Soder - 143: Cloud Kiss with Michael Rowland | Soder Podcast | EP 140

Episode Date: July 14, 2026

Support the sponsors to support the show!Head to Factormeals.com/soder50off and use code soder50off to get 50 percent off and free daily greens per box, with new subscription only, while supplies last until 09/27/2026. (See website for more details)https://www.factor75.com/pages/meal-delivery?version=podcast&c=soder50off&mealsize=1-8&utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=cpm&utm_campaign=podcast50off&discount_comm_id=de62f522-6b3d-4120-a218-f3a5e6df2996&utm_content=act_podcast_podcastadsTo get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to MINTMOBILE.com/SODER That’s MINTMOBILE.com/SODER Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at MINTMOBILE.com/SODER That’s it there’s no catch.https://www.mintmobile.com/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=audio&utm_campaign=mint_podcast&utm_content=soder&dnfemfkahqkdlf=soder Don’t let stigma stand in the way of support. Start therapy with BetterHelp Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com/soderhttps://www.betterhelp.com/get-started/?go=true&slug=soder&utm_source=podcast&utm_campaign=1093&utm_term=soder&promo_code=soder&landing_page_img=https%3A%2F%2Fd3ez4in977nymc.cloudfront.net%2Faffiliate_images%2Fc8f1e33eccfdd97908db536def2e7dbd2d9ae59240ff77c0f1ee89f46ed7f544.png&aff_channel=podcast&discount_rate=10&discount_period=P1M&date_interval=P1M&percentage_off=10&amount=1&amount_spelled_out=one&unit=month&gor=startSoder is building a new hour on the road!Get tickets at https://www.dansoder.com/tourJuly 16-18 Stamford,CTJuly 25 - Montreal, Canada JFLJuly 31 - August 1 - Albany,NYAugust 13-15 Baltimore,MDAugust 20-22 Spokane,WASeptember 10-12 Portland,MESeptember 17-19 Hartford,CTOctober 2-3 Alburquerque,NMOctober 4-7 Fort Collins,COOctober 19-21 Winnipeg, CanadaOctober 22-24 Calgary,CanadaNovember 5-7 Salt Lake City,UTDecember 10-12 Rochester,NYFollow Michael Rowlandhttps://www.michaelrowlandcomedy.com/https://www.instagram.com/michaelrowlando_o/?hl=enhttps://www.tiktok.com/@michaelrowlando_o?lang=enPLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow.https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572Connect with SoderTwitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoderInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoderTiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedyFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoderYoutube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy#dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcastProduced by  Mike Lavin     https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

Hey, everybody. I'm back on the road. I am back on the road. Working out a new hour. It's a long process and we're at the very beginning of it. But I am going to be at New York Comedy Club in Stanford, Connecticut. I'm going to be there July 16th through the 18th doing five shows. Greg Stone will be with me. And then just for laughs, Montreal, we added a late show to Club Soda on July 25th. It's a late show, I believe, at 9.30 now. Might be 9 o'clock. for full ticket info and where you can also get tickets to see me July 31st and August 1st at the Albany Fuddybone might be bringing sag daddy to God. It might be happening. Dan Soder.com full ticket info and all tickets available there. I'll see you on the road.

Hope you're having a good week. It's just two white guys and hats sitting on a couch. I know. I saw your hat and I was like, okay, good. I just didn't. I got to get up early for the rest. regs and I was like dude I'm not taking a shower I'm like fuck this shit I didn't I didn't what's funny about white dudes in ball caps now is we just look like ice at lunch I know also we have

to know about our teams yeah dude guys don't have to know about their teams people are coming up to me saying like like different players on the team are you not a braves guy dude I don't give a fuck I that is you know I like being from Atlanta that's what I care about I'll tell you what that is Michael Roland tell me hilarious comedian for those of you watching the podcast going so do you need to do intros michaelo rollin go watch a stand-up he's also on the show animal control joan mccall in fox yes sir um yes sir white guys with uh pointing out sports facts and hats is our autism yeah it's like where i see you and i go like david justice and if you don't immediately go one of the greatest

hitters of all time yeah yeah i go i know people have people have really gotten in my ass about it sometimes I'll lie. Sometimes I'll just go like, yeah. Yes. And that's enough. That's enough. That's the trick. Any, anytime you're wearing sports memorabilia and someone says something to you, you just go, yeah, absolutely. Have you? See, I'm like, if I see you in a hat, I'm going to try to relate. That's how I always related to men. Yeah. It was talking sports. I didn't have a dad. And I learned when my mom was dating guys. That's how I related to my dad. Yeah, yeah. My dad didn't like me. He was out of my life. So when he would call me, I better have fodder.

I better like talk to him about something. So I talked to him about the 49ers of the San Francisco Giants. It's what literally made my sports fan. This is what I do with my dad. My dad, I think does like me. We don't have any of the same interest at all. At all.

At all. Does he get comedy? Yes, but no. Like, no, his sense of humor kind of sucks. But you know what he is? He's like, I watched him give a speech at my sister's wedding and I watched my mom give a speech. My mom has good taste.

My mom was like, watching this we're watching like the daily show with you're like this is good shit yeah and then my dad would be like I heard this joke about a Chinese guy today yeah you're like I think I think that's the recipe for a comedian

is one funny parent that gets it and one parent that's just sheer drive drive and he really what when he did his wedding speech he was good he was he's his wedding speech people were coming up like your dad's great He just said a bunch of stuff.

Like he crushed. My mom on stage, awful. But a writer. Awful. But she's a writer. No. No, off stage. She's got taste.

Oh, that's it. She's got taste. But everything she said, I was like, oh, this is rough. This is tough. Mom's coming off is very unlikable right now. But she's got the taste. You know what she wants to perform. She's got taste.

My, um, no execution. My recipe was my dad was like world-class funny. Really? Yeah. And my mom is entertaining. My mom is, she's very entertaining. She can be funny. My mom can be funny.

My dad was funny. Yeah. So my dad was always funny. My dad was like, he would throw jokes that it took me 10 years after I saw him last like get it and be like, oh, that's funny. Wow. My mom can perform her ass off.

What do you mean by that? My mom is like, can like hold court at a party. She's like a presence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My mom's got a large presence. And I realized I was like, oh, that's, it's like when you see ass.

and one of their, like an NFL player and their dad played in the NBA, but then you find out their mom was like a track star. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why you have that mix. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was it. Gary was like super funny, my dad, and Trish, my mom was like very, she's very performative. She's like, she's like a dramatic and, I mean this in a positive way. Yeah. She's like got like stage presence.

Yeah. And so you're like, oh, yeah. So like, I was just in Tampa and one of my mom's friends that she used to work with like 30 years ago. at this insurance company was like, oh, you got your mom's performance, you know, and I was like, oh, yeah. And he was like, your mom's like a large present. And when you see that in your parents, you go, oh, it does. I see it on my dad, absolutely, when he's on stage.

But then my dad's, like, I remember when I was a kid, my mom was like, we're going to watch Ferris Bueller's Day off. You're going to fucking love this. And I was like watching it like, oh, my God. This guy's awesome. This guy's getting away with everything. And my dad's sit there like, this fucking kid. My dad's like that guy's like, this fucking piece of shit kid doesn't want to do his work.

Of course. Yeah, dude. Was he getting that mad though? Yeah, he's getting riled up like, why are we showing him this shit? My mom's like, shut up. Oh, you square. You fucking square. Yeah, that is, when your parents come and watch you in Atlanta, are they like, have they

ever given you notes that hurts? No, they're like, my parents are nice. They're supportive. They want me to do, my mom wants me to be. clean. My mom, the first comic she took me to see was Bill Cosby when I was 12. Whoa. Yeah. Very sweet supportive lady. She's like, we're going to see Bill Cosby.

That didn't age well. No. And she'd be like, why can't he be clean like Bill? And then everything came out about Bill Cosby. I was like, why do you just let me do my fucking thing? It's not great. Where I'm like the dirtiest version of myself on stage and then offstage, I'm like, you know. A sweet boy. Yeah, I'm not doing weird shit. That's not fucking sleeping women.

That's the craziest shit. That is the crazy shit because it really was people who are young people young people now don't understand that before Cosby got in trouble he was the prime standard of like why don't you act this way why aren't you like Bill Cosby

I'm getting goosebumps thinking about that show it was awesome he was oh my God Cosby show is the if not the greatest sitcom of all time I never watched so many episodes I was about to do the baseball thing where I was like yeah of course oh yeah I've seen like a few episodes of the show but I don't

I grew up when it was on television, when it was like, when the Cosby show came on, you were like, yo, I remember the last Cosby show. I remember they're like, this is it. Cosby show is going away and you're like, no, this is like a standard. Like it can't go. Like people were, like the last cheers. You're like, no, just can't go anywhere. Yeah. And then, gone. Hanibal fucking took him out. Took him. Off a riff. Off a fucking rip. That's how hot Hannibal was at the time. Hannibal is so famous, his riff, killed an icon. Killed the fucking icon. That couldn't be killed.

That couldn't be taken down. People knew. He's on, dude, he's on the news being like Spanish Fly. Have you seen those clips? Dude, I'll show you even better one. Big Jay showed me one from the Cosby show where he's like, oh, your barbecue sauce. And he goes, it gets you the little bit of the, I put something in it. It gives you the little bit of the, whatever he does.

He does a Cosby thing where he's like gives you the Weeble Wobles. Jay showed me that clip and I was like he's like the BTK killer He's like bragging about it in letters He's like you won't catch me Just let no one can catch me Mm hmm mm-hmm Waking up sick fuck

After a guy like Cosby To you has to be like No one's gonna believe this You know what I mean That's why it's so dastard Nobody's gonna believe you When you wake up you are not gonna believe And you're like you fucking monster

You got out of jail What a monster I don't know I really don't know. I think there was like something that they let him out. I'm amazed. This is my, I'm amazed with the human brain that there are people that still defend him

that go like, you motherfuckers, he was fine. And you're like, well, I think usually, he was released in 2021. Oh,

really? Yeah, dude, he's out. And he's got those homeless, he's got old dog guy now. Yeah. Where it's all cloudy and he's like, Puffy.

