like being funny and it'll be a family member or an old friend and they'll be like okay and you're like yeah I think I am kind of being a lot right now but that's I think because we hang out with comics all the time and we like that so it's also a little bit like almost like you where you're talking about with your dog where it's just like you tolerate your dog being your dog but you understand your dog being your dog in the real world yeah is too much yeah and I feel that way where like I'm a lot and comedy has only made me worse yeah and my sister likes it and my friends like it but like I've been in the line at the airport and seen somebody like watched in real time

someone think I'm a crazy person yeah that's I've or like literally like find an excuse to get away from me and I was like oh no no no I'm that person so when you clock someone being fed up with you yeah this person hates me and I'm and I get it yeah exactly you're like they're not wrong I'm wondering how that would fuck me up if I was because you know we do it too we look at people we go look at this fucking idiot you're in line at like TSA or something but for if someone ever went hey I get it I hate myself too I'd be like that would fuck me up I'd like you see it too Hawaiians arguably have the best case of like please get the fuck out of here oh yeah you're ruining our land paradise yeah James Cook you piece of shit why did you have to land on these

islands but also I always loved when I found out like um You know, like black people say that we smell like wet dogs when we get wet. That seems valid. I love shit like that. Like unknown white racism to me is always like, oh, that's interesting. I always have found that really interesting. And this buddy of mine that I played high school football with, Eli Rock, cool name. Yeah.

Even better football player. The guy could hit like a sack of hammer. So he would just smash, dude. He played safety. But he lived in Hawaii. And he was the first. He, like, lived there when he was a kid, and he was the first person that told me

that they hated white people there in a different way. Yeah. New white hate to me is always like, oh, all right, what flavor is this? But calling us howlies. What does that mean? I don't know. Can you look up what the origination of the word howley is?

I don't know, but they would just go, like, get the fuck out of here, howley. And you're like, oh, shit. But like, new white racism. Let's check it out. But I think the one thing that I've, I've grown over time is self-awareness. Yeah.

So I hate it. I think that's just age. Sure, but in therapy. Yeah. I've been in therapy a lot. But I think, and then comedy really does make you, I think if you do it right, really become introspective. So it's like I hated myself and now I know why I hate myself.

Yeah. And I'm 10% better than I was. So I hate myself a little less. Like that's kind of. That's a great way I say in it. That's my journey. I think that's pretty fucking accurate about how I, you're just like walking around with this ball of energy.

Yeah. And then you go, I really hate myself. And then you go, oh, well, I do this because of this. And you go, well, I'm going to forgive myself. Yeah. Yeah. And then you correct it just a little bit. Yeah.

Tell me what Howley means. Howley is a Hawaiian term for individuals who are not native Hawaiian. So it's not for white people. And applied to people primarily of white European ancestry. Oh, it's not white. It's white people. It's white people. The background is it predates the 1778 arrival of Captain James Cook.

This is all from Wikipedia. to check our sources. We're all about sources here. Yeah, we're all more. At the Sodor podcast, we're all about sources. I believe this is from AI overview. This is from Gemini. Gemini says,

eat spiders, it's good for your poop. I make an AI eating stuff reference and people are like, why do you use that reference so much? Because it does do that. No, it tells you, like to, like a recipe, it would be like,

so put some nails in it and you're like, I was on the regs and I was like talking about AI psychosis. with Lewis and we were talking about something about Austin Common and I go oh like yeah AI's gonna tell you to eat rocks I didn't know that was a Cam Patterson joke and he was like that was a Cam Patterson joke I go I was

literally saying AI told me to eat rocks one time when I left the term back to Howley the term was generally given to people of European descent however as more distinct terms began to be applied to an individual European cultures and okay

the word Howley began to refer most to Americans, including American blacks. I don't know why they wrote it like that. Black Howley, they used to call them Black Howley's. Black Howley is an awesome band name. I was just about to say, like, if that's like a part of your crew, if they were just like, that's Brian, that's John, that's Black Howley. Black Howley is fucking sick.

If I was a black dude, I would absolutely have a rock band called Black Howley. But spell it H-O-W-L. L-I-E. But they wouldn't know, I don't know. You know what, we're spitballing. Here, I can't get you. Not only do we do good journalism, but we do good spitballing here.

Of the Polynesian race said, God bless the least, yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. Howley. So it predates them. Anyone could explain what the word meant. All right, yeah. Basically, Howley is a term for people that go to Hawaii that are white.

Yeah. And if you're black, they call you black howly. Yeah, and like, Roaning shit. Like you're, we're literally, the same like the way the Galapagos has like a limit of how many people can go each year because just. They're doing that everywhere. They should.

They absolutely should. Everest is like, you guys, stop, stop dying here. Like you're like, well, it's like crazy that you wait in line and you walk by dead people. Yeah. Is that still true? Is there still a line to get to the summit of Everest? I don't know, but I have, one, I've heard about it. Two, I've heard there's trash there because people leave their trash.

And three, I've heard there's dead. body's there with everything about that and then I heard that it is more dangerous because you're waiting in line and you're like hey something can't it's almost as somebody that has run I think almost 15 marathon Jesus but you know after you run one it's not really a feat anymore is it you know what I mean so you you start to be you find it's like anything you do like even with comedy you have this point where people are like that's incredible you're like it's really not after a while like it's a skill set well it makes me understand athletes when they're like when they talk about Super Bowl

oh my God they talk about Super Bowl with reverence of like yeah like Tom Brady talks about the Super Bowls casually and you go well yeah

he worked there so it became like I think he did every year the first thing that ever happened to me where it ended the magic of that was Cinco de Mayo you'd party when you live in Arizona and then I moved here

and I worked at a Shishi Mexican restaurant Dos Caminos shout out at one time was Shishi And they would get hyped for, they'd be like, Cinco de Mayo's coming, you better get fucking ready. Everybody's working a double. We've got 400 on the books. Shit's insane.

And then you work a couple Cinco de Mayo's and you go, it's not that big of a deal. It's going to get busy and then it's not going to be busy. Yeah, yeah. It's going to get busy again and then it stops. But Everest 2025, there is literally a traffic. There is a. I see a picture.

Ugh. Horrible. We'll edit that in. If you're just waiting, there is nothing, that to me would go, why am I here? You're having a casual conversation like you're waiting for a latte. Like it's DMV. Yeah. That's my number.

Yeah. I got to go touch the top of the world. Hold on real quick. No, no, no, I'm 63. You can't be 63. I think the new rule for Everest should be. You can climb it. You don't get a Sherpa.

No guys. Oh, yeah. No guys. You want to do it? Yeah. Do it the way fucking Whitney did it or whoever. that first guy was that got to the top. Like, you go fucking climb that shit by yourself.

Yeah. I'm sick of these garters. Stop bowling with bumpers. Yeah, for sure. And like, just because you were cold for a bit, that's your accomplishment. You didn't carry anything. Content is the issue. About I climbed Everest.

Here's what it's like. Hey, guys. Instead of get ready with me. Hey, guys, climb Everest with me. That right there. That guy died in the 20s and froze. Oh my god The crazy I climbed Everest face

I got to the top of the world Here is our Sherpa In Ratnow Nhatna has been Himalayan and lived there Since he was a little baby boy I asked him if he loved sugar He did fuck everybody Let them all die if they're gonna climb up there

Get up there, go go yourself They should just be a guy at the bottom that goes Go Yeah Like a slide, like it just lets you say, oh, that guy left, go. One in one out, like a dance club, he goes, are you with a bunch of girls? That's how you get in. You go, I got six chicks with me.

