Soder - 144: Arizona Massage with Nick Rochefort | Soder Podcast | EP 141

Episode Date: July 21, 2026

Support the sponsors to support the show!Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/wdild9do #CashAppPodCash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Cash App Visa® Debit Flex Cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC, and The Bancorp Bank, N.A., pursuant to a license from Visa U.S.A. Inc. See terms and conditions for the Sutton prepaid card, Sutton debit flex card, and Bancorp debit flex card. Cash App Green features, Savings, Direct deposit, Round ups, Overdraft coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.https://cash.app/?utm_source=episodic&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=episodic_podscale_soder_2025&pid=Episodic-to-App&af_xp=custom&af_dp=cashme%3A%2F%2F&shortlink=wdild9do&source_caller=ui&c=Episodic_Podscale_Soder_2025Get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com/go/soder #squarepod https://squareup.com/us/en/campaign/audioTaking care of your health just got easier – start here with Zocdoc: https://zocdoc.com/SODER #sponsoredzocdoc.com/SODERF*%k your khakis and get The Perfect Jean 15% off with the code SODER15 attheperfectjean.nyc/SODER15 #theperfectjeanpodhttps://theperfectjean.nyc/?utm_source=Soder&utm_medium=Podcast&amount=15percentSoder is building a new hour on the road!Get tickets at https://www.dansoder.com/tourJuly 25 - Montreal, Canada JFLJuly 31 - August 1 - Albany,NYAugust 13-15 Baltimore,MDAugust 20-22 Spokane,WASeptember 10-12 Portland,MESeptember 17-19 Hartford,CTOctober 2-3 Alburquerque,NMOctober 4-7 Fort Collins,COOctober 19-21 Winnipeg, CanadaOctober 22-24 Calgary,CanadaNovember 5-7 Salt Lake City,UTDecember 10-12 Rochester,NYFollow Nick Rocheforthttps://www.instagram.com/nickrochefort/?hl=enhttps://www.facebook.com/nickhaulinass/https://www.youtube.com/@NickRochefortPLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow.https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572Connect with SoderTwitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoderInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoderTiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedyFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoderYoutube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy#dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcastProduced by  Mike Lavin     https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

An inspirational portrait of a farmer's son who rises from humble beginnings to build a luxury fashion empire. Brunello, the gracious visionary, traces Brunello Cucinelli's life journey, his commitment to craftsmanship, ethical values, and humanistic philosophy. Directed by Academy Award winner Giuseppe Tonatore, the film blends documentary and fiction, an intimate look at the Italian entrepreneur known as the King of Kashmir. See Brunello, the gracious visionary, in Select Theaters July 24th. Hey, everybody. I'm back on the road. I am, though. Batavia, Illinois, you were incredible. Those shows at the Comedy Vault. What a club. What a staff. What a crowd. I can't say it enough. I had a hell of a time.

Stanford, Connecticut, thank you. That was a hell of a weekend with Greg Stone working on new stuff. Next up, we got July 25th in Montreal, Club Soda, the Late Show. Tickets available at Dan Soda.com. and then July 31st and August 1st, four shows Albany Funny Bone. I'm bringing Sag Daddy to God. So go get tickets. We're doing four shows at the Funny Bone. That's July 31st and August 1st, Albany, Funny Bone. And then August 20th to August 22nd, I'm going to be at the Spokane Comedy Club in Spokane, Washington.

Beautiful Spokane, Washington. Dan Soder.com for all the dates that I listed, go get them. working on the new hour building it, and it's awesome. I really appreciate you guys coming out. I love doing stand-up this fucking rules. So thanks for coming out. And thanks for watching the podcast. And I hope you're doing all right.

You know, because there's a lot of shit going on. So I hope you're cool. Super casual here. I like that. Yeah, dude. We're just super casual. Look at that.

You guys got a lot of nice gear here. Well, you know what it is is, uh, oh, you don't have to be owned by these places anymore. Yeah. It's funny how we, they figure that out of the XM's like, We don't tell them that cameras are only eight grand for the best ones.

B and H, you're taking us down a peg. Fuck, they went to PC Richard and son. Oh, that son of a bitch and his bastard. Just cutting us at the knees. There's just a boardroom at Sirius XM with a fucking cork board of who they need to kill. We took out the whiz. That was easy. Mullen.

Mullen doesn't know how much cameras are, do they? Good. He's unfamiliar on how to Google a camera. Good. I was watching him the other night from three tables over. He couldn't figure shit out. Do you, you're like one of the only people I know.

We live in an age now of like Peter Pan. Just like all the guys in our 40s now are just giant children. I'm a prime example. Oh, man. There's wrestling dummies behind you and shit. These are valuables. God damn right. But this is why I love Nick.

This is why I love. And obviously, Nick Rush Ford, go watch everything he does. Scuff Realtor, just did a live one. You're the fucking funniest. Appreciate that. You are the man that.

Every one of my friends. This is why I'm bringing this up. You're the guy I know that all my friends call with dad questions. Big dad questions. You are the de facto dad. To comedians. But like to fun comedians. Yeah.

Oh, no. I have no problem. I will assume it's okay, man. Listen, man. You give me a call when you're in a little bit of trouble. You got a big check. You're nervous about that kind of money. Yeah.

You walked away from the weekend. You got $31,000. You got one of those last weekend, too. And then a couple of weeks you got one of those before. Now we got a hundred grand. You're thinking, do I do a house? I want a car that goes really fast. And I'm like, easy, brother.

Easy. So I have no problem whatsoever. And I will take the phone call. I take the phone call like it's my son in a fucking like at a frat house, like on a drug he never took before. Dad, but it's Lewis going, Hey,

there's an Audi A-A. And I really wanted to go from, broom, broom, broom. It's like, I know you do. Lewis,

I know you do. He's like, and there's a girl with me. And she really thinks I'm hot. And I'm like, no, no, she's just stupid.

What did we talk about your insurance? And he goes, I know, I know, 20 accidents of six months is really bad. I know, it's my Puerto Rican driving skills. You know, Louis Go Smash. He talks like Hulk. But it is, I guess the question is because you're talking to a guy that follows

that account on Instagram of like, here's how you do stuff, that dad that started, it was like a feel good story where it was like, here's how you change your tire. Yeah, yeah. And I followed him because that's the kind of the hole I have inside of me where I'm like, I need that. How do you learn that shit?

Did your dad put you on? My dad was dad. I had like four dads. So like gay dad's rule. Yeah, yeah. He's like, he rolled with like a bunch of guys that had no problem being like, my daughter is a like an emo fuck up.

But your son listens to you, Rocky, my dad. Yeah, yeah, that's nuts. And I don't think he, I think he saw the movie. He was like, no,

I'm going to change my. His name's Richard. He was like, no, fuck that. Rocky. Which is totally nuts, especially the fact that he looked like Freddie Mercury growing up. That is so fucking cool that he saw it. He goes, I like this kind of retarded Italian.

I'm Rocky too. Everybody's always called me that. No, dude, I've been Rocky since I was a little kid. His father's like, no, no, it's not. We called you Richard. You're Richard a dicky. It's always like it hurts more. Fuck that.

I'm not Dickie, I'm Rocky. He's looking at his dick. He's like, no, it's not. It's Rocky, the boxer and my stupid girlfriend. My dogs. I call him Buccas. Nick. Yeah, but your dad was he putting you on to like...

I grew up in a car. It was like a small car dealership of like, imagine like a single garage that can fit two cars and then a little man door and then an office, maybe the size of this room with a desk and three guys just used to hang out. No jobs. A commercial painter named Junior, Uncle Junebug. Howard. All dead.

All these guys are now dead. And one of them was like a builder. One of them was like a painter. And then my dad. and then like my uncle Tommy would. Tommy was like a biker kind of guy, but they would have, my dad never kicked me out of the room with men.

That's the best. Which is really weird. He'd be like, hey, uh, the crooked cop is going to sell us a gun. Stay right here. And like the,

and it would be like three guns on the ground. And he'd be like, ah, and this is like people, this sounds like the most like cap story. And it's totally true. He's like, yeah,

that gun's cool. And he bought like a really cool, like a 1911 with like a handle. And he's like, you know, there's been people. The city's getting worse. But we worked.

We did buy here, pay here auto, which is you $1,500 down $40 a week. And I would collect the money from the people on Saturdays. My dad would go buy cars at dealerships. Like, he'd go to the back of the dealerships and buy the trade-ins, basically. Yeah. So on Saturday, he would leave at nine. And I would sit there from nine to 12 and I would collect like $35, $45 off an index card. And I would expect, like, let's just say 60 people to come in and give me $35.

I would tuck it with their index card. And that's what they would come in and go like, hey, so-and-so, here's 40 bucks. Here's my, I'm Mrs. Johnson. and I paid, you know, I have the Cadillac, your dad sold me, and he would be like, all right, here you go. And then like, how old are you when you're doing this? Like nine?

Crazy. Nuts. Crazy. Alone. Yeah. Crazy. Crazy. And like all I have was like the guy.

