Soder - 38: Old Stones with Nathan Macintosh | Soder Podcast | EP 38

Starting point is 00:00:00 We're not recording yet, are we? You're not my turn. You're rolling? I heard it's just too much of the business, so that's why I don't want to. No comedy with the cattle prod. No comedy. Dude, wait till you get the cattle prod. Cattle prod is fucking hilarious.

Starting point is 00:00:17 And I want people to know that. Are they like this long? The cattle prod? Yes. You can buy them on Amazon. That's so funny, dude. That's how cool of a world we live in base us is insane So what about you seriously buy a cattle prod man?

Starting point is 00:00:29 This is the first episode where people will know about this but for those of you at home I've read the notes and I agree. I talked too much about comedy on this podcast. It's because I'm lazy No, it's because It's like the thing we do and so of course you want to talk about it, but it sucks. And I think comedy is... Are you, are we recording? We're in? So your story's toast. I'll tell you the story. All right. Well, tell me after whatever. Fuck. I was like, I thought it was going to be a whole

Starting point is 00:00:56 thing. But then I saw you like pleading to a camera and I go, are we, we're on? We're fucking on? You know what? I can tell it. I had a former agent. It's just too much of the business. I wanted to explain to people from now on whenever I talk about stand-up comedy or we talk about the or my guest brings it Up homeless pimp is gonna have a cattle prod that I bought on Amazon and he's gonna zap me in the leg What's the voltage on that by the way? I have a cattle right? Yeah. Well, I'm a fat bitch I'm a sad now. It's a'm a cow. It's a calf, fat bitch. Actual cattle, but they wrestling fan, Denny's a patron,

Starting point is 00:01:34 big head, skinny fat body. You go, that's very specific. Guy who hates his wife, man who eats cheese. We will do a clip. We might edit the clip in here. We'll probably put another episode. When I get it on Monday, we're gonna film. We're gonna set up a little earlier. We're gonna film what it feels like.

Starting point is 00:01:53 Can I, before you get to the story, okay, so is the cattle prod, is it just a prod? Like an actual, yeah, just two prongs, a button. And you're gonna do it? You're gonna buzz people? Dude, no, not people, me. Just you? Yeah, yeah, I don't get,

Starting point is 00:02:07 you gotta buzz a guest. You also have to buzz a guest. No, you don't, no you don't. Dan, put a note on the door that's like, if you mention, that's complete insanity. How much is this thing? 54 bucks to fucking zap people? Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:02:24 I mean, it's obviously for a cow, but you know. It's for a pig, for a lamb or for a cow. Definitely a settings. I'm like a lamb, I'm a little lamb. I'm a sweet little lamb. I'm a lamb of God. Sometimes criticism online is helpful. I only read.

Starting point is 00:02:39 Too much about the business. This would be a zap. You have to do it because you can't trust him. Yeah, no, he's got, no, I'm not gonna zap zap myself this isn't suicidal. He's gonna have to get me. He's gonna have to bug me. By the way I go, Hark the sickle of thes. Harikari it. Saburato. Also I'm afraid if I touch this it'll be like. It's also crazy that we've gotten to cattle technology where because you know before they're probably just one cat, one prod that would like

Starting point is 00:03:07 murder a cow, fucking put a, put a, a lamb in a coma and do what they wanted it to do with a cow. And then they go, we're going to figure this out. I'm killing everything around here. We need settings. We need settings. And now there's going to be a setting for soft comedians who talk too much about the business. That's on the, so it's got a big, a lamb, a cow pitcher, then a guy holding a microphone.

Starting point is 00:03:29 With a microphone and a podcast. I'm talking about comedy too much. But I agree with it. I think it's overdone. I think it's- It's, we were talking about this- I'm a comic. We were talking, I, look man, I was telling you,

Starting point is 00:03:42 I love comedy, but I also hate comedy. I hate it. Because who cares? At the end of the day, we write a thing, we do a thing. Guys build bridges. I don't know how you build a bridge. I just watch. Legitimately, I don't know the physics behind

Starting point is 00:03:54 how do you make one thing stay? And there's guys that are like, you're gay. The only people that would want to hear bridge building talk are bridge builders. I disagree. I think there is a small amount of people that would want to hear bridge building talk are bridge builders. I disagree. I think there is a small amount of people that would want to hear about engineering things. But I also think that's the same amount of people that would want to hear about the inside

Starting point is 00:04:12 of comedy. So you just have to keep that. Eight guys. Yeah, eight dudes. And you just want it. You just have to keep that in mind. Yeah. I think we're in a, we're in the stage of like of society where there's a content diarrhea where everyone's just loosely shitting everywhere and no one is eating right and packing a good fat turd.

Starting point is 00:04:34 A good special is a fat turd. A good album from a art from a band is a fat turd. You know what's funny that when you describe it that way they are all useless. You're right. I hear what you're saying and I'm but it's all it is just like yeah man when you make a thing it's just shit. South Park nailed it. It's all shit. It's all shit. It is. Sometimes it's good shit. Yeah. It's a third. It's a thick link. It's a it's a just got knuckles on it. It's just a good turd and you're like that's a good turd but it's turd it's a, just got knuckles on it. It's just a good turd. And you're like, that's a good turd, but it's a turd. You know? It's gotta go away. And we're just like,

Starting point is 00:05:09 That's been my podcast last couple of months. Oh, hey, have you ever. Can we, can I, okay. But guess what? If I want a turd, I'm still gonna turd, but if I lose turd, I get the old zaps from HP. You got, you do have to zap the guest though.

Starting point is 00:05:29 Seriously. No, no, I mean, come on. Okay. Okay. If I ever come back here, if I ever come back, zap me. That's a, that's a, that's at me. I agree. Consensual zapping.

Starting point is 00:05:39 Yeah. Has to be a consensual zap. When people come in and ask them, are you okay being zapped? We'll have to show them. Go. What it does to a. Are you okay being zapped? But then I'm gonna become so callous to it What if I start getting powers? You don't be sadder? Honestly would make people less likely because comedians are a lot of us are egotistical monsters who would want to be zapped for the clip So here's what you do. You get an actual lamb.

Starting point is 00:06:06 And if you talk about comedy, you zap. That's what gets zapped. You want to see a small animal get fucking zapped? There's four farmhams that want to see that. The rest of us don't. I'm going to jump the route. I'm not buying and taking care of a lamb. If you say zap my dog, I'll fight everyone in this room. Zap your dog. I'll John, I'll John Wick you. I'll John Wick you in a second. I'm not zapping Myrtle. Exactly, so do you know how much comedy

Starting point is 00:06:28 you're not gonna talk about? And every comedian, because if you told somebody, you know how many comedians would get zapped just for the fucking clip, dude? This isn't Jackass. It will be, you bought a cattle prod, a prod, an actual cattle prod. Hey, what's up, I'm Dan Soder,

Starting point is 00:06:44 and this is Comedy Podcasting. Bow down down down. I'm gonna zap my two front teeth. No, dude, I'm zapping. You're not getting me off Project Zap. Okay, before you get into your story, which I still wanna hear, I swear to God, speaking of things that are good.

Starting point is 00:07:00 Sure. I just on Sunday saw the Rolling Stones live. Can I tell you, you went to it too two big J and Bobby went and they took the whole bond. They took, uh, they took a bunch of friends. I turned down going because I was afraid they're too old and I'm going to tell you right now, I saw Insta stories. I regret it. I made, I made a mistake. I love the Rolling Stones. Amazing. I should have gone. I, James asked me a while to go to go and I go

Starting point is 00:07:31 look man people have been saying James Maddern, James Maddern, James the good Dr. Maddern. People have been saying it's the end for 20 years right? Sure. And I go I should see them and I I didn't think it was going to be bad but I did think they're 80. Two of them are literally 80. Ronnie Wood is 76 years old. And I go- And Charlie's dead. Dude, I'm not, I'm still mad about how good it was.

Starting point is 00:07:56 I'm like, fuck it. Dude, I'm like, you know that scene in Once Upon a Time? Yeah. When Johnny Depp eats the food. I said, yeah, I don't know what scene. You just said the movie. And I said, yeah. Prod, that's a prod.