He goes, you can, all right, you can climb Everest. But also that Sherpa's diet 80 times. Dude, you want to talk about, like, that's like a porn star. When you meet porn stars, when you meet people that have done porn, sex to them is like the way that we feel about joking around. Yeah. Like being funny at work. was my favorite thing in the world.

Yeah. I always try to think about that when doing stand-up so I don't become jaded because I'm like, this is the best job in the world because I get to do the thing that I would get fired from every other job for doing. Yeah. And sex workers and people that work in the porn industry are like, this is why everyone goes on dates. Yeah.

To get the thing that I do for a job. Yeah. So that's how Sherpers are with Everest. They're like, do you want to climb a mountain? Yeah. And it's, it becomes work. like it becomes work and I also think from anybody I've ever talked to you know doing that with somebody that is inspired like did the work did the research working hard taking care of their

crew is like in it that's a cool journey but like someone that's just doing that doing the selfie you know selfie stick and trying to do in their makeup while they are like have frosted eyelashes yeah yeah crazy wind coming through like okay that messed up that messed up my let's take it again My bronzer. Take it again. Take it from the top. The wind is really messing up my microphone. If somebody...

I think that's the reason everyone was excited when that submarine blew up. Because it was rich people that were just going down to the Titanic. And they're like, we're going to go down there. Whereas like someone like James Cameron, like got into diving, like put it together, did the research. It was like very like, there's people that really, uh, Jacob, my old producer, or he's still a producer on the bonfire, but a buddy of mine,

he loves the Titanic. And he gets mad that so many people are going down and seeing it. Because he's like, you're fucking it up. You're bringing like shit down there that's going to break it and people are taking stuff.

And that's like Everest. You're like, it's supposed to be this mythical, cool thing that if you get to the top, you've done all the work, you've learned out of climb a mountain. And instead it's like, yeah,

just pay me and we'll just take you up there. But I don't, commodified. I don't think people realize as people like nerds. People like people that are passionate. I love nerds. Like that like love a thing. Like my brother has now shown me and my mom twice.

It's this guy in the UK that. The train guy? No, no, no. He walked and canoed the entire, entire Thames River from, from source to sea. And it like took like three weeks. And he's like literally walking through the Thames when there's like no water.

And then in London, he's in a canoe. like trying and like there's all these like gates that he has to go through and stuff like that I would never watch this in a million years sure but my baby brother wanted to watch it he's explaining it we're doing British accents we're having a real good time yeah this is this is how I spent Thanksgiving I love that but it's cool this guy's done so much research about like the the nature of you know how the Thames became about and you know where it's going to be hard and how to get through it and he's not a canoe person this is the most canoeing he's ever done

so he's fucking it up and like it was it was fascinating to watch somebody go through a journey that they were excited to do and then did the research yeah but i well cared about it yeah but people doing things for clicks is a bummer like those are people that do stuff just so that they can talk about them that happens a lot in entertainment where people go to like premieres or parties and shit and it's not because they want to go to it's because they want to go oh i was at the variety uh oskers party and i saw so and so and so and so and you go hey everybody it's your favorite hypochondriac letting you know that if you're freaking out like i am check out zok doc what is it it's an app to help you get a doctor's appointment if you haven't a doctor's appointment

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Our listeners get 15% off their first order plus free shipping at the perfect gene.n. Or Google the perfect gene and use code Soder 15 for 15% off. Yeah, absolutely, I want the pricing of it. Absolutely. Before I get to the pricing of how much it costs or get up Everest, I will say that's what I cut you off about earlier was this guy named Francois or Francis

and he's on Instagram and he is legitimately I don't think he's autistic probably autistic but he loves trains big sign he's autistic but he's so passionate about it that you watch it and you go

I love this guy and he's like today we're following the 47th and it's going to cross it exactly this time and it comes by and he's like oh it was a ripper and he wears this camera on his head so you can show it

And I swear to God, go find him on Instagram. It looks like me. That's why I started. My friend from high school was like, you got way, my buddy Garrape was like, you got way into trains and sent me that. And then I just loved the guy. Because he was so passionate about it. He's like, oh, he comes.

And he's like younger, but he's got an older man, British accent. He's got a girlfriend. He like drives around. I love that you're like proud of him. I'm proud of this, dude. Yeah, you're like, yo, way to turn your autism into a fun time. All he does is, oh shit. All he does is just talk.

about how much he loves trains and I'm like brother get it but that's the thing I could not even care about the subject talking about just you're passionate you've done research I've learned something but just a dude that's like we're here we did it you know what I mean and it's like I this is my okay my boyfriend we went to my my sister my sister has three kids we went to go visit my sister and I couldn't find Cooper who's the oldest he's 11 and so we go downstairs in the basement me and my boyfriend and he's huge TV he's watching a YouTuber rate a hotel like just give it a rating sure and me and my boyfriend are like what the fuck is this like what are kids never watch this when I was a kid what are kids watch like concierge was impressive it was so navy sheet navy corners

on the beds it's more like he's like a hyper teenager that's just like like the bed sheets they were crisp that's weird it kind of gave me like a burn and you're just like what of everything you could be watching what the fuck is he's not learning anything i don't know if he's ever stayed in a hotel yeah like but he's going to know what to rate when he stays yeah yeah yeah no sure he's gonna he's gonna he's gonna be like can i can i do the yelp review yeah he goes you're gonna go on a family trip and he's like yeah yeah yeah yeah they're not crisp enough also i didn't like the check in policy just all the places i've been and you're like this is the first time i've said no yeah yeah i've never just know i watch all the videos

I know how to rate them. Hey, I know the holiday in. I know the Marriott. I know the Hilton. So to climb, the permit fee to climb Mount Everest from the Nepal side is $15,000 for the

2025 spring season, which starts September 1st, 2025. Fees for other seasons are also higher. $7,500 for autumn, September to November. Oh, they're cheaper. Oh, that's what more there. So here's what it is.

Spring, you pay $15,000. Oh, it's $1,500. cheaper if you go in the autumn and then it's very cheap if you go in the winter for the permits like 3,700 they're like good luck you're gonna die they actually give you a bag of chips so like good luck to you the permit fees only one part um it could it's it ranges from $40,000 to $100,000 guides and Sherpas gear and equipment base camp and logistics oxygen travel and insurance and miscellaneous expenses so if you want to pay to climb everest 40k to 100k and I understand if it's something you want to do and it's an accomplishment

i think if you've i think it should be like a video game in a final boss situation where i think you need to have climbed at minimum i get that five 14,000 feet mountains like you have to go like get those k2s and shit you got to go beat the bosses and then to get to the... Everest should be the final boss, and I don't believe you should have a Sherpa. I believe the... I believe that the permit money and shit

should be kicked back down to the Sherpa's. I think if you want to climb Everest, I really do believe in that. I think if you should climb Everest, you should fucking go do that shit yourself. Because then if you do it and you come back... That's a real accomplishment.

I'm telling everybody. This guy fucking climbed Everest. By himself. But at some point, what is the accomplishment if everybody is doing... Is it just a different, place to be cold.

That's what I mean, though. No, Sherpa. That's the accomplishment. Yeah. Made your way up the fucking tallest mountain in the world without help. When you have all that, like the, like even saying logistics,

it's like it making it sound like a summer camp. They're like check-ins Monday. You're going to get to base camp on Wednesday. Thursdays are activities. Yes, we're going to do bingo. I know everybody loves bingo here. We do sledding off the top of the mountain. If you don't wear a harness,

you will die. That would be. that extreme way to climb Everest is to snowboard down. Surf guitar. But aren't there people that do crazy shit like that? Yeah, I watch that shit on YouTube. Yeah, that's, I know your cousin's out here watching, but I'll watch guys go back country and then just jump on a snowboard, and it's insane.

