Soder - 26: Ski School with Andy Haynes | Soder Podcast | EP 26

Episode Date: May 8, 2024

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I'm following this P Diddy stuff. I know this episode is not going to come out for a couple weeks but yeah I don't I know like what I've heard but then I like somebody was saying that there's like way extensive like he might be connected to the death of Tupac. Well the guy that killed Tupac the guy they actually got arrested for the murder of Tupac was the gunman's uncle who was bragging about it on the vlog podcast, I think, vlog TV, vlog TV. And he was like saying like, I, I was in the car when we killed Tupac. Like I, it was his nephew, I think who has passed away.

And then they arrested them. They were like, Oh, well we got you. So they like put him in jail and he's like, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. But then he immediately, as anyone does when they get arrested, just starts spilling the beans. And he was like, P did he three times offered me money, me and the Crips, I think it was to kill Tupac, like a million dollar bounty. And this was like in 97 homeless pimps nodding Because I know he knows this shit better than I do

You read the bio the guy's bio Diddy's bio I love that if you're getting a biography written about you pay the guy right? Why would you not? Because if you don't pay him he's just gonna make shit up. There's a dance dance afraid spiders. I'm like, I'm not afraid of spiders like finished with the book and he's a wet So now he just gets a giant box of Sean John denim outfits. Yeah. Yeah, what the fuck? This is the payment Jean no one's into all denim anymore. Then he just is like, let me open chapter four back up Did he wasn't even good at dancing. Doesn't like heights. It is crazy though that like, I'm not saying he's Epstein,

but if there are a lot of Epstein-like allegations, and it seems to me, and this is just a dumb white kid from the suburbs who's saying this, there's a similar energy in what Epstein did with investors and their money and what Diddy did with musicians. Was that they didn't really do the thing, they just facilitated a lot.

Where like Diddy facilitated Biggie being big. That's the best gig, just being a facilitator. Just being like, oh, I'm gonna put you, you're the greatest rapper I've ever met, I'm gonna put you over 70s greatest rapper I've ever met. I'm gonna put you over 70s Yeah, 70s beats in like music. I'm not even gonna make the beat I'm just gonna stay sure to take it and then we're just gonna put you over it and then we're gonna make a ton of Money and then he just went on a run

Yeah, is there there's beef with him in like a state of biggie to write his flight took off and he went to an island With his sons right i don't know i just know his plane took off and i know that they went to an island that doesn't do that doesn't extradite really yeah which is that's all right that's the innocent guy thing to do yeah you're definitely innocent you go you go no no no i just needed a second i was gonna go to tobacco oh my god you guys are so you guys are being such dicks about this. I was going on vacation. Can't a guy go get some sun and fun in with some out?

This is fucked up, I wanted to get some Soca music. But also, let's just play the flip side, little devil's advocate, absolutely the move I would do if I was in trouble and I had a plane, I would go, well, we're leaving. It's not like you got gotta book a flight on Delta. You just go. It's so wild, cause like, I don't even have a kink, you know?

Yeah. Like I don't even have a kink. I like good old meat, potato, sex, you know? That's gonna be, that's gonna be the kink in 20 years. Yeah, of course. Is there gonna be like, like your kid is gonna be like, dad, you're a sick fuck. You love intimacy?

You love kissing mom. Oh my God. And it really is becoming, it's becoming all this Huxley's brave new world. Where they're like intimacy is bad. It's all about gang bangs and orgies. It's like everybody like lives with a group of friends until they're 45. And that is fuck, which honestly pretty fun. Sounds like a rip. Yeah. You're also like, uh, the idea of being having a kink and then loving your kink so much. Yeah that you become Worldly wealthy I feel like I feel like I would be a better comic whatever everything if I had some sick darkness

Yeah, like I look at like a lot of people who are like the Louie thing you go Yeah, yeah Make sense and you have to lot of people who are like... Like the Louie thing you go, yeah. Yeah. Makes sense. And you have to... Shot him to the top. You have to go like, I have to be so good that I'm above the darkness. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I'm going to be so talented that it's going to take years for people to find out the darkness. It's literally like Batman was like, I got to get Bruce Wayne rich to keep this up. He goes, God, I love putting on a mask and beating the shit out of poor people. I need to build out this cave. All right, what if Wayne Enterprises starts making like weaponry?

It's reverse, if Batman in reverse really is what Diddy is, where he's like, oh, I love feet. I'll kill my parents. I'll pay somebody to kill my parents. And then I'll just build up. I want to throw boomerangs at people and not get in trouble. Yeah. It's crazy.

It's crazy that Epstein was like, I love children fucking them so much. I'm going to go become teens. I mean, let's be fair. Isn't there a word for, yeah, it's like he be a file. Yeah, something like that. I love the guy that pulls that out. Not bad. Not bad. word for, yeah, it's like he be file. Yeah. Something like a file. I love the guy that pulls that out. Not bad. Not bad. I mean, dude, the second you make that distinction was like when I was an alcoholic and I would be like, well, I'm only drinking beer. It's like, well, you have a problem. Yeah, I don't have a problem. I just have to have my friends handcuff me to something every once in a while.

So what a pack of cigarettes out on my testicles gets me where I need to go. Sorry I created cold fusion. That's like the thing where you go, sorry I invented a fuel source that is ever renewable. My whole thing when I was drinking and blacking out was always like, sorry I'm so much fun. Yeah dude, that was my thing.

And then I got into therapy, and my therapist was like, you're not fun. Oh, I couldn't even get to therapy because I got arrested six times. It was like- Geez, how old were you when you stopped drinking? Well- Did I know you? A little, a little, but I was like bad

in my late teens and 20s, early 20s. And then I kind of did mid 20s where it was like like I'll have a beer but everybody who's drinking with me you need to know that if I have four I'm gonna I'm gonna try to finger your wife there was like a warning yeah you go this is pretty cool it's like hanging out with the wolf man yeah where you go it's fun that moon goes full fucking run yeah get out of here get out of here what is crazy it does make sense that you and Rosebud ended up together because you are like

the wrong side of the tracks in your early twenties. And she was like the cute rich girl that's like, I can't, you're too dangerous. And you're like, Oh, I'll fuck this whole thing up. But then you guys met later in life and it worked. But the, so what I'm saying is the OC would have worked if they were adults and work through their problems. Ben and get Ben and Mishka. Mishka, yeah. Misha, Misha, Misha.

