Soder - 41: Dog Bites with Liz Miele | Soder Podcast | EP 41

Episode Date: August 21, 2024

Support the sponsors to support the show! Aura is having their very first Friends and Family sale, and we've got an exclusive offer just for our listeners. For a limited time only, you can get $35 off their best-selling frame by visiting AuraFrames.com and using the promo code SODER at checkout. That’s A-U-R-A Frames.com, promo code SODER. This is the best offer of the season, so don’t miss out! It’s finally time to stop crushing your balls in uncomfortable jeans by going to theperfectjean.nyc. Our listeners get 15% off your first order plus Free Shipping, Free Returns and Free Exchanges when you use code SODER15 at checkout. That’s 15% off for new customers at theperfectjean.nyc with promo code SODER15. After you purchase, they’ll ask you where you heard about them. PLEASE support our show and tell them we sent you. F*%k your khakis and get The Perfect Jean. Go to Zocdoc.com/SODER and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. Follow Liz Miele https://www.instagram.com/lizmiele/?hl=en Watch her special here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftaI0VJCF00 She's also recording her NEW special on Sep 15 in Brooklyn! https://www.eventbrite.com/cc/liz-miele-space-camp-special-taping-2019999 Dan is on the road all 2024! Get tickets @ https://www.dansoder.com/tour Aug 22- 24 Buffalo,NY Aug 29-Aug 31 - Charlotte,NC Sep 13-14 St.Louis Nov 8 - NYC Town Hall Nov 9 - Toronto, Canada Dec 6 - Chicago, IL Dec 7 - Milwaukee, WI PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572 Connect with me! Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by    @homelesspimp https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

Buffalo, I'm coming to helium. Buffalo, New York, you are cold in the winter and hot in the summer. Well, I'm coming in the fall. It's August 22nd through August 24th. I'm going to be at Buffalo Helium. Five shows with Brendan Sagalow. We're going to have a hell of a time. Danceholder.com for tickets. Then Charlotte, North Carolina, August 29th through the 31st. Gonna be at the Charlotte Comedy Zone. Five shows. Love that room. It's very fun. I got Dan St. Germain with me for those. I mean, these are gonna be some fun weekends. DanSoder.com for tickets right now. Go. Do it. And then while you're there, watch my special, do some stuff. I don't know. Why are you watching this? Is this on Instagram? Is this on YouTube? Everything is broken. Let's embrace dancehoder.com

It sucks when you when you have a snafu like that and you're like, I tried to not have this. Yeah, and it's also like, if they would've said- It's like people who don't smoke and get cancer. 100%. You're like, what the fuck, I didn't smoke. And they're like, well-

It almost feels like, what was the famous trombone player? You would pull in the smoke and he got cancer from performing in the 60s, because literally the trombone pulls in the smoke. So he died at like 40 from, so it feels a little bit like that where it's just like, come on man, if you would have told me, I don't care. I'll bleep it. But like, this is the beginning of the robots starting to beat us.

I actually don't think it's the robots on this one. You think it's human error. So the robots are the ones that scanned it initially. Someone reported me. No! It had to be, because Vaheem was three hours later, and mine was 48 hours later. And what I think it is,

is when you start to go outside your fan base, people that don't like you know how to fuck you. Oh man! And that's what it is. This human on human shit, we gotta calm it down, because the robots are coming. Yeah, no, and I like them better. No, you say that now. Yeah, I mean and I like them better. No, you say that now.

Yeah, I mean, I like my washing machine, does that count? No, does it play a cool song when it's done? It does. Just go like, do do do do do do. And as somebody, as one of very few people, I have a joke about my washing machine where I'm like, I'm one of seven in the city, I am one of the elite.

Yeah. I'll be like leaving a message for like Carmen or something and it'll be like, do do do do do. And I was like, I'm so, that's so not shit. My friend needs me, my friend needs me. I was like, I'm so sad. That's so not my friend needs me. I was like, if you want to come over and do laundry, you can. We have a tiny unit in ours. It's like very small.

Wash like three shirts at a time. It's like one of those ones. You're like, this isn't even a full load. But the dryer has the thing that it's like old school. It's like an eighties one. And it just goes, when it's done. And it's like an annoying roommate. We're like, all right.

Also smells burnt for some reason. But you don't realize, the one of the things I'm jealous of, of all my friends that still live in Colorado. House. And the houses that live in LA is parking, backyard, but appliances. You don't realize like-

And like counter space for the appliances. Counter space, dishwasher. Yeah. It's so funny when you go to a house outside of New York. Once you've lived here long enough that you like rub the spaces and you're like, Oh, you're like a caveman. I'm like in like my friend's guest bathroom, just kind of standing there like in a daze.

Look at like space. I'm like opening up mirrors just being like, Oh, you put it. Oh, you got this is crazy. How did you get all this? I don't live in a city that's charity making no money. And I'm just like Kings. I mean, he goes on the road with Nate and he'll come to the cities and you're like, yeah, you could buy a house in that city for fucking 40 bucks. Yeah. But the people, bro. Yeah. But the people are, people are fine.

I think people are fine everywhere. I think robots are going to really start bringing together humanity. I think once Boston Dynamics makes that first robot that has, I think they've already done it with like a gun on their back. You know, like the dog, the robot dogs, I saw one with like a mounted machine gun on it. And you're like, this is where like San Francisco, yeah, go Niners, but the police force started using them. And you're like, that's gonna be, that's Terminator. Sure. Are you scared of the future at all?