You didn't get fucked? No. And he was the best by. They would be like, I don't have it. And I'd be like, well, you know the rule, Mrs. Johnson. Crazy. Go get something worth $35. And that would be, I'd have to say, go get something worth $35.

And he'd be like, just make him go get something. And they'd come back with, like, tools and, like, dogs. Oh my God. Like, like St. Bernard, like, these are $300 puppies. You know, like, that's, you know, you know, you know the value. A nine-year-old turning down puppies? I'm like this, it's a wholesale. I'm like, and I'm like this, I know that Chesapeake Bay Retrievers are like $400.

Like, I just know they are. You're like letting it kiss you. You go, that's like the gummer of puppies. Yeah, a little smell puppy breath on my nose. You go, that's pretty good. I'm like, Dad, we got a dog. I'm going to name him Dallas. As in the Cowboys.

I took nine of them at four apiece. No. No, no, that's what counts closed. Call the want ad, make an ad. You're selling them. You got eight for sale, $2.50. Turning and burning, baby. That's what we do.

So you're just on your Saturday mornings are just collecting money from people that are barely getting by that needed their car work done or scumb bags. No, they were all right. It was honestly one of those things. It sounds really predatory. It could be totally. We were like, it wasn't a bad thing. And it was almost like, look, the car is, it was like 19.

See, I was born in 84. So it was like 1993. And we were selling like 1989, like Cadillac DeVille. in like the hood relatively on front street one sock I'll get up four nine front street in the hells over one I love that I love the receipt seven series Google map it you fucking yeah everybody's like rich kid grew up with his dad's deal with

they think I own like a Ford dealership I'm like look the fucking dealership someone that went to college with kids whose dad I went to college with a kid whose dad owned a Land Rover dealership and I'll tell you right now upon meeting you the first time we ever met versus at Skankfest versus like I you can tell oh yeah when I met the Land Rover kid I was like, what is your dad on a dealership?

And he'd be like this, in La Jolla. And you're like, oh, God damn it. Versus you where I was like, I bet this guy is like a fence, like you're like a fence of something. You're a post, whatever they call it. One of those guys that sell weapons in the Old West. They call them like posts or something. I don't know.

We can delete this. That's the best part of editing. That's a, but when I saw you, it's like. A trading post. But it's like you're a guy that's you and go, I bet he could get me an illegal gun. Yeah, I was never a gun guy up until two. ago, but yeah, no.

Really? Yeah, guns. I never got, I just got my first gun, two guns. I bought a little, like a school shooter psycho gun with, it's like mint green. It looks like a... I don't think you're supposed to call it a school shooter. Right. It's something's wrong with it.

Like, it's just a, I was like, I'll take that one. That's cool. It's for my, it's like a credit card size, a Smith and Western bodyguard, something. And then I bought a body of mine built me an AR with like cuss. And I wanted to look like, um, like a pottery barn edition gun with like cranberry and it's so ridiculous. Dude, if you would have made a peer one in a car. imports gun where it's like a wicker

basket handle that's so like a woven one that's so funny like with like a duvet like a down duvet shoulder pad it's like the grip has like a velvet like a crush velvet paisley it's a beachy a r it's a very beachy it's fun it's a very cape cod the breeze the breeze going through your hair the anger pulsing through your veins junk is ran out of your system you're looking to shoot up and make enemies your putrid hatred virility for life. I'm going to try to show you my pottery. What a company mashup with a gun.

Smith, Smith and Weston and Pier 1 imports bring you. Yeah, that's cool. You don't want to show that, but that's it. That's cool. But it's going to, they were like, the guy who built it for me, posted it, and everybody was like, who's the fucking idiot who built this gun?

And they were like, Nick did. And it's, pew, boo, boo, don't ever break in my house again. Watch out. You've got a fucking laser point on your. You're like so freaking dead right now. I'm about to blow your hips out, bitch. Which is really funny.

If you robbed my house, it would be like, they used to set like, because I used to have an antique store and they'd be like, oh, dude, don't you afraid of people stealing out? I'm like, who are these gay burglars that are going to steal like, oh, bitch, can you grab the war hall? Someone, I hear someone and you hear it because it gasps. They go, oh, I've been looking for this. You go, someone's broken in.

Someone's in here. Someone's in the house. Click, click, click, click. I'm like heels on. It's like, I'm hearing my dog run down. hallway. You that'll work. Cabag girl.

Oh my phone's ringing. Oh my God. Turn on silent, you fucking slut. Romeo, you better be outside. Turn the car hour to get the fuck out of here. Go, go, go.

I got a first edition RuPaul Drag Race that he was framed in here. Do y'all stay? Yeah. But that kind of, you calling it a school shooter handgun makes me think if you say that when you're buying the gun,

remember when you would try to buy a bong and you'd call it a bong? Yeah. And they go, it's a water pipe. Everything in here is for tobacco. use only. You do wonder if that's how I'm not a big enough gun guy to know the answer to me neither. But talking like that in a gun store we're going like

I know a family I can make disappear with this. They hate. We can't do that. Now we can't now we can't sell it. That's what I mean? You can't. And I'm like this. You're going to blow me tonight, right, honey? You're going to blow me tonight, right honey? And it's the same energy I had when I was at 15 at Smokies with a Z being like, oh, then I'll be like this. I'm going to get so high. And the guys like, dude, come on. Now I can't sell to you, 15-year-old kid.

Yeah, but you go, fuck you. Watch your firearm. Yeah. Just whispering stuff to yourself. Fuck you. I told you. I told you, I told you revenge would be mine. Who's the fat, who's got fat tits now, Eddie?

Stay asleep. Stay the fuck asleep. I got $411 for this gun. Start doing this worst stuff where you go, baby, I know this is scary. Get in the car. We got to go away from mommy. Hold on. This does feel natural.

Baby go, baby the car is ready. Clyde me and my daughter. 97. Just the two of us. Just you and I. Say, Mama. Hey, are you singing Bonnie and Clyde 97?

Because I can't know. No, no, no. I was singing Zizi Talk. I was just a little baby boy, Mommy. You're not allowed to sing Eminem and look at guns. Yeah, they're like,

no, you got to give me that. Sorry, dude. You can't, like they point to a sign. It's like no M&M, Slim Shady LP album. Wayne's ruled when he does stairway to heaven.

Hey, buddy, we got a strict rule. Because guns are fun. I lived in Arizona. I grew up in Colorado. where like, Coo Coo Cache app.

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Sutton Debit Flex Card, and Bank Cor, Debit Flex Card, cash app green features, savings, direct deposit, roundups, overdraft coverage, and discounts provided by Cash App, a block incorporated brand. Visit cash.app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosure. Square, square in the business you own, now make money. I remember back in the day, I used to go on the road with Bobby Kelly, and I would sell T-shirts for them, and I was horrible at it. And people would be like, oh, here, I have a debit card.

And I'd be like, yeah, it's $20 cash. And they'd be like, well, I don't have cash. And I'd be like, well, it was nice meeting you. And now all I'd do was get a square. You get a square. You put it on your phone. Bloop bloop. Tap's your credit card.

You see how much you paid. You get it all the breakdown right there. Square is a platform behind the scenes. so many businesses you already love, whether it's someone selling t-shirts at a comedy club, whether they're cutting hair, fixing bikes, or running a boutique. Square gives them one connected system to take payments, manage inventory, and run payroll, send invoices, and track it all from one place. No contracts, no hidden fees, no complicated installs, just tools that accept every major payment,

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And it's the first time you're disciplined. I think that's what's important. Yeah. It's being yelled at by a man as a boy about gun safety where you feel stupid. Yes. Because what happened is I had the rifle and you're always supposed to keep it pointed up, finger off the trigger or whatever. And I was fucking like nine years old. And I went like that and he went, what the fuck?

Like which is how you're supposed to react. Right. And then it's, and I was like, oh, you know, that thing were like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not a perfect boy. And your uncle's like, no. And your uncle's like, no, dude, you're just aiming a gun at everybody. Yeah.

And you're like, yeah. And then I grew up and then would go to ranges in Arizona, dude. I'd wake up hungover and just go to, go shoot. It's like a massage in Arizona. Yeah. It's an Arizona massage. Yeah. It's just feeling the ring of it.

$40 worth of ammo out there. They love, they do. That's where I shot a lot with the administrative results guys. And they took it so seriously. You know when you drive in Arizona, you see the highway and they're like, where are we going to shoot these things? They're like, you know, when you drive down the highway, they're like, we're going to go like up there, like, into a hill.

And we just took the amount of guns that was taken out on a table. And they were like, yeah, this is, I was like, how the fuck do you guys have all? Like this is, this, you could take over a fucking small country with this amount of, like, 18 guys and this much firepower could literally, you could take over like parts of, like, Albania, like cities and so. I mean, good luck. Yeah, no, right am I talking about. Yeah, what am I.

