Soder - 146: Locked Out with Jake Johnson | Soder Podcast | EP 143

Episode Date: August 4, 2026

Support the sponsors to support the show! Your health matters and taking care of yourself shouldn’t be complicated. Find and book the right doctor with Zocdoc. Head to ZocDoc.com/SODER to get started and check that appointment off your to-do list! That’shttps://www.zocdoc.com/?utm_medium=audiopodcast&utm_campaign=soderGet up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com/go/soder #squarepodhttps://squareup.com/us/en/campaign/audioNew Cash App customers can earn $10 if they use code CASHAPP10 in their profile at signup and send $5 to a friend within 14 days. Terms apply.Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/wdild9do#CashAppPodCash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Cash App Visa® Debit Flex Cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC, and The Bancorp Bank, N.A., pursuant to a license from Visa U.S.A. Inc. See terms and conditions for the Sutton prepaid card, Sutton debit flex card, and Bancorp debit flexcard. Cash App Green features, Savings, Direct deposit, Round ups, Overdraft coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.Don’t sweat the heat this summer. Feel as effortlessly cool as you look with Mack Weldon. Go to MackWeldon.com and get 20% off your first order of $125 or more, with promo code DAN That’s M-A-C-K, W-E-L-D-O-N dot com, code DANhttps://mackweldon.com/Soder is building a new hour on the road!Get tickets at https://www.dansoder.com/tourAugust 13-15 Baltimore,MDAugust 20-22 Spokane,WASeptember 10-12 Portland,MESeptember 17-19 Hartford,CTOctober 2-3 Alburquerque,NMOctober 4-7 Fort Collins,COOctober 19-21 Winnipeg, CanadaOctober 22-24 Calgary,CanadaNovember 5-7 Salt Lake City,UTDecember 10-12 Rochester,NYFollow Jake Johnson and watch "The Dink" on Apple Streaminghttps://www.instagram.com/mrjakejohnson/?hl=enhttps://tv.apple.com/us/person/jake-johnson/umc.cpc.3ev8v37pj5f5w9k43z0rxeqlrPLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow.https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572Connect with SoderTwitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoderInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoderTiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedyFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoderYoutube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy#dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcastProduced by  Mike Lavin     https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

Punchup. Live, go check out our movie watchalong. We did Maiden Manhattan from a popular comedy festival. I don't know if we're going to say it. I'm afraid if we say it we might get in trouble. But we did it at a very popular comedy festival. That was fun. And I got Tim Dillon, Joe DeRosa, and James McCann to watch Maiden in Manhattan with me. So if you go to punchup.

Dot Live, sign up, give them your email address. Not only will you be on my mailing list, which we don't spam. It's just when I'm in town. and you'll be able to watch this for free for absolutely nothing. We had such a good time. Pimp did a great job editing it, put it up on PunchUp. Go check it out. Punchup.L. Hey, Spokane, Washington, August 20th through August 22nd. I'm going to be at Spokane Comedy Club in Spokane, Washington.

I'm excited to come back. I love it. I'm bringing the very funny Tom Thakar with me, and we're going to have a hell of a time. And then all the way in September. Empire Comedy Club in Portland, Maine. Tickets are almost sold out. But if you go to Dan Soder.com, all my live dates are posted. See which show you're the closest to,

and come on out. And I'll see you there. I'll do today, even today when I was doing some work, she just sat next to me and was like, it's never enough. I have a retired guide dog that we adopted. How old were, how was it? She was three.

Okay. She did it, got the assignment, passed all the tests. Got a woman up in Oregon, and then I guess the woman got sick or was a little abusive and left her in a cage too much. So she got weird. So they brought her back to guide dogs, but they couldn't reprogram her. So that becomes available for adoption. Sure.

Because they go, if we give this to a blind person, they're going to run out in traffic. The dog's a maniac. They're just going to run right on it. She's a liability. Yeah. But like a pet. chimp she's a very smart liability yeah so i was like oh i grew up with really wild animals okay i was like i would love not like wild but just untrained dogs so you were the house we always had dogs

who bit did you have dog did you have and you know shout out my friend joey i still love him to death did you have the house where the dog would not stop barking when a friend would come over not only that the dog would attack if the dog got out it was like a coyote on the streets how many dogs did you have growing up. There was always a problem. At any given time. Every single dog. Every dog you had was a problem.

Why is it? Were they not? Your mom was just like I love dogs and I'm never going to give them rules. The opposite. My mom was like a little bit of the old school and there was some. This is not for a camera. But there was some technique she did for punishment. You know what?

My mom watches this podcast. So I know my mom's watching this. There were moments when my mom's, scolded my dog where I was like don't do that. You don't do you don't rub their face in it. That kind of shit. You like school. Yeah. So yeah. That would make sure

There was a few things my mom would do to dogs that looking back I went like you tipped him over the edge. Yeah, dude. You can't. Well, especially now I've married a very sweet woman. I've got a whole different life but now we treat our dogs like they're essentially children. Yeah. But every once in a while I'll look and I'm like, you don't know me.

You have no idea. You don't know what these. You don't know what this can be. That's what we say to her, whatever. She's like being too much of a like prima donna or or or kind of like primpity. And we're like, yo, there's dogs that just sleep outside. So don't make us. There are homeless people that have your breed. Yeah.

We've walked by. You can have that. You know what you eat? And don't act like you're a real dog. You're not a real dog. You're a pampered ass bitch. So we have two dogs. We have a retired guy dog.

and then we have a dog that was a backyard breeding dog that ran off, but then we got her and she's an Australian Shepherd. Oh, those are great. Love them. Yeah. My other dog, my lab, the retired guide dog. Yeah.

Looks at them like we're both the same thing. Yeah. The other one I look at once in a while, I'm like, I get you, but we don't get this bitch. My mom adopted a dog, the most recent dog she adopted, they found on an oil, Derek in New Mexico

like living there for days and the crew would like feed it and it was a really sweet she's the sweetest dog in the world that's my dog who's the miniosi she's just special it is freckles my mom's dog is like the sweetest dog in the world

where it's too much where you like pet her and she's like and you're like all right come on you're like kind of creeping me out you know what it is it's when you're younger and you meet somebody who just got out of a bad relationship Yeah, and they're just like, can you hold my hand?

Yeah, and you're like, I'm into you, and you're right, I'm never going to do that stuff. It's too much for me. I'm not full. I don't know how to do this, but I agree. We have a nice thing, but it's too. And you go, put it away. Put your fucking, put that shit away. And she'll be over there.

But when we take, when we go on our road trip for Christmas and we're out in Denver and we have Myrtle and that dog playing, I'll say to Myrtle all the time. I go, that dog live the life. They really get it. That dog appreciates its food. So we had. We appreciate everything it fucking had. We had an outdoor cat and I have allergies so it can never come in. Peter, he lived with us for 14 years.

Yeah, he did. And I'm not kidding when I say, and this was from late, and some late nights on certain drinking days or when I was getting too stoned where I would just look at him and I'd be like, you're probably the toughest individual I've ever met. They'd be like a pack of coyotes that would come through the neighborhood. I would look at him and I'd be like, should we bring him in the garage?

I'd be like, maybe try to get him here, he'd run off, I'd see him on a roof. I'd be like, you're the baddest motherfucker I ever met, dude. He had no respect for me. And I never, we were both, I would honestly feel when I would look at him at times, where we were both trying to hustle my wife, where I'd be like, I got a nice thing cooking here, Peter,

don't fuck it up with Aaron. And he would look at me and be like, I see you, you fucking rat. And I'd be like, I'm in the house. Yeah, I'm inside. You're outside. I can lock you out. And I'm gonna, Peter.

And I will. Faking allergies. If Peter would have been a human, you would have been intimidated by him. If Peter, he would have been like a guy at a bar that you go, I'm not even going to talk to him. My life goes one or two ways. Yeah. Either I would have been so far away from people. There are certain people I meet and I go, something scary.