Starting point is 00:08:08 If you don't know. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Viral clip. Oh no, we're so bad. Zoom in, zoom out, tour dates. Soderstano fell off when he stopped talking about comedy and started getting zapped all the time. Dude, a comedian would become very huge

Starting point is 00:08:21 if they went on stage with a cattle prod and started zapping. Don't give them ideas. Anyway, no, I meant where we zapped the audience, but, but I'm, I'm kind of down with that. That scene in a once upon a time in Mexico. I think that's what the fuck. So funny. I thought you were going to say once upon a time in Hollywood. No, one is some of the movie called. Yes. Okay. So anyways, it's like a, it's like a sequel to, um, uh, uh, Desperado. Thank you. Anyways, there's a scene where Johnny Depp eats a meal and he goes, well,

Starting point is 00:08:46 who made this? And they go to the chef in the back. He goes, this is so good. I have to kill the chef. And he gets up and walks in the kitchen and kills the chef. That's what I, I want to do to these men. You want them to die. It was so good. I don't want them to die, but I'm, I'm serious. I was looking around. I kept grabbing James and my friend, Pat Bercher. And I was like, what we're seeing here is pure wizardry, man. And I'm like, I'm fucking, I'm fucking, I'm still buddy.

Starting point is 00:09:08 I'm fucking, I'm fucking angry. You know what you do, bump in the elevator, fucking riled up. I'm losing my mind. But it's been two days. He's like, oh there he goes, I'm gonna talk about stones. I'm gonna talk about stones. You better not have a cattle brought up there.

Starting point is 00:09:19 I'm gonna get fucking. I haven't slept in three days and I am, I swear to God, man, I am so happy I saw this fucking. You like this crowd work? I didn't like the crowd work. I will, when to God man. I'm so happy. I saw this fucking I will when he goes he goes it's just to wind up. I thought it was funny when he's talking about the pizza What make was talking about like yeah So yeah, I'm gonna have a stormy Daniels cheeky beaky weaky beaky you want him to write That's so funny isn't it? By the way.

Starting point is 00:09:46 Good one. Wait, hold up. Off camera, homeless pimp, and I'm gonna explain this to the audience. You brought a very good point. Musicians sometimes do too much talking in between songs. Sunday was not that case.

Starting point is 00:10:02 I'm serious. Sunday, he made one quick joke about pizza. Did you go Saturday? I went Thursday. It can take me out of a show. Sure but here's the other thing. I'm not these aren't musicians. These are 80 year old men. How fucking old do you got to get to have an opinion dude? This guy's doing it. You just want to do a jump it do jump a jack-flash. He's a real human man. Now I'm fucking mad at you. No no, no, cuz the show is three hours. It was yes, you don't need two hours No, you don't need crowd work

Starting point is 00:10:35 I'm gonna come out and sing for here. I am. No, this one. I need me. Give me shelter I need him come out go like this. No thoughts. I need him come out go. Yeah You're right Yeah, that's it. It's all I need him to come out and go, yeah, you all right? We're all right, yeah. That's it, that's all I need out of Mick. That's the whole show. I don't need him to come out and go, you know it's pretty crazy with AI,

Starting point is 00:10:55 yeah Boston Dynamics are making soldiers, yeah. I would've loved that part of the show. If he took, if he. I want him to come out, you know what? I'll meet you in the middle. If you're old and you want to do crowd work, you better bring on him shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You better be like, why the water's making us gay.

Starting point is 00:11:12 And you go, you fucked Bowie because you were interested. Is that a true story? Yeah, his wife, Bowie's ex-wife caught David Bowie and Mick Jagger in bed together. Wow. Because they got so much pussy, they had to try dick. Yeah, and they're both pretty tiny.

Starting point is 00:11:26 They're pretty tiny little feminine men. Yeah. They were like, both of them were like, I could pretend you're a woman. He goes, I could pretend you're a woman. Yeah, they are. And especially years and years ago. You know when a guy like me, he's got stars on his fucking face.

Starting point is 00:11:37 These guys turn off and they go, Mick, are you coming back to bed? He goes, oh, what did I do? I can't believe I fucked that boy with that cattle prod. Zaps Bowie. Bowie talking about comedy while he's being pounded by Mick Jagger. Do you feel like performing is a lot like stand up? He goes, where's the cattle prod?

Starting point is 00:11:57 Just zap him right in the spine. The show was fucking amazing, legitimately. It was so good. I am very jealous I didn't go. There was really in a couple of weeks if you can go, I would tell anybody that can go to go. I mean, it was nice. I had the opportunity in my lap.

Starting point is 00:12:14 Big Jay asked if I wanted to go and I said no. Just for fun or you had something to do? Nothing to do. Did nothing. Sat at home. Oh man. And did nothing. Sat at home and did nothing. But honestly, really enjoyed that. Sometimes that's worth $300 as well.

Starting point is 00:12:31 You pay yourself $300 to sit here on Hell. The show, I'm sure is great. Getting out of MetLife? I'm just trying to make excuses. I saw Mick Jagger once. So years ago, I took my lady to see Woody Allen at the Carlisle when he's playing the clarinet. This is before, I always thought he was a creep because of his fucking wife is his daughter.

Starting point is 00:12:54 His ex partner's daughter. Woody Allen fans will be like, well now hold on. He met her when she was 10. He had her adopted. He met her when she was 10, grow up. You can't meet a kid at 10 and then marry them later on. You can't do it. It's called grooming. It's called wrong.

Starting point is 00:13:10 And I don't care how big your sweater is or how many movies you made. But anyways, he went to see him at the Carlisle. Mick Jagger was at the show. So I saw Mick Jagger and the Carlisle is a small little room. I saw Mick Jagger walking around Mick Mick Jagger. You could, you, if you kicked Mick Jagger in the chest, he explode. There's no way he lives. I think he would change like the T 1000

Starting point is 00:13:30 and he would switch and he'd be holding your foot and he'd be like, you didn't need to do that. You know what I mean? And he'd just start swinging around. I'm made of liquid metal, baby. Yeah. He's like, he's just so, his clothes were weighing him down. He's an old man.

Starting point is 00:13:47 But this was 10 years ago or something like that, but he's also like 68 pounds. There's no fucking way he's more than 120. Woody Allen talking between clarinet songs, he was like, Whistling He goes, a lot of people don't know that the best pussy is the pussy you grow yourself.

Starting point is 00:14:03 Whistling I don't know how you play the clarinet. It's not like that. You had it right the first time. Yeah. Oh, oh, that's my wife, Suni. Homegrown, I found a table pussy. Homegrown. He met her when she was 10. You know what's funny?

Starting point is 00:14:21 You know, a lot of men like a strong grip, Suni. He's like he's like her sensei here her sifu she's like practicing hand jobs can you take the banana from my hand you know it's funny oh that's nice you weren't there but you nailed the entire show that's exactly what he did he had Sunni come out and beat him off he goes oh Jagger got up and told the story about you what you would have liked the Woody Allen show. He didn't say a word. Not a word.

Starting point is 00:14:48 He didn't say he sang a song at the end, but that was kind of it. But he didn't say anything. What's Woody Allen singing like? It wasn't, it wasn't horrible. It's all black and soulful. He's like, when I touch that young pussy. He just does the anthem as long as he possibly can. He's like, oh shit.

Starting point is 00:14:58 It's like, oh shit. It's like, oh shit. It's like, oh shit. It's like, oh shit. It's like, oh shit. It's like, oh shit. It's like, oh shit. It's like, oh shit. It's like, oh shit. It's like, oh shit. It's like, oh shit. I'm a Keith guy you're either a Keith or a Mick guy. I just wanna see Keith just being fucking insane

Starting point is 00:15:28 standing by an amp, smoking cigarettes in between songs. Being like, yeah, I wrote Satisfaction in me sleep. He did, by the way. He woke up and wrote down Satisfaction. That was actually true what I just said. It's in this book, I have the book right fucking here. It's called Life by Keith Richards. Buddy, you really should have went and I'm sure.

