Soder - 34: Ate All The Snacks with Rachel Feinstein | Soder Podcast | EP 34

Episode Date: July 3, 2024

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But I do know that you're living in like a nicer apartment that you deserve. I know that. Well, it's cause my wife has done well. That's not cause I've done well. That's cause my other half has done. He doesn't like deserve to live in like a shiny doorman building. You're deep trash. But let me tell you right now, you know who the doorman like. You?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I could pick up a shift for them. Why? How do you charm them? I just talk, well, they're just like dudes. Yeah, I always had crushes on doorman. Did you have, how many doorman buildings have you lived in? No, I would nanny. I never lived in a doorman building,

but I always nannied in them, and I would think. Oh, yeah, you're like, you're, you are perfect prey for a doorman. You just come in. I am always very attracted to them. It's like by the uniform. They're like, hey Rachel, you know I got the keys to like every door.

I can tell you how mail delivery works. Speaking of trash, I'm impressed by the dumbest shit. If it even sort of looks like a suit, I'm all in. Yeah. Yeah, you are someone that could get trapped easily. I started dating a doorman where I nannied, because I thought he was hitting on me, but he was just helping me.

But then it just ended up the way he did. You get jealous because he's doing it to other women? Yeah. You go, what was that? And he goes, she lives in 4B. Because none of my boyfriends have ever tucked me into a car before though. I was just like, you good to get there?

Like that's not the way I've never been protected like that. I think that's your next moneymaker. Write a dating book called treat her like a doorman. Not treat her like a doormat, treat her like a doorman. Where they just go like, open by asking about the weather. They're all hot enough for ya. And they go, it goes, yeah it is. Oh God, my husband loves talking about the weather. They're all hot enough for ya. And the girl goes, yeah, it is. God, my husband loves talking about the weather.

We all do. Really? I love it. Why? That's my opener. That's my opener every set with a doorman. Yeah, that's because you're high though. You're so high right now, aren't you?

No. No, really? No, I've actually scaled it back. Yesterday was when I broke my sobriety. Really? I went two and a half months without getting high. I'm proud of you. And then I got real baked last night.

Yeah, but I think you still are. I think you got baked. Oh, it's, I have a, I honestly. It's very much in your system. That's the most accurate anybody's been on this podcast. I have a level, I have a layer of resin around my brain that I felt when I quit smoking pot. Cause I'd just be sitting there and I'd be like,

I feel fucking ripped. But I hadn't smoked in like a month. What I'm fascinated by is like, I, I don't smoke weed because it accentuates every quality. I've been trying to erase my whole life. Like I don't understand. It doesn't like help anything. Like if I have a drink, like I'm a fun loving time.

If I have even like a hit, the fact that I just said hit is pretty dumb, but that's what you say.'s what the children say you really do look like the lady cop right now you are your Kamala Harris blazer to lock us all up you guys have abracadabra we got them we got them they're gonna kick in be like where's the dope found the reefer stick. Yeah, the reefer stick. It's in the north bedroom. Taking a, taking a. Surrounding down.

Let's drown them out, boys. But no, taking a hit is what they call it. It's what we call it. OK, well, my mom found weed. Yeah. No, I found weed in my mom's drawer. She said she'd never smoked weed before. And she, and then I found, I went through her drawer

to look for jewelry or something. And I was in her room and I found the tiniest dumbest looking joint like it was just fool's errand yeah this thinnest little thing I was like oh mom she goes well that's actually not mine and then she goes it's your father's friend Jerry Lakers who's a rock and roller so that is the best story I've ever heard your mom did what we all do to our parents yeah I was like, that is the best story I've ever heard. Your mom did what we all do to our parents. Yeah, to me. I was holding it for someone.

I don't even, I got caught with a lighter. When I was in middle school, we would take our family vacations where my mom's business trips. So like if she had business in Phoenix, we would be like, we're going on a family vacation in Phoenix. My mom did the same thing, but with outlet shopping.

All our vacations were like Liz Claiborne outlet. I'm like, we're not, we're in Redner, Pennsylvania. We're only here because you want to get some fucking Liz Claiborne pumps, you bitch. A nice Talbot's outlet. Trish would go nuts. She was like, Trish should fuck up an outlet. A Talbot's outlet for my mom was like the bat signal. She was like on the roof. She was like, we're going for savings.

You know, it's so funny you say that I genuinely have a Pavlovian pole towards outlet malls, probably because of my mom. Me too. That's the thing. It's like, I make fun of this shit, but still like, I'll fuck up a dollar store. I bought, I just bought some gym shorts at the fucking dollar store. You go to like, do you find, you're lucky enough to find like a Nike outlet. Oh, you can get in there and get

sweats 12 bucks, dude. I was driving to Providence up to comedy connection and I was like making great time. I was like, Oh, I got all the time in the world. And there was an outlet and I was like, I'm going to go back for that outlet. And then as I was looking to see how complicated it was I was like damn it Dan you're doing all right you don't need more. Which outlet did you want to go to? I know I do like it that's a promise like I mock my mother but still like there's a pull towards me which is especially problematic like as a Jew that I'm just like really pulled towards

the discount like my blood drags me over there. Yeah. Oh, it's happening again. Savings. I was wondering if I could get it, buy one, get one free. It's like, are you noticing now that you're a mom, do you have more, are you cutting your mom more slack? Definitely. Are you like- Also I need her, you know?

Yeah, like she gives you the playbook? When you're a mom, you need your mom because then, because you need help and you can't just have some random skank helping you with your kid You know like so rich people do that I know and I mean not that I've never I don't have a babysitter but like if I'm gonna go away for a few days I don't want to leave it. God knows like I don't know So I just beg my mom to come up and then she does and then it's like she infuriates me But then I'm like, thank you. Thank you. Oh my god

Like I was trying to pack my daughter's goody bags for her school. And I was like, mom, can you run to the store and just grab like a few things for the goody bags? I said, mom, it's like she, there are four year olds. And I was like, this. So what was these goody bags just to be, was it like?

