Soder - 118: Chef Microwave with Tommy Pope | Soder Podcast | EP 116

Episode Date: January 27, 2026

Support the sponsors to support the show!Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to Zocdoc.com/SODER to find and instantly book a doctor you love todayhttps://www.zocdoc.com/?utm_medium=audiopodcast&utm_campaign=soderThis January, quit overspending on wireless with 50% off Unlimited premium wireless. Plans start at $15/month at MintMobile.com/SODER https://www.mintmobile.com/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=audio&utm_campaign=mint_podcast&utm_content=soder&dnfemfkahqkdlf=soderWarby Parker gives you quality & better-looking prescription eyewear at a fraction of the going price.Our listeners get 15% + Free Shipping when they buy 2 or more pairs of prescription glasses at WarbyParker.com/SODER That’s 15% off when you buy 2 https://www.warbyparker.com/?&wpsrc=Podcast&singular=59085_2026Q1?utm_campaign=2026Q1&utm_content=audio&utm_medium=podcast&utm_source=soderThe Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour is coming to your city!Get tickets at https://www.dansoder.com/tourFEB 13 - Orlando,FLFEB 14 - Tampa,FLFEB 28 - Buffalo,NYMarch 6 - BostonMarch 7 - Philadelphia,PAMarch 19 Dallas,TXMarch 20 - Houston,TXMarch 21- Oklahoma City,OKApril 4 - Huntington,KYApril 10 - Charlotte,NCApril 11 - Durham,NCApril 17 - Munhall,PAApril 18 - Cleveland,OHApril 19 - Columbus,OHApril 24 - Larchwood,IAFollow Tommy Popehttps://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=enhttps://x.com/TommyJPopehttps://www.youtube.com/@stuffislandPLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow.https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572Connect with SoderTwitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoderInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoderTiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedyFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoderYoutube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy#dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcastProduced by  Mike Lavin   @homelesspimp  https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

Hey, everybody. I'm back on the road. February 13th in Orlando, Florida. Florida? I don't know why I said that so weird. But I'm going to be there. February 13th, Orlando, Florida, February 14th, Tampa, Florida, February 28th, Buffalo, New York. I'll see you there. Hopefully. Dan Soder.com for tickets. I was holding that in. I don't know if we kept that in, but that was real burt. I mean, we don't even need it. We don't do intros on this, but this is the one guy I want to intro from stuff on. Island. Are we rolling? Yeah. From, Jesus Christ. We don't. We don't. We don't fucking. No kissing. No kissing on this podcast. Don't we? Right to insertion. Tommy motherfucking Pope. Let's go. Stuff Island. Look at Dish. A guy I've known forever that I fucking love. And one of my friends that this week, I'm in a position of like, I want you to be miserable this weekend. Because the 49ers are playing the Eagles. Yes. Yeah. Well, this sucks. This sucks. Having an injured team. sucks so bad because if we were full strength

the shit I would be talking to you but we have literally and if you're not a sports fan people hold on people sometimes do this with the podcast where I talk sports and they go I don't like it I'm telling you right now cut to the 15 minute mark we'll be on to something else

we get the same shit you start mentioning sports to these fucking the range to the 15 minute mark and I understand that the game already happened I'm probably very upset about it Tommy's probably on fucking cloud nine about it Who knows? Who knows?

One of us will be dead. But I will say this. If the 49ers were at full strength. No. If we win or you guys don't beat us by two scores, you need to fire an offensive coordinator. Let me tell you something. You want to talk about healthy?

ROC has a blown ACL, MCL, his fucking head is backwards. That guy is going to get shot to the fucking moon in a candidate. Let me tell you something about Eagles fans. You guys are the dead. defending Super Bowl champions. You're the defending Super Bowl champions. Arguably a better roster.

Easily. Howie Roseman is, it's not even an argument. Yeah. He's the greatest general manager the NFL probably has ever seen. Yeah, this is a deep catch.

In the, yeah, it's deep because I can't, I gotta do something with my feet. I know. I do, I do a little. Keep going.

Talk about our fucking team like this. But Howie is like a guy where I watch. Now again, Niners Eagles, when we bump into each other, it's always a little nasty. I like that.

Yeah. But in the NFC East, you guys are, all my friends are Eagles fans. So I like watching you guys. I pay attention to the team. Howie is like the greatest general manager. Your roster's locked to 2028. It's crazy. It's like. And they're young.

And they're young. And they're young. And they're young. And they're young. And good. But man, oh man. Your offensive coordinator has been getting eggs thrown at his house. Brother.

Like people in Philly are like going to his house and just screaming at him. That kid, he deserves much. much more. What is it? I do know every fucking week. I can name you what's wrong with our team. ACL on Bosa, ankle on Warner, ACL on our backup. Objective things you can you can lay your head on a pillow about. Medical conditions. Yeah. You can at least leave this season going, look, we had some injuries. And also, and 49ers fans will tell you this, to be get off season. Yeah, he got it. He got an arm. You got to touch it. It's within reach. You're not going to hold this. Yeah. And it's also a real. I know what the first. I know what the first.

Fuck it is, Dan. I know this is a game ball. I got a game ball. Jesus Christ. Why are we doing this? Let's go outside. I would love to have a catch. Hoss around a one-way street.

I would love to have a catch. This is awesome delivery guys. Just Amazon drivers getting mad. Before we get back to the birds, Niners, can I tell you, you're the only person that I can really talk about this on the podcast. He's going to come on the podcast.

But having a friend that is a head coach in the NFL. Oh, yeah. the rage that I feel when people talk shit about him. Oh my God. The rage. It's tough. Mike McDaniel is one of my oldest friends. Yeah.

Went through hell with me. Yeah. When my dad died, he was my best friend. Yeah. Like friends through high school, we reconnected as adults when we both gave up drinking. Yeah. I'm so proud of him. Yeah, of course.

He's exactly who he is. You see, that's my friend. Yeah. Been the same guy since seventh grade. And then I got Rex Ryan with his fucking bad teeth calling him nerd boy. He's got game show host teeth. Dude, it's fucking nuts. Hey, Rex.

Throwing those in is crazy. Hey, you fat fuck. Who thought blue teeth were a good idea? Yeah, Halloween. Halloween Central. Now your food can see you coming in the dark. You fucking. I thought Toes are for sucking, not for eating.

You fucking idiot. Colin McDaniel nerd boy. He's got more pussy than you ever had. You fat, fuck. He couldn't make it work with a jet. His wife's vagina is in a cast, him fucking crawling through that. Oh my gosh.

Just buzz salling through that bullshit. She's got nicks on her lips from those ugly ass teeth. And I don't give a fuck. If I saw him in person, here's the thing is like, I'm prepped when I see him in person just to double burn him. No, 100%. Fuck you.

He's built like fucking pancake butter in a condom. Dude is melting. He's melting everywhere in the sun. He just. Fuck him, dude. He just rolls down hallie. Fuck him. But I'm telling you.

Yeah. When you have skin in the game and it's someone you love. You know, we both feel this way when we see people talk shit about Shane. Of course. Of course. People where you're like, yeah. I don't want, if I see you, I'm going to be fucking mad about it. Yeah, yeah.

But dude, this season, dolphins had a really tough season. You're expressing the beauty of sports. Exactly. It's, you want this anger. Yes. You want this, something to fuel your regular life. It's hot sauce on the boring dish of life. Yeah, yeah.

It's hot sauce on eggs. Yeah, yeah. Exactly what it is. I have it every fucking day. You put a little hot sauce on there. Baby, we got anger. We got anger on a football.

And what I love about it is like, guys, like, it's fun when you talk shit about sports, but then when people actually know sports, where I go, like anybody that I've talked to, especially Shane,

about Eagles, Niners, and I go, we're fucking injured. And then sports fans can even bypass their anger to go, yeah, that does suck.