Where are they keeping him You see that photo The video Oh yeah Where he goes You know what that is though That's like You know what that reminds me of

Is when Kevin Spacey Did the video Of him in character And he's like y'all missed me Didn't you And you go Kevin No Fuck you

We don't need this right now That was like Cosby When he did that Like he was trying to be funny Because back in the day That would have gotten Yeah yeah Like 90s him doing that

everyone who would have been like, Bill, Bill. And now they're like, fucking racist. I know. Just lives in Pennsylvania. Imagine bumping into old, out of jail, Bill Cosby. Because I'll tell you right now, I wouldn't have the nuts to say shit. No, I wouldn't. I go, sir, himself is the perfect hour of stand-up comedy.

Watch that Dennis bit. Got it on VHS, baby. It is. From my mom. That was my mom, just being like grooming me, just being like, look at this. How about this? She saw, like, she put me in the comedy when I was a kid. She was like, check of this, look at this.

Have you ever talked to her about Cosby now? Oh, yeah. She's like, all right. Oh, she does? Yeah, I get to do whatever I want. She came to a show. I'm like, you know, I'm dirty. She's like, all right, as long as you're not out there like a rascal.

That's so funny. Yeah, this is fine as long as you're not. I didn't know how bad it could get for you a comedian. Yeah. Man, that's, what's so funny is back in the day when your parents found out. I'm talking about like before us, your parents had shame that you were going into the entertainment industry, that you were like a clown.

But now that all these, all this shit's coming up about comics, they go, did I raise a monster? Yeah, yeah. Did I raise a horrible kid? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because you go, no, I just wanted to be silly. Most of us are just like, now I just wanted to be silly fuck around. It's so fun. Yeah. And then to have that, though, where they go, oh, there is a much darker side.

I wasn't aware of that. Well, everybody loves that fucking narrative. I've taken, like, trips with my mom where you, like, hang out with other older people, and they're like, oh, these fucking squares. I remember this one guy. I was on like a river cruise with my mom, and a guy's like, well, after Robin Williams died,

it seems like these comedians are just often themselves left and right. Are you a little depressed? And I was like, what? I would have looked him dead in the eyes and go, I'm going to put you in my note. I'm going to name you in my note. I'm not that clever. I'm not that quick.

I was just like, no. No, we don't. No, we don't. That could have been masturbation. It's like a small percentage, honestly. And they already had like a bad disease. that he just didn't want to let progress. Yeah, I think my mom saw all the checks

and she went, uh, substance abuse problem, uh, no relationship with his father. She goes, it's probably the best place he could have been right. Yeah. She really looked at it. She was like, fuck man. You're doing great.

This or jail? You turn it into a fucking. Probably all right. Yeah, man. Thank God I was just old enough to, to miss oxy cotton. I was just old enough. For real, it, no, for real though.

Like, it really. I'm not joking when I say that. It really, So many people. I got addicted to percocets in high school. Really? Because at the time, that was the highest strength oral pain pill you could take. OxyContin's came out when I was in college and I was already an alcoholic.

Yeah, yeah. And I just did. I already got through the pill thing. Yeah, yeah. If that shit would have hit in high school, I absolutely would have done it. Are you still smoking the weeds? Yeah. Hell yeah.

Yeah, dude. I got to get, I got to get back to no booze just weed. No booze just weed for, listen. I keep going up. There's people that it doesn't work. I have friends that have quit drinking and they can't do it and I get it. If you somehow can do it, to me it's the best mixture. It is.

It's a lovely mixture. I've done it to great success. I've done like a year with no booze. Just weed, lovely life. I also got into Kratom's for a little bit. Kratum is dangerous. Kratum's a dangerous one. It'll scratch that itch if you got a little pain.

I knew people that were like Kratum and also like I never got into like Zoloft, Xanax. I'll never got into that stuff When I was in college All the hot girls would Take a piece of a Xanax bar and drink on it And then blackout Yeah and I mean It's like why

This is when I'm the most insecure When I have the least amount of money And I'm trying to get pussy And I'm like I'm shocked I never did zanny bars Shocked Why didn't you? Because I didn't like him

You didn't like how it felt? After I got over Perkissets When I was in high school I don't like pills That's kind of how I felt. I did them once. Once I got him and I did it on an airplane. I didn't drink for like a year and I was like flying somewhere and I was like,

time to start. Time to start again. And I took his annex and then I drank a couple drinks on the flight. And my brother was like, you disappeared for an hour. I was like, he was like on the flight, you were gone for an hour. And then eventually a stewardess brought you back to the seat.

Wait, you were gone. I thought you were gone. No. You just got up. I got up. And I have no memory of it. I have no memory of it.

I think I would, maybe I went to the bathroom. Maybe you sat down in a different seat. Yeah, maybe. You go, hey, this middle seat's open. We don't know.

All I know is the store just brought me back to my seat after an hour and my ID and my credit cards were gone. We're gone. We're gone. Damn, dude, someone has your driver's license. Yeah, dude. I met this guy and he insisted. I take his driver's license.

Just kept saying, take it, take it. When you quit for a year, I'm always interested about this because I sometimes, like, fantasize what it would be like to come back to booze. But when I have friends that do come back to booze, they're like,

I don't like it. Some people don't like it because you immediately don't feel control. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of, I mean, it's like, did you get hammered when you first came back?

Yeah. Yeah, you're not like, you're, the thing is you're thinking like, okay, I'm going to come back to it. I'm going to do two.

Yeah. You do three. And then you're like, you remember why you like drinking? You're like, oh yeah, we just run this out. I feel incredible.

Yeah, just keep going. Why would we stop? When I first quit drinking, I always would do this thing or I'd go. When I hit 10 years, I'm going to have one night of drinking. I'm going to come back for one night. And I was talking to Nate Bargettsey about it. And I was like, I'm going to drink on Friday.

I go, here's what I want. 10 years in, I'm going to drink. And I'll call you. I'll call Joe de Rosa. I'll call Al Jackson. I'll call all the people I used to drink with. We'll go to the creek and drink. And he's like, yeah, one night.

And I went, you know what, though? I probably should drink beers on Friday night just to get used to it for a Saturday. And Nate stops and he goes, you've already had two nights. You're like, yeah, this is why I have to quit. It's summertime. It means you're trying to lose weight. Probably trying to stay in swimsuit shape. Sometimes you're working a lot.

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Seamatmobile.com. I'll tell you this, the last season of Animal Control we did, I didn't drink for the whole season. I was like, I want to be good. I want to be focused. And then at the rat party, I was like, I'm going to do it.

And very quickly, it was like, three nights. You're just like, you wake up the next day and you're like, well, we got to. Let me get a margarita. You got to take the edge off this. I do.

still, after all this time, miss day drinking. Yeah. The idea of getting drunk during the day to me still sounds so fun. I used to like it on the road. I used to make friends with the people that work at Target because I was half in the bag. Yeah. Yeah. When I'd go to Target for like socks and I'd just be like, hey, what's your name? When you were on the road, were you, were you would, you would day drink up into the show? Like, occasionally. Yeah. If I was very hungover from what it was, it was Thursday was all his travel. Friday. maybe if I drink usually hard on Thursdays because there's one show.

Friday, if I went really hard, I would absolutely have to drink on Saturday. Shout out my friend Greg Rampage USA. It lives in Seattle. I went up there. I was doing shows in Kirkland, Washington, and I got blackout on a Friday. It was completely blacked out. And woke up, one of the worst hangovers I've ever had in my life. We were supposed to get dinner. Me and Greg, we're supposed to get dinner Saturday before the shows. I was so hung over that I had to drink three margaritas at dinner just to get even. And I remember watching him watch me be like, the fuck. And I was just like, like it was medicine.

I was like, um, um, and then after the third one, I was like, you want to do a shot? You're like starting to feel it again? A bag, baby. Yeah, because then you're drunk again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look who came back. Look is okay. But I always did feel like a rat packer when I was hammered during the day where I was like,

baby, everything's fun. I feel like that's how guys just used to. live. Dude, and at martini lunches. Yeah. That really was. Like, businessmen would go get fucking drunk at work at lunch. And they make business.

And then they sexually harassed their secretaries when they come back. They go, Deborah, you look good in that pencil skirt. Hold my meetings. Then they come in the office. I wonder if they got sloppy. No one ever talks about old people at martini lunches. I know. And they must have.

They must have. Got it. I mean, you've watched Madman. No. No? Never watched Madman. I mean,

you want to talk about. martini lunches a retrospective that's the fucking show that's the whole show that's the whole show it just went war martini lunches they go dude and it is like john ham just like at three p.m. on a couch laying down being like I'm brainstorming and then one guy pisses himself and they fire him because he couldn't handle his shit yeah that's where man if you were if you were an alcoholic in the 50s you could which they all were right but if you had the actual now that we know it's like a gene like addictive gene. Yeah.

If you had the genetics to be an alcoholic in the 50s, you were a fucking monster. My grandfather, huge out, both of them. Shout out. Shout out. Henry John Rollin the first. My boy came back from World War II. Just got after it. And he was a salesman.

His boss was a drunk. And this was back when if you were driving drunk, the police would be like, John, what are he doing? Take a nap. Take a nap, John. John, get in the back of the cruiser. I'm taking you home. I'm taking you home.

Where's the misses? You ran it up on a damn hydrant again, John. Yeah. I'm taking you home. The Henderson's are going to be mad, but I'll cool it off with them. Why don't you go take a nap? I'm going to smooth it over. Take a nap, John.