Yeah, but probably not for that reason. I think we'll be long gone before the robots come out. No, no, no, I think that's what does it. I've watched Terminator too many times, but I think that's what does it. I think we give them, I think the way AI is progressing and the way that we're building robots, it's kind of a lot where we're like, Hey guys, we've made enough movies about this. You would think that they would like,

stop it. Yeah, no, they're not. There's so much money in it. This is what, this is the problem is there gets, you've seen this with people in entertainment, but I've seen it outside with my other friends at jobs. They have like their morals, and then they bump up against an undeniable amount of money. And then they go, I don't have morals. I mean, yeah, look at the oil companies.

Yeah, but it's like every industry has it, where you get to a certain point where they go, how about this number? They slide a number across the thing and you go, ah, that was all bullshit back there. Watch me doing privates for boss. I don't care about kids. Who cares about the future?

I'm not gonna be here. And that's what I feel like. Like Boston Dynamics is gonna slide me a money to do a private. I'm gonna be like, I think robots are great. I actually think they do a lot. Honestly, I've been pro robots my whole life. I hope they're listening.

I've been pro robots. I'll go pro China, you go pro robots. One of us is gonna strike rich if I'm like the People's Republic just go into perfect Mandarin damn Dan really sold out all my ads are in Mandarin I want to get another dog I have a family to support all right Liz you can fucking go out there I was worried you weren't in that Myrtle always greets people in an aggressive way. I mean, my parents are vets.

I didn't know that. How do you not know that, girl? I knew you were a cat person. Yeah, but like, I've had every animal. You name an animal, I grew up with it. Lizards? Yeah, chameleon. Chameleons are cool.

They're the less creepy of the lizards. I don't know if they're less creepy. I mean, an iguana is the creepiest. I actually, the chameleon, the fact that it changed colors and like when it was angry It was red and when it was like horny it was like orange like it was like you'd walk in your room You're like all my chameleons all horny. Oh, dude. Is it March? Humans need that just want a bus like that guy's gonna show me his penis. I mean, that's what boners are You can't see that until that

fucking jacket opens on the guy on the subway. Did you like ever make it mad and watch it turn red? Yeah, of course. We used to fuck with it because we were kids. So, you know, you would put your finger in and you take it out and it thinks it's like a mouse. You know what I mean? It thinks it's food.

You take it out and it would go and it would hit the side of the- It would go, donk. Yeah, and it would be pissed and my mom was always like so fucking with Louie man Louie's a good name for a lizard How long did you have that did it survive because a lot of times when people have these like pets you always find out The death of it was it was a cornerstone moment in their life Um, like did you squeeze it? a cornerstone moment in their life. Like, did you squeeze it?

I know a lot of idiots. No, no, no, for sure. So I feel like anything that survived in my family, including my siblings, is 100% my mom's doing. So we got a lot of hand-me-down pets from employees that would leave or people that didn't want to take care of it. Some people would board their cat and never pick it up.

No. It happened all the time. And then they would call and they just like wouldn't pick up? Yeah. So, so. You gotta be such a piece of shit to have an animal and just leave it at a, but. But, but.

I'm gonna. I'll say the only thing that's more of a piece of shit is you like leave it outside or you let it. See, at least they were like, they're not gonna let it die. Yes. You know what I mean? That's what I was just gonna say.

That part of my brain kicked in where it goes, it's out of vets. Yeah. So they, like they paid for a week's what I was just going to say. That part of my brain kicked in where it goes, it's out of that. Yeah. So they like they paid for a week and then they just stopped paying and then, yeah. I mean, I don't know. I'm probably just cause I was abandoned by my father. Yeah. You just like wonder like it's just in its cage and it's like, you ain't coming back there. I thought you were in Hawaii.

I didn't know you were going to be there forever. What about that tower you bought me? I'm sorry. I fucked up the corner of your couch, but come on guys. Let's, let's talk it out. Did you ever have any pets that you got that were hand me downs that were like, I mean, that's like a present. You like come home from school and like, we got a new cat. Yeah. So, so we got a dog. So my brother's name is Sam.

And we inherited a dog named Sam. And that was, what did that do to your brother's psyche? Um, realized that everybody loved that dog a lot more, I'll tell you that much, because he listened. Like the amount of times my mom would be like, Sam, sit down. And the dog would sit, and my brother was like running around the kitchen table,

like a psycho. Yeah, no. That's so funny, the dog's like, I'm doing it. You didn't want to change the dog's name? It was so much older. Like it was probably like four years old. I think Sam was also four.

So we just had like these two Sams. One was a German Shepherd that listened, the other one was just a toddler. Oh, it was a big dog. I think Sam was also four. So we just had like these two Sams. One was a German Shepherd that listened. The other one was just a toddler. That was a big dog. Oh, it was a big dude. I couldn't walk it. I was just telling somebody the other day I would get dragged around my neighborhood

by this hundred pound dog. Yeah, it was a big dog. I loved it. He was, he bit everybody. Like he, that's actually was his demise is he bit a Girl Scout. And that was like his fourth offense. Yeah.

Fourth? Yeah, he bit a bunch of people. How weird do you offense. Yeah. Fourth? Yeah, he bit a bunch of people. How, where did he bite her on the forearm? Yeah, pretty bad. Like he, like her arm and she was, you know, she came. So this is the time where people came. You guys are a menace. A German Shepherd biting kids is a problem. But it was for us.

Like he was protecting. What was the Girl Scout doing? Breaking into your house? A little bit. She was, she, I'm, those cookie prices were high. Dude. No, no, no. You're giving a defense to a fucking, to a criminal.

He bit a girl, how old was she? She was young. She was with her grandma. She was probably like seven or something. And a German Shepherd? Yeah, I know. So this is what you have to know about that incident. My dad bought probably like $300 worth of like toys for this girl.