Yeah. And I don't care if everybody in my group goes love that guy. No, those are the scariest. I don't love that guy. Also, I don't want to be with him. If a night gets on top of me, he's not the guy I want to be like, I did say something stupid. Yeah. I was trying to be funny.

Yeah. And I promise you I didn't think about it. Please don't try to hurt me. Your reaction is at a 10? I live at a 4, brother. This is too much. Yeah. Or that guy right away,

it connects like Legos. Yeah. And I'm like, those are my favorite people. You're the craziest person I've ever met, but I actually trust you like no one's business. And I really connect to you. There were people that when I used to drink,

like regulars at the bar I'd go to, that when a new friend would come with me to a bar. It was almost like being a falconer where you go, that guy looks dangerous and you go, watch this. And he lands on your arm. And you go, oh, now he can get dangerous at any moment. So be careful around him.

He's a wild animal, but it won't be with me. As long as we're together, you're 100% safe. But here's what I promise you not to do. Don't move around fast. Do not. And also don't get up quick. Don't go like this. Yeah.

If you do that, you're in trouble. I'm dead too. If you have books, do not drop them on the ground. If he will revert to Vietnam, where all this damage. occurred. And guess what? Then you're on and but I have that way with our dog, our dog, the guide dog, when they got him there would be like rules. Small kids can't come from behind. Skinny men in mustachees. Uniform men. There were like things she had. That's always why I think we freak out if your dog ever barks at a black person because a black person goes, well now I know I'm your thing. I'm your don't walk up on a dog. You know what? So what happened? You're the racist or this dog was harmed by a black person. Or what's really awful is you go, honestly, I don't know. That's, and then you go, and if it's between, especially if it's a black friend. Oh my God.

You know, and they're going, what's up with your dog? You go, well, let me make something crystal clear. It doesn't speak English. It's heard no subtle joke references. It's just what that breed thinks right now. So either it's your people or it's just you, my man. Or you just got bad vibes. You have bad.

When you, when it is a friend and you're apologizing and you say the, this never happens. You always like toss that out or you go, I don't know why this is happening. I don't know why this is happening. And then your black friend goes, I know because you're racist. And you know, no, but that can't be. You know what I. It's just that he's barking. Somebody said to me and I feel like it's Lamarne, but it might be somebody else.

But I think what somebody really buzzed me once goes, damn, you don't have enough black people over. Yeah. And I was like, oh my God, my dog does not experience enough black people. That's what it is. Then you go like, that's garbage. That's on me. Now I've got to save the last dance, my dog. I have to keep my dog rhythm.

Only mushy, annoying white guys come here. I'm going to tell Katie, you go, we're leaving Soul Train on for her whenever we leave the house. That is going to be the only way we're going to pass this. We're going to put on old episodes of 106 in the park or Soul Train just to get our dog. You and I both weighted tables in New York City from 2007. When did you stop, 07? Earlier than that. So I lived here in 99 to 2002.

Okay. Yeah. Damn, you were here for 9-11. I was here for 9-11. I walked down to the towers at 9-11. After it happened. Yeah, I was in Queens. It happened.

I walked over the bridge, walked downtown, and was just hanging out. And you haven't been approached by any law firms for mesophilioma? There you go. I believe you're in, now, I'm just talking about subway ads, but you might be entitled. Were you also a camp of June? Will you represent me? And can we make a run of this and see what we can do? He goes, yeah, Dan Soder's a comic.

Did you also know that he's like an ambulance chaser? Did you also know he's my guy? And he'll fuck you up in court. He's the bulldog. Wait, so did you stop drinking, stop drinking? Yeah, in 2013. So not meetings and all that? No, I read a book called The Easy Way to Stop Drinking by Alan Carr.

And it worked. Well, I had tried quitting and I like tried. going to meetings and stuff and nothing really and then this book was like reframed the way that I looked at drinking and it actually worked wow and then once I got far enough I you know I talked to friends of mine who were in the program and they would tell me like 90 days get to 90 days right it's the truth I got to 90 days and I was kind of like why would I go back to that that's cool because I just remember the bad shit yeah yeah and when you're a waiter in New York City it's almost mandatory you drink well there's a

honestly say for a majority of my day jobs before acting started, drinking or getting stoned before a day job was just part of it. Listen, you can take it. And I, and feel free to take an SSRI. Yes. Feel free to take something else. I needed a couple one hitters and a Dunkin' Donuts on my way to open cafe. Yes, but not only that for me.

So I used to cater on boats. So we would do weddings. Here in New York? In Los Angeles. Oh my God. I can't imagine. That's like party down. it. Yes, it was exactly like party down. We were weddings. So you would do an entire wedding

party and then you could do two in a night on a boat on a boat. So the boat does like a run. Exactly. I think it was Newport Beach. You pull up at the thing. You have your little tuxedo on. There's four of you total. How many tuxedo pieces did you own? I think I mean not a lot two or three. It's always my all blacks. I had maybe two shirts. I mean truthfully and this is what people when they do those of it, it's disgusting stuff because you're not washing it that much. And you're sweating your dick off. So you get yellow neck on your. Also like the food splattering my little,

I would be like, and I would get home to my disgusting apartment. I'd be like, should I wash it for tomorrow's event? Fuck off, man. I have 14 hours. Yeah. I'm not spending four of them doing that.

They would get mad when I would bring my apron would just, I would just leave it at work because there's lockers. And my apron would just, I did lunches. So I just, I made no money and I was running around. And when I would clean it in the, um,

cappuccino. station because of the steam. And my manager's coming around. You're like, what? And he's like, that's fucking disgusting. I don't give a shit about this job. So I'm sure as fuck not going to launder it after every shift.

No, you bring it home and you go, what can I get off with water? As fast as I can. And so I can sit down and not think about going back tomorrow. I got to say, I have still to this day, certain day jobs I'll see people and I'll have so much respect, especially now that I'm getting near 50,

when I'll see somebody already, grinding it out and they seem to have a good attitude. I'm like, you're fucking awesome. Yeah. Because, and I don't have it if it's like a 27 year old. I'm like,

I'm like, you don't know. 25 trying to upsell, get fuck. Don't care. I was like, whatever, but when it's a full on adult.

Yeah. And whatever you came to New York to do or if this is what you want to do, you know, this is it through probably 65. And then you're going to slow down and you're going to figure it out. I go like, you got a fucking great attitude and you're kicking and grinding. and grind in here and you're being less of a bitch than me.

Yeah. And I'm bitching right now because like, it was a little hot. And my bitching feels very real to me. Yeah. They're older people that, you know, I don't know if you've ever worked at a steakhouse. No. But steakhouses are kind of where old waiters go to make like. Real money.

Yeah, because when you're at a steakhouse and you have an older waiter, there's just like this level of trust where you just go like, you're going to know how to cook this. You're going to know what, yeah. But by the way, so anytime I do Kimmel now, I go to Frank and Muso's after. And I'll say to the people there, because I'm not going on a regular night. Sure. So a buddy of mine will mostly come with me to the taping and you get like the 400 bucks for the night. So I go like, let's just piss all.

Like over order. Great. This is not real life. Great. I'm not going to go like this. You're getting a shrimp cocktail? This is the first night in a while. I'm not going to count anything.

Don't just go nuts. It's just an hour of doing. And I'm not a stand up. So that night for me is like, it's not a. pleasant feeling. Well, I'm like, doing panel is,

is you, I mean, you come from the improv world. I know, but it was so long ago. Yeah, but you still got it. You still have that like,

um, you still know how to like the way that like, when you watch Tom Brady play catch with someone before he does a fox game, do the thing. And he's just going like, yes. Oh,

I kind of know how to do it. I don't think I would. I don't want to do this anymore. You're not on a team anymore. You're not running fucking, you know, you're not doing an ass cat every Sunday. No,

but what's different is. is when you see a real stand-up doing it, they have all their bits so beaten down that they can still, like, and I didn't really know this about stand-ups, but my buddy Hannibal Burroughs, we made a movie years ago. Yeah, tag.