Starting point is 00:15:48 I know. But here's the thing, they're in Philly in like two weeks if you can go, go. I'm on Burt's tour, I can't go. Well then fucking. I don't know when this is coming out, but it's fucking already passed. Yeah, well that's fucking, that's, you know,

Starting point is 00:15:58 I'm happy I went, whatever. Charlie Watts was the backbone of that fucking band and he died. James was freaking out about that because he was like I don't know how it's gonna be without it was great. It was great. Did you like the show? Thank you other than a couple of men being 80 not being allowed to have a fucking opinion. They've seen so many assassinations Actually, it's not a right. I can't have a fucking opinion. What was the did they have an opinion?

Starting point is 00:16:19 He's saying they didn't even have an opinion. I thought we were gonna get a Stormy Daniels who gives a fuck What the fuck does that even mean about anything? Did he say anything else? I'd actually appreciate if he was pro Trump. He's like, oh so what you can't pay for pussy anymore Last time I checked that was the only way to get it was to buy it by pussy What song? Jumping Jack Flash! I was bound! What song is he going to right after that? It's so funny. Jumping Jack Flash.

Starting point is 00:16:46 You can't always get what you want. Sometimes you got to pay for it. Yeah. Dude, I regret it. Yeah. It was, it was, uh, it was great. Three hours, two hours. The show was three hours, but they did two hours, nine 30 to 1130.

Starting point is 00:16:56 Any oxygen tank? They brought out an oxygen tank, a full on fuck it. It was a full on fucking, uh, it was a full on fucking, uh, it was a full on fucking, uh, it was a full on fucking, uh, it was a full on fucking, uh, it was a. Three hours, two hours? The show was three hours, but they did two hours. Nine thirty to eleven thirty. Any oxygen tank? They brought out an oxygen tank, full on fucking blood transfusion. They brought a guy up and they took his blood and gave it to Mick.

Starting point is 00:17:15 They make Mick rise up like Darth Vader at the end of episode three. Yeah, they also had Shang Tsung. Shang Tsung was there for Mortal Kombat. He took two souls, gave them both to Mick. So he could do Satisfaction, Gimme Shelter, and Paint a Black. Yeah, he's like, you thought Ultimort was bad.

Starting point is 00:17:32 We're gonna suck your soul out. You thought those Hell's Angels were a problem? I have Shang Tsung here. I'm gonna do some soul switching. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Shang Tsung. Oh, this is a cat I met when we was doing a tour of China back when he was running a Mortal Kombat.

Starting point is 00:17:53 Yeah, when the Nether realm, when we performed at all the arenas in the Nether realm. We did a private, I'm trying to think of the boss with the fucking helmet. Shadow Kong. Shadow Kong. Shadow Kong hired us for a birthday party. I met him there.

Starting point is 00:18:07 Yeah. I thought it was gonna be, I'm not kidding, I thought it was gonna be a little bit more of like, not deranged, but older men. Dude, I put- Just bumbling around and started, oh sorry. They weren't at all, it was truly incredible. I'm fucking mad about it.

Starting point is 00:18:22 It's like the story of like, Paul McCartney does like something like two or three hour shows with no water. He like doesn't have a sip or a break. He just like powers through. These men from this age are unstoppable. Study them. He's just on rations.

Starting point is 00:18:40 Whatever they had in the war. It's World War II babies. Yeah, yeah, whatever. They have like, what are those called? Like SREs or some shit? Yeah, just a little freeze dried steak. What are those called? Don't have so many.

Starting point is 00:18:52 Oh, that's pills. Yeah, we're just talking about all the pills that Mick did in the 70s and 80s. I mean, I'm legitimately, and I don't think people like, I'm very defensive, so a lot of the times I'll like go to something else to explain but I'm very jealous you went did you did they love it Bobby oh yeah yeah yeah I mean it was yeah I blew it I should have gone um so real quick I apologize I interrupted your story to

Starting point is 00:19:17 tell you about the stones this would get me zapped on future I really thought you're gonna tell the story before we started the whole goddamn thing. But now that you don't have your weapon, I can tell the story. A week away, dude. And I do wanna, I don't know if we're gonna blur out where I found it, but I just, I read, the reason I'm gonna get zapped

Starting point is 00:19:36 is because we're in the age of don't criticize anybody. Cause you can, everything's siloed, so you can just pivot to people that are gonna tell you what you wanna hear. Yeah. And I think comics, it's very valuable to hear honest opinions. Because a lot of us aren't honest to each other. I'd get zapped for this, I'd get zapped for this

Starting point is 00:19:53 and I'd understand it. But this is more of a human thing you're talking about. Sure, but it's zappable. It's not a feedback in general, yeah. It's right, the broad's here. And it's about to be. You see that jump in between the two rods and you're like, oh, oh, like, Oh, I better change topics.

Starting point is 00:20:09 What's up with grocery shopping online? People do this in general. Like friends will be like, you know, Hey, it's good. This is why whiplash is such a great fucking movie. Yeah. When he's like, uh, Hey, great job is the worst thing you can fucking tell anybody. But, but I all read things that are said that are bad. A lot of times I don't, I won't necessarily respond to it, but I will go, yeah, all right. But there are some people that delete those, they block people. Nah, man, I let it all in.

Starting point is 00:20:36 I've never understood the blocking. If somebody's coming at you hard, hard, constantly for no real reason, but if somebody just goes, dude, I didn't like what you did, you go, all right, thanks for fucking checking it out. You you know what I mean what you do yeah I used to be very touchy about that but I think the reason that Hollywood sucks right now and no one understands why Hollywood sucks is because it's all hey great job you're amazing that's what every award show is that's what all of it is and that's why when people are like why do you movies suck now it's like cuz no one's going, this blows ass.

Starting point is 00:21:05 You made a hunk of shit, go make something better. It's because people have learned if you're nice, no one gets mad at you and everyone lets you work. And so, which leads me to the story. My former agent told me, she said, without giving away names, she said, she named a bunch of people that have these personas as like sweet and meek and like, Oh, I don't know. She said they were the most vicious, mean people she's ever worked with in her life. And a lot of the times the so-called

Starting point is 00:21:37 dickheads were the easiest people to work with because they're getting it out. Yep. And so then that's it, no more zaps. Put it down. If you had it, I'd be like, hold. You're gonna get so zap happy, dude. But it is, it is like, and it's understandable. It's like what you said. It's like, it's like a ecosystem where it's just like. Yeah, I can't, I can't play the game that way. And I don't, and I feel it like,

Starting point is 00:22:06 somebody will say to me sometimes, hey, isn't this comedian funny? Or isn't this thing good? And sometimes I just go, I can't, because I don't wanna attack anybody either if it's not like a friend friend of mine, but I also can't just go, yeah, it's great because we all work here.

Starting point is 00:22:20 I mean, in an office, I would assume like, if something isn't done right, you go like, well that's not done right. Like you didn't do the, you know, I'll use the example from office space, but you didn't do the TPS file, right? Like you gotta like do the file, right? You have to do this like thing, right? And I think in entertainment, it's all made up. It's all poop. Well, it's friends, it's friends suck at each other, but all the friends suck each other to the top,

Starting point is 00:22:47 and then they're at the top sucking each other. Yeah, dude. And then it's just money and fame and getting sucked. Outside of a few, the top is a big, and people always wonder, like, why did that person fall off? And you're like, well, they're at the suck fest. They're at the suck fest.

Starting point is 00:23:00 Everyone's just sucking, and fuck it. How much cum do you have? You know what I mean? You empty those balls, You gotta go back down. You gotta leave the orgy at some point. Get horny. But we talk about we talk about going away all the time. What does that mean?

Starting point is 00:23:10 Like like making something and then going away and like not being accessible. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's very valuable. I'm just thinking about that before I came here legitimately. About how you want to go away. Absolutely. Is this comedy talk? Is this applicable? I think this is life. Sound off in the comments. But I'm talking about like, yes, most people can't go away. Absolutely. Is this comedy talk? Is this Zappable? I think this is lifestyle. Sound off in the comments. But I'm talking about like, making a thing and just getting away

Starting point is 00:23:29 because I guess back to the content thing of like, you know, you see people recording themselves doing every fucking thing. And this is everybody, single moms out there shaking their ass with their kid crying in the corner. You got fucking people, people weeping, making cake.

