Soder - 137: Riding Bikes with Mike McDaniel | Soder Podcast | EP 134

Episode Date: June 2, 2026

Support the sponsors to support the show! Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to Zocdoc.com/SODER to find and instantly book a doctor you love today. Thanks Zocdoc for sponsoring this message.https://www.zocdoc.com/?utm_medium=audiopodcast&utm_campaign=soderGet moving with Mack Weldon. Comfortable anywhere. Go to MackWeldon.com and get 20% off your first order of $125 or more, with promo code DANhttps://mackweldon.com/ code DANGet up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com/go/soder #squarepod Visit Square to get started— because the right tools make all the difference.https://squareup.com/us/en/campaign/audioThe Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour is coming to your city!Get tickets at https://www.dansoder.com/tourJune 1-2 Key West,FLJune 5 - Newark,NJJune 13 - Mill Valley,CA - Special TapingJuly 9-11 Batavia,ILJuly 16-18 Stamford,CTJuly 31 - August 1 - Albany,NYAugust 13-15 Baltimore,MDAugust 20-22 Spokane,WASeptember 18-19 Manchester,CTOctober 2-3 Bernalillo,NMOctober 22-24 Calgary,ABNovember 5-7 Salt Lake City,UTDecember 10-12 Rochester,NYPLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow.https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572Connect with SoderTwitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoderInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoderTiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedyFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoderYoutube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy#dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcastProduced by  Mike Lavin     https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

When thirst strikes and your energy begins to fade, one hero rises above the rest. Introducing the superpower smoothie from Zhu Booster. A bright sun-charged burst of mangoes, bananas, and blue spirulina. An out-of-this-world smoothie. Just in time for the new Supergirl movie. Discover your power and channel your inner superhero. Fly into your local Zhu Booster and experience it for yourself today. And see Supergirl, only in theaters June 26th.

Hey everybody. I'm wearing my 49ers hat. Even though today's episode, my friend no longer coaches there. Sure he's with the chargers, but I can still love the 49ers. We're taping the special next week. I'm very excited. For those of you who have tickets, I'm very excited for the show. But then in July, I'm back on the road. Writing a whole new hour, building it up. I'm very excited to do that. That's one of the fun parts of doing stand-up is just trying new stuff and hoping that it works. So check me out. I'm going to be at the Comedy Vault in Batavia, Illinois, July 9th through the 11th, New York Comedy Club in Stanford, Connecticut, July 16th through the 18th. And then in Montreal, I'm doing club soda on July 25th. All these tickets are available at Dan Soder.com.

And then the full list of clubs for the rest of the year is on this poster. Go to at Dan Soder on Instagram or go to Dan Soder.com and see where we're going. But I mean, we're talking about everywhere. Albany, Baltimore, Spokane, Poston, Post. Hortland, Hartford, Connecticut, all the big dogs. I'm very excited. I'm going to be in Calgary, in Winnipeg, all these places coming to run and build a new hour. DanSota.com for all those tickets.

Thank you for watching the podcast. And now here are two friends from seventh grade as adults. Now let's start. First off, I love the fact that. The mob glasses. Yes, dude. Is this from last night? Is this from the green room?

Yeah. Finderskeepers, bro. You grabbed the cheeses from the green room? Dude, I'm going to tell you there's... No, it was from your... Yeah. You're specific. For my dressing room.

And I waited the allotted time 60% of the show. To make sure that I wasn't gonna... Because I was like super self-conscious about messing with people's routine. Oh, like the axe? Yeah, man. Business, bro. That's so funny you took this from the dressing room because there's certain things that like

just don't leave you in adulthood. Well, I was going to eat it last night, but I fumbled one from the other bag. Backstage. I know what you're talking about. Because I double bagged. Because you were too bagged up. I had one out and I was like, fully going to go back to back.

And I fumbled one. You dropped the cheese it. Yeah. But that's not the sin. The sin was created on my part because I accidentally stepped on it. And then you can't just pick up the cheese it because now the cheese is in a thousand pieces. I don't want to place blame on you in that regard because specifically I don't want to possibly reinforce staring at the ground. That doesn't help you socially.

Dude, I. You know what I? Yeah. I've been trying to tell people about. You're always fighting the towers as it is. Yeah. you're the only you're one of the only people that obviously you've known each other since you moved to aurora in seventh grade but how much i used to apologize to my mom for making jokes for like making jokes right no no and it was all like i'd be like i'm sorry yeah i apologize you and our friend byron yeah but we and we got to like ironic it's kind of weird as a reflect but we were psycho analyzing ourselves then i think that's college yeah and then in our 20 or in our 30s um the entire time and it was uh very interesting

because we caught it early enough where you would laugh at yourself and we'd try to what it was like a tick like i'd fight the urge you'd be like i apologize oh damn there was one time there was one time you were spending the night at my house and it was like literally shock therapy because i was like I don't do that. And then like every time I was making a joke, I was like, I, I'm sorry, I apologize. Yeah. I'm sorry.

So I always think what was funny is I landed in L.A. on Sunday. And the first time since 98, 97, we rode bikes. Yeah, you know, probably, probably pre-Britney Spears. Yes. Honestly, I think we could call it the Britney Spears effect. Yeah. I think her coming out on the scene, we were done riding bikes and just straight jacking it.

We had gone from... Do you remember the game we used to play where we would take a tennis ball and throw it at cars driving by? And then we would try to act... Allegedly. Allegedly. And we would try to act when we were stopping it with our hands. It's weird how there's like... Everybody has their things.

that they could identify that'd be like, wow, I would hate meeting myself. It's not a long list, but like, that's one, like, a couple things. Like suburban tennis ball throwing and just driving just, but like. Dude, if my, if I was, I'm telling you right now, if I was in a nice Nissan Ultima, driving, bro, driving to, let's say,

what I'm doing, man. Let's say I'm driving to Albertsons. Yeah. I'm driving to the grocery store. Yeah. And I'm driving by where he used to live. And my shit gets hit with a tennis ball. I'm over that fence and I'm trying to fight those kids.

Do you remember when we got chased? You know what, though? Maybe we're looking at it all wrong. Maybe we should interpret tennis balls hitting cars. Cars should say, you know what? That's a cry for help because these kids have no supervision, which, you know, like. I do not have that control of my anger of a tennis ball hitting my car and me be like, don't. Hey, those kids are going through something.

No, but realistically, I would have been, I would have tried to get over that. How did we, why did we do that? Because we were, but we were spending 24, I mean,

all waking hours, like doing our own thing. Yeah. I think sooner than I would be comfortable allowing my daughter to do. Oh, 100%. Now that you're a parent, you're like,

there's no way I would allow her at, bro, 13 years old to go to Albertsons and turn off the automatic, doors like you and I used to do. No, just like go. Oh yeah, go leave just leave the house. Like all the things we would I mean we would like in middle school like summers summers in middle school we would go from like spending the night of my house and then we just ride our bikes to like someone else's house and hang out all day. It was a situation where if we were more attractive we

would be trafficked. Yes. God, if we were sexy we would have been snatched. But dude I talking about hating ourselves. If I were at a grocery store and a kid turned off the automatic door like we used to do, because I was our... I'm so proud of that. Yeah, me too.

Do you remember? So we used to... No, because... Have I told you this story? Yeah, but you were tall enough, though. You were like, you were a tall kid then. Yeah.

So it was also like, like a beyond our reach of like things that you could do. Well, we found out, we found out through another kid that I don't know if this is still how it is. You can't quote me on this. Yeah, we don't know where the technology is at.

It's obviously advanced. We're talking about late 90s. You could, there was a switch like a manual. A manual switch on the top right of an electronic, of like the automatic doors. Yeah, like one of those old metal ones that's like on a- Exactly. And you can flip it in any direction.