It was her birthday party at her. And that's what I remember goody bags for. I don't know if that term had taken on a new meaning. No, it's true. That is true with some weird parenting words, but no, it still means what it means. And in her little preschool in Queens, we were doing a little birthday party at her school.

So I had them mostly packed. My husband's worthless. Like he was jogging until like the last minute we were supposed to be at the school. He showed up like 13 minutes late jogging and they're like, thank you for your service. Yeah, but how sick is Pete's torso? I bet he doesn't have a melted candle like your boy does.

I bet Pete's looking tight in a nice, great, I bet he can wear a gray T-shirt. That's how you know a dude's in shape. If you can wear a gray T-shirt, I'm so jealous. For some reason it shows our boobs and our fucking side handles the most. I mean, gray, I've never heard that term. I just know, I have a gray t-shirt that I love

and I wear it and I'll catch myself on a walk. I didn't know that it showed mantit. And I'll be like, look at your little handles, you fat pig. Put on a different colored fatso. But I bet Pete looks great in a gray shirt. It's so funny how guys will do this thing with Pete where they'll like, it's almost like they have a man crushing him.

But to the point that it really hurts my feelings feelings. Like on my wedding day, Yannis was like, I couldn't take my eyes off Pete. It's just not what you want a man to be saying on your wedding day. Oh my God. He stepped down that aisle first and I, I knew why Rachel was doing this. Multiple guys said that to me. They commented how she looked. I'm like, you're supposed to say something with a bride. What the fuck? Becky always just staring there. He's just, she's gorgeous.

Christie's always like, I'm not gay, but I'd let him sit on my lap. Like, if he fell there, I'd let him sit there for a few minutes. So you have your mom go get good. So what is in the goodie bags? Because this was always how you judged the kid. OK, so what I put in the goodie bags, now they're four years old, so I put in some sort of Mario toy, because I like Mario, you know?

And I put in like a little ball and some other thing, I can't remember. A bouncy ball? Yeah, like a bouncy ball, okay. Beautiful, two for two. Yeah, thank you, thank you. And then some sort of cards, like I don't know, some trading card nonsense, okay? We're gonna do it later. Garbage pail type shit.

I'm kind of wishing you would have brought a goodie bag for me. All of these two, three things. I do want her goodie bag still because I'm still a comic and a child. I always kind of want one. Oh man, a Mario toy, a bouncy ball and cards? Throw in a snack. So I was like, mom, all I asked my mother to do is I was like, just get a few more things that are appropriate for four year olds. And I said, and then get something that's all the same for a snack. Cause if they have different things, they'll fight over the shit. So I was like, and then it pre-wrapped candies, like,

but not like something they could choke on because they're forced. So no, like hard candies. My mom came back with shit stickers, like poop stickers. She's no notes. She goes, well, then she starts weeping. I go, mom, these are, they're shit, mom, they're shit. I can't like, but shit stickers that are good. My mom goes, well, Rachel Louise, I thought they were chocolate icing.

That's really funny. I could, if we were in blow pops. Yeah, but they're too little. Like you can't, I look like a crazy slut now. Like a dumb whore that I give to kids blow pops and fucking shit stickers. Also an invitation. Sorry, my husband's all sweaty.

I've been waiting here in my blazer. You know what I mean? Cause I'm a little naughty whore. I would argue, I could argue, shit stickers are perfect for four year olds. Because they love part jokes. But the parents are going to look at them. Like, I mean, yeah, I mean, I make butt jokes and I try to just get a laugh because I'm still a comic.

Like, I'll say anything to kids. Like, my... Yeah, that's, that's what I want to know. Like, how are you trying to make these kids laugh when you're picking your daughter up? We go, I just want to close. Yeah, I just want to like get a laugh. I want to close strong. So like, I did this game with my niece for a while where it was

called Mr. But and we would just go to this land where the suit lived Mr. But and like and my my my sister-in-law like called me it's like my husband's say I can even think okay it's my husband's brother's wife. She was like so can you tell me a little more about Mr. Butt? And I was like, she's like, she's been asking for it. She needs notes. I think she was just like, what are you doing with my kid? Cause we would play this little Mr. Bike.

Basically I've just make like dumb butt jokes to get a laugh, you know? She was just kind of circling back, following up on it. You go, I'm killing. That's what I'm doing. Why don't you ask your daughter why I'm top of the mountain as far as adults she wants to hang out with? Have you?

Because I've known you before the baby, before you were married. I've known weird Rachel the entire time. How are you? You never believed in me like as an adult. Like you were always like, oh yeah. Well no, because I don't believe in me. By the way, I just know who we all are.

I don't believe in Yannis. I don't believe in you. I don't believe in Sam. No, you were right. You were correct. And just like, I like to think I could trick people with my blazers and like my jewelry, but you always, you spotted me for the trash I was.

I feel like, I feel like comics with each other. Sometimes you're like mechanics. You're like, that engine don't run. I don't care how nice that body is. That engine don't run. You always knew I was a little dumb. Like you're always like you don't have much information, do you? You just find the weakness in all your friends. Yeah, I respect that. That's what everyone does. Of course, I respect it. Hi person on the internet.

It's Dan Soder, stand-up comedian and guy that wants you to come see me do stand-up comedy on the road. I feel like if I point it does a lot more. It's a lot more efficient, but also maybe not. I'm on Burt Kreischer's fully loaded tour three weeks in June tour in the country with some of the best comics working It's just a giant party check out all the dates at Dan Sutter comm if you're in the area buy a ticket and then Indianapolis July 18th through the 20th I will be at helium comedy club in Indy for five shows, buy tickets right now. July 25th through July 27th, I'm going to be at the Addison Improv outside of Dallas. Hey everybody, what if in 2024 you got a little bit better every day? When you're learning

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What has been your biggest brush up with other parents? Like, do you take things too lightly around other, like, is that a hard thing to? Well, many times, I've joked about it in my special, but I just overshare like way too fast at the park. You know, I have a joke, but I just, this really happened to this woman. This kid comes up to my kid,

actually this part isn't even in the special, I cut it out, but this kid comes up to my kid and she wants some of her snack. And I was that kid that wanted other kids snacks. Like I had entire fucking relationships based on snacks. I didn't give a shit about this bitch. Like I was there to clean her out, you know? So I would go to my friend's houses.