Never mind. You see what they're doing to a vodka and Jared Kushner. Yeah. They're like, come get this island. Yeah. like pushing trailers off cliffs and shit. It comes up in my feet and I watch every second of it. Albanians are the toughest motherfuckers in the world.

They would fuck me up. I'm sorry I said that. Who is this motherfucker talking talking? This man thinks he's so strong and powerful and he gross. Why don't you come here and try to take what I have? I will take the double-headed eagle. We'll kill you. A falconer kills me.

It's like, yeah! They are the toughest. Vecione. He don't Mike Vecione. I lived with him for 10 years. he's obsessed with mafia shit, like obsessed with mafia. There was a guy that used to work at Gotham Comedy Club

that was a retired NYPD, but what he specifically did was he turned informants. That's what he did for the NYPD for like 30 or 40 years. Wow. So he would turn guys. He was a rat maker. Yeah. Rat king.

Rat king. He would fucking, you all now a rat. But he said, he's like, terrified. He fucking, I don't know what I got.

He, But he'd explain to Mike how each family work. Like the Italians. Yeah, the Colombo or the colon. But if you got an Italian, how you would get him is go, hey, listen, we're not going to fuck with your family. Your family can keep the money. You're just going to help us get a case over a guy above you.

So they always knew to go with the family. Yeah. Like he said with like, I think, and again, this is like a story that Vecchioon told me over 10 years ago. But he said like the Asian, like the triads and the yakuza. Couldn't crack him. No, he could, but it was all about honor and respect. Like respectfully, whatever information you give us, and then we, like kind of like almost like

like a business deal, he said the ones you couldn't crack were the Albanians. Really? The Albanians were like, the Albanian mob was like, they said a thing of like, if you join it, we, you have to have people that live in Albania. Yeah. So that if you rat, they just kill them. No way. Yeah, they go like, well, we're just going to wipe out your whole family and they go.

And the guy from the NYPD was like, never got one. No way. Never got an Albanian. I heard that about the Chinese guys in Providence where you pull over a Chinese kid, kid with a gun from Boston. Yeah. And they don't say one word. And he's got,

he's got the accent. He's like, what the fuck are you doing? You're pulling me over here. Fuck are you doing? I wasn't fucking speeding. I wasn't even driving. Well,

hey, do you like apples? Come on, you're Chinese. He's like, well, I got nothing to say to you. How do you like them apples?

But they would say nothing. It was hard. horrifying. They wouldn't just, they wouldn't roll. Like that, that's like from, that story from the mob guys that from Providence, they were like the Chinese, the cop mob guys. Yeah. It would be like, no, no. They say no words from the time you stop them, find the gun to the four years

through. They just sit there and take it. Yeah. And then when they're done, they probably when they're done sitting on it. They don't even probably get a giant party like Italians do. Where there's women with boas on and shit. It's just an old Chinese guy smoking a marble 100. And he goes, that's it.

So I'm just, I'll show you all. And he goes, oh. And then he leaves. Just gets in a car. It does four years. Yeah. That's what it is. No party.

I mean, the Albanians, I'm, you know, you're at, who's the, who's the most peaceful country in the world then? Is Denmark? Who's the easiest one to conquer? Denmark. Denmark. Here's the thing. You want to say Scandinavia.

Yeah. But then all you got to do is look into the history and go, oh, you turn them on. You're in trouble. Yeah. I think they're pleasant. people. I went to Stockholm, which I loved. And I wanted to, oh, I love Sweden. Were they nice to you? They're unbelievable.

I lived in Stockholm for a month. Really? And they, yeah, I lived in Lilja Homan, which is right near. By the way, good luck pronouncing it. Yeah, yeah. I'm half Swedish and I can't pronounce it. Really? Yeah. They're like, they go, oh, it's shooter. Like how they say my last name.

Like, oh, it's shooter. And they go, no, it's shooter. I've said this before. It's so frustrating because I'm like, how am I saying it wrong? I'm saying it just like you are. And the girls are so gorgeous. Gorgeous. And I remember being there and they were like everybody, I went, I left on Thanksgiving night. I dated a girl a long time ago and I went to go see her. And she was in Sweden?

She went to the Stockholm School of Economics. I was like, why did I, you ever date a girl? And then cool life, dude. It was a cool life. She was a cellist. You ever date a girl and then stopped dating a girl? And then be like, why the fuck did I stop dating that girl? And then the second year in date minute one, you're like, oh, that's right.

Because you get drunk and you turn into a huge bitch. Yeah. Oh, shit. I like literally forgot that. And then when she was walking up to me, in the Stockholm train station. I was like, oh, yeah, that's right. You got totally annihilated. And then made me and my guys, like, I had a landscape coming made me and my guys like move furniture for you. And you like, you bossed us around for two weeks. And I hated you. And I was like, shit.

And now I'm already like living with her. That returning anxiety. Yes. Where you go, oh no, I forgot this. This is how you make me feel. And now I'm fucking regretting it. I'm in your apartment and I don't like you. And I'm living in a Lillia home and with her for like, it was like two weeks. Then we went to Amsterdam. But I remember, like, we were trying to party. and like smoke weed and shit and I was like they weren't sharing their weed with me I was fat I mean I was like this but I felt like I was 1900 pounds

Yeah they're all that build Lean yeah they're tall and lean Yeah it's like pecking not all of them Some Swedes are chubby some that came to America My family was big for some reason Really? I have fat Swedish family gets him out of here What's he goes Outsch o blungga blunga blunga you can't call us that

That's what they say we're walking towards him Oh gee oh yeah I thought a blungo blungga Go, no, go. Hey, Sven, not fucking cool. Yeah, don't call me. Peter. Yeah. They're like, Homer Simpson is over here eating most of the cheeseburger.

Oh, look how, don't breathe around him or eat it. He'll eat your breasts because he's so hungry. He eats your breath, the breast eater. That's what you find out. They call you the breath eater. Well, that's what a skinny kid told me. I'm outside having a cigarette with it. One kid was cool, and I was having a cigarette with him.

And he's in a T-shirt, and I'm in a fucking Army duffel coat, basically, like, and wrapped up. And I'm like, like, like, trying to, rip a button. He's like, you need to control your breathing. And I'm like, what? He's like, you need to control your breathing. You don't control it. And I was like, I was like, what the fuck? This kid's like 111 pounds. Skinny as I'll get out. And I'm like, oh, cool, this is fun. And I'm getting called fat. That is the thing that America needs more of is the European confidence. Yeah. And stuff like that to tell other people what they're doing wrong.

Yeah. Because in America, you go, hey, buddy, what's going on? You cold? You had that cigarette? And he goes, you need to breathe. Your breathing is off because your heart, heart palpitations, because your blood pressure is too high because your diet is poor.

That's why you were embarrassed when you wanted to take your, they take their shoes off in the house. And I don't know, you remember like poor health, I don't know if you guys, just like your feet stink when you're like a fucking shit box.

Yeah. And my feet are, dude, my feet are groating. Really? I'm starting to work on them. Somehow it went away. I don't know as I got old maybe my diet changed.

But like, and I was like, oh, cool, I have to take my feet off. And I'm trying to, Even though I can't stand this girl, I'm still trying to have sex with her. Yes, she's going to smell my feet and she wants to kill herself. Like, my feet smell like so bad.

I remember there was a good one time I took my shoes off at a party and this girl started crying. She was like, why did they smell like that? She was all coked out. Oh my gosh. She's like, you're bumming me out. Why did you rape me? Imagine being on coke and buckling because of the smell of feet. Like the oily, like when your socks crust under your toes smell.

You know when like they get like that. You know, after a day. What the fuck are you? doing me. The socks are hard. How did you, how did you leave the Swedish girl? I just was,

we went to, we went to Amsterdam. And I had like $4,000 to my name and like, we went out and we did Amsterdam night one. We went to like boom Chicago, like an improv. I had just got done UC Beast improv. So I was like,

let's go see an improv show. Dude, this will be fat. Oh, this is. So we go there and it's the fucking worst show I've ever seen. I'm, this is like pre-stand-up,

anything. heckling. I'm being kind of a dick. Well, because you don't, you said you took the improv class. Yeah, I did the month intensive at UCB in L.A. I can't, I can't imagine, like, the energy of coming out of an improv class and then seeing an improv class where you go. I can do that, too. Yeah.

I can do that too. Oh, they're doing zib, zabs up. I know how to do that. Yeah. Yeah, they clear the scene where the guy walks in front. Watch. This old hat. Oh, watch.

This guy's going to come out. He's going to be a chair. It's going to be inanimate object time. Hold on. Watch this. But also, bad improv is so much worse than bad stand-up. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Bad stand-up, you pity the guy or a girl. You just go like, fuck, this sucks. Yeah. This just sucks. You lost the room. No one cares. Bad improv, it feels like you're at Friends Kids recital. That's exactly what it felt like.

Where you go, I'm upset at everybody here right now. It felt like you were at like the IBM luncheon or something like that. And they're like, heard everybody. We'll get me in it. Like that energy and shit. We've had some problems with the food court. So we put together a little sketch to show you how to get rid of your waist.