The first, I've talked about this before, but I'm fascinated about it. Adjusting to a world of DUIs. Must have been like, what the fuck, dude? When did that happen? Can you look up when DUI's? went national because my dad had so many DUIs that I did not know about until my grandma died and I cleaned her house out and I just found all this paper really yeah my dad died in 97 my grandma died in 20 23 RIP that's what my grandma did yeah and I had to clean out her house and I just found like

all of his deal a lot of paperwork I found a lot of paperwork where I was like damn I think he had at least four. Dude, my dad was telling me his dad would just like, he was just getting fucked up on the regular. It was never bad. It was never mean. They could hold it. No, I think he was like, he would come home and be like, oh, he was like, he was like black out.

He was black out. And my dad is like a very serious guy because of that. My dad is like, he was like, he was the oldest to five. Yeah, he was the oldest boy. And he was just like, I guess this is on me. Dude. I guess this is me now. Kids then knew the position.

They were like, I have to be the man of the house. Yeah, they couldn't go blog about it. It's a very serious man. Or podcasts like our bitch asses. I know. 1906.

It took a while to get to the south. See, if you could look up national, when was the, when was it federally a DUI? Because there were states that probably fought that Kentucky. Yeah.

The South is pretty late to stuff. Well, Georgia, you're from Georgia. Yeah. But Kentucky's obsessed with bourbon and whiskeys. They are. So I feel like they were the last. ones to go like we have to drink but then you're from Colorado and that feels like out west

and it feels like they're lawless don't tell us what the fuck to do it was very lawless so it's a little scrambled 80s and 2000s that's when it really came you i primarily regulated by individual states but federal involvement grew significantly in the 80s in the 2000 yeah this is why my dad had a lot of DUIs because i think i genuinely think he was coming out of the 70s being like we do whatever they want in the bay area yeah fucking doing yeah They were doing Coke. They were drinking. They were smoking fucking a wheat.

San Francisco in the 60s and 70s was fucking wild. So I can't imagine them going, you can't drive anymore. Key milestones include the 1984 National Minimum Drinking Age Act, established a 21-year-old minimum, and the 2000 passage of the 0.08 BAC national standard. That's it. That's what it was. 1984, they did that.

And in 2000, President Clinton, that kid fucking cannibal. Had to go and sign legislation requiring states to adopt. I would hate it. What a fucker. He made the three strike rule. Andy brought D.I's in. My dad was dead 97. So he, like, was getting state DUIs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wasn't getting that federal shit. It became a federal case of committed on federal land. I got to do it. State levels date back to early 1900s, 1906. You got one? I got a bad one. Did you?

Bad, bad. Can I tell you that's the one thing I got away from was no kids, no DUIs? That's beautiful. My drinking was a success. How did you get it? Oh, man. Well, it was just back in Atlanta when we were doing stand-up, this was around the time when you came down there. Probably.

Yeah. Maybe after, I don't know, before. I did, um, I did punchline and then I did Laughing Skoll with Jordan Temple. Yeah. And like 2015. Yeah. And I drove you to. do the regular guys.

96 rock. 96 rock in the morning. Yeah. So this might have been before because I wasn't driving for a while after this. But it was just so normal for us. In Atlanta,

like it was very, we were all drinking hard. And then it was like, just go home. It got very, it got too normal. And then I was at the laughing skull and I had done a show.

Which is at a biker, was that a biker bar? It's just like a bar with a bunch of biker chicks on the walls and like a giant wood, penis and it was a good bar everybody smokes inside

it was great yeah what a fun time can't get mad about that I was fucking I had already had some drinks and I went outside and there was this homeless guy that was like he had all these American flags

and he was like I was in the Navy and I was like my dad was in the Navy brother and he goes really what what part and I was like he was a CB and the guy's like I always wanted to be a CB

the naval engineers and I was like get your ass in here I'm buying you a drink and then we went into the bar and I just bought this homeless dude bunch of drinks. We were like doing shots and beer.

That's all you wants. Yeah. And then I got like a little, I felt like I hit my limit. I was like, okay, I got to go. And I left him in the bar. And I went and I drove the Taco Bell on Ponce in Atlanta.

And I get a text from the bar manager that's like, hey, you're banned from the bar. And I was like, why? It was like, you brought a homeless guy in here. You got him wasted. And now he's refusing to leave.

I left him with drink. And he was just like he got fucked up. And he refused to leave. You gave that guy, you let him into the chocolate factory, and then you just let the oompa-o-o-oos deal with them. You brought him in and you're like, that's the river of chocolate. He goes, well, I'm going to take a shit in there.

Please don't. Please don't, but I got to go home. So, and then. So you got banned from the bar? I got banned from the bar. That was the last message I see. I get all my food from Taco Bell, fall asleep. Do you remember your order?

Something big. I had big eyes, big eyes, bigger than the stomach. I always would do a gordita and a thing. Chalupa and you're like, who are you? Shit like that. And then also a burrito. I was like on that type of time. And so I don't remember this part, but apparently what happened is I went over and I parked

and I ate my shit and then I fell asleep with it on my chest. Oh, you were hammered. And a cop came up. To be fair, I pulled over. I stopped the car. Were you in a parking lot? No, I was, I pulled over on the side of the street. And a cop came and knocked on the window.

I don't remember this. He knocked on the window. And apparently what I did was I woke up and I waved at him and I drove away. No. And I drove away at a very slow speed. And he pursued me for maybe two miles, two miles. I don't remember this. He pursued me for two miles until I eventually drove over this highway and then over some lanes of traffic up onto a curb slowly.

And then hit a pole slowly. Slowly. Slowly. Just you bumped into it. Yeah. And what I remember, this is this. This is the part that's not funny to me is where I remember coming to with my foot on an accelerator and feeling a car not moving and trying to accelerate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, which if it was any, like, if it was just got his maglite on you looking at the other cop, like, what the fuck?

What the fuck of this guy? He did this. He's gone. Hey. And he begs out of the window. He goes, fucking stop. And I'm like, that's what I'm like, oh, fuck. Like, I'm like.

And so I go to jail. Nighting jail. I go to holding. Fulton County holding. My mom comes and picks me up. I cry. I cry. I was ashamed of myself.

You know, jail are holding. Not so bad. They put us all in this giant room and we watched two and a half men for like a long time. Men, men, men, men, men. We watched so much two and a half men. They're getting you ready. And I was like, I remember there were guys over to the right. There's guys over to the right.

You can see all the DUI guys, and I'm like, I'm not going to sit with the pussy DUI guys. I'm going to murder. I'm going to sit with the real guys. All the real guys are just homeless guys that they've just taken it. They go, I heard you take us in and buy us booze. As long as we say we're in the Navy. And I was between these two guys.

And one guy, they like didn't exchange over me where this guy took his sock off and he had like a little crack in between his toes. And he gave it to the guy for a baloney sandwich. Damn, what a good trade. Honestly, bologna sandwich for crack. For a little crack. You can't find that on, you can't find that trade on the outside. No, sir, you can't.

How long were you in there? Dude, like hours. You know, I eventually got it. My mom. My mom came and I was like, I was, I was very ashamed. I was very apologetic. And I was also, what, 26, 27 years old. There's nothing to punish.

She was just like, yeah, you fucked up. Damn, they took your license. No. The cop was new. Oh, this happened. had moved from Alabama and I was like, where you from, man? I was in the back and I was drunk. I remember this.

I was like, what are you from? And he goes, Alabama. And I was like, you're going to arrest me in my city? I was like that. Drunk conference. Do you who runs the ATU? Outcast and me. You go, in order.

I'll tell you who it is. That poor police officer. And then you're going to arrest me in my city? The guy went, I wouldn't mind shooting you in the chest. I'd love to shoot you in the fucking chest. What in mind eliminating you on this earth. They're fucking dickhead. You're going to arrest me in my city?

I'd be like, I hate you. Yeah. I was very hateable. Listen, obviously there's bad cops that do fucked up shit, but there's so many good cops that have to put up with asshole shit like that. All the time. You're going to arrest me in my city. He goes,

I just got shot at it in an apartment complex three hours ago. I don't want to deal with you. Fuck you. Like that ego, like drunk ego, being like, who the fuck are you? He was also nice enough. I had forgotten something like in my car, and he went back to the scene and got it

and then brought it back to the jail. I think I was nicer to him after that. Yeah, you go. We had a long ride to the station. Did you get drunk and cry? Like when my mom found out the Osco drugs was crazy. She's like, oh, you brought it back for me. I love you.

And the cops like, holy shit, you shouldn't have been driving. No, at that point, I was hardened. I was hardened by the insult. Did you get my taco bell? Thank you. I wanted my Grinita. Yo, there was a girl like that on the inside. I'll never forget, she wouldn't shut the fuck up.

I like you're talking like you did a fucking nickel. Fuck. You go, yeah, man. On the inside, shit's different. Describe you like that just that. Girls, girls crying on the inside. Shit's different than the outside. You would have get that with your clean hands.

With your clean hands, clean record. This lady wouldn't shut the fuck up, and they put her in, just like this glass box. And she just kept screaming, let me out, let me out. Dude, for hours. And everybody just had to listen to her. And everyone was like, shut the fuck up. Oh, my God.

You're pleased becoming annoyances. Oh, my God. It would be my biggest concern about jail. Insane. Yeah. The amount she was yelling. And, oh, my God. It's like when you go to a hospital or an emergency room and you realize that you can't

complain because there's people with much bigger issues. Yes. I used to go to Bellevue. it was like free if you didn't have health insurance it's crazy it's our most messed up hospital right the expression pimp just made when i said that he was like it's it's our toughest hospital yes in new yelview is wild and my buddy eli shout out to eli when we were waiting tables together i had to go see a doctor and i was like i don't have insurance i have no money and he's like go down to belview bring three of your pay stubs go to the business office they're a non-profit this was

20 years ago they're a non-profit hospital they'll give you you you a card and it will only cost you $25 to see a doctor based on your income. But you have to call for an appointment. So I called an appointment and you go in and you go like, oh shit. You're in a waiting room with people and they're looking at me like, what are you doing here? You have all your teeth. You have both your eyes. Like you would go in there and you'd be like, I can't complain. And one time I went in for an endoscopy because I was having stomach problems. And I was in this like waiting area with people that were in so much pain that I couldn't complain at all. And I had to wait for hours.