And then like another $300 worth of cookies. Yeah. But this is the payoff after she got bit. Yeah. And then he still had to put them down because it was like, it was like the fourth time. Yeah. And my parents are vets with two animal hospitals. Like, who else does she bite? She bit one of my brother,'s friends um she bit did they sue you no i mean like you you apologize like well i got bit by dogs by a friend's dog and my mom my mom took him to court no Trish can litigate dude you don't know what was her what was well

i do think you're responsible for your dog I fully believe that you're responsible like this sand will never smell right again Because a myrtle. Yeah Some people like myrtle She didn't bite you There was a when I was Five years old or six years old. I was at my friend's house and we were playing it was a snowstorm outside and we were playing was at my friend's house and we were playing, it was a snowstorm outside and we were playing GI Joes by the stairs and he had a half chow, half husky.

Chows are evil. Yeah, chows are really cute. Nobody talks about, everybody talks about how fucked up like pit bulls are. They're not, like unless you train it to be an asshole, they're not. Rottweilers, pit bulls, Dobermans, and then there's like chows.

Chows are like one of the meanest ones. They're looking for it. Yeah. So he was half chow, half husky. And he had, and in his defense, and this is the only defense I'll give you, that piece of shit, Smokey, he had a broken paw or an injured paw.

Yeah. And he was sleeping. He was an outside dog. They don't do that anymore. Yeah. But like, this is like an 80s shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where that dog. You could also have outdoor kids at that time. anymore. Yeah, no. But like, this is like an 80s shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could also have outdoor kids at that time.

Yeah, right? Oh, that's just my little brother. He lives in the backyard. Don't feed him. Yeah, oh my God, you made eye contact. I was gonna run at the door. But Smokey was outside, but they brought him in because it was a storm.

And he was leashed to a banister. One of the banisters that went downstairs, asleep. We were playing with our G.I. Joes. My friend got up to go get juice and stepped on his paw by accident and he was dead asleep, woke up, saw me, lurched, broke the bar, grabbed my face and death rolled me a couple times. No. Kept biting me. Okay, that's not the type of-

So if you can see right there, I have a scar right next to my eye. I think those are wrinkles, but sure. No, now they're crow's feet. Let me open my crow's feet, and you can see there's a scar right here next to my eye. The doctor said if it would have been, I think like a centimeter closer,

I would have lost my left eye. Holy shit. And he like bit me, he got me under here, like he did the dog like like that an alligator roll yeah he didn't do the full roll but he did a shake and then he like threw my head and the heating grate heating grates in Colorado or on the ground yeah or whatever my fucking jaw smacked the ground and then he kept biting me my friend's dad grabbed him open the back door and threw him outacked the ground and then he kept biting me. My friend's dad grabbed him, opened the back door and threw him out into the snow.

And then I remember them picking my head up and feeling the warmth of all the blood go down my head. And I got 46 stitches on my face that went like here all the way down. And my mom was like, we're going to court. Okay. My mom was like, we're going to court. Okay. My mom was like, we're going to court. And my mom made sure she didn't, she,

she made sure they had insurance. When my mom picked me up, she was like, do you have homeowners insurance? And my friend Justin's mom was like, yeah. She was like, great. I'm going to fuck them up in court. Yeah. Cause that's what-

And we got like $30,000. Oh. So thanks. Go Arizona. I got to go to Arizona. Cause the dog fucking ripped my face open. Okay. That's a completely different story. I mean, this was like,

I don't even think she had to go to the doctor. Oh no. I had to, my mom had, my mom worked at Aetna and she worked in like medical shit. So this is what we pay for. Well, she was like, she knew doctors and they called a doctor and they were like this Dr. Brady. I remember she's like, he's a great plastic surgeon

because they didn't know if they're going to be able like my face was going to look ugly. Did you look before this surgery? I was really gross. They're like, Hey, Hey, we're going to make you blessing and decide this guy. He's going to be on TV someday. Fresh start.

We're going to give this kid a decent face. But it was wild. It was like right before Christmas. I think it was like five days before Christmas. And I went- Dude, you had like a monkey almost like rip off your face experience. I wish my mom had the pic, but it was like, I might pimp, I'll ask my mom if she could find the picture

and then we could put it up under. But it was like fucked up. And then start a GoFundMe for like past you. You're like, give him a Christmas he deserves., but it was like fucked up. And then started to go fund me for like past you. You're like, give him a Christmas he deserves. This little boy has Christmas coming up. They go, it's July. It's not the 80? Yeah, that kid is a grown man now,

but it was, so they didn't put him down. My mom was like, you gotta put the dog down. That is wild because that is a crazy response to just being hurt. You know what I mean? Like that's not, that is a crazy response to just being hurt. You know what I mean? Like that's not a nice. I mean destroy and then. And I'm, you know, I'm pro animal.

You're pro animal. I couldn't be more pro animal, but yo, you just try to murder a kid's face. Three months later. No, again. Kid threw a ball in their backyard, jumped over the fence to get it. Dog bit the back

of their leg and like fucked their leg up and they were like, they got in like, suit again and then they had to put the dog down. That's when they put Smokey down. So rest in piss. Also how bad did you feel? Fuck Smokey. First of all, if I lost $30,000 to a dog. It wasn't insurance money. The premium went up. Bop bop bop, fuck Smokey. First of all, if I lost $30,000 to a dog, I'd be-

What is the insurance money? The premium went up. No shit, but it's still like, hey dude, you're not my best friend anymore. Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't have to tell you. I'll cut humans off if they're my best friend

and they cost me 30K. You know, like- Like, you're fucking out of here. That's wild. Yeah, I mean- He wasn't violent like that. He was protective and he snipped. So like friends-

Oh, so he did a little snip? Yeah, so people would like, their butts would get bit and they would be bruised or like this little girl, she was so tiny that he like pierced her arm. And like I don't even think she had to get stitches, but it's still veterinarians with a dog that's biting strangers and little girls. And it was like... You gotta do the thing to keep public image. My mom cried for months. Really? Months. So she liked Sam.