Kyle. And then he steps in. Oops. This goes donkey. Let me check if it's recyclable. And you're just sitting there with a psychotic swede who's like, I really don't like your friends. This guy's being kind of rude to the performance. And we were just like, fuck it, Lousie.

But the tickets were like $100. I remember like, I remember the. the first night we were out. It was like my, my turn was first night. She was going to pay for second night. First night we spent like $1,100. We went to like the Anne Frank Museum.

Yeah. And of course I have the inappropriate comments where I'm like, this place is huge. Yeah. I'm like this would be $3,800 a month in New York. I don't know if I would think everyone's heart's good if I lived in this fucking place. That's funny.

You know what's funny of those? The Scruff Realtreletor was popping out. Yeah. That's like the beginning of, that was the early onset. That's like, you're like showing signs. What the fuck is this?

Six families living here? Big deal. This is, it's literally bigger. Like the Anne Frank, the hiding area was bigger than this. And then Anne Frank, so the one part of it was Anne would write in one of the rooms. Like Anne Frank supposedly wrote in one of the rooms. And like she would, they would clear out the room for her to write. Damn, that's how you know she was spitting.

And then, yeah. And then. And then she saw Anne Frank doing her diary looking out the window and put it to eight vile. She was, bam, bam, bam, bam, look in her ballpoint pen. Today it took another family. I heard him. I pointed out of him. I saw George Soros.

I'm an Nazi, Ate, Ate, Ate, Ate, Ate, Ate, Ate, Ate, Ate, Ane. Amon, are you doing your rhymes? Yes. George Soros was an anointed, pointed. I'm Soros, Moros. He's causing wars because he's George Soros pointing. Oh, that's real good stuff. She's spitting in Z.

Oh, let's clear it out. Clear it out. Anne's got pause. Give her room she's cooking. Oh, if they come by, I'll say you can't. That's the cooking. So, well, just cooking up there. Cooking up rhymes.

Yeah, but so you go do all the big things. We do all the big things. The next day, like, we woke up. But I remember being like, I was like, poor. And she was clearly a rich girl. Like her mom was a realtor in Sweden. She was like, she had bread. And I was like, all right, what do you want to do today?

She's like, let's go find me some socks. Oh. I was like, like, ugh. Like, she did it just like that too. And I was like, no, I want to eat like English breakfast and smoke weed and eat the weird mushrooms. And like, let's go to the hind. Can you tour today.

Yes. And like do that or something. And she was like, no, let's, I want to buy a sweater. They have the best wool here. And I was like, and I was like, I don't, this isn't working. And then we just took a, like a London, we took a train. I remember we took a train. We took a flight, Orion Air flight back.

I packed my shit. And then I went back to Amsterdam and stayed there for three weeks by myself. Hell yeah. It was the best. Break up Amsterdam. Stayed there. It was on, I remember getting so fucked up every night living in a $12 hostel and just falling downstairs all the time.

Yeah. Did you? How long, how long? you're in Sweden for? I was only there for a week. Did you tour there on comedy? No. Oh, I went to go see Queens of the Stone Age. Whoa. They played at Grunolund, which was like, oh my God, I love the Gruneloon. It's a Grunelund, but it's an outdoor, it's like a six flags, but it's like a historical six flags. Really? It's like all these bands have played there, like historic, like Jimmy Hendricks and the Beatles and shit. Really? And Queens of the Stone Age was there, and I was like, fuck it, dude, I want to go to Sweden. So my buddy from Colorado came with me. And we did Sweden for four or five days. and then we went to Amsterdam for five days, met up with DJ Lou from the bonfire, saw Pearl Jam at the arena,

and then went to Iceland for five days. Get out of here. Iceland, Reykivik was the shit. And then we saw Sugar Ray at Iceland, Reykivik at the Blue Lagoon. We went with whitest and lamest. We were going downhill from here. And then we did, oh, who does steal my sunshine?

I was trying to think. Len. Len. And then we saw Len in Iceland. Len was there, and they had fastball playing and opening up for them with the cardigans. I was lying on the bait. Monday morning.

We're like, this is the best trip ever. No, it's not. Reykavik was the shit, though. Really? And we went there

during World Cup 2018. Wow. And Iceland tied with Argentina. Oh, and it was like, fuck that, you don't realize there's not a lot of people.

The population is amazingly low. Yeah. Iceland can be conquered with the guns. That there it is. We found it. Yeah, it's Iceland. But again,

yeah, you activate that thing in them. Yeah. That fucking sail to, that island thousands of years ago. Yeah. And I don't think they need guns. I think they rock smash everyone's

like, killed by a woman with a rock. Like a butt naked woman with like eating your flesh. With a weird face paint thing where you go, I don't, is she connected? Is she connected to nature?

Ah! It's the girl from the knife is playing. Dude, there was a, like stayed in an Airbnb and it was like, there was a restaurant under and they just like didn't care about.

us in a way that made us go there every day. But they were like, well, what do you want to fish stew? And you're like, please, it was really good. Yeah. And I was like, the fish stew. And there was one girl there that I was like, she's come with me to America. Like in my head. She was so hot.

I was like, come with me to America. I'll make you a queen. If you ever been in New York City, it'll be like fucking crocodile Dundee, but with an Icelandic bitch. Yeah. I would have been a cool look. You come on with like, she's got a little bangs and shit. Like, whoa, so does new chicks fucking crazy.

I go, I think she's related to Bjork. They're all related. A little bit. She's my cousin's cousin's friend. It is very nice to be here in Queens with you. Make a cloud your friend. I don't like the train above me, but I ride it with you. You hate her in a week?

Shut up. Why do you talk like that? Oh, God. She was so fucking hot. I hate her. Everyone says the best pizza in New York is Joe's, but I don't think that's true. No, it's far. Have you ever been to Sponoli Gardens in Brooklyn?

I go, everyone, I hate you. I can't stand. Shut up, you fucking girls. I like the Pandara bread. I go to Dunkin' Donuts and the Indian ladies, ask me if I want a coffee. I laugh at them.

I can't stand. Orca is so annoying. My brother-cousin's coming to visit if that's okay. He's huge and buff. He's huge and buff and he lifts me for exercise. He's taller than you, Mr. Tallman,

dance soda. Look at your boobs. Look at you boobies. He does not have boobs. Your boobs are probably big. Oh, do you have a baby in your belly? God, she does this during sucks. Oh, God, and it makes me come so fast.

She comes ink. You look that, it looks like a bick pen blew up on your dick. At this point, in water, you would be confused, and I would be gone too nice to be confused. I'm a big knife fan. All the knife people are going to be like, you know, how the fuck does he know that? It was cool as fuck, though, and I would love you about.

to Reykavik. Yeah, I mean, you should, you could. I said it to Ari and then when you say something like that to Ari, it usually becomes a thing. He's like, all right, we're going to go now. He'll be like, when? And I'm like, I don't know. And it'll be like, summer. And you go, yeah.

And he's like, and then I guarantee by next summer, he's like, we're going to do a show to Reykavik. I booked it. Yeah. He's awesome for that. He likes that European tour. He does anywhere in the world. Really?

Anywhere in the world. Oh, gosh. He's as far as my friends, like the most balliest traveler I know. Yeah, that's, traveling to other countries is cool. I like traveling alone to those, but I'm a married guy now. So that shit, that ship sailed. If you, now that you're married and I'm entering the arena soon is, um, the forum of hell. No, it's kidding.

Where up? Welcome to hell, Dan. You thought it was going to be funny. I ain't going to lie to you, pal. It fucking sucks. You go, it's a non-stop battle. I'm fighting with my wife right now. She comes down like Tom.

bruise right through your window she's the couch yeah she's in the couch she becomes arms talking shit up she got a tampon string hanging by the way I've been waiting here for a week and you're pathetic too Dan I got you married a bitch she remembers like one bad thing you did you're like maybe at one time you didn't say thank you for the cookies I go I fuck it they all knew they all remembered you're not allowed there anymore tip on strings winged could you ever pitch to your wife that you're going to go somewhere I uh by myself and been like, you're going to go travel. Yeah, right.

I'd be like, I'd be like, I'd be like, I'd be like, I'd be like, Puerto Rican pit bull breeding part of the world. Like San Juan, Puerto Rican pit bull kennels with stakes wrapped around my cock and balls. I would have a better success rate of me walking out of their unscathed and be like, you know what I'm thinking? I really want to go to Ireland. By myself. I want to go to Cork Island and get fucked up by myself for a week and play golf that.

I don't even care about playing just so I can get fucked up. And she'd be like, what is that is that's like her going i'm going to a couple's massage with my ex that i still have sexual chemistry with literally remember yeah what yeah what yeah the tall one with the 12 inch yeah she goes remember the one that i using my phone is ouch ice pack him and i are going to get rubbed together by hot oil so so you cool with that too i'm we're going to do that in our living room yeah i'm irons sure is cool this time of year well they fly direct out of problems Providence.