Yeah. Of course. You go, I don't want to fight you with a broken hand. And you go, well, it's all I don't.

Yeah. You don't want to see anyone injured, and you also don't want to play an injured team. You want to beat the best. The best. That's why the Eagles Patriots Super Bowl, dude, I'll rewatch that every six months. It was the greatest game ever played. Obviously, I'm biased, but everyone's at full strength, playing their best game. You're going against the greatest.

Yeah, the best ever. The greatest dynasty in the NFL. He threw up, what, $4.50 or something? It was crazy. Also, what I love about it is that was your guys's turn. Yeah. Into the bad guys. Yeah.

Yeah, 100%. Same with, it was 04 with the Red Sox. 04 Red Sox, everyone's like, beat the fucking Yankees. And then they do it. And then they win another one and you go, fuck you. Yeah. That's exactly. Yeah.

You're putting the Vader helmet on as soon as you get in the locker room. That's exactly. Yeah. You're on the other side. Where is bad man? It really is. Where is so far? No.

It is. It's, dude. It's, what's crazy is I was. that the, I watched it happen to Chiefs fans in real time. Yeah. Because I went to the first Super Bowl they played in Miami. Yeah. I was at the airport the next day.

Oh, dude. And someone was like, a couple people were like, congratulations. And people are like, we've been waiting so long. And then a couple of people are like, all right, now shut the fuck up. That's how I feel about Bill's fans. Yeah. Bill's fans, if you're watching. They're coming.

If you guys win the Super Bowl this year, yeah. Yeah. We're over you. Yes, 100%. You got your new stadium? You got your ring? I'm a big fan. I want to see the win unless we're playing them.

but goddamn as soon as they went fuck them forever. That's exactly what it is. The second they win you go, you're all right. Yeah. I mean, we, we dogwalked the fucking chiefs.

I loved it. Yeah, we changed their whole organization. We fucking Sonic the hedgehog. The rings fell out of their pockets. Dude, my God. Patrick Mahomes was like, I don't know what to do. Where am I?

Kelsey's like straight up the whole time just looking at the clock being like, can I retire? Yeah. He does this, Travis Kelsey does this thing where he's fake blue collar. Yeah, he's wigger kid.

Yeah, dude. He really is just like black, black, black, black, black sent until he dates Taylor and Swift. And then he's like, I just love music. I just love it. But he, um, they were talking about if this was his last game at Arrowhead when he was playing the Broncos on Christmas.

And he went, saw that billboard for that lottery. I would have used, I could have used that. He said something like that, right? I could use that two grand. You have a hundred million dollar deal with Amazon. Yeah, dude.

Stop acting like, Because you put on Carhart that you're fucking laying rebar. I'm so glad you brought that up. That drove me insane. Yeah, where he goes. It's like you're trying to assimilate with regular human beings. You made. Bands?

You're in a lucky charms commercial immediately after. But that's what he did. He goes, I see that, I see that lotto sign. I win that billion dollars. You're fucking Taylor Swift. She's got more money than all of South America. I think it was 20 million.

It wasn't even, it made me go, yeah, it's fucking trump change. Yeah, that's your signing. Yeah, it's fucking Uber money, babe. He goes, that's jet money so I can fly her and see her in South America. Ah, man, I don't know, but the sports are fun until your team gets to the playoffs,

and then it's just nerves. And then you're just like, buddy, I'm, on that way, the Redskins game. Really? That just, yeah, I'm fucking nuts. Because there's a lot of implications in. Yeah. We could have got a two-seat.

game when we were playing week 18 yeah and also Seahawks fans know you can talk shit to me and it'll make me mad so they DM me and they're like fucker go hawks yeah I'm like first off your fan base you're not even a real fan your fan base is fugazi they don't care fucking hey the 12th man thing yeah yeah they stole it from texasas a and m 100% they have to pay yeah 35000 dollars a year yeah to use the 12th man you fucking hacks way to steal your thing pacific northwest and fucking florida none of it's real None of your teams fucking matter. I don't care if it's hockey, fucking the lightning, suck my dick. They win all the time.

Dude, the Panthers. Like all these teams are a dynasty right now. Yeah. I just got into hockey. Dude. And I'm a Bruins fan because of the family I'm marrying into. Yeah. Because they don't fuck around.

No. Bruins are, they're a staple. Here's the thing with sports, especially when you're marrying into a family or you're dating somebody. You got to check what who the family's number one sports team is. Yeah. because that's going to be the one that dominates. Had they been a Patriots family?

Yeah. It'd probably be a little bit weird. 100%. Because I'd be like, well, the Niners are. Yeah. One time I was flying into Boston from London

and I had my 49er hat on, this is just Boston, this is Boston Sports in just one moment. Yeah. I'm going through fucking, I'm going through like customs. Like the guy's looking at my passport. Thick-ass Boston accent.

And I'm wearing my Niners hat. And he goes, okay, you're in London for four, for seven days, all right? And he looks at it, he goes, Nine a hat in Boston. That's risky. And I just push back immediately. I go, for what?

What's the rivalry? Yeah. And he goes, I don't know. Stamson does. And I go, oh, you just wanted a fight. Yeah. You don't even know. You don't even do.

You don't know why. It's ingrained in your fucking DNA. It's crazy. Yeah. We rented a car at Hertz from Logan because we were going to drive back to New York from Boston. Yeah.

Katie and I flew into Logan. We rent a car at Hertz. Hertz. car. You know the people that check, they like scan your car and do all the stuff. Guys like going through it, look at my license. Niners hat on again. He hands me this stuff and he goes, go Boston sports. Just generic.

Yeah. Just all the sports. You fucking. That's like happy holidays for retards. You go, happy holidays. Yeah. Go Boston sports. Well, that's something doing flights.

Go birds. Yeah. I mean, go birds is your guys are close. Hey, everybody. It's your favorite hypochondriac. Well, I'm not really not a hypercontraic anymore because I go see a doctor. And then you realize like, oh, maybe this is in my head. Once you see an actual medical professional and they're like, no, you feel like, oh, yeah,

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Capable device required. Availability, speed, and coverage varies. See mintmobile.com. Dude, when I first moved to New York, it took me weeks to get over just seeing Yankee hats. Oh, my God. The fucking pain I'd have in my heart. Just anger.

Well, your division. Well, you're division. And then I got the fucking Texas. Cowboy hats? Oh, my God. I'm going from hell to heller. You're going from, you are going worse to worse to, like, even worse.

And even the dollar. Austin is, it's not real. They wear it because it's ironic. They don't care. Yeah. They go, this commonly has actually. A guy got killed in a drunk driving incident and I bought this out of Buffalo exchange.

Purple bangs flowing through the top of the straight. They actually had to like, the jaws a life at office crushed skull, but I bought it for $38. It's corduroy. Yeah. Yeah. You don't, Austin,

does Austin outside of UT have sports? No. Like outside of Texas? No, there's no, there's... Like the university? In fact, there's one sports bar that we frequent, that's a hardcore Eagles bar. Yeah.

All Philly Sports, but Eagles games. Standing Room only. They play the fight song. It's fucking nuts. I got a DJ. Great, dude. Like noon. There's a pillhead fucking spinning records.

You think he went to bed at all? Or he just fucking shot through. He don't even watch football, dude. He goes, I don't know. Their accents change. I'm on so much drugs. He's just focused on beatings, sexual assault cases. I got Hansy back there.

Now I'm up here fucking worried about it. Space of time, spinning records. When you move to a rival city. Yeah. Luckily, it's not, they don't, like, if it was actual Dallas proper, you'd have problems. It's a problem. You'd have problems. Yeah, because they're true hillbillies.

