Soder - 117: The Enabler with Kathleen Madigan | Soder Podcast | EP 115

Episode Date: January 20, 2026

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Hey guys, Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour is starting back up in February. February 13th, we kick back off in Orlando, but we're coming to Tampa, Buffalo, New York, Philadelphia, Boston, Dallas, Houston, Oklahoma City. The list goes on and on. Go to Dan Soder.com and see all announced dates. All dates are up and the tickets are on sale. Go buy tickets right now. I really appreciate it.

And I hope you're doing okay. How tall are you? Five one. Five one? Maybe. What, it was that the, is that where,

maybe? Maybe. It started at five one and a half. So maybe five and a half. Was that ever a moment where you're like, did you hated being short? No, I prefer it.

Because you fit everywhere. You should watch me see Juan Barclay through an airport. Yeah. It's amazing. Tall people do not see me. Yeah. I'm almost like a child. Sometimes it's irritating.

Because the level you're moving. Yeah, but like if I'm standing in line to get on the plane, and it's always dudes. I hate to say, but women wouldn't do it. Sure. It's just, well, men are a lot taller. Anyway, they'll just walk right by me.

And I don't think they're being rude. I do not think they saw me. I'm just like, I'm there. Sometimes I'll yell if Jones traveling with me. I'm like, I'm a fucking person. Like, God damn, you guys. Oh, my God, that little girl got so upset. Yeah, yeah.

Where's her parents? Yeah. Oh, my God. I wonder if she emancipated from her family. Yeah, I mean, that is a thing where you don't realize, it's the Clark Ken argument. Everyone was always like Clark Kent, that's so stupid. You put on glasses, they're going to know it's Superman.

And then you see it, you know, it actually works way better than you think. You would think, yeah. I remember one time after a show at Helium in Philadelphia, me and my buddy that was with me on the show went to go get food at a restaurant that was still open. It was like the Thursday night show, so the restaurants were still open. And we walked in and I had glasses at the times before I got LASIC. So I had my glasses on after the show because I don't wear them on stage.

And I had my glasses on and this couple from the show was talking to my friend and they were like, you were great. They were like, what a show. And you know the comic thing where they tell your feature you're great and then you go, well, I hate myself. Right.

You were kind of good too. Yeah. But then they were like, where's the guy that was, I was standing next to him? They were like, where's the guy that was the headliner? And I was like, that was me. And they were like, oh. And you're like, so I guess glasses do fool people.

They can, I think, alter yourself enough that people don't know. Yeah. Also, it is like the hiding in plain sight thing where it's like, like you said, people don't even notice you. No. And if I have my glasses on, if somebody thinks it's me, they'll be like, hey, I think it. I'm like, yeah, all right, you got me. It's like tag. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, laser tag out in the general public. And I'm like, you got me. You're, your laser's straight. You're right. But have you ever noticed in the airport the three seconds of thought someone puts in when they look at you and they go. Well, if I make eye contact. it's over now. They're coming.

They're coming for the picture. If I make eye contact in the airport, I'll go at the confirmation. But sometimes you'll notice it and you go, I have about three seconds to get out of here. Yeah, I'll tell her. I'm like, there's a guy on the right. He's staring.

And it's not like, and they were, oh, my fucking biker bar by my house, I go, there's a dude behind you doing really weird shit. He was like kind of dancing. Okay. But he looked like Tim McGraw. He was really handsome. I'm very heads up skull cap on the whole thing.

But it's a biker bar. And then I didn't think he was doing it to me, but it was in the direction of me. Well, he was like sexy dance. Like trying to get my attention. Oh, really? Goofy. Hey, ladies.

You know, I kind of went like that. Like, I don't know what's going on to here. But then he came over. He's like, I'm just going to say it. I'm the owner. My name's Craig. And he owned the biker bar. I was like, I've met another man that claimed he owned this bar.

Like six months ago. As someone that is very. gullible, people can always get me with that. I own the bar. Where they go, I, I do this and I go, well, that's who you are. You claimed it first in my brain. I believe you. Why would anyone lie about it?

It's a shithole. I mean, it is the shittiest bar. It's the most fun, but it's not. That's the kind of bar that makes me miss drinking. Yeah. Yeah. Like a shitty, a good shitty bar. I would, yeah, I would hate to quit drinking because all my places are kind of drinky-centric.

Lake bar. Well, the lake bar you could go to and still have fun and not drink. Yeah, but you go. But there is a feeling of like, um, of like, bars stylistically that draw me in. Me too.

And there's eyes. Like a place that looks like your, your eyes have to focus when you walk in from outside. Right. That's the kind of bar that I want to drink in. I went in Post Malone's new one on Broadway and it's the thing I love the most. It is nighttime in there. Yeah.

I don't care what time of day it is. It is like nine o'clock at night. And boom, it's pitch black. and the bands are great. I need casino like loss of day. Yes. I need to walk.

Otherwise I feel half-ass guilty. I'm like, well, I could be taking a walk. I could be. Yeah, but the best is when you're drinking during the day and then you go outside and you feel that like, I've got a secret and no one knows. Hillary Miller used to do a joke that it's God's flashlight. Yeah, that's funny.

For the drunk. It's really funny. You're like, oh, no, no, no. Something about being day drunk always to me felt like, like a fun secret. Just like walking around. It's like you got away with it. And then a three o'clock nap and then wake up and it's like nothing even

happened. Yeah. It's exactly what I did on New Year's Eve. Yeah. That's great. With my cousins. Yeah, we went downtown Broadway day drinking. They're from St.

Louis. So they wanted to go. Everybody that comes to Nashville wants to go to. And I don't mind going to Broadway in the day. I will not go at night. Maybe a Monday or Tuesday. It's just too crowded. It's too many.

If I see anybody under 40, I'm like, I'm out. It's time to go home. Dr. I got to go home now because they're here. They're coming. This is a promissory note that there are thousands more on their way.

And I'm out. Their war cries like a woo. Yeah. People over 40 don't woo when they drink. Especially the Bachelorette. And there's nine million of them in Nashville. They don't even know what they're wooing about. That's like, it always made me laughing movies where they're like, there's a storm coming.

And that's how you know. And they go like, woo. I need y'all to finish your drink and get the hell out of it. And then in Nashville, they're encouraging it from. stage too because it's the woohoo country people whoo hoohoo so it just doesn't stop how long have you been in nashville for like 11 years like i went before it became a thing yeah but i only went because little dorf it zany dorf bryan was like i was like i was like i got to get out of l a i never did like it sure it's not my thing but i stayed for work and then i was like you know i

don't need to be here anymore like all the late night shows were either moving here or and that's all i don't want to be in a sitcom i don't want to be in a movie you stand-up yeah i don't want to do any of that. Like they offered me some sitcom thing on something and I go, just politely tell them I'm busy or whatever. However, it doesn't make you look like shit because the agency. They're the ones that are like, I said that you already committed. And so they, it was to go audition for it. Then they came back and they said, well, you can skip that part. Just go straight to the producers. I go, no, I meant I don't want to be in it. I didn't do that as a bargaining chip to like raise the ante. And then they just offered it to me. I'm like, I still don't want to be in a sitcom.

Nothing's changed from two days ago until now. I don't want to be in a sitcom. I'm not an actor. I don't have the patience. And you're like, and I don't want to do this game. I hate it. I hate it.

I went one time I went to Lewis Blacks, like one of my oldest friends. And he was going to be on the Big Bang theory as like some nutty professor. Sure. And he goes, go with me. I go, oh, Lou, I don't. Please, please.

He goes, I'll buy you two bottles of wine. I go, all right. If you're going to buy good ones, I'll go. And his assistant is assistant at the time. and we were there from four to 11. Yeah. He was in a scene no longer than five minutes. At the very end of the episode,

we drank a bottle of wine. I memorized his lines with him. I memorized the whole script. I'm like, do you love this? Yeah. What are you making? You know, I had to go. He loves it.

I had to go through that to realize that I wasn't a fan of it. Cut out of it. It's just, it really is like you're in a room or a trailer and then they come to you and they go, hey, we got to push this back six hours. So we don't need you until about 8 p.m. and you go, then why was I here at 9 a.m.?

Because I'm not doing anything. Right. Lewis, you're the last scene. That's in the script. Why are we here at four? We went in eight in the commissary deal. We wandered around. We smoked cigarettes.

I'm like, I'm drinking. Me and Shay drank the white wine. And we're like, I'm like, I don't got to do anything except run lines with you, but you already know them. I just, that whole world, I'm like, like Lee, I'm friends with Leanne. Sure. And she loves.

She's doing great, right. She's doing awesome. And I'm so happy, happy, happy. Yeah. I'm very jealous. She has a beagle that I want to steal. But she always dreamt of having a sitcom. Yeah.