Tag. Which is great. Shout out Jeff Thompson. Jeff Thompson. The great Tomzick. He's like, yo, I'm doing a show tonight. You want to come. Chappelle's performance.

By the way, your Chappelle is. Oh, thank you. It's on the fan, I watch your fan. I watch your class, man. Thanks, dude. I'm a fan. So that's great. Your stories where you would do

Chappelle. I mean, Chappelle's my favorite. He's my number one of all times. Your Chappelle is so... I've met him briefly a couple times, but I don't really want to meet him because I just know someone's showing him a clip,

and it's like... Agreed. And we both know this because we've worked in entertainment long enough. Nobody likes an impression of themselves. By the way, you're right. Nobody. Now, some people know how to be cool about it. Sure.

I think it's the same with Roasted. So people will go like, dude, these are buns. These are my fucking friends. We roast and then you're like, I know everyone's getting their feelings hurt. Some, a joke. A joke and you know what it is? It's usually like I'm a big pro wrestling guy.

Pro wrestlers get injured in weird ways where it's like not falls they're used to. And that's what happens. It's like a joke that you're not used to and you go, by the way, that is exactly right. There's certain things. So my buddies and I will all roast each other constantly. Sure. But it's always the same stuff. Yeah.

You know. You're being roasted on the stuff where we're, we're like, I know I'm weird with that. Yes, I am, I do interrupt a lot. I am desperate for attention. I can't shut up. I can't shut up. I'm not that smart.

I am dumb. And it's like, I know that. And then they go like, also, um, you're not that big of a 49ers fan. And I'll be like, I'll fucking kill you, bro. I'll fucking kill you, bro. Like there's one thing where they go, your dog's not well trained. It's like, I'll fucking grab you in the throat. What I do, which is even worse.

Yeah. Is I do the, if they go like, you know, whatever it is, your dog's not, I'll do the like that. And then I'll take the pause and it's the psychos pause where you go like, ha ha ha. And you go like and in my eyes for that second. I'm like, first of all, I don't know if I like them anymore. Yeah.

Second of all, 14 years of friendship gone. Now I'm thinking of such mean things. Yeah. That I'm like, I wouldn't want to say that to them because I know that would hurt him. But I'm like, but if I like laugh a little before and then I'm like, I'm turning into such a piece of shit. They didn't mean it. And then I go, I'm in the wrong situation for me. Oh, man.

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They gave me a doctor in network. I got an appointment for tomorrow morning, and I made it yesterday. So within three days, I got an appointment. I'm going to go meet my new podiatrist, probably get some inserts, maybe get some cream for my feet. I don't know what's going on with it. But I'm going to find out all because of Zock Dock, doc. Because I went on Zock, doc, on the app, you can also go to Zock.com, and you just can book a doctor that can help you with exactly what you need. I'm telling you, if you, maybe you're moving to a new set.

city. Maybe you're starting a new job or insurance, a situation where you suddenly have to prioritize your health. You should use Zocdoch.com. Your health matters and taking care of yourself shouldn't be complicated. Find him book the right doctor with Zockdoc. Head to Zocdo com slash soda to get started and check that appointment off of your to-do list. That's ZOC, doc.com slash soda. If you're running a business, first off, congratulations, because I think you've got more chutzpah than I ever will. But starting a small business very difficult.

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I think of this joke at least once a month. But he had a joke 20 years ago about when your friends are making fun of you. and you take it too far because you're mad. And they're like, yeah, yeah, you're a fucking loser. And he's like, yeah, well, your mom's sick. And the guy goes, hey, you go,

that's always the feeling I have, where I go way too quick. So when I was growing up, my mother was from a family of nine brothers and sisters in Chicago, tough people. Crazy too. My siblings and I are cissies from the suburbs,

but my mother and her family were genuine, tough people. In Chicago. And they were, yes, very genuine, old school, tough people. Any accent? Yeah, Chicago, these and does.

So T's become these. These are those. My brother, Bob. Yeah, my brother Bob, you know, it'd be Bobby, and everything's from the neighborhood. My brother Bobby's from the neighborhood, and then Timmy was over there. But this fucking, this guy says to me,

I love the north. The, is that north or south? It's north Chicago. Yeah. Where they go, Well, I've been on the force for damn near 20 years. You'd think I'd have some respect from them. I like the Chicago.

It's the best. I don't know why people think Caleb Williams is it gay. I mean, he's got his nails painted, but the guy can put a ball on a dime. I like to love that North. I love that. That North Chicago shit to me is up there with the Philly and the Boston accent. Oh, for sure. The best, subtle, because everyone knows a New York accent.

Yes, I agree. Everyone knows a Texas accent. Everyone knows a Southern accent. But like the Mid-Atlantic with Baltimore and Philly. Yeah. To me, Chicago, Boston, Philly and Baltimore are all. Especially when it comes to that type of man and sports. Yeah.

My favorite thing going to Caleb William has been watching that type of man. That man now, by the way, that you're describing is now 70 or dead. So that is really. Yeah. That old the Bears. That's the Bears generation. The younger Chicago is different. Sure.

But that Chicago that because I left in 2003, that was my dad in his group. Yeah. Where the big, my father used to sell cars on a side of Chicago. My father was in a commercial where he goes, it's city Chevrolet. He throws a ball like that. cuts to a shot of going in the air, it switches Scotty, a rookie Scotty Pivot and Horace Grant go, it's a sure shot. No way.

Yes. Dude. No way. That's the way. I call that the Webster shot. Yes. My dad did a Webster shot. You throw it.

It cuts to. And in there was a period of the 80s that that was cool. Dude. It was one editor goes like this. You know what you could do? Just put it in there. And everyone goes, you dig it all art? He goes, nobody will know.

Dude, they. They did it all the time. The Webster. I think Michael. Jordan might be in the episode. I forget there's an NBA player in the episode and he's like, throw it up, little man. And he goes like,

oh, and then he goes, cut two. Yeah. Switch. And you go and. Bullshit. It worked.

I mean, now people would go, fuck you. Well, now you've got little weirdos in like green outfits doing trick shots and being like, I threw a ball off a mountain top and then there's like a weirdo on a zip line being like, let me show you how it's done.

I grabbed it. I love those. I, up in my feed of a guy in like a castle on a coastline and he throws it in the ball goes Dan like down in a hoop I'm like no way I did until I saw

one of the green guys now I hate those guys in a way okay could you imagine being like all right the two of us let's say we're starting a business we're real grinders you know what I think we could do we can make these videos you use trick shots like I think we can start making 60,000 bucks each let's all go to Scotland you getting the fucking weird

green outfit how you film and I'm going like this here we are you do It's holding all you're doing, it's like worse than magic. Yeah. Just try to hit a fucking trick shot. Oh, I'm talking about the guys that actually hit the trick shots. Oh, real trick shot guys. I'm not talking about the ones that fake that shit.

No, but my problem is now. I'm talking about the actual ones that keep trying and you see him try and they get it. Even those, I think you're believing in magic. I'm a pro wrestling fan. I'm a Mark. Dude, I fucking believed Hulk Hogan was a good guy. His documentary was so fun. You get the episode four and you go, there you go.

You're going to really talk about it. Because I watched episode one and I was ready to run through a wall for Hulkomania. And then I go, right, fucked over everyone in the business. It was super racist. Got it. Fuck. But I'm a mark. So, like, yeah, I love trick shots.

Interesting. I love trick shots. Total mark, dude. Can't go to Vegas. Can't go to anywhere where they could sell me shit. Because they'll be like, this fucking idiot. Can't go to a car lot. When we buy a car, she's going to have to go.

Because I'm going to be like, I'll take it. I'll take it right now. You know, I do the podcast, we're here to help. We'd love to have you on. Yeah, absolutely. Gareth, my partner is Mark. Oh, my gosh. We used to call him option one.

