Soder - 130: Fritos by the Pool with Kyle Kinane | Soder Podcast | EP 128

Episode Date: April 21, 2026

Support the sponsors to support the show!Here's a special, (limited time) deal for our listeners. Right now get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription – at Babbel.com/SODER - Rules and restrictions may apply.https://www.babbel.com/pages/en-us/eg_podcast_flags_ame_usa-en?bsc=podcast-soder&btp=default&utm_campaign=usa-hostread&utm_content=6m12mlt..oxfordroad..soder..usa&utm_medium=podcast&utm_source=soder&utm_term=generic_v1Download Cash App Today: [https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/wdild9do] #CashAppPod. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/card-agreement. Cash App Green, overdraft coverage, borrow, cash back offers and promotions provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http://cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.For a limited time, new Cash App customers can earn $10 if they use the code CASHAPP10 in their profile at signup and send $5 to a friend within 14 days. Terms apply. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Cash App Green, overdraft coverage, borrow, cash back offers and promotions provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to Zocdoc dot com slash SODER to find and instantly book a doctor you love today. Zocdoc.com/SODER Thanks Zocdoc for sponsoring this message.https://www.zocdoc.com/?utm_medium=audiopodcast&utm_campaign=soderThe Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour is coming to your city!Get tickets at https://www.dansoder.com/tourApril 24 - Larchwood,IAMay 15-16 - Omaha,NEJune 5 - Newark,NJJune 13 - Mill Valley,CA - Special TapingFollow Kyle Kinanehttps://www.instagram.com/KYLEKINANE/https://kylekinane.com/https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDAukC261mCbmA3Ft9mLUoQhttps://www.facebook.com/KyleKinane/PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow.https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572Connect with SoderTwitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoderInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoderTiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedyFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoderYoutube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy#dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcastProduced by  Mike Lavin     https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

Hey, everybody. Thanks for watching the podcast. The Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour is coming to an end. We got Larchwood, Iowa, this Friday, Grand Falls Casino. And then I'm going to be running my hour in Omaha, Nebraska, one of my favorite clubs, the Omaha Funny Bone. I'm going to be there May 15th and 16th for four shows. I'm bringing Sag Daddy to God. We're having a hell of a time.

And then if you live in the New Jersey area, I'm going to be there in June at the New Jersey. Performing Arts Center on June 5th. That's Friday, June 5th, one show, and then the tour is over. DanSoter.com. All tickets are available right now. Please go get them and I'll see you on the road

before I film this hour. I'm very proud of it. I think you'll like it. And then the new stuff. And then the new stuff. Thanks for watching the podcast. I hope you're doing good. You never know what someone has going on

inside their own head, but you also sometimes don't take into account what you have going on inside your own house. But it's show business and what people have going on inside their own head is like, oh, you're a nightmare. Yeah. You're my living hell. If they did an updated version of that Mel Gibson movie, What Women Wanted, but it's just in the, in the entertainment industry, it would be a horror film. That, and I've always wanted to remake Falling Down. Yeah, with my Michael Douglas? I mean, it's a pretty funny movie. It is very funny.

If you kind of take out the end where he's just trying to see his daughter or whatever, the rest of it's, you're kind of like, yeah, get him. The McDonald's scene. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, he's like, no, that's all of us. You cut that out. That's all of us. Have you ever seen someone's bit and you can pinpoint the start of where that bit began where you went like,

I bet that happened to you and then you got all the rest of this bit. Yes. Falling down that McDonald's scene, I went, that probably happened to you and then you wrote this whole entire movie. You know what? I got a couple other grubble. grievances.

A couple other things. Who could string this together? It's overdoing an alimony payment. I was having a rough day. I missed breakfast at McDonald's. You know, I can get 90. I'm a vet. You get 90 pages out of this.

Yeah. Like that movie specifically, you see that McDonald's scene and you're like, that had to be the inspirato. Well, like, I've always thought, like, you could redo it as a comedy if it's just a day of frustrations, of traffic and everything. It's real funny in its own right, except, now the whole, and I want to get a gun and shoot up places. People do that.

Oh, God. That part. Let a white boy get some motion. We got an heart out there too. Would you want to make McBuffin at 115? You could argue that every Ben Stiller movie is falling down but funny. Like every character. What's the one where he like makes friends with Adam Driver, like they're the hipsters?

Oh, yeah. All were young. Yeah. And it is a little bit like, oh, yeah, look. I'm like there was a little bit element there but but there is like meet the fuckers and stuff just everything he's like disrespected falling down with Ben still it honestly it works I think you could do it I think it's a seamless where you put him in the same position you go it's just funny yeah yeah just just turn it up a little you just have lose the weird flat top lose the Michael Douglas emo

glasses flat top that's what makes it and let let let let let let let let let's still get flut you know what he does you let him do what he does wind him up yeah Let's make it be funny. Ben, we just need classic you right now. You already know the scene. And Ben. So they directed it. And you do the thing you do.

Yeah, because that is one of those movies where the older you get and the more frustrated by smaller stuff you get, falling down becomes less and less of a drama and more of a just. Somebody had the bit. It was about what was the Grand Tarino? Like, Grand Tarino, that's my grandfather, except he thinks that movie's real funny. I forget who's been it one.

And he got a laugh out of everybody. Yeah. Yeah. I laughed at some of the wrong parts. Yeah. I mean, that movie, what's crazy about Clint Eastwood is, you would think at that age

that he acted and directed it, that would have been his last movie. But he just stays alive. Like the sister in Pet Cemetery. How is? He's just so gross and weird. There was some picture. you could tell he had, like, is the thin and the pants were just buckled,

hanging onto the last ribs sticking out. That's the only way they're staying up. Yeah, it is. He's yelling action. He's like, I don't like. Doesn't have the cone, the old-timey bullhorn? How am I supposed to talk to the actors? If they can't, I mean.

Where's the crank on this camera? No. People free. The Obama empty chair thing was so funny in hindsight. I mean, and when you watch it, it's just so, it's such a bomb. Go back and watch it now. Now that everything's on fire, go back and watch that. Because you go back and you watch that and you go, oh, man, this was so much better entertainment.

Pop, pop, going a little nutty on this one. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you, Obama. It's the one when the grandkids are like, no, let them run with it. Yeah, dude. But they're holding it in. Yeah, it's sad. No, it's sad.

You can choose to be sad. I don't know, Judy won't shut up. She's crying. We can't let him do this. And you're going, he thinks he's there. Yeah. Or if you put an earpiece in him, like, fucked with him. And then just someone did an Obama where they're like, oh, fuck you.

And he's like, I didn't show you that. Actually, I think, I think you're a pussy in those spaghetti westerns. He's like, ah. Fistful of dollars, more like a fistful of shit. I'll get you, Obama. Rubama. Now, yeah, just a Bluetooth speaker in his bedroom. That's what it is.