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That's got to be. I mean, it's so because we just. We just built a house together. And I never wanted to cave my wife's fucking skull in more than every single night that we were building a house. And I wanted to stand up on our bed. Like, like, this is what I wanted to do every night. I wanted to stand up on our bed like this and just drop a fucking cinder block. Just squatter.

Just like drop, just let it fall where it wouldn't kill her. It would just be like, like a corner of a sun. And you go, hey, babe, I can't see color anymore. I think there's a real problem. Oh my God. How did this cinder block get in here? Oh my God. The cinder block fell right through the roof,

but also didn't make a move when it came through the ceiling. The wood framed house that we have once cinder block is here, that's so crazy. Were you just watching Dateline back to back to back? Yeah, trying to figure out

like how to decompose a body. These guys got it all wrong. Yeah, dude, you got to feed her to pigs like the guy from snatch. Yeah, he's like, never, hench the thing, Grady as a peak. Do you,

No, but like, when the house was built, Did it? It was over immediately. But during it, it would be, it was, you know what it was? It was decision fatigue. Sure. And it was like this, that, that, it wasn't her fault.

It was truly my fault. I'm a bad communicator. That's, that's code. Every guy knows how to say that. Yeah, I'm a bad communicator. That's like, uh, A.A. Where he's like a friend of ours. Yeah, yeah.

It was his friend of ours. And you go, it's like the mob. Yeah. You go, I'm a bad communicator. So just let you know. You know, I'm wanting you. Something I'm working on. It's like white nighting for,

like shit you don't do. Yeah. But it was just the decision fatigue and like, but during that time, it was like, she would just, it would be like an anti-plan with no plan and then the fights would, it would just be like hockey fight immediately. I would be hockey goon fight every night. And it's, it's just. But when the house was finished, all over.

You were like, we got crazy back there. Yeah, we, that was tough. It's like we were both at a hungry on a road trip. Yeah. Where you start hockey fighting. Yep. We'll be like this and you go, there's a McDonald's. And she's like, yeah, I say McDonald's.

You don't fucking, you never give her a, how about you give a solution? Yeah. Why don't you give a solution instead of just asking that there's more fucking problems? She's like, oh, so this is how you want to fucking communicate. And then you're like, yeah, yeah, right. And then cut to a half hour later where you're eating Wendy's and you go. The Asiago bacon chicken ranch really is good. You're right.

These actually are fired. These are you guys. Do you mind if I tip my fries and you're frosty? You can fucking do that shit. And then you're being cute again. Is that what it was? Is that what it was like after the house is going? Yeah.

It was like that time. I've never fought harder. Like it was the, it's one of those things where like it's like liking pussy and then owning a gynecology office. Sure. It's like, oh,

I really, oh, girls are hot and pussy's cool. Yeah. I think I'm going to be a gynecologist in the most obese area of the country. They're all so fucked up. They're all sweaty and they smell like a bag of wet mosquitoes.

Stan who used to have a joke where he was like, Dr. Drew. He's on an old album. I think it's on the album before he turned the gun on himself, but Stanhope's like, Dr. Drew specializes in celebrity addictions. He's like, that's like being a gynecologist that specializes in 19-year-old, hairless, stinkless pussy. That's exactly what it is.

I fucking love Stanhope. That is a damn good joke. But yeah, man, that is the building a house. What is the fight that you get that? What's the common? What's the, I'm a communication. And the thing that I do is go, the go away without her is the one where I, is the one where I go like, like if I were just going to be like, yeah, I'm going to go to L.A.

for a week and stay at McDaniels, then I'm going to go to a Chargers game and probably just hang out. She'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, she's going to probably stay out there for like over a week. Whoa. What about the dog? That's when you're like, I don't know, you could probably figure it out. That would just, I think she comes, she's from Boston.

She comes swinging at me. Yeah, yeah. You can hear like bones in her. Yeah. She'd be like, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, just this is what she's going on she would do this like you look over her shoulder she's googling this it's just other guys cocks oh look other guys cocks oh cool uh new york uh new york specifically uh between the streets of 15th and 31st near me near me near me is the one there you

go oh oh oh yeah i don't know man there is what i obviously that's allowed it's the bet no hell no i'd kill her i'd kill them all no no i'm saying that no no not that you have you Bend to McDaniel. No. We always go together. It's fun. She likes sports. She's into sports.

Yeah, she works in sports. So it's like great. It's very fun. I want to talk about it. You're McDaniel's boy. Yeah. He's a Chargers guy now. Yeah, he's the offensive coordinator of the Chargers.

The quarterback in my high school is Liam Cohen from the Jacksonville Jaguars head coach. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Duval. Duval. Yeah. You went to high school with him? He's my high school quarterback.

No way. Yeah. Dude, he's the guy. He was great last season. They did it very good. last year. That kid is a wrong bet. The worst introductory press conference I've ever seen in my life. Media training,

needed, you know, he, I think they's, yeah. And please find the clip and edited it in. When he got announced as the head coach of the Jaguars, obviously they have a chant there of Duval. They cooked his ass for that. Yeah, you can hear it in the stadium if you watch the games and you're listening for it.

But now it's like a thing. Then they, then he's like, oh, but watch me win. Yeah, he really did. He went like, Duval. And everyone was like, no. And then this motherfucker Turn that team around. You don't like 14 wins?

Why don't you? Suck my fucking cock! How about I put 14 on you, you cock suckers? With this fucking hair rag tag team From who gives a fuck Florida? I mean, Trevor Lawrence was like, thank God this nerd panned out. Yeah.

Do you know who else had a bad introductory press conference from this season was the head coach? I'm with Sean Murphy this weekend and he's a Bill's fan. But the Bill's head coach, he was on like Pat McAfee or he was on like a,

a show and he was like talking about being the head coach and he went honestly bro i just can't wait till we're like playing 7 v7 and you know or he's like we're doing team scrimmage and our defense picks our offense and i can't wait just to go talk shit to our offense and everyone was like what and he was like it's gonna be sick it is it's it's it was a cringe moment where i've been like that yeah so i was able to identify that where you're trying to be something you're Like he's like I want to be like these Pat Maccvie bro guys. Yes. Yes. I'm going to be like a quick say say something a barstool guy would say. It's it's the same as watching Zuckerberg lock up when Rogan asked him what kind of bow and arrow he uses. Yeah. Which is the one of the greatest clips of all time. What does he say? He's like, well, you know, I've been really enjoying bull hunting lately and Rogan goes, yeah, that's cool. What kind of bow do you use? And Zuckerberg's like, um, I, um, I, um, I, um, I, I, um, I, um, I, And then, like, Rogan's, like, trying to help him. And he's like, oh, it doesn't matter, man, Simone.

He goes, yeah, it's just really good. And then it's, and he's like, so you don't know, like, what kind of brand it is? He's like, no. It's just one of those moments where you're like, how is this motherfucker one of the richest guy? Like, what a nerd? He's a nerd.

I don't know. They set the arrows up for me. Just please help get me on this conversation. I don't like when my feet touch the actual ground. I don't believe in grounding at all. That's what sucks is we let, like, The shit that you talk about being like nine to 12 years old fucking collecting money on Saturday mornings Did you go to flea markets a lot? I did a ton of flea markets a kid that went to a flea market

I can identify it Yeah, that's how you're so good at picking out shit all this stuff got here Yeah 100% What's the piece what's the piece of the resistance on here? I mean this is Those are like old school LGN and the fan sent me to that when we were doing the bonfire I would probably say either that or This custom made thing from a fan it's Queens of the Stone Age art this guy made at Alabama. This guy in Huntsville.

It's signed down on the bottom. You had to have... Yeah, to Dan from Dave. Dave, three of four. Three of four. Hell yeah. And I was... We were supposed to get Josh Homme

from Queens of the Stone Age on the podcast. And if it ever does happen, I think I'm going to give them that. And hopefully Dave doesn't take offense because I think that'd be pretty cool. He's like, I'll send you another one. Yeah, he's like, but that's what I like, oh, the Eureka's Castle.

Those were Pizza Hut things where... That used to sell if you bought Pizza Hut, there were Pizza Hut puppets in the early 90s. Yeah, I remember. I kind of... I can you remember these. Yeah. So Katie was, I wasn't into it, but Katie was super into it.

And then when she did Celebrity Jeopardy, I surprised her by buying the whole set online. What have you, have you bought anything crazy? No. That's my favorite question to ask like guys who are doing well. I'm like, what, nothing yet? Silly. No. Couch.

Oh, I mean like. Stupid money couch? No. Dude, everything. I, you know what it is is I'm so afraid of going back to waiting tables. Yep. The only big, really big purchases I've made are like for family members that need shit. Like that's like my mom.

I bought her an HVAC unit. I bought like, I've done stuff to my mom's townhouse. Yeah. That's that stuff. Like I. Family members that need money, friends that need money. Yeah. But I haven't.