Yeah. I still couldn't complain. Yeah. I was like, oh, can you see me in the Jamaica nurse? It's like, we've been sitting in a one, hold on. And then there's just a guy next to me going, oh. Just making a noise that I was like, yeah, yeah, get to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go him. My tummy hurts. Have you watched the pit at all? No. What a fun show. That's the 24 hours in the emergency room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a whole shift in an emergency room.

It's great. I heard a rumor that they were trying to do a reboot of ER. I think that's correct. And they wouldn't sign off on it. And so they're like, all right, we'll just get that actor. We'll just do 24 with one of the guys from ER. It's a great show. But yeah, it gives you some empathy for like the wait times and like how like hard.

The doctors are working in there trying to see everybody. People are coming in. People are fucked up. And they're going to help. And you go, please. I understand help. Yeah, yeah. You're number seven.

Mm-hmm. When we get through the six in front of you for very. for very good reason, we'll get to you. We will get to you. Yeah. I don't think, I think people lost touch with that idea of, like, in the age of instant everything, in the age of like, you're the star, fucking,

this is your, you're the main character. You're not. We're in a big society that relies on other, on people, like, sometimes other people take priority and that's okay. Yeah. I think a hospital is where you go, like. I'm going to chill the fuck out. Chill a fuck out.

Let me just sit the fuck down. Maybe you got an ear infection? I understand it hurts. Chill a little. little bit. Yeah. Because then you see that real shit. I'd go to Bellevue and I'd be like, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'd be waiting for like three hours and you and I'm like, get this guy. Speaking of the language I don't know. I was like, oh, so long. I was like grab it his stomach and you're like, this guy's in so much pain. It was wild. That was like one of the

ones where I was like, man, our health insurance is sure is broken. Yeah. Our health care system really is that is one of the messages of the show. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, boy, is this system a very flawed. and fucked up. Fucked up. Very fucked up. And then all the, all the insurance guys, when that guy got shot, they went, hey, don't put our faces out there. Yeah, yeah.

Hey, yeah. That was the funniest reaction of Luigi was all the CEOs of other insurance companies going, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys, guys, this is a bad idea. Yeah. This is a really bad idea. And everyone's like, I think it's a good idea. And they go, it's not, though.

It's not. I don't know. It seems like crazy to me that we have all the technology, but you just can't see a doctor. Yeah, yeah. This show is, by BetterHelp. Better help. Guess you just came fresh from therapy,

so he's feeling real connected. No, I genuinely do love, I am coming from therapy, and I had a good session today. And I think that's what therapy is. It's like going to the gym for your brain. You get a good workout. You feel better.

And then you go for the next one. It's all about consistency. It's hard to find a therapist. Yes, but when you find a therapist, it is very rewarding. And BetterHelp has over 30,000. thousand therapists, and it's the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over six million people globally, and it gets an average rating at a 4.9 out of 5, which if you're

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This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. 41 DUIs arrest made by one Tennessee state trooper Jesus this is a guy that's not just letting you go home the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation which is just a guy it's just a guy named like lucky yeah he goes well I watch the streets for my um sober DUIs four times higher than previously reported wait sober DUIs they're giving people who are sober DUIs How?

The county threw out 41 DUI's arrest made by former Tennessee state trooper Asa Pearl between 2021 and 2024 with 22 of those cases involving drivers who are later shown not to have blood alcohol content levels above the legal limit. In 14 of the 22 cases, the drivers had some alcohol in their systems at the time of their arrest, but in at least eight cases, the drivers arrested tested negative for both drugs, and alcohol. The other 19 DUI cases were reportedly dropped for other reasons, including Pearl being unavailable for court.

Isn't that the thing they always say when you get a speeding ticket? Yeah, yeah. Go to court. The cop will never show up. Yeah, yeah. Always. If I were a cop, I would show up to everyone. I went to court for the DUI.

He showed up. He did? He was there. Also, the lawyer, the lawyer was like, if you want to, I got a lawyer because I had run from the police. I had done a lot. I was like, I should go to jail. They were like, usually a DUI,

gets knocked down to like a reckless driving you try to do that with the lawyer the lawyer's like we're going to knock this down to a DUI that's really funny that's what we're gonna talk like I can't even get you DWI nobody's you went up on a curb yeah you're lucky you're getting a DUI and he was like if you want to come to court early I had done all this stuff preemptively I'd done all this uh you know community service and all the stuff before I even went to court because the lawyer's hoping you're gonna go into the judge you can be like you're a good kid you're a good guy get out of he goes if you want to see the video you come early and I was like Like, I don't want to see the video because I, I'm very shameful person.

Even as a comic? It's going to live in my head. It's going to live in my head. I'm going to be very ashamed. And sure enough, I walk to court. I'm not too early, but I get there. And the lawyer's watching it like he's watching like an episode of jackass. He's like, oh.

Oh, I watch him. He's watching it. He's like, he can't sit still. He's moving. He like walks from one side of the courts, the other to the cop. He's like, you remember the part, Woody? Oh, my God. Oh, no.

such a fuck up and i was like watch it i was like no and then he came out and he goes i'm to be honest with you man worst de ui video i've ever seen i've seen a lot that's the worst i've ever seen and i was like oh my god was there any moment of pride in that was there any moment or you're like if you're going to fail fail spectacular you're like yeah that's right bitch you're remember me. I mean, I definitely like tell the story of him like watching it. Watching it like a black dude watches magic. Oh shit. Just like running. Yeah, just like sprinting. Half terrified. Dude, I mean, it was nuts. That's crazy. You never want your lawyer going. That's the worst one I've ever seen in my life. And he was, before that, he was comforting me. I was very ashamed when I first met with him. I was like, I can't believe it did this.

And everybody kept saying this. He said this. He said this. My dad said this. He's like, everybody gets one. man, is your one. You just hold it and he goes, now I'm about to drive to Alpharetta because the fellow I went to high school was been boning the 16 year old. So keep it all in perspective, buddy.

Oh. Yeah. And then I found out afterwards, they let me back into the bar and the manager that had banned me from that bar was like, your lawyer that you hired comes in here every lunch period

and runs. He has it to martini lunch. Every lunch. He's a fucking lush. Which means. that's how bad your video was. Is that it's not even a guy that doesn't understand alcohol culture. It's a guy that goes, holy shit.

I'm drunk right now. I didn't drink for a year after that. That was like when I was like, I'm going to take a year. What brought you back after a year? I got a girlfriend and it was stressing me out. And you just like, I need it. I was like, I would go back to this. I took a country song.

It really is like a country song where you're like, I got me a woman and she's driving me to drink. That's what it was, dude. I'm trying to think every time I slipped, it was always like an inconvenience that made me upset. Like what? Airports. Delayed flight.

I mean, if you're going to drink, it's an airport. Airport bars are out the fucking window. It doesn't matter what time it is. I said I miss day drinking. You miss airport day drinking. Yes. Flight drinking. I miss getting drunk enough that I'm willing to leave

and come back through security, just smoke a cigarette. St. Louis Airport. I was flying Chicago, St. Louis, St. Louis back to New York. This was like when I had to buy like flights with six layovers to afford them. And it was, I was coming home from Lollapalooza. I went to Lollapalooza and I was, this was like 2011, 2012. And I get to the St. Louis airport and our flight gets delayed.

And I went, I just went to the bar, started drinking. And I was like, what's your security like here? And they were like, it's not that bad. And I was like, I remember exactly which part of the parking garage I went to in the St. Louis airport, smoked like two or three cigarettes, came back through, was late. Was the last person to board the flight and came on smelling like cigarettes and whiskey. And wanted to talk to everybody. And I went like, sorry to give you guys waiting to kill. And no one was having it.

Done that. I remember there was like a flight where they're like, we had all boarded. And then they were like, hey, we're actually. not going to be able to take off for a couple hours or like an hour if you guys want to get off for a little bit i was like show enough get off crush a few whiskeys get back on right before they're about taking off like wooee dude you come in hot i ended up kissing the lady next to me in my seat consensually we had i was like i was i was i was i was drunkingly made out with a woman on all cylinders i had a charm i'd never had and and you guys made out we made out did you guys had

hang out after that? No, no. She wanted to and I was like, that was just for the, that was on the flight. That was the sky kiss. That was the sky kiss, baby. You get into a cloud kissy.

First and the only time it's ever happened. Kiss me in the clouds. Kiss me in the clouds, baby. Now leave me alone. She was like, I never do this. This dick ain't, this dick is yours on the ground, only in the sky.

Yeah, I have, uh, you don't realize how annoying you are when you get on a plane drunk. No. You think, you think everybody loves it. You think it's a sitcom.

Yeah. I'm the neighbor that gets the cheer. When I used to go visit my mom for Christmas, when I was like, you know, still waiting tables and drinking here, she, I wanted to smoke a cigarette. And the only place you could smoke a cigarette in DIA was this like bar on the second level of the terminal. And I was like, I'll go up there. I had like an hour until my flight.

I was like, I'll go up there, smoke a cigarette, get a burger. If I can go out and say, whatever. Sit down at the bar, a couple Jamison's, a couple fat tires. Turns out Raven Steelers was kicking off. I was flying home on a Sunday. So I go, fucking Ravens Steelers. I'm smoking cigarettes. I don't want to leave.

Yeah. This is everything I need. I don't look at my fucking phone. And then I'm like, oh, it's 15 minutes past boarding. Yeah. And I fucking, I get drunkenly on the plane and want to talk to everybody about Steelers Ravens. No one cares. I'm like, you guys watching this Ravens Steelers game?