Yeah, but it's a hard flip if you get, if you get it going, it's stuck. So you'd flip it southwest. You'd knock it down southwest And what it would do is it would open the automatic door And then it would shut it But then the sensor didn't work So then what we would do is we would lock the automatic door

And then we go around to the side No, then we would watch We would just sit there and watch people You have no idea the faith that people have in automatic doors They just assume it's going to open Dude I don't know but it's always interesting It's like way different vibes

on once they get their bearings because you know it's like what just happened yes it's the confusion right and then all right am I gonna double down am I gonna lose my mind and get pissed am I gonna yell like automatically breathe out manager like Karen yes yes I bet I bet now yeah I bet right now there's way more

Karen energy of like yeah how could you let this happen back in the day motherfuckers were taking their bumps yeah and then just either manually opening it and getting their grocery because the grocery cart it's all about the grocery cart

would hit the door and then it would hit them the one that I felt bad about I distinctly remember was where on the side was there was like I want to say a three or four year old kid in the cart

and the cart hit and the kid just went down but you know like those are the risks you know you take when you're when you're playing that game you know it wasn't for the lighthearted Yeah.

There were risks. Parents could be called. Yeah. Parents could be called. It was called. We were good at not getting captured. Yeah. By known like.

My mom and your mom had no idea the dirt we were doing. No. They did not know we were going to Albertsons playing kickball. Do you remember that? Yes. And then one time we kicked the ball because we'd go into the middle of the aisle and play kickball. We'd like roll, you know those like, you know those big things that are filled with bouncing balls? Yes.

We'd grab a couple and we would play kickball. And then a couple times you launch it and it'd go up into the sign. Do you remember that when the sign came out? The sign for the aisles went like, dude, shit, shit. And we just ran. But, and I think this is why we both ended up drinking and having to quit that rush of breaking the sign and being like, go, go, go, go, go. And also, we were just habitual line-steppers, but we kind of looked at it like this. We're not stealing anything.

Exactly. The bad kids steal stuff. We're playing an instant game of kickball in your grocery store. Sure, we're locking your doors. There's like, so like, you know, like, I mean, you're welcome parents and and people within the store. We had a lot of fun. We had a lot of fun in that Albertsons, which is now like a Walmart. But maybe people didn't mess.

Like, maybe they gave us some grace because we really pressed their patience. Maybe they gave us grace because they're like, you know what? That a boy, kids. Way to overcome those. Yeah. Stand up to society. Yeah. Just because your fathers don't love you.

Doesn't mean the world won't. Yeah, but we would do fun stuff. We wouldn't do bad stuff. We would do prank phone calls. And like, you know what I mean? Yeah. That's what's always funny because I see a lot of the guys that we used to hang out with in middle school that would do the bad stuff.

And then they're just like dudes now? No, we played this to the same like, we were playing the same game the entire time from the onset where it was like, no, no, no. The game is not to get in trouble. Exactly. Now, how far can we push, how crazy can we get within the rule?

It was non-negotiable. Our fear was driving us. Like, we weren't getting in trouble. We weren't getting in trouble because we were afraid to get it. Yeah. And we were quick enough. And we did not want to get in trouble.

We scouted the mid, you know, mid-40s. A lot of those guys we were friends with weren't scared to get in trouble. So they would do crazy shit. Yeah. We were like, we're not getting caught. And then do you remember when you blew yourself up in eighth grade? Because I got cheated on by my girlfriend and you left that voicemail. I always tell people that was the moment where I was like, Mike is right or die.

Always have been. Yeah, always have been. but eighth grade in between eighth grade and freshman year you were chilling at my house and you were like I found out some information from a girl that we went to school with that the girl I was yeah you know Lauren was like yo uh she was like hey Dan's girlfriend cheated on him twice yeah and I was like that that was our first experience dude that was crazy in the in that uh you know the the the heartbreak yeah the because we weren't we got better with women but in middle school we were goofy no so girls liked us yeah but they didn't like we were ready to have a girl yeah we're children

you were ready to have a girlfriend still playing with that like publicly was dealing you know like so like I had to interject and I know I know kids now grow up fast, but we were in eighth grade, ninth grade. We found out that there had been some some fingering going on, which is huge. That's huge. That is adult version of sex. It's like that's eighth grade version of like, I can't confirm nor deny anything above dittling.

That's it. But I was, I don't know. She got dittled. We found out I'm heartbroken. Mike, ride or die moment. calls the girl I was dating's house. This is during the day, it's summer, in between eighth grade and freshman year.

This is not my style. This is not his style. This is why I'm saying. Which I think it was the point. Yeah. He set himself on fire because we were all about- I think I was distracted you. I think I tried to do something crazy enough

that you'd be like, dude, it's okay. I'll worry about you now. And I'm not going to give names out. I would never docks anybody. But he called the girl I was dating, we'll call her T. And he was like, it was, uh, answering.

Last name Rex. T-rex, tiny arms. Yeah. Thick legs. Yeah. Thick ass. Terrible of volleyball. No range.

Terrible. Pure carnivore. Uh, only loved meat. Uh, terrible to have small poodles around. She, because she'd eat them. So he, this is like, and I understand we have young listeners. The answering machine was a big deal.

The answering machine was the whole family heard it. If you got home and someone had missed a call, no matter your place in the family, you could listen to the answering machine. It wasn't your personal voice messages. It wasn't a text. It wasn't a thing that went just to you. This motherfucker speaker mode. Speaker mode calls. I was standing next to him while I did it.

Calls this girl's house. Perm speaker. Dude. And you go, you go, hi. You don't know me. but your daughter, blank, isn't supposed to have a boyfriend. Her parents were very Catholic. Oh, yeah, that was part of the, yep.

And he was like, yeah, he went, he went, not only does she have a boyfriend, but she cheated on her boyfriend with two other boys who put their fingers in her vagina. That was the thing that he stressed. And again, we're eighth grade boys at this point. But he goes, dude, I remember you being on. on my AT&T cordless, gray cordless going, fingers in her vagina. And honestly, it helped.

It made me feel so good. He threw such a nuke on that answering machine. But by the way, this is how fucking foolish I was. Yeah. That happened. And we just went and rode bikes. We just went and rode bikes. I think we rode up to your house.

Might have gotten a jolt cola or two and ridden to your house. Dude, I came home. Yeah. And my mom was like, what the fuck did you do? My mom went nuclear arm. And my mom could blow up. What up, Trish? I know you're watching.

She was like, what the fuck did you and Mike do? You called Redacted's house. She was like, Mr. Redacted called me today. Which we should have known. There's something fishy with the name like Redacted. Like Redacted. I was. I was.

preparing to get married and I go Mr. Redacted. That sounds good. I'll take her name. The vision on your vision board? I mean, I'm putting on a, I'm putting on a fucking veil. I'm Mr. Redacted. But, uh, dude, my mom was like, what the fuck? He, he, he star six, seven did it, or he star six nine did it. Got our number. She's like, he blocked, he blocked our phone number. I was grounded for the, I think like, I want to say the rest of the summer. I was in deep trouble. He's like, and I just called Mike and got off the phone with Donna, and he's in trouble, too. Did you get in trouble? No.

Damn. I knew it. I was like, no, dude, Donna's going to see why he did it and respect it. Yeah, but it was like. Damn, my mom really. I knew I was the only one I got. But it was like because I was motivated to do things. I got cheated on and grounded?

No, no, but I was just because I was motivated at, you know, taking my world to new heights. Yeah. I went to, it was like, you brought the fight. But it was like for us. Yeah. And I figured it's cost of doing business. Listen, dude.