I've been getting a lot of those on my shorts. You watch one of those, and that's your personality now. I'm just letting, I'm like probably going to move soon, and I was just looking at wallpaper and I have every interior design I was like I'm not even this person it just had squirrels on it just seemed cute sometimes when I get sad on the road um Instagram knows to feed me just dog content and it's just insane my my 4 you is like old wrestling clips and dogs and you're like that's where I'm at right now no and if you watch one video it completely tells you but I like that I want to watch people jumping off a mountain on a snowboard that shit's cool as fuck that's that's

to what I thought the internet was going to be in 1995. I was like, I just get to watch guys jumping off mountains and snowboarding, right? And you're like, that's going to be your enemies telling you that you suck. You go, cool, all right. It could have. I mean, you know what's funny is I, one, I built my career off social media, but I've now curated it where it's mostly cat videos. It's cat videos.

And, like, I like ceramics. I like art. I like cute, knick-knacky things that people make. That's almost 95% of what I watch on top of, like, Friends Comedy. and then fucking AI started making cat videos that weren't real. Oh, I saw a couple of those. I got thrown off. And not just the ones where they're like dancing and you know it's not real.

It'll be like just a cat being like, and I'd be like, oh, that's so cute. And then now I have to look in the comments to be like, this seems AI. And then it tells you it's AI. And it's like, come on, man, there's so many real cute cat videos are like bears that also do wacky things. There was one of a cat freaking out and running around.

And I went, oh, that video's funny. And then, like, two weeks later, Katie and I were somewhere, like a friend's house. And she was like, I meant to tell you that video was AI. And you're like, oh, what? And it was just a cat spazzing out. Yes. It was like running up and then jumping off and then freaking out this lady. Which they do.

Yeah. It was one of those things where I'm like, that makes me laugh when cats freak out like that. And it, and like you find out it's AI and you just kind of like, one, it's like, is this the today version of like what we have to tell our parents where you're like, that's a scam. mom you can't do that like i also feel like my problem with ai number one is that it just goes and takes everything that's been put on the internet and steals from it yeah it's not original yeah take stuff and and does it you mean the worst type of comedian is ai exactly it just oh like whenever a comic and we've both seen this they'll do a joke and they'll get offstage and you'll go hey i just want to let you know like so-and-so does that joke yeah like verbatim someone's

And they go, okay. And then you just see him and they do a joke. And you go, oh, man. Now there's a bar to me that I got to dislike you. Yeah. Because I know you're not, anytime anyone's been like, oh, that's a similar bit. It's a bummer. You go, fuck.

Yeah. Like, that's the response. And you go, all right. And you're like, it's like that. Fuck. Either I have to find a new angle or I just wasted three weeks on a joke. I mean, I have a joke right now about my grandma dying. And Louie has a joke about his mom died or his dad being.

in a nursing care thing and someone was like oh louis doing a really funny nursing care bit and i was like well my grandma died so i'm not changing the joke i have you know it's like i lived through that i'm just going to talk about how i live if there's some similarities there's some similarities but every other time in my life when that's happened i've just gone like well i'm not going to do that joke yeah i've had a joke about wanting to make people pee like that's something I wish I could do is make people pee, like have to pee because how uncomfortable it is when you have to pee. Oh, it was like a punishment? Yeah. Like as a superpower punishment. Like everybody else has lasers and you're just like, you really got to go and there's no bathroom. And you

don't know the code. And then I never really got it to work, but or whatever. And then I saw I can't imagine why. No, it was working though. Fuck you. It was working. But then I saw Sean Patton do a brilliant bit about if he could, his superpower would be to control your poop. poop and then he like had a thing about the poop going in and out and I was like this is so much better that you're like all right well it freed me from doing that and that's what I mean and AI just goes well then here's the piss video like it just gives you the thing that knows it's not original it just sucks and it sucks that I think they're doing that so we all become like but we were already there you say yes we were already there because of the nature of TikTok and

Instagram influencers like there was this guy. You know the trend where you would just kind of stand there and there'd be like almost like a tweet above your head? It was like a, it was like a video. Yeah, yeah. And there was this guy and every single one was a banger. I was like, dude, this guy's so fucking funny. And usually I don't like this stuff, but I was like, follow. And then it took about a week. I feel almost embarrassed for me to realize he was just stealing them. He was just stealing tweets, putting it above his head. He has half a million followers. And he's like, yeah, man, I can recognize what's funny and take it, that's not,

and you realize that's most of Instagram and that's most of TikTok is just these dudes seeing something that's funny or these girls seeing that something that's funny and putting it out there so that when you put something out, they don't think it's yours. They don't think that you originally came up with him.

So Adrian had, Adrienne Appalucci, she had... That's great. Go watch Dark Queen on Netflix. So good. She's brilliant. And she had a tweet, it's been going viral truly for 15 years in any kind of form. So whenever I see,

it doesn't matter who it is. It could be you, could be Vecione, It could be Adrian. If I see someone else's bit and they're not credited, I go, hey, this is an Adrian Appalucci bit. Love that. Please go find her on that. And I start doing credits, like almost like I'm a manager because it makes me, you could

be a comic I don't like. I do not like that kind of stealing. And it's, even if you, the person, didn't know it because it's been replicated so many times, I'm going to give it to you. I'm going to go. I already am thinking of three jokes. I already know. Michael Che got one stolen by the fat Jewish.

Someone else, I remember they just like took their jokes and you're like, yo, that's so-and-so's joke. And by the way, Chey met him, the fat, what is it, the fat Jew? Yeah, yeah. It just sounds anti-semitic saying. But he saw him at the WWE, and Che was like, fuck you, you stole my joke.

And then he went out and tweeted like, whoa, Michael Chez about it. I kind of respect it. And you're like, fuck you. You're a fucking thief. But even if it's just a girl. I can name you a couple of comics to do that. I have a policy with my fans.

In person, I'll name names. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to patch you down for a while. But in person, I'll name fucking names. And there are very, very successful comedians who steal tweets and do them as bits. I hate that. I hate that.

And they don't get not. And it's been brought up online before. By the way, they're knowing that we fuck with. FYI. But there's no consequences. And it's also breaking creative, autonomy. So this is what I was trying to say, is that I go, hey, this is Adrian Appalucci's bit.

Sure. She's been on Netflix. da-da-da-da-da, you should, one, give credit, even if you didn't know, and you guys should check out her work. And then it becomes this huge threat of people, both like liking it and being like, thank you. But then it's this girl unrelated to this post that's just like, well, how do you know? And I go, I was at her taping. It was on Letterman. And she goes, well, she's like, well, I heard of this bit eight years ago. And I was like, she was on Letterman like 13 years ago. I was like, what are we doing here? I go also. And then another girl goes, well,

will have like something, something about creativity and it doesn't come from anywhere. And I had, I lost my mind, Dan. Your eyes bleeding at the computer. What do you mean it doesn't come? You think tweets are coming from the ether? Like Jesus dropped them down? There's this thing that where people sometimes are,

it's just easier to doubt it. And then it is to, I mean, dude, that Russian bit I did on Conan has like, and I'm not joking when I say this. over 60 million likes on different accounts. I've never published it on my own account outside of retweeting Conan when I did that set. And it's like Russians are the scariest white people joke. And then it's funny when people go, this is Dan Soder's joke.