Misha, yeah. No, that's a fighter. Kelly. Misha Kelly. But so you quit. So I got arrested a bunch in like 19 or 20. Where'd you get arrested? Lake Tahoe, Seattle, Bellingham, where I was like in college.

Okay, but Tahoe. Tried to be a professional skier. Tried to be a professional skier. Were you that good at skiing? Yeah, I was like in college, okay, but Tahoe tried to be a professional skier Tried to be a professional skier like that good at ski. Yeah, I was really good I wasn't good enough to be pro and I found that out when I went down there It was like mainly like a discipline and finances kind of thing real It was like you and a bunch of like French kids and there were Swiss kids. There were some French There was a lot of Americans that like went to ski academies ski academies a real thing. I thought that was like an 80s movie There's actually a kid who's killing it in comedy right now. He's like one of the guys that created that sesh place is Lucas Elnick, he's like a really good skier that went to a ski academy

I'm fascinated by this because I grew up in Colorado. Yeah, did not ski skied Maybe it's I mean, it's six or seven. It's an absurdly expensive There's some people who can do the like a basin go up and sleep in the back of your truck. Those are my friends. My friends would do that. My friends, my high school friends got really into snowboarding. Yeah. And I missed it. I completely missed it. Tried it once. Worst day of my life. Yeah. I mean I just got. Did you snowboard? Well so I was supposed to go to snowboarding when I was 13. I got caught shoplifting and they said no snowboard.

And that was like your punishment. Yeah. No, you don't get a snowboard for Christmas. But I was already so good at skiing. It really would, it wasn't fun to snowboard. Did you start young? Two. Two years old. Yeah.

And your dad, mom would take you up. Where would you go skiing? Whistler was the first one. Canada? Yeah. And then like Stevens Pass, Crystal, mainly and then like Central Oregon, Mount Bachelor. Yeah, and was that like your thing? Was that like, if I was friends with you,

if we were friends when we were 10 years old, would I know like, there's some weekends Andes go skis and we don't hang out. Every weekend. Every weekend. Every weekend, yeah. And were you like amped for it during the week? I was pretty fucking excited. I mean like in elementary school, before my dad moved to the East Coast. He had a motorhome

He picked me up Friday night. We'd go to the mountain and we'd stay in the motorhome till Sunday night. That's unbelievable Yeah, it was and then you just ski all day. Yeah, and there was like a little community, you know Like everybody brought there and we'd have like she's of fire names. That's always in the 80s like ski movies They're like nicknames for the snowboarders I probably did but it was like probably about how I was like a reckless asshole You know, I was totally fearless and then I like back bowls and stuff and like just go like on places where there were no Trails when I was in high school. Yeah, that's when I started doing that stuff when I was like actually competitive What I was doing was big mountain, which is like where you jump off cliffs. That's what I was gonna ask

Yeah, did you ever go out of a helicopter or anything? I never, I never had the money for a helicopter, but I definitely like, I want to get so successful. I can fund your ski kink. Yeah. Yeah. Where I can just drop you out of a fucking helicopter. That was always the coolest.

Whenever they'd play those videos. Yeah. You know, like when you were renting ski equipment and they would show like, Oh yeah. Yeah. Warren Miller and all that. That's Colorado porn. Yeah. Like people put those guys jumping out of helicopters and people that

moved to Colorado skier like, Oh fuck. Oh, well that's funny because like it, it really will like take over your entire, there's people whose whole life is just dominated by that desire to do that one sport, which is really bizarre. It's amazing. But, but that's like, um, you have to be so rich though, to make it like, you have to come in with a lot of money or you design a life where you like literally live behind the Albertsons in silver 10. Yeah. You know,

God damn. So you probably went to like veil. Did you go to all of them? Like, yeah, I mean I didn't do a lot of call. I did be request coast mainly when I was in like high school, college, big bears actually kind of shitty big, I mean it's in LA, so you're not going to get like powder or big there's occasionally they'll get like a dump and people will like put together. It's mainly about park, which is like the jumps, the half pipe, the rails. Yeah. Well skis. Yeah. I mean, I went skiing last year.

That is crazy with those guys less like Ari and Mark. Yeah. Yeah. And Ari does a ski, Ari Schaffer does a ski trip every year where he goes to either Park City or Colorado Although he got like too big this year and he was like I could just sell this room out myself. So funny No store is needed. Yeah But it was an amazing trip and I it was like the one time where I was like I had the upper hand on everybody And yeah, well you're now you're doing your thing. Yeah, where they're like, oh you could upper hand on everybody in a comedy situation. Now you're doing your thing. Where they're like, oh, you could fucking, it's kind of like the way I felt when I found

Krista Stefano was like two time all American division three basketball player. And so you're like, he'll be very modest about it now. And I'll be like, you can pick up a basketball and play. And he's like, ah, kind of. And I'm like, no, no, no, I can't pick up a basketball and play, but you were like so you don't ski often now right? This will be the first year that I haven't

skied if I don't go skiing before the season's end. Do you? I used to go. Is there an itch? Yeah for sure it's always like at the beginning but I'm so racked by all the injuries that like I'll ski like a couple days and then I'll be like oh man it's like kind of crunchy I like compressed it like lower part of my spine. I've blown out both knees. This one got operated on. Would you do that thing, and this is for everyone at home, that's like me and Zoe watch these ski videos

where you see the knees going up. That's moguls, yeah. Yeah, you do moguls? I was never that good at it. I trained for them, but I never mastered that perfectly. There was this guy Who I always it was joking around in high school and college was like Like the perfect guy. He was a male model an Olympic skier and a football player for the University of Colorado

His name is Jeremy bloom. I actually I know of Jeremy bloom. Yeah. Yeah, he was like he's like an audience in the Olympics Yeah, yeah, but he also was a kick returner for the University of Colorado I played him in seven on seven football. He was like the fastest kid I've ever seen in my life And he was a male model. It's so and he was like you're like, how do you If you have that guy like me and you're just like I've got like a pair body and I'm just like I can do a good macho man Like I sucked at football and I would see that. And it was like, when you grow up, not good at anything.