And as a Niner fan, I don't bump into too much shit. Maybe in the early 90s, it would have been a problem if I was here. Right, right. Time is past. Yeah, time is past, but NFC East rivalry. It never, never, ever ends. And you guys have, I would say, the best rivalry in a division. 100%.

100%. Because you got Eagles, Giants, Eagles Cowboys, Eagles, Washington, Eagles. I feel like it's the Yankees Red Sox of football with the Cowboys Eagles. Shit. What mark are we at? 15? Yeah. I don't, I don't agree.

I don't agree with that. Shut up, Dan. I don't agree. We're having fun. I just go. That's interesting. Bears Packers is socks. socks, Yankees, because they're close.

Yeah. They're closer and there's more, like, dude. There's more history. Dude, Bears fans hate the Packers and Pack. There's like kids that grow up just being like in Wisconsin. Well, you're from fucking Green Bay. That's what I'm saying. You got nothing else.

Got nothing. I always used to argue best sports rivalries and then Joe List blew me out of the water with North Carolina Duke. Yeah, that's, because they're down the road from each. A billion percent. Yeah. They're like, a billion percent. They've hated each of them.

other forever. It's like one of the games I want to go to is a UNC Duke at camera. Yeah, you jump around with all those fucking Harry Potter's. I wouldn't. My knees are busted. Yeah. I'd watch them. I go, oh, you're tall enough to stand over these little five, six pharmacy.

Can you guys stop? I'm trying to watch it. I'm trying to watch it. Do you like the food in Austin at least? It's not a food city. People say it's a food. It's not a food city. It isn't?

No, it's fucking obviously barbecue heavy, but the money you have to spend, get a good quality meal outside of the cuisine of American barbecue is fucking, it's crazy. Do they like, thank you for coming in there? They're like, thank you. Everyone just wants ribs. Dude, we had sushi at Scratch. Okay. Scratch, which is amicasse, which is, you know.

Damn. I don't know, but at first it was real American and then it went real Japanese. Well, it's a Japanese farm system. It's a baseball team. We got guys coming up in the double eggs. The biggest rivalry in Japanese sports. So when you go get sushi, sushi in Texas to me doesn't even... Dude, I know.

This is why I said it. It is fucking remarkable. This guy is Philip Lee. He's like, he owns a bunch of restaurants. He was a Michelin guy for a while. It was the most exceptional experience I've ever had in my life. 18 courses. Everyone's different.

Every different piece of fish. They only had a couple of meats, but it was like mind-blowingly beautiful. Like at the end where you were just like... Dude, no, so no one's talking because everyone's like, you know, enjoying it. Wealthy and enjoying it and just not,

they have no personality. Yeah. So after every bite I'm going, I'm like a black lady. I was like, oh, oh my God. And then some guy... You try it?

Some guy in a 10-gallon hat that owns 40 oil derricks is like, that boy over there likes, I'm just trying to have a tuna fish sandwich in peace. Yeah, I'm wearing a Michael Vick jersey. Yeah, he's like, can you put it on bread? I wouldn't mind some fish on bread. Yeah, that's...

It just gets old. There's like, there's not much to... There's no American comfort foods. This is what I miss about Philly and New York. I mean, you can go get, uh, fuck it. New York, you can get a chopchi or Philly. You can go get a good deli sandwich. Oh, hoagie.

It's crazy, the void. You know, you watch those, uh, those restaurant shows where they're like, fucking Gordon Ramsey will put on, like a bar rescue or restaurant rescue type shit. They put a map out and they go, Japanese. Chinese, fucking American Steakhouse, and they look for all these locations. There is not, I don't, there's a void. Really?

For American comfort food. Like no sandwich deli or you're hungover. There's no like, fuck it, dude, there's a couple places I've tried that have like the best ratings for like a comfort fucking Italian sub. Can I tell you? You know,

Italian sub? It's big city bias. When you grow up in a big city, one of the major cities in the United States. Yeah. You get used to stuff like that. 100%. And you get it from like delis

small places. This is around the corner. You can walk. I didn't even understand that concept. Yeah. When I was in college in Arizona, my friend, my roommate was from Long Island. His friend was interning at SNL and then came to visit Tucson. And him and I were just, him and Billy and I were just talking.

And I was like, and he's like, where's a deli around here? And I was like, what do you mean? Like, you need cold cuts? I could take you to the fries. There's a grocery store. There's a deli in the fries. He's like, I mean like. A sandwich.

Oh, Subways across the street. And it was like watching this guy just fall down stairs of disappointment. Yeah. Just logs on the Delta immediately. He's like, Jesus. He was like,

you guys don't have anything? I was like, well, like, what do you want? And he's like a sandwich. And I was like, Cheba Hut's open.

And he was like, I'm going to call myself. Like by the third or fourth, by the time I got the blimpies, he was looking for rope. Yeah. And he was like, give me the fuck out of here.

Because you don't, I don't think people that grow up in large cities don't understand. understand that you don't have that outside. It's a strip mall everywhere else. Everywhere else. Like if I were to go to Denver and go like, let me get a good bacon, egg and cheese.

There'd go, Firehouse subs is doing breakfasts. Here's the thing, though, like Primo's Huggies, send it, dude. Yeah. Like, we're talking high-end comfort, comfort foods that, like, do it right. Thin sliced meat that are crunched.

Why have you know this, Dan? You know the secret of making a good deli sandwich? Fucking tell me, baby. Crunching the meats. Crunching the meat. Yeah. So you get an extra thin. Everything sliced extra thin.

Okay. Right. Write this down. You can see through. Everyone home. Right? Yeah. Geno with salami.

Hold it up. Capacola. Yeah. Cappacola gets no love. I want to, I want to gauge your fucking, your, your face hair.

Yeah. Through a piece of meat. You want to see it enough. Enough to know my buddy's got a beard on right now. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. I want to do confession through it. And you lay it out.

I know you're there. But I don't know. It's like the mesh. You go. For, Forgive me, Father five, sin. I got my meat cut too sick. No, you want to, when you lay it out,

imagine a piece of salami, right? Circular. It's sitting on the table. What you do is you pinch, a three-pound pinch and twist. And that goes on your fucking entire. Your little Italian claws. You gotta get a foot.

You lose a ring. You fucking lose. You land like an eagle. Like an Italian eagle, you land and fucking crunch it. You're plucking it out of the ocean, you take it back off and drop it on your, And you're fucking, your little sandwich nest.

He's up. You got two pieces. My girlfriend is trying to pick one. Baby burner or fucking. He's feeding it in her. A hot pepper. So you crunch it, you twist, crunch and you airate. Okay.

And the purpose of that is for, it's almost the difference between a filet mignon and a fucking, the ass of a cow. Yeah, a little rump roast. Yeah, rump roast. Sure. London Royal, if you will. What's so funny is that's the only part of Colorado that comes out of me where there's talking cuts of meat.

I go, what are you looking for? Like, rump roast. Everything else. They're like, just skiing. I go, absolutely not. Anything else? They go, what about cutting cattle? I go, brother, what do you want to talk about?

Hein quarters? What are we talking about mid? Because you ain't getting up, new. And if you want tongue, brother, I can cook you some tongue. Beef tongue fucking rules. Beef tongue tacos. There we do. Yeah, Mexicans are down.

Anyway, you keep layer in these erration levels, right? You got the mortadella. You got the capicola, you got the salami. Everything's layered except for the cheese. Provenloat. Keep it. Always pro. And also extra cut.

You got to keep it thick. Yeah. Cheese to meat ratio. Like a hockey puck. It's just as important as bread to meat ratio in the whole thing, right? So you look at just a regular cheese burger. I need a certain amount of cheese for the burger. If you're doing one of those steak cut, small fancy burgers, the, the roll can't be more than two-thirds.

