Soder - 43: Ultimate Pleasure with Greg Stone | Soder Podcast | EP 43

Episode Date: September 4, 2024

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Do you know how stupid I am with technology? Specifically, I mean, I'm stupid on a lot of shit, but technology, it is ridiculous how dumb I am. Let me say this, because I hate the words. I hate that. I know we're not on yet, but I like to have a clear sleep enough where we do it. This is why I hate the, I know you say I hate stupid

about technology. It's like, no, anything you look at, you'll get, but it's not a fucking priority and I don't want it to be a priority. I don't want to get good at that shit because it just takes too much time now. I'd rather pay somebody. I'd rather say, here, you do this. But I feel like, counter argument. I don't want that. Argue it.

Devil's advocate. I feel like that's what we're doing with everything so now we're not good at anything. Yes. Like we're just like, they're making like a, like task rabbits and all that stuff where you go like, Oh, can you assemble this for me? You know? And then you're like, Oh, well you.

You beg my wife for me. Yeah. I mean, we're close to there. We're close to there. Come on, make my wife come. Listen, man, I'm tired. I got a long day. Just pay some money. We're close to there. Come here. Make my wife come. Listen man, I'm tired. I got a long day. Just pay some money.

You come in. Yeah. But to what you're saying. Don't come in her. I don't mind. I don't mind if she likes it. No, but to that point though, is that I started getting really good

at so many different things. And when I put out my last special, I went, or I'll say this, like I'm proud of it. Yeah. I'm proud of it. Sure. But I watched it and I went, it's the first time I've ever been able to watch something and go, hey, I'm proud of it. Yeah, I'm proud of it. Sure, but I watched it I went it's the first time I've ever been able to watch something and go hey I'm proud of this but I did see as like I know how to make it better

Yeah, and I could make it better by not learning how to use technology not Spending all my time other bullshit means writing jokes and doing stand-up time like definitely being like Yeah, like just if I give a hundred percent into one thing, I am. I am under the mindset of I enjoy doing this podcast, but it serves as a purpose to promote my gigs once I can get a large enough audience where I can just do stand up. That is all I want to do. Yeah, I love. I love this. Thank you for watching. I appreciate it. Yeah. Shout out all the sponsors for

buying Myrtle her food. But I think we're at a time now where everyone is, and I'm speaking about myself too, oversaturated where people can watch too much of you. And it takes the effect away of doing one thing, you know, like musicians, and it takes the effect away of doing one thing. You know, like musicians, they get to go do music and then tour, and you're like, I'm very jealous of that. I would love to go make an album

and then just go tour with it, and that's what you see. You know where I started to realize how people feel about comedians is I started feeling this way with athletes. I started feeling like too many athletes have podcasts. It was great when one athlete had a podcast, but now you're like, all right. Right.

Like, all right, the media covers you guys. There's coverage of you. Lil Wayne has a podcast. No, he doesn't. He does, and how do I not even know that Lil Wayne has a podcast? That's how many fucking podcasts there are. You're telling me Lil Weezy's got a podcast?

Yeah. Yeah, man. I wanna stop right now and do a little read about Sherry's berries. I love Sherry berries and they are quite contrary. He's just like, this is fucking ripping a verse. Yeah. This is Gray's Rapper Alive, but it's. Wait.

Are you a Lil Wayne fan? Huge Lil Wayne fan. I just got into Lil Wayne three days ago. Listen, sign up for the subreddit. Get on there. as two whites. You can't be loud about it. All right. But let Tanuchi cook. I'm excited for the Carter six. Dude, I was, cause I like, uh, I, I, I, I, I'm a very specific rap taste. Yeah. Very into very specific rap. We look like two guys that work at a record label.

It looked like we're like, and let me tell you right now, the streets are saying this is fresh, but I, I, I'm not, uh, I'm not, I'm not a shitty about music. I, I'm not like pretentious. I just go, you like it. Then you get into it. I like what I like, but I always say there might be a time where I'll like the thing you like. Like sometimes I'll listen to Creed because sometimes wrestling in the 90s made me love Creed.

Dude, I absolutely understand that. You know what I mean? I think there's a moment to listen to Korn. Yes, absolutely. I played Rocket League and Korn's blinds come on and it's wanting to make me run through a wall. Yeah, dude. I'm excited.

I think what's interesting is like there's so much music out there. It's going to be interesting to watch rock and roll rock get cool again, because it's out. Right. Like young people are like, fuck rock. I don't listen to rock, but you're like, there's still great rock music being made. It's just not popular where I need good. And you know, I'm always going to pump them. Sure.

Pump it baby. Times new Roman pumping and pump me is unbelievable. And times new Romans, like one of the best albums. And I'm obviously I'm partial. They're my favorite band of all time, but there's like a lot of tick tock does do that with music. Yeah. I think what's opposite about comedy on tick tocks. Like some people on, some people's comedy pops on TikTok. And you're like, well, they're new. They don't really have a lot, but some bands pop.

And you're like, well, that's great for them. Cause now they can sell tickets. Well, I'll tell you this, this Kendrick Lamar, I don't follow mainstream rap a lot. Yeah. But Anthony got me into. Yeah. Everyone started breaking it down. Drake and Kendrick Lamar. That's such a crossover event that that is kind of like,

that's like when there's a massive boxing match and people get into it. And then boxing fans are a little resentful because you're like, well, there's a lot like Jake Paul versus Mike Tyson is very cool, but there's a lot better boxing going on. The same thing with comedy. It's the same thing with everything. Yeah. Comedy, you know, this headline, you know, it's, it's so, it's funny how gay we get about comedy where you're like, you didn't even know about David Teller, Colin Corian, you knew about but it's like, there's a magnet.

They bring the other people and I always said this. I always said that we wouldn't have Louie if we didn't have Dane Cook and people shit on Dane Cook. That's a good point. I mean, well, Dane Cooper, a lot of people have Louie. I just don't think we would have Louie the way we know him. I think Dane brought a lot of comedy fans in, and then they went, I want more.

I want, I don't want to say better, but I want different. And then they were like, oh, and then Louie kind of happened because Louie was like that purest version of comedy. So they were going like, Dane stole from Louie. I didn't like, I don't know. It sucks when I get the hiccups on this podcast. That's like when my dog gets too excited. Oh, right. But this sorry, sorry. No, the ADHD will pop me back on

things. But the Kendrick Lamar Drake thing, Anthony got me into it. And I was starting to be like, man, I do kind of want to shit on comedians I don't respect. And I don't think I'll ever be that but I wish we had a fucking rose battling. Yeah, but it was fucking bullshit. Sorry. You just want to, you just want to openly talk. I just want to be like, guys, this shit is fake. Fuck this guy. Start a fight with this hundred million tick tock guy. But I think the better way to do that is just go get better at something.

I think there's a lot to be said about like when you see something you don't like, it's a right answer. I don't know. I just came from a therapy session. So I'm coming in real balance. But like take for instance this. Some real dad shit right there. You're a huge comic book guy. Yeah. You're like, I would go to you about comics the way you would come to me about wrestling.

Like there's just like, we're both true fans of it. Sure. Like there's a fandom. But Marvel movies, while you enjoy them, brought in a lot of people that didn't give a shit about comics. They didn't know that Civil War, that's not the real Civil War story. They don't know about Planet Hulk.