Oh, yeah. Literally, we don't even get to option two. We'll do bets worth each other in real life. And it's like, literally we'll go, like, we were talking years ago where he's a big Packer fan, I'm a bear fan. And he goes, there's no fucking way, Brad Farv is going to go to the Vikings. And if he does, he'll never win a Super Bowl. And I go, I think he, they're talking about him going to the Vikings.

And if he does, they're going to be good. This was back then. I remember that. I remember that NFC championship? He goes, not a fucking chance. He goes, dude,

if he does that, I'll put a fucking pull in my dick and cut it off. And I go, well, you won't do that. Because that's crazy. I was like, well,

that's also stupid. We're on a hike. You're being stupid. But would you get a tattoo of Brett Farv and a Vikings jersey that covered your whole leg that said, my MVP. And he goes, yeah.

And we shook hands. I go, deal. There was a pause. And then he goes, well, what do I get if I don't? And I go like,

we already shook, man you took option one wait for option two brother he still does it to this day gareth i'm an option one boy myself and that is why but what's key in life is to find an option two person to marry because she is so bogged down by option two that when we were furniture shopping when we moved from jersey into this place she was like i looked at this couch i don't know i went in and i went in the store and i sat down i'll take it i'll take it and she was like what the fuck i go well you did the research right Yeah, so it's a nice point. So I'm a big option two guy.

Okay. I am not a mark. Oh, I'm not. And it's not so I don't think mark or not mark has any mark of intelligence. Because I. Yeah, I just want people to be happy.

But there is the illusion that a non mark is like, well, you got it all figured out. Yeah. Just more paranoid. That's what it is? You just go like this. Can I tell you that helps the insecurity of being a mark a little bit? A little bit. Yeah.

If someone's going like this, yeah. I don't know where. it is but I know you're fucking me over. So someone's good 20 bucks. I go like this, no, no, no. And then they go, you know what you were right. It was a hustle. I don't know what the hustle is.

I know I'm not smart enough to figure it out. But I know this fucking rat. I fucking know you. Somebody goes like this. This is not a thing. It's not a matter. It's just fun. There's a marble.

Catch the mob. If you get the marlough, I go like this, I don't know what you're doing. But nobody in my group's giving you any money. If you were a cat, I'd spray bottle you right now. I'd fucking. Yes. Whatever you're doing. And they'll be like, honestly, it's not.

like this. You're not even faking me. I don't care that the CEO of Red Bulls are in there. Oh, you got a car with wings on it full of cans. Hey, let me tell you this, pal. Pretty good hustle. Do you think that's because your dad was a car dealer and you kind of watched the sausage be made on getting on him hustling people?

Kind of. So my dad. Did he use a lot or? It was used in a Chevy. So my dad was gone when I was two, came back when I was 18. So I missed a lot of his stuff. And you mean gone? He was gone.

Drunk, alcohol. party guy. Shout out. Same here. Mine clocked out of 14. Okay. But your dad came back. I heard it on a video. What was my dad? Drunk drunk. Yeah, he was like an alcohol like he was like an abandoned a family drunk like where he was like he would go on a bender and be gone.

No, he just my parents got divorced. He hung around for three months and he was like, all right, I'm going to go to San Francisco. And then I had to be like sent out by myself to go find him. And I would stay with him at my grandmas. And then they moved up to Northern California and she got. And that, It went from like seeing them twice a year to seeing him once a year to seeing them every other year to seeing them once every two. And then he died. Oh. So it was like we never got that.

He never got the finish. No, which. That's hard. I would argue for anybody that's lost a dad early or a mom and that has that kind of shit, the hardest part is going like, I thought we were going to fix it. I thought you were going to come back or at least have some resolution. So when he comes back at 18, does he come back full into your life? I'm sober or is he just go like? When I was 17, I was the youngest, so obviously I'm graduated.

How many? Three. Okay. So he soberes up. When you're 17? 17. Almost about 18. When did your parents break up?

When I was two. And then he was gone? He lived near, but it was like the Terrell Owens thing. Yeah. Where it would be like. Sit-ups in the driveway. My dad is three miles that way. Yeah.

But never at a game, never at anything, never showed up. He would call, say we were going to go golfing, not come for some of his life. Oh, man, that move. That move. Brother, that's what makes America is looking at headlights going. Here he is. Nope. That move where you'd be like, as a kid, now I'm nearly 50 and it just changes you get older.

But you look back and you go like, weird move, brother. Just don't invite. Can I tell you why there was no ability to reach people besides letter or phone? So they knew they weren't on the hook. Because my dad gave a hell of a speech when I was 11 about. catching my pop Warner football game when I was in seventh grade to the point that I was like dude I've got I was like doing more offseason training to be like I'm not going to be a bum when this guy shows up I'm going to be good and then by the end of the season I was like I talked to

him once or twice and I go hey you're coming out he goes oh the season's ending you go what do you think it's NFL you think it's 16 weeks we're fucking 12 we got eight games you think we're going deep into the playoffs for network money it's over before November it's over before November we don't We're not going to be on peacock. No one fucking cares. We're at the fucking, we're at Mission Viejo Park. But he did that thing. And did your dad, so your dad did the same thing.

So my dad would do a thing where it would be, the movie Parenthood kind of shows it perfectly with, uh, walking Phoenix. We're walking Phoenix. And that's where Keanu Reeves snaps on the guy. Yes. And Rocky Phoenix come home and destroys the Dennis thing.

Shout out. But that movie. That I forgot about that point. I know. So that scene for me when I was. I watched it, I was like, that movie's cool. Yeah. I was like, because that is what it feel you go like, because you have to play to your mom

and to other women. Yeah. I don't care. And you don't even know why because they're being sweet to you. Yeah. So like my mom was at a, my sister had surgeries growing up. So my mom and my sister were gone and my aunt was staying with us. And it was me and my brother.

And my dad said he was going to pick us up or something. I don't even remember what the context was. But my aunt told my mom and my mom was like, he's not coming. and then my aunt said Jake just let me help it was like a whole like let me help you we'll do it and I was like my dad's coming and I was sitting outside

and I remember the sadness of her but I wasn't sad because I was like you're overreacting goofy he's coming and then with eat 15 minutes I had to do the at a certain point like you know what I think I'm gonna bail on this

and head back upstairs your read was incorrect The read that I, what I'm thinking is, a catch sounds awful right about now. I just have to say something kind of like where I'm at, pardon these tears, I'm having allergies. You know what I even,

you know what I just remember does I have homework? Yeah, and something you don't want to do. You know, this old cat wants to do is I want to be in my room by myself. Literally no drama. And I'm going to put my face in the pillow and I appreciate it if you don't come in there. And if you come in, it's a joke. I'm sleeping and oh my God, I can't believe you thought I was sad. Cash app.

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family's mom be extra nice to you because she's sad about something that's happening in your house. Dude, you are preaching to the choir. I had this. Well, you know, you could, you know, you could always call me and they go like this. Also, you know, you could also bring this to school and you're going like this. Can I tell you. And this is something that I think you're very rare anyone who would identify with this. When you have to keep the other adult being nice from you from your mom.

Because you don't want your mom to know. I even say that now my mom would kill it. So there was a moment. And we did, Trish, I know you're watching, but it's true. Even, people would be so much. Yeah. I love you. Yeah.

Yeah. Be cool. Be cool. Thank you for raising you. Thank you. I love you. I love you. You gave you such a great life.

Thank you so much. But it was fucking crazy. The only reason I'm in a happy relationship is because of you please me. You're the reason. I'm a decent human being. But it is when someone was sad for you about something your shitty parent did, you tried to keep the good people. Because it was always, I would say,

someone would be like, are you sad, you're dead, and I'd go, no, my mom's both. Yeah, dude. And the one, there was literally,

I went to a great public school in a really nice neighborhood. I did not have that childhood in like a bad neighborhood. I grew up in the suburbs and I went to a great high school. As safe as it gets, whatever.