Like if you were, like when I was a kid and watched, I don't know, the Roseanne sitcom, I didn't think, oh, I would like to do that. Sure. No. But would she be on the Tonight Show and just do five minutes and leave? I'm like, that'd be good. How do I get? Yeah, just five minutes.

And I'm out. and you call me when you're ready, and I'm only there an hour and a half tops. Do you think it's a control thing? Because I think with stand-ups, like we like to control the entire joke. Well, I am not a control freak. It's when I'm with people who seemingly have zero control,

then I get irritated where I'm like, what the fuck? Hey, Mr. Lighting, man. Why did this take eight times? Hey, Mr. Sound lady, whatever. Like, I don't understand. the delays and maybe it's just because I don't know enough about it, but I'd become extremely impatient. Because I'm like, how long did it take to make fucking braveheart? This is one episode

of the Big Bang Theory and we have been here for seven hours. Seven hours of my life. I always, when I saw all that time, I was always, I was more impressed with stars of shows because I played a small part like Lewis did. So I was around once in a while. I was amazed when I'd see these guys like Paul Giamatti or Damian Lewis with a binder of their scripts. And they're going through monologues, learning the next episode while filming the current episode. And you're like, how does you bring work like that?

I don't know. Lewis's can work like that. But then also, if you go on a movie set, like I used to think, no offense, but I'm not sure Keanu Reeves is like the smartest guy in the room. I do love his acting.

I think he's like emotional intelligence is very high. Yeah, yeah, but like, I don't know if. SATs. Yeah, yeah, probably not.

Yeah, I don't know if I want to buy my quiz bowl team. But I'm like, how does he memorize all those lines? But then you go on a movie set, you really only need to know like five that day. Yeah. That's all we're going to get to. Or maybe one big scene. And they say that.

They're going to film like two pages. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. So even I could handle maybe that. But I don't want to. I want none of it. No. How old were you when you started doing stand-up?

Like 23. Okay. So, and I had jobs like a bartend. I still bartended. I always bartended until like quit, quit. But I had a day job. and I didn't. It's fine.

And you started at St. Louis? Yeah. So I got lucky because the Funny Bones headquarters was there at the time. Yeah. So if you... That's like the classic Funny Bone. Yeah. It's like the original.

The original. Original. Original. There were two in St. Louis, but I was by the one that was the original, the good one Westmore. And I mean, the amount of people that that club has put into the world stand-up-wise. It's a lot. It's so overlooked.

Boston, Philly, all these cities get credit. But St. Louis is like... I talked about this with Chad Daniels. it's like crazy how many people came out of St. Louis. A lot of black people. And everybody overlooks all that. Cedric, Levelle. Nobody knows it.

I didn't know Lavel Crawford was St. Louis. Yeah, I think we're 90% sure we swam together as kids in the public pool. That's crazy. Levelle, like, there's no way you forget about me. I was the fattest child in the whole pool. And I'm like, Levelle, not saying nothing for nothing, but there were a lot of fat black kids. A lot of fat white kids too. But as far as which fat kid of my talk.

It's America. He's like, oh, go on, I got a pit head. I'm unforgettable. I'm unforgettable. The way I breathe, you would have heard me breathing in the pool. It was like Ferguson, Floreson, Ferguson, that area. Yeah, yeah. Bananas, that's where we grew up.

So, him said, nobody knows it, but rerun from that old sitcom. Really? Yeah, because he used to come over to open mic nights. I'm like, oh, that's rerun? I'm like, oh, my God. I'm like, oh, is that rerun? Why is he here? Why the fuck is Louis?

I'm like, wow, Red Fox. Yeah. Like, there's a crazy amount. For some reason, I thought Red Fox was... Nope. He's St. Louis. Yeah. They still...

I'm so proud of the young people because when they graffiti, they still graffiti red fox stuff. That's great. That's awesome that I would not think a 20-something would have any idea who that was. Joe List always used to tell me this bar story, and I don't know how true it is,

but it makes me laugh so hard about Red Fox doing a gig in Vegas. And he comes out, and it's the Sanford and Sun's theme, like the... Right. Babon-bav-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-d-and-and-he. And he comes out in the crowd. I was like half full and he goes, fuck this shit and just walks off.

And the band just plays that right. That always made me laugh of walking up, grabbing a microphone, go fuck this shit. Yeah, St. Louis. I saw a guy at Open Mic Night. This was the funniest thing. It was his first time ever. And I was with my sister who was such a harsh judge. But she was hanging out with me and Lou and Ron.

And we go to this open mic night. She's like, these people are terrible. I mean, who's going to tell them? Is somebody going to tell them? Are you just going to let him come back every week and act like an idiot? I said, you know, okay, you're a little judgmental because you're hanging out with people that have done this for 20 years. It's not really a fair.

This one guy comes out, takes a look around. He goes, nope. And he left. That's right. That might be the greatest open mic set. Yeah, I would give him the night's grand prize of $25. You win, dude. At least give you $25 or showing up.

And he just saw the crowd and went, I can't do this. I always liked when people just straight up disrespect, like didn't care in a way that looked freeing. Yeah, I don't have that. I started in two, yeah, I mean, either. That's why I was like so in awe of that. I wanted to do great every open mic. Time to talk to you about Delete Me.

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overdraft coverage, borrow, cashback offers, and promotions provided by Cash App, a block incorporated brand. Visit cash. dot app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosure. There was this little Mexican dude, because I started in two zone and he was just a weird place to start yeah not a good place to start no it's like really

starting in the in the middle of nowhere you're doing like don't even go there until you do big theaters i mean you're telling me because i would watch the headliners that would come through the club and it was all people that if they were good had horrible addictions it's problems yeah there's problems if they're good you go ah what's this guy's problem why is he here right he'd be in phoenix if he was doing all right right but uh this at our open mind there was just this Mexican dude from the south side of Tucson, and he would just smoke these, like, giant cigar-sized joints. You know, not even a blunt.

It would be joint paper. And he would get so high. And he'd just go up on stage. He's just a little Mexican dude. And he'd go, white people. And he'd start laughing. He'd go, you guys are crazy. You're like spit all the time.

And he would make himself laugh in a way that it was the hardest I've ever laughed in an open mic. He got me because I was like, Get it. What do we do spit? And he was like, you guys be speeding all the time? And I was like, this guy's right. I was just in the back die. I was also probably drunk.

But I was like, this is so funny. Because I just like the idea of someone showing up and watching us with our theater kid energy being like, it has to be a wonderful performance. And him being like, shut the fuck up. I'm a roofer. I don't give a fuck. I feel like sometimes, well, I don't know if he does it anymore. Felipe. He's great.

He was another one that I felt like, I'm not really sure. cares in a good way. I followed him recently at the comedy store and he had such a set that I felt like I was giving a book report after him. Oh. Because he's so loose and he's like, what's this lady do? And then I'm up there and I'm like, these are the jokes that I have written and they go like this.

And I just felt like the audience is like. I have segues from one to two to three so you can follow along. I might as well have gone on stage and gone one two three, one two, two. A lot of the Denver comics I feel like really. And it wasn't structured because people were like, like Rick Cairns. I loved Rick Curts. But Rick didn't clearly doesn't give a shit. I mean, but he knows he's funny.

He's very funny. And he would just go up there and start. And we're not supposed to smoke in here anymore. And then he'd light a cigarette Osage. I'm like, wow, he doesn't even care like if the owner's mad at him. But I am a rule follower. Totally. I always.

Catholic school forever. I was looking up about you. You went to Osage. I went to school for two and a half years in the lake. the Ozarks, Osage, yes, and then we moved back to St. Louis. But was that the Osage? Because I just read the book, Killers of the Flower Moon. Was that part of the Osage?

Nation. Yes, that we were the Osage Indians. So that was the same school that all the tribe went to. Yes, but by the time I got there, there were no more tribes. I don't know where they went. Oh, I don't know. Well, that's what freaked me out. Like the first time I went to Colorado, I said to Rick Kerns, I go, that's a really big Mexican,

dude. He goes, Kathleen, that's not a Mexican. I'm like, really? He goes, no, it's an Indian. I'm like, what? Yeah. We were told in the Midwest they all died. No.

That's what we were. I'm not even joking. That's what, because we didn't have any reservations. We didn't have any tribes left. Everybody went boom to Oklahoma. And then I thought they fizzled out. This is not like a joke.

I'm not trying to be. Yeah, no, they're alive. They're not alive. I've only, I've learned more about Indians doing casinos. Yeah, well,

they own them. Tribes. I know. And they'll let you know. And I, and I like it. Everybody picks me up as part of the tribe. I learn all about the tribe.

I know about the Mohicans. from all the way the Padawatomies and Wisconsin. What's interesting is they have very strict rules about drinking. That's like one of the things. Depends on the tribe. I used to work when I started in Tucson. I'd work the Sholo Casino, the Honda Casino in Sholo, Arizona, which is Apache Reservation.