Sure. The size of the fucking meat. What about a smash burger? What are you looking for? Yeah, fucking. I hate those. In and out, right to the toilet. Is it?

Are you a smash? No. Sometimes I just toss it right in the toilet to save 30 minutes of digestion. Whenever I've made burgers, it always, that's really funny. You go, boom, it just spices it back. Whenever I have a smash burger, it feels like I'm having the last hamburger, someone cooked at a barbecue. Of course you are.

Because they're just like, it's all oil from, gristle. Yeah. You're like, get the fuck out of here. I don't like it. Microwave bacon. You know what I'm saying? That's exactly. Put a little fucking paper.

This. is a secret, dude. Just paper towel, microwaved bacon. Well, it's the greatest bacon of all time. Really? It soaks up all the extra grease. It's got a perfect crunch. I love a crunch on a bacon. Yeah, my mother used to have this like this little circular,

edged, like a rimmed plastic. Obviously, we're, you know, damaging our souls. Yeah, yeah. And it would lay over the ridges, and it would be a grease catcher, like a foreman grill in a sense. And then she would just, put paper towel over it and then let it sit what you're talking about texture crunch sometimes chef mike microwave oh yeah it's all you need big yeah oh mike oh mike to beep bo bo pimple

and then you're fucking good to go let's go i love a microwave i'll do microwave cuisine you should do a whole cooking book on microwave cuisine i guarantee you'd be a new york times best seller that's not a bad idea i'm telling you your fucking particular set of skills uh like asshole philadelphia cookbook Because what are they going to do? It's just the thing. It's like, how many dishes can I make that you're actually going to cook? There's only 10% of people that are watching this are going to cook what I'm cooking. And the whole purpose of the show is to go, you could cook this.

Yes. You can impress anyone. Yes. And when you watch Tommy cook, go watch our, uh, Katie and I were on an episode of Look at Dish. He made these unbelievable sausage and peppers. It's very simple. It was so simple that you're like, sometimes you watch stuff get made and you go, I feel extra retarded for not cooking. Yeah.

I feel like, I genuinely. I would probably put my top two regrets of growing up. Yeah. Not knowing cars and not knowing how to cook. Yeah. I think those are the two things that I failed myself. 100% dude. My stepdad.

Yeah. Nick, shut out, Nick. I'm looking for you, motherfucker. Because I genuinely... Is he still around? Yeah. He's in his 80s. I want to send him an email that just says,

you were the man. Where were you? You were the man. No, he was the man. Oh. Him and my mom were married for like three years when I was a kid. The man. Yeah.

They were together for like five, married for three, but he was the man. And he would just be in our garage building cars. Yeah. He really hated it. Your mom, huh? Dude. Well, they didn't last that one.

He probably learned how to build a car. He was like, I was. Because he was so fucking miserable. He goes, I just got to go in there. Yeah, I got to figure out the mechanics. My mom goes, neck. He just reels under the truck. He goes, honestly, I didn't even rebuild it.

I just sat under there inside a bunch. He's crying to the oil tank. He goes, oh, dude, he builds. He built, though, for my mom, like, as an anniversary present, he bought her the body of a 1970 MGB. Wow. And then built it, like, in our garage. Damn. Built a car.

And my gay ass, while he was building a car, I was like, I'm going to watch wrestling in X-Men. And he was like, okay. I should have been out there learning. There has to be a little forgiveness there because children are ignorant to real life skills and stuff. You have to be pressured by either an abusive or like a very educational father to get in stuff like that. That's so funny. You really have to either be forced or have just the greatest dad.

There's no middleman. There's no in between. It's a dad that wants to beat the fuck out of you. And so you go, instead of hitting me, teach me about a carburetor. Same thing with cooking. Even if your father cooks. My dad was. The last thing you wants to do is try and teach you.

My dad and my mom. Cooking is an exceptional break from life. where it's like, it's beauty, dude. Like the orchestration of like prep. Can I tell you? Throwing on some fucking background piano music or jazz and I don't mean to be fucking hack and corny about it, but just music that is mellow.

No words? No words. Great. No words. Or if there's words, it's like soft, melodramatic gay shit. Yeah, yeah. But like prepping and the lighting's perfect and the, just again, the orchestration of time

and temperature and fucking getting a, meal right and then sitting down going i fucking crutch that i'll tell you man my three hours goes by and i'm happy for some reason warby parker you know i got laser eyes but they're starting to wear off so i might i i'm making peace with the fact that i might have to go back to getting glasses again and i'm okay with that because i think as i get older people will take me more seriously with glasses but when i did wear glasses before the lacyc warby parker was my place i'd pop in trying a different pair see it. You can even see an optimologist right there and then boom, get. Optomologist is the right word, right? That's not the foot one. These doctors, sometimes you think you're talking eyes and you're

talking feet. But Warby Parker, you can go see an eye doctor. They can get you the right prescription and then you can find a good pair of glasses. In fact, I remember going there with an old girlfriend and being like, you pick out my glasses. And then she did. And then we broke up. And then I thought about her every time I wore on and it sucked. But the glasses were good. So when it comes to quality for the price, Warby Parker is the best. You, you know, they got completely,

they don't got the outdated styles. They got the good stuff. You have everything you want for better looks, for happier eyes. It includes contacts, online eye exams, and sunglasses. Warby Parker gives you quality and better looking prescription eyewear

at a fraction of the going price. Our listeners get 15% off plus free shipping when they buy two or more pairs of prescription glasses at Wari Parker.com slash soda. That's 15% off when you buy two pairs at W-A-R-B-Y Parker.com slash soda. After your purchase, they're going to ask where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them that we sent you. My dad loved to cook.

I love to cook. The only time I saw him at his peak happiness outside of watching the Niners, was when he was in the, I swear to God, I remember this, burning my brain in my grandma's apartment in San Francisco,

him cooking with a cocktail and then him just like working over the sauce and giving like a... Yeah. I was rumming coke and then getting back into it. I watched my dad

and he'd have the towel over his shoulder just moving stuff and he could cook like a mother. My mom's a fantastic cook. And she said when they were married, their favorite thing was just to cook all day. 100%. On a Sunday.

Just going to cook all day. You make a day. these three dishes, I'll make this dish, and at night we'll have a big dinner. A perfect sign of a happy relationship or marriage is if they can exist in the kitchen together. Yeah. And know what they're doing, be self-sufficient, independent, and confident. Is that big for you when you date? Do you like... No. Because you're the cook. Yeah, I'll take it over. Yeah. I don't mind doing all of it. My girl now is a really good cook. She didn't cook at all until I met her and she's fucking unbelievable. I love that.

Dude, it's insane. Her talent's insane. However, we... We have to work on the communication thing where it's like, and I'm not talking about like, behind. Like I'm not saying communication like, you know, chef talk type shit. I mean like independence and like be confident because she, she's always like, am I doing it wrong? It's always like, get the fuck off my shoulder. You know, like I'm always over.