We had snacks that were so fucked up. Like my mom was a social worker. So we had like government cheese and like, like shit that just makes you want to hang yourself. So you didn't have anything fun, like a fruit pie, the full gushers. No, we had nothing fun. My mom found out once that I was taking the chocolate chips out of the trail mix and like

confronted me like I was a thief or something. She's like, it looks like you're taking the damn chocolate chips out of the trail. Like so much shame. I like that you were breaking up trail mix like, like, like leg weed, you need to take the seeds out of it. Like, get that out of there. Fuck, I just want the good shit. take the seeds out of it? You're like, get that out of there. Fuck. I just want the good shit. That's exactly what I was doing. So you, your mom never let you have like, um, variety pack of chips. No, only one time did she ever let us have something fun. I remember because we were, we actually went to the one good vacation we went to, which was Hershey park. That was good for me. And we were, I, we were,

I think there was an outlet near there though. Um, and that's why we were, I think there was an outlet near there though and that's why we were actually there. But we were at the Hershey Park slash outlet vacation and my mom and dad, my dad threw my brother because he used to throw us a lot but like he wouldn't like hit us but he would just throw us if we were in trouble. I'd like you to illuminate or maybe expound on this.

So your dad would toss you. Toss us, hurl us. Into what? Usually towards safety. So we weren't ever really, but it was still very jarring. So you'd be in the middle of doing a bad thing. Like we would be fighting or something like, and all of a sudden you just felt your dumb body

just lifted and hurled. So he would scoop and toss. Scoop and throw. I thought all parents scooped parents just hurled their kids Where would you lay in the couch? Usually the couch or a bed so I was like I never really got like hurt when I was being hurled But I don't think it's like parenting. I like your dad does stuntman abuse He goes now listen here. She's gonna take a couple things, but it's gonna look worse than it actually is

That glass was pre-broke so you going through that actually was planned you're gonna take a couple things, but it's gonna look worse than it actually is. That glass was pre-broke. So you going through that actually was planned. That is so funny. You're right. He abused us like a wrestler. Yeah. Which I kind of dig. Old Cogan. I dig, dude. Throw your kid in the sharpshooter. Let him tap out. Let him know who's boss. You're right. He abused us like professional wrestling. We never really got hurt, but it was some wear and tear on our bodies. I love that. You and your brother are taking bumps, brother. You just call your brother brother. abuse this like professional wrestling. Like we never really got hurt, but it was, but it was some wear and tear on our bodies.

You and your brother are like taking bumps, brother. You just call your brother brother. You go, well, what do you want me to say? Brother? That was dad was working stiff tonight. Working stiff is amazing. Really put some shots on me. So he would just- By the way, between my brother and my dad hurling me, there was just so much going on physically because my brother was obsessed with wrestling. Always had this wild look in his eyes, just bright red all the time.

You're like, ah! And he would either do, he would either, I was never not in a headlock. Like I was always in a headlock or a half Nelson. And then I had ways, like deals that I would make with my brother to get out of the Nelson. He'd be like, all right, you bring me like a constant stream of snacks

while I watch your W WWF or whatever. Did you learn how to like stick your thumb in his ribs or stick your thumb in his armpit? Did you learn the release? I would more just like try to terrorize him in other ways. Mentally. Yes, and the dumbest things would piss him off. Like his name was Justin.

And I'd be like, everybody thinks your name's Bobby. It's not even a good insult. I don't know why. I don't know why. But just the way you said that, I knew that you could put stank on that pitch. Yeah. And that would make me so mad. I'd be like, shut the fuck up.

Who says that? He'd be like, my name's not Bobby. I'm like, oh, cause I heard around town your name's Bobby. And he'd be like, I'm not Bobby. And then my mom would come in and I'd be like, ah, and then he, and then my mom would come in I'd be like and then he would finally just like Bye Bobby that is it's a warfare it would take I'd be like, oh Bobby I think someone's on the phone for you Do you think that would still make him snap now as an adult? Do you think you still have that?

Maybe he still does jujitsu. A lot of like nebushy Jewish guys are like have secret rage and they love wrestling. Like Jewish guys love wrestling in the NBA because it's just everything they're not, you know? Yeah. My brother told me once that we were on the way home and he was like some guy passed us and he like gave him a weird look and I was like, what was about my brother's like oh I was just like imagining killing him in my head and I was like that's alarming nice he's like oh guys do that like whenever they see a man pass

they quickly imagine killing him I'm like I had no idea to defend your brother we do do a lot of John Wick here's how it would go down. He like gave him the jump slug. I would pull him from the door, slam the door on his arm. Now he's down, now you go for the neck. So you do this? I've done it. So like if you're walking home at night,

and a guy doesn't have to be threatened, by the way, it's just like some like, just some like normal looking tiny, like this guy was in. Go for the throat first or the knees. This is walking down the street, baby. This guy comes. We all do that. I think, I mean, living in New York, I think you stay on guard, but I don't think about killing them. We were in Santa Monica. Yeah, you're fine.

It was dead wrong. That's so funny. Yeah, your brother needs to get that checked out. He just had a wild look in his eyes. I was like, what's going on, Justin? Because I'm just mentioning removing his body parts. But when you're- He also, but. I was like, what's going on, Justin? I'm just mentioning removing his body parts. But when you're- He also, when I was a kid, he would take me and he would put me under the water at the pool and he would, everything he would make Chinese, whatever the kind of torture was.

Chinese water torture. Yes, you know about Chinese water torture? Chinese water torture is to drip on your forehead. That's when you pin someone's arm down and then you just pour it on their forehead. I wonder if that was ever a form of torture used by the Chinese government or if like just American kids made it up. Let's go to a caller. Tammy from Des Moines. Let us know.