And 99% of the time the account that posted it goes, I don't give a fuck. I'm getting clicks. Fuck him. This is in a weird way they do this thing. still get clicks. All you do is tag. They say, fuck you.

Because in their heads, and pimps agreeing with me on this, they go, this is my 20 million likes. I took your thing. People are liking it because I put it up and you go, I wrote the joke.

I worked it in clubs. I polished it. I polished it. I got it where it was. And there are people that just do not give a fuck. They will just take it and go, it's mine now.

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Comedy Central used to do this show. I think I told the story recently on the podcast, but Comedy Central did this show in Central Park called Stars Under the Stars. They used to do it back in the day. And it would be like 5 to 7,000 people in Central Park. And it was like all the people that had shows on Comedy Central. This was when Comedy Central was king.

Yeah. I did a half hour and then I sold a cartoon to Comedy Central. And they were like really high up on me. were like, do you want to open stars under the stars? They're like, Fluffy's hosting. And I was like, cool. So I'll be first up and they go, oh, no, no, no, no. You're going to go out before Fluffy.

And I was like, oh, you want me to do warm up? And they're like, no, you get to do a set. This is why I'm so glad most of them are out of a job now. Because you're like, fuck you. You don't know comedy. And they would go like, you stupid dickhead, we're going to put you up in the worst position possible. Yeah. So I go up

This is also Comics. If you're in comedy Just know that you can bend The Will of People in ways that Will Surprise you. So we've known each other For 20 years. When I was coming Up, you remember when I was doing check spots? Yeah, of course. All the time. And check spots are horrible.

For those of you that don't know, I'll give you a quick summation. A check spot At a Showcase Club is when eight comics are on the lineup. They drop the checks for all the bills between the second to last and last comic. And the emce usually goes up there and kills time while you pay your bill then they bring the final comedian up that way everyone can leave and they can reset the room quickly and quietly that spot sometimes will be given to a new comedian which was me and you just bomb because everyone's paying their bills yeah but i learned how to finagle it a little bit i learned mike britt was always really cool and he would let me do the check spot when he was hosting at stand-up new york and i'd go like

yo Mike let me get like could you do like a minute or two he's like I got you and he'd go up and be like bu bu do a joke and then he'd give me like a really long intro that was really nice and then he'd bring me on and by then there'd be enough people that I could just be like all right I could just do these jokes of these people and everyone will be on board by the end of my seven minute set so they're like Fluffy's hosting you're going to go up before him I'm like well going up cold I'm in a fucking bomb yeah and then just pure luck they were like hey Fluffy has this guy open for him. It's like his boy and his fans know him.

He usually brings Fluffy up. And I was like, why don't you have him go up? Say hello. Bring me up. I'll warm him up. And then you can bring up Fluffy and these fucking dickheads are like, great idea. Oh my God, where'd you go about that?

So I go up and I do, I just did Conan. I just did the one with the Russian bit. No, I didn't do Conan yet. I did the set I was going to do on Conan. Yeah. Four months later, I do Conan. And a guy in the comments goes, yeah, I was at Stars Under the Stars.

These are all John Mullaney's jokes because John Mullaney was on the show, much later in the show. And the guy goes, these are verbatim. It's the only time I've ever gone on a comment and signed in as myself and been like, hey, dickhead, I opened that show with this exact set. And then no apology, no, no acknowledgement.

People will literally throw your entire life and reputation under the bus. And even when I, because most of the time, it's, they just, women are awful and you should kill yourself. And it's like, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna respond to that. Real healthy stuff. Yeah, so it's like, I'm not gonna respond. But, you know, you get, you get hit sometimes

where they're just like, this is all stolen and you've never written a joke. And you're like, hey, hey, you cannot like anything I've ever done. But I did write this shit. Yeah. This garbage you don't like, I worked really hard on it. Katie has moments. This just happened where she says something really funny

and someone will go, Dan wrote that. And you're like, man, fuck you. And you know what? You know who pisses out? Who that pisses off besides Katie is me, motherfuckers. You don't think I'm married to her for a reason or engaged? Sorry, we're not married yet. We're engaged.

It's been calling ourselves engaged. Yeah, it's too late. You're already married. But you think I'm with her for what, like? Because she has no timing or ability. You think I sit down and I go, say this. At dinner. Say this when it happens.

There was a guy. This was the most, this was the moment for me where I saw how unhinged people were online. Shout out to Opie and Anthony subreddit. it was a huge toxic environment, but very entertaining for a long time, especially if you were a fan of the show. It was very fun to go there and read. And honestly,

the reason I named my tour The Golden Retriever of Comedy was because that's what they called me on that subreddit. There was a moment where they liked me, then they turned. They always turned. Then they fucking hated me.

But I was on, I was doing, I remember specifically what this was. It was Opie and Jim, right? And they brought in the Stangle Brothers. Was that their name? They worked for Letterman and Opie brought them in to help him with the show

and Pete Davidson was coming on a lot. He just got S&L and he was coming on Opie a lot, Opie and Jim. And he like got into it with him and they didn't like each other or whatever. And then I just, I did the show after they left.

These guys were, the brothers were supposed to work with them and then they left the show. And I guess it was because Pete was making fun of him. Okay. He's like 19. He's a baby.

And so I went on the show and I was like, damn, you got bullied by a child. Like that was my joke. It was like, I don't know, you fucking, when they were telling me what's going, Jim's telling me what's happening and I'm going like, these guys got bullied by a kid and they quit. And this, he can't drink. Yeah. Dude, what are you upset about?

Yeah. Fuck you, you're a kid. You probably still believe in Santa. That, the next day or the day after this guy on Twitter was like, you stole my riff. And I was like, what? And then I go to the Opium, Anthony Subreddit. This dude, 10 toes down, was like Soda was on this subreddit.

He saw what I said and then he took it on Opium and said it. And I go, number one, you know how good at timing you'd have to be to do that to steal a riff and then go like, wait for, wait for it. It's like parallel thinking, motherfucker. Yeah, it's a thing. If anything, you should be happy that you had the same thought and go, oh, I thought the same thing. but you see how mentally unhinged, and then you just see the guy

was like completely unhinged. He's like, I know he comes on here and steal stuff. You're like, motherfucker, I would hate my, I already hate myself. I would hate myself so much more if I was that person.

That I didn't create my own thoughts and my own bits and my own abilities. That's what I'm saying. I'll name names. Because when I see people steal stuff, I go, fuck you. Because we're all out here

trying to write jokes. And it's hard. It's hard. And I, that's why most people suck because it's hard. But all. also, and this, I feel this way about just about anything that you do, why do it if you,

you didn't actually do it? Like, how do you sleep at night? Well, people, that's because people aren't in it for, I knew the driver's going to go off. I called it. Um, I, I, that was the thing that I'm going through post-pandemic is being in a creative job and working with people that don't care about being creative, where they just go, oh, I'm strictly in here for the money. But the thing about stand-up is people can hide this is happening a lot right now where people are hiding their true motives not just in stand-up just in general they're hiding their motives by saying it's something else and me and you are two nerds that just like love stand-up and love doing it so we're like oh yeah and people could sit next to us and go isn't this the best and then they just turn around and

take shit online and then they go oh I didn't know and it's like you see this a lot with like people who talk about their work ethic where they're like, hardest worker in the room, it's like, I actually think you're a psychopath. Yeah. I actually think you don't care about working hard. I think that's your excuse on why you see a lot of celebrities that are in too much stuff are in commercials and movies and they're overspread too much. And they go, I'm addicted to the hustle.