And I'm like, no, I'm just trying to give you advice of things that I fucked up for years. Like I'm trying to teach you. And that's like a, I feel like it's an emotional, like, roadblock for relationships where it's like if I said it, it's different. Whereas like if you knew what you were doing and you told her how to cut an onion or something like that, she'd be like, oh, thank you. Yeah, dude. And if I say, she's like, can you just give me a chance? Yeah. You know, it's just like, no, you're not key. I'm different in the kitchen. Any kind of, any kind of instruction. It's like if you go for golf lessons and you go, oh, now you're pulling your arm and she goes,

what do you know? Yeah. And then the golf goes, you're pulling your arms. She's, oh, I felt that. Yeah. Like that you're sitting there and you're like, yeah. Look at the, look at the, look at, look at, look at, look, look, look, look, look at the difference. I told, I fucking told me. I said that. Instead, I spent $1,500 for lessons. That's where, and I said the same fucking thing. That's where the argument starts. It's because we get mad and we go, I just said that. And then she goes, but you can say it like that. And it's just like, what got you into cooking? When did you start cooking? Was it your family? Like, wasn't your dad and mom being like getting the kitchen? No, it's truly the opposite where my parents weren't around and ordered for my brothers not to fuck me up. Like,

this is true. I've said this many times. I would cook for my brother so they didn't abuse me. Dude, that's... Yeah. So after school, my parents weren't home, my mother was a night nurse. Yeah. So she worked 12-hour shifts.

My dad worked until he picked us up at five to go to football, baseball, basketball practice, whatever the fuck you're like. So you have those hours. A few hours to avoid beat and, you know, during seasons, like you didn't want to go out and play because you got to get your homework done and then go to the football field or something, right? So I would just make them grilled cheese. So I mastered the grilled cheese at a very young age, the simplest of things to do.

When was the moment, do you remember the moment? Where I got it. Where you go? I'm not getting hit. Dude. I'm not getting hit. Dude, 100%. I don't mean, there's, I could tell you the exact day.

Yeah. But I realized the way they behaved and I would just cook them something. I'm like, you want you, do you want a grill cheese? Yeah. And they're like, oh, yeah. I could use a grill. Just put their hand down. They open it up and they go.

Yeah. You know some of a fist to grab the plate. Oh, you look at that. Oh, my. Oh, what did you do? Did you butter both sides of toast?

Fotch and a brute bringing me something, huh? Oh, monkey face. And then did you, and then from that, did it become like, um, I got obsessed.

I got obsessed with, like, learning how to try new dishes and, like, learn how to make a sauce. Have you done the very complicated ones, like a keesh? Yeah,

that's not like, no, what's the one that set, that's set, of, like, crumbles. No, I know what you're talking about. Suflais. No.

I didn't do a souffle. We did a chocolate suflay with Chef Doni at, at, um... Shiftoni's the man. Yeah, he's the man. At Barstool. Yeah. We did like a collab where he showed us how to make it. I've yet to recreate it.

But, yeah, like a chocolate suflay is like one of my favorite desserts, which is vanilla ice cream. If you know how to do that, and he showed us how to do it with just ramekins, you know? It's just very easy to do. It's just all, again, again, And timing, it's, it's just have some fucking wherewithal when you're making something. I feel, I do feel the same comfort around people who can.

Football are cooking, babe. This is where we're at now. I, I feel the same comfort with people that cook that people that can fight. Yeah. That, that confidence of like, you know, like when. Timing. It's all timing. Yeah, it is.

But like self-defense guys will like, tell you something where they go, now right here you grabbing. Yeah. You're going to want to pull. Yeah. That's how it feels when I watch you cook and you go, right here you've got the peppers. You're going to lean into him. You're going to feel a little pressure.

That's the same feeling. I'm like, I grab his arm. Now I'm in control. Now I can move him anywhere I want to. I actually have to give Chris a chokehold. Yeah. You're like, just stop. Get the fuck off the pan.

Don't touch the heat. Have you had anybody in your life that tries to cook that sucks so bad that you're just like, eh, we're done. We can't do this. Yeah. I mean. Like friends where you're like, I'll show you how to cook something and then halfway in you go, the fuck.

No one's ever really tried to do that. Really? Yeah. I don't have any friends that, like, really cook. DeRosa can cook. DeRosa is very knowledgeable. I don't, I've never seen him cook. Okay.

But he's very knowledgeable. Are you the only one? Are you, are you the Highlander? Yeah. The only one? Yeah. I removed the sword. Yeah.

My chef's line from the rock. Someone introduced. I was the only one to get pulled out. Someone else introduced you. He goes, my friend that can cook and Tommy goes, and just unshoot it? I don't think you can. What the fuck can you make?

Yeah, because I'm useless and I would like to learn. And my mom, bless her, tried. She's a fantastic cook. And when I was going to college, she was like,

I'm going to put together like seven recipes that are very fucking easy that you can learn. And I got good at like three of them and then just alcoholism. This is, well, alcoholism, if you can control it,

it's very good for the kitchen. It's great. You know what I mean? You focus, yeah. A couple bottles of wine, you get slucked in. Yeah, that's why the best is watching, if you ever work at a restaurant. Yeah. Watching the line cooks just get blackout drunk.

Oh, my God. After our shift. And they're managing all those opioids? Oh, my God. Those guys are fucking animals. Ups, downs, left and rights. Yeah. They're all DJs at a bar.

I really want to just interview chefs. Yeah. Because I find them to be so interesting. You know what the problem is, Dan? and this is what I'm going to do with my show once we start going on the road a bunch, the chefs that are actually catered to in terms of media

are high-end chefs, right? So this is like the disconnects with the culinary world and the comedy world and so why I wanted to do my show is it's either the bougiest of shit where like you don't feel connected to the chef. It's very interesting to watch.

Yeah, but it's like watching Cirque du Soleil. A hundred percent. You go, you're a gay Frenchman and fucking cloth lifting yourself up. into a barrel. I have a tough time with 20 push-ups. Yeah, yeah. This guy's lifting himself off a finger.

Bingo. So I want to step down the chefs that are like... Applebee's. That's... All right, you want pill-head chefs that are very fun? And then you want the middle ground. I had a show idea that I almost sold to the production company that did... Yeah.

And it was called Night to the Night where it was a travel show where we did comedy, met like, Atel in fucking Seattle. and we went through his daily routines, saw a couple places, you know, the touristy type shit throughout the day, and then I met the next upcoming chef, and we go through his kitchen, we'd take him to the food market,

pick out his ingredients, and then we'd cut back to Wattel, preparing his set, you know, going through his list, and then it would go to the prep station in the kitchen, and then you'd show some stand-up, and then you'd show the delivery of the food

in the actual restaurant, and then we'd all meet, like nights at the night, in a big circle table, eat the dish, and tell road stories. I love that. It's great. Why did they pass? Because they're idiots?

No, they tried to buy it. And they said, well, you're probably not going to host this if we die. God damn it. And I said, I'll sit on that. I shouldn't have told that. You could get anything to that if you want. No, I don't care. We don't give a shit.

Honestly, sometimes when you say about show ideas that don't work on podcasts, it re-ignites it. Yeah. When I had that stone cold law show on Peacock, Yeah. And WWE was dragging their feet. Yeah. I went on barstool.

It was very loud about it. Yeah. Next day I flew to Charlotte to do shows the comedy zone. I get off stage. My agent, the agent agent, you know, the big dog that only calls.

Yeah, never talked to. Once a year you talk to him. Yeah, yeah. He calls me and he's like, how is everything going then? He called me and he goes, why did I just get screamed at

by Nick Con from the WWE? And I was like, oh no. They got it was after the show. Yeah. It was after the Thursday night. show and he was like, did you talk about the Stone Cold Law Show on Barstool? And I was like, oh, I was real loud about it. And then they put it out like Barstool's Instagram put it out as a clip.

Yeah. And he's like, okay, they're getting mad. And then we hung up and then my manager called me. It was like, great. I was like, that's exactly what you needed to do. Because now we're talking. Now they're engaged in the conversation. Yeah, for sure.

Because here's the problem with the reason that TV shows are all shit right now, except a few. Obviously there's always good stuff being made. But those networks and corporations have good ideas. And then someone tries to prove that they have a job. 100%. And they go. It's always fingerprints.