Everybody liked Sam. Everybody liked Sam more than Sam. Oh, Sam was the only one that was happy. He's like, you stupid fuck. He's like, I'm the greatest Sam now. I'm the only Sam. That little Girl Scout girl's like, yeah, Sam wasn't that bad.

She's got a nub. It's crazy. Just so you know, our entire garage was Girl Scout cookie. That was one of my favorite years of my life. Every kind, every kind. I'm telling you, I was I think it was I was 14 when it happened. I mean, one, I gained so much weight, I cannot even begin to tell you I had quit gymnastics and we had a garage full of Girl Scout cookies. And

we all are like sugar addicts in my family. But I mean, I think it was 1999. It was one of my favorite years because I was just like, I was like, Sam, I was like sad about the dog, but I was also like tragic eating really having tag alongs. You're like, he really crumbling. He's free. Sam, he loves peanut butter. And you're just eating the tag alongs. It's how hard was it? Your parents? I'm fascinated about this. We talked to Ronan about this, but veterinarians a lot of times struggle with,

they have a form of PTSD for putting animals down. Because you're around so much sadness when someone's dog gets put down. So two things. First of all, is Ronan's parents veterinarians? No, we were just talking about some dark shit. Oh, I was gonna say. We just got into it. I don't know, Ron and I had a bonkers episode.

It's fucking all over the place. Do I have to call Ron on to make sure he's okay? We had a fucking convo, but it went to a lot of really dark places. Well, this might go the same way. Oh, no, I'm here for it. So both my parents had a lot of death when they were younger.

Shout out. Yeah, a lot of death, a lot of suicide. So I think truly the fact both my parents had a lot of death when they were younger shout out Yeah, a lot of a lot of death a lot of suicide So I think truly the fact that my parents had a really dark sad upbringing and then clearly a lot of empathy I think comes from you know the mental illness in my family and and the the death that happened and I think it kind of numbs you a little bit and we are really dark fit you would love my mom I love that you would love my mom. I love that. You would love my mom. I do love my mom made dead baby jokes my entire childhood and she would always say like I'm going to hell.

She stopped saying it after a while but I do. I will say I do not want to vet cracking jokes when they're putting my dog down. She's not. She's not. She goes hey huh. Hey. Guess you're gonna have to wake up the walker tomorrow. You go I don't need to hear that right now. I'm weeping. No, and so my parents love animals, genuinely love animals, probably more than people. I think that makes a veterinarian as well. But I think the fact that they were used to death and then it became something that was a part of life.

But like, we're gross. Like my mom used to make dinner with blood all over her scrubs. That's wild. But we live next to a cat clinic. Like you have to understand, my mom had five kids. She was running her own cat clinic. She was a vet five days a week.

She's taking care of so many. There's gonna be some blood in the casserole. I don't know what to tell you. That's so funny. You know, by the way, cat blood makes a casserole zip. Yeah, if you wanna know the secret recipe for my family. Mom, what is this? Is this hamburger helper and tabby blood?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's like, oh yeah, we got a lot of it. Yeah, the hair is actually what gives it the texture. But it's like, I always think about how sad it was putting down, we had a dog, my mom got us a second dog for my old dog Izzy. He was like an old dog and she was like, if we get a younger dog, it'll make him like energetic.

And it did. But then he had hip dysplasia and we put him down. So then we got a puppy and we had Bob in Montana. Great names. Great. And Bob was a rescue. I don't think any Bob's just come out of a young dog. A Bob's and Sam's. You're saving it.

If there's three letter dude names, if you get a Tom or a Bob or a Sam as a dog, they're a rescue. But my friend Nick was going through, my stepdad built like a gate in my back fence, which was basically just like a huge shortcut to school. So my friends could come on the side of my house and go through the back gate if they were going to school instead of walking could come on the side of my house and go through the back gate

if they were going to school instead of walking all the way around. And it was winter and my friend had one of those snow masks on his face and Bob freaked out and snapped at him. But he had tried to attack another one of my friends earlier. My mom was like, he's aggressive. Yeah. And so we had to put him down. And one of the most sad I've ever been in my life was and I found out later and

Your parents probably know this when you put a dog down and you have another dog You have to take the other dog with you so that they know the other dog died and they can like smell the death Because we my mom put Bob in the car to take him to the vet to put him down and my dog Montana Freaked out. He was just just running up and down the hallway crying and I was like a little kid, I was like, Montana stop! And he was like, ah! Cause he fucking knew.

He knew his friend was about to go get, they knew, it was so sad. And I was like, damn, I didn't know that you have to bring the dog, what I found out later is that you're supposed to bring the dog with the other dog to be like, they're dead. So that they can smell him and be like yeah and probably

a form of like mourning as well like we say that animals are like smart and empathetic and stuff but like we are also like it's dead you're fine here's some kibble and yeah like hey man like that's not my buddy yeah dude it's like if you only lived with one other human and then they just shot it in the head you like hey I didn't even like it. He's a bad roommate, but that was like the only person I talked to. But he understood me when I wind. He knew what I was saying.

And then it's like, get over it. Here's a PlayStation. You go, I don't want to play PlayStation right now. She's trying to play fetch with Montana in the backyard. He's like, dude, Bob's dead. It's fine. Yeah. with Montana in the backyard. He's like, dude, Bob's dead. It's fine. Yeah. Don't bite my friends.