Yeah, it was not, my life was never in danger. Same with me. Not bad, everything was fine. Yeah. Literally one day,

I think there was a scheduling thing and we forgot, a lunch. Okay. I was always chubby. Okay. I was not a hungry kid. Yeah.

You go, I know when a meal was missed. Yeah. I mean, I sure had like double McDonald's after and everyone felt bad. But there was a day. The meals you got

when people were sad for you? Oh, I love the offense. I still do. I still do this stuff with her wife where she's like, how you doing from New York? I'm like, just so tired.

Yeah. Dude, that's what I do. Dude, I'm not joking. I'm going to Stanford, Connecticut this weekend. I'm going to call her and be like, I just missed you and the dog. I'm going to eat Burger King.

Is you do the side look? It's so gross. I love it. I love sloppy food. It's the best. Just food's my biggest thing. Same. Yeah.

But so we, she free one meal. All of us fucking son, those group of moms do this thing. And back then it was pre-emot where they said like, why don't we do like a meal train and we will bring lunches so that your mom can just worry about what's going on with your sister? We know what's happening with your dad.

Okay. When my mom found out. The amount of fucking trouble we were in. That's what it is. Because in, and honestly, now that you're a parent and you're older and you're in your, you know, you're in your 40s, I'm in my 40s, you can kind of see it. You go their anger wasn't that you did something wrong. It is sure embarrassment and like.

And also like you don't have it bad. Yes. What we were talking about our dogs. Yes. But it's so then what my mom would then do is go over the top. She was like, just so we never mess a fucking meal in this fucking house. We had a. basement fridge that we had to make

nine months worth we'd beat my brother and I were sitting there making peanut bar and jelly sandwiches like workers in a factory and then every morning you get and she'll go oh did you grab your fucking lunch so that this is blah blah blah blah and then you go because you're not eating enough and I'd be like I didn't fucking say anything

I didn't rat on you Trish I like my lunches I didn't fucking rat now I got to eat turkey and he that's been of frozen ice chips when he comes back when you're 17 yeah because I'm not I'm not going to lie. My dad died when I was 14. Oh, he died at 14. Yeah, when I was 14, he died. When I was 13, I had real heat for it. Oh, I had real heat. So you did. My biggest fantasy was the, my biggest life

injustice was my, you know, before you go to bed, you master ready, you do something to calm your brain down and self-soothing. You're like, let me go back to this pleasure seeking missile, right? And then you relax and pass out. Great. Mine was going to my dad's condo and beating him up and I would imagine the door, He was back in his ass into the bathroom. Yeah, it's like a penthouse letter where the better the description, the hornier you get. Yeah, but it was, it was. Ooh, as I kicked open the single lock. But it was soothing.

Yeah. And it was your, so you really wanted to fuck him up. So what happened was we would have times with my mom would get too much and she would, you know, say I can't keep doing this. Sure. It's time to go to your dad's. And we would drive to his house. We'd be begging or no.

We'd get his house. He would come out in his boxers and say no. No way. Yes. He would deny the hand. No. So get him the fuck out of you. Now it would be more like Eve.

No. And he wasn't sober. So then we'd have to get back in the car. My mom would have to do that. I say we're going to just make this work with us. And we got to start doing some chores. And I'm like, did you say something I love and that's a schedule? Because if it's about dishes, these hands are made for cleaning.

Responsibilities, please. You know, actually, everything you're saying that you like in a day is what I like in a day. Yeah. that um watching them go like fuck it we'll do it is like that's a very specific experience to have with a single mom yes where they go like that's and but you also all right we'll do it and then you go like you're either on board which i was on board yeah whenever something terrible shit would happen to us my mom would always go we'll get through this always and you're like hell yeah all right my mom has always been my rock yeah my mom has i i jokingly tease her the most now

I'm now like using her voice notes on appearances on talk shows. My mom is a character. I love her. If my mom didn't raise me, there could have been a really bad ending. When I see like a wild person under a bridge, I don't go, that alien is other than me. Yeah. I go, thank you, Eve Jay. Yeah, be for real.

I don't think that gets enough credit because like there really is a thing of like how fucking feral I would have been. If I did not have a mom, that was like, hey, don't do that. Or you're not allowed to do that. And when I would start fucking up, would be like, my mom was tough. Yeah.

And it was now it's you and me. And I'd be like, I am afraid of you physically. Oh, I was afraid. In fact, I have a joke right now. Or it's in my special John film that where I say, I watch her get older and I go,

God, I can't believe I was afraid of you. Yeah. Because I was so scared to her. So scared. The anxiety I would have when the garage door would open, when she would come home from work. When he was a bad kid too,

or I was bad at school. I was so bad at school. So I'd be like, I never was like, I can't wait to show you this A. She was coming home and I was like, I got in big trouble today because I was hilarious. When I knew trouble was coming and I would hear me a feeling right now. You're even saying that. And I would hear it would always be something would happen. It was really report cards and teacher conferences.

Yep. Calls to home. Calls to home. And I would hear the stomping. And I'd be like. Big mom, Eve is mad. I'm in big, big trouble. And you would know trouble's coming.

Yeah. What's interesting about, because is your relationship with your mom now great? Yes. And she's like probably an awesome grandma. She is. So what happened with my mom, what's really funny is it's currently happening. So when, so my dad sobering up fucked a lot up. Meaning.

Really? So he came back and was Mr. I do AA. I've changed. And my brother and. sister were more evolved and they forgave him. Because they're in their, at that point, they're in their 20s. They're just a little bit old.

They're obviously, we're more like, he seems different. And I would not forgive him. I would only meet the baby. But when he would want to take amends, like make amends, I would meet him in bars. I would smoke his cigarettes and drink Stoli on ice. And I'd be like, dead. You did like, I'm smoking marriage, dude. Look at me.

Fuck you. But also like, I know you're going to slip up. You're not. It's the dumb thing about I'm not a mark. Yeah. You've seen the intervention where it's the Rocky, the boxing coach and his two sons. Yeah. I don't know if I've seen that episode.

Where he goes like, ah! Not, but I got to look it up. It's the best one. Okay. Big Jay and I used to watch a lot of intervention together. I mean, I've seen every episode. Yeah, I got to watch that one.

It is. No, the boxer. Okay, the boxer. He's got sons. He stops seeing him. But dad's kind of like, I don't give a shit. I'm trying about, fuck you. Yeah.

And then this son. goes like, I hate you. And the dad's like, I hate you too, motherfucker. And then this, you know, it's one of the, you're like, this isn't going to be a happy ending. Yeah. They're both getting too gnarly. And then the son goes, but somewhere deep down in me,

I must love you because I'm here. And the dad goes, I have seen that. I have seen that. I have seen that. I've seen it in a five, yeah. Was like, you know, for me, it was with me and my dad's, I hate you. I hate you.

You know, and then deep down it was because I really loved him. Absolutely. And once I, the only reason. And also, I liked, the problem is, I liked him. Dude. I thought he was cool. It was fun to be with him. We liked sports the same way.

We sat the same way. He was a true chubby like me where he would go, he'd sit down and he would go, you know, we're getting cheeseburgers. Eight Diet Coke's. And I'd go, why? And he'd go, four each. And I was like, I grew up with a woman who said Diet Coke gives you cancer. Yeah. You never get more than one soda.

And he goes, we're going to get four. And he'll go, hey, I drink him so fast. You drink a fan. He was an addict, so he would go, look at what I got in the freezer. It would be 12 ice cream bars. He would go, start eating, honey, because you're going to be gone tonight. That means, where are you cheating six? I love that.