And they're like, yeah. buddy get to your seat i'm like buckling in and being like flacco looks pretty good flacco looks like he and an antwin smith on a slant and you're a big man your presence you're getting on late somebody thought they had an open seat oh my god and i'm and i'm booming your big ass is burly and down and i go i'm really sorry about this

i really enjoy watching ray lewis play the position of linebacker and they're like i don't think you did what they said he did Two people. He could kill one guy, but not two. Yeah, it was, airport drinking is in your head the greatest. And for everyone else, a huge problem. Because now when I'm traveling and I see people black out in an airport, I'm like, oh, brother, I get it.

Stay the fuck away from me. Don't bring that shit over here. But I do get jealous. When I see a two-thirds empty beer at a bar at an airport, you make the best of friends. You made out with a girl. I made out with a girl. That is crazy.

It is crazy. It only happened to, one time. I've never talked about it. I'm kind of, I feel like I'm bragging. You know, what's funny is sometimes, you know, I don't know about you, but self-admittedly, I don't think I ever had a lot of game. And I remember I went to Florida with my friends and I got blacked out at the pool and I ended up going on a date with one of the waitresses that worked there. Yeah. Don't remember it. Yeah. They were like, do you remember going on a date last night? And I went, well, yeah, you like took a girl from the restaurant. You guys went to the beach and got dinner. I was like, I don't remember that. You got

out of your own way. Yeah, I got out of my own way. I got out of my own way. It was just like, whatever, what are you doing? I've heard you a game. I heard you, I heard you getting around. That I got around? No, I think it was comics.

We're all carnies. So you spend time around each other and that it happens. Yeah. But like real world game, zero. Yeah, that's real. The game is different if it's like you just got off stage. Yeah. And you're like, yeah, how about that?

Patrice used to call it the yellow sun. He's like, it's like Superman in the yellow sun. It gives us powers the stage, but the far. but the farther you get away from it, the less power you have. It's true. And you feel like a weak little bitch. Oh, my God. Why would anybody ever touch me?

Oh, my God. I'd go to like regular shit. Mm-hmm. This is like 2010. And I'd meet people and they'd be like, I don't know if I'm like any. And you're like, well, then I'll go get drunk. Because that's where it was bars or comedy clubs? The idea of going to like a club, like a dance club, terrifying to me.

Dude. Terrifying. So that trip to Florida, the same trip to Florida, it was in Miami. And we were all going because one of my friends was turning 30. The idea of Miami is scary to be. I hate Miami. But I was still drinking and I was like, yeah, fuck it, let's go to Miami. And we go down to Miami.

We're in South Beach. We go to the Fountain Blue or like Fountain Blue. I forget what it. It's like a nice club. My friends want to go to the club. My friend whose birthday is all the guys I grew up with. They wait in line to get into the club. Yeah.

And then the club's like six dudes. No, it was seven of us. He goes, I can let five of you in. And me and my buddy went. The math thing. Me and my buddy went, you want to go drink at the bar? And he went, yeah. And we went and drank at the fucking lobby bar.

And it was more fun. Yeah. My friends went to the club and they're like, it sucked. It cost this. I was like, oh, we got blackout. I don't think I've ever been to a club. I've never done the thing where I, like, waited in line for some. I remember.

People love club culture. I know. I went and met a girl at a club. I was like meeting her outside. She was coming out. We had already gone on a couple dates. And I had my fucking. I had my fucking backpack.

I'm always walking around with my backpack because they need my notebooks. Because I need my notebooks. I just got over that. Dude, I'm about to be 43. I got over that three years ago. I'm out of there. I'm outside of there with my dumb little backpack.

And there's a guy, this fucking piece of shit, just like with this big dumb mustache and a fur coat. And he controls the list. And I'm watching him. And he's just relishing, like looking at people and being like, no,

no. And then I'll look at somebody and he'll go. And he'll lift a velvet. velvet rope and I'm like this piece of shit I would never stand here and let this fucker pass judgment on me oh but trying to go centerfield some pussy outside of a club that you know and you're like with your glove yo I felt I felt I felt cool I was like hey I'm not going in there for that you go oh oh when she comes out though it's like being at an airport when someone lands on a flight you go over here over here let's get out of here let's get out of here Alyssa I hope we fuck tonight dude That was, that's what I mean. I had no game. If you took me outside of the comedy scene or waiting tables because of the co-worker game,

I either had coworker game or I had, you saw me perform, everything else besides that. But I think this is normal. This is like most guys. Most guys have their sphere of, what is it, aptitude, sphere of knowledge. And that's where you, that's where you got strike. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, there's guys that are like good at going to club.

I'm friends with some of them. They're like good at going to clubs and buying a drink and going up and being like, they're good at having this conversation. What do you do? Oh, yeah, that's really, they can do that.

I can't do that at all. I'm like, blah, blah, blah, blah. They're like, now you put me at a diner, you're in trouble. You put me at a diner. You put a diner,

you put me, a friend, and two ladies at a diner, I'm running that shit. I'm running that shit. That's where you come alive. Club. Arizona. did horrible at when I was in college.

Really? Because I did not have bar or club energy. Where did you go to school? I went to Cal State University Northridge. Oh, hell yeah. So you're like Northern California. No, where's Northridge? No, no, that's, it's a suburb of Los Angeles.

It's Northridge. It's where the big earthquake happened. Oh shit, that's what I was thinking. It's in San Fernando Valley. So you went to Cal State Northridge. Out there. Because my parents were supportive. I was like, I'm going to do film production stuff.

I had gone to this like arts high school in Atlanta. I got into like film. I was like, I'm going to film stuff. And I didn't get into any. I didn't get it. The film schools were like USC, UCLA, Chapman, NYU, Emerson, none of them. Emerson, no.

I got waitlisted to Emerson. And I remember my mom looked up Cal State Northridge because she'd heard like people that work in the industry go to Cal State Northridge. And she was like, that's a good mom. That's a good mom. She knew. You know in the shorthand.

Yeah. She knew what I was capable of. And I remember she looked at the school and she got excited. She was like, you can get in here. You can do it. You can get in here. God, me and you have the same level of dumb ass. where our moms knew where we could get in.

Because like I applied to see you. And they were like, wait list. And CSU was like, maybe. And then my mom was like, try out of state. And I went to Arizona and Arizona was like. And then write a letter about how your dad died. And I wrote a letter. And Arizona was like, okay.

And then I was like, yeah, got in Arizona. I got. Truth is, no one in Colorado wanted me. Yeah. I got into Florida State. Oh. But I didn't get into the film production program, which is probably good.

If I had gone to Florida State, I would have been a totally different guy. You'd be dead. I would have died. I would have died. There's certain schools that I think about if I would have gone to, I would have been dead.

Yeah. University of Indiana. Why? It's a party school. Yeah. I had friends that went to Bloomington and they're like, it's a fucking drinking school.

Yeah, yeah. It does not get enough credit. Yeah. So if you're a Hoosier, congratulations on the national title and football, but also you deserve more credit as a party school. Yeah. Because the people that I used to party with and drink with

that went to Indiana were like fucking pros. Indiana, I went to Arizona. and everyone's like Arizona is a party school. They talk about it like it's the biggest party school in the country. Arizona State is. Oh, right. Arizona, if you're a rich kid and you're in a frat,

you're going to have the best time in the world. Yeah. If you're a rich kid and your dad's just going to give you endless amounts of money, go to Arizona. Yeah. Join a frat. You'll do good cocaine. You'll hang out with beautiful women that are tan and bleach blonde.

If you just are a low life piece of shit and you want a party, go to Arizona State. You can get in and, every night there there's a party. We'd drive up from Tucson to Tempe. Yeah. And be like, I talked to Santino about this all the time because Santino went to ASU. Yeah.

I was like, you went to the party school. We'd go up there and you'd be like, you'd see pool parties at an apartment complex on a Wednesday that you're like, this is like an entourage episode. It's like crazy. Like the women there. Yeah. Also, Arizona State, they're dumbasses. You just need to go wildcats. I'm always going to be a wildcat.

Wow. 2.5 GPA to get into fucking Arizona State. Yeah. So that was always the knock was that we had the slightly uglier, smarter women. Yeah. And they just had the greatest party school of all the time. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know if it's still like that. But at the turn of the century, back when I was there, 01 to 05, Arizona State. I mean, when I was coming up, there was still, people still talked about Arizona State. Dude, they were like, the list would come out like. Yeah, a playboy list. Playboy would do. Arizona State.

And people at Arizona would always go like. like, yeah, Arizona's up there and you go, motherfucker up Ben to Tempe. We're not touching that. Yeah. Maybe they are in the frats, but not in regular, not the Gen Pop. I tried the, Jen Pop. I love throwing Jen Pop.

I was Jen Pop, dude. I was just a regular guy. I tried the frat thing. You did? I did. I rushed, but I didn't plan to. There was just this group of guys that were like, you should join.

And I was like, oh, they were, they recruit. I realized we were like, we were like the bad news bears for turn. We were like, yo, ZBT, Those are still my dogs. That was the Jewish frat. Yeah. We weren't Jewish. It was a Jewish frat.

But it was a Jewish frat. It was a Jewish frat. Yes, but we were not, we were not super Jewish. My roommate at the time it was a drug deal in Israeli moved weight through ZBT. Yo, yeah. Oh, those hebes connected and they were fucking slang and fucking chronic. We were like a very Mexican frat. That's great.

The Jewish front. They're not. Them showing up and being like, there's the ZBT. I want to see my brothers. And then they're like, hol'a, oh, hey, what's up, Holmes? We're of a different tribe.

We come from a different, we're not one of the 12, bro. And then I quit, but I did it. I tried it because I was like, maybe this will help me get women. And it just instilled a lot of really terrible drinking habits. Did you?

Yeah, because they, that rush process. But, dude, it was like no, women weren't coming to the Fred either. Like, it was like bad. The people at Arizona in my freshman dorms that rushed, a lot of them got laid and I was like,

I immediately saw the benefit. Yeah. And I was like just in jean shorts in my room drinking fucking Milwaukee's best and smoking cigarettes. Straight up, dude. Shout out Apache Santa Cruz, the dorms. I would just be chilling outside smoking cigarettes and then my friend Morgan would come with a girl.