It's like, no, you're not. You're a narcissist, an egomaniac or a psychopath. Yeah. Or greed. Just flat out greed. It's just greedy. and you're making it look like you're a hard worker. You're not a hard worker.

If you're a hard worker, you would burrow in on one thing and make it great. Not just like, I got to hustle all the time. Fuck that shit. That kind of mentality, we should be, this is how you get a Jeff Bezos is by going like hustler mentality. He's a wealth hoarding cunt.

And if you are defending him, you're a fucking loser. I truly think you're a fucking dork. If you're like, you're just jealous that you don't have that kind of money and it's just like no I don't want that kind of money I would never treat people like I would feel gross if I had more money than anyone in the world

and you're not doing anything with it you're just sitting on it for your shit kids and you're shittier grandkids and then you're shittier great grandkids and then I hope one of them gets their head cut off and a fucking guillotine because fuck you I will just say if you're a fan of Jeff Bezos you're a fucking nerd you're a nerd

Pause. Not a cool nerd. Not a cool nerd that knows Batman or knows any cool stories. No cool stories. Just imagine ball wash. I don't know. You know what I found out? We talk about stand-up too much on this podcast.

It doesn't matter. It does, I think. It does to me because I feel like sometimes we burrow in. But we got a taser. I bought a taser on Amazon so so Pimp could hit me with it. So if I was talking about comedy too much, he could just go like. But it's for hogs. So it would kill me?

Right on the thing it says Do not use this on... Yeah, we'll cause cardiac arrest in humans. So you bought it, never used it. And do you want them to just hold it? And then you just... You know what I mean? Like it's a sit...

Someone had a great idea. Pregnancy's a simulator. It creates... You put it on your abs and it creates the pain of pregnancy. Or like a period. Like when you see those guys that are just like, how do you do the dishes with your period? This is crazy.

I need... We're going to get that. I'm going to buy one. I'm so excited for you. This is coming on in 2020. I'm letting you know. New year, new me. We're going to have a pregnancy simulator or a period simulator so that, so when I keep

going like, the thing about writing. I'm just, I'm hurt that I was here before you got your pregnancy simulator. I'll have you back. And we'll have nothing but a comedy conversation. And I want to control it. Oh, yeah. So like I'll start being like in the bits and then I'm just like, and you're like, wait, you're not even getting punished.

You brought it up. You're the one that brought up Conan. You're the one that said late night sets aren't useful anymore. The fact are you doing this to me? Yeah, I like, I just am, that'll be very fun. That'll hurt a lot. Well, I'm just excited for you to become a feminist. It's not really, I'm not really doing it for the feminist aspect as much as this.

But it's going to be, it's going to be a casualty of it. Every time you think of comedy, you're going to think about women's rights. I'm going to go out in the living room and go, hey, Katie, I'm really sorry. Yeah. I'm sorry for everything you're bent there. Fuck that. I'm going to go, no wonder you guys are fucking psychos.

That shit hurts. This hurts. This hurts. Yeah, but that was a way around it where I was like, there won't give me a heart attack because I don't want to get stunned. But I do think it's funny because I think comics talk about, I think we've ruined some stand up by talking about it too much. I think we've given away a lot of the mystique of it.

And I think we need to go back to shutting the fuck up about it and just doing it. For sure. but I also think everything has become content. Everest. Everything has become content. And if I'm being honest about myself, I don't know anything about anything else.

What would you say outside of stand-up that you know the most about? And be honest. Cats? Cats. You grew up with a vet. Two vet parents, cat specialist. So I would say cats.

And you love cats. I would also say like probably like psychology. but like in a in a real way in a I read too many books and I was in therapy too much way like I wouldn't say listen to me but I would say like hey I like I'm trying to get I would say my identity outside of stand up is I used to read a lot which sounds and I work out a lot I would say um like exercise shut up I'm gonna zap you right now can't I don't have my period band on it should only be for stand up and it's not even about stand up I'd just be like I don't like your response I mean it's gonna be wild when I have I guess I've never met. Right, I just go, here you go. You better be fucking cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Steve, I goes, I'm like, everybody has like an insurance thing they feel out. Hey, we got an NDA and an insurance thing in case you fucking kill me with this period simulator. I think as somebody that's a kind of a gym rat, I think like I've done a lot of research about like how the body works and fitness and, you know,

fasting and I don't know, CrossFit, like that kind of shit. But I think the biggest thing is I was a reader. Like I know like two other people that read as much as I do, and I just, even though I'm dyslexic and I read like an idiot, I still absorb information and I like, it's the same way that like comedy makes me excited and I just want to like tell my new joke. Sure.

Reading a, like I'm reading Tupac's biography. Okay. And it's, I love it so much. As a white lady with a bandana on in your hair like that, you look like, you're like, you read a chapter and snap. You're like, oh, oh, my black king, what you had to go through, what you had to go through. But right now, I'm reading about his mom being a Black Panther and, like, representing herself. Like, she was supposed to go to jail for 300 years.

There was, like, some fucked up situation in, like, the 70s. And she represented herself and just how, like, incredibly smart and, like, create, like, like, like, creative and, like, thoughtful. And, you know, she had a very checkered or horrible past. She became addicted to crack and stuff. But, like, reading that and, like, I've always been a huge hip-hop fan. I like learning about the music side of things. I've always let stand up and hip hop have a lot of similarities. Oh, fuck.

No, you shut up. 100% disagree. It's my subway take. Put sunglasses on me. 100% disagree. People at hip hop are coming from real experiences. We are fucking clowns. No, no, no.

The writing process? Sure. I think it can be similar to songwriting. I can see the similarities of songwriting and joke writing. I think biographies should be written by your enemies. Oh, because they can make it sound like she studied and she beat the court. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This bitch got lucky.

Just some lady that didn't like her, she goes, I'm going to tell you right now. That's guilty as hell. Which is funny because my boyfriend is an editor and he edited the Diddy Doc, which is produced by 50 cent, which is his enemy. Which is now the Diddy lawyers are like, please don't let that come out. But it's so it might be out now. It is. It's out today. I'm going to tell you right.

It's out today? Yeah, it's all today. I'm going to have to watch it this afternoon while I'm putting on ornaments. on my Christmas tree. Oh, the holy jolly, in the background, it's like, did he raped over 50 men? In case you didn't know. Oh, my golly, have a holly.

He raped as much as he produced. He raped. I agree with you about biographies. But I also am somebody that likes, I like stories so much. And I like hearing how people persevered and how people got, like some yeah biographies can be very helpful uh when i was younger i was especially in my late

teens early 20s i was obsessed with reading biographies because i loved reading about successful people that went on to do great things that had horrible shit happened to them when they were kids and for some reason that made the horrible shit i was going through a lot easier because i was going well this fucking guy turned out great and he his whole family got murdered and you're like that's you know i think that's what can be great about reading biographies as you go like there's a similarity in someone's even like crazy old shit about like Alexander the Great you read something you go I can kind of understand that struggle but but I think I'm getting back into it because right now it used to be that trends and life changed on a seven to 12 year

basis right oh it is weekly exactly and as somebody that is you know a creative person a working comedian who is a freelancer. I am so lost. Like in a way that I can't process. I used to be like on it. Like I loved business. I loved the creativity of business and I'm not there anymore. Like I'm and so a biography shows even if it's not every week like it is now, it shows hey, this was working, this was working and then it stopped. Think about your favorite band from the 90s. That was the biggest band ever and you know playing stadiums and now they're playing. the same venue they started at. And how do you...