And like. Honestly, I would, I would do, I did those, you know, I did those two months of being grounded on my head. I did a nickel for the cause. I did my dime and I got the fuck out. No. And it made my life more inconvenient. You know,

I think we started like, um, violating the, the grounding. Like, once you got a good weekend. Yeah. If I remember correctly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I started, I think I got a reduced sentence after a little bit because I think my mom understood. My mom is great with empathy and I think she understood I was very sad about what happened and that you were a good friend and she was like, all right, I think I can knock off. No, she was like, I need to socialize this boy. She caught me prank phone calling a lot. She was honestly really cool about it. And I think I probably would have been a lot harser. No, no, she was cool about it because now I remember this.

And Trish, this is cool because, like, I do remember vividly. Hey, if you are worried, you know, physically about something, an ailment, perhaps something that hurts on your body, you don't have to just sit there and go like, well, well, I guess it's just how my knee is. No, download Zoc Doc. It's a free app. and it's a website that helps you find in-book high-quality, in-network doctors you can find, and you can find a doctor you love.

So if you have a knee problem, boom, we're talking about in-network appointments with more than 150,000 providers across all 50 states. You'll find a guy that can work on your knee. More importantly, you'll find a guy that work on your knee that you like or a lady that can work on your knee. It doesn't matter. Whether you're looking for dermatology, dentistry, primary care, eye care, or one of the 200-plus specialties offered on Zoc Doc,

You can easily search by specialty or symptom to build the care team that's right for you. Stop putting off those doctors appointments. Go to Zockdoc.com slash Soder to find an instantly book a doctor that is near you and that you love today. That's ZOC, DOC.com slash soda. Zock dock.com slash soda. Thanks Zock doc doc for sponsoring this message. Oh, it's Mac Weldon time, baby. Mac Weldon Close.

You know what? It's summer. So you need some stuff that's breathable, but also that looks good. Mac Weldon's clothes are designed to fit your style and the demands of modern life. They got crazy comfortable, but elevated sweatpants. They got shorts for the hot months. They got everything. If you're lucky enough to grab them while they're still in stock, I'm just saying you can go find something that's nice, that's also comfortable that doesn't set you back a ton. They look like regular clothes, but feel like the latest in modern comfort. For over 10 years, Mac Weldon has designed time. endless, innovative menswear to help you move through the day with confidence.

Get moving with Mac Weldon, comfortable anywhere. Go to Mac Weldon.com and get 20% off your first order of $125 or more with promo code Dan. Damn, they went first name on me. That's how you know we're familiar. That's M-A-C-W-E-L-D-O-N.com. Code Dan. Now I remember this, and Trish, this is cool, because, like, I do remember vividly.

There being times that you would, like, you'd be all rambunctious and you would tow the line with your mom, which was rare. But it's because you could feel that, like, you were on a comedic rhythm at the time. And if it was funny enough. She'd let it go. So, but it was like, it was cool because like, if it wasn't funny enough, fuck.

I was in trouble. Oh, you are. I swear to God that's 100%. You apologize. Yeah, dude. I apologize. I apologize. You don't understand.

That's how him and Byron, my two best friends would make fun of me. All seven days, great. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. Yeah. Dude. Danny, he didn't finish your milk like something.

Weird. I mean. Something weird like that. But she wouldn't necessarily be. she'd just be like very assertive but she wouldn't be like you have to drink the milk yeah or something happens you would prematurely rush to the I apologize we couldn't even find out where the where it was going you know yes right I would a whole is that lead with an apology not knowing what I did dude when I started going to therapy um my therapist was like can I

watch your stand up and I did a comedy central half hour and I had it on a DVD and I gave it to him and he watched it and then the next therapy session I go and he goes why do you apologize before all your jokes and I was like shut the fuck up and he's like you apologize before you make jokes yeah and I was like you don't understand it's seventh and eighth grade my friends would always go I apologize that was like the impression he goes you still do it it was like crazy to see that and it was in my late 20s but the early 30s the coolest thing in the world is like figuring new stuff out about yourself. Yeah.

And then being able to recognize it and not overcooking it, minimizing it, but then laughing at yourself when you're like, wait a minute. Yeah. Those are three apologies. Yeah.

In 30 seconds, middle school dudes are calling me out. Yeah. Adjust my behavior. Adjust it. Adjust it. Adjust and then readjust. I mean, I think that's like, that's what's been crazy about watching you through your career make the proper adjustments. You've been watching me?

From afar. I bugged you. Oh. I put a bug on you at a slumber party in eighth grade. I was like, I have you tracked like a bison. That's better than I was in your house. Yeah. I was in your house.

An announced. Oh, dude. Remember sneak it out of your house? Yeah. We used to get so good. Sorry, Donna, if you're watching. We used to get so good at sneaking out of your house. Again, again.

Not getting caught. We never got caught. You would leave for the whole night. Yeah. But we applied our ambition, our thirst for life. Yeah. And like, we're like, hey, listen, we can't be successful like, you know, starting a little money-making business or really doing anything productive. But we can scheme our way into doing things that we shouldn't do, that we shouldn't do,

that we'd get in trouble for, but we won't get caught for. Scheming, dude. We're all about, middle school's all about scheming. It's all about what schemes can you get away with? And it was great. I was all about schemes,

dude. Well, it's kind of, as you reflect on it, what weirdos we are in middle school. Like, dude, just be above board.

Keep it real. Just keep it real. Yeah. And you're not here to be fine. But we would like, dude, We'd wait for your mom and stepdad go sleep And we'd sneak out and then just be outside

We'd just be out there No way to contact By the way if something happened to us It would have looked like we were just straight up abducting We spent a lot of time In the the pathways On the way to Indian Or right by Indian Ridge

Elementary School but on the pathway To Laredo and Smokey Hill Yeah we were in the cuts in Mission Viejo yeah um uh dipping dodging um I mean

so it's funny is last night at um at Shane's show at the Hollywood Bowl which was so wild man like you're at such a good place and but you know it's funny being on the show

like I could in one hand say I couldn't can you believe this and the whole time I'm like dude I'm no Stradamus I saw this coming because it's like pretty simple formula yeah passion and talent

and just intentionality towards that over time yeah which I think is a thing that you and I share exactly the same thing which is what's funny is last night was the first night I had met Christian

McCaffrey in person right yeah like uh social media or whatever and he's good friends with Shane yeah obviously he's a 49er fan you know you're like he oh he's more attractive in person I go well hell well I actually put my glasses down and I went oh yeah yeah and there are transition lens lenses you just came in so it's like but which he's a Colorado legend but what's crazy is his brother you work with his brother uh-huh max McCaffrey Max McCaffrey You've known the McAfreys since you were a ball boy. Yes.

Since we were 13. Yeah. 13 to 16. Yeah. You were there, 90, you're there, 96 through 99? Yeah. Shout out. Those Super Bowl?

Shout out post avalanche and Coorsfield, Denver. Yes. Time period. You were post. You know, right in that little pocket. Coorsfield's brand new. Yeah, we, I mean. We were smart enough kids that we knew Y2K was fraudulent.

Absolutely. I remember what we were both at the same New Year's Eve party in 1999. We're at Ann Marie. Might have to block that. Yeah. But that was in Piney Creek and we were all at the same party. And everyone was like, we all knew Y2K wasn't going to happen. Yeah.

I remember that. I remember exactly where we were. And I was like outback smoking cigarette. Ooh. Okay. Mad Dog 2020s. A lot of it. I'll even, I'll see your mad dog 2020.

and I'll raise you drinking Puckers with Dennis. You guys used to drink you guys used to drink No, because it was That was at the age that was like You needed a sweeten alcohol Well, and just to have alcohol

superseded whether or not That was a legit drink for a dude to have Yes. It was like, if it had booze in it No one gave shit. You're like damn, you're drinking alcohol. Also, it was probably a sign of things to come that I enjoyed whiskey at 16.