That's, we're not taking advantage of pranking the elderly as much as we should be. They're on the edge. Okay. They're living too long. I'm going to let you defend this standpoint. They're living too long. I want to take a long sip of my waterloo. Well, you go ahead and say, we should be, we should be pulling the wool over these oldies eyes.

Why are we just selling them gold? We could be selling them everything. Dreams and hopes. They fall for tons of shit. You leave going, I didn't know Soder was a rub my hands kind of together and I have a plan kind of guy. Oh, Kyle, we can take all that money. If you had your will in place when it was supposed to be in place, you wouldn't have to worry about people like us coming through.

Maybe if you were... Maybe if you didn't go to that... Maybe if you went to that notary. Yeah, yeah. Remember how your grandkids were like, get your paperwork in order, but you didn't? That's what we're doing now. My grandmother hit an age where it became like she was refusing to... to take, I got her in home care, so like a nurse would come by.

She was like 94, 95 when this is happening. Yeah. She wanted to live alone. I talked to a doctor who said, that's really good for their mental health, if they can live in their own house because they know where everything is. And they're kind of like in grooves. Yeah. Going to the kitchen.

They know how to make coffee and shit. Because she got COVID and I was like, is this one I should put her in a home? Oh, okay. And he was like, no, no, keep her in there. But get her in home care or whatever. And then I started noticing like, dude, my grandma has zero idea what's going on the world around. She was just like absolutely locked in in a way, but she wouldn't sign over power of attorney.

So like she treated me like I was a 10 year old boy. Did she know what that meant? Yeah. She was still with it. And I was like, hey, power of attorney kind of if something medically happens to you, I can come in. Right now I don't have any power. Like I had Bluetooth speakers under your bed.

That's what I want to do. That's what this paperwork says. It's a play monster match. Yeah, yeah. And hope that you have a heart attack. No, but it became a point where she, this is, this was hilarious to me because she, like, wouldn't go with me on it. I'd visit her and be like, hey, I need you to get these power of attorney things.

And then I could, and she'd be like, why? And I'd be like, well, okay, something happened. And she'd be like, why? And she always was like, no. And then she met. That's kind of funny. Yeah. And then she met my fiancee and trusted her way more.

And she was like, I'll sign them. but Katie has to be there. And I'm like, you don't think I could just pick up some strumpet to lie and work? You dumb asshole, I should have ripped you off because she eventually signed him

and moved to the notary but the whole time she's like, I don't know, I don't need to do it if Katie's there. I want a witness. A lot of trustworthy witness. And you're like, no wonder our family has so many fucking issues.

My grandmother wouldn't even be like, no, it's just a case if I have to pull the plug, which I did. No. I did. She was mid-90s, And I guess my dad went over there one day.

She was just sitting on the top of the stairs. Was like, sat down, was like, done. And that's how she died. No way. Was, yeah, in her own house. Sat down at the top of the stairs. Just sat down at the top of the stairs. It was like, I'm out.

Like that is kind of, kind of hardcore, yeah. That's the way you want to go. Yeah, got my first playboys from my grandmother. Me and my cousin were doing yard, which is doing one of those things like, we could just throw cherry tomatoes at each other and then she'd give us 50 bucks.

Yeah. But then we come in neatly with twine, organized stacks of Playboys from decades. My grandfather had passed at this point. My grandfather's dead. I don't know what to do with this. And I was like 15.

Perfect. I mean, you're running on the phone. I was late to the game of getting my own stash at 15 years old. Yeah. I'm trying to think how.

You know, the woodland, the classic woodland pornography existed, but this was for me. And me and my cousin were like, she's still with it. Like, there's, she's not cuckoo like this. And we had so,

many. Like we're just putting them in the trunk. Like, are you calling our parents? You think it's a setup. You hit her chest to make sure she doesn't have a wire on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, what do you have fed? What do you think? Also, I got this chronic blunt. You want to smoke the, you want to smoke the stickiest of I mixed my pills again. You just sort them out for me. Take a handful. We had so, what it was like in the 30s. We had so many bundles that we tried to trade them at like this dirt bag go cart. track. We can't all, we can't just walk into our homes with this. We have, we have parents that are home. Like, so we're trying to give, I remember it's called Silvesters, Silwester's race carts, Melrose Park, Illinois, just an empty lot with spare tires and a guy with like two go-karts.

Great. Some, some old Polack with like a spider web tattoo across his chest. But this is, this always goes to my, the rule that we need, our golden rule needs to come back of. If you own it, you need to work there. Because now, I don't need to go to some super clean indoor track owned by a financial private firm. Yeah, it's that's never been there. The dad's smacking their kids because this is the path to NASCAR now is go-karting. I saw that first. Not the smacking part, but like, you need to shave seconds off this lap.

I'm like, we're next to Top Golf. Most of us are drunk. Calm down. Yeah. I don't think your kid's going to be in the Daytona 500 in five years. This was dirt track. Your shoelaces is wrapping around the front wheel. Just governor.

off on the lawnmower engine and this guy going looking at my cousin's trunk full of playboys like have these already but with so he's like you go how long you want he just let us do laps all day everything in here i've come to yeah yeah you have fun but old porn was cumbersome because you had to hide it you couldn't you couldn't just like have a bookcase of porn in your room when you're 15 well okay so i know you like you like divorced parents and stuff. Did you have privacy in your life enough to stash? My one.

I did not. So my stash, my mom, I was raised by a single mom, but I'm an only child. I didn't realize that's a different relationship until, uh, my fiancee saw it enough that she's like, okay. You're one to one in a weird way. It's like roommates. You're involved with each other. Yeah, but there's a privacy of like that I don't think if there's a privacy you get single

mom only child. that you don't get if you have siblings with a single mom. Because the single mom's like, I'm trying to take care of all these kids. I got to be in all these rooms. My mom was kind of like, so one time I had a bunch of playboys, maybe like a penthouse or something,

a couple magazines, top of my closet under this thing that you had to move, right? Well, she was trying to find something to my closet, clearly moved it, found the magazines, took them, didn't say anything. That fucking move. I prefer that Because I went and I reached

So you know she knows She knows you know We're not mentioning it ever again That's what it is It's a terse You know what is this It's the demilitarized zone Between being a mom

And a son where you go I won't cross here And you won't cross here I was a goblin I was like they My cousin went So we had the one My cousin tried to bring him

Into the house like under a sweatshirt I just walked like he was holding a sweatshirt Like it was like a like a trail of Like a tray lasagna when he walked Oh, Kyle, here's your sweatshirt. I'll bring it in your room for you. As soon as he walks out, he's like, what was in the jacket? I'm like, ugh.

Because I can't lie. I can't lie. I'm like, I knew she had just, for some reason, just stashed him under the bed in her room. Like, instead of throwing him out. But I'm like, well, I can't just take him. So I went and I like, I tore out all the pictures. That's great. Like, I have to look back, not being apparent myself.

Sure. But look at what. my behavior was as a kid and just if I was a parent being like, Jesus Christ. Can I tell you something you just said that made me feel a lot better? I didn't want to admit this, though, but in my stash, a lot of torn out pages. There were just torn out pages like stacked in between magazines.