But then they watch Thor, and they go, oh, Hulk's like in a, he's like a gladiator. And you go, you should read Planet Hulk. And you just slide him over a little trade paper bag. That's what it is. And you go check that shit out's like in a, he's like a gladiator, and you go, you should replant a Hulk. And he has a son. And you just slide him over a little trade paper bag. That's what it is. That's what it is. And I think as anybody in anything needs to realize that you might not

like how people hear about it, but if they get to you, that's the benefit. Sure. Like X-Men 97 is a great thing that if you're a fan of comics It's great. Yeah, no matter what and it's getting people into it That would have that maybe haven't watched or cared about Marvel or the X-Men since 97 since it was on Fox and it's getting them to see See for me. It's like it's all about comic book movies and getting as close to

Comic books as possible sure because comic movies were always so like oh do a 10 about comic book movies and getting as close to comic books as possible. Sure. Because comic movies were always so like, Oh, do a 10% comic book movie. Yeah. And now we're getting closer to 70 80. It's like, it's like that blue meth. Yeah. And 97 was like Heisenberg fucking meth. I was like, yo, this is kind of what we wanted the whole time. And what's great about that is spoiler alert. If you have not watched X-Men 97 skip ahead a minute and there will be no spoilers. I promise you. I'm gonna wait a minute and then be like Wolverine died. Well at the end of episode 9 Magneto tearing the skeleton out of Wolverine is something that was such an iconic

moment for comic book fans. Right. That when they put that in the show, welcome back. Yeah. You were like I didn't know they were gonna you were like right now I know where they're going I didn't know they're gonna do that and that was like a very cool moment right I skipped two seconds real quick but like I know he doesn't die there but there are a lot of people who are like just Wolverine dead and like no no no the rib the metal out and I have bone claws and at the end yeah, which leads to old man Logan. And we really like it. There's a lot of good shit.

Right. I think people just expect people want everything is so. Curtailed to the consumer now that everybody wants it their way, the step of the way where you go, sometimes it's off the way you want it, but it lands where you wanted it. Right. So you just got to be cool with that So this guy these tick-tock people that you want to talk shit about you might hate them, but They might end up on you

Because of that guy right right right like Louie probably hated that once he was going through the Dane Stealing jokes thing right, but then he's he's a god. He's on Mount Rushmore But I don't hate the tick-tock guys for being a tick-tock guys There's a specific tick-tock guy who kind of stole an idea I had like I watched him steal the idea Like I talked about this idea I had and I watched him go and then he did it on his podcast And then I went hilarious that you're doing this thing as a podcast and you know him and I know him and I watched him Go. Oh, that's a great idea. And then he asked me to do the podcast as a way of kind of being like,

oh, like you're part of this, but then I couldn't do it. I'm like, oh, that was your way. You've never talked to me. Now you asked me to do this and you ripped the idea from me. So now I want to- I mean, everyone watching and myself included wants names.

Now I want to- Oh, shit. Fuck it, listen. I should have been more supportive of the Kendrick Drake idea. I put it on wax, dude, put them on wax is I even weren't. It's not even a big deal, but then I and I was I was on a road trip and someone was like, oh no, that guy's like notorious for stealing ideas and I didn't know and it's like he's like an all business guy, bleeped the name and bleep the name and say it right now to me. You can and then he did

that on his podcast because, and I was like, he went and he just did like a, like a five episode. I don't know. I didn't listen to it. So that's why I'm feeling a little shitty cause maybe he didn't do it, but I'm like 99% sure. Someone told me it's like, oh no, he did that on his podcast. And he asked me to be on it.

And I'm pretty sure that's why. But it was just like him talking to people about, that would make me, Oh man. Right. That's what we want to Kendrick Lamar him. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Yeah, but I'll just get better at comedy. Am I your future, who am I?

Trying to think who I am on this beef. I go, well. Can you just be my Lil Wayne? Yeah. I don't care if he's not even involved. Well, no, he didn't fuck my girl and if he did, I'll kill him. He'll get to have to get a tattoo on his arm and I'll fucking murder him. Let me tell you this, someone'll kill him. He'll have to get a tattoo on his arm and I'll fucking murder him. Let me tell you this.

Someone fucks my girl. Lil Wayne fucks my girl. My girl doesn't leave. She stays with me. I want to have applause. Well, you got to fuck Lil Wayne? That's very exciting. What's he like?

Right. Why are we worried about? Does he fall asleep on lean all the time? Why are we? He's like, Wayne, do you think? He's like, he, he, he. He's just whee he's like he he he he wheezes more than you and you're an asthmatic. Yeah. Why are we worried about right I've been getting into this a lot lately about like cheating right like why am I worried

about somebody's wife cheating on you I would love for her to cheat on me why because she's her vagina is so shut and just for someone to cut that thing open for me oh no I'm getting shut up. No, I don't, no, I just think about it a lot. Well, we went through a hard time. Sure. We had two kids and we had a hard time for a while with the stuff and we worked on it

and it got better. But when it was happening, like you sit, like cheat, I have a cheater's brain. I will say this, there is, I'm a cheater. I do not cheat, but I have a cheater's brain. Walk me there. Walk you there. Every woman I walk by, I go, I want to let me have it. Those glasses do not help you with this.

I intentionally think I'm getting uglier on purpose to keep myself, to keep women away from me. Yeah. Just as long as you're not collecting them. I don't need this to be played in a documentary. I'm like, who am I to you? And it's like, who was he to Greg Stone? I will say this, I don't like, I got these glasses because my contacts ripped and it was $60, 60 minutes and I got these.

But I also the same day decided I'm gonna wear Hawaiian shirts for the rest of my life. And I think it was too much at one time. Yeah, it is, you became a character. It became a thing, too quick. You became a character. You got the glasses, ease in. Right, so the glasses might go.

Maybe the Hawaiian shirt once a week. No, no, no. Can I explain the Hawaiian shirt thing though? Yeah, absolutely. That's why you're here. I'm a little high, so I hope that's okay. That's great. That's great, my return to weed is less than two weeks away.

Yeah, I know you were taking a break, but. I'm coming back, baby. I already, can you play a theme song before you do? I'm like, on the stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just, you're gonna do that glass break. Ba-na-na-na-na-na. I might play Cypress Hill. I wanna get high.

I, shout out to Yancy who Yancy Glass, I think that's what he goes by. Yancy Glass is a name? Yeah dude, he makes pipes. He made this Macho Man pipe for me. I'll show you. I don't know if I want to give his legal name. Can you grab that Macho Man pipe?

It's Rick Penishead. What? No dude, it's fucking insane. How cool is this? Wow, very cool. Matthew Yant is his name, Yant, Yant. That is very cool. He made this for me and he does these incredible He does these incredible

Yeah, Matt, you know, but his his name is Fancy antsy glass and he does like cool glasswork, but he made me this which is like it's a deep barrel So it fucks you up. That's awesome. So I'll probably, I'm not going to come back with this, but then he made Katie, a Katie pipe. Yeah. That's Bruins colors. And the thumb is a Myrtle head. I'll show it on the podcast later, but I'm that's, that's my last weekend of being sober. So I fly home that Sunday and Katie and I are going to get high for the first

time. And like I've done, I been high in two and a half months. And, oh you can just set it back down over there. But I'm going to, I'm excited for that. That is exciting. I'm excited to get like scaled. I would like two things. I wanna see him make a pipe that's like, that you and Katie can do.

You know when you like take a glass of wine and around each other like. A lover's pipe. A lover's pipe that connects. Yeah, do you know when you like take a glass of wine and around each other. A lovers pipe? A lovers pipe that connects. Can you make a lovers pipe? Hello lover and then you just like light it on the top. Yes, I know that's connected.

A lovers pipe. Oh, and this I guess I do want to this this might be depressing but the reason I wear Hawaiian shirts is I've been so fucking depressed. Not depressed is in the right word. Uh, fear of death because your kids, yes. You cause you're afraid you're going to leave them. No, I think I'm afraid that. Yeah, I'm afraid that all well they happen and then all of a sudden you understand. So here's the thing about kids and I hate to use this analogy,

but it's too perfect. Sure. It's the matrix. So when you, it is you take the pill and then you see what the real world is. But the real world is fucking horrible. But it tastes real. So now all of a sudden I have these kids and it's like, I'm afraid of everything and death is coming and I used to live in this world with the woman with the red dress.