Yeah, well, maybe Bob shouldn't have popped off with the mouth when Nick came through. But I think it's interesting that being around so many animals and they're coming and going, but you're also watching people abandon animals. I mean, I get it as well, cause it's money, right? And think about even right now now with like inflate, like everybody got these pets during the pandemic.

I was just gonna bring this up. And then they're like, well, I don't like, my life is normal. I don't have to have just a furry best friend. And then inflation happens, things are harder. And all of a sudden people are like, these cans are kind of expensive. You know what I mean?

And oh, when I go to the vet, it's a hundred dollars. And you're just like, it's wild to see how we had like empty, you know, shelters. You could not foster a dog during COVID. And now people are abandoning their pets left and right. And I mean, I feel like it's, I think there's exceptions and issues and blah, blah, blah. Sure.

I know how life is, but like me and Adrian Apolouchi talk about it all the time where somebody will Get a dog and then they'll drop it off and somebody's like, oh, why can't you take care of it? And they're like, oh we're moving and you're like, yeah, man bring them with you. Like what are you talking about? No, this dog only likes the air here. Yeah, you're just like they don't what are they gonna get? Where are they gonna get bagels? No, we gotta leave they only like New York bagels I always find that interesting because it shows the selfishness of a person

where it's like, it's a truly selfish act to go, I want a dog for the companionship. You get a dog, but then when it becomes too much, that's why people having kids, you should have to have an animal first. For sure. And then be like, you know what? You're a pretty good pet owner.

Let them nut in you. Yeah. You know what I mean? All right, you guys can do it. Like let them fucking blast off in you. And also like, I think the problem with- Time to talk, perfect jean. I love these things, dude.

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How I see people raising kids is that they they use them as an extension of themselves as opposed to watching a kid Express who they are and nurturing who they are Yes, you want them to have good morals and be good people and you know They got to go to school and blah blah blah But at the end of the day they're not you and when you notice that you have to be like, hey, you know, maybe fucking do your dishes. But also if you want to dance in the middle of streets, go dance in the middle of streets, just look both ways.

And I feel like a dog or a cat is the beginning of that. Yeah. My cat knows he knows his name. Both of them know their name. I know they do because I'll be like lunchbox who looks over. And if it's not food in my hand, he goes back the other way He does not give a fuck but like you have to be like that's lunchbox. That's ghost. This is yeah but I think with kids it's easy for us when you don't have them to go like and you just gotta do this and they're like Motherfucker have any idea cuz I mean I've raised my little brothers

Yeah At this point have changed more diapers than most of my friends with kids that I know it's not the same because I just like watch my friends now that have had like multiple kids and they're like what are you complaining about? And you're like yeah I'm gonna shut the fuck up my dog doesn't listen sometimes so what you can't put your kid in the kennel and go like you can you go to prison. Sometimes they leave them in there too long. We find out those families that have them in the basements

were like, damn you really kenneled up your kid. Dude, did you see that article about a woman that was like one of those like mom vloggers that would like tell you how to be, do you remember this? Okay, so it came out a couple months ago, this woman was like literally like, this is what you do to raise your kids. She was like keeping them in cages.

She was literally beating the shit out of her son and daughter. There's a documentary on something. I'm sure she's not the only one. This one was like a mom vlogger. They did this. Having like the perfect family. There was a series done on Who or something that Katie watched about these influencers

and about how they were all like basically phonies. He actually just got a court case here in New York where he had like, he's going to prison because he like stole six million dollars and was one of those videos where he's giving it to people online and people are like, I can't pay rent. He's like, here's $50,000, may God praise you. And it turned out he's just scamming someone else. He was just robbing Peter to pay Paul. But one of the videos was about this YouTube channel

of these kid videos that were really popular. And the mom was making a ton of money off adventures and doing animations with it. And the kids would go like, oh no, the monster's coming. They played it, it looked fun. Turned out she was just wildly abusive. And making these kids, basically she was stage moming them,

but not feeding them and abusing them when they wouldn't perform right. And you're like, yeah, that's fucking wild. I am fascinated with that, with the people that, there's nothing more. They want the credit for having this perfect life and this perfect family while doing truly the most desp there's nothing more. They want the credit for having this perfect life, this perfect family while doing like truly

the most despicable things. Exactly. And I think there's a lot of that where you're like, oh, you watch a family like that and regular people are going like, well, look at this life. These people got it. You have no idea.

Oh, and a lot of them are like Christian. You know what I mean? So they're just like, Jesus. Well, if you can hide it behind something, it's easy to go like, we are perfect. And then you're like, nobody's perfect. I just, I mean, it's funny as two performers that like put our stuff out there.

I mean, the last thing I wanna do is pretend I'm perfect. Like I- Dude, I suck. I'm pretty sure everyone knows that I suck. And that's why when everyone online goes, you suck, I go, brother. I know. You just wanna be like, nobody hates me more than I hate myself.

You cannot. But I think there are people that say that in general, in all walks of life, that are using that to get out of any criticism. Where they go like, I hate myself. And then you go, no, you don't. When you're friends with those people and they do shit where you're like, now you're self-serving.

You're self-serving in a big way. For sure. I mean, I think there's, hey, I'm a fuck up so I can't fix anything. There's that person where you're just- Some of those people are, man, those people drive me nuts. The people that go like, I'm a fuck up.

What do you want me to do? It's like, try. Learn, nuts. The people that go like, I'm a fuck up. What do you want me to do? It's like, try. Learn. Try to get better. Why is it just that you just have to be like, oh well. Dude, I mean, I'm the queen of like Instagram quotes. I love a good Instagram quote. But honestly, this one, shut up.