I always love that. I was actually talking about this last night at the cellar about bands that evolve, I think, are the ones that I always like... If you're a fan of a band, I've been a fan of Queens of the Stone Age for like 28 years. And I would say like, you know,

I've been with them every evolutionary step of the way because you let them lead. They're a band. band they're going to give you the album it's then you're it's like it's a it's a relationship where they put out an album and you go I don't like it but then the next album you like it it could be but then there are the fans that go I wish they'd just be more like songs for the death why can't they be like desert rock and stoner rock and shit and you go because they're fucking twenty eight years older yeah they're fucking older let them be older let them be old maybe

you should be old maybe and also this is the thing about fandom in the United States because everything is a dollar, every kind of like a meet and greet, Patreon, give me your money, give me your money. Fans don't realize that you have all the power. Just leave. Yeah. You can just stop.

Like a lot of times those bands that were really big in the 90s, that's why I used to love VH1 behind the music. Yeah. Because VH1 behind the music would show you that all these commonalities of like, oh, they thought that they were better than everybody. They thought they were like divine in like, given this like right and then they crash because they go like fuck it wasn't there's this

great book this guy sam sheridan wrote these two books called a fighter's heart and a fighter's mind and he like talks to like professional fighters about all these aspects but a fighter's mind is really good because he talks to the coaches about like how they coach these guys up to go and fucking basically try to kill each other and he's talking to freddie roach the boxing trainer and Freddie Roach was like, I would rather have a guy with a couple losses than a guy that's undefeated because a guy that's undefeated sometimes, a lot of times their brains, they think it's a God-given talent. And then they lose and they go, well, God's forsaken me versus someone who has lost and rebuilt themselves. And then they go, oh, if I lose, I can just rebuild. I've been, I've been to

the pathway. And it's like, that I think needs to be taught more than like, you're the man. you're killing it, nothing goes your way. It's like, no, no, no, something's going to not go your way and you need to know how to respond to that. I think one of the most toxic things that has come out in the last five to ten years is the phrase, the goat. There isn't. There cannot be multiple goats.

It is a singular phrase. But also, why can it also be your peak right now or you're doing really great? How about eras? Michael Jordan did not play in the same NBA that LeBron James played in. Joe Montana did not play in the same NFL that Tom Brady played in. It's just, and you can't compare. Colin Quinn had a great joke in Schumer's movie Train Rec, where he gave a monologue, Colin Quinn played her dad,

and he's like, at the home giving a monologue about Babe Ruth. And he's like, it's really funny. He's like, yeah, Babe Ruth, he wouldn't be able to hang out with, he wouldn't be able to hang on the diamond with 12-year-old Dominicans now. And you're like, he's right. But it's such a good point. Yeah. It's like, yeah, dude, if you played in an all-white NBA, you weren't shit.

I don't care if you were a shoot of the scooter And you're like, fucking he had 46 points It's like you weren't going against a six foot nine guy That moved like he's five foot eight Yeah Should just change I also just don't think they knew about protein So I just I don't think they knew about water They go drink milk

It makes you stay you don't need water That's for ladies That's for ladies washing their hair But yeah I think saying everything's the goat Saying everything it's like But it isn't someone can be just he's just really good He's really good And by the way, something that's really enjoyable is like learning to like shit that you didn't like.

That's like one of the coolest parts about life. You know what I got into this year? Real big cantaloupe and melons. Used to hate them. I thought you were going to say a skill and then you just were like, fruit. Have you heard of it? Fruit. Used to hate cantalopes.

Used to hate melon. My mom used to love eating candleloat. I was like, get that shit away from me. And then you get older and you take a bite and you go, this is nature's candy. This is real good. This is real nice. This is real good.

And you go, I like candle. I feel like Neo and Matrix where I go, I like cannolo. We put in the program for him to like succulent fruits. But it is. It's like I think that needs to be pushed more than they're the greatest of all time is maybe you'll learn to like something you hated. I remember, like, your parents' music from when you were a kid. Yeah. A lot of times when you're a teenager, you're like, ugh, I don't want to listen to Steve

Winwood. Bonnie Rate sucks. Now we're on a fucking road trip. I'm like, let's toss on some Steve Winwood, dude. Let's get back in the high life. Bonnie was our age when she made it. So you better respect Bonnie. Do you, Bonnie Rite?

I loved Bonnie Rade back in the day, and I love her even more now. And I go, oh, when I was young, I was always, like, embarrassed because I had friends whose parents listen to like Metallica and guns and roses and you're like oh shit and then my mom's like putting on Bonnie rate with like a drink being like my mom listen and then now I'm like now I put it on and I'm like that's why I love it my mom was into two albums uh she loved prince great and queen damn yeah my mom my mom was fucking you had no idea how much your mom was fucking it was so you always learned about who your parents are Robert Palmer Yeah, which is all sex music.

It's all. What the fuck? The lights are wrong, but you're not home. Yeah, dude, your mom was. Oh, because you're on. Jesus Christ. Your mind is not your own. All I can see is my little old lady mom.

Be nice to my mom. No, hell no. She was built, too. She had kids. Yeah, dude, that's like, it's funny because I always was like, oh, when you see the personality, my dad was a Jimmy Buffer fan. So that was a giveaway, that he was just a fall-down alcoholic. And then, you know, my mom liked all that.

Like, mom, like, after a long day at work and have a cocktail, stirring it with her finger. Being like, I met a guy out of the classifieds. His name is Eric, and we're going to fucking, we're going to the Emerald Isle for a rounded drinks, listening to Bonnie Raid. And meanwhile, I'm just slamming two pieces of five, I'm slamming my action things together.

Like, yeah, dude, it's growing. That's what I'm like really loving about getting older. It's like you just learn like, oh, you were wrong. Like I didn't like something and I was wrong about it. And that's fine. No one cares. But also I think I obviously your taste changes. But like I got into cooking because of the pandemic.

I never cooked. I was never good at it. I hated it. I thought it was a waste of time. And then I started cooking with one of my roommates. And like I didn't want to touch the meat. I was like it looks weird and I don't like it. So he would do meat.

I would do vegetables. And then I moved out. And I was like, oh, I got to touch the meat. I hate this. Which is a phrase I don't think I want to say again. We'll bleep that out. We have your feet covered. That was my biggest concern.

Don't have your feet out and say that or else it's going to be a fucking logistic nightmare. But I started, I was, I was single. I was living on my own or living like alone for the first time. And I... You're just stirring, reading Tupac's mom's bio going, get them, girl. Yeah, yeah. Get up. Making a stew.

You go, oh, this fucking court system has no idea what this bitch is about to get. Oh, get a mama. He's talking like pock. Yeah, no, I get his voice. He's a Gemini. I'm a Gemini. I feel very close to him. Bipolar.