It's always just somebody going like, and then you go, that ruins it. You take you out of that show. I don't give a shit about that show. 100%. Joel. 100%. I don't give a fuck about all that.

100%. That's why you build your own thing. It's why I felt bad for Josh Adam Myers because he did goddamn comedy jam and they pulled him as the host. That show works because Josh hosts it. He knows how to host it. But they were like, no,

Comedy Central's like, now we'll just do it without you. And then it just looked like karaoke. Yeah. And you're like, now with Josh, he explains, he tells where it comes, he does a song,

he fucks around. They always do that. They try to change the recipe. Of course they do. And it fucking breaks. Because they're talentless fucking hacks. That's what it is. They get into the business.

That's the only good thing I'm liking about watching the collapse of the industry is watching those people try to pivot to new stuff now. Where they go, I'm a podcast booker now. Yeah. You told me no when you were at TNT. It's truly a priest going to a new parish.

It really is. They just move them around. It'll just be. That's perfect. It'll be some fucking executive at Comedy Central like they're now with some other media. They're the VP of this other media company. I'm like, I know what you did when you were a comedy set.

I know how many fucking shows you dittled? Yeah. You know how many shows you? I remember when Delco Proper should have gone to the fucking distance. You died your hair, but I know it's you. Dude, I got a good story. I love this. I want to keep talking.

I want this story. We're coming back to this, though. So I took one cooking class in my life. Sure. Viking culinary. It was one of those like date night cooking classes. Sure. You make a dish with chefs.

Yeah. In the Viking. It was off the main line in Philly. And it was like salted fish. It's like a fish you bake and salt. Who gives us shit? Anyway. So we're cooking, we're prep and we're doing the whole thing.

There's probably four or five other couples. I got my eye on this fucking chef, right? The sous chef. Yeah. He's a light skin, bald black guy. Okay. And I'm like, how do I know this fucking guy? I know this guy.

How do I know him? The whole time, I can't focus. My girl's like, Tom, come on. We got to make the goat cheese with pink peppercorns. And I'm like, I fucking know this guy and it's killing me. And the whole time I go, I fucking got it. I know it. This guy was a teacher at St. Charles, Bar-O-Mayo, where I went to grade school.

Okay. He came in when I was in the eighth grade and blew the fucking roof off. He was like a cool black guy. And everyone's like, yeah, this dude fucking rules. Yeah, I'm not racist. I like this teacher. That's the thing. Yeah, McNabb.

Yeah, McNabb and this teacher. I'm not racist at all. So he was a priest that came in out of nowhere. And then I fucking, I walked up to him after the, after the class and I was like, I know who you are. Your father, something, or other. You taught me in eighth grade,

St. Charles, and he goes, no. No, I don't know what that. I don't know what that is. I go, yeah. I know that's you. I, yeah. Cleaning off a knife, he goes, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

There's enough blood on this. Please, please, please. You're going to dig and you're not going to like what you're going to find. Oh. About a week goes by, right? So we leave, obviously. A week or two goes by,

and this girl I went to grade school in high school with sent me a picture of the Philadelphia Inquirer, and it's this dude's face for pedia. Yeah. And the guy... It's not for fucking a car washer and fucking doing it. It wasn't for the salted con. I know it was bad.

It wasn't that bad. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. We got fucking passed around enough where they were like, all right, now we can't do anything. And now, and he's a sous chef. Yeah. And by the way, and the restaurant industry goes, yeah, we'll take you.

We need the bodies. Yeah, the restaurant industry goes, go, fine. Yeah, we got, we got a hundred cases of onions. I don't care how many kids you're in. Fuck, I don't care if little kids get you hard, fine. Sharpen that pairing knife out. You're in for it. Yeah, dude, that really is true, though.

That's why it's always funny when I see comics that publicly are like, fuck this network or fuck that network. It's like, no, not fuck that network. You have a problem with a specific person at that network. Of course. That didn't greenlight something. And they're always, like, I'm sorry, there is anger and hate that I hold, but like, we're talking talentless, rich women.

Yeah. That are truly, like, they're held in regard as if they've done anything in their life. Yeah. Their parents paid their rent so they could be $20,000 income. Dude. And eventually their VP of fucking comedy development. Who the fuck are you? Have you ever made a sketch?

Have you ever done anything in your life? I remember going to a meeting. This is when MTV was turning into pure shit. It was like still shit, but it wasn't. When MTV was doing, like they just went full like 16 and pregnant, all that shit. They were just like, we don't give a fuck about music anymore. We're not doing any of our cool programming. They were like, we have a meeting with MTV.

And I told my agents, I was like, there's nothing. They don't want me. I'm an alcoholic. At the time I was like, just drinking every day. I was like, they don't, there's nothing. And I don't think there's anything I want to do with them. Yeah. They're like, no, there's this new girl, new girl who works there, who saw you at the cellar,

and she thinks you're so funny. And she wants to meet with you. And I go in her office. And it's her, she was really nice. And then her assistant, who's like fresh out of college. Yeah, 23. Whose dad probably runs Black Rock. 100% who probably flips fucking section 8 housing for profit and that meeting to me was like

oh this shit's so broken yeah because I sat down and they're like what do you want to do yeah and I went well you guys should start playing music again I was like this like reality shit sucks you guys should start doing music and I was like bring pop up video back yeah I was like you guys own VH1 you own the IP let me host pop up video yeah I would host I would host the the fuck out of that. That would be so sick. And dude, that was the funniest part of any meaning I've ever taken with a network because the older lady went, I loved the pop-up video.

Yeah. The woman I had like, it turned out the meeting was with like an older woman. She was around my age. And she was like, grew up watching pop-up video. It was the best. You learned this about all. You learned extra stuff about the artist. And so we're like, viving on it.

And I was like, straight up, you own the IP. Yeah. Reboot that shit. I'll host it. We'll make it a little darker, make it funnier. Yeah. We'll bring in writers. We'll have like a good time.

and she's like, I could see it in her face. This is like, and then her assistant who's straight out of college goes, I don't know if you could call it a pop-up video. And I was like, I just did the hand. Yeah, yeah. We'll call it pop-up video. And then she goes, we should call it like super fun stuff you don't know about that. She said something like that.

And I was like, yeah, this is fucked. Dude. And then I just started watching it spin out and I was like, to the lady, I was like, it was nice meeting. I don't think there's anything here for us. All of these. But then you watch just MTV go down the drains and you're like, well, of course, to plain ridiculousness all day.

They don't make anything. These executives at these creative places, it's like when you have a conference call for a real job, right? And there's always some fucking Debbie at the end who just wants to put a fingerprint going like, I'm listening, I'm working, and she'll just drone on for five minutes

about fucking nothing. They have to put their fingerprint on, say, I did that. So they don't. During the process of Delco proper, it got morphed. If you look at our pilot at the funeral, it's unbelievable.

It's perfect. It's our dark tone. It's the image and the comedy that we want to. Fat, butterly with blonde hair. Hilarious. Dude, one of their notes of butter, like, we don't think he would call her a bitch. This fucking young bitch.

You don't think that animal would call a woman a bitch. Have you seen? Do you watch the episode? Yeah. Who were creating? You don't think he would call a woman a bitch? When you watch that pilot, it's just the Leo meme the whole time.

Yeah. Yeah. Right? Everybody go, Oh my God. Oh, fuck. There he is. Oh, my God.

There's a creep. Yeah. And fucking chains the ump. Yeah. It's a little league. Dude. And it's like crazy when you watch it. Which crazy to me is, you know, I know where we made our faults.

We got, because at the same time, this is like one of those things where you find out where you go. That would have been so cool. They were developing Delco proper. And Michelle Wolf and I shows. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Use people.

Use Carlot. About working at the use Carlot with Nick DePala. Yeah. And fucking. It was great. Tony Amitook. We had like an unbelievable cast. Yeah.

And that script was dark and funny and watching them come in and fucking ruin it. They made us, dude. They took a 24 minute pilot and they were like, here's what we're going to do. Snapchat is huge. Yeah. So we're going to film three different episodes. So we had to take a pilot, take it into three different things. Yeah.

And then what we filmed, they went, Snapchat's only five minutes. So cut your 11 minute things down to, minutes. They edited it, took all the good stuff out. It was, I won't even post it. You can't. Michelle and I were so fucking angry at that whole situation. Yeah.

That like, I remember being, this is when I was on the bonfire. I remember being in one of the fucking conference rooms on the 37th floor of serious. She's an empty conference room screaming at someone being like, what the fuck are you doing to the show? Yeah. Because you guys got to make the pilot at least film it. They, they buckled us at the script process. They were like, I don't know.

Now, we do, Nick DePaulo as a fucking car owner. Hilarious. As a used car owner. Hilarious. Letting him be angry and racist. Dude, Shane and I would watch his podcast like late night. Yeah. Just watching him rant.

I mean, I love that fucking guy. We set up. Nick DePaula losing his fucking mind. And also maybe. Maybe this country wouldn't be so divided if you would have a show that had Michelle Wolf and Nick DePaul. 100%. Because one of the, it's real.

One of the greatest scenes we had was we went, Nick, go off on Michelle. And he's like, you fucking. stupid red hair. And he like went off on her. And then she fired back. And I was like, this is awesome.

This is awesome. We had a good director. We had every, dude, just what, but it was. It was fingerprints. It was people getting in

and fucking with it. Yeah. And by the end, it sucks when you make something and you're with it the whole time. And by the end you go, look what they've done to my boy. Dude, me and McKeever worked like for 10 years doing sketches and stuff like that.

But like if you look at that first pilot of like the, even before the web series, the funeral episode. that's the one where I'm like that's the lens of what we wanted to capture and then it goes to the web series fingerprint then it goes to the pilot for television double fingerprint and then it's like well this is not who we are yeah you know and that's always the beauty of what they're doing with tires with Netflix is like the full creative control it's all about numbers no one gives a fuck anymore you can eliminate all these fucking these these you know nonsensical fucking morons and what

you do is you have Shane and McKeever going in there going to leave me the fuck alone. 100% and Netflix goes for sure. Yeah. Which by the way is very rare. That's on the back of Shane going, I'm the fucking best in the world right now. You can suck my dick.

I'll let you know when I'll call you back. You know what's funny is? Because when you remember Shane was a young puff when Delco proper's going on. And it's almost like he grew up to be like, I watched what you guys did to my boys. You're not fucking doing that. Shuck my dick. Make the show I want to make. And that's what you need.

Yeah. That's what you need is you need a big dog that someone's going to come in a big dog. Yeah. And go, fuck you. I'm not making that. McKee was doing the same thing, like, creative-wise, where he's like, he's not, I know for a fact, he's not making the same mistakes and let people step on some product. He's like, this is, this is how I'm doing it.

You could suck my bird, too. You know, I came out hot after Stone Cold Law got killed. We had a show, we sold it with Stone Cold Steve Austin. I'm not talking about this was like, we were like, and maybe we can get him. Yeah. He was on the Zoom calls. He was fucking bloop, popping up going, hey, what's going on, boys? And you're like, hey, Steve.

swear to God. Just popping up being like, what's going on to you guys? I'm in Utah and I'm a shuddering a sniper rifle. And me and St. Remain are like, I'm like, I'm playing Ghost of Sushima Samurai game. Feeling like a...

But we... I was so hot after that cartoon got killed. Because here's what pissed me off. We wrote... St. Remain's such a fucking great writer. It was so funny, dude. We wrote... I was supposed to do a podcast with Bobby Kelly last night.

Yeah. And I'm taking this antibiotic for that I think. I passed out. I missed the fucking podcast. Bobby, Bobby hasn't responded to me yet. He's a hero. Dan said,

are you okay? Is there anything I can help with? Bobby, Bobby sent me to the moon. I'm going to find out if he's really upset. He is. But I'm going to tell you right now,

he is. Yeah. Fuck, dude. Sight unseen. Bobby, I'm sorry. Side unseen. Make this the only clip. Bobby, I'm sorry.

I missed you, Bob. I'm going to tell you right now. I was a sick boy. Hold on real quick, Tommy. Yeah. Side unseen. He's very mad. But he just saved a life.

So he's okay. He's a hero. He's running off the fumes of being a hero. So you made your mistake at the right time, is what I want to say. It's all about timing. But what's funny is when I came off that stone cold, we wrote the script, we gave it to him. And then peacocks coming back to us going, we're passing it around the office. Everyone thinks this is hilarious.

If we can get Steven Seagall to be the bad guy in this, this would be fucking great. Stone Cold for Stephen Seagall. And then they pass on it. And you go, then what was all the dick? tickling you were doing. Dude. So then when I came in with the cartoon we're doing now at Fox, I came in on like every meeting and I was like, here's the deal. Fuck you.

Yeah. I got a YouTube subscription. I'm on the road. Cause of Shane. Shane did this with Gillian Keyes. When he did his first theater tour, he took the marketing money and turned around and made season two of Gillian Keyes. So when I saw that, I was like, that's a brilliant idea.

When I signed up to do a theater tour, I turned around and I told all these networks, I was like, I'll make it myself. Yeah. There's young animators. and I can get people to do the voice over. Now you can do everything on your own, man. That's what I mean. They said this shit 10 years ago, but like now it's true.

It's so true that you don't need anybody. But what I like about Foxes and shout out Cheryl at Fox, she was like, fuck yeah. Yeah. She goes, I like, I like this attitude. She's like, there's certain networks that are starting to function the way like a YouTube designer would. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They have, they're like, they're going to fuck everything because they've seen it too. Yeah. And if you get in the Foxx. I do voiceover for Universal Basic guys on Fox. And it's like, those guys are like, they don't abide by the rules either. Also, shout out those guys. Because of their show,

they would like our premise of our show. They're like, that may parallel to go. And you're like, please. Yeah, it's season three right now. Fucking please, I know.

Because they're the same production and everything that our show is. Nice. So we're watching them and we're going like, guys, can you give a screen light, please? Yeah. We can make a fucking great show. And we got rolls for everybody, baby.

Yeah. Just fucking let us in the door. Yeah. But I'll do something for you. Dude, fuck yeah, you will. I'll do something for you. Are you kidding me? I can do lots of stuff.

Dude, I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I get a lot of voice. You're going to be absolutely one of the eighth-based bullies. Just don't make me a fucking wop. I'm tired of being a dying. You're not going to be a little kid. I can be a little kid.

I know. You get to be a little kid. Yeah. I'm going to make you a little gonzag. Just regular. Can I just be regular? But shout out another thing that's great about. Can I just be regular?

Why is everybody telling me I'm a fucking Italian? Why can I just be a regular guy? Is everybody going to put me over noodles? I don't want to go over noodles no more. I'm naked with a robot. Why people keep cornering me in a man? Holding a newspaper like the end of a fucking good fella. 13.

Yeah, you're fucking, you make you're a grown man. What's your fucking problem? I can't just see myself. Before we leave, I need to know what happened with the bleach. Oh, yeah. Right now? Just what happened? Tell me the story.

Dude, it was Final Destination type shit, I told you. It was, I bought, my girl has a thing with her eyes. Your girlfriend's unbelievable, by the way. She's the best. She's the best. She was at the look at dish. Yeah. Yeah.

That look at dish, we were just like, oh, we don't even want to leave. I know, dude. You guys are like, we're going to film another one. We're like, can we just fucking all hang out? Yeah. It was the best. Yeah. So she has fucked up shit with her eyes.

She knows she's like deathly afraid of anything with eye related. I get that. She gets nuts. She can't do contacts. Dan, I have to fucking roll the windows up to use the windshield wiper fluid. Right? Yeah. She'll go nuts if the windows are down.

She barked. In Texas, she barks at the wind. She's afraid of a piece of, like a little dog. Go, go. No, more that. No. She's afraid a piece of the water that has a chemical in it will fly into her eye and she'll go fucking blind. She's nuts about shit like that.

So she goes, you clean the shower. She says it all the time, don't get bleach in your eye. I'm like, shut the fuck out. How would I get bleach in my eye? She says crazy shit. I think she put it in the universe. She wished this on me at some point. Anyway, I order three pylex with bleach.

It's the only thing that gets mold off. It really is. Tilex with bleach, they know what they're doing. They know what they're doing. Since 409, I think 409's defunct. Dude, it's rompapil set it and forget it. You don't even have to scrub, dude. Squirt and let it sit.

And you're good. Everything's impeccable in our bathroom. Can I tell you the last time I cleaned my bathroom, I did that and forgot I did it and jumped into shower. Oh, shit. And as they turned it on, I was like, oh, my God, I'm just naked throughout my bleach. Welcome to cocaine, brother. Yeah, I was like, oh, I go, like.

Anyway, I pull out one of the bottles, brand new out of the box. Sure. I spin the top from off to on, you know. I start spraying like this by the shower head. Wall 1. I'm on wall 1. Yeah. Not even in the width part yet.

Yeah. And the bottom drops out of the handle, the mechanism. Hits a towel rack and does a 360 at my face. And when I say it was like a violent splash direct to the fucking eyeball. So you had to come down like that. Dude. And like directly in my fucking eyeball, I immediately go to the sink. Could you feel it immediately?

Oh, dude. And I go to the sink, start splashing. I'm washing it out. I even got in the shower for 15 minutes. My girl calls my sister-in-law who's a doctor. And I'm like, I'm screaming. I'm going, I'm not going to the fucking ER. I'm not going to we had plans.

Yeah. We had plans that night. That's so funny. And I'm not going to the fucking ER. I can't break plans. I can't. Your eyes all the way. I'm just wearing an eye patch.

Can Tommy see the future now? We got sushi tonight. I'm not going to the fucking E. I'm going to do a little roll. I'm going to sit around and watch rich people eat fucking sushi. And finally, she texted like her friend who's also a doctor. And like three doctors said, go to the U. York.

You got a. And then I sat in the fucking ER for like five, six hours. Fuck. And canceled my sets. I'd mothership sets. How long did it wait for them to see you? Not. It was pretty quick. I guess they, you know, they, I guess they just look around going, who needs the most immediate attention. They always do that. They asked me how long ago it was. I only told them like 25, 30 minutes because it was right around the corner of this hospital. So they let me sit there for like a half hour, maybe before I got this thing called the Morgan's, lens, which I saw that they opened your eye. Yeah.

I'll send you the photos. Yeah, he'll edit it in. You can post it up. Yeah. But essentially it's a giant plastic, imagine a contact, but larger, where it sits underneath each. Ah, fuck that. Dude.

I'm like your girlfriend. I can't fuck with that. And then they put this IV thing, the drip. And they just for an hour, hour and 15 minutes I sat there, why this, this bag depleted. And you don't, I'll tell you what, when you close your eyes, you don't realize what, what straight is, right? So you've got to stay straight on this lens or else it starts cutting into your cornea. Right? So every time you go left and right and dude, let me, I'm, you kidnap me. Everybody's

go in the jail. The fucking secrets I would tell. If they kept me in there for 15 more minutes, I'm ripping that fucking thing out. Yeah. I was like losing my mind. It started getting like real crazy. How did it feel? Did you get the relief of when they took it out? There's no relief at all. That's like a catheter. There's ear, yeah, ever been catheter? A hundred percent. No, I haven't. I imagine. It is the worst because they, after I got my shoulder operated on, they were like, we got to give you a catheter.

Yeah. So I had to piss and I couldn't because of the medications. And when they put it in, you go, oh, I'll feel the relief, but you don't feel the relief. No. And then when they pull it out, it hurts even, and then you're like, just sitting there after. For two days, the irritation's nuts. Why are we in these fucking glasses?

You think I want to look like this, Dan? I thought you were going into a producer out, though, huh? Yeah. But you're not getting bothered in mid-down. I just sold three cartoons. Go to 47th Street. I bet they ain't bugging you. Oh,

the Morgan's Lunders. I got a deal for you on a diamond. Oh, Hey, look at this boy. Fuck. Oh, that's all right. It's like the dolphin season.

Yeah, so it's just, you know, three days of hell. And now I got this ointment. So you have to put it in. Did you experience any eye? No, I feel good.

The problem is, it's like, forget the alkaline with bleach. You can't tell. if it's corroding your your actual cornea retina. So it's very, you know. Yeah, that's, it's dangerous. Fuck yeah.

Because you're not feeling the immediate pain the way you think you would. Yeah. And it's slowly. That's the scariest shit. Slowly corroded. You go, I feel fine. And then you open it and you're just one eye willie for fucking duty. I'm supposed to go to an optometrist before I put contacts.

And we shoot tires on Monday. I'm like, I can't fucking, I got to, I got to see a doctor. So I can wear contacts. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Could you film tires without contact? Yeah, I'm not, my, my sight's not bad.

And you're not like reading cue cards or nothing. No, you're just being a fucking, being a wop. Being a wop. You and Schultz being waps. I, uh, dude, that's, I mean, way, way, way less dangerous. But getting stuff in your eye is a feeling that you go, it's immediately helplessness. Yeah. It's immediately like your hands go up and you're like,

dude, you take things for granted, man. Dude, when I worked at Dos Caminos, we had a salsa trio that you'd have to put out on everyone's place. It's pretty sick. But there was a habanero salsa that was like filled with habanero peppers. You get in your eye? Yeah, dude. So you take ladles and there's a trio that you have to like bring to the table with the chips. So you ladle it out or whatever.

One time I dunk the ladle in and it just goes bloop right into my eye. And I was like, ah! Just like on the line. being like, it's in my eye. It's pepper spray. Well, yeah, the sous chef, and I don't know if this was just like it worked because I thought it was going to work, gave me a glass of milk. And then it was small enough where I put it over my eye and just had to open my eye

and milk and like do that. And he's like, do it. It's a base. It'll fucking neutralize it or whatever. And I was like, I don't know if that worked or what. Like people might know what that isn't like that. It's supposed to. But it helped.

Yeah. It was like, but it's so funny to me back on. the floor with just a one red eye. Yeah. They like, do you want to try her like, I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? But I still remember seeing the, the little go in and go, whoop, right in. And I was like, how do those porn stars take come to the face? Yeah, it's fun.

Because they go. Yeah. They're hungry. They skip lunch. You're not yourself when you're hungry. Yeah, they got to bring in porn stars to show you how to deal with bleach. They go, this right here's Julie. Yeah, and she's going to show you.

She's like, take it right to the eye. I love you. I think you're one of my favorite human beings on the planet. Every time I see you, I get ramped up. Stuff Island, look at Dish. Yeah. Watch his stand up. He's fucking hilarious.

Yes, sir. Tires, season three. Yeah. You got the whops in that. Everything, Tommy Pope, ingest it and love it. Love you, buddy. Sorry, buddy. Go Niners.

Oh, don't end like that. I know, but I got to say it. I'm a fame. No, you're right, you're right. I got to say go Niners. In two, one, go birds. Oh, God.