Starting point is 00:23:44 You got dads driving, hey, I'm driving in my divorce hearing. You go, what the fuck is going on? Yeah, and when you find out they're like staged, like remember that one kid was bullied, but it turned out his mom was like, all right, now cry. And he's like, uh.

Starting point is 00:23:58 I didn't, yeah, it's crazy. There's been a couple of those examples where they're like completely faking it because the internet is all edited. Yes. People are only showing you on the internet. Yeah. It's all edited. Yes. People are only showing you on the internet what they want you to see. Profound. Unless someone else is recording you.

Starting point is 00:24:10 Not zappable. No, no, I'm just kidding. I was kidding. If that thing was coming at me, you would stop that. Yeah, the I the deal. OK, but you forget that when you're looking at the internet, you forget that it's all. Edited, I try to be very first of all, I don't look at it. You forget that when you're looking at the internet. You forget that it's all edited. I try to be very, first of all,

Starting point is 00:24:27 I don't look at TikTok myself. Unless it's text videos. Those aren't edited. Those aren't edited. That's God being like, no edits here. Or these women do, dude. None of these women are edited, dude. Those big lips and the weird cat eyes

Starting point is 00:24:39 and the fucking cat eyes. They all look alike, dude. Women look the same. It all looks the same. Every fucking woman looks like a goddamn, fucking cat yeah yeah big-ass fucking cat yeah dude and I'd love to fuck it fat I'm an adult human man but Jesus fucking Christ yeah it's it's pretty nuts man everyone looking the same is pretty crazy do you think like okay that woman that told her kid to cry right and then he cried and then she got whatever two and a half billion she probably got a manager she probably got a fucking manager you know that you know the woman that told her kid to cry, right? And then he cried and then she got whatever, two and a half billion.

Starting point is 00:25:05 She probably got a manager. She probably got a fucking manager. You know the woman that glued hair to her head got a manager? She had a fucking manager, dude. The manager's like, we're gonna get you into the beacon. They're gonna put her on stage probably. That always hurts when those kind of people move tickets

Starting point is 00:25:17 and we're still like, I got four shows, Columbus Funny Bone, please show her. Yeah, I mean, it's just like, but this is what, anyways, the woman that had the kid that she told to cry, right? Do you think, do you think, do you think people are having kids for content? Yes.

Starting point is 00:25:32 Yeah, I do too. I really do. People are having children. I don't believe that that's the reason they have kids. Not everybody, not everybody. But I think there are too many people probably, like an uncomfortable amount of people that have kids are in this life and they go like

Starting point is 00:25:48 Open this toy Dude, hey everybody. I'm on the road per usual August 9th and 10th. I will be at the San Jose improv So come on out if you're south of San Francisco come and hang out in San Jose at the improv August 9th and 10th and then August 22nd through the 24th If you're south of San Francisco, come and hang out in San Jose at the improv August 9th and 10th. And then August 22nd through the 24th, I'm going to be in Buffalo at the Helium Comedy Club.

Starting point is 00:26:11 I love Buffalo Helium. I've gone there for years. Let's pack it out. And then Comedy Zone, Charlotte, North Carolina. That is the 29th of August through the 31st. Those are going to be some fun shows. So come check me out in August through the 31st. Those are gonna be some fun shows So come check me out in Charlotte at the Comedy Zone Buffalo Charlotte San Jose, what a run dance order comm for tickets. I'm telling you right now

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Starting point is 00:29:16 Oh man, dude. The fucking, the unboxing videos, dude. Let him play with the fucking toy. Which by the way, we're gonna do later with cards. But you're an adult man making your own goddamn decisions. You're gonna prod your fucking self next week. I actually built this friendship up so we could unbox one day.

Starting point is 00:29:31 I am in turn the parent. Is it a figure? No, it's basketball cards. We do it at the end of the episode. But there has to be, I think there's gonna be lawsuits soon of kids suing their parents. Oh my god, yeah. You put my whole life. Well there's kids already that are suing their parents. Oh my God. You put my whole, my whole life.

Starting point is 00:29:46 Well there's kids already that are upset at their parents about putting like embarrassing moments on Facebook. Great. When they're fucking, they just left the dentist or their dick is caught in a fence or whatever it is. You're just like, man, stop it. I couldn't even imagine if my mom, every day all day. What moment do you have from your childhood

Starting point is 00:30:02 that if your mom would have put on Facebook, you would have sued her for? Suit I'd love to sue my mom for other I'm kidding. I wouldn't want to see my mom But well, what's the thing? I probably if my mom would have recorded her telling me that our dog is he died when I was like seven broke down I would have I would have had some beef when I grew up I'm trying to think of what is your most Sueable moment with your parent if parent. If they would have recorded it.

Starting point is 00:30:25 Oh, well, I mean, you could sewer for this. When I was a kid. You would sewer. Yeah, yeah. My mom, so my mom was like, hey, she sent me to Scouts as a kid. You didn't, we were fatherless men. So my mom sent me to Cub Scouts when I was a kid.

Starting point is 00:30:41 That's dangerous, dude. That's throwing you in a gator pit. Yo, absolutely. I mean, the fact that you didn't get diddled out of there. How'd you know I didn't? I'm kidding, I didn't. But I don't know, but you probably knew how to tie a knot to forget the dick in your butt.

Starting point is 00:30:52 I didn't know how to tie a knot. This is why I got yelled at all the time. I didn't have any badges because I didn't do anything. So I never wore my sash and they were like, where's your sash? You're not fully uniformed. All those people had Disney character names, dude. They were like, if you have a problem,

Starting point is 00:31:06 come talk to me, Mowgli. You're an adult, that's creepy, fuck off. I would've gotten molested by a guy named Baloo. The guy, I was gonna say Baloo, but I went with the Mowgli guy. But a guy going like, show me your little penis and balls, your little tiny penis and balls,

Starting point is 00:31:22 I'm gonna put them in my mouth and you're not gonna tell. And I'd have been like. What I'll tell you is. I'd have been getting jungle book fuckin' molested. That guy was real and he didn't tell, he was like just a guy with a cigarette. He was like, oh, you guy.

Starting point is 00:31:34 Hey, I'm called a bear in gay circles, but I'm not a real bear. I'm a hairy guy that fucks. Kids. My mom. Children. Yeah, I've gathered you here today. My mom told me, she goes,

Starting point is 00:31:50 I wanna send you to, so this is the campus called Camp Mush Mush in Nova Scotia, okay? And it's supposed to be like dog, whatever. So my mom goes, I'm taking you to camp. I go, I don't know, I hate camping. I hate the woods, fuck off, I don't wanna do it. She goes, okay, fine, fine.

Starting point is 00:32:03 I really fought her on it. She goes, we just have to drive your friend Bobby. I go the woods. Fuck off. I don't want to do it. She goes, OK, fine, fine. I like I really fought her on it. She goes, we just have to drive your friend Bobby. I go, great. So you're driving your friend. They were friends here. Her mom and his his mom and her mom. My mom were friends. Right. So both single moms throughout eating cigarettes. So we're driving to the driving to Camp Mushmush.

Starting point is 00:32:20 So I'm making fun of Bobby. I'm like, you got to go to camp. I'm going back to my Super Nintendo. You're a piece of shit. Like, I'm killing him. He's sitting there in the car so sad. We get to the fucking camp. My mom puts a cigarette in the fucking holder,

Starting point is 00:32:34 turns down the CCR, goes to the trunk, takes his bag out, then takes my bag out of the trunk. This lady fucking grifted me into a weekend of camp and I, Dan, broke down, dude. I started crying in front of the fucking counselors. I was like, 10. They're like, it's gonna be a fine weekend. I'm like, it's not, it's not. That was-

Starting point is 00:32:56 Did you, now let me ask you. Mm-hmm. And you have to give a real answer on this. Did you freak out? Did you have like a tantrum? I didn't like stomp around or anything. Did you cry really? I cried, I cried.