We'd be like, yeah, we met at this Theta S-A-E social. And I'd be like, cool, cool, cool. You guys want to smoke resin and play Madden O-2? This is what I was about. It's like there were dudes you could smoke weed with and drink with. It was like they would do these events and I'd be like, I can't. I'm not built for the. Yeah.

Where I started really resenting it at Arizona was once they got into the frats. They were like, you can't come to our parties. And what I liked about the University of Colorado when I lived in Denver was when we would go visit our friends, older brother who went to see you. Yeah. You could get into frat parties. Yeah. She'd pay five bucks for a keg cup. And you were in.

She had a red cup. And then you were drinking. And it was like, it literally reminded me of the movies where it's like a house party and you're like, oh, excuse me. And everyone's drinking. And they're like, who are you? And you're like, I live in this dorm. And they're like, fine. Arizona was like, dickheads.

Yeah. Like they were fucking mean. They were gatekeeping the whole thing. And you were like, I don't. My roommate one time, our junior year went to go sell a quarter pound to one of the frats, which will remain nameless. If you see me live, I'll tell you who it was. He was selling a quarter pound to a guy. Fucking four ounces.

Yeah. He was like going to say. sell this guy and this is like they want the weed he had really good weed and i'm like chilling with him i was always the weed dealer's roommate yeah i was always what i was and i'm like just chilling there and this guy's like who the fuck are you and i was like oh my roommates i didn't want to say anything so i go my roommates doing business with so and so and the guy i remember this fucking clear as day the guy goes cool cool you got three minutes to get out of this house where i'm going to kick the shit out of you and i go i don't think that's a good idea for you

Not saying I was a badass just because I knew. And he was like, no, fuck that. You got three minutes or I would kick shit out of you. And they were in the bedroom. Did he seem capable? Yeah. They would have kicked shit out of me. They're all very good shape.

Yeah. Probably steroids. Yeah, yeah. Would have beat the fucking breaks off me. I would have bit one of them. Yeah. I would have scratched one of their eyes out. I'm a little guy.

You're a big guy. I always figure, hey, you're a big fellow out in the world. I'm a big guy that gouges. Yeah. I like the gouge eyes. It's long fingers. Yeah. I got piano fingers, bitch.

I'll fucking press your point. Play your eyes like a goddamn sonata. But I remember knocking on the door being like, I'm here! And he was like in the room. And I was like, I'm here. And the guy's like, I don't know who you're knocking for. And you know, like when doors would open at fraternity houses

and you'd see into the room? Yeah. Like you saw their personality. Yeah, yeah. This was like the kid that sold weed at the frat. And I remember opening the door and being like, hey, this kid's saying he's going to kick shit out of me if I don't leave in three minutes.

And they like got, I got double mad at. So this guy's mad at me because I'm at the frat. And then I opened the door and they're in the middle of a fucking thousand, over a thousand dollar weed deal. Yeah. And I go, guys, I'm being yelled at and then they're like,

shut the fucking door. And I'm like, ah, ah, and I just left and went out front and smoked a cigarette on the sidewalk. Mother fucking. And then Amir like comes up. This isn't before cell phones.

Yeah. It's before texting. Yeah. So he just comes outside and he's like, where were you? And I was like, I tried to tell you. I got kicked out.

But dude, that guy made. me just like, I was so mad. I know. I've never, I was like, fuck you, dude. I don't even want to be here. Yeah. I don't want to be here. I don't like your frat. I've remembered every slight like that in my life. All the time. All the time.

It made me genuinely dislike the University of Arizona because there were so many guys that were like that. Yeah. They were like, what are you doing? You're like, nothing, man. I just want to get high. Where the fuck are they now? They act like they're your friends. There's some guys, all my friends from Arizona, I still like if they reach out, I'll be like, what's up, dude?

Yeah. But there's been guys that I genuinely hated in college that I remember. Yeah. That someone else would go, I was talking to so-and-so, and he remembers, you know, I go, keep my name out of that motherfucker's mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't like it.

Because now that you're in the public, you know, you're on a fucking Fox TV show. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure there's people that reach out to you, that you're like, leave me the fuck alone. Some. Yeah. Not a ton.

It's not a ton. Which is good. And, by the way, I didn't have, like, a lot of enemies at Arizona. But there's a couple dildos I remember that I'm like, we're not friends. I know. You were never friends with me. Yeah.

You didn't come to my fucking house and take bong loads and play PlayStation 2 with me. I think about comeuppance for them. What would that look like? You know what it is? A lot of the times what you don't realize

is when you're young and you're going through something like that, you don't realize that you're in a bad position but these people are in the best they're ever going to do position. So just wait. Yeah. It's literally, it's like being mad at the internet.

Just wait a little bit and it'll change. Yeah. Like don't. Don't comment back. I want to say to comments comics all the time. Don't comment back with someone to talk shit. What are you doing?

Yeah. Just give it a little and then you won't care. Yeah. That's really genuinely very true. Same advice to college students. If someone's being a to you, have it fuel you and then wait. Use that fuel.

That's kind of been, I mean, it's worked for me this far. That's kind of been the game plan. I remember in so many situations just being the bottom of the totem pole and being like, you know what?

Fuck you, motherfucker. You know what? Yeah. And I don't think enough people talk about that because they go like, no, you got to be above it and do that. And you go, fuck that shit. Have it fucking motivate you.

Especially when you're young. Do you know how many times? And I say this for guys that are lonely right now that are in their 20s and you're like, I can't meet a woman that's into the things I'm into. Stay yourself. Don't change for these bitches because you will find someone that likes what you like. Yes. It took me forever.

But I kept in college, I always had girls that I had crushes on. And they were like, I like you like a friend. Yeah. So you're like, oh, I just, I suck. And you think you suck. And you go, I just think you like the wrong people. Yeah. You're liking women that you wouldn't like if you dated anyways.

Yeah. Because they're into different stuff. They want to go to the farmer's market. They want to go hiking and all this shit. And you don't want to do that. And you go, well, I got to do that to get a woman. You don't. You just got to look for what you want in a woman.

Because when I met Katie, I was like, oh, I was wrong my whole life. Yeah. Who I was going after. I always thought like, oh, well, a girl like Katie wouldn't like me or whatever. It's like, we have the same interests. We like the same shit. Just find someone that you're into that shares the same stuff

and then hope they like you back. Yeah. That's the hard part. Yeah. But I was going after like hot blonde girls at Arizona that were like, no. They're like, this guy has a range rover and wants to fuck me. I'm like, I got a Dodge Stratis. And you can come hang out with me while I do the overnight at KFMA.

And they're like, no. The overnight at KFMA. KFMA. I used to be an overnight DJ. Oh, that's sick. I didn't like Arizona. I wanted to leave. Yeah.

And then I was going to transfer. My mom gave me this speech where she was like, she didn't even really give me a speech. She goes, I don't know, I just didn't really think I raised you to be a quitter like that. And I was like, because she was right.

It was my freshman year and I wasn't having fun because I was doing the same thing. I was going to try to hang out with people that weren't like me. Yeah. I was trying to go to these parties with people that weren't, rich kids from fucking San Diego. Yeah. that had money. They weren't like me.

They didn't understand. And I didn't like them. And so I was like, oh, fuck. And then I got a job. I started doing college radio. And I started working at the radio station in Tucson. And I met all my dogs. Yeah.

I met everybody. And that gave me the confidence to start doing stand-up. Yeah. And then I just was at laughs. I was either at KFMA or laughs. Yeah. All the time. And people were like Arizona.

It's like, well, I paid for my whole school. So I will support that team. Yeah. Especially this March. Let's go Wildcats. But I'm,

never going to do the thing where it was like it was the greatest time of my life it wasn't no it set me up for the greatest time of my life which was moving here and doing stand-up which was like oh this is like I think how a lot of people feel when they go to college is how I felt when I moved to new york with stand-up yeah where I went oh you're like me so I don't fault people that have a good time in college yeah maybe finding people that are like minded like you like there are guys that joined frats and they go like this is what I wanted shirtless arms over each other going We're brothers. And they need that.

Yeah. And now they're in the corporate world and they go like, do you remember when I was getting my dick sucked at fucking Boise State? Yeah. I'm glad you had that. Yeah. Delayed gratification. Yes.

You're not having it in college. It's just delayed gratification. You'll find it. Absolutely. But you got to keep working. That's what it is. I really feel like that's what sucks about the instant culture. Yeah.

Because everyone goes, you should be happy right now. It goes, no, you shouldn't. No. It should actually be a little miserable. Especially in your 20s. man, you're trying to piece it together. It's like painful. It's fucking painful.

Enjoy your skin being tight. Yeah. Enjoy being able to sleep wherever you can without your neck hurting. I could sleep nine hours uninterrupted on a couch and maybe flip. I was living on couches. I lived on a couch. genuinely. When I moved out to Hoboken,

did you stand up? I lived on a fucking futon. You were in Hoboken on a futon? Seven months. God damn. And shout out to Morgan and Norberto and Jimmy Balls, my roommates. They let me live. On the fucking futon, we could smoke cigarettes inside, which was...

Oh, I've dropped out of school for a year, and I... Part of the time I lived in a hostel, I lived and worked in a hostel on Venice fucking beach. And we could smoke cigarettes everywhere. Changes everything. I was 21 years old. I didn't have any money, and I would clean rooms at night to sleep there and just crush Marlboro Rents. Yes. What a time?

Cowboy killers. What did you find in those rooms? What did I find? Nothing crazy. Nothing crazy. Because the hospital you think, probably because Eli Roth. I met interesting people for sure. You meet so many cool people.

Yeah, people that travel. People that travel. It's like meeting with someone like R.S. I'm saying a hospital. Who goes, oh, I just go there and I live there for a little bit. Yeah. I never had those. So many crazy people.