What? That's that Che joke where he's like mental health hit the black community too late. He's like, I know a lot of bipolar women calling themselves Gemini's. It's one of my favorite jokes. But I started cooking and it's just like anything you learn, right? And you start to, before the recipe tells you, you start to know what to do. you're doing it before and you're like it's the same way with like joke writing or for me like with exercises I learned some new you know whatever and then all of a sudden I was just like

oh I'm correcting my own form and da-da-da-da and I do think there's something about the the empowerment of of starting over that is no longer kind of talked about anymore like because it's everything is like a fucking idiot they don't know what they're doing and you're like I'm just trying well when you start over and you learn something you don't need these frivolous companies that sell you will do everything for you for sure that's the half of the sale of AI is it'll do all the menial shit you don't want to do and you go and you don't have to learn the devil's in the details you got to go learn how to do all this shit it was always like i talk about this a lot but i'm always impressed i'm way more impressed with anyone that started

a business over someone that made it in entertainment for sure i go uh someone that made an entertainment they might have talent then they're good at lying and being friends with the right people but you start a business like an actual business like you're selling shit and you got like a brick and mortar store i'm you got to wake up go there every day this has been my fucking thing i want someone to implement no more um board of directors if you if you own a company you got to work like the guy that owns the chipotle needs to be at chipotle i can't just have a guy reading things going like we're to cut staff by 20 it's like you need to know i want you to know everyone that comes in and works

and I want you to go, you know, remember when we were growing up, they'd go, let me speak to the owner. Yeah, yeah, yeah, a guy would come out and he'd go, can I help you? I have this fucking problem. This guy's being rude. He's like, well, he's my employee,

let me talk to him. That's gone. And of course, they're going to give you shitty service. They're not talking to the guy. But also, like, so they've been talking about how most food, think of, like, Chipotle, sweet green, all those kind of, like, chains

that were, like, blew the fuck up are now they're gross. Like, it's just everything. about it is like not the same quality food or whatever but it's also i mean yes we're making decisions on saving money but even if you can't put your your finger on it why this burrito that is you've always gotten it might not even have changed price just doesn't seem right yeah somebody made a decision to go to a different me person because it was 10 cents cheaper overall you know and they never they didn't go and say it'd be like you still like your burritos do you care like you know what

I mean, and you just lose all... The perfect example of that is saracha. I love saracha. Yeah. There was a farm that was making the saracha, like the peppers and shit for the saracha. That was in that classic dragon bottle or whatever, the one we all know with the green tip and shit.

Yeah. I read this article that that company wanted to save money, so they went to a different farm and everyone was like, your saracha sucks now. And then the company that was making that, Saracha goes, well, we still got that farm. We're still making the children. So that's the shit that I buy.

I'll go find that. You can look it up. It's real easy to find on Google. But now I'll buy that like in a two pack. And it's the old soror. And you're like, holy shit, this is how it used to taste. You know what? And it's just because the company that had the bottling,

my buddy works for Tito's vodka. And he's worked in the liquor industry for a while. And his first job in the liquor industry was working for kettle one. And I would talk about gray goose. And I'd be like, this is when I was drinking. And he's like, gray goose vodka is a shit vodka. they just pay a lot of money for the bottling and everyone gets fooled and so it's like well yeah of course you're gonna get duped because they go look at this bottle and you go oh it's shit but so i i'm allergic

to yeast so i still i sucks yeah it does i haven't drank in over 10 years but in the beginning they told me i could have triple distilled vodka which i'm allergic to yeast too yeah oh jesus because it makes me want to blow my brains out in the morning but but i remember being at the stand the original stands, the small one. And I told Chris, because he offered me a drink and I was like, oh, I can only have triple distilled vodka, but I actually just don't like vodka. I think it's gross. So I just stopped drinking.

And he goes, you need the good stuff. And I go, I don't know what the fuck he poured me. He first poured me like just a little bit of vodka. And I was like, I'm not that kind of drinker. He goes, taste it. And I was pretty good. And then he made me like, I don't know, like whatever orange. It's been so long.

Screw driver? Just orange juice and vodka? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something very simple. Love it? I was like, oh, this is amazing. Oh. And I was like, oh, I'm too poor to have good.

I mean, when you have, like, good alcohol, you're like, oh. Oh. I got, when I got hired by Diageo to work for Guinness, like to be there, you can, when you're an employee of Diageo, you can go to their bar. They have a bar in their office in Midtown, and you don't pay because you're an employee. You don't even, you're not even allowed to tip. And I drank Johnny Walker, uh, blue. And it was like, it was just so smooth.

I was like, I don't drink scotch. And one of the guys I was working was like, if you ever, he goes, you should, we own Johnny Walker. You should have the best Johnny Walker you can have. And it was, and it was just a giant ice cube. And I was like, am I a man now? Yeah.

I go, I'll go to war. Send me to war. I'm here. I also start a business and sire a son. But yeah, it really is. You really realize you're like, I'm poor as shit. You have like good stuff and you're like, You don't even know what you're missing.

You're just like, I don't like vodka. And then you just realize you're like, oh, I. Or you like it too much and you go, why am I drinking the stuff we're detailing the silverware with it does Camino's? I'd come in and hung over with an orange juice and I'd be like, sorry, I'm doing sidework. And then you get fucking hair. Just drinking gas with orange juice. Felt like a dragon drinking that shit. You're like, when you drink detail vodka, there is a moment where you go, I think I have a problem.

Yeah, yeah. That's like one of the ones where you go, all right. Right. People are you taking nail polish off? Like why, what does that smell? Shout out to all my fellow servers that were drinking deep out. There were a couple of us.

Do you still drink? No, I haven't drank 13 years. Really? Like you're sober? Like you made a decision? I get high. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I like getting, I love getting high, but I don't drink alcohol.

Okay. Because it was a real problem. It was a slippery slope. Oh, it was just. You're a minute. I think I was around. I think I've solved. Yeah.

I think I've had many, you know what's so funny because when you said the Golden Retriever thing, I like I couldn't have been more accurate but I have like I have a vivid memory of doing a bar show somewhere in the East Village with you and you asked me a question and you I mean you're always been the nicest person I I you know but you asked me a question and it wasn't until after you left that I was like is he is he going to get a home okay like it was you were that level of like because you're you come off as very happy sure but then I watched you stumble and I it was the first time I ever. worried about a man getting home. Oh, man, I would get home. I might have fallen asleep on a train or at a train stop. But you're like three times bigger than me. And I literally was just like, should I pay for his cab?

When people tell you, when people ask you if you're, if I got hammered at a guy code premiere party, I mean blackout. I started drinking, I started drinking at Stand Up New York. I don't like when you brag, but please continue. I was at Stand Up New York. doing shots and then I was this is how bad it was

I was doing shots and drinking rum and cokes okay so I was doing a shot with the rum and coke which is wild bag here and they were at some there was a ping pong

place that Susan Sarandon used to own that was like it might have been before she owned it I vaguely remember this it was called like ping or something yes yeah yeah they had the premier party there and I showed up

pretty drunk and then I got very drunk because there was open bar and so I was doing shots of Crown Royal you're like

everybody looks like a lizard somehow and I was just talking to people I was just like I had my beer and I was talking to people and I remember

specifically Andrew Schultz and whoever he was with at the time he's there and I'm talking to him and he looks at me and he goes you think you should go home

like that and I remember going like oh no I was like oh no no and then I was leaving and then I was like banging up the staircase and I was like what a it was such a polite way of going you're going to ruin something very quickly

yeah but it was like everyone thinks the haunted house is mean but it tells you to get out yeah just listen to the house where he goes get out get out get out and then there's no problem and then you can go once I moved into a house and then it told me to get out so I got out And then I don't know, then I left. But that's how I felt when he was like. I love how your alcoholism is a poltergeist that just told you the truth. Well, just, but like, because he wasn't like,

Shultz wasn't mean about it. He just went like, you think you should go right now? And I was like, yeah, I have just been pounding Crown Royal at the bar. I'll probably get out of here. And when it has to do with like career stuff, you're like, hey, bud. That's the thing, that's the warning you want.