Yeah. And you see someone like that, there is a feeling of like, oh, I'm just a piece of shit. So it's gotta feel good when you can make people feel like that. When you go skiing with like Norman and Ari and all that. I can only do it with normies because like when I actually went out with the other guys that Were at my level like I'll tell like I think I've said this before but like I was in Tahoe I was 18 or 19 years old. I'd realized I was not going to make it

Did you show up thinking you were hot shit? Yes, you showed up being like here comes my Seattle kid I knew I wasn't the best. I mean this was like the ski scene was exploding There was already celebrities, but we were me and a couple guys were the same age. You're best. I mean, this was like the ski scene was exploding. There was already celebrities, but we were me and a couple guys. Cause we're the same age, you're 40? I'm 41. 41, so we're the same age. Yeah, I'm about to be 41.

And we're doing a road gap, which is like you jump over like a, like it was just a two lane highway, but it wasn't like. That's like a video game. What are you playing? 1080 on N64? It wasn't crazy. It wasn't giant though.

It was like, I don't give a shit. You're jumping a road, dude. I couldn't't I couldn't go off a jump in rollerblades I fucking one time on rollerblades I took a jump and I was wearing wrist guards and I came down and knocked the wind out of me So I was just doing that thing in the front long So you're going you became a baby calf Cause I couldn't fucking breathe. So you're going, you're jumping a fucking- You became a baby calf.

Yeah, I was like, oh, hello. And then they're like, sodas sucks at everything. But you jumped a road. Yeah, well, but I was getting ready to jump it. It was like the first couple of jumps. And I was with like these two kids that were like,

you know, 16 or 17, I'm 18 or 19. And I'm also like very aware that I'm an alcoholic already. Already? Yeah, because I'm blacking out at parties and really making an ass of myself. Yeah, but then you're just ripping it on the slopes. Kind of, kind of. But then everybody else is lining up

and they're talking about what they're going to do. And they're like, I'm going to do a back flip. The other guy's like, I'm going to do a misty flip. And the whole time I'm going to try to get from this side to the other. Yeah. And when I thought about that, I was like, oh, this is over. So yeah, you just show up. There's just a different caliber of guys. There's just a Swiss guy who's like, hey, American, maybe you can follow me on the other side.

You have European bad guys in your life pretty quickly. Yeah, there's guys that were just like, they were just so like good. This is nothing compared to the Alps. Yeah. They're just like guys that could just go like 20 feet in the air doing like multiple flips and spins and just casually land. And if I do it, I'm going to like break every vertebrae in my back. Did you ever try to do that shit? I mean, I'm... Here's where I think you should deserve some of the credit.

The attempt. The attempt at doing a backflip on skis or doing a misty flip on skis. I've actually never done a backflip but I've done front flips, crazy, 720s, I've done kind of like a cork 720. That's insane. Yeah I mean I was like I was really good but not I'm trying to think of like what the... Does that does that make you drink more when you show up and you see these guys and you immediately go like I'm not in their class I mean I think I'm very much I think they were correlated very much because it was like I got down there thought it was going to be literally the

movie hot dog or ski patrol like I thought it was gonna be awesome yeah you know you were doing out cold you're like here we go who's my gal if I'm gonna have the craziest sex and it's gonna be wild Yeah, some blonde girl whose dad owns the mountain and you have to You're gonna be like sorry Misty's not into you unless you win the open totally I thought I thought it was gonna be exactly because I'd gone down my senior year for a competition It's funny cuz your wife's name is like a name that would be in a ski movie Really Rosebud is in India unless you Rosebud's dad said that you can't come to the ball. Sorry bro you've got to win the race. I'm working valet I'm like I'll see you on the hill tomorrow. Your dad's just like a

loving guy in a van. He runs the he does the cat at night. Yeah everyone goes come on man you know we're different than them Andy. You're like I'm just telling you dad. We didn't need all those fancy thrills. Remember when me you, your mom would just hit the slopes. I got those days are over dad. Oh, God. I love it. And then you're like fucking waxing your skis. Oh, yeah.

Oh, dude, that is incredible. I never knew that about you. When you wax skis, when you fix a hole in the ski, you use this stuff called P-Tex. Yeah, it's like this plastic and you set it on fire and it drips onto the hole and becomes part of the base. And it makes the sound of a zipper when the drip falls off. It's like one of the most satisfying things in the world. It goes, it's on fire too.

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through the 18th. Five shows. Get tickets at DanSodar.com and then Columbus Funnybone. Two nights at the Funnybone. One of my favorite clubs in the country. I love coming to Columbus. Last time was a blast. May 31st and June 1st I'm gonna be at the Columbus Funny Bone and then all the dates of Burt Kreischer's Fully Loaded Tour. We're talking three weeks in June. Going to be going from places like Canton, Ohio, Savannah, Georgia, Macon, Georgia, Pittsburgh, Brandon, Missouri, Orange Beach, Alabama, Indianapolis, oh Indianapolis is later. I'll see you later just by myself.

But fully loaded tour, go to dancestor.com slash tour. Come on out, I'll see you. I'll see you there, right? Right? Right? Is there a world where you're 60, 65, you and Rosebud have enough money, do you just go live in Vermont and ski or like live?

I mean if you're gonna do it like that, you gotta go you don't it's not worth it. Go to Utah go to go to Colorado So I grown up in Colorado. This is like a through line in most of our episodes. I was just a poser in high school Yeah, I was just like didn't skate didn't BMX couldn't do anything. I have no I was very similar Just so you know, we were actually doing shit, but I would always, when I moved to Arizona, I became like, when people would be like, Oh, I go skiing. I'd be like, not in Colorado. Like I knew, and I only went like a handful of times and I'd be like, nothing's like veil on the back. I'm not going up to Prescott.

It's not worth my time. Sorry, dude. That's all ice. So when you go, like when you're going up to be a pro skier, what is the first move in that? What is like the first, like, all right, I'm going to go down to this mountain and live. Well, so how it works is like you are a kid and you do ski lessons or whatever young, right? And then you get good enough and they go, Oh, you should join the race team. So you join a race team, which is the gates, you know, you're doing the columns and things like that.