I was a torn out page guy. If I was somewhere and I saw a porn, I'm like, well, that's going on with me. Oh, girls are the Pac-12. Fold. Full-fold. Arizona State. You're coming with me.

I did. I had torn out pages all. over the place. Yeah, I'm not interested in this interview with Walter Kronkite. Oh, Bert Reynolds is back at it? Yeah, believe it or not. I mean, smoking the band was a badass, but I know, I'm not going to read about it. Yeah, I, so I had that, I, then I had, you know. So she would take them, go put them in her room under the bed. She stashed, she said, that one, that one grip of them were said. I had all the pictures torn on it. Yeah. But then, you know, okay, you go to Tower Records, you're getting your own. There was a drop ceiling in the basement

with a real flimsy, like, press board stuff. And I just had it. it all up there. But then I just came home one day. My mom's like, it's a mess in a basement. I think it's yours. Go clean it up. In the laundry room, just that it gave way. It just showered my mother in pornography. What were she doing? She was just like, nothing. It just the ceiling just, it was like, like crappy press board. The weight of your horniness. It was, I had I was bolstering the foundation with what I had up there. It's like when they open those radio towers and it's just a squirrel's been putting acorns in there for the last 20 years.

Blu-lo-lo-lo-l-l-lo. Like, yeah, there is an energy. First off, your cousin coming into the house like a shitty assassin with a gun under a thing. Like he's trying to kill a president. Hold a sweatshirt with two hands like this. But the energy. of like hiding porn and being creative in it is something that kids that just look at internet porn

will never understand of like taking something and finding something in your house or you go, yes, I had these drawers on like a shitty cardboard bookcase that was just in that when I was a kid where all my books would go, you know? And then when my mom sold a bunch of them in the garage sale, They were all empty. That's when I had a fake ID and I started buying VHS porn.

Oh, man. So I just had VHS porn in there and she never looked. And I had a good. Faced up? It was in the closet against the wall. Oh, okay. And there was like sneakers and stuff in front of it. So really you would just like knock them away and then pull it out to get like splat on my rack to the original mix tapes.

First up, like, I'll, I want to address, like, I know it's like a comedic moot point to be like, in the view, we had to find porn in the wood. But still, as far as you can't take away a formidable experience of a young man, like not as a bit, but as that's how you went about. There's generation. Learning about yourself. I remember one buddy, his dad had stuff, but then there was like the booby traps of like a string in front of the drawer.

So they're like the cabas if you opened it and then closed the street. He's like, we got to put this here. And then this has to go back. And there was a thrill to. it and the VHS tapes, that was... VHS tapes were, I remember one time one caught in the VCR. Hey, if you're trying to learn a new language, you're probably like me and you're like, well, that train has passed, but maybe it has it.

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Cash App is a financial service platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by CashUp's banking partners, prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank member FDIC, Cash App Green, overdraft coverage, borrow, cash back offers, and promotions provided by Cash App, a block. Incorporated brand. Visit cash.app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosure. Was VHS tapes were, I remember one time one caught in the VCR and I was trying to pull it out. And then I heard the house fire. The garage. Yeah.

No, we just got to burn the house down. I went like this. I went, well, guess what? Class A students. You're no longer a part of it. And I just cut. I pulled it out where you could see the thing was grabbing the film. Full sacrifice.

And I just pulled it. and then ran up, ran upstairs. It was like, fuck it, you're dead to me. But you really, it's shooting your friend when the zombies are coming. You're like, I'll never get to drink off to this again. But mom, just open the garage. It's the two Alpine climbers

where the one guy was dangling on the rope. Like, to save me, I have to, you have to die. That's what it is. I just had to cut it and cut my losses and run. I had, oh, I just think the basis of that in a man's life of finding the excitement of, finding ways to get it private truly makes you more romantic, I think, as you grow older, because you go, oh, is it special?

Yes. Or the real risk. So you did you get like, you, I, you had the bit about like trying to print something out and everything. Yeah, 100% true. So you had like the home computer thing. The home computer thing. That was when I stopped fucking with computers on porn was that moment.

Because what happened is, you know, obviously I did it as a bit, but she just came down. stairs and was like what the fuck is this and you're like i don't even know but then she hit me with the she used to do my laundry and i used to just i don't even want to think i know and i used to just come in my old boxers i would just cap it when i was when i was like i'd just be in bed turned out those and the coke bottle thing oh this this is a mess 100% 100% dude 100% mentos in the diet coke bottle this is exactly what it was and my mom just you know single mom only child that roommate relationship she goes do you know that cum smells oh no oh no oh no i was like god damn it i could never drink off it and so then that's when i went to clean exes i'm getting my own place mom you're 14 i know

but i think this is best for both of us let me out i want to divorce you this is just to save Save us. I want you to emancipate me. I need to go jerk off. Our home computer was at the bottom of the stairs in the basement. Okay. And I was like down the stairs? Down the stairs.

And I. Was that on purpose? I don't know if I want to think about it that much right now. It was in the corner before. Now it's right. But never underestimate the horniness of a young man and the risk. Like now this is going into criminal. territory where you got guys that beat off in the park and everything.

Happy to say, I didn't get, but as far as just in the home, in the home going like, this computer's a new thing and everything I want to see is just, it's right there. And all you need, all you need is a clear window of privacy. Or some courage. Yeah. Oh, man. And I went for it. And it was, I mean, purely just suburban white, like, so.

Sure. Sure. The exotic, the variety. And it was, I remember specifically, it was like thick black ladies. And it was, you know, of an era where I was like, oh, these, like the real thin supermodel things. Sure. And I was just, now I could see the things that I, well, if I just want to see. Look what, look what an actual butt looks like.

Oh, good God. Yeah. And then just the door at the top of the stairs opens. It's just my mom like, like, like, you're a corner peas or something. And my choices were, you know, stay there. Don't move. But trying to click off everything on a computer with just nothing but windows that are open. Yeah, yeah.

Or is that a rolling office chair? Just push off out of sight. That's got a genius. I pushed off out of sight. You see exactly what's on the computer, but plausible deniability. You didn't see me in the area with the computer. Sorry, Mom, I think we got a horny ghost. Yeah.

What? Were you looking at this? I think dad was looking at juicy black asses. Why are you still sitting in the chair? I was doing a thing. I needed the wheels. Just a, but to hear that scoop, you hear the rolling across linoleum.

What is, sorry, mom. Did she watches this stuff? I'm sorry. What did she do? Did she just go, Kyle? And then leave. It was very much,

Midwestern, just a, well, dinner I'll be ready in 20. we're gonna focus on our daughter we're gonna make sure that one gets on the straight narrow my big thing uh because our computer sucked and that you know we had like the dial up as did you

but it was it was so difficult to watch videos were like not even a thought it was mostly pictures but I got I remember a tape of like three B movies like Titty movies Shannon Tweed movies Oh, yeah. Remember Shannon Tweed? Yeah, USA up late?