Nothing. Dude. They will get nothing. That's good. That's what I should have done. Not my mom can get whatever she wants. But cousin, all my cousins, you get nothing. Well, so what's funny is my mom's side.

Yeah. they do well enough they're fine they don't need dad's side there's like three of us yeah there's two of us they pop out of the woodwork she was no she's that's the reason I give her shit yeah is because she was like dude I'm just happy we're back in each other's lives I love you I miss you and then you go what do you need I know I know I'm ready to do a little bit hot time right now baby she hits you with some keynote shit yeah she goes but you know what really have why don't we go down to the casino why don't you take out five thousand dollars cash and you just sit next to me and me watch me win and it's just watch me it's like binging big big ming it's like

Wheel of Fortune, I'm hitting it. I do double time, three X, four X, Terry's. I'm not into watches. Yep. I'm not into cars because I live in New York City. So you're cool. But I'm saving to, that's probably where my call is going to come into you. It's when we buy a house.

Where do you guys want to live? Probably Dobbs Ferry or like Terrytown. Dude, Terrytown is, who was telling me? There's some really fucking cool houses. Andy Haynes will move to Terrytown. Did he? Yeah. Really?

And like Andy Haynes is so funny. I'm like, you would move to Terry Town. Like I love fucking with him. He's like, he has like the whiteest. guy, one of the whitest people I know. Terrytown sounds like somewhere where you can only skip or you get a ticket if you don't. Well, hold on now. Yeah.

You know it's Tuesdays and smiles are mandatory. I've got to write you a ticket. Oh, how much is the ticket for? It's for a hug. It's for a hug. You wish you cucumber sandwich. And a happy Terrytown day to you. Yeah.

And there are like pretty shady parts. I've been up there. Really? Yeah. It's like nice, but there are some parts. It's like some backdoor violins and stuff like that. Yeah. Some backdoor.

Powdered wigs. I think you snuck into this choir reception and you go, I did. Clearly, I filled out the forums. I talked to Claire and Eunice. But, uh, Dobbs's fair. I want something along the Hudson. Yeah,

yeah, no, great. I want to get a good house on the Hudson, like near the Hudson. I was there literally Monday last Thursday. I went to fucking deer mountain in and had a fucking meal that blew my socks. I was eating butter with,

oh my God. The deer mountain in is so fucking underrated. It's in, uh, Hunter, New York. Okay. And it's in the mountains. And then we stayed in.

in Wyndham Resort in the Wilder Hotel. Great. And I go to Hudson for the Antiques Trail. Yeah. Rinebeck to Hudson all the way up to Troy. Should we go up to the Catskills? We go up to like Phoenicia. Phenicia?

Yeah, like a little bit outside of Phoenicia and like over in that area. Have you been to Saratoga Springs? Yeah. It's that's like a, it's the second drunken city in America. I didn't know that because I was sitting there. Behind what Key West? Wisconsin. The, I think it's, I think it's Madison maybe or that makes sense.

Madison. They fucking boo. Have not been to Madison yet. One of the best cities in the country. I can believe it. Madison fucking rules. I love every time I go through the comedy club, they're comedy on States.

It's fantastic, but it's just a cool-ass fucking town. What's your favorite town in America? That's like a Madison. What's your favorite? Like, they party hard, they rip. Madison might be it. Yeah.

You know what it was? Back in the day, it used to be Austin, like in 08, 2009. Oh, wow. Austin used to be real fun. It used to be really like hippie-ish. Yeah.

was kind of fun. I love Eugene Oregon. Wow. Eugene Oregon was the shit. I'm doing it in the fall. It's the best. It's so pretty. It's like I get.

Genuinely, it's the first place I went to that I go, I might run away here. I would rim sloth to have a house there. Yeah. He's like,

feels good. Baby more. I didn't think I'd like this kind of not my way. You're done and he goes, you know it's just an act, right? I put on the Superman shirt

and I pretend. Yeah. He goes, he's handsome. He's handsome. Wow. But Eugene, I was like,

we did the show there, and I was there for an extra day before I went down to the Bay Area, and I was like, I could really, and everything was affordable. Now, money's not a problem.

Yeah. I would live in Marin County. Oh, you like that? I would live in Mill Valley. Specifically, Mill Valley. Oh, like,

uh, what's it? We just, I just filmed my special there at the Throck Morton Theater. Hell yeah. It was fucking awesome. They like your finance background. Well, it was funny is my dad worked at a liquor store down the street from the theater.

So I used to be there a bunch when I was a kid. So that's the reason the lady liked us from the theater is she was like, I was like, I was like, I used to stay here when I was a kid. And she was like, my dad worked at the liquor store. And she was like, what liquor store? I was like Dan's liquor store. And she was like, oh, okay. What years?

I was like 90 to 94. And she was like, oh. Well, yeah, come on. I'll show you. She was like immediately. She was so cool after that. Wow. She puts her hair up in a ponytail.

She starts looking at you. Remember that? Your dad spotted me a fifth. I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, you got a problem, huh? There's only eight bucks. You can keep it. But what about you? What's your foot?

I like, the most fun I've had, I just had a lot of fun in the Carolinas was really wild. Charlotte was pretty good. I've heard Hilton Head is the shit. I haven't been there. I haven't done the coast yet, but I have fun in Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh, all right. Pittsburgh rips. Like, we were in Polish Hill getting fucked up.

And like, you know when you have like, tattoo guy that looks like a bad version of us like full sleeves and he's like this guy's gonna be a fucking dick and he was he was like the nicest guy he's like hey man what can i get you and i was like uh craft craft craft pills near and he's like yeah i have a pretty good craft pilsner by a local guy here you go i mean they're three bucks and i was like three dollars for a beer i'll give i'll take 30 please you know i love that i you find that in chicago you find that in pittsburg sacramento sacramento Sacramento, you can see a guy and be like, this guy's going to be a fucking problem. He's like, hey, what's up, man?

I collect Alien versus Predator Comics. And you're like, okay, you're a different guy than I thought you were in. Damn it. I thought you were going to MMA my ear off. Yeah. Thank you. I love that. I love guys that look fucking dangerous and are actually like super nice.

Sweetie pies. It's like big dogs that are nice. Yeah. Oh, you don't have to be nice. A cane corso that's licking me? That's great. Kane Corso scare the shit out of me. Yeah, they are fucking.

Rotwilers. I love Rottweilers, but I get tense around them. Yeah, I mean, there's nothing to not. It's a fuck. It's like being next to an excavator. Like it's like having your head next to tank tracks. Yeah, you know, the secondest thing decides that it doesn't like me. We're all, there's nothing any of us can do.

It's going to rip my lower mandible off. I'm going to like, oh, no. Give it speeches where you're like, have a, like a, they put a handkerchief in front of where it's gone. And you go, Hank's, okay. My name is Dan Thugger. Don't trust dogs. Are you, so Pittsburgh's one of your cities. Pittsburgh.

I like the Ohio. I like the Ross Belt. from like buffalo Pittsburgh Rochester rules Syracuse was kind of fun but there's nothing to eat there but Albany fucking is really fun

is late. I'm gonna be in Albany next week Are you playing? Two weeks. Funny Bone. Oh yeah. Funny bone baby. Yeah.

I fucking, that's, I have a good ass fucking. I have to return to the clubs in the mall to dip my sword in the river. Yeah. Stand up. That's what you always have to do.

You have to go back and forge your iron in the rivers. I like that. I'm happy for you to do that. I'm like, that's so cool. Yeah. We go, I'm going to walk by Azumis.

And as my blade gathered strength. Strengthen, and I forge. Made of new tungsten steel. Yeah, that's it. Those are the forges. Yeah. The malls are forges where you make your blade fucking sharp. And they're like, they have like that same like ruthless sentiment of like the Troy, New York is a similar.

Troy Albany is very similar to like, you know, mill town. Like I call it like white mill trash. Like just mill shit. Yeah. And like they're great. Those are the great people. Everybody gets along. There's really no, like, everybody seems tough, but they're super sweet.

I feel like that was, that's the thing that could fix this country is you just killed off a couple billionaires and took their money and flooded those areas with like, insurance and like, you know, stuff. Yeah. Stuff that they need, like a factory to build stuff. Just give them loans, let them figure it out. Like, here's the deal. We're going to do zero percent.

Hey, do you have a tattoo on your girlfriend's back of a, of a fucking dream catcher of your kid's footprint? How's a zero percent loan sound? Guess what? That gets you 0% loan. How's that? Hey, you fixing your boy's car in your driveway? Good news, dude.

How's $135,000 at 0% for 30 years, son? Roll a cigarette off six butts you just found on the ground. Congratulations, 0%. You go, Corey. This is fucking sick. Are you kidding me right now? Yeah, honestly, there's going to be a guy. It all turns back into Stivo.

Everything turns back to Steveo. Fox sobriety. I'm going on. What's up? I'm Steveo, and this is small business loan. Coming from some dear. That's his thing. I'm going to try to get pre-approved at this bank.