My husband's from Beijing. He says it is a thing. So funny. The first thing that on my phone is we're looking up stories and Madonna's getting sued for starting her shows late, but also for putting like a guy's suing her because he said topless women were doing sexual things on stage and you're like, you dork. He was suing her because he saw it. She'd everyone's suing everybody for everything now. That is the one of the dumbest things I've ever heard.

Chinese water torture or a dripping machine is yeah so it's a real thing is a uh this is on Wikipedia. I feel like I saw that in Princess Bride how could that be real? No that was the stretcher that was when they were stretching. That haunted me as a child for years. But this is a Chinese water torture or a dripping machine is a mentally painful process in which cold water is slowly dripped onto the scalp, forehead and face for a prolonged period of time. The process causes fear and mental deterioration on the subject. The pattern of the drop is often irregular and the cold sensation is jarring, which causes anxiety as a person tries to anticipate the next drip. So Chinese water

torture is a thing. I don't think your brother was doing it right though. I think he was just put my head under and then drowning you and then don't don't call him racist because he was seven. So he was racist, but keep in mind he was seven. He would put his my head under the water and go like on the sign. I like that is fucking wild. If you were just Asian sounds that he'd made up and then put my head under the public pool. Yes, it was at the Y. So you're just like swimming and you go, what's that kid doing? And then you're like, oh, it was Chinese too.

It's just she's fighting underwater. It's like, oh, no, no, no, no. There's a little boy, this little nebbish Jewish boy being like... This is the dumbest thing you've ever seen in your life. Dude, that is wild. I would break that up if I saw that in a pool. I'd be like, hey, kid, what are you doing? And she's like, Bobby, stop. He's just coming up for air and then he'd put you right back down.

Yeah, he was always doing stuff like that to me. Once he told me that I really wanted to fly and he told me that if I jumped up one stairs and two stairs and three stairs, he's like, you just have to basically, if you just believe and keep doing that, eventually you'll fly. That is, actually, honestly, that's kind of a brilliant tactic to get your sister hurt.

He's basically getting me to kill myself. He's a little, he's like, Manson. Why don't you go a little higher? And then he just started playing Atari, and then I was doing that, I'm jumping up one more stick. Would you come in and give him progress? You're like, Bobby, it's going pretty good. I'm up to four steps.

And then I finally just jumped up enough steps that I just hit, like fainted. And my mom said she came in the room and I was just laying on the floor and he was still like playing Atari. I almost now with all these stories, I'm starting to understand your mom and side with her on every topic Yeah, you're pulling all the chocolate chips out of the trail mix You know mad I'd be if I got a handful of what nuts and raisins Get the fuck out of here Karen snacks did they sucked and then we so I go to other

Kids houses and that's where I got the snacks and then I got confronted about it Like my mom's friend took me aside and she was like, we know that you're eating all, like all the snacks and we need the snacks for lunches. She was like upset about the ho-hos that I was eating. Yeah, they're fucking very satisfying. It's delightful. And they had them in those little packages

that you have in 7-Eleven. Like it just felt like it was right out of the, I almost called it a showcase. That shows how much she trashed. Girl preach, you're gonna get me to buy a box of fucking Ho-Ho's at the end of this podcast. I know, you know when they have the box where it's like it would be in the store,

there's something especially exhilarating about that and I would house them shit. Someone would rip the top off. Oh, gorgeous. Oh, if one of my friends had the two cupcakes in the plastic tray with the plastic on it, because we had good snacks, but we had, we had okay snacks up until I was in middle school.

Then the snacks got great. Cause my mom's boyfriend ran a vending machine company. So they were like all in the basement. For a mom's boyfriend. So you could just go and take Skittles and shit. And he'd be like, Dan, you taking my Skittles? I was like, I don't even know what you're talking about. Wait, so they had your, he just had the stuff

that was right out of the vending machine? Yeah, he bought or he like rented like four vending machines. And then it was on him to fill it. And they're always in like these like Asian nail salons and stuff. It's such a mom's boyfriend job. It's so funny.

It was named like Kenny or something. No, it was Joe. It was the one that, it was Joe the swimmer. It was the guy that I hated the most. Really? It was my dad's ex best friend. Who's you versus? Oh, man? Come on. I hated him. Come on. Was he it's kind of a dick. Oh, yeah huge dickhead huge dickhead and

Was like mean yeah fuck you he was like a mean but I would steal so much Ever would you ever dip? No, I never want to steal money. I never wanted to get him on a felony. I always wanted to get him on like little misdemeanors. I would just pick away at him. But me and my friends would like go to the basement and take candy and he'd be like, stocks are low. My stock is low. Yeah, my brother was always,

and I, since we didn't have candy, by the way, just it made us completely obsessed to this day. I'll steal everything out of my kids candy. All my husband has to hide candy from me if it's in the house. And then I get mad at him and start a fight later because I want to know where it is. He's like, you told me not to tell you. I'm like, you fucking tell me right now. I'll rip your fucking head off. You do you get good now that you're the mom? Yeah. Do you buy

good candy? And then you have to hide it from yourself? Yeah, I try to buy good shit, but I'm really addicted. So it's kind of hard. I kind of, I get a lot of like keto ice cream and stuff like that because I cannot stop myself. Like I just become a, a foul house. Like when it comes to sugar, I just feed like a fucking disgraceful rat.

Yes, give into your hate. So I can't really get that much, but yeah, I mean, I, I like, I do have like a serious, very serious problem. Like it's not good. I'm with, I'm right there with you. You're not alone. You too with sweets. I love sweets.

Like I think about cupcakes when I should be having like more sophisticated thoughts. See that empty bag of Welch's fruit snacks. Yeah. I had to eat it silently while Katie was in the other room cause I didn't want her to know I brought it home from the road. And I had like a third full.

The last time I was sitting there and she's like, what are you doing? I was like, I'll be right out there. And I was just like, but she's like, she, she knows, I know I have a problem. So she's not like being mean about it, but she's like, come on, dude. Like we found out Van Lewin's delivers ice cream. I love ice cream. And so I'll be like, do you want to get two pints?