I mean, USA Up All Night. Yeah, okay. But it was usually on Cinemax. Those were the Cinemax movies. Yeah. The Cinemax movies were like Shannon Tweed movies where she was a detective

and all of a sudden there was a handsome man that might be connected to the murder. The Emmanuel series. Yes. It was like Red Shoe Diaries. Oh. Remember those? My man, Duchovny.

No one remembers David Duchovny. He's paddling smut. No, no. He was just in the first. He was just reading the diary. There's, I know he was. He goes, he goes, he goes. Can she love people?

He's like on a beach with a dog. Yeah. And it'd be like, I fucked my mechanic. He's the guy in the park. And here we go. And here's what you wanted to see. Yeah. There was an episode with Cato Caelin.

Where Cato Cailin's like the guy that bangs her. Like, it reads your diary. But pre. Pre murder. Pre 94. OJ. He had a little work. Cato got a.

He was working. Cato was getting some gigs. That's why he's in the guest house. One of these rich. few diary episodes take off. Yeah, you couldn't be a total slob and get the guest house. Well, maybe if OJ didn't kill, he would have been Molder. Okay.

That's what they're going to know. Fox, yeah. OJ, this is really going to screw up my career. Yeah, he goes, OJ, I was up for X-Files. Now the narrator got it. Do you remember, I was talking about there was somebody else. And it was Fox. I know.

I called Fox Molder, which I know. You got to remember that. David DeCovny, you played Fox. Yeah, I know, but I'm going to screw up, like, according to the true fans. But do you remember. remember a series, and not to dominate, to commendere this episode making it all about, more and middle-aged

men talking about porn. This is why people listen to this. All right, well, let's dive deep. There's people in the office right now that are going, I want to, I want to talk about 90s porn with Kyle Canaan and Dan Soder. Yeah, there's a couple of Reddit. I'm like, yeah, let's fall down this one. Fine, why not? Let's see what, before

they really figured out surgery. Oh, really? Oh, just like, well, I don't even know what I'm looking at right now. Yeah. God bless. I looked at it more of like a stunt thing. Like look at what you did with your body. But isn't that what you felt like the first time you saw actual porn?

Not Cinemax. I, Oh, I remember the real rascal of a kid in junior high. It was one of those. Like, oh, you live in an apartment. I don't know kids. I mean, we didn't have money. But like, oh, you just live with your dad.

The middle class was doing so well in the 80s that if you live, lived in an apartment, kids were going, what happened? It was one of those like, okay, you're getting, you're getting your life back together. Especially if you're in the burbs. I'm talking about if you're in like a Midwest or the Colorado. Like, we would go to this kid. Yeah.

This kid that lived in a town, there was a townhouse complex right across the street from a place. And I remember going into his house one time, these new kids moved in. And we were like, these new kids are so cool that they're dangerous and they'll ride their bikes so fast. And they smoke cigarettes like we do. And then we went into the kid's house when the kids,

dad was a clan member. He had like his shirt off and he had a huge Confederate flag on his back. And I remember being like, well, I'm not coming over here with Johnny. Who's my boyfriend? How old were you at the time? I was, uh, 11, I was maybe 12. And you knew what that stuff was then. I saw that.

No, 12 you, you know, okay. I was like, oh, man. Well, you were at Denver or where about? I was an Aurora. So southeast Denver. You got plugged into that pretty early on out in Colorado. I saw that shit because of where my dad lived. My dad lived in Lake County.

Okay. Just three hours north of San Francisco. Very rural. Oh, California outside of the cities is... Yeah, it's tough. I remember going to go out to L.A. People just had swastika spray painting on the hood in the car. Like, there had nothing to be afraid of for them out there.

There's a lot of great people in Lake County, but people know what I'm talking about if they live there, that there is a racist enclave where you go. And my dad was, like, in trailer parks getting drunk with, like, anybody. Well, and how far out from like Humboldt was at? Oh, no. It was like, it was East of Yucaya, about 45 minutes east to Yucaya off the 101. So, but it's like beautiful, but the people there are terrifying. Some good people, there's a lot of great people there.

There's a lot of very terrible. With every area, yeah. But when you're plummeting into the depths of alcoholism in your 40s, you're not hanging with the best and the brightest. And when you're a little boys visiting you, you're exposing them to people that are, in my own experience, quite terrifying. I think I visited that apartment. It was where I first saw porn.

That's exactly it. It was one of those like, oh, this is one of those apartments we have to walk downstairs to get into. Your windows are so high on the wall. You know who the gayest I felt in those situations were? Was they were all drinking. We went to the lake, like these like swimming spot or whatever. And my dad and his girlfriend and her fucking white trash family were just drinking. Shout out to Bonfire fans.

remember fat tit, Neil was my dad's girlfriend's son. He had giant nipples and tits. And he was so mean to me because he liked my dad. He was 14 and I was 12. So he was mad when he found out that my dad had an actual son. And I was just like a nice kid and I was living in a good suburb. You know, I was living in like a suburb of Colorado. So to him I might as well have been Richie Rich.

And I came and he was like this fucking pussy. Fat tit Neil straight up bullying me. But we were out all day with them. And the gayest I ever felt hanging out there, or like the prissyest I ever felt, was they, my mom would feed me dinner every night between 6 and 7 p.m. Yeah.

I had regular meals. I had a good life with my mom. You were cared for. You were loved. My mom loved me. My dad, they were like blackout drunk and it was like 11, 15. And I remember being like,

can we have dinner? And everyone was like, oh, who's the pris? And I was like, I need to eat. And I was like really getting like, I was getting like bitchy. I was getting raised by a single mom bitchy. I was like, get a load of this guy in his basic needs.

Yeah, that's exactly. But you know what's funny is no one is there to tell me like, yo, you were right. So I just spent years being like, I'm fucking, I don't know, I'm a press. I mean, how are you supposed to gauge? I mean, I can only imagine, especially if that's your dad too. Like, oh, that's not a part of your family. It's not like, well, this is how my friend's family lives and I won't be around. Yes.

This is my dad. This is my dad who I don't talk to a lot. So it was like, I would see him once every two years. So you're also going like, well, I want you to like me. But I'm very hungry right now. I'm also a 12-year-old boy. It's your fault for not getting enough freitos by the pool. That's exactly what it was.

That's exactly what it was. Where he went like, I was trying to think of the shittiest white trash corn chip. It's plain fritos. And I will say to this day, I're eating scoops when there's nothing to scoop. Ask anybody that knows me. First off, that's a little too high flutin for my taste. I like the single skinny Fritos because you can snap them off.

And you also can make them into a sloppy Joe pretty well. Or a pile of fritos with meat with like meat witch on top. All right. It's really good. I want to correct a few things that you said right in there. Meat witch. You know the can of meat? It's Manwich.

Manwich. Which isn't better than what you said. But Manwich sounded in my head. There's no way it's man. No, I think we grew up in the same kind of level of income. That's why I was like, it's Manwitch. Manwitch, you know what's funny though? Don't call it Meat Witch.