Starting point is 00:33:10 And like you couldn't breathe? I don't know if it was I couldn't breathe, but it was bad, it was bad, man. When a kid gases out crying, it's funny. But I was like, you fucking fucked me. I'm fucking, you leaving me in the fucking woods, dude, with these fucking. It's time to get mush mushed.

Starting point is 00:33:26 I sucked, man. So, and they're taking me around trying to be like, no, look, it's great. You can go out and swimming. I see kids out there flopping around in like swamp water with fucking lily pads and shit on them. Did you have a good time? No.

Starting point is 00:33:39 You didn't have a good time. Dan, I hate camping, man. I don't like bugs, the sun can fuck off. I don't like summer. I mean, I could tell you don't like the sun. camping, man. I don't like bugs. The sun can fuck off. I don't like summer. I mean, I could tell you don't like the sun. Yeah, dude. I'm getting burnt here. I'm not a fan. I'm an inside. I'm at least I'm a fall winter guy. God bless you. Give me a sweater. Give me a jacket. I hate the summer. Oh, I'll deal with a head cold for three days. So what? He took us to the place where that he goes, we make, he's like for breakfast, we have pancakes. And again, you're watching people swat flies

Starting point is 00:34:06 while they eat food. And I was just breaking down, dude. I was like, this is, I was almost to the point where I go, no, my mom's fucking around. She's gonna put me back in the car. And then I, again, gets back in, turns up the CCR, I see cigarette. Her and Bobby's mom drive off

Starting point is 00:34:20 and I'm standing there holding my bag like, she fucking left me marooned in the woods, dude, for three days. I'm gonna tell you right now, they had such a laugh driving away. Oh, buddy. They were like, he's gonna burn. He's gonna burn out there.

Starting point is 00:34:38 I'll give him SPF 20. Yeah, we're going to the bar. You saw the kids freckles, he's fucked. We're gonna go find some dudes. Both of our kids are in the woods for the weekend. They rang up on a landline. They rang up their slam pieces. 100%.

Starting point is 00:34:50 And they came over there and just got put through a wall. Pounded. Yeah, by a guy that unloads planes at the airport. Moving my toys out of the way. Just can't finally fuck. Sweep off all those ninja turtles and just take me to pound town. I don't want my son to meet you

Starting point is 00:35:04 because you're kind of dangerous, but I want to meet you. Splinters in her back? Oh, one of their little size is up my butt and I liked it. But dude, that day, if that would have been recorded. Damn, so she really? Oh yeah. Yeah, if she would have recorded that.

Starting point is 00:35:16 She would have gone, hey Nathan, Nathan, we're leaving you here. And then it would be like Ginger Kid Cries Loud. And I would've watched him taking a dump, I would've been like, I would've been pooping, and I'd be like, this kid's fucking going through it. That's the thing I try to remember too, when you post things, and it's like,

Starting point is 00:35:34 this is why hot, no, I won't get prodded. I'm not getting prodded, fuck you, dude. Fuck you with your fucking prod. I'm the one who gets prodded. You're right. Well, I agreed. This is the plan of my Jesus Christ angle. This isn't necessarily comedy talk.

Starting point is 00:35:48 This is just internet talk. Nathan, I will get prodded for your sins. You get prodded for other people? Forgive me homeless pimp, for they not know what they do. Agagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagag Go through all the settings at one time. But this is why hot comedy is so a thing now. Because you go, well not one of the only reasons, but like people are watching us violently shitting. When you're violently shitting, you're violently shitting, right?

Starting point is 00:36:14 Do you wanna see a little gargoyle man screaming about how tech's gonna ruin us all? Or do you wanna watch one of the hottest men with the sharpest jaws show his fucking pecs and tell a woman, oh, you don't like dating like that, boop, boop, tour dates. You wanna see a hot man or woman. Strippers.

Starting point is 00:36:31 You want some strippers. Yes, yes, because you're violently shitting. You're watching everything while you're shitting. Also, a lot of times it's just like, the internet's a great escape and you watch other people go through it and they're not your problems. So it's easier to watch where you go like,

Starting point is 00:36:46 wow, well if that happened to me, I'd do this. But if they were like, no one watches a video of someone in a loveless relationship and they're like, oh fuck, I'm gonna, you know. Or like, I'm severely in debt. You don't wanna watch videos of a guy in debt. You wanna watch a kid cry, get marooned at camp. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:37:05 Kid left at camp by a mama went straight to a bar. I'm trying to think of what moment I would fucking sue my mom for. Probably, I don't know. Would she canceled my 12th, my last birthday party I was gonna have. She canceled it because my grades were bad. She would have filmed that freak out.

Starting point is 00:37:25 12? Yeah, I think I freaked out. And what was gonna happen at your 12th birthday? We were supposed to go to fucking Discovery Zone or something. We were supposed to go do something awesome. Science Center. Oh my God, we were gonna go, there was gonna be,

Starting point is 00:37:37 my birthday's in June, so it was gonna be slides and fucking all towards the shit. Slides, rides, and. I'm trying to think what else would be a good moment where I could sue my mom when I was little. I went to my mom, so I don't know how to swim, basically till now. I still don't really know how to swim.

Starting point is 00:37:54 I can float around a little bit and move a bit, but it don't toss me out there. Again, I don't wanna swim. Fuck the ocean. Why? Swimming's so fun. Buddy, the beach can fuck off. I'm just not, everything to do with summer,

Starting point is 00:38:04 I don't need in my life. I like swimming because you jump in the pool and you get all the bugs out that you can't get out from blowing your nose. No one else? All right. When you come up and there's bugs and then you go back under and you go,

Starting point is 00:38:16 pfft. I don't go under. Oh, dude, I live underwater. I can't swim. Before I started smoking weed, my eyes were red just from keeping them under in chlorine. Yeah. I love looking underwater. What am I, a gator dude? I'm watching everybody. I would like to do, I would like to go like a scuba diving thing. I want to go what's

Starting point is 00:38:32 under there because it's cool. Underwater is cool. Dip your head under and look at everyone's legs. No, I want to go like the ocean. Like, I want to see a fish. I don't want to see some fucking weirdos foot. But, but my mom, so my mom sent me to the bar. Grandma Michael's under the water. It's very fun. Guys, Arena Club for you card lovers, which is crazy, because this segment of us doing cards was just supposed to be kinda something to like work through basketball cards,

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Starting point is 00:40:14 ArenaClub.com slash Soder. That's ArenaClub.com slash Soder for 10% off your first purchase. I hate the summer. So my mom sent me to lessons at the Y and I went twice, because the first time they were like, we can't fucking teach this kid. He's just a rock. They put a pool table, no, a picnic table in the pool

Starting point is 00:40:34 and I floated on it and then they moved it and I just fell. But they go like this. I'm not even kidding. A full picnic table? Full, one of those little like yellow, green kid picnic tables. Legit, they put it in the shallow end

Starting point is 00:40:44 and they go lay on it. And I was like, all right, all right. And then they just fucking natural buoyancy. Nothing. So, so, but then one guy goes, he goes, I got it. He goes, I'm going to teach this kid how to swim. He goes, go down the slide into the deep end. And he goes, you'll, you'll have to learn how to swim. Not what happened.

Starting point is 00:40:59 That's not true at all. Not what happened. That's very. Yeah. Yeah. The nineties. That's like Instagram motivator thought process. You don't want to fucking swim, dude. You're gonna kill yourself. You're gonna take $100,000. You're gonna drop it into crypto sink or swim. And you're like, we've lost all your money.

Starting point is 00:41:16 And they go, see you sank. You're dying. Tour dates. Yeah. So so I went on the fucking slide because what am I gonna do? I'm a kid. I went on the slide. I hit the water. I sunk, sunk straight to the bottom and then I walked. I'm not kidding. I walked up the ramp to the shallow end. Just young Nathan McIntosh just griping. All the bubbles coming up. You're like, and then you as you hit the water you go and I told you I didn't want to. As you hit the water, you go, and I told you I didn't wanna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna,

Starting point is 00:41:44 I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I said I didn't wanna go on the fucking slide. You got all the way out, no one had to jump in again. I walked straight up, I walked up the ramp, dude. I walked up the fucking ramp to the shallow end. You got some worms on you, dog. You didn't even get a little scared? No, I don't, well, I guess I was, yeah,

Starting point is 00:41:59 but I just remember walking, like, I can't do anything, I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't do it. So then, that would've have sucked too if she recorded me just fucking Godzilla-ing the goddamn shower. Yeah, just breaching. Yeah. But you, no one jumped in after you?