I was like, hey, this is pretty rad. What's this? No. I would, I, well,

we'd keel over and think it was like devil's blood. Yeah. You were like, I remember Yeagermeister. I got really in the regular, but what was crazy was, uh,

meeting Christian, we talked about so much Colorado, high school football stuff. Yeah. That was crazy. And he was like, where did you and Mike go to middle school? And I was like,

Laredo and he's like all my friends went to Laredo and you're like it is that was a very fun middle school because it was like all these neighborhoods around yeah all these different kids that went to that middle school and it's like fun to be like dude that's crazy we were there 20 years before christmas no it was it didn't go there well because it was right on the line of like a 20 year distinction yeah of suburban sprawl yes so then it was like super modest middle class yeah And then, shout out, and then like, um,

uh, mumsies. Yeah. And are just some, or gated community, Shannon Doa. You were like right by where there was like a gated community where you're like, oh, you have to talk to a guy to go to your house versus like,

yeah, my house, which was just in the, it was just out there. Yeah. And these, these people and these homes that they go to country clubs. You're like,

yeah, that was fucking wild. And that's, and that's, but it was so such a, unique melting pot. That's what was, you know, it was, there was a lot of. We knew kids that were poor and then there was like Denver Broncos players that lived

like Neil Smith. Right. Remember how close you lived to you? Yeah. You know what it does? That's a formula to have a lot of white people listen to rap. Yes. Who now probably don't.

Who now are grown up and don't. It was like, but also, I also think you're looking at the late 90s. where I think hip hop and rap was in the suburbs like everywhere because of the MTV. Yes. Because of how music got places. Yeah. People were getting like,

it doesn't happen like that now. Now it's pockets. You have like people that like shit and sometimes it'll cross over. There it was like, if we're at the Taco Bell parking lot waiting to find out where a party is, people are listening to similar music. Why didn't we get arrested? That is ordering.

And it was for long periods of time. But what's crazy is, and you're in East Coast, you're Queens. When you're in high school, did you go to just parking lots and wait to find out where parties is? That's everywhere. Yeah. It's like, Katie did it in Massachusetts. And it's like, we were doing it in Aurora. You're just like sitting there being like, who's got the house party?

That only happens with a ratio. That's white privilege screaming. Oh, my God. Yeah. Like, why are a bunch of white kids? We're out. And no. And we're not nervous.

and at all. At all. Just a little too comfortable. Well, then what, I mean, thanks to my mom, my senior year, pretty much we could just go to my house if we needed it to. Do you remember when Joey Owens threw up in the back of your Mustang? Yes, I did not like that. So Mike got a sweet car. Oh, I think I lost it, didn't I?

Yeah. It was, by the way, in front of my house. It was in front of my house. So we used to like. Embarrassing overreaction there. So we used to, by the way, I know. Owens is watching this because I still text him all the time and I know he's loving it. He, our buddy Joey, used to go nuts.

And I remember exactly what, who he was wearing? He was wearing a black Mark Echo with the red rhino on it. And he was in the backseat. You had a two-seat-you-old-seat. Two-door four-seat. Two-door four-seat. Yeah, come on. Sorry.

No, but he didn't acknowledge the back seats because he was all-needs at that point. I couldn't do it. I could not get that backseat, but I remember. And he has, he has, if I, you have terrible, like, uh, um, flexibility in your hips. Guess, guess who's been stretching his hips for about 20 years? Every morning. Really? Dude, I really, I genuinely.

Do you have a song? I go, here go my hips. No, I know. I'm stretching my hips. Who? But I've legitimately started stretching my hips. It's important, bro. Yeah, dude, I need you do.

I'm a little bit lanky. But we were, so we always used to chill in my garage and smoke weed, cigarettes, drink, or whatever. My mom was fine with it as long as we were in drinking or she wasn't there. I didn't really smoke cigarettes ever. Ever. I didn't. That was my job. No, that I'm saying, really.

You didn't. You hated it. Yeah. I get headaches. When I was in seventh grade and I tried it, you were like, dude, I'm good. You tried it like once and you're like, fuck this. Oh. Try it.

And I was like, this is my whole personality. I just always have packs of cigarettes. Hey, small business owners, if you're not using Square, what are you doing? Listen, if you have a small business and you don't have a big corporate overload helping you out, you know, those are the only reasons to be associated with a corporate overlord overlord is to get the tools that you would need to run a small business. But Square, it's perfect for small businesses. It's behind the scenes of so many businesses you already love.

Square gives them one connected system to take payments, manage inventory, run payroll, send invoices, and track it all from one place. This isn't just a point of sale. Square includes hardware that works in person and on the go, software for managing staff, marketing, and customer insights, and banking tools like Square checking to get paid instantly. If you're starting a business or running one that deserves better tools, Square helps you sell, manage and grow without slowing down. Right now, you can get $200 off Square hardware at Square.com slash go slash soda. That's SQU-A-R-E dot com slash geo slash soda. Run your business smarter with Square. Get started today. Here's another great friend thing you would do.

You would go with me to Circle K while I would wait on the side and ask dudes to buy me cigarettes. Do you remember that? Yes. I would sit with $3. Cigarettes. Why was there a play that I was the disarming guy to ask? Oh, no.

That was booze. No, but I had the fuck it. Yeah. You had the fuck it thing. After the phone call, you were really on your fucket shit. Yeah. And you were like, dude. And these like legitimately be like a guy like me now walking in a circle K

and these two fucking kids would come around the corner of go. Hey, mister, can you buy a cigarette? and whenever they were like, no, we were like, fuck you. We were like mean about it. We weren't like, I'm so sorry, I'm embarrassed. I was 4.10 in seventh grade and 5'3, but I think freshman year. Yeah. So like.

Five six freshman year. No, and I was like made me be better friends with girls and people and develop a personality because I was, yeah, I was behind the ape all at that time. Yeah, but you came into your own in high school. Middle school, we were both goofy as fuck. We were also, like, I was just trying to be there. I was just trying, I was almost annoying. I was just like trying to be funny all the time.

But Mike was being very funny in a smart way, which I was just out here goofballing. Goofballing. Well, no, you know, you had more tricks. You always had more, like you have voice. The voices. voice manipulation. Voice manipulation is like a one way to call it.

Like manipulate your voice like a true fraud. No, but which which can, I mean that that's a way more effective and useful. Well, that's for prank phone calling because you know when that came into. Well, it's also for like calming your mom down because you go to your go to, which at the time you'd always have something that would make her laugh. Yeah. But then you remember.

And you had, yeah, you were. But when we would go to football camp together, I'd always prank phone call. Yeah. A CU football? Yeah. CSU 7 on 7 camp. Yeah. When we would like, dude, I was telling someone this story.

Do you remember in high school where we went up to Carney for the football camp? And then on the way back, the bus air conditioning broke? Do you remember that? Yes. And we were all like. Yes. But then do you remember that I bought novelty porn mags? with Jason Garcia and Jaime Garcia.

Right. I bought a three. Which is the only time that you kind of like fully committed to that sect of crew. Yeah, shout out. Was for like, Garcia's. It was for like porn mag. No,

I thought it was, we were in the, we stopped. Purchase. We were traveling back from Nebraska. We stopped at like a truck stop and everyone was supposed to pee and stuff. And I was like, how funny would it be if I bought?

And I remember what it was. It was chubbers. It was a three-pack. It was like a chubber. It was called chubbers. It was like elderly, monthly. It was like three really gross magazines that clearly were like sick mother fuck. And we were like, we thought it was funny in the truck stop.

And I had a fake ID at this point so I could buy cigarettes. And I bought it. By the way, my ID, it was clearly fake. But I bought the porn mags. Yeah. We were walking out to like show everybody. We got one on the bum. And then we got busted.