And you go up there and they go, you don't drink before. You don't drink on stage. You don't drink before you go on stage. You only drink after, which at first I was like, look at these Native Americans fighting back. And then you go, now it's comics. that blew that. That's more of a performer.

We fuck that. That's on us. That's not on American history. That wasn't fire water. That was the white man being fucking blackout on during his, but it, um. I remember I did one with Roseanne in Minnesota. This was a long time ago, like 20 years ago. And she kept going, hey, I don't want any vodka.

I'm like, nah, I'm more of a beer, wine person. But I couldn't understand why she kept offering me vodka. Well, then the show was over and I go out to what appears to be a bar. Sure. It was trickery. I go up and I'm like, hey, can I get a bud light? And they're like, we don't have any alcohol. I'm like, what is?

And then I started looking closer. They were all non-alcoholic beers or tea. Yeah. Or I'm like, oh, you know, okay. If you're not going to have the drinks, that's one thing. But they put a fake trick bar here. I got so excited. And then I'm like, where's the closest beer?

They're like off the reservation. I'm like, how big is the reservation? 300 miles like in circling. I'm like, that was the only time my life. They go, why do you think we're on the reservation? I'm an alcoholic. Like my foot started twitching when I heard 300 miles. I'm like, I'm going back to find Roseanne.

And I'm going to learn to like vodka. But that's what it is. Tonight's the first night. There's a Denver comic. I love them, still friends with him, Troy Baxley. Yes, I know Troy. Yeah. I used to open for Troy.

Oh, my. And so when I would open for him, he'd go, I was drinking. We'd drink together. And here'd go. I could only drink with Troy to a certain tipping point. Yeah, I watched him put away a bottle of whiskey one day on an empty stomach. And I was like, I think you're a machine. But Troy and I, before we, that casino that I was telling you about, he went, you got a drink in the room before you go down.

And I was like, what do you mean? Drink in the room. Tailgate by yourself. And then he's like, that's what he called it. He goes, do you want to tailgate in the room with me? And I go, why are we tailgate? We're going down to a show. There's a bar and shit.

And then we went down there and they're like, no drinking before. And you're like, I feel like a lot of them, though, didn't have liquor licenses. And I feel like a lot of them have then since updated that. Like that one in Minnesota now that didn't have, they do. They do. Yeah. And that's probably what it is. I think they weren't because they were bingo halls.

A lot of them were bingo halls to start with. And then they graduated to, uh, like slots. You could have slots, but they are what you say you can't have table games because that's a game of skill. I'm like, well, then you have not seen me play blackjack. There is zero skill involved.

If anything, it's anti-skill. Like I literally cannot add. So then the table came later. And now I feel like they got, I mean, if you go to like talking stick, it's Godstale, you don't even know you're not in Vegas. I mean, it's as good as Vegas.

Well, I remember like Healer River in Phoenix, you would go and there was like limited table games. There was like stuff. It's always weird when they go like, you could play up to $5. And you're right. Then you come back 10 years later and they're like, we got our licenses. I think it was just a process. Like in the Midwest, we had to start out. This is all the Catholics trying to trick the Baptist.

Sure. And we get some of the Jews on our side. Yeah. We can wrangle us. for teammates to go, come on, we're not living like this, right? Come on, we can't cut off booze on a Sunday. What's his blue law shit? Why don't we have a lottery?

Did you guys have it in Missouri, blue laws? Oh, yeah, we had to go to Illinois. And which is right across the river. Right, so it's five minutes from where I live. There's a lot of people that don't know what blue laws are. So blue laws were created, for those of you that don't know, during, I believe, when we were the 13 colonies and it was like a Puritan thing. I didn't even know that.

I got to look more into it, but the blue laws are, how I grew up understanding them in Colorado. No booze on Sunday. For sale. For sale. No. You can't sell booze in a grocery store. Right.

You cannot sell it. It has to be specifically in a liquor store from this time to this time. Yes. And not on Sundays. Right. Not on the Lord's Day. I moved to Arizona for college. They're selling Jack Daniels in the grocery store at fries.

You can just pick up a Jack Daniels. Yeah, that's St. Louis. And I was like, well, let's fucking go. Because we had three, two beer in the grocery store. gross. I know. Why bother? Have you?

But when you're 17 and you want to drink beer, you'll drink 20 of them to feel a buzz. Well, how about when you go to like Seattle and there's a state-sponsored liquor store? I'm like, what kind of communist bullshit is this? Why would you ever have a sale if it's the state selling it? Yeah. So my Bud Light or my Miller Light's never going to be on sale. And it's a separate trip. I'm like, look, in St.

Louis, I can go into the grocery store and get every, you can get whiskey, beer, wine. I was shocked that there's. States with these, they still, South Carolina still has that baby bottle. That's crazy. In the bars where you get that, you get a, they just give you a little airport, airplane. Yeah. And they warn you.

They're like, look, this is a shot in a half. So for every two drinks you drank, you really drank three. But I'm like, who is it, Strom Thurman? Who's in charge of this shit that's still getting a kickback from the tiny bottle. Well, I own my tiny bottling company. And that's why I've been getting my money since the 18, nine to six when I was bald. But it is.

Somebody in Denver used to take two on stage. He goes, I like to walk down the middle of the plane and go, I'm a giant. I'm a giant. It's so stupid. It's funny.

There's nothing more alcoholic than someone side-sipping a tiny bottle. And then you're like, wow, you're hiding that. Wow. You are real, you got a real fucking problem.

No one's going to judge that. You could shoot 10 of those and I'd be like, you good? You ready? And it always blew my mind, though, when I moved Arizona

that I could buy just like beer at like just the Texaco. A gas station. Yeah, right. I was going to get a 12-pack because I was so used to Colorado. I think one of the first times with my fake idea, I bought a 12-pack. I remember what it was. It was Milwaukee's best.

Oh, God. And I drank an 18-pack in my dorm room watching football on a Saturday thinking, oh, it's like 3-2 beer. I bought it at a gas station, and I was not blacked out. Got caught. My RA opened the door and I was in a beanbag, and there was just, beer cans. My roommate was like, my roommate in college was like, you're, there's beer cans

all over the dorm room. And I was like, well, yeah, I was getting drunk watching college football. And I just, I had one bean bag that the Milwaukee's best 18 pack was on and I was on the other one. And I just kept taking them, drinking them and then putting them around me. And they, I remember, the guy opened the door and it's like, come on, man. My R.A. was, because the door was open and he was like asking about a hallway thing.

He's like, he can't ignore that. He's like, I got to write you up. He goes, you try to hide it. And I'm like, yeah, right. Write me up if you want. Up till, like, when I moved to Nashville, this probably stopped five years ago. They still had a law on Sundays. I could buy wine. I did a big joke.

I don't even remember the joke. I could buy wine. No, I could buy beer, but not wine. And then I went into this whole thing about Jesus really liked wine, so I don't understand why. If we're going to pick an alcohol to sell on Sunday in his honor, if this is a Christian thing or a Baptist thing, it's always the Baptist. Baptist want to take away all the fun. this is what we did in this. Catholics just want to go be upset about it.

We want to make the fun. We want to make the fun. And then feel bad about it. Yeah, that's fine. We had to start out with River Boke family. This is how we tricked the Baptist. We told them, you're going to get on a boat. So it's really going to be like a dinner cruise.

And it's three hours, and there's a maximum amount you can lose. And you've got a card. So the way the card worked, you could maybe, like, and don't think I haven't done it, scrounge around to see if anybody left their cards and machines, like if you're out of money. Yeah. But I'm like, if you lose your $500 max in the first hour of the cruise on the Mississippi, the beautiful Mississippi full bodies and logs, you are no longer in a casino. You're on a $500 boat right in the dark.

And you can't get off until it goes back. So then finally we were like, we trick, it's entry level things. You got an entry level of them. We entry, we got that going with. Then we were like, ah, the boat's broke. Totally bullshit. Now the boat doesn't have to move. So, and the Baptist kind of.

I didn't notice. And then we're like, well, define a river. Yeah. And people just started like making ponds and shit. And then there's a heras. I'm like, there was no river there. Are we just done with that? The flooded parking lot led to the heras.

Yeah, we just totally bypassed all their bullshit. It took like five years. Well, that's how it was. But now there's just full-blown casinos in St. Louis. But that's how they were with-cans. Kansas City, too. Because you remember, I mean, I remember when casinos first started coming to the United States outside of Vegas and Reno and shit, and they were going,

it's for the Native Americans. They did like that thing. See, we didn't even have that. In Colorado. Yeah. Because Colorado, it's inescapable that you're on native land. Right. You've like literally growing up there, I would find arrowheads playing.

Like we'd be out in the field and you'd be like, you would lose your shit. Because you'd be like, I'm out of an arrow. Because you would find like a real one. Yeah. It would not like a bullshit one. No, I found plenty of real ones in the woods in Missouri by the creek beds. They're always by the creek beds. They're always washed up.