It was awesome. But that was, man, the smoking cigarettes inside. Dude, when I used to wake up, when I lived on, when I lived with them and I would just swing my feet over the futon and pull my pack of camel lights. Yeah. Pull one out. be like the fuck we got going on today light it out the side you know turn on the TV and watch sports center and be like hung over yeah definitely hung over from the night before just being like

fuck do those guys I took uh I saw Morgan for like the first time in years and he always would be like you call me gay because of how much I like to stand up because we're a college friends and then I moved out here and he'd be like you're so gay for comedy because I'd be like oh so um rest in peace to Shaq the old bouncer at the cellar but Big Jay introduced me to him when I first moved here and I became friends with like Lewis and Jay and all them

and Jay was like oh you should know Shaq and I wasn't in at the cellar but Shaq was like yeah dude I'll let you sit on the runners and watch the shows and I'd watch like Geraldo and fucking Patrice Patrice wasn't in a he had already been kicked out of the cellar so it was Geraldo Mike Di Stefano atel

but I just like Todd Lynn I'd just come to watch him and I would like I was obsessed with it. And then I'd just go get drunk at like a shitty bar. And like whoever I was with comedy wise, we just talked about the sets we watched. And then I would just come home blacked out. But Morgan would always be like, dude,

it's so gay. You just follow other men around to watch it. And I go, no, I want to do this. And I haven't seen him in like 12 years. Yeah. And then we got dinner in the city and he's like, I can't believe you're like, you're a comic now. And you're like, I know.

I was so gay for it that I became it. But that's what I think is like a lot, what's missed now. with the culture of like instant celebrity and YouTube fame and that shit, go get into something. Yeah. And go get so into it that you like, like live it. Yeah. Like give yourself to it.

Yeah. I think that's missed on a lot of shit. Like what you're talking about with film. I think that's a great idea. What your mom did was awesome. Yeah. She's like, this is L.A. This is where they make film.

I mean, now Atlanta. But the place you left became the fucking L.A. But like her having the The like the idea of like Northridge Cal State Northridge you can just be right there in LA In the valley or wherever it is and the fucking make And all my boys I went to school with there

They all work in the industry That's what I mean. They're all doing fucking great They all work in the industry Having that parent that can do that My mom was like listen I work She worked for an insurance company She's like I cover five states

You can go to college One of those five states Because I need to know I could touch down And call a lawyer if you need help and I was like, great piece of advice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, Arizona. She's like, yeah.

I was like, all right, I'll go to Arizona. Fuck yeah. Texas, Arizona, Wyoming, Colorado, New Mexico or one other one. And I was like, I'll go to Arizona. Yeah. It was that, that was her territory. Dude, yeah. And so she would travel all the time and then she was like, you can go to one of those,

but you're like, fuck yeah. That's wide open country, brother. But that's what it is. You got to go somewhere that makes sense. Take shots you can make. Yeah. People don't do that. It's true.

People go like, I want to be famous. You see that in stand up all the time. They go, I remember barking in the West Village and I met this guy named Scott. I hope he's all right. But I remember meeting him and he went, yeah, dude, I'm going to get in two weeks here. Then I'm going to try to get into the cellar. He's like, within a year, I'm going to be on S&L. And I was like, oh, brother.

So many delusional people like this. Oh, brother. Because I really started hitting it in L.A., which is even more. You started in L.A.? Because I was out there for school. I didn't know that's where you started stand-up. No, I technically started as a kid. I started as a kid in Atlanta.

My mom got me in a stand-up as a kid. I didn't realize. How old were you? Dude, I was like, there was, I mean, I went to a summer camp for comedy called kid comedy when I was like 12. And where they just teach you like Abbot and Costello bits. They teach you like who's on first. That's great though.

That's like basic structure. It's amazing. And then my mom was so in tune with what I was good at. She was like, all right, we'll try this. And then that lady had a class and she would like write jokes for you. And it would be like, last week I got a 70, my highest grade ever on a spelling test. I know. I know.

I've got to start cheating off smarter kids. She'd write you shit like that. That's fun. And then your graduation, our graduation was at the punchline in Atlanta. Next to the diner. And she got fucking Domarera to come out because Domera's like niece was in the, was in the program.

So it was similar to like what Tiffany Haddish did when she was a kid at the, yeah, laugh factory. At the laugh factory. It was like it was one of them's put it in Atlanta. It didn't last that long. Janet Schultz, she still my dog. So I did that. And then I got into like, you know.

So when you were doing it in LA, When you're at Northridge, are you like, let me go do stand-up? Dude, I was like, I had done it a couple times because another kid in the dorm was interested in stand-up. He was really good. This guy Dylan Niles, he was like, he's really into like one-liners. He was great. He was a very smart dude. And I was like, I used to do this shit.

And I would just get, you know, get hammered and stuff. Old hat. Yeah. Yeah. It just sucked. But then I remember I was trying to do homework one day. It was like physics of music, some bullshit class that they give to dummies where you have. to have a math and they're like how about the physics of music and i was even bad at that and i was

like fuck this i'm gonna try doing stand-up again i went to the ha ha cafe i took the bus i was like 20 and i was like i did that and i was like i'm gonna drop out and just do stand-up really i dropped out and is your mom mad when you dropped out no supportive really supportive that's you know what's crazy man is like um you do comedy long enough that you realize how lucky we are to have supportive I know, but I, I, I'm a little jealous of people that didn't have parents that were supportive or sort of did it on their own. Because I sometimes think there's like, there's a weakness to me and a strength to them that they like, through it all, were like, no, I actually think this is going to work. I see that. I understand.

Like I wonder what I would have. Yeah, I wonder what I would have done if I didn't have people behind me being like, you could do this. I understand that. That's like, uh, that there is something about that where you're like, oh, I admire that you were like, everyone was like, you fucking suck. And you're like, I don't. Yeah. Yeah. I would, I just go, I know.

I know. I fucking suck. Let me hang it up, dude. I suck. I suck. But I, uh, I remember, like, telling my mom, like, I'm doing stand-up. And my mom was like, great. And then I was like, I think this is, because I was doing it at the University of Arizona.

Yeah. I was doing, like, open mics every Thursday. Like, doing, like, MC weekends. Yeah. Fuck yeah. And then, like, going to Albuquerque and doing, like, laughs out there, like, as an MC. And then, like, like, the casino gigs. And finally, I was like, like,

like, I think I'm going to do stand-up. And my mom went, listen, I just need you get your college degree. She's like, that truly is, as a single mom, the only thing I care about. I feel like if you got your degree, it says I did my job. Yeah.

And I was like, fair. And then she's like, but after that, do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah. So then I graduated college and I was like, hey, I'm going to do a year of stand-up and working at KFMA here. Then I'm going to move to New York.

And my mom without even batten and I, I went, fuck you. Yeah. Go for it. go do that shit. And you were like, that's where I feel lucky. That's where I think it's a strength where other people had. Because I think a lot of guys get stopped that don't have the like, fuck you, I am funny.

And they have parents to go, fuck, no, you're not. And you go, yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right. How many people are actually limited by it? Because me and you might have been crushed by that. Yeah. And I did that. My mom wanted the same thing.

I dropped out for a year and I did stand up. Towards the end, I wasn't doing so. I bombed so I stopped for a few months. Those early bombs up there. Oh, my God. It was bruised. This guy had booked me. It was when I was living in the hostel on Venice Beach.

And I just talked to him at a bar and he was like, there's this fucking reggae band that's playing. You should come and do stand-up in between them. And he was like, it's the best reggae band in Venice Beach. And I did it and I invited people from the hostel that I just started working at. I got so drunk. I went up there, bombed my tits off. And the guy that had booked me through the silence looks at me and goes,

I thought you were funny, man Through the silence I got off I was so embarrassed The people from the hostel had seen it People I have to live and work with But I'll never forget the drummer Like this cool like blonde dude

I come out and I was like I really goofed it and he goes Hey man you know what they call that Experience Hey You know thanks dude I go thank you dude He goes I'm gonna be dead in two years

Something about me I'm gonna be gone I'll never forget that motherfucker But I stopped for like three months after that. And then I went back to school and just did stand up on the side and got my degree. That's what you do. Stayed in LA for a year, drove for Uber, doing standup.

And then I was like, let me go back to Atlanta where it like, you just can get better, faster. I mean, it's a great thing. I'm from where I'm from. I didn't want to be like a comic from Los Angeles. I wanted to be from Atlanta. That was always the thing I thought because I was in Tucson, which is close to L.A. Yeah.

And I was like, always obsessed with New York guys. And I was like, nah, no, I got to go to New York. And everyone that I did comedy with was like, L.A. is right. And you're like, I know. And they're like, who do you know in New York? And I was like, nobody. I know Morgan. That's sick.

I know Morgan from school. And I called him. I still remember I was watching a Yankees, Tigers playoff game. And I was smoking resin on and out on my little balcony on my porch in Tucson. And I went, let me see if Morgan's living in New York. And I thought Hoboken was part of New York. That's how out. fucking stupid I was.

And I called him and I went, where do you live? And he goes, I live in Hoboken. And I was like, I think I'm going to move out there. And he was like, you can live on my couch.

What a guy. And I was like, are you for real? And I just remember that because I was watching that playoff game. And the Yankees were what reminded me of like, oh yeah, I could call Morgan. He was out there.

And he let me fucking move out here. And then like January 6th, 2007, I fucking moved out to New York and had zero idea about this city. I had no idea where anything was. That's fucking exciting. This city is. fucking terrifying if when you move here.

I bet. And how old are you fucking 23? 22, 22? Yeah. You just like move out here and I literally took a gypsy cab from LaGuardia that ripped me off. Rit me off.

Just to take me to fucking, uh, Penn Station. Yeah. Rit me off. Me and another fucking country bumpkin that landed at LaGuardia. And now I have like heat for gypsy cab guys. Dude,

ask Sagula. We landed on Sunday and the guys like, get away from me. You took $200 from me when I had nothing. is crazy. I got a fucking ripped off. I'm an idiot. And I was a country pumpkin.