Manwich, that's a type of porn we were talking about. Well, manwitch sounds like a kind of porn. Manwich sounds like a gay threesome. It's a burly gal. It's a meat witch. It's a meat witch, meat bitch. Oh, get up in that cauldron. But then I remember, like, ask, like doing the passive aggressive thing of being like,

hey, so, oh, like looking through their cupboards. And then finally my dad was like, do you want that? then they made me the saltiest hamburger helper and what made me mad is my dad could cook yeah so that was like a shitty meal but he was just black out and he was like yeah salt meat noodles there you go you you little fucking queer this didn't help anybody it didn't help anybody it didn't help me and then I had to lay on that couch that itchy ass couch and sleep there that night and just my dad was like banging some white trash lady so he did the thing we're at it was clearly after they fucked he was walking to the bathroom in his underwear and he was like you didn't really

you're all right buddy like out in the living room and you're like i'm fine you just were you inconvenienced his yeah that was it but that's what i mean like you like um you've dealt with this so i'm not going to get sad on your behalf right now but yeah that sucks that's oh it just sucked but that's what i'm saying like that was always to me when i'd go to a kid in a tough apartment's life it would always in my head go like this is what living with dad would be like that if and not and not to generalize like if it was with the mom i'm like she's trying to get it back together. She's working two jobs and we're going to have been this. It was with the dad. I'm like, oh, there's no, there's no role model here. Oh, you go. That's why this kid, you're going to be

raised by a wolf. I was only friends with this kid because his last name started with a case, which is like in junior high, like, oh, okay, you're the guy sits behind me. So I guess we're friends. I saw him at the, uh, Addison State Fair or like a community fair. We're at the booths and everything. Now, come on. We're going to go to my place to live across. I live in the apartment's by the junior high. were injured you. I'm like, all right. He goes, Michael Jordan's greatest hits.

He put us in it as just mid, butt fuck porn. Just, and I did not know that's how sex even worked. Wait, did he prep you at all? Nope.

He just went. It's like, no, watch his tape, Michael Jordan's greatest hits, and then just put it in. Was he like doing the thing where he was watching

it being like? I don't, I, at that moment, I had never seen penetration. Did it? I think, because it was still,

even in the magazines, it was still, still kind of like, yeah, she's over there and there's a guy like, yeah, or she's like squeezing her boobs together. Yeah,

something that still wasn't, that I recall, and it was close. It was one of those. They did a lot of close shots. I didn't see the two people. Yeah. They were all about,

dick and vagina. I'm like, what's this? This is Michael, Michael Jordan? This is Michael Jordan? Which one's Michael? This is also in the Bulls dynasty.

So I'm like, wait, I didn't, I mean, I didn't watch, I'm not, a sports guy but I don't I don't remember this happening was this the third

time they went which one championship I'm guessing the ones getting fucked you the trailblazers yeah I'm sorry I'm sorry I don't even know enough about the sport to know how to reference it oh then he just put that on and then he's like yeah I was like who I gotta meet up with my other friends because this feels like it's dark in here and I don't know I don't even know you and we're in a

basement but it's also your whole house and I got to the feeling of like this weekend That feeling of like you're drowning and sad. Yeah. But you can't show to other kids. Where I'm supposed to be enthused with. But this makes me feel like I don't want to be around.

That's why I never understood porno theaters. Yeah. Like let's all hang out and watch this movie. That's also what a lot of... That's how you had to consume it back in the day. That's what it was. Growing up, you would be around your friends and they'd be like, oh, I've got...

My friends. had a black box on his TV. Oh, okay. So he'd get the Spice Channel. And I remember something that in hindsight was very wrong was we all watch the Spice channel and then we would make fun of each other for getting boners. Where he'd be like, I bet he's got a boner. Meanwhile, I was tearing through denim.

I just had my arms over it being like, I watched the girl's boobs bounce. I remember, because this is still softcore porn. They don't show the penetration in spice. So what they do is they- Need it. No. They would, I'll tell you,

and this is how simple it was. This is why I think we need to outlaw online porn for kids, because there was something about being 13 years old and watching their bodies collide and move in a way that I went, oh. I just being like, holy shit, that's doing something to me.

It's a real jazz. It's about the nudity. You don't seem that you got to fill the gaps up and develop your sense of imagination. And hopefully. That grows into an appreciation for art and creativity. But right now you're like, I think what's happening where the screen cuts off is it's going in. And there's a sound. And it looks like it feels phenomenal for everyone involved.

But her boobs bouncing, it was a spoon. They were having like spoon sex. And I remember her boobs bouncing made me go like, I got to go home right now. We were at the one kid's house whose parents were never around. I think it was an open like using the bathroom. that's great and nobody would like yeah no one's like yeah go ahead no one talk shit like that was the one the first kid like what you're doing there cranked it yeah like oh that's we're just gonna be cool like that all right i'm up that is that you know what's funny is those kids i feel like we should track

them like buffalo because they're going to be the most successful in life because they go i'm myself and i just say what i do like they go i jerked off and i'm comfortable with it and you go we should be president well because the rest of us are not okay we're not going to be there for three years there's a part of me that would argue with like do you think that especially with stand up and how much like i've done you know you get book on book done like this is not happening like sure it's a story that's cram like that's my whole i've i've put everything out there that's why the idea of shame of like we don't nobody i know has shame and that's a good thing about being like i'm open about this Went there beat off.

Yeah. What am I? Be secret about it? I know what I did. I'm telling you. But maybe a little, maybe a little bit of it. Maybe a little bit back.

You know, I wouldn't mind a little shame coming in like the whoring that we're seeing in society of just like, I guess the example is celebrities with commercials where you go, I don't feel like it used. I mean, I did a joke about it, but it is true. It used to be like when you saw a celebrity doing a commercial,

you'd be like, oh, they need the money. They're hard up for work. Yeah. And they need to pay. their bills. And now it just seems so like fans make excuses for celebrities doing commercials that you go, no, we should shame them. We should be like, you don't have enough? You don't have enough money? Like a little shame goes a long way. I think you're right. We don't have shame, but I also think

we did feel shame and we learned how to work through it by making fun of it. I had talked about this and I got blowback on a different podcast about hearing that like some celebrities will just do a days worth of work for a commercial, get a million bucks and they can put that right into a a charity or something. Like, you want me for an afternoon? I can alley this amount of money over here. It's like, granted, they probably have that money already. They could just give it.

But it's also the ones, if you don't hear them talk about that, because it would be tacky. Sure. Then I, just for my own hope in the good of the world, I want that to be happening. I don't think it is. I don't think it is. No.