Fuck it. We don't even need pre-approvals. It's chill as fuck. Those billionaires giving us money? Hell yeah. I can open up my garage, put a lift in it. But Bezos and Elon and all them could make so many people their, like, undying, like,

just die-hard fans. If they just went like, yeah, $4 billion, hey, Russ Belt, things are better. I'm coming your way. I'm coming your way. Or Bezos is like, my sexy lizard lady. has told me that you guys need money. I've brought it for you.

He's a guy that's so on steroids. That's like, remember the first, I don't know if you were ever friends with nerds, but there's like a moment in a nerd's life where they like kind of get out of it for a little bit. If you were friends with nerds in high school, I had like my friends, but I was friends with a couple nerds.

And a couple of them joined the military. And then they got in shape. It was right after 9-11. So they got some pussy. And then they got pussy and you saw them go like, I need pussy. So they like almost evolve. Yeah.

Into like different things. It seems like that like the like the pokey, the ultimate Pokemon version of that was Bezos. Yeah. He left his wife McKenzie who was like the one that built it all with him. Yep. And then he just went and got a sex pot. And then now he's just like,

now he's got hot dog neck from the steroids. Yep. And he's just like, he had his first trap. And like did you make a girl? Did you hear an organic orgasm come out of a woman? And it like snapped his brain. That's what it is.

Oh God. I'm gonna, ah, and he was like, ha, ha, that's what that feels like. I need protein. I need sets that are a low, high rep, low weight for fucking, I need to get cut. That's what it seems like he's going through.

It sucks because McKenzie, what's her last name? I think of Bezos, though, right? She's so my, like I like women. I love bitchy women that are like, your breath smells like fruit. You know, like mildly,

fucking stink. Can you not right now? Your breath smells like fruit. Yeah. Is her name? Mackenzie Scott. She's giving away billions. She has no idea how philanthropy works.

She's just dumping it. But at least someone's doing it. What did you find out? I don't know. What did she find out? That she went, I'm going to burn it all. I don't care. But she is just giving it away, all of it away, which I'm not angry at.

Go to give it out and go, McKenzie, if you're listening. And you are. McKenzie, next dream girl. My dream girl. Who you look like my wife when we met. Real talk. Look it up. It's not even that hard.

It's not even a departure. Connect the fucking dots. Right. Her name is Jessica Quinn. Your name is Mackenzie Scott. It's like the same goddamn thing. We're pretty much married. Yeah.

Like you guys would get along. You guys could tell me that I have like the morning sweat smell. You need to take a shower before we leave. I just want you to know you stink a little bit. By the way, can I tell you that it's like earthiness and a wine that every good wine is going to have some earthiness? If you want a wife, have a little bitchiness because it's, it's grounding. It's grounding in a way. Katie will go like this.

There's a stain in the middle of your shirt. What are you doing? I was going to do sets last night. And I was just wearing a black t-shirt. And she goes, you have a bunch of stains in the middle of your shirt. But she didn't say it in like a way of like, hey, buddy. She goes, there's stains on your shirt. And I went, oh, fuck.

But I would have gone out and just looked like a sloppy idiot. Yep. You need a little. I love a cunt wife. I'm sorry. Pardon my French. I love that. I won't even apologize for it. It makes it move for me. It's, I, I've sold Accurus and Mercedes my whole life. So that's always the wife of a pragmatic male is like this guy who's like kind of a button up defeated. And it's like, you know, all these like alpha guys are like, like, doormat chicks, the guys who marry dormant chicks make terrible decisions in the car dealership. The guys. And that's something that you have experience on. You see it all the empirical data on that. I got 350 cars a year for three years. The guy with the guy with like knee pet, I was like, whatever he wants.

It's like if I am my beach house, it's like whatever, it doesn't even matter. And it's like he comes in and makes like, I want a GT in lizard green. And do you have it with lava red seats? And I'm like, why? Like, why do you even want? You look like a tongue of a lizard. Yeah, it's sick, right? I'm like, you run a fence business.

You're like a fucking psychopath. Dude, I'm actually getting a fence done in old English across my bag. It's all sick. here all free hand this guy this guy dustin i know all free hand those guys are the ones online that are like yeah he listens to a stupid bitch wife this guy's a fucking idiot that'll be the day honey go outside and he gives me like a look like he's bought i'm like i'm like oh that's not that's not that's not a flex so you really would see that oh i hate that i like the one that's like we already looked at it online and we found it up at mercedes benza boston but they have the one it doesn't

have the captain seats we actually need the captain seats i'm like i have the one with captain seats but it's not in the white you want i only have it in the green but honestly i mean i wouldn't recommend trusting a carism, but the forest green is a dope car. And Mercedes people like those, like, those jewel-tone colors. He actually makes a really good point. He just sold me on this fictitious car. He makes like a really good point because the green is actually the second color we picked. And I'm like this, yeah.

Yeah. And that's what you need. But that's what you need. She's hot. She makes good choice. She smells good. She takes a shower. Yes.

Thank you. This is the end of the manosphere. Yes. Because the manosphere is just broken in the way of, you guys all want dumb bitches. That's not fun. Fuck your life up. it's cool while you're dating and you're young. Right.

And when you still want to go out with your boys or you still want to take trips alone. But then you meet someone that you genuinely get along with that you fucking enjoy life with. And sometimes it comes to you just like sometimes ladies marry a dumbass. Sometimes we do dumb shit. Yeah. And you just, if you marry a dumb ass, guess what a dumb ass is going to be happy and loyal. Right. And he's going to go, oh, I didn't even know.

I fuck that up. You know how many times Katie hears that from me or I go, oh, I don't even know I fuck that up. She's inside her on head. She's like, she can't say that a lot. She's to catch yourself because she's so happy at what you just did.

I was so stupid. Yes. Oh, that's all I took. When I communicate, like, oh, my bad,

because I actually made a mistake and I didn't even like think that out. She'll go like, you see it. You see her go like, yeah. And it's so, yeah.

It's like, dude, I'm not joking, man. It's so crazy. If you just like, because the guys, I think what they're teaching like a lot.

This is like, the, we were talking about originally, which is like, young men need to be taught things. Yeah. And what's happened in this late stage of capitalism is that companies have taken advantage of that for decades now. Yeah. Where they're acting like, like, you know, you looked at the publishers of like Maxim and

FHM and all that. They had that. And now it's like trans morphed into this podcasting world and then the manosphere. And you're like, it's all a manipulation of the same thing, which is they're trying to sell you something. Yeah. Real life isn't like that. But what you're talking about,

sitting there collecting people's debt watching your dad buying an illegal gun me watch my dad roll his eyes at the bums coming in at the liquor store at six in the morning even though he's a bum it's like it's fucking crazy you go like oh this is what real life is it's nuanced you don't want a woman in my head i would probably even at the ripe old age of 43 be like oh a giant tittyed slut who just says yes to everything sounds awesome for a day for an hour and a half until you get that that 3.5 amount ounces of liquid out of your body. I don't know how much come. 3.5 ounces?

Wow, Dan. Is that like Peter Morris? Let's see. Let's find this out. That's 16. Is this almost empty? Yeah, it's about an ounce and a half. That's an ounce and a half.

That's that right there? You come that much. I'd fucking, I'd give you 100 bucks. There's no way I come that much. No, no, no. Let me see it on. I bet.

That's too big of load. It's too big of the load. A ounce and a half. But I'm saying like, do you think you want that shit? But you have like boots on the ground data that you don't want that. You've sold cars to successful men that have wives that are a little bit crazy. And they make their lives.

That's why they're successful. They have a boat. They have a this. They're like this. Listen. I remember I had two instances, but like, here's what's going to happen.

Do you like oysters? Do you like oysters? Yeah. Great. Do you like oysters? No. Okay. If you've given them a shot?

I don't like the way they feel. They taste like snots. That's what big-titted bimbo is going to say. Yeah. She's going to be. I'll just have. I'll just have like French fries or something. Yeah.

And you're going to be like, oh, because I, I've dated like, you know, every, we've all dated a bimbo. But it's like the at dinner where like, I'm dating a fucking five-year-old brain. Like you're clearly stunted. And like your thong worked for so long. It's not working with me anymore. And I like being, uh, I like the reverse world, be at dinner and I'll be like, I don't like caramelized onions. And then Katie, I'll be like, have you ever had caramelized onions? And I'd be like, yeah, I didn't really like it.

She's like, well, it's really good on this steak. And you should try it. And then I'll take a bite. and I'll be like, I really like caramelized onions. She's like, yeah, and then you're just like, be a little bit of a dumbass. Yes. Let her be a little bit of a cop. You be a little bit of a dumbass.