And they, good for them. That's how they survive. It's the law of the jungle. And they fucking got me. Dude, I got one of those. But I remember being like,

dude, it's like when you go to a difficult level in a video game and it's not unlocked. Yeah. And you're just like doing small moves and you're like, I don't even know where I'm at. Moving into the city, I still missed that.

Like taking the subway the wrong way. Yeah, and being like, fuck, I'm in Queens. I was supposed to go downtown. Like just not knowing where I was. It was so exciting to be a loser and then struggling.

Yeah. Just struggling. That's where you got to find fun in it. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And that's where the booze really comes into play. The early years of New York, this is fumbling through open mics. Nothing better than get a little loose for that.

Just drinking out of bar, telling people at the bar, you're going to go do stand up and they go, well, you got more balls than I do. Yeah, dude, I used to love the, Shout out Stand Up New York's Sunday Open Mic. And I would do like just hitting the mics. There used to be a website called Giggle Chick where she would list every open mic in New York. And I had it in my fucking notebook.

In L.A. L.A. was Bad Slava. Bad Slava. I do. I remember that. Because the first time I went to L.A., they were like, oh, you'd look up Bad Slava, all the mics you can get on. Because L.A., I would probably bet in New York seven or eight years before I tried to go out there and do a set. in L.A. was not having it.

Yeah. Fuck out. No. It was fine to come up. But dude, I was doing like the hot cafe in this place called Marties, which is just a guy who had an office space with three rooms in it. People from L.A. back 10 years ago, we'll tell you about Marnies.

Three rooms in it. And you would just give them $5. And you would go do stand up in the three rooms for other comics, one or two, one or two guys. And you were just running through your shit. Dude, I mean, Monday nights barking for the comedy. village in the West Village. You did it.

You barked. Oh, yeah, I barked. And, dude, at the time I was barking, List was hosting the Monday night show, so he didn't have to bark. Wow. He was hosting. But the barking crew was like me,

Graham K., Andrew Schultz, Thomas Dale. What? A couple other people. We were all barking. Wow, that's wild. Yeah. We'd all bark in the West Village. I didn't bark.

In L.A., what I did was I did, you would, I worked at the Haha Cafe, these sketchy motherfuckers, and I would send a text blast. Text blast it was like, you just won two free tickets. with comics from HBO showtime. Call center.

And half of the text back would be like, take me off this fucking list. How many fucking, and I did that to do the open mic for free instead of paying $5. So texts weren't prevalent when I was in Tucson in 2004. Because I started in 2004, 05, 06. I did Tucson, 04 to 06. And laughs, the comedy club had a call room

where open micers would go in there and then just blast their phone list, being like, hey, coming up, we've got T.C. Hatter and Marcy Ann, come check them out Friday and Saturday. And then they would get like, that was how they got into the club. And I, my buddy Matt, a bunch of people I knew do that. And I was like, I can't do that. I ran, I wasn't about, I ran like a bringer. Yeah, I used to make calls for a bringer show. Really? I had my old, in that notebook. Gary Veter was on that. Gary Veter was on the list where I'd call for this lady. This lady picked me up like at a bus stop.

She didn't. It was at the stand-up, stand-up New York, stand-up New York Open mic, and she was like, hey, I need help. I'll give you a spot

every Monday on this show that, like, Jim Norton would do, Giroldo, Patrice. The guys I idolized. And she was like, all you have to do is call these 10 people,

get 10 people to bring 10 friends. And I didn't know what a bringer was. And then the second someone told me what that was, I was like, that's gross. And they're like, well, you're helping out.

And I was like, oh, no. I'm not joking. I think I started doing that, I moved to your January, started doing that in February, was done by April. God damn. Being like, I don't want to do that.

That's fucked up. And she was like, well, then you'll have to bark. And I was like, I'll bark. I'd much rather bark than fucking call people for a brink. Oh, the dirty shit. Dude, this system that they did, it would be like, you'd ask, they would ask somebody to do the Monday competition show. And they'd be like, you give us $20.

We give you 20 tickets. And then you sell those tickets however you want. and I think I was so hard up for stage time. I never pressed anybody to sell tickets. I never was the one that, like, pushed people to sell tickets. I just ran the soundboard, and I got to do my 10 minutes on the show. God, I wonder who is this equivalent in the Epstein Files? I didn't fucking eat the kids.

I didn't send any of the kids. You go, all I would do is make sure that there was shrimp on the island for Jeffrey at his guest. I feel shame. I've never admitted to this. This is like, you just told your story of how you were morally above it. And I was like, well, but here's the thing. I was morally above it. But I kind of knew what I was doing was dirty.

And then when it was, Joe List was the one that put it crystal clear to me. He goes, you're helping book a bringer show. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, oh. And he's like, you can't do that. And I was like, I got a work. Did you ever do a bringer show? Yeah.

I did bringers. I brought shout out Caitlin Allgood. She's been married for a long time, but she was a high school friend. Uh-huh. And she brought, she was in the city working at a, I forget where she was working. I think Hillstone, she's working at a restaurant. And I was like, you got to come see me. You got to come see me do stand up.

And her and her boyfriend at the time came with my buddy, my buddy Vic. And I remember the lady was mad at me because I was supposed to have five people and I brought three. And she went, she went, well, now you're going to go on late. And the show started at 8 p.m. I went up second to last in front of five people, three of them were mine, two of them were the guy that went last. And the only reason I went second to last

because I had three and he had two. And I remember going like, and I was so mad because the beginning of the show was packed and it was like Jim Norton. Jim Norton specifically went up. And I watched him and I was like obsessed with Opie and Anthony. I couldn't say anything. And he walked out and I was like, oh fuck, oh fuck.

And then I went up at like, I was mad. Because I'd been featuring. I'd been co-featering at laughs. Yeah. Hors shit jokes. But you were fucking featuring. But I was like, dude, I was doing 20.

Now I can't even get three minutes on this bringer show. I was so mad. I was so mad. Yeah. That's what it was. You moved to New York. You got to eat that shit. But, you know?

Absolutely. When I moved from Atlanta, I waited until I was like pretty, like, I was good in the Atlanta scene. I was, you know, maybe I was working. Then you come here and they were like, fuck you. And that's the thing about New York that I'll tell any comic that's in another city. No. You should move to New York.

It's good for stage time. But just no. No one gives a fuck. Yeah. Also, the sooner the better. No one gives a fuck who you were in your scene, what you did in your scene. I moved.

I was one of the people that convinced Shane to move here. And he was over in Philly. Yeah, yeah. And I remember walking him to the stand and the stand going, I don't give a fuck. I remember him walking to the cellar. going this guy's fucking hilarious and they go I don't give a fuck. I remember when Shane

they were doing the auditions for this week at the comedy seller. Yeah, it was with Fat Black. At the Fat Black. And Shane did his set and didn't get it. I talk about that with Liz all the time. And I went up to it. I had to go to Liz and go I fucking promise you.

He's hilarious. I remember. He was like well he didn't do well on his first. Esty watched me and he didn't do well and I was like I swear to God this guy is good. The first time I saw him was, what the fuck was that place. I forget the name of it. It was upstairs. It was up a long flight of stairs. Oh, on 44th Street? No, down more closer to Union Square. Maybe off 14th. Long stairs. Long stairs. Sort of had, it had a curtain. It was a long, thin room. Anyway, it was the

first place I saw Shane, and I was just hanging in the back, and he was so funny. He was the joke about like his sister being on heroin. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's like, it's great if you hit her a guitar, but she's just a nail tech, or she works in a hair salon. Yeah. You're talking about taking her to the amusement point? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great. He's great. And then I remember seeing that audition because I did the same audition the next night and I went the first night just to see. And I just walked in and I was like, dude, you're so funny. And he's been so nice to me ever since then. He's the best. Yeah. He's just a good dude. But he was, he was king shit in Philly. Yeah. And I was like, well, you graduated. You beat the level. Come up to New York thinking like,

this is going to be a layup. No, this is a fucking. And everyone was like, I don't give a fuck. And you're like, so just know, no, if you're a comic and you're thinking about moving to New York, work, get over the idea of them being excited, you're here. Yeah. You just have to be here, show up, do well. People will fucking take notice. I was doing mad open mics. I was just muslin through it.

And then eventually something catches and you start to, you get an idea what the scene is. You make your friends. And then shout out to Rebecca Trent at the creek. Shout out to Lewis at Poster Dog. I found people that went, you're funny. We'll give you regular spots.

Because I was doing check spots and open mics. And finally when I got a real, like in front of a real crowd you go oh i'm doing stand-up yeah yeah and then you just built shout it to macalla yeah she put you up she put me up she's one of the first people who put me up you always got to remember the first people that put you up dude shout out to chloe ifshin wayne raida louis j gomez and rebecca trent were the three people that were like i'll give you spots oh and dennis at the laugh factory i hope you're all right dude he was the bartender the booker got it was the laugh factory in times square it got they sold it to a different company it became

Times Square Art Center. And then Dennis was the bartender that became the Booker. And he was like, I think you're funny. I'll give you spots. And I was like, what's up? I was like, what's up? This is awesome.

And then I'd get way too drunk. Yeah, that was another thing. Michael Rowland's fucking hilarious. Watch him on YouTube. Watch him on Animal Control on Fox. See him live. Season 1 through 3 on Netflix now. Is it?

Yeah. We'll get to Netflix? Yeah, we got something on Netflix. That's awesome. It's really helpful. Are you on the road at all? I'm going to be. I was just in Rutherford, New Jersey, a bananas.

Yeah, shout out. Shout out. Fun. Yeah. Not bad. Hotel, but it's fun. Hotel, but it's fun. They're doing a good thing over there.

They're doing all right. They've been around since the years. I got no road dates after that, so hopefully something shakes loose soon. Yeah, I mean, if I'm getting some new dates on the books, we'll fucking go out together. I would love to. Yeah, we'll hang out. I would love to. Yeah, hell yeah.

Michael rolling rules. And so do you. Thanks for watching this. Goodbye. Thanks, Dean. You know,