I would have loved for Gary to have gotten to a sweet tooth thing because he could cook. So that would have meant he would have been firing shit up. That was always the bummer because, so I mean, I guess I have a lot of questions because I never got to see that turnaround. At what point did you believe that he? wasn't going back to the booze years years yeah yeah I mean he got sober when I was 17 probably when I was about 35 damn so about 18 years it took to go like fucking walk the walk then what no it was we were friendlier but it would be fake he would he would always show up he would always call but then I started getting on TV and I'm like easy to like me now yeah

and I'd be like easy to call now but it would still be like but he didn't he was richer than me. He didn't eat anything from me. Sure. So I would just be like, yeah, whatever. And then overtime, over time, I just had to go like, oh, this is the real you and you were sick. So my brother and I have an unfortunate take that I'm sure people are going to dislike.

But we've always had a really hard thing with calling addiction a disease. Yeah. Because cancer's a disease. Yeah. Norm McDonnell has the phenomenal bit about that. What is it? He's like, what a disease to get. He's like, what a fun disease to have.

So I'd have out boozing. So my dad's disease took him from raising three kids. One of them had a legs shorter than the other was in and out of the hospital. And the mom had a pretty bad attitude and took him to every prostitute in Chicago, the best cocaine in Chicago. Friends with the Chicago Bulls during the Jordan era. Sick. New Michael Jordan. Sick.

Because he was a dealer, he had his car dealer on the south side. He had a cocaine dealer on staff. I love that. I loved old fucking 80s, 90s car dealing. And that was his legit, like literally would get, there'd be like a big thing where he would go like, another prostitution ring at Gibson Steakhouse. He was in all of this stuff.

Jesus. That, then when I was in high school, my aunt came and moved in with us who was dying of cancer. Sure. And I was like, just two people with diseases. Yeah, same as my dad. Oh, yours is my dad. Do you do radiation for alcoholism?

Yeah. Do your disease is killing you? His is too, but it's different. I think what it is is I think they use the word disease. And I know people that do believe that. But I think what it is is because it's a condition. And it is a condition. Because the way you like fast food is very similar to it.

And dude, the way I get into shit and the way I like shit. I get addicted to everything. And I go like, oh, I had it. Now I want a thousand of them. But also not only just food, ideas, projects. Anything. Anything. You can see why people, you know, I think addictions aren't, it's like, you know, I don't think

this is like a popular take, but I think it's true is I would rather have a substance addiction than sex, food, or money or gambling. Tell me why. Because I know I just, it's like having a food allergy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a food allergy. I can't have alcohol. Yeah.

If I ate, I'm allergic to scallops. If I eat scallops, I'll puke and shit everywhere. I'll never eat scallops. Yeah. I don't hate scallops. I don't go, I have a disease that stops me for eating scallops, but I go, I have a condition where I can't eat scallops. So I'm just not allowed to. So my buddy who got into the program, we are having big talks about this and I was being

really cunty about my dad, then being like, well, yeah. And then finally he goes, so take away the word disease and view it like, just call it an allergy. And I went, by the way, all my little bitchiness for no reason. I think it's so wonderful you're in the program. and so is everybody. You have an allergy and that allergy makes you lose control when you have a sip and you drink too much you fuck your life up.

I think that's so great for you and I just think it's so great for my dad. And I went like, oh, I'm just being a bit literally. I'm just a childhood anger about nothing and it's just a word. But the truth is my dad then did sober up, was always consistent. Great. Kept showing up. Great. And then as I got older in life, I would lean on him.

And I would find times that I would realize I'm doing something weird. over and over and I'm not seeing it. Sure. And he would go, well, have you ever considered this, honey? Yeah. And I would go, no, but that's really. And I was like, and so I don't, I feel like this would kind of hurt me in reverse

and I don't mean to because I like you. But I do feel like I got what a dad is supposed to be. It was later. Dude, brother, if you can get it at any moment, but I don't give a shit about that because I think what's interesting about that, especially for people that have lost parents, is if you understand where your parent size hole

Right. You will understand. You will understand also what bumps up against it. Yes. If you have a cut on your ribs and people keep touching your ribs, you go, don't do that. Don't do that. But they don't necessarily see the cut or the surgery scar. You're just reactive.

You're reactive. So what I saw later in life is what a dad is supposed to do. Now, I was too old. So I couldn't be like, thank you, Daddy. It's like getting $100 at Torres Cash at 40. Where you go, I can do this myself. But you also go, you know what it's actually. You know what it's actually like in terms of the toys or us?

It's like having a credit card. Yeah. And now you go, I can buy whatever the fuck I want. Yes. And you go, this was always the dream and you go, I'm not going to buy anything. But I can't. But I now get what that means. When I am, and I'm serious about this, when I'm on the road and I stop at a Walmart or a target to get something, what I will always do is walk through the toy section to go, I can buy this whole fucking thing right now.

And I don't want it. I just walk through it. I go, I can buy every fucking toy right here. because when I was little, my mom and I, you know, my mom did all right, but money wasn't,

we didn't have a lot of money. Money was always on her mind. Yeah, it was always a conversation. It was, I had to wear clothes from Target until I was in high school and I had a job and I could,

and then she would let me get a couple good pieces of clothes. But it was always like, we weren't tied on money, but we weren't rich, but I remember always going to Target and being like, damn, I want this act.

And she'd be like, no, you don't have any money. And you're like, one day I'll have money. And then now when I do, and I walk by, I go, I'll buy all these fucking GI jails.

Live question about getting a dad later in life and having kids, is there any resentment towards, like, what's the relationship of your dad with your kids? Well, he's dead now. Okay. Was he alive when they were alive? Yeah, but he was not involved. Okay. Not in a dramatic way.

Okay. So I saw this great Instagram clip that like broke me down. Sure. And it was an old man clowning around for his grandkids and then jumped in a pool. Yeah. And it said, when grandparents. love being a grandparent, it means they miss being a parent. Sure.

And when they don't, it means they never really were meant to be a parent. And I'm like, who's interesting. I completely agree. And that's like the old saying of like, if you don't raise your kids, your parents have to raise your kids. Yes. And if you do raise your kids, your grandparents, your parents get to spoil your kids. That's exactly right.

And that's what it is. It's like if you don't raise, no, I'm saying this wrong. They say if you don't raise your kids, you're going to end up raising your grandkids. Oh, that's interesting. you raise your kids you're going to be able to spoil your brain but it's the same because it makes sense because you go yes it's just putting it the emphasis on the the parents exactly but you're like i think that's totally right so my dad but my dad wasn't a bad guy he just didn't shouldn't probably he just wasn't he wasn't but here's what he wasn't probably didn't want to be a fucking

parent but he did but it was just in the old world sure here's what he wanted he wanted to go to work essentially have his women he was having a fair with party and then had the kind of woman that just put up with it because he was bringing home money yeah he wanted a gum on or He just married kind of the wrong person. And a lot of those guys made a whole life work. Did your mom get remarried? Never, never even dated. Never even dated.

Never even dated. My mom dated. Oh, she did. So there were guys around. I got bits. I got bits. You got bits for days on these guys. I got bits.

How many siblings you got? None. I was an only child between my mom and my dad, but my dad had a daughter with another woman. So you were locked in with Trish. Yeah, we were a team. She, when we go back to Denver for Christmas, we've been together for seven years engaged for three. And she will go back and go like when we leave Colorado,

she always goes, you guys this relationship astounds me. And I go, what do you mean? She's like, you guys are in a two-man band. You're just like, you're like the white stripes.

You're just like playing. You're just like, it's just you two. And it really is like there's like this. It's magic. There is this familiarity. There's this shorthand. There's this like understanding.

and also there's a quick to get annoyed, quick to get angry, quick to get... Here's a positive, and this is what I'm... Because I moved my mom to L.A. three weeks ago or a month ago. From Illinois. From Chicago. And I'm sure you have this too. My mom, no matter how much I annoyed her, was always my biggest fan. And we were, the only people I can ever relate to when they talk about moms is rappers.