Sometimes people will go straight to like moguls or freestyle, which is the moguls or the big jumps where you're doing multiple flips. Yeah. Or if you're fucking insane, I've never met a long jumper in my life. That's the one where it looks like they're flying. Yeah. Are those the craziest out of all the skiers? I think that one probably has the highest. um, besides the guys who were doing like giant flips off cliffs that's or, or the park, I mean, but it's like different. So like, it's like, kind of like almost like comedy or jazz music or something

where you go through and you start doing something very formal, like three racing or moguls training and you have coaches and you're doing trampoline exercises and you're going to the gym and all this stuff and then the stuff that you start doing on your off days, which is the park or skiing out of bounds and things like that that you get so good at that then you can compete in those competitions. Okay, so you kind of find your way. Yeah, if it's like, oh, I was good at doing flips on just on the weekends and shit. I'm going to do that for real. If it's like, Oh, I was good at doing flips just on the weekends and shit. I'm going to do that for real. Well, there was also like, I was right at the transition where it was like there was the park and that was for snowboarders and skiers did moguls. And then one day skiers just started going into the park. Did that ever bump up? Like all the movies said,

not for my generation. It was like, cause we were, we were, we were young enough. That's a snow snowboarding was like mainstream by the time we were in high school. Yeah, I remember there was a couple mountains when I was like five or six that didn't allow snowboarding. Now it's only Alta. Alta for some reason still won't allow snowboarding. They still won't.

It doesn't make any sense. Damn, they're like the masters where they won't let... You know, Augusta still doesn't let women in and they just let their first black guy in and they're like, we're working there and they're like we're working there and they're like no snowboarders if we if we catch you with just one ski you're fucking out of here no mono skis Yeah, no mono ski, but so was there any temptation to go to snowboarding or you like course? Yeah, I was in Seattle I skated and it was the height of grunge. It was like yeah, of course Yeah, gonna go Terje Hackinson the greatest snowboarder in the world lived in Mount Baker. It was like

Everything I wanted it was so much cooler than skiing but then about three years later skiing got cool Yeah, and so I was like who like peekaboo Street and like Johnny Mosley Those were all the the Olympic athletes these guys they were called the French Canadian Air Force And it was this guy that like I think a couple of them are dead now. JPL Claire, JF Cousson, there was a couple other guys. I know them because I went to their camps in the summer in Whistler. And they would be like, you are not going to fly unless you want to fly with the fresh Canadian.

It's actually funny because one time they- You do not have a first skin, you will never get good air. You do not know how to ski on ice so you are pussy. Yeah, they're just like Quebec. Well, that's the whole thing about the East Coast too, is like they all ski on the worst conditions. Yeah, it's all ice. They learn how to do these crazy things

that we don't even try to do on soft snow. And then they move to the West Coast or British Columbia and they are like, what are you guys talking about? This is the easiest thing. And like a day that we'd be like, this is too icy. They'd be like, this is powder. Yeah. But I went to their camps. So Whistler has a glacier that is'd be like, this is too icy. They'd be like, this is powder. Yeah. But I went to their camps.

So Whistler has a glacier that is open all summer. Okay. So you put your skis on the back of the ski lift. You take the ski lift up in your sneakers and shorts and you eventually get to the glacier. You put on your snow gear, you ski during the day and there's jumps and there's moguls and there's all these things.

It's very specialized. It's a glacier. Yeah. That's awesome. And they ran camps called, I don't even remember what it was. I think it was called high north or something like that. But JF Cusone, one of my heroes, one of the greatest style freestyle skiers. He I wasn't good enough to compete in the last days like

big air competition. Sure. But he was like, you should just jump naked. It would be funny. And so I was like, all right. And so I like ski down naked. Maybe 18. Okay. So this is, so he's not that much. I don't know if we're going back to like a PD situation where we're finding out you got groomed by a skier. I just start crying, but I'm still telling this story. There was a lot of touching that I wasn't okay. Let me put on my boots. No, no, no, in Quebec, this is how we show a sign of trust.

This is stretching. No, no, no, let me stretch you out. I'll stretch your butthole. But I crashed. And- Naked? Yeah, butt naked, I crashed and- How cold is that? Oh, it was the worst.

I had like scratches all over my ass. Oh dude, I bet your wiener's bright pink. And they were playing the video- Just rolled around your a little pig tail at the like celebration that night. And he just kept on like rewinding and fast forwarding cause it's just my, my dick has shriveled so smile. Look at your little penis. The French comfortableness of sex in America. You'll get these. If one American dad's there, he's going, what the fuck are you showing? Hey, we got to get out of here. Logan. Hey, we're not, we're not okay with this. All right, Skyler. He's going what the fuck you Sean. Hey, we got to get out of here Logan

Hey, we're not okay with this. All right Skyler. Let's get the fuck out of here He goes look at your little balls your little hairless balls. They are talk so nicely into your body Fuck fuck you guys. So he's got you to jump and then you crashed and then he made fun of you Yeah, this guy actually sounds like he's pretty awesome. He's pretty awesome and then he made fun of you. This guy actually sounds like he's pretty awesome. He's pretty awesome. But yeah, that was like up until I think, I moved back from Tahoe when I was 19.

I went to real college. So you moved down to Tahoe to be like, let's fucking go. Oh yeah, I didn't get to this. So I thought it was gonna be Hot Dog. I thought it was gonna be Ski Patrol, the movie, right? Yeah, you thought you were showing up, you're gonna get the babe, you're gonna win all the races. Yeah, it's gonna be partying.

So I get down there, nobody will rent us an apartment because it's me and all my 18 year old friends. It's for 18 year olds. And now that I'm 40, I'm like, those are smart. Yeah, of course. Smart move. And when we finally got it, like, what is this? What's this?

You guys are so fucked up. And why don't you guys believe us? We have the money. Yeah, and at 40, you go, no, no, that's good. That guy is doing good business. Yeah. That guy's that guy's doing good business. Yeah. Fucking smart. And so we lived in a, we lived in a motel on the Nevada California border for like the first one or

two months connected to a casino. So you're pretty close to Reno. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Reno's my airport. That's how I'm getting home. Okay. And, um, and also like, you know, if we're going to have a day, we're gonna go to Reno. You're going to get Chinese buffet. You're going to buy like, you know, some skate shoes, you know, if we're going to have a day, we're going to go to Reno, you're going to get Chinese buffet. You're going to buy like, you know, some skate shoes. Yeah. You know, stop by the Verizon store. Look at all the fucking flip phones. Yeah. Fuck, that's sick, dude.