And she'll be like, do you want to get two pints? And she'll be like, no. And then she found out on the road, I'm just a fucking fat, foul little piggy. It's also in every hotel, they have candy. I know. I love the vending machine. It's still exciting to go to vending machine. My brother brought the kids to the firehouse and my husband showed them all this cool stuff, you know, like, and they went on the rig and they had a fireman go down the pole. And they said, well, your uncle's a firefighter. And they did all this stuff. And then by the way, during the entire thing, my nephew kept raising his hand like, he's like, I'm your uncle. Just

like, ask me, there's not a classroom here. Fireman chief, fireman chief, fireman chief Pete. He's like, I'm your uncle Pete. You could call me. He's like, just ask me a question. It was, Oh, and he's like, do you have machine guns? My brother, my husband was like, no, we don't have machine guns. We're a firefighter. Yeah. We're a firefighter. He goes, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, like right after he could have continued again, just him, my niece and Pete, you know, like one other fire. Wait, that was the only, that was the only, Oh, and he's like, do you, um, do you have artillery? And he's like, no, we don't have tanks.

We're not Marines. I get it though. And then I get around like 10. Yes. Nine or 10. Yeah. When he did this. Yes. Perfect questions. Yeah. I'd be like this, what are the, where are your swords? And then as soon as he's like, cause he did this. Yes. Perfect questions. Yeah, I'd be like this. What are this? Where are your swords? Like cuz he's gonna ask Do you guys have battle axes or just axes for taking down doors? He's like, who is this kid and then as soon as he would say no he'd be like, oh He's like no tags

Your nephew ever watches this you're're doing it right, kid. That's right, Luca. Yeah. And Jackie loves you. Yeah. Then he goes, he goes, he kept raising his hand. And then he was like, do you have any destruction vehicles that could be used in any kind of mass war situation?

And Pete was like, OK, I think this tour is a wrap. And then we leave the firehouse. And I was like, so what did you guys think about earlier today? And then my niece was like, Pete gets to use the vending machine whenever he wants. Like they didn't give a fuck about anything else. They were just like this dude, they're like, fuck him generally, but he can have he can have a candy bar whenever he wants. He's like, he could have a soda in the middle of the

night. That's all they got out of it is true. He's like, he could have a soda in the middle of the night. That's all they got out of it. It is true. By the way, kids, you can, and it's horrible for you. Yeah. But you can. There's a soda machine and a vending machine at the firehouse. So that's all they got out of it was like that he could have a candy bar and then he had no tanks. And they were like, other than that, the place kind of blows. Honestly, sounds like a bummer. Sounds like a bummer of a trip. What if, and I'm just throwing out a hypothetical here. Sure. What if you got a vending machine in your house to stop you from the candy, but your husband and daughter knew the code so they could get

you a candy bar. I'm just wondering how we could stop it. You're so high. Maybe a little bit. There's no question. Almost thought that was a pretty good idea. That was the highest idea I've ever heard in my life. You're like, why not spend a couple thousand bucks? And then. Because really, then you then you could hear Pete getting you a candy bar. Like, I would think I would not. I will wear him down.

I would ruin our marriage over the shit. Like if I do this every time we get something, I'm like, hide it from me. And then at two in the morning, I'm like, hide it from me. And then at two in the morning, I'm like, where the fuck is it? Tell me where the fuck it is. Where's the fuck is the shit? Where do you do it again?

Would you like that? It's like a fucking taste. I'll shut this whole thing down. I'll shut this whole goddamn operation down. Welcome to Drysville. You're welcome to the Rachel desert. When you're on the road, do you go nuts? I do, but I try not to. But I like, I have to do a lot of things to not Rachel desert. When you're on the road, do you go nuts? I do, but I try not to, but I like,

I have to do a lot of things to not go nuts. So like I put on my rider, just like healthy stuff so that I could fill up my room. I have to like eat as much healthy as shit so that I don't want it, but I do make some foul choices. And sometimes I'm pretty disgusted, but I'm also like a piglet in general. So I'll just spew shit all over our hotel room.

There's always like quest ships and rappers everywhere, just like an immediate pig. Like within four minutes, the room was like, what the fuck? That's how long it takes? Yeah. I am always afraid in hotel rooms that they're mad that I'm, so I like clean up after myself,

like a good little only child boy. I'm like, and I'll even pull my sheets back. Cause I never had the housekeeping come in the room. Yeah, I mean, I know what you mean. Cause it's so crazy in there. Well, you also just don't want them in like, it's my stuff. I always assumed nobody wants my stuff, but I do kind of, I'm like, I don't have good stuff yet.

I should have. Yeah. I don't have anything that anybody would want. What do I have? Like some Daffy good stuff yet. I should have. Yeah. I don't have anything that anybody would want. What do I have? Like some Daffy's blazer. Nobody wants my shit. My biggest problem is when traveling, I always stop at the Hudson Newses

and I go like, what candies do you have? Yes, I love a Hudson News. Yeah. But they sell these bags that are trying to kill you. They sell M&M's bags that are like sacks of M&M's and you're like, I'll do it. I'll do it. And then I eat the whole thing

and I get so mad at myself by the end of the week. I love M&M's and chocolate. But also there's nothing I don't like. I'm like, people have these weird fucking philosophies around marshmallows. I'm like, why? They're a goddamn delight. Fuck off.

I like, I eat pretty much anything. I'll hurl in my face. Like I don't like a weird like old potato salad. If something's janky, I'm not gonna touch it. But in general, I'm like most food, I don't have too many follow up questions. Rachel the goat. But in like the literal sense, like a goat.

You're just like a Billy goat. You're just like, meh. Just little, just on the side eating a can. Santino called me a, I think it was Santino. Somebody called me a donkey the other day. That's really funny. You're just like, oh, Rachel's eating the couch again. You look over and she's like, meh, meh.

I mean, I always thought when I grew up, I would have a mature diet and it hasn't happened. No. But now that you're a mom, you almost. I cook a lot. Like, so I like, I'll eat a lot of good stuff, but I also like get excited by salt and vinegar, potato chips still, you know?