Yeah. So whenever a rapper talks about their mom... Or a number one draft pick. Or a number one draft pick. But when someone's talking about what this means to that, well, not anymore. Now a number of draft picks, all their dad's trained him. Yeah, I know. This is the first NBA draft where I was like.

I watched in the 90s where you go, Ron Harper's kids going to the NBA? And he did a great job as a dad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The NBA draft for me was, well, this is what goes to show when you have a generation of men who break the cycle. Yeah. All these dads were like, I was around my kids.

And then like all the kids were like, we love her dad and I'm so much. I love you both. I love both of my parents equally. This feels like a wonderful family. Yeah, but it was. It was different. But I know what you're saying when you talk to rappers or people where you go like. But we have a deal.

My mom and I, I felt like we had an unspoken deal. Yeah. And that deal was we're going to make this work together. Yep. And it's going to figure it out. And we're going to be okay. And we are in this dance forever. And what's nice is is a lot of years when my dad came back, my mom kind of did the,

oh, well, I fucking lost a get. Then go. So all of a sudden. I'm second fiddle. And, but my mom is so old that it wasn't even that touch. I'm not guilty in you for you to take me back. Fuck you then. Yeah.

Then do what you got to do. And I'm like, I had, again, I haven't made a decision. It feels like a boss going, all right, I'm looking to hire somebody. We have an interview at one and two. You're leaving? Yeah. And you go like this. You got an interview at one and you go, yeah, but it's probably going to fuck you.

And you go, okay. Yeah, fine. I was for sure going to hire you. But it's weird. You're up in my shit that I'm interviewing someone else. it me? What I'm doing is normal here. You know what's very interesting about that is the idea of when you're raised

in a situation where the mom is overburdened by the responsibility. It's you grow up with her kind of full court pressing you the whole time because she has to. So there was a moment in my late, I think it was when I after I quit drinking where I had like a long

conversation where I was like, I love you. You're always going to be one of the most important people in my life. Back the fuck up. You did. I was like, you got to back the fuck up because I need my room for my own life. And interesting. She was very receptive to it. Cool.

Very positive about it. Saved the relationship. And I say that all the time. That moment. That fucking conversation is crossroads. To where now I can go, hey, you're hitting the barrier. And she goes, all right. And you're like, great.

But that's a woman that wants a relationship with her son. And she's also a fan. She was a fantastic mom. She was a fantastic mom. And that feeling of. you know acting very similarly to stand up is just this like you might as well tell your mom you're going into space yeah to be a fucking uh space ranger yeah and there's then there could be treasure out there yes but i don't know i'm a space pirate now i think it's gonna work but it could work and if your mom goes like just remember

to tie your ship up you go all right fuck yeah yeah that's exactly right my mom was very like hey can you please get your college degree it's the only thing i ask it's the only thing i ask is as your And I was like, fuck it. But I did stand up while I was in college. Totally right. And then I got the degree and I was like, I'm going to go to New York and do standup. And my mom was like, fuck yeah, good luck. That's how mama was.

And it was. And it was. And by the way, she didn't have any money to give me. She didn't have anything. But I know. But it was always encouraging. Yeah. It was also the other thing is that for me, the reason, the only, the thing that I still,

and I'm sure it's the same with stand up, but what I love about acting. And the question I always get that I find so bored and will they'll be like, it's a similar character of a guy down on his looks. stuck and then I'm like, well, that's just because I like that arc. I don't give a fuck about the arc. I don't care about the character's job. I'm just in it for the tone and the tone management. Yeah.

Because that's the itch and that's the addiction. It would, I would be at home and the vibe would start getting tense. Sure. And if it gets tense, things could go sideways. Which is. And I like the situation right now with this woman, my siblings here. Sure. So what if I tried to take the tone that is clear?

merely going sideways. And if I could find, not in my sense of humor, but in the rhythm of right now, with this dialogue, how do I get that woman to think this is funny? Yeah.

And when you find that, and my brother and I, that's when we became real comedy partners. Yeah. He would always, because he was always smarter than me. Sure. So he,

we would start, and we talked about as we were older, we would start making eye contact and communicating. And what he would do is he would start basically setting up premises. Great.

So my mom would be like, and the fucking mess. and I'm doing it on my own and he'd be like and I agree and she'd like you're saying that green and you go like and you'd be like and what we got to do is we have to come with a schedule and look at me and I'd be like oh schedule schedule schedule and no one would laugh and I'd be like and she'd be like it's not a fucking time and you'd be like that was a mess I went I went absurd and it wasn't and you keep going but when you land it she laughs and then when the dust settles either me or my brother would go I think you're right it is messy um if you give us a couple days

knowing if you get past this 20 minutes yeah then we're going to go back the fucking off. Yeah. But we just got to get past this 20 minutes. That's what it is. You have turbulence. Get through the turbulence. Went through into turbulence.

We both know we're taking our belts off and have another drink. Yeah. But right now you're scared. We're all scared. Yeah. That's what it. That really is. I used to have a lot of moments.

But that to me is still the job. Yeah. My thing was because I was, the power dynamic was single mom and child and she had a boyfriend who she's trying to impress. That's scary. But I don't give a fuck about this dude. I'm trying to be funny. funny. So I don't care

about what this guy thinks of me. I'm just trying to be funny honestly at the moment. And not physically afraid of him ever. No, not really. That's cool. I think there never really was a time. It never brought anyone around that was like violent or anything. Just a dude. It was just a dude and I was like well watch watch me be funny in a way

that almost will offend my mom. But if I can make this guy laugh. Interesting. And it was like kind of fun to be like I'm actually a good time. And then what Really interesting. What really kicked it into overdrive was high school with my friends. And they would be over. And I would have my friend like Danny would be there.

And I would like make a joke at her, but knowing it would land with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he would be laughing. And she's not going to get mad at him. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's going to go, Danny.

And he's going to go, I'm sorry. That's just so funny. And then there's moments where she'll be like, all right, it is funny. And I agree. And then it's fun.

So we had a thing, my brother and I with my dad, and I've told this before, but we've never talked about it. But the way I actually got, close with my dad was because he partied so hard for so long sure it pickles your brain yeah and anybody who claims it doesn't like it's CTE to party it's it really and there's a moment where you're still there and look I loved him by the end we were truly he was in my top five of best

friends not as a bit sure um but we could do a game that we used to do and that is the three of us would be sitting in room and he and I could my brother and I could text each other words and the goal was my dad's nickname was crocco as in crock a shit yeah and he's the only impression I do but my impression of his is good. I was obsessed with him. It's the only reason that people go, are you doing Colombo? It's actually my dad.

That's fantastic. And it's, he really, it was shing shangy, and it was a dance. It was this and let me take the broad shit. And so what we would do, we'd be sitting there,

and my brother would text me pink monkeys. Yeah. And I would text back like too hard. And he'd be like, you can. And I would go, hey,

Kroc, I'd be watching a Cubs game. He'd go, yeah. And I'd go, you take a bunch of red and a bunch of white. white, you mush it together.

What do you get? He'll go, a mess. We don't be like, no, the colors. You put him together. He'll go, a slap jab.

He's like, he's 75 and something. I go, no, dad, what the color? And he goes, oh, that color makes pink. You go, yeah, and then you go,

let's play a fucking crazy ass game. You go, everything you do is crazy. And I go, what animal makes this stuff? Who, a fucking monkey. My brother's dying laughing.

That's, my dad thinks, he's laughing because he did the abrupt. I'm doing the, a monkey I do in the fucking pink and he's getting that jumpy energy I go put the fucking words together he go pink whoo whu wha and like no put it put in you go pink monkey and my brother would go we got it that's so fun the three of us would die laughing that's what I that's what I wanted that's what I wanted in his sibling was a partner in crime comedically because I finally got it with her where we go home my mom will say shit and I can like look at Katie and be like it's so

It's crazy. And then it's like, I tell her on the drive back always, I'm like, I'm so glad I have you. Because it's so much better having someone. It's a relief. Yeah. And it doesn't, what I learned for a while because then I was like, I know I'm mean and I know I take my comedy too far, but I was like, I actually my heart of hearts. I don't think it's against these people.