And I love it, I love having a kid because it's like, it's a real fucking experience but I'm fucking horrified of everything It's like your testicles just out. Yeah. I mean I guess that here's the thing I don't have kids so it makes sense. So I'm cutting my steak right now Steak tastes real to me and you'll never and that's the same. It's why it's like the matrix You'll never know what that is. It's the tubes in me, baby. It's great. It's like, I want, and that's why I think.

But I'll never know Kung Fu. And I think Cypher in that movie, essentially just left his children. He took the pill and he went, I'm leaving my family, I'm going back, and he went right back in The Matrix. I'm going back to the stake. Yeah, but I mean, I love having kids, but it's just a reality that I'm like,

man, I'm not good enough, I'm not a good enough dad, I'm not a good enough provider. I'm not anything. I bet a lot of people feel that way though. I bet that is very common for people to feel that way. People that are that are in touch with their feelings. I bet it's fucking scary. And that's why I would be terrified. I know for a fact, they'd be terrified if I had kids. Exactly. That's why dads wear Hawaiian shirts because they look down they go there's the vacation yeah there it is

there's a second like oh here we are you but so I would offer yeah I hope this provides comfort in any way but like as someone whose parent has died mm-hmm they'll be motivated yeah it. It's not all bad. Right. They're motivated, they get motivated. But it's not about, I know they'll be good, but I want to, I don't know, I don't know. Yeah, you're very, it's a very good point.

I know they'll be fine. I'm gonna ask you a real question. Yeah. That isn't so sad. It has to be everything. In the age of podcasting, are you worried your boys are gonna to watch this someday and go like, all right, dad, you're a little too high on that podcast.

So here's a movie I definitely at some point should write. I'll just give it a little podcast. I wouldn't. You already got something stolen from you from talking about it. You had a phenomenal idea and it got ripped from your hands. Maybe hold on to that idea or don't give away the whole thing. No, well, the devil isn't in the idea. The devil is in the writing. And I think I could write the heart in it. And the reality of the basis of the idea is, and also if the

movie comes out, then we could talk about this podcast about how they took it from me from here. Time stamp, time stamp this baby. This is all rights reserved. Time stamp this shit pimp. I'm trying to argue against him. I feel like one of evil, evil, Knievel's friends where he goes, yeah, I know I broke all my bones in the snake river, but I'm trying to argue against it. I feel like one of evil Knievel's friends where he goes yeah I know I broke all my bones in the Snake River but I'm gonna jump the canyon you go I don't think you should do that again. 28 buses is a lot. I could do it. I know you'll fucking do it. It's a TV show. I mean it could be a TV show. Is it a TV show? Is it a movie? I like this. Throw the industry around it. Yeah it could be a one act play. But it's definitely a real life thing that's gonna happen to me. What? Is that when my

kid dies he's gonna have he's gonna want to know me and all he'll have is the rad dude cast. So when you die. When I die. Yeah. I had this idea. What about late night Greg? What about all your sexy stuff?

Friday night Greg, Friday night energy on a Wednesday morning. Yeah, he's gonna have that hill of night cream. Night cream, that's what I was thinking of. Night cream is stupid. But that's the thing. It's like to know, to want to get to know his movie, my world with Michael Keaton. Absolutely. I did. You're talking to someone whose dad died, who I didn't,

I didn't know him that well. I, I grasp onto sports because that's the only thing we shared. And imagine all you had of him was his episodes of the real ass podcast. Great. I would, I would be able to hear his voice. I don't have anything. Right. I don't know what he sounded like. So I've kind of come to terms with that's kind of what's going to happen. You're my life. I get it. Yeah, my life. I get them kind of cracking the fucking spaghetti and be like, this is how you make pasta. This is how you make a joke. That's kind of racist.

If you have a dead father and you didn't know them, that movie is like eating a Carolina Reaper pepper. It just, it makes you cry and it hurts more than anything. You don't, you don't get any, you don't get any comfort out of that movie. I'm sorry. Cause you go like, Oh yeah, my dad did none of that. I got a letter about him being pussy whipped that we read on the Racine episode. That's all I got. I got pictures, pictures don't talk.

I think it's kind of cool that he has podcasts. I think that's like, that is one of the benefits. If something were to happen to you, he could watch and know that you're a silly goose that gives away ideas. And you know, I mean, sorry. Hey everybody, I'm on the road as I always am, but come and check me out September 13th, doing a very fun show. I'm going to be in St. Louis with Jim Jeffries Mark Norman and I are gonna be with him in st. Louis and September 14th the following night in Atlanta Mark Norman and I are gonna be with Jim Jeffries So go get tickets to those at Dan Soder calm and then September 15th the great outdoor festival

If you're Canadian, you know about this. It's a fucking awesome festival. I did it last year in Calgary this year Me Mark Norman Ralph Barbosa Andrew Santino all in Vancouver September 15th Vancouver get tickets now you can go to dance order comm the links right here and check it out October 10th through the 12th. I'm gonna be at the Houston Improv, so go get tickets for that at dancerorder.com and then get tickets for October, if you live in Salt Lake City, I'm coming back to Wise Guys October 17th through the 19th, dancerorder.com, I'm on the road always, just go to dancerorder.com. Maybe go sign up at punchup.live and then we can know where you are and then we'll send

you an email that goes hey I'm coming to your town and if you sign up for the raffle there's a chance you might get a KrustyKard signed by me. Maybe a sticker too? I don't know, we might do another round of those but go to PunchUp.live and go to my page Dan Soder, sign up today to find out when I'm coming to your town. Goodbye. How great is the future?

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SOTAR for new customers to save $50 on their first order. Terms and restrictions apply. See site for details. As you can tell, my command of the English language is second to none. I'm just kidding, I use words all the time. I'm an idiot. And that's what makes me scared about learning a new language. It's like, well, what am I going to screw up on that? Well, if you want to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life, drop yourself into the middle of a new country and figure it out from there. Oh,

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Yeah. Is it, what's it called? My dad's not? My dad's not Danny DeVito. My dad's not Danny DeVito. Right. He does an entire hour about how he found out his father was in the mafia and murdered.

Oh, oh, I think you're lightening it. His dad was one of the most prolific murderers. He was a hit man? He was a hit man who the Gambino family, I think you're lightning it. His dad was one of the most prolific murderers. He was a hit man? He was a hit man who the Gambino family, I believe, noted as too crazy. I lived next to Anthony for seven years. He lived directly next door to Vecchione and I. The son of a cold-blooded killer.

Cold-blooded. Wait, really? And every time, every now and again, you see the twinkle in his eye, and you go, calm calm down brother. Time to get into the family business. How cool would that be? Because you and Anthony have been best friends the entire time I've known both of you guys. Well since high school. Since high school. All the way back. How's Taco? Taco! Oh man, I forgot that sometimes people know Taco. We stopped by and met Taco. Physics house. Physics teacher in D.C.

Yeah, he's great. Well, he was living in Connecticut when we met up with him. Yes, yes. In New Haven, I think. Yes, yes, Jesus, you have a good memory. Well, we had a great weekend. We used to go do Foxwood's Casino.

Oh my God. And it would be me, Anthony, and Greg. And we went and saw The Rock in Hercules. And then we were driving through a small town. My God, we did. And we found a Nintendo 64 and we bought No Mercy, Mario Tennis, Goldeneye, all the hits. And we sat in that hotel room for four days and played.

We'd only leave to go do shows, but we created wrestlers. You had Hunk Finn. Hunk Finn? No, Hunk Finn was Anthony Devito he made a hunk fin you made dr. death maybe mr. insanity mr. insanity and then I created and I created the Gator the Gator the Gator Gator okay and we would sit in this hotel room and play so the fact that Anthony's father was like this hit man. He's up in heaven going, mama look, look at my fucking kid. He's a window licker.

I fucking, he goes, I killed the fucking best of the best. And I got this kid playing fucking video games. He's playing with boys. Yeah, no. So you've known him a long time. How cool would it be knowing someone that if you opened a closet and it was like

the scene in John Wick where it's all or like it's all guns and stuff and Anthony is like, I can help you Greg, but you're not going to like who I become. And that's the movie. Something happens to my kid. And I knock on Anthony's door and he goes, now's the time I've been training. My father didn't die. He's been secretly training. He's me. Whoa. For how old you are. He was a hit man. His dad was a hit man. His dad fucking yeah, murdering got murdered and got and I got him live by sword, die by a got him. Yeah. And now and I think like didn't really know him and he told me that so there was

like years where I was one of the only people on the planet who knew that. When did you find this out? Because Anthony started doing the show around 2021, 2022. Oh, like 2003? 2003? Really? Yeah. How did he tell you that his father was a hit man? How do you break it to your friend?

It's like telling your friend your dad's gay, but in a way cooler way. Nothing against gay people. I'm just saying, like, I'd much rather find out my dad's friend's a hit man than, you know, like a power bottom. People. He's like, my dad can take cock. Versus like, and my dad eliminates people. Yeah, he told me, I remember he told me,

because people will tell you they're like deeper things after sex. And we were just. Beautiful, beautiful. No, it's fucked up. I'm doing it on my podcast. No, you just told me. And I remember being like, what the fuck, but he has like high drunk or just in a car. No, we didn't drink both of us. I think I both didn't drink till very, very late in, in time.

I, we were just best friends. We became like, we had like a very weird friendship that's time I we were just best friends we became like we had like a very weird friendship that's like we were like really he's like I love my brother I mean but I he is just like a brother yeah it's very weird to be like I have a real brother and I there I have two brothers yeah and Anthony's yeah so how does he how does he reveal it I don't remember I guess I was fucked up I don't remember like I guess I was fucked up. I don't remember. Is it over burgers? Is it like, or is he just sitting there playing video games? You're like, hey, my dad killed a bunch of people.

I remember where we were. We were driving. So we used to do this thing. We used to do all, I think I used to do weird shit all the time. That's what friends do. And one of the things he did with his friends that he brought me in was Sex Patrol, where

we would drive around this park in Bloomfield and then look for people having sex and then flash them and we would bend bells and go, ah, sex, you know, run around sex patrol, you know, you know what, there's a time in my life where I found that hilarious. And there's a time in my life that I would have thought you were a true villain. Yeah, absolutely. If you're fucking in a car, you have, it's like a heist. You have to pull off so many things to get sex in a car. We were, we were the guy who had the gun, who wasn't a heist. You have to pull off so many things to get sex in a car. We were the guy who had the gun

who wasn't a cop in the bank. Yeah. You know, it's like, dude, this could have went easy. This could have gone so easy and you pulled the gun out and now everyone's dying. Once dead. So you guys were driving, so were you guys doing sex between?

I think we were doing like, we were doing some funny shtick thing and we were talking about his dad and the car accident because he told me his dad was in a car accident and I was great covered yeah great coverage yeah two cars to the back of the head yeah yeah I don't have an open casket I don't know how we died that's possible I feel we were talking about this but it's his story you should have him on the podcast I would love to absolutely love that way more but he told me, and I remember him being like, what the fuck?

But then you also see why he is the way he is, right? I think he's a polar opposite of who that is. A lot of mafia, I always say this, a lot of mafia kids do that. When you have a mafia kid, you tend to get an artistic, soft, sweet, you know? You don't get, sometimes they get like hardcore guys that go in the family business and that's great. My dad was an alcoholic, so I didn't drink till I was 30, right?

Imagine if your dad is a killer. Yeah. You may become a guy who loves basketball, grows a beard and gets into art. Yeah. They just stay away from as much. Yeah. Or you become like a, yeah, you become like a vet. I gotta save soft, sweet things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he become like a, yeah, you become like a vet. Yeah. I got to save soft, sweet things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he's like, you know, he's whatever, but that's just a weird from strictly from your perspective that changes the way you look at your friend immediately. No, I mean, I, it's such a cool dad. I'm so mad that I didn't find out. I always, when I was little, I was one of my dad to be like, you know,

he's like SFPD, one of the best murder detectives in the, when I was little, I was one of my dad to be like, you know he's like SFPD, one of the best murder detectives in the, and he wasn't, he was just a bartender. He was bowling out. Not to sound shitty, but like, I don't know, I think you find out your dad is a killer, you're not like, that's cool. Part of you is.

Part of you has to be. I think from afar, but I think it's really you. I mean, I think you're right, and we're going to have to talk to Anthony about this, but I think there is a moral pull where you go like, right, fuck. Now here's my question. Now that, cause you're a sweet, silly boy. One of your sons becomes a cold blood killer.

Look at this. Here's the, they flip this on you. My kid finds out that I fucked a bunch of bins during COVID. I had a flashlight of bins during COVID. Yeah, I had a flesh light. I shoved it in there. It was a whole thing. That's way, oh yeah.

I was- You made a fake lady? Yeah, I had a VR. When you had a, you're doing VR? I, so during COVID, we was going through a sexual issue. We had a little bit of a sexual issue. And so I was like, fuck, I masturbate like this. Yeah. No. Well, don't, don't poopoo.

Don't poopoo a century old technique. No, take your pants off. Show some respect. Are you just going through the zipper? No, no, but like you put your pants to your ankles. Sure. No rush. So I'm saying, I don't think men respect the jerk. I say light a candle. Are you romanticize? I don't think men respect the jerk. I say light a candle. Are you romanticizing? I don't romanticize it.

I got VR goggles. I bought a little, I had a little flesh. I had a flesh light that I got from Lisa Ann during a comedy show. And I went, I always like, I'll never use that thing. Do you feel a kinship with her now that you've had sex with that flesh light so much? You know, if you've made progress.

I know how you feel. Right. But that's, so you have a flashlight. So I had the flashlight. You have a VR. I had the VR and then I shoved it in between two bins. Two bins. Two like action figure bins on my action figures.

So I had to, I shoved it in between. Now the weight was good. Should I not be telling the story? Yeah, I love it. I just want to let you know, Holistube and I have done probably 20, 25 episodes. I've never heard him go, whoosh. Like he just did.

He went, whoosh. All right, so your bins, are you on top of the bins? No, no, the bins, you know, they're upright. Sure. And then you put the VR on. Are you doing, they're upright sure and then you so you're you put the VR are you doing? So you're going from the side from the side you're not coming down in no I don't know you're going sideways going so you push the bins. Yes. Are you on your knees on the ground? Standing full stand how big are these bins? Dude? I got a lot of figures nice

So here's the thing and I got to figure life. I should explain also, there's so much more to this. So, all right, people have talked about this before, but I do a thing called the ultimate. Not here, not now. Go on with your fucking, your Kama Sutra. I do a thing called the ultimate pleasure, which every year on my birthday, I will masturbate in a way that is better

than I've ever done before. Which you try to one up your jerk every year on your birthday. Every year on my birthday, I will masturbate in a way that is better than I've ever done before. Wait, so you try to one up your jerk every year on your birthday. Every year. This glasses in that Hawaiian shirt are not helping. I know I should take them off. Uh, every year and I'll masturbate to something in a way I haven't or to something I never have before. So I try to break new ground, break new ground.

It's a, it's a new year, new ground, new year, new gay. So what, so when did VR come in? So I will say that we did, there was a year where we jumped a bunch of steps. And so it was, I had the thing, I had the thing. You had the flashlight, you have the VR. And the VR same year. Bin's same year. I went this year. Bin, VR, and flashlight all the same year?

Yeah, I went this this is all gonna be. That's like masturbation puberty. You left, you came a boy and entered a man in the new year. But it was also COVID. So, you know, I was masturbating. So how do you get the privacy to do this? Well, I do is I take a dog bone

and I throw out the window and my wife will run for it. Oh, that's fine. Yeah. It's fine. Then I wait till she gets back. Do you wait till she's like gone? She was away. She was away.

She was sleeping or anything. She was like away or something. And she, yeah. So then it was like, here's my question, cause it's your birthday. It's your day. It's my day. Is the planning around the ultimate pleasure

or is the ultimate pleasure like part of the day in a way where you're like, well, ultimate pleasure, I have some cereal, then I'll build a Lego Millennium Falcon. The play is for me, it's planned, but any other plans that come my way, like I got them. All right. Is there someone to be like, Hey dude, if you were that, yeah, I gotta move on pleasure. But they don't know that's happening. Yeah, I'm all you pee in the morning. Yeah, all you pee, you know?

Maybe a week before, but it's around the birthday. So you get the headset. Get the headset. You have the flashlight. I got the flashlight. And you got the bins. And I got the bins. And the idea just comes to you where you go,

add them all together, what do you got? So let me tell you what happened. I had the VR, and I was like, let me see what the porn's like. And I looked at it, and I went, stop it, right now. Do not watch this. You will wait till your birthday. It was so good.

It was so good that I went, you wait, this is a birthday present for yourself. You know, so many people talk about VR porn that it's so incredible that they talk about it like it's heroin, where they go like, watch out. Yeah. Because it's too good.

It's a hair away from real. And so I wanted to get that hair. I wanted to split. It's a lot more than a hair away from real. I wanted to split that hair. Okay. With a fucking. On the UP.

With a microwaved flesh wine. You microwave. You gotta warm warmer up. That is it. Doesn't know a rubber. I like telling you this, but I'll tell you what, rubber bell banger of an episode hit those sponsors right now. So I'm like, all right, do a mid roll right now. We're going to double the Mountain Dew better come through right now. This is our first Mountain Dew moment. Mountain Dew's gonna sponsor the podcast. And what a better way to cool off.

Do the Dew after he does his ultimate pleasure, do the Dew. Ultimate pleasure. That's a great X Games. It's the name of the episode. It's where we're putting sound ultimate pleasure is in. We're jockeying off to the extreme. Have you ever jerked off? Extreme. We put the X back in sexockeying off to the extreme. Whoa, have you ever jerked off? Extreme.

We put the X back in sex with yourself. Do the do. After you do the action figure, Ben, do the do. Do the do. So you warm it up like an ice cream cookie. Yeah, not hot. And the best way, let me tell you this, don't just microwave it.

I was joking about that. You'll burn your fucking penis. You just gotta run some hot water through that thing. Just get it a little warm. Cold feels like a dead person. And I'm not trying, that's 60 year old ultimate pleasure. Yeah, you're not necrophilia yet. Yeah, I haven't broken that one yet.

So on my birthday in June, I probably saw the VR porn in like around December. Damn, you waited on it six months. I didn't wait. I planned. Oh. I planned. Like a heist.

Yeah, I took my moments. All right, I was like, okay, I'm gonna do this. But I don't just wanna jerk off. I go, you know what? You got the flashlight you're always scared of. Maybe it's time for that, right? Okay, so then you started getting accustomed to the flashlight.

I know, I didn't do the flashlight yet. I was just like, oh, I've done the flashlight. Well, yeah, we had the flashlight. What are we talking about? First story's a story, but let's be real. Leading up to the flashlight. So I know I didn't do the flashlight yet. I was just like, oh, I've done the flashlight. Well, yeah, we had to do the flashlight. What are we talking about? Yeah. First story's a story, but let's be real. Leading up to the ultimate pleasure. But I went, but I got to get this thing, how do I get this thing level? Right.

So I was like, well, do I put some books on top of it? No. The schematics. You got to get the schematics. And the only thing that was heavy enough was the action figure bins. And did it click? Was that your eureka moment? Where you went action figure bins. And did it click? Was that your Eureka moment? Where you went, the bins.

Fleshlight above my head. Hello. They can hold with force. And they're also in my office, which was the room. It was an alone room. Yeah, that's the ultimate pleasure dojo. Yeah, yeah. And so I was like, all right, man, like, this is how we're,

so we set it up on my birthday. Uh, my wife, uh, she knows, you go to you there. You know what I gotta get into? I got an ultimate pleasure. I got a, she got like Christopher Columbus. This, I'm going to take a walk. So I had a couple, let me tell you that there is one that involved my wife once. Uh, I was doing the, the, the, the, it was year, I want to say 06, I don't know what year it was. You've been together with her a very long time.

Yeah, yeah, but no, it wasn't that year. It was, ultimate pleasure year was when I was going to try to, oh God, this is getting really filthy. It was a thing in the butt year where I was like, great, I'm going to try this year. Great. This is what I'm going to do. Your butt or her butt? My butt.

Okay. And I did not see that coming. Yeah. Oh yeah. Sorry. Yeah. No, it's all right. The only pleasure only involves myself. Great. My wife wants nothing to do with this. So you wanted to get a digit up your butt. It's usually, um, porn. Yeah, it's usually, it's usually a new type of porn or like something or like whatever. It's like, Oh, try to watch this kind of porn. It started off slow. But with the thing was I, I grew up in a very,

we grew up at the same time. Homophobia was very much like, if you try this, you are gay. Very much. And I was like, all right, well, I know I'm not gay. Sure. But why wouldn't I do this? You should try.

It's the whole ethos of the ultimate pleasure is to push the boundaries. You gotta push the boundary. And this was the year. It's an explor ethos of the ultimate pleasure right is to push the bound you got to push the boundary and this was the you are It's an exploratory Mission. Yes Sock finding let me try it this year. I remember I'm gonna try it this year. So six. No, it's like 2018 19 Okay, maybe Obama. I think it's probably Obama was around if it was well wait Oh 10 because that was when we really feeling pretty nice. Yeah, I was like, you know, I gotta be a I gotta be an ally

You voted for a black president. Yeah, shove a finger in your whatever your gay marriage went in that was when I did it I don't remember. So whatever year that was I'm not good at the time So my god, I'm gonna try this Slairs the gay marriage gets Approved by the Supreme Court and then Greg's like I'm gonna get a finger in my ass on my birthday this year do my part about the Supreme Court and then Greg's like, I'm gonna get a finger in my ass on my birthday this year. Do my part. 2015.

2015. So that'll be the year. Great. So I go, let me try this. We're hanging out a lot back in 2015. Oh yeah. You're coming over a lot. I had no idea that this divancy,

our birthdays are very close together. In fact, I believe, I could be wrong. I believe that was the year that Michelle Wolf rented a boat. Yeah. And we all went on it and then you and I ate edibles and year that Michelle Wolf rented a boat. Yeah. We all went on it and then you and I ate edibles and listened to yacht rock with the windows open. Wow. Which is one of the most peaceful afternoons I've ever had in my life.

Cause you had never listened to yacht rock and we ate these little, uh, gummy. Well, it even, I of course listening. I know you're going to shove and shit in your ass. I didn't know the genre. I didn't know that was a genre, but it's all music I loved. I didn't know the compilation of it. Yeah. And we had a day. Oh my God, the sun, it was a late,

I remember that. I mean, it was, my sectional couch was big. We were both on either ends of it, eating edibles and getting slowly stoned while I had my little beets pill. And we listened to, I mean, Doogie brother Baker Street, Jerry Rafferty. And that you, I, this is like,

I watched you riff for 40 minutes straight on Baker Street and I was so high, I couldn't move. And I was, for me it was like, I was dying. And by riffing means babbling. No. I was on a good 30 milligrams of edibles just being like. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But there's some times when I'm high where it's nice to just be like, you know what Greg? Sit down and let your friend be your friend. Yeah. Watch this and enjoy. And I'm being like whoa, all right. And I laughed and I went wow, that was like,

it's cool having comedians as friends. It is fun. Because my dad doing that, not as funny. Well, my dad's very funny. You get what I'm saying. Anyway, back to 2015. I'm in the room and I go, let me try this, right? I get it in there and the minute it went in,

I had this pain in my side that was 10 out of 10, crippling pain. I fell to the ground and I have to remember I'm butt naked. I went full, I went full ultimate pleasure. I'm butt naked. I've got everything around. I've got three computers open up and like the, like the Batcave sliver. I've got movies everywhere. Right? So I'm like, I fall to the ground and I remember I looked at the sky and I said,

dear God, not like this. That's so funny. I military crawled because I remember going, if I'm going to die naked, I I'll do it in the bathtub. Was there a lube on your finger? Yeah. You know, so their story is coming and it wasn't a finger. It was a dildo. It was a small little one. It was a small little one. You're a fucking freak. Freak. I'm a freak. I're a fucking freak, dude. I tried for it. Freak elite.

I'm not a freak, I'm an adventurer. Yeah, all right. All the countries have been found. Sure. There's only one new frontier. Exploring your buttholes. Exploring your buttholes. Exactly.

I military crawled to the bathroom. Still in you? I shot it out. Boop. No, I'm just kidding. I just, I didn't know if the bullet was still in you. To be honest with you, I don't even remember if you went all the way in, but I went to the

ground. I didn't know what the fuck happened. My wife comes home and she's like, are you all right? I'm like, I don't know. She goes, what's going on? And I was like, I think I have a kidney stone. And she went, why are you naked? And I was like, ultimate pleasure. She was like, okay, we'll get to this later. She kind of knew, you know what it is, baby, you know what this is. I soon got to look at me and went, ultimate pleasure. I was like, ultimate pleasure.

She's like, let's get you to the hospital. I had a kidney stone attack at the fucking moment I did this. I don't know. That was God telling you not to do that. I think that was God saying, gay isn't right. No. No, no, no, no, no.

I think that was God telling you not to shove things up your ass. Gay guys prep for it. They know how to, it's like, we all can't go to space. Astronauts train to go to space. Gay guys train for that. I didn't train. I just shot myself up with a $40 rocket into a backyard. You know when they take regular people on jets and they pass out when they hit a G-force? You know, they're going, I'm there. That was me.

That was you. Yeah, that was me. Actually, when I tried this. So you had kidney stones. I've had multiple kidney stones. And that was the first time you felt it. No, it was the second time, but it was the worst time. How did they get the kidney stones out of you?

You pee them out. No, it's that, I will say this, though, for me, the peeing out has never really been the worst part. They break up pretty good and they go out. They give you medicine to break it up, right? They give you medicine and the medicine they give you, oh yeah, but I'm saying the medicine they gave me for pain was the highest I've ever been in my life.

I started hitting on the fucking wait, not the waitress. What are the hospital waitresses called? Yeah, basically nurses. Yeah, the nurses. You can call them health waitresses. You don't have health waitresses. You're a health waitress? Yeah, basically nurses. Yeah, the nurses. You can call them health waitresses. You don't have a health waitress? You have a health waitress? Yeah.

I'm a fucking, dude, I have a degree. How do you go get my nursing degree, you dickhead? You know we're gonna double. But they do work doubles and shit, so I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Health nurse, health waitress might be the way to call them. Health waitress, I hit on her, I tipped the doctor. It was so fucking high.

Giving a doctor 20 bucks and you go. It's nothing, it's nothing, it's nothing. You work hard. You know what I mean? I make a good salary. It's a little something, it's just a little. Come on, take the pharmacist or anything. That's the guy you tipped.

Why don't we make those 16 pills, 32 pills? Goddamn, yeah brother. Yeah, so they give oh, we make those 16 pills, 32 pills. Don't tell me that, brother. Yeah, so they give you, you know what pain pills are? It was the lauded. You know, it was the lauded, it was a drip, and it sent me into fucking outer space. Oh my God. When you're given that kind of pain medication,

you understand drug addiction. Yep. I went, I'll have it give me stuff again. I got an endoscopy once, because I was having stomach problems, so they wanted to go through my esophagus and they gave me an endoscopy, so they put me under. So, and I woke up and there was a nurse there

and I just woke up immediately and went, what was that? And she goes, that was the stuff that killed Michael Jackson. And I went, yeah, just ask for more. I'm like, can I get more of that? Yeah. And then we were talking. She's like, you're an addict, aren't you? And I was like, oh yeah.

She goes, yeah, I could tell when you came out. I was like, that's fantastic, what is that? You won't get more, more please. Yeah, I'll do that again and run it back. Right. Fuck, you can put tubes all over me. Check my butt, my pee hole, my ears, my nose. Oh, fuck, give me whatever that was.

Yeah. So they break up your kidney stones. So that had to be the worst ultimate pleasure. That was the worst. Of course it was the worst. Was the best when you put the three together? When you put the premise set up in punchline together of the VR action figure bin and the?

The best was the action figure bin VR. That was the best. Yeah. That was the, that was, I had the same reaction that you had to coming out of drugs. Yeah. I went, we're going to do this every day. I do this every day. I don't want to need a wife. I don't live in a little, I don't even need anything. I need $20 a month for this, uh, website that I, the VR website. And then I'm going to be, this is what I do now. It was that good. It was on unbelievable. So you like took your VR off like a helmet when you ride a bike a motorcycle fast, they go

That was incredible You're holding it on the side can I tell you the weirdest I mean you've told us so much weird shit Greg I don't think now get weirder. I hate it. I don't hate it I am what I am you do what you do you try things god bless I hope someone I hope that helps someone that's watching this but I also you are still hurt anybody exactly but I also look at this stuff is fear and my whole thing about comedy is if you're scared to talk about it you got to talk about it yeah there's a feeling related so whenever I have fear of something I have to conquer it and so with VR so the

next year ultimate pleasure I had VR and I clicked on, I was like looking at different porn categories and one said POV woman. And I went, Oh no, Jay and I have looked this up on the bonfire. You tried to be the POV of a woman getting railed. I went, what is this? My body went, no. And I went, if you're scared, you must travel further into the forest. Now can I argue that sometimes your body is right? And it's good to listen to that.

Cut to the end of the story, yeah. Your body, my body was right in this situation. Who'd you get slammed by? But I faced it. So it started slow, right? I put on the things, I looked down, I have these great tits, I have thigh highs on, I'm like, hey, I'm all right, this is not bad.

Kinda hot. Were you just slapping your leg like this? Yeah. And then. I'm a hot lady. And then he came in. Who was it, do you know? Can you name the man that did it?

Some dirty Puerto Rican. Don't do that. Just kidding. Thank you. Could have been Manuel Ferreira. Could have been a guy that's been in the business forever. I was trying to be edgy, I apologize. I love my Puerto Rican friends.

Ah, God. Anyway. No, it's all right. So anyway, I saw my key company. It was some Spanish dude. He pulls his penis out and I went, I sort of got my butt, I was like, no, my butt is trying to run.

No! And I was like, no, you will see this. You raped yourself? Yeah. You're like, sit there and take this. You will see what this is like if you made your wife suck your dick and you gotta see what a dick looks like up close. Yeah I mean Jay and I watched these on the bonfire but we weren't in VR. Yeah no that's like in dude. You didn't do it. You weren't there man. You watched a documentary. I was in the shit. You marched, but you weren't in the shit.

Yeah. He pulls his penis out, and it's there. And I go, all right, here we go. And he's going like this. And I'm like, this is happening. This is fucking crazy. How long did you last in that rodeo? No, I didn't.

Here's the thing. It didn't make me hard. I couldn't. Plus? But I had to find stuff out. I had to see what it was like to have that experience. I was like, this is what it's like for a woman to have sex with a man. I'm it's not really turning me on, but it's kind of like it was,

it was interesting. It's not a thing I would ever see. Yeah. And I'm okay with being in situations that aren't going to kill me to just see what it's like. Just come out of it with more knowledge. Yeah, and now I'm like, now with my wife, if she's ever like, you don't know what it's like to suck a dick, I go, I do, I've been there. I had thigh highs on. I did this with my tongue. Yeah.

Just you and VR. This guy's really fucking my face. Yeah, I mean, like, I know it's like, I know that people are gonna listen to this and go, I know it sounds crazy, but there's something about, like, having the experiences. I'm sorry to cut you off. I like to think of it, the people that listen to this

that understand what you're saying. I hope they do. I don't know what, because I think the easy thing is go, I'm just gay. I wish, I'm not gay. I also don't, a lot of stuff doesn't even turn me on. I just wanna know. I wanna be able to relate with everyone. Same thing with music.

That's why I don't turn off music. I go, I need, I want all of the experiences. Did you watch a lot of those like faces of death videos? That I can't do, but go on because this seems like it's in the same neighborhood. I, so I worked in ER, forgot about that. And I've seen, yeah, I, you know, I ER. Forgot about that. And I've seen people die. That was when I met you.

Yeah, I watched people die and I watched, I was with people when they would die and so like. Were there families not be there? I was the one who talked to the families when their families were there. So my job was to talk when patients died, I would help the doctors, but then I was the one who would talk to the families.

I would talk to the families with the doctor and sit with them and get them shit like that. I think this is also why all this comes in. This is why I have such this thing for life. It's like you see that shit and you go, what the fuck, you know what I'm doing? Yeah, how old were you when you were doing that? So probably like 20s, 30s.

I'm not good with timelines. Sure, it was 2009 I remember. Yeah. 08, 09 was 2009 I remember. Yeah. 08, 09 was when we started hanging out. So that was happening then. So I started probably 06, probably till like 2010-ish. Yeah. Something like that.

Yeah, it was wild. I had a patient, go ahead. No, no, you go ahead. Like, it's weird, cause this gets a fucking thing, but I had a patient one time who was just, we didn't have psych in our hospital. So this patient she had, she wanted to kill herself and I just sat with her.

It was an empty day. I sat with her for 15 hours straight until psych came and she had Munchausen by proxy I believe it was called, where like her mother was trying to kill her, essentially kept making her sick. And she got to this point. For the sympathy. For the sympathy.

And she would constantly come in and we knew about this with the patient and they kept trying to have shit happen and she eventually tried to kill herself and when she tried to kill herself she came in the hospital I sat with her and we just fucking talked for hours and then she was at the point there was like you know and then the site came and I think they eventually took her away and it finally got resolved in a way that she wasn't going back to her mom but it was like yeah I

don't know there's a she downloading all this stuff onto you about what it's like to have a parent that has munch housing by proxy and like it makes you sick and you you're like never able to be healthy no we didn't talk about any of that we just talked we just talked about you remember what you talked about yeah no we talked about like you know boyfriends and she had and and comic books and life and being sad we did talk about like depression and being sad and all that stuff. But for me, I'm not a, it's like, I have no, I won't get into a place where I have to be like, Hey,

this is why life is great. Like we have psych, they'll get to you. Yeah. For me, it was just about being there with her and letting her talk and laugh at her jokes and try to make her laugh and just being like, I was just a 13 hour friend. Sure. That's all I had to do. And like there's the story, I could sit down and be like, oh yeah, I taught her about why life was good. It's like, no, that was, I didn't do any of that.

I just sat with her and just talked. I mean, if you had tried ultimate pleasure already, you could have been like, well, I kind of know what it's like to have a dick come at you. Yeah. And she goes, okay. Yeah. Okay.

Start gaining ground with that. Yeah. Yeah, it's terrifying. Yeah, I mean, it's funny too, because my memories, I have a bad memory, but it's, it was mostly blocks of memory. I remember I just sitting on this chair and she was there and uh, I was like, I remember being like, I'm not going to talk about her trying to kill herself.

I'm just going to sit here and just talk to her. And we talked for 13 hours straight and it was just like, and then other patients were coming in and out, but I was like, ah, fuck them today. This is going be, this is this girl's day. Meanwhile, some guys like, yeah, my brother died. I don't know, the guy was chatting it up with someone. Yeah, that is, I mean, that's incredibly traumatic for you too, because you're sitting there

basically holding a hot potato. Yeah. You're holding a hot potato for 13 hours. Yeah. And the psych ward isn't open or available. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, you're keeping a woman alive for 13 hours. Yeah, and the psych ward isn't open or available. Yeah, yeah, so yeah, you're keeping a woman alive for thirteen hours. Yeah, I was. I mean, like I wasn't keeping her alive. I mean, I wasn't keeping her alive. I was just you were definitely

stopping her from hurting herself. She she was. I mean, I don't I'm not trying to downplay everything, but like I she wasn't gonna she came in. She had did a thing. She can't kind of was coming out of it. We were waiting on Psych, but Psych is in another hospital, so they had to get a transfer, they got all this shit done. And all I did was just try to make her laugh and be there, because I knew her mom was bullshit,

like who the fuck does she's got? And you know, I got her a lot of phone numbers and shit that would eventually, whatever, but that was, no, it was just like, just fucking listen to this girl about anything she wants to talk about. And we talked a lot about, I think, my chemical romance and it's funny, it's like, you really gotta listen,

you're so hacky, come on. It's very funny. That's what you're in there? You roll your eyes, all right. Come on. But that, I mean, that kind of job is itself got a lot of PTSD and wear on your brain, because you're seeing very real shit.

So I have a lot of like normal stories, but then I have a few that are like once in a lifetime stories. And this one, I don't, this one I hate because, I don't know if you have this, so actually this is like a bigger thing. I'm a storyteller in comedy and I know you are too,

but sometimes when you tell the story so many times, the story becomes the bit and then the memory starts to fade and then the memory becomes the bit. And then you go, wait, what part of this, what was the real part? What was the real thing? And so I've told this story a lot just to people in life and sometimes, in who the

hell knows, um, that it's, it's some, some parts are missing. So I don't know exactly how it goes, but it was a guy comes in. He was 57 years old. He was, uh, he was end stage lung cancer, never smoked a cigarette in his life. Right. Never smoked. Uh, where I'm, he, we're waiting for hospice. Hospice isn't opening up. They have no beds.

So he's in the ER for a few days and I'm just on this guy every day. Having a good time. He had a super dark sense of humor. He would constantly make jokes that were like, I try to remember like one of them. I'm like bringing the wheelchair and I was late to give, bring him a, he was getting x-ray for some reason. And, uh, he was like, uh,, and he was like, you're late, I don't got a lot of time left, you know? Like these kind of bits, and I'm like, Jesus, man. I didn't know how to handle the time,

like I didn't know how to be funny, I just go, well, okay, sorry. He was like, you're such a pussy, man. Please don't die on me right now. Yeah, he would do that. I would walk in every single time, he'd pretend he was dead, and they'd go, ah, and I'd be like, dude, what are you doing, buddy?

That's fun. Yeah, he was awesome, he was hilarious. And I don't want to say, okay, so last day, so he goes up to hospice, so I think when he came in, I wasn't sure if he was on the fence about hospice, and then they were putting him in hospice, and then he goes up to hospice, and a nurse comes down and tells me, she was like,

hey, he was talking to you guys about his really fun relationship. She said, she knows nobody has come to visit this guy. She was like, if you want, why don't you go up and talk to him? So I go up there, so I start talking to him, and I have a question I would always ask people, which is I would go like, hey, what's the thing you're the most proud of? I always do this, and he would go, people always go, I you know, this, I would hear people say, they would tell me stories about being in world war two. A dude told me one time he goes, I was a bomber in world war two. He goes, I was talking about

how I was scared to do comedy and he goes, you don't know fear until you've seen the Nazi flag trying to shoot you down. And I went, okay, I'll go do it open. Yeah, what's the deal with dating? Yeah, yeah. And so this story too, I kind of weird about telling it because everything's become so politicized that shit gets weird, but it's just my story. It sure is. Yeah. So I go, what's the thing you're the most proud of? And he goes, he looks at my face and he goes, well, he goes, uh, well, I've been attracted to children my whole life and I never did anything. And I went, oh, hilarious. I thought he was joking. And he goes, no,

you have no idea. He goes, I'm not joking. He goes, this was a thing, I have this thing. I told my mother when I was young, she was helping me get into therapy. She was the only thing, my mother dies of cancer. I told my dad, he broke my nose and told the whole family. He goes, so I left California. I moved to Patterson, lived by myself. He goes, I pretty much was horrified of my own life. He goes, I I left California. I moved to Patterson, lived by myself. He goes, I pretty much was horrified of my own life.

He goes, I locked my computer. I lived by myself. And he goes, I am happy to be at the finish line right now. He was like, I made it. And I was like, what the fuck, right? And so. And you're just like a guy in the hospital. And I'm just a guy in the hospital.

And he is just whatever. And he's dying. And for the first time, you've seen all these people dying and it for the first time you've seen all these People die and for the first time he goes like buddy. I've been ready for this since the beginning Yeah, and he would live like a miserable life Now here's the thing right so then so a couple things happened somehow I don't remember how but a nurse found out that he had said this and she lost it She's like fuck this guy and I was like no fuck you. It gonna do anything wrong he's just got a thing yeah and then you know I

it's funny I used to do this a bit like before I was ready to do it as a bit yeah and but like reality is like it's like what are you gonna put on this guy this guy's tombstone is gonna be like in here lives Larry we would love to tell you what he did but maybe next time you know like dot dot dot he's a hero but he didn't do it he He never did it. He never did it. He never did anything. Um, I talked to psych, I saw some psychologists later who was like, he may have had a lot of different things going on.

Like he may have just had this crazy OCD that made him think he was this. Um, doesn't sound like it. I know it sounds like his entire life was upended and destroyed because he wanted to fuck kids right and he didn't fuck kids right now is a hypothetical sure he passes yeah in the great consciousness right do you think God there. He goes, you know what? You waited. Cheat day. Here's a kid who

died in 1940. So technically he's 60, but he died when he was a kid. So he's still got kid bodies. He got hit by a train. We're going to piece them together. We're going to shut the door. Ultimate plunge. Right. And then, but there's also like also this thing, this is not as funny, but also part of me is

that my head goes, man, maybe was he joking? Was this his last gag? If daddy is fucking, that was the funniest man to ever live. Right. And if there ever is a comedy award, name it after him. Right. If that was a joke. But that is, I don't know if anyone's ever done a bit about it, but it's true. That's like, he's kind of a hero. He is a hero. He's the hero. He took himself out.

He took himself. I eat jelly beans every night. I can't stop that. But that's the thing too. You have that on your brain. You wonder why he got lung cancer without smoking a cigarette in his life. Yeah, God goes, oh boy, I fucked up.

Pull it, pull it off the line. We got a lemon. Meanwhile, there's people that have spoken three packs. They go, I'm walking through this thing, but they go, but I love fucking old people. God just let them stick around. Yeah, that's wild. Yeah, man. But it also shows you, I think it does show you, and I've always known this about you, how big of a heart you have. You're a very caring person, you're a sensitive person,

but you're very caring. I've always, you always are very good at, whenever we would hang out, you were always very good at being like, this is awesome because, and there's a sincerity to you. And I think that guy felt the sincerity of you and he went, I can tell him this and he won't go away.

He won't break my nose. He won't be the nurse that was like, fuck him. I don't want to give him care. And he was at the end. And he could also tell you the truth of like, and he could tell me the truth. I want to die. But also the truth of being like,

he could have been like, and I got three of them, you know, like he didn't, he said, he's gonna die in the next few days. He was like, I never did it. So I'm like, okay, that actually makes me feel like you're not lying. Because you have no reason. And it doesn't matter. It is easier that he said none. If he would have said like two, you go like, well, I think if he had if he had done to I don't think he's

telling me this story. Yeah, I don't think anything. I think you just also don't think he's telling me this story. Yeah, he'll talk about that. I don't think anything. I think you just hold on. I also don't think he has lung cancer. Oh, yeah. Just saying he got it out. Yeah, I guess. Now that is very, what do you do after that?

Like your shift. I jerked off. Ha ha ha ha ha. Not to him. That started ultimate pleasure. I just had to. No, but like, what, do you go out and get a dinner and like just stare out the window? Ha ha ha window? Well, man, I first I was like, because for me,

when he told me, I remember being like, fuck this guy, sure. Fuck this guy, fuck him. And then sleeping on it and being like, Oh, no, I didn't say fuck this guy to his face. I just, yeah, you just were probably like, what the fuck? Yeah. And I, I can pre I know I went fuck this in my hand went fuck this guy blah blah blah And then I thought about it and I googled a bunch of shit And then I remember being like no he's not a bad person and I wanted to go talk to him and he had died So it was like but I'm happy to say that like in that moment. I was like we were talking we were laughing I just took whatever it was was, but I had the feeling

of like, fucking me, he's a pedophile. But then it made me open my mind and be like, no, no, no, no, man, life is fucking nuts. If this guy didn't do that, I didn't have that thing that we just had, because I was young. I was like, my immediate. The processing time. I had the processing.

So when you Googled it and come back, then you find out he's dead. Yeah, yeah, so I Googled, what I found, one of the things was wild, was there was a hospital case of this guy, I don't know exactly how the story goes, I don't know, it's been a long time, but he was married, had kids,

there was a guy who married, had kids, felt like he was attracted to children, tells his wife, his wife sends him to the hospital, he gets a CAT scan, turns out he has a fucking tumor in his brain, they cut the tumor out, the feeling goes away. What a relief. Right, then years later, feeling comes back, no tumor came back.

That's crazy, that's crazy that's how you know you have a tumor. You go, look at that little ass, you know what, I'm gonna go get his CAT scan. And they go, it's back, and you go, fuck I knew it. I knew it. They go. I was at the pool and they're a little wet bodies. Did a doctor being like you have cancer. It gets worse. Like who's with it? Were your symptoms pedophilia? That's

rough, right? That's some people lose vision or something else. You're like, oh yeah, I become a monster, right? But my feelings on these people were their souls were bad and then my feelings became no, they're badly wired. Change is nothing. Look, pedophiles can't be on earth. Fuck them. Yeah, pedophiles can't be on earth. Get them off earth. Sorry. However you gotta do that, whatever. But I now understand they're like, man, it's a bad brain. You know, it's a bad fucking brain this guy's got. Dude, you hear these stories of like a lot of pedophiles

are from head injuries, which I don't know how bell helmets aren't fucking telling people you need to like motorcycle helmets. You'd be like, hey, wear a helmet or else. That's what will stop the NFL. If you have all these former linebackers just being like, I want to fuck a kid. And you're like, listen, you run a four, three, 40.

You can collapse on a run quicker than we've ever seen anybody. We think we're done with football. Right. What a crazy subject to end the podcast on, but you rule. You rule, dog. I've always loved you.

Greg Stone, his special is out now. What's it called? Nobody presents Greg Stone. Yeah, dude. Nobody presents Greg Stone. Greg Stone's presenting present Greg Stone nobody presents Greg Stone out on YouTube the link is below click it Greg's fucking hilarious one of my favorite people