In ours, it was a field where you could tell they were hunting. I lived like next to a large, where I grew up in South, I grew up in Aurora. It was still undeveloped. So you would like go out. And what we would do is we'd go look for bugs under rocks. That was like our, you know, or like an eight-year-old boy. Could be a snake there too. There weren't a lot of rattlers.

That's why we were allowed to go. The snakes were all garden or they weren't poisonous. Okay. Because that's why people from Colorado, there's like guys that you could probably trace them back to fur trappers in the 15th century. like their family. They just know the land. And they're like,

there's no rattlers over there. You can go play. So we'd like go. There are areas. Yeah. But we'd go and we'd just lift up rocks and see the bugs and shit and they're like throw the rocks.

You just do dumb little boy shit. But when you would find a real one, you would lose it. Keep it in your fight about it and be like, I saw it first. But then you grow up and you start learning history and you go, oh. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. This might have been. I don't think it was. I don't think it was Mission Viejo the whole time. Turns out that was built in the 70s. But you go, I think this is,

but then I remember in Colorado, they were like with Black Hawk and a couple other places, they're like, hey, we're giving casinos, but it's to the Native Americans. So don't get any ideas.

This is just so we can give them some money back. A lot of money back. A lot of money back and everyone, you know, at that time, no, there wasn't so pinged left or right. So everyone went,

even the conservatives were like, that is a nice thing. Oh, okay. We should do. And then everyone was like, we didn't have any Indians to give it to, so we had to make up excuses. Okay. But that's what's funny is you watch the excuses they make because you go, it's the equivalent of a guy trying to get laid.

Ours was tax money for education. Okay, there it is. That's what they did with legal weed in Colorado. And I'm not sure they did that. I just drove through Colorado. The whole thing of their legal weed was 25% of it was supposed to go to roads and schools. No. Eastern Colorado's roads suck ass.

So I don't think that's the case. Yeah, I don't. I don't know. that we ever delivered any cash from the lottery or the casinos or like a who are we kidding we this is harras this is a Vegas like these aren't mom and pop where somebody's going to go hey you guys always you know yeah a 200 grand for last year now but it works just to get it going it really is the did you see by the way uh this made me do you know this this is galley this guy dave ramsie the money guy out of nashville i saw that clip the young man i'm

I'm like, wait a second. He's very anti-draft Kings. He's anti-Fandil. Really? Very. I love it. I think it's going to be worse to Americans than the opioid crisis. Really?

I think it's going to ruin an entire generation. I'm going to teach people how to build a better parley. Why is everybody losing? I'm going to tell you right now, Kathleen, you are a different ilk. What your idea of gambling is is not what this is. In the same way that I grew up smoking weed with sticks and seeds that was like actual weed, whatever this is now is a psychotic agent. It's like they're making it too powerful. Weeds gotten away from itself. Do you think it's because of the visual? You mean like the algorithms

that just keep? I think right now the way you grew up gambling and the way your family grew up gambling or anybody you knew gambled. But I gamble on my phone. Great things and all that. Because I think you're a different generation. I think you grew up remembering the fear of a loan shark. Okay. The fear of a bookie, the fear of if I don't pay this, something dangerous is going to happen to me. That is not in their head. Well, what do they think? What do they think is going to have it? It just go off their phone?

It's a video game. It's like them playing solitaire. It's like them doing anything, but they don't realize it's addictive and you're going to lose your fucking house. You're going to lose your bank account. You're going to lose. See, I don't know one person. Like all the, all the year.

Off air, I can tell you five people. There's people in comedy that I know that have problems. See, I know the people in comedy that are the younger guys that are doing it, and maybe they're hiding it for me, but I haven't heard. They're not, by the way, a problem. As someone that is an addict and knows addicts, they're not up front about it. They're not going to see you and go, well, I can't handle my gambling. No, no, no, no, I know every gambler or smoker.

We all lie about whatever, like, oh, or even to the, I lie to the doctor. Like, I don't even care. Like, do you drink socially? Yeah. But I'm super-doper social. You can't believe on social. God, when they listed it, I did it for real one time.

I listed the amount of drinks I had. You can't do that. And the doctor was like, dude. It was a free clinic. It's when I used to go to Bellevue. I used to drink 60, because I knew around every night

I would have eight beers and eight shots. Because I was a shot in a beer guy. Oh, yeah. And so I knew about, I would do about eight or nine rounds. And one time I was just in a bad mood, hungover. And the doctor was like,

how many drinks do you have in a week? And I was like, probably over like 115. And the guy was like, Are you fucking serious? And I was like, I don't know. Are we rounding down or rounded up? And he was like.

I always was amazed at the Texas comics that shot in a beer was their thing. That's my thing. Their thing. Like I never even. A Jameson and a cold Budweiser was absolutely my thing. Oh my God. Jameson on top. Wow.

Like I was thinking like a lemon drop or something. I wanted a room. A vodka. I wanted a room temp. A whiskey. You want to feel it, go down and burn your chest. And then I have a cold beer to chase it. I see.

And I would do, usually my hang was, I would do probably like two rounds of shots in a beer, go outside smoke a cigarette. Best cigarette in the world. Oh yeah, I bet. And then I'd come back in and have another shot in a beer, like a reward for finishing the cigarette. Go for you.

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That's M-A-C-W-E-L-D-O-N.com. Code Dan. Back to the show, baby. Nate Bargettze and I, you know, he doesn't drink anymore. I don't drink any, but me, him and Joe List, we're like a drinking group. when Nate lived in New York and Nate would always say it. You go, if you cut out the shots,

I think you could drink the rest of your life and I went, I don't want to cut out the shots. Well, yeah. I love the shots. Something's got to give. The shots are why I'm here. What if you cut out the beer? Tried it.

What about a non-alcoholic beer? What about a non-alcoholic beer? I drink NAs all the time. I just couldn't drink it with alcohol. That's what I'm saying, though. You could have kept your shots. Yeah, but N.A beers when I quit 13 years ago, kind of gross.

Sucked. I know my mom. My mom drank Odules. I know it was gross. I was just like, I don't want to see what it tastes like. Hineken Zeros are awesome. Stella Zeros are awesome. I think McGulcher makes one now, too, that's not bad.

Yeah, athletic does a great non-athlet. Like, I can go to bars again because I can have non-alcoholics. And I feel like. I don't think these kids know how to gamble right. I think it's. I mean, I'm not going to be an enabler, but. I think it's infected sports. I would go farther and say,

I think you don't like sports if you gamble. I don't think you're a true sports fan. Well, no, here's a difference. This is where I would defend that. Like, if it's a game I truly care about, I do not bet on it. Sure. Because I don't, especially if I don't think my team's going to win.

I don't want to bet on the other team to win. Although it's kind of a cover your ass thing. But it makes me interested in games I would not normally give a shit. So does fantasy football. I feel like that has single-handedly saved the NFL. Why the fuck would I sit around and watch, I don't know, pick the Raiders play, who's the second worst team, the Titans. Because you love football.

No, no. They're horrible. There's no reason anyone would watch that game unless your child was playing. There would be no other goddamn reason. I know the guy who's the dad of one of the running backs on the Titans. He's like, yeah, I think I'm probably the only one still watching. I said, well, I go down there a lot. You know, it's just fun.

There's a moonshine 10, and then all my friends are down there. I think what it's done is, I don't think you're wrong. I think you're right about games you don't give a shit. It's fun to put some skin on the game and care. I used to like that when I was sitting around with a friend and go, 20 bucks, I'll take. Like Keith Robinson and I used to do that. We wouldn't even use points.

I just go down and we go, all right, I'm going to pick three teams. You pick the winners. Let's pick the winners and let's bet. It was cash. And then you've got to come. back down to the cellar and give me my money if I fucking, if I win and vice versa. And then you might care about one of those games. It's a piece of

shit game that you would not watch. These kids now, though, they're on their phones nonstop. Everyone's on their phones. Fuck these kids. It's everybody. Everybody's on their phone, nonstop. And we, it's all a trick to get us to feel dopamine. They don't

care about us. They're trying to get us to stay on our phone as much as possible. So, draft Kings, isn't the same as the guy you knew in St. Lewis running numbers because you'd have to go to him and go, I want the Cardinals and I want the brewers and then you have to go to your cousin for a loan. Yeah. I went through that. Yeah. It was really my cousin coming to me when I was bartending and going, Kathleen, you wouldn't happen to have like an extra three grand. Yeah. I'm fucking college. I'm in college.

I am bartending. I'm making $58 a night, Mike. Like, no, I don't. Yeah, I do. I have three grand sitting around. No. But I'm like, what happened to you? But see it happened to him back then. Yeah. He got in way too deep betting on baseball. And I think you get that times a million with these apps. Because these apps, you sign up, you link your bank account, and now you're in it. And now they do these things where they have all these commercials. Every comp, most comics I know are sponsored by a gambling app, do gambling app.