That's sick. You could text so fast on that pad color, dude. Oh, dude, that's fucking sick. Where they are when you're in this ski, when you're going to be a pro skater, pro skier in Tahoe, is it the same kind of energy as like surfers have? Are they like, what's up bro? Like that kind of like. I actually left, like that was another thing

is I was going to school at night. I'd always been like into creative stuff and kind of, this sounds very pretentious, but I was like, you know, I was into like intellectual stuff, right? And I was at, my school was in the truckie high school at night that's where my college was okay satellite campus so like this little junior college had classes in the high school at night it's very funny that you

were like this skier that's bettering himself yeah well everyone else is like hey do you want to go rip lines and fucking party with town babes and you go hold up I'm learning hey I have a sociologist. Quiet down guys. I'm learning algebra, but at an advanced level. But, um, there was like two famous Oscar or Tony nominated actors came to town to do like a play or something and in this small little theater. And I was like, Oh, I'm going to go see that. I just like seeing shit like that.

And I saw one of my snowboarder friends there that was like a pro and he was like, dude, this sucks. And I was like, what? And he's like, we have to go to this play. This is gay. Yeah, they suck so bad. These guys are just going to like fucking talk and not throw themselves.

It's like structure or whatever and like fucking talk. And not throw themselves. I don't, it's like structure or whatever, and like three acts. And I had to pretend like I was like, yeah dude, this is socks. Dude, it's so funny when you realize all the stuff in your late teens that you were into, that you had to feign like you weren't. Oh yeah.

In order of acceptance. Well, cause you also had single mom, right? Yeah. So it's like, the whole thing is, is like when you don't have a of acceptance. Well, cause you also had single mom, right? Yeah. So it's like, the whole thing is, is like when you don't have a man in your life, you grasp at like what it means to be a man and you go way too far. That's exactly it.

You also become like, I only watched my dad socialize in the setting of a bar. Oh yeah. So my identity of talking to men was bar conversations. So that's why sports, I'm such a big sports fan because I could be like, see that Warriors game? And then I'm having a conversation with a guy, but we're having a conversation and I'm like,

I'm doing it in my head. I'm like, I'm manning. You're like, I'm being a man. Now I just go like, I go, um, I'll be like talking to somebody and I'll, in my head, I'll be going, this is going pretty well. You're doing good. You're acting real normal right now. It was exactly how, cause, um, one time I was on a podcast and this lady was like, did you ever try to, uh, piss off your mom's boyfriends or like get them to leave?

And I was like, no, I wanted them to like me. My mom never had a boyfriend. Really? It was so wack, yeah. What do you mean? She's, you and your... She just closed up shop. After your dad?

Yeah, it was real weird. She just, I think she went on a couple dates and like I would hear her talking on the phone about it, but I'd never met. You never met a guy. There was never a romantic partner, and it was just my dad, and then my dad moved to the East Coast,

and then the men in my life were gay men. And so then I would go to high school, and dudes would be like, so I was fingering this bitch last night. Yeah. And I'd be like, yeah, was it, did it, was it wet? What did the pussy do?

What did? I remember one time I was, I was cybering, you know, on AOL. And I said I was like a 23 year old guy. Yeah. And you know, it was probably another guy at the other end, but it said it was a lady. Seeing another teenage boy. Yeah, me and another boy just gay and off not knowing it. But I was writing like,

she wrote like, my thong is full of come. And I go, you girls can't come. And the lady was like, what? How old are you? Huh? I was like 12. And I was like, Oh, well, but I said, I was like a 23 year old guy. I was like, I don't never fuck. I gotta go. Door shut on the conversation. But you, I mean, you're like, um year old guy, I was like, I don't never fuck. I gotta go, bloop, and then the door shut on the conversation. But you, I mean, you're like, you know, talk about being a poser, you're like,

being a poser is a guy. Oh yeah. Because you're like, I don't know what the fuck to do. Yeah, and I mean, like, I, so I'm like, going to school in the hood, and it's like, the height of gangster rap, and then skateboarding and grunge, and I'm just this little. Did you have long hair?

At some points, but I was chubby too. Okay. It was just like so awkward. So you look like the oldest son in the home improvement. Kind of. Yeah. Okay. And then visualization, uh, my sister is like, uh, around 15 becomes a

militant dyke, you know, and so it's like, we have like activists and then my uncle's like old gay caddy friends. Yeah. There's not a fucking old gay catty friends. Yeah. And there's not a fucking guy like within arms reach. Yeah. So I'm constantly struggling. I remember I like was listening to gangster app and I came home one time and I was like talking to my sister or something. She said something. I was like, bitches ain't shit, but hoes and tricks.

And she just punched me in the nose and then just spit in my face. It was like, I got fucking bodied by my sister. My mom was like you deserve that. She also saved you from yeah, of course, right now this conversation right now you be like haha, you know, I mean, show these just be all up on my ship instead. You're gase like yeah, it's like flat brim, but it's like sitting on the top of your head like this and you're like you'd have that fucking you'd have yeah dude I would love you by ain't nothing better than a girl getting all creamy like oh no one even talks like that but it's great you had a gay sister that was like shut the fuck up yes sir yeah yeah

I mean when you're when you don't have a dad around you are constantly looking to fill that in any way you can and most of the time It was like now I had I kind of went through the opposite where my mom and dad broke up My mom started dating immediately So I went through all phases of guys coming over from the start of them going and who is this? I'm like my name's Dan all the way up until I was 18 and they're like, how you doing? And I'd be like, good. How are you? It was like white baby boy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it was exactly like that. Cause I got big in high school. I got big like my junior year and I was working

out. I was playing football. Oh, you were playing football. I wasn't good at it, but I was playing football. I was good at running into people. That was it. But I would, I was working out a lot, taking weight gainer. I was like trying to get to like 215 pounds Yeah, that's like what I wanted to get to and I remember just like going to the weight room every day and it just changed The way my mom's boyfriends would approach me when I'd come home. They'd be like, hey, that's awesome And I'd be like I got a lot of issues cuz my dad You probably did smoke I was already smoking. Yeah, so I was just like hey, did I remember one time?