But like your daughter's birthday, right? Yeah. There's birthday cake. Yes, I love cake and cupcakes, all of that shit. Well, how big of a, how big of a portion? I told Pete to throw it away and pour something on top of it, cause I was like, otherwise he would just find me just like

Yeah, again, like a it's speech a little donkey. Just like it need to be green goblin mask It can't be in the house over here Rachel Oh, I'm gonna go get it out of the trash And then he like he like shames me about it too because he doesn't want sweet So he's always like just like he's always tracking my foul choices like just now He there's always a scolding message on my phone Just as I was walking up here walking to the wrong building being a general moron Yeah, Pete was texting music just so you know like what's a little thing that you the remotes for the air conditioning

You're switching up and you don't put them back in the space. Yeah, yeah, I'm like get off my dick beat it I'm on team Pete on this one. Oh, fuck off. The remote for the air conditioner has to stay in the same room as the unit. You are, you're bringing pure chaos into that house. I understand you're the matriarch, but you are bringing fucking chaos into that house. That's why there's, you know what you can do? And I'm just making a recommendation.

I'm sure Pete would love to hear this. You could put a little Velcro on the side of the, on the back of the remote and on the side of the on the back of the remote And on the side of the air conditioner and stick it there Oh, just good idea they stay in the same room because honestly I'm about to kick you out of my goddamn apartment He's always like we have duckless units. He loves bragging about our duckless units I truly don't know what any of this is. Yeah, so like when he said he was gonna gut the house Here's how dumb I am with this kind of stuff. Like, I don't know. Like I don't,

I don't know stuff like that. My dad's name is Howie and he has a never ending sinus infection. Like I don't know about what it, what it, he basically said to me, I'm going to re insulate the house. Sorry. That's what I meant to say. He was like, I'm going to re insulate the house. Save money, you know, save money in the summer and the winter. But I didn't know that means gutting a house. So I was like, Oh, when on Thursday, like I thought that was like a three-hour job and all of a sudden

There's like four firemen just ripping out my whole house that I'm sitting inside of with a toddler I'm like what the fuck? Yeah, I told you I was reinstating, you know But he's always doing something like that and very proud of his stuff now I don't give a shit about like stuff But Pete thinks it's a good story that like a neighbor got a certain kind of lawn mower. Like I'm like, shut up, you know, but he's always like, just like really, he really gets to get the bottom of like purchases. And he's like, I'm going to figure out what the best you need someone like that.

That's how Katie is with me because I am point and click, baby. I need something. I'm buying it and it will go bad on me. And most researchers I do is just like Amazon's choice. Yeah. You go, and then you feel like you really did it. You go, look at that, top two on Amazon. I really.

Well, somebody obviously paid someone off. But dude, when we moved into this place, Katie did her research where she was like, oh, this is the way to go, this is the way to, and I was like, oh, I would have bought the other thing. I've bought stuff and she's like, did you not do research on this? And I was like, nah. I didn't research anything. Nah, I just bought it. And she was like, oh, I would have bought the other thing. I've bought stuff and she's like, did you not do research on this? And I was like, nah.

I didn't research anything. Nah, I just bought it and she was like, Jesus Christ, but that's why it's a good combo. You have to have one of each, it's true. Because when we were looking for a couch in our living room and she had like looked every, we had gone to like six different stores looking for a couch and finally we were there

and she was like, oh, this is the kind of couch I wanted. I go, yeah, so we're just gonna buy this. And she was like, what? I was like, we'll just buy this. And she was like, oh, this is the kind of couch I wanted. I go, yeah, so we're just gonna buy this. And she was like, what? I was like, we'll just buy this. And she was like, what are you doing? And I was like, you've done all the research. Yeah, what others? We'll buy this couch.

And then we left and she was like, thank you for doing that. Because I would have just kept researching. I would have kept going, right, right. You just need someone, you need people like us. With that stuff, I'm her, because my husband would just get a couch with like a hole in it for a drink because he's an idiot.

That's sick though. I mean, Team Pete, I hate to do this. Fuck off, everybody's Team Pete. But just a nice place to put a beverage. I mean, like his taste is horrific. He's a dude. So that's how I knew that he wasn't in a relationship when I first went to his house because I was like no woman would have allowed any of these choices. That's how you find out he wasn't in a relationship when I first went to his house, because I was like, no woman would have allowed

any of these choices. That's how you find out if someone's cheating or not. When you go in their apartment, they go, this looks like shit. You're saying the wrong. I'm like, no woman is involved in his life. They would not have allowed any of these choices. He had two frames up on the wall that were like,

target frames with the picture in it from Target. That's great. And they were like giant frames, and it was like a man and a woman from the 40s like looking back. And he was like, one's a woman from the forties, like looking back. Like, uh, like it was like, one's got a top hat. The other one's a woman. Pretty classy. He looks at that. He's like, Oh yeah, no.

There was a while where, um, when Vecchione and I had a third roommate when I lived in the windowless room and all of our stuff in our living room was like pushed forward and there was stuff behind it and it looked like we were like Like a flop house for robbers like like people just stole stuff and hid it at our house You like to be like there's zero taste. I will say this Yeah, when I went to your house when you live with Vicky on I was like, this is Disgusting and I and I'm messy, but I'm clean. So like I wouldn't allow a bathtub to get great You know, it's like oh, it's great. Yeah, I clean so like I wouldn't allow a bathtub to get great, you know

It's like oh, it's great. Yeah, I was like good god both of these men need to get married immediately Foul pigs, they can't just lay in their own filth like this Well, the pandemic happened and I moved in with Katie and then his Katie moved in and I went back to get my stuff And I was like what's going on here? It's all clean Katie like had it organized Katie Hannigan like had stuff was like flowers in a pot and the side. I was like, what is this shit? And then I'd come and stay for three days. You know, if I was like flying out or whatever during COVID and it would you could see Katie's, his Katie

start to be like, Okay, we don't put that there. Here's the thing when men have a roommate, like a guy roommate, people always think like the roommate's gonna cock-cock him, but you know, they won't want him to be, you know, get a girl. But actually it's the opposite. I believe it's the cock assist because then, you know, they're living in such disgusting situation

that they're gonna fall in love with any bitch. Yeah, we're just looking for, we're all rescue pups. Yeah, like you're gonna fall in love quicker because you're not gonna want to go back to that fucking dungeon. There's like crazy. So guess like so I know like Pete's very anal but he makes disgusting like heinous man choices when he decorates and then you like really have strong feelings about it sometimes I'm like like, get out of here. You don't know what you're talking about. But he'll be-

You gotta listen though. Maybe sometimes you can take a kernel of that and turn it into something decent. He would paint a mural of the founding fathers on our wall. Like he would, it would just be like somebody- God loves America. It's easier a problem with that. Maybe like a giant eagle in our living room.