Starting point is 00:42:13 Nobody jumped. They, dude, the guy said you're gonna fucking swim or die, man, so he was holding me to that. And I walked. And then I failed the class. Man of his word. Giving you an F and not jumping after you is callous. then any I failed the class. Give you an F and not jump in after you is callous. Failed, failed the class, of course I fucking failed, I can't swim.

Starting point is 00:42:31 Yeah but you walked out of it. You know what else I like to sue now that we're talking about this as a kid. Yeah bring it up dude we're getting whole cases. So I fucking when I was a kid my front tooth is fake because when I was eight we were playing catch in a tennis court at school a kid we both jumped up to grab a ball the kid in front of me Thomas friend of mine for years he elbowed me directly in the fucking tooth pushed it back like this it was like oh so I had to go to the hospital for the emergency room dentist

Starting point is 00:42:58 hours that day hours and hours I was in a chair for like eight hours while this guy straightened my fucking tooth and it lived for years until it didn't and then I had to get a fake tooth. Anyways, he goes like this, I'm fucking fucked. He goes, what's your favorite animal? I go, I go cheetah. He goes, okay. He drew a cheetah on his bib so that as I was sitting there while he fixed my tooth, I could look at a smiling cheetah. I'd love to sue that man. He ruined the cheetah. I hate a cheetah. If I ever see a cheetah, look at a smiling cheetah. I'd love to sue that man. He ruined the cheetah. I hate a cheetah. If I ever see a cheetah, I'll kick a cheetah.

Starting point is 00:43:29 Eight hours, my fucking tooth, my lips are busted. I'm watching a smiling cheetah look at my face. I think you've proven your anger would give you the speed to catch a cheetah. It can keep you breathing underwater. Your anger is your secret power. 60 miles an hour. That's insane.

Starting point is 00:43:42 I catch a cheetah. He goes, look at Nathan go. He's going, got it. Got it. Got it. That's crazy. Look at him go. Oh, yeah. Fucking fucking cheetah. The guy was obviously, he's a very nice dentist. He was trying to be nice, but I mean, staring at a smiling cheetah while your mouth gets fucked for eight hours. He didn't think it out. No, no. He's like, this is an eight year old kid. This will be nice for him.

Starting point is 00:44:07 And I was, I hate the cheetah. I think they, I think with kids, and I don't know, I don't have them, but I think with kids, you think you're distracting them and really you're doing a lot of damage. Like remember the dentist, they would give you,

Starting point is 00:44:19 the mouthwash would be bubble gum flavor. They'd be like, here's bubble gum flavor mouthwash. Thinking that you would be like, oh, I love bubble gum. This is fine. But then it makes you hate bubble gum flavor. They'd be like, here's bubble gum flavor mouthwash. Thinking that you would be like, oh, I love bubble gum, this is fine. But then it makes you hate bubble gum. The taste of bubble gum, because you go like, oh, it's like that mouthwash at the dentist.

Starting point is 00:44:33 And then they stopped doing it because they realized, oh, we're not distracting these kids, we're actually fucking them up. Yeah, hubba bubba or dentine or somebody called them and was like, you guys are, yeah. You're fucking my bottom line. Quarters down. Sue, I think the point of this episode is sue, sue, sue.

Starting point is 00:44:48 I would probably sue. I know what I'd sue my mom. And this is my fault. But I'd sue my mom. I had two pairs of boxing gloves. And when I was like 12, I went to my friend Byron's house. And I was like, me and my friend Byron and Mike, who's now the head coach of the Miami Dolphins. That's amazing.

Starting point is 00:45:07 Yeah. That's amazing. Shout out Dolphins, dude. That's seriously incredible. Fins up. We were all at Byron's house and we were gonna box. Now Mike had braces, so he's like, I can't box because it'll fucking cut my mouth up.

Starting point is 00:45:21 So I'll be the timekeeper. So Byron and I were gonna box. And I had, I remember I had these two pairs of boxing gloves and my mom's at home and I'm like, I'm gonna go box with Byron. If I come back, I remember I said this, I was wearing a big Johnson shirt. My dad used to buy me, that was like the only communication we had. He sent me a big Johnson shirts. Do you remember those?

Starting point is 00:45:42 No. Dude, big Johnson shirt. What is it? Yeah, What's a big Johnson? I'm going to show you right now. Big Johnson. You were referencing like a athlete who these to call big Johnson. No big Johnson shirts were, um, T-shirts where there was a, it was a, uh, I bought them for the whole bonfire crew during the pandemic and I don't know

Starting point is 00:46:00 what happened to them, but like, this is the best example. So it's like, um, I don't know what happened to them, but like this is the best example. So it's like, see, it's like a nerdy guy. But read it. Read it out loud. You can get in and out of any deep hole when you're driving a big Johnson.

Starting point is 00:46:17 So it's all dick, it's all penis analogies. That's a big Johnson four by fours. It says, you're laughing, it's the worst. But I also love how stupid it is for a kid to be walking around in that. You know what I mean? For adults. Exactly, it's such a,

Starting point is 00:46:35 it's for a guy who's been in Vegas for like 12 years. Big Johnson cornhole. Nothing beats getting my sack in your hole. I'd walk around with these as a child. As a child. Your dad. My dad was, dude my dad thought it was the, Gary thought it was the best.

Starting point is 00:46:51 I was rocking this big Johnson shirt. And I'm like, which by the way, I have a child's penis. I'm 12. Yeah. I'm having a Johnson. I'm having a little tiny, 12-year-old peck. I love that you think that's the only problem with the big J. Like you need a big dick to have a big Johnson shirt.

Starting point is 00:47:08 I don't know. You're gonna wear the wrapper. You better have the product inside. That's all I'm saying. So I walk over to Byron's house and I got two sets of gloves and I'm like, to my mom, she was sitting at the computer playing Tetris or some shit and I was like, hey, I come back. Tetris. She loved Tetris or some shit and I was like, hey, I come back. Tetris.

Starting point is 00:47:25 She loved Tetris. I was like, if I come back with blood on my shirt, it's probably Byron's. That's what I said. Wow, that's a fucking, you just pointed at the bleachers. That's insane. That's an insane thing to say. So I go to Byron's house.

Starting point is 00:47:41 Byron, by the way, way tougher than me. He's a- Both 12, you're both 12? Yeah. Okay. He's a commercial electrician now Just let you know. Oh, yeah He was a man at 13 cigarettes dock worker. I'm boy always been a boy Look at the cock on this kid Love to suck those tits Walking into grade 4 you're always getting out of pre-algebra

Starting point is 00:48:06 when you've got a big Johnston, doesn't it make sense? X plus Y equals cock when you've got a big Johnston. So I go over to Byron's house and we're in his front yard and we're boxing or whatever and Mike, you know, he's being the timekeeper. We're doing rounds. Three minutes? I think so. Unbelievable. You know, being, he's being the timekeeper. We're doing rounds. Three minutes? I think so.

Starting point is 00:48:25 Unbelievable. You know, Queensberry rules. Yeah. And so he goes, time. And I, and I, I get Byron. Mike calls time and I fucking bop Byron, right? Byron's like, what the fuck? So it's just one of those things

Starting point is 00:48:40 where he just starts throwing and I'm covering up and I'm like, poop like poop poop leave the middle open uppercut right Tooth goes into my lip and just blood starts coming out all over my big Johnson shirt. It was white It was just blood all over the place and everyone's like my compiler like you're all right You're all right You know when a friend gets hurt and they think and you think if you say you're all right enough It'll stop with the bleeding. So you're all right. You're all right, you know when a friend gets hurt and you think if you say you're all right enough, it'll stop with the bleeding.