I was like, I was already smoking. So I was just like, hey, dude, I remember one time, my mom went on a date with this fat redheaded dude and he came over to our house and I drove a 96 Dodge Stratus. Yeah, dude, it was pretty cool. It was like half graduation present, half paid for by me. Sick. It was in the driveway and the guy walked up

and he goes, whose gay ass car is that? And I was like, it was in the driveway. And the guy walked up and he goes, whose gay ass car is that? And I was like, that's my gay ass. And I was like smoking with my friends. I was like, that's my fucking car. And the guy was like, all right, all right. It was like a moment where he was like, oh shit, okay. And then my mom went on a date with him, came back. She was like, that guy sucked.

And I was like, yeah, fuck him. He called my car gay. Ginger bitch, get out of here. I would always like, I was, I was, I was never confrontational, but I was, um, a little aggressive when my mom would bring guys over. But at first, when I was a kid, I was like, can I be your son? I was like, will you pick me up and hold me on your hip? Well, I think there's two kinds of, there's two kinds,

and I'm not saying you fit into either of these. So it's kind of a flawed theory, but I've always thought that there's like two kinds of single single mom boys. There's one you're close with your mom and you kind of understand women. There's a little bit of confidence of it and you kind of end up like a little bit of a like player, like a, like a Pete Davidson or something like that. I have a friend exactly like that who grew up with a very stylized mom. She was like into fashion. I think it's a young mom thing too. If you have a friend who I had a friend exactly like that who grew up with a very stylized mom She was like into fashion I think the young thing too if you have a young mom my mom was older. Yeah, my mom was older

I grew up with my mom like a roommate. Yeah, like we grew up. That's how I grew up with mine where I was like Hey, I mowed the lawn. I'm gonna hit it. I'm gonna go out. She'd be like, all right, come come home before midnight I'm like would catch me with weed and she'd be, listen, I can't tell you not to do it, but I think it sucks. And I'd be like, all right, well, cool. That was when I was 16, my mom was like, do you smoke? She called it dope, which I always thought was funny because you're like, that's heroin.

Yeah. But my mom was like, do you smoke dope? And I was like, uh, yeah. And she was like, cool, I used to too. And then just went back to watching the news and I was like, so what does this mean? Yeah. And she goes, well, if you're going to smoke weed,

I'd prefer you smoke it here, not in the house, but like backyard or garage and don't drive. Like no one's allowed to drive, but I'd rather you do it here. How old were you when you really started? Oh, I was like 14. I think I started at 12. 12, I started smoking cigarettes.

I think I, this is crazy. My mom was not that proactive. She had her moments, but I think of primarily live with her Yeah, always. I never lived with my dad other than like summer. Yeah but My friend's dad was a was a deadhead. Oh, it's like the Grateful Dead are coming the actual Grateful Dead Yeah, and Jerry Garcia. Yeah, and I went to two years in a row My mom just let me go and it was like very obvious. Yeah a more Colorado version of that is I went to two years in a row. My mom just let me go and it was like very obvious. Yeah, a more Colorado version of that is

I went to Dave Matthews band every summer and would just get annihilated. Dude, we would do Dave Matthews at the Gorge. Yeah, oh my God. Yeah, we would usually, we did Red Rocks one year, but then we would do like, you know. We are the character, when black comics do the white guy, but it's us.

Yeah, it's Hank. And it's also what I find the best about black comics impressions of us that they really nail is the like finicky nerdiness. Oh, yeah. We're going to know like the frustration where you go like, well, that's not exactly what you're like. Yeah, goddamn it. When I saw the first time I saw that on Def Jam, I was like, fuck. Yeah, I love the details where it's like you get home and you put your shoes in the closet. You're like, fuck.

You know, you might fucking be getting home from the bus stop, want a snack. And you go, yes, yes, I do. Usually there's brownies cooked. I kind of cut a bunch of carrots up like earlier in the week. Oh, you don't like ants on a log, Jamal. You don't like ants on a log. It's peanut butter and raisins on salary. It's fun and delicious.

It's so fucking good. Yeah, but when you grow up like that, it's interesting because like, when I grew up and I talked to my friends with dads, like real dads, like Shane. Like Shane's dad was like a dad. And you're like, that's a different kind of world. You're like a-

Vecchione, Vecchione was like- You're such a fuller person. Vecchione was like- You're such a fuller person. Vecchione was like, well, I think you have a confidence of a man being around. Yeah. So you have like, so that's why I'm saying when you're doing this ski school and you're able to like go and do a jump over a road, I don't even have that confidence. Yeah. So that kind of confidence I think is, by the way, I'm not criticizing it.

I'm genuinely saying I think it's fucking awesome that you were able to be like, I'm going to jump this road in my skis. But it was weird because I lived in the city. So I literally would I be at a party and I would like be like, I'm actually kind of nice at skiing. But skiing too is a weird one. But you want to say, did you want to say snowboarding was there a moment where you were like, I would put on ski movies and be like, I can do that.

That's so funny. And everybody at ski movies and be like, I can do that. That's so funny. And everybody at the party would be like, this sucks. That would be like me putting on the Simpsons when I was young and doing the voices. Where I'd be like, yeah, I do Ralph Wiggum. Watch this. I'd be like, my, my, my face, my face is on fire. I'm like, that's, that's me. The girl's just talking to the jock next to you.

The issue is, I don't know who's, that's me. The girl's just talking to the jock next to you. I don't know who this retarded guy is. My mom's my best friend. I love my mommy. That's the sandbox. I'm not allowed there. That's where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things. And she goes, yeah, my pussy's dry.