This one, I'll fight you. Okay. This one is the best one. Cause I'm sure it came from something real, but it basically is an apology without change is manipulation. Oh, that was my dad. Dude, it was like 18 people that are that. My dad would be like, Hey, I missed your birthday. Sorry, buddy. Next year is going to be nuts. And then next year he goes June again.

Every year. And so you're getting older every year. I mean, when you grow up, are you a Gemini? What year are mean when you go up, I'm a cancer Um, I'm the 11th 11th when you grow up with family members like that I think you grow up a little or you as an adult you're a little Angrier about it for sure about apologies with people that don't follow up on it Of course because I mean I as somebody like as somebody from a big family, it was always like, say sorry to your sister. And it's like, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry. I'm sorry, I fucking, sorry I made that German Shepherd bite your friend and now we have to kill him. But like, I don't know. I came from a family that either didn't apologize or when they did apologize, it didn't change anything. And I think as I got older,

I had a lot of shame with even apologizing to begin with. And I think honestly, most of therapy was being like, it's a sorry and then a fix it. And also fixing takes a while. So it's also like that, like, Hey, like, give me some grace, but I'm working towards it. Like, but like, I have very little patience for people with surface sorries. Or really- Can you sense it easier than- Oh, 100%. Yeah.

100%. Also it's habits. I mean, we're in this weird situation where we don't have an office, right? We don't see the same- God, I would love an HR in comedy. Right? I know that might give me cattle prodded,

but I would love an HR in comedy. But like- Just to report people. Even. This guy stinks. But even though we don't have an office, we kind of do have a community. Sure.

And a word of mouth. Yeah, but what the bad part of that is is that this is a business. Egos are attached to it as well. Also, people want to succeed. So there's like a different thing of like, it's exactly what we're talking about with the robots where they slide a number across the desk and they go, do they suck?

And you go, no, not for that money. And it sucks. It's phony. The entertainment business is so filled with phonies that it's a lot of apologies without any change. I know a lot of people, some of them I'm friends with, that just go like, they fuck up and they go, oh, sorry, and you're like, yeah, we don't mean that. That's why the people that I really love are the people that when they do fuck up, they go like, hey man, that was my bad.

And then you see them actually try to change. Like I was very lucky that my mom was like that. My dad was all apologies, no changes. My mom would legitimately be like, hey, my bad. And then explain to me, like, I didn't see it from that angle, I saw it from this angle. And you're like, oh, cool. You're at least, we're working through it.

I've almost, how do I say this? Like the pre-apology, they're like, I'm probably gonna fuck up and I'm gonna try not to but This is where I am. Like I am Not great when I'm tired. Like I am I'm jet-lagged right now. Like I just got back from Europe a week ago I'm I'm still lasting I'm burnt out So it's like burnt out from touring and I'm jet-lagged and I I mean if I didn't have if I didn't headline on Sunday And have a spot on Wednesday, I'd still be going to bed at 7.30.

Like I was, and I'm like a mess. But like when I'm tired, I'm not texting people back. I'm very dyslexic, so like my emails start to read like truly like jumbled. Word puzzles? Yes. You go, what kind of Dan Brown shit is this? Insane.

The Da Vinci Code. I was wondering where you wanted to go dinner on your birthday. But like my capacity to listen, like I'm not the best listener in general, let alone when I'm tired. So it's a lot of like, am I about to go on tour or I just got back from tour. It's a blanket like, Hey, I need a second. I'm not great right now. I'm not going to if you really need me, you're going to have to ping me four times. Like I can, I've now take accountability for bad habits,

but also just who I am as a person. And there's things I can change. But there's also things where I can set a standard. Because if I'm never going to change, right, if I'm if I'm if, if this is too much of who I am, I can at least let you know, like, like a good example is text messages, at least you can save them as a new now on iPhones, but for a while you couldn't. So if I read a text message and I was heading over here to do this podcast, it's gone. It's gone. And a week goes by and somebody is just like, Hey,

are you coming to my wedding? And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I think that's a great way of phrasing it because I think more people need to start doing that of being like, Hey, here's kind of my blind spots. Because I'm, I take, and I had a joke for it for a while, I take unanswered texts so personally that I'm like, oh, okay, oh, okay. So we're just not fucking friends anymore. We just don't hang out.

And what's interesting is like, I get excited. I'm very excitable. I get very, very excited. Especially in these situations on mic or being funny. Like being funny to me gets me very excited because I like doing it. And fans of this podcast will tell you, I cut motherfuckers off like a 16 year old girl

that just got her license. Like I'm just like, ah, ah, ah. I just love, if I have an idea, I'm like, I got an idea. And I have been putting so much effort into being like, sit, stay. But I'm like, like the way a dog is like, I want to do a voice. And it's it is like, I think. But I've been saying that, like with old episodes, when we're airing them,

people are like, Jesus, Soder, let him fucking finish the sentence. And I go, I know, I do it so much. Or I wanna talk about comedy so much that I'm like, I get it. It's obnoxious. But like you understanding what the text message is, if you tell your friends that,

and you tell the people around you, or just anybody, they go like, the sign that you're aware of it I think makes people forgive you if it's not a fake apology. If it's like oh you genuinely know you do that. For sure like I have a fish brain like it's in and out like I truly cannot hold on to information to the point where like I still have a paper calendar because having a paper calendar and physically writing it down actually helps me. That's how Katie, when you walk out our hallway,

there's a calendar on our wall because Katie's like, and she had to tell me, she goes, And I have to look at it. And she goes, put it on the calendar. And I was always like, whatever. Cause like I'll know shit like dates and be like, yeah, 2 p.m. we're supposed to do this. And she'll be like, I don't know.