And coach was like, who fucking bought this? And everyone was like, it was, I made Garcia or Soter. And I was like, it was me. It was me. And we all got taken off the bus and yelled at. And then we rode back. But someone kept chubbers. And I remember like you and one other person looking at it and laughing so hard that you were like, why did you buy this?

And I was like, I don't know, I thought it was the funniest one to buy. I remember getting fucking screamed at it. No, but it was in. It was for the joke, though. It was all for the joke. And it was the funniest thing to buy at that moment. And it hit. It hit.

It hit. We needed it. There's no AC. It was humid. We were all going crazy. We were coming back from a tackle football summer camp. Which, by the way, was not allowed in our state. We had to go to a different state.

Twice. Twice. They were like, hey, you can't tackle until August. And our coaches. We don't fool them. Our coach was like, found a loophole. Early July. We're going up to Nebraska

And then we just drove up To this fucking football camp And it went full contact In the middle of the summer Dude I remember that Yeah that was like I remember that bus Breaking down and watching

It was like Lord of the Flies We all went fucking crazy Because we were like It was just a bus In the middle of summer I remember when you ate that dude's ear What? You just ate it

Just ate it? Yeah because we were going crazy Oh yeah I just went full crazy Lord of the flies And killed the kid Yeah That'd be funny

If that's what they clip From the podcast And they go, did Dan Soder murder another boy in high school? Another? You killing boys, bro? Did you just give up that you're killing fucking boys, dude? Yeah, dude. I love that you.

I love that. I'm going to see you more living in Los Angeles. Yeah. This is great. This was like, it was very fun to go to your house and see you be relaxed. Yeah, it's a, um, it's such a cool. Like I said, you have 12 months out of the year. You can be outside.

So for my five-year-old daughter, I mean, you want to talk about endless entertainment is access to the beach. But then... Riding the beach. I'm going to tell you, it was like there was this surreal moment where we're riding to 7-Eleven to get slurpees because his daughter loves slurpees because she rules and she's got good taste. She does. And so he went to 7-Eleven to get a slurpee. It was right when I got off the plane. We're just riding.

I'm sweating. I'm just like this. I got pretty embarrassed pretty fast. No, no, because he's being kind to me. Dude got off the plane. I'm like, yo, it just timed up weird, so we're kind of waiting around. So I'm like, we got to go get the slurpy. You know, I got to stay on the front end of the idea and the excitement of the idea with my daughter.

And not enter into. So he gets to the house. I'm like, yo, can we go get a slurpee? but just ride little ways and I'm on an e-bike so he's not chilling he's just like he is not I'm on a mountain mountain and I got a

gas in uphill I got him gasing up hill sweating rolling this pan up I haven't done this move yeah yeah stand up dude I did that but in this by the way I still got it I still got that move oh yeah yeah no he he he

he hadn't lost it but my legs we're going up a hill my legs were like no and then so this is just real ego shit when you gas out and a five-year-old is looking at you like your daughter's on the back of the e-bike like what happened to him and i was just like sweating and i just created a song to make it cool that i was walking my bike and it worked it worked it worked and just like in seventh grade those are the things that i appreciate most that was it was a great trick because she was chanting that for the whole way. She was chanting it when she had to.

I was like, I get off and I walk my bike. And I was like, what is it? She goes, walk my bike. We were jamming, it was great.

You were hiding in place tight, but it was really funny to like be chilling to having a slurpy outside of 7-Eleven shit we used to do in middle school and be like, damn, and your wife and daughter are with us. It was just really cool.

It was just like a moment where you're like, I hope more people get that. To have people in their lives long enough that you get to kind of live a similar experience, but as an adult now, and where you go like, like your wife took a picture of me riding a bike and sent it to my Katie.

And she was like, you look goofy as hell. She's like, you're so cute, but you look goofy as hell. I was like, I felt goofy as hell. I haven't rid of bike in forever. My knees are out to the side. I look like a fucking dickhead. But the time of my life. the time of my life.

Also, the most middle school shit in the world that you don't think about is sweating in jeans. Right. You used to be so cool just sweating in jeans and now as an adult you're like, oh, I got to go home and change. I got to put on my athletic gear. Yeah, you're usually not surprised.

You get the surprise sweats and jeans. Yeah. And I didn't sweat and jeans in a fucking long time. Except for volleyball. Yeah. And that's only when I'm playing with the boys. The, um... Playing with the boys.

No, it was cool. And I think it was. it's equally, you're recognizing, you know, it was, what was wild is the whole living circumstance and all the things that offered family was like equal as awesome to a whole, the whole other component of like the being able to coach and affect players and the opportunity with, uh, in in LA with the chargers like Harbaugh is the coolest dude ever. Dude, but what's crazy is,

do you remember the old magnets you used to have in your room that were the NFL standings? Yeah. And you would like change them all the time. Yep. Like people don't understand, like when you're talking about you when you're at the Hollywood Bowl and you're like, oh, I saw this.

Dude, I remember you when we were in like seventh or eighth grade. This is what I was telling Christian McCaffrey, that when you used to work for the Broncos, you would get media guides. Remember that? You always had to stack of media guides in your closet. And this dude would just read the media guide.

Oh, so I just never. But you don't understand the depth of knowledge of what that is. You're looking at like not only past attempts and completions. You're looking at like third down on like a certain season. Like all this stuff that you used to just go through. And I remember sitting there watching Jim Harbaugh on the Colts after the Bears when he got, when he was captain come back for the Colts. And we're just sitting.

there watching it in your living room downstairs with Gary's subwulfer that he was very proud of. Super proud. He was super proud of a subwoofer. He would always be like, that's a subwifur. And he'd be like, all right, Gary. Because he had his stepdad's name was Gary. Everyone was named Gary in the 50.

No, so when we, once we got to two Gary's, we were like, dude, you know what? Let's just cut this rat race and marry a Katie. Let's both marry kids. It's crazy. I didn't even think of that. We were both married Katie's. That is crazy. You never,

and by the way, your wife says this all the time. Never met a Katie I didn't like. I mean, two, one name abbreviated in two letters. Come on. Come on.

K.T. Easy to spell. But dude, I remember like, but I remember like watching those games. I remember the thing I always remember is because I slept at your house pretty much every weekend

of eighth grade and ninth grade. And I remember you had a TV in your room, huge. You had a bathroom in your room, crazier. And I remember, like, we'd watch SNL late at night on Saturdays, and then we'd wake up and watch NFL prime time with Berman and Tom Jackson at like 8 a.m. Colorado time. Because games started at 10 a.m. Quite literally, we are 42 and 3-year-olds.

Yeah, 43. That have the same interests as we did. Yeah. In seventh grade. Yeah. You go some comedy and then you wake up and... And then go do football. Yeah.

It's exactly what happened last night. You're at the show. Then you wake up this morning, go to practice. Yeah. And it was crazy because that's why I love... Obviously, Jim Harbaugh, to me as a 49er fan, I'm super into Harbaugh when he took over the Niners and I loved the khakis and everything about it.

Get us to a Super Bowl. he goes to Michigan, comes back, and then now you're coaching for him. And I love what I was just like, dude, is he the man? You're like,

he's the man. Well, yeah. And it's also like, you want to always feel like you're progressing and getting better and you realize as you go,

you're as good as those who you surround yourself with. Yeah. And, uh, you know, check coach Harbaugh's when lost record. It's crazy.