Cause you're right. Cause the guys with moms that they were close to got the women. burn things. And she goes, yeah, my pussy's dry. Cause you're right. Cause the guys with moms that they were close to got the women, they understood women. I mean, I'm not going to give out the names cause there's two of my friends who were straight up pussy hounds, but also close friends, single moms, very style, like very like stylish. My friends that had like young, like young moms that were kind of like, let them in on that world and treated them like,

like my little, My little man. My little, my little son. They were, they were like fucking in their dark, their tinted out civic. You know what I mean? They were just like selling me. Oh, they're like, yeah,

I just got a blow job before biology. And you're like, I haven't kissed a girl. Yeah. I have. Nobody's ever touched me down there. You know what's so funny? I'm trying to hit on girls and like, yeah, I just got a blow job before biology. And you're like, I haven't kissed a girl. Yeah. Nobody's ever touched me down there. It's so funny. I'm trying to hit on girls. They're like, can I make you a cocktail and put on some Bonnie Rae?

And they're like, old mom sons are like, hold on. Let me put on some Simply Red real quick. I don't know if you noticed this, but I cleaned the kitchen. What the fuck are you talking about? You want some savin' yawn blanc? We're 15. Yeah, you ever had a nice souffle? And she's like, what the fuck are you making me?

But then when I got, because in college, I didn't get girls my age. I got older women. Oh wow. And that makes all the sense in the world. I was such a bad drunk that I didn't get any. Really? Like occasionally, but it was so messy. I was such a bad drunk that I didn't get any. Really? Like occasionally, but it was so messy.

I could drink like an older man. Oh yeah. So I'd get drunk with these older women and then they'd be like, this young guy's into me? And I'd be like, lady, ain't no young woman into me. Like that old soul shit is only good for older pussy. Oh yeah. You're not getting, I wasn't getting like babes at Arizona,

cause I went to University of Arizona. They looked right through me. You were getting like disillusioned to like wives, second wives. It was when I started working at KFMA and I was getting like early thirties when I was like 20, 21. That's great.

And there would be like, oh, this young guy has like an older personality. That's awesome. And that's when I started realizing like, oh, I'm being funny gets the attention. Did you skip the entire fake tan and platinum blonde? Oh, yeah, they never fucked with me. Yeah, they never the second I thought here's my foolishness and moving to Arizona. I thought it was going to be like CU Boulder just in Tucson. And it was day and night. Yeah, because I was used to going. just in Tucson and it was day and night. Yeah, yeah. Because I was used to going,

my friend Zach's brother Josh went to Boulder and Josh was our friend. So we'd go up there and stayed his apartment. We'd go to like, you go to the Hill, you go to like these like house parties. Even the frat parties were more like animal house than anything. Yeah, yeah. You pay, you get a cup, you go in and we were like-

A little bit more laid back too. Way more laid back. And the frats there were like, Oh, if you paid for a cup, you could come party. Yeah. And everyone was smoking weed. Everyone was listening to the dead fish, strange, reggae and shit. And they'd be like drinking. And it was like, everyone was, it was like what I expected college to be. And then I moved to Tucson and I was like, this is the, this is day and night. It was all cocaine and Range Rovers and people being like you don't have your

dad's credit card and like I don't even have a dad and if that's rough man and I hated it yeah I hated it and I was gonna transfer my freshman year I was like I'm fucking done I'm gonna go to Boulder or UNLV had a friend at UNLV I think my friends live there pretty Pretty fun school. I went up there and I was like, this is pretty fun rebels. Yeah. The road running rebels. And I was like, uh, am I transfer? And then my mom was like, my mom just said this simple thing where she goes, ah, you know,

I thought you'd give it a year, a year at least. And I was like, ah, I don't know. I don't really like it. And she's like, I just, I don't know. I didn't really think you were a quitter like that. And it was like, I don't know, I don't really like it. And she's like, I just, I don't know, I didn't really think you were a quitter like that. And it was like, well now. She pulled out that. Yeah, and you're like, well now I'm staying. That mom assassin trick. Yeah, and what I ended up doing is,

I ended up getting into college radio my second semester. And then I was like, oh, I kinda like this. And then I got into radio. I started working at the radio station in Tucson and doing standup. That's fucking awesome. and that was my life Yeah, like I was I would go I'd hang out with people from you of a but mostly Thursday nights I was at the open mic or at the at the show at laughs

Just trying to get a guest spot and then I was working at KFMA overnights every night That's so I was like really hanging out with people that were 28. Yeah, and I was 1920 and I was like, Oh, this is where I want it. These are the people I like hanging out with. Yeah. I think that was kind of similar. I was, but I was like, I was in this, I liked school. I always liked it. I went to the hippie school. Like it was like definitely my speed, but it was just like, I didn't care. So after you do this junior college, after you spend, I just go to Western Washington university.

So you just were like, once you gave up skiing, you're like, I'm not going to Western Washington. I still wanted to ski, but I didn't really know. I think I wanted to go to film school or something like that. I didn't really know, but somebody had told me, you know, get a like undergrad or something. And I could still ski a bunch in this town Bellingham. It's like right by Mount Baker, biggest snowfall in the,

in the world. It's got the most snow in the world. Did you ever do the thing? I'm always interested by people who can like play the piano and like do that moment where they just like sit down and they go like and then they just start like jamming out. Yeah. Did you ever not tell anyone you were good at skiing and then like clip in and be like like you get to do the thing with your goggles where you go hey try to keep up. I you put it in your head. And then you go, foo, foo, foo, foo, foo. I wish that I had that kind of composure,

but I think I'd probably fucking. You'd be too excited. I know myself, I'd just be like, you're gonna fucking be blown away by how good I am. Yeah, you blow your load on the car ride up there, you're like, I'm gonna fucking knock your socks off with this shit. But I don't know, I mean, I might've played it cool,

because I definitely like, in college and stuff, it was like I dated girls that skied and shit. So it was a little bit better. Oh my God. Yeah, I think I probably got laid a couple times with some moves. Just for my being fucking incredible at skiing. But not when I was in Tahoe.

When I was in Tahoe, what I eventually ended up was like living 15 miles into the woods. Like you literally, like sometimes the roads weren't plowed. And all my friends would call me from like Cal Poly slow and be like dude I had the craziest orgy last night it was like I saw one woman today and I think it was the male lady you know like and I followed her for 15 miles in the snow yeah and then I was a blackout drunk. And so when I went up to Western, I just, I kind of drank and fucked up for a couple of years.