Yes. With Pikachu's. Yes. God bless America. He would be like a giant eagle in our living room. Yes. With Pikachu's. Yes. And nothing else. God bless America. I just started getting into it. Land that I love. He would also like only scream about like patriotism

when he was drinking before. I'm like, it's so annoying that every time you drink, you have to talk about respecting the flag. I respect the flag, Jesus. What do you want me to wrap myself in it? I wonder what would be my, cause I haven't drank in 11 years. So I wonder what would be my like ranting thing or I'd be like, football, you can't hit anybody anymore. That's what's fun about getting drunk is you have a certain ranting topic.

Pete would start fights with me, but used star Wars terminology. So he called me who's like the most evil guy in Star Wars again? Palpatine? Yes, he called me Senator Palpatine in a text argument and I had to call Dave Jessica to find out what that meant. He was like, oh, typical range, Senator Palpatine, controlling everybody around her again.

Did he call you, now here's how you know, did he call you Senator Palpatine or Emperor Palpatine? I think it was Emperor. Yeah, the Emperor, if he he call you Senator Palpatine or Emperor Palpatine? I think it was Emperor. Yeah, the Emperor. If he's calling you Emperor Palpatine, he means you are the height of Sith evil. The fact that you know who both of them are is. I already referenced.

I referenced Senator Palpatine or Emperor Palpatine earlier. You called the same episode. Just earlier when I went, good. Oh, right, you're right. Good. Give in to your hate. Yeah. Yes, that's who he was calling me.

I'm falling in love with your husband. Also, what was so amazing about it was, I don't watch Star Wars, Pete. I'm not going to know who the fuck Emperor Palpatine is. It's not a good text argument thing. Yeah. The argument was getting worse and worse. Our arguments are so dumb, and I always

have to find him in a church. It's a fucking dumb mob movie or something. He goes and sits in a church. I'm like come on let's work this out doesn't have to get to this I was just praying for all my demons to leave me alone yeah you were making me so god gosh darn angry I'm not gonna take the lord's name in vain he'll like scream me about Mark Zuckerberg and then just like end up in a church somewhere and I have to find him I love that I don't want to argue about Facebook Pete what do I know about Mark Zuckerberg and then just like end up in a church somewhere and I have to find him. I don't want to argue about Facebook Pete what do I know about Mark Zuckerberg? Have you already seen your daughter be silly like is she taking

after you or him? She's mostly very silly like me and ridiculous and makes fun of everything. That's good. But she knows that I'm not an adult and then she believes in Pete as an adult so that kind of hurts like she trashes me a lot. Yeah very funny. She goes, how would you know that a lot? I'm like, how would you know how I know anything? You're four years old. I'm just the I'm an authority on information as far as you're concerned. I already knows that I'm not like a good source. Yeah. I wish I would have known

when I was younger, how insecure adults really are. Yeah, because you can really if you're if you're a child and you get this information somehow to you Because you can really, if you're a child and you get this information somehow to you, you could do damage if you knew that adults are as insecure as they are. I know. As if you had to go like, you don't even know that. But here's the thing, I don't think our parents-

Did you say that as a kid or what? I don't know that our parents were, I feel like we are, because we've like questioned things. Like my dad just hurled us into the night. Like I don't think he was doing a second lap on his parenting later on. It's crazy, your dad was doing just like body checks onto the bed and then being like, dinner's in five.

His threat, when we would argue in the car because we were always arguing in the front seat, we're just in this puff of smoke, both of us trying to get to the front. My mom's like, god damn it, shat Howard, back me up. My dad's constant threat was, do you want me to bring you over to the park, pull your pants down in front of all your friends, spank you in front of Mark Friedman at the park. And it dad's constant threat was, do you want me to bring you over to the park, pull your pants down in front of all your friends,

spank you in front of Mark Friedman at the park? And it was like so specific. He's like all playing soccer over there, MSI practice. Like he knew what time they practiced. That's so funny. Go and stop by right now. He's like, your bare ass out there, I'll spank you in front of everyone you know.

Everyone's gonna see your tush. Your parents disciplining you in front of your friends is rough. It's so humiliating. And my dad was just like not a normal dad. Like I always just wanted a dad that like smelled reasonable and like wore normal clothes. And he had a theory that you don't have to wash denim.

The denim is like self-cleaning. So we always like stunk it up. You like that too? Yeah. I probably had a, probably got a good week and a half on these bad boys. I thought. You always say that like it was an important like,

like lecture he should have with the kids. He's like, so you know kids, the denim is self-cleaning. You always say that like it was an important like lecture he should have with the kids. He's like, so you know kids, the denim is self-cleaning. I'd keep that in mind. Howie, you're speaking my language, you old cowboy. And then he would take- You old biker. That's so funny that you said cowboy

because that was his answer to everything. So like he would burn the toast or something and he'd be like, that's good enough for the cowboys, good enough for me. And I'm like, all right, Howie Feinstein. I don't think he did invoke the wild west here. That was like a rust's good enough for the Cowboys. It's good enough for me. And I'm like, all right, how do we find Stein? I don't think you need to invoke the wild west here. I don't think you're rustling cattle. That is, yeah.