And by the way, every comic that does a gambling app commercial, could you put a little fucking effort into it? Yeah. Jesus Christ. They're all pretty late. I'm watching all my friends these things where they go where they're reading it

like they're blind. This is every thing's ad that I see comics do. Hey, what's up guys? I know you're really excited for that upcoming tournament. Don't forget to get fun action. All this.

You fucking pimp. You're just pimping your fans out. I don't even think Jamie Fox speaks. No. He just walks in a field of gold. Kevin Hart. There's gold lighting and he's gold. The ones that I've seen where I'm like, oh.

And Kevin Hart and LeBron are being And charming, fuck you. And all buddy, buddy. When you know. I can't believe LeBron. What game did you bet on? Kevin Hart, you see it and you go, you're a billionaire. It was a joke that I put on YouTube.

Why are, how much money is enough? What, maybe we could bet on that. I don't know. I don't understand why they would take the gig, except I think they might like it. Like, I love. Then you should, you should, they should sponsor you.

I have a speech for those people that's a good ad because I'm passionate about it. This is. I think about dopamine for the young people. I guess I get it. I don't feel like anything on my phone is addictive. I'm just saying right now, you sound like the kind of person that goes,

you should smoke in a hospital. It's a stress reliever. And then we're going to grow up and go, remember when you thought smoking in hospitals was okay? I want to have a show after intervention called the enabler where I teach you how to gamble. Do you know how many people I've taught how to gamble? I know how to do you know how to play crafts?

And it is not fun for me to keep repeating, this pattern of here's how you play video poker. You should play double double bonus poker. Here's what you should do. You want to go for four aces. Fuck the Royal Flush. It goes on and on. Let me tell you right now.

That is what I loved about gambling culture. When I learned how to play blackjack, when I learned how to play craps, when I learned what a parlay was, when I learned, when I learned, I had a couple friends that went to the,

went to UNLV. So they lived in Vegas. So by your sophomore year at UNLV, If you're a sports fan, you might as well run a sports book because you can just do like my, yeah. I would go up to Vegas and this is 2002, and I would go up there and they'd go, oh, we go to the off the strip sports book, better odds.

And then you go into this giant room in a mini mall and it's all these guys in velour sweatsuits. But it was better odds. Way better. And affordable beers and affordable food. Three dollar beers. And you're sitting around watching. And somebody's got a hot dog.

And it is fun. But it was also. the social aspect of having a beer and watching the game and then taking your ticket. That was my rule that I only bet on sports if you can give me a ticket that I can walk to a game. Well, that's where, okay. So when I go to Vegas, I gamble like a motherfucker on sports. You go to the window. I go right to the window.

I know how to fill it out because I like having that shorthand. I have friends that worked at the horse tracks in high school. Well, I was going to say you want to. That's gambling. Do you want to say, I'm the smoke in the hospital lady. who's still sitting in the horse racing book. A lot of guys. Borgata.

Yeah. Well, it's all old people. Yeah. I don't even think young people have a concept of horse racing. And horse racing. If you like gambling, horse racing is... Yeah, I used to go to the track every Friday with my dad.

It's like wine. It's like you can bet on stuff and think you know... You can drink wine with a nice Italian dinner and think you know red wine. But then when you get into wine, Really good. That's horse racing. Right. Horse racing is like you're a salmolier of gambling.

Because you go, I'm not only going to hit the trifecta, I'm going to go. Yeah. I'm going to go for all of it. But you also got to be able to read the racing form, like runs well in the mud. Like that's abbreviated. Exactly. You need to know what all that means. I respect that.

I respect. It's an education. I respect people that learn their vices. Like if you have a vice and you've learned about it, I respect the fuck out of you. The reason I think... One old man came up to me at the track one time. He goes, honey, let me see your program.

And I opened it. He goes, go to page six. And it was a list of the jockeys. He goes, Dave Gall. See that name, Dave Gall? He's going to win two races every night of his goddamn life here. Put all your money on all the races. Just bet on Dave Gall.

And I thought, is he right? Like, why would he come up like a saint? Like, it was like an angel. Because I'm wrong. I'm a gambling angel. I'm Ron Gall. I'm Dave's brother. Guy needs a good PR.

He's living. A little. Eddie, the dude was right. He was? Yes, he was right. Like, what I didn't, I'm bad at math. So I was like, well, wait, if I bet, you know, I didn't have any money. Like $20 a race and that's times 10 as $200.

What if the races he doesn't pay, you know, you got to make sure you picked the one where he wasn't favored it. It's very complicated. This is where I will agree with you on Dr. So this thing, because you're talking about getting the ticket. So Jardings, occasionally it'll go, hey, Kathleen, looks like you made a shitty bet. you want to get out of it for 30 bucks? Like let's say I bet 200 and it's clear I'm going to lose. Well, kind of clear to them.

Sure. They're like, they offer me an out. Yeah. But I think that was to appease the Baptist and shit because then you can tell. It's always the Baptist. Kathleen Madigan hates the Baptist. I love the Baptist. She goes on here and she goes, let me tell you what, first stop, fuck John and everyone after it.

I love their food. But they have wonderful Sunday food. But I think that was to say, oh, well, we'll let people get out of there. But I said, can you imagine walking up to a cage in Vegas? Let's say about it on the Cowboys. And I put 500 bucks on the Cowboys to win. And it's clear they're getting their asses kicked. And if I walked up to a cage of Vegas and go, man, I really fucked up on this one.

Is there any way I can get like 80 bucks back? Oh, my God. The Black lady with tropical nails behind the thing, we go, Miss, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but that is not how we do things here at the MGM. It would just be a sure. I ain't got the time. Next. Next.

Next. Do you want to color them or not? Are you here to color some chips or not? But it is weird that they, the first time that ever came up on my phone, I was like, what? You're going to let me out of a bet with some of my money back. Not much. It's usually like a pittance.

Like if you bet a hundred, they're going to give you 18, well, eight. But that's what that's, that's, that's trickery. That's trickery. I agree. That should be axed from the thing. And it is, I think if you're going to gamble, it should be social. I don't think it should be on your phone where you can lock it away where you You can keep it secret.

And I also think it's poser. But maybe that's because you drank alone. Yeah, I know. I drank alone a lot. I love drinking a lot. I love drinking a lot. But you're right. It's probably me projecting that.

But I would say another theory of mine is that poser culture has taken over the United States. So people, if you used to want to get into something like comedy, go hang out at the funny bone. And you learn how to do open mics. And then you'd be around it. And watch it. And watch it. And then you learn how to do it. And then you become friends with people like Lewis Black and Ron White.

And you guys are all three of you guys legends in stand up. Because you spent the years doing a road. I was in this gig and I did this gig. And we live together. That's why I have such good old friends because we lived in these comedy condos. Randomly you just get assigned to two more people every week. On crunchy carpet. And for whatever reason, like I was always with Ron.

I love it. Or Foxworthy. One of those two, I'm like, a Bill Engville, that's where the beer in the shot, beer in the shot, Ron, beer in a shot. I'm like, is everyone in Texas this fucking drunk? Because I've seen you drink 16 beers, Ron. I've seen you and you smoke weed outside. And you're smoking cigarettes with me and the weed.

And he did quit drinking, though. I will give Ron. He drinks Stella Zeros. Yeah. Whenever I go to the mothership, there's Stella Zeros. And I always make sure I don't drink too many because I know Ron, those are wrongs. But then he came up to my house and he was there for like a week. And I said to my younger brother, he goes, how's Ron doing it?

They're not drinking. I go good. But this was right when he quit. So my mom went through rehab and all this stuff. So I do get the addiction. I go, but he's like quadruple down on the weed. And now he's kind of boring. He just kind of stares off into space.

Yeah, but if you could ride those thoughts, you'd have no idea. Well, he's having a wonderful time on my porch. But I'm sitting here waiting to go do something. Like, come on, let's take the boat out. Let's go fishing. Like, we want to go golfing. I said, would it be bad to tell a lifelong friend? Could you just drink like three beers?

Like, yeah, I would never. I would never. There are friends of mine. But now he leveled out. But I get it. You quit something. He needed to triple down for a hot minute. You just need to, you know what you need to do?

You're just moving out of something. So you got to put all your stuff on something else until it's gone and then you move it back. Well, he went to the Costa Rican jungle. And I go, do you think this is a good idea at 60 something to go to a jungle? I like it. Where there's no medical help anywhere around. And you're a giant man who could have a heart attack. I'm not predicting that.

I'm just saying these are things. It worked, though. He came back. I said, well, what did we learn on our Hiawathaista? Yeah, Ayahuasca? Oh, you did Ayahuasca? Oh, yeah. And he was shit in a bucket and threw up a bunch.