Look, at Stanford. Oh, you know what? I'll go all the way back. Staying on business. San Diego State, like,

San Diego State into Stanford, into the Niners, into Michigan, into the Chargers. Yeah, and it's cool to, you know, one thing that is super obvious

is he's very adept at identifying, you know, the components, players, and coaches to create a team. Yeah. But he's also just like

flexed to, to me, of sheer and utter complete security to himself and so much genuine authentic on any any he is who he is that's why people are like yeah like I remember that interview he did where he was like talking about uh he'd just go pitch against the wall or whatever and I was like dude I love that I also like a guy that doesn't shy away from saying

he drinks milk right milk is the best yes milk rules and like by with by percentage by percentage he's falling on the sword because there's like so there's too much much milk in the game. Sure. There's too many people drinking the amount of milk at the, as much as he likes it. Why is he the only one? Why is, exactly. You know what's funny is when I used to be on the bonfire, Jay would always make

fun of me because I used to go over to his house in Queens. Yeah. And his ex-wife would cook dinner and I'd be like, oh, can I get a glass of milk? Yeah. I was climbing you for the cold glass of milk back in 95, bro. I promise you. I've been about that life. But you know who was the first one?

But he assessed like I like it more than I give a shit about taking the shit so I'll just ride the shit out. Dude, I'm drinking this milk. I fucking love milk. The first person, and I swear to God, the first person that stood up and pushed back about it was Shane. We had Shane on the bonfire and Big Jay was like, Shane. Liner loves milk. And then I remember, you could find it. Shane goes, milk rules, dude.

And you watch Jay go, you know, like it. And Shane was like, very shame. Like milk rules, dude. You don't understand milk rules. And it does. I fucking love milk. Now, he loves milk enough to know all the things. That's why me at Harbaugh, dude.

No, but you know, you're an expert enough to know all the things not to do after drinking milk. Yeah. You don't run. The hard way. God, you don't run. No. Lay down if you must. Yeah.

You don't do the worm. Don't do the worm or that's going to come out. Yeah, there really is stuff. And what you can and cannot mix it with. Honestly, Thai food I would not mix milk with. Really? or Chinese food. Ah.

But Italian food often poo-pooed. And you will poo-poo. Yeah. Italian food, you can get away with it. Yeah. I like a lasagna with a glass of milk. I'll see you in the comment section. And, you know, I don't know.

You fucking catch me outside, dude. I love milk. Yeah. I love it so much. And honestly, if I ever do get to meet the great Jim Harbaugh, I will bring up milk. You will. He'll be excited to meet you.

And I'll go 2% or bust. I'll go, hole. I'll go hole all day. I won't go raw or skim, but I don't go 2% or hole. That's a bone structure that's whole all day. Dude, like Wolverine fucking green, bro. I am anamanium. Man. Do you remember when I broke my shoulder freshman year of football? I do.

And then got on percissette. And then I remember you in a sling being kind of fussy. Yeah, dude, I was a little bitchy. Because I used to, I used to, well, also. I was working my way through a percassette addiction. Right. Because they gave me all these percocets and I was like, oh. No.

No. Key, pre-awareness. Like, so like they were just like, whatever. Dude, they were like, oh, hey. Also, we didn't really know this at the time in the late 90s, but you can basically map out if both sides of your family have an addiction problem. But we didn't know anybody that had, but we didn't know anybody that had percocet, nor did we ever have it.

So when you took it, I remember you going. like, dude. These are awesome. Yeah, it was for real. I can't like spurny. And dude, I remember I'd do a thing where like, I broke my shoulder and I was like, and they were like, Coach Barker was like, all right, so you're going to come to practice every day?

And I was like, for sure. And I'd like show up a practice and stuff in my sling. And then it just slowly as the perks, as I kept munching perks, I'd be like, ooh, you know, Ryan's house. is pretty close. And I could smoke cigarettes there on perks. And that's better than watching practice. And then if I give him a perk, he'll give me a pack of cigarettes.

And it was. And then, so that's when I got fussy. Was when I stopped the perk of sacks. Because I also ran out. We didn't know that was withdrawals. Yes. We didn't know that was the thing called withdrawals. But also it sucked because like I couldn't use my arm for like four months of the

school year. And it was freshman year. Everyone was fingering. Yeah. Except me. That's the only reason you weren't. Yeah, there's a lot more reasons. I couldn't get girls.

No, but it gave us an opportunity to develop personality. We really had to stand out for people to acknowledge our existence. So something that I've honestly set out loud for the first time talking to Christian yesterday, which never crossed my mind because I love all our friends we graduated high school with and I love everything. We really missed an opportunity to move to Grandview and be the first graduating class. Because if you think about it now as adults, we could have taken our whole crew of friends

and gone over there and been the first seniors at that high school. Because I think about when we were in high school, so another high school opened, a new high school opened, when we were sophomores, and they were like, oh, you guys can transfer to this high school, which is like a little farther away. Yeah.

But it was brand new. It was like all hot girl. But we were kind of leaning into like, you know, we're not just your everyday suburban. We've got a little edge to us. True. We did like the little grime. Yeah. We did like the grime.

We did like a little bit of the, we didn't. But out loud I was kind of like, damn, we really did try to go to all their parties. No, I mean. Just on the weekends, we'd be like, is there a party going on over there? They're like, leave us alone, you fucking dirt bags. I mean, in hindsight, as an adult, if we. were motivated from an educational, you know, standpoint. It's probably the best move, too.

Yeah. You know, the most resources and newer, newer resources and also probably, I mean, I don't know, our high school had international baccalaureate. Yeah, it did. I took a class senior year. We had a bunch of people that, I mean, that's a weird deal. Yeah, because there were like foreign exchange students. Yeah.

We had a giant high school. Our high school was like... Graduated 700 or something. Yeah, 779 kids were in our graduating class. Yeah. And it was like... Our freshman and sophomore year our high school was over 3,000 kids,

which is like fucking big. Well, it's hitting numbers. Dude, I remember walking to freshman football with you before I broke my shoulder. So I knew something. And I was 5'3. You were 5.3. I was...

I want to say I was like 5'10. You were? I was about 5'10. skinny as a rail. But do you remember walking the... Neck roll, baby. Had to make it look like I was bigger. Do you remember walking the two a days freshman year?

As it was, it just looked like you were shrugging all the time. But I remember walking the two days with you on the first day of hitting being like on that path that we were talking about. That was not, it's not cool. We were walking to be on the front side of puberty in the post-pubal. in game. I couldn't say that better myself. Freshman football and there's other men that'll agree with you that were on the wrong side of it like we were.

If you're not one of these guys that hits puberty until you're 15 or 16, freshman football is a fucking nightmare because there's guys like Garrape who showed up a man freshman year. He's still one of my best friends. He just fast-tracked. you know yeah like uh do you remember we're showing up though and he was doing yeah he was reping 225 yeah and we were like what the fuck is this we and mike looked like little boys and we were like what it i we had long hair we had bob cuts that were like long hair we were like

what is this and garipa's like ah just fucking rack in 225 just dude i remember but kurt dully who by the way I had lunch with. He lives in Indianapolis. Yeah? He says, what's up? What's up?

What's up? Kurt Dooley? Man. He was another guy that was like a full grown dude. Right. Like freshman year.

He had like veins in his arms. He had like biceps with veins in him. And Mike and I were straight up little boys. Yep. And we walked. I spent the night at his house during two a days where you do two football practices in a day. And like on the third day of the third day.

two a day's full contact we were doing hitting drills and i remember mike and i walking from your house which was walking distance of the high school it was a stressful situation it was like dude i remember how it smelled the dew it was like early in the morning and i remember expressing the fear i had to mike as we're walking to school where i was like we're going to get fucking killed. We had to go against Marcus Sias and like Kurt Dooley and fucking Dan who were like all men and we're like

fuck and I remember that I remember being frozen with that fear of being like fuck and then it sucked I tried to call out capstick that was a bad move I went for his ankles and then Garrape knocked the shit out of me

no I um we were surviving it for better times yeah we were It really was. The opportunity to develop personality. That is exact. You know what's funny? It was a gigantic opportunity.

I know. You're going to earn everything. You are. Yeah. I would absolutely agree that that was the common thread for us from seventh grade. Oh, yeah. To late junior year. Yeah.