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doc, dot com slash soda. Zok doc. dot com slash soda thanks zoc doc for sponsoring this message the idea of celebrity is different now well it's so fractured everything everybody can have access to some level of fame and make money off of it yeah i i'm i'm split both ways i can be a hypocrite because there's some days i'm like get paid how are you going to get paid yeah it's it's a shit show out there also there's two people that came through comedy when there were gatekeepers and it was industry heavy and you

watched all that drawing back on how I felt then to people now I go fuck yeah get your money yeah go around these motherfuckers fuck these people but then there are days where I go is anybody gonna care about the quality of content I heard that people the average people will they'll watch 20 minutes of an hour special. Yeah. I'm like, I spend all the time trying to make sure the end is the best part. And nobody, like somebody coming in, just eating the fries, slapping the burger off the plate.

I was just going to say, yeah, eat the stuff off the cake, but I don't like the cake. And you go baking the cake's the hardest part. Nothing. Nope, nope. I'm going to set up. I'm going to get six cameras so I can make sure I get 30 second clips. because I don't, I'm not even concerned with making a special anymore. I'm concerned with making a commercial to sell tickets to come see me live.

I still want to do that. I still like that part of comedy. The live part is if you don't enjoy the live shows, as well, I tell them all the time, the second that you don't like doing live shows, legitimately pack it up, because there is,

outside of paying your rent, there is zero reason to be. We don't have to get mired in, like, comedy talk. It's easy to do, but. If we slip into it, but I'm just, I'm not going to get tamed. Oh, yeah.

I want to get every couple, and then the industry of the bar. But I'm fascinated with dudes that you find out that some of these people that are open about it, like how much money they spend on a social media team. Yeah. So like, and I'm not saying that if you have a good product

and you spend a ton of money to get that product in front of people, and then they like it. Especially as you escalate, as things escalate, as you get bigger. Yeah. So, but I mean,

you could spend all the same amount of money some of these other comics are spending. And if the act sucks, it's not you're not going to get back but i'm like where's the rest of your life well there is where do you where do you okay uh because i like you're you do this show sure i don't know how many i do this and stand-up you don't have any other i do the regs twice a twice a month with bobby kelly lewis and and joe okay that's a twice a month they're like four podcasts yeah man i was they got they got a they got a they got a camera crew that opens for them yeah they they the camera crew opening thing i've seen

we've seen that a lot. And I understand it. Listen, everything, this is, this is where standup bleeds into gun ownership. We're like, I understand. I love to these things. But I understand.

I love it. Going out into the woods of Oregon and shooting is one of my favorite things. The world, shout out Sumner. I'll be doing that soon when I see you. You need a gun for protection sometimes. Sometimes you can be a gun enthusiast, but then sometimes that can bleed into you just being a full-on psychopath and having way too many assault rifles and guns that you don't need and you're

going like hey i think this is a bigger problem than you protecting yourself yeah my concept of how the world works is warp now yeah is that's what because some of these comics i mean whatever don't have to name names about it and i don't think they're bad people but i don't need to out who if i know how much people spend on social media where but what about the part where you write jokes or just live your life like i because i'm in a stage now where i'm like and i'm I wasn't even doing that much. I just tour. And I'm trying to like, I just want to go live.

Like, I'm here in New York. Like, so what sets you got? Like, none. I did the Bell House on Friday. I did Jersey City Saturday. I did the thing. You know what? Trying to cram myself into five spots a night while I'm here.

I'm going to see my friends. As someone that lived like that for a very, very long time. Yeah. It becomes a fear of, and I'm only speaking for myself in this, it was a fear of slowing down thinking. thinking it would all get taken away. I'm fighting it right now. That's where my calendar stacked.

It's not spots in town, but it's every weekend. But I'll tell you right now what I learned. And I think where I was fortunate enough to learn this during COVID, when the road did get taken away and all this stuff got taken away. And then when it came back, I had a different attitude of like, well, now I have a life. Now I have a fiancé and a dog and I want to do stuff. And it became more effective for me to not be doing 90 things.

Yeah. And just focus on two things. Now, I don't think in the current age, that's probably the most, the way you're going to make the most money and all that stuff. But I think you'll be sane enough to enjoy what you do have. I'm trying to get over worrying about, am I going to level up? Like, I might not.

I would say you're one of the level I'm at. It's pretty good. You're one of the greatest comics in my mind. of all time. Get the fuck out of here. I am so serious. The first time I'm uncomfortable. You're on a level with Rory Scoville, with Nate, with Shane.

You're one of these guys that, with Sean Patton was always one of those guys for me, where I watch you do stand up and you're like, want to grab everybody else and go, that's what you fucking do. That's, the first bit I ever saw you do was the rehearsal show at Gotham for, live at Gotham on Comedy Central and you did your holdover on a bike bit. Oh yeah, as being a little bastard on that show.

And he did he was great. But I saw you that night at the rehearsal for live of Gotham and then you did Cabin Bar. You did Comedy as a Second Language at Cabin Bar. And you're just one of those guys like Kurt Metzger that used to be when I would watch him that I'd go, I want to quit. I want to quit.

I don't think I could come up with that. I don't know how he came up with that. That makes, it doesn't make me angry at you. It makes you, it makes me help my, hate myself. I love still seeing those guys. Yeah. And that's why I think there's a delicate balance of,

I think what happens is people get success and then they shut the door. They like, they just close the door and they go, well, I got to, I got to only worry about how I'm going to shoot into the other level. Yeah. But I think the real success is staying grounded and like seeing guys where you go, fuck, I want to go do stand up and find a bit like that. That's why Portland's great because I can still go watch people doing their headline spot.

Like watch what the final product is supposed to do. That's what I love about New York City is I can catch someone like Ethan Simmons Patterson or I can watch Peter Rovello and I can watch them do 15 minutes and go, what the fuck am I doing? What the fuck am I doing on stage? And then you go and you go, well, I have two choices. I can even start shutting all that off and going like, I'm the best. Go Howard Hughes, clean X box on my feet.

go crazy and kind of insulate myself, or you just like, get better. Just go do four fun jokes. Or just bomb moron. Like stop being scared of bombing. I'll get us out of this comedy tailspin. By the way, there's people, this is what I always find out,

because I always, I'll hit the eject button first on the comedy talk. But then there's been a lot of fans when I've been on the road recently that are like, hey, I know you're a stand-up comic. I'm fine with you talking about it. It's just when I started the podcast, it was like,

Stand of comment. And that shit sucks. But talking to you, I'm talking to a guy that I'm not. I love it so much, I don't want to ruin it. Which is why I can't do five spots in a night. And I take all summer off to go live my life. Yes.

And then when it's time to go back on the road, oh, here's all these things I was thinking about. And I think they're fun ideas. And I don't know if they're going to be good jokes yet. But you're going to watch me bomb a little bit. But it's because I got fun ideas. Well, not like, here's jokes that are jokes Because I know how jokes work

Because all I do is go see people tell jokes every night It's the thing also for you Where you bring all this stuff that happened to you And then you like put together the puzzle of the bit And you go That's always fun That's the best part You found all the edge pieces

And you go It's gonna be a picture It's gonna be a whole picture And then it doesn't happen for a week And you get frustrated And you're like this fucking thing Where's fucking comic ever? But I feel like...