Yeah. And I used to be like, how do you not remember? And she's like, yeah, 2 p.m. we're supposed to do this. And she'll be like, I don't know. Yeah. And I used to be like, how do you not remember? She's like, put it on the calendar. And it's crazy because I'll sit down with my calendar and write it on that. How good she is at it after I do that. She's like, oh, yeah, it's on the calendar. Yeah. I am the same way. So comics will ask for like a contact or advice. They'll be like, hey, I'm going to Europe. Do you have anybody for London?

And, you know, our days are crazy. I'm trying to I'm like trying to pack, you know, book a flight, you know, make sure my cats aren't dead. Like I'm doing too much at once. And I'll be like, hey, absolutely. I'll get it to you probably by Wednesday email. So put this in the subject because, you know, be like on Instagram or I'll be like and just say London

contacts and just take what you put me in Instagram, put it in the body and email, I'll get to it. Like email is a great save is new. Anything that's bold, I know I have to get to that week. Like I know my system, but what's funny about it is cause I like helping people. I genuinely do. I wouldn't be where I am if people didn't help me.

I am off and I don't care if you're funny or not, by the way, like I am happy. I do. I don't care cause first of all, you don't know. I really care if you're funny. I know, but this is how I feel. How long did it take you to get funny, though? Do you feel like you were funny right away?

I feel like you can feel the, it's like playing catch with someone throwing a baseball, you can feel if they've got pop or not. Yeah, but there's some people that actually will fucking surprise you. Oh, sure, listen, I'm not saying I'm right. I'm saying I could be very wrong about this. And as somebody that's been written off most of their career, I have a soft spot that like, hey, if you're gonna if you're passionate and you're gonna try hard, who am I to get in the way?

That's a great outlook. I mean, I mean, I might not. I want you to be funny. I want them to be funny too. I genuinely do. I get what you're saying. And some because sometimes there's people that I think are funny that no one else does. And you're like, they're funny.. I get what you're saying. And some, cause sometimes there's people that I think are funny that no one else does and you're like, they're funny. And it's what you're saying. It's like they just haven't been given a fair chance.

And it sucks cause this business is filled with brilliant people that are overlooked. This would be a cattle prod. Hey guys, let's take a minute to talk about being an adult. It's got its high points. You can eat ice cream for dinner anytime. I've done it, but it's not all fun. You also have to do taxes and figure out what's for dinner every night.

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I thought it was like don't you fucking kill me. All your fans are like killer! No not you. I'm the one that's gonna fucking kill me. All your fans are like, kill her, kill her. No, not you. I'm the one that's going to be the product. I'm going to be able to conduct electricity. All that to be said, if anybody wants a favor in any situation, I'm happy to do it. Moving?

But it has to, it depends. It's always the one. You know, what about how they move it? I'm pretty strong. When are you moving? What do you need moved? I old? I'm pretty strong. When are you moving? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And what do you need moved? I've actually moved too many people. But that being said, if you care about it,

it's your responsibility to keep on me. That's a good way to look at it. It's not my responsibility. You know what I mean? Because I only have to take care of myself. You only have to take care of yourself. Now I have to take care of you and your. So I kind of go, hey, if I don't get back to you,

email me this way. And if I don't get back to you, remind me. But, and if I don't get back to you, remind me. But the amount of people that never send that initial email or don't remind me. And sometimes I get to it before they remind me. But now it's like, Hey, we're all busy. I'm happy to help. These are my stipulations to show up for you. And it was like, I read it. Honestly, I read it in a book. I thought you were saying Instagram and I was going to walk off. You're like,

that's my cattle prod. I believe it was Sarah that said, said, look into yourself and read the, read the rocks. No, but you know what? I mean, that is something that's helpful for a person like me because I will ask for help and then no one will get back to me and I'll feel like, well, I already asked.

Now they know that I need the help, they don't wanna help, but sometimes a person like you explaining that, it's good to be like, oh, there's nothing wrong with a follow-up. Absolutely, there's nothing wrong with a follow-up and also like, here's a good example. I asked to be on, we'll say a co-workers podcast.

I wouldn't say friend. I asked to be on a co-workers podcast. And when I went to go ask, I realized I asked last year and they didn't get back to me. They seen it and they didn't get back to me. And this and it hurt. It hurts. I'm not going to pretend it doesn't hurt. But I went like this. I go, hey, I see that you didn't get back to me last time. I don't know if it's because you're busy or you don't think I'm right for the podcast. How about you just let me know if you don't think I'm right and I'll never ask again.

I don't want to be bothersome and I understand I'm not right for everyone's situation. And he got back to me and he goes, we're going to pass. And I was like, you know what, did it hurt my feelings? Sure. But I actually respected that he got back to me, so now I never have to. And I've said this too, there was a- I've had that happen where you're like, ask to, you're like,

cause it, getting up the confidence to ask for something, especially in this business, sometimes you're like, ah, do I feel pathetic? And then you're like, hey, I'd love to come on this or whatever and they go hey no and you go okay well I'll see you friend I'll see you soon keep killing him keep killing it brother yeah but it sucks but this is how I feel I've been in this business for so long I do go out of my way to help people and I don't feel weird asking when I know I pay it forward

and I pay it back. But I do know that we're in a weird business where egos are involved and people are getting inundated. But I feel like that's every single human being. Like I think a lot of comics, we do this thing where we're like only in comedy. But I think that's in like every form of business. You're human, so the ego's attached to humans.