I would do that. If I ever were a father, I'd be like, it's good enough for the Cowboys. That denim, you ain't gotta wash that. That's why I'm not having kids. Cause I'd just be like, well, it looks like we're hitting the trail. And they're like, you grew up in a suburb,

but I'm from Colorado. Yeah he definitely like was a very very very humiliating my dad and he would. Well how would he dress though? You said you wish. He would wear a t-shirt for his band which was called the Vomitones and they had a tour he thought throwing up was really he was very funny he thought throwing up was hilarious and that there was nothing I agree with him here And there was nothing funnier and to my dad's mind than a British royalty, which is hilarious Okay, and then he is he's a blues musician and he would and a civil rights lawyer

So he'd have these dreams about different blues musicians and civil rights lawyers throwing up on Queen Elizabeth and he would narrate them in his sleep He'd be like, oh my god five points He just puked in the Queen's purse during a very important ceremony. Money Waters can't get away with that. And he would just make himself laugh with these weird deranged vomiting dreams. I think your father was mentally ill.

He might be. Yeah. He's just talking about, obsessing about puking. He thought the darkest, weirdest shit was funny. But he was definitely, I wouldn't say he was well, but he was kind of a genius because he skipped three grades in school. He memorized-

Three grades? Yes, and he memorized- That's like developmentally, that can fuck you up. Yeah, he memorized, he could tell you every lineup for the San Francisco Giants or like, you know, the Yankees for like 40 years. But then if you asked him my name, he might say Roxanne sometimes. Like he'd called me Roxanne on occasion. He'd be like, oh, Roxanne! Like when he was mad, I'm like, there's no Roxanne in the family.

Did your parent firing off the wrong name is the best moment? Because your mom used to do that to you once. She only did it once. I love Trish so much. And I thought it was my cousin's wedding and she was talking to a lady that was related to the guy my cousin was marrying. And I walked over and my mom just so confidently goes, and have you met my son David? And I went, David? And she goes, I don't know where that's from.

And then I made fun of her to the point where she goes, can you stop, I don't know where that's from. But she just, she put her hand on my shoulder and she went, my son David. And I went, David. Wild, was she a little tipsy? A little, she wasn't lit up like a Christmas tree for that one?

No, because that was the wedding where I Convinced her to drive so I could get fucked up. Oh, was that like a turn? Was that like a new page in your relationship with her? Would you been able to ask her that kind of thing? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, she was cool. We made here was why she was cool Is we had made the agreement she was gonna drink at the wedding and I was gonna drive and then we got there Me and my cousin Andy loved to get drunk together and I was like It was like a slumber party. I was like, can I please get drunk with Andy at the wedding? And she was like, okay. And then we went to the bar and got after it.

It was a great wedding. I remember we got really, that was one of the times I smoked weed was that, again, usually whenever I smoke weed, I'm just kind of sort of gently shaking in a corner thinking everybody hates me. But we smoked weed was that I, again, usually whenever I smoke weed, I'm just kind of sort of gently shaking in a corner and thinking everybody hates me. But we smoked weed at this wedding and my mom's walked in and smelled the weed and, and she was like, is that damn reefer stick in here?

And then we were like, no, no mom, just high as the day is long. We're like, what are you talking about? That's weird. She goes, Oh please, Rachel. I lived in California in the 1960s. That's a reefer stick. Have you ever gotten high with your mom? No, no, no. After I found that little, like slim piece of non joint that she tried to create, um, she that she swore was from my dad's rocker friend might have been for the vomitorium. Yeah, my mom like, they're not drinkers. Like my mom drinks. She has like a mini Heineken and she's like, I'm

having a hard like everyone knows she's going to do it, you know, you, but you never gotten high with your mom. No, she's like, wait, they're like dorks. They're like liberals, but they're also like, like dorks. You know what I'm saying? Like they're very by the books and like most liberals are dorks. Yeah, they are dorks. Um, they are dorks. But getting high with your mom. Yeah, they're uptight dorks now. They're right, the liberal has turned into the uptight dork.

Yeah, I was saying that recently at a show where it used to be like when conservatives were in the audience, you'd be like, hey, watch your language, just conservatives in the audience. You're right, it has switched. And now you're like, it's real liberal. Watch what you say out there. Yeah.

It's fucking weird. But getting high with your parent brings you back to this, I got high with my mom on my 18th birthday, and it almost is like, it evens you out where you go like, handle your shit, lady. Like, cause they get high and they're like, whoa, you just see your parent that you're used to being in control, like kind of.

How did you decide to do that with her? That's first. My mom was like, when you turn 18, I'll get high with you. And I was like, let's do it. So we smoked a bowl, We smoked a couple of bowls. And then we went to McCormick's in downtown Denver and got oysters and it fucking ruled. That is a great plan.

What did you just do? It was fun. Yeah. It ruled. It was very fun. That sounds really fun. What did she say? Like, did you just go crazy stuff?

We got high with the Bonnie Raitt on the way down there. Oh my god. My parents loved Bonnie Raitt. Why do our parents love Bonnie Raitt so much? It's mom rock. You're right. It's mom rock. And then by the way, it rules any album where two people would be back to back looking back to like they also love

like a like a Rod Stewart and somebody else like, Hey, love to kind of naughty exchange. I always to call it Raz Rocks. And I used to put a lot of Raz on something and my brother would try to guess what I was saying and I'd be like, too much Raz. So my person would lower the Raz until you would know. Bonnie Raitt rules, but get back into Bonnie Raitt. She plays the slide guitar like a motherfucker. Yeah, I guess she is really good.

There's just something funny about a Rod Stewart Raitt type of like, rana, rana. Like, they're kind of breaking imaginary rules or something. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. And you're like, ooh, OK. All right. It's moms doing this when they get a drink, when they go. You're like. Yeah, you always just imagine your mom entering the dance

floor like, rana, rana, rana, rana. I'll go like, uh-oh. Here it comes. Yeah, it just reminds me of like the loosening of an elder scarf and it's dumb. It's like, I love it. And I love Bonnie Raitt. She is an American institution. Rachel, I appreciate you coming on the podcast.

Thank you so much, that was so fun. The special big guy out now on Netflix, streaming in two rooms so she gets the spins. That's how it works now, right? Spins is amazing. We want all those spins.