I'll start driving for Lyft. Yeah, but that should be the energy. Comedy's popularity is about to go away. It's mass appeal is... I can't hope so. It just is. I hope so. I want this bubble has been stretched so thin for so long.

And I'm looking forward to the tourists falling away. Yeah, I was... It's filled with tourists. When we could talk about the weird late-night pornos where it was like RC cars, they were like a commando unit of big titty ladies? Yeah. If you want to bail out on the comedy thing.

I'll always talk about that. I wonder if you're saying those series of movies. They could sell me on anything. I was a teenage sex mutant. Do you remember that? And he had the thing that came out of his head and the women would get naked. Saw it my friend Justin's house sleeping over. Can you look it up?

I was once a teenage sex alien. Okay, if we're going late. Because this is like late. Okay. Do you remember when they did like a Cinderella parody, but she had like a snapping pussy or something instead of the slipper? And so the prince had to go. She just had a tight pussy.

No, it would like make a noise or something. Even as a kid trying to be horny, I'm like, really taking me out. This was first thought. Suspension of disbelief is destroyed right now. It was called Dr. Alien, a 1989. Doctor Alien. Dr. Alien.

That was the piece. But I remember that lady. Dude, I remember that lady. Judy Landers. Shout out Judy Landers. Damn. Back when you could be a sex symbol named, Judy Landers.

Look at her and just have the blonde hair. We'll put the picture up of Dr. Alien. The alternative title, the film was also released under titles, I was a teenage sex maniac and I was a teenage sex mutant, just like Manwich. I know the answer, but I try to change it to make it right. I know, I got to go with my heart. The film's plot centers on an unpopular honor. You couldn't read that in the TV guide that I was just like, oh, no, Dr.

Alien, they'll know. They'll know. It's on at 1130. And it had the little, it's a nudity and sexual content. It's got Judy Sanford. What's her name? Judy Landers. She's got Judy Landers in it.

And she was Miss Zenobia, her sexy biology teacher. Oh, I thought that was like a country that's no longer from a beauty pageant. Like, like, they got bombed in 96. That was part of the Yugoslavia. That was part of Czechoslovakia. That was when they, wait, was that Bosnia, Herkatsovina and xenophobia? A fow, Wesley, this is what I remember, Wesley becomes a chick magnet

whenever a phallic stalk emerges from his head. So it would be like an alien dick would come out of his head. Wesley begins xenophobia, which may have something to do with the fact that she isn't from Earth. But yeah, that was it. I was a teenage sex mutant.

All right. And now I want to find Snap and Pussy Cinderella. It was one of those ones where like, so there was a series of movies were like they were like commandos in a jungle but like the bikinis were camouflaged like oh that's how you go undercover yeah and then they're in heels always yeah they were like but then there was also it was a one director and also they all used remote control cars or airplanes to get a bomb under the enemy's jeep or something so i was like well like that i love rc cars there's a boobs

yes and it's going to blow stuff up and then they're going to take a shower the mixing of. This has got everything I want. That's why when people today go like, you're a pro wrestling fan, do you ever hear a glow? And you go, motherfucker, you think a little boy that got voters and love pro wrestling wasn't dialed into glow? I told you, body movement made me almost come in my pants. Of course. These bitches were slamming into each other. So I always tried to like, I always thought like that MMA was the logical conclusion between drag and wrestling. Or that wrestling was the last.

conclusion between MMA and drag. It's violence. And it's pageantry. It's outfits. It's characters. No one wants to admit that loves professional wrestling. It's the gayness that is endearing. It's like the pageantry of it is endearing because you go like the match is fun.

The stunt fighting is fun. But it's everything around. Yeah, it's a show. I don't know what happened. I look at my youth of people like, well, I was into wrestling a bunch. or you were into sports. And I'm like, I wasn't into anything. And I'm like, what, what was I doing?

Outside of just tearing out pictures of tits. So they could shower. I'm like, if I had these other interests, maybe there's like a well-rounded kid that's kind of horny. But I'm like, I'm looking back. Like, that's the only defining thing I got going on. It's not like what other interests. Did you skateboard?

I was a skateboard BMX kid. But also, I just, I never was obsessive the way. Just other kids. Like, you have the time. to be obsessive about something and know all the names and all the kutrimar like i'm going to get this i'm going to have this on my cake for my birthday it's going to be a w wf cake or something fuck yeah and i i didn't have had a couple of those yeah i was just like i don't know i know it was 100% escapeism yeah it was uh wrestling was a way where i could just watch conflict be resolved

in front of my face in a way that was uh satisfying that the world wasn't providing for you This is giving me closure on some things. 100%. 100%. There's a good guy and a bad guy, and most of the time the good guy's, sometimes a bad guy would, and that's how the life is.

Kyle, occasionally unfair. And then I would, I obsessively gotten to sports because I liked sports. But I also realized if I knew who everyone was and I could talk about sports facts when I'd visit my dad and he worked at a Boeing alley bar, I could sit there and talk to the other men

and they'd go, hey this kid isn't a queer I like your boy Gary and I'd be like 49ers you're fucking 7 and 1 and Steve Young has 17 touchdowns and two interceptions and they're like this little fucking weirdo yeah all right it's more numbers than I was playing

on talking about but all right but it would always be a thing of kind of like it was rooted in people pleasing and like because I liked it so something I could talk about and you got acknowledged in a positive way for it yeah but like I always wanted I always wish I was ballsy enough to be a skateboard

order. I never was never good at. I never was I was the guy that would sit there and shit talk. I mean, it was always about being a smart ass. That's what that's right. There's the guy that's good. Yeah. Shout out Chris and Mitch. They were the best out of my friends. Greg was the guy that had the had the balls to try things and the rest of us drank 40s and mocked mocked to each other for not trying things. That was and also and also like yeah like all ages music like once I could start going to see punk shows in Chicago. That is what I did every weekend. That's awesome. And Yeah, so I did have the thing that I got obsessed about. But that was not.

That was, by that point, I was. Alienated me from the adults around me even further. That was, yeah, then they go, wow, this kid really doesn't want to talk to me. Yeah. Going to punk shows, they're like, whoa. Got green hair at Christmas. Is that for Christmas or just because you're, like, gay or something? All right.

All right, this is fun. It's good. It's good to midnight mass. You know what? Video games are that for me. I can just go, like, I'm going to play video games. They go, I can go play your little video games. It's like, so I don't have to talk to you.

Are you not picking up on this? I don't like you, Joe, mom's boyfriend. I want to go play WCW versus NWO Revenge on 604. Go play your little video games. Now don't bother me. I got this pile of scratch-offs

I've got to work through. Dude, that's exactly. It really was like one of those things where you, as a kid, you just tried to find. Now everyone's in their phone so you don't have to go outside. But when you were a kid, you had to like find a reason to go outside.