It sounds awful. Yeah, it sounds horrific. Every time I've talked to somebody about it, though, like you lay on the ground and puking shit for like three days and cry. For three days. Yeah. But then they basically tell you you ring it all out of you. Maybe.

So when you come back, you go. Well, he had tried everything else. And I do get it. He's like, Maddie, I've been every other, I can't. I'm not going. back and sitting in Betty Ford or whatever, whatever. But I said, what did you learn? He goes, here's what I learned.

Did you know there's such thing as real holler monkeys? I go, yes. I watched the nature channel a lot. He goes, no, I mean, they're fucking loud. Even the other monkeys are like, shut the fuck up. And I said, that's all you remember from two weeks in a Costa Rican juggle. If you're shitting and puking and there's monkeys screaming, you get annoyed. I always think you might be a little terrified.

Yeah. They're that angry, loud. They're going, stop, puking and shit. And the monkeys are like, stop. That's what they're screaming about. But I think, like, to my point of, like, poser culture taking over America. I mean by that. I mean that, like, I'm a stand-up comedian and put clips of you doing stand-up, but you've never done it.

You didn't go to an open mic. You didn't go learn the thing. Where would your clip be from then? Just you go into a comedy club and you go, hey, I got 500,000. You know, you can be a stream. Oh, you mean like go up on open mic night? Yeah. But you're not really trying to be a comedian.

Or what I've seen in clubs is these people that have huge social media followings that are like influencers and then they go, well, I'm going to do stand up because I can, because an agent goes, you know how much money you can make if you sell out helium Thursdays? And then are they doing it? Yeah, but they're horrible. I haven't seen like. It's bad.

It's real bad. But I mean. Like everybody in Nashville that goes up on a new material Monday because I went down a lot after COVID. I'm like, I need to remember how to do my accent. I need to see shit again. Because when I'm off, I'm off. There's no comedy happening.

I'm off. I'm fishing or golfing. And I was like, shit. But I felt like every, but I don't really know their process. I've never asked Dorff. Everybody that went up was trying. Well, that's,

like, but it's not LA or New York. I think, I think I'm being, I'm not talking about open mics. I'm talking specifically about people that jump into stand up. From like TikTok.

Yes. Okay. I know there's names. And they put them in big theaters. Yes. Well, they're all getting demoted though. I call them the one lapper.

You get one lap around the country. I hope you saw every zoo you wanted to go to because you ain't going back on somebody else's dime. You're going to have to pay to go back and go to that Omaha Zoo that you fucking miss with the best guerrilla exhibit in the United States. That Omaha Zoo is fucking great. It's great. But there is. They all are dropping those. So it's not working.

I know what you mean now. But that's what I mean of it gets people into a thing that you used to have to learn or be interested in to get into. And that's what I mean about gambling. Gambling used to be, hey, my uncle runs numbers. A culture. Oh, do you want to learn? it was a culture. That's exactly what it is.

It feels like the culture in the United States is all turned into something marketable and flimsy and it's like a cardboard cut out. It's not to do it anymore. You're gambling because you like to gamble because you grew up around people gambling. You kind of knew how it all worked. You kind of the intricacies of it. So you get a draft king's tool and it's great because you go look at this convenience of this thing I've done my whole life.

Right. I'd have to call somebody before and then, you know, I got to call Bob and then his Booker Mike. My friend's dad was a bookie. And then we said a number. My grandpa's sister went to prison for this. That's what I mean. Nora was a bokey.

And she got caught. My friend's dad was a bookie and I was like, do you miss it? And he's like, no. She loved it. She went back out of prison and did it again. But it was funny. She just kept doing it. She never stopped.

He said that. And then I walked away and I go, hey, dad says he doesn't miss being a boogie. And I went, oh, God damn it. And it's like, because that's how they heck out of me. But you know, we still. still need them. There are people who still like them. It's like the weed guy.

Like when we became legal, none of my pothead friends go to those stores and shit. They still have their weed guy. Ron is weed guy. It's probably 180 years old. I don't even know how, but Ron's had the same weed guy forever and ever and ever. He's like,

nah, I wouldn't trash anybody but my weed guy. Honestly, can I tell you the thing I want out of success is not a mansion or, I mean, that would be nice, but I want a weed guy. I want what Ron has.

Because I have to go to the stores and stuff, but I want a guy that I know where he's growing it. I know what it is. And he's proud of it. And he's proud of it. Yeah, very proud of it. And there are those guys out there. And it's just like, I need to find.

I surprised in Colorado there weren't a bunch. Oh, there were. Before the stores open. Oh, my God. You go to Boulder. That was the thing. You go up to Boulder, Colorado and you get like fantastic weed. You get like, because that's why I like about weed people do.

That's why I like about weed people do because they're always so generous and nice where they're like, you want some of weed. I got, nah, I'm a waste of weed. I just fall asleep. And I don't think I don't try at least once a year just to check. Because it would be less calories. It'd be better than drinking. And they're like, nah, but you probably grew up on that Missouri dirtweed and you got to have my weed.

I go, that's like telling a baby. You got to have my best whiskey. Don't do it. Just give the baby some well shit. They're just going to pass out. That's exactly what's going to keep your good weed. And I bet you, whatever we smoked in high school was terrible. I'm sure.

I don't even know if I got high. I remember getting like. I think it was just grass. Like actual mulled. I remember getting like thick patties when I lived in Arizona and you'd have to take the sticks and steeds out of it and do it yourself. And then like roll it, like turn it into actual. We, a pile of a pile of wheat.

And then you would put it and then you would. And then that would begin the process of you putting it into something to smoke. But then it got so, you know, commercialized and everything like that with Colorado and everybody legalizing it now that now you go in and you go like, I don't even know if I can trust this shit. So you want a culture to come back. You want to get, okay, you think I want smoking in hospitals. You want back rooms with like, yes, thuggy, mafia people. Yeah, you fucked up.

That will hurt you. Yeah. Okay. I want the risk. Okay. Bring the risk back. That's your dopamine. Take the condom off.

You want the dopamine. You want the dopamine. I want people to gamble knowing the risk of it. Instead of just going, I don't know, I just fill that apart like how I was going to hit. And it's also like, man, it makes everything suck. I watch ESPN and I'm like watching the NFL playoffs and I'm having a great time watching the playoffs

and then they're like, and don't forget, these are our three prop bets of the week and you go, you shouldn't even be saying prop bets. Well, I'm surprised they can't. Yeah, I am always shocked when they go into the gambling part because I was like, oh, I thought we were keeping all that.

No. Separate. We're not. I know. That's my whole problem is like, fantasy football was the blow job to get you to gambling. It just took a long time. I love that too.

But fantasy football because do you remember Dr.coms was originally fantasy football? Yes. And they went out loud and you can find it several times we're not gambling.

This is just fantasy football. It's just for fun. And then they went, gambling's legal and they went, yeah, we're gambling. They just immediately were like, we're just setting you,

we're setting you motherfuckers up to be gambling. And it is like, listen, I don't fault all my friends who do the shit because it is money that helps you with this stuff. Some people I go, I don't think you need money. You know what I mean?

But I understand people that do use the sponsorship. I just think we're headed towards calamity. What's next? What define calamity? What do you see happening? Kids going, kids. 20-something years old having no credit, blowing their credit. We'll never be able to buy a house.

We'll never be able to buy a house. will never be able to fucking buy anything. Because when they were 23, when I was 18 years old, I went to a NHL playoff hockey game. The coyotes were now the Utah hockey club. And I went up. Mammots.

What's that? They're the mammoths. Oh, are they? Oh, they changed it to the mammoths. I like it. Arizona got ripped off. They were a good fan base. Yeah, they really were.

Phoenix was a good NHL fan base. They did. And they got fucked over. on that. Yep, that stadium was too far away though. Yeah, it was. Or the rink. It was, but I went and 18 drinking beers, hockey, having a great time, walked by one of those credit card booths. You did not. You signed up. Signed up. Got a credit card. Went on eBay, went online. This is one like, I was, this is

2002. Online shopping was like pretty new. Maxed out to credit card. Had no money. Chased, got chased by that debt for like six, seven years? It's also fucked up. They put them on college campuses. So once I'm my brother. This is a way worse version. I get it.

My brother is a financial advisor person. And at one point I was trying to buy a house. And I said, I don't know, Pat. There's something wrong with my credit, whatever, blah, blah. Like I don't fit. I said that he goes, man, you got to quit doing shots at this bar banana

republic. I go, it's a store, Pat. It's not a fucking I go, I'm not putting alcohol. He goes, how many bras did you buy that you got the credit card? I said I took it anywhere. They offered it. Yeah.