It's just, it's going to win 90 times out of a hundred. You're saying the stories of guys coming in to own boats. Dude have told me, like, and it's like, it's just, you see them make decisions, like a decision after decision. And it's, uh, it's such a letdown. Like, uh, calling their wives like rug rat and stuff like that or, um, like just, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, like, you think it's cool on the onset. And then you realize like, oh, oh, this guy's,

life sucks like yeah because he doesn't respect the person he's spending all of his time with yeah that's so it's so weird it's like guys who uh call their friends like dip shit and stuff like that and i'm like these fucking idiots i hang out with you go we you hang out with them yeah you spend a lot of time it's like when i did kevin fetterline's uh uh fantasy football i filmed kevin federline's fantasy football team that's my first job in la and he took us outside and then like dumped about all his boys being like total fucking losers and i was like dude These are like your boys. Wait, so you were filming like a reality TV?

Yeah, he was like, I'm doing a pilot. Ashton Cutchers in my fantasy football league. And I took my like film friends and all that, our gear up to his house in Calabasas and his house was fucking disgusting. And it was a dope house. And it was like he had like cigarette butts in the fucking. It was nuts. They had a beanbag chair in the living room that they put cigarette butts out on.

And I'm like this in like 50 mountain bikes and grills and like things you use once. And then like air mattresses. Can I tell you right now though? That's how good it. fucking he was. Yeah. That he fucked his way to that. Right.

Like he took Britney Spears and fucked the shit out of her. She's like, listen, we broke her, like society broke her with all the pressure we put on her as a pop star. Yeah. But she got broken up with by J.T. We like cheated on her. And then one of her backup dancers just blew her spine out. Just put it on her. And to the point where she was like, oh my God.

take my money and now he lives in Calabasasas in a house that he probably, yeah. Yeah, I just, yeah, I just, yeah, I just, po po poeosal. Yo, my friends are stupid as shit. Is that what? Half of a guy fox mask on the whole time. That's so funny. I'm like this, I have to leave. I got to go.

He's talking through a dirt bike helmet. Literally. I'm like, he's like, yeah, they're fucking idiots. Yeah, yeah, that was a lot. But he just dumped on him and then. Yeah, and it kind of, I was like this, this guy's probably dating a knee pad. Yeah. He doesn't have a girl that's going to tell him to take a shower because you smell like a

lacrosse glove. You smell musty. Ew, go away. But it is. And you see those guys, you're like, oh, man, it's,

you know, like when you see celebrities that only have yes men around them, you go, well, this is inevitable that you're going to suck. Yeah.

Because no one's going, shut up, dude. Yeah, don't do that. Shut up. Yeah. I'm a friend. Like, no one's a friend.

Like, Dan, I wouldn't buy that. Like, I fucking bombed last night at the cellar. I had a bad set, like a bad set with jokes

that are all my special and everything. No excuse besides I was flat and I just didn't connect with the audience. Wow. And I was there all night. I had good shows. I was a little cocky. Went in and got fucking earhold by that audience. No shit. Put on the dirt. But I left and I came home and Katie's like, how to go?

I went, I fucking bombed on my last show. And she goes, yeah, you always say that's like, good though, right? And I went, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're doing the Leonudad of DiCaprio meme crying. You're like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I go, yeah. But it is, but I like, dude, I woke up this morning and she's getting ready for work and I just rolled over. I go, remember when I bombed last night? And she goes, no, I wasn't there. And I went, yeah, I'm holding on to it. But you can't, but it is like, versus comics that I only see have good sets. And you go, well, I don't think you're growing at all. You have to have, you have to mix some shit in. Yeah, you got to have, you got to have the strife and be down in it. I think the people living in La Walla and too long. The one I was going to say was

the guy, there was this guy that told me in earnest. I remember he was like the coolest guy on the phone. I was like, man, this guy's like, well, he was a Canadian businessman. I sold him an Accura over the phone and he couldn't get him. It was like an Accura Tech. And he was like, wow, this guy's cool. He kind of picked up that I was like with it as like a younger kid. Sure. You seem like a pretty straightforward guy. You shoot straight. But I was like, look, man, I'll give you 800 bucks off. You can't get him. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Shows up from Canada. Shows up from Boston tech guy.

And he goes, look, man, I'm going to be honest. He shows up with his wife who's one of the ones that we like. And he looks to me and honest. He goes, Nick, I want to tell you something serious. She's like, don't ever get married. I'm dead serious. Listen to me. He's like, you seem cool. You're 20. Holy. He was, what are you? 34? I was like, I'm 23. Jesus Christ, you've lived a tough life. 23. I have a full head of hair. I choose to shave it. So he's like, I said, yeah, what was this man? Don't ever get married. Then outside, I'm showing him the car. Put your hand out like

you're showing the radio. He's like, I was like, oh, that's why you were telling me no, get married. Oh, you were trying to save me for yourself. You were trying to suck me, weren't you? That's got to be, dude, that's got to be the worst. We go, no. I did say it literally like that. I was like this, no. And he goes, what? What are you doing?

You're gay. He literally said to his own hand. He was like, sorry, I get a little weird sometimes. Yo. Jesus Christ. That's always the worst is when you think you like somebody and then they do something where you go, fuck, man, there's so many of that in society. Damn.

You go, I like this guy. And he does this fucking dumb shit. They wanted to kiss me. Yeah. Dude, that's crazy. Is that the only time that's happened? Uh, yeah. That's got to be.

Because that's the thing where you go. Did it like fuck up your rhythm for like double weeks? I mean, it was like the delivery. Like we signed the papers. I'm going over the car showing him. I'm pairing his phone for him and shit. He's sitting in the driver's seat. I'm just,

you work from left to right. And I'm like on the radio part. And he's like this and just right over the car. Oh. Yo. Oh, fuck. Damn it. Pull it away.

I'm definitely getting married to a girl that's a lot like your wife. I like your wife. I'll marry her. Does she know? Is this an arrangement? It's just one of those arrangements? Is this like a fucking... What are you?

A fucking lavender marriage? Yeah. Get out of my fucking face. 0,8, 09. But there are so many closeted gay dudes that you go, like, I bet if you just fucked dudes your life, like society would be better. There's too much pent-up gay guys.

Yeah. Or if we just let them all loose, where if they, like, if there was like, you know how they're saying that, um, GLP-1s, curb addiction. They're saying there's like some evidence that addictive behavior is curbed

through GLP-1s. I think so. If another thing of GL-1s was like, you come out of the closet and just be yourself, I think that would benefit more than having skinny people. I think it would just benefit having people be like, I'm in love with my coworker and he's a man.

And then you go, all right. And then you're out and there's no judgment. And you're just clean. No bad relationship. just taking a nice innocent girl off the floor for someone else that could, you know, man. Dude, that's, that was one of the most angry I've ever been in my life. I did a gig, and I won't say where, but I did a one-nighter.

This is just like. Fire Island. Yeah, I wish. It was like 15 years ago. And I go out, it was like one of the first gigs where I like got flown out for like pretty good money. And it was a part of a, like, a festival thing. And so they fly me out and I was like the first night headliner because I was, it was like

Wednesday night show. And they were like, great. And they took me out to dinner Tuesday night. and the lady who hired me and her husband were there and they were like oh we're going to meet up with my sister and her husband and her sister came in and when I tell you she was naturally the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life to the point that I was like she was like school teacher sweet beautiful giant tits so funny like sarcastic yeah you're talking to her and she's like here's my husband and this motherfucker walked in it was like so nice to meet you

how are you? And I was just the whole dinner just going like, yeah. Like you would say something? I'd be like, uh-huh. Like I wanted to pull him aside and be like, I was so lonely at the time that I was like, this is it. This is the woman I'm supposed to spend my life with.

Hey man, can I try her? Can I give her a whirl around the Ferris wheel? Take her ride on the Sodor Express. Baby, I make you feel so good. Would you? But he really was like, I mean, we just, we just met and it clicked. And I was just like, where'd you guys meet?

And he was like, at church. And that's what I was like. So it is. It is. You are locked behind a cage because of your family got you into this Christian thing. And she was super Christian.

And so they were in this marriage, but you were like, you don't understand. What I could do to her? And he's like, could you? Because I have this 15 inch log. Yeah. Oh, sorry.

It actually stays plump. He has an arm in his pants. He's like, oh, never mind. Scratch all my thoughts. Sorry. Never mind. I bet I could just make her giggle a lot. Yeah.

He goes, you know, it's crazy about that. No matter who it is, it gets hard for it. And you go, oh, my God. Oh, Jesus. Oh, bitch, I'm not gay. I'm bisexual. And you go, oh, you could show her things that I never could. She's sitting on an ice pack.

Yeah. She goes, oh, he's hollowed me out. Oh, last night, the car ride here. It's too much. Insatiable. And the amount of cum, it's like 3.5 ounces. I go, oh, no, no, that was. One.

5. Did you look up what it was? It's like 0.0. Wow. Wow. What the hell's a row? rope then. How much ounces in a rope? Peter North was like a ounce and we're like,

look at that guy go. Yeah, an ounce. Damn, dude. That's fucking wild. That is a lot. You're the man. I love that you came by to the podcast. Thank you so much for even having me. Go watch everything Nick does. Scuffed realtors, hilarious. His live streams are awesome. Nick's just the man. Love you, buddy.

Thank you for watching this.