So whether you're in real estate, whether you're a lawyer, I feel like there's a lot to be said about asking for help in general. Is, you know, as someone that's quit drinking and also had problems with substances, it's like asking for help sometimes when you need help getting off something

is that same feeling. It's that same feeling of like, ah, fuck, I don't wanna bother them. But you don't realize like a lot of people are more willing to help you if you kind of stand up for yourself and go like, hey, I kinda need help with this. For sure.

And I think I learned a lot of that as somebody, like I, you know, mental illness runs in my family. I definitely have depressive episodes I just had one recently and it's like the ability to tell people like hey, I'm not ignoring you. I'm not okay Yeah, and and to I if you're willing to hear me cry. I'm willing to talk today You know on the phone because I got a good one like I I can be somebody that pulls back and avoids people. And like I've only been with my boyfriend for 10 months. And like I haven't had a depressive episode in two years,

let alone anything while we've been together. And I had to be like, hey, Fun Liz is dead. Yeah, by the way, buddy, guess you showed back up. Oh, you get to meet her. There's a lot of my friends that I think, that I know really well that I wish would do that more. I have a lot of friends that I wish would just kind of be like,

yo man, I'm going through it and I need, because when you hear them unload, you're like, huh? You can like hear it in their voice. And they're like, thanks man. You're like, yeah, I'm gonna need it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't you worry. Especially, I mean.

I will reach out. And I think that's like the, like I'm so fortunate. Like I have friends that I've had for 20, 30 years. I have friends that have been through every high and low. And I've never hesitated. I had a friend yesterday that was like, hey, I'm spinning, I'm in crazy town. Can you help me get out of it? I'm like give me five minutes let's

fucking get on the phone. Yeah you really feel bad for people you know when you have a friend that's going through either something you know light or something really heavy you feel bad when you see them not reach out cuz you go like yeah you can't. It's like seeing someone try to open a door holding a lot of stuff. Where you go hey I can open a door holding a lot of stuff. Where you go, hey, I can open the door for you. And they go like, I got it. And they're like trying to clip it with their knees.

And they're like, I got it. I see people in the elevator all the time, but they're like, and you just want to go, what floor do you want me to hit? No, like, thanks. That's all, sometimes all people need is just like, hey, I can get there. Just hit 13 or 14.

You don't even have to tell me anything. We could sit on the couch and watch trash TV together. If that's what you do. I just want to do that all the time. You don't even have to tell me things. We can sit on the couch and watch trash TV together. That's the best. I just want to do that all the time. I don't need that as like a therapy. You want to go judge people? I'll do that with you. I'll do that with you bud.

So fun, sending clips of shitty stuff to each other. It's the best, but also that's why we like animals so much. Cause animals like, yeah, you're just like, I need, that's why I feel bad because sometimes I'll come home and Myrtle will be like where the fuck were you I got so much to do and I'm like not right now I need to do this and she did that today. I wanted to tell you about my day and you're just gonna walk away? I swear to God that happened now that I came in and there was this bird outside the window it was crazy.

I went out and walked with mom and I gave her a poop. And that's when I came home. I think she took a picture. Mom, mom, mom. And she, I swear to God, this just happened this morning. I came home and Myrtle was like, where the fuck were you? Because I had to go do stuff this morning. And I was like, trying to talk to Katie.

I was like, Myrtle, all right, all right. And then when I was done talking to Katie, I was like, where the fuck is Myrtle? And she was in her kennel and she was like, no, we're good. No, it's fine. I had some pretty cool smells this morning I wanted to tell you about.

Honestly, I told my fans about it. I don't even need you. It's fine. I licked my butt and I thought about it. But that's why I do love animals. Cause you're just, there's just like this thing of like, they, you see how much they need you. Yeah.

And that is a gratifying feeling. I honestly, like some of my worst days is just like, my cats are really fat. Yeah, yes. And I actually have always wanted a fat cat, but I do need to like take it down. No, fat cats rule, still agile. It's pretty cool.

Man, I've never had two cats before. I really leaned into being a cat lady in the last year, but like they greet me. I actually, if I'd want to get stuff done, I can't sit down. Because as soon as I sit down, they're both in my lap. And then it's like, you know the rules, you can't let them, once they sit there, it's until they decide to leave.

So it's actually one of those things where like, I'll like take off my makeup, I'll get ready for bed, and then I'll sit on the couch, and then I just have these two fur balls, and I'm like, this is, I don't understand how people don't have animals. Like this is like my favorite feeling. You know, this is where I play video games, where I run this couch, and I'm like, this is, I don't understand how people don't have animals. Like this is like my favorite feeling. You know, this is where I play video games

wherever on this couch and I'll be sitting here and Myrtle loves this right here so she can look out the window. And sometimes we'll be playing video games and she'll be like, hey, what are you doing? And you're like, I'm trying to play video games. Hi, and then she'll do a thing when I don't pay attention where she goes, look out the window and I don't pay attention, where she goes, ah,

until this look out the window, and I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, are you not getting enough? And you're like, that makes sense. So I remember being a little kid, and my mom was like, I had a full day at work,

and you're like, I learned how to do a laser noise. I kind of wish you would have fucking listened to me do my lasers. Honestly, if we could do laser noise together for five minutes, I'll leave you alone. You have always been one of my favorite people to bump into, to watch, to stand up.

You are fucking hilarious. Your YouTube special is back up, baby. Back up. Back up, go watch it. YouTube tried to take her down, but Liz kept fighting. I'm a pothead and I have resin around my brain, so the name escapes me. Murder sheets. Murder sheets. Go watch Murder Sheets on YouTube right now. is, kept fighting. I'm a pothead and I have resin around my brain so the name escapes me.

Murder Sheets. Murder Sheets. Go watch Murder Sheets on YouTube right now. You can click on it. We'll put the link in the video. Pimp always nails it. you