I'd be like, hey, it's $28 off if you'd, fuck, why wouldn't I? And he's like, you got to get rid of like half of the, like, but my parents should have taught us that. They did not. But they never, here's the deal is we put too much on the parents to teach you not to do that when there's like, there's people outside of your house that are doing waiting for you to fuck up. Well, I don't think my parents knew.

that they were at college. My mom didn't even know I had a credit card. And then, you know, I was paying for everything. I paid for my own college. I paid for everything. And then I called my mom and I'm like, I maxed out. It was $1,100.

That was how much I maxed out the credit card for, $1,100. And that was probably the end of the world. And my mom went, what the fuck? How did you get a credit card? And I was like, I was drunk at a Phoenix Coyote's game. And you only think you only have to be 18. That's right?

You had to be 18 years old to sign up. Is that why they're on campuses? Yeah. Should be 18 and you sign up. So I signed up. got fucked. And I just remember talking to the guy at the agency that was coming for the money.

And he was like, listen, man. Well, there's your dopamine. You want a guy that's going to come hurt you. And he did. You got it. And he was like, you're fucked. He's like,

you're fucked until you pay this off. And you're going to be fucked after that because they know about it for like five more years. And Bobby Kelly was the first person to help me get my credit back when I started headlining. Bobby Kelly was like, all right, dude, my fucking credit was fucked. Here's what you do.

Get an American Express car. because you have to pay it off monthly. He's like, and have it linked to Delta Sky Miles and take as many Delta flights as you can. Best advice I ever got fiscally in comedy. I got my credit out of the shitter, and I got, like, status. I got a bunch of fucking...

So you think the dress things that parents don't even know the 18-year-old signing up? No idea. Or is it 21? I know. It might be 21. You can be 18.

I don't know. I want to look that up before I say anything publicly. but I would say, I think... I would think it'd be 21, right? But it's similar, dude. It's very similar to like... And their parents don't know. No.

Well, where are they... I know people who's... Who's significant others don't know that they have. Well, I know more of that. I know a lot of dudes on the road that are like, hey, when he shows up, don't mention the parleyes and I'm like, all right, I got it, I got it.

And I'm always here to... Versus young people. Well, these guys are fairly young, too, but I mean, the married people, I know there's a lot of hiding and a lot of bullshit. going on. But single guys, comics on the road, I don't, I don't know. I just don't see any despair. Listen, if you got 500 bucks, this is how I feel about casinos too. If you got 500 bucks to go below at a casino, go below 500 bucks. I don't give a shit. When you're taking your something that's reserved

for something else because you go, I can win that back. I can win that. Oh, they're going to give me 30 bucks if the fucking bet went wrong. It's just built for these guys to get sucked in and then have no way out. But it's not, there's my favorite line from Dirty Work when Chevy Chase is the doctor, the Norm MacDonald movie, Dirty Work. I don't know if you've ever seen it. It's great. It's him and Artie Lang, and they do a revenge business. But Chevy Chase is a doctor, and he's a gambling addict, and he keeps bringing up things he gambles on.

And he goes, I don't know. You know, the bills, something, something, Rocky in the second fight of Rocky 3. And Norm McDonald goes, you bet against Rocky in a Rocky movie? He goes, hindsight's 2020, my friends. But he has this line that always makes me laugh where he goes, you know the crazy thing about these bookies? You lose the money, you pay them back, they still break your legs. And it's like, but that's a broken leg will heal,

but your credit might not ever heal. It could be a seven-year journey of undoing all that. And it's just because you watched Kevin Hart throw a touchdown pass to LeBron on a soundstage going, bam, sign up today, get $300 for free. And then you're like, and then you're fucked. And then you're just fucked. And you can't go to Kevin Hart and go, hey, let me get that 7K I lost because, you know. I don't even think they're thinking about that.

I had never thought about it. Honestly, till the Dave Ramsey tweet came out where he was like, we're poisoning it. But here's the other thing, Dave Ramsey. He's a piece of shit. Mr. COVID, everybody has to come to work, old people included. I don't care if you die. Ramsey sucks. You are the party of personal responsibility.

So you can't be saying this because you're the one that says, well, okay, Okay, Dave. How about alcohol? How about weed now? I mean, which is the worst? Is it gambling? Is it alcohol? Is it, we could go on and on and on?

You can't just pick my favorite. And say it's got to be knocked off the list. Fucking take weed off. I don't give a shit. Take oxy guy. I don't care about pills. Take those off the list. Fuck them.

Why not? I can take pills fine. I was addicted to perks when I was 14. But I, my mom has a closet full of dark. They don't even make that anymore, but those pills still work. And if I need one, I could go in there and eat a thousand today. There was one time I was at my grandmas and I found a thing of something called something

sand and I looked and I was like, sedative. And I was trying to quit drinking. I took one of my grandma's pills and I was like, ew, what is this? And she was like, do you know where my medication was for after I had kidney surgery? It was like to calm her down and I was like, oh shit, I took one of them bad boys and melted into the couch. but then I learn my lesson because I go

you don't go digging around me in his medicine cabinet no it don't say anything that ends with Pam Pam my one friend Beth took every pill ever and she's like telling you what Madigan

if you can get it take anything with the ends in Pam I'm like because you are a drug addict yeah Lazzaping they're all just melt into the couch if it ends in Pam you're gonna be sleepy where you take I remember

I was still smoking cigarettes it was like there was like four months that I quit drinking and I still smoked cigarettes and I was at my grandma's house in the Bay Area, or townhouse, and that's when I did it. And I remember it was like, college basketball or something was on. And I went and I went and I was like watching this like Louisville game.

And I was like, I smoked a cigarette. And I came back in and I was like, I feel like a trillion dollars. And then the next thing I know I slept on the couch for like eight hours. It's the opposite of cocaine. It was wild. It was, but honestly, when I was outside smoking, because I remember in her little courtyard or townhouse just feeling like fantastic.

Being like... Oh, Lucy Goosey. I remember doing that thing of going like, I might take the whole bottle with me. Like, this is what's up? And then I fucking went back in the past. But my thing is just, uh,

I don't want to poison my young brothers. What about porn on the phone? I mean... Yeah, I'm listening, man. I can handle my porn on my phone. I'm not addicted to do it. I just think, but where, where, Are we drawing a line here?

Yeah, I think we are because I think if you look at, just open your eyes to it. Start seeing how in everything. I'm going to look at every opening X phone when they go on stage. And I'm looking at their draft kings account. By the way, they're doing a different thing now. They're doing a thing called CAA.

Have you seen that? No. There's new stuff where you can gamble on during the Golden Globes. They were doing a thing where they're like, if you think you know the winner, sign up for this gambling app. and fucking bet on the winner of the best actress in a comedic series. That's straight up gambling attic behavior. That's like when the guy's like, ah, I'm going to gamblers anonymous and they said I can't

gamble. You want to gamble on if I'll keep going? It's like that level. We're getting to like, oh, come on one more. Why do you think it's actually poisoned sports? Like, why does that affect how someone's playing? Do you believe it's fixed for all this shit? Yes.

Oh my gosh, you guys believe all that. Here's my thing with that. I believe you are going to find out in years because also it's already been proven that the NBA had refs gambling on it. Okay, but that whole Patrick Donagin or Donovan guy. Yes, right. But I mean, look at the money they were accepting.

I have a friend. It isn't changed. All right, I'll put it like this. I have a friend that is an NFL coach. He just got fired from the Miami Dolphins. He was the head coach of the Miami Dolphins. I know who that is. Mike.

Mike McDaniel. Yeah, I don't. I grew up with him since seven. grade, I've known him. He spent a coach in the NFL for 20 years. I watched him as a coach level up in ranks or whatever. There is an immediate difference from when gambling apps hit. He gets death threats. His family gets death threats. People around him get death threats. And the NFL wants to keep this on the fucking low. These players and coaches are receiving death threats. Because people's...

But the Phillies, back in the 80s or 90s, that pitcher had to leave town. The guy who lost the World Series game. He had a move. Why is that any different than what we're saying now? Because it's every player now. It's every player. Oh, I guess.

It's not Bill Buckman. Because of fantasy. I get it. It's all because it's everywhere now. It's not... It's not Steve Bartman going over in the Cubs and knocking it over and he's got to leave town because Cubs fans are like, fuck you, you ruined our chance for a World Series.

It's a fucking, it's Raiders, Titans. No one gives his shit. Now, Cam Ward's family's getting threatened. And Derek Henry didn't get me. Yeah. In the back then. So, yeah, so we're going to threaten. I can see that.

I can see that. Oh, I found his wife. But I do think with the fixing, if we're talking about scores, is how I say to my other brother who's like a moron. I'm like, look, there's only two outcomes. Yeah. Okay. That is true.