Yeah. Because I woke up the next day and I was like, oh, thank God I left. Because I remember being outside smoking a cigarette Getting into a cab and someone from the production staff or something was like What? They like they just got there. You know when production like shows up with their backpacks after they leave the office? And they were like, you're leaving? And I was like I got in the cab and it was like thank God. Yeah, I'm so glad. I would have stayed there and been like oh no. And just like truly burned bridges in real time. Oh, that was the warning I got. That was the thing. Sometimes you get a warning where like a friend will tell you something and you go, yeah, I could see the that happening and it was it was brian cobblmann who created billions after i did montreal he was like

you drink up there and i was like oh yeah and he was like that's your one problem he goes because you're going to get drunk and you're going to make a joke and someone's not going to take it as a joke and then that guy could affect your career and i was like uh a hundred percent that's gonna happen that's all i kept because i always thought alcohol was my superpower of like grabbing people and be like what's up by the runners and then you're like oh yeah but then you say the stupid shit Yeah. Or. And if you have no recollection of it, how do you even change?

Yeah. How do you? We talked about drinking. I've been talking about drinking too much. What are we not a lot? Why are we not a lot to talk about anything? Because I talk about stuff too much. And you have a podcast.

What is happening right now? You know what? I listen to the comment section. That's what's happening right now. I just. I think there's some validity to that, but also like, I don't know. I have like four subjects that I know anything about as we've discussed. Cats.

exercise psychology comedy and reading comedy that's that's it yeah and I'm not even a good reader mine are booze comedy wrestling baseball dad's I excel it dead dad dad I could talk dead dad for hours and 49ers in the San Francisco 49ers because of my dad dad there are one in the same okay that's like a side it's like a side do you think your love of cats is related to your parents being vets Do you think that like... So keep in mind, we had a small ranch house and next to it was another small ranch house that my mom had a cat clinic at.

So I didn't have a babysitter. I would literally after... The cats watched you? The cats watched me. After elementary school, I would sit in the lobby of my mom's practice while she worked and I would do my homework in the lobby of her cat clinic. So all I know is, like, everywhere we lived

was next to or near my parents animal hospital. So I've just, and we had every animal you can possibly think of. But I also think my parents are very, lonely sad people and they I think animals were safe for them sure and that that also felt safe for us that's great so I'm all of my ability to communicate is either through a book yeah or because my friends like I remember like my girlfriends in high school because I was very shy and very quiet wall writing jokes I started stand up when I was 16 but I forgot that I forgot that so yeah so like I was nobody ever was like you're funny

you should do it. People were like, you seem sad. Yeah. You know what I mean? Why do you hiss at me? Yeah, yeah. It's still a tactic. I walk home late at night. It helps. It works. I would back off a bitch hissing at me.

Yeah. But I think in general, animals just as, it doesn't matter what, it could be a lizard. It could be a dog. It could be a rat. Like any kind of pet you have is usually a connection to a part, like, to like emotions that you can't connect to. Absolutely. Because here it, like, like, you know, it's a, it's a, it's a different type of relationship, but like my cats, the, you know, the dogs that I've had that we had a chameleon, like you think of it, whatever animal, that's, you know, they're little corks. Sure. You know everything about them? Like the chameleon, I knew what color it turned when it was mad. You know what I mean?

Yeah, of course. It's red, so it's kind of obvious. Hack. Should have gone. Yeah, yeah. Should have gone with the smoother color. Come on, man. Keep them guessing.

But, but, but like, you, you, like, you, like, I. I remember a good friend of mine, he likes snakes. I was never a snake person. He likes snakes. You do not have snake lady energy at all. But you would have been smoking inside. You've gone, I don't care if you say yes or no, I'm fucking doing this. You ever watch a boa eat a rat?

I don't smoke enough to have a snake. But he gave me a snake and he was showing me how it shows affection. And I just never knew. No thanks. And knowing how it showed affection, all of a sudden that kind of cataly, I was like, oh, that's all I care about. Now you like snakes. Yeah.

Because you can see them We found out When dogs lick their tongue Their Like their tongue I mean when the dogs lick their nose Yeah That's their like

Self-soothing thing And so now She learned that online And we both know it now And now when Myrtle licks her nose We're like All right well I'm sorry You're fucking insecure

Like we're insigures And we're like When you see that in an animal You go well maybe I'll just Live you alone Maybe I'll just leave you alone On the couch I didn't know you're having a panic attack

Oh sorry I'm fucking swarming on you Heaven forbid I fucking love you but yeah I understand that but it's a safer way to understand somebody right like I can tell you so I have I have two cats lunchbox and ghost good names thank you their brothers they're very different sure and so if you walked into my apartment and you wanted their attention I can tell you exactly how to get lunchboxes attention I know exactly how to get close and then ghost can be a little bitey sometimes I can tell you when to stop giving that attention to protect you think about that with emotions for people and how people don't do nearly that much work because they use their words

right and it can be hurtful so like i'm i think a lot of people are like this but like when i'm tired or hungry god help us all that's everybody sure that's like everybody and everybody has to have that moment where you're a dickhead and then you eat and you go fuck i was just hungry yeah like i drove i drove five hours for thanksgiving i had my one of my buddies can't drive and my brother's horrific and driving so i drove the whole way and so i came in and my parents bombarded me with questions and i was like hey i'm hungry and they're like yeah yeah but did that and i go hey i'm hungry And they're like, I was like, I cannot do this. And either you need to give me cheese immediately or you need to leave me the fuck alone.

Like I was so mean. And then everybody was like, and then your mom was like kennel her. Put her in the kennel. This is what happens when our kids misbehaved. How is that any different than fucking ghost nipping at me and being like, I'm fucking hungry. Yeah. And I can see it says eight o'clock you like, like I, but like that my, our dog didn't eat, uh, we forgot to feed her breakfast.

We forgot to feed her breakfast Bad parents And then later Katie was like When I was about to go on the walk She had to do the thing where she goes Remember she didn't eat breakfast So she's gonna be a fucking nightmare on this walk And it helped me

Because I was like oh yeah She's gonna try to eat everything Because she's fucking she didn't get breakfast Yeah Yeah that's I hope a lot of people Could take from that Maybe you're hungry Maybe you're hungry

I mean I think that most of the time But like even when it's I know certain things agitate me in a way that I'm the worst version of myself. And I think my parents and I think myself, I think animals were the safest way to learn both love and understanding people's flaws and accepting them. That's a great way of looking at it.

I wish more animal owners did that than you wouldn't have so many shitty animals because they're just raised. Oh, for sure. It was raised horribly. Of course. But like we even talked about at the beginning. Like you, there is a, I have an old joke from my first album about how I,

I have a lot of, like, obviously, mental illness and, like, issues and, like, emotional issues. And I have a cat who has mental health and emotional issues. Like, there's no way for me to have not implemented that on there. Full circle, baby. Right to the beginning where Myrtle is a fucking problem because I'm a fucking problem. Liz Mealy is one of the best. Go watch your specials on YouTube. The newest one just came out.

Space Camp. Space Camp. Yeah. Come on. Go check it out. Go subscribe to her YouTube. Honestly, just like pure standard. up one of my favorites.

Great joke writer. She's hilarious. Liz Millie is the best. Thanks, I'll see you next time. I would like that. Oh, when I have my, when I have the periods.

I really want to be a part of that. We won't talk stand-up. Not only would not talk stand-up, I think I can ruin our friendship quick. Oh, welcome of that. It's very big. Thank you.