Starting point is 00:49:06 They're like, you're all right, you're all right. And I pull my tooth went into my lip and I pull it off and it's like all the way through. I would've sued my mom for when I came home if she would've videotaped me going, hey, I thought it was Byron's blood. Like that old Chuck Wepner thing, you're gonna be asleep with the champ tonight?

Starting point is 00:49:24 Yeah. And then when he walked into his room, his wife went, so does the champ come here, or do I go there? That's so funny. Look at this big dick kid bleeding all over the place. Whoa, whoa, I was asking you to take your pants off, but I don't want the nurses getting in a tizzy.

Starting point is 00:49:37 Let's sew that lip shot. Just rolls down the hallway. This 12 year old's got a fucking rope. Whoa, this kid's got blood all over his face, but clearly, so he must've fucked a man's wife with that big cocky. You know what's funny? Neither one of us said we would sue our dad. I mean, I genuinely want to sue my father. If he was alive, I would fucking, I would own his ass in court if he would have stayed alive I would go on the road for six weeks and take all the money and put it into a fund and hire a fucking Just a shark in New York City to absolutely hammer

Starting point is 00:50:22 Earhole my father in his stupid lake fucking town. I would find him, I would garnish his wages. I would make what Trish did to him look like light work, dude. I would- Hid him with a prod? Oh dude, I would have legally prodded him. There would have been a legal probe, not a prod, a probe. Oh man.

Starting point is 00:50:40 I would have fucked my dad up. If he was alive, I would have taken every ash tray and lighter. alive. I want to take it every ass train lighter funny I would make him shave his mustache. I would have fucked his shit up. He's lucky. He's in God's kingdom. I Hope so. I don't want him in hell. I still Fucked him up, dude, your dad's alive. No, he passed away a couple years ago. Damn him up dude. Is your dad still alive? No he passed away a couple years ago. Damn. I would have gone after him too. If they were both alive we'd both just become a fucking lawyer. Soder and Tosh. Dude dude dude. Law firm. Dude Mac, Tosh and Soder, V, Mac and Tosh and Soder. I would have fucking. These men are suing themselves. They go, no, no, no. No, no, no, you're gonna wait and see, judge.

Starting point is 00:51:25 They're going to the root. I would have fucked my dad up. I wanna start that now. If I got famous enough, if I got popular enough, suing. Like, hypothetically, if my standup keeps building and my audience keeps building and I do like a major theater,

Starting point is 00:51:43 I would absolutely have a slush fund to just go fuck up Deadbeat dads at court. And I would hire, I'd just get a guy named like, you know, from like the Steinberg, Levine and Steinberg. You've never seen, so Nova Scotia, right? We used to get Fox Rochester. So I would get all of Rochester's, you know. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:06 Commercials and shit. Did you ever see a commercial for Jim the Hammer Shapiro? No, but I'm gonna look him up right now. It's one of the 1-800-546-7777. This guy was a complete, complete psycho. He was a personal injury attorney and he'd say things like, I cannot, I can't kill those who have hurt you for the victims

Starting point is 00:52:27 They hurt for the survivors of those they kill I hunt them down and I wring out every single dollar No matter how long it takes if a drunk has wrecked your life call 1-800-546-7777 It's on YouTube though, and I promise oh, I'll lay them on their stomach and I'll butt fuck them. Dude, I can't handle their severed heads. I love it. I was skipping school, watching Jenny Jones and shit and those commercials would come on and I'm not,

Starting point is 00:52:53 I would be like, wow, America's fucking bananas. This guy was on TV. This is like 10 a.m. There would be explosions in the commercial. That's cool. There'd be the devil. There'd be like just grim death and that guy screaming, I'll squeeze them for every dollar I can.

Starting point is 00:53:08 I would buy a local commercial in Lakeport and I'd be like, are you my dad? You're fucked. You're fucked. I'm coming to get you, Gary. I know where you sleep. Mary Lou can't block you when I absolutely dominate your ass in court.

Starting point is 00:53:25 If you, if somebody took the tests, studied, passed the bar solely for the commercial, to sue their own dad, it would be the greatest revenge story of all time. Pass to the bar to sue his own father. I am willing to start a dad issues slush fund where if you have legal dad issues, I will fund a lawyer and whatever we get from your dad, you gotta pay your legal fees up to a certain amount. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:56 I'm not gonna bankrupt you. I just kinda need to make these guys paid and you know, I've got a life, but I wanna make enough money to just fuck up dads in court. Just absolutely. And moms, dude, I'm not biased. Your mom did some shady shit like Chad Daniels on one of our first episodes

Starting point is 00:54:16 of our podcast told all these stories about his dad stole his identity. Really? Yeah. I took money from him, stole a car, a rented car that Chad Daniels had, like incredible shit. Yeah, I took money from him stole a car rented car that Chad Daniels had like Incredible shit if young Chad Daniels would have came to me and we're talking about 2027 2028 dance odor We're talking about and this is gonna live on YouTube forever this episode If I got the money, baby, call me up Cuz I want to retire after I make a certain amount of money, but this is for sport.

Starting point is 00:54:46 I want to fucking find your dad. Game hunting. Big, big dad hunting. You have a hat. That's your commercial. Safari hat. You have one of those shirts. I'm going to come through leaves. I'm like, there it is. There's your dad. I'm Dan Soder and I'm going to personally fund big dad hunting. You have one of the elephant gun. But it says gone dad hunting on the other side of it.

Starting point is 00:55:06 It's open season on dads. I'm funding all the hunting on dads. Child support cases, stole it. Green screen behind you with just a bunch of stampeding animals. This is gonna happen. I make a lot of promises like my father. Did he say he's gonna show up at your game and never did?

Starting point is 00:55:25 Get him there! So funny. I wanna fuck up dads at court. Hey man, any way I could help in this endeavor, because it's such a ridiculous, it's so ridiculous. And I'll tell you this, if you blow up. You want content. What if we both do well?

Starting point is 00:55:39 What if we both do well and stand up? We funnel our assets. Buddy, the Soder Tosh law firm and we only go after deadbeat dads is a pretty fun fucking time. And we'll hire local young lawyers that haven't really made partner yet. And we're just gonna have fucking young sharks just going after these shit dads.

Starting point is 00:56:01 And it's the same, and we have a show that goes with it called dads, but it's like cops. Yeah, it goes bad it's the same. And we have a, we have a spit, a show that goes with it called dads, but it's like cops. Yeah. It goes bad dads, bad dads. What you gonna do? What you gonna do? Why did you never call me on my birthday? Bad dads, bad dads.

Starting point is 00:56:15 And it's the same show. Like you kick in the door and it's a guy, he's covered mustard. He's got a half eaten sandwich. Or a new family. Yeah. Oh man. Oh, that's your brother from my first marriage. He jumps, he jumps he jumps

Starting point is 00:56:25 over the fence we got a runner they going over the fence get over here dad bad dance bad dance you know they were talking to you get away goes who sent you that bitch ex-wife of mine I go you kid your kid did Colin said yeah he goes Colin Soder and Tosh I haven't talked to him in five years. Well, it's open season. Dude, this is gonna work. I'm in, but yeah, you gotta, I mean, anyway, that commercial's fucking ridiculous.

Starting point is 00:56:54 Anyways, Jim the Hammer Shapiro. And I was in Rochester, nobody knew who the fuck I was talking about. I did a show in Rochester and I go, oh man, I'm gonna talk for 10 minutes about Jim the Hammer Shapiro. I walk out, I go, I don't even remember what I said, but I go, guys, Jim the Hammer. Nothing, I got Stonewalled.

Starting point is 00:57:10 That does suck, because you're like, guys, this is something we share, but also what you've just brought up, I just got prodded. Oh fuck, I get fucking prodded, god damn it. You just got me prodded. Fuck, it's so hard. You just got me prodded.

Starting point is 00:57:20 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just got Jim the Hammer Shapiro story. This is a dry run, but you just got me prodded. You're right, prod me of a Shapiro story. This is a dry run. God damn it. But you just got me prodded. You're right, prod me. I gotta stand up, take my pants down. Yeah. Rachel Feinstein might be the first episode.