And so. Like late junior year? And so at that point in your life, that amount of time is such a substantial portion of your existence. Exactly. It is. It feels like it's never going to end. It's the end all.

Yeah. We literally got the opportunity to find out who we were or what our personalities were in a situation. And I think that's what a lot of teenagers go through, but I feel like sometimes teenagers don't have, I think what's the importance is, is like our friendship was never about, like, provide, it wasn't about being cool. It was just like, oh, we're both kind of, we're in. that situation.

Yeah. And it was comfortable. No, we really liked being around each other. Yeah. And we really liked funny stuff. Being goofy. And like, and then we had like circumstance. Yeah.

And we had to do something with our time. So not all of it positive? But we actually, you probably don't. you know, I guess succeed going through the city of New York. Sure. Had you not been combing the streets of Aurora. A town. A town down.

Yeah, dude. And I really do think there was like, you know, I think a lot of it. Because we had to like not really get in trouble. Sure. We had to not get captured. Not get captured? Yep. Not change for the worst, not sour.

There was always this like. There was always this like undying positivity in the face of shit, in like, of like bad shit happening. There was this kind of like goofiness that this like foolishness that carried us through. Yeah. Because I remember you were fucking really good at football. You were just undersized. Yeah.

It was just not like. I got to like my height of five nine at my junior year. Yeah, junior year. But then what was impressive about you is you're just like pure commitment to the game of football of like learning every step of the way, whether it be Spartan football, AYL. You know what I mean? Then you move on to Smokey Hill. But then you're also ballboying and you're like watching all this crazy shit happen with the Broncos. They win their two Super Bowls while you're a fucking ball boy.

because of my ball distribution. All about ball. Correlation causation. Dude. You tell me. Am I misremembering? I've told this story before, but I don't want to misremember it. It's a story you told me about when you were ball-boying.

John Elway's last game at Mile High Stadium, 1998 AFC championship game against the Jets. You were ball-boying, and you told me the Mr. Pibb story. about when Elway chugged a Mr. Pib at halftime. Yeah. And I always thought that was the coolest shit in the world. No. It's like when you're friends with a ballboy of the Denver Broncos,

even if you're not a Broncos fan, I was a little bit of the Irish fan. He would tell me John Elway's stories that you're like, that's the coolest shit in the world. No, it was, I was like, um, after the final Super Bowl against Atlanta, when he,

like, the night of the game or, he finished the night he was at some table talking to some people that i was too young to know but i was like um in the rafters basically sure just watching him watch on a big screen his final you know his final game on the field yeah so yeah he i mean yeah pretty much um kind of like you've committed to your passion of comedy i've committed a vast moment of majority of my life to the game of football. I mean, dude, it's been since, you know, it's crazy is like, I remember starting stand-up

in Tucson in 2004, right? And then we both graduate college in 2005. Chad moves down to Tucson and Chad and I are living there because he was punting still after UNC. Yeah. He was like, wanted to stay in a warm place where he could like practice kicks. And I remember you got, you were interning with the Broncos, the 05 season. Yep.

That was the season they lost to the Steelers in the AFC championship game. And then Kubiak brought you to Houston. And it was like, we're off and running. Like I'm emceeing at laughs in Tucson. And then you're calling us on, I remember being in Chad's truck, that big, great truck he had. And you were like, do you want to know who we're going to draft? And it was the Reggie Bush, Vince Young, Matt Liner, year, Jay Cutler. And I was like, who are you taking?

And you were like, we're going to take a defensive end. We're taking Mario Williams. And we were, I remember Chad and I were in the truck. Yeah. We were like, who the fuck? And you were like, it was just crazy to watch your coach brain then. Because you go, well, we're in the AFC South with Peyton Manning. So you need pressure on Peyton Manning.

That's what Kubiak believes. And I was like, fuck yeah. And now it's crazy is Kubiak's kids are coaching against you. You know, like you're going to play Kubiak's son twice this season. Yeah. I have like a direct strong relationship with every offensive play caller west of Arizona. That's crazy. Vegas?

It's just fucking crazy to me. Because to me, it's like football to us is going to the Rick New Heisle camp in 1995. And we're excited we get to meet Rashan Salam, RIP. Or Michael Westbrook, who like comes and plays 7 v. 7 with all the cameras. So I was doing, this is crazy, but I was doing press for something, for like a show in Houston, right? And I get on this morning talk show and I'm talking to one of the guys and he's former Houston Texan linebacker Ted Johnson who played for the Patriots. And I was like, you went to see you.

I'm on the phone. I'm like doing the interview. And he goes, I did go to see you. And I was like, you were a coach at Rick Newheisle's football camp. And he was like, yeah, we had to be coaches. Yeah. We were like on the team. You don't remember me?

You didn't pay attention to me. That's what I said. I go, I go, dude, I was one of your linebackers. Yeah. And he was like, no, you weren't. And I was like, yeah, dude, you were our linebacker coach at that camp. And I go, do you know who else was at that camp? And it was right when you took Miami job.

I go head coached Miami Dolphins, Mike McDaniel. And to me, that's what's crazy. It's like we're just at a football camp stealing Oreos from the lunch place to take back to the dorm. Yeah. That's like all we were concerned. We knew how to scavenge. We knew how to scavenge. And again, kids, what's the lesson?

Don't get caught. It would always not get caught. Don't get caught. But we would. But it's like, to me, that's always, to me, that's like what football is for us. It's like this summer camp where it's fun as hell. We're staying in Boulder for four days. And then we go back home to fucking the birds.

Well, I went to your work yesterday. Yeah. And what was that for me? It was probably the garage. I mean, to watch. But it goes back to the garage of just getting like. But it's also means like I appreciate and I remember all like not only your performances, but then your self-critique of your performances over a long period of time.

Yeah. And I know that you're working at it. And to see the, you know, what you'd expect in terms of results from how much you've put in and watch it come to life. It's like, you know, every time you're always improving in some way, shape, or form to, like, give, to, to be with the audience and make it like the garage. Exactly. Because like... It's always when it comes back to you. Just the thing that you're the most...

Thousands of people at the same time. Yeah. You know? But it really comes back to like that moment where you're like, oh, this is just what it is. It's just a heightened version of this thing. It's just a social orgy.

Yeah. Right? And you got to be a generous lover, bro. Yeah, brother. It's a key party. Yeah. And everyone's invited. But you got a lot of work to do.

You're really doing all the work. You got to do all the work. But you know what was really fun last night was, you know, shout out to Shane for having us at, you know, me on the show. And he's the best. But it was really cool. And what I loved watching your coach brain watch was watching him run his Kevin Hart roast jokes. Because like almost running them like a play. And you were loving them.

But the coolest part was Mike Lawrence, who's one of the writers for Shane, was backstage with us. And I've known Mike for 20 years. And I got to tell, I got to introduce McDaniels. Daniel to my brain was leaking. Yeah. But I was like, what is? But I was like,

that's the guy that wrote the joke. Well, well, then to watch him go like. Then I'm watching him do his art and he's like, no, I'm going to, I'm really going to make sure these jokes crush. Because I'm going to do them and pay a lot of attention. Yeah.

And like all the nuances to the art of stand-up comedy. Yeah, watching Mike. Yeah. Yeah, watching Mike Lawrence, like, watch the jokes that he wrote and him, like, telling me how Shane made it better or, like, what he did to the joke to like, but that was very fun to have you, because, you know, you and Nick were back there and I was like, oh, you got to, but you got to listen to this. And that's why I was telling Mike Lawrence, I was like, hey, this is my buddy, you know, this is like one of my, I didn't tell you what you do, but I was just like, he's fascinated with joke writing. And Mike Lawrence was like, I'll tell you about my joke, you know, like, this joke and this. And it was, it was fucking, and just in my life, it was cool.

to put you and Mike Lawrence together and go like, hey, this guy is a fucking world-class play caller and designs plays in this guy is one of the best joke writers in the game. So it's like fun to introduce you to a person that doesn't do the same thing you do, but there are parallels in what you do. Yeah, they're both autistic on a certain level. Have to be. Have to be. Have to be.