No. They said, I'm just, it's literally, it feels good. And then I would realize it's not, it's not for others. Like I can still. That's the best comedy. It's, it's just for us. What? And I'm like that's where, but if you go back to our game, what I'm, what I've got to at this point of my life is that's acting now.

I'm truly, I'm doing a press tour right now for the dink July 24th. Check it out on Apple TV. Thank you so much. But the reality of it is I love the movie. I'm doing the game. Yeah. Because when those moments are happening, it's fucking joyful. So when you're doing the dink and it's like, you know, you're playing like a tennis player that now goes into the world of pickleball.

Yeah. What do you, do you practice tennis? I had to. So, yeah, because you had to have a good swing. So what happened on this one, which was different is Sean,

Roger Clemens with a tea, Clements, Clemens. How would you say Roger? Not the rocker. How would you say Roger Clemens with a tea? Clemens with a tea. Clemonds.

Sean, this is what happens to me. So Sean is my actual friend for 15 years. He hosts Hollywood Handbook. He's one of the best comedy writers. And like, he's so funny. Yeah.

I refer to his name as Sean Clements. C-L-E-M-E-N-T-E. Clements. Clements. I was on a podcast. He goes, what you're saying is really nice. You can see my name wrong,

you asshole. It's Clemens with a T. It made it so much worse. Don't do that because now Clemens with the T is how I'm going to say it every time. So now I don't. Now, that's formally, if I introduce you guys,

he's Clemens with a T. This is Sean Clemens with a T. Like Roger Clemens with a T. It's like the Rocket with a T. It's like the T. Roger with the T. But he and I went out and got lunch and it was pre-presidential election. Sure.

And he goes, what are you looking to do? And I was saying, we're just talking about where we're at in the game. And I said, honestly, man, I want to make something light with a lot of set pieces. I go, what I like about sitcoms is sometimes you'd get to set and the premise is funny. Yeah. And you go, oh, the crew's laughing while we're reading the scene because the premise is just a classic premise. Sure. And you go, it's just funny.

Now we're going to improvise and add stuff and add some heat to it. Yeah. But lately in the last few years, when I've gotten more into like the drama comedy, right? And you're like, sure. There's, there's not, like, we're going to find something. Yeah. But it's not clean. Yeah, you're not coming in going to, go and the setup is making people laugh.

I'm going to, we're going to be in a spot where we're winning from the start. Sure. And I go, and I haven't had that. And I think those are going away at my level. Dumongi's still happening. Sure. Or, but they're spending whatever kind. I was like, how about a small budget indie that they're.

set pieces and every scene has a comedic presence with all funny people. Yeah. And we're just going after bits. And then there's emotional heart in the middle. And he goes, uh, so what do you, he goes, I got to move. I'm working on that Ben Stiller might be interested in producing. Sure. I'm obviously a fan.

Yeah. And I go, what's it about? He goes, what's it about? What do you know about? I said nothing. I don't care about it. He goes, what do you think about tennis? I go, I don't care about it.

Yeah. And he's like, well, he then told me the premise. Uh, I'll give a spoiler, but it doesn't matter. But he said it's based in real life. He used to play tennis. He got hurt, his back. He wanted to get back to tennis. So he started playing pickleball to get back to tennis.

He went to a court in Beverly Hills where there was these older women, like 75-year-old Asian ladies. And they asked him to play and he was really embarrassed because he used to play, I think, in college or high school. He was good. Yeah. And he was like, it's okay. And one of the ladies he could tell was getting pissed off and was like, please play. And he was like, no, I'm just. And he's like, play.

And they killed them. Really? Because part of the game when you first start, it's just all angles. Yeah. So if you know. where to hit the ball. You're just not going to, it's a wiffle ball. Sure.

So he then got beat and then these old women who've never been able to do it, started talking shit. Great. And then afterwards, they said, play with us again. And then he started going on and getting coffee with him. But then he started getting embarrassed because he got caught up in their lives and he was becoming friends with him. That's fantastic.

And he was telling me, I was like, all of this I love. And then he goes, then I want to invent you and one of them start having an almost will, they won't they. And I was like, really fun. And then I'll give something away because this is what sold me. And he goes, but then you decide. side, fuck the age. I'm in.

And I'm not scared no more, right? And I was like, fuck yeah. And he goes, she's fucking awesome. She's fucking hot. We have Mary Steenbergh. Mary Steenbergh is hot. We're the best. You don't land Tim Danson without Ted Denson.

Yeah, agreed. Without being beautiful. She's a smoke show. Yeah. And Sean and I were both laughing. Then he goes, so then you like, make the move. And she goes like, no. And I go, why should you say no?

And he goes, you go, if it's about the age thing, I'll screw. I'm. You're 30 years older than me. Who cares? And she goes, I'm not sexually interested in you. That's very much. And I went, Sean, I love this movie. Yeah, you go, please let me do that.

I was like, okay, and then we started, we put it together. It was really indie. That's very fun. And also that's where comedies live now. Yes. Comedies aren't going to be able, because you know, everything you're describing right now makes me think of that period with like role models. A hundred.

And all that shit that was coming out where it was just a good setup. And that type of movie. Yeah. Which was the movies I watched going, oh, those are what I want to do. Sure. Somehow just disappeared. Super bad All these movies

That just go Oh a high school party They need to get booze That's a movie How about forgetting Sarah Marshall Unbelievable a guy gets cheated on And he writes jingle He writes the music

Everybody who just comes in Are comedic killers That's all it is That they come in for two days That's what it was I mean you know And Apatow is great at that With 40 year old virgin

And knock up Get him to the Greek All these Get him to the Greek But he would be like Bring in Kevin Hart for knockup Yes Just come in for a scene

Have that scene And so we want And part of that is got to fucking shoot in L.A. or New York. Yeah, because you have to have people that are around. I'm willing to drive over. Yeah. So Sean and we're like, let's put this together.

Keep the budget small. We got our other friend, Josh Green. Jake Zamanso was going to direct it. Sick. He's unbelievably talented, dude. He got, had to go back to jury duty too. Great. I mean, that fucking first season was unbelievable.

I don't know how they're going to do it. Yeah. The second season is funny. They casted someone that I love that I saw. Ian Roberts. Ian Roberts is great. There's someone else. What's her name?

Lisa Gilroy. Oh, Lisa Gilroy. She's like one of the funniest people out there right now. now. She's killing it. She was on something where you go. Oh, hell yeah. But yeah, go do jury duty.

Go do your job. And then we got Josh Greenbaum, who's unbelievably talented. Yeah. So he came in. We had a group of friends. We made it independently, raised money. And then Apple came out. And now we're pushing it like it's a studio comedy.

But it's actually a little ending. I love that. And it's on Apple TV July 24th. This is the most sincere plug I've ever done on a podcast. I think we've done a lot of episodes. Is that real? Yeah. John will tell you.

you this is the most sincere plug we've ever done on a podcast because I genuinely was like yeah and then check out the day on July 24th on Apple TV and usually I got to go all right is saying you can see the Lake below we just fucking walked into that god damn you have me driving off the lot in a Cadillac I know a Chevy yeah and I'm going to put you in you know what I'm going to put you in a course again I'm going to tell you why because it feels sporty yeah but you don't you're not showy like you know what while we're here why don't you get me a Tahoe for the lady Let me get a red dog And I'm going to give you a deal

That's going to blow your fucking money Dude Jake Jake Johnson One of the best One of the funniest people working We're just A dude that's Had a like a career

Where you're like Every time you pop up It's up at something You're like This guy fucking rules So I'm so happy You're able to come through the podcast Yeah I'm a big fan dude

The Dink July 24th Apple TV You fucking rule Thanks You too man What a pleasure Yeah thanks

That was fun as hell That was fun It was fun That was fun That was like