Starting point is 00:57:31 She's gonna have to circle through all of her voices to get me to not get prodded. Her mom one is really funny. She's like, oh, stop prodding Dan. Sassin' him around. I go, Rachel, the more you do that voice, the more he'll prod me. Yeah, dude, it's parenting now with the internet.

Starting point is 00:57:49 I mean, parenting has always probably been so hard, but now- But people are definitely having kids for content. Like there's just no way around it. Not everybody. I think they're forcing their kids into content. I don't know if you are actually like being like, blow in me, we're gonna have an Instagram model.

Starting point is 00:58:04 You think? I think so too. have an Instagram model. You think? HP thinks they are. You think kids are- YouTube channel, dude. NBA hoes, why not? Yeah, NBA hoes go. It's no longer enough for an NBA ho to get knocked up by a guy

Starting point is 00:58:15 that's gonna play four years in the league. But now you're gonna have a kid that you can film his journey. Wow. That's what they probably all call it. By the way, Soder and Tosh law firm, we're going after all parents that use their kids. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:31 We're gonna fight, dude, this video is gonna be shown to me in an alley behind a theater by a destitute kid one time after two great shows where I got like a new hour working. I'm gonna go, I have to go to my hotel and eat my bunless hamburger. Myrtle the Fifth is there in a camel. And they're gonna go, no Mr. Soder, I have to show you this.

Starting point is 00:58:53 I go, Nathan McIntosh, haven't seen that fiery son of a bitch in the news. You're halfway in your limo, you got a cigarette, glasses. They go, what is it kid, make it quick. I've got Steam Deck to play. One of those scarves. That's not even a scar. It's just like a dress scarf. They go, Mr.

Starting point is 00:59:09 Soder, Mr. Soder. Yes. What is it child? And they go, this video from your old podcast. I go, that old blue couch. If those couches could talk. What is it?

Starting point is 00:59:21 And they go, you were going to go after dads. I go, yes. Rip your glasses off. Just rip them right off. I remember that promise. Will you? I go, McIntosh, it's soda. I know you're dominating the West Coast.

Starting point is 00:59:36 I'm dominating the East Coast. I know you're living in your... Cut to me, I'm wearing two big Johnson T-shirts. You go, I've got two cocks like an iguana and they're both big, big Johnson. But then you go, yeah, I'm in my castle in Holland. What do you want? I go, we've got to do the Soder Macintosh and then we'll crush all the parents that were bad.

Starting point is 00:59:58 Yeah, this guy shows up with just a sock full of change. She's like, this is all I have right now. Save it kid. You just saw me. I just did six shows at MetLife. Back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to straight back out. Just bring in the new crowd. When these guys are coming out. Bring in the new crowd. I don't know where I'd grab a prod and it's homeless pimps still there. I go, not today, pimpy. We're saving kids' lives.

Starting point is 01:00:30 We're talking dads. I do think, I just. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Gigi, gigi, gigi, gigi.

Starting point is 01:00:37 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I light my cigarette with it. Ah, man. Tic, tic, tic, tic, tic. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah Oh man. That's hilarious. That would be fucking cool as shit. Yeah, I'm surprised it hasn't happened already. No joke, or maybe there has been. Maybe there is a lawyer out there that only, there has to be, right?

Starting point is 01:00:53 There almost has to be. Fuck, so many lawyers are going, we work in child law. Yes, dude, it's a whole. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, they're like, we got a whole system over here. It's a whole child law. But I want a vigilante, Jim the Hammer,

Starting point is 01:01:04 Shapiro type guy that's like, I want, when he, dude, me and my brother have laughed about this for years. He says, I will hunt them down and settle the score. That's fucking hilarious. Now I want you to remember that, because that's what we're putting on our office door. Let me get sued by this guy. What are you talking about?

Starting point is 01:01:21 We're bringing Shapiro into the fold. If he's still alive. The hammer and all his little nails, that's what we call us kids. If he's still alive. We'll bringing Shapiro into the fold. If he's still alive. The hammer and all of his little nails. That's what we call as kids. If he's still alive. We'll let him all into the fold. His nails. Here's the toolbox. That's his life. Here's the little nails. Welcome to the toolbox. Can I get you guys something to drink?

Starting point is 01:01:39 He goes, that's my son. He's a little bit of an Allen wrench. If you know what I mean. He's gay. He comes into the room. He's, his head is shaped like, Oh dad, stop it. And he's literally shaped like an Allen key. He goes, Oh, stop. He goes, what do you, what do you want me to do? I'm a good lawyer, but I'm also extremely homophobic. You saw my commercials. Satan explosions. They had doom from the video game. I mean, they probably got sued for that, right?

Starting point is 01:02:06 Probably maybe that's what happened to him. Maybe that's why he ended up just folding into the wind Cut my life into pieces! This is my last resort! To the hammer, Shapiro! Did your dad leave you? So sad! I'm excited for this. I'm excited for this new venture in our lives. Well, both of us have to start selling out MetLife, which is going to be tough. Nah, I know. Because I just saw the stones there and one guy really hated the crowd work.

Starting point is 01:02:42 Well, honestly, Mick should have kept it to the set list. He did one thing, when I saw him on Sunday, they did one thing about pizza and it was so stupid. Just like old man pizza? He goes like this, he goes, "'Who's here from New York?' "'Who's here from Jersey?' "'Screaming.'

Starting point is 01:02:57 "'Who's here from Connecticut?' Then he goes, "'I heard that Connecticut has the best pizza.' The building lost its fucking mind.' I know, I've started a riot. He did something like that. He goes, he goes, it's just a wind up. It's just a, I'm spawning you up.

Starting point is 01:03:10 But it's very funny to hear 45,000 people because people love chanting shit. So even in such a small, stupid thing, when he's like, oh, I heard they have the best pizza. People were ready to rip the seeds out and start killing somebody. It's like, who cares? There's a lot of boomers in one room.

Starting point is 01:03:24 Oh, a lot of boomers. Boomers have me. Well, first of all, there was nans there. Like 86 year old cookie bacon nans. I actually had to fall off a section and hit the middle of a hole with a neck first. Because you're so drunk? No, I was just old.

Starting point is 01:03:38 Oi. Are you kidding? Guy fucking broke his neck? Yeah, dude. I think the other- He could have easily killed himself. But there was young people there too. Lots of young people.

Starting point is 01:03:47 Dude, I saw like, I'm not kidding, 20 year old people, 30 year old people. There was a guy with his kid on his fucking shoulders. That's the appeal of the stones that can get everybody. Yeah. The wizards. They are one of the greatest, if not the greatest rock band of all time.

Starting point is 01:03:59 I'd say that, the greatest. I'm upset I didn't go. 60, 61 years. We've gone full circle. Yeah, I didn't mean to the greatest I'm upset. I didn't go 60 61 years. We've gone full circle. Yeah, I didn't mean to. Back to being upset. I'm so happy with our vigilante law firm and now I'm sad. I will hunt them down. Settle the score. Just that's how I end every podcast. Thank you. What are the status?

Starting point is 01:04:26 But instead I play PlayStation. Which game? Oh dude, it was an orgy. First off I got, I was playing rocket league, full of WWE 2K24, little Sifu. Do you play Robocop? I don't like first person shooters. Okay.

Starting point is 01:04:43 It's truly amazing though. It's a great game. You have a special out on YouTube right now, which is fucking hilarious. Thank you. It's called Down with Tech. Down with Tech, he's right. I know the robots are capturing this and computing it to themselves. Hey, I was going to eat us all.

Starting point is 01:04:57 Yep. Please check it out on YouTube. Down with Tech, Nathan McIntosh is one of the funniest people on earth. Go at Nathan McIntosh on Instagram. All socials and stuff, yeah. It's at Nathan McIntosh. We of the funniest people on earth. Go at Nathan McIntosh on Instagram. All socials and stuff, yeah. It's at Nathan McIntosh. We'll put the spelling right here.

Soder - 38: Old Stones with Nathan Macintosh | Soder Podcast | EP 38

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