Have to be to call. What are you willing to do for success? Give up social grace. Taste of tis, you know? Taste of the tis to get to the top. Taste the tis to get to the top and don't get caught. Dude, I told my mom I was doing the podcast and I was like, I don't know if I want you to watch this because I might admit stuff.

But honestly, it's just like one of the coolest moments of our lives was, and I'll never forget this, because you know, you're a coach in the NFL and you go Houston, you go, you coach in Sacramento with Dennis Green, and then you jump. and you go to Washington, then Cleveland, Atlanta. So I'm always like bouncing with you to all these teams. Dude, every single team. You have a fourth of the National Football League. Yeah.

Excess brand and team wear. Yeah, teamwork. Access. You wrote every. Every city. But then the coolest shit was you texted me and you were like, bro, I'm a 49er. When Kyle and you went from it.

Atlanta to San Francisco. I was very excited to send that text. I still have, I have a screen grab. I knew, I knew it was going to be, I knew in classic only child, you know, dreamland. Yeah. The world is revolving around me. It's happening.

But this thing that, you said be patient. And I did. You sent me patience. But back in the day when I would, when I would cry, when I would stay at your house. a time you know you're a bronco's house gary worked for the broncos you're a ball boy uh your mom was was all in on the orange and blue and your mom always used to tease me when i would stay your house because i'd wear 49er stuff yeah she'd always go you're wearing the wrong colors but in like a fun way not in like a mean way like you know you know around here we wear orange and blue and i'm in my 49er

stuff loved it whatever so mike's in the nfl you know i see your mom in other places but then i remember specifically it was the Thanksgiving game of the first season you guys were in San Francisco Jimmy G it's when Bethard gone injured you put in Jimmy G it was that game but I show up that was the first home game I got to go to with you on the staff of the 49ers and I remember I showed up and I saw your mom and she was wearing 49er stuff and the first thing she said to me is she goes I'm finally wearing the right colors and I was like callback Donna that's a hell of a callback that was like that was like a 30 year callback that she fucking nailed

and I was like let's go Niners. It was awesome and now it's bolt up. I like learning the new sayings when I go to this. When he goes to a different team I learn but I'm happy and I said this on part of my take but it's true I'm happy to be reunited with

the Harbaugh family phrase who's got it better than us nobody. I told I told Coach Harbaugh about that like within the first hour because really? It was such a memory of that I think we isn't, I think, Dan, we were still drinking at the time.

Yes, we were. And I had just done coding. And I was in Washington, D.C. Yeah. And it was just like, it was Packers. Packers, diners. That was the game where Paul and Kaepernick went off. Yeah.

For like 268 rushing and like three or under three throwing. Yeah. Set a record. Yeah. And the whole street knew that same. Because I was. And you were on the first. You were on the front end of it.

I was very drunk. And I'm going to tell you what happened also. What had happened? Because I was with a buddy of ours that went to Smokey Hill. He lived in D.C., R.I.P. Luke. He passed away. But we were drinking during the day. And this guy came into the bar and was selling NFL jerseys.

And I bought a Vernon Davis 49ers jersey. And that night at the show, I had it under my shirt. shirt in the 49ers 1 and I ripped it. I was like, who's got it? On stage, dude. Like after my act, I was like, who's got it better than us? Nobody. I was screaming that out, dude. That ruled. Most hungover train ride I've ever had in my life was after that game, after we hung out that night. Yeah. I took a train back to New York City and I was fucking really hung up. That's terrible. But now we don't drink and now we can wake up early. Yeah. And now we enjoy candy. You know what's very funny?

Yes. When I saw you at Top Golf when you were at Atlanta and you had quit drinking, I think I was maybe two years sober at that time of quitting drinking. Which crazy is what brought us back to our middle school friendship. When you quit drinking, you love candy. Yep. You just love candy. And immediately we're back to both of us being like. Same time.

Oh, you like candy? Yeah. It's fucking crazy. Have you tried this new candy? Yeah. Dude, it really became instantly like, yeah, what candy are you eating? Are you on that high chew stuff? You were the one that put me on the high juice.

Of course it did. Holy shit, I forgot. I'm sorry to all the exes I dated when I was. And by the way, Katie was the one that got me off high cheese. She's like, you eat this shit at a crazy rate. But you had them at Yale. Yeah, but have you hit the caramel I choose? Yes, the ones with the caramel in the middle.

Not just, it's caramel flavor. It's just commitment to caramel. It's like, think soft, Werther's original. Because that's what I was doing was the Werther original caramel apples. Grandpa. Which are, yeah, dude, I don't care, though. I'm sorry, I'm starting to love hard candies. I'm starting to get real into love.

And by the way, I know you're a jelly bean guy. Yeah? We could go, we could turn this into a three-hour podcast and we want to talk jelly beans. Because. Oh, what do you know about jelly beans? Brother, you just missed jelly. You just missed bean season. Beanfest?

Beanfest. Bean feast is Easter. I want a bean feast. Can we get there from, uh, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I'm going to have a bean feast. They do. Skittles does a jelly bean during Easter.

Yeah, which is, I mean. Not only do they. The kids are so lucky these days. Welch's does. Jolly Rancher jelly beans. Huh? Try them out. What?

Jolly rancher. Jelly beans. No, those are two different things. Welcome to the post. Welcome to 2026, man. We're in the future. We don't have flying cars. We got Jolly Rancher Jellybee.

That would be us coming to the future, going back, like crashing one of the sleepovers in seventh grade and being like, hey, we're old you. We're old Mike and Dan. They go, what's 2026 like? Only information given. He's an NFL coach and I'm a standard comedian. Are they flying cars?

No. But there are Jolly Rancher Jellianz. Yeah. No, I mean. Dude, Bean Feast. Quite honestly. Don't hold it against this. No one knows what the future is going to bring, dude.

Back to the future didn't even know cell phones were going to exist. What a miss. What an absolute miss. 85. Do you think someone's throwing something? And by the way, cell phones kind of were around in 85. I just don't think they thought they were going to catch on. Remember car phones?

They didn't see this coming. Your mom had a car phone in the Jeep, in the Jeep Grand Cherokee. Yep. When she worked at JC Penny. Yep. And I remember watching you make a call out of that. I was like, what is this? this science shit.

No, it's very good for calls to and from home to destination. Great. That's, but it's specific to that. No more. That's it. Yeah. But honestly, stays in the car.

If I'm rebooking how we, the only time you got caught, we should have done the voicemail from your mom's car phone. Then we would have been untouchable. Then they would have been like, this is an unreachable number. What is it? just a phone in a car. Yeah. We would have had it.

But then at that point, what boundaries would have held us? Then we would have been lost to the nothingness of a boundary of this life. Turn the page. We're seniors wearing capes and shit. Yeah. Dude, I've been waiting to have you on this podcast forever. I love you so much.

I'm honored, man. I'm honored. It's just, it's like I truly felt like some people didn't believe I was friends with you because the way that I talk about it. And they're like, I don't think this guy actually knows my video. Prove it.

Prove it. Sorry for when I get loud, when I get mad at people talking shit about you, but I'm always going to do that. And most importantly, shout out to Chad for being the third member of the trifecta, who we love, who we love your big, strong legs.

And, yeah, dude, good luck this season. He got, he educated himself kicking. For real. You got an education for kicking. a hustle. That's a hustle.

Good luck the season. Appreciate it. Can I still get that Marion Butts jersey? Yeah. Number 36. Hold the Marion.