Either they go over three points or they fucking don't. It's your job to figure out how you think they fixed it. If you think it's fixed, We still have a 50-50 chance of winning the bet. It's just which side. I will tell you right now, I feel like the scientists that no one listens to in the beginning of the movie. I feel like the scientists with the crazy glasses and the weird hair that goes,

that volcano's going to erupt. And everyone goes, shut up, old man. This is the best beach resort in all of the world. You're coming into the party at 10 o'clock when I'm 17 and you're calling the cops. who all got to run and leave the yard, hop a goddamn fence. You're the man.

Yeah. I'm saying, get another keg. I need 20 solo cups. We're going before my parents get home at midnight. Drink fast. And right. And then when you, when if you listen to me and you don't go down with these and you actually can,

hopefully buy a house if the housing market are we going to find out. Is there going to be like Gamblers Anonymous overpack? There's going to be a lot of suicide. There's going to be a lot of heroin use. There's going to be a lot of crime. There's going to be a lot of. of, uh,

do you think this will come down to like a player actually getting hurt or a coach actually getting hurt? Yes. I think someone will get hurt. I think a player will get hurt because of someone's gambling debt. I, I, I don't want to promise that because it's a horrible fucking thing to promise.

Right. But I think that will happen. Encourage those. I've heard rumors that people are joining ICE because of gambling debt. What? Because they're getting a $50,000 bonus. Oh, and it pays off their gambling debt immediately.

Is it true that ICE is only down to 47 days of training? I don't know. That's some shit where you can't even believe the news anymore. But I think... All I know is bartending school is six weeks. Dude. Just saying. Alpac you had to do five follow shifts and that took at least six weeks.

What are you talking about? You want to train at Applebee's cattle company. I had to be a trainee. And Red Robin, I had to learn what it was in the seasoning for at least. I don't know, man. I just feel like... I see what you're saying. And I...

I'm empathetic to these people because I don't... As someone that grew up without a dad, that was misled a lot. Maybe you have to be over 40. Would that make you feel more? I would love that. If they said, over 40 would be great. Because you're saying anybody my age knows the old culture. Your age, you know the old culture.

So we're already all in at the racetrack. This is just an extra fun thing I have at the track. Yeah, that's it. It's just an extra fun thing. And it's Crapsville in Vegas. I can't use draft Kings in the MGM sports book, but I can't use their app either. That's funny because they go, no motherfucker. You want me to fucking get up for.

this comfortable couch and walk way over there. I'm giving the same company the money. It's the same company. He wants to do it. Yeah. Dan will do it. I'm staying right here. I got a cold beer.

Somebody's going to take this seat. You know, they are. They are. And sometimes you have to pay for those couches. I know I'm going on. I know this sounds unfun. And I know this makes me sound like a fucking nerd.

I'm just saying we need to watch out because shit's about. And you personally know people. Yeah. I can't say it on my podcast. Yeah. Really? not a thing where it's going like, oh,

no one got damaged. It's all very secretive then. Yeah. Like, I mean, maybe my nephews in their 20s are doing, I bet.

I know they have it. I bet if you kick the tires around a little bit, you'll find out it's a lot more around than you thought it was. All right. I'm going to start, I'm going to start interviewing every comic.

Well, just go, if you see that gamble, go, how often do you win? How often do you lose? I don't, well, all gamblers lie, but, well, I don't lie.

I'm like, no. If I hit a Royal Flush, I'm like, yeah, it's $4,000. It took me $8,700 to see that. This is how you know a real gambler. Like, I hit a Royal Flush once, and I'm like, finally. That's not the appropriate action to win $4,000. That's not the emotion you're looking for.

You're supposed to be going, fuck, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm like, halfway back. It's going to be a long night sitting here in Harris. I think younger me is pretty bummed out that I have that opinion, you know, because I always wanted to be fun and like, fuck around and fuck you at gamble and shit. It just feels very nefarious how they're doing it. Well, I think the other way seems.

Nah, the other way's got character. How you're walking into a back, fine line between character and nefarious. When you're walking in and your legs may be broken by some guy. I'll tell you the nefarious. I think the mob is better than corporate America. Nefarious, to me, is corporate America with a smile on their face. Going like this,

I understand there were, but there were terms and conditions and you sign the terms and conditions and you have to understand something. We're going to butt fuck you in court versus a guy going, buddy, you don't got the money. I got to break your fucking legs. That's not nefarious to me. That's...

Well, I feel like that mob is doing super nefarious things also with me. Like we're all in it together. And I do not feel like the corporations, aside from fucking us, I don't think they're doing anything nefarious and their human resource department. It's exactly. They do that, like, clean thing.

The mob doesn't have human resources. Yeah, because they go like, oh, I understand that you're, I heard your app wasn't working. How can I help that? Fuck you. You don't want to help me. You want to take more of my money. You know? They want another deposit.

That's like the mob going, you're a good guy. Yeah, you try hard when they pat you on the head. That's the corporate going like, I'm sorry. Well, and sometimes the mob will give you one more chance. There's always the chance they might give you one more. Italians are Catholics, at least they're not Baptists. Come on, let's pray to St. Gabriel or whoever is in charge of gambling. Who's the same charge of gambling?

Let's pray and go, look, just give me one more baseball game. One more baseball game. I'm so confident. I do like, though, that you've pushed back and you've made very good points. That, like, I could be- Personal responsibility. I could be Chicken Little right now. You could door-dash six-packs to your house. Is that bad?

No. You're right. It is. You could take anything and make it bad. I just think we're headed for trouble. Some of us. Fuck Dave Ransy. Some of us build really good parlias.

We put football with golf. That's the key. Listen to me. Listen to I get. You're going to retire from stand up and have one of those green visors on. Have you seen Kathleen Madigan's new fucking gambling show? It's taken over. I was obsessed as like a 21-year-old.

I wanted to be a pit boss. I was so obsessed with craps. Yeah. Well, really I wanted to be a jockey. Because like I don't people go oh you I know I look super good in green satin I mean watch out red hair come on I already have my outfit picked out I'm like I'm gonna be that check the diamond print pattern it's gonna be green and white you're already no way you're gonna be wearing in Illinois because people are like oh with

comedy do you feel like you know your dreams came true I'm like this was not my dream yeah there might be some funny lady riding a horse somewhere right now because I thought I was gonna be a jockey and then I thought I was gonna be a pit boss but I I can't do math. Yeah. Those guys are like fucking human computers. And then I wonder like my one nephew's autistic and he's super duper good at math. Not everybody is.

I'm not putting everybody in that group. But I wonder how many of them were autistic. And that was just easy for them. How do you look at that whole on a Saturday night when there, every number's got money all over it and they know every fucking chip? I'm like, I can't. Because they're not posers because they're in the culture. They know how to do it.

They came up. They were dealers. They were, you know what I mean? They were all this. just have loved it. If I could do math quickly and accurately, I mean, I can't do it at all. If I could just do any of it. I'd prefer if you were my pit boss.

If you come over and go, you go like this, I don't know. You should go on, you're not cut out for craps. Go on your phone. Yeah. You can play craps on your phone now.

And we'll give you 30 bucks back. But see, I don't even know how to do that. Yeah. Like I know there's, I won't say the same, but there's a comedy. And he literally plays video poker on his phone.

I don't even know. But is that real money? Yeah. You got to put money on there. You know, there was an interim, too. That's the way you laugh. I remember my younger brother loves gambling too. And he's like, dude, I got this website in Bermuda.

That's what the Bermuda website. By the way, was the beginning of it. Yes. I said, Patrick, I don't feel like we're going to get our money back. Yeah. We're just going to send $500 to some fucking dude in Bermuda. And that if I win the Raider game, we really think he's going to send me $800 back. My friend.

But I ended up losing so I never found out. My friend. That's funny. Well, your money's in the Bermuda, I hope. Yeah, somewhere. It's somewhere in Bermuda. Some dude down there's very happy Kathleen Madigan. Was that dumb?

Kathleen Madigan is one of the best stand-up comics of all time. Her Amazon special, a family thread, is streaming now. Go watch it. You've always been so fucking funny. And as a comic that loves this shit, it was an honor to have you on. Thank you, and I'll be watching and betting on the game tonight. You will. Houston, Houston.

You got Houston? In Pittsburgh with the weather? Nah, Steelers. Steelers take the points. It's Steelers plus three and a half, which are giving it to the home. You got to wait on that, though. Don't bet yet. Wait until it's closer to the time.

Let's drop. Let's do an old school bet. I'll just bet you offline. All right. I'll bet you offline and I'll mail it to you. I'll put it in paper like my grandma would do. I'll wrap in a lot of loose-leaf paper. You'll have to unravel.

So they don't steal it. So the mailman doesn't steal it. Right, exactly. They'll look through in the sunlight. Exactly. And they'll see my first communion money. Like a thieves. You're the absolute best.

Thanks so much for coming on. 20 bucks. Yeah. All right, 20 bucks. I have Houston, you at Pittsburgh. No points. No points. Just money line.

Just pick them pool. Let's go.