And then I saw Bill Hicks, that DVD of Bill Hicks live. I have that in the other room where it's got his HBL half hour, his Montreal hour, and his English, his special from England. And so I, I watched that. Shout out Celeste from my college class that let me borrow that DVD and I still have it in my other room. If you want it back Celeste. Come find it.

And you know where to find me. New York, New York. But I saw, oh I'd been a summer camp counselor every summer too. That was a big thing and I'd done like. Damn, there were so many young girls that had crushes on you because you were probably like the cool. That was my, that was the only place I think I've ever existed where I literally was the man. Yeah, you were the counselor that skied and was like,

oh Andy. It was perfect. Yeah, they're like, oh Andy's so cool. It was, and it was like the most beautiful place in the world. But anyways, I saw Bill Hicks DVD and I said, oh, I can do that. So I literally Googled open mic.

There was one 90 miles south at Giggles, which is now Laughs. And I went and everybody that I saw sucked. And I was like, all right, next week I'll come back. I'll just suck. You know, you can suck at this. And I did for the rest of my college year, I, it was my senior year, I did Sunday and Monday night

in Seattle, Wednesday night in Vancouver. Damn, you go up to Vancouver, go to like comedy meets? It was closer than Seattle, it was 60. Yeah. Yeah, I love that room. Yeah, the Art Street, it's closed. I know, because they got into a fight. Yeah, I know.

Because the brother owns the hotel and then he got into a fight with his brother and they shut down. You can't have your comedy club then. You can't have your awesome club that everyone loves coming to. That was one of the best rooms in North America. It was unbelievable.

It was perfect. You were in the hotel, you just go down to the basement, you walk in, the room was like perfect. It was, yeah. Yeah, that's kind of, it's funny because we found comedy in a similar way where I was like, I always wanted to do standup, I loved standup, but I was always like, well,

I'm not funny enough for standup. And then I went and watched it open mic at Laughs, Laughs with an S in Tucson. And I went with my buddy, Sully and Pete, and we got drunk on 40s in the parking lot because we were like 20. And then we went in to watch and I was like, I can do this.

And then I just came back the next week, had a decent set, then bombed for like three months. Yeah, did you do the thing where you had a couple of decent sets and then you were like, you guys should come out and see me? I did the thing where I had one good set, was like, come out and watch this,

and then the bomb happened, and then it kept happening. And then I was working at KFMA and one of the guys on the morning show, a comic named Dave Ashley, who's passed away but he was really cool and he pulled me aside and he was like, you're doing mics, right? And I was like, yeah, but I'm bombing.

And he's like, are you writing jokes? And I was like, hmm. He's like, you gotta write jokes, dude. You gotta like go up there prepared. And I was like, huh. I've been going up there just fucking winging it. I was really lucky, because I watched Comedian. Oh, I was obsessed with it.

That was what I watched before I started. You know what's funny is I understood jokes, and I knew what jokes were, but I never, I didn't put the two together until. Well, you were also probably really funny in your social group. Yeah, I was the class clown. So I was just like, oh, you just class clown you just class clown it but comedian I was obsessed with yeah

Yeah, my friend Zach bought me that DVD our senior year high school, and I would watch that I mean, it's why I'm such a massive Colin Quinn fan. Yeah, I mean I I think I watched it I haven't watched in a long time, but I'll put it on I used to watch it every time I got something Yeah, as like a remind yourself where you came from kind of thing. I used to do it once a year. I had done it about a couple of years, but you put it on and the first time you hear Manny go, I feel that there's a certain compulsion for comedians to get on stage and you see young Sherrod bringing Jerry Seinfeld up. It'll like, when I moved to New York,

Joe Liss and I would bond when we became friends by quoting comedian when we were in the room of, so like we were at Stand Up New York and one time we were quoting the Glenn Miller band story. And Liss was like, right. I quoted that the other day. He was like, it's right fucking here. Liss was going nuts.

To this day, Liss and I will go, what are you doing this weekend? This weekend? Working here. When Colin was in the tuxedo? Yeah, yeah. So what about, you gotta work, work work work. I fucking love Colin He goes I'm telling you sir in his coffee goes a think tank bit

He goes the Palos got a friend in a tank tank Nick, where's your friend in the think tank? Oh, dude that movie I'm upset if you haven't watched the documentary comedian watch it It is the best documentary about stand-up comedy ever done I don't know how to do this anymore, but if you can get the physical DVD, I have it. Watch with the director's commentary. Colin and Jerry. Colin and Jerry.

And there's a part where Ornie goes, they're all afraid of me, and Colin goes, nobody's afraid of me. Yeah. Yeah. My favorite parts were Colin complains that there's not enough Diet Coke in the room. Really?

Yeah, there's like a, I think there's a small moment if I remember, he goes, I don't know, I could get a Diet Coke, and you're like, that's so cool. I'm like, what are you a fan of? Can not bottle. Yeah, that's so, dude. That's great.

I'm gonna watch that again. So, what, the name, you got a special out right now on YouTube. I got some old stuff. Like I did like a kind of crowd-worky thing. I don't know, I guess it came out in the fall at some point. Yeah. It was just like, I gave an email address out to people fall at some point. Yeah, it was just like I I gave an email out address out to

Some people going to the show. Yeah, and I said write me topics and then I'll open the email 24 hours before the show I love it. It ended up just being crowd work because it was just like I would try a bit and then I would bomb and I'm Like so who's visiting? It turned out really fun and it's on your YouTube Yeah, and then I have an especially from like two years ago called the coward of Gramercy Yeah, and then she's an unbelievable. Oh, thanks, man. I fucking love that You had some fucking you had some bits on there that make me want to punch a wall And that's how you know, it's a good special you actually

Because I've always really looked up to you comedically when you came over to me at Gotham and you said that astronaut bit Man, like did the shake your head thing? Yeah't say anything else? I was like, yes. Yeah, Duder, I love getting mad about a bit. I just told Adriana Iappalucci, I saw this, she has this Palestinian bit that I was like, it made me so fucking mad. That's how I know I love a joke when I'm like, I want that, I want a bean feast.

I want a bean feast. So at the end of this, check out Andy, he's fucking hilarious. He's the man. At the end of this podcast...