You'd be like, I'm going to go to a park and skateboard, but I would ride my BMX. I had a BMX bike. Yeah, I was always out. I was always out. Not athletic, but just still out. I feel like kids are still out. I feel like that's the thing that we do in our older age.

We go, they don't do the thing, but I think they're still out. My friends that live in the burbs, I go out there, and I see kids running around with bikes and shit. Do you get? Well, that's what I love. This whole, like, we didn't wear helmets riding bikes. We weren't no pussies.

I'm like, you also didn't have X games on high-deaf, watching a guy do a double flip with a tail whip in the middle of it. And now you've got a seven-year-old going, I'm riding off the roof. Like, let him wear the helmet. Yeah, let them. If they're going to do crazy shit, also they don't make... And we did.

We had kids with head injuries. Yeah. I remember one kid at my daycare, like after school program that had a head injury and had to wear a baseball helmet outside. And you're like, yeah, it makes sense. He spilled his brains one time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he wasn't no pussy. Yeah.

But you know what also is they also make helmets cool now. They're not as lame as they were. Yeah, it's not a hand-me-down motorcycle helmet from the garage. Or the one with the big sponge on the side and it's pink with the... a visor, you can get a good helmet now. Yeah, I mean, I already, I still do mountain biking, so I'm going to go out. I look like a dipshit every time I go out. But it's with a bunch of other middle-aged dudes that look like dipsets.

You better have wrist guards on now, brother. You better have everything on knee pads, elbow pads. Just a helmet, man. I'm pretty, uh, fuck, you pretty ride a roll. Pretty extreme, dude. Is there a guy in your fall out? Like, why wasn't it? Where in the wrist guards?

Is there a guy in your middle-aged group that rides that is overprotected? Oh, there's a, I mean, because it's a, it's a dentist sport. Yeah. It's, it's, there's a, there's a moneyed entry to like the bikes and everything. Oh, yeah, you got to like buy a good bike. And that's what I like, again, I don't know if you're planning on kids or anything. Nope, no kids. Okay, so.

Yeah. That little bit of, what should I, yeah, yeah, why whatever you want to buy? I do that with my cousins and their kids are like, my friends and their kids will be somewhere and my friend's kid, I'll be like, I want that. And I'm like, you, we don't know. And I go. you really want that. It's mostly pissed my friends off.

Or they go, don't do that. I go, I want. Just raise him. Yeah. That's your job. Tell him. I go, you got to tell him why he's feeling is wrong in this. Yeah, yeah.

I just got to, I threaten my friends with Amazon drops. I threaten them. You could be home between three and seven? Yeah, I go. Some doors are coming. And I say that to him. I go, you fuck around and piss me off. I'm not going to silence you.

I'm going to send. $300 worth of toys to your front door. My uncle would do that, but he would just buy, like, loud Christmas presents. Sick. For my, like hit sticks, which are drumsticks with a speaker that you could play on everything. I had a hotlicks guitar. Yeah, my sister didn't want him, but he's like, he wanted him because he wanted my mom to be like, what the fuck is this?

It's the best thing in the world. Drums, but anywhere. God, Jesus. The childless couple that presents the problematic present. Where you go, yeah, absolutely. I don't have to deal with it. Yeah. I literally was telling one of my best friends, one of my best friends, one of my childless,

my oldest friends in the world. He has two, his twins and a daughter. Three daughters total, but two of them are twins. I was like, when you guys get into music, let me know, and they're little. And I go, you guys want to play drums? They go, yeah, I'll get you a whole kit. I go, you play guitar. I'll get you a stack. I'll get you an amp stack to the sky. Yeah, yeah. It'll be getting a back to the future. Get you a step ladder to turn it on. Yes. I'll get you a generator. That's the basement I have now. That's sick. That's my basement. And there's little flashes of, come on, shouldn't I be doing something? I'm like, what else?

What else was I supposed to be doing? Yeah. Hell yeah. And knowing, I think knowing. And it's, and I live in a house. So now nobody else has to hear only the first half of kickstart my heart, except for me for about four hours, depending on how many beers I've had. And depending on how many beers you have, sometimes it's going to be locked in.

Sometimes it's going to be real sloppy. It's never locked in. just how enthused. It's just, can you hear the enthusiasm? But that also is the thing of like, uh, I understand I get that in life. And my friends get to feel a little love that I'll never feel.

The reward of putting a good person in the world and seeing them develop. Like, I guess that's nice. But I also tell them, hey, I got the war chest. So if you ever need anything, we can help you out. Yeah, I've kind of been like, this is here for. Yeah.

That's what you're supposed to do. It's a community, community funds. If you pick the aunt and uncle life, if you pick to be the aunt and uncle in the world, you have to also understand that you have the war chest if they go, hey, my kid broke his arm and we can't fucking afford this and you drop me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it.

Yeah. What's your tasteful way of doing that without being tacky? With my friends? Yeah. If they have a problem like that, which has happened. Because you can ask, if you ever need help, just ask, and you know they won't ask. I'll collect the facts. Yeah.

And then I'll ask if I. I can help. And if they say no, and then we talk about it again, sometimes I'll get a little aggressive and go, hey, what's your email? I'm going to put you in touch. And then I put them in touch with the adult that runs my finances. Yeah, I got one of those.

And I go, can you help my friend out? And then they go, and then like, my friends will wait until we're face to face again. And then I'll just like do like a hard shoulder grab. And they'll go, thanks a lot. Yeah. Why don't you just fucking tell me, Let me show you what I would have bought with that money so you don't feel bad about where it went. Did you think you can buy a human-sized fruit by the foot?

Because you can. Six foot four of fruit by the foot. You know how I got a thing with even numbers and I only have seven mountain bikes right now? I would have just gotten another one. Because odd numbers creep me out. It really is the thing where you're like, dude, please let me help you. Yeah. Because you're doing the hard thing of waking up and feeding them breakfast.

and telling them what numbers are and shit. Get a back brace for your kids. Get one for the other one too. But it's also like, it's fucking like sometimes my friends will like come out to see a show and I know that they're like tight or whatever. And I'll be like, let me get you a hotel room.

Why don't you stay at the hotel with me? You can hang out. You get a different room. And then you and your wife can have a fucking night in the hotel because you don't get that. But you don't think. And then they go, and now I got to pay a sitter overnight.

You go, all right. Well, fucking. I don't know, dude. I'm trying to do something. Never mind. Never mind. Don't worry about it. Don't come to the show.

Yeah, I don't like you anymore. We're not friends. There's no war chest. Here's my bill for having to listen to you right now. Also, I'm sending $700 worth of toys and it's just noisemakers. Also, I want that fruit by the foot thing back. I know you didn't finish it.

There's no way. There's no way because I spent years engineering that. Kyle Canane is one of the best working stand-up comics. Please go watch him live. You will see great comedy. That's just, even if he's working on new shit, you'll see great comedy. Watch Kyle Canane.

Everything he has on YouTube. I'm not going to follow up that promise. Yeah. Just go watch good stuff. And Kyle Canane's